Myths RETOLD

Macbeth is a Pussy

2012-01-12T18:47:00.000-08:00

Sup guys

today I am going to tell you a story about a guy
who sucks so bad you aren't even allowed to say his name in theaters anymore
his name is
MACBETH

okay so Macbeth is actually pretty legit at the beginning
he is out on all the battlefields stomping faces
some dudes are standing by the battlefields like WHOA
DID YOU SEE ALL THOSE FACES MACBETH JUST STOMPED
SO MANY FACES
and then the battle is over and apparently this one Thane
which is like scottish for "super important dude"
was totally a little traitor bitch so they had to execute him
and since Macbeth stomped so many faces he gets to be the new Thane
he's already a thane actually but now he gets to be TWO THANES

so meanwhile cut to macbeth
he doesn't know about that shit yet
and he's just strolling through all the faces he just stomped
along with his best bro banquo
and all of a sudden the two of them run up on some WITCHES
and they're like WHOA
WITCHES
WHY YOU LADIES SO UGLY?
DO YOU REALIZE
YOU HAVE BEARDS?!
and the witches are like bro we have better things to do than worry about shaving
congrats on your new promotion by the way
and Macbeth is like uh what promotion
and the witches are like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
WE HAVE PROPHECIES
PROPHECY NUMBER ONE:
MACBETH
YOU ARE GOING TO BE KING
PROPHECY NUMBER TWO:
BANQUO
YOU ARE GOING TO GET SO MURDERED DUDE
BUT YOUR KIDS ARE GONNA BE KING SO THAT'S OKAY KIND OF?
and Macbeth is like whoa
Banquo
looks like you got the short end of the murderstick buddy
hope this doesn't cause any bad blood between us
and Banquo is like I am 100% sure that it will not
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT
then some dudes show up and tell Macbeth that he is now TWO THANES
and his mind is TOTALLY BLOWN

so pretty much the first thing Macbeth does
is he writes a letter to his wife
whose name is Lady Macbeth
which begs the question
if you name is Macbeth
why would you marry someone named Lady Macbeth
that seems like you are just ASKING for incest at that point
but anyway he writes her this letter about all the stuff with the witches
and Lady Macbeth gets it and she's like WHOA
DUDES I AM TOTALLY GONNA BE A QUEEN UP IN HERE
BUT WAIT
my husband is ambitious and everything
but he's WAYYYY too much of a pussy to do any serious kingmurdering
which is how I figure this whole prophecy thing is gonna get done
so okay
I'm just gonna grit my teeth
and pop a squat
and try to grow as many balls as I can before my husband gets home

so Macbeth gets home and Lady Macbeth is like HUSBAND WE MUST MURDER THE KING
and Macbeth is like whoa
whoa
where did all these balls come from
i am seriously about to trip on them this is unpleasant
and Lady Macbeth is like NO TIME FOR THAT
INVITE KING DUNCAN OVER TO OUR HOUSE FOR A SWEET PARTY
LEAVE THE MURDER PLANS TO ME
I HAVE SO MANY BALLS THEY ARE WORKING IN PARALLEL THEY ARE PLANNING SO MANY MURDERS
so Macbeth is pretty nervous about this
but he says ok
and he invites Duncan over to his place
Duncan, by the way, is not only the king
he is also related to macbeth
also since Macbeth has invited him over
he is also a guest in macbeth's home
and normally you don't stab your guests to death
it is just kind of not polite
so that's three very good reasons for Macbeth NOT to murder this guy
not to mention the fact that Duncan has just made SOME OTHER DUDE his heir
some dude named Malcolm
who i think is his son?
So I'm not even sure what Macbeth expects to gain from this murder
like
is the plan to just keep murdering kings until they run out of kings
and they have to use Macbeth?
AND ON TOP OF THAT
didn't the witches just hand him down a prophecy
that told him he was gonna become king?
like isn't that a thing from the future that is totally guaranteed to happen?
why does he even need to murder anyone?
why doesn't he just chill out and take a nap
and have someone wake him up when the prophecy is fulfilled?
This is like if someone prophesied that you were gonna get fifty bucks
and your response was to go outside and immediately murder someone for their wallet
or actually more like
if someone made a date with you for thursday night
but it was monday night
so you just murdered everyone else they knew
until they had no choice but to go on a date with you immediately
which is actually my dating strategy now that I think about it

but there is one simple all-consuming reason for macbeth to go through with it
which is that if he doesn't
his wife will totally call him a pussy FOREVER
so obviously that trumps everything else
and then true to her word
Lady Macbeth comes up with a pretty okay plan
basically the plan is
Macbeth stabs Duncan in his sleep
then Lady Macbeth passes out bloody knives to all of Duncan's sleeping guards
and then they tell everyone the guards did it
and apparently suffer from narcolepsy?
but there is sort of a hitch in the plan
which is that no sooner has Macbeth done the murder part
then these two dudes Macduff and Lennox show up at the castle
they get let in by this doorman who is just SHITFACED
seriously this dude fell off the wagon so hard he is drinking with the mole-men
waddling up to the door talking to scottish noblemen about piss and sex
it's great
it's the only great thing that happens to anyone in this play
but so yeah Macbeth has to go deal with Macduff and Lennox
he's like HEY GUYS
THE KING IS SLEEPING
DON'T BELIEVE ME?
HERE LET ME SHOW YOU HIS-ohhhh snap
looks like the king got stabbed by his retainers
who then fell asleep just outside of his room
because you know
murdering is pretty tiring
I mean
so I've heard
LET ME JUST MURDER ALL THESE CLEARLY GUILTY GUARDS BEFORE THEY CAN WAKE UP
AND TELL ANY LIES ABOUT HOW IT WAS ME THAT DID THE STABBING OR SOMETHING
and then afterwards he feels really bad about this
because he just murdered like a dozen innocent people
but his wife is like dude chill out
just wash the blood off your hands and BAM
PROBLEM SOLVED

wait no
no no no
not problem solved
no problems are ever solved in this play
they just affix problems together using a thick mortar of MORE PROBLEMS
see, the murders do not stop with Duncan
no no no
cause right after those murders
Malcolm flips his shit and decides to run away to England
and Macbeth actually does become king by some crazy coincidence
and he just wastes absolutely no time at all
in becoming crazy paranoid about his best bro Banquo
who you may remember was prophesied to get totally murdered
and I GUESS MACBETH IS JUST GOING TO MANUALLY FULFILL ALL THE PROPHECIES NOW
jeeze
this guy has no finesse at all
but you know what they say
when the only tool you have is a hammer
everybody starts to look like a problem

so Macbeth hires some dudes to murder banquo
and they do murder banquo
but they don't murder banquo's son
who is prophesied to be king
and who we will never hear from again for the rest of the play
because Shakespeare is totally setting shit up for MACBETH 2:
THE SCOTTISH SLAY

but anyway yeah then Macbeth immediately goes to dinner
and I guess he forgot to cancel Banquo's invitation to the dinner
because Banquo is TOTALLY SITTING IN MACBETH'S SEAT
talk about rude
actually it's fine
it's just Banquo's ghost
Macbeth could totally just sit inside of him and no one would care
but instead he just stands in the middle of the dining room
screaming at a ghost no one else can see
and Lady Macbeth is like haha guys don't worry about my husband
he is just under a lot of stress from all the murders he hasn't committed
he's been sooooooo busy not committing murders
and we're scottish
so that's like
hard
(PSST MACBETH CALM YOUR FUCKING TITS)
but Macbeth's tits will not be calmed
he just goes right on screaming at that ghost
until everyone gets uncomfortable and leaves
and then Lady Macbeth is like HUSBAND
WHY MUST YOU RUIN ALL MY DINNER PARTIES WITH YOUR GUILT-INDUCED SCHIZOPHRENIA?

okay what the fuck is Lady Macbeth's problem
we have already established that these murders are totally unnecessary
and plus there are a ton of really great reasons for not doing them
and yet this woman is basically riding her husband bareback
spurring him onwards towards basically every murder it is possible to commit
did she at some point wake up
and decide that the world was suffering from a deficit of terrible people?
does she just have a swollen bitch gland?
is she actually just two cthulus in a ladysuit?
all are plausible explanations
but none can say for sure

oh yeah and also apparently Macbeth is a TERRIBLE king
like supernaturally terrible
like so terrible that Scotland is plunged into eternal night
and the horses are all eating each other
which up until this point I thought was pretty regular for scotland
but everybody is pretty pissed about it so I dunno
and meanwhile Macbeth is pretty miserable
and his wife's brain is slowly melting
and honestly at this point I have no idea why this guy wanted to be a king
it's not like he's bathing in a molten pool of gold and whores or anything
he is pretty much just wandering through a labyrinth of medieval horror
finding more and more efficient ways to hate himself

but so in order to quell his crippling paranoia
he goes and hits up those witches from earlier
because, you know
everything they've said so far has turned out SO GREAT
and the witches are like oh dude, don't even worry
here
let us summon this bloodsoaked baby to tell you about how invincible you are
and the baby is like sup dude
you cannot be killed by any man who was birthed by a woman
also:
you see that forest over there?
your castle will remain blissfully unfucked until THAT forest
runs up the hill to YOUR CASTLE
and Macbeth is like BOY
THIS IS CERTAINLY REASSURING
NOT LIKE THEY COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME I'M UNKILLABLE OR SOMETHING
WOOOOOOOOOOO
then he goes ahead and kills Macduff's whole family for some reason
presumably because he is nervous

meanwhile in England
Malcolm is pretty pissed about the whole murder thing that Macbeth did
plus he hears that Scotland is turning into basically the shittiest place ever
so he asks the king of england if he can borrow like ten thousand dudes
and the king of england is like sure dude
I've got guys ALL OVER THE PLACE down here
and then Macduff shows up
because he is ALSO pissed off about the whole murder thing
specifically the whole murdering his entire family thing
and he convinces Malcolm that he wants to help him kill Macbeth
basically by helping Malcolm insult himself a whole bunch
and then the two of them grab all their dudes and march back to Scotland

BACK IN SCOTLAND:
Macbeth hears about this huge dudemarch
and he's kinda pissed
but he's also pretty sure he's immortal
so he's not too worried
except that usually when you are not too worried
you do not insist on putting on your armor WEEKS IN ADVANCE
then run around your house screaming at everyone about how unworried you are
so uh
maybe he is a little scared
also his wife dies
after spending several weeks sleepwalking
for the express purpose of telling ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN
about ALL THE MURDERS
SERIOUSLY?!
COME ON
LADY MACBETH
YOU CANNOT PUSSYWHIP YOUR IMPRESSIONABLE DOUCHEBAG HUSBAND INTO MURDERING EVERYONE
THEN TURN AROUND AND THROW HIM UNDER THE BUS
JUST BECAUSE YOU HAPPEN TO BE ASLEEP AND CRAZY
OH WHAT
YOU FEEL GUILTY NOW?
IS THAT IT?
WOMAN
FEELING GUILTY AT THIS POINT
IS LIKE TRYING TO CHOKE A BABY WITH A CONDOM
TOO LITTLE
TOO LATE
but then yeah she's dead so that's fine
no one even really notices because by this point all the dudes have arrived
and also Macbeth is screaming way too loud

so Malcolm and Macduff are commanding this army
and they figure that a really great strategy for hiding their numbers
is to just uproot a whole bunch of trees from a nearby forest
and hold them in front of themselves as they march up the hill to Macbeth's castle
which is a plan taken straight out of Looney Tunes
like
seriously guys?
you expect Macbeth to look out over his ramparts
and be like oh
no worries
I was expecting ten thousand dudes
but this is just ten thousand MOVING TREES
no see what Macbeth does
is he sees these trees
and he FLIPS THE FUCK OUT
because obviously this means his castle is about to get mega invaded
but he's like oh well
at least I'm still unkillable, right?
RIGHT GUYS?
fuck this I'm just gonna go downstairs and stab everybody

so he does
and he's pretty much killing all the guy ever
it is a good reminder of how cool he used to be
back at the beginning of the play when he was stomping all the faces
except now the faces he is stomping
are the faces of ALL THE GOOD GUYS
until finally Macduff rolls up on him like hey man
what's good
I have this sword and it is really heavy
can I just leave it inside your chest for a minute
and Macbeth is like HAHA DIDN'T YOU HEAR
NO MAN OF WOMAN BORN CAN SLAY MACBETH
and Macduff is like oh
well uh
do you happen to have a hundred and eighty-thousand dollars
and seven to eight years of free time?
and Macbeth is like well I am a king and I am immortal so I would say yeah
and Macduff is like good
BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO TAKE YOU TO MED SCHOOL BITCH
I WAS BORN VIA C-SECTION
WHICH MEANS NO WOMAN BIRTHED ME
WHICH MEANS I AM THE DUDE
WHO IS GOING TO BE CHAPERONING THIS ONE-MAN MURDERPROM
and Macbeth is like wait
doesn't it still count as being of woman born
even if it was a C-section?
I mean
you came out of a woman, right?
that's where you came from
wouldn't it have made more sense for me to be killed by a woman
that seems a lot less open to interpretation
might have been a more satisfying resolution is all I'm saying
and Macduff is like dude
remember how we had to find a prepubescent boy to play your wife?
we're all dudes living in Elizabethan England
we're pretty sexist
and Macbeth is like okay fair point
and the Macduff kills him

so yayyyy
macbeth is dead
Malcolm gets to be king
and he pretty much can't help but be a better king than Macbeth
literally all he has to do is have it not be eternal night
and maybe refrain from murdering ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE
and then the sequel Banquo's son comes back
WITH A VENGEANCE

so the moral of the story
is if you are having a hard time securing that promotion at work
consider murder
it's a great short term solution

THE END

THE RING CYCLE sounds like a bonus stage in Sonic The Hedgehog

2012-01-11T16:02:00.001-08:00

Alright guys
I FINALLY FUCKING GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER
and did another video/did the fucking ring cycle
which nine out of ten bastards have been asking me to do FOREVER
it's a little longer than these videos normally are
because I just wanted to do one video per play and divide it up that way
SO SUCK IT:

SUCK IT HARRRRRD

Jumping Mouse Has Crazy Healing Powers

2012-01-10T18:22:00.000-08:00

So mice

we have them in my apartment
also my house
they eat things and it sucks
but imagine how much worse it would be if they could do this:

so one day this mouse gets fed up hearing all these fairy tales
about crazy mystical far off lands
and he's like FUCK STORIES
I'm going to go to those far off lands MYSELF
so this mouse just picks a direction and starts walking

but almost immediately problems start happening
because like ten feet from the mouse's house is a river
and mice suck at rivers
so he's sitting there trying to figure out what to do
when a frog jumps out of the river like WHAT'S UP MOUUUUUSE
and the mouse is like uh
how do I cross this river?
and the frog is like oh, that's easy
just swim
and the mouse is like oh ... ok
and the frog is like why do you wanna cross the river anyway?
and the mouse is like well I am just trying to get to the magical fairytale kingdom
and the frog is like well that sounds reasonable
here:
let me give you
SUPERPOWERS
I HEREBY NAME YOU
JUMPING MOUSE
and ho-lee shit
this mouse suddenly has incredible frog jumps
superman leaps
man these are some hops you could brew beer with is what I am saying
and the mouse is like THANKS MAGIC FROG
and the frog is like HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?
ANYWAY GOOD LUCK

so jumping mouse is jumping along
and he runs up on a buffalo that is passed out in the grass
and he's like hey buffalo
what the fuck is wrong with you
and the buffalo is like dude
I totally went blind from drinking too much
and now I am so screwed
aaaaaaa
and jumping mouse is like dude it's okay
don't you know that I have BASICALLY NECROMANCY POWERS?
HERE
HAVE MY EYES
and he straight gives his eyes to the buffalo
and the buffalo is like HOLY SHIT THIS WORKS SOMEHOW
SORRY YOU'RE BLIND NOW LITTLE DUDE
LET ME GIVE YOU A RIDE TO THE MOUNTAINS
I WILL PROTECT YOU FROM EAGLES
WHICH ARE THE GREATEST DANGER TO TRAVELING MICE
NOT THAT THERE ARE REALLY A LOT OF TRAVELING MICE
BUT WHATEVER DUDE
TRUST ME ON THIS ONE
so that is what the buffalo does
but then it turns out buffalos are useless and can't climb mountains
so jumping mouse is left to crawl blindly up the rest of the way
and halfway up he just runs STRAIGHT INTO A WOLF
and instead of eating him
like a REAL WOLF
the wolf is like BOO HOO HOO I LOST MY SENSE OF SMELL
and jumping mouse is like oh no problem dude
HAVE MINE
and the wolf is so grateful
that he CONTINUES TO FAIL TO EAT JUMPING MOUSE
and in fact gives him a ride to the bottom of the mountain
protecting him from terrifying eagles the entire way
not that jumping mouse can even really tell at this point
because he is BLIND AND CANNOT SMELL

so he's down in the valley
which turns out to be the magic fairy kingdom lands
and suddenly he hears this creepy voice up in his ear
like congratulations jumping mouse
it is i
magic frog
apparently I knew a faster way to get here the whole time
but enough about me
it is time for you to JUMP JUMP JUMP
and jumping mouse is like seriously dude?
I am kind of mourning the loss of about half my senses
and the frog is like YOU ARE FORGETTING ABOUT THE SIXTH SENSE:
JUMPING
and so jumping mouse starts jumping
and then all of a sudden his arms turn into wings
and his sight comes back
and also his smell
and he is just soaring all the fuck over everywhere
and the frog is like CONGRATULATIONS JUMPING MOUSE
IN RETURN FOR YOUR GENEROSITY
YOU GET TO BE AN EAGLE
and Jumping Mouse is like whoa
i should probably get a different name huh?

So the moral of the story
is give away all your organs
and you can BECOME YOUR GREATEST ENEMY

The end

The Wizard of Oz is an Exercise in Futility

2012-01-05T17:01:00.000-08:00

So Dorothy

She's real bored
and she lives in a monochromatic version of Kansas
Her last name is Gale
This is what is known as foreshadowing
because pretty much immediately this storm starts happening
as storms tend to do in Kansas
it rips up all the animals and kills her family
and then tears her house out of the ground and throws witches at it until it crashes
and then Dorothy wakes up and walks outside into a TECHNICOLOR WONDERLAND
this wonderland is full of midgets
and Dorothy has inadvertently murdered an old woman
whose shoes she is encouraged to steal
and this is all pretty disconcerting
so she asks the midgets if they know how to get back to Kansas
and they're like OH SURE
JUST WALK ON THIS ROAD MADE OUT OF YELLOW BRICKS
and Dorothy is like oh well that's convenient
does it lead back to Kansas?
and they're like NOPE
IT LEADS TO A HUGE EMERALD CASTLE
OWNED BY A SHADY-ASS WIZARD
WHO WILL PROBABLY FIGURE OUT SOME WAY TO TELEPORT YOU HOME OR SOMETHING
SORRY
THAT IS THE BEST WE'VE GOT
WE ARE A COMMUNITY OF BLUE MIDGETS WITH A GOVERNMENT THAT INCLUDES A LOLLIPOP GUILD
WE ARE NOT EXPERT CIVIL ENGINEERS

so since she pretty much has no other option
Dorothy sucks it up and starts walking down this crazy road
oh, also there is a good witch that blesses her or something?
whatever
anyway, pretty soon she runs into this scarecrow
who is REALLY BAD AT GIVING DIRECTIONS
and also can talk
and is severely depressed because he has no brain
although how is that possible
and also
HOLY SHIT A TALKING SCARECROW
jesus
anyway he agrees to come with Dorothy to see the wizard
because if the wizard has teleportation powers
he probably also has brain-transplanting powers
so they walk for a while
and the conversation kinda drags a little because hey
no brain

so they keep walking and pretty soon they run into this robot
the robot is rusted real bad
so he can't move basically at all
but there's some oil nearby
which they apply to the robot
and then the robot wakes up like HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AN UNSPEAKABLE HELL
I WAS THERE FOR LIKE 11 MILLION YEARS
AN EXPERIENCE LIKE THIS IS ENOUGH TO COMPLETELY DEVOUR ALL OF A MAN'S COMPASSION
AND I'M NOT EVEN A MAN
I DIDN'T HAVE COMPASSION TO BEGIN WITH
SO NOW I HAVE LIKE
NEGATIVE COMPASSION
I EXIST ONLY AS AN INSTRUMENT OF PURE UNBLINKING HATRED
I AM A TOOL OF A COLD STEEL SATAN IN A TITANIUM HELL
and Dorothy is like holy shit dude
you better come with us and see if the wizard can give you a heart or something
and the tin man is like GOOD
I DEVOUR HEARTS

so they roll out
and pretty soon they are passing through some spooky woods
and BAM
here comes a lion
except bam is not a sound lions make
more like GRUUUUARGH
except more like OH SHIT I AM ACTUALLY REALLY AFRAID RIGHT NOWWWWWW
because this is no ordinary lion
this is a lion with PTSD
i mean if you think about it
lions see some pretty fucked up shit
sometimes the lions are the ones DOING the fucked up shit
which is probably even worse
so this lion is a shell-shocked wreck
he basically lunges into the clearing just in time to start pissing himself
and Dorothea is like uh ok eww
um
we're going to a wizard?
maybe he can give you some balls?
and the lion is like I WILL GO WHEREVER YOU SAY JUST PLEASE DON'T HURT ME

so now dorothea's rolling along with a lobotomy patient, a sociopath and a lion
and also some jerk witch has been fucking with them this whole time
like setting them on fire and laughing her dumb witch laugh
and peering at them through her crystal ball like that evil chick from Power Rangers
until finally she just says fuck it
and just kidnaps everyone with flying monkeys
or maybe she steals something later in the story and they have to go get it?
I forget
the book and the movie are wildly different on this point
and then someone wrote another book that was like
despicable pro-witch propaganda or some shit
further confusing the point
which is
that Dorothea straight handles with witch
by like filling up a bathtub
but then fucking up while she's filling it
and accidentally splashing water on the witch
because I guess she's working for the witch or something?
and then the witch melts
because apparently she is made of cotton candy
which i suppose is a point in favor of her not being evil
but also raises the question:
HOW DID SHE LIVE THIS LONG????
1) Water is literally EVERYWHERE
2) Cotton candy is DELICIOUS
but anyway she's dead now
we can get back to the story

SO THEY GET BACK ON THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
and pretty soon they are in this big field full of poppies
which are famous for their super delicious opium
and they are like wading through these poppies
and just getting SO FUCKED UP
except just Dorothea and the lion
the Tin man and the scarecrow are constructs with no soul
plus they party harder than pretty much any living creature
so they are more or less unfazed
and they end up getting saddled with the task
of dragging Dorothea's sweet zonked-out ass to safety
AND THEN THEY GET TO THAT EMERALD PLACE

so the emerald city is pretty sweet
it's got like rainbow horses and more midgets and expert hair stylists
and also
THIS WIZARD THEY'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR
but it turns out this wizard is just a giant green head projected on some crystals
so basically like Zordon from the power rangers
in fact I'm pretty sure this story is just a cover of the power rangers
but anyway then it turns out he's not even THAT
like, he's being all snarky with his giant head
and then they run up and break his crystals and shit
and it turns out he's just some balding motherfucker in a sound booth
pulling levers and shooting out flares and yelling about how great he is
and they're like aww man
talk about disappointing
and the guy is like no, no, no
it's totally cool guys
I can definitely solve all your problems
you
Scarecrow:
you are a scarecrow
you are not supposed to have a brain
that would be weird
and in fact
the fact that you walked all the way here
and are capable of making any semblance of conversation
is pretty remarkable/terrifying on its own
so I think you're coming out ahead of the game
and you
Lion:
DRUG THERAPY!
and you
Tin Man:
you are a horrifying monstrosity of modern engineering
uh
you can kill all my midgets
I'm about to skip out of town anyway
on this hot air balloon I have
which I guess solves Dorothea's problem
because we are about to totally balloon our way out of this technicolor crazyland

so they get on the balloon
or rather
the dude gets on the balloon
but he sucks at balloons
so Dorothea gets totally left behind
and she's like aw fuck
now what
and the midgets
(at least the ones the tin man has not already destroyed)
are like HEY REMEMBER THAT GOOD FAIRY WITCH FROM THE BEGINNING
YOU SHOULD ASK HER
and so the good witch appears
and Dorothea is like sup witch
and the witch is like hey so remember those shoes you stole way back at the beginning
those are teleport shoes
they will teleport you to your house
and Dorothea is like SERIOUSLY?
YOU'RE TELLING ME I BUSTED MY ASS FOR LIKE WEEKS
MELTED A WITCH
GOT FUCKED UP ON OPIUM AND SET ON FIRE AND MOLESTED BY MONKEYS
TO SHOW UP AT A DRUNK WIZARD'S HOUSE AND WATCH HIM DESERT ME IN A HOT AIR BALLOON
ALL SO THAT YOU COULD SHOW UP AT THE LAST MINUTE
WITH YOUR FANCY PRANCY HOOP SKIRT
AND TELL ME THE POWER WAS INSIDE MY FUCKING SHOES THIS WHOLE TIME?
WHAT IF MY SHOES BROKE
WHAT IF I TRADED THEM IN FOR MORE COMFORTABLE SHOES
THESE ARE HIGH HEELS
MADE OF RUBIES
MY FEET ARE BASICALLY JUST GIANT BLISTERS AT THIS POINT
okay
whatever
I'm going home
and then she does
and her family is probably still dead
but at least she got to get fucked up on opium

so the moral of the story
is before you set off on any epic and dangerous journeys
probably check your shoes

THE END.

Hans-My-Hedgehog is Just Some Dude's Crazy Acid Trip

2012-01-03T18:19:00.000-08:00

Hey guys
I know I have been slacking recently on site maintenance stuff
like specifically
I have not updated the smorgasbord in FOREVER
I have been busy getting laid or sleeping or something
look the point is that I will update that thing soon
like, TOMORROW

but so anyway
this gently vibrating pile of crazy comes courtesy of fierce culinary Majordomo
Col. Freddy "Eviscerlicious" Cannonfried
it is about uh
well
yes.

So there's this farmer
his life is pretty okay
pretty standard farmer's life
except for one problem
this guy's dick don't work
he cannot have kids FOR THE LIFE OF HIM
and every time he goes into town to buy shit or sell shit
all the other farmers are like HEY
IT'S SERGEANT DICK-DON'T-WORK REPORTING FOR DUTY
HEY SERGEANT
HEARD YOUR SERVICE RIFLE MIGHT BE A LITTLE FLOPPY
EH?
GET IT?
CAUSE YOUR DICK DON'T WORK?
SEE, BY SERVICE RIFLE WE MEANT YOUR PENIS
and obviously sergeant dick-don't-work gets sick of this shit pretty fast

so one day he arrives home after a barrage of this shit
and he's like OKAY
I AM GOING TO HAVE A KID
I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT KIND OF KID
IT COULD BE A HEDGEHOG FOR ALL I CARE
and the NEXT FUCKING DAY his wife is pregnant
and then nine months later she gives birth to a fucking HEDGEHOG MINOTAUR
by which i mean a half-hedgehog half-human
everyone is pretty freaked out by the baby obviously
especially the mom
who just had to push this spiny monstrosity out her babyhole
and she's like what did you do, husband?
how many times do I have to tell you
WE LIVE IN FAIRYTALE LAND
STUPID WISHES LIKE THAT COME TRUE ON A REGULAR BASIS
and sgt dick-don't-work is like no honey it's fine
we'll just get him baptized and then hide him behind our stove for 8 years
SO THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY DO

so after 8 years of being stashed behind a cast iron box that shits fire
this hedgehog is pretty tough
also magical
so it is no suprise when he suddenly asks his father for bagpipes
wait, what?
first of all
what?
and second of all
I thought this was a german fairytale
what are bagpipes doing in here?
but anyway he says that if his dad buys him some bagpipes
and also puts horseshoes on this rooster he apparently owns
he will ride away on the rooster and never come back
and his dad is like NICE
WE WERE TOTALLY THINKING ABOUT USING THAT SPACE BEHIND THE STOVE FOR STORAGE
HERE'S AN INSTRUMENT AND SOME WEIRD HORSESHOES
NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE

so the hedgehog dude gets the fuck out of the house
actually he is named Hans-My-Hedgehog
because apparently that is the ONLY NAME HE IS ALLOWED TO HAVE BY LAW
they can't just call him hedgehog
or mittens
no, no
ONLY THE NAME WITH ALL THE HYPHENS
but fuck that
this dude will be referred to as SONIC

so Sonic goes into the woods
with some pigs and some donkeys
and he flies up into a tree with his rooster
and he just sits down
and stares at those pigs and donkeys
FOR SEVERAL YEARS
until they all start fucking and breeding more pigs and donkeys
and meanwhile some local king gets lost in the woods
and he hears some beautiful bagpipe music
and he finds Sonic sitting pretty up in his tree
and he's like HELLO MAGICAL HEDGEHOG MUSIC MAN
and Sonic is like YO, CROWN DUDE
and the king is like I WONDER IF YOU COULD DIRECT ME TO MY CASTLE
and Sonic is like yeah sure
i know where all that kind of shit is
but it's gonna cost you
I want a written agreement
that says I get whatever greets you first when you get home
and the king is like hahaha what a douchebag
hedgehogs can't read
so he says oh yeah, sure man
I totally agree to that
lemme just write it down right here...
and he just writes TITS TITS TITS TITS TITS all over the piece of paper
and signs it
and Sonic leads him home and he feels pretty good about himself
then his daughter turns out to be the first person/thing to greet him
PREDICTABLY
and he's like haha that hedgehog guy wanted to bang you
but I TOTALLY tricked him and now it's fine
TOTALLY FINE FOREVER

MEANWHILE
Sonic is back in his tree
playing the bagpipes and watching pigs fuck
classy times all around
when ANOTHER king comes stumbling into his woods
WOODS:
CAN'T FIND YOUR KING?
PROBABLY HE JUST SUCKS AT HIKING
and this other king sees Sonic and he's like WHOA
CRAZY HEDGEHOG MUSIC GUY
and the whole scenario plays out almost exactly like before
except instead of trying to screw over sonic
the king just flat out agrees to the terms
and is really cool about the whole thing
even when it turns out he's gonna have to marry his daughter
to a furry

but so several weeks pass
and at this point Sonic has so many pigs that they have FILLED THE ENTIRE FOREST
YEAH
LOTS
so he takes them all and he herds them all to his dad's house
like
all eight billion pigs
and he's like HEY DAD
COME SLAUGHTER THIS CLUSTERFUCK OF PIGS WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS
I HAVE RETURNED HOME
and his dad is like how about you return to my ballsack
oh shit I didn't mean that to sound weird
I meant I wish you'd never been born
and Sonic is like hey dad
that's totally cool
we all have our problems in life
your dick don't work
I am a magic talking hedgehog child
let's put our differences behind us like adults
and then you can go about putting horseshoes on my rooster again
and then once you do that
you don't have to see me ever again if you don't want
and his dad is like NIIIICE.

so then Sonic goes around to collect his booty
and he shows up at King 1's place
but the king has ordered all his guards to just kill Sonic on sight
because the king is the type of king who likes to hoard sexy daughters
and a mutant hedgehog suitor kind of throws a wrench in that plan
but Sonic just runs REALLY FAST or something
and then flies his rooster up to the king's window like YO
GIRL OR DEATH
and the king is like OKAY FINE TAKE THE GIRL JUST PLEASE DON'T HURT ME
so Sonic takes the girl
flies away on his rooster
then when they get a couple miles away
he proceeds to STRIP HER NAKED AND STAB HER WITH HIS SPINES
like THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING THE DAUGHTER OF A TOTAL JERK
then he leaves her in the middle of nowhere
and goes to the palace of King 2

so King 2
like i said
is WAYYY less of a jerk than king 1
he told all his guys to open the doors for Sonic
and give him food and whatnot
and also marry him to the princess
even though no one but Sonic is happy about this
but whatever
the wedding happens anyway
out of a perverted sense of duty or something
and the chick is totally freaked out by the SHARP SPIKES ALL OVER SONIC'S BODY
but it's okay
because what he does
is before they do the nasty on their wedding night
he just RIPS OFF HIS SKIN
HAS FOUR DUDES THROW IT INTO A FIRE
AND THEN HE TURNS HUMAN
WAIT
WHY DID HE NOT DO THIS BEFORE
DID HE ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THIS OR IS THIS A NEW THING
WHAT THE FUCK SONIC
I USED TO GET MY LIFE ADVICE FROM YOU ON THE TELEVISION

so then he's human suddenly
but also his skin is TOTALLY BLACK
and the king is like oh shit
if there's one thing worse than my daughter marrying a hedgehog
it's her marrying a BLACK MAN
so he sends for all his physicians
and they use doctor magic to turn him white
and then he and his wife live happily ever after
and he even comes by his dad's house once to totally show off his sexy new face
and his dad is actually pleased
and for the first time ever
he is happy that he has a son

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is if you ever go walking in the woods
bring a compass
anyone you ask for directions is going to end up marrying your daughter
then tearing off his own face and setting it on fire
happy trails!

THE END.

Inanna Goes Through a Lot Of Effort To Visit Relatives

2011-12-29T14:15:00.000-08:00

A fellow named Huge Dickheart told me about this myth

Okay so Inanna is the Sumerian goddess of sexytimes pretty much
and one day she decides she's gonna go down to hell to see her sister Ereshkigal
who is sort of the queen of hell or something
as a side note, Sumerian hell SUCKS
because basically how it is
is everyone that goes to it just has to live in a dreary clusterfuck of gloom
FOREVER
REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY DID DURING THEIR LIVES
like GREAT JOB PILING UP ALL THAT VIRTUE ASSHOLE
NOW IT IS TIME TO LANGUISH IN THE EMOPIT
the only thing you can even do to slightly mitigate your suffering
is make sacrifices to the dead while you are alive
although it is not clear whether the dead actually receive these sacrifices
or whether they are embezzled by hell's shoddy management
man it is like a third world country down there let me tell you

so all of these factors work together
to make Inanna's visit to hell TOTALLY INEXPLICABLE
in fact it is so inexplicable that even SHE cannot explain it
like one of the hell guards is like hey sexy lady
what's a fine slice of butt like yourself doing in a place like this
and Inanna is like uhh
going to the funeral of my sister's husband
I think his name is Gud-Gal-Ana?
The bull of heaven that Gilgamesh and Enkidu killed in that other story?
EXCEPT HERE'S THE THING GUYS
GUD GAL ANA IS NOT EVEN ERESHKIGAL'S HUSBAND
ERESHKIGAL IS ACTUALLY MARRIED TO THE PLAGUE GOD NURGAL
which is WAYYY worse for Ereshkigal
but also goes to show
that Inanna has NO FUCKING IDEA what she is doing down here
she clearly does not keep in touch with her sister or know anything about her life
plus she shows up to the gates of hell wearing ALL OF THE BLING
like a sparkly dress
and some kind of rhinestone thong
and a tape measure made of precious gems I think?
basically every single thing you can have or wear
that is in no way appropriate for a funeral

so naturally the guard at the gates of hell is mega suspicious
and he's like hey
I'll let you in to hell, sure
but you gotta give me that sweet tape measure you got there
and Inanna is like what
why?
and he's like I dunno girl
that's just the way shit goes down here in hell
SEE
WHAT DID I TELL YOU
HELL:
TOTALLY A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY

so Inanna gives this dude her ruler
and then goes down into hell
but it's not long before she runs into ANOTHER gate
with ANOTHER guard
and that guard is like "gimme your dress"
and she does
and then the next guard is like "gimme your pants"
and she does
and this happens SEVEN TIMES
until Inanna is TOTALLY NUDE
and she is down in the inner sanctum
and Ereshkigal is like sup sis

so Inanna is like hey sis how's it going
just wanted to drop by and see how you're doing
and Ereshkigal is like seriously?
bitch you did not even remember my husband's NAME
I am disinclined to believe you give two soggy shits about how I'm doing
plus you just came down to hell
and we have kind of a reputation down here that we need to uphold
vis a vis no one ever leaving
so guess what?
YOU'RE DEAD NOW
and Inanna is like AW FUCK

but luckily for Inanna she kinda saw this coming
and she had one of her servants go around petitioning all the gods
like hey Inanna is about to do something dumb
wanna bail her out when she inevitably fucks up?
and most of the gods are like uhhhh no
but Enki
who also features prominently in Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson
is like SURE
I WILL SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS
so he makes these two robots out of the dirt under the other gods' fingernails
(some pretty grody gods, I guess)
and he sends them down to hell to go rescue Inanna
but when they get down there Ereshkigal is TOTALLY PREGNANT
and she is on the floor in labor and she is like GUYSSSS
HELP ME OUT HERE
I WILL TOTALLY HOOK YOU UP WITH ALL KINDS OF SWEET REWARDS
but they are robots and they cannot feel emotions
so they just take Inanna's corpse out of hell and beep beep boop their way home

but see some demons follow them out of hell
they're like hey
due to the alchemical law of equivalent exchange
you can't have Inanna back without trading in a body of greater or equal value
so the robots and the demons go all over the place shopping for bodies
the first person they see is Inanna's servant
and Inanna is like nope
don't take her
she's too loyal
YEAH
APPARENTLY INANNA CAN TALK?
I REALLY CANNOT FIGURE OUT IF SHE'S DEAD OR NOT
and then they come across Inanna's hairdresser
who is still in mourning
and Inanna is like AW HELL NO WHO IS GONNA DO MY HIGHLIGHTS THEN
so finally they come across Inanna's husband
who is just having a nap under a tree and minding his own business
and Inanna is like HOW DARE MY HUSBAND NOT MOURN FOR MY STUPID DECISIONS
DEMONS
KILLLL HIMMMM
so the demons drag her husband screaming into hell
and then her husband's sister gets mad
and strikes up a deal wherein she spends half the year in hell
instead of her bro
and he spends the other half of the year in hell
and then for some reason Inanna starts to regret her dumb decision
so whenever her husband is in hell she spends all her time mourning
and since she is also the god of fertility
the results are very similar to the end of the story of persephone
to wit: WINTER
GREAT

so the moral of the story
is try to remember the names of your siblings' spouses
otherwise they will strip you naked and imprison you in hell

THE END.

I did not realize people would pay that much money for hair

2011-12-27T19:34:00.000-08:00

So christmas

in reality it is already over
but in this story
it is JUST BEGINNING
in fact
it hasn't even begun yet
it is looming on the horizon like some great tinsel-covered monolith
exuding sugarplum tentacles filled with HOLIDAY SPIRIT
or at least that's what it feels like when you are dirt poor
so dirt poor you can't even afford a present for your best chick/dude
which is the sorry condition of the chick and dude who are the stars of this tale

so this dude, right
he has this watch that he is really super proud of
he is always coming up with excuses to bust it out
like in the bus shelter or in line at the soup kitchen
all like OH MAN THIS LINE SURE IS TAKING A LONG TIME
I WONDER HOW MUCH TIME EXACTLY
LET ME JUST PULL OUT MY GOLD PLATED WATCH
DID YOU KNOW THIS THING IS A FAMILY HEIRLOOM
and then someone punches him usually

and this chick
she has got some BO-DONCULOUS hair
seriously
this is the scalpfuzz to end all scalpfuzz
all luxurious and flaxen and whatnot
cascading in delicate ringlets all down the sides of her face
dudes in trenchcoats come up to her from behind in train stations
with tiny sewing scissors
to collect the TINIEST TROPHIES for their fetish altars
man you should've been there
these are the only distinguishing features these two people have

so naturally
when it comes time to sit down and think about christmas gifts
this chick and this dude immediately start thinking about hair and watches
the dude is like damn
my lady has enough luscious hair to strangle eddie van halen
she would make rapunzel go bald with jealousy
perhaps I should get her
...something for hair?
and he happens to be walking down the street while he thinks this
and he sees in a shop window this INCREDIBLY PIMPIN' COMB
it has got rubies all up the hell everywhere
and he goes into the store and he is like HOW MUCH FOR THAT COMB
and the shopkeeper is like A BILLION DOLLARS
but I also accept payment in gold plated family heirloom watches
and the guy is like DONE
and he pawns his watch and gets the comb
hooray, christmas is saved

MEANWHILE
the chick is walking along like hmm
my dude certainly does like that watch of his a whole lot
but you know what that watch is missing?
a PIMPTACULAR watch chain to dangle it on
that way it won't fall out of his hand and hit the ground
when he gets punched in the face for flashing it at the soup kitchen again
so she goes into the watch chain store
and damn if she doesn't pick the BLINGINEST WATCH CHAIN THERE EVER WAS
and she's like how much for that watch chain there
and the shopkeep is like MORE THAN YOU HAVE
and the chick is like well
will you pay me that much if I
SELL YOU MY HAIR?
and the shopkeeper is like MMMM YESSSSSSSS
and so he shaves her head and gives her the watch chain
and no one finds this creepy at all
and christmas is saaaaaaved!

so cut to christmas
these two people are both super excited to give each other gifts
so the dude is like HERE YOU GO BABY I GOT YOU THIS HAIR COMB
ALTHOUGH HONESTLY I AM NOT SURE HOW YOU MANAGED TO MAINTAIN SUCH LUSCIOUS HAIR
FOR SO LONG
IN ABSENCE OF A COMB
DO YOU PERHAPS HAVE
LUSCIOUS DREADLOCKS?
ANYWAY HERE'S THIS COMB FOR YOUR ABUNDANT HAIR THAT YOU HAVE
and the chick is like oh
shit
bad timing
i kind of sold my hair to get you this watch chain
but hey
at least you get this watch chain, right?
and the guy is like oohhh about that
kinda sold my watch to get you this haircomb
and they are both like huh
we just spent all the money we had
and sacrificed the only things about ourselves that brought us any joy
in exchange for two shiny objects that are of absolutely no use to us
is this perhaps
the TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS?

well no
because the moral of the story
is that when it comes to gift-giving
it's the thought that counts
except when that thought is really really dumb

the end

CHRISTMAS GHOSTS

2011-12-24T19:42:00.000-08:00

Okay so christmas right?
many of you are probably having some RIGHT NOW
others are probably having some chinese food
and yet others are probably having sex or ambivalence
it's a big crazy world out there and not everybody likes christmas
but you know what everyone likes?
STORIES ABOUT JERKS
FEATURING GHOSTS
so that's what we're gonna partake in right now
religion be damned

so there's this guy Ebenezer Scrooge
and how the hell are you supposed to not be an asshole
with a name like EBENEZER SCROOGE
that's like naming your dog poopypants mcpisscarpet
and then being all shocked when he shits your bed
but yeah
this guy is TERRIBLE at christmas
first he threatens to call the police on some holiday charity dudes
and then he only begrudgingly gives his secretary christmas day off
and even then
he only does that because EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT
so not only is he a jerk
he is an impressionable jerk
he also kicks some puppies and has some pretty uncomfortable ideas about racism
just saying
this guy is top notch at being terrible

so he goes home
to sit in his cold house and ruminate on how much he hates kittens and friendship
when BAM
HERE COMES A GHOST
although Bam is not really a good sound effect for a ghost appearance
and Bamf is copyrighted
so let's just say the ghost appears with a SPAGOOSH
and leave it at that
okay so there's this ghost
this ghost is the ghost of one of scrooge's old partners in douchebaggery
one JACOB MARLEY
who does not even have the excuse of an evil name to fall back on
he died 7 years ago from laughing too hard when an orphan fell down
and now here he is
a ghost
COVERED IN CHAINS
and he's like hey scrooge
and scrooge is like JESUS BALLS GET AWAY FROM ME
and Marley is like no dude it's okay
i usually watch you sleep anyway
but listen man
you gotta clean up your act
these chains represent what an asshole I was while I was alive
and your chains are bout to be DOUBLE STRENGTH LEAD GIRDERS at the rate you're going
so just a heads up
there are gonna be some more ghosts coming by here later tonight
they are going to tell you about christmas and stuff
seriously
these guys pulled out all the stops for you
I dunno why they're trotting out the holiday heavy-hitters
for an emaciated miser with a name like an anal polyp
but hey I don't make the decisions
I'm just some asshole covered in chains
anyway see you later
try to get some sleep

so scrooge is scared shitless obviously
but he's also a little senile so he falls asleep anyway
and then later
SPAGOOOOSH
here comes another ghost
this ghost is super gender ambiguous
wearing a white robe
and balancing a candle on its head
not the most intimidating of ghosts, my friend
so scrooge is like okay ghost
who are you and why are you in my house
and the ghost is like I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
I AM HERE TO GUIDE YOU THROUGH A SERIES OF CHRISTMAS FLAAAAASHBAAAAAACKS
SPOOOOOOOKY
so okay they go back in time
they use some kind of spooky ghost time travel
and they go back to scrooge's childhood
and they watch him sit in a room reading books over the christmas holiday
at boarding school
because his dad won't let him come home or something
but honestly
reading books over christmas is pretty much what I do ANYWAY
so I don't see where this guy gets off complaining
except then cut to the next scene
and it is his sister saying he doesn't have to stay at the boarding school
cause his dad has stopped being a dick
and he can come home now
and they have a feast and it's great
BUT THEN LATER HIS SISTER DIES
oh nooooooo
and then there's this other time where scrooge is working for this dude
the dude's name is Fezziwig
which is basically the opposite of scrooge
so it is no surprise at all when that dude throws a MEGA SWEET CHRISTMAS PARTY
and everyone gets laid
and this illustrates the true meaning of christmas
and also scrooge is lightly traumatized from having to relive his sister's death
yessssss
so then the ghost puts the final nail in the coffin
(a figurative coffin though, not a literal coffin
the literal coffin comes later
uh
spoilers)
by taking him to see the time when this chick he was into totally dumped him
because he was too into his money
and scrooge sees this
and he feels really bad
he feels so bad that he punches the ghost right in its candle head
like he literally punches its lights out
and then he wakes up in bed
and he's like shit
I gotta do this 2 more times?

YES
because then here comes the ghost of christmas present
who is a big fat dude who knows how to PARTY
he's got a big beard and an empty scabbard cause i guess he forgot his sword
and he shows up to Scrooge's house WASTED
and he's like duuuuude
it is time to look at the PRESENT of christmas
and Scrooge is like great
we're in the present right now
done
and the ghost is like no dude
I am going to take you on an adventure
THROUGH SPAAAAAAAAACE
WHOAAAAAAA
so the teleport to this awesome crowded holiday market
where everyone is buying gifts and shit
and Scrooge is like what are we doing here
and the ghost is like oh not much
I just needed to pick up some more booze
I am RUNNING LOW my friend and it is CHRISTMAS
and I mean
I am the ghost of christmas present
which means that after tonight
I FUCKING DIE
so fuck if I'm not gonna PARTY DOWN beforehand
but okay I have my booze now
wanna see something depressing?
and scrooge is like no not really but SPAGOOSH
now they are in the house of Scrooge's secretary
who's name is Bob
and they are watching bob and his whole family
slowly starve/freeze to death on CHRISTMAS FUCKING EVE
while his small adorable child
whose name is TINY TIM
SLOWLY SUCCUMBS TO POLIO
it is truly
the worst christmas
and the ghost is like aw man
what a buzzkill
let's go see some other places
so they go to some other places for a while
and then the ghost conjures up some homeless kids to attack scrooge
presumably to teach him about charity but also because it's hilarious
and scrooge either learns an important lesson or is scared shitless
and then BOOM
he is back in his bed

but is that the end?
fuck no that's not the end
are you simple?
I SAID there would be THREE GHOSTS
THREE
GHOSTS
and Marley doesn't count
because he has chains on him and he behaves rationally
so after a suitably suspenseful delay
HERE COMES GHOST NUMBER THREE
or wait
fuck
actually this is not a ghost at all
actually this is just the grim reaper
it is the grim reaper except his skull is invisible inside his hood
and he doesn't have a scythe
and he doesn't talk AT ALL
BOOOOO-RIIIIIING
except not boring
because this ghost
can TIME TRAVEL TO THE FUTURE
so it takes Scrooge with it
to a not-so-distant dystopian future
full of flying guns and some jerk's funeral
this anonymous jerk apparently died recently and no one gives a shit
look, here come some businessmen
they do not give a SHIT
one of them is like I WILL ONLY GO TO THIS FUNERAL IF THEY HAVE FREE SANDWICHES
and another one is like HAHAHA I DON'T EAT SANDWICHES SO I WON'T GO AT ALL
and then some other people are like HEY
WE JUST STOLE ALL OF THAT JERK'S STUFF
LET'S GO SELL IT TO A PAWNSHOP
and then some other people are like SHIT YES
WE USED TO OWE THAT GUY MONEY
NOW WE CAN INSTEAD USE THAT MONEY TO BUY HIS STOLEN GOODS FROM THIS PAWNSHOP
basically everybody is happy and no one is sad
and then they go to the graveyard
and WHOSE GRAVE DO YOU THINK IT IS?
COME ON
IT IS SCROOGE'S GRAVE
IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT THEN YOU ARE TOO DUMB FOR THIS STORY
YOU ARE TOO DUMB EVEN FOR THIS WEBSITE
but yeah
this is obviously some pretty freaky shit
so scrooge is like AAH
AAH
GET ME OUT OF HERE
SHOW ME A FUNERAL WHERE PEOPLE ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT FOR A CHANGE
and SPAGOOSH
now they are at a much more heartfelt funeral
the funeral
OF TINY TIM
oh man the pathos is unBEARABLE
and scrooge is like okay dude okay
fine
I give up
i'll be good at christmas from now on
as long as I can somehow shift myself into an alternate timeline
where I don't die and then get all my shit stolen by poor people
and no sooner has he made this decision
then he wakes up in bed
and he is alive and it is christmas day
and he actually keeps his word
and goes and hangs out with his nephew and his nephew's family
and anonymously donates a big fat turkey to his secretary
(although he does not anonymously donate them any polio vaccine
which would have been a lot more helpful)
and generally just skips down the street
throwing fistfuls of money at homeless people
and from that day on
everyone forgets what a jerk he used to be
and when he dies nobody steals his stuff
PROBABLY

so the moral of the story
is that if you have a friend who does not understand the TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
your best bet
is a calculated campaign of sleep deprivation and necromancy
carefully orchestrated to break down the will and strip away the personality
until nothing but CHRISTMAS SPIRIT remains

Merry Christmas guys

A trio of sightless rodents

2011-12-22T13:45:00.000-08:00

Short one today
to make up for the LONG LONG FUCKITY LONG one from tuesday
also I have to get on a plane to LA in a couple of minutes
so here we go:

alright so there's these three mice
they have vision problems
SEVERE vision problems
straight up macular degeneration cataracts glaucoma 3x combo
and their health insurance is SHIT because they are MICE
seriously
these dudes could not see the back side of a barn
which is problematic
because they LIVE in the backside of a barn
or at least somewhere on a farm
cause see one day the farmer's wife comes sauntering by
and they're like HOLY SOMEBODY'S COMING
WE'D BETTER DO THE SENSIBLE THING
AND START CHASING HER
so they do
or maybe they thought they were running away
but need I remind you they are FUCKING BLIND
so they are just running all up at her skirts and shit
and she is like EEK EEK EEK
OH WAIT
THOSE ARE MOUSE NOISES
I AM A HUMAN
AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT SEPARATES ME FROM FILTHY SQUEAKING BARNMAMMALS
IS MY ABILITY TO USE TOOLS
SPECIFICALLY THIS CARVING KNIFE
so she just turns around like SHABAM FLOORTWATS
and the mice have no clue what is about to happen because they CAN'T FUCKING SEE
so she cuts off all their tails
now let me ask you my friends
have you ever seen such a thing in your life?
if you grew up on a farm
the answer is:
probably

BUT MY FRIENDS THAT IS NOT THE WHOLE STORY
because apparently this is all some kind of fucked up allegory
for how there were these three dudes
named Hugh Latimer, Nicholas Ridley and Thomas Cranmer
they ran afoul of the queen at the time
Queen Mary the First
because they were being WAYYYY too protestant
especially Thomas Cranmer
who happened to also be the archbishop of canterbury
and that is kind of a conflict of interest?
so Mary rounds up these dudes
and she's about to set them on fire if they don't convert to non-protestantism
and Tommy is like WHOA WAIT
I TOTALLY TAKE BACK ALL MY PROTESTANT SHIT I SAID
I GET TO LIVE NOW, RIGHT?
and Mary is like uh nope
still gonna set you on fire
and Thomas is like WELL SHIT
I GUESS I TAKE BACK ALL THE NON-PROTESTANT SHIT I SAID THEN
PROTESTANTS 4EVA
and then he dies
and this is like that rhyme about the mice
because in this story
the three dudes who got burned represent the mice
except instead of being blind
they are protestants
and the queen represents the farmer's wife
except instead of cutting off their tails
she sets them on fire
and the whole thing is about religion
which just goes to show
that if you are coming up with a rhyme to celebrate history
folks give you a LOT of leeway

THE END

MONKEY KING

2011-12-20T16:35:00.000-08:00

Okay so some guy recommended this myth to me
I forget his name
but it was probably something badass like Omar McPunchkittens
whatever
let's talk about arrogant primates

So there's this stone monkey
he hatched out of a stone egg
that's normal
SO ANYWAY
this monkey becomes king of all the other monkeys
presumably because none of them want to have to try and punch him
seeing as he is made of STONE
so that's pretty sweet
he finds them this secret cave under a waterfall and shit

BUT THAT IS NOT ENOUGH FOR THIS MONKEY
he's like man
I'm made out of stone and I'm a king and everything
but you know what I'm NOT?
IMMORTAL
and the other monkeys are like dude
only sages and immortals and buddhas are immortal
and the monkey is like NOT A PROBLEM
IMMORTALITY AHOY

so he gets on a raft
which is a terrible dumb thing for a stone monkey to do
and then he sails for a long time until he finds some random sage
and in true kung-fu movie fashion
this sage dude has ol' monkeytimes carry water and chop wood for 7 years
also he changes his name from ol' monkeytimes to Wu K'ung
and then after seven years he's like okay monkey guy
seems like you are serious about learning this shit
also you have done HELLA chores and I am pleased
so here
here are the 72 transformations of immortality
also a somersault that will carry you around the world
and Wu K'ung is like AWWW SHITTTT
dude lemme at least give you a couple bucks
to pay you back for all these sweet transformations
and the sage is like naw bro
just make sure to not use your powers for being an asshole
and the monkey is like oh haha sure okay

so he goes back to the other monkeys
and he has to save them from some demons or something
and then he's like well shit
better get these dudes some weapons
so he does
and then he goes to the dragon king who lives underwater
and he's like yo dude
i want a really great weapon
and the dragon king
who is FUCKING TERRIFIED of Wu K'ung
is like sure dude
have this 3,000 pound sword
(if you're someplace that uses the metric system
I think that's about 7 kilometers)
and Wu K'ung is all like NOPE
TOO LIGHT
and the dragon king is like ohhh shit
okay
here's a 7,000 pound axe
and Wu K'ung is like NOPE
STILL TOO LIGHT
and the dragon king is like well uh okay
all we have is this huge iron bar that some guy used to make the oceans
and the monkey king is like PERFECT
I'LL TAKE IT
the staff is super huge
but it shrinks on command
and it also has its exact total weight written on it
which is like 13,000 pounds
and Wu K'ung is like hey guys
while I'm here
how about also some armor and sweet pimp clothes and fancy sandwiches?
and everyone is like sure okay dude just don't hurt us

so the monkey king comes back to his monkeys
and they're like DAMN BRO YOU LOOK AMAAAAAAZING
and he's like uh yeah
I KNOW
NOW I AM GOING TO TAKE A NAP
TRY NOT TO GET BLINDED BY ALL MY SICK FINERY
so he falls asleep
and starts having this CRAZY dream
where demons are dragging him into hell
and he's like whoa now FUCK THIS
and whips out his staff and brutally emasculates these demons
and then fancyswaggers right into the mouth of hell
into the inner sanctum or whatever
and he's like HEY CHINESE SATAN
WHAT'S THIS ABOUT?
and chines satan is like uh
uh
lemme check the book that says when everyone is gonna die
oh
look
it says you're gonna live to be like three hundred and-
FUCK THAT, says the monkey king
and he walks over to the book and he's like lemme just fix that real quick
and just straight crosses his name out
and then crosses out the names of all his monkey pals
and then he goes back to earth and his monkeys are like yo dude where you been
and he's like oh nowhere
just CUTTIN' THROUGH THE RED TAPE OF HELL
LIKE MAYOR MCBADASS AT THE RIBBON-CUTTING FOR AWESOME ISLAND
WIELDING THOSE GIANT NOVELTY SCISSORS
LIKE A GUILLOTINE
OF JUSTICE

so word gets around
and everyone starts to get pretty worried about this dude
so finally they all go ask the Jade Emperor
who is like the king of heaven or something
if he can do something about this rambunctious monkey
so the Jade emperor invites Wu K'ung up to his place
and he's like yo
monkey king
how would you like A ROYAL APPOINTMENT IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
and Wu K'ung is like FINALLY SOME RECOGNITION FOR MY AWESOME TALENTS
WHAT'S THE APPOINTMENT, KINGY-POO?
and the king is like
"Pi Ma Wen"
which means "Stable boy"
but apparently the monkey king doesn't know chinese
so he goes ahead and does this shit job for TEN YEARS
until he finally realizes that his job
actually involves picking up literal shit
I don't know why it took him ten years to realize this
but anyway he responds by breaking a bunch of shit and then going home
back to the monkeys
who are like DUDE
FUCK BEING A STABLEBOY
YOU SHOULD RUN FOR OFFICE
THE OFFICE OF "GREATEST SAGE EVER"
WE ARE NOT SURE THAT IS AN OFFICE
BECAUSE WE ARE ONLY MONKEYS
AND FRANKLY, EVEN OUR ABILITY TO SPEAK IS PRETTY REMARKABLE
BUT HEY MAN IT'S WORTH A SHOT
and Wu K'ung is like you know what
you're right

so he makes this big banner that says he's the greatest sage ever
and naturally this pisses heaven off
so the jade emperor sends some dudes to go fight him
along with like SEVERAL THOUSAND ARMY DUDES
but here is the problem:
the monkey king is like PRETTY MUCH INVINCIBLE
he can do crazy shit like pull out his hair and turn it into more of him
he can like
shoot lasers out of his face and multiply his arms and transmute flesh to fire
what I am saying is this guy's power level is THROUGH THE ROOF
he makes short work of the armies
and then some other armies
and finally the jade emperor is like okay dude
you wanna be the greatest sage?
fine
that's not even a thing
but check it out
we'll even build you a fucking castle
and make you caretaker of a grove full of immortality peaches
and Wu K'ung is like OH MAN
I LOVE HOW MY NEGATIVE ACTIONS HAVE ONLY POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES
then he busts into the peach orchard and eats like ALL THE PEACHES
even though he was immortal to begin with
so basically
what the fuck?

but so he eats a bunch of peaches
and he passes out in a peach tree
and these fairies come by to gather peaches for this sweet party
and they see that there are like NO PEACHES LEFT
and they wake up Wu K'ung
who has turned himself into a caterpillar for some reason
and he's like WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT
and they're like uh
we were supposed to get peaches for this sweet party the queen is throwing
and Wu K'ung is like THE QUEEN'S THROWING A PARTY
AND I'M NOT INVITED?
BUUUUUULLLLSHIT
so he casts a spell on the fairies
(it doesn't say what kind of spell
just any old spell
like maybe he set them on fire or bought them cotton candy
or just tattooed "STEAK" on all their foreheads
whatever)
and then he goes to the party
except he's not content to just crash the party normal-style
no no no
he turns his hair into a PLAGUE OF SLUMBER-INDUCING LOCUSTS
then once everyone is asleep
he rolls in
gets PLASTERED
breaks a bunch of shit
including SEVERAL MORE ELIXIRS OF IMMORTALITY
(holy SHIT heaven is like oozing with this stuff)
and then he sobers up enough to realize he should probably get out of here
and he flies back down to earth and meets back up with his monkey bros
like DUDES I JUST TOTALLY CRASHED A PARTY
AND I STOLE ALL THEIR BOOZE AND BROUGHT IT HERE
SO WE CAN KEEP THIS PARTY GOING
ALL
NIGHT
LONG

but so then they wake up to find that perhaps they have partied TOO HARD?!
because now their mountain where they live is surrounded by EIGHTEEN NETS
and also EIGHTEEN MILLION THOUSAND ARMY DUDES
and also a whole pantheon full of PISSED-OFF GODS
but Wu K'ung is like it's cool guys I got this
HIYAAAAAAAA
and BAM
he's got SIX ARMS
EACH WITH A DIFFERENT CRAZY KIND OF WEAPON
like
he has so many arms
that about halfway through he runs out of real weapons to hold
and has to start making shit up
like KNIFE?
CHECK
AXE?
CHECK
CONSTANTLY OSCILLATING WHEEL OF FIRE?
CHECK?
but yeah
then he also bites off a bunch of his hairs and turns them into a tun of him
man male pattern baldness is gonna hit this guy HARD

but so the gods are STILL pissed off
I mean
if there is one surefire way to piss off gods
it is getting between them and their booze
so finally they pull out their ace in the hole
their ace in the hole is just some other god named Ehr-lang
which is not an intimidating name in any language
but actually he is a pretty formidable dude
his power level is substantial and all that
and what he does
which is actually pretty brilliant
is he grows like 10,000 feet tall
and then Wu K'ung is like OH IT'S ON BITCH
and he grows himself like ten thousand and ONE feet tall
and while they are busy godzilla-ing it up up there
all of Ehr-lang's dudes just straight MASSACRE the other monkeys
and then the monkey king looks down and he's like AW FUCK DUDE WHAT DID YOU DO
I THOUGHT I ERASED ALL THOSE GUYS OUT OF THE BOOK OF DEATH OR SOMETHING
and Ehr-lang is like WELL THEN MY FISTS MUST BE FOUNTAIN PENS
CAUSE I DONE PENCILED Y'ALL BACK IN FOR 11:00
WHICH IS RIGHT NOW
AND I GUESS I DIDN'T PENCIL YOU IN
BECAUSE MY FISTS ARE PENS
BUT ANYWAY THE IDEA IS I'MA KILL YOU
but by the time Ehr-lang is done backpedaling Wu K'ung has already run away
and turned into a bird
so it's a good thing Ehr-lang has some kind of crazy GPS tracking device on him
he just starts chasing that bird like nobody's business
by turning into ANOTHER BIRD
and this goes on for a while
with these two dudes shifting through basically every flavor of ornithological bullshit
and some snakes and fish and stuff also
and finally they just turn back into dudes
and start punching the hell out of each other
and the gods are watching like should we fix this?
yeah
we should fix this
so one guy throws this magic diamond ring at Wu K'ung
which knocks him out and then ties him up
this is a serious ring my friends
this is the kind of ring i would give as an engagement ring
because then if my fiancee tried to run away
BAM
ROPES AND UNCONSCIOUSNESS
I am just not very confident in my personal charisma is all ok?

but so the monkey king is like AWW NUTS
TOTALLY UNFAIR
and everyone else is like well
as long as we're doing unfair things
why don't we put this monkey in a pot
and MELT HIM so all his immortality comes out and we can maybe salvage it
and everyone is like THAT IS A GREAT IDEA
so they put him in a pot
and they set it on fire
and they leave him in there for FORTY-NINE DAYS
and then one guy opens it up to check on his ashes
and BOOM
OUT BUSTS THE MONKEY KING
like BITCHES
DID YOU EVEN BOTHER TO LOOK UP IMMORTALITY IN THE DICTIONARY BEFORE YOU DID THIS?
IT MEANS I CAN'T DIE
IT'S NOT LIKE ONE OF THOSE BULLSHIT PARKING SIGNS
LIKE NO PARKING BEFORE TEN PM
THERE IS NO WORKAROUND
YOU CANNOT JUST KEEP CIRCLING THE BLOCK UNTIL MY IMMORTALITY DISSIPATES
NO MY FRIENDS
IMMORTALITY IS A SIGN THAT SAYS "NO DYING ANYTIME"
"MONDAY THROUGH SUNDAY"
"12AM TO 12AM"
"EVERY"
"DAMN"
"DAY"
so yeah basically the only thing anyone manages to accomplish by burning him
is turning his eyes a TOTALLY BADASS RED
so that's when the gods are like fuck it
I'm out of ideas
somebody call buddha

so they manage to dig up buddha's number
and he comes plummeting out of heaven like YO
MONKEY KING
LET'S HAVE US A CONVERSATION
and the monkey king is like sure okay what's up
and the buddha is like dude
you've been being a real shack of tools these past several hundred years
and everyone would like you to stop
would you consider just chilling the fuck out?
and the monkey king is like dude
chill out?
I was just in a furnace for a month and a half
the only thing I am about to chill out is these beers I just stole from heaven
and buddha is like whoa whoa okay
a proposition then
if you can do a backflip out of my hand
you can go ahead and keep doing whatever you want
but if you can't
I OWN you
and Wu K'ung is like psh WHAT?
your hand is like nine inches long
I can somersault AROUND THE WORLD
this is TRUE COMEDY, buddha
I accept your proposition

so buddha sticks out his hand
and Wu K'ung climbs on top of it
and he's like ready
set
BACKFLIP
and he's backflippin' harder than a whole swimming pool full of breakdancers
until finally he stops
and he's standing at the foot of these FIVE MASSIVE PILLARS
and he's like HAH
I MUST BE IN SOME CRAZY ALIEN DIMENSION
LET ME MARK THIS PLACE FOR POSTERITY
so he carves his initials into one of the pillars
and then pisses on it for good measure
and then backflips back to where he started
and buddha's like WHAT THE FUCK MAN
YOU JUST PISSED IN MY HAND
YOU LITERALLY JUST PISSED ALL OVER MY FUCKING HAND
HOLY SHIT DUDE
HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF BUDDHA'S INESCAPABLE PALM?
HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU?
and then buddha turns his hand into a mountain composed of a bunch of elements
and imprisons Wu K'ung under it for like several thousand years
with nothing to eat but iron pills
and nothing to drink but MOLTEN COPPER
until some sage decides he's suffered enough
and releases him and gives him a new name
and they go searching for the mythic scriptures of buddhism
but THAT is a story for another time

so I think the moral of this story
is if you find yourself outmatched by a superior opponent
don't fuck around
call Buddha FIRST

The end.

Ducks are Idiots

2011-12-15T17:32:00.000-08:00

I was in a record shop today
the record shop was also an arcade
I found a record entitled "So-and-So's Waggish Tales"
and I am somewhat of a connoisseur of waggish tales
so I picked that shit up
and here is what I found:

So there's this kid Peter
he does not give a FUCK
he lives in this crazy wolf-infested forest
and decides that today is a good day to just go blithely walking around
all over the place
totally leaving his gate open and everything
and since the gate is open
his duck also busts out the house
like QUACK QUACK QUACK TIME FOR SOME BAD DECISIONS
and then the duck jumps in the pond
and runs up on some other kind of bird
and the two of them immediately throw down
the little bird is like BITCH
WHAT KIND OF BIRD ARE YOU IF YOU CAN'T EVEN FLY?
and the duck is like DOUBLEBITCH
WHAT KIND OF BIRD ARE YOU IF YOU CAN'T EVEN SWIM?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT KIND
A VERY DRY BIRD
VERY
VERY
DRYYYYYYY
and while the two of them are busy arguing
a cat tries to roll up and pounce on the little bird
but peter is like HEY BIRD LOOK OUT
and the bird flies into a tree
and the duck swims into the middle of the pond
and the cat is left sitting at the bottom of the tree like hm
this basically sucks
and the bird is like HAHA TWATSHANKS LOOKS LIKE GRAVITY STRIKES AGAIN

so this goes on for a while
and then Peter is like shut the fuck up guys my grandpa is coming
and grandpa mcgee comes running out like PETER YOU WORTHLESS BARGE OF TITS
WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT BLITHELY WANDERING AROUND IN THE MEADOW?
THIS FOREST IS TEEMING WITH WOLVES
TEEMING WITH THEM
GET BACK INSIDE RIGHT NOW
and peter is like pshaw
I ain't afraid of no wolves
but he goes inside anyway because he does not want to get smacked
leaving the birds to continue hiding from the cat

but no sooner does peter go inside
then the wolf arrives
like hey guys there's a party in my stomach and you guys are invited
and everyone is like HELL NO WE KNOW ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AT THOSE PARTIES
and the cat climbs the tree
the bird stays the hell away from the cat
and the duck apparently has an idiot fit and jumps OUT OF THE POND
and starts running from the wolf on spindly little duck legs
so he gets eaten
OBVIOUSLY
and then peter comes back outside like oh snap
time to be all courageous and whatnot
so he climbs to the top of this big stone wall he lives behind
and from there he hops into the tree
with a whole ton of rope
and he's like okay bird
now's your chance to not suck a whole lot
go down there and fly around the wolf's head til he gets dizzy and passes out
and the bird is like sure ok
so he goes down there and starts baffling that carnivore
and meanwhile peter fashions a noose out of the rope
but no
he doesn't do the rad thing and just straight hang that wolf right there
no instead he loops the noose around the wolf's tail
and hoists him up into the tree
predator style
and then some hunters come out of the woods
firing their weapons indiscriminately
and peter is like WHOA GUYS WHOA
first of all
there are people here that you are sort of shooting at
second of all
we can make WAY MORE MONEY by selling this wolf to the zoo
help me do that instead of doing your job
and the hunters are like uh ok
and then everyone takes the wolf to the zoo
including the grandfather
who is none too happy about any of this
because he is old and that is his job
oh and also apparently the wolf has a really faulty digestive tract
because the duck is still totally alive inside his stomach
quacking and causing a ruckus
but it's not like anyone cuts him out or anything
no
they just leave him in there to die

so the moral of the story
is if you have someone in your life who is a constant danger/nuisance
don't kill them
killing is wrong
sell them to the zoo

THE END

Animals != Astronomical Bodies

2011-12-13T21:58:00.000-08:00

Today's myth comes from IDAHO
and also the sexy supple typing fingers of MEGAZORD "HOTT RADIATION" BURLESQUE
it is about workplace harassment

OKAY SO COYOTES
they are everywhere
and they eat your cats and shit in your gardens
no one likes coyotes
this is because when given the slightest opportunity
Coyotes pull shit like this:

so there's this place in Idaho or Montana or something and it has no moon
everyone hates it
because how are they supposed to have sexy late night disco parties?
electricity has not been invented yet my friends
this is what was once known as BAD TIMES FOR DISCO

so everyone gets together and they're like fuck this
we need a MOON
then we can truly bone
ALL NIGHT LONG
without anyone hitting their face on the bedpost
and getting like a bloody nose or something
and then it's totally a turnoff for some people
SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
okay, okay what do we have a lot of that we're not using?
oh I know
ANIMALS
HEY ANIMALS
and the animals are like yo hey
and the people are like HOW ABOUT ONE OF YOU CRAWLS UP THERE AND REFLECTS SUNLIGHT
AND THEN WE CAN TRULY BONE
ALL
NIGHT
LONG
NOT YOU AND US
US AND EACH OTHER
WHAT ARE WE, FREAKS?
OKAY NOW GO UP IN THE SKY NOW
and fox
who is dumb and eager to please
is like OKAY GUYS I WILL BE THE BEST SUN
so he runs up into the sky
and he curls himself up into a ball
and he starts reflecting the FUCK out of that sun
but here's the problem my friends
fox is WAY TOO GOOD AT HIS JOB
it's like straight up daylight all over the place
everyone caught with their wangs out
totally embarrassed
and they're like hey fox
sorry buddy
but we need a little more mood lighting for this vigorous boning
gonna need you to step down from the sky
and fox is like aww okay
and then raven is like OH SNAP NOW'S MY CHANCE
NOTHING IS SEXIER
THAN BLACKLIGHT
so raven flies up there
and he balls himself up
but see
black is TERRIBLE for reflecting shit
and pretty soon everyone is banging their faces on bedposts again
and not in the good way
i'm sure there's a good way for that to happen
but so yeah everyone wipes the blood off their faces and sexparts
and they're like okay raven
I know we said we wanted someone to be less good at their job
but we did not mean for someone to come in and drive the failbus straight off a cliff
seriously dude this is no good
so raven slinks back down to earth all humiliated
cause at least fox only got fired for being GOOD at his job
and it is at this point that Coyote decides to make his move
he's like GUYS
LOOK AT ME
MY FUR IS EXACTLY THE RIGHT COLOR
THIS IS ONE JOB SITUATION
WHERE RACIAL PROFILING
IS TOTALLY OKAY
and everyone is like well we are uncomfortable with your rhetoric
but okay sure

so coyote gets his ass up in the sky
and he curls into a ball
and it's perfect
it's great
everyone is boning up a storm
but not a literal storm
that would be bad and probably interrupt the boning
no this is a figurative storm
composed of gyrating pelvii and windmilling dangly bits
it's great
you should have been there
but then Coyote gets all bored
because as we have already established
this dude has some serious ADD
so he starts using his priveleged position up in the sky
to start snooping
he's all peeping in lasses' windows
like HEY
HEY EVERYONE
SUSAN JUST INVENTED THE SEXTUPLE TWANK TWISTER
COME LOOK
and everyone comes and looks
and susan doesn't even come at all
because a screaming moon is the biggest bonerkill
Coyote also uses his moon powers to prevent justified theft and cheat at cards
basically no one is happy about this
so they totally fire him

but he's like HAHA
YOU CAN'T REALLY FIRE ME
I'M THE PERFECT COLOR
HOO-RAH
and everyone is like uh
there are pretty much a ho-jillion animals with the same color fur as you
case in point: rabbit
and rabbit is not such a fucking spaz either
get up there, rabbit
so rabbit gets up there
and ends up being pretty chill about the whole thing
FOREVER
and that is why coyote is always howling at the moon
he just cannot get over that stuff that happened that one time

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is maybe we should consider firing the moon
cause I bet we have the technology
to genetically engineer a WAY BETTER MOON than some fucking rabbit

THE END

More Reasons Not To Be a Bird

2011-12-08T17:34:00.000-08:00

So on the one hand
this semester is almost over
on the other hand
THIS SEMESTER NEVER FUCKING ENDS
so in the interest of going back to sleep
or work or whatever it is I have to do today
here's a short fable:

So there's this eagle
he's on top of the world
real fancydapper motherfucker we got going on here
why is it that these fables always start with an animal having a REALLY GOOD TIME
but by the end of the tale that is NO LONGER THE CASE?
could Aesop not be arsed to save up all the good times for a happy ending
I dunno
MAYBE ONE FUCKING TIME?
let me answer that for you:
nope

okay so this eagle
he's flying along
and then he gets pegged with an arrow
RIGHT IN THE FACE
so he's like oh fuck
this is the worst
this is way worse than what happened to that fox that one time
and then he falls out of the sky
and he breaks his everything on the ground
and as he's dying
he looks at the arrow
and he notices that the feathers on the end
are his OWN
DAMN
FEATHERS
WHOAH

so the moral of the story is supposed to be something like
WE OFTEN GIVE OUR ENEMIES THE MEANS OF OUR OWN DESTRUCTION
but fuck that
how the hell are you gonna stop your feathers from coming out?
or if you're not a bird
what about hair?
what is going to stop some wiley hunter/voodoo master
from stealing all your hair
and using a combination of street smarts and witchcraft to stab you in the face?
NOTHING, that's what
except
not having hair
laser hair removal:
that is the REAL moral of the story.

THE END.

Grapes: Just Not Worth It

2011-12-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

Aw Jeez guys
I can't believe I actually FORGOT to post a myth yesterday
that's happened like what
FOUR TIMES EVER?
balls
oh well
Tuesday's a shitty day anyway

WHICH REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE FABLE YOU MIGHT KNOW

so there's this fox right
he thinks he's hot shit
all gallivanting around town
sexin' up hot ladyfoxes
evading rambunctious dudehounds
(not dudes who are prowling for other dudes
I mean actual hounds
who are of the male persuasion
don't read anything into that)
basically this fox is doing everything foxes are supposed to do
WITH PANACHE
until one day
he runs up on this tree full of grapes
I was unaware grapes grew on trees
I thought they grew on vines
but whatever
I guess the vines could have climbed the tree or something
seems like a lot of work for some vines though if you ask me
all the vines I know are super lazy
not that I'm generalizing or anything
I'm sure some of you know some very clean and industrious vines
BUT LOOK ANYWAY
this super slick super sassy fox guy
is like HEY GRAPES
HOWSABOUT YOU AND ME HAVE A LITTLE RENDEZVOUS
IN MY STOMACH
wait wait I said that wrong
I do not mean to imply that I will be in my stomach to meet you
i mean that YOU will be in my stomach
and I will be on the outside
digesting you
that's how that works, right?
yes, ok
SO THE FOX STARTS TAKING RUNNING LEAPS AT THESE GRAPES
but the grapes are WAYYYY up there
because of these supernaturally industrious vines
so he is straight olympic-class failing all over the place
faceplanting so hard he is seeding ACTUAL FACEPLANTS
and finally he stops
and he wipes the blood off his face
and he's like fuck this
I bet those are sucky grapes anyway
I bet they suck real bad
and then he goes home and he doesn't talk about this to anybody

so the moral of the story
is foxes shouldn't be vegetarians

THE END.

SATURDAY BONUS: SEXYTIMES AS SEACRAFT

2011-12-03T12:32:00.000-08:00

don't go thinking this is gonna happen all the time
but sometimes maybe I will do a thing
where I just write something that is not a myth and post in on saturday
or do SOMETHING
I don't know
but today I really just have something I need to get off my chest
it is about boats

guys I think the airplane metaphor for sex is way overplayed
wingman?
come on
where does a wingman even go
does he have to hold on to the wind of the supersonic jet that is your sexuality?
DOES NOT SOUND FUN
and you know what happens when you set yourself up with airplane imagery, right?
You get SHOT DOWN
and then you CRASH AND BURN
why would you take an already difficult and dangerous situation:
BONING
and staple it to basically the most highly dangerous form of transport
that you could POSSIBLY IMAGINE
might as well call your wingman your DYNOMITE TRAIN CONDUCTOR
or ELITE SPACESHIP JET FIGHTER ROBOT DROIDPAL
and I mean
while those both sound sweet
they do not leave you open to high probabilities of sexytimes
Piloting an elite spaceship jet fighter is HARD guys
and when it comes to sexytimes
the only thing that should be hard
is your PENIS
or someone else's penis depending on if you are a guy or a girl or a gay dude
or maybe SEVERAL PENISES if you're into that
or maybe no penises at all if you're into THAT
look I don't know
the common denominator is penises, though

and see on the other hand, boats are great
boats are super sexy
they have naked chicks on the front of them sometimes
and they go on the ocean
which everyone knows moves in a manner similar to sex
see also: the sea is a harsh mistress
also
huge, throbbing masts
also
if you fall out of a boat YOU DON'T NEED A FUCKING PARACHUTE TO NOT DIE IMMEDIATELY
YOU NEED SOME WOOD
OR A SMALLER BOAT
OR BASICALLY JUST ANYTHING AT ALL THAT DOESN'T SINK
AND DID ANYONE CATCH THAT I JUST SAID WOOD?
COME ON GUYS
your chances are way better with boats is what i'm saying
plus, consider this:
the mile high club is old news
anyone can buy a plane ticket and get all steamy in a cramped bathroom
full of 1-ply toilet paper and broken dreams
but what about the TWENTY THOUSAND LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA CLUB
no i'm not talking about a club for people who have read that book
Shit, I never read that book
I spent the time I would have spent reading that book
getting laid in a SUBMARINE

so as you guys may know
I have already suggested a number of helpful alternatives
to our current aerocentric set of sex metaphors
for starters, we can replace wingman with poon sextant
and for a handy feminine alternative
something that the current SEXIST AIRPLANE SYSTEM does not allow for
we get titcaptain
also titstrolabe
with me so far?

okay, but see those are just the basics.
there's a whole lot of nautical instruments out there
and the more of them we sexualize
the larger our arsenal of sexy sea terms becomes
or should I say be-CUMS
no
okay so anyway
let's see
first we've got the terms that need no reworking
I'm talking about things like First Mate, Bulk Head, Poop deck
and I Like The Cut of Your Jib
but if we really want to make this work we've got to get creative
so for the discerning sexophile
looking to get "nauti" with some "seamen"
we've got the SpyglAss
the Main MAsst
the CutlAss
and the all-important CumpAss
or Cum-pass
although I don't know how many situations you're going to be in
where you really need to pass some cum around
maybe this goes hand in hand with that multiple penises thing I talked about earlier

but guys
nautical sexy talk is more than just finding the word ass buried inside other words
(much like a pirate buries treasure on a secret island
or like an ass-pirate buries treasure in a secret ass)
nautical sexy talk is a LIFESTYLE
don't ask if they want to come back to your place
ask if they want to come back to the captain's quarters
or if you're feeling frisky
the captain's hindquarters
Break the ice with "what's kraken?"
and when that doesn't work, bid them goodbye with a "sea you later."
Take the time to find out what you really WOULD do with a drunken sailor
THE POSSIBILITIES ARE AS VAST AS THE BOUNDLESS HORIZON OF THE OCEAN HERSELF
AND LIKE, SIX TIMES AS SEXY
but I'm tired now, and I figure I've given you plenty to work with
so arm the cannons and hoist those masts, mateys
WE'VE GOT A WHALE TO CATCH

no wait that sounded wrong.

T'ieh-kuai Li is an evil ghost

2011-12-01T21:58:00.000-08:00

It is an indication of how my tastes change over time
that I apparently thought this story sucked the first time I read this book
either that or it is an indication
of how stupid past-me is

OKAY SO T'IEH-KUAI LI RIGHT?
keep that name firmly in your mind
because I swear that's the only time I'm typing that
but anyway so this guy is a taoist immortal
he is already a taoist immortal BEFORE THIS STORY EVEN STARTS
he's super adept at longevity and spirit travel
which basically means he can shoot his ghost out of his body
and then make it do things
like get groceries and shit
it's a pretty cool trick and everyone is jealous
and it doesn't help that this guy is like SUPER HOT
because of the longevity and secret taoist herbs and stuff
and he's way proud of that
because I mean
why wouldn't he be?

So one day
all the taoist immortals get invited to a sweet party up in
uh
wherever the hell these dudes hang out
so this guy goes to his servant and he's like hey
dude
gonna shoot my ghost out of my body and into space
so i can go to a sweet party
hang out here and watch my body for a while, k?
just make sure it doesn't like
get eaten by wolves or anything
and uh
we immortals
we tend to party pretty hard
I mean
we're immortals
so if I'm not back in a week
just burn my corpse, ok
I'm probably so drunk it doesn't matter
and the servant is like SURE THING BOSS

so this immortal dude goes ahead and vomits his soul up
and the servant sits there for DAYS
waiting for him to come back
shooing away pesky wolves
until the morning of the seventh day arrives
and a messenger shows up like HEY
SERVANT
YOUR MOM'S DYING
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO SAY WHAT'S UP
and the servant is like aw fuck
the week isn't technically over yet
but you know what
it's been seven days
fuck it
so he sets the corpse on fire and goes to say what's up to his dying mom
and like TEN MINUTES LATER the ghost shows up
and he sees his body on fire
and he's like AWWWWW FUCK
oh well
I guess sometimes
your body just catches on fire
what are you gonna do?

and that's a good question actually
because without a body
this dude is fucked
his ghost can't last forever
he still needs some flesh to roll around in
PLUS
he's super hung over and he could really go for a burrito
and ghosts don't have mouths
so he's floating around looking for a body
and he's getting pretty desperate
when FINALLY
he discovers a dead hobo
decaying by the roadside
and he's like aw man
do I have to
but burrito hunger is a powerful thing my friends
and he finally mans up and crawls inside the smelly hobo corpse
and that is how the most handsome of all the Taoist immortals
became a gross-ass hobo with a metal crutch

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is don't hire servants with moms
or else one of these days
it is going to come down to a decision
between their mom
and setting your corpse on fire

THE END.

The Miller is one Drunk Motherfucker

2011-11-29T22:14:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when I get an extra day off, guys
I have time to read ten pages of middle fucking english
and bring you this:
enjoy

Okay so first off, a little backstory
there's all these dudes and they are riding horses and shit
they are in england and they are trying to get to canterbury
cause that is where the party is at
or where the cathedral is at
or some kind of sacred statue at least
look WHATEVER
the point is there are a bunch of dudes and chicks on horses
and they get pretty bored because horses are slow
so this one guy
who is an inkeeper normally
is like GUYS
GUYS
making people less bored is what I DO
here's the plan:
we're gonna have a storytelling contest
and whoever tells the raddest story is going to get $$$$$$$$
so first up let's hear a story from THIS KNIGHT I FOUND
and the knight is like SHIT YEAH BITCHES
and he tells a story
and maybe I will tell you that story some time
because it is pretty good in its own (boring boring) way
but for now we've got bigger fish to fry
cause see
after the knight finishes telling his story
the innkeeper is like GREAT STORY BRO
MAN
I WAS MOVED TO TEARS
OKAY UP NEXT LET'S HEAR A STORY FROM THIS NOBLE MONK OVER HERE
but that's when shit goes haywire
cause there's this miller riding with them
and he is TRASHED
it's like 2PM and this guy is like falling off his horse
and he's like HEY
INKEEPER
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU
SEEMS TO ME
YOU'RE JUST PICKING ALL THE RICH FANCY POPULAR DUDES
TO TELL ALL THEIR RICH FANCY POPULAR TALES
AND I MAY BE DRUNK
BUT I'M SURE AS HELL NOT FANCY OR POPULAR
SO GATHER ROUND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
ABOUT BUTTS
and the Innkeeper is like whoa now
slow your roll there drunky mcdrunkenpants
and the Miller is like IF I'M SO DRUNK HOW COME YOU DON'T LOOK FUCKABLE YET
THERE ARE TWO POSSIBLE REASONS FOR THIS
REASON ONE: I'M NOT DRUNK
IN WHICH CASE YOU SHOULD LET ME TELL MY STORY
REASON TWO: YOU'RE JUST REAAAAAAALLY UGLY
AND NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE ORDERS FROM UGLY PEOPLE
SO I SHOULD STILL TELL MY STORY
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO
HERE IS MY STORY ABOUT BUTTS AND SEX AND CARPENTERS

now guys
before we begin this story
let me just remind you
that I am only a storyteller here
not even a full-on storyteller
a story RE-teller
so whatever the miller is about to say
it's totally not my responsibility
this is his drunk-ass talking
filtered through the horndog sensibilites of Geoffrey Chaucer
and I will not hear any complaints
or god help me I am turning this myth around and we are going home

(I'm going to put this all in quotation marks so yall don't forget)

" Okay so there's this carpenter
his name is John
he's a big jerk and also dumb
also old and gross
but he runs a pretty sweet motel
and also he has a REALLY HOT WIFE
guys
GUYS
his wife is so hot
I would eat pudding off her ass
STRAIGHT UP I WOULD
DON'T TEST ME
FIND ME AN ASS I WOULDN'T EAT PUDDING OFF OF
AND I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT ASS WILL HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON THE ASS OF THIS WOMAN IN THE STORY I AM TELLING
her name is Allison by the way
and she has a nasty habit of eyefucking the SHIT
out of every man, woman and child in the vicinity
and what the fuck is this old guy doing getting married to this fine piece of ass?
can you spell Gold-digger?
cause I can't
I'm way too drunk and I think I just pooped a little

SO ANYWAY
there's also this dude living in the motel
his name is Nicholas
"Handy" Nicholas
"Handy" as in "Handy-man"
like the handy-men that are in all those pornos
he's a scholar
A SCHOLAR OF POON, THAT IS
but also a regular scholar
he's a pretty smart dude

so ONE DAY
while John the carpenter is out buying wood or something
Handy Nicholas just walks right up to Allison
grabs her on the vag
and is like hey baby howsabout you and me conjugate sexwise
if you know what I mean
and Allison is like WAIT NO
I'VE GOT A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
also I'm not entirely sure what you mean by conjugate sexwise
and Nicholas is like well that's all well and good
but I notice you have yet to remove my hand from your vagina
and Allison is like truuuuuuuue
then they bang

but halfway through banging Allison is like WAIT
I STILL HAVE A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
WHAT IF HE FINDS OUT
and Nicholas is like cool it baby
what kind of poon scholar would I be
if I couldn't outwit some dumbass carpenter?
look I have a plan
and step one of that plan
is for you to stop blueing my balls
and back that ass up
SEXWISE

so when John gets home
he finds that Handsy Nicholas has locked himself in his own room
along with his Titstrolabe and his Poon Sextant
and proceeds to just sit in there
FOR DAYS
gawping at the ceiling
until John finally freaks the fuck out
because shit man
he doesn't want another dead body in his motel
so he has his house dude bust down the door
and then Nicholas is like JOHN
THANK GOD YOU'VE ARRIVED
I'VE HAD A VISION
A VISION
FROM GODDDDDDD
but listen dude
you can't tell ANYONE ELSE about this vision
this is a you and me only vision
SO OKAY
VISION TIME
GET READY
alright so you've heard about Noah, right?
what if I told you
you were about to star in NOAH 2:
TURBO EDITION
and John is like holy shit YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
and Nicholas is like okay guy
here's what I need you to do
I need you to go out and buy three feed tubs
like for feed
for animals
and I want you to hang them from your ceiling by ropes
and I want you to stuff them full of delicious food
and then you and me and your wife will lie in the feed tubs
and you have to lie as far away from your wife as possible
because god doesn't want your dick anywhere near her puddinglicious ass
during the storm, I mean
you can thwap all over that shit later
MAYBE
but anyway yeah
then get an axe so you can cut all the ropes when I give the signal
and we will all drop into the water
and float away to safety
and everyone else will DROWN and DIE
and then we'll all be floating on top of the water
and I'll be like HEY JOHN IT'S GREAT TO BE ALIVE, HUH?
and you'll be like HEY NICHOLAS
I CAN TOTALLY SEE YOUR FACE BECAUSE IT IS DAY TIME AND THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF
sound good?
and the Carpenter is like THAT SOUNDS GREAT AND ALSO TOTALLY BELIEVABLE
carpenters: SOOOOO DUMB AM I RIGHT

so John goes around and sets up all this dumb stuff that is super dumb
and then that night he and his wife and Nicholas all climb into the tubs
like GOODNIGHT GUYS
LET'S ALL PRAY BECAUSE THIS IS A REAL THING THAT IS HAPPENING
and then while John is praying
Allison and Nicholas climb out of the tubs
sneak inside
and FUUUUUUUUUCK

but guys
guys
this is where it gets REALLY GREAT
cause there's this other scholar dude
his name is Absalon
and this asshole thinks he's SO DAMN PRETTY
you know the type
he's the guy with the van halen hair
and he plays guitar
and every time a religious holiday rolls around
he is the dude carrying the censer
which is a big mace full of incense
that he uses to go into hot chick's houses
and bathe them with sweet-smelling smoke
seriously
this guy had to join the church to come up with an excuse to fondle women
how fucked up is that?
also
he is CONSTANTLY going into bars
and playing his fucking guitar to try and get with the waitresses
and despite that
he's a real squeamish dude
who is TERRIFIED of farts
man I bet THAT won't come into play at all right?

but so obviously Absalon is hot on Allison
and when he hears a rumor circulating around town
that no one has seen John all day
(cause john is in his shed building his dumbass contraption)
and he's like SWEET
NOW'S MY CHANCE
so he waits til like 5AM
and he goes over to Allison's window
and he starts serenading the FUCK out of that window
and Allison goes over to the window like FUCK BALLS WHAT DO YOU WANT
and Absalon is like I WANT YOUR BODY ALL OVER MY BODY
and Allison is like EW NO
I DON'T WANT YOUR VAN-HALEN-LOOKIN' ASS ANYWHERE NEAR MY ASS
HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN MY ASS
PEOPLE HAVE OFFERED TO PAY ME MONEY
TO EAT PUDDING OFF OF IT
PUDDING, OK
and Absalon is like OKAY FINE
WELL CAN I AT LEAST GET A KISS?
and Allison is like WILL YOU GO THE FUCK HOME?
and Absalon is like OK SURE
so he busts out a ladder he brought specifically for this purpose
and he climbs up to the window
and it's really dark, you gotta understand
so he gets up there and he puckers his lips
and Allison proceeds to stick her ASS out the window
and Absalon starts making out with her pungent hole
and then he's like hey wait a second
women don't have ... beards
AW SHIT
and Allison is like TEE HEE
and then slams the window in his face
and goes back to banging Nicholas

so now Absalon is FURIOUS
like, real furious
this is dangerous
this is a dangerous game now
he's ready to KILL someone
or at least seriously maim them
cause see what he does
is he goes over to this blacksmith's place, right
and the blacksmith is like yo Absalon
what's your van-halen-lookin' ass doing in here at 5 o'clock in the damn morning?
and Absalon is like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
LET ME BORROW YOUR RED HOT IRON REAL QUICK
and then he just grabs that shit and runs out of the store
and he goes back to Allison's window
and he's like HEY
HEY
OPEN THE FUCK UP
I BROUGHT YOU MY GRANDMA'S RING
I WILL TRADE IT WITH YOUR TAWDRY SELF IN EXCHANGE FOR MORE KISSES
and this time it's Nicholas who hears him
cause see he just got up to take a piss
so he makes his voice all high and he goes like COMING, HONEY
and he goes over to the window
and he sticks his narrow scholar ass out the window
and Absolon climbs all the way up there
and Nicholas rips the NASTIEST FUCKING FART
like BLURRRTTTTTTTTTTTTT
and Absolon is almost blown off the damn ladder
[THIS IS LITERATURE GUYS. THIS IS FUCKING LITERATURE]
but he's got his red hot iron ready this time
and he just jabs Handsy Nick right in his flapping asshole
and Nick's taint catches on fire
and he runs into the house like WATER
WATER
HOLY SHIT
WATER
and John
who is still in the shed waiting for judgement day
hears Nick yelling and is like WATER?
HOLY SHIT THE FLOOD HAS COME
and he takes the axe
and severs the ropes
and plummets to the floor and breaks his arm
and the whole town shows up
and Nicholas is like hey guys
look at dumbass John the Carpenter
he thought there was going to be some kind of biblical flood
he was trying to make me and his wife go along with it
but luckily we were too busy banging or WHO KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED
and everyone makes fun of john forever
although I think he still stays married to Allison
so I don't know what Nicholas got out of this whole thing
other than a scorched asshole

but uh, okay
so the moral of the story?
well the moral of the story is that hot chicks make terrible wives
and scholars make terrible friends
so maybe you're better off just being gay
because at least then it's not a TOTAL loss
if you find yourself making out with some dude's asshole at 5:00 in the morning

THE END."

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

2011-11-24T22:08:00.000-08:00

Okay so there's some dudes right
they're in england and they hate it and I don't blame them
England sucks
happy america day assholes
So then they leave in some boats
and they go hit up amsterdam
because they hear that is where they grow the good weed
but then their kids start to do really terrible shit
like learn dutch
and maybe not be super christian all the time?
and no amount of good weed is worth that
so they get on some MORE boats
called the Mayflower and the Speedwell
and they sail to AMERICA
except apparently some smartass decided to name the speedwell ironically
and it is actually a slow as shit loserbarge
and it has to go home early and miss the america party
except it turns out that the america party is actually a really shitty party
because step one of the party is wait on a boat for FUCKING EVER
getting hungry and perpetually seasick
but at least someone has the good sense to poop out a baby
which they name OCEANUS
which is OBJECTIVELY RAD
but that is just about the only objectively rad thing in this whole story
because when they show up in America it is ULTRA WINTER
like if winter were to take steroids and then craft for itself a robot ice suit
and team up with mister freeze to spew catchphrases and ice beams
all over this damn country
and see they were kind of hoping to find some like
good wholesome christian white folks
in gated communities with supermarkets and bowling alleys
and instead they get SKULLFUCK RUTHLESS WINTER
ALL DAY
ALL THE TIME
ALSO ALL NIGHT
and a ton of people die
because that's what winter is all about

but some people survive the winter
including BRAVE CAPTAIN MILES STANDISH
and he goes out and finds him some Indians
because remember
everyone still thinks they're in india I guess?
and one of the indians is I guess named Squanto
and that indian teaches all the white dudes to plant CORN and BARLEY
and the white dudes are like THANK YOU KIND INDIAN
WE WILL DEFINITELY REMEMBER THIS SOLID YOU HAVE DONE US
AND PAY YOU BACK IN KIND FOREVER AND EVER
and then later all the crops sprout
and the white dudes go into the forest and shoot like A THOUSAND turkeys
also some deers
and then they cut them all open and invite EVERYBODY
and all the indians show up and bring crazy foreign shit to eat
and everyone is so super jazzed about all this food
that they do not stop partying for THREE DAYS
and there are NINETY DUDES
and HOLY CRAP THAT IS A PARTY
and then the party is over and the white dudes are like okay guys that was great
but we're totally killing you now
you know
for your land
and the indians are like haha joke's on you
you can't kill us if we DIE OF SMALLPOX FIRST
and then everyone decides to relive this momentous occasion yearly
on an arbitrary thursday
by producing more food than they can possibly consume
and then goading each other into eating it
also: Families!

so the moral of the story
is next time you wanna have a party
but you are worried that you do not have a good enough reason
maybe just
have a party
seriously
your reasoning can't be any worse than these pilgrim dudes

THE END.

(I actually really like thanksgiving though)

This is why I'm not friends with any ants

2011-11-22T13:35:00.000-08:00

Okay so grasshoppers, right?

this story has one of them
also one ant
also more ants
it is called
THE STORY OF THE GRASSHOPPER AND THE ANT(s)
(haha
i almost typed "asshopper and the grant"
hehe butts)

so anyway, this grasshopper
he's hopping the fuck out of some grass
but other than that he's pretty much being worthless
just hangin' around with his little grasshopper dick in his hands
doin' nothing
and meanwhile
here comes this ant
lugging a WHOLE ENTIRE EAR OF CORN
which is a lot of corn for such a tiny ant
and the grasshopper is like hey ant
where are you going with all that corn
it looks heavy
how about instead of that you come have a party with me
we can get fucked up and watch this grass grow
I have been hopping all over it all day and let me tell you my friend
this is some primo grass we got going on
and the ant is like dude
I ain't got time for that shit
I am hauling this corn back to antsville
where we will store it for winter
so that we can distill it into ant-ethanol
to power our ant cars
also for food
and the grasshopper is like BOOOOOOOO-RINNNNNGGGGGG
dude that is so boring
I think i just had a snoregasm
HEYOOOOO
and then he goes to the liquor store and buys like nine 4locos
and wakes up with his face halfway through a hooker and it's winter now
and he's like HOLY SHIT
IT'S WINTER
WHERE AM I GOING TO GET FOOD
OH I KNOW
I'LL GO ASK MY BUDDY THE ANT
but when he gets to antsville
all the ants just roll up the windows of their ant cars as they drive by
and shake their smug little ant heads
and then the grasshopper dies and trees eat his frozen corpse

So the moral of the story
is it may seem like a good idea to make industrious friends
so you can mooch off them later
but actually it is probably better to just make friends who are as lazy as you
because then when winter comes
maybe they will die first and you can eat them

THE END.

Cipactli

2011-11-19T19:43:00.000-08:00

Scimitar Fawkes brings you this little gem
straight out of AZTECLAND
which is not a real place anymore
because it got blown up by progress
progress and diseases
but anyway yeah it's about where the world comes from

so I know what you're thinking
BUT OVID WE ALREADY HEARD THE AZTEC CREATION MYTH LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGO
first of all
none of you were alive a million years ago
second of all
that was the MAYAN creation myth so shut up
and third of all
this is basically like the PREQUEL to that creation myth
so it's like the creation myth
OF THE CREATION MYTH
OOHHHHH SHITTTTT

so basically there's this raging bisexual god called Ometecuhtli/Omecihuatl
which i am looking forward to never typing again ever in my whole life
and what he/she does
is fuck the shit out of him/herself
and have four godbabies
one for each of the cardinal directions
Their names are really long and full of consonants
as you might expect
so the only one I'm gonna bother to name is Tezcatlipoca
LORD OF THE NIGHT SKY
because (SPOILER ALERT) he gets dismembered later
But so the gods get created
and they immediately start doing the one thing gods are good at
which is creating things
but see here's the problem:
one of the things they create is a limitless world crocodile called Cipactli
with mouths at every single joint of its motherfucking body
and this is basically the worst possible thing to have around
when you are trying to create other things
especially when you haven't actually made a place to put any of the stuff you made
so it all just falls into the ocean
where it is immediately devoured by A MILLION ANGRY CROCODILE MOUTHS
and I mean
I think we can all agree that this is pretty sweet
but like most totally sweet things
it is also EXTREMELY INEFFICIENT
so finally all the gods are just like fuck this
we're tearing this motherfucker UP
and luckily they are all already situated at the cardinal directions
so they each just grab a corner of this gatorbeast and START PULLIN'
but guys
I think you may recall
that this gatorbeast is MADE OF MOUTHS
and Tezcatlipoca's foot ends up inside of one of those
and then it gets eaten
and Tezcatlipoca is like ow fuck
but it's okay because then they rip that gator to shreds
and turn it into the world
yep
turns out the world is made up of balled up hateful crocodile mouths
which makes sense you see
because according to this myth
that is why the earth CONSTANTLY HUNGERS FOR BLOOD AND HEARTS
I didn't know that was a thing the earth did
but now that I know about the whole crocodile thing
I guess I can't see it any other way

so then after that comes the part we already heard about
with the numerous worlds getting blown up and shit
and then after that a lot of other stuff happens
like dudes show up with fire and corn and other nonsense
and then finally they get bored and they make the sun
which is yet another huge mass of dangerous stuff
and it is so dangerous
that the only way to jump-start it
is for all the gods to MURDER THEMSELVES AND THROW THEIR BODIES INTO IT
so yeah
all the gods are dead
they got eaten by a pissed off sun
and guess what else, guys
it looks like the sun ALSO hungers insatiably for blood and hearts
so uh
I hope you guys brought blood and hearts?

so the moral of the story
is if your whole world is made of furious crocodiles and the sun is a vampire
maybe you need a new religion

THE END

In Which The Color Of This Dude's Beard Is Not Actually Very Important

2011-11-17T22:41:00.000-08:00

Yes guys it is after midnight
but guess what
I party HARD
so it's still thursday in Ovidland
welcome to my world bitches
it is only slightly different from the world you are used to

anyway I owe today's myth to the deft suggestion of swashbucking demolitions expert
CARLOS Q EXPLOSIONS
(the Q is for QUEXPLOSIONS)
it is about proper hair care

So Bluebeard right?

Turns out this dude is not a pirate at all
he's just a really ugly dude
who thinks he's punk rock just cause he put some dye in his beard
what's more
this guy SUCKS at being married
he's gone through seven wives like rolls of 1-ply toilet paper
by which i mean they all died
for no reason anyone can fathom
smallpox or hockey lung or the kissing virus or something
and now he's coming up on number 8
but see here's the problem:
he's real ugly
we already covered this
but bluebeard has developed a foolproof strategy for picking up chicks
it is called being wealthy
so what he does is he just picks some chicks he's into
and invites them to a crazy week-long coke party at his beach house
and at the end of that week he can just marry whoever the fuck he wants

SO HE DOES
he marries this one chick
and her sister gets to come live in the palace too
it's awesome
and what makes it even more awesome
is after like a week of honeymooning
bluebeard is just like hey baby I'm going out of town for a while on business
here are all the keys to every room in my house
also my money vault and my gold hovercraft
have a party
have a thousand parties
but WHATEVER YOU DO
don't use this key right here
see the one I'm pointing at?
this one
this one right here
don't use it to unlock the closet on the second floor in the ballroom
the one with the do not open sign and the picture of the angry skull and crossbones
got it?
great
so I'm just going to leave all those keys with you now
and nothing bad will happen at all
toodles

so he leaves
and his wife indeed throws all the parties
she is chucking shindigs harder than a coke-addicted discus thrower
she is hurling hootenanies out of the goddamn windows so hard they shatter
and the razor sharp soiree shards cause the guests countless lacerations
but it's okay
because they are pretty much just bleeding pure alcohol at that point anyway
but the whole time that these parties are going down
this chick can't stop thinking about that fucking shitty door
and finally she's just like ok whatever
I'm pretty fucked up right now and I can't be held responsible for what i do
and I mean
he GAVE me the fucking key
what the hell did he think was going to happen
so she opens up the door and goes inside and OH FUCK WHAT IS THIS
i'll tell you what it is
it is all of bluebeard's DEAD EX-WIVES
HE MURDERED THEM AND PUT THEM IN A CLOSET
AND KEPT THEM THERE FOR YEARS PROBABLY
THEY MUST BE GETTING PRETTY RIPE BY NOW
NOT THAT IT MATTERS
BECAUSE REALLY THE MAIN PROBLEM IS JUST THAT HE HAS A CLOSET FULL OF MURDER
I DON'T CARE HOW MINTY FRESH YOUR MURDERCLOSET SMELLS
IT IS STILL A GODDAMN MURDERCLOSET
THESE ARE WORDS TO LIVE BY

so obviously this chick just flips the fuck out
and in true horror movie fashion
she proceeds to drop the whole ring of keys and get it all covered in blood
and then she picks it up and GUESS WHAT
IT TURNS OUT THE KEY TO THIS ROOM WAS ENCHANTED
SO THAT BLOOD WILL NEVER WASH OUT OF IT
and let me just say
that that is a TERRIBLE enchantment to put on the key to your bloodroom
but in this case it turns out to be pretty shrewd
because when Bluebeard gets home like a day later
he's like WOMAN
WHY IS THERE BLOOD ON MY KEY
DID YOU GO INTO THE BLOOD ROOM
I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO INTO THE BLOOD ROOM
NOW I HAVE TO PUT YOU IN THE BLOOD ROOM AGAIN
ONLY THIS TIME
WITH MORE BLOOD
and she's like no wait
you can totally kill me for real
but just give me like 10 minutes of not dying
trust me it totally won't backfire at all
and Bluebeard is like well alright
(PS I just mistyped Bluebeard as Bluebear and I think it is much better that way)

so she runs upstairs and finds her sister
and she's like hey sister
yo sister
and her sister is like yeah?
and she's like look out the window for me real quick
tell me if our bros are coming
I totally sent them an email yesterday about how my husband is gonna kill me
but I didn't get a response so I dunno what's up
and her sister is like nope
all I see is some grass
and some dust
and some OH WAIT
no, sorry, just some sheep
and then instead of coming up with some other plan for not dying
the lazy twank just keeps sitting there asking her sister about the window
until finally bluebeard is like ALRIGHT HONEY
TIME TO DIE
and she's like NO NO GIMME LIKE 5 MORE SECONDS
and Bluebeard is like LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING WOMAN
MURDER DOES NOT HAVE A SNOOZE ALARM
and he's totally about to stab her face off
when all of a sudden her two radical bros bust down the door
they are a dragoon and like a space wizard or something
and they kill the hell out of bluebeard
and then his wife inherits all his stuff and uses it to buy a diamond horse
and also a husband for her sister and some sweet new wizard boots for her bros
so everyone is happy except for bluebeard
who is dead
but honestly I don't think that dude was ever happy

So the moral of the story
is that marrying dangerous psychopaths
is a great way to get rich quick

the end.

Good News/Bad News

2011-11-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

Okay so bad news first:

no myth today guys
I am sorry I am so sorry
if you could see me you would see that I am throwing myself against my hardwood floor
rending my breast and smearing my face with ash
my excuse is that last night I played a game of my own invention
called let's see how long I can not sleep so I can finish this short story for class
the good news is I won the game
but that is not the only good news my friends
no no no

see recently I have been laughing my fucking ass off
because all these people have been being like DUDE YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK
I WOULD TOTALLY BUY THAT BOOK
and the whole time people have been yelling that at me
I have totally been negotiating a book deal
with the ladies and dudes over at Perigee Books
and right now I am holding the contract in my hands
well I mean not right now right now because I need my hands to type
but the contract is definitely nearby
sometimes I look at it and I lick my lips

so here's how this is gonna go down
this book is gonna have approximately 75-80 of the choicest myths from this website,
digitaly remastered with my veteran typing fingers
plus like 25-30 brand new never before seen ultramyths
and also bonus content
in the form of a sweet funky index
Retellings of Joseph Campbell's "Hero with a Thousand Faces" and The Big Bang
and optimally rad illustrations by artiste extraordinaire Sarah Melville
who is the classy lady
who is responsible for anything on this website that doesn't look like utter shit

but one more thing
and I guess this kind of qualifies as bad news
cause see in order to have time to make this book and still do grad school and shit
I am going to be TEMPORARILY going from 3 updates a week down to 2
instead of being Tuesday Thursday Saturday like normal
it is going to be just Tuesday/Thursday
(this week it will be thursday saturday though because I wussed out today)
I am very very tired and I need a little bit of a break
at least as much of a break as a guy can take
while writing a book and going to grad school
but I assure you, ladies and gentlemen
this new wussified schedule will NOT LAST BEYOND APRIL 2012
which is when the manuscript is due
and maybe less time than that depending on my progress on the book
anyway yeah that's what's up
I figured i should give you guys a heads up
so that you could reschedule your entire lives around my new update schedule
so uh
get on that

PS you guys are pretty much the best ever
getting emails from you and reading comments and all that
and really just knowing that this wacky bullshit I spew is getting read
is responsible for like 80% of my daily value of sunshine and unicorn smiles
so basically thank you for putting up with me
there will be more boners and swears on Thursday I promise

Love,
Ovidius Publius Naso

Yes, They Have Lumberjacks in Vietnam

2011-11-12T18:38:00.000-08:00

Today's myth
goes out to the much-maligned sister
of notorious serial killer Kratos "The March Mangler" October
apparently said sister is having a birthday
and likes fucked up shit
so here is a story about the pharmaceutical industry

so this story is about a lumberjack
his name is cuoi
which is not a super badass name for a lumberjack
but we will let it slide
because the first thing that happens in this story
is Cuoi is wandering through the woods
and he kills FOUR LIONS
FOUR
THIS IS THE KIND OF BEHAVIOR YOU COME TO EXPECT FROM LUMBERJACKS
oh shit wait they're actually just cubs
NEVERMIND
way to go pusspants mcgee
way to kill babies with an axe

but Cuoi gets his comeuppance for this dickery
because suddenly HERE COMES MOMMA LION
like ROARR FUCK YOU
and Cuoi runs his ass up a tree and hides
so momma lion gets bored and kind of pokes her childrens' corpses a little bit
doesn't seem too upset
and then goes over to some weird bush
chews it up
and vomits it into all her kids' mouths
AND THEY PROCEED TO COME BACK TO LIFE

so Cuoi is up in his tree like SWEET WIGGITY WIZARDS
THAT MUST BE THE HERBAL TREE OF LIFE RESTORATION HEALING TREE
I'M RICH
and he waits for the momma lion to leave with her zombie kids
and then he jumps down and digs up the tree

but on his way home he trips over some dude's dead body
and he's like oh snap
what a perfect opportunity to use this tree I stole
so he chews up some leaves and vomits them into the old guy's mouth
and then the old guy wakes up like SHIT YESSSSS
I HAD NOT LIVED NEEDLESSLY LONG ENOUGH
THANK YOU SIR YOU ARE PRETTY COOL
OH WHAT IS THIS IS IT THE HERBAL TREE OF LIFE HERBS RESTORATIVE LIFE LIFE HEALING?
DUDE YOU ARE A PRETTY LUCKY GUY
JUST MAKE SURE NOT TO WATER IT WITH DIRTY WATER
OR IT WILL BLAST OFF INTO SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE
and Cuoi is like okay crazy old dude
that sounds just about as reasonable as everything else

so Cuoi gets home
plants his tree
waters it with crystal clear spring water
and becomes INSTANTLY FAMOUS
i mean he is a dude who owns a tree that is basically a big leafy wang
dangling in the face of death
repeatedly slapping death's nose and then jiggling a little
word is bound to get around
and things are going pretty well for Cuoi
he resurrects a dog
and boom
free dog
he resurrects a chick
and boom
free wife
Cuoi's circle of friends
is limited only by the number of bodies he can dig up at the local mortuary

but then shit turns sour
and not in the way you are probably thinking
no, the world does not become overrun with old dudes who refuse to die
like in that Kurt Vonnegut story
where they all live in these tiny apartment complexes and I think eat each other
No instead what happens
is it turns out that that free wife Cuoi got hooked up with
actually already had a whole buttload of wealthy suitors
and they are a little miffed that Cuoi has suddenly stolen their prized booty
so what they do is they wait til Cuoi is out in the woods
and they all ambush his wife like HEY GURL WE GOT RICHES BUT WE ARE LACKING BITCHES
PERHAPS YOU COULD RECTIFY THIS DEFECIT
and Cuoi's wife is like ew no guys
go away
so they kill her
OBVIOUSLY
THAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN PEOPLE DON'T WANNA MARRY YOU
this kind of begs the question
in a world where anyone who dies can be immediately revived with tree shit
does murder suddenly become less of a thing?
is it the kind of thing where like
somebody beats you at chess
or gives you incorrect change at 7-11
and suddenly it is blood city and you are the mayor
yes
I think that is exactly what it's like

but so anyway these dudes get done killing this chick and they're like oh shit
we just killed the wife of the guy who can RESURRECT PEOPLE
we have effectively accomplished NOTHING AT ALL
but wait
what if we just sort of
sprinkle her intestines everywhere
make a scavenger hunt out of her internal organs
no way can she get revived without all those things
ULTIMATE SUCCESS

so these jerks leave the wife's disembowelled body by the river
and they all go home
and then Cuoi shows up like oh hey my wife's dead
guess I better just revive WHERE THE FUCK ARE HER ORGANS
DAMMIT WOMAN WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT KEEPING YOUR ORGANS INSIDE YOUR BODY
THIS IS A DISASTER
but actually it's okay
because his dog is like hey Cuoi you should totally disembowel me
and use my crazy dog organs to revive your wife
except dogs can't talk
so really what the dog said was WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF
and Cuoi was like KILL YOU AND USE YOUR ORGANS YOU SAY?
DON'T MIND IF I DO
and then he cuts open his dog and stuffs its lungs inside his dead wife

so then his wife comes back to life
apparently the tree cannot tell the difference between dog lungs and human lungs
and then Cuoi feels bad about the whole dog thing
so he makes some replacement dog lungs out of clay
and stuffs them in his dog
and APPARENTLY THAT WORKS
so now Cuoi is surrounded by a shambling charnel-house
that vaguely resembles his loved ones
and he's like SWEET
PROBLEM SOLVED FOREVER

except no
problem not solved at all
because it turns out that a chest full of dog lungs
makes you terminally unable to follow directions
case in point:
Cuoi keeps telling his wife that if she needs to take a piss
she should do it on the west side of the house
as far away from the magic tree as possible
the magic tree that is not supposed to be watered with dirty water
and which has resurrected this woman not once but TWO FUCKING TIMES
and what does she do?
she goes over to the east side of the house
pops a suat
and PISSES DIRECTLY ON THE HERBAL TREE OF TREE HERBS HEALTH HEALING RESURRECTION HERB

so Cuoi is inside the house
doing whatever it is lumberjacks do when they're not jacking lumber
and suddenly there's this HUGE EARTHQUAKE
and he runs outside to find ALL HIS PLANTS BLASTING OFF INTO SPACE
and his wife is standing with her pants around her ankles looking FURIOUS
and Cuoi is like WOMAN I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOUR FURY I HAVE A TREE TO CATCH
and he runs up to the tree
which is just now exploding out of the garden
and he hooks his axe to it
and just flies STRAIGHT TO THE GODDAMN MOON
and I guess he's still there
you can see him if you squint
and apparently one leaf falls off that tree towards earth every year
but it always either gets burned up in the atmosphere or stolen by dolphins
because I sure as shit haven't seen any immortality leaves around lately

so the moral of the story
is don't put a dog in your wife
or you wife will put you in the dog house
ha HA

the end.

Durga = Voltron

2011-11-10T20:34:00.000-08:00

Okay so check it out

back in india land back in the day
there was this bigass demon called Mahish
he is a buffalo demon
which is apparently a pretty potent kind of demon
because he is invincible
and he has an army of like a million other demons
I had no idea
although I guess that explains why buffalo wings are SO GODDAMN delicious

but so all the gods are pretty upset about this
because you gotta understand guys
demons are to the hindu gods
as giants are to the norse
they simply cannot abide all these demons up in here
it is like how you feel when you have ants in your house
except the ants are as big as you and they shoot fire out of their eyes
it is actually pretty easy to sympathize with these hindu gods

but so like I said Mahish is impossible to kill
so the gods are like oh shit what do we do
and then Shiva is like whoa whoa whoa i have a great idea
how about we all put our heads together and beat this thing
and the other gods are like that's what we're doing already
and shiva is like no dude
like actually put our heads together
like cut our heads off and fucking glue them to each other
make a big boomerang out of heads
and just throw it at him and we can yell insults at the same time
and everyone is like okay
while that sounds like a great idea
maybe we should try to use parts of our bodies other than our heads
so what they do
is they take six of Vishnu's arms
glue them to two of Brahma's feet
and staple that octo-nonsense to SHIVA'S FACE
and the resulting Megazord of Ultimate Badassery
is named Durga
which means
INVINCIBLE

so durga floats on down from space
or wherever it is that gods live
let's call it space
and she lands right in front of Bison Oshaugnessy
and his army of demon hipster chicks
and she's like hey Bison
what's good
you should take stock now of what is good
because soon
nothing will be good
nothing at all
and the Bison is like OH YEAH?
BITCH I AM INVINCIBLE
HAVEN'T YOU HEARD
I AM SO INVINCIBLE
THAT I WENT TO A COMEDY CLUB
TALKED FOR THIRTY MINUTES ABOUT MY CAT
AND I COULDN'T EVEN DIE ON STAGE
and durga is like uh
you keep tootin' your demon horn over there bison buddy
I'm gonna go grab a glass of milk and you can call me when you're done
oh are you done?
okay well uh
BITCH YOU CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO ACTIVATE THE NEURONS
NECESSARY TO COMMUNICATE TO YOUR LEG-MUSCLES
THAT THEY MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER
THE PREPARATORY STAGES
OF ATTEMPTING
TO STEP TO ME
OH LOOK AT YOU
ALL INVINCIBLE AND SHIT
SON WHILE YOU WERE BUSY APPENDING INVINCIBILITY TO YOURSELF AS A FUCKING ADJECTIVE
I WENT AHEAD AND MADE IT A PROPER NOUN
AND THEN USED IT AS MY
GOD
DAMN
NAME
WHAT NOW
COME ON
WHAT
and Mahish doesn't say shit
because just looking at all of durga's arms gave him an aneurism and he died

so the moral of the story
is that two heads are better than one
especially when those two heads are welded to a whole bunch of pissed-off arms

The end.

RAPEHAZARD

2011-11-07T22:58:00.000-08:00

Now I know what you are thinking guys
and no
rapehazard is not the name of my new sludgecore speed metal band
it is the name of this post
because this post is about a rape hazard

okay so there's this dude Aesacus
he's kind of a hermit sort of
except his beard is not long enough
he is pretty young and his mom is a nymph
and also he is bros with Hector from the Iliad
so he is not really very much like a hermit at all
more like a feral fairy forest dude
who hangs out in the forest all the time gettin' his lonely on

but apparently this particular forest is a pretty hip spot
because lately Aesacus has been catching glimpses of this MECHA HOT-CHICK
named Hesperia
I thought this myth was going to have something to do
with the golden apples of the Hesperides
but boy what I wrong
and if you thought that
you were also wrong
what
did you think you were special
did you think you got to just believe wrong things and have them not be wrong things?
just because it was you who believed them
and you live in some kind of magic fairy bullshit castle
where you can tell no lies and the prince shits candy rainbows from his truth pony?
think again asshole
or maybe actually don't think again
you might think more wrong things

ANYWAY
Aesacus catches perhaps one too many glimpses of Hesperia gettin' all bathey
which causes him to morph into TURBO RAPE BATTLE ACTION AESACUS
WITH EXTENDING PENIS
and he comes charging out of the underbrush like SEXXXXX PLEEEEEEASEEEEEE
and Hesperia is like aw hell no
and starts running
and Aesacus starts chasing
and she's running and he's chasing and then OW
BAM
WHAT THE FUCK
SNAKES
and then Hesperia dies
and Aesacus is like oh nooooo
I am not kinky enough for necrophilia
the only way to salvage this
is if I die too
cause it's not necrophilia if you're both dead
so rather than finding another snake he jumps off the nearest cliff
but then on his way down one of them pesky sea nymphs named Tethys
is like aw hell no that's nasty
and she turns him into a seagull instead
and Aesacus is like FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK
and spends the rest of forever dive-bombing the ocean
trying as hard as he can to drown himself
so that's why seagulls are dumb in that particular way

so the moral of the story
is when it comes to forest sex
always bring protection
and also antivenom

THE END