Sadly, I have to agree with Ron Artest
* Apparently somewhere, sometime in the not-so-distant past, Doc Rivers said that the Lakers have never beaten the Celtics starting five. I heard that and was surprised that Doc would go there. I suppose technically he’s right, but the statement is neither here nor there and certainly doesn’t diminish the Lakers’ accomplishments. Anyway, Ron Artest took umbrage and spouted off about Doc on his Twitter feed. Sadly, I have to agree with him. Damn you Doc, don’t put me in this position!

Rondo’s convenient ‘family problems’
* Here is the order of events: Rondo gets a DNP-CD, Rondo remarks that he’ll probably be the final Team USA cut, Rondo withdraws from Team USA because of ‘family problems’. Fishy timing. But oh well, selfishly I’m glad he got cut/quit because this way he’ll be more rested for the upcoming season. Though technically speaking if they do what they did last year, they’ll rest all season anyway. Bah dump dump *cymbols* thank you, I’ll be here all week, don’t forget to tip the waitstaff…

OH MY GAWD, THAT’S A FOUL!!!!
* Happy birthday, Tommy Heinsohn! Damn it, I miss Tommy. Could the off-season end already, please? I’m bored and reduced to watching dogcrap TV like Dark Blue on TNT. *shiver* It’s not right. [Update: A little Twitter birdy informs that it is also Stan Van Gundy's birthday today too. Someone giftwrap that man a three-quarter sleeve black crewneck, stat!]

I’m sure it was just a little ‘love squeeze’
* So, a couple days ago I read that the Nuggets are trying to move J.R. Smith. Blasphemy! Then the next day, I heard that he kinda, sorta, might have… choked someone a little. Oopsy. Tsk tsk. Oh J.R., people already question my integrity for loving you so much. Why you gotta go Sprewell some dude? Behave! Sigh.

Looks like Jesus, acts like…
* The Tigers placed Johnny Traitorface Damon on waivers and the Red Sox claimed him, so for a day or so my local radio was bloated with “Johnny’s coming back, baby!” talk. I didn’t think it would actually happen, but it was amusing to think about. He blocked the potential shenanigans with his no-trade clause claiming that he just loves Detroit like a long lost play cousin. Yeah, riiiiight.

Woooooow
* Damn, why did I wait so long to watch the Glen Davis “Dougie” video? It’s ah-may-ZING-ly hypnotizing. *holding up a lighter, swaying side to side*

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before
* Brett Favre is retiring, peeps! Yank, yank… There’s a reason I have a blog category called “retire already” and that’s because Brett Favre should just shut his yap and retire already. Or not. I don’t give a shit anymore.

The Big Chowderhead to sign with Boston?
* Scuttlebutt says the Big Shamrechaun (what happens when you throw Shamrock and Leprechaun into the Bennifer nickname generator) will sign with Boston on a 2-year deal. I don’t think it’s a bad signing, but it will definitely be weird as hell seeing Shaq in green. He was a Laker for pete’s sake. Is this even legal? Hurry back, Perk! (It will be funny to see Shaq Daddy & Baby Shaq playing together though…)

LeBron continues to prove he’s a classy bastard
* Took my car into the shop this morning and spent a good half hour trying to get enough signal strength to read my Twitter feed and when I finally get it to load, what do I see? ‘LeBron’s thanks Akron, not Cleveland, in ad’. Wow. Just when you think LeBron is done making senseless PR gaffes, he proves he’s not finished, not by a long shot. He’s like a walking, talking cliche from that old Chris Rock skit… “Terry Armstrong’s gonna do, what Terry Armstrong’s gonna do.” LRMR is supposed to be a brand management company, no? Did they get their marketing degrees off of the inside of matchbook covers?

I re-tweet Big Baby way too much on Twitter, but I can’t help it. He just cracks me up.

The wedding cake included layers of chocolate, coconut and red velvet, and the bride and groom’s first dance was to R. Kelly’s “You Made Me Love You.”

That cake sounds YUMMY!

Source: KansasCity.com – Paul Pierce gets married

The Orlando Magic matched an offer sheet for J.J.’s services from the Chicago Bulls. The Orlando Sentinel posted this gem last Friday:

J.J. Redick and his new bride have been honeymooning in Spain, where the running of the bulls was just completed in Pamplona.

One thing’s for certain: Redick won’t be running to the Chicago Bulls.

The Orlando Magic announced on Friday that they had matched the Bulls’ 3-year, $19 million offer sheet for the restricted free-agent shooting guard.

Ha. Love you Orlando Sentinel but, “Redick won’t be running to the Chicago Bulls“? Good grief.

Anyway, congrats to J.J. for proving the “he’ll never make it in the NBA, because he can’t defend” doubters wrong. I always knew they were full of shit.

Not sure what LeBron is going for lately with the beard either. *shiver* Click through the pic if you want to see the original post — and if you like Arbor Mist.

http://www.nba.com/live1/

8:52pm – Some douchebag DJ is running around the stage screaming at the fans to make sure they cheer loud enough for the God’s Gifts to Basketball when they come out. Reminding me a little of someone who once screamed at the fans to show him their ones *cough Starbury cough*.

8:55pm – Back to the Summer of 2010 logo and we’re listening to Black Eyed Peas. Fuck you, NBA.

8:58pm – Gordon Gekko is in da building! (They showed Arison and Spoelstra too, but who really cares about them.)

9:00pm – Aaaaand, back to the spinning Summer of 2010 logo.

9:01pm – Ok, crowd footage again and they fired up the AC/DC (You Shook Me All Night Long)…. HAHAHAHA! I knew they were taking a page out of the Iron Man 2 handbook.

9:04pm – Bron highlights, followed by Bosh highlights, followed by Wade highlights

9:05pm – Holy fucking hell…

Soundtrack: Simon Says (Get The Fuck Up)

Soundtrack: How you like me now?

9:13pm – Keys to the city presentation

9:15pm – Beat L.A. chants start. HAHAHA.

9:17pm – LeBron is asked how it feels to be wearing a Heat uniform. LeBron (after soaking up the cheers from the crowd): It feels right.

9:19pm – Host: It’s Wade’s HOUSE, LeBron’s KINGDOM and Bosh’s PIT, baby! [...]  This is a solid gold trio, baby!

9:22pm – Host asks the guys to speak a little Spanish for the fans and it’s giggles all around.

9:25pm – Host: We also know.. you three Kings came down here to win championships. LeBron pipes up and promises they’re going to win approximately 6 bazillion championships. Wade says they’re arguably the best trio ever. (Uh yes, we can argue that one. Every other legitimate best trio ever just rolled over in their graves.)

Bron might be a little giddy, eh?

9:28pm – Bosh yammers on about winning, etc.. but who cares what he says.

9:30pm – Cue the confetti, smoke, handshakes with the DJ and that’s a wrap….

Soundtrack: I Gotta Feeling

10:22pm – Press conference finally starts.

10:24pm – LeBron is asked about reaction to Gilbert’s letter. He says he has no reaction and that Gilbert’s words don’t stop him from sleeping at night and make him more powerful.

10:28pm – (LeBron) Said Riley influenced him because the organization is a family… And that the idea of “us all-stars, us superstars – teaming up” was a draw.

10:31pm – They’re asked how much they signed for. LeBron insists that what they signed for is not important.

10:32pm – Wade is asked about Haslem. Says he wants him back.

10:33pm – Technical failure.

10:36pm – LeBron’s talking about how successful they’re all going to be now because they won’t have the pressure of having to take and make every shot every night.

10:38pm – Bosh discusses embracing social media and having fun with it because at the end of the day they’re just playing basketball.

10:39pm – Wade talks about the criticism they’re getting for joining up in their prime (LeBron cut in and said they’re getting criticized no matter what they do.)

10:40pm – Technical failure again.

(Switched from NBA.com to ESPN News)

10:48pm – LeBron addresses haters Stan Van Gundy, Otis Smith, Joakim Noah, etc. and being called “Team Hollywood.” Basically says he’ll deal with them in due time. “I’m gonna have a lot of stuff in my locker… It’s on.”

10:49pm – D-Wade says, “We’re competitive. Bring it on.”

10:50pm – Bosh says, “I like Hollywood.”

10:51pm – On who’s taking the last shot. Wade: “Coach. Coach is making that decision.” And says that it might not be Six, Three, One taking that shot. It might be someone else.

10:55pm – LeBron recounts again his mother telling him it was ok to go to Miami. Said he felt comfortable once she gave him the green light. (I guess you can blame Gloria, Cleveland) Said after reading his former owner’s comments, that he knew made the right decision.

(NBA.com is still showing color bars and ESPN News cut away from the presser. So, I guess I’m done too. All in all, this wasn’t nearly as fun to cover as the Marburython. LeBron isn’t even close to being as interesting as Stephon Marbury. THEY TRIED TO PUT ME IN A BOX! Sigh… Those were the days.)

ps. If you missed the intro, I uploaded it to YouTube (low res):

Nah, just kidding. That attention whore is getting enough press.

Let’s enjoy this beautiful picture of James Posey circa 2008 instead…

Shwing!

ps. I can’t decide who’s the bigger douchebag this free agency between LeBron and Bosh. I guess it’s probably the guy that’s dedicating an hour-long special to himself, but Bosh is running a very close second. Lame. That’s the best description of him to me. Lame. Like the geek hanging around the popular kids who can’t help calling attention to it… “Look everyone, I’m popular! Can you believe I’m so popular? My phone is blowing up! Because I’m popular! Look! Look! Look!”

Sigh… I wish I wasn’t compelled to look.