New Jersey Family Law Firm

What Children of Divorce Wish Their Parents Knew

Sylvia S. Costantino Esq LLC — Thu, 04 Jul 2024 15:11:55 +0000

Some married couples believe that staying together for the children is the best thing for them. In fact, when it comes to women getting divorced, this seems to be the number one reason they give for staying in a broken marriage. However, the reality is that this might be more damaging to the children than the divorce itself. So if you staying in a failed marriage, then consider the following:

Constant arguing in the household or even stony silence between parents is more harmful than the divorce itself. Most children will come forward after their parents’ divorce and reveal that they are actually relieved by the divorce. Fighting in front of your children has harmful and lasting effects. When you are in the midst of fighting with your spouse, take yourself out of the “ring” and actually focus on your child’s reaction to what is going on. Is this what you want your children to think is normal in a relationship? Remember, parents set the greatest example for their children and the relationships they form later in life. It is up to you to be cognizant of this at all times during your divorce.

Children are more intuitive than you probably give them credit for. They may not articulate like an adult, but rest assured that your pain and unhappiness are impacting them in a big way both before during, and after your divorce. Do not try and hide what is going on because chances are they know something is wrong and life at home is not normal. Be honest with your children but speak to them on an age-appropriate level. They appreciate straightforward answers when questions are asked. There are many books out there worth reading that address how children interpret and articulate at different stages of their lives.

Even if your child expresses that they are siding with you in the divorce, know that deep down they do not want to feel like the middleman or as ammunition. Bottom line, this is something you should never do. They do not want to take sides or gather information about your spouse at your request. In fact, some divorcing parents take this so far as to engage in outright “parental alienation.” Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Would you want this done to you?

Another big misconception is that you can buy your child’s affection during divorce. Although all children love gifts, if you overdo it especially when there is no special occasion or reason to warrant the gift, it will undoubtedly make them feel uncomfortable. Without a doubt, they will sense the real motivation behind your actions. Don’t fall prey to this common pitfall.

Lastly, keep in mind that children need time to heal just as much as you do. Life after divorce is an adjustment for them just as much as it is for you. Two homes and two different lifestyles mean that children will need time to acclimate and figure it all out at their own speed. Do not rush the process and engage a child therapist to help if necessary.

After the divorce is all said and done, realize that this is a chance for you to become even closer with your children. Always put them first, just like you did during happier times. In the end, the transition will go smoother than you may think.

At the Law Offices of Sylvia S. Costantino, Esq., we are not just divorce lawyers, we care about your family and how the divorce will affect you and them. In an industry where empathy may seem like a thing of the past, we want you to know that we care about you and your family. Let us help lead you through this process. Give us a call today at 732 741 2600 or find us online at ssc@nifamilylawdivorce.com.

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Understanding the Basics of Custody Neutral Assessments

Sylvia S. Costantino Esq LLC — Thu, 04 Jul 2024 07:18:38 +0000

Sometimes parents are unable to resolve their custody and parenting time disputes without assistance. This may be due to substance abuse, domestic violence or even parental alienation, but sometimes it can be for a myriad of other reasons such as failure to effectively communicate or co-parent with one another. However, before your case breaks down to the point where a trial may be necessary, it is important to do everything you can to try to resolve these important issues by turning to mental health professionals who are trained to assist in such matters.

The first step in any dispute over custody and parenting time is for the litigants to be referred to the Custody and Parenting Time Mediation program at the courthouse. If this process fails, the Court may then refer the parents to the Custody Neutral Assessment Program.

A Custody Neutral Assessment, often referred to as a “CNA”, serves a very particular purpose and is a type of alternative dispute resolution method available at a minimal cost compared to a full custody evaluation. The CNA was created to assist litigants in gaining insights into important child-related issues that they are unable to resolve between them. The CNA also helps inform the court on these issues as well.

It is important to distinguish a CNA from a comprehensive custody evaluation. With a CNA, there is no psychological testing, and after one or two meetings with the litigants and likely the child, the mental health professional will simply provide a written recitation of his/ her concerns and those of the litigants to the court. The CNA is meant to provide a “snapshot” of the issues and concerns and does not typically result in a definitive recommendation to the court. However, this “snapshot” can be helpful to the court in determining the issues or identifying what else is needed to move the case along.

A CNA may recommend to the court that various other steps be taken, i.e. a full custody evaluation, a psychological evaluation of one or both parties, the appointment of a parenting coordinator, anger management therapy, etc. A CNA can also state that a full custody evaluation be performed.

A custody evaluation is done by a forensic psychologist who has specialized training. This is a much more lengthy and expensive process and requires several hours of each parent meeting with the psychologist, including the children. With a full custody evaluation, there is psychological testing done on both parties, documents are submitted, and several hours of interviews of the parties with the evaluator. The evaluator will also likely speak to collateral sources, such as a marriage counselor, grandparent, etc. A litigant will be asked to sign a release for the evaluator to speak to a collateral source such as a doctor or therapist, as those communications are privileged. The full custody evaluation report is usually very comprehensive and will in most cases result in a recommendation on custody and parenting time. After all, with the full evaluation, the objective is to ascertain which parent should have custody (and given recommendations o n parenting time).

When trying to decide whether to seek a CNA or engage in a full evaluation, consider that the CNA is the more cost-effective option that may provide valuable insights in your case that can lead to a settlement in a much more expedient manner. There are some cases that cannot be resolved without a full custody and parenting time evaluation, however, the benefits of a CNA should not be overlooked as the first step before embarking on further evaluation.

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MyFriend Told Me That When She Got Divorced…

Sylvia S. Costantino Esq LLC — Thu, 04 Jul 2024 06:55:02 +0000

When a divorce attorney hears these words from a client, it is sure to raise a concern. If you have a friend who previously went through a New Jersey divorce, then naturally they may want to give you the benefit of their experience. It is completely understandable to want to bond with someone who has already gone through a divorce to try and gain insight into what is an inherently difficult and painful process. Yet, divorce attorney Sylvia S. Costantino, Esq. cautions that this kind of advice, while well-intended, may serve to confuse, cause unrealistic expectations, or is likely to be incorrect from a legal standpoint. When listening to advice from someone who has already gone through a divorce, it is vitally important to keep the proper perspective.

Keep in mind that the facts of your friend’s case are naturally different from the facts in your case. Every family law case is unique and this will have a dramatic impact on possible outcomes. For example, it may be that your friend and her ex-spouse share physical and legal custody of their children, whereas this arrangement may not be right for your case given domestic violence, a substance abuse issue, etc. Moreover, the finances of each family are also unique and the alimony amount and term that resulted in your friend’s case may not be achievable in yours regardless of whether the families’ incomes were similar.

Your case will have a beginning and an end. What happens in between to achieve your desired goal requires a strategy on the part of both you and your family law attorney. The strategy that your friend or their attorney used, may not work in your case for a myriad of reasons including the fact that your friend (in most instances) is not an attorney, the personalities of all involved are different, and again the facts are different. In fact, trying to inject what your friend told you is an effective strategy can have the opposite effect in you.

Remember, you retained a divorce attorney to guide you and give you advice. You should take advantage of their expertise and experience. If you have questions, you should ask your attorney and get the answers you need. If you want to articulate a different goal for your case at any time during the process, then you should meet with your attorney to make sure that you are both on the same page.

The attorneys at the Law Offices of Sylvia S. Costantino are experienced and knowledgeable in New Jersey family law and can advise you on what is and is not likely possible in your case based on your unique set of facts and family law. We understand how important your case is to you and your family and we are here to help.

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Five Things You Can Do Right Now To Speed Up Your Divorce

Sylvia S. Costantino Esq LLC — Thu, 04 Jul 2024 06:09:32 +0000

Often I am asked how a litigant can speed up their divorce. Tensions and emotions mount as a case drags on and there seems to be no end in sight. Understand that the divorce process is just that – a “process.” It is not a free-for-all but rather is controlled by rules and directives to facilitate the heavy volume of cases that continuously flow through the court.

Once a divorce complaint is filed and the other party responds and joins the case, the case is essentially on the court’s radar and you are now in the “process.” Each case is placed on a track, i.e. standard, complex, etc., and discovery deadlines are set. During the process, the parties will be ordered to attend certain alternative dispute resolution events to assist them in reaching a settlement. Essentially, litigants are subject to the process only for so long as they cannot agree. It’s really that simple. Here are my top five tips to help you get to the finish line sooner.

Stop Being Unreasonable: Yes, I said it. The biggest hindrance in any divorce
is because one or both litigants is being unreasonable. Listen to your attorney. While you may have never been through the divorce process before, they have! Divorce attorneys live this process day in and day out. They know what works and what does not. If they tell you that you are being unreasonable, you should be guided by their advice.
Ask for a Four-Way Conference: The four-way is a very useful settlement tool even if a couple of these meetings wind up being like The Jerry Springer Show. Air it out so that you can reach the middle ground, settle your issues, and move on.
Compromise: Make a list of what you can live with and what you cannot. Make sure for that for every “want” you write down a”want not.” Then when you feel yourself digging your heels in, go back and reevaluate your list.
Talk to Your Spouse: Why should you? Because if you don’t, then your lives will be decided by a Judge. Enough said on that point. Remember that you once cared enough about one other to make a life together. Put your emotions in a box and shelve them long enough to unravel the economic and non-economic aspects of your marriage.
Go to Individual Counseling: I cannot stress this point enough. We are flawed beings and can stand to fix a few things about ourselves. There’s a lot to be said about self-examination. Let a professional help you own your part in the demise of your marriage and how to cope with your circumstances post-divorce.

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Words From Counsel Focus On Family Law Part Four

Sylvia S. Costantino Esq LLC — Wed, 03 Jul 2024 19:44:50 +0000

Time and again I see litigants, often women, who feel manipulated and controlled by their spouse, whether financially emotionally, or both. There may be outright domestic violence in the home, but sometimes there is a subtle form of psychological abuse going on that does the most damage. Some of these women have not worked in over a decade, and instead gave up a career to devote themselves to raising children. Most have no college education and the technologiy-of-today has passed them by. Faced with the end of their marriage, these litigants are “frozen” and afraid to move on because of lack of financial security, low self-esteem, or just no marketable skills with which to seek employment. however, as a divorce attorney, I also see women who choose to stand up for themselves and refuse to be the victim of abuse any longer — even if it is that subtle form of control exerted over them on a daily basis. They may be afraid to get divorced, but they bravely take that first step towards remaking their lives and moving forward. They seek out education and job training to gain a foothold in the workplace. And for some, post-divorce will be the first time that they maintain an individual bank acount or even balance a checkbook. Regardless of where you start, know that divorce is not the end. As your divorce attorney, I will be there to help you make informed choices and get you through the process. Embrace this new beginning and the chance to make new and happy memories.

You never know how STRONG you are until being STRONG is the only choice you have.

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The Moment of Truth: Letting Your Spouse Know It’s Over

Sylvia S. Costantino Esq LLC — Wed, 03 Jul 2024 19:12:24 +0000

I once read that everyone knows the precise moment that their marriage is over. However, while some litigants may have an idea that their marriage is broken, not all believe their spouse would actually divorce them. Some litigants have come to see me absolutely devastated that their spouse had them served with divorce papers at work instead of telling them it was over to their face. When letting your spouse know the marriage is over, keep in mind that there is a human being on the other side of the equation. That human being deserves at least some measure of respect at the moment that you decide to break the awful nes to them. There is something to be said for acting responsibly when you utter the phrase, “I want a divorce,” Here are my top tips for dealing with the end of your marriage with integrity and respect:

Location, Location, Location: Never tell your spouse that you want a divorce in a public place or in front of you children. This is a private conversation between spouses, except if you decide to utilize a counselor or spiritual advisor to help break the news. When you look back later, you want to think of yourself as acting like a mature person who thought carefully about their choices. Not someone who thought humiliation or cruelness was the right way to go.

You Reap What You Sow: Always think about your end-game. If you have children together, do you really want to make your ex-spouse mortal enemy number one? The way you act as your marriage is ending sets the tone for the divorce litigation and post-judgment life afterwards. Be aware of the effect that your actions and words will have from the very moment that you tell your spouse it is over. Be tactful and do not deliberately try to hurt your spouse. The only thing you will get in return is retaliation in the form of scorched earth litigation. Are you looking for the “divorce from hell?”

Open Mouth, Insert Foot: Do not blurt out that you want a divorce in the middle of a heated argument. Think through what it is that you really want to say. When a person is angry, they tend to say whatever comes to mind without a filter. Plus, in a fit of anger, you may not consider separation or marriage counseling as other options. Remember, there are some words you cannot take bag. The big “D” is one of them.

Don’t Be and Island: When a marriage is over, it is likely that communication with your spouse is already poor and you may not feel like discussing divorce. Simply put, in your mind it’s not open to debate. If this is the case, it’s okay to say to your spouse, “I want a divorce.” However, you should be receptive to hearing what they have to say in return, even if it is to express sorrow or talk about it. This is the first step towards both parties getting closure.

In closing, we are all free individuals and can do as we please in most instances. However, as responsible adults, we must always be conscious of the fact that whatever action we take, it has a corresponding reaction. Getting divorced is never easy. Making it a more tolerable process for both you and your spouse is always an option within your reach and one that you will not regret. Please visit us in our new expanded location in Red Bank, where we are ready to answer all of your divorce questions and help you through this difficult time. Until next month… SSC

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What Every Divorce Needs: A Four-Way Conference

Sylvia S. Costantino Esq LLC — Wed, 03 Jul 2024 17:36:16 +0000

When done correctly, streamlining your divorce is possible; the way to do it is with a four-way conference. A four-way conference is a confidential meeting between two client and their attorneys. This should not be confused with traditional mediation which consists of a mediator and just you and your spouse. Without the party’s respective attorneys present, mediation sessions often turn into an endless loop of complaints, accusations, and Christmas wish-lists. Also, a mediator cannot offer legal advice or advocate for either side.

Why the Four-Way Conference is an Effective Tool

The four-way conference facilities negotiation of the particular issues in your case and is often the “wake-up call” that everyone needs. In addition, it injects a level of humanity, which is oftern absent in litigation when attorneys just communicate by one-dimensional letters and emails.

1. Identify and eliminate hot button issues that may keep your case from settling.

2. Put out fires before they accelerate and result in expensive motion practice

3. Assess the “players” in your case to aid in strategizing settlement

4. Zoom in on what the next steps should be, such as:

a. Retaining custody or other experts

b. Setting up a temporary parenting time schedule

c. Settling interim financial issues

d. Initiating co-parenting or other counseling

For a free 30-minute insightful and compassionate legal consultation on your family law matter, contact me today.

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Custody – Back to the Basics Part II

Sylvia S. Costantino Esq LLC — Wed, 03 Jul 2024 16:47:15 +0000

Last month, I gave you the custody basics in about 500 words, but every time this topic comes up, it strikes me what a complex subject area of family law it really is – not to mention fraught with gut-wrenching emotion for most divorcing parents. Recall that we broke down custody into two integral parts: legal custody (major decision-making) and physical custody (minor day-to-day decision-making). This month, let’s take that a few steps further.

While the legal aspect of custody is not the culprit in most disputes between parents, it is worth substantial consideration. In Beck v. Beck, 86 N.J. 480 (1981), our Supreme Court first expounded on joint legal custody, meaning that both parents have equal rights and responsibilities and share in the major decision-making. With joint legal custody, parents need to “isolate their personal conflicts from their roles as parents and that the children be spared whatever resentments and rancor the parents may harbor” Id. at 498. In Sum, parents need to communicate and cooperate when it comes to the health, safety, and welfare of a child. While the Court in Beck declined to create a legal presumption in favor of joint legal custody, it is nonetheless the public policy of this state. However, a court can decide against this if it finds that the parties cannot put aside their acrimony or animosity towards one another to focus on the best interest of the child.

Today, most divorced parents share joint legal custody, with one parent having physical custody for the majority of the time (we refer to this parent as the “Parent of Primary Residence” and the other parent as the “Parent of Alternate residence”). Lately, there seems to be a trend towards one parent vying for joint legal and physical custody, where the major and day-to-day decisions are shared and the child spends equal time (or close to it) with both parents on a continuous rotational schedule (i.e., four days with one parent and three with the other, or some other variation). Keep in mind, however, that joint legal and physical custody is not appropriate in every case and is still somewhat rare. First, I say this because there are some cases where joint legal custody is unworkable, meaning that the parents barely communicate with one another and cannot cooperate on child-related matters. Second, in most cases, practical problems abound. For instance, if one parent travels frequently or works long hours, this type of arrangement may not be appropriate. Similarly, if the parties live far apart, this could pose a problem, especially with regard to schooling. Another example is where a child has special needs and stability in their daily routine is paramount. Or sometimes it is just a fact that frequent shifting between two households is just too emotionally and physically difficult for a child. Quite simply, joint legal and physical custody must be workable, otherwise the “best interests of the child” is reduced to a meaningless phrase. We cannot lose sight of the fact that our perceived needs as parents in a divorce may not ultimately be best for the child.

Come in today for your in-depth legal consultation so that we can discuss the custody issues in your case and how to best proceed in your divorce.

Until next month…SSC

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New Jersey Custody – Back to the Basics

Sylvia S. Costantino Esq LLC — Wed, 03 Jul 2024 16:18:40 +0000

Custody disputes are hands-down the most emotionally charged and contentious of issues surrounding the breakup of a marriage. Custody is a complicated subject area that is often misunderstood. Out-of-date labels like “custodial parent” and “visitation” are used just as frequently as currently acceptable terms such as “parenting time” or “parent of primary residence.” No wonder few litigants really understand what it all means. This can lead to a costly custody evaluation and parents engaging in an emotional tug-of-war over their children. Far too often, we see custody used as a bargaining chip in a divorce – like it’s something to be won or lost. Do we ever stop to consider that innocent children are caught in the middle of the custody maelstrom, with the only outcome being one that is decided for them?

In the first of a to-part series on custody, we go back to the basics. In New Jersey, there are generally two types of custody. The first is legal custody, which is the major decision-making for the children’s health, education, and welfare. The public policy of this state favors a joint legal custody arrangement. Also, by statute, parents are deemed to have equal rights with the respect of their children, and frequent and continuing contact is to be encouraged. Even if one party is awarded sole custody, the other party still has a right to parenting time (unless that right is circumscribed by the court).

The second is physical custody, where one party may be designated as the Parent of Primary Residence (“PPR”) and the other as Parent of Alternate Residence (“PAR”). The children will attend school in the district in which the PPR lives. That parent will also make the minor day-to-day decisions for the children and is the parent with whom they live the majority of the time. Some typical day-to-day actions performed by the PPR consist of preparation of meals, grooming, dressing, bathing, cleaning, clothing, arranging social activities with peers, discipline, religious education, and attending to the children at night, etc. It goes without saying that most custody disputes center on physical custody. Moreover, the designation of one parent as PPR has many far-reaching implications in a custody dispute that you should be aware of – too many to cover in this short article.

Keep in mind that custody and parenting time are two different issues, even if they overlap in some respects. Think of custody as decision-making (or in finer terms, the responsibility and authority to maintain or care for the children) and parenting time as, well, just that: time lawfully spent with the children (which these days can even be done over the telephone). Most divorcing parents place such a premium on the amount of time they get to spend with their children that they confuse this with custodial rights. While perhaps that is human nature, it is nonetheless an incorrect interpretation of the law.

Next month, we will continue to cover the basics of custody and what I see as the emerging trend. Remember, it is normal to have questions and concerns over something as fundamental as the care and custody of your children. Come in today for an in-depth legal consultation so that we can discuss your particular custody issues.

Until next month…SSC

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Parenting Coordination

Sylvia S. Costantino Esq LLC — Wed, 03 Jul 2024 15:19:35 +0000

You are divorced, and the last thing you want to hear is that money and time need to be allocated to a Parent Coordinator. According to you, you know how to parent your children and do not need or want some stranger to tell you how to do it. If only your ex-spouse would see it your way. It is not difficult at all for this divorce attorney to understand that when the issue is parenting, the automatic defense mechanism goes up.

So what is Parenting Coordination and how can it help? Parenting Coordination is actually a child-focused Alternate Dispute Resolution process and is essentially utilized to create a “buffer” between you and the other parent. Simply put, the Parenting Coordinator helps to resolve conflicts related to parenting issues. Not only is the process likely to reduce overall litigation costs associated with filing repetitive motions, but it can quickly resolve those recurring day-to-day disputes that have a habit of turning into outright war.

Consider this. Do you and your ex-spouse argue incessantly about issues such as pick-up and drop-off for parenting time, disciplining the children, arrangements for healthcare reimbursement, or even about clothing, equipment, toys, and the children’s personal possessions? Another popular one is the children’s extracurricular activities. If this sounds like you and your ex-spouse, rest assured that you are not alone. Arguing about what should be minor parenting issues is frustrating, time-consuming, and takes a toll on the entire family. Instead of continuing to engage, a solution is at hand. Parenting Coordination can significantly reduce or eliminate this constant bickering altogether. Even more important is that it actually helps the children because it keeps them out of the never-ending back and forth.

A Parenting Coordinator can be appointed by the Court or agreed to by the parties. The parties each pay a portion of the Parenting Coordinator’s hourly fee. If a dispute arises, the Parenting Coordinator is contacted by one (or both) of the litigants. A Parenting Coordinator can issue written or oral recommendations, and contact any professional or other individual he/she deems necessary in order to carry out their duties. Moreover, it is advisable to pick a person who has the personality and skill set to effectively deal with both parties. The Parenting Coordinator’s role should be carefully defined in a Consent Order and a separate retainer agreement is required. Keep in mind that a Parenting Coordinator’s report (or recommendations) may be included in an application to the Court and may be admissible in evidence in court proceedings. Also, communications with the Parenting Coordinator are not confidential.

Somewhere along the way, most litigants who use a Parenting Coordinator learn to communicate better or start to employ some of the skills learned by engaging in the process itself. Come in for your free initial consultation so that we can discuss if a Parenting Coordinator can help in your situation and help get you on track towards conflict-free co-parenting.

Until next month…SSC

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