neurotic kitten

A cappella version of Dr Dre's bitches ain't shit

2009-01-24T13:03:00.002+00:00

This contains swears, is all wrong, etc... But still - amazing harmonies...

Incredible Arnold Schwartzenegger-themed heavy metal band

2009-01-18T16:15:00.002+00:00

Warning: contains swears, and scenes from Total Recall, of an **eye-watering nature**.

This band, Arnocorps, have singlehandedly created a new genre in 'Arno-Core', amazing!

Spotted by FilmDrunk - nice work lads!

I think I smell a Facebook rat, or why I now fear having trusted my personal details to the empire of a 21 year-old

2008-11-30T22:02:00.005+00:00

from:Facebook
to: me
29 Nov (1 day ago)

Unfortunately, the settings that control which email notifications get sent to you were lost. We're sorry for the inconvenience.

To reset your email notification settings, go to:

http://www.facebook.com/editaccount.php?notifications

Thanks,
The Facebook Team

Hmmm... Funny how all my email notification settings were on 'off', and are now set to 'on'. Is this just a desperate attempt by Zuckerberg & co to keep driving up page views? More of the fabled 'growth' he's constantly talking about...

Now I come to think about it, perhaps I shouldn't have uploaded all those photos of myself hepped up on catnip... Who knows where they might end up... Yipes!

Sasper: the homosexual ghost

2007-10-01T06:33:00.002+01:00

Is this offensive?

Passive-aggression, Bob Dylan-style

2007-09-22T07:03:00.000+01:00

The internet now enables us to message friends via Bob Dylan video - joy!

But just look what happens:

What brought on this barrage of bile? Could it be the equally disparaging Subterranean Homesick Bitch-out below?

Wasp watch with Bill Oddie

2007-09-21T06:09:00.000+01:00

The wasp is somewhere in the room.

I can't see him now, but I can smell him.

Leg stings. Wasp must pay.

UPDATE: Abandoning my plan to sever him with a kitchen knife, I slap him in the face with a rolled up copy of the Economist on the window.

Eat that, jumped-up leery caterpillaronwings

Feel the force of Capitalism, bitch.

Yeah - you like that? Yeah? You like that, huh? How d'you like this?

Natureredintoothandclaw 1 - me frikkin' 5, dude.

Leg still stings though.

Bastard arthropods.

Insomnia (part 2)

2007-09-21T05:52:00.001+01:00

As if it wasn't bad enough I just woke up at 4:30, an invisiblebastardshitting wasp just stung my leg.

Frikkin' selfish bastard.

Say what you like about bees, least they have the decency to top themselves when they strike.

And give a little back.

What's the major shitting wasp-y contribution to society?

Sod all, 'less you count stinging people at 4am.

Useless frikking variegatedparasiticscumbags. Wannabe caterpilla'

We need another 'Nam -

That'll thin out their numbers good and fast.

Oh wait...

A message of love to the makers of 'the Painted Veil'

2007-09-14T19:57:00.001+01:00

John Curran (direction) I love you.

Ron Nyswaner (writer) my beautiful namesake, I kiss you.

William Somerset Maugham (novel) I vicariously pat you on your semi-Victorian back.

Ed Norton and Naomi Watts (co-stars and producers) lets have a 3-way (Ed - I don't even care if we 'cross swords'.)

I'm not one for the whole repressedenglishremainsofthemerchantivory thing, but your film about cholerainchina really lights my ring.

And the climactic song? 'A la claire fontaine?' bootiful, I tells ya. Here - check this...

No wait, that's a bad example... Ah, what the hell, here it is in Chinese...

Damn internet.

(Buy 'the Painted Veil'.)

Topical Maladies: Insomnia

2007-09-13T04:21:00.001+01:00

Just read the time this was posted. Ouch.

I saw a recent article about an entire Venetian family afflicted by a genetic inability to sleep.

Too tired to read it though.

Stupidity is contagious

2007-09-09T10:57:00.001+01:00

Hmmm...

Just for the record, OPEC's members include Iran, Saudi Arabia, Angola and Nigeria. Something to aim for next year, certainly.

Dennis Madalone's America: We stand as one

2007-07-29T10:45:00.001+01:00

Awesome, awesome, awesome. U S A indeed...

An Ode to Fopp ('Fopp Flops')

2007-06-30T12:25:00.001+01:00

Musicchainofthegods Fopp is no more. Oh Fopp, with your evereverexpanding smorgasbord of
Cut price Tom Waits, Neil and the odd Zappa.

Your books I did enjoy (and the Tim Burton Oyster Boy children's book I did buy for a present 7 times.)

Many a pretentious art house effort I did purchase for a mere £5, and watch the extras anon, until those around me were bored enough to spit.

Oh Fopp - your newly developed megashopwithsubterraneancafeforgigsoppositescientologists

never more

The place off CharingX by the amusing t-shirts saying angelamaslutbovverediwanthatone where my cousin spent many a happy hour sucking and seeing

never more

Cockburn Street, Edinburgh - emoville, myfirstFopp

nevernevermore

The Ultimate Handshake

2007-06-28T20:32:00.002+01:00

Frikkin' genius...

Things to do when you're in a spiritual and existential funk

2007-06-24T16:00:00.001+01:00

I have noticed that our human brothers and sisters ('bristers') sometimes get a little manically 'depressed', a state in which they can no longer appreciate the endless wonder and joy of the world, and generally moan about shit like their godgivenrightogoodweather from the sky, or the parlous state of shittypriceylondontrains.

Note to humans: Shut your faces.

Think you know the unbearable shiteness of being?

Try being me - every meal is the frikking same, and then you have to take a dump in a plastic tub.

Since I'm such a felinephilanthromartyr however, I have compiled the following list, to lift the spirits of the spirituallynotsohomoerectus, so at least they'll shut up for five minutes about the state of the weather:

- Wonder at the lifetime of work Dr. Eduardo Gomez de Diego must have put into his 'Penis size per country' study. And rejoice that you were not present for the research period.

- If that fails, rampant materialism may purify your soul: buy some new suits, or some pettipants.

- Annoy those around you by repeatedly making citations from your canonical knowledge of atrocious teen comedies, typified by Van Wilder, Bad Girls, and most of all, Euro Trip (eg - you are on a train, passing through a tunnel, and you shout: "mi scusi! mi scusi!" - endless amusement! All around you will rejoice! And join in the funot for a moment turning to beat the shit out of you!)

- In a similar vein, start referring to your lover/partner/wife/hubby/sexslave to everyone you know as your 'consort'. See if that doesn't go down like a lead-coated zeppelin.

- Tell everyone you know that you think conversing on subjects so superficial as Bigoted Brother/Paris Hilton's incarceration due to delivery of room service while under the influence/President Lyndsey Lohan's war on terriers, and the clash of civiliverisation is

Jejeune if not disingenuous.

- Marvel at how everyone hates you now. Like, even more than before...

- Finally, indulge in a fruitless and ill-advised warofblogwords with someone you do not know and will never meet. Write regrettably poorly-phrased, poncepearlso'wisdom, such as

"What I'm trying to say is, judge not the individual involved in the 'occupancy', lest ye be..."

This could perhaps be the most worthwhile, important thing you ever do. Finally - now there's a thought to get shitupdepressed about...

When Cute Birthday Greetings Go Wrong (a tail of Catster Customer Service)

2007-06-17T14:50:00.001+01:00

Or, Catster customer service: terrific or terrifying?

Feline Facebook site Catster really takes care of you - witness the following exchange:

Email 1, from Catster:

Dear tikkles,

Meow meow!

We want to wish you a very Happy Birthday full of love and joy and purring. We are thrilled to be able to celebrate it with you!

tikkles will be profiled today with other birthday kitties on Catster's special Birthday Stroll.

Since it's your birthday we want to give you something special, so we have given you 25 Catster treats and one vote of 5 Paws! Catster loves you!

-catster-

Email 2, from the Owner:

Tikkles is dead. How could you be so heartless?

Email 3, from Catster:

Dear Owner,

So sorry to learn of your loss.

And we are doubly sorry to have upset you, however unintentional it may have been. The Birthday Greeting mails are generated from the information on the individual pet pages. Unless you update your departed pet's page to note they are no longer with us, the system will continue to celebrate the birthday which is part of their profile.

It may be that our way of categorizing pets which have passed away is on the subtle side, but we also didn't want to cause people to shy away from interacting with owners of deceased pets. For example, I lost my precious kitty six years ago, but his page is there as a source of comfort and he has some Catster friends, too.

You might want to consider adding a line to your cat's name field which everyone can read that says something to the effect of "Tickles No Longer With Us" or "Tickles in Memory" just to give a couple of suggestions I've seen used by other Catsters with deceased pets.

Again, we're so sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a beloved pet is so hard. And we are very, very sorry the Birthday Greeting e-mail upset you.

Thanks for loving Catster. We love you right back!

Meow!

-catster-

All hail the most amazing, and disturbing customer service online?

Robert Goulet Raps

2007-06-10T20:14:00.000+01:00

Contains swears and inappropriate language: what's rap coming to?

Goulet
Uploaded by countcockula

Party in Second Life, Y'all...

2007-06-03T18:27:00.002+01:00

Apparently no longer content with the wonders and joy of the Real World (the pre-Big Brother MTVrealityfest now in its 18th series) humans are looking to draw a line under their mistakes (war, exploitation, microwavable meals for 1) and start again online.

The following are the latest developments, from what has unfairly been dubbed 'Sadville', by those who have obviously never experienced the excellent nightlife and quality beach resorts SL has to offer:

"Woohoo! Partay! ... Did you see that? CfX123 just got her top off!"

Some interesting facts I have observed (i.e. - made up) about this intriguing, vibrant nonexistentnerdsparadise:

1) Despite major technological advantages over said 'realworld' such as the ability to teleport, the coffee in Second Life is still terrible.

2) Virtual sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise. The appearance of this problem coincided mysteriously with the arrival in SL of a virtual Ron Jeremy.

3) Second Life is big in Germany.

4) SL is not so edenic after all. That's ~~Germans~~ humans for you.

5) SL leads the way in humanfashionhairstyles. Top ~~fashion~~ web designers (the human fashionista a-list, as is my understanding) are agreed on this:

"These new extensions are just so me, don't you think baby?"

6) Top SL sculptor Starax4.0 returned to the real world in disgust in 2006, after his magnum opus, was shatonbeyondrepair by virtual pigeons. Virtual fowl such as Brian to this day deny responsibility for this heinous act of onlineartcriticism.

7) Transport for London has recreated the lookandfeel of the London public transport in Second Life with painstaking detail. Highlights include the thrilling 'bank holiday weekend' experience (no trains) and the scary nightbus extravaganza (get vomited on/knifed).

8) In Second Life, everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came. This is in stark contrast to the realworld, and London in particular:

"Hmm... I have lots of friends in the real world, but on SL everyone hates me. Could it be anything to do with these glasses?"

9) SL User Qwgwq69 became a dollar millionaire in the RealWorld™ in 2006, not through some brilliant yet highly fraudulent virtual pyramid scheme (taking place, perhaps, on Egyptian-themed SL island Nefertitties), but rather (boringly), through property development.

9) As if this wasn't all too much to take in already, there are many other pretenders to the crown of unrealonlineparadise. These include Entropia Universe, Dotsoul Cyberpark, Kaneva, and the particularly uninternetlike-sounding Red Light Center.

Are you a blogger? This is you

2007-05-29T21:33:00.002+01:00

Even if you have not attained the dizzy heights of blogdom depicted here, they can only be a matter of years, and plates of nachos away. Contains momentarily bizarre, inappropriate scenes of a websurfing nature:

Life of a Blogger
Uploaded by butternutjelly-com

Kyle Maclachlan's dog gets a wash

2007-05-28T12:07:00.002+01:00

From Twin Peaks, to Showgirls, to having your toypooch manhandled by Martha Stewart.

Andrew Keen Vs. the PKR.com poker forum

2007-05-23T21:50:00.001+01:00

The case the against internet, presented by Andrew Keen, and how it is destroying our culture is really quite seductive, but is it really so easy to make such sweeping bitchywebgeneralisations?

The following user comment, taken from Facebook,

"No, not in LDS anymore, gutted. Back in Derby, got my own place and making into the biggest pimp palace in the world at the mo. Got white leather chairs with very large plasma, porn!"

Really proves his point. Maybe the internet really is amateurubbishposingaspoisongasculture after all.

Once in a while, though, there's something, the like of which you'd never seen before: witness this, a thingofgreatbeautyofsorts in the least likely of places.

Thanks to Rusty for pointing me in the direction of the PKR forum.

7 things I didn't know about myself

2007-05-17T21:16:00.001+01:00

Cato (not to be confused with Kuato from Total Recall) said I had to write 7 lies about myself otherwise the endless 'memememememememe' chatter of cyberspace would grind to a halt, so here goes:

1) Some people sleepwalk. I sleepdie my hair every night. I am an uncannyclosetginger.

2) I am a star

-ving member of the barelyhalfreaL blogging community.

3) Once I drank someone's piss out of a frisbee. Ask not why I drank it, but rather what it was doing there to start with. (And if someone took a wazz in a frisbee in a forest, but no-one was there, would anybody care?)

4) The pristine streets of the internet are strewn with blogshit. Careful, you might slip up.

5) Sometimes I get amazing scoops, which no-one seems to give a shit about. Well, here's one I missed... remember Mark Oaten's 'unspeakable act' for which he gave up hopes of becoming Lib Dem leader? Not, as I assumed, involving sex with a harem of catnip-crazed, barely legal (male) cats, but rather pootomouth acts, giving new meaning to (and sounding a lot like) potty mouth.

6) Nasty. I wouldn't do that if you paid me.

Oh go on then. 5 dollar?

7) Er...

Aggressive News Sunday - John Sweeney Vs. Scientology etc.

2007-05-13T17:09:00.002+01:00

Sundays with humans are just too frikkin' relaxed and easy going. So much so, I fear you might all slip into a reassuring yet brain damaging gravycoma. So here's some newsaggression to angry up the blood - blogcaffeine for the hungovercollectivebloodymind:

1. John Sweeney Vs. Scientology

Let's face it, one BBC reporter against the faceless cult always had the JohnTravolta'sChin-shapedChips stacked against him:

His explanation of the shit he's been put through by the 'religion'. Given that Scientology seems to pin a great deal of evils, including the Holocaust (see above) on psychiatry, it's at least a safe bet to assume they won't be suggesting, like one of the commenters on the video, that Sweeney "see a therapist."

Isn't it comforting to know that Scientology is playing an active part in the whole web 2.0 community? Makes me feel warm and (my (w))hole again. No need for any web therapy here. No sir. You can have all my money though.

Arg. I need lightening up after that...

2. Geraldo Aggressivo Vs. Bill O'Reilly

Hmm... When Geraldo gets angry he reminds me of Ron Burgundy, plus they both ghave creative facial hair - just how did the godfather of modern news deal with news-related spats? - cockfight, anyone? Mine's a trident...

Social Networks - The Future

2007-05-10T19:52:00.001+01:00

As humans spend more and more time online with 'friends', what does the future hold?

2009 - Doctors recommend that all prescriptions are administered via Facebook.

2010 - PussyBook.com, a social networking site for felines, is launched. Users can be reunited with long lost buddies, keep in touch with absent pals, and piss like crazy on each others' virtual 'walls'*.

2011 - Bob Tarkanian, 27, of Walla Walla, WA's 'online footprint' grows so large that he is mistaken for big foot, hunted down by Canadian Mounted police and, well, mounted.

"You have been unsubscribed from this network, beeeeatch."

2012 - Users get understandably confused between Facebox, Facebook, Faceparty, and PartyHarty('Celebrate your life!'). Hundreds of users arrange to meet friends, going to the wrong sites, they are frustrated, and set fire to stuff. This leads to:

2013 - The Great Fire of the Internet. MySpace completely destroyed. 1000s of aspiring musicians see their delusions go up in flames and are forced into cursedshittywankydeskjobs. Forever.

All that remained of MySpace. It is said that 'Tom' secretly hated everyone.

2014 - The creators of the millionth social network receive a special free frikkinstupidpiece of digitised fruit or something which cost only $500 and was bought by an admirer/stalker on FaceFarty and is completely frikkin useless. Oh, and a poke.

2015 - Live 'shit on me' videocast, broadcast on Shitfaced.com, the social network for the perverted arts.
* Sadly, this is already a reality. I urge you not to visit Catster. Anyone on there is clearly a bit of a muppet.

The angriest cat in the world

2007-05-06T19:28:00.001+01:00

This is a real face-melter. A cat after my own heart.

Angry Cat
Uploaded by Mumuse

It's good to talk (to yourself)

2007-04-24T20:17:00.001+01:00

Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness. 99% of bloggers are talking to themselves.*

But who is the more clinically insane?

The person talking nonsense down the street toawire, safe in the knowledge they're having a conversation, not getting exposed to radiationviablootooth on the bus ("I'monthebus")?

Or the poor bastards who while away the hours on their own, typing, crrrreating, striking blogold while their nonexistentaudience don'thang on to their every word like a dirty great googlespider?
Should've thought about that a little more.

Clearly they are all nutjobs, or, to use the preferred term, they are Chicken Oriental.

The difference (it is clear to me know) is in how frikkin' annoying they are... The bloggers are the pleasantlyunobtrusivecrazees of humankind. Having said that, they're a bunch of tossers - just read this. The person who wrote this, though, is clearly a bit of a wanger.

As, I like to think in my greatest moments, am I.

* Not me though. Today I had 7 unique users. Oh yes. Cower before me, oh internet... I sit astride you, legs akimbo like a shitting-great nerdy Shelob.