Natasha On Life

I really just want to go...

2010-12-17T21:56:00.002-05:00

Writing this a bit distraught. Couldn't find a notebook. The computer's right here.

I feel trapped by this thing that I've created. This me. I say not to ever look back and I definitely can't do that. But I want to look away. I ask myself all the time how come my feelings are so deep for those and that which I love and how could I allow myself to be hurt by them. But how can I, how can we as people not allow ourselves to be hurt?

I really should probably find a notebook, because there's no way I could ever open up completely here. I'm rambling.

My health is failing and nobody knows. My hair is falling out. I won't go out because I feel ugly and my face is breaking out. I tell one symptom to anyone and they just say it's stress. I hope they are right.

I feel like I'm dying. People are dreaming death upon me. I know God well enough to know the devil and his ways, so I know this is just an attack by him on me and everything I care about. This is why I'm hurting.

I want to fall back from the world and fall into oblivion just for a little while and it angers me that my career and my role in the world are so deep into the public eye that there's no way that I can fall back without choosing to fail. And I can't fail.

People say take a break. Don't work so hard. Take time for myself. But how can I do these things that are so important and appropriate for my sanity without choosing to fail, especially when my workload averages 17 hours a day and counting.

I'm blessed. God has blessed me and this thing that I've created so abundantly that I feel guilty for even yearning to take a pause. I love life and now I'm afraid that it's coming to an end. I wonder what all these dreams mean. What is going on? Do I really want to even know? The answer is no. If I could choose and option to see my future, I wouldn't choose to see. Surprise and intrigue intrigues me.

This summer I fell so deep into a depression and pain that when I climbed out (by God's grace), I promised myself that I wouldn't get back to that place. So I'm a bit concerned about where this is all going. I feel like, despite my mantra, that I've gone backwards... in spirit.

2011 presents a lot of challenges and celebrations and I'm claiming both in advance. It will also mark my 30th birthday. Seems strange. I need to complete my personal projects before the year is out and I know deep down it's angering me that this thing that I've created, this business, will not allow me the time to work on my own personal things, those things that will bring me to peace with my spirit.

I want to get away so bad but too much is keeping me here. I want to get away and I can't. It's Christmas time and what do I have to show for it?

What a difference a year makes. I sometimes miss me last year. I miss what I had with him and I miss the things that we did together...like the Christmas tree. *I'm smiling* .... and rambling.

I've learned so much in a year that it frightens me to see where I will be next year this time and where I will not be. I have such high expectations for myself. So many people have such high hopes of me and everything that I will accomplished, and while I don't want to look back, sometimes I want to look away. I know I can't let the pressure consume me. I rise to pressure but pain is another thing.

Right now I'm in pain. I'm confused. I feel betrayed by someone so close to me, family, that my heart aches and my soul is weeping.

I know I sound like a spoiled brat, especially since I haven't told my whole story. This is called Natasha on Life, so hey, this is just what you get.

Never Look Back

2010-09-24T23:39:00.002-04:00

Dear Blog (and whatever readers I have left),

I'm writing you now...a woman six months older than I was in my last post. Forgive my absence, but I've been deliberately and accidentally forsaking you....Let me explain.

My absence has been deliberate in a way because I've been working hard to build my business..and I've been contemplating on whether or not I should ever even return to you. I've changed so much since I created this blog. I've moved about four times and from state to state. I turned 29. *pause* I fell in love and then love fell out of me. So much has changed. And guess what!? When this blog started, I was a grad student, working on my thesis, and now, even I can't believe I am teaching a college course on writing. Crazy right.

But my absence has also be accidental, I should say, because I never intended for my life to go this way.

But I can't look back.

The last time I wrote to you, I didn't realize it then, but that was probably the first day of the end of a good chapter in my life...and the prelude to an even better one.

I thought I was happy, personally, and I was. But that source of happiness was only a fix. Like a drug. And once my supply was gone, I went into remission. Only there was no chance of me turning back.

It was gone.

And then...a few days after I last wrote to you, I left my fulltime job...hard to believe that's been over five months. But it has and my business has picked up tremendously. Sometimes I still can't believe that I'm living my life the way I dreamed, almost.

I want to go back sometimes. I miss my life the way that it was just a year ago. I miss being missed. I miss having a regular paycheck that made my life so simple. But then I hear it in my head, something that I've heard so many times by numerous people over the past year, "never go backwards."

So there you have it. I shall continue to go up.

xoxo

The INK Spill: DeAngelo Redman

2010-06-06T01:07:00.001-04:00

After his live showcase at Station 9 in DC on June 4, R & B Artist Deangelo Redman, formerly of Day 26 & Diddy's Making the Band, speaks with Natasha from Think Brown INK about his new record deal & what's to come for the future.

Nina "Lyrispect" Ball at Soul Revival Exhibit

2010-05-19T11:49:00.001-04:00

The talented Ms. Nina Lyrispect Ball performs at the opening of Soul Revival, an art & poetry exhibit at the Meroe Art Gallery in Baltimore -open through Aug. 1, 2010. Soul Revival is co-sponsored by Authentic Contemporary Art and the Meroe Art Gallery.

The INK Spill: Soul Revival

2010-05-19T02:00:00.001-04:00

Soul Revival art exhibit interview with the talented spoken-word artist Nina "Lyrispect" Ball of Philadelphia, PA.

The Build Up! Episode 4 Body Paint Pt 2

2010-04-10T19:42:00.001-04:00

Part 2 of Sherrella's Body Paint shoot with Ed Caso at Catwalk Studios.

The Build Up! Episode 4: Body Paint Sherrella

2010-04-10T15:48:00.001-04:00

We go behind the scenes of the body paint photo shoot with Think Brown INK Client Sherrella La Bella of HoneyComb Set... The DMV's #1 body paint artist Ed Caso shows his skills. To book Ed, email ed@miskeenoriginals.com. Filmed April 10, 2010.

The Build Up Episode 3

2010-04-03T11:07:00.001-04:00

The Turning It episode...Natasha & Sherrella (w/ Think Brown INK & HoneyComb Set) discuss their plans on Friday April 3, including Prince George's Suite Magazine's interview with 96.3 WHUR, K-Beta's album release, Indulj Fridays, Lux Lounge & upcoming client events. Oh & they are definitely TURNING IT!

Reason, Season, Lifetime

2010-03-25T10:30:00.007-04:00

"People are put in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." -original author unknown.

It's been a few seasons since I've blogged here. I've been focused on Think Brown INK Communications. But I feel like I need an outlet to begin sharing my personal thoughts again. Twitter is too instant. Facebook is too superficial. And my journals upon journals of poetry and prose are never at the tip of my fingers...at least not like my iPhone, Blackberry and lap top.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend, and thinking, and praying to God for strength enough to leave certain things behind without being emotionally paralyzed by them like I typically am.

I thought about this: for the past two years (and maybe even longer if I think about it), with every new season, a MAJOR change has occured in my life. Major. A few days ago, the season changed to spring. And I resigned from my full-time job, to finally focus on my business. My personal relationships are also at a crossroads.

I realize that some of the people who are special to me were put in my life for a reason (or a few reasons) and a season (OK a few seasons) but maybe not a lifetime. And this is God's plan. It joys and saddens me at the same time. I've grown so much since the summer of 2009 when I was more worried about achieving temporary happiness to escape from my sadness...this often came in the form of spur-of-the-moment trips across the country, late nights at clubs, last-minute shopping and ultimately too much money spent.

But then things changed. I met a few people, and encountered a few circumstances that made me prioritize life. And after God and family of course, I made Think Brown INK the highest priority.

I am simultaneously holding back the tears and smiling as I write this. I'm thankful for the talents and gifts, especially the special people...person *smile*, that God has blessed me with...even if their season is passed. Thank you God, for making the reasons so clear to me now and for answering my prayers.

Welcome back to life!

2009-10-20T15:31:00.003-04:00

Hey World,

Sorry I've been a bit absent recently....If you follow me on Twitter, Facebook or subscribe to the business site, you know I've been crazy busy professionally, trying to juggle many projects and added responsibilities...

Still, that's no excuse..I feel kinda bad, because this entire year, NSpirit On Life has been either me venting to you or my excuses for why I've neglected this blog. I'm grateful for my loyal readers and subscribers. Thank you for sticking around.

So...what shall I discuss? Life's been nutz. There's a lot to talk about...I'll be back shortly with a more directed post--something dealing with some aspect of my life, your life or the world in general...Until later, take care & again, thanks for sticking around.

Sincerely,
NSpirit

No More Mrs. Nice Natasha

2009-07-26T21:10:00.006-04:00

Honestly, I'm done being nice to everyone, by default. What's the point? My siblings and friends have always told me that I need to stop being so sensitive, and I'm taking their advice. Sadly, the only way for me to do that is for me not to give a fuck about the average person anymore.

(I feel like I should share the kicker that set me off on this rant. But I know you won't understand. OK I'll try...after a weekend of several people being extremely fake in their ways, and a few discoveries :-)- instances of God putting me in the right places at the right times - tonight I was texting an old friend who happens to be somewhere that I'm not in the publishing field. He is supposed to be talking with me about next steps, helping me with the whole publishing process. We somehow began to talk about relationships, etc....& out of no where & after we already established that there would be nothing between us, he texts me & asks me to take off all my clothes and text him a naked picture of myself. Like WTF? I was pissed & I tried my hardest to keep it cordial, but it was hard. He's never seen a naked pic of me, & I was kinda shocked that he would even make such a request out of no where. It showed that he has no respect. So yes, there it goes...)

I'm a naturally generous person with a big heart, so yes - it'll be difficult, but I vow -- no more Mrs. Nice Natasha. She's gone. I think that I'm going to have the toughest time keeping my own desires under control. I tend to give other people too much in the process of satisfying my own cravings. Gotta stop that, because the average person doesn't deserve shit from me.

I'm too good for them.

Am I angry? No. I'm actually pretty happy that God continues to reveal so many truths about life, love, business, pleasure and people.

Dear God, I have to ask you to help me keep my fingertips under control, because when my book drops, you and I both know that I will have no mercy on the fake ones. Please help me spare those who have hated me.

Thank you.

P.S. - My birthday is coming up, and I expect nothing from no one on August 3. I don't need fake friends or frienamies. So please, stay far, far away on my favorite day.

Love,
NSpirit

Putting the pieces back together

2009-07-01T12:46:00.003-04:00

"Sometimes the pieces fall in place on their own. At other times, we must deliberately put them back together." -NSpirit On Life

My life is slowly but surely falling back into place. Yesterday was a good day. I had a meeting with the boss, and all is well. I'm hiring an intern and a few vendors (writing and design) to work with me on my 9 to 5. Seems I'm not going to be writing as much from now on - she wants me to manage all the development communication projects, instead of actually doing them myself. This is a good thing definitely, but it'll be hard for me to adapt at first. I grow personally attached to a lot of my projects, and I tend to want to create them myself, but I know that providing the instructions, directions, and then managing the production will allow me to accomplish much more, and in tern, help our staff raise more money for education.

Today I looked at an apartment. Need to move out of my current (rent-free) spot by August, and the place I looked at today definitely has potential. One of my best friends here in PA is going to be the only other tenant in the building which is a huge plus. I feel kind of funny about having to rent again, knowing that I own property. But my house is in Bmore, and a few friends are renting, and moving back to that city is not an option. I can't stand it there anymore. So...now, I'm just waiting on who I hope will be my new landlord to let me know if my two dogs, Honey & Minnie, can come too. If not, that will probably be a deal breaker.

I've been so consumed with the troubles in my personal life that I've put all things with building and re-branding my business, Brown INK, on hold. I have the new logo, but I still haven't begun working on the site or my new PR package, etc. That's my next mission.

I'm just glad the pieces are coming together again.

With the new season, I had to start new in so many areas of my life. It is a little stressful and heartbreaking at times, but I'm glad it's coming together. I'm still thanking God, while slowly putting the pieces back into place.

Ummmm, IDK about Joe Jackson...

2009-06-30T14:33:00.004-04:00

??? Michael Jackson's father, Joe Jackson is still a little 'Off the Wall.' Here's the video of him on the red carpet at the BET Awards last week. I missed this part of the show the first time and must give props to Haziq for posting it first on his blog.

Thanking God

2009-06-29T18:21:00.010-04:00

I have to thank God for this lesson
I have to thank you, God, for this pain
Realizing that with you, God, soon it will all be back to the same
The same, regular me, Natasha T. "[N]Spirit" Brown, smiling and happy
Knowing that some things I will never get back--but my heart--I know, it's still in tact.
My spirit still gentle, warm, kind and generous
But my heart and mind just a little colder to protect me from these things and people who are envious

I have to thank you, God, for the pain
For giving me strength to pray and have faith that it will all be back to the same
The same, back to the way I use to be, a happy person, tough as steel, emotions under control like the way you made me.
I may still cry- yes -but until the last tear has fallen, God, I know it has all been just a test
A test to prepare me for the next
A test to make me realize I'm truly blessed
These setbacks are just that: necessary to prepare me for the rest

I'm hurting so bad right now, you know
But I'm thanking you for whispering in my ear, "This too shall pass."
And now, I know
My spirit will be the same
I'm thanking you God for rescuing me every time I call out your name.

Written on 6/28/09

My thoughts on June 25 after hearing of Michael's Death.

2009-06-26T18:40:00.003-04:00

I published these thoughts about Michael on my Twitter page. Here they are, unedited.

OMFG Michael Jackson is dead. http://www.tmz.com/ Oh no. Rest in Peace....wow.
5:51 PM Jun 25th from web

THIS IS SOOOOOO SAD. ARE YOU KIDDING. I'M BLOWN. MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD HE WAS ONLY 50. THIS IS CRAZY. OMG. http://www.tmz.com/
5:52 PM Jun 25th from web

They say death comes in threes. First Ed McMahon, then Farrah Faucette & now Michael Jackson. This is crazy.
5:56 PM Jun 25th from web

Fox News says "rushed to the hospital." http://www.foxnews.com/ What's really good?
6:02 PM Jun 25th from web

The CNN story was updated 7 minutes ago. Why aren't they saying Michael Jackson is dead? OMG what's really good? http://tiny.cc/SuK2Y
5:58 PM Jun 25th from web

MSNBC says "rushed to the hospital." http://bit.ly/oR4Ih
6:01 PM Jun 25th from web

I am so sad. God please bless Michael Jackson's children and family. He inspired so many of us. This is a tragedy.
6:11 PM Jun 25th from web

Waiting on CNN, MSNBC, Fox News - Michael Jackson is a legend. Please fight Mike!!!!!!
6:21 PM Jun 25th from web

CNN says they confirmed he is in coma. LA Times says that Michael Jackson is dead. He was rushed to UCLA Medical Center.
6:30 PM Jun 25th from web

TWITTER IS FROZEN. NO UPDATES COMING THROUGH. Michael we love you!!!!!!! He is a legend - the best performer that ever lived!!!!
6:38 PM Jun 25th from web

WE LOVE YOU MICHAEL!!!!! *MUAH* & MY PRAYERS GO OUT TO UR CHILDREN & FAMILY * I'M SO SAD* I HOPE THESE REPORTS ARE UNTRUE. I'M IN DENIAL.
about 24 hours ago from web

"I'm talking to the man in the mirror. I'm asking you to change your ways."-Michael Jackson
about 24 hours ago from web

"Another day has gone, I'm still all alone, How could this be, You're not here with me" -Michael Jackson, You Are Not Alone
about 24 hours ago from web

"You never said goodbye, Someone tell me why, Did you have to go And leave my world so cold..." - Michael Jackson, You Are Not Alone
about 24 hours ago from web

Everyday I sit and ask myself How did love slip away Something whispers in my ear and says
about 24 hours ago from web

Michael Jackson was 'amazing.' That's the only word that can truly capture his greatness. A legend. We all must show respect. We love u!!
about 24 hours ago from web

Where are my PYTs????? In honor of Michael J. We must shout u out!!! @BaddBrwnBodToya @LGDaGreat @HisNum1Scholar @TinkaMarie <----WeLuvUMike
about 24 hours ago from web

"It doesn't matter if you're black or white." - Michael Jackson
about 23 hours ago from web

"She got a darkskin friend that look like Michael Jackson." -Jaime Foxx *tehe*
about 23 hours ago from web

"She's just a girl who thinks that I am the one...." -Michael Jackson
about 23 hours ago from web

"Heal the World.. make it a better place.. for you and for me..(for the entire human race)...RT @Lizzs_Lockeroom
about 23 hours ago from web

Like really, I know MJ Fans all over the world are going nutz. He was so amazing. It's hard to believe he's gone. I grew up 2 him & Janet.
about 23 hours ago from web

"There are people dying. If you care enough for the living, make a better place for you and for me." -Michael Jackson "Heal the World"
about 23 hours ago from web

"There are people dying. If you care enough for the living, make a better place for you and for me." -Michael Jackson "Heal the World"
about 23 hours ago from web

"We are the world." -Michael Jackson
about 23 hours ago from web

"There are people dying. If you care enough for the living, make a better place for you and for me." -Michael Jackson "Heal the World"
about 23 hours ago from web

Death should make us embrace life & our loved ones who are living. Let's not wait until they are dead to honor their life.RIP MichaelJackson
about 23 hours ago from web

CNN just brought up a good point. MJ represented all that was positive in music. He didnt disrespect women, curse or highlight the negative.
about 23 hours ago from web

When we say Michael Jackson, we think of Motown USA, Thriller, Bad, Barry Gordy, Scream Tour, Moonwalking- He was amazing. Respect his life.
about 23 hours ago from web

...The Jackson 5, Man in the Mirror, Thriller, Beat It, Billie Jean....he was an icon...can't believe my kids won't get to see him perform.
about 23 hours ago from web

RT @flyguytray RIP to everyone who lost someone this year... FTR the death of MJ is no greater than the life of ur loved one<-----True.
about 22 hours ago from web

ATTENTION TO THE FOLLOWER WHO KEEPS ASKING ME TO RETWEET "follow me" NO. STOP FUCKIN BLOWIN ME OR I WILL UNFOLLOW YOU NOW!!!
about 22 hours ago from web

"We are the world." -Michael Jackson
about 22 hours ago from web

"Death should make us embrace life & our loved ones who are living. Let's not wait until they are dead 2 honor their lives."-NSpirit On Life
about 22 hours ago from web

Think of all your fav. entertainers and ask yourself if they were influenced by Michael Jackson? Bey, Usher, Ciara, Chris Brown, Mary J...
about 22 hours ago from web

...Janet Jackson, Missy,Timbaland, Aaliyah...etc etc etc etc etc etc etc - Michael Jackson was & always will b an icon. May u rest in peace.
about 22 hours ago from web

I'm not gonna sleep tonight. We should make this a 24/hour Twit cycle - live & poppin, in honor of Michael Jackson.
about 22 hours ago from web

"Death should make us embrace life & our loved ones who are living. Let's not wait until they are dead 2 honor their lives."-NSpirit On Life
about 22 hours ago from web

"I remember the time, when we fell in love. I remember the time, when we first met." -Michael Jackson.
about 22 hours ago from web

"Do you remember us holding hands in each other's eyes we'd stare..." -Michael Jackson, Remember the Time, dedicated to you xoxoxo
about 22 hours ago from web

"Do you remember those special times, they'll just go on and on iIn the back of my mind..." - Michael Jackson, Remember the Time
about 22 hours ago from web

"Those sweet memories will always b dear 2 me & [boy] nomatter what was said I will never forget what we had now baby"-MJ Remember the Time
about 22 hours ago from web

Left work, lit a black & as my brain started to clear from all my projects, it sunk in forreal. Michael Jackson is dead.
about 22 hours ago from UberTwitter

RT @musicologist012 Michael Jackson saved the Music Industry in 1983! ...he saved music!...Celebrate his legacy & the path that he has made
about 21 hours ago from UberTwitter

The great die young.
about 21 hours ago from UberTwitter

Truly an unprecedented day.Tx every1 4 the MJ RTs.Still stunned.Thinkin about all my loves-fam & friends.Death makes me feel somekind of way
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

"Death should make us embrace life & our loved ones who are living. Let's not wait until they are dead 2 honor their lives."-NSpirit On Life
about 20 hours ago from UberTwitter

"Leave me alone." -Michael Jackson.... RIP
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

Heal the World is on. This video, this song, is so touching...I am glad Michael Jackson will finally have peace; he did so much 4 the world.
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

Quick question: Why were yall following @PerezHilton in the 1st place. He's a Grade A hater. Now, bac 2 my nightlong tribute... RIP MJ
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

& jus 4 the record...Michael Jackson died 2day. Um, so who cares about ur mixtape, ur new single, Perez Hilton or tht crzy couple wit 8 kids
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

RT @mrsnasirjones @NSpirit PREACH BABY!!! WHO GIVES A GOTDAM BOUT THAT OTHER SHIT, OUR KING IS GONE<-my pt exactly. I'm on an unfollow spree
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

Michael Jackson, u deserve ur props. You were amazing. Like really. A prodigy by 6 yrs old, Thriller 20X platinum. An icon-BAD....RIP MJ
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

Wow..Thanks everyone 4 ur RTs. Its true. PPL are OC on Twitter & the shameless self promo 4 a bunch of wak ass rappers is disgusting. RIP MJ
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

"I'm tired of being a victim of shame. They throwin me in a class with a bad name"-Michael Jackson
about 19 hours ago from UberTwitter

RIP Michael. I love you. No entertainer will ever come close...

Michael Jackson, we love you. May you finally have peace.

2009-06-26T18:32:00.003-04:00

Michael Jackson died yesterday. Forgive me for not feeling too creative, but I'm still kinda shocked by the news. Michael touched so many lives, mine included. Thriller made my siblings and I scared of the dark. Watching the young Michael sing his heart out at just 6-years-old made me believe as a kid that I could do anything.

As we got older, it saddened me that his life became so tragic. As he grew to be our icon, the greatest performer of our time, so did his angst and anxiety. All I can say is that I'm glad that he'll finally have peace.

Sincerely, me. Michael, may you rest in peace.

We will always love you.

Obama: World 'Appalled' by Iran Violence

2009-06-24T15:39:00.002-04:00

WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Barack Obama on Tuesday declared the United States and the entire world "appalled and outraged" by Iran's violent efforts to crush dissent, a clear toughening of his rhetoric as Republican critics at home pound him for being too passive.

More here.

The Random Eye of Oculus

2009-06-23T17:26:00.013-04:00

Welcome to the OculusVision: Oculus is a lover of music, beauty, eccentricity, and of course, photography. I met her on Twitter several weeks ago, and upon visiting her web site, I was immediately impressed by her eye for beauty, in its rarest-most real form.

"My style is the ability to make everything have a downcast feel to it, even if its a bright and sunny day, because dark has a tendency to make things looked aged, and I love the dark antique look," she said.

Her photographer's eye is random. This can probably be attributed to the fact that she was never formally trained in photography. She simply grabbed a Canon Powershot A310 and began to capture life, people and the rugged beauty of the city--New York City.

The Oculus Vision

Manhattan Bridge

Blood, Mayhem, Fear

Model: House of Malika
From The Suicide Shoot in 2007

__
Her photography ranges from cute retro shots depicting fashion in 1958, to colorful pictures of the city's most-explicit graffiti, from the beauty of the human body to photography that gives us a vivid view of nature. But Oculus is most proud of the silhouettes that she's photographed of people, especially.

Take a look

Model: Syl

-From The Early Oculus album

Be sure to check out more of Oculus' photography at her web site (www.oculusvision.com) and follow her on Twitter.

On Life: Taking My Position

2009-06-21T03:33:00.005-04:00

"To whom much is given, much is required."

When you have the whole world in your hands, you can't keep it all. It's necessary to spread your blessings around and help those who need your help the most.

(This picture was taken at the Children's National Medical Center in DC when I was doing public relations for the National Cherry Blossom 10-mile Run. I was the designated face painter during the kick-off press conference.)

A few weeks ago, I met someone while I was in a rush & stressed, trying to leave town on a business trip. He walked by, noticed my behavior and told me to simply "breathe."

Tonight I spoke with him for the first time via phone. As he learned more about me and my personality, my responsibilities (family, work, and my business). He told me, "To whom much is given, much is required."

I had heard that before.
Told me that was the theme of his life, and me, I'd have to find a theme of my own. Talking to him made me realize that I am the dependable person to whom people turn when they need or want something to get done.

Lately, I've been running from that position. It was becoming overbearing, and I was feeling stressed because I quickly rose to the top of my game, professionally. Each day, the responsibility on my shoulders-knowing that I can make or break specific programs-was getting to me.

But we all must take our positions.
It's not always easy to accept all of life's responsibilities. Its not easy to leave childish ways behind and push forward pass the pain. But we must. I must.

From this day forward, I'm accepting all the roles I have in life.

One of my favorite NSOL (NSpirit On Life) quotes this year is below, and I think its absolutely fitting for this post.

"Everyone has a position to play. Play it well, or you can be replaced." -NSpirit On Life

Short Poem

2009-06-14T14:17:00.004-04:00

*Missing You*

It's been two weeks since we've seen each other, a lot has changed with me, and probably you too.

Now I know we aren't good for each other right now, but that still doesn't change the way I feel about you.

When I have time to think, I know, baby I'm still missing you.
--

This short little piece was on my mind when I awoke from a nap yesterday. Jotted it down in the memo pad of my Blackberry...

NSpirit On Life: On Controlling Emotions

2009-05-29T18:00:00.005-04:00

"Emotions often get the best of us...gotta remember who we are and say eff how we feel sometimes." -NSpirit On Life

___

Just this week, five people, including my manager, told me that I need to manage my emotions. She didn't say it like that, but kind of eluded to it. I've been thinking all week about why I'm so emotional, and more importantly, I've been trying to figure out how to manage these feelings.

I realize that this little project will be hard for me for one simple reason: I usually don't subject myself to situations, people, jobs, or anything that I don't deeply care and have a passion for. This means that I put my all into everything - relationships, work, my business, family, etc... - when things don't go right, it kinda hurts. I get emotional and (because I wear my heart on my sleeve) it's often hard to hide those feelings of hurt or disappointment.

So, there's only a few solutions that I can think of to solve this problem:
1 - try not to care, which will be impossible or
2- just don't show that I care.

Solution #2 may seem a bit wreckless and unhealthy, but I kinda think it can work. In business and in pleasure, when you show your vulnerability you automatically have the bottom hand and the other entity has the upperhand. Often, I become emotional over situations that will have a better outcome if I just swallow what I'm feeling and act with my brain instead of my heart-just for the moment.

Plus, I'm a writer and I need to learn to save the emotions for the notepad or blog.

I think I'm getting somewhere. If you have suggestions on how an overly-emotional, writer girl like me can control her emotions, please share.

-Spirit

NSpirit On Life: On Behaving with Class

2009-05-28T15:24:00.005-04:00

NSpirit On Life: On Behaving with Class

"Do EVERYTHING with class. Sometimes ppl will test your character & position but know u are better than that. At the end of the day, if you know that what's in play isn't worth your self respect, why entertain it at all? Remember the class & respect you have for yourself, not to let ANYONE get you out of your character EVER."-NSpirit

(photo: my sister, me & my God sis)

-back story -
A few weeks ago, I was in a club for a friend's birthday party. Chics and unexpectedly, dudes, started to hate & do too much for my liking. But me, being my mother's daughter, was too classy, too cute, and I held a higher position on the totem pole than they did (regardless of if they realized it or not). I decided to carry the situation with class, and fore go the drama to continue looking extra cute.

I also thought about this:Some things and people are just not worth breaking a nail & ruining your makeup over.

I'm O.C. for this one! (outa control)

2009-05-27T22:15:00.000-04:00

Life is crazy, sexy & cool. Tonight I'm chillin in bed dealing with the consequences of my actions.

Have you ever felt that you were about to do something reckless & yet you can't stop yourself? For me, its like my brain is already committed to screwing things up. I'm O.C. for this one. Feel like I've been O.C. for this one since March, & I have, which is why this little situation might be best for my mental -for the moment.

So readers, promise you'll stick with me. Ya girl's gonna get her shit together soon-promise. Cus we both know, I'm too official not too!

(No bulshit.)

Life & otherwise

2009-05-09T19:06:00.003-04:00

What's good readers? I'm warning you at the top of this post, that the text below is one of my rants - not specific or anything, just some general observations.

So, Wednesday marked the 21st day of the Positivity Campaign. 21 days = a habit right? So positivity should be a way of life now. Kinda sorta.

This past week was oh so rough & I've shared some of my crazy moments with my Twitter Fam...not really trying to go into details, but let's just say that emotionally, mentally, physically, and professionally, I am being tested. But aren't we all?

I've realized that regardless, I gotta keep the end in mind: the end being happiness & a fullfilled life. I realize that people will let me down, and that's cool, because you have to learn to trust people for what they are trustworthy to do. Feel me? For instance, if your best friend is a crackhead, you have to trust that she will most likely do anything to feel the next high.

So, with that said, I've realized for certain things in my life, I can only trust myself to get it done at the end of the day.

_________

On the personal front, I feel like Vivian Green on an Emotional Rollercoaster. There are great highs and dissapointing lows.

Peace

Positivity Campaign Day 1

2009-04-15T17:36:00.005-04:00

After I hit a real low point with myself a few weeks ago, I was compelled to start a Positivity Campaign to inspire as many people as I could to spread positivity. If you're negative, I'll try to encourage you, but I can't let the negativity become a cancer to me again, honestly.

With that said, here are the details.

Dates - April 15 - April 22. We're going to take it one week at a time. This is a difficult thing we're trying to accomplish.

Goal - Make each other and ourselves happy, or maybe temporarily lift some one's spirit.

Audience - Your entire network. Follow me on Twitter to stay tuned with updates and be sure to tweet positivity, k. As my man Money Green of
Breadwinner Entertainment likes to say, "Winnaz can't be hattaz." With that said, NO HATING ALOUD.

I know this will be hard. Some people are naturally haters, and that's why I think this is important. I also think that if you have a network of people who knows your goals and mission in life, they'll help you reach your goals.

So, let's do it together. Come on. Tell me that you're down!