Looking back at NTMN’s legacy – as one of the earliest satirical websites in India and a premier youth platform during some of millennial India’s defining moments

Two international awards for best online content. Over 400 authors published and trained. Hundreds of thousands of daily readers. Stories that became part of popular culture for those few days and weeks. News satire that made sense. A young team that learned on the job, and enthralled, entertained and enlightened diverse audiences during its best years.

It has been nearly seven years since I wrote the first story under the banner “News That Matters Not”. Today, I write my last.

Today, we say an official goodbye. You might be one of our earliest, most loyal fans, or one of the newer ones bewildered at the slow frequency at which we have published lately. Whichever set you belong to, I apologize for breaking the bond we created. Here’s one final note, on our legacy.

About NTMN | Why is NTMN Saying Goodbye? | Press coverage | Awards

Power is overestimated. And treated as if it were too exclusive: meant to be in the hands of some specific, important people.

In the last seven years, we at News That Matters Not also have had the power, to be part of a revolution that could challenge the real powers.

The early years of this decade – when NTMN was at its peak – saw three large-scale mass movements in India, which led to an unprecedented change in the way we engage, think and talk about our role as citizens of the nation.

All these three events were centred at New Delhi, but the scale was huge because the place where these movements were built was largely the social media. The internet brought those debates that were limited to the intelligentsia, to every youngster who can click “Post” on Facebook. Not without its own sets of troubles, but it did.

April 2011, Anna Hazare began the anti-corruption movement in New Delhi. Controversies aside, the discourse of corruption finally entered the drawing room. Comments such as “India is so corrupt” changed to “Even I aid corruption when I bribe the traffic policeman”. Observations such as “Nothing can happen” gave way to youngsters coming out on roads to protest and seek change.

December 2012, a brutal gangrape in the national capital shook much more than just the news coverage for a couple of weeks or months. As in the previous case, ideas that “We should respect women” had suddenly given way to realizations that “I also unknowingly do things that are based in a patriarchal mindset”.

How did this happen?

Through these years with NTMN, I have realized that the impact of writing may often be painstakingly slow, but that impact will never come if we avoid expressing altogether.

What happened to be our peak years – late 2010 to early 2013 – were also the years when the social media graduated into becoming the force that it is today: and being at the helm of a leading satire platform in those years was an experience not everyone can boast of.

These years told us: people could use humour to express anger. Do think of the role of satirical websites like ours and other youth platforms in building the humorous discourse to express anger in those years.

Until then, how often had you seen public outrage to the extent that a random youth could express anger on a public platform?

Until then, how often had you seen jokes on politicians in India? Memes, cartoon strips, Facebook status updates, tweets: all were angry. In those days, politics was not polarized into the right and the left; the polarization was between the political class and the citizens.

It was not that the tools of satirical writing had not been used before. The written expression is as old as the alphabet, but public involvement in these tools in India has never been as much as the post-2009 social media years.

Two international awards for best online content. Over 200 authors published. Over 200 interns trained. Over 25,000 Facebook followers. A lakh visitors on its peak day. Stories that became part of popular culture (read, viral social media). News satire that made sense. A team that learned on the job, and enthralled, entertained and enlightened varied audiences during its peak years.

Today, we say an official goodbye. You might be one of our earliest, most loyal fans, or one of the newer ones bewildered at the slow frequency at which we have published lately. Whichever set you belong to, I apologize for breaking the bond we created.

The power of one website. The power of writing. The power of humour. The power of some common people.

About NTMN | Why is NTMN Saying Goodbye? | Press coverage | Awards

Ramesh Tandon, lovingly known as “that annoying little prick” among his friends and enemies alike, has taken it upon himself to correct other people’s grammar on the internet.

Tandon, whose Goodreads bio describes him as “sapiosexual wanderer” and “voracious reader”, is finding solace in giving unsolicited grammar advice to internet users.

A chartered accountant by profession and a huge disappointment by nature, Tandon says this indulgence is a mental exercise to keep his brain sharp by causing damage to other people’s brains. “It’s all relative you see,” says that annoying little prick.

On being asked why he has restrained this behaviour to the virtual world only, Tandon says that in the real world, his “enlightenment” was met with some comments about his mother and sister, and an occasional ass-whopping.

The return of Maggi has destroyed the business of cooking classes, which emerged briefly after the ban on the popular instant noodles. The market that catered to hostellers, bachelors and women planning to get married is finding few takers after the ban was lifted last month.

Until a few months back, girls of the marriageable age were confident of their cooking skills, and were proud of their two-minute recipes of Maggi noodles, Maggi sandwich, Maggi pakodas and Maggi omelette.

However, the sudden ban on the sales of Maggi had suddenly handicapped them and their marriage prospects. The past few months saw a great boom in the cooking classes business. In parts of Delhi and Mumbai, there were more cooking classes than IIT-JEE coaching centres.

The ban, however, has now been revoked. Owners of these cooking class businesses are the worst hit.

Girls are again using Maggi to check off their cooking skills in the matrimonial forums.

A sad owner of one such cooking class we talked to said: “Where did they hide all the lead? We’re ruined.”

However, the return of Maggi has been a blessing for hostellers and other bachelors, for whom the two-minute noodles are a staple. “This was much awaited,” said a student of Yet Another College of Engineering (YACE).

“I was sick of eating healthy food,” he said. “Broccoli is no substitute for Maggi…especially with daaru.”

At least thirty students fell asleep and four others made paper aeroplanes when a guest speaker at a college fest forgot his promise of “keeping the lecture interactive”.

“Two minutes into the lecture, we found out that the man had prepared a PowerPoint presentation. There was no way it could be interactive, and so, I slept,” said one of the students who actually thinks she knows why she went for the session.

“The speaker introduced himself and bravely said he had not planned for the session,” said another student, who had to attend because he was a friend of the event organiser. “Then he said the session would be interactive. But the next moment, he showed us a presentation with 30 slides on the big screen.”

He spoke for the next one hour using the presentation, without being interrupted by sleeping students, we were told.

Sources say some first-year kids had actually believed the speaker and were impressed when he said he had not planned for the session.

The lecture that the students were attending was not titled “How to be successful on Tinder”, probably a reason why the students fell asleep. The actual title is either unknown or incomprehensible, say students who made an attempt to attend.

The event organiser, a final-year student of the college, had promised students that the lecture would be about how to attract audiences.

The Delhi government has said it will commercialize parking spaces in the capital. One will now have to purchase a parking space before buying a vehicle.

Most people happy

Shivam, who lives in Delhi at his girlfriend’s place in Mayur Vihar, has already purchased a spot. “We never imagined that we would be the proud owners of a parking spot,” he said. “I can now come home safe in the knowledge that I have a spot that will always be there. So what if I still don’t have a car? I can rent out my spot and from that money, buy another parking spot, and then eventually buy a car.”

Deepak, another Delhiite, expressed excitement: “I will no longer have to sleep outside my house to ensure that no one parks there. In fact, I won’t even have to park my scooter diagonally to reserve the spot. I can finally use my scooter, and sleep inside my house after thirty-two years.”

What happens when the city runs out of space?

The chief minister told reporters that this was just the beginning. “We have greater plans ahead,” he said. “For instance, we intend to convert all main roads and highways in and around New Delhi into parking spots. It will be a great source of revenue.

“We will be a city of cars that are parked all day and all night. But if you look at it from a more optimistic perspective, running on the roofs of cars is the coolest thing one can do.”

The chief minister confirmed that owners of existing vehicles would also have to buy their own parking spots. This came as a rude shock to many people who liked to paint “reserved” on stationary objects outside their houses.

Haters gonna hate

There was a section of the population that expressed deep displeasure. “This is absurd. I have painted ‘reserved’ on the trees in front of at least five houses in the neighbourhood with my own hands,” said Rahul.

“In an ideal and honest world, this means that those spots belong to me and that those trees are also now mine. Does the law of ‘first come first served’ not stand for anything anymore?”

Not wasting any moment to capitalize on NASA’s discovery of water on Mars, Prime Minister Narendra Modi is in talks with the Red Planet urging it to make its water here in India.

The Prime Minister said that the market need for water is most visible in India. “I think it will be most profitable for Mars to make its H₂O here. We have one of the largest youth population, and the demand for their product is immense.”

Huge opportunity for Mars

“This brilliant move by Mr. Modi is quite literally out of this world,” said Mr. Aravindan, a fan of both the Prime Minister and Mars.

“He is making all the right noises, the market potential for Mars is enormous here in India. Frankly, I think the planet should seize this opportunity.”

Referring to the Curiosity Rover, Mr. Aravindan said that Mars has been invaded by Western colonizers who will soon loot all its treasures.

“The red rock should try its luck here with us and make some money before it’s pillaged and stripped off from all its resources.”

Cutting through the bullshit and getting straight to the point, a self-proclaimed local entrepreneur is sending khaali katoras (empty bowls) to venture capitalists as his sales pitch.

He sends a note inside the bowl: “Do din se Facebook post boost nahi kara sahib. (Sir, haven’t boosted my Facebook post for two days.)”

Saying that this is the best presentation he has ever made as it conveys his vision thoroughly, Rajdeep called it a “three-dimensional minimalist PPT deck that accurately informs the VCs what is required from them”.

“Look, investing is a gamble. One can never be sure of returns, if any,” said Rajdeep.

“You can wear a suit and a tie, take the investor to a nice restaurant, whisper sweet nothings in his ear, hoping maybe the guy will let you go to the third base.”

He said further: “I have tried all of this, lekin aajkal bahot nakhre ho gaye hain saalon ke (but these idiots throw many tantrums these days). At the end of the day, there is no definitive proof that an idea will see the returns or not. That is why I have stopped trying to convince them. I know my idea is great and I just need money. Hence, I am now sending empty katoras to venture capitalists.”

He added: “Bhai trust karo aur bhiksha de do. (Dude, trust me and pay up.) I think it is a bold move and conveys the type of person I am.”

In what comes as a major relief to single, committed, married, pregnant, as well as dead women all over the country, Google has announced an India-only feature on its upcoming Android version.

The feature, called New Pig on the Block, will identify guys who ping too many girls. Once the app knows the phone owner has pinged too many women, the phone will instantly explode without a warning, setting fire to the hand, face or whatever other part of the body the phone is in touch with.

A ping is worth more than a thousand stares

Experts say this tendency to ping random girls on social media is trending in India as old lame moves such as liking all profile pictures of a woman, inviting them to music concerts, or the old-fashioned call-several-hundred-times-till-she-picks-up, failed to yield any concrete results. These methods, men found, only annoyed the women.

We tried to contact some such pingus, but we got responses such as, “Hiiee beautyful”, “Will you go on dinner with me” and “Wait, I’ll send you my nude pic”.

This NTMN reporter is still reeling from the aftereffects of the traumatic experience.

uStalk, iExplode

Apple insiders say its iOS platform may have such a feature very soon too, under the name “uStalk, iExplode”.

If this happens, pingus will need to resort to now-obsolete techniques of staring from a distance, molesting or simply urinating on the streets to assert their dominance, a polite pingu said.

Beware: The Android phone can detect your desperation

The Android core team is also working on a feature that can detect the desperation in a guy’s ping by looking at his history of pinging, patterns in the profiles of the girls who he has pinged, and the speed at which he asks for a date if she even dares to respond.

Sahil Tripathi, an open-minded dad who identifies himself as “liberal” and “modern”, has strongly condemned statements by a politician against night-time freedom for girls.

“These views are the type of regressive and patriarchal mentality we can only expect from our politicians,” Tripathi said. “We live in a modern society, so of course 14-year-old girls who are not my daughter should be allowed night-outs.”

He continued: “India has come a long way from being a male-dominant society. Women here have equal rights now, we have modern values. I say that every teenage girl who I do not know and is in no way related to me should go for a night-out to protest such statements.”

When asked how safe night-time endeavours are, Tripathi said there is plenty of security at night for women who do not have any kind of relationship with him.

“Parents should not worry about the dangers of nightlife. They should trust that a 14-year-old girl has the capacity to make wise decisions. I therefore urge every parent who is not me to send their daughters out at night.”

The deva of intellect and wisdom was quite furious upon finding that a mere mortal was just as much celebrated as him, if not more.

In an unfortunate coincidence for Lord Ganesha, Prime Minister Narendra Modi had his birthday on Ganesh Chaturthi this year. This has greatly reduced the fawning over the Ganpati, and the attention that was purely reserved for him has been split with Modi.

Hoping the day in his honour would be an awesome and pompous affair, Mr. Ganesh, one of the lords of the Hindu pantheon, was quite shocked to find that a mere mortal was cutting down his popularity bank and dividing his laddoos.

To confront the lord, we reached Mount Kailash but the deva simply refused to entertain any mediaperson.

“Oh no, not you people!” exclaimed the almighty. “You will twist anything I say, off you go.”

Our credible source, Narada Muni, has confirmed that the lord was also quite upset at people for addressing Mr. Modi as NaMo.