Because, the one source of energy that can never run out, no matter what, be it an apocalypse or a zombie-world-domination, is politicians’ bullshit. They will keep churning their waste, concocting their filth, and spewing out bullshit, over and over again.

An illustration of how the car would work

In a sensational turn of events, after the price of petrol was hiked yesterday by Rs 7.50, an engineering student from Delhi Technological University has come up with a new car design that runs on “politicians’ bullshit”. The student has garnered some rave reviews for his invention, as the entire country joins hands in blessings for the man. This exciting news has also eased some pressure off the UPA ministers, who had been hoping that the country would not notice the price hike—unfortunately to no avail eventually.

NTMN caught up with the genius, Kumar Pratik, who is being touted as the next Albert Einstein already in hushed tones. Kumar explained to us about his invention. “You know how petrol prices are on the rise because the energy sources are depleting, right? So, I was just sitting there one day in my class, wondering about the renewable sources of energy, when suddenly it struck me. What is that source of energy that can never run out, no matter what, be it an apocalypse or a zombie-world-domination? Politicians’ bullshit, of course! It is the ultimate energy source. They will churn their waste, concoct their filth, and spew out bullshit, over and over again. Believe you me, it will never run out.” We were confused as to how the new car system would work, so he supplied us with the schematic diagram, and tried to explain the scientific technicalities, which of course went over our heads. So, we bid him goodbye, and started hounding other people for their views.

Honourable Lalu Prasad Yadav was the first one to raise objection. “Bhaat is this boolsit?” Our reporter translated it for him as Gobar, which really spiked his mood. He then explained to us how destiny has finally brought him and his cows to their ultimate moment of success. He also mentioned he could even become a millionaire with all his cattle strength. The social world was abuzz with the news. “Oh my god! Finally, something good has come out of living in this country. No problem for Royce now. Kudos to #bullshitpower,” Amitabh Bachchan tweeted, while Mukesh Ambani updated his Facebook page, “Looks like we have a new business in town.”

Commoners were elated with this news, a down-to-earth couple among them. “Yes, we can afford that car we have been waiting for ages now! God bless politicians. Who could think that their words would make a difference someday?” As for the upper echelons in the society, this news has caused somewhat of a twist. “Hmm, sounds good. We’ll buy one car for my daughter, one for her boyfriend, one for….”

Meanwhile, Poonam Pandey has offered to strip for the engineering student, and Kapil Sibal has vowed to help the cause by spewing more and more bullshit every day. Vijay Mallya has set his eyes on recruiting the boy for “designing airplanes that run on beer”.

***
For the author’s more serious views on the topic, read his blog.

When the bill “Ban All Kinds of Cartoons Having Offensive and Derogatory Intentions” (BAKCHODI) becomes a law, India will move a step closer to a cartoon-free India. Cartoonism is the single biggest challenge to our democracy at present, as our MPs spend day in and day out discussing the issue.

In yet another step towards making India a serious superpower by 2020 AD, the government has announced steps to make India a “cartoon-free” country. Home Minister P. Chidambaram and Minister for Information and Broadcasting Ambika Soni addressed a press conference in Delhi where they explained the grave threat of growing cartoonism in India. They assured citizens that the government was ready with concrete plans to deal with the same.

Chidambaram said, “The Bill to Ban All Kinds of Cartoons Having Offensive and Derogatory Intentions (BAKCHODI) is just a baby step towards the India of our dreams. The Bill will be presented in the monsoon session to bring a law for dealing strictly with miscreants.

“Gone are the days when cartoons were funny. We no more live in the innocent era of Tom and Jerry and Tenaliraman. The situation is such that in tomorrow’s paper, you might even see my cartoon!! This form of amusement has now become a tool to terrorize and maim the State. Our PM Manmohan Singh recently rated ‘cartoonism’ as the single biggest threat to Indian democracy,” Chidambaram said with his usual ‘intello-smile’. He assured, “There will be zero tolerance towards cartoonism and all perpetrators will be brought to justice.”

“Recently, there was this highly derogatory cartoon of a great Dalit leader in a textbook. It was a wake-up call for all of us to realize how grave a danger such cartons have become. They can hurt the feelings of Hindus, Muslims, Christians and {(Hindu-, Muslim- and Christian-) (Dalits)}. Have you seen those regular abominable cartoons in newspapers? God! They can lead to mini-wars!” Ambika Soni said, widening her eyes and mouth-cavity.

In wake of regular protests by masses against such defamatory and inflammatory content, the government has asked Facebook and Google to filter such material. Also, the 1,10,000 books with the derogatory cartoons of our Constitution-maker have been recalled from village schools across the country.

When pointed out that the BAKCHODI Bill is against the freedom of expression, Chidambaram smiled again like a saint under the influence of marijuana and said, “This isn’t a total ban. We have exempted Orkut and Cartoon Network from this ban. Also, to assure that our kids get a feel of the glorious past of Indian cartoons, Doordarshan will telecast Jungle Book from the coming Sunday at 11am. You can also read the hand-outs given to you. It lists the various types of content exempted from the forthcoming BAKCHODI law.”

The fate of the BAKCHODI Bill still hangs in balance as people are expecting Anna Hazare to start a hunger strike in opposition. Meanwhile, here’s a list of the things to be exempted from BAKCHODI, according to the hand-outs:

1. Statues of Mayawati.

2. Un-photoshopped photos of Mamata Banerjee.

3. Talking videos of Lalu Yadav.

4. Silent videos of Manmohan Singh.

5. Election speeches of Rahul Gandhi and his brother-in-law Robert Vadera.

6. Any cartoon depicting Hindu Gods who were not Dalit.

7. Any cartoon depicting Muslims and Christians that have been approved by the Shahi Imam and Pope Benedict XVI respectively.

8. Edited versions of R. K Laxman’s ‘Common Man’ series after removing any politicians’ caricature or politically motivated text from them (illustrated below).

This is how R. K. Laxman's cartoons will look if BAKCHODI becomes a law.

Ref.: Indian company launches an intimate wash designed to ‘brighten’ the vagina

This is a work by Alicia Souza, the marvellous illustrative designer, now also doing illustrations for NTMN. We are sure you will love her fresh and funny and interesting work. You can follow her on Facebook here.

So, step into the train and hand your life to the clemency of the dilapidated tracks, century-old bridges, miscued signalling system, slapdash maintenance and so on and so forth. Yes, still you must; because this is what 30 million Indians do on daily basis. If you suffer, don’t give a damn (in case, you actually survive to). It’s quite a normal phenomenon. Consider it a bonus if you manage to reach your destination unscathed. Always remember that normal things seldom happen in our country. It is abnormality which accounts for everything occurring out here.

Our railway system specializes in every possible way of mishap; let it be bridge-collapses, malfunctioning signals, unclamped tracks, head-on collisions, infernos,… blah, blah, blah. Does the count ever end? Never. So better leave it. Constituted up by strong foundations of corruption, cowardice and crookedness, Indian Railways has outshown almost every field when it comes to volume and traffic of scamps. India is really a land of scampers, no doubt in that. It could have been somewhat relieving if this price that we pay would have been compensated by the losses we agonize due to them.

But no, this has not yet been destined to us. The gods of democracy are busy at the moment solving out their own conflicts and convictions. Till then, we need to prepare ourselves, in case we are not, to witness some more like Peruman Train Tradegy, Kadalundi Train Disaster, Valigonda Train Disaster, Rafiganj Train Disaster, etc. Well, these many are enough to swap the population of a healthy Indian village by fouling corpses. The government terms them as tragedies and disasters, but they aren’t. Instead, they are massacres. Indeed they are. Need proof? You gotta be kidding. You don’t.

Take the example of Peruman Bridge on which Island Express got derailed in 1988, killing 105. It remains one of the biggest misfortunes of Indian Railways. Official sources claim that the mishap was the outcome of a tornado which came out of nowhere. On the contrary, eye witnesses have different accounts, most prevalent being the fact that maintenance work was on its way and the accident was a combination of the pilot’s and maintenance workers’ faults.

Rafiganj incident was just another one in 2002, when luxury Rajdhani Express carrying a thousand “culprits to be death-sentenced” derailed over a 300-foot bridge over Dhave river near Gaya. Once again, the reasons behind the curtain remain smeared as does the death toll. Official data is highly unreliable, at least when it comes to Railways.

We can continue to talk about numerous such casualties. It does not seem to end; not unless the sleeping conscience of the constituent units of the system rises. But as is the current scene, it cannot be expected any time soon in future. Even if it does, it rises only to attain quiescence again. Anyway, being common citizens, our job is to tolerate the tyrannies of the government that we have ourselves appointed. Isn’t it? What else can we do? We have given up the hope that the system would ever reconcile; then it would never rectify its fiddle.

After all, we become what we hope to be. We are common people because we consider ourselves to be, not because someone else has defined the term for us. We feel that we are pathetic, therefore comes the notion that we are common. Certainly, that is not the case. The feeling is just like the rotten-looking peel of a banana housing a healthy fruit inside. And, what to talk about the system we possess; it is just a lost balloon rising up in the air till it could fit upon the head of a pin. It really is easily manipulable and should be driven towards mass-benevolence rather than personal emancipation. Be a Gandhi, or be an Anna if time demands, but burn the midnight oil and turn the tables so that everyone goes home safe, no woman is widowed, no child is orphaned, no mother wails for her child and last but far from least, there is an overall headway standing as a testimony to the fact that the upcoming era is ours, the citizens’.

Talking to NTMN from his home, Singh exclaimed, “It all started when I was watching an IPL game between Kings XI Punjab and Mumbai Indians on TV. I was thoroughly enjoying the game, when suddenly, I saw this tall, bearded man, clad in white suit, trying to sell a smart phone in heaven. At first glance, I thought he was Gurdas Mann, but then someone told me that he’s Abhishek Bachchan. Abhishek Bachchan in Heaven? Seriously?! Who would like to live with a man who tries to do sissy stunts while riding a pony and wearing Bappi Lahiri’s clothes in his movies? Shit just got real for me!”

Kulwant Singh laments, “I always dreamt of being surrounded by cute Apsaras in Heaven, but this ad has been traumatizing me for the last few days. My dreams are shattered and all my after-death plans have now come to an abrupt end.”

Abhishek Bachchan seen in Heaven in Idea ad

The octogenarian exclaimed that he has already sent an application to Hell. “If that’s how Heaven looks, I’d be better-off living in Hell. I have e-mailed my application to Hell and now I am waiting for them to approve it. I feel that’s the place where I can ‘live’ happily after death.”

We managed to catch up with the HR manager (Chitragupt’s designation in these modern days) in Yamaraj’s office, who did accept getting an application from Singh. “You see,” he exclaimed in pure contemplation, “people never volunteered to stay in Hell. All those who came here were on punishment, barring one Shakti Kapoor, who wanted to know if ours was the place where all the bad girls lived. But the trend is changing now, we have received numerous applications and we are busy processing them.”

“This is a huge setback for Heaven, as the number of entry applications are on a decline. Yes, that Idea ad has been the main reason for our falling applications. We tried putting hoardings across cities in India with ‘It’s just a f***ing ad, Abhishek doesn’t live in Heaven’ written on it, but it still hasn’t worked for us, people are just petrified by him,” said one guy sitting outside Heaven’s office.

With a plethora of such cases, a team of doctors has been appointed to look into the intricacies of the matter. “Yes, there have been many instances in recent times where people have complained that their friends or family members have shown eccentric behaviour after watching the latest Idea ad,” said one of the doctors.

“We did an intensive study on it and our results show that watching Abhishek Bachchan for more than 3 hours can have adverse effects on a person’s health—much more than listening to Danny Morrison’s high decibel screeching or attending Nirmal Baba’s samagam.”

A neighbour explained, “When he saw Kareena giving such awesome tips to a cricketer (like getting out only to be able to win the game as a runner), he thought he should also do what she does all through the advertisement—drink Limca like crazy. Kripal is a very talented batsman for the state team, but he hasn’t been able to break into the national team yet. After the ad, he thought he had found the right coach in Kareena, and the right solution in Limca.”

For more than a decade, most successful Indian cricketers and celebrities have been rubbing it in our face, drinking Pepsi, Coca-Cola, Slice, etc. on the screen. And so—”Limca has to be the secret ingredient for success… it just has to!” Kripal told us in the hospital. He believes 90% of success in India is due to cold drinks, 8% due to publicity stunts, and a mere 2% due to “approach” and “setting”.

Cold drinks and successful celebs? It was quite an observation and we decided to get the views of the Bollywood diva, Katrina Kaif, who has been making waves with her seductive handling of the bottle of Slice on screen. On reports that the euphoria has led to people all around the country draining Slice on their bodies instead of drinking it, we asked Ms Kaif if the success of celebrities is solely due to cold-drink advertisements. She sported a bemused look and was clearly flabbergasted: “Well, technically, yes. We do owe all some of our success to these beverage advertisements. But, that’s pure business. There’s no science or spirituality involved here. Our success is because of our talent.” Coming from the talented Katrina Kaif, that last statement was definitely helpful enough to answer our question, so we decided not to pry further. Meanwhile the country continues to suffer from Deepika Padukone’s shakes syndrome, which has helped Nescafé register a 335% increase in profits this financial year.

Kareena teaching the cricketer in the ad

Amid the interest he has created outside, Kripal Singh, the victim himself, who lies ailing in the hospital, is however upbeat about the incident. “This media coverage will now get me a ticket to the Team India Camp,” he said hopefully, as tears dropped from his eyes when he spoke this line. Doctors say it is nothing short of a miracle for a man to have survived after drinking so much of an aerated drink. Kareena decided to play a good Samaritan and visited Kripal in the hospital and offered him a bottle of Limca for further encouragement.

Meanwhile MP Kirti Azad has suggested to the Parliament that the whole ad be investigated and it might unearth a big scam. Rajat Sharma of India TV has volunteered to head the investigating team after unearthing the ongoing IPL scam.

According to famous nutritionist Ms Guddy Maruti, the slogan ‘Aur Pyaas Badhao’ is detrimental for cricketers as it reflects higher intake of aerated drinks, which makes stomach denser and severely decreases the dive range during fielding. Also, the carbonated drinks decrease stamina and may result in singles rather than doubles. According to her, a lot of Indian cricketers are having this problem because they endorse aerated drinks and are forcibly fed during numerous ad shoots.

Just as the report was going to press, we came to know of another young cricketer who has refused to drink anything over the past two days to fulfil the conditions listed by Kareena Kapoor in the ad for Limca. He said he would work hard till the actress herself asks him to have a bottle of Limca and he has decided to work on the mantra Aur Pyaas Badhao.

Every prospective bridegroom up for sale must wear a cardboard tag, which states his name and NNGP (Non-Negotiable Groom Price), along with his vital stats: Profile, Company, Earnings per annum, Contact Number and other salient features. There are separate stalls for various communities viz. NRI, Kayasth, Aggarwal, Yadav, Marathi. Each stall is further divided into shops on the basis of professions. The shops featuring IT engineers are a bit overcrowded, but the event has been managed extremely well.

For the convenience of ‘buyers’, digital displays in each stall mention the “starting price” and the number of the available grooms. Continuous announcements are made to lure visitors to the respective shops. One such popular announcement says: “Handsome, 27 year old, Non-Kingfisher—yes, ladies and gentlemen—Non-Kingfisher Pilot! Available just for 30 lac at Shop No. 12.” The NRI stall, the most lavish of all, is proving to be the biggest crowd-puller.

Indian Bridegroom Expo!

The ‘buyer’ parents have termed this an excitingly revolutionary move. Mr. Lachar Malhotra, the quite aged father of Tinky, a B. Com. (Hons.) graduate from Hindu College, said, “It’s a move towards transparency. As it is, things work only this way. Matrimonial ads reveal nothing important. Everywhere it’s mentioned that an educated, well-groomed, beautiful—not to mention fair—girl is needed for so-and-so well-settled boy. But then when I contact them, all they seem to care about is the ‘offer’.”

He continued, “When I ask them about their ‘expectations’, they generally say it depends on me: whatever I can and wish to provide. And when I say that I can spend only 20 lac, (without having a clue about how would I raise the money), they react as if I have insulted them in the worst possible manner. Here, at least, we can make an informed decision which falls under our ‘budget’.”

On the whole, the event ran quite smoothly for the better part of the day. Things became a bit melodramatic when a “spoiled” girl named Pooja came to the announcement stage and snatched the mic from Darbari Lal Ji who was luring visitors for his IITian son.

Fuming with anger, she started shouting in frustration, “What kind of spineless people are you? Yes, I am talking to all of you. Obedient sons wearing price tags, grinning parents behind their IIM graduate products and window-shopping visitors. What’s wrong with you? What good is a manager if he cannot manage his own marriage? What good a lawyer are you, if you cannot argue for what’s clearly righteous to everybody?”

And now she was nearing a crescendo: “And you, the proud and helpless parents, you think you lose your honour if your child marries someone from another caste, but this filthy human market is honourable to you. Why is this barbaric relic still in practice? Why? We are as educated, as competent as boys. In spite of that, why are our parents forced to squander all their life savings so that they can shove us down some ‘well-off’ guy’s throat?”

After that, Pooja’s voice started cracking and she fainted. The mic was taken over by Dhanbhukkad Chand Ji—Chairperson of AIGPS—and he asked people to calm down. He quickly signalled his aides to take the girl and her parents outside the Expo complex. He also blamed the education system for turning the youth “indecent and irreverent”. Post this drama, some grooms left the stalls, throwing their “price tags” away, but things were soon back to normal.

And that was the end to a very productive day. Indeed, this initiative was applauded by many; it is a much-needed innovation for the Indian Wedding Industry.

Author’s Note: It has become a logical step that if you cannot legalize something, you commercialize it—as happens with the practice of dowry in this story. Preventive laws turn defunct. And evil gets redefined as “necessary evil”. Nonetheless, a shameless society is better than a hypocritical one. Because the only thing that is more immoral than one’s immorality is one’s pretence of morality.

This article is by Ravi Singla, and has been edited by Priyanka Mehta. Both Ravi and Priyanka are interning with NTMN in our 2012 Internship-cum-Training Program.

This rule shall assist politicians to swindle public money faster than usual. It becomes the matter of reaching one’s ‘full potential’. It’s the ego factor that comes into play because the label of ‘did not cross the hundred-scam-line’ is quite an insult.

Yes, the tenure will now have a direct impact of the number of scams the Minister involves himself in. If this becomes true, from 2014 onwards:

1. The Government shall be given an allowance of 100 scams or 5 years, whichever occurs earlier.
2. Upon successful involvement in a hundred scams, elections shall be held and the process shall continue thereafter.
3. In fact, completion of 49 swindles entitles the Government to the initiation of a multi-billion dollar project to hit the halfway mark in style.

Voicing against the proposed rule, Kani, a budding politician said, “Our potential has been misjudged and undermined. We are certainly capable of more than just a hundred scams.”

The ECI has drawn up a whole list of such new recommendations which only prove how much corruption impacts our politics. These are with special regard to the contemporary knights (or dreadful cads, as they are popularly called) around the Round Table of India’s Parliament—the place where important decisions regarding important scams are made.

Anna Hazare, a long-forgotten activist, said, “Mera Bharat Mahaan,” before he passed out looking at the breaking news. Although the Lokpal Bill has been a failure, the Government has agreed to provide legitimate information about all ongoing as well as completed scandals to RTI activists as a compensation for the empty stomachs of the Anna contingent. Experts say that this shall help in the prevention of a new scam involving a particular Government’s indulgence in more than the 100-scam quota allotted.

(photo illustration by SataniX)

Some devout leaders—the shining white knights of our country—who believe in the concept of Karma visited spiritual leader Swami Nithyananda to seek his blessings. Internal sources say that a brainstorming session was underway to use the Ashram for routing funds abroad. The discussion on corrective actions to nullify their ill deeds took a dramatic turn when Swami made a suggestion which might change the face of Indian Politics. A reporter who overheard the suggestion given by Swami said, “They have been advised to nominate one important personality from every field of scam that they were involved in.”

Suresh Kalmadi, who has received a complementary Aakash tablet with a data plan, said, “I have been listening to Swami’s lectures and have taken his suggestion seriously. I e-mailed my list of nominees of sportspersons to the PM.”

Unconfirmed reports say that Sachin Tendulkar’s induction into the Rajya Sabha might have been initiated by Suresh Kalmadi along the lines of CWG scam.

(ed. Priyanka Mehta)

Imagine there’s no heaven. Imagine there’s no country. And the world will live as one. ~ John Lennon

We, today, live in a patriarchal society, and clearly, it is not working. It’s worth pondering what were to happen if we lived in a matriarchal society instead. First, what is a matriarchal society? It’s a society where the females are the dominant sex, mainly because of their overwhelming population, enjoying the support of the leaders. So, what would happen?

1. Women will take control of politics: Sonia Gandhi will become PM with no opposition, and will be seen at every important event accompanied by personal secretary, Dr. Manmohan Singh. Rabri Devi will be the leader of RJD, while Lalu will be relegated to mowing the lawns and milking the cows. Mayawati will, well, continue to erect statues.
2. Parents would fear having boys for kids: “Another boy? Such a shame, Sharma Ji! How would you manage the dowry for three boys in this modern world, with such measly income?” Such statements will become prevalent in day-to-day life, as will the ‘male infanticide’.
3. Men cook dinner, women go to office: “Kids, dinner is ready. Come down now, your mom’s home.” or “Don’t forget to take your lunch to work, sweety pie.” These will be the common voices inside the house. Men will go for grocery shopping, take care of the cleaning business of the house, while women would pit their brains on the share market, or find solutions to global recession.
4. Girls checking out boys instead of the other way around: Now, that would be something, wouldn’t it? Buoyed by their dominance and influence in the society, women will be the one doing the stalking. The ‘checking out’ may be of a different kind though. “Look that guy has no fashion sense, look at those boots, total disaster!”, “Eww, does he not have a shower at home?” For this fear of being insulted, men would say to their wives, “Nahi jaanu, raat ho gayi hai, aaloo-pyaaz tum hi le aao, please.” 
5. The rape convicts will, for a change, be dealt with very severely: Because of the physical advantage men would still have and also the desires they possess, there may still be rape cases, although significantly reduced (by up to 80-90% perhaps). The lawyers will try to defend their clients against unmoving female judges, who shall ensure the harshest punishments for the offenders.
6. The story of love will be forever twisted: Women will spend their time trying to woo men, and men will keep on searching for that elusive soul-mate, who will complete them. Millions of songs and poems will be written everyday for the male community. On Valentine’s Day, women will be locked up in jails for hitting on the passing-by single men.
7. Reservation, empowerment and upliftment: Men activists will rise to the occasion and set up ‘Men Rights Associations’, arguing for the place of men in the society, while the leaders will incorporate thirty percent reservation for men in technical institutes.

Men surely had the better deal in this current version, which is why they don’t object to the conditions. Which is why, News That Matters Not has conceived this scenario, to put you into the shoes of the female community and implore you to think. “Would that be a fair deal? No, of course not. Then, why should this be?”

News in Brief:
The highly awaited return of the Prince to Eden Gardens has turned out to be a disappointment, as Dada refused to pad up against his former team. When asked about his reasons, the former Indian captain just shrugged and said, “I just can’t pad up against my home city.”

While this comes as good news to many diehard Kolkata supporters, who also loved Dada, it will be a major disappointment for many, who expected this to be a revenge match of the now Warrior Prince, against King Khan and his Knights. Even the book makers are highly disappointed, having levied large bets on whether Dada would smash a six right into SRK’s face and then wave his shirt around.

So, while the crowd in Eden Gardens will most probably riot as they do best, what will the Bengal Tiger be up to? “I’ll be going down to my childhood barber in Kolkata. It’s been a long time due, this hair cut.”

During the match, Ganguly went to his childhood barber to get a haircut.

Amit Joshi, a third-year engineering student, says, “I support the bike companies! Finally, I will be able to ride my bike above fourth gear!” He shows signs of relief.

Hiroyochi Suzuki, Head of Yamaha India, says, “We feel bad that our bikes are treated this way on such harsh driving conditions on roads in even urban areas of this country! Hiring those Bollywood stars for ads is turning out to be more expensive than building roads. So we would rather spend on building roads first; it will provide our customers a ‘true riding experience’.” Indeed, this new approach is helping them a lot. Their sales have increased by 15% since the announcement.

Car companies have joined the league as car drivers also have been regularly complaining about how bored they are of driving on the Mumbai–Pune expressway all the time. This should be some relief to them.

However, there is support for the dirt biking competition as well. Srinath Iyer, another fellow engineering student, is all for the government’s move: “Our city roads are in the worst possible condition. With so many holes, open drains, dirt, dust, leaves and other obstacles, they make an ideal track for dirt biking. I am with the government this time; I am eagerly waiting for the dirt biking event. I will definitely watch it!”

When asked, government officials replied, “This has been on our agenda for a long time. We didn’t bother about building better roads because we knew one day broken roads will come to good use: dirt biking. Now these bike companies are ruining everything!”

Supporting them, our very sporty Sports Minister Ajay Maken says, “The roads are tiny; most of them are torn apart due to the rains. This would make a really difficult circuit. Don’t forget the cows and dogs! We have designed a special penalty system around them. It’ll be more challenging than the F1 Monaco street race. And this time I will make sure I’m invited to the event, unlike what happened at the Buddha Circuit F1 race.”

Apparently, the following procedure is being discussed:

• A total of 20 racers, 10 from SC/ST category, 4 from OBC category, 4 from BC category and 2 spots are left open for General Classes.
• The selection committee will comprise 10 judges, who are yet to be finalized.
• To help facilitate the event occurring in 9 different cities, traffic will be blocked on regular basis for finalizing the track.
• The responsibility of organizing the event has been handed to none other than Suresh Kalmadi, especially because it is believed “dirt events require dirty people”.

A dirt biking circuit in India does not require much change to be done on the already-existing roads!

Chulbul Pandey, a senior police inspector, said, “This is ridiculous. These bike companies have no sense. Today’s youth is the worst of its kind. Better roads will only make them get involved in rasher driving! Earlier, thanks to the horrible roads, we could easily catch the nuisance makers with our jeeps. Now we will have to update our vehicles!”

While Mayawati wants the winning trophy in the competition to be a statue of hers, Mamata Banerjee wants both parties—the bike companies and the government—to not do anything. Not a surprising move.

Lastly, when approached, PM Manmohan Singh shied away in his silent Toyota Prius saying nothing as usual.

News channels are leaving no opportunity aside, conducting show after show asking people their opinion. With the fate of our Great Indian Roads at crossroads, it would be fitting to revive the words of a great biker, fondly known as India’s Ghost Rider: “The country has lost two generations of young bikers: one couldn’t afford a bike, the next one couldn’t afford a… decent road!”

This article is by Satat Mishra, and has been edited by Priyanka Mehta. Both Satat and Priyanka are interning with NTMN in our 2012 Internship-cum-Training Program.

This is an illustration by Alicia Souza, the marvellous illustrative designer, who has agreed to do illustrations for NTMN. We are sure you will love her fresh and funny and interesting work. You can follow her on Facebook here.

In her reaction, Poonam Pandey tweeted, “Gone are the days when MPs threw mikes and shoes in anger! I’ll just STRIP, baby!”

President, or Rajya Sabha? | However, the still-young 82-year-old Rahul Gandhi told the media that the party was a bit confused whether Pandey could be nominated for the President’s post as well. “The only point of discussion for us in this agenda was where her services will suit more: the Rashtrapati Bhawan or the Rajya Sabha. We will take the final call pretty soon.” Interestingly, just few hours before the announcement, Pandey and her unidentified husband were seen at 10 Janpath, where they met Rahul and his spoilt son, the heir-apparent Raul.

Poonam Pandey seen in full clothes in her early years. This photo was taken in 2011.

Poonam Pandey’s profile | Poonam Pandey is best remembered for her instrumental outside role in India’s World Cup triumphs in 2011 and 2019. Business experts also remember her fondly for her role in Kingfisher’s revival in the early 2010s, which she masterminded by suggesting Vijay Mallya to adopt her own routine outfit (or the lack of it) as the air hostess dress code. With her promise to appear nude for just about anything, but always chickening out in the end, the self-proclaimed “bikini goddess” appears to be the perfect candidate for the perennial “all-promise-no-deliver” Congress party for just about any post. Apart from this, she famously claimed to be the one behind the famous item number “Chikni Chameli”, with the original video of hers titled as “Bikini Hateli”, and still not being credited for the same.

If elected, what awaits her | If she is nominated as the President and wins it, Poonam Pandey’s first responsibility would be to decide the fate of Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab, even though Afzal died a natural death 10 years ago at a ripe age. Afzal Guru’s mercy plea has been pending for the last several decades. If she is nominated for the Rajya Sabha instead, it would be interesting to see how much the government budget will allocate to her clothing expenses.

Why Poonam? | Mind-numbing though this announcement is, we tried to look for reasons behind such a decision. The very famous English proverb Misery needs company is an apt phrase for it. Promising nudity and then getting away without shedding any cloth is an admirable task (especially in India), and such tasks of breaking promises were performed by the Congress as well in their heydays. UPA is a well-remembered calamity where they promised a lot and got away with it for 2 whole terms. In addition, Congress has always been the talk of the town because of its “imports”, and Poonam has always been in the limelight because of her “implants.”

“Monkeys See, Monkeys Do” | Moving on from this we decided to look for the reactions of other parties, and to our surprise we saw this copycat “populist” phenomenon everywhere! While BJP has decided to hold the hands of the ageing Sunny Leone, BSP was found convincing Mallika Sherawat for the same. Before anyone could choose her, Rakhi Sawant declared herself as a representative of Baba Ramdev’s Bharat Swabhiman Party.

Opinions | A Parliament expert told us his opinion, “If what is proposed does indeed come true, the Parliament will soon be a battleground for catfights because of so many celebrities being around. Issues of national importance (such as questions about who is still in rehab, who just got botoxed, who just married a younger guy/girl for the fifth time, etc.) will be discussed with much vigour. Plus, on every other thing, they will promise to sacrifice their clothes to get the job done (like the tradition of breaking the coconut). But of course, they will refuse to do the same later on, on the basis of moral grounds and the RSS after their heads. The good side of this is that India will finally have good looking women at the top post just like every major country have theirs. Our complaints of not having glamorous ladies in politics, like Michelle Obama and Carla Bruni will be over.”

Another expert compared this to Sachin’s nomination in 2012, “This is better than the Sachin nomination. At least Poonam Pandey has enough time to attend the sessions. If you remember, Sachin couldn’t take time out from his busy cricketing schedule of 250 days a year. Whatever sessions he attended, it was only on those occasions when the team returned home from series where they had been eliminated early!”

The Congress is so desperate for any position of power after being ousted by the BJP and others that it is considering her nomination for both, the Rajya Sabha seat and the President’s office, as informed by our trustworthy sources. Poonam Pandey, being a crowd-puller in reality as well as on the Internet, bodes well with the Congress ideals and could in fact serve Congress well in the 2054 general elections.

(headline suggestion and inputs from Tanay Sukumar)

Taking the highly-competitive Indian to a whole new level, a matrimonial website has launched an All-India, All-Caste and All-Complexion competitive exam for aspiring Brides and Grooms. This great service to the youth will now make the future easier for girls who are tall, dark and ugly, and boys who don’t have an Engineering Degree.

Keeping up with the latest trend of fierce competition and marks-oriented judgement, a matrimonial website has decided to conduct AIJE—Another Intimidating and Judgemental  Exam (pronounced ‘aayi-ji!’) to make the process of selecting a life partner even more complicated and biased as compared to existing Indian standards.

Mrs. Sathe, an elite high-caste Brahmin and founder of www.abshaadikiumarhogayi.com announced this decision last week at a glittering press conference held in Sainik Farms. Explaining the idea behind this exam, she said, “The next logical step in an Indian’s life after education is arranged marriage. If the standards for getting a good education are based on marks, then why not apply the same for a life partner too? After all, what is life without cut-throat competition and judgement, hain?”

Amidst approving nods, Mrs. Sathe confided, “When my brother’s wife’s sister’s daughter Kavita, returned from Amrika to find A Suitable Boy, she had to face so many rejections because she was tall, dark and intelligent. It was bringing so much shame to the family. We thought our noses will be definitely cut now, until my son Rakesh—he’s in IIT you know—came up with this superb idea of conducting exams for marriage. He said, ‘Mummy, don’t be so old-fashioned. How can you decide a person’s worth if they don’t have a mark sheet?! You should conduct a competitive exam.’ So all of us elders decided it was time to bring revolution to our country and launch an all-India exam. Once Kavita tops the exam—I will personally coach her—she will find a Husband and finally be able to show her face in public again!”

The exam pattern: Mrs. Sathe and her team of leading matrimonial experts have designed this unique test, which compares the scores and résumés of candidates, and picks out the most compatible pairs. The exam consists of a written round of MCQs with options: a) Yes b) No c) Will ask Parents d) I’m an NRI. This will be followed by Personal Interviews and finally Horoscope Matching. The first round will be conducted online, and the interviews will be held at specialised centres across the country. The test algorithm is currently being coded by Rakesh and his gang of highly eligible bachelor friends at IIT.

An enormous database of candidates has been prepared and categorized according to religion, caste, status in society, package, complexion, height, education, romantic history and many more such vital factors for choosing a life partner. The result of a groom-selection process gives a computer-generated list of five potential candidates.

On enquiring about offering choices instead of the perfect match, Mrs. Sathe answered, “Arrey bhai after all, decision they will only make no? We are very open-minded! We are only eliminating problems like inter-caste marriage and premarital you-know-what. All our recommendations go through an intensive background check and have Pure-Character certificates! All other decisions like shaadi ka muhurat, wedding planner etc. you will only make!”

Mrs. Sharma, bestselling author of How to Find Grooms and Defeat Neighbours, said in a statement to the press, “People all over the country are breathing a sigh of relief! Now no parent will ever have to face the shame of an unmarried child again. Mrs. Sathe is doing a great service to the youth; especially to girls who are tall, dark and ugly, and boys who don’t have an Engineering Degree. They will find a match through this system, without having to go through the pain of rejection and ridicule in society.”

For further motivation, the website has announced scholarships for Top-50 Meritorious candidates, to pay for dowry special incentives and health insurance for future marital disputes like domestic violence etc. Moreover, special prizes like designer saris and all-expense-paid foreign trips for exceptionally bright candidates have been declared.

As Aunty-folk all over the nation are rejoicing, one particularly relieved aunty adds, “I was so worried about my children being single forever. They have gotten all these crazy ideas of love and courtship and compatibility from those wicked foreigners! We are just simple Indians, obediently following our culture. After all, arranged marriages are an ancient Indian custom!”

Outraged her daughter interjects, “But Ma, ancient Indians were actually quite liberal! It wasn’t until—”

“Don’t be too over smart. It’s because of all those books you read! All this Darcy-Varcy is just Western superstition. It has poisoned your mind. You youngsters think you are too modern for all this? I am knowing that nowadays, some Indian boys are having hi-fi girlfriends before marriage only, just like the Amrikans! But beta, afterwards they are wanting to settle down with nice, homely and pure girls only no? Now go practise your Namaste in the mirror. You must top this exam!”

Meanwhile, Rakesh has filed for a patent and is looking forward to marital bliss as soon as he gets a job.

The Marriage Market of wedding planners, brass bands, caterers, Bollywood stars etc. is looking forward to more job opportunities coming its way in the near future. Moreover, a new addition to this community is expected. Former Miss India, Tanya Mishra, has announced her decision to launch coaching classes for aspirants.

After a failed brief stint in Bollywood, Mishra is now engaged to a rich NRI and is considered quite an authority in the field. She explains, “My coaching centre will offer exclusive training in the art of grooming, cooking, personality development, sanskaar, sari draping, etc. This is a great opportunity for me to give back to my country, all the wonderful qualities that had been given to me when I won the crown. I would like to thank my parents, fiancé and Mother Teresa who is my inspiration.”

Aspirants all over the country are gearing up for this challenge and preparations for the exam are in full swing. The AIJE will be conducted annually, starting June 2012. Application forms are available at your nearest place of worship or can be downloaded from the website.

 This article is by Apoorva Tapas, and has been edited by Brototi Roy. Both Apoorva and Brototi are interning with NTMN in our 2012 Internship-cum-Training Program.

“Don’t teach me! You stupid Girl! It’s my life, my choice!
You won’t know the ecstasy KID!” said his euphoric voice.
With a sneer of cool attitude, he seemed in his own trance,
His besotted, congested eyes, scared me at the first glance.

“Don’t call me kid, for that matter! I know how life turns,
I don’t need to put a hand in fire, to know that it burns!
You know smoking is the sole cause of Lung Cancer?
And you are sure-shot safe if you are a non-smoker!

“Of course you know, but you choose to be a learned fool
With a lame excuse ‘Personal choice’, as your only tool.
Listen here Smoker Clan! As early as possible, seek a retirement
To lead a healthy life, we need a Tobacco Free Environment!

Yes! Tobacco free environment!

“So that a foetus doesn’t suffer because of a smoker mother,
So that non-smokers don’t have to pay for the sins of other!
So that your poor lungs, heart, stomach, brain do not smother
So that any depression, BP, asthma, heart attack do not bother.”

Yes! Time for the assessment!

Tobacco free environment, eliminates fifty cancer agents,
Tobacco free environment: hundreds of diseases it prevents.
Tobacco free environment: economic losses sharply descent,
Tobacco free environment: diminishes the risk of fire accidents.

Yes! Need to take individual responsibility!

Smoking is injurious to the health, sounds just clichéd,
Printed warning on labels, no preventive role it played.
To a nation marred by infinite unresolved health concerns
Alas! A matter of “Personal choice” adds to the burdens.

Yes! Authorities need to come strong!

Government regulatory policies as faulty as they ever are,
Chopping the branches, whilst root cause flourishes at par!
Enforced laws just shifted the issue out to inside the shade,
To eradication of the giant problem, no solid impact it made.

Yes! Be self-restrained!

Abstinence from smoking, in your blood, no one can wedge,
Yes! Let everyone resolve for self and drag his own sledge.
Let’s not live and die on a modifiable and dangerous edge,
Let tobacco free environment be a global harmony pledge!!”

He stared at me, bewildered, not knowing, how to get rid!
“Drop that cigarette Bro! And just don’t again call me a KID!”