Team NTMN approached one of the pandits, Pandit Bholeshwar, to grab the whole idea. He said, “The gradual decline in the attendance of people at temples is a matter of serious concern. We have thus arrived at this decision to modernize our ‘Temple system’. We are sure of its acceptance by the public.”

Here’s the entire list of changes that the temples wish to implement in the coming days.

• Pizzas instead of prasad: Instead of the usual aloo-puri or halva for the Prasad, pizzas will now be served by the temples. An additional can of cold drink will also be served for those paying for special VIP entry.

Pizzas now to be served at the Golden temple among others.

• Light and sound systems: New lighting and sound system will be installed in the temple. All the bhajans to be re-recorded by adding the taste of techno-beats and pop voices. Himesh Reshammiya and Pritam have been approached.

• New uniforms for pandits: The attire of the pandits to be re-designed by fashion designers, to match them to the present generation.

• Provision of online daan-peti (donation box): Development of the website of each temple with a special facility of online transaction of money for donation named as “online daan”. Note: The pizza (prasad) will then be delivered to you within 30 minutes.

• On-campus internet facility: Free Wi-Fi facility in the temple premises for the youngsters, to access Facebook and hence encouraging more shares and likes on their pages and groups.

We also approached some people to gather their reactions on this move. Karan Saluja, a college student, said in a jubilant tone, “Wow! Did I hear pizzas? It’s a great move. I mean, now I can save money on my evening snacks; I can visit the temple near my college every evening. And yes, (reluctantly) I can pray there too.”

Meanwhile, it has also come to our knowledge that the two leading pizza chains in India, Pizza Hut and Dominos, have approached various temples with some alluring schemes, so as to fix the deals as “Official prasad partners”. They are even ready to initially finance the schemes and bribe donate some money towards the temple fund.

Also, keeping at par with the current trend from the game ‘Temple Run’, some temples have taken an initiative to start some adventurous games in the temple premises, a move to attract children as well. Further improvements and festival lucky draws are being planned, prizes being i-phone, TV, etc. as the Temple Society of India strongly feels that people need incentives to supplicate their own wishes.

Concept: Karan Taneja

When a spokesperson of Congress was approached by this reporter for his take on this unprecedented move, he said, “Were you one of those that voted for us? Because if you did, you are a prime accused in this case and therefore have no right to question any of our decisions”. He followed this up with diabolical laughter, before eventually explaining, “You elected us. All these scams, they are your fault, not ours.”

Pranab Mukherjee quotes Lethal Weapon

Meanwhile, Mr. Pranab Mukherjee, Honourable President of India ran out of ways to stave off unwieldy questions about this move made by his former party. Unable to come up with any more diplomatic rejoinders, he simply quoted Roger Murtaugh from Lethal Weapon saying, “I am too old for this s#!t.”

Manmohan Singh lashes out…silently

With everyone expressing their own views on this intricate issue, the PMO has conveyed the extreme emotional turmoil of the head of the state. Sources close to the PM informed us  that he is very disturbed by the frequent unearthing of scams. When he was contacted directly he said, “________________”.

“I wish I were HRD Minister for some more time”

Mr. Kapil Sibal, the former HRD Minister also jumped on the bandwagon and pointed out that society can be improved only through good education. He stated that suing the public was part of this large scale educational undertaking. He still wants an immediate charge of HRD Ministry and has assured us of eliminating corruption within a few months – by bribing everyone who wants to indulge in this nefarious activity.

Sonia Gandhi realizes her folly

The BJP, principal opposition to the Congress has seized an opportunity that it sensed in this melee. Citing the many times that Rahul Gandhi had claimed to be a common man himself, they are now pointing out that he is also therefore part of the group that is being sued i.e. in effect, the Congress party is suing one of its own members. As soon this angle dawned on her, Sonia Gandhi hastily ordered a complete overturning of her party’s decision. Arvind Kejriwal, who was busy making preparations for a hunger strike, expressed his disappointment at this one smart move made by the Congress.

1. He wanted to head butt NaMo: And write a bestselling book after. Resignation could have meant limited access.

2. Digvijay Singh effect:  That DS commiserated with him left LKA no option but to withdraw his resignation. In fact, this may actually have been a move orchestrated by a BJP mastermind.

3. Everybody knew: Everybody knew why LK Ji resigned. There wasn’t enough hullaballoo befitting a leader of his status. Even his blog traffic did not improve.

“There were only five reasons. Stop making stuff up.” Advani Ji told NTMN.

4.  Out of pocket expenses: Petrol is up and Rupee looks all set to become a senior citizen.

5. Top of anything, is still the TOP: As the oldest politician in India, he couldn’t resign without at least attempting to break the record of ‘the oldest politician of all time‘.

6. He came back because his party is bigger than him: Previous personal agendas of becoming PM for ‘only’ 6 months are inconsequential now; it was his love for the party and its ideologies that made him reconsider seriously.

7. He wanted to review Yamla Pagla Dewwana 2: The Deols swear by this. LK Ji himself knows that nobody reads a movie review after 6 months of its release, unless written by an eminent politician, and bearing reference to epics a la Vishwaroopam. So, he is going to wait for half a year before reviewing YPD 2.

8. Issue of national safety: As motorcades and armored cars are in short supply, an issue of (personal) national safety may have arisen, especially with the way Delhi (read NCR) starts behaving at night.

9. He REALLY wanted to head butt NaMo: And write a bestselling book after.

10. He was convinced by the RSS’s reasoning: Or surprised by his party’s balls (as was I, frankly).

P.S.: The author sincerely believes that LK ji coming back to BJP will bolster the parties chances in 2014, but this was just too much ‘out there’.

So, a couple of weeks ago when the UPA government completed its 9 years in power, it did so not by hitchhiking on the economic intellect of a ghost of decades past, or on the boyish charms of our would-be future, but purely on the basis of welfare schemes and policies that address the grassroot-level problems of our country. While the UPA government has orchestrated and championed many such welfare schemes, there were some schemes which, despite having game-changing potential, did not see the light of the day because of various logistics and external factors. Here are some of them which you may not have heard of, but may get to know about in the near future:

1. Rashtriya Shaukeen Shauchalya Yojana – A project directly under the aegis of the Planning Commission, it was initiated to provide high-end sanitary facilities to the common man. The first such test facility was constructed in the Planning Commission itself with an estimated cost of Rs 35 lakh. The facilities had all the basic features like titanium-coated urinary blocks and a virtual simulation of Madagascar in front of every lavatory block—probably to make the common man forget the deep s#!t they are in. The scheme ran into rough weather after media reports misinterpreted the facilities; but its less logical alternative of providing proper sanitary facilities to the rural areas have been put in place under the name of ‘Nirmal Bharat Abhiyan’ .

2. National One Night Stand Scheme – Initially launched in Uttar Pradesh , the scheme mandates every privileged would-be/pseudo/quasi representative of the ‘Aam Aadmi’ to find one poor family and put up with them for a bare minimum of one night. The project was intended to enhance the purchasing-power of rural families, as a family would have to buy mineral water and other luxurious amenities to meet the standards of the visiting guests. The purpose of this scheme was also to give the poor families a taste of the good life (and water) which was promised to be delivered to them bubble wrapped. After a much hyped initial launch, this project failed because neither ‘Rashtriya Shaukeen Shauchalya‘ nor ‘Nirmal Bharat Abhiyan‘ was launched, let alone implemented at that time (which inevitably becomes a prerequisite after a night of feasting). But with the general elections around the corner, the man who orchestrated this scheme might again want to revive this, with talks of 3D holographic projections to address more families in one night also being rumoured.

3. Aap Bhi Gandhi Namkaran Yojana – In a bid to encourage good citizens of the country, the Government had once decided to select deserving candidates, and confer upon them the title of ‘Gandhi’. However, unconfirmed reports suggest that the real aim of the scheme was to unclutter the system of nomenclature of government schemes, and to bring in new names other than ‘Rajiv’ or ‘Indira’ for the upcoming government initiatives. More than 450 schemes, scholarships awards, institutes etc. have been named after the Nehru-Gandhi family and the bureaucrats were having a tough time differentiating between an ‘Indira Gandhi Calf Rearing Scheme’ and an ‘Indira Gandhi Garibi Hatao Yojana’. Although the bureaucrats were delighted with the move, the Congress party workers were livid at the prospect of upsetting and annoying so many Gandhis at the same time, with the main voice of dissent being that of Digvijay Singh.

4. Foreign Direct Investment in the Native Porn Industry – In a desperate bid to appease the BJP who has been successful in disrupting all the sessions of the Parliament, the Government wanted to reach out to the opposition party whose three representatives were caught watching porn in the assembly some time back. In an issue as contentious as Foreign Direct Investment(FDI), the Government wanted to make inroads in the BJP ranks with this scheme. But the issue fell through when private players like Vishesh Films, which is owned by the Mahesh Bhatt Camp, alleged that the Government of India is intruding into their domain. As last reported, the Government was in negotiation with the Bhatts and a possible PPP model (Public Private Partnership) might be the future of the scheme.

After the Mandarin was showed as a dim-witted conman in Iron-Man 3, DC sensed it as the perfect moment to swoop  in and offer the character “a more legitimate and completely unprecedented villainous role” in their upcoming movies. They hope to cash in on the popularity of the character, after many fans were left disappointed by the way he was treated in Iron-Man 3.

Mandarin to be rechristened as “Mandarine”

The Mandarin is pissed-off with the treatment in Iron-Man 3.

DC have already tied-down the actor who played Mandarin in Iron-Man 3, Ben Kinglsey to a long-term contract and are planning a new set of movies with “Mandarine” (to avoid copyright issues) as the greatest villain of all time. He will play the lead role and go against some well-established DC heroes in a trilogy of films: “The Darker Knight: Mandarine” , “Man of even more steel: Mandarine” and “The Justice League of the Mandarine” . If his role in Iron-Man was anything to go by, brace yourself Bruce Wayne, you may have a new “Joker” on your hand.

Wonder Woman switching over to Marvel?

Sources report that Marvel are in talks with the Wonder Woman to switch sides and bring her oomph onscreen in the Marvel verse, as a swift retaliation for the Mandarin move. If negotiations are successful, we hear that Tony Stark might get to tango with the newly-acquired Diana as early as Iron-Man 4.

(Inputs: Apoorva Mittal)

CBI team shows up

The 27-floor mansion houses as many as 4 people, and thus security is a key issue. Further inquiries confirmed that the bathroom is the smallest of all bathrooms in the mansion, a possible reason why Mr. Bambani was so difficult to locate. It took three search agencies including the one sent by the CBI, to eventually find the location of Mr. Bambani.

The Bambani’s dream home.

The team rescued a jolly Mr.Bambani. On being asked the reason for his joy, he stated that he was happy because the incident had led to the discovery of yet another hitherto unknown bathroom in the town mansion!

Mrs. Bambani unmoved by the incident

Mrs. Bambani however seemed least bothered about the whole issue as she hurriedly remarked while coming out from an IPL match, “He must have been playing hide and seek in that small place with junior Bambani and ultimately lost his way. Media people are unnecessarily hyping it for it has happened in the mansion.”

New measures to keep such incidents in check in the future

We have learnt that in the past, many of the servants inside the building have gone missing or have lost their way. Some claim they have even been to the ‘Chamber of Secrets’ inside the mansion. Following the incident, Mr. Bambani seems worried and has reportedly asked all the family members as well as the servants to carry GPS enabled devices with them while moving across the mansion. He has also contacted a company to set-up direction boards and help-centres connecting various remote places within the mansion. This has come as a major relief to the 1000+ servant community which works inside the mansion.

(Concept: Mayank Goyal)

This is the story of Taran Kaneja, who got the shock of his life when someone he thought was a “cute girl” turned out to be a “hot mom”. Indeed, true love has no boundaries. It knows no culture, race or age. It exists beyond time. Not everyone can find this true love.

When Taran Kaneja (name slightly changed) woke up early this Saturday morning to go to the passport office, he had no idea that he was in for the biggest shock of his life.

“Cutest Girl I had ever seen”

As soon as he saw her at the office, Taran knew that he had found his soul-mate, his one true love. She was the “cutest girl” he had ever seen. Taran, a student at Yet Another College of Engineering, thought things would end then and there. But then, something unexpected happened. She looked back at him and gave him the faintest smile of acknowledgement. He was in with a shot! With butterflies in his stomach, Taran approached the cute girl to casually ask her out for a cup of coffee. But, this is where this love story ends.

The “cute girl” actually turned out to be a “hot mom”, says Taran. He is currently recuperating from this heartbreak at AIIMS. He realized it when the woman’s five-year-old son ran in from behind her and said to him, “Uncle, uncle, with all due respect, I want to say, take your bloody eyes off my mom!”

Taran’s days have become lifeless, and nights sleepless.

“Why did she have to be a mom?” Taran continued. “Do you know how difficult it is to find a good-looking girl these days? And, I thought we really had a connection there. It’s just like that time I had a crush on Chitrangda Singh, when I first saw her in a movie. She too turned out to be married, and she had kids too. Why does this always happen to me? Can’t I settle down with a very good-looking, well-natured girl from a good family, who earns well, knows how to cook, loves me, takes care of me etc. etc.?”

Parents slam Taran; Girl offers explanation

Taran’s mother was disapproving of his son’s trysts with married women while his father vowed to put him back on track with his hunter, when NTMN caught up with them. Finally, we hunted down the “hot mom” who broke Taran’s heart and demanded an explanation why she did that to the poor soul. She said, “Oh that kid from the passport office? When I first looked at him, I instantly knew he was an engineering student. How? Oh, they are everywhere, and besides, he had that Devdas look about him. So, here’s the deal. I have been looking around for a babysitter for my five-year old son. And this Taran you mention looked like he could do with some extra money. So, I smiled at him and was going to approach him with the job offer, but the next thing I know, he is hitting on me, asking me for coffee, lunch and dinner all at the same time. That is when he met my son. He really didn’t take it well and fell down clutching his chest. I had to flee the scene, you see.”

Meanwhile, Taran’s friends and engineering students from all over India indulged in protests, demanding the legal marriageable age of women to be increased to 40 (50, 60 etc.) We also hear that the “hot mom” finally paid him a visit at the hospital for closure.

Disclaimer: The protagonist (the victim) here is not Karan Taneja.

After Shiva and Parvati decided to put Ganesha in a school to restrain his leisurely activities, they duly filled out the forms, and and thanks to some ‘jugad’ from a tout, Ganesha was able to secure direct admission to the 12th Standard. For college, they had zeroed in on the famous Shri Ram College of Commerce, named after a family friend from Ayodhya.

Lord Ganesha has therefore decided to pursue a career in music instead.

The entire kingdom of Gods waited anxiously for the board results. And, they were all on cloud nine (literally) when they learnt that the kid had scored a sublime 92%, especially taking into consideration the fact that he had not touched his books and notes etc. for over a thousand years. But this joy was short-lived, as he could not clear the cut-off lists of SRCC.

The principal of the college recalls, “This funny looking guy, with six-pack abs and a snake slung over his neck walked in with his son, seeking admission for him. I do not know how they got past the security. I freaked out, but politely requested him to check for his son’s name in the cut-off lists.” At this, he let out a thunderous roar, claiming that his son had scored very good marks, and that he was very proud of the boy’s efforts.

Lord Shiva explained to an NTMN reporter. “This is preposterous! I smell some foul-play here. How can human beings achieve such extraordinary marks that not even a God could scale them? How can the cut-off begin at 98% and end at just 95% over the course of three lists? I will destroy this world. Tell that to your SRCC!”

Later, a fax, which said it came from the God’s office stated, “General Secretary, Mr. Bhole Nath has decided that now, admissions to heaven too will be conducted on the basis of cut-off lists. Exams will be conducted for the same and men and women will be tested on their general awareness about the 33 crore Hindu gods. Mr. Nath has also indicated that the cut-offs may be as low as 105%.”

The fax has sent waves of panic among the more religious of professors and teaching assistants, but the Delhi University VC has dismissed them as “a silly prank by some upset parent”.

(Ed. Punita Maheshwari, Kumar Pratik)

Amidst all this, the Indian government is all set to bring back Indians by the route of water, since using the aerial route for over one lakh people will be as mighty expensive for the public exchequer, as giving Pratibha Patil a world tour. This was revealed to us by External Affairs Minister Salman Khurshid.

New Delhi has shown its discomfort and has branded Saudi Arabia’s act as “diplomatic timidity”. The catchy phrase was later withdrawn by Digvijaya Singh, even though it was spoken by someone else for lack of a valid explanation. Mr. Khurshid is upset over the sudden pressure the situation has put him in, right after the Chinese hospitality he was so deeply involved in. Excerpts from the interview:

NTMN: Mr. Khurshid, Saudi Arabia thinks their own citizens deserve to get jobs in their country before foreigners do. What do you have to say about that?

Khurshid: It is a very narrow-minded stance over the subject. You don’t see other countries like the USA, Canada, UK, make such hue and cry over things like these! We have helped create history in America where a non-white man became the President with promises that he forged on our expense. We know our international responsibilities and our citizens religiously practise them. Taking out a few of them for trivial issues like jobs for your own men is disgraceful. Look at us for God’s sake! We accommodate nationals from all possible countries—even those without a cricket team. Do you ever see us complaining about that?

NTMN: But sir, Saudi Arabia is processing 500 withdrawal applications every day. Why does the Indian government think Saudi Arabia will not be able to meet the deadline of July 3?

Khurshid: Did someone in the government say we think so? I will ask Digvijaya Singh to apologize for the same. We have the deepest regard for Saudi Arabia’s procedural machinery and efficiency. They have used our favourite D/L method calculator to find the number of Indians living there that can be processed by July 3. If anyone enters their territory after the deadline passes, they can be jailed or whatever by the Saudi people.

NTMN: Do you have the machinery to bring so many people back home?

Khurshid: I have spoken to the Tourism Minster, Chiranjeevi garu who is planning to create a month-long swimming gala that will connect Saudi Arabia to India through the Persian Gulf, Gulf of Oman and the Arabian Sea. All participants will not just reach their homeland, but will also get a certificate of participation from the government of Maharashtra.

NTMN: That sounds great. Will any of the politicians be a part of that gala?

Khurshid: We are not sure so far. Internal plans will be decided by our matriarch. But we want to give an opportunity to the Opposition who thinks we don’t include them in any nationalistic missions. This will be the right time for them to connect with the Indian population and understand them better. As a security measure all Opposition leaders will get a life jacket. We are also trying to bring in some celebrities like Medha Patkar and Aamir Khan who apparently speak a lot about water and all. So not only will they be satisfied to see so much water, but also maybe raise some funds for the government.

Unfortunately Mr. Khurshid could not stay with us any longer. He had some baby products to buy at Janpath. Meanwhile, people in the southern parts of India have come to streets condemning the law as “racist”, “anti-human”, “nihilistic”, and what we could make out from a doodle on a banner which an activist carried, as an “Aryan conspiracy”. It is noteworthy that sales of dictionaries and illustrated editions of ancient history have increased tremendously.

With filmmakers getting creative at copying stories these days, Advaita Kala, the writer of the movie Kahaani, has requested the Mumbai High Court to help protect the copyright of the movie’s story.

Devgn’s statement that Bollywood shuffles through only about 10 story-ideas has met with a lot of criticism from iconic Bollywood producers, directors and writers. They feel that Devgn has grossly underestimated the number of stories and there might actually be as many as 15 to 20. The directors and writers of Dus Kahaniyaan have ridiculed Ajay Devgn’s claim; they feel that their film alone had 10 “original” stories, which is why they had to involve so many directors and writers to produce such a landmark film.

Devgn is really miffed about the audience’s lack of appreciation towards old Bollywood concepts.

Producer Sajid Khan has hailed the innovative screenplay of Himmatwala and told us, “I used only about 2 out of the 10 stories in my film, which might be why the critics gave a 2-point rating to Himmatwala, but I make films for the viewers and not critics.” He was referring to the 2-point rating that the movie received on the popular movie review portal IMDB.

Meanwhile, to support her statement that the story is original, Advaita Kala claims that Kahaani’s story is inspired by her own real life experiences in Kolkata. “The idea of ‘patenting’ my story struck me with all the media hype around the rejection of Novartis patent by the Supreme Court. Their attempt to patent a non-discovery was shameful but it got me thinking about how to protect my original story from becoming ‘the 11^th story’ for the likes of Ajay Devgn and Sajid Khan. Why do you think we named the movie ‘Kahaani’, if not to emphasize the originality of the story?”

She was quick to dismiss claims from some quarters that her story was not original either, and was loosely based on a 2007 Hollywood flick A Mighty Heart.

“The patent will help me protect my story so that I can use it for sequels to Kahaani. After all, it’s not so easy to think of ‘original’ stories film after film,” she rationalizes her move and signs off.

Ed. Tanay Sukumar, Ateendriya Gupta

Dear Sir

While your extremely proactive government conveniently forgets about all important issues plaguing the country, busy finding ways to paint the black money white, busy thinking of means to cover up your latest scams, some of us don’t. While you, my dear sir, develop amnesia towards education or more precisely, the lack of it in the country, we don’t.

The PM responded to our open letter with a video-tape of him smiling. We double-checked the volume but it had no sound. The tape was titled “Theek Hai”.

It really doesn’t reflect well on your CV, what with you being an ex-educationalist and all. Anyway, it seems like our top leaders are not really concerned about educating young India; actually, they shouldn’t be, after all it’s easier to fool the uneducated ones. So, while you have been diligently working on various “classified issues”, education standards in our country have fallen to a new low.

Clearly, somebody is responsible. Who? The child who goes to the Government School and finds an empty class? Or, the teacher who never attended a class himself and yet finds himself teaching? Me? Or, Socrates perhaps? No, it’s you. It’s your government, and the lack of sincere efforts on your part to improve this sector.

Hence, it is your legacy that “Village schools” nowadays stand for “Village in schools” instead of “Schools in Villages”. How, you ask?

• Lack of proper infrastructure: A wee bit of cement waywardly spread around a banyan tree does not qualify as a “school building”. How much of your budget funds have built a building in these villages, Dr. Singh? 1 percent or 2 percent?
• Dearth of qualified teaching staff: “Teachers” who spell “Sunday” as “Sundae” or who can’t add two two-digit numbers or don’t know the difference between an “exclamation mark” and a “poorna viraam” simply cannot be classified as teachers! But, we can’t blame you for this eh, honourable PM? Because, you can’t even fix your own cabinet, how can we expect you to fix this?
• Lack of awareness: If parents insist that the child helps them with the farms, instead of going to schools, how would the child know that he/she must go to school? Again, our deepest sympathy for you, for you aren’t even aware of your powers as PM. Surely, an unaware man cannot be the harbinger of awareness.
• No access to quality education: Educating children just for the sake of swelling up numbers and stats falls under this category. But again, you are probably familiar with this, since India too has no access to quality Government!

I request you that if there is any money left after all those 2G, CWG and Coalgate scams, not to forget the latest Vodafone Tax Scandal, please put it in reforming the education sector. Our villages are in a dire need of good educational institutions, but knowing you, you probably are still busy in framing our newest ordinary policy, the ten-thousandth of the year, aren’t you?

Reforming the education sector is not as tough as eradicating corruption, a little more attention and some serious and sincere efforts are bound to the trick. I still believe that you and the leaders in your cabinet are good at heart and there is no deliberate strategy to keep India illiterate, but at the same time there are very less political incentives taken in order to boost up education level.

Watching you go about your work like a mummy on strings and still turn a blind eye towards the issues at hand, it might be advised that you feign night blindness while reading this, or burn it as soon as you are finished. Because, you must realize that you are destroying an entire generation by not giving it access to quality education. You might as well launch a nuclear missile and get it over with! Sir, one need not be an expert to realize that what is happening is seriously wrong.

Sincerely,
A “Mango Man”

(ed. Charvi Jain, Kumar Pratik)

Leading the charge are engineering students, who are credited as the pioneers of “finding easy ways to pass an exam”. Medical students also have adopted the means of offering prasad as a last resort after months of studies, stating that they cannot take the risk of depending solely on their hard-work. Commerce and Delhi University students are known to be simply following the trend. NTMN caught up with Hatash Vidyarthi, a student from Yet Another College of Engineering, who has offered a record amount of sweets and prayers at shrines across the nation.

“I remember it like yesterday. I was playing FIFA ’13 the night before my first end-semester exam. I still had about eight chapters to study, out of the eight-and-a-half in the syllabus. The clock struck twelve, and somehow I instantly knew that I would never be able to finish the course in time. After the divine realization, I started running, and kept running until I had found myself in the nearby temple.”

The ailing God is getting annoyed with each new sweet offered by students

In total Bollywood style, Hatash Vidyarthi rang the temple-bell till his hands were dead enough to “not be able to even lift a pen”. He offered a bag of laddoos to lord Ganesha, and pledged to walk to the exam-centre with bare feet. “Next day, I had the best paper in my life. And that’s how it all started.”

Rationalists and atheists claim that Hatash Vidyarthi is “merely one of the many superstitious people of the world who just want their contagious disease—which they refer to as “faith”—to spread among the masses”. They also claim to have found, during their inquiry, that Hatash actually passed the exam due to chits that had “OM” written over them.

After consuming sweets offered by lakhs of students from the country, God has found himself ailing with diabetes due to excessive sugar intake. He has thus become angry with the students and is said to be thinking about breaking his promise. “There are no Rajas and Kalmadis up here. What do they think we are… humans?!” God is said to have confided this among His friends over a cup of amrit.

Doctors in heaven have warned students and adults to stop bribing God with sweets and promises—both of which have been found to be extremely adulterated, in heaven’s research labs. God is also said to be angry with all the hair that Tirupati-visitors are sending to his house.

Meanwhile, after this news of prayers having a possible adverse effect, Rahul Gandhi and Narendra Modi both rushed to nearby temples and prayed to God “to not make them PM in the coming elections under any circumstance”. Students, on the other hand, still seem adamant to seek short-cuts. They had recently written an application to the doctors asking if sugarfree sweets can be offered to the sick God. The application not only got rejected, but was also returned with a copy each of various holy books and scriptures enclosed, with portions about Karma underlined in ink.

If inside reports are to be believed, the whole scuffle is a prank played by God to get the people to “do the right thing and pray for only what they deserve”.

(concept: Satat Mishra)
(ed. Sugandha)