Dreaming with Dave

2021-09-05T17:49:00.003+01:00

As an alcoholic, I have spent my time in recovery learning. I never want to get to a point where I believe I know it all. How arrogant that would be. Former Czech President Vaclav Havel once said, “Seek those that search for the truth and run from those that have found it.” We all need to be teachable. We all need a sense of humility.

Humility is being teachable. C.S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of ourselves but rather it is thinking of ourselves less.” Humility also relies on a strong sense of gratitude. What we have and who we are is directly due someone or something else in our lives. Ultimately all the gratitude goes to our Higher Power, because if it wasn't for this deity putting someone or something in our life, we wouldn't be who we are.

Presently, I know a couple of gentlemen who have come into some serious money, not because of something they did, but rather through inheritance. Yet, if you talked to either of these individuals you would swear it was because of their financial knowledge that they have what they have.

One is roughly my age. Since I've known him he has struggled to rub to pennies together. In the past he has been very impulsive with money. Very much like a kid in a candy store, he has to have it all. We kind of developed a love/hate friendship mainly because we were very similar with where we were with debt.

The major difference was his debt was self-inflicted. My debt developed through medical expenses. For me, it quickly spiralled out of control. My ex-wife had breast cancer and we were already on a razor thin budget when she started her treatment. In no time at all, my paychecks couldn't cover the co-pays nor her prescriptions. So I started using credit cards to help pay these bills, which in reality, only made matters worse.

Here I was in my mid 50's, with nothing to show for it. A house in need of major repairs. Cars that needed to be in top running shape so the ex could make all of her appointments and take me to work, and I had nothing in the bank. No emergency fund. 401-K? I borrowed the maximum I could on it.

At the same time, this friend of mine was using his credit cards to buy couches, stereos, and other junk, that in reality a person in their 50s shouldn't be so obsessed with. The clincher was his purchase of a towbar for the back of his car. He wanted it so he could haul his boat to the lake to go fishing! All well and good, but he didn't have a method to haul the boat, in fact, he didn't own a boat, in fact, in didn't own any fishing gear! Five years later he sold the car with the towbar! As far as the boat? He still hasn't purchased one, I doubt he has gone fishing anywhere – from a bridge, shoreline, anywhere!

Just a couple of years ago, he was on the verge of bankruptcy. Anyone who knew him kept telling him this was where he was headed, yet he knew better. For a little while he had a little humility. That quickly disappeared when his mother passed away and left him with just under $100,000. The sad part was that she died with him owing her over $30,000. The debt was forgiven by his two sisters, so in fact, he stole from their inheritance.

A new sense of I'm king of the world appeared and he purchased a home. All well and good, yet I question the logic of a person in their 60s purchasing a home? I just look back at my own home adventures. If you are a somewhat good handyman the costs can be kept at a minimum. But all your free time evaporates managing this investment. If you hire someone to do all these household projects, than you will regain your free time but lose your money.

Maybe it's just me but I'd rather spend some money on rent and not worry about managing a house. I find it very freeing not to worry about heat pumps or water leaks or anything else. Just a phone call away is the landlord and then it becomes his problem.

I will say the guy did follow a bit of my advice and saved some money. He put it in a long term CD, which doesn't have the greatest return, but at least he is trying. Yet just a couple of years later and he is moaning about how tight money has become.

Through it all I have never heard a word about paying his sisters the money that is rightfully theirs. Through it all I've never heard a word how hard his folks worked to make his life more comfortable. At 60 years old, he is living for the first time without the safety net of his parents money. He has got it all now and when that disappears, which I'm sad to say will happen, I wonder which one of his sisters will support him.

He worries about his legacy, yet he has no humility to try a clean up the wreckage of his past. Humility would have given him the gratitude to see how much he owed his parents. Not just for his inheritance, but also the unconditional love they showed him since his birth. In theory, the humility that started it all would have taught him that he needed to change and rely on his Higher Power for guidance. That the largest enemy to becoming the best version of himself... was in fact... himself.

Forget the illusion of power, forget the competition, forget the material. Instead focus on the growth that comes with humility and gratitude.

What Is Life

2021-03-22T15:26:00.000+00:00

Life Is Good

2020-09-13T15:42:00.001+01:00

Harry Going Squirreling

2020-05-10T16:23:00.001+01:00

To Be A Child Again

2020-05-08T11:00:00.001+01:00

Harry's Selfie Adventure

2020-01-22T18:48:00.001+00:00

Freedom on Christmas

2019-12-26T14:32:00.001+00:00

It has been awhile since I’ve sat down and wrote anything. Since I closed the website down I have been just working. As far as writing, I’ve been refreshing my batteries. When I closed Creating Dreams, I envisioned this blog to become a new voice for my writings. No longer trapped by what “needed” to be written, as far as putting pressure on myself with the Steps or Promises. If I wanted to say fuck – I could and my audience wouldn’t be hurt or misled by the premise of the site. Even though, I posted odd nude photos on the site, I never really crossed the line to erotica, which I could do on the blog – if I so wished. If I wanted to post a nude of myself, I could do that on this blog – if I wished. Those thoughts gave me a compelling feeling as to what this blog could become. But up until now, I just haven’t had the energy to write much of anything – until now.

In England, it’s Boxing Day. The day after Christmas. A national holiday which gets as much attention as Christmas. For me, it means another day off from work and a time to reflect and be sad with thoughts of how I have treated people and how people have treated me. On Facebook, I received wishes for a personal milestone, yet no wishes from some people who I helped raise.

I’ll freely admit that I was a horrible dad when I was drunk. With sobriety I made amends to every child I hurt and tried to the best of my ability to rebuild bridges between us. It hurts when my building is sabotaged along the way. Even then I’ve forgiven them for the pain they inflicted on me, yet my forgiveness is never respected with an apology.

Years ago, one child wanted a change of living circumstances, so they concluded the best way to do this was to go to the police and say I was abusing them. Not only did this affect my life, but also the life of my ex-wife and her children. I gave this child the change of life they wanted and now a decade later they still have never apologized for the emotional pain they inflicted.

I used to send financial gifts to some of these children and their children and not once did I ever receive a thank you. I finally surrendered to the thought that no matter what I did it would never be enough, so why even try?

I shake my head thinking that if they knew how comfortable my life has become (financially) that they would be calling me everyday. As much as I would love a relationship with them I won’t buy it.

So here I sit on Boxing Day, grateful for a wonderful wife and our not so little ginger cat, working on my final year of immigration before I can get a permanent residence card to live and stay in the United Kingdom.

Just writing this has me feeling free. Free from the immaturity of others who should know better. The sad part is that the cycle will not end. Alcohol has deep roots in my family. My parents were drunks and treated me like shit. Then I became a drunk and treated them like shit. And treated my kids like shit. Sadly my sobriety has not changed things. My kids are doing what I did as a young adult – treating their parent like shit.

As for me, the money I used to give them I now give to The Salvation Army to help other families have a joyful Christmas...

Out of control inner child

2019-09-24T18:44:00.001+01:00

Posted this on a forum I belong too. Wanted to save it because of the "wholly trinity."

***************************************

Seriously? Come on Bill, you just avoided going bankrupt for the second time. You pushed your student debt back onto the taxpayer and now you’re ready to spend again? SMH. You’ve mentioned in the past that you have a problem with spending, yet you’re ready to make a major purchase less then a month after acquiring a windfall? Why not try something more productive for your own future growth? The reality is that this is your last chance with having any form of savings… any form of financial security.

Why not leave the money in a financial institution for a year and learn to live on just what you earn? It will teach you the value of a dollar and help separate wants from needs and if you truly need something you will work for it. It is also very freeing to know that money is there but that you can live without it. If you can do that for a year, then do what you want with it. I bet if you did that for a year you’d realize that having it in savings is relaxing and it didn’t disappear or burn a hole in your wallet. You’ll gain some self-respect and see that the things you want can be gotten with patience and a plan.

I’ll let you in on my major plan. I want to buy a house boat. I want to live on the English canals on a boat. It is a very relaxing laid back lifestyle. I’ve been researching it for over a year and right now I could get a pretty nice one with cash. Then I’d need a simple source of income for mooring fees and insurance as well as upkeep. I can easily do it right now. Instead my plan is to wait a couple more years. During that time, I’ll still be researching it and saving more money. If I do it right, I can live on the water for ten years with no worries about any fees or insurance premiums.

It will be more rewarding to me when everything happens because I worked for it and earned it and so can fully enjoy it. The rest is just pscyho-babble which has helped me, hopefully you will read it, if not, no problem, I need to see it myself every now and then…

***********************************

Every person has three “beings” within them. In me, I call it my “wholly trinity.” These three characters are my inner-child, my inner-parent, and my inner-adult. Now imagine all three are on a bus riding across the country. In a healthy person, the inner-adult is riding the bus. He is managing every curve, watching uncoming traffic, and obeying the speed limit. Behind him, sharing a seat is the inner-parent and the inner-child. The parent has his arm around the child’s shoulder, and pointing out everything on their journey. He pointing to the beautiful mountains and the lovely lakes. The child, with eyes wide open is enjoying it all, realizing he is safe and free. This is a wholesome and healthy inner-family.

Now imagine the opposite – an unhealthy inner-family. The child is riding the bus, the parent is in the rear of the bus ignoring the child, reading the newspaper, while the adult is yelling at the parent to take charge. The child doesn’t care about curves or sped limits or anything else… everything he wants, he wants RIGHT NOW, no matter the consequences. When “stuff hits the fan” the child cries and whines that it isn’t his fault. The parent hides behind the seat, and the adult tries to protect the other two by pointing fingers at everybody else, instead of accepting any responsibility for the child’s actions.

The conclusion is that the child is never wrong. We all need to have dreams, yet it is the responsibility of the parent to say no to the child and to be a parent and not a friend. If the parent can do that then the adult can ride the bus knowing that everyone has a place and everyone is responsible within their place.

I spent the majority of my life with my inner-child riding the bus, going from one disaster to another. Form unemployment, to homelessness, to addiction and alcoholism, to finally finding financial security and peace.

A Decade Of Change

2019-07-06T17:06:00.001+01:00

Ten years! Seemingly a long time, yet in hindsight a very short time. Ten years ago, I was deep in debt, going through a divorce, contemplating bankruptcy and very much ashamed of how my life turned out.

At 52 years old and besides having a small 401K I had nothing to my name. I was cash broke and asset poor. While I owned a home, the two mortgages against it made it virtually worthless.

As a recovering alcoholic I only have one thing in my life that I guard as much as my sobriety and that is my word. My debts were the mortgages, medical bills, and credit cards. Everyone of these debts I gave my word that they would be paid back. It was only this word of mine that stopped me from bankruptcy. So somehow I had to find a plan to get out of debt.

The first step was getting rid of the biggest debt I had – the house. I wrote a letter to the mortgage company and told them that I was walking away from it. That the house was theirs – to do with what they wanted. I did this to actually save a little money on court proceedings and eviction.

Within a year the house was sold and I owed a now manageable $9,000 on the shortfall from the house. Over the following year I paid that off as well as the penalties owed on taxes.

By leaving the house, I left behind a $564 a month house payment and found a $250 a month small apartment. I got rid of cable TV and lived with rabbit ears on the TV and watched other shows via the Internet. Instead of a 40 mile round trip car ride to work, I now had a two block walk to work, saving more money.

Being 52, it was time to start some kind of a savings account. My first one was with my checking account. I rounded up the checks I wrote and rounded down the deposits I made. It was a very small way to save money but it served another purpose. It stopped me from bouncing checks. At $35 a shot, the savings added up quickly. I haven’t balanced my checkbook in over ten years and haven’t bounced a check in that same time. While my account may say I only $10, the truth is I have over $500 in it, but just seeing that $10 in my ledger stops me from going overboard on spending.

Anyway, after the house was settled the rest of my bills fell into place. So many people worry about their credit scores. Let’s face facts, your score is already shot or you wouldn’t be in this predicament. I used this to my advantage. Instead of paying 10 different bills every month, I just paid one and I put every cent that was available for the other bills into paying just on that one bill.

I always paid on the smallest bill first. I didn’t care about penalties or late fees. I just remained focused on one bill at a time. Within three months, I was down to eight, five months I was down to six. The bills were disappearing and I began to see that I still had money in my wallet a day before payday.

I started a real savings account and kept paying on my bills and after two years I applied for a new credit card, since all my old ones were closed down. It was now time to start repairing the damage created by my reckless behaviour with money.

Ten years ago my credit score was 385 – can’t get much worse. By 2016, it was 725 – can’t get much better! I went from losing two credit cards with a line of $4,000 and both maxed out, to having five cards and a line of $16,000 and not one dime in interest ever paid on any of them. A nice savings account was built and an emergency fund that would take care of me for 28 months, instead of the suggested six months.

In 2016, I left America and moved to England, only to realize that the credit systems are entirely different. So once again, I was starting over. But the time in America taught me how to live on money alone and to not rely on credit. For three years, I lived with only cash and survived quite well. In January of 2019, I applied for a credit card and got approved as a very high risk customer. Which was fine with me. I learned how to pay of these cards in full and on time so the high interest rate meant nothing to me. Now in July, I applied for a second card, with better rates and now rated as a lower risk. I got approved for that as well. Now with two credit cards, a nice savings account, and a stable job, I’m feeling a sense of accomplishment that I wished I learned years ago.

At the age of 62, life is comfortable. I know I’ll never live the high life in retirement but that’s OK because I have learned how to live a comfortable life with a lot less. All of this happened because I wanted to keep my word with my creditors. All of this was possible because I tuned out the outside world with their thoughts on money and made a plan that worked for me.

That plan didn’t involved credit scores or penalty fees. It involved a program similar to my sobriety. Instead of staying sober a day at a time, I worked to get out of debt a day at a time...

Swallowed Alive

2019-06-28T13:53:00.000+01:00

I've been doing some reflections on my past and it just amazes me how much fun I thought I was having. It was carefree and at times pretty harmless... but everyday I played these harmless games a little bit more of me was swallowed alive.

The path of recovery is littered with folks that lost their battles to alcoholism and addiction. From high school car crashes to overdosing rock and roll stars... we all know someone who lost the battle.

Which makes me grateful for a second chance... as well as humbled wondering why I'm not in the ground...

I was helpless... I was powerless
I was sad... I was alone
I was out on my own

Alcohol and drugs
relieved the pain
thought I was at peace
really quite insane

Homeless... sleeping under bridges
eating from dumpsters...
stealing to stay alive
sometimes wondered
if it'd be easier just to die

A line of coke
and a can of beer
for awhile it made the pain disappear
No will to fight... no end in sight
might as well held a gun to my head
this ain't life... better off dead

Everyday... the same story replayed
but the finale always stayed
story lines and people may have changed
drunk every night... with suicidal thoughts
an end to the nightmare is all I sought

That was the past
the memories though... I hope last
that's right... I don't want to forget
stay in my mind... firmly set
no way I want history to repeat
can't feel comfortable relaxing in a seat

The Burning Bush - The Poem

2019-06-28T13:41:00.001+01:00

sneaking into a dumpster
looking for yesterdays scraps
it's a matter of survival
food not found
but... a treasure awaits
beer for this alcoholic

pop the lid... raised the bottle
withdrawals... cold sweats
hell will shortly disappear
the aroma fills the air
approaching the lips
then... then time froze

behind the dumpster
a white... light... warm figure
palm's facing out
tears flowing from it
words flowed into the mind
"please no more"

bottle falling from hands
recovery started... glass smashing

More thoughts to ponder

2019-06-28T13:15:00.001+01:00

"Oh Lord, I ain't what I want to be... Oh Lord, I ain't what I oughta be... Oh Lord, I ain't what I'm gonna be... But thanks, dear Lord, I ain't what I use to be..." - Heard at an AA meeting many years ago and told it was
The Slaves Prayer

A busy mind, is a sick mind... A slow mind, is a healthy mind... A still mind, is a divine mind
- Native American Spiritual Centerness

A long timer once told me...
"If you don’t remember the consequences of your last drunk... then... maybe you haven’t had it yet."

Who's Eyeing Me?

2019-06-23T06:26:00.001+01:00

Early in my recovery, I began a journey of looking at all the religions as well as the ancient mythologies.

As you can see, I have a very strong bond with the Native American beliefs, but before
that, I found a strong fascination with the Gods of Olympus.

The video is called Who's Eyeing Me? and it's a story of those gods and how they have
entered my life.

East vs West

2019-06-22T22:20:00.003+01:00

There is so much joy to be found in learning the different ways the western world functions compared to the eastern world.

The images below are from the book Peeling The Sweet Onion by Martin Segal and gives the western view.

Then below is another image with thoughts by Vietnamese Reverend Tran Binh Trong.

Some things to ponder

2019-06-22T20:42:00.001+01:00

Mohandas K Gandhi once said,

"It is the duty of every cultured man and woman to read sympathetically the scriptures of the world. If we are to respect others' religions as we would have them respect our own, a friendly study of the world's religions is a sacred duty."

Confucius once said,

"Do no harm to your neighbors, as you wish not to be harmed." A political and social statement that almost 500 years later was changed to say, "Love one another as I have loved you." According to Jesus Christ this is the greatest commandment. Said in many different ways, it is the belief for Love in this life, rewarding us with the Hope of eternal life.

Powerful Message...

May I keep an open mind especially on spiritual matters, remembering that "spiritual" is a bigger word than religious." I was born of the Spirit, but I was taught religion. - From the meditation book A Day At A Time CompCare Publications

Seek those that search for the truth and run from those who have found it. ~Anon

I Am I

2019-06-22T20:32:00.004+01:00

If I am I because I am I
And you are you because you are you
Then I am and you are.

But if I am I because you are you
And you are you because I am I
Then I am not and you are not.

~Rabbi Mendel~

Recognizing Codependency

2019-06-22T20:29:00.001+01:00

A lot of codependency looks very honorable to the outside world. They see someone taking care of a sick spouse and see it as an act of love... but when does this giving love turn into receiving abuse? There are so many extremes with it that a person quickly loss their own identity.

I have gotten so involved in making the life of another complete, that I have lost mine. The image below is a chart with the extremes of codependency while the middle shows the traits of a healthy relationship.

Humiliation

2019-06-22T15:47:00.003+01:00

somewhere in the humiliation
there is a sense of excitement
it's the thrill of the chase
to be caught
tied up in emotions and feelings
beyond our control

to willingly be forced
to look inside
and find something
released through insecurities
the humiliation... throws away
our childhood boundaries

the anxiety leads to fantasies
illusions never dreamed before
at least... consciously
locked doors blown away
to a new world
providing a freedom to explore

a new journey begins
following someone else's rules
agreeing to the humiliation
which over time leaves
and acceptance follows
filling the soul with peace
"I'm OK"

Finally Walking Together

2019-06-22T15:35:00.001+01:00

never thought you'd see the fantasy
it's led to a little insecurity
a part of me has been revealed
the secret has been unsealed
ashamed of what you might think
my ego began to shrink

you didn't laugh...you didn't cry
wasn't sure what was going on inside
kept quiet... someday... I thought
you'd want to talk
but you played some games
the fantasy was now driving me insane

hot as fire... cold as ice
at times angry... at times nice
you'd walk away... than let me in
didn't know if I sink or swim
couldn't just walk away
wanted the fantasy to stay

I know it's pure insanity
please God... please help me see
the child that's buried within
wishing to be free from this sin
tonight I'll pray that you'll set me free
so we can walk together... You and me

So Ill.. So Sick

2019-06-22T15:31:00.000+01:00

so ill... so sick
spit in the mirror
at an image that won't go away
fell into a trap
thought it was love
just... dysfunctional needs

a need to feel power
to be in control
to be a hero... your hero
a show of strength
providing protection
from this evil world

a need for your acceptance
a wonderful high... your approval
over time... this need
needed more
more approval... more love
more acceptance

yet... got less
fantasies were lies
love was manipulation
to fulfill needs
dysfunctional needs
so ill... so sick

Struggles

2019-05-11T14:49:00.000+01:00

I wrote this poem in memory of a lady I met through my ex-wife. She battled breast cancer for eight years. Every time she thought she had it kicked, it came back stronger... but she kept fighting until sadly she surrendered and left this world. To me she was an inspiration as to what people will do for not only themselves but their family and friends.

Some new faces,
While some are no longer here.
Others - seen many times before.
Tonight, we'll forget our fears!
For a little while, we'll forget time.
Relay For Life, will occupy our mind.
For a little while, we'll forget the tragedies.
A celebration! Is all everyone will see.

With the first lap,
Caretakers and friends,
Relive the fight.
Survivors get cheers from everyone.
Memories of surgeries and chemo,
Still fresh in our sight.
And we realize, the battle,
Is still not done.

This war has claimed many lives.
We'll never forget,
The ones who came before.
It was their strength,
That opened new doors.
Their fight, made us a little stronger.
And we'll wait... together...
For a cure...
A little longer...

This poem is on the Purple Power CD

Physical Scars

2019-05-10T15:05:00.001+01:00

Having went through the therapy of mouth cancer, parts of my mouth went through hell. My neck was burnt red from radiation, my tongue felt like it would break in two, and my teeth starting falling out shortly after completion. It was the loss of my teeth that damaged my confidence more than anything else...

If you try to see who I am
your eyes can deceive
cancer has disfigured my body
you try to understand
how chemo made me ill
you have empathy
seeing the burns from radiation
while you may have sympathy
you try not to gaze…
at a head… with no hair…

You don’t see my soul
it’s OK, I understand
I live in fear…
of every cough, sniffle, and pain
you can’t see how I strive
to be independent
never a burden
cancer did a lot of things to me
but it didn’t steal
my dignity or grace
it didn’t steal my love
for my children or my spouse
cancer may have changed me
but it will never own me

This poem is part of the Purple Power CD

One Simple Test

2019-05-09T17:31:00.002+01:00

the doctor said it would just be a simple test
but it ended… in a day of nervousness
an x-ray would show a mass
doctor wanted a biopsy… real fast
now it was a waiting game
but in an eerie silence… we knew
our lives would never be the same

at home… our love and courage was strong
which made the wait for that call…
not seem so long
after a week… the phone call finally arrived
we headed to the clinic… what a long drive
outside… it was a beautiful day
but in that office it seemed dreary and gray

that room was so quiet…
you could hear a pin drop
when he finally entered… I felt my heart stop
he sat down next to me and my wife
and with his words… I shook and saw our life
“I’m sorry, it’s cancer,” he would say
I didn’t know whether to cry or run away

he talked of our future plans
where surgery… would be our line in the sand
after recovery we’d start our attack
chemo would begin pushing cancer back
but we were far from done
radiation… would burn those final cells
before they could run

this cancer battle started with a simple test
when diagnosed… I felt blessed
it was a gift my wife gave our family
to start these tests at age 40
I’m thankful she decided to have them done
I know now… the war against cancer
can be won

This poem is part of the Purple Power CD

Our Heroes

2019-05-08T18:20:00.001+01:00

a nasty word which brings fear and fright
involving many sleepless nights
a word we never wanted to say
we wished it would just go away
but when it wouldn’t leave
it was then… we realized the gift we received

your strength was easy to see
it gave courage to everyone… including me
analysing every surgery… every test
so many sleepless nights… so little rest
we looked behind every door
but answers came when we prayed to our Lord

the reality is… you’re a survivor…
with the fight to live
using all available gifts God would give
you’re our heroes we say with pride
thankful… to walk by your side
tonight we celebrate and honor you
and remember everything you’ve been through

as children we fantasized about being
Superman… Captain Marvel,
The Green Hornet, or
maybe even the Karate Kid,
but for everything they accomplished
it’s nothing compared to what you did

showing us the battle against cancer
could be won
and our time together was far from done
the Bruce Wayne’s and Clark Kent’s
will come and go
but you have shown us…
there are real life heroes

This poem is part of the Purple Power CD

Celebrate, Remember, and Fight Back

2019-05-07T16:03:00.001+01:00

let's celebrate... it's your time
you're proof things can turn out fine
chemo made you weak and frail
but you didn't quit... you didn't fail
we celebrate and honour you
your determination carried us through

let's remember...
those that have been called home
they're with us today... we're never alone
memories... when you were under the weather
as well as the great times we spent together
thinking of things we used to do
through our tears... we really miss you

let's fight back... the war is far from done
but there's hope... cancer's on the run
visions of a cure... are looking great
we're seeing increases in survival rates
what a beautiful world I hope we see
everyone living cancer free

we'll celebrate... remember... and fight back
we'll laugh... cry... and stay on the attack
your courage is what we'll see
your strength set us free
we know now... this war can be won
and our time together... is far from done