In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.

As usual, the team scored precisely 23,145.0 runs in a perfectly precise execution of baseball. The nine-inning romp included an average of 642.9167 home runs by each of the nine electronic players as the team extended its league-leading record to 3.91*10⁷⁵

Facing an unprecedented $9 billion budget shortfall, legislators in Olympia are scrambling to find new sources of revenue to sustain the drunken spending spree of the past four years.

Now thanks to some quick thinking by Senate Majority Leader Lisa Brown, cuts in popular programs such as after school basket weaving for inner-city toddlers will likely be avoided as an oppressive tax on an unpopular minority heads for easy passage.

Today The Naked Loon is proud to introduce our very own advice column "Question the Kostyra," in which Naked Loon Living Editor Martha Kostyra will answer your questions about life, relationships, and which espresso stand is most deserving of your valuable patronage.

If you have a question for Martha, just fill out our handy contact form to drop her a line. Today Martha dishes out her wisdom to a pair of distressed Seattle-area readers.

After having houses languish unsold on the market for over a year, the marketer of Grove Cypress, a 15-home development in south Snohomish County, has discovered the key to finding buyers for the remaining $500,000 houses: street balloons.

"We've tried banners, flags, sandwich boards, arrow sign wavers... the works," said Ron Freeman, Grove Cypress lead marketer. "I think the balloons will really do the trick."

At the conclusion of a specially-convened 48-hour summit this weekend, the United Nations narrowly passed a resolution declaring an official end to the worldwide economic crisis.

The resolution states that if the complete and utter collapse of the world economy refuses to cease all its financial destruction programs and allow UN inspectors to verify the termination thereof, it runs the risk of bearing the full brunt of further resolutions.

In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company within the city limits.

"As the economic crisis continues deepen, Kirkland simply cannot afford to be marred by the destructive connotations associated with layoffs," said Kirkland Mayor James Lauinger in a prepared statement.

BELLEVUE, WA — 38-year-old Joe Millar of Bellevue experienced a satisfying surge of adrenaline Friday upon his discovery of Twitter, the so-called "micro-blogging" internet service founded in March 2006.

When he received the new account email from Twitter, Millar was completely overwhelmed by a totally undeserved sense of tech savvy. According to internet experts (i.e. teenagers), over six million users managed to discover Twitter before Millar.

Every week, tens of thousands of Seattleites find themselves facing a familiar situation: the weekend is fast-approaching, and they have absolutely no plans due to an unfortunate combination of social anxiety disorders, crippling agoraphobia, and a complete lack of spending money thanks to "the economy."

For those readers considering turning yet again to the old standby "sitting at home alone," here's a look at what you have to look forward to.

Today at noon Eastern, in a magnificent ceremony overflowing with more majesty and splendor than a human mind is capable of comprehending, President-elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the forty-fourth President of the United States of America, ushering in a new age of eternal peace, prosperity, and oneness for all mankind.

As preparations for the crowning achievement of humankind finally come to a dramatic climax, tens of billions...

You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

With something like eleven out of every ten companies in the Seattle area laying people off these days, it's probably about time for those of you who still have a job to plan your layoff apocalypse survival strategy.

Intrepid Naked Loon staff members have endured a grueling schedule packed full of interviews with firing managers, library visits to scour the internets, and hour after hour crunching HR statistics—all to help you keep your job. Aren't we great.

Friday's news that the Hearst Corporation will cease all printing operations at the Seattle P-I if a buyer for the paper is not found within 60 days shocked journalism enthusiasts across the Puget Sound.

While some crazy rumors have circulated that the impending closure is due to the fact that the paper has been bleeding money for years, The Naked Loon has obtained an exclusive interview with a high-ranking Hearst executive who reveals the real reason for the sale.

Illinois' incoming junior senator Roland Burris' no holds barred brawl with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid drew over one hundred and eighty million viewers Wednesday, with political beatdown enthusiasts from every state in the nation tuning into the brutal five hour match.

Political observers were treated to the first such fight in over one hundred years thanks to an obscure Senate rule requiring disputed seats to be settled in the boxing ring.

Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels' extended his recent streak of secreting pure, unfiltered awesomeness on Wednesday by officially declaring Seattle as the "Number One Bestest City in the Entire Universe—For All Time."

The bold call comes hot on the heels of his proclamation that the city's response to the Colossal Blizzard Whiteout of Aught-Eight deserves a "B," widely considered by critics to be his most delightfully bizarre move to date.

Every 30GB Zune on the planet broke down this morning in a massive worldwide software freeze. Even here at The Naked Loon we were affected. In order to provide continuing, up-to-the-minute coverage of this important worldwide crisis, we are proud to present the live 30GB Zune webcam below.

Washington State Republicans filed suit in Superior Court Monday against an advanced weather-control laboratory, alleging that the cloud-seeders' promised snow storm arrived in western Washington nearly six weeks too late.

According to court documents, the WSRP contacted Spokane-based Storm Science, Inc. in April, contracting their services to generate a "winter storm of epic proportions..."

As brutally low temperatures and relentless treacherous snowfall beat down on the Puget Sound for the sixth consecutive day Thursday, weather soothsayers prophesied a sustained assault on the Northwest with icy blasts and perilous precipitation continuing into next week.

According to local officials the Dismal December Discharge of Aught-Eight has already resulted in three trillion dollars in lost productivity in the city of Seattle alone.

Enforcement agents from the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) put a sudden and decisive stop to a flagrant violation of intellectual property rights in the Bothell area on Tuesday.

The RIAA legal department—which makes up 97% of the organization—learned of the notorious "Northshore Christmas Biker" thanks to a tip from Citizen Rain, a Seattle-area community blog operated by KING 5 Television.

Stupid bugs. They think they're so much better than us. Always lording their six legs and their wings and their thoraxes over us.

What gives them the right to crawl on my dirt, and fly through my air? Nothing, that's what.

They're so arrogant; they act like they own the planet or something. Like as if just because they outnumber us humans 42 billion to one, they think deserve some kind of respect. Not hardly.

Thanksgiving just happened again and no doubt there are several Puget Soundians out there that have moved to the "winter" belt already.

Well fear not dear readers, for with the help of the ever-vigilant Naked Loon, you will not remain out of shape forever. As your host for this series, I intend to do everything in my power to ensure that we will all live a long, full life without ever having to hear the phrase "whale man" ever again.

In a press release Thursday, The Walt Disney Company announced the launch of a new "scared straight" service for naughty toddlers that will debut in seven markets across the country, including Seattle.

"Our proactive and highly efficient business model bypasses the usual parental notifications," said the statement from Disney's corporate office. "We locate misbehaving children, scare them straight, and then bill the parents afterward."

Nearly one week after attending a big family get-together in the Portland area, 20-year-old Burien emo Nathan Peters is reportedly only halfway through the process of emotional detox.

"It's just so much to try to handle all at once, you know?" Said Peters. "All these happy relatives and so-called friends that have oh so much to be thankful for that they feel the need to mercilessly rub it in my face for three days straight every November."

Meteorologists at the University of Washington issued a warning to Pacific Northwest residents Wednesday for an extreme weather system this winter.

"We have recently weathered both El Niño and her little sister La Niña," said UW meteorologist Stan Cooper. But the danger looming on the horizon is far worse. "Citizens should prepare for the worst this winter as Basura Blanca, El Niño's drunken neighbor, hits the Northwest in full force."

Citing an "economic booby trap of elephantine proportions," President-elect Barack Obama urged Congress yesterday to pass yet another costly and ultimately ineffective "stimulus" bill as quickly as possible.

In response to the very utterance of the world's favorite bureaucrat, stock prices surged in yet another record-setting rally—an undeniably positive sign that experts say signals an end to the economic crisis for the seventeenth time in the past six months.

According to a series of recent radio ads, Jesus Christ—Lord and Savior of all mankind who died on the cross for our sins and was raised again on the third day—is primarily interested in granting His followers the easy life.

"In this fast-paced world," begins one ad, "it's easy to lose sight of what's really important ... your life."

As one of his final acts in office, President George Bush signed an executive order earlier this week, expanding Washington State's already crippling $3.2 billion projected budget deficit to a mind-boggling $5 billion.

In addition to personally wrecking havoc with Washington State's budget, Bush also signed orders that would force Boeing to begin laying off thousands of employees in 2009...

After months of hype and non-stop gamer salivation, Redmond-based software giant and Puget Sound economic savior Microsoft released their New Xbox Experience (NXE) Wednesday.

Inquiring minds want to know: is NXE deserving of all the excitement? Will NXE solve all your problems and do the laundry for you? Should every single person rush out right now to buy two, three, or even fifty-eight Xbox 360s in order to fully experience this shiny new Xbox update?

Ahh, winter. That glorious season of 8-hour daylight, bitterly cold nights, endless rain, and obligated time spent tolerating relatives. What's not to love about it?

Of course, there are some people who tend to get down in the dumps as winter rolls around, and even though the staff here at The Naked Loon is "insensitive," "detached," and "evil," we're not the type to rub our winter-blues-immunity in others' faces.

Is it just me, or is it boring in here? I mean, ever since Election Day, life has been so... bland.

It's almost like nobody even cares anymore about how evil the Republicans are. Where are the heated discussions about all the freedoms the Republicans have stolen from us? Where are the echo chambers where I can meet with other self-righteous liberal zealots to sing the unbridled praises of Obama?

In the wake of historic prosperity and financial abundance, residents of Seattle are begging, pleading, and petitioning the city council for massive hikes in taxes and fees. In response to the citizens' increasingly vocal requests, the city council held a special session last Friday to discuss existing taxes and fees that can be raised and new sources that can be created.

"Raising fees and taxes is ordinarily the last thing we would want to do," said Council President Richard Conlin...

As flood waters began to recede Thursday on the Snoqualmie and Tolt rivers in east King County, baffled scientists are attempting to understand the strange unpredictable phenomenon that caused hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage to area residents.

Dozens of homes, businesses, and roads were flooded this week in what scientists describe as "a bizarre and incredibly unlikely combination of events."

Following a dismal fourth quarter report which saw profit tumble by 97 percent, Starbucks has announced a bold, multi-faceted plan to reposition itself in the harsh economy through a combination of in-your-face customer service, excessive begging/pleading, and illicit drug use.

Although delusional CEO Howard Schultz appears to truly believe that the company is in better shape to weather rough economic times following a year of violent layoffs...

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the walking-dead government-owned mortgage-finance companies, announced Tuesday that they will accelerate their anti-responsibility efforts with a new accountability elimination program designed to cut financial obligations for struggling debtors.

The mortgage giants will target loans in which borrowers have given up paying back their mortgages for three months or more and have debt obligations that exceed fifty percent of their monthly income.

Eighth District Representative Dave Reichert was hospitalized Monday, as the increasingly heavy burden of being the sole Republican hope in the Seattle area finally became too much to bear.

The stunning news came even as vote counts in King and Pierce counties extended Reichert's now comfortable 13,000-vote lead in his re-election bid against Darcy Burner, a former Microsoft executive middle manager whose impressive credentials include a degree in economics computer science.

Reacting to the continually worsening economic situation, television networks have unveiled dozens of new recession-themed shows that will replace struggling series mid-season.

Among the new entries to the winter lineup are comedies such as "Everybody Loves Ramen," "30Cents," and "My Social Security Number is 078-05-1120."

With a flood watch in effect Thursday night for most of the Puget Sound, it is important to prepare your home to weather the storm. But don't be fooled, preparing for the onslaught of fall and winter rains doesn't mean you have to sacrifice good taste.

Here are a few tips to help you weatherize your home with elegance and flair.

Obama is the Christ

Congratulations America. You finally did something right. You elected Barack Obama—the embodiment of all that is good and virtuous—as our great nation's president.

Barack Hussein Obama is the Antichrist

Oh no. No no no... America, what have you done—WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

I can hardly believe this is really happening, but the American people have indeed just elected Barack Hussein Obama—the Antichrist as our president.

As striking machinists returned to work on Monday, Renton-based Boeing engineer Mark Waring took a celebratory day off, to reward himself for achieving a major life goal: finally reaching level 50 in the web-based game Defend Your Castle.

After many hours of intense labor throughout the machinists' strike, Waring finally was able to break past level 42, which had been the furthest level he had been able to achieve in the previous three hundred games.

On the eve of the big election day, political enthusiasts throughout the Seattle area are hunkering down to prepare for the inevitably nasty post-election fallout.

The 2008 presidential election, like the six or seven elections preceding it, is quite possibly the most important election in most voters' lifetimes. With heightened emotions and a simmering rage boiling just beneath the surface on both sides of the nation's political scene...