Naming Demons

Dead things in the kitchen

2016-07-02T11:57:00.000-07:00

When I was a child, or during my growing at home rather, I became familiar with the carnage in my kitchen. It was little a mini slaughterhouse, filled with all sorts of animals, being butchered and packed away for the winter. To some families, this was common. Our family, however, was obsessed with carving and gutting and eating every single portion of an animals body.

Fish

We ate filets, whole tail ends of fish and even the head. The eggs were fried in homemade batter and given to the children. Fish bones made stock and guts were great for the dogs. Scales were dried and could be made into things like...earrings.

beef and pork

These animals were butchered down to the last drop...of blood. Pig ears, snouts, tails and intestines were packed away, pickled or boiled. The entire head was boiled and ground into tiny peices which was then formed into souse or hog's head cheese. Beef tongue was delicious, or we learned to appreciate the acquired taste of it. Fat was congealed to form strange cakes. My grandmother would eat spoonfuls of fat while laughing at the dinner table. The freezer was packed full of various animal parts. Sometimes we picked a mystery package and cooked a meal.

game

Venison was a traditional form of protein. We could butcher as much as 6 of them during one winter...maybe more. Their back strap would be sliced into the most delicate and savory steaks. Battered and smothered in gravy, they were perfect at breakfast with buscuits. Hind quarters were good for stews and roasts, as long as you removed the bullets and bone fragments.

Squirrel brains were treats for me, mostly. I was teh cute little girl and it was fun for my father to watch me crack open the squirrel skulss with a spoon and eat the brain and tongue. The brain tasted like liver and the tongue was springy and tasty. Legs and breasts were battered and cooked slow in a pot with gravy. This could be done with rabbit too.

Turtles were for soups mainly, all but a few peices which were fried. Possum and raccoon could be portioned in the same way and preserved for the winter months. I didn't really have a taste for those animals but I loved to keep the raccoon tails and wear them in my hair.

My kitchen was used to butchering things and the huge freezer in the corner was always packed with a smorgesbord of animal parts. Once, someone left the freezer unplugged and the meat went bad. It was one of the worse smells I have ever encountered.

But we killed more and we butchered more and we cleaned the freezer.

Then it was as if nothing ever happened. We were rather self-sufficient.

Raven- the one with the other

2015-05-08T22:24:00.001-07:00

She told me so

2013-06-29T20:29:00.001-07:00

“So how does it feel to be a wish?” she asked me as she leaned in and pursed her lips.
I couldn’t speak as my throat was dry and I had cried the whole night through.
“Listen dear, we are all wishes as some time. You have to be strong and find the love you have for yourself. Those who wish, do not want you. They like the idea of you.”
This statement hurt me, although it shouldn’t have. My chest heaved and the tear welled. I thought of the sweet lies and the reasurances of what I was supposed to believe. I thought of all the times I had heard these words before…and yet I fell for them over and over again.”I know…I know.”
She sighed and leaned back again. she was so very frustrated with me at this point. She didn’t like to have to tell me this over and over but she did. Placing her hand over her face, she deflated. “Oh, I am so sorry…I feel your hurt, your sorrow as if it were mine but I cannot heal you. I cannot save you from yourself.”
Her words rang true but yet to me had no meaning. All I could see, feel or taste was this thing called love…which didn’t exist. I was such an emotional creature. I was such a fool and she felt so sorry for me. She wanted to fix me, to heal me to give to me strength but she knew I had to find it on my own. My tears fell suddenly…no jerking, no twitching–just rivers flowing down my cheeks onto my breast. I did not move.
She looked back to me and raised up in her chair. Her wings were now blue…as blue as could be. I saw her dark eyes and her little fangs but knew she meant me no harm. I watched as Spirit stared into me, offering me strength she knew I could not take…but offering it none-the-less.
“I hate doing this over and over. I hate being alone and not being able to feel.” I wiggled in my chair–arms crossed.
Spirit looked at me and smiled a sad little smile and spoke. “You know they do not love you at all. You know you are a fantasy…nothing real…nothing to them at all.” she took my face in her hands and kissed my cheek. “I am sorry, but love is not reciprocated…and if I remember correctly, you said you would love regardless.”

I looked down at my hands that were impatiently grasping each other…desperately looking for something that would prove the faerie wrong..but she was right.”I had loved in vain and allowed myself to get lost in the feeling.”
She smiled at me and opened her arms. “Come…come to me again and I will protect you from them. I will keep them from you.”
I looked up with pools in my eyes with lips trembling and watched her spread her wings. I felt her need to fly. I felt her love for me…someone who was always there for me. I exhaled so deeply in finality. I understood the truth as hurt washed over me again. I heard the sweet words and i caught my breath. I knew she did not lie to me.
I stood and reached out for that part of myself which wore the mask. I reached for the truth I knew.
Spirit smiled and the smile told me that she had kept her promises to me. She would always be here.

Read more: http://authspot.com/thoughts/she-told-me-so/#ixzz2XfsVMDh4

147

2013-06-17T19:41:00.005-07:00

2009

It wasn't that I liked what I did, no. I was a very selfish person who wished to survive and to find happiness where she could. To me, happiness was like falling leaves and I danced beneathe them madly. I cared not what color or what shape those leaves were born or made into. I only cared, at that time, for myself and whatever it took to make me happy. My children made me happy, these cyber men made me happy and Mary made me happy...this is what I thought of and this is what I thrived upon for that time in history. I grew increasingly strange and livid as the time approached that my husband would end my happiness with my newfound life. I loved him...oh, how I loved him. I loved him beyond what any of you could ever understand. I resent that fact that when you read this, you may think that I had no love for him nor respect for him serving his country...and you are wrong. Just because I was no longer in love with him, did not mean that I would not fight wild animals for this man. See, words play tricks on your mind in this way and so many see love as one thing and one thing only. The word love is so mixed and perverted until it loses all sense of meaning to some of you. We were friends, Venum and I, and why wouldn't we be? For 17 years of our life, we raised three children, lived through the death of two more and we raged against everything. He was a beast to me and I had become that beast. I had taken from him what I needed to survive whether it be unorthodox or whether it be quite normal...I took and absorbed what I needed. So why shouldn't I love this man? I knew and loved him more than most people who have walked this planet in exception to his mother and father. There are others perhaps; who have seen things which he never revealed to me and now I know that to be understandable. But my love never ends here...it only changes. I will leave...I am just waiting for the right time...and I will forgive...as I would have him to forgive me. To understand or to not understand...it is no conern of mine if you do not....after all, this is just another story.

2009

I ran with the wolf; through the forests of night. The raven overhead chattered and cawed as it kept up with our brisk pace. I stopped, just on the crest of the hill and squatted down for a better look of my surroundings. Everything was alive underneath the moon's wise and watchful eyes. I saw the trees swaying gently in the breeze from the coming sorm. Oh, how the wolf loved the storm and it's wildness...but he guarded himself closely when the storm would finally come upon him. Wolf came up next to me and licked at my knee where the barbed wire had cut me. He growled beneathe his breath and I heard his words.

"You must be careful miss...I cannot bear to see you hurting. The storm is coming. Don't you think you should go back in?"

The Raven laughed at the wolf's silly words as he perched upon my shoulder.

"You are such a fool wolf, you worry like some old decrepit lady. Let her alone...let her ride the storm on those silly fairy wings." The Raven smiled and I knew he smiled because I felt his darkness bloom within my soul.

This is how it was...sometimes, within the forest of Illyria. They would nip at each other forcing the light and darkness to clash until the pressure burst into some cataclysmic shower of the stars. I would turn my face toward the heavens and feel the shimmering fairy dust fall all around me. I would watch the fireworks as the Raven flew away again...wolf bounding back into the forest. They always left me...left me to what I had taken from them. I learned and I gravitated toward myself...more and more....becoming something...different.

I was Spirit but Sherrie was close by nurturing the darkness for me. Anna's soft still voice was comforting me from her short distance within my mind. She told me to be still...remember to calm my heartbeat and my soul. And then, as soon as we were three...it was only me....Sherrie. Something happened that night...upon the crest of the hill in Illyria, my make believe enchanted forest. I became one for just a moment. It was a moment in time that I did not remember since being a small child.

Something, somewhere was holding me still.

I was alone and this is where I made my stand.

2009

Have mercy..oh have mercy and have forgiveness. It is said that if ye seek forgiveness for your sins, you must forgive others of their sins as well. Even if the sinner has sinned 70 times 7...or something of that nature. No where have I seen that you must live with them....for if you have been betrayed only once, God has given you the right to end the union in which you have cultivated and nurtured.
I was prepared now. I waited in that house on the day that my husband would return. I made a vow with myself that I would not relent. I would not bow down to the anger in his voice, I would not take another blow and I would not accept another betrayal until I was free. No matter what happened, I would stay true to myself.

I had not given up my love for two of the men...the Raven and the Wolf. As time would go by, I would let go of the earthly love and disolve my part in their wrong doing. Whether they changed their ways or not, I would never know. Only once, after walking away from the wolf, did I speak to him again...but it was never the same. After all...I do have a heart, no matter how misguided or twisted it might be....I want what is right. But I feel the tug of something, a feeling of familiarity but different somehow.....some thing that pulls me together and forms me in stillness. I feel the tug of something that heals me and makes me one person...but at this point in time, I thought it was just a magnetic feild. I would dream every night off something which came to me and whispered soft words into my ear and would tell me to fly. I would shush that voice and try to keep my focus on the task at hand. ONe step at a time...I would tell the voice. When the voice disappeared, I would hear Spirit and Anna arguing about how they were trapped and unable to speak with me...contained. I would dismiss their silly ramblings and set about to preparing for my husband's return.

And so, it was...

146

2013-06-16T19:11:00.005-07:00

2009

Halloween

Venum came home for a couple weeks and he was different....I was different. We would look at each other in a weird way and then carry on with life. Venum met Mary and he seemed to think she was cool. We would have bonfires and cookouts to celebrate the fact that Venum was home for a little while. I seemed cold and he seemed cold as well and that was not to be helped. He was fighting a war in a foreign land while I was waging war with myself. I know that none of you could understand the similarities in this but there are some. I do not question what he went through and I could never understand the horror that he witnessed. I did not see the dead (But only did I see the dead and talk to the dead and live with the dead inside.), not did I kill anyone (slowly killing myself..slash by slash and burn by burn)...I am sure that he did these things. I did not suffer alone with my atrocities of war as he did (I was always with three...me myself and I). But, to me, I suffered in my own way hating myself and destroying myself with my drinking habit, my sexual sins and my self hatred. I looked at him and I saw a stranger and when he looked at me...it seemed that he saw a stranger as well. In fact, he asked me why I was so different and what was wrong with me. I would always tell him that nothing was wrong and he was just imagining things. I knew that I was going to leave him but I would not tell him then. I wanted him to have a clear head when he went back into battle and so I tried to make things seem as peaceful as they could be.

Venum came and he went and I do not remember much about his stories or the time that we spent between deployments. Venum left on Halloween night to return to Afghanistan. We traveled to Memphis and went to the airport. I said my goodbyes and the kids said theres as well. It was a sad departure but I felt a little numb at the same time. I knew that things were changing and there was nothing that I could do. AFter Venum left, me and the boys went trick or treating in the neighborhood around my aunt's house. I didn't want to go inside, I just wanted to roam the streets all night...in my little black fairy costume.

I stayed out long after the children wanted to go inside, it was cold and bitter...bitter as my heart. I just wanted something great and powerful to come and tell me what to do. I felt like crying and hiding away within the night. I felt the horror of my emotions...of that feeling that I could not change, that I could not contain...I felt the horror falling out of love with my children's father. I looked at their faces knowing that they had no clue as to what I would have to do. My heart sank to new levels of darkness.

2009

And I was alone again with my children, my friend Mary and my three inside. I found them plenty of company for the time being. I do not remember how Christmas was spent but I do remember giving the children all that they wanted for Christmas. I started explaining to the men online that my husband would be returning soon and that I had to find a way to communicate with them without his knowledge...because, my heart would not let them go. One of the guys whom had grown very close to me had decided to cut me lose because his wife had caught him talking to me twice and she had offered up an ultimatum for him. It was either let me go or she was getting a divorce. Of course, he did the right thing and told me that it was over between us. It was hard for me and I cried many nights thinking about our friendship which was gone forever. Then, I started to do other things to occupy my time and to not think of the 'frog' ...or that is his animal spirit. I had grown very close to the frog and his soul was entwined with mine. He was always the precious sub who needed his dominant woman to guide him during the sexual encounters that we would have via webcam or on the phone. There would be no more phone sex while he was on his lunch break, there would be no more web cam sex while sat upon a pepper grinder and rode away while doing squats....(he always loved that one) and there would be no more dark scenarios of commanding him to fuck the hell outta me in the 'make believe cemetary that we always dreamed about. It was over for me that frog....and it ripped at my heart.

But that was life and life wasn't fair.

2009

During the winter I grew closer to the Raven...one of my writer friends who taught me things that I didn't evn know about myself. I knew who the Raven was and I knew his other....as I have mentioned before. During a drunken episode, the Raven told me that he loved me but it was the other who spoke these words. I always ever thought that his only feeling toward me was of curiosity but I was wrong.
I found the RAven perched upon his branch one night and there I sat and listened. I listened until he came down to me, pushed me over onto my stomach and pounded my ass in love. I felt his hands grip and tug at my flesh as I screamed...I screamed in pleasure and I desired more. The RAven gave me more of what I wanted and then he gave me things that I didn't even know that I desired at all. But I was impatient and within days, the Raven had flown away out of frustration. I flew away as well...in the other direction.

Every now and then....I would find the Raven but he was dark and brooding. Out of fear of his rejection...I left him to his devices and his secret plans.

But I still love the RAven...I love him still....because the heart cannot be overruled. In this I have found no closer...and as with many things...I would find no closer. I think that maybe a lesson here would be that sometimes things will never be explained and we shall have to accept that fact.

2009

And that left him...the one who brought me to climax many many times...whether early in the day or deep within the night...to songs....poems and just his lyrically beautiful words. I knew that things were going to change as my husband came back home but I did not want to lose them. I loved them...I loved him...and I loved the others. I did not see my week without the orgasm given to me at lunch time with various objects such as pepper shakers, cucumbers and popsicles. I could not imagine my life without my cyber lovers and so I wept whenever i thought about how I was to lose them soon.
I enjoyed every day...every moment until that fateful time that I would have to hide them from my husband. I hated to lie...oh, how i hated making a story to hide the truth...but there comes a time when you have to lie or you will lose your mind. There are just some things that you cannot give up without giving up your very soul.

2009

He would be coming home soon I was frightened. I would never tell anyone how frightened that I was , but I was in dread. I didn't want my life to change and I did not want to be manipulated. I had grown strong since Venum had left and I was very unwilling to give up that freedom that I had found. I saw his arrival as being a death to me of sorts. I knew that If I gave in to him and his ways, that I would lose me completely. I knew this as sure as I knew the sun would rise, as sure as the oceans were full of life and as sure as I was part of three...the spirit, the dead and me.

I waited and I waited...digging my nails into the palms of my hand. Day after day the time grew near. I began to cut again...first the arm and then my stomach. Even my cyber lovers saw my cuts and grew angry with me. They asked me why I was so scared and I tried to explain my dread to them. They just told me to be strong and not to give in to the pressure. I talked to Gringo(my lil bro, FRank) and I begged him to help me. He told me that I had to just man up and be a big girl. He said it was stupid for me to hurt myself and that I should find a better way to let out my frustration. He was drunk and so he was not very kind in his reprimands. When I got off the computer, I cut four lines into my forearms and cried myself to sleep.

Spirit starte to rage about my impending containment. She was angry and sought to make me grow angry as well. Anna told me to be calm and not to take things so seriously. She said that I should wait and take it one day at a time until he came back. Anna reminded me that I would not know what to do until the time came. Her little cold hand gripped mine and I knew she was very near and very strong. For a moment, I saw Anna standing very near me. I smelled a strange and clowing perfume coming from her apparition. I reached out to touch her cheek and she smiled.

"I am here for you...when the time comes. I will be your strength and sense of direction."

I squinted my eyes to better see Anna's form but then she disappeared. I wanted to talk to her but she left me.

I was alone....Spirit was even gone. It was just me...me and my razor blade..and so I cut again. Then finally, i fell asleep.

145

2013-06-16T18:32:00.007-07:00

2009

I stayed drunk every night and for every night, I hung out with my international friends on the internet. Most nights were spent letting Spirit run amuck with the other writers of the forums. Some times, I would have a webcam job to fullfill and other times, I was chatting with friends that I had made the past year. When I had reached the height of my drunken state, I sometimes would be in fights in the forums and having debates with others. Mostly, I would avoid the most serious fights because of my fear of being intellectually inadequate. Once or twice, Damian would wake up and catch me dancing drunkenly on the living room table. Once he even posted a pic on facebook of my inebriation. I would wake the next day and do it all over again. During this time, I gained weight because I was not going out much, not having real life social interractions. I became depressed as Sherrie and utterly uncontainably joyful as spirit. The members of the church came looking for me after I started to miss worship services.

Eventually, I stopped going to church altogether and felt that my internet family cared much more about me than anyone else....except my children, of course. No one loved me like my children did. And so, I let them meet certain of my friends from online...the ones who were not too wild for the boys. On a couple occasions Damian played xbox with a friend from Arizona and he also helped solve a math problem with a friend from Kentucky. My online friends were impressed by my children's intellect and I was proud of their accomplishments. I told of all their accomplishments when talking to my friends.

But I was falling into a dark and depressing pit while only spending my time online. I saw that I was becoming highly addicted to the computer and so I took a break for a while. This did not last long and I was back at it again. While my friends online helped me to find and fight for my freedom; they also contributed to my weight gain, reclusiveness and my lack of outside social interraction. This, I found posed a problem to my sanity as much as having three personalities threatened to do.

2009

Anna sat at the back of my mind and twiddled her little fingers. She watched me grow more independant as the days went on. She would smile weakly and then stand up to show me the logic in all things that I was delving into. Some times I listened to Anna and some times I did not. I had found out that her family had found her killer and I wondered why she stayed with me. I asked her if she knew about the facts behind her murder and she told me that she knew everything and yes, she knew that they had found her killer. She entered my thoughts more deeply and spoke a secret to me then. She said she wouldn't leave me until she knew that I could handle this on my own. I agreed and let her go deeper into my thoughts. There she remained and there she helped me to sort out my feelings and my mistakes. I tried to convince myself that Anna was a fictional part of my mind, a twisted form of my personality...but then she would say something that made me think otherwise. One of my friends from online named Shell would tell me about how I was having delusional epidsodes and that it was just a part of my disorder. To her, all things supernatural were just too hard to fathom...she being more of a science gal and an atheist at that. I respected her opinion and so I took Anna with a grain of salt from then on. This made her very sad and she would weep within my mind. My depression grew worse.

2009

I met a woman named Mary and Mary was wonderful. I had been looking for another job to replace the one that I had lost. Venum had been sending emails wanting to know if I had found a new job yet. I kept calling jobs and filling out applications online but nothing seemed to pan out. I found an add for a Health and Wellness advisor and so I made the call.

The woman who answered the phone introduced me to a line of health and wellness products which I had been familiar with before. At first I really thought I had hapt upon something akin to being some sort of instructor or coach; but the job was more of a workshop type deal where you introduced new health products in hopes of selling these products. The ladies name was Mary and I was supposed to meet her to learn of the new job. I made plans to meet her at Stokes (the local grocery) and there she would explain everything to me.

I met her and she explained all about the business. She said that I could go to workshops with her and watch her do the job and make the sells. After a while, she would let me start with the business on my own. I was happy with this and so I agreed to go with her and watch her do the work. Spirit became irritable and I told her to shut up. Anna said that this might work out for me if I put my mind to it and Sherrie just moaned a little and introduced herself more thoroughly to the lady. Mary smiled and hugged me right before I left.

I knew that Mary was different but I had no idea that she would become one of my best friends. She would meet me...all three of me and she would still love me and not be afraid of me. I would not creep Mary out and she would make me feel welcome in her home. ON many occasions, I would fall asleep in Mary's arms and yet, we were not a couple....we did not love like that...in that way. I had just found a true friend, a friend without conditions and a friend who was not ashamed to be my friend as well.

2009

I started to tell Mary of my relationships with the men online. She actually had the opportunity to talk to one of them when I was in her home. I told Mary about the way that I felt and how I was unfullfilled by Venum. I told her that I was looking for love and that I had become confused in my wanderings...which I had. I found answers to things as I talked to Mary and Mary talked to me in exchange. Mary was single but she had been seeing at least two married men and she was having a hard time changing that about herself. We both agreed that what we did was wrong...yes, I only talked to these men on the internet while Mary had relations with them in real life. Thing was, we didn't really see any different between the sins that we both committed...well, not much difference because it had to be classified differently. We talked of how the men made us feel...how they talked sweet to us and made us feel special but then they went back to their own lives and left us empty...this they did. We laughed about the fact that we did not rule the holidays--this was for the wifey. We talked about all the days that we were sure of not having the men's attentions...these including holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas....also other such related holidays. In the end, we understood what we were...we were the 'other women' and we really had no stand in their existence...but we were okay with that. When things would happen in that aspect, we would comfort each other, drying the tears and holding each other till late into the night. It was a strange perspective...this other life was and it was something that I would have to face when my husband came home. I didn't know what I wanted in life, this was certain but I did know that I wanted my happiness.

Mary and I traveled every day making flyers, doing workshops and just being together. We talked of everything that revolved around the men and the women we knew. I joined the business and learned the company. I worked while the kids were in school and found solace in Mary. I wish I could say that with Mary's help, I reached a conclusion and an answer to all my shortcomings but I did not do so. In Mary I learned many things and grew in odd ways but I never grew to understand the ways of the human being. I must say, I did learn a new perspective on life and I began to feel something strange for these men that I talked to. I realized that they may have loved me in their own ways but they could never love me in the way that I wanted....and so I grew stronger and started to look at them differently. I never stopped loving them but I learned to take what I needed from them leaving them with peace. I never ever felt an envy or hatred for their loved ones. I actually learned a newfound respect for the women who must live with these men. My love never died, nor did it turn sour....I weeded them out and was left with only a few men that I felt loyalty toward. I loved them until they said it was time to go and then....I gave them up...all but two. These two were the hardest ones to give up and the ones who held the most of me.

Mary knew and Mary held me deep within the night when neither of these men would be there. Sometimes, they never came to me for a weeks time and I felt as though my soul would die. I realized that I had fallen in love...in love with those men that I had never met.

I had reached a new level of pathetic insanity. Even Spirit seemed to be in love as she sat on her mushroom and swayed back and forth under the stars.

What had I done?

the wounded human animal...

2013-06-14T10:06:00.001-07:00

2009
For those who wish to view my blog; it is important that you go back to entry number 1 or just before that one to understand the meaning of this story. This is the story of my life and every horrid thing that has stuck in my memory. On this journey, I have found more and more and will be filling in the blanks over time. Revisiting this blog would be beneficial to understanding the nature of the beast, the course of the sickness and the path of the lost.
Thank you

144

2013-06-12T20:29:00.001-07:00

2009

I never intended to try and take anyone's place. I knew these men, but how well I knew them was possibly questionable. I listened to their problems and they opened up to me...at least some of them did that. When they would open up to me about their problems, i refused to join them in their criticism because I felt that it was not my place to do so. Even though, at times, I brought these men pleasure, I still did not choose to downgrade their lives without me. I was simply the daark faerie. Sometimes I think I may have only been entertainment for those who were unfulfilled, bored or just disfunctional. I think that is why I question others of their true intentions so much of the time. Sometimes, when getting to know these men, I did not know if I was simply a fantasy for them or if I was more ...if I really had substance. I imagined that when they turned off that computer, I did, in fact, disappear.

There were flip sides that I learned from my adventures in web cam modeling. I learned that maybe those other women whom Venum had been with ..maybe they did understand things about him that I could not. I saw things from different perspectives and I saw things as someone else. I saw as the daark faerie...then I saw as Anna in her hopeless logic. My views changed rapidly and I even grew jealous at times of others who were online with my male customers and male friends. I then would take a break, take a step back and realize what I was doing. But it grew late in my musings and I fell in love. I fell in love over and over with them...they were beautiful to me. They were beautiful because they bared their souls in the way they wrote and the way their eyes met mine. I saw there deeply within that we were crossing lines. Things would get complicated but I could not undo what was done. I could not unlove what I already loved. It was an exotic and enduring disease.
I never hated the wives as some women do. I never wanted to take things from them that was rightfully theirs. I only wanted to love their husbands because my heart told me to. I wanted to bring happiness where happiness was needed. I never really fooled myself into believing that I could do anything differently or better than was already being done. It is just he pain in their faces, their eyes and the sorrow in their voices...and worst of all...the emptiness in their typed words. These things hurt me and I just had to try and make it better. When they hurt, I hurt....when they were sad I could not stand the pull at my heart strings. But I was never under the impression that I could do any better than anyone at all. Through these men, I learned to love the ones who loved them. It was strange but it was real. There were secrets but there was never ever ill intent nor ill will for the sanctity of anything. I saw freedom as pure freedom and it was so contagious that I wanted these men to know what freedom was because it was happiness. When the conversations lasted well into the night and when my fingers typed away...when I lay naked before my computer screen while one of my beloved would sing a lullabye to me...I even fell asleep while they watched me. From thousands of miles away, the ones whom I loved and shared with another would watch the sunrise while I brought myself to pleasure for the third times in hours. Finally, when neither of us could stay awake any longer, we said ttyl...but never goodbye. Do I feel guilty...yes. Do I regret what I did...no. For I would not have had it any differently.

And so I grew to forgive Venum but I was not going to stay with him. I had fallen out of love with him and I knew that. There was nothing I could do. These men heard my story adn they stayed with me as long as I needed. I was their sweetheart, their baby, their princess and cinderella. I have heard these names before and when I hear them again...I smile. They are embedded into my heart as terms of endearment...as love. I have heard cutie, and darling and my little fairy...and these simple things leave a sweet taste in my mouth and a skip to my walk.

In my dreams, I stay warm by the fire of my heart.

143

2013-06-11T20:31:00.003-07:00

2009

I awaited the time that I was to be face to face with this thing. The Trionders were there...always. I looked to them for my solace and balance. Within the fatasical world of writing and the forums, Spirit cavorted like a mad woman. She had decided that her place was to rule the forums...Triond and whatever forums she hapt upon. She was deliriously happy to say the least and she went from writer to writer...cyber fucking and owning her victims. She was amazing and she was free. Outside of the forum, she was much more dormant than before...oddly satisfied with her ability to vent and enjoy her magical world. And her world became more real as I wrote the descriptions of her magical realm. I made up everything as I went along...not using any of the facts that I knew to be true of her honest identity and origin. I created monstrous mushrooms on which she plopped her magical little ass. She would flutter those silly little wings that changed color according to her moods. Her fairy dust drifted down onto the forest floor as she twirled and skipped around her victims. And they melted...each and every one of them melted at her feet and kissed her little fairy feet. She would giggle in delight and then pull them from their knees. There in the forest of Illyria, she would kiss their lips and where her sweet kiss was placed, their skin would tingle from the magic of the touch. Her hands grabbed hold of their shirts pulled them to her and she would bite deeply into the soft flesh of their throats and satisfy her hunger. As she sucked the blood from them she would fuck them and their climax would match her moans of satisfied hunger. She didn't kill them, there in that forest in Illyria; she would just give to them the darkened and strange fantasy of a pleasure that was just outside of their understanding. And they would know her for what she really was...and they would love her regardless.

Bo (the big cat)

I called him on the phone for the first time. He lived in San Diego California. He had asked me time and again to call him sometimes and I did that very thing. When he heard my voice for the first time, he was amazed.
"Oh my god", he would say..."you are a REAL life southern belle."
I would just laugh and reply to his sillyness. "Ha! Not quite, my love...I am not quite a lady as that."
We would talk and for days afterwards...we would talk for hours. I never knew how much I would grow to love this man.
And I would not fully appreciate him until he was gone.
Sometimes, its just too late to say I love you.

The nature of the beast

2013-06-11T06:27:00.001-07:00

Maybe, I am bad. Maybe I am a demon.

I saw the picture that Rides Lightning drew of Spirit. I heard his words spoken softly in my ear and I turned away from those words. I know what Spirit is and I know where she comes from....he told me.

But it's a secret and I don't tell secrets.

It is not my human nature to hurt others... but I do. I cannot control my anger sometimes and things get ugly. She is with me now, she has done her damage...and all I can do is cry.

Because you cannot take those things back that hurt others...it fades, yes it does...but it is still done.

I apologize, not only for my stupidity. I apologize for everything that had made you hate me.

sometimes, I wanna go away and never ccome back because I cannot be anything but me and I cannot love anything but what my heart loves and it is killing me.

I just want to fade and be forgotten.

can you help me....because the cancer grows.

142

2013-06-09T18:07:00.003-07:00

2009

Summer

I went through the motions with church service. I stood singing the songs back in with the congregation. No longer did I stand apart and get standing ovations. I got looks but they werent of respect...more so of repulsion. Oh, how could someone like me ever dream of being with someone as innocent as Gavin? I saw their faces and I read their minds. I never understood how this happened but I would sit in service and something would tug on my sleeve and I would turn. I would see one of the youth staring at me in disgust and I could hear her thoughts. She found me to be a horrible person and could not contemplate such as union as I had wished to have with Gavin. I swallowed hard and tried to pretend that seeing her thoughts was impossible. I tried to tell myself that the devil wanted me to hear these things and they were false. And so I would turn and sing the songs with the others again. Then spirit would come and sit beside me and whisper funny things in my ear and tell me that she loved me. The songs were full of the word 'spirit' and my other would laugh and squeal every time that I sang the word. Spirit tugged on me and took control of my hips. I would sway and then smile. To hide my impatient yearnings, I raised my hands in worship and closed my eyes. I tried so hard to get closer to God and find what he wanted for Sherrie to do. I was overrun with people in my head...yes, overrun by three individuals who were presently trying to make a mockery of me in the sanctuary.

"But, I am not doing anything, Sherrie." Anna turned toward me and frowned. She was sitting where Spirit sat just moments before and she was wringing her hands in frustration. Her fingernails were still caked in blood and gore where she had tried to fight off her murderer. I smiled and then looked toward the worship and praise group on the stage.

"Not you, Anna....it's Spirit, she is bored again."

Anna reached over and caressed my hand....her hand was so cold. "It's okay...just give her time to adjust to her new found freedom and she will calm down."

I nodded my head and noticed that the pastor's wife was starring at me with a confused look. I wondered had she seen me conversing with someone who wasn't really there. I was nervous.
After service, no one really wanted to hug me and so I hugged a few and then went into the bathroom. After regaining my composure, I got the kids and went home.

2009

Summer

I read the bible over and over. I wanted to reconnect with my church family. I wanted so badly to feel normal and fit in for the children. I missed teaching the children and I missed singing. I wanted those things back but I had no idea how I was supposed to achieve these things. I wanted to talk to Spirit and try to work some compromise out so that I could function more normally. When she was around, I was a raving lunatic, dancing through the grocery store in nothing more than a thin sundress and going commmando. The wind would blow up my dress and I would moon half the parking lot. She would stand defiantly at face to chest level with some 6 ft tall, 350 pound man and tell him where to get off. If she hadn't been cute and he hadn't laughed at her, she would have been pounded into the pavement by now. She would giggle every single time someone said the word, "spirit"...even when it was in the context of the father, the son and the holey ghost. She loved the SOAD song, chop suey because of the part about why the father had foresaken her and how I would give unto his hands....my Spirit. She was ridiculous to say the least..but highly seductive and almost irresistable. And she was very powerful by then....strong and unrelenting...so how would I go about having this little talk with her? And then, I found the solution...meds.

2009

Summer

I went to the doctor for the first time in years...i mean the crazy doctor of course and i wanted to know what i should do. I hid some things from her....things that were irrelevant. But I was diagnosed once more with manic depression. She told me that there was a way to stop what was going on with my rapid cycling. Of course, I lied about how fast I really changed because according to what I have read...bipolars do not cycle as I do. I changed rapidly and randomly back and forth....during the day, during the week...or whatever the others saw fit to do. But she told me that the meds she had would make it easier for me to function in life and stay focused.

I heard Spirit whimpering and saw her give me puppy dog eyes and so I left the doctor's office with nothing but a report. I would just have to talk to Spirit alone and see what sort of compromise we could come to with the new information and options that I had just been given to me.

I parked behind the bathrooms at the park where there were very few people passing by. I adjusted the rear view mirror so that I could see my eyes and then addressed her.

"So, the thing is...I know you are strong, maybe even stronger than me but I have to do something different in order to survive in this world. It is unforgiving, you know. I cannot just run around doing as I wish all the time. I have to keep order in my brain for me and most of all, for the kids. I need to talk to you without fighting with you. I need some sort of compromise with you. Can you please, meet me in the middle?"

I felt her stir and then I saw her. She looked at me in the mirror and she smiled. She was angry, she was hurt and yet, she was frightened. "I know what you are going to do to me." she started, "I know that you are going to kill me. And this time, I cannot stop you. The first moment that I relinquish my hold on you, you will kill me."

Suddenly, I felt guilty. I felt as though I had betrayed a friend...a feirce and angry friend, but a friend all the same.

"I don't wanna do it, Spirit...but you are going to kill me if I don't do something different."
Her eyes softened and fairy dust drifted down before her face. I saw a tear in her eye and then it quickly disappeared. She smiled and giggled. "Okay...Okay...what do I have to do to keep those horrid things from your body? I do not wish to die...I want to live...live as never before...I want to skip and to play in the...

"That's just it, Spirit....they will not accept you." I turned to see if she was in the back seat and she wasn't. I got out of the car and just walked. She was still there with me. I dropped my hand and I felt her hand entwin with mine and she squeezed. Something from long ago hugged my heart and I couldn't take it anymore. I started to cry as I walked into the stand of pines. I saw myself as that little girl so long ago when Spirit first came to me. I felt her arms around me and I sat down hard against a tree. "help me...help me to save you and to keep you sacred in my heart." I pleaded.

I felt Spirit's hand on my face and I cried harder. "I am sorry...I only anger when I fell contained...when I feel you are trying to smother me out. I want my freedom, dear self....I want to live as you do. I will never be the original and do you know how that makes me feel? I am what you wanted to be and the darkness enters me and drives me to do things to survive. I am not self destructive...I am a beast....do not deny me my nature."

I looked into the swaying leaves and there she was...Spirit...she was everywhere in the freedom of everything...and everything was a beast...a beautiful beast which only wished to survive. "Can you please conform just enough that I can blend in to society? I have to be normal for the babies."

"I will not conform...but I will adapt, if you can take that for your answer and your compliance. Spirit moved through the wood of the trunk of the tree and through my feet. I felt the tingle pass up and through my groin. I lifted my pelvis and moaned as she wavered there in my sex. I thought that I would climax there on the spot but then she moved up my belly and into my heart. I heard the butterfly wings beating and then skipping in rhythm.

"That is what I am talking about, Spirit. I cannot just have an orgasm right here in the middle of the park against a tree. I have to blend in and stop drawing so much attention to myself...at least locally.
Spirit spoke "Okay, I know what to do. Just please, please...do not take the wolfsbane." she giggled and then I realized what she had said.

"Very funny, Spirit...very funny. Since when are you a werewolf?"

Spirit fluttered her wings inside my heart and whispered to me. "Since, whenever I want. I am your wildest dreams and your darkest fantasies. I can run through the night baying at the moon and I can drain you of all your lifes energy with my little bittie fairy fangs...and I will always be Spirit and I walk among the dead....just as your little bastard shaman told you. So please...please don't take those pills. I don't want to die."

I smiled and nodded with agreement. "very well, let's go do the laundry."

2009

Fall

But I had changed already. The imprint was permanent and It showed. Something had hardened there within my heart. Everytime that I recieved an email from Venum, I was to the point and he noticed my coldness. He kept asking me what was wrong with me and wasn't I happy to hear from him. He called more and more and sent more emails wanting to know why I seemed so different and I just told him that nothing was wrong. I don't even think I knew what was wrong. I was just different...changing. I started to see that I could survive on my own and it made me see Venum in a different light.

Right then and there, I made the decision. I didn't know when, I didn't know how...but I was going to leave Venum.

141

2013-06-09T01:06:00.004-07:00

2009

In the midst of my freedom the spiral continued downward. I did not see the truth for my own selfish desires. They were desires that fulfilled yet contained me. I did not want to be contained and so I ended up back in the woods again. There I sat, under the moon...the spirit. My wings fluttered madly as the stars fell down around me. I giggled with glee and jumped from one branch to the other. I was stronger, more agile and filled with an intent of my own. I perched there on my branch of destination and surveyed my surroundings. I could see the animals of the forest race by and chase each other through the dark brush beneathe the canopy. My eyes began to adjust to the night's darkness and I saw more. I saw beneathe the canopy and within the animals and I understood their mumblings and chatterings. I sniffed the air and smelled everything...everything was fresh and beautiful. And there among all that was free and good...my pain was ripe and my pain was bitter tasting. I growled and fluttered my wings again then falling to the earth I took a deep breath.

Spirit was invincible...

2009

Summer

I discovered that I liked being alone..well, with the exception of my kids. I loved my boys and I loved to be myself with them. All three of them were different and I saw the love in their eyes when they looked at me. I held their hands and took them into the forest with me. They saw things differently and so they save portions of what Spirit saw. My oldest, damian held an other very tightly against his soul but he yet did not know the extent of what his other was. I saw it in his eyes...the eyes of mine and the eyes of my mother. The younger two were yet to show the depths of their soul to me. But I saw the sparkle of creativity inside their pupils. I led them to trails and off the trails until they giggled in excitement.

When they learned the forest, they started to venture out alone. Damian let the little scouts into the trees and deeper within the forest. I stood by the pines in the edge of the yard and watched them walk away with fake swords and weapons. I smiled as Spirit coursed through my body....alive and growing in strenth.

"they are beautiful. My little forest children are growing so fast" I heard her whisper to Sherrie in my head.

Sherrie looked up from her book and stared with dark and still eyes. "They are mine and not yours, evil fairy.

Spirit turned to face me in my darkness. Her face changed from delight to anger. She walked toward me and then squatted by where I sat. With a thin taloned hand, she snatched my book away and threw it over her shoulder. "YOu...my dear...have absolutely no backbone and no wish to live...so why would you be fit to be a mother of such wonderful creatures??"

I held her stare and stood up to her bravery. I felt myself shaking as I came face to face with something unspeakable..undescribable....truly in words. "I am not afraid now...I am not afraid of you. If I would tempt death then why would I cower before something that doesn't really exist? Those are my children...children of a real woman...not some fantasy thing that is so fucking angry that she has no real life of her own."

Spirit smiled and her eyes grew wide. The dark dark eyes of the fairy grew lighter and lighter until they shown with a shimmering hazel hue. She licked her lips and drew so close to me that her eyes bore into mine. "I am you and you are me but I shall pull free from you and I will take what is rightfully mine through my dominance. I will pull away from you....tearing and ripping my soul from yours and I will exist in material form as you have never seen before. Test me...oh test me good, dear little fucking sad girl. Keep standing and holding firm, clenching your little fists so tight that they bleed. Oh stand there...just a little longer while my fire burns bright...and then, I will set you on fire burning you until there is no Sherrie left to cut her little wrists. I will destroy you long before you suicidal wishes make themselves into completion. You can share these things or you can die. But know one thing as clear as day....I wear the soul in this union and what I say.....goes. Those are my children and they will know the others that they hide!"

Spirit turned on her heels and took to the air. I fell to my knees and exhaled. I was losing this and even Anna did not come to my aide. I saw her there in the tangle of the rabbit brush. Her little red curls were matted with leaves and the tears were dirty that ran down her cheeks. I looked to her and my eyes asked her why she didn't save me. Anna raised her chin and I was the bruised and battered skin that surrounded her neck. I knew that she was frighted of the yelling and the screaming in her own soul. Her death had been unfinished and unsolved for so long and she had wandered until she had lost her way out of purgatory. I saw her hopelessness in her face. She could help me decide and she could spurn me on but she could not stop the unchained beast when it was hungry.

When pushed too far, the daark faery always got her way...and there was nothing we could do. She held the hoodoo soul and caressed it in her hands...she sent out the thoughts that brought about her vengeance. Not a finger was lifted and she punished the wicked. She was as the wind...as fickle yet as caressing....but when the fire burned brightly...her eye was steady and she sent about her winds of fate.

Her strength grew and sometimes, I saw her little fangs as I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw my eyes dilate and change, I scratched the scars on my back from the peircings which strangley had fallen through rotten skin on my back...I realized that she really was....pulling free

finding herself

gaining identity

gaining flight

2009

summer

I awoke from strange dreams of things that leave me troubled. I saw friends of mine from the past wander in and out of a dark room carrying parts of my being with them. The parts were arms and legs and they flew away with magically formed wings. I watched with my eyes that were left of me...I watched them take to air with loud cackles.

I knew that I was mad. I knew that something had gone horribly wrong and I could not heal. The gaping wound in my chest was sucking things inside of it as a huge vaccuum. I knew that I had breached the boundaries of my sanity. I had gone over the moon and saw the darkness of that heavenly body.

I woke crying because I was crazy...clinically crazy with something that made me split in two and then split in three. I was Sherrie, I was spirit and I was Anna. Even little Anna who had lived once, had found a place inside to hide from purgatory. Instead of finding the light, she wished to dwell within the darkness of me. I knew that my mental fabric was torn and raveling fast into the future.
I could do nothing, I could say nothing and my dreams pulled me under. I woke many times feeling as if I was drowning at sea. I felt hands grasping me and pulling me through the layers of the waters that fell over me. The weight of the liquid held me down as the hands pulled me up...adn I gasped for air like it was my very first and very last breath. And then my heart beat wildly as I woke in a pool of sweat. I looked around and shadow shapes formed and shifted all around me. I was terrified.

And this...my friends is just a taste of the atrocities of my mind....every night that followed was a new nightmare, a new monstrosity and a new darkness.

140

2013-06-07T22:48:00.001-07:00

2009

Spring

I was alone with the children and would be alone for a year. I missed Venum in ways but I didn't miss him as wife should miss her husband. I harbored so much bitterness for the way that I was treated. I would think that it was understandably so. I worked in my garden during the day and then spent time on the computer talking to my friends at night. I would play with the little ones and watch Damian play video games. We went to birthday parties and to the park during the summer to pass the time. I starte to notice how happy that I felt being alone with the kids. I noticed as well how much fun I was having on the computer talking to my writer friends.

Something began to shift during that summer that I spent alone. Spirit was throwing a fit to have more reign over my body and so I let her come out more often. She wasn't just satisfied with haunting the Triond forums; she wanted more. She wanted to run through the woods and lay in the flowers. She wanted to dance under the stars and proclaim her love to everything. I starte to let her out more and more while Anna and I talked of things of a more serious nature. Everything seemed to start to flow in Spirit's direction and the darkness shifted as well.

The trionders

I returned to the forums full force when I lost my job. I found that the forum had changed within those few months that I had been elsewhere. I did not see Fegger around and so I went to leave him a message telling him hello. I went back to the forums and saw that this little group had formed and I was not part of that group. I grew angry with the thought and so I waltzed in as Spirit and made my presense known. The members of the cliche gave me hell for a moment but I would not back down. It was a little raggity group consisting of Mo,Puck, Shell, Gringo, Brant and a Deist named Dan. I strutted around the forum atmoshpere with my little wings all aflutter. I watched as this guy, Brant was being disgusting and so I tried to attack him with my daark faery dominant ways. He started to play the role of the white knight and he pushed me off him. I grew angrier and tried my attack again, but he was just too determined to hold his own and so I left. I was so angry at him that I left a message for Fegger to come and help me but he told me that I had to hold my own and that Brant was harmless. I also told him that I was disgusted by his naked picture that he was using for his profile pic. I think I was just angry then and that was my way of being mean. I went back a couple days later and forced my way into the group. I was dominant like that...or she was, I mean. Spirit was a spoiled brat who insisted on fitting in and she made sure that she did. I ran with them...trailing behind until I could hold my own. I caught their insults and then threw them back at the others full force. I was the daark faery and everyone began to know me for that very fact. I then saw Bo arriving and talking to the group. I cyber jumped his ass and started to give him loveable kisses. He rememberd me and we were just a fun little group then. I started to meet other members like Duff and Oldster. After a while, I met Steve,Belle and Marie. There was also Irene and others that I cannot place at the time. I then saw the princess...princess Morgana. I remembered her from before and she remembered me. We talked for a long time reuniting and remembering out conversations with Rut. We remembered about the dances under the cyber moon and the orgies in the cyber forest. As I looked around I saw more and more of the beloved writers coming together. We talked and talked way on into the night almost every night. We drank together...together but in different sides of the planet..hundreds of miles away from each other....even thousands. But we grew closer as time went on. That year seemed to last forever and ever...

And there are stories within stories...some of these characters managed to reach deep within my heart and they can never be removed.

Nate(The Frog)

I remembered him for one thing most of all. He wanted to be free...free as I wanted to be free and that was our dream. I met him one night while Spirit was having cyber orgies with all the regular guys. I think it was when I had met Bam for the first time and was on top of him riding away...or so the cyber chats say...huh. In walks Nate...well, his fingers were typing away up in Wisconsin on his computer in his basement and he was typing such as this...

*He walks in and sees her...the daark faerie. She is in the throws of ecstacy...riding wildly upon the shaft of the Bam man...*

Well, it was written something like that. SAdly, all of our archives have been erased and the Triond forum is no more in the year of 2013.

But he came in and I walked away from Bam and approached Nate. I called him Nathan and I didn't know why. He liked that fact and said that only the ones who really cared for him called him that. I did a sexual scenario with him and then we started to talk. We didn't talk that long that night but as days went by, we started to private message and we grew closer to each other. I realized that Nate loved dominant women and I was what he dreamed about. He told me that he was married with four children and that he had had an affair before. He said that he had cut off all communications with the woman and had tried to do the right thing...but he had met me.

Of course, I felt guilty. But I knew that something must be missing. I had been through this on the opposite side with my husband. I was the victim then and now...I had this road ahead of me and it was easy...so easy but it was wrong. I know that it was only cyber..but did that make any less wrong than if we were face to face. I tried to stay away from Nate but I could not. We grew closer and closer and there was nothing I could do.

And our connection was strange. He wanted her...he wanted Spirit and he cared not for Sherrie. He knew nothing of Anna. Nate fell in love with everything about Spirit and he wanted to be free with her. Our cyber relations grew intense and we started to video chat latter on. Eventually, we broke the barrier and started to pleasure ourselves for the viewing of the other. It was quite some time before we ever discussed meeting...but we never did.

I told him to jump and he did and he liked it. He was innocent with his big dark eyes and whatever I wanted he gave to me. I commanded him to lie before me and offer up his manhood adn this is what he did. He was up for anything too, he was and when I climbed on top of him and told him to beg for more , he did. He sang within the night about our love and about his devotion to me.

But when the shit hit the fan..he left me coldly...alone with no remorse. Do I still love him, I do. But how much, I wil never really know. He sold himself away and for good reason. I wish him well.
and will love him unconditionally...
.........................

The Raven

There was a special man who lived as I did. There was one like Rides Lightning which carried an Other inside his skin. Of course, by now, most of you know that Others are very common. It is just not common to mention them in society. The man with the other was there in the darkness waiting patiently...but for what, I might never know. I think he still waits for something in that vast darkness...so do I.

He touched me early on with his ways, his tricks and his harshness. And then the face that he presents to society, he presented to me in kindness and normality. But he knew as well as I that normality was not what we were. The Raven spoke loudly through him and he flew on the black wings of the other to come to me unihibited...telling me what I was and breaking me into a million peices.

At first, it was complicated and I had no idea who he was at all. When I came to the realization of who he was and what he was, I was astonded and intrigued. I watched him as I watched others before in the waking world. I watched his words and his paths and then I starte to dream of him as the raven...the dark and chaotic soul which hid in the body of normality. It was then that I grew to respect and want him even more. I was excited and thrilled by this man..this other...this thing...but I held away from him because his other and Sherrie didn't play well together...seeing as that his other made her cry when correction was harsh. Spirit was tempted and interested but she was as fickle as the wind, flitting from one world to the next. Her curiosity was fleeting at first...until she realized that he loved her. In a tent in the wild wilderness we lay together..my ass pressed into him. The snow outside was thick and blanketing but he was near. I felt his feathers brush against my skin and his darkness covered me, warming me in a strange dark warmth that did not exist without him. I heard the creatures of the forest screaming but when he whispered, they were quiet again. He took me from behind while his strong sleek beak held me prone by my neck. I relished his forcefullness. When he was done, he kissed and licked my wounds and tasted my tears. He found them filling.

I heard his voice once...or twice...on the phone and it was quite different than I had imagined. But we talked and his normalacy was there to comfort me. The last time we talked the other was sharp and painful cutting the sure and harsh line to do as he pleases...because he does as he pleases..make no mistake in that. He is a man of honor through every side of him and he is quick and to the point. Sometimes love is very harsh and I tasted the most delicious portion of this hurtful and longing thing he gave me.... ah, such sweet sweet sorrow...

That's when things started to give a damn. Spirit sat down quietly and tried to know him. Although it wasn't for long, I still relish that taste of his other and I miss the sharp sting of his words...and I love him too forever and ever...unconditionally
................

The Wolf

Then there was the wolf to my Raven...the right side man...the tall and cuddly bear. He had no other, it was always just him and he saw himself as my protector. At first, I hated him and sought to fight my way into his submission. But he would not be submissive....not any more than the Raven. The first time that I played the game with the wolf, he was the big bad wolf...and I was little red riding hood. I ran through the woods carrying goodies to my grandmas but he caught up with me, stealing my goodies. There in the woods, he made passionate love to me among the trees. I saw my sould pass into him many times and then we ate cupcakes naked beside the river. And yes, the big bad wolf ate little red riding hood...(well, in cyber land, anyway.)

And there were the nights that we talked...many and many nights endless it might seem. He told me over and over that he could never fall in love with me and that it was futile. Then he would drink some more vodka and put his hand upon his cock while he talked of fairy tales.

He talked of fights in Mexico and the heat of California...and how much he hated it. We mused of meeting in some place with some artistic idea to spurn us on. And then I grew jealous and he grew jealous only ending in talk to politics and how he hated some of the politicians with such a vengeance that his love for guns would surely aid him to correct the situation. He knew me like not many others would know me and he grew to know my brother as well through the forums. Many times, we would tease the others by flitting through the forums flirting horribly in the face of that small society which didn't really give a damn for the most part if we were married or not. We felt free then and we found love....no matter what the harsh republican says, we found love.

I found him curiously complicated as he did me and we talked some more. On several occasions we watched the sunrise together as we chatted and cyber loved each other through a screen which made our eyes burn. Many nights we would post youtube videos for each other denying the fact that there was anything in the lyrics which meant for the other...they were just songs, we said...haha He wrote poetry of me and me of him and I was his little fairy...little fairy girl.

funny thing is...I am still his little fairy girl and always will be. Ours in also an unconditional love...as such should be.

2009
Summer
And then I figures it all out. I would make money online. The first job that I landed was writing articles. Shell helped me to find several jobs online writing for a little side money. I wrote and wrote...day and night and my fingers grew horribly tired. Then I started to search again for something which helped me more.

That is when I found the answer. I had been falling in and out of love with three very special men and I had made no money for the time spent with them...I thought of whores and how good they were probably making it....money wise. I thought of Spirit being a cyber whore and I smiled.
There were about five of them...no names though pleas and thank you.... of course not. I started by using my facebook chat to locate men who were interested in me. I had started posting pictures of myself that Angel had taken. I was posted them on my Triond site in the picture section. The men wanted to see more...private pics. I told them what the deal was. I told them the amount...in which I will not discuss here...that I expected to get; and they sent the money to my paypal via my email address. When the money hit my paypal, we arranged a time and I would give them a cyber show. I would masturbate while they masturbated. It was like being an amatuer web cam model. I had one at first then the word spread. By the time that I had decided to stop doing these things, I had acquired 5 regulars and a couple stragglers which were not very dependable. I managed to pay the cable and internet bill without even touching my unemployment. My writing gave me more money and so I bought sexy outfit to wear with that money. I bought shoes and other little things as well. I was able to buy the kids clothes a couple times and pay for various things for school. I used my 'allowance to buy groceries and miscellaneous. I was making it any way that I could considering the fact that I was only allowed a certain amount to live on. I was learning how to make it on my own even if it was by questionable means.

I grew to like some of these men but not as I loved the ones of whom never paid me.
I was in love with the trinity and that made sense to me. The three parts of me reveled in this love that I felt. Unfortunately, there were nights when I would pleasure myself to all three of them at the same time and they never knew this. I am here to confess and the things that I say may anger those that I love but it is the way it is. As I said before, the truth is horrid....and sometimes cold..but we must tell it in order to free ourselves completely. I never used them but only to use them to pleasure myself. I loved them...with my whole soul...i loved them...and i love them still.

139

2013-06-07T19:31:00.004-07:00

2008

Winter

So that was it and this is how it went...

I had to confess about George and to the messages to Gavin on the computer. I also was told not to ever engage in fun parties again. I was interrogated after Sunday service for engaging in fun parties. I was placed in a chair front of the whole church while the elders surrounded me and spoke down to me. They spoke in tongues...our secret language while they paced back and forth round me laying hard hands on me...pushing the darkness out.

The youth minister did not tell of my alter ego online but someone else told the pastor's wife. She approached me after service one day and whispered the name Lee Ann into my ear. I asked her what she knew and she said all of it. I cried my eyes out right there in front of the whole congregation. I remember Gavin looking on in curiosity while I cried. I was told that I could never be the right one for Gavin even if I wasn't married because Gavin was a virgin and he was looking for someone who was also a virgin. I was hurt by this...so deeply hurt and felt as if I weren't good enough. All of Gavin's friends avoided me and shunned me as if I had some sickness and this drove the knife in deeper still. I was asked to stop singing with the group and I could no longer teach sunday school to the small children. Darla hated me too....she cried during one whole church service and I assume she thought the profile name was stolen from her middle name. But that was not so. Tracey moved out of town and divorced Darla's brother. I felt horrible and was oddly comforted by my husband. He had agreed to try and make our marriage work and never to speak to Mechelle again. But I was growing bitter...more bitter by the second.

And what did Venum get for his continuous infidelity? A three page letter of agreement to never ever cheat again. Yes, the church made him sign this little agreement and all was forgiven. And what of Gavin's friends toward Venum. They still talked to him, still hugged him and seemed to not treat him any differently. He started reading his bible again and all was well.

I tried to hug Gavin once more after the whole ordeal and he just cringed when i put my arms round him. Then when i pulled away he seemed shocked and terrified. I was still curious about him and so I went to his page just to see if anything was being said about the happeneing. ONe of his friends from chruch asked him what it felt like to have a stalker. The statement hurt so badly that I cannot describe just how badly it hurt. It was like the world would have been so much better without someone like me in it...despite all that I had been through...to the world, I was the enemy.

I wanted to give up.... I really really just wanted to die.

And I would have made that happen if not for the interferance of the church.

2009

Winter

I waited until Venum was asleep and I started to search the cabinet for pills. I had recently cleaned out many bottles of unused pain killers and so it was hard to find anything to take. I grabbed bottles and drank their contents...cough syrups and other liquid tylenols and advils. I found myself growing sleeping and sometimes fell asleep searching for enough liquids to end it all. That was also pathetic. I was intent on cutting my wrists the right way...up and down but every time I had the opportunity, someone would interrupt me....my children, the church or the phone. I found some pills and dropped half of them down the toilet while drunkenly trying to end it all through a haze of vodka and gin. I grew angry and so I thought of a new way.

I would drink all the bleach that I had and then if that didn't work, I would just walk into traffic...I knew that had to do it for me...had to be enough. Surely this time, I could be successful at something. But then that was the day that I recieved a visitor.. a stranger. I was sitting on the porch with the jug of bleach at my feet. I was trying to work up the courage to do it ...to finally end it all. The kids were away at their aunts that week and so I had it set up perfectly. That is when the car swerved onto the side of the road and skidded to a halt. A little girl got out from the passenger side and ran up to me.

"Maam, can you help me? " she was almost crying. "something is wrong with my mommy."

I ran down the hill and looked inside the car. The woman was gasping and her face was pale white. "hello, what is wrong?"

"I ...I ...can't breath well.....I think...I ...I am having a h...heart attack." she stopped talking then and held her chest with one hand.

I told her to be very still and then I called an ambulance. I waited with the woman until the ambulance arrived and then I walked back up to the house. I stared at the bleach jug and put it back in the kitchen by the washing machine. I guess I had a reason to live for the day.

I decided to worry about suicide on another day. I suddenly had the urge to live long enough to make sure the lady survived.

I didn't understand yet how life worked...at that moment, I became curious about it all.

2009

Winter

I spent more and more time on the Triond site and met many friends there. One of my first friends was Fegger, then the second was BullMuse. Then I met Bo. I loved these three men with an unconditional love, you see. They were there...whenever I needed them, basically. They were great and wonderful people whom I shared things with that I haven't shared with others. And then there was Drew. Drew was something different altogether...something familiar and yet horrible. I knew Drew as an enemy at first because he criticized my work with a ruthless hatred. He was honest and as you know, the truth is so ugly at times.

And so, I would devote so much of my time to Drew and to describe the effect he had upon my life...a strange and unexpected influence and yet a companion to part of me. Drew was someone's other...and I was aware of exactly what he was from the beginning. But, in my curiosity, my head would spin with trying to figure out whose other he was. Bo knew first and so Bo shared his knowledge with me. Bo was always smarter than any of us ever knew and it took a long time to figure it out. But Bo observed these 'creatures' in the night...these writers and Bo knew their secrets in his observations. My guess of Drew's identity was way off and so Bo corrected me. And when Bo corrected me, I realized over time that he was right...and that made me love Drew all the more...because I loved all of Drew...not just as being an Other....I loved the part that he showed to the world..and it was an unconditional love...one that would never be broken over time and over space. *smiles*

Fegger was like a father to me...he protected me from Drew's attacks. He helped me with my writing and basically stood for me when others would not. He and Drew were my first Triond loves. Fegger was like the Batman to Drew's joker...in my opinion and observation. I loved them both...but in different ways entirely. Fegger also respected Bo as well and Bo then created the Pirate Bo Jack movement on the triond forum. Such members as Pablina, Stephen Cardiff and Casey joined in on th pirate movement and soon it got way out of hand. I made comments here and there and then I would take a break for a while. I couldn't have my computer at work and so I only had the night to converse with my friends of the Triond Forest. After a while, I grew tired of Triond and so I stepped away from the forum for a while.

The garden.

Spring

2009

My father was a green thumb and could grow anything. I thought that maybe I had this gift as well and so I decided to try my hand at gardening. I told Venum what I was interested in this past time and he burned off the area for my garden and tilled it. He seemed to be doing things for me and seemed to be a good husband. I got along with him as well as I could always in silent fear of what was to come next. But i was glad that he helped me because I went about planting and fertilizing my crops and seeds...in which I did all this on my own and was told by Venum that he was not the least bit interested in doing any more of the garden. The rest was up to me. And that was okay by me as well. I doted on my garden as if it were my lover...I talked to the seeds and quietly raked the dirt from the crop to see how well they were growing. I would hear Venum's friends come by from work and talke to him. I might look around at them and smile then I would go back to talking to my crops. They found me insane, I am sure, but I cared not. I looked at them as if they were the crazy ones and then I would laugh.

As night fell down upon us, Spirit would come out and sing to the crops, dancing down the rows and flitting through the trees at the edge of the yard. She loved the new birth and so did Anna. Anna stood at the edge of the yard with her arms dangling down beside her. Her beautiful freckled face woudl beam with pride and then she would turn and walk back into the darkness. As I walked back toward the house, I would feel them both re-enter my mind and hum some strange tune to each other. For that time, my others found harmony with each other...and with me.

2009

Venum was going to be leaving for over seas duty within the next month and so we all planned a trip to Gatlinburg. We found a huge cabin in the mountains between Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge and invited my aunt, my brother and Venum's mother to go on the trip with us. My brother was upset because of some descrepancy at work that might cause him his job and so he was in bad need of a vacation. Problem was, he would have to wait a whole week to find out whether he was fired or not.
I put in my vacation request at work and after submitted all the proof that I needed, the boss let me take the week off for my vacation. I was to work the rest of the week and then I would be leaving for vacation.

Gatlinburg

We all rented a van and left for the mountains. We stayed in a three story cabin which offered bar, pool table and hot tub. We went to view all of the attractions in the mountains including the trails, the parks and the shopping areas. We ate at various restaurants and candy shops. I remember buying so much candy that my stomach hurt from eating the treats. The kids loved the trip and didn't want to leave to come home.

Venum went skiing as he always did when we went to Gatlinburg and this time Damian got to ski as well. The ladies shopped and played video games while waiting on the guys to finish skiing. Allen played games with the little ones too.

The views in the mountains were spectacular and I caught myself wanting to move there. I noticed that everytime that I go somewhere far away, I never want to come back to Mississippi. I guess I just always have this urge to get away from everythign that I know and just...start over.

The trip is foggy in my mind leaving little for me to remember. I somehow seem to remember fighting with Venum more than anything. I grew weary of the relationship but felt guilty because he was soon leaving for Iraq. I knew that it was terrible to feel anger towards him when he was leaving but it is jsut the way it is. Nothing can change how you feel just by forcing a change....it cannot be done...not for honor, not for mercy and not for godliness. Sometimes the heart just hardens that way and it is almost impossible to change things at all.

2009

Spring

The week before Venum left, I was taking an additional couple of days off from work. The last week I was at work, something happened. Bama, the housekeeper, had always been my friend despite her drinking and heavy drug use. I had given her things including money, food and other things that helped her. Even during her worst episode, I had been there for her. One time, she was plannig on destroying some rooms in the hotel because she was mad at the boss and I grabbed hold of her and hugged her tight telling her that I loved her. She calmed down and then went to do her job. I always thought that I could have that effect on her...but I was wrong.

When Bama's sister died, she grew very angry. I had prayed and prayed for her sister so many times. I told her that her sister would be okay...but unknown to me...I lied. Her sister passed away anyway and she had requested time to go to her sister's funeral. The boss had okayed the time off but the third shift worker called her in anyway. Bama came in the lobby when I was on duty and she was ranting and raving. She even started to call me a bitch and then commanded me to call the boss because she was angry. I told her that I wasn't going to call him if she continued to call me a bitch. This only made her angrier and she started to throw things at me. I couldn't take much more of the abuse so I went around the counter to grab hold of her as I had done before. But this time when I grabbed her and tried to hug her, she slapped me. I grabbed her hand and then she slapped me again. Before I knew it, I had snatched Bama's sunglasses off her face to see if she had been drinking. She was definitley under the effects of alcohol. She then shoved me out of the way and then I let her go. I just couldn't hit her because I needed my job and so I called the boss to report what had happened. I hated to do it but she was screaming about tearing up the rooms and she would not longer listen to me.
I was informed to write a statement about what had happened during the week that I was off on my extended vacation and to bring it to the hotel for the other shift worker. I assumed that i had all week to write the statement. Bama was immediately fired.

When I went to turn in my statement they told me that I was laid off until they could decide whether to fire me or not. I couldn't understand because I didn't even hit Bama. I was told that Bama said that I hit her and the whole occurance happend in the blind spot of the room. We had cameras but the cameras did not even pick up the fight. It was all so unbelievable. But I had no choice but to wait.
I called at the end of the week to see if I still had a job and the boss said that I would have to wait a little longer. I found out by another source that he had already put an advertisement for my position in the paper and so I went to file for unemployment under the fact that I had been laid off which I had. After a couple of weeks, I was awarded with unemployment checks. Venum had already left for Iraq and I had to send him an email letting him know that I lost my job. He was not happy but there was nothing that I could do about it but look for something else. Meanwhile, I recieved my unemployment and used my "allowance' that Venum had alloted me through his military pay. It was enough to survive and so I concentrated on my gardening and hanging out on Triond with my writer friends.

138

2013-06-07T18:06:00.002-07:00

2008

Summer

Me and Darla became closer as we started to join in church activites. We sang in a trio with her sister in law, Tracey. After a while of singing and practices, we started to each do solos with the other two doing back up...we took turns. We became very good with our practice and at times, got standing ovations from the audience in the church. I started to teach the younger children in the Sunday school rooms upstairs. I wanted to do God's work but when I was not in church, I guess that I was secretly doing the work of satan...so to speak.

During practice, I sat and listened to Darla talk about how much she really liked Gavin. I listened and inside, I wanted to tell her that I wanted him instead, but I did not do that. I encouraged her to talk to him because I knew her innocence. Even though Darla may not have been as pure as the driven snow, she was still pure and innocent to me...to my standards. She was sweet and very kind. There was no way that I could compete, nor did I want to, with Darla's admiration of Gavin. So, each time she asked me about him, I encouraged her to ask him out on a date. Both of them were single and so it was quite alright for them to get together. But deep within me, my heart broke again because I loved Gavin and I wanted Gavin for my own and I had no right because I was married. It's funny how despite the facts of life, the heart knows a different path and craves a different sort of satisfaction.
I realized more and more that life was a cruel and viscious circle. I tried to be godly, I tried with all my might to do what was right but my anger grew as evidence surfaced of Venum's infidelity. I wanted a family just as anyone else does but I also wanted happiness as well.

Messages

I sent my first message to Gavin which was a very bad mistake. I sent him a poem because I wanted him to have a glimpse at the real me even though I had a fake profile and fake name. When he recieved the message with the poem, he unfriended me. I was saddened by this move that he made...and so I stayed offline for a while.

After a few days, I sent Gavin a message. I know that he was no longer my friend but something spurred me on. I think now that it may have been stupidity. I also wanted him to guess until he found out that it was me but at the same time, I wanted him to like me before I told him who I was. It became obvious over time that I was attracted to him so if he found out who I really was, then there would be no mistaking of my feelings for him. But, I couldn't stop. I dropped hints of who I was and told him things that I wanted him to know. I even grew angry at one time and told him not to trust those that he thought he could trust. I made reference of Darla and told him to beware of those who changed themselves to grow closer to him. I began to notice that Darla desperately wanted to gain Gavin's attention and so I warned him of those who pretended. It came to a point to where my attraction to Gavin was growing stronger than my ability to be Darla's friend and so the tension grew like a thin string when I was with Darla...especially when Gavin entered the room. Neither of them knew that I was the girl online that was sending riddles to Gavin. Things grew very complicated.
Meanwhile...Venum continued to see Mechelle.

Mechelle's baby's daddy would drive by my house and yell obsenitities at Venum, he would call him phone repeatedly. I would ask Venum who was on the phone and he would tell me who it was. According to Venum, Mechelle's baby's daddy...Jones...was convinced that Venum was fucking Mechelle. He told me that it was all a lie. But, not matter, the calls continued.

The confrontation...

I was supposed to do a solo at church with the group that Sunday. I was getting ready for church and the kids were playing round the house after breakfast. Venum was at drill that weekend, so I was alone. I heard a knock at my door and so I ran to see who it was. When I answered the door, a black man, medium height, medium build...was standing at the door. He said hello very politely and then he started to tell me why he was there.

"I came here to tell you that your husband is fucking my wife." he then went into this pocket and took out his wallet. Then he took out a small picture and showed it to me. "This is my wife and my two children."

I looked at the picture and saw Mechelle and her two biracial babies...two boys. I looked up at Jones and spoke. "What?"

He looked very sad then he spoke again. "I am sorry, I don't want to upset you but I had to come tell you. I love my wife and I want her back. That bastard has been fucking my wife for months now."
I was shocked and of course...not really shocked at all. This had become somewhat of a routine thing for me. I looked at Jones and stepped out onto the porch closing the door.

Jones told me the whole story of how Venum was going to Codys and how he was seeing her there and how she was seeing him at work, at the park and everywhere. I asked him how he knew all this and he said that he had been following them. I was astonded.

After Jones left, I went through the motions and went on to church. I sang my solo and then I came back home. Venum denied everything and said that Jones was nuts. I asked Cody and he sided with Venum saying that JOnes was crazy. I didn't believe them...not really, but the surface part acted as though it believed because I didn't want the drama to affect my children. I was in such denial of what was going on that I would try everything to convnice myself that Venum was not cheating on me. It was quite pathetic really...now that I look back and can see the truth.

2008

Fall

Home life was weird and it became worse. Venum started to treat me as if I was dirt...I do not exaggerate. It started when I walked in the bathroom and asked him a question. He had been acting strange for weeks and I wanted to understand why he was being offish to me. Even though I had every reason to believe that he was cheating, I was still very good to him in my opinion. I still cooked, cleaned and took care of the children. I went to school functions, boy scout meetings and spent time with them watching movies and such. I was a good mother and wife besides the thing with facebook and I own up to that. I am guilty of that and ti know that very fact. The only thing I can say for myself is that I was terribly lonely.

But saying this...Venum was starting to not be as kind toward me....it was little things like never spending time with me, going to bed earlier than usual, staying gone all day and never wanting to touch me or have sex. I asked him if he was still in love with me and he said that he did not know. He actually told me that he needed time to think about it and decide whether or not he loved me. I felt horrible but there was nothing that I could do but feel that way or try to feel another...but I could only love him and love Gavin...I just couldn't bring myself to hate or stop loving whom I loved.
Over time, it grew worse. Venum would pick fights with me over nothing at all. Sometimes, he would just come home angry and not speak to me at all...making really angry faces and having an attitude with me. He never wanted to touh me...he would move against the wall to keep from touching me. When I would try to get close to him while watching television, he would make some excuse as to why he didn't want me on him or close to him. He never wanted to talk to me but yet he was nice to everyone else but me. I was hurting worse than ever at this point and I spent more and more time online talking to Angel or others. I would send Gavin a message every now and then to tell him how sad I was about things...eluding to what was going on and to me. Some times, he would respond. I do not know whether it was out of pity of whether it was out of curiosity...but sometimes, Gavin was very nice to me.

He sent a friend of him to request me as their friend. It was a girl named Britney. Britney would ask me questions and I knew she was trying to figure out who I was. I played with her because it was fun and it kept my mind off my horrible love life. Sometimes, I actually enjoyed talking to Britney and then I grew bored with her. When she realized that I had grown tired of her ramblings and questions, she dug deeper. And that is when i made my mistake. I told her that I was a lady in my thirties with three kids and that I knew Gavin. I wamted Gavin to guess correctly and so I thought with this information, Gavin would surely know without knowing and if all else failed...I could deny it saying there was no proof. But, at the same time, if he liked me....then he would know and it would no longer be a secret. But I was silly and had no idea where I would go with this and knew that he would never consent to a relationship with a married woman. It was all just so absurd....but I was drowning and I didn't care too much.

Reaching a climax of horrible measures

Christmas

So, Venum was cheating with Mechelle, and it was told to me that this was not so. He was treating me worse than a stranger on the street as well and I was still doting on him and doing everything trying desperately to make him happy. Yet, I was trying desperately to gain the attention of a young guitar player from church whom was also adored by my friend Darla who was also in my trio with her sister n law, Tracey. So what could be made of this mess?

And then it all came tumbling down...into a heap of smoldering cluttered pile of hurt and exhaustion.
Venum had left for a trip to Oregon for martial arts training. He would be gone for the whole week and he said he would go on to drill for the weekend. He said he would return on the following Monday. Even though he seemed to care very little for me, he called on one night to brag about his awards and achievments. I tried to sound very supportive and happy for him because I knew that honey attracted more than vinegar.

The rest of the time, I attended a fun party with Angel and hung out with my girlfriends a couple times. I also messaged Gavin a little because I knew what I had to do about the whole situation.
Gavin said that he knew who I was but yet, he told Britney to tell me that he knew. Britney said that Gavin knew exactly who I was. Britney said that I had blonde hair and three children and that I went to church with Gavin. There was a rumor spreading as well, that Darla was the mystery stalker girl who left Gavin messages because her middle name was Lee Ann. Recently, Gavin had been avoiding Darla and poor Darla had no idea why this was happening. So when Britney told me that the girl was blonde...I realized that he might think it was Tracey, Darla's sister n law. My guess was confirmed, when the following Sunday, Gavin avoided Tracey as if she had the plague. Tracey kept asking me and Darla what was wrong with Gavin. I just shrugged my shoulders but felt like a real douche on the inside. I realized that I had to come clean very soon or something bad was going to happen. I told Tracey what I had been doing by sending Gavin messages. She promised not to tell anyone what I had done. She attended a fun party hosted by my friend Angel and we laughed about Gavin on into the night and into the next morning. Tracey didn't go home until 3 am and Darla's brother (Tracey's husband) beat her up and accused her of being out with a man. All sorts of things were happening. So Tracey left her husband and Darla became upset and told the elders that I had invited her to a fun party in which I did...not using my brain and realizing that she was underage still. Yes, it was one of those face/palm moments.

The night that the shit really hit the fan

I was on the computer on the night in question...writing a very detailed message of why I was different than most girls. I told Gavin that he was wrong about Tracey being the girl that liked him. I told him that I was about to post a picture of the real me. I did that too, I posted a picture of myself and told him that I was sorry for what I had done by decieving him for so long. I sat at the computer after I uploaded the picture and just thought about everything that was going on. That is when I heard the knock at the door. He started yelling before I could get to the door. It was Jones.

"Sherrie....please...open the door. I know where your husband is at." he sounded desperate adn I could hear his rapid breathing. I could smell him through the door and it made me queasy. He smelled of nerous anger and something else...drugs. But he was telling the truth and I knew it.

"Where is he, Jones?" I asked and then clenched my fists.

"He is with Mechelle...right now. They are in bed together as we speak. Come on and go with me and you can see for yourself." he knocked on the door again.

I didn't know how to feel and so I grabbed the phone and went into the bathroom leaving Jones clawing at the front door.

I dialed the youth minister's number to ask him for advice. He told me to ignore Jones and that all things would come to light. He said that there was no need for me to go running off into the night chasing evil. And so I hung up the phone and went back to the door. I told Jones to go away. He told me that he was going to beat up my husband and I said that it was okay by me and I went to bed.
A couple of hours passed and Jones was knocking at my door again...frantically.

"You don't have to open the door, Sherrie. I just want you to know that I went and I flattened all his tired, broke his windows and beat him up. You will know it is true when you see him. I did that for you...so you will know the truth."

I listened and then he went away...just like that he was gone. I think I slept a little that night because I had a solo to do at church again. It was around Christmas time and I had a special song to sing.
Venum came home the next morning with his uncle. He had black eyes and a large knot on his head. Before he spoke, I told him what he had done and why he was not in his truck. He no longer denied what he had done and he said that he chose me over her. I told him that we could talk after church, that I had a song to sing.

I went into the church with a very heavy heart but i promised myself that I would sing for God. I went in and sit between Tracey and Darla...both of which were not so happy either. We clenched hands and then stood to do our song. Gavin wasn't there that day and I know why that was so, but i sang anyway.

When I returned home, I asked him again what he wanted and he said he wanted me. I felt guilty though because I had been talking to Gavin on the computer. I felt that it was unfair and so I told him what I had done as well. He knew that he had to tell the elders of the church because they knew already and it was always a matter of confessions with them. And so, Venum decided that I need to tell the church of every time that I had cheated or thought of cheating to make it fair for him. I wanted to make things work...yes, I still did, and so when the youth minister got to our home, I told him about Gavin. He was very shocked by my confession and started to fuss at me very hard. Things were a horrible horrible mess.

137

2013-06-07T15:54:00.001-07:00

2008

Summer

While working at the hotel, I met some very colorful people and I learned more about the real world. I met construction workers, truck drivers and various other regulars. These regulars would give me tips and it would make the other shift workers angry. Once, I got accused of begging for money and was reprimanded by the boss. After all I was new there and the boss always believed the other ladies over me. I tried to work harder, clean harder and behave better in order to gain more respect but one of the other ladies just couldn't stop trying to make me look bad and so I stopped trying so hard. Many incidents occured at the hotel involving the police and things which would make you think twice about staying at hotels anymore. I would just try and keep my mind off the atrocities that occured...stabbings, deaths and the like. At one point I had to keep a young girl from killing her baby. She kept saying that she had to go kill her child and so I kept her in the lobby with me until I alerted the athorities. It turns out that she had some mental disorder. I started to take my computer to work with me so that I would have something to do behind the desk when the days were slow. The boss said that it was okay to have my computer and so I started to write during the 8 hours of my work shift. Some days, no one came in at all and I would write poems all day. I got interested in the internet more and more and started looking for writing sites..I wanted to have a place to share my writing and get feedback from other writers. I found a place called Triond and fixed up my profile with picture and basic personal information. I didn't post anything at first because I was scared to let others read my writing ...and so I browsed about reading things. I was amazed at the magnitude of how much unknown writing there was. After a month or two, I discovered the forum. The forum was a place where all the members of Triond could discuss things together. It was a message board. I had never before really engaged in a message board and so I was really nervous.

I started to sit at work and read the conversations between the writers and finally, I posted something. It was odd but I posted. No one responded but I posted and I was proud that I was courageous. After a day or two , I posted again and then finally they began to talk to me. I felt that I belonged to something different. I started to write more and post my writings in the contents page. I used my time at work to play within that other world that allowed me to be anything that I wanted. I changed my username to Spiritwalker and used this name as my forum name as well. For the first few months on Triond, I was only Spirit...ranting and raving as I wished...causing mischief and gaining friends day after day.

One day, the gossiping housekeeper saw me having too much fun on Triond, and she alerted the boss that I wasn't doing my job. He made me leave my laptop at home and so I started watching telvision during work. That just wasnt enough for me and so I started to write on paper with the intentions of posting my work when I returned home.

But during work...I thought of my new online site.. I was excited about it and it helped me deal with life.

2008

Summer

It happened one day at work...the really bad thing. I say that it is really bad because it was one of those times that time stopped again. I hated when that happened and I had no control over it or its effects. This time, I got to witness what death did after he fumbled with the fabric of time.
I was sitting at my desk and I was very bored. I was watching the wind blow through the bushes that bordered the parking lot. I saw an aluminum can rolling across the parking lot and I got irritated.
"damn people cannot even pick up after themselves." I mumbled.

But then I stopped talking. The can stopped...which cans sometimes do and it is not strange for the wind to stop blowing...no, its not. The can rolled backwards a bit and then came to a stop. Then, suddenly it raced across the parking lot and went into the bushes. I thought it odd and then scolded myself for being so tired and bored that I was looking for something to fixate on. I thought about times past when the time stopped and then I pushed it away to nonesense.

The wind stopped and the can rolled back in the other direction again. I started to creep out a little. I looked up and it happened.

The hotel sits at the back entrance to Wal Mart and many people come in and out of that intrance. The front side of the hotel sits by Hwy 30 W, a main highway that any sort of vehicle uses....including big log trucks. I looked up just in time to see a huge log truck, that was going north, ram into a small pickup truck that was turning onto the road to go in the same direction. The log truck hit the back end and side of the pickup truck forcing it down the highway...going north. There was smoke and the leaf blower in the back of the pickup went flying out and into the grass in front of the hotel. This was all in front of the big picture windown where I sat at my desk awaiting customers. I watched the accident in numbness. I just sat there and watched as this big log truck rammed into the rear of this pickup and shoved it several hundred feet down the road.

Then, when the smoke was clearing , I jumped up and ran outside. I started across the grass and Anna spoke to me.

"Please, dont go over there...dont go."

I stopped and spoke underneathe my breath. "but why...someone may need help."

Anna sounded desperate "please...dont go....you cannot handle what you will see."

So I stopped and the maintenance man came up beside me and asked me if I saw what happened. I told him that I did and then I started to cry. He told me to call the police and so I went back inside and called them. I saw Joe, the maintenance man, walk toward the pickup truck and then turn around and walk to the back of the hotel. The housekeepers milled around in the lobby and asked me questions that I just couldn't answer. I sat down and waited for the police.

I looked in the parking lot and the aluminum can was gone.

The authorites and the answers

I sat there and just watched as the police came, looked inside the pickup and walked away. Then the ambulance arrived and the emergency crew jumped out and walked toward the pickup. One after the other, they walked away and left the truck as it was. A group formed outside the ambulance and then they took a sheet and walked toward the pickup. They drapped the sheet over the side facing me and then they opened the door. I saw various people trying to approach the commotion and they would just walk away with their hands over their faces. I started to ask questions myself and then I went back outside. No one would answer my questions and so I returned to my desk. All the vehicles left one after the other leaving the sheet with its secret underneathe, lying on the pavement. I knew what was underneathe the sheet and was appalled at how long the body lay there in the middle of the street until someone came back to retrieve the prize. I worked as I could with the white lump just on the edge of my periferal vision. I cried off and on when no one was in the office but me. Finally, they came to retrieve the body...and I still didn't know who he was or what had happened to his body or why this had to happen. I just waited.

A couple days later, I found out that the man who died was an elderly gentleman in his 80s. He had been shoved into this rearview mirror and it had impaled him through the head. It was gruesome and so that is why no one came to his rescue. The sight was so bad that it was obvious that he was dead and there was no reason for anyone to come to his rescue. I still thought about two things concerning the accident. Two pictures that I would never get out of my head...the lump lying under the sheet in the middle of the road and the leaf blower flying from the back of the pickup truck. The last picture was just so trivial and silly but I cannot stop thinking about how that man thought that it was just another day, another trip to Wal Mart and mabye just a day to do some routine yard work. That day was nothing special to him...maybe not...but that day was the last day of his life. That thought haunted me and terrified me and so I thought of him for months on end and I cried for him too...and I had no idea who he really was...but I knew that any one of us on this planet could have a routine day turn into a living nightmare and then...like him, like a flashing light....we could be gone.

2008

Summer

Venum stayed at his best friends(Cody) house all the time then. Cody had recently married and I didn't really trust Cody's wife because I knew her from another time in my life. But it wasn't Cody's wife that I had to worry about, it turns out..it was Cody's wife's best friend, Mechelle. Mechelle was a blonde...as all of Venum's interests seemed to be...for the most part. She stayed at Cody's house and so did Venum. It took me a while to put two and two together and mostly, I think it was because Mechelle's 'baby's daddy' kept threatening Venum about her and coming to my house.

One night, a car drove by the house and yelled obsenities. I heard something hit the house several times and then I jumped up to run outside. Venum told me to stay inside and he would go outside to see what was going on. I didn't listen and so I ran out on the porch as well. The car came back, pulled into our driveway and then sped off throwing rocks onto the porch and against the house. Someone yelled some obsenities from the car and drove off. I looked to Venum questioning the situation and he just shrugged. He then stopped and I will never forget what he said to me.

"Maybe you shouldn't question things like this. You might not want to know why this car is pulling up here. Sometimes being curious is not a good thing...curiosity might make things worse."

I thought the statement was weird...until now. Now I know why that happened...and other such thing began to happen as well. I was trying to raise my boys and all this drama was going on...right there on my doorstep...it was such a ridiculous thing to have to endure.

2008

Summer

Rumors started to spread of Venum cheating again. Apparently, he was seeing Mechelle. He would go to Cody's house and see her when she was over there. I tried to push the rumors from my mind but they kept surfacing. I didn't want to have sex with Venum very much either because the thought of him with her was disgusting. He didn't want to have sex with me eitehr because he was having sex with her. I didn't know things for a fact at this time, but I felt horrible at what I probably knew. I was so lonely and the thought of Gavin still gave me comfort. After all this time, every time that I went into the church and seen him play guitar, my heart would beat faster and I felt butterflies. He was so good and so handsome. I loved to watch him practice rock songs before church. I loved to look at his beard and his long brown hair. And when he greeted me and his eyes met mine, I was mezmerized. I just couldn't help it, I wanted to be in Gavin's arms. Every hug that he gave me, gave me comfort and I had strength to go home on and deal with things. It was true, the thought of Gavin helped me make it through the week until the next church service. And that is when I really fucked up.

The bad thing at Angel's house

I started spending more time with Angel because my heart was hurting so bad and I needed someone to talk to. She was there for me as she always was and so I confided everything to her. Angel's husband started to chat with us and he became angry at Venum for the things he was doing. Even though they had an open marriage, they never seen people behind each other's backs. To them, there were no secrets and I really loved that about them. I saw them sitting and working on the computer and noticed they were talking on some social site. I asked them what the site was and they told me.
This is when I discovered Facebook for the first time.

The thought hit me soon after I learned of Facebook. I wanted to see Gavin...wanted to see if he had a facebook page. I tried to get on facebook to look at Gavin's page but I realized that I had to register and make a page of my own. I asked Angel to help me and so she did. I made a page and put up a fake picture as my profile pic. I was too scared to put up a real picture and so that would suffice. I made a name for myself with the help of Anna and Spirit. Spirit wanted to be the star of the page but I told her no, that she would not be able to contain herself. So I used part of Anna's name. Lee Ann was the first name... Lee was my middle name and Ann was for Anna. I searched my mind for the last name then I saw what I must do. I thought of Mechelle and her baby's daddy and so I took her baby's daddy's last name...Jones. I became Lee Ann Jones and I had a cartoon picture of a lady with a butterfly perched on her hand. I then made a friend request of GAvin and waited. A couple days later, he accepted the friend request. It was a couple days more before I decide to send him a message. My mind was just spinning with everything and I felt as though I might collapse soon. Angel helped to keep me grounded in my sin....while loving me with her innocence.

136

2013-06-07T14:32:00.001-07:00

2008

Spring

The military alerted Venum of his upcoming deployment which would occur in the latter part of 2008...late summer, to be exact. I wasn't really happy about it because I wasn't used to being alone...in fact, it terrified me. I had my three children to look after, alone and It caused me to question whether or not I could be the 'man of the house' for an entire year. I just wasn't sure about it all but I had no choice...this was going to happen.

2008

Spring

I got a text message on my phone. It was from Candice, a friend of mine from church. She asked me what I would do if I knew someone was being cheated on. She asked if I would tell the girl about what her husband or boyfriend was doing or would I stay out of her business. I told her that if I knew, I would have to tell her because she was my friend..and she would just have to get mad at me if she didn't believe me. I had no idea why Candice asked me this and she wouldn't reply to any more of my texts.

2008

Spring

Venum had to go to early summer training and would be gone for two weeks. During the time that he was gone, I spent time with Angel. We filled my pool with water and sat till late at night drinking mixed drinks. We talked and talked till very late at night while watching the kids play. We learned so very much about each other and I opened up more to show her my different sides...my different people and she seemed okay with that.

Some ladies from church came by one day while I was jumping on the trapolene. Venum was gone to training and it was just me and the kids. I had been dieting and just trying to stay fit because I wanted to look a little better when venum came home. I was always trying to reach a new level of fitness for him because I knew he loved his women to be very fit. I saw the ladies pull up into the yard and so I climbed down from the trampolene. They got out of the car and come to sit by me on the porch. I loved my porch swing and so I plopped down on that and started smiling at them. That day was so beautiful and I was in such a good mood. I had let my hair grown longer and it swayed behind me until i sat upon it and pulled my head back. I wiggled around and pulled it in front of me to lay on my shoulder. The ladies were mother and daughter and they were good friends of mine.

"Whatcha been up to?" the daughter spoke

I smiled and told her about Venum being gone to training and the told her about what the kids were doing. I remember Dorian running outside to see what was going on and he went over to the daughter(her name was Candice) and he smiled up at her as he put his hands on her legs.

"I am just exercizing on the trampolene" I smiled at her again.

Her mother frowned and spoke. "I need...well, we need to talk to you about something."

I leaned forward and frowned. "Okay, what is it?"

Candice looked at her mom and told Dorian to go back inside the house. I told him to do what she said and I turned toward candice.

"Candice, what is it?" I asked ...now getting a little impatient.

Candice looked sad when she spoke "I have to tell you something and you aren't going to like this."

I sighed "Candice, what is it?"

"Sherrie, my babysitter is having an affair with your husband." Candice looked very serious although what she said did not really register with me and so I asked her again.

"Candice, what??

"Sherrie, Amber told me that she was seeing this man and she described your husband. I asked her what his name was and she told me that it was Venum. She said that they rode out to a backroad and...

"Stop!" I breathed in deeply and just looked at them. "ARe you sure it is my Venum?"

Candice looked at her mom and then back at me. "I am sorry Sherrie."

The church and their advice

I told the church about what was going on with Venum and Candice's babysitter but they already knew and they were prepared to give me advice. They told me that I must spend the next week before his return, talking to God and seeking the answers to what I must do. They told me that according to the bible, I had every right to leave him but they wished that we could make it work. They did leave me with the final decision. The last advice that I got from the pastor's wife was that I must lay the information before him and ask him to confess. If he could not confess that i might have to leave but if he did confess and ask for forgiveness then we could move on. I felt pressure from all around me and didn't want to address this with Venum. I secretly wished that someone could do this for me because I knew how afraid I was of him. I had always been in terrible fear of Venum..and I am not entirely sure why. I went the whole week reading the same verses over and over and praying to God about our situation. I found out that he had told Amber, the babysitter, that he was seperated and that me and the kids were just living with him for the time being...that made me angrier.

The day he came home, I was in the bathroom. He came into the bathroom and started to talk happily and greet me. He bent to kiss me hello and I shoved his hand away.

"Do not kiss me until I have a little talk with you." Spirit stood and looked him in the eye....no one but her and she was angry. Anna spoke quietly to me about how I really needed to contain her a bit but I told Anna it was quite alright because this was warranted....he needed this to take things seriously.

Venum said okay and so we went outside alone to have the talk. At first he did not confess to anything and denied everything that Candice had said. When I told him that we would not move on unless he confessed, he half assed confessed by saying that whatever I said was right. He was slimey and repulsive and he had no respect for honor or truth. He was a soldier and I was appalled at how he conducted himself to his family. He did not understand that no manner of denial would cover the things that he did. Too many people knew what he had done and it was futile to deny it. After a while of discussion, I think he began to realize what he was doing and that it was not the best avenue for him to take. He then confessed and so we talked to the elders to find out how to heal our marriage. But, I guess that was futile as well, huh...

And so...I cried and I did all the things that silly little girls do when they find out that the man they love doesn't just love or want them. It wasn't like it was the first time but it still hurt. It hurt as if It was the first time but then it shifted suddenly in the midst of all the pain and it hardened just a little more. I sat and talked with them for an hour or more until they said they had to leave. I guess it was a pitiful site to see a woman crying and hurting and they know they cannot fix it.

They left and I ran into the neighborhood to find Angel. She was there for me and so I spilled my story to her. That is when she told me that he had also flirted with her as well. It started to occur to me that I just couldn't have female friends at all. Thing was, I had not yet felt the magnitude of what life had in store for me for the future. I couldn't eat, I could barely drink water and so I just went through the motions of taking care of my children. I cooked wonderful meals and made sure they were fed. I locked the doors and then went to bed. I didn't eat for three days except to take a bit here or there just to be able to take care of them. After the fourth day with very little sustenance in my body; Angel came to find me. She came into my room and drug me out of bed and said that she loved me. She made me get up and call my aunt to come and get the kids. She told me that I needed someone else to help me and that she would keep me company after the kids left. My aunt came and got the boys and Angel bought us some Rum and whiskey. She brought up her camera and she told me that she wanted me to dress up really pretty and sexy and that she was gonna take pictures of me. She said she wasn't going to stop taking pictures until I saw how beautiful that I was. She caressed my face and then took me out to eat. She made me eat and told me things until I started to smile again. We then went back to my house and she shoved me into the bathroom with some sexy lingerie and told me to put it on. I was so shy and embarassed because my self confidence was stomped on, shredded and mutilated. She had to coax me to pose in certain ways and after a while, I was moving aroudn on my own. I crawled, danced and posed until I was laughing again...with a little help from Cocoa rum.

This was to ressurect a passion that would never end. I saw my pictures from that night and could not believe that it was me. I was happy for that moment and in two days, I was ready to take pictures again.

We gathered a huge bag of lingerie, costumes and props from my closet and hers and we ran into the woods. There I dressed as a native american hunter and Angel clicked away. We returned to my house again and got drunk taking picture after picture until we passed out.

Angel saved me that time....when I may have just wasted away. Thank you.

2008

Summer

I found a job working at a hotel called Hallmarc Inn. I covered my tattoos and walked in and just presented myself to the boss. He was a middle aged Indian man who was very out spoken. The lady whom I had spoken with beforehand, on the pre interview was very nice and softly spoken but this was a totally different situation. I kept my calm and let Anna take care of the interview...it went nicely. Dealing with Anna was much easier than dealing with Spirit and also more pleasant than Sherrie. I started to fall back on Anna to save the day more often than Spirit and of course, Spirit hated that. I sensed some pretty heavy revenge being brewed within Spirit's side of my cortex...I dreaded the day that she would release that revenge. But I got the job..it was dayshift Monday through Saturday with a day off in the middle of the week and Sundays off as well. The pay was okay for Mississippi wages but it WAS a job and that is all that Venum required of me. I learned that I would sit behind a desk and check customers in and out of the hotel and make sure that housekeeping did their jobs as well. Each shift desk clerk was like the active manager when our big boss was not in town. He lived somewhere else and he came by the hotel only once or twice a month, so it was up to us to hold down the fort. Most of the time it was uneventful...boring and mindnumbing but there was those few times that things were...strange to say the least.

One of the housekeepers, Catherine, was quiet and never really did anything to catch my attention except just being exceptionally nice. The other two were different stories. Monique was the gossiper...she got angry when you were not interested in hearing everything that she wanted to say. She talked about awful things that happened to people that she knew and wonderful times of vengeance among those people and their monsters. The other housekeeper, Bama, was a drunk and drug addict who I befriended. I know it isn't very nice to say these things about these women...but I must say the truth. I befriended Bama and tried to keep her out of trouble with the boss and with the customers. Many times, she would cuss and threaten the boss and it scared me for her. I even gave her money and shared my food with her.

But the job was okay and it helped to pay the bills. The kids stayed with their father during the day then and that worked well too. Venum and I kept going to church every Sunday and I was hard on him about things concerning other women. I didn't trust him and I tried so hard to do so...but I didn't and so it was hard to heal.

Instead of trying to keep things clean...it only got worse...and so that was how it was. There aren't always happy endings and sometimes the endings are just frayed and torn with no real answer to anything...nothing

2013-05-28T20:13:00.002-07:00

And would you heal me, oh dearly departed one?

Who am I and who is she...so mixed, so intertwined and yet so clearly defined. And who indeed is death's friend and who walks with death as his foe, talking, debating and discussing against one another in the wastelands of my mind.

And who are you....are there more and will they come to join my chaotic throng of madness until I am drawn thin and ready for death and his final words?

And yet...in all this horrible weaving and flowing of strange words, dark words....

I still hear your laughter

I hear you giggling as if everything is full of glee.

135

2013-05-28T20:11:00.002-07:00

2007

Winter

Venum came home just before Christmas and landed a job at Piper. Our Pastor was the Safety Manager there and so it seemed like a cinch. It was odd with him back home and having to answer to someone again. I struggled more with keeping Spirit contained and out of trouble. I did notice, however, that Venum was still very secretive and was still staying out after he would get off work. Several times when he was gone, my phone would ring and when I picked it up, they would hang up. I knew Melissa had my number again but wondered how. I had changed our home number at least three times since she started to become so crazy.

I asked Venum about her some time after he returned from training and he just denied ever having any relations with her at all. I was stunned at how he still denied it...but I dropped it for now.

2007

Winter

Damian was in his last year of elementary school and he was very excited about growing up. I started to picture him growing up and moving away and it was just too much for me and so I pushed the thought away for the time being. Dorian was in head start and Devon had one more year to be home with momma, in fact; Devon was in line to be going to head start in the next school year.

Venum started talking about me getting a job and I really wasn't happy about it. I wanted to work for myself so badly that I couldn't stand it. There were many reasons why I wanted to stay home. One reason was quickly disappearing and that reason was because I wanted to raise my babies....i had accomplished that and they were leaving for school. Another reason was because for years I had worked off and on to help with the bills only to have Venum spend his money on drugs, alcohol, toys and women. I was disgusted by this and it made me stubborn. The other reason was because Iknew I was different and sometimes, I had problems with dealing with 'normal' people...and not to mention, the pure joy and freedom that I got when staying at home. And so we disagreed about it all. In the end, he won...as he usually did and I started looking for a job.

2008

Spring

I met one of my best friends and her name was Angel. I knew he from the neighborhood in passing and from the grocery store. But one day, she came to my house to ask if her son could play with mine and so we started to talk. Venum was there and he met her too. She seemed like a good person and so I invited her to come hang out with me sometime. I told her that I was looking for a job and that I might not always be around to hang out with her during the day and so we might as well get to know each other now...and we did.

Angel had car trouble one day and Venum stopped and helped her get her car started. He told me that she was so excited that she hugged him and she didn't even really know him. At the time, I thought it was cute.

I learned things about Angel...private things that kind of shocked me. I heard that she and her husband had an open marriage. I told her in so many ways that I wasn't interested. There was more than one reason why I wasn't interested in having an adventure with them. Although, I must add, she never really formally asked me to anyway. One reason was because I did not trust Venum with women at all at this point. Another reason was because I was just not interested at the time and I was confused about love and life. I was still very fixated on Gavin and nothing else could take his place in my mind.

And so, me and Angel talked of other things as I got used to the facts of what she told me. I wanted to be her friend no matter who or what she was and so I did that.

2008

Spring.

I met Darla and she was sweet. But I just met her, and at first...she was just an aquaintance. After a while, I got to know her better and then I met her sister in law, Tracey. I noticed that Darla seemed to talk to Gavin lots and she smiled at him too. It became apparent that she liked him and maybe even as I liked him. Thing was, Darla was just 19 and much more suited to Gavin than I was. At this time, I was 33, Gavin was 23 and she was 19. The math showed the simple solution in age...you would think. But I just couldn't put him out of my mind. I decided then and there that the only way I would be able to stop wanting Gavin was to write about him.

2008

I started something and it was odd. I decided to create the story of Spirit, the Dark Faerie... And so I did. Spirit was born to fairy parents, or so the story went. She was born but she was very sick and so the fairies didn't want her. One night....the fairies crept up to a small farm house where a couple, a son and a newborn daughter were sleeping. The fairies, they snuck into the window of the nursery and switched Spirit(the sick fairy baby) with the human child. The little boy, who was seven(my brother Allen) he witnessed the whole thing and that is why he always hated Spirit. Little did he know, but when he was an infant, he was switched with a demon...which is much more controversial. Because of such demented children, the parents would go mad and the youngsters would run away into the forest and create a normal life in their heads before returning to society. Spirit would become a college professor while Allen and his dark demon half...would become quite famous in the world of Horror and Sci fi. This was my story and yet there was more. When the young man(Gavin) would register for college...little did he know, he would be taking one of Ms. Kimana's(Spirit, the dark faeries) classes and they would fall deeply in love.

This was my plan to get rid of Gavin. I would write him away until at the end of the story...he would die to save Spirit from the evil faeries. Then in real life, Gavin would never know about her love for him...and she would be free from the agonizing reality of never being with him.
Seemed like a plan....but nothing ever really goes according to plan, does it.

2008

Spring

I wrote and wrote and wrote and the more I wrote, the less I cared about what Venum was doing. I would read parts of my story to Damian to see if the magical parts would make him smile. He seemed to love the story but I would stop just short of anything disturbing. I wrote first in pen and then I got high speed internet. At fist, I never really used the internet...I only used the documents to created my chapters on my book. I rewrote and rewrote the story until I thought I had it in full. I then let my brother read it who said that it really needed a lot of work and sounded kinda childish. So I wrote it again. I had manuscripts all over the place, stuck in the book shelf, in duffle bags, in boxes and then finally I started to rip up old manuscripts and rely on two forms of the story only. Then, when I was confident...i told Angel about GAvin...bit by bit...I told her. I think it was the first time I realized that I could trust her. Then I told Angel about the story and she seemed to really enjoy the whole idea.
I never really realized that with every moment that I created the story, Spirit took a breath. She grew stronger and stronger with every line and every edit. I had no idea what I was doing. Thing is...I never even realized where the whole idea came from. But one night, in a dream...she came to me.

2008

The Spirit dream

I was sitting in the darkness where I love to sit and just be with me. It was quiet there at first, just like it was most of the time. I dreamed now on many occasions where I am sitting in the darkness touching my face and smiling. I am knowing myself without the influence of anything, or anyone. I am alone.

But then I hear a voice, a distant voice and it is a sound and pitch that I had forgotten some time ago. I listen intently as the voice grows nearer to me...and then I see a small light growing. And then there is a face, a small freckled face framed by the reddest hair...and imprinted with green green eyes. She smiles and I know her...Anna. She comes and sits with me putting the candle at our feet. She reaches over and caressed my face and then she looks sad. I speak to her.

"I am so sorry for what happened to you, Anna." I frown and I know that because I feel it.

She smiles again "No need for sorrys, I am here to help you. I was gone for way too long and death is no excuse."

I tilt my head in wonder at her beautiful voice "But death cannot be helped, Anna. It is not your fault."

She laughs and the sound tickles my ears. It is not like Spirit's laugh but it is innocent and beautiful. "I am here to balance you.....and her. You are headed for disaster if you do not control her...she is dangerous...deadly, I might even venture to say."

When Anna spoke those words I feel fear...fear of something near to us. "She is here, Anna...I feel her."

"Yes, she is and she loves you because she is you. I am not saying that you should punish her at all. She deserves her freedom and she deserves everything that she desires...because she is simply you...uninhibited by anything...anything at all." Anna pauses then rethinks her statement. "She deserves everything but....true freedom can be very dangerous unless you know how to balance. I am here for that. I am your logic, your reason."

I frowned again and yes, I felt it crack across my face and knew it for the negative feeling it gave.

"But Anna, if Spirit is freedom and you are logic...then what am I...what is Sherrie?"

A tear descended from Anna's cheek and hit her breast which was speckled all over with freckles. She looked very sad. "Oh...my dear, Sherrie is unhealed pain....horrendous pain. Sherrie cannot filter the pain through... pain and darkness...she is also unihibited...but if left with her own devices...Sherrie will soon end her suffering. sherrie is truth, stark and bitter truth of her insanity, madness and torture. Sherrie forgets nothing, nothing especially herself. She is quiet and timid giving everythign of herself to benefit others but she is punishment, she is hurting and pulsating fear...this is Sherrie." Anna looks around at the darkness surrounding her and looks back at me. "Sherrie is here, you are her and Sherrie is hearing this with her physical soul. Sherrie is the little girl who died so long ago in the arms of death and so lives again through death...do you remember Death, Sherrie?"

At that moment, memories flashed through my head of broken dolls and little bottles of poison, Cami's face as I was choking her and my parent's death as a dark figure stood just at their bedside. I gasped and my breath came fast and in spurts. "I...I ...I know death...I sent him away."

Anna smiled a sad smile and then she said..."No, he dug a hole inside you...there..." she poked my chest just where my heart would be. " he dug a hole and then he climbed right in. Death walks with you and you walk with death."

At that moment, the words of Rides Lightning came to me of Spirit's meaning. "Spiritwalker, walks among the dead."

That moment...that is when I heard the other laughter. It was her laughter and it was mocking yet very comforting at the same time. I heard Spirit laugh at me because she was free...

And maybe, just maybe she wasn't the one we had to worry about.
......................
I woke and I started to write...not just about Spirit and her story...but I wrote everything. I took a notebook and filled it with various thoughts and random shit. I wrote from front to back and on the cover itself. Then I found another notebook. I wrote until my fingers cramped and swoll. I waited a while, fed my children, watched television a bit and then I wrote again. By the end of the day, there were several files on my computer filled with writings...notebooks stacked on the chair filled with scribbles....some pure nonesense and some revelations. I wrote it out and that night, I lay awake, things rushing through my head...I just could not sleep. The light from the bathroom reminded me of Anna. I spoke to her just to see what would happen. Inside my head, I heard a small still voice.
"Yes, I am here."
............
And then there were three.

134

2013-05-27T11:29:00.001-07:00

2007

Late summer

Me and the boys and my aunt as well; we all went to Kentucky at Fort Knox to see Venum graduate from basic training. It was a long trip and the kids were ill and tired most of the way. When I didn't drive, I sat in the passenger seat and listened to my ipod. After about 6 hours or so, we were at Fort Knox and was able to settle in for graduation.

The ceremony was beautiful and the auditorium was so crowded that I had to stand behind many rows of soldier's families just to get inside the building. I held the video camera above my head and angled the screen down toward my eyes so that I could see what was in front of the rows of people. I ended up getting a fairly good video of what was going on but not as good as I should have gotten. I think we were late getting to the graduation hall.

They did not allow us to spend much time with Venum before they send him back to his barracks. We were allowed to eat lunch with him and talk but we didn't even have the opportunity to spend the night with him until we had to get ready to go back home. After basic training was over, they would be sending him to Maryland, near Baltimore, to AIT training for an additional 3 months. It would be some time before the family was reunited.

2007

Venum was in AIT for a month and then he decided that I should come and visit. I was at once very frightened by the idea. Going to Maryland would require an airplane ride, not to mention two trips in the air. At once, I started to argue with Venum about making the trip. But he was adamant about the whole thing. He said he really needed to see me and he needed some sexual relief. This made me blush and I was instantly more willing to make the trip.

I started searching for cheap airfair online and found a very affordable price through one of the online travel sites. I told Venum while making the plans about all the money that I had to spend to get caught up with the bills. He seemed to think everything was okay but I could sense some resentment. I went ahead and scheduled the flight and dropped the subject for mow. I would be leavin in 2 weeks to fly to Maryland to see my soldier.

2007

I was going alone and I had found a cheuffer to drive me around when I got to Maryland. He seemed quite expensive but I was told to use whatever money I needed to use to get to Venum....Venum's words exactly. During the next week, the week of my birthday, I had decided to get my back peirced. I knew that Venum had seen several pictures of exotic peircings and he had commented on how sexy they were. I thought I would be a pleasant surprise if I got my back peirced before my trip to Maryland. I made plans to go to the tattoo shop with my brother and get the job done.

Before Venum had left for basic training, we had gotten a new puppy and now the puppy had grown so very big. The night that I went for the peircing, I left Mix (our half wolf half siberian Labrador) outside to roam around. I guess that was a bad idea because of what was to happen.

I left for my peircing the afternoon of my birthday and was lying on the gurney by 6 oclock. I lay still while the artist shoved a needle the size of a crochet needle through one piece of skin and out the other side of the folder meat. I felt it...raw and sharp with pain. The first two peircings were okay and I could handle the pain but the last two were smart...hurting much worse than the first ones. I lay there and waited for the last one to happen and then it was on me. With this last one, I came up off that gurney and arched my back in pain. But no matter how bad it hurt, I would not yelp, I would not cry and I would not whimper. Instantly, i thought of the nurse in the abortion clinic and how she had told me to shut up. She had said that this was what I wanted so why should I cry. It made sense and so I pushed myself back down and relaxed. I felt the blood pour down each side of my body and pool on the gurney. I smiled.

After the job was done, they bandaged me up and sent me on my way. Me and my brother talked about all sorts of things as we road back to my house. The kids had gone to my aunts for the week and were to stay there until I got back from Maryland. It was just me and my brother and we were talking about spending the rest of the night roaming the back roads and taking pictures of old cemetaries in the area. When we pulled in my driveway, we changed our mind about the whole night's plans. Mix lay dead at the edge of the road. Apparently, she had been hit by a car while I let her roam the yard.

My birthday

2007

I had to call Venum and tell him of Mix's death. While I was talking to him, I started to cry and then I fainted. We had become very attached to that dog just as all the other pets that we once had. He told me to get myself together and go find someone to bury her.

I got off the phone and looked at my brother. He gave me a strange look because he knew why I was looking at him. We were to dig a huge grave that night and he realized suddenly what a job lay ahead of him. And so we went outside to find a shovel.

The ground was hard, it was cold then...colder than usual for that time of year and the moon was huge and full. It was a really creepy night. We found a pick ax and a shovel and we started working on the hard ground with our tools. Before long, we had just a shallow hole and we were out of breath. I looked down and saw blood dripping from my wrist and onto the ground.

"damnit"

My brother looked up at me with his dark eyes. "what...what is it?"

I smiled a crimson smile and my burgundy hair fell into my eyes. My dark eyes must have glimmered in that moon light...I felt Spirit very near. "I am bleeding again."

I held up one arm clad in my black jacket and I let the red drop hit the dirt. Then I stopped digging and pulled off my jacket. The blood had soaked through my shirt and was running down my arms.
"Seems as though they clipped both my wings, huh?" I laughed at my brother and he just sneered.
"You need something done with that. It will get infected." he grumbled and then his ebony hair fell in his eyes as well. For a moment, I saw his other smiling and then suddenly it disappeared. I never really knew his other because he always suffocated it for no one to see.

"We have to dig this grave first...then we can tend to my wounds...deal"

he shook his head and then continued to dig.

My neighbor, a former wrestler, saw what we were doing and wandered over to help us. With us three, we had the hole dug in no time and lifted Mix to her resting place. We covered her and then shed a few tears. Then, I knew it...I had to clean my wounds...inside and out.

My birthday

2007

My brother worked at the hospital as a Radiology Tech and he got me in through the back entrance. We found the supply room and found a nurse who didn't talk too much. The nurse cleaned me up and I was good as new. We went back to my house and watched movies until we fell asleep. It took a few days for me to get used to the peircings and their pain.

2007

Winter

My brother drove me to Nashville to catch my flight because leaving from Nashville is 200 dollars cheaper than leaving from Memphis...no joke!

I left for Maryland on a plane and I was terrified. The moment the plane took off, I was scared and I was watching everyones reactions to the flight. There were women in the seats across from me and they were crying..this upset me more. I was never happier when my plane landed in Maryland. But then what was I to do. I wasn't to meet my cheuffer until the next morning and I had nowhere to stay for the night. I caught a shuttle to College Park, which was right outside Maryland and when the shuttle stopped, I eyed a hotel. There was a vacancy there and so I snagged it quickly. I was on my own and it was frightning in ways. I landed a nice stay that night in College Park. The hotel had a bar and restaurant and so I got dressed up and went downstairs to enjoy a drink. Spirit was pushing and pushing to get out and start some mischevious adventure but I told her no. I told her that it was too dangerous and she might bite off more than she could chew. She only half way listened because I skipped to the elevator and then skipped to the bar. I swung around the bar seat and ordered a Margarita. Some guys were playing pool in the corner adn they kept trying to talk to me. I pinched the underbelly of my arm to keep Spirit at bay. She gripped that bar so hard and she bit my lip in retaliation. She wante to play...she wanted to own and she wanted to be free. I sat there for a while and one of the guys came to sit with me. He talked and talked about things that I just cannot remember. I just remember spirit turning to him and smiling.

"So, you wish to come over here and talk to me...never knowing what or who I am?"

The guys reaction was strange. He frowned and then he laughed at me. "I am sorry ma'am, I didn't
introduce myself properly. My name is Adam and your name?"

I looked at him and leaned back against the man behind me whom turned in shock at my sudden touch. "I am Spirit and I know who you are. The question is...do you really know what I am?

The man frowned and looked surprised then he rebounded with a smile. "Uh...no, but you could show me."

I felt her smiling and then some girl came up to Adam and whispered into his ear. Then she punched him in the side and he yelped.

"I am sorry, uh..Spirit. I have to go now."

I smiled and finished my drink. The man behind me started to talk to me but I ignored him. I rammed my knee into the bar making an explosion of pain erupt through my knee cap. I grimaced and put my face on the bar. I had to stop her, she was ridiculous and uncontrollable. I ordered a to go box of food and retired to my room...I hobbled half the way up and cursed Spirit.

When I got to the room, I made three incisions underneath my upper arm just to remind her that she had been bad. She never bothered anyone else that night...The door remained locked and I slept the whole night through.

The next morning, I met Jobo, my cheuffer at the front entrance. From here, he was to take me to the base to pick up my soldier. We arrived mid morning and Venum got into the limosine. We left to return to College Park but to a different hotel. I thought it would be best. When we arrived, I showed Venum my peircings and he loved them. He was so turned on that he couldnt keep his hands from under my mini plaid skirt while I was checking us into our room. When we got to our room, we fucked for hours...over and over. It was hot, it was kinky and it was unusual from what we usually experienced. We had been apart and now it was different from our mundane sex life. After the sex, we order food and watched television till morning.

The next day, we walked around the town of College Park and enjoyed the various shops and sites. We stayed drunk most of the time and we would wander the streets intoxicated. At some point, Venum's eyes became extremely irritated and he could not hold them open. We were already out on the streets, miles from our hotel; so I had to lead him like a blind man. I saw a three story beatnik coffee house and I begged for Venum to go there with me. He said I could lead him into the building and have a coffee and so I did. It was an odd sight. A red haired green eyed (i had recently started wearing green contacts) lady with a plaid mini skirt, fur boots and see thru top guiding a blind man who dressed as a thug...leading him into a coffee house filled with hippies and beatniks and listening to classic rock while drinking exotic coffee. I loved it, to be honest. I was enjoying the oddness of everything and I didn't want to go home just yet. Besides, we were already drunk and everything seemed so sureal.

The next morning, Venum had to report back to the base and I had to go home. I was very sad and i think he was too. The thing is, he never really showed as much emotion as I did so I never really knew how he felt. I would miss him so and I held his hand all the way back to the airport. We went our seperate ways I climbed aboard my flight.

The only condolences I got were from the cute man who comforted me during my turbulent flight home. It wasn't as bad as it sounded, I was really scared, i was suddenly very lonely and yes, he was attractive. After an hour or so, I was seeing the lights of the city of Memphis. IN another 30 minutes, I was standing outside the airport watching my babies waving at me from my aunt's car. I was suddenly very very glad that I was back home. I was glad I had to leave and come back. My true loves were here.

non flammable

2013-05-27T00:15:00.000-07:00

I listen to you talk and I can taste your words in my mouth. Your eyes are as deep as mine, filled with things that have brought you here to me...things of secret and of pain. I listen to your words and I hear other words encased in the sentences you speak. It is as if there were prisons erupting from your mouth and the things within them were screaming to be freed into their destinies. I listen to you speaking and I know you every time your tongue moves behind your lips. I want to kiss you and to feel the words before they are born. I want to taste your reality as thick as the reality you hide away. I want to breathe you and to know that which you have left buried beneath the man who they would want you to be.

I want to listen and to sit still as you make me still...and they are with me...smiling, loving and embracing your presence.

The dark, the logic and the spirit....are one in your presence. I have seen you time and time again and I am never adapt at capturing you....your soul has passed in and out of my existence many times before, in many forms...surprising and enticing me.... and I would know you as the others know you

You would calm, unite and heal....

As I said ago when my souls knew the secret of you...

you keep me still...

133

2013-05-26T23:54:00.000-07:00

2007

Spring

I remember right before Venum left for basic training and how I had to take him to Little Rock. Me and Venum's mother traveled in our car to take Venum to some sort of classses in Arkansas for a whole month. I remember spending that whole month alone and feeling a small bit of what it felt like to live alone...but it wasn't enough to really understand living alone and so It didn't really stick with me all that well. I remember when he returned, how he had to make an excuse to go see Melissa. He often made excuses to go see her, otherwise she would go mental and start blowing up his phone. I never understood how he endured her for so long.

When Venum was gone to basic, I gradually got a feel for living on my own. The first few weeks were okay and then it was hell for me. The Army did not send in Venum's money until a month after he was gone which meant that every bill was a month late. I had not made any preparations to work and so I was on my own. I had both babies that I was trying to raise and I only had Damian to help me at home. During the first month away and without any pay it was very hard. I had a bird at the time and I had to feed my bird cereal and that killed him. I was too dumb then to know that rice killed birds; I was just trying to find something to keep him alive. I had no money for bird food and only 5 dollars for gas. I used the 5 dollars to go to my parent's old house to stay with my brother so that we could eat. It was the summer and so school was out, that made things a little easier. I got on the computer and I started to email, I got on the phone and I called the recruiter as well and asked him why there wasn't any money in the account. Venum had assured me that there would be money in the account just a couple days after he left. The recruiter told me that I would have to wait until the first of the next month to get money. He also asked me why I didn't have access to Venum's recruiting money and I told him the truth. Venum had told me that he needed all that money and he could not give me any of it for my basic needs. He had told me that I could only use a certain amount of his pay as well when it hit the bank. I was actually given an allowance to live on. The recruiter told me that Venum had 4 thousand dollars in his recruiter account and that it was nonesense that he kept it all...but he did. And so I waited and lived off my brother until the money went into the bank.

When the money hit the bank, I had to pay double the bills and food as well. The sewage backed up and i had to pay to have the lines fixed too. I had various problems with the car and with other aspects of the house. After everything was taken care of, I was so angry and I took about 300 dollars and went shopping with a girlfriend. Sometimes when he made me half way starve, I got angry like that. Especially when he was buying computers and clothes with his recruiting bonus. I found out later that he had plenty of money and was getting fed for free as well. I have respect for soldiers, I do, but they can choose between right and wrong just like anyone else and when they are wrong, they are wrong...same as you and I....and to let a family go without...is just wrong even if the mom is a stay at home mom. You protect us and give us freedom....but you are not supposed to neglect us while putting on a face for society.

2007

I learned that I was likeable...at least to a certain point. I started to socialize a bit and when I didn't socialize, I would sit outside and read a nice book. No one yelled at me from inside...no one expected anything from me at all. It was about two months before I got the first letter from Venum and I started to wonder if I had just been alone all this time and had dreamed of him for a spell.
When the letter arrived, I saw that he was lonely. I read the letter and prepared to write back. I told him about everything that had happened after he left. I told him about what the boys were doing and how the property looked. I kept the letter peaceful and sent the return as fast as I could. EVery week, I would get two letters at least and Venum would worry if I didn't send a letter back as soon as I got the first one. He said that the only way he could keep contact was through writing because they kept them on severe lock down most of the time. The letters started to get more beautiful the longer that we wrote and I started to soften toward Venum. I started to write in colored ink and he started to do the same. I even wrote a poem to him and he started to tell me what the stars looked like where he was. In my mind, I saw us getting closer adn it made me smile with contentment. I would wait by the mail box everyday and wonder if I was going to get a letter. AFter a while, I actually got a letter almost everyday.

Meanwhile, me and the boys became so close to one another. We would rent movies and have pizza almost every weekend. We took trips to the zoo with my aunt and my brother and tried to stay busy with good things. At night, I would jump on the trampolene and listen to my ipod and during the day, I would roam the woods and play with the things of the forest. My hair grew and grew to my waist again. I kept it trimmed to just above my ass. I stayed in the sun and I was always very thin. I gave in and let Spirit have free reign of my body except when I would write the letters. Then I would make her be quiet and so Sherrie would talk to Venum. I was happy then, I remember it so well and yet, I do not recall very much at the same time. But I learned something valuable.

Only Sherrie was a friend to Venum. Spirit was never passionate toward him unless it was anger oriented. I do not know why exactly that this is but it centers around the fact that Venum was always very controlling. Spirit would only come around at Sherrie's rescue. If Venum tried to bring Spirit out of Sherrie, Spirit would just growl under her breath and bury her face in Sherrie's mind. Sherrie would stay there and try to be the good wife that Venum wanted.

Some are a friend of both....and they are very special indeed...they can talk to both of me and never miss a beat. While some are just a friend to one or the other, which is much more common.

But, I say that it is hard to say goodbye to a friend of both...very hard indeed...and these are usually the ones who go away.

132

2013-05-26T23:24:00.001-07:00

2006

Summer

Venum had passed his test and he was now a member of the military. He would not be leaving for basic training until late 2006/2007 and so he decided to work as a recruiter until it was time for him to leave. The only other job that Venum had was working part time at the shop he managed. He and Cody worked together and made money as the jobs came...which wasn't very often. Meanwhile Venum would work on cars behind our house in the makeshift garage he had. I remembered doing work for Venum when I was pregnant with Devon. Once he had messed up some door jams because the paint wasn't mixed right and I had to sand off the paint while Venum was at work. I helped Venum quit often when he worked on cars to make side money. I knew how badly we needed the money and so I was willing to work in all sorts of conditions. At this point we were hurting pretty badly for money and all we had were side jobs. I wasn't working at this time because I had quit my job with the Salvation army and was staying at home with Devon. Venum was always trying to get me to go back to work but I wanted to stay at home until Devon could start kindergarten at least. He was just one year old and I was just making sure that I got to spend as much time with the kids as possible. At this time, I got to stay with both Dorian and Devon and witness a big part of their growing up. I wouldn't have changed it for anything. Another reason that I stayed at home is because I knew that If I worked, Venum would make me pay all the bills while his money went to whatever he wanted for pleasure...that was how it usually was and so I stuck with my stubborness.

2006

Summer

I also nursed Devon for a very long time. I remember going fishing and having to squeeze the milk from my breasts onto a towel that Venum had in his truck. I had gotten used to this by now and so it wasn't such a problem. When I returned home, I fed Devon and went about my business. I would miss having babies. When I was brought out of the delivery room, Venum instructed the doctor to go ahead and tie my tubes to prevent any more pregnancies. It was not exactly done with my consent and when I awoke, I was angry. It was just something that I had to deal with as time went on. I still want more babies, to be honest, but I guess it is too late for that.

2006

Fall

I dreamed of her...Melissa. I dreamed that I walked into this room with white walls and saw them standing in the corner...Venum and Melissa. As they talked I walked closer to them. Melissa turned around and she smiled at me. She spoke and I will always remember what she said to me.

"Hey, watch what I can do to him."

Melissa grabbed hold of Venum and forced her breath into his mouth. It was a creepy thing, really. I saw her face turn white and it started to spin round and round like the exorcist. A demon passed from her into Venum and he started to scream. Both their heads started to turn rapidly and they walked toward me. They wanted to give me the demon and I woke up. I woke screaming at the top of my lungs and Venum woke up too because I was screaming. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that it was after me....I never said what it was. I climbed onto the couch and pulled my feet up. I sat there for a very long time and shivered.

2006

I never forgot Gavin because I couldn't forget him... I still saw him every Sunday. When I saw him, I loved to have him smile at me. And every time that I saw him, I realized that I was still so very smitten with him. He was simply beautiful. And why shouldn't I enjoy looking at Gavin, Venum was still seeing Melissa. Just a few days before I had asked him to stop talking to her and he told me that If I forced him to make a choice then he would probably make one that I did not like...which meant he would dump me for her. And so I left it alone and just spent my time thinking of Gavin instead. I guess my fantasy at least kept me from other drama. I even had these fantasies of him. I would dream of him kissing my with his full lips and I would dream of him taking my breast into his mouth. Oh, I had such sordid fantasies and dreams of Gavin. Even during church service, I would dream of him taking me in the bathrooms, the storage closets and even on the desks in the pastor's office. I was so bad.

2006/2007
Winter

The time had drawn near for Venum to leave for Basic training. I had mixed emotions but I sincerely loved him. I cannot say if the love was the same as before, but I knew that I wished him well and that I would miss him. I remember the day that he left and that he downloaded some music to his computer to listen to. It was a song by staind that we listened to when he left. We drove to Memphis and listened to that song, we drove to the building where Venum would be getting on the bus and we listened to that song again. We listened to that song and I cannot remember the name...but we both liked it really well. When he left that day and I watched him get on the bus with his fatigues on, I kept listening to that song over and over to remind me that I loved him...I know it sounds silly but it helped me in ways. I didn't want him to go and I did not know what I would do without him. AFter he left, I cried... and then I slept for a whole day.

131

2013-05-26T14:03:00.003-07:00

2005

Summer

After Devon was born, neither Venum nor I had a job for at least a month. During this time, we lived off whatever he made doing body work on cars in the back of the house. Even though we didn't really have much money, Venum bought a pool and we all played in the pool off and on during the day. Venum's friend Cody came over and we all hung out and played in the pool. After a while, Venum started managing a shop again and making whatever money he could according to the jobs that he had. It didn't take me long to find out that he was seeing Melissa again. I went to take him lunch one day and saw her truck parked in the shop. I asked him about it and he said that her husband needed some work done and he was working on the truck for him. On another occasion, I went to the shop and she was there. As she was leaving she told me that Venum was with her when I was calling him to come to the hospital for Devon's birth. She said she kept telling him that he should be with me but he wouldnt leave. If hadn't had Devon in my arms that time, I might have hit her. I never quite had the opportunity to do what I wanted when I seen her. She jumped in her care, laughed at me and drove away. When I asked Venum about what she said, he denied it. He always denied he. He had this gift of taking my face into his hands, rubbing my hair from my eyes and telling me that he promised that she meant nothing to him, that she was crazy and she was a liar. It was weird...I somehow felt sorry for her because of the way my husband fucked her and then called her crazy. The world was such a disgusting place filled with some of the most dispicable people and I wasn't the only dispicable one.

2005

Fall

I went to visit my father and took the kids. He wasn't doing to well by then and I wanted to try and spend as much time with him as possible. Ever since my mother died, he hadn't been the same. Every Christmas and every other holiday in which they had spend together, he was miserable. His health began to decline gradually since her death and he was now having dialysis twice a week, had endured another heart surgery and other small things were wrong with him. The most recent problem he was having dealt with his nerves. He was losing the feeling in his fingertips. This seemed to disturbe him the most and he talked to me about it. He told me that it was horrible to him because he wanted nothing more than to feel the boy's soft curls beneathe his fingertips. He said that the inability to do that made him very sad. The doctors said that the feeling was was also going away because of his diabetes and that it was getting much worse. The doctors said that his diabetes was the root of most of his problems and that he needed to eat better. My father's opinion on eating better was very strong. He felt that if he couldn't eat whatever he wanted, he had rather die. My father's health deteriorated at a rapid rate when he decided that he just didn't give a fuck anymore. I took my children to see him on a more regular basis and he grew to really love Devon. I can say that he had the opportunity to meet them all.

2005

Fall

Cody, Venum's best friend, joined the National Guard and both Venum and I thought he was insane. No much longer after Cody joined, he had talked Venum into joining as well. I was shocked but there was really nothing that I could do to change his mind. Venum brought a recruiter to the house to talk to me and tell me what the Guard consisted of. Before the recruiter left, we were promised so many things to help us out as a family...most of which were lies. We did recieve a nice bonus for Venum joining. He was to report to take his test in a couple of weeks... and so he started to study for the test.

2006

Spring (April)

My father's health had gotten much much worse and he was giving my aunt a very hard time with is attitude. He was irritable and then other times he would just sleep. His eyes began to get glassed over and drawn. I decided to go see him more often and I tried to do that. One day, I decided to go was on a Sunday. I took the children with me and decided to cook lunch for him. My father was used to my mother's cooking and he was always so very critical of my cooking. He never had a completely positive thing to say about my cooking. Even though I thought I could cook pretty good, nothing could compare to mother. That day, I should have known that somethign was wrong because he ate everything on his plate and said that it was very good. And I had followed his diabetic cookbook to the T. I talked to him at the table and noticed that his eyes were even more glassed over than before. He seemed like he was on some drug. I hugged him and told him that I loved him. I let the kids sit in his lap and hug him as well. He had just had a procedure done the day before which consisted of having some sort of clot pushed out of his arteries. I never really understood what it was about and so I talke to my aunt while I was there as well. Before I left, daddy went to bed and slept. I tried to rouse him to say good bye but he mumbled. So I left him there with my brother.
Deep within the night, my brother called and said that they had to rush him to the hospital. When morning came, I we all went to Tupleo to the hospital to see my father. They said he was in the intensive care in a coma....the outlook was bad.

2006

April

The family said that he had gotten out of bed sometime within the night and fell on his face. He did not get back up. When my brother found out he was in the floor, he turned him over thinking he was dead. My father was still breahting and my brother called 911. The report was that when the procedure pushed out the clot, it traveled to my father's brain and he suffered from an aneurism. The doctors said that it was very unlikely that my father would survive this...and we just had to wait and see what happened. They said if he lived he would simply be brain dead. So we waited and hoped for a miracle because our church family believed in prayer. The elders came, the other family came and we waited. From Monday until Friday, we waited and we came and went. During the day, we played poker in the waiting room and we read magazines. My brother in law came with my sister and their two kids and he was forced to be face to face with Venum. Finally, after all these years, they made peace with each other. But honestly, I didn't know if I really cared anymore. I was wanting my daddy to talk to...I was wanting my mommy to talk to and I had neither of them to talk to. I went to my brother because he was the only one who understood me at all. He was there with me until the end and I am forver grateful for that. On Friday, my father's blood pressure dropped drastically and my memories started to flood me again...like with mother. I rememered that I was always my daddy's little girl. Everywhere that he went, i wanted to go. Although he beat me and he was hard on my by screaming and yelling at me; he was my daddy..my hero...and he was leaving me forever. My heart started to really hurt and finally I felt the full pain. Everyone and everything around me disappeared and it was only me and him. It is truly sad that we do not recognize how much someone means to us until we are watching them leave us....it is true. WE wait and we wait and we think that there will be another day when there is none left...it is over. And so that day was here and I was rotten to myself again...I was wishing back my whole life and time that I left him alone with his grief. I wanted my daddy and so I went to his bedside and lay my hand on his cheek. I only knew one thing that I wished to say to him.

"Daddy, I love you and I will always be your little girl."

Now, you have to understand. The doctors said that he could not respond, he could not see, nor could her hear anything. He was only breathing and he was leaving gradually. They said we could talk but there really was no need because he would never understand what we were saying. But I think they were idiots.

I told my daddy that I would always be his little girl and I saw something amazing. A tear rolled down my daddy's cheek and I saw him smile. It was amazing, I tell you...that smile. I was just like when he would look down at me when I would get dirty or I would tug at his pants leg. I fell on his chest and cried...then I had to leave the room. As soon as I left, I heard them yell and call for me. When I came back to his bedside, he was gone.

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2013-05-26T12:39:00.003-07:00

2005

Spring

After the graduation, I felt a little relief. I had left work on maturnity leave and I would not go back either. Apparently, the ladies who were managing the Salvation Army were very racist. On several occasions during my pregnancy, they had made comments about my unborn child, about how I was better to african people and how their church would never allow me to attend because husband was black. They made many many comments which hurt me but the one which i will never foget is the comment they said right before my maturnity leave. The boss was looking at a book with pictures of babies in it and she asked me if I would miss having white babies. I didn't really understand the question in its entirety because, to be honest, I had never had white babies. I was hurt, though, by the comment and decided at that very moment that I would not be returned to Salvation Army as an employee. When I left that day, I drove up to the daycare to pick up Dorian. Before I went inside, I cried about the statement. No one knows how much racism hurts until they are faced with it and it directly affects their families and loved ones.

2005

Spring

Venum and I got into a terrible fight one day about Melissa. We were at Wal Mart and they were talking. I noticed that he was so very nice to her and just stood there right in front of me and talked to her as if they weren't fucking, as if they had nothing to do with each other outside of public. It sickened me. We then had to go to a friend of mine's house to drop off Damian and Dorian to spend the night with my friend's son. By the time we got to her house, Venum and I were fighting terribly about Melissa. When we got out of the car and took Damian and Dorian inside, Venum walked back out and walked down the road. He refused to get back in the car. Me and my girlfriend both walked after him trying to get him to get back in the car. I even apologized about the whole argument and promised to not talk of it again. He refused to come back to the car. I was 8 months pregnant and I was chasing my husband down the highway...followed by my girlfriend who was also crying. She was very close to us and had been for years and did not want to see us unhappy. Eventually, I had to go back and get in the car. I followed him for quite some time before I decided to go home and try to call him. I called and called his phone for quite some time and then realized that he would not call me back. I went inside and then I heard his father's truck cranking up. I looked outside and noticed that he was leaving in his father's truck. He stayed gone for hours and hours on into the night. When he came home, he was drunk. I went out to the truck to try and get him to come in and go to sleep but he wouldn't. I climbed into the truck and slept there beside him all night. The next morning we talked and then went to his father's grave. There he greived and I stood with him, supporting him all the while. On the way home, he looked at me and motioned for me to come and sit near him in the truck. He put his arm around me and was silent...I was silent too.

I didn't know how much longer we could do this.

2005

June

I was doing my housework and wondering when Devon was going to come. I was already dilated quite a bit but the doctor said that I just had to wait. Dorian was talking and jabbering to Devon constantly. Dorian would climb upon my belly and sing to Devon, he would poke at him and he would talk. It was the cutest thing you will ever see. I could have sworn that they were twins if one wasn't already born. Every moment that Dorian was home, he was on my belly or lying next to me. HIs little eyes would get wide and he would look up at me and say..."Momma"...then he would gasp then he would giggle. Damian would put his ear to my tummy and laugh. He was now in the second grade and he was still in gifted class. His grades were phenomenal and I could not have been prouder. He had made second place in the derby races and he was winning awards in his church classes as well. The hell that surrounded Damian did not seem to bother his intellect at all. I was so very proud of them for overcoming the home life that they were brought up in and this made me want to do better by them.

I remember cooking every day and sometimes three times a day back then...washing everything even the baseboards and walls. I was nesting and everything was spotless. Despite my unhappiness in my relationship, I tried desperately to make my own happiness. Spirit came and she went as she would. When she came, Damian and Dorian would laugh with her and dance around her as if she was just another kid. Then when she left, Damian went back to his chores and work because he knew that it was serious time again. Over time, the children adjusted to the switching pretty well. It was not until years and years later that I would discover just how difficult it was for Damian dealing with my mood changes. I found out and it broke my heart in ways that he....preferred Spirit.

2005

June 27

I went to the doctor's office and they told me that I should just admit myself to the hospital right away. They said that it was time for Devon to be born. I went to the daycare to see if they would keep Dorian for me for a while. He had not been staying at the daycare since I had quite my job but I needed someone to watch him so that I could go to the hospital. I had called their father but he was too busy to come and help me. He had taken a job at a Auto shop and was now manager there...for cash money only. He had also met a new friend named Cody and they were both working at the shop together. Venum said that he could not leave yet and that he would be at the hospital soon. So, I took Dorian to the daycare and went to the hospital by myself. They admitted me and then let me rest for a while. AFter an hour or so, they broke my waters and I began to contract. Around this time, Venum arrived and sat down in the corner by the window. He made jokes and pretty much irritated me while I was in labor. My aunt arrived and brought Dorian and Damian back up to the hospital. Then they pushed me into the delivery room. I was not hurting quite so bad as I had hurt with Dorian but it was bad enough. I recieved only one shot and then the doctor started to stretch my vaginal muscles to aid in my delivery. I lay there and started to pray. Devon was an easy labor. I think by the time the meds took their hold on me, I had passed out. When I woke, I saw a screaming baby being handed to me. He was beautiful and brown. He was little too and he had one aspect of him that everyone in the room was oohing and ahhhing at. His hair was red, really read. My father was there by that time and he laughed and laughed. Everyone was commenting on how Devon passed down the Irish red. I cooed at Devon and spoke to him.

"You don't listen to them." I took him into my arms, plopped a tit in his mouth and apologised profusely for trying to kill him in the womb.. I had tears flowing down my cheeks...and my heart was breaking