nat stuk zeep

Hildegard is enjoying her holidays in Wien

noreply@blogger.com (Leonie van der Plas) — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 16:15:00 +0000

"In a way Wien looks really artificial. I didn't expect that. There hasn't been changed a single thing since they shot this Sissy-movie. Coffeehouses are full of old people. They talk about the Second World war like it ended yesterday. They use the same words as in my own language, but they mean something else completely. My head is ganz schwindlig. I wished anyone could give me an explanation. Please, take me out of this blender..."

What has happened to the last Hildegard Schneiper? (Short interview with the Swiss artist about art robbery in Switzerland)

noreply@blogger.com (Leonie van der Plas) — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 14:44:00 +0000

As we all know, Hildegard has left two of her works at Art Rotterdam. One of them now is part of the precious collection of a Swiss Kunsthaus. The other one was left (by Schneiper herself) as a 'present' for the readers of this blog. Yet, no one has found it. What has happened to this soap? For all of you, I talked to Hildegard Schneiper herself.

Me: "Hildegard, please tell us, what has happened to your piece of soap?"
Schneiper: "Oh, NEIN, yuk.... Please, don't call it soap. It is a piece of art. You can call it 'artpiece'. That won't hurt..."

Me: "Then: what has happened to your artpiece?"
Hildegard: "Keine Ahnung. I have no idea. Aucun idée. Ich weiss's nicht!
Probably the cleaner has thrown it away. It's something that happens to the very best pieces of art. Everybody remembers the ashtray, an excellent piece of art by Damien Hirst. On a day in October, 2001, it was thrown away by the art gallery cleaner.
Actually, I would be really proud if the cleaners of Art Rotterdam would have thrown my artpiece away. It would increase the beauty of the artpiece, as well as the value of my other work. Everybody knows that Damien Hirst has become a very rich man ever since his ashtray has been thrown away!"

Me: "Any other theories?"
Schneiper: "Maybe my artpiece was subject to art robbery. It might have been taken by someone that shouldn't have taken it. Actually, I feel quite violated about that possibilty. But also, everybody knows that it is part of reality that valuable artpieces get stolen. Thieves even use violence in order to acquire pieces for their art-collection. We have seen it happening at the beginning of this week in the beautiful city of Zürich: a serious art robbery has been taken place. The thieves used guns. It was worldnews number one, last monday."

Me: "What are you going to do now?"
Hildegard: "In the future I hope to be able to produce mini-paintings, which are really easy to steal. I hate it when people use violence in order to acquire art. I can not live with the idea that a guard might be traumatized by the point of a pistol, due to someone who wants to steal a Hildegard Schneiper Artpiece. Right here, at this very moment, I want to summon all artists to make small, easy-to-steal artworks. You don't need to make big pieces of art to generate a huge impact anyway! A very tiny kleines artpiece might change the meaning of a huge building like the palace of the former Romanian dictator Ceaucescu."

Big piece of something that is probably not art, but a piece of advertisement.

Hildegard: "It was standing on top of a museum in Belgium. The artist wanted to use the museum as a column for his piece, which is a giant bottle of ketchup. The ketchup represents American culture. Both overflow the whole world and make everything taste similar. The Bevölkerung of the town got itchy by the view of the big inflatable bottle. Also, it catched too much wind. It got dangerous! So, they put it inside this hall.
I'd be more impressed if the artist had made a small, hardly visible Barbie-sized inflatable bottle of ketchup. It is really hard to make tiny, inflatable things. I am sure that no one would have noticed it than, but his idea would still remain."

Example of very small artpiece.

Hildegard: "This one generates loads of impact, even while you don't see any blood or ketchup."

Ceaucescu's palace in Bukarest, Romania.

"It is a big, big building. It is so big, that you can not understand how big it is. Doors are big, windows are big,, rooms are big... If Ceaucescu would have put some small doors in his building, or some of my small artworks, the building would probably appear much bigger. Ceaucescu war ein Arsloch who didn't understand these rules of art and nature."

Too many famous people in Rotterdam

noreply@blogger.com (Leonie van der Plas) — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 12:48:00 +0000

Now: find the little present that Hildegard has left for you...

Hildegard Schneiper made her first appearance at the General Opening of Art Rotterdam. She was moved by the fact that so many people came to Rotterdam to celebrate the splendour of art. "I didn't realize that there would be so many art-0-holics in this small, flat country," she told me, really heavy accented, "only now I really realise what a loss it will be when the water comes over the dykes in a few years. When that happens, I invite all visitors and participants of this fair to share an mountaign with me in the beautiful country of Switzerland. They are free to produce their art and we have enough Geld in the country to supply all artists and art-retailers with Brot und Wein and a nice Hüsli." Hildegard brought some real nice Swiss cheese to the art fair. "People were so happy to try my Käse. It is a good illustration of the open-mindedness of the Dutch. They are so fond of their own Käse, but everyone admitted immediatedly that the taste of my Swiss fromage de montagne exceeds the taste of any Dutch type of Käse..." Hildegard made many, many snapshots of nice people. The friendliest amongst them are to be seen exclusively on this page....

Hildegard was relieved to meet a young gallerist from her own country - they could talk about all the things that they are deprived of when they are not in Switzerland.

Two fabulous sponsors (retailers in highbrow coffee) obviously enjoying their Swiss amuse-de -gueule.

"I met this amazing Dutch artist, " Hildegard continues full of enthusiam, "he does whatever he likes. He created this luxury thanks to his spirit for hard working. This man is a deep source of inner creativity. This world would be a much nicer place if all people were like him."
But still we would need gallerists to sell and... businessmen to buy art, Hildegard! And: bad luck your hüsli is too small even for his tiniest piece of art...

Reknown Dutch art-critic: "I was so hungry... you saved me!".

These two famous curators were delighted to get some cheese.

This talented Spanish actress shares her crush on Swiss cheese with a Personal Assistant (who, in fact, is more famous than the boss he is working for - not on this picture) and one of the world's leading art-collectors.

Celebrated gallery-owner from Belgium eating his favourite Swiss snack next to his favourite art-piece, a naked woman in a bath-tub.

Singer of a very popular rock-band (hot in Japan, left) feeding her friend (an illustrious Flemish actress who impressed us all in her latest movie by pretending to love eating a fish-eye with a gun pressed to her temple, right).

Hildegard forgot who they were - does it matter? "These guys are very, very good artists. Watch them! By peeing against the wall of this gallery, they connect both to the mini-toilet of Marcel Duchamp and to this small statued boy from Brussels who is to be found peeing in the middle of the street. These guys impressed me not only by making a connection to those two famous artworks, but also by the length of the pee and by their ability to eat Käse while doing that."
Although England has no illuminous traditions concerning cheese (okay, Blue Stilton, Shropshire), this distinghuised London-based gallery-owner savoured his piece of Swiss cheese.

On her way home, Hildegard met another famous Dutch artist at the Rotterdam Central Station. "This artist felt like a real discovery for me. She makes nice, shiny guns from china. They are so nicely painted. And chickens as well, made from china. You can hang the chicken on the wall and put a flower in it. Her chickens awake memories from home. When I was a little girl, I used to eat chickens every sunday-afternoon." The artist is to be found at booth 52.

Hildegard left a little present at Art Rotterdam....

...for whoever recognizes the location.....

Viel spaß mit Sauerkraut auf der Kassel-reüny

noreply@blogger.com (Leonie van der Plas) — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 07:34:00 +0000

IIII/IIII/II
Last saturday we re-celebrated our september-trip to the Documenta. Amongst art lovers this is a very well-known V.I.P. quinterennial art-event in Kassel. Some art-0-holics gathered in suspiciously German circumstances.......

We were served by this very authentic waitress. Gastfreiheit stand hauch in das Fandel. We all experienced her very close bond with her inner nature....

Mainly, we talked about art. Prosit! Errinnerungen an die Schöne Kunsten und andere Sachen wurden aufgehalt, aber viel wichtiger war das Trinken.

Music galore with the Kastelruther Spatzen.

Wunderschöne Bergklanken wie immer mit die Kastelruther Spatzen. Die Würstl schmeckten richtig.

She opened a bottle for us of real Elzasser weiß wein. Officially, the Elzas is part of France, but whoever went there, knows that the Elzasser people still have a German heart. You'll taste it in their wine. Das Wein war ausgelesen.

De directrice van het etablissement komt ook nog langs voor een persoonlijk praatje met de gasten en... een gratis glaasje Sprüdelwasser van de zaak. Met een grapje zorgt zij voor een luchtige sfeer.
Everybody knows that German and Dutch are the same, actually. The boss of the restaurant came to our table to make a joke in her mothertongue, which we, who are Dutch, understood perfectly, actually. I mean: we understood the words. We don't understand the German sense of humour, of course.

The waitress spread her warmth upon our table, just before our long awaited dinner arrived.
Ein sehr persohnliche Bedienung.

Wunderbares Fressen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!