Nat The Fat Rat

A QUICK CONVERSATION WITH HANK THE TANK

2012-01-27T20:44:00.000-05:00

"hang on, i gotta take this call. hello?"

"what's that?"

"shut yo face."

check it, it's babble time:

what YOU should be buying at forever 21 RIGHT NOW!
would you wear harry potter shoes? and other potterpherneila
parenting add-ons that make life easier
insanely expensive baby clothes
16 of my favorite clogs

and huck has two blogs this week:
huck's travel tips
and huck's weekly blog.

hope you have a lovely little weekend!

BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

2012-01-26T23:58:00.004-05:00

the city as we cabbed in from the airport. don't you just love her?

here's a little public service announcement from me to you: if you get the stomach flu you are contagious for a full three days after your symptoms have disappeared. did you know that? i didn't know that. thus, you are fully capable of infecting your husband on sunday when you were sick on friday. (not to mention entire jetliners filled with passengers--travelers of us airways! i am so sorry!)

it wasn't until i was finally feeling like a functioning human being again that our dearest holbspuker went down for the count. and then huck woke up from a nap with pink eye? and i was like, holy pestilence, where is the lamb's blood? (passover joke, not terribly funny, moving on.)

and so we hunkered down until the plague had passed. brandon called in sick, i canceled every possible interaction with every possible human life form ever, and huck emptied all his toys all over the floor and got busy being bored by everything. minus a quick trip to the huck-doc for huck-meds, and to the mac-doc for a mac-death certificate (r.i.p., macbook), we did nothing but stare at each other until a. the pink eye was gone and b. wednesday happened.

and then wednesday happened! it did! it happened!! with eye infections cleared and stomach bugs officially dead, the mama bird and her baby bird left the nest to finally run all the millions of errands they had been putting off and finally get reacquainted with their city. (which is apparently setting up for fashion week! just wondering, could i get some more construction outside my apartment? cause there aren't enough blocked sideways for my liking. k, thanks.)

and now i present unto you, dear people of my blog, an account of our goings on since then. get excited!

first, mama got dressed. OH YES SHE DID!

and then mama went grocery shopping. yeahh, i bought some arugula. you know.

the city was rainy. AND GLORIOUS! oh dearest city, how i have missed you!

and now this: i will have you know it took a full ten blocks before i remembered to put my city face on. i guess my gazes were lingering and i was smiling at too many people? and it wasn't until one woman gave me the side eye for looking at her coat for too long that i remembered--duh! friendliness not a requirement here! and what a relief! thank your, new york!

you'll also be concerned to note that it took a full ten blocks more before i overcame my shortness of breath. pushing a stroller in the city is a WORK OUT my friends, and lo how my car bum's gone soft.

SOFTNESS OF THE BUM!

this is how huck felt about spending time in his stroller in the rain. and just when the dude got the hang of the car seat! tsk tsk, such a shame.

related question: when did those legs get so long and who said that could happen? i choose to be personally offended.

while we were out we refilled the metro card and took a grand tour on the 1 train up to 96th street so i could wander the michael's for an upcoming project for the martha stewart blog. at the subway i stepped on what looked to be a dead mouse and i got elbowed in the elevator. it made me feel strangely giddy and alive. crap i've missed this place!

and then i had to stop in at my favorite shoe store to visit my clog lover, WHO WAS NOT THERE ANY MORE! what? and where??

this handsome chap was in his place, and you know what they say about loving the one you're with . . .

dear mr. sexy boot, i would very much like to be with you.

three cheers to a house of healthy holbrooks!
huzzah and things!!

SODA TAX

2012-01-25T13:00:00.000-05:00

so, here comes my dumb story. (grab yo kleenexes!)

on sunday morning, as i traveled blearily and zombie-eyed to the airport after a ridiiiiiculous bout with the stomach flu that i only felt mostly somewhat recovered from, i done dropped a not-totally-closed bottle of diet pepsi into my purse, upon which time said diet pepsi totally hooked up with my macbook pro and, well...

they made broken laptop babies.

i am such a doofus.

so while i scratch my head over my next move, here's this post, which i wrote in the 'burbs of oregon for a just-in-case rainy day.

dudes. it's a rainy day on my macbook, yo. (shed a tear).

take it away, me of the past!

***

since we've been in the suburbs (sans the holbsdaddy, who's at home studying for the bar), i've been more than indulgent of my love of soda fountains and drive-thru windows and that black, sultry elixir of life. oh suburbs, i like you.

now, the huck's father introduced the huck baby to the black devil himself last week (rookie mistake), and ever since that first sparky black sip, the huck has been like unto a man ob-sessed. the kind of obsessed where he'll wake up, roll over and say to me, "woman, where's my morning dp?" (because my morning dp comes to me first thing courtesy of my dearest mother, who knows the power of a good sodee in the morning and often brings me one before i've even completed my daily am-i-showering? debate.) as a compromise, huck has been ever-so-kind as to take care of that sparkiest first sip of new soda for me. you know, a soda tax.

photo via catcox

you know what, you couldn't say no to that face either.
you can't fool me!

THE GREAT COOKIE QUEST! :: jacques torres ::

2012-01-24T13:00:00.000-05:00

here is the thing about jacques torres cookies:

if you like them thin
crispy
warm
and melty,
jacques is your dude.

(but they're not so much my favorite.)

mr. torres' hot sipping chocolate, on the other hand.
yes we can.

jacques score:
(on a scale of 1-5)
flavor: 3
texture: 1 (i like 'em chewy)
appearance: 3 (they look a little scorched)
nyc experience: 4
total: 11

for other cookie reviews from my quest for the city's best chocolate chip cookies, check out:

levain bakery

A LITTLE ALT SUMMIT RECAP

2012-01-23T14:17:00.003-05:00

photo via moss + isaac

last year, after seeing all the alt summit recaps going around the internet, i decided i was going to have to attend. not for any real reason, but mostly because all of my favorite bloggers were there and i just wanted to hang out with them. you know? and then this year i was asked to speak at alt and do you know what was exciting? getting asked to speak at alt was exciting! i said yes right away and then set about figuring out how to attend with a still-nursing 15-month-old while my husband was home studying for the bar. luckily my mom was able to come to utah to watch king henry during the day and bring him to me at semi-regular intervals so we could nurse. my mom saved my life last week, there aren't enough flowers in the world to thank her!

the entire conference from top to bottom was absolutely amazing. the sponsors were lovely, the speakers were inspirational, the atmosphere was full of love and support and generosity, and the grand america was grand indeed. i will never get over just how wonderful are these ladies who blog. there was not an ounce of cattiness or competitiveness and everyone, even the biggest of bloggers who you'd think would have no time for you, were generous and kind and completely normal and full of love. and don't you love that kind of thing?

i mostly just went to make friends. and i did! shout out to some of my new favorite real-life friends from the conference time! erin, joslyn, jordan, alison, kacy and lisa (i love you guys, lisa what is your blog address?!), the girls with glasses brooke and summer, and of course the designmom herself. and it was so so good to see some of my old faves, emily and liz and rubi and susan. (i did not get to meet maggie and you know how bummed i am? maggie! let's be e-pals!) i left all sorts of inspired and excited, with a bonus case of the stomach flu (thus ending my 21 year streak, let's not even talk about it, i am so disappointed with myself!).

i think, like most of the bloggers who attended, i put the most effort into my wardrobe for the weekend. more so than on my business cards, and way more so than on my presentation, to be sure ;). these blogging girls all looked SO CUTE. (and can we talk about blogger hair? i have never seen a more attractive group of heads in one place in all my days.) my biggest stumper was the white party. but \my friend ck, who owns shabby apple, happened to buy my old pack&play from me and offered to pay me via clothes, so i took her up on that offer right quick (and wouldn't you, too?). when that little white tutu showed up at my door, it all clicked into place. all i needed was a t-shirt and some heels. (i topped it off with a scarf i sewed up real quick using leftover upholstery fabric from my mom's couch.)

me + alison at the white party photo booth, isn't she fancy?
photo via moss + isaac

if you're thinking of attending next year, just do it! go! you'll have a blast. and try to stay in salt lake if you can, driving in from the 'burbs is dumb. ;)

p.s. since i've been getting a ton of requests for info, i am wearing:
glasses: lookmatic fdr prescription frames
scarf: my mama's couch
baseball tee: forever 21
tutu-riffic: shabby apple (appears to be sold out?)
shoes: zara (red sticker still attached, classy)
clutch: jcrew
lipstick: revlon just bitten--passion

p.p. s. that photo of me up top has been trending on pinterest, and let me just say: WHAT!?

ALT SUMMIT 2012 UP AND COMING BLOGS

2012-01-20T13:00:00.001-05:00

via a merry mishap

i've been at the altitude design summit this week in salt lake, and today i'm speaking in a panel about our favorite up and coming blogs (along with meg, alix, and rachel). drumroll please, here they (all) are!

Draw! Pilgrim
Frecklewonder
Honey Kennedy
Katie's Pencil Box
Make Something Happy
Midcentury Living
Nubby Twiglet
Whorange
The Red Thread

Angela Hardison
Jane Reaction
Note To Self
Odessa May Society
Dandee Designs
The House That Lars Built
Simple Village Girl
Cubicle Refugee

Art Hound
Life's Little Jems
Kelly Market
Court & Hudson
Pattern Pulp
The Artful Desperado
My Vibe My Life
You're Welcome

enjoy! enjoy! enjoy!

CURRENTLY

2012-01-19T18:32:00.000-05:00

i am spending the weekend at alt summit in salt lake city.

you're going to ask me, you're going to say, "are you having any fun, natalie?"

well.

(thanks to mr. hackworth for the photo. why am i always such a dork around justin? this is a valid question.)

THIS ONE'S FOR GABY

2012-01-18T01:10:00.000-05:00

{the other day my little brother came home from school with a note for me written by one of his classmates, who reads this blog and had just realized that i was his sister. it was straight up old-school style, on folded up notebook paper. it was the sweetest, most lovely little letter. it about made me cry. so, this post is for her.}

four years ago i found this blog. a friend of mine recommended it to me and instantly i was hooked. i knew her. i mean, i didn't know her, but i knew her. she was my tribe. you know what i mean?

two years ago i sat on her couch in a dream, and we talked and talked and talked about everything there was to talk about. when i woke up i felt conflicted. on the one hand--creepy!--but on the other hand, it felt significant. it felt like it meant something.

i am happy to say that over time she became one of my most treasured real-life friends. isn't that a happy ending? and today, i sat on three of her couches. it was just like i thought it would be. all three of them!

i've met a lot of my favorite bloggers in the past year, (three new ones today alone!) and my favorite part is always that first moment where you wonder to yourself, "is this going to be awkward?" and then the second moment right after that where you realize, "not even one bit!"

i ask myself from time to time, what am i doing with myself on this blog anyway?! because sometimes i forget. i'm not doing it for the "fame," if you can call it that. i'm not doing it for the money or the opportunities i've gotten from it (though being able to help pay the rent is a nice bonus, and the opportunities that come from it are f-u-n). i'm doing it because, i guess it means something. who knows what, but something. to a lot of us.

so every time i get an email, or meet a reader in person (or get a note passed on to me from my brother from a high school friend) that says, "i feel like i know you," or "i bet we'd be friends in real life," or "i promise i'm not a creepy stalker!"

i always say,

"i know!"

because, you know what?

i know.

so thank you for the note. i LOVED it. and i hope to see you around t-town some time, sistah.

xoxo

natalie

(go wolves!)

WE NAMED HER GERTRUDE

2012-01-13T13:26:00.001-05:00

internet, i'd like you to meet my little brother's health class project.

it's a girl.
i'm such a proud auntie!

so i taught blake how to wear gertrude in my sling, like a proper hippie.

crunchy!

here are this week's babble posts:

how to incorporate neon into your wardrobe,

my favorite madewell looks on the cheap (on the forever 21, rather),

what YOU should be buying at forever 21 RIGHT NOW,

and i really really want one of these.

let's not forget, huck's blog!

have a lovely weekend!

BRUNCH WITH BLAKE

2012-01-12T13:27:00.000-05:00

on tuesday morning, blake had a free period from school and i had promised him a lunch date. so we loaded up my plus-one and drove to panera after much cajoling. (but can't we just go to denny's?) i had a hot herbal tea, blake had a bacon egg and cheese on ciabatta, and henny had an orange scone. i kept calling it lunch and blake kept correcting me. "no, it's brunch." and now you know.

we talked about the lovin choir curse, blake's new affinity for barbershop quartet, and various kinds of cheeses. and then we had to go so blake could be on time for seminary.

i'm telling you, all you single girls out there, my brother is a catch with a capital k.

and now, this is what i wore to brunch (this is a fascinating post).

i was telling blake on the way to ~~lunch~~ brunch, "i think i thought this cardigan may have been cuter at the store" (which is the worst), when blake said, "so you wore it with red pants. obviously."

the nuances of red pants are lost on sixteen year old boys, is all i can gather from that.

(the cardigan is now known around these parts as the ferris bueller cardigan. and thus it was spoken.)

huck fell asleep in the car on the way home. and then after he woke up and asked to nurse, he fell back asleep on me. for two hours! i got nothing done.

and now you know.

I AINT SCARED OF NOBODY

2012-01-11T15:16:00.000-05:00

and now i present unto you, henry holbrook's latest trick:

first he stands up. then he leans backwards with his arms spread out like a sail. he kind of widens his stance. and then, with his hips pushed forward and his head tilted back, he goes,

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

usually he falls to the floor afterward (big head, poor center of gravity).

it is all terribly dramatic.

we've started calling it his michael jackson, obviously.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

this kid, i am telling you.

p.s. i looked up the lyrics to 'black or white' to find a title for this post, and all i have to say about those lyrics are, what?!

ALL THE STUFF (A FASHIONY POST)

2012-01-10T22:11:00.000-05:00

i've been thinking lately about life changing purchases. you know when you find an item that suddenly straightens everything out for you? makes your closet/your body/your whole entire life make more sense?

(i find that any time i am shopping emotionally it is because i am hoping for that kind of transformative shopping experience which will somehow make it all better. shove it, freud!)

the more i thought about transformative purchases last night the more i thought, "hey! i should blog about this!" which is just the risk you take, you know. so here are some of the transformative purchases i've scored in the last six months. for whatever it's worth.

1. nina z clogs

my nina zs were actually a gift, but they are the most excitement my feet have ever known. i love how clunky and retro they are. i love how they look with high-waisted skinny jeans and my overly-trendy thick rimmed glasses. i love how nerdy i feel in them. they have made my whole life complete, and they look stupid, stupid good with chunky fair isle socks. suddenly my clothes make sense! it is the kind of scenario where i now feel the need for a clog for every day of the week. because when you find something that works for you, you need, like, a million of them, am i right?

nina z ida classic clogs

2. my crazy t.j. maxx hobo international wallet score

i've wanted a hobo since forever, but the one i had was fine and the one i wanted cost over $100 and blah blah blah. i was returning a christmas gift from my mom at the t.j.maxx last week when i found this sucker for $40. sometimes i think it must have been put there just for me. by god of course. or santa maybe.

you can buy it full price here.

3. various forever 21 items, blarg

ugh, forever 21, why can't i quit you? forever 21 is killing it lately, going for a madewell-type look like total bandits, mercilessly and without guilt. it's kind of a joke, any time anyone on instagram asks me where i got something, it's 97% of the time from forever 21. oh, forever 21. linked below are some of my favorite f21 scores lately, including that sexy wool number up top:

1/2/3/4/5

4. colored skinny jeans

i'm a jeans and tee girl all the way and sometimes it can feel rather boring and lonely (especially with all these style blogs around to make you feel lame). but i've fallen really hard for colored skinnies, which are like flirty skirts in pants form. at target right now you can score a pair of colored skinnies for $20 a pop, meaning one could (theoretically) buy all of them for the price of one really nice pair. and thus we see how, once again, quantity wins over quality in my closet. i mean, have you seen my stripe situation? (do not worry brandon, i did not buy all of them.) worth repeating: way wonky sizing. try two sizes up, be pleasantly surprised if you only need one.

(related: target is also killing it with baseball tees right now, my tee of choice.)

mossimo supply co. juniors assorted denim

5. stella and dot on the mark necklace

my personal policy on items under $50 is that if you ask for it for more than three consecutive gift-giving holidays and do not get it but still want it badly, you're allowed to buy it for yourself. so, i did! i've had it for about six months and i'm madly in love with it.

get it here.

6. lookmatic fdr frames

aside from the vintage frames i found at the brooklyn flea, these have been the only frames to ever fit my tiny face.

since i've been driving around in the suburbs i've noticed i need these even more than i thought i did. yikes, old age!
those cheesy crackers from the other day were also life changers, fyi.

fdr frames

what about you guys? any transformative purchases lately?

OF THINGS (OF IDAHO)

2012-01-10T01:25:00.000-05:00

while we were in idaho for poppy's funeral, i managed to sneak away to the basement for an hour to look through some of my things from our old house in idaho that we'd boxed up when we moved to new york.

our idea was to leave all of our things in utah until we knew where we'd be living after the holbsattorney graduated from nyu, and then come back to take whatever we needed back to our permanent home. if we ended up in the suburbs, we'd take all of it. if we stayed in the city, we'd take just what we could use in our small space and put the rest in a paid storage unit. for an entire year i thought wistfully of my mismatched china collection, my cake plates, my sewing machine, and my wedding album, and of the day we'd all be reunited. oh, my things. oh it would be such bliss.

some months ago my father in law moved most of it to poppy's house in idaho. and so it was that we were fortuitously reunited on the evening of poppy's funeral, me and my things. for a scant hour. it was terribly romantic.

in my dreams i'd have had the time to sort through each box right then, remove what i could use in new york, repack what could be left until later, and feel some kind of peace. that things were where i needed them. instead, with just an hour, i listed my priorities:

1. find the kitchen aid so we could ship it to our apartment

2. find my wedding album so we could ship it to our apartment

3. find my guitar and fly home with it as a carry on

4. find my wedding dress, just so i could know it was there (silly)
5. leave the rest to be sent to a paid storage unit so we could deal with it someday

when i ripped into that first box marked "kitchen items" my heart nearly broke. there i was, my life in measuring cups and pyrex dishes. my pots and pans and hot pads and teaspoons. my own little idaho in the middle of poppy's little idaho. and i cried. it still smelled like our house, like our puppies, like our lives. it washed over me until i couldn't breathe. so i sat down and felt defeated. there were so many boxes. boxes full of my photos and journals and books and clothes. boxes of me. and i just wanted to be me in one place again. those things were just things and most easily replaceable but some so priceless i felt they held my soul. my horcruxes, if you will (nerd). but where were they? in which box? where were they and where was i?

the holbs came down and helped me find my kitchen aid. helped me find my wedding dress. helped me find my guitar. we couldn't find the wedding album (worrisome). but we did find an old scrapbook, where i found these old photos of myself looking very much like the huckster.

huck, i am your mother.

and then we packed it all back up.

storage is so funny. here comes the obvious statement of the year, but storage stays just as you left it, doesn't it? so that you can almost see yourself in it. your movements and your packing decisions and what you were thinking as you stuffed newsprint in the corners. it's a time capsule of items both tangible and not. a time capsule of space. of the space where we once existed. of the air we once breathed. and as i taped the box shut again i became aware that i was replacing that space with a new space. with this space. poppy's space. and i realized that i didn't want to open any more boxes.

a few nights later i had a dream. i was in my little apartment in the city with my husband and my baby. the doorbell rang and there were my furbabies, my petey and my barney, come to visit me. their new owners explained that they wanted to make sure we were certain that we didn't regret our decision. they were giving us the chance to take them back.

barney sat by me on the floor and rested his giant black head on my knee. he looked at my henry and my henry looked at my barney and i stroked his giant black eyebrows. i was glad he was back. i glanced over at peter pan, who was sulking in the corner having just peed on the carpet. he didn't want to be there. i realized i had made the right decision for him. it was a relief. a terribly sad relief. so i patted barney on the head and got up to see my baby petey. i scooped him up, and i gave him the goodbye i never had the chance to give him. i buried my face in his neck and i inhaled the scent of his fur. i scratched his ears and i rubbed his back and i sang him our song. i told him how much i loved him, and how grateful i was for my time as his mommy. i told him he could go back to his life in the grasses. i told him i understood. i told him i was sorry.

and then peter pan left me. out the door and into the sunlight. and i was happy for him. that i had done the right thing for him that summer.

we kept barney.

barney really needed a hair cut.

HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A LOVELY WEEKEND!

2012-01-08T21:26:00.000-05:00

it is the grizzliest, ickiest kind of portland winter day out today. the kind of day where the mist is soup thick and the wet chill cuts through to your bones. first thing when we got home from church i got a fire going in the fireplace and i have been slow-cooking myself next to it (while watching season one of downton abbey) ever since.

the rest of portland obviously had this same idea, because the air outside smells insanely delicious, like sweet pine and the driest kind of cozy chimney fire.

always a bright side, am i right?

here's what you may have missed last week over at babble:

green denim and dot dot dot

(this one was SO FUN to put together.
i'm only mildly obsessed with my green skinnies from target.)

(p.s. if you go to target to buy them,
size up a size or two.
those are some strangely sized pants, target.)

a really rad craft using old toys i can't wait to try
(neons and metallics may be my new favorite combination in the world.)

would you wear a detachable collar?

(sometimes they can look a little playboy bunny, but these don't, pinky swear!)

and, of course, huck's blog!

hope you enjoy them!

SCENES OF AN IDAHO FUNERAL

2012-01-06T19:07:00.000-05:00

after a beautiful funeral, we buried poppy in the brown grasses of chesterfield, idaho.

i spent the majority of the day alternately chasing my new walker through the halls of the church and waiting out his car seat naps so brandon could attend undistracted. it was a lovely day. the weather was perfect, the big sunny sky was bright and beautiful, and idaho was just amazingly idaho-y. ya gotta love that idaho, man. (oh man did it feel good to be back in idaho.)

here are some photos i took of the day.

is this just an idaho thing? driving up on the cemetary?

IN WITH THE NEW

2012-01-03T03:13:00.001-05:00

tomorrow we're flying to utah for brandon's poppy's funeral. after a month or so of quickly dwindling health, poppy left us last week to join his wife on the other side. we're so happy for poppy, though we'll miss him terribly. in my faith we believe that the next life is a continuation of this one, that we will live with our father in heaven again, and that the families we create here on earth will continue on in heaven. poppy's death isn't sad, it's a celebration. he was 92. what a blessing!

i've been wondering a lot what it would be like to be in poppy's place this past month. after living a long, full life, what kind of preparations do you make at the very end? what kind of resolutions do you seek? what are your loose ends, and how do you tie them up? i read this fascinating article linked in a tweet the other day and tried to imagine what i would regret in my final weeks. all the time i spend feeling inadequate and worried about what people think of me, probably?

i wish i had let myself feel happier, is number five in that article. what a horrible thing to come to realize.

a few years back, as i was driving home from work, i had a silly thought that suddenly turned straight genius on me. i realized that all i really wanted was for my life to be beautiful. i wanted my home to be beautiful, i wanted my thoughts to be beautiful, i wanted my feelings to be beautiful. i wanted to create beauty in my life. if it was worth doing, i wanted it to be beautiful. life didn't seem beautiful at the time, but i wanted it to. it seemed silly and shallow, until suddenly it wasn't anymore. our god created for us an insanely beautiful world. why is that, i wondered? he created beauty around every corner. the earth, the animals, and music and art and science. all beautiful. and loving families, a passion for learning, and a sense that we can have an impact on what surrounds us--well, to me, that is beauty. and holy, for sure. so i stopped considering that desire shallow. i started to think of it as a way of honoring god, who is the one who created beauty to begin with, after all.

i feel like i do have a beautiful life. but there are many things i'd regret, if i were called up today. things i'm sure i have complete control over at the end of the day.

so, at the start of this new, beautiful year, here are a few of my wishes.

here is what i wish to resolve.

2012

X i'd like to learn to live without fear. of shame, or embarrassment, or of judgement. i want to live purely in the moment, effusively and wholly. i want to believe that i'm enough. i'd like to kick low self-esteem and worries of inadequacy right out the door, finally.

i'm going to be thirty this year. my version of thirty, anyway. i feel really ready for it. i suspect that turning thirty will feel freeing. like, i'm a grown up now, so knock it off. this is who i am. take it or take it. AND SHOVE IT. no, don't shove it. okay, shove it, but only if you want to.

X oh dear heavens, i'd like another baby. (a girl this time? can i make requests?) it's scary for me to admit this out loud. i'm scared to even think of it. i'm scared of another hard slog. i'm afraid of my body failing me. i wonder a lot if i'd be strong enough to go through it all again. the other day, while waiting on an elevator at a subway stop, i had the distinct impression that i wouldn't have to. i felt strongly that my body would be ready. it was a weird moment--that day i hardly felt worthy of any divine inspiration or reassurance (though, when are we ever?)--but rather than talk myself into believing it was just my own thoughts, as i often do, i decided to go with it, on pure faith. i am crossing every finger and toe that it will be true. oh i hope and i hope and i hope. i have an inkling, a small inkling that i am grasping tightly onto, that when we get there, that that prompting will make good.

X i want for brandon to feel, every single day, how much i love him. i want it to be a tangible thing he can hold onto as he falls asleep at night. i want for there never to be any question in his heart.

X i want henry to grow up healthy and strong, without fear or worry, knowing that i love him to the ends of the earth, that he is perfect just as god made him, and that i WILL crack down on him if he acts a fool. i mean, that's a good mom, in my opinion. ;)

X i want to eat more rice krispy treats. like, whole pans full!

i have a really good feeling about this 2012 business.

i saw a little note on instagram : "it will be whatever you choose."

i'm ready, and i choose for it to be beautiful!

OUT WITH THE OLD

2012-01-01T01:39:00.004-05:00

if i could i would scoop up 2011 and give it kisses all over. this year was really, really good to me and my family, and i am so grateful for it. our blessings, they are immeasurable.

this is one of those really long and self-indulgent type posts, but it was fun for me to look back on all the things we did, so there! so now, here are a few of my favorite photos and posts from 2011.

JANUARY

(can you believe we lived in this tiny space? w-o-w!)

in january i wrote a terribly rambly post involving my magic elevator, and a little story about henry holbrook's girls pajamas. our family took a jaunt to the metropolitan museum of art, salon wrote an article about me and a few other bloggers, i wrote about that one time i thought i was a virgo, i really like this post i wrote about wandering the city, i decided i wanted to stay in new york forever(ish), and then here's a little ditty about bed bugs.

FEBRUARY

february is not typically my best month (except last year in february when i found out i was pregnant), but this year in february, after five long years of grad school, brandon got himself a job. i think i'm going to have to give february a permanent pass from now on. come here, february! lemme give you a little kiss!

i wrote this while waiting for chinese delivery to arrive. huck got really chubby, i wrote a little bit bout the lady of manhattan, bout my husband named brandon, and then there was the time i accidentally pulled all my eyelashes out. (eyelash curler accident. please use your eyelash curlers responsibly.)

MARCH

in march our families came to town for huck's blessing. while they were here we did the brooklyn flea, pastis! the central park zoo, the shake shack, and then huck and i went to portland where i wrote this! and, um, stripes.

APRIL

april was sort of a quiet month. huck got even fatter, we did a lot of mostly nothing, and i realized i had everything i ever wanted.

MAY

in may i took a pilgrimage to the you've got mail holy land (zabars), had my first mother's day as a real mother (i still hate mother's day), we spent lots of time in the park in the sunshine, huck + i became buds, i asked what would marry poppins do? aaaaand brandon started his first day at his new job.

JUNE

in june i wrote my now famous (hah) post about what to do in new york, a raccoon terrorized central park, brandon received a mysterious tuxedo in the mail, and here is a word from henry holbrook, plus the sakura bloom styleathon round 1.

JULY

july was a really hard month for the holbrooks, but in the middle of it we were able to have many wonderful moments. in july i decided we were a brunch family, my mom came to visit, we made another you've got mail pilgrimage (to the gardens at 91st street), huck dipped his toes in the atlantic, i loved being a mom (still do!), huck tasted his first pinkberry, and i participated in the sakura bloom styleathon rounds two and three.

in july we also found new homes for our two furbabies, petey and barney, who did not love the city and deserved better than what the city (and us for the time being) could offer them. it was the hardest decision i hope i'll ever have to make, and i question the decision we made constantly. i receive updates from their new owners from time to time, and i am happy to report that they are thriving in their new homes with their big fenced yards. i miss them so and cry for them every single day. i only wish that were an exaggeration.

AUGUST

in august the holbsamatic and i celebrated our anniversary, hurricane irene came and went, we were hit by an earthquake (!!!), i wrote an overly serious post about overalls (i love my overalls, stop it), we saw the mcqueen exhibit which i looooved, i went back to portland for a few weeks and spent time with my granny goose, i wrote this post about chapters (it is one of my favorites), and then i wrote this post on adventure.

also not for nothing but august brought us my meg ryan theory. thank your!

SEPTEMBER

september marks the start of birthday season at the holbrook house! brandon turned thirty and change. he doesn't like specific numbers. no, i'm kidding. he turned 34. we made the most of the ending summer at the city playgrounds, i was invited to another fashion week party and met some of my favorite project runway winners, and i wrote a terribly serious and not at all facetious post about finding your personal stripe. that post is GOLD people. also, these three posts were really fun to write: one and two and three.

OCTOBER

in october, huck turned one (oh my gosshhhhhhh), i turned 29, i tried my hand at writing a little fiction, i met my french doppelganger, i made my annual fall wishes, we spent some time in brooklyn, this was really cute, i wrote a little craigslist story, and we finally (finally!) got the keys to our new apartment.

NOVEMBER

november was busy! huck had his first real sick day (darn you, MMR shot!). sick days really test your momskillz, and i'm happy to say, being a mom continues to rock my life. i hosted a concert in our living room, huck and i were on THE TODAY SHOW, i how-to'd my photo wall, wendy and tyler of blue lily took huck's one-year photos, we saw breaking dawn at midnight and it was AWESOME, we attempted three-under-three for a morning (survived it!), we tried the burger joint and loved it, we made new bffs with isabelle selby, who took some (amazing) family photos for us, we celebrated thanksgiving and i broke in the new kitchen, the traditional holbrook thanksgiving cannoli was born, we brought us home shirley the christmas tree, and we said goodbye to fall.

DECEMBER

so. many. christmas. tree. posts. in. december! i hope you loved them as much as i did! in december we had a b-requested date night at chevy's (of all places), had our holiday card photos taken by kaitlyn ray, saw the tree at rockefeller center, started the great nyc cookie quest (so excited to see this through once i'm back home!), sir huckles started walking (!!!!!), we saw the lights at dyker heights, celebrated christmas in portland with my family, followed by alexmas in wilsonville.

and that's it! whew!

***

if you slogged through all this and came out alive, allow me to gush for just a minute? 2011 has been such a wonderful, lovely, painful little slip of a year, and i have so appreciated all your love and support and kindness all the way through. this blogging thing is pretty great, and i'm so humbled by all the opportunities i've gotten this past year, thanks in very large part to all of you. i hope you know that i consider you all kindreds, all you who want to be kindreds anyway, and if i were to ever see any of you in person there'd be a big old hug waiting for you. you know, if you wanted it. ;)

i now declare 2011 officially closed!

see you all on the flip side.

MY CHRISTMAS TREE :: patience payne & jamie nef ::

2011-12-31T10:00:00.001-05:00

our first submission is from patience, the sister of the wife of a coworker of mine from back in the idaho days (got that straight?). kenneth, the coworker, is the funniest nerd ever (he does a dead-on impression of kevin from the office and was the impetus behind one of my favorite posts to date about world of warcraft), kenneth's wife is a total kindred spirit, and so though i've never met patience i know i love her already. our second submission is from jamie nef, and let's just say jamie is a girl after my own heart. a peacock tree? YES!

***

"Hi there friends.

After much pondering, I have come to the conclusion that my 'deep seated neuroses regarding proper Christmas tree attire' is the following: I want the thing to be c-u-t-e! Previous trees have not been as large (this one is as tall as me, a whole five feet!), because we have always settled on miniature versions. But since it will be just me, Dan Dan, and our bun-in-the-oven for Christmas, we decided to pull out all the stops. We added a few feet to our usual evergreen, got a real one this year, spend a good hour and a half threading popcorn and cranberries, and settled for a silly little bow on top because for hte love, all the stars and angels I saw out there seemed to be looking at me in just the wrong way. And we could not have any of that!

From our tree to yours, Merry Christmas!"

***

"I'll tell you right now, Christmas makes my life. This tree is my love, even though it takes others a while to warm up to it.

My tree obsession began when I worked as a decorator at R.C. Willey in the grand South Salt Lake store. I was simultaneously working at a live-in treatment center for troubled teens and was shocked at what the girls had to decorate the home with for Christmas. I was wanting to invest in my own Christmas tree and decorations and decided that if I was going to do it, now was better than ever. I wanted to make the girls' Christmas really special and have something that I could keep for years to come.

When they first saw it they hated it. They were like, "What do peacocks have to do with anything?" (What don't they have to do with everything?) But when the new year came they did not want to take it down!

***

for the rest of the month i'll be featuring the christmas trees of some of my favorite bloggers (and of some of my readers too!) i'll be posting a new tree each day, on top of regular posts from me. so, LOTS of posts in december! ho-ho-hope you enjoy them!

HAPPY WEEKEND!

2011-12-31T02:58:00.001-05:00

we've been rocking the suburbs hard core this week. like, most days we don't even get out of the house till well after noon! so we've started sneaking off in the car in the mornings, me and my boys, to go to far off, adventuresome places, like the local 7-11, and the target for wipes (and lip gloss) (and the CUTEST salt and pepper shakers ever), and other terribly exciting locales. righteous!

and can i just elaborate on this please? it feels SO good to drive again! DRIVING! i do miss having a car in the city. (though moving that sucker on sweeping days while we had it was such a pain... for my husband.) more than i miss the car though i miss those cup holders. CUP HOLDERS. and big gulps! ahhhhhhhh, suburbs. suburbs, you are rad indeed.

also rad is the mall, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise!

the mall wants to love you! let the mall love you!

i also write for babble:

sparkly new years eve "party hats" i la-love,

would you wear a tutu to a party?

stylish iphone cases (including my new gold iphone case-i love it)

and stylish ipad cases too,

and how to wear faux fur this season.

also, huck's blog is RIGHT HERE.

ALEXMAS AT WILSONVILLE LANES

2011-12-31T02:39:00.004-05:00

every year as part of the holiday season we celebrate alexmas. alexmas is quite a lovely holiday. it is also a terribly blasphemous way of saying it's alexandra's birthday. her birthday falls three days after christmas and so, yes. alexmas. don't blame me, she came up with it!

(birthdays in the lovin household tend to fall near holidays. so we also celebrate huckoween, blakentines day, st. momrick's day, independad's day, and also the fall brandquinox.)

this year for alexmas we went bowling. good gravy but i am a terrible bowler. bowling shoes are fairly rad though, so, you know, it evens out.

happy birthday, alex!
(p.s. how incredibly high quality are all these iphone pics i'm snapping? haaaaaa.)

MY CHRISTMAS TREE :: kaitlyn ray & maura moes::

2011-12-30T10:00:00.002-05:00

today's first submission is from miss kaitlyn ray. the second from the lovely maura moes. (cutest name ever!) thank you, ladies!

***

hey all. im kaitllyn. thanks for letting me share with you.

here lies my little tree

{and messy entry table}

I am a real tree advocate through and through. the smell of a tree in our home is a crucial part of the holiday for me and so I have insisted that we bring one home every year.

{even though the first year it cost more than a weeks worth of groceries because I let that sneaky street seller rob me blind}

& because I am also a california girl through and through I have covered said real tree with sea stars and shells. I try to wrap up the presents for under the tree well in advance because everything just seems more chrismassy that way.

{even if this year they are just brown paper packages tied up with string}

xxoo

cheers to you and yours

happy christmas

***

"we have a 10-month-old baby, owen, who is celebrating his first christmas. in moes family tradition, on the first christmas of a new baby, you get a live mini tree in a pot with soil, decorate it inside, and then plant it in the spring. this is the first grandbaby on the moes side and so this spring his mini tree will be planted next to his daddy's and uncle's giant trees at grandma and grandpa's house. and grandma moes will be extra happy because we will also be burying owen's placenta under the tree (which has been sitting in grandma's deep freeze since february!)

since i usually convince my husband to get a giant live tree every year (even though we live in a tiny apartment), we had to figure out what to do with all my pink sparkly ornaments that couldn't all squeeze onto the mini-tree. and then we came up with the best idea ever and it turned out to be my most favorite christmas decor to date. we strung garland and lights above the tree to hang all those pink sparkles. enjoy!"

***

p.s.

THIS TREE

is stinking adorable.

***

MY CHRISTMAS TREE :: kelly mccaleb & shannon oertle & elizabeth ::

2011-12-29T10:00:00.003-05:00

when i saw kelly's tree on her instagram feed (kellymccaleb, her photos are amazing!), i knew i had to have it. i'd squeeze it in somehow! our second submission is from a lovely reader, whose comments i always adore and look forward to. so so glad to have you, shannon! and our third is from elizabeth who blogs at scarletwords. so happy to have all three of you!

***

"I only use traditional Christmas colors--even my gift wrap has to be bright red and green. Picked a Charlie Brown tree this year to show off my vintage ornaments. I could stare at it all day! Never underestimate the power of tradition/bright red and green."

***

"The theme for my tree this year was "nothing breakable." With a curious toddler who is ever so into Christmas and ornaments this year, and a nosy puppy, we nixed any interesting metallic shiny ornaments that could be mistaken as "balls" by either party. Try explaining to a 20-month-old that No, you aren't supposed to throw these ones, just look at them honey. So instead I have collected, over time, sweet little Anthropologie ornaments. Nothing matches and I love it that way! I made the white felt garland and if you look closely you can see three monogrammed letters in the tree: C, S, and M, for each member of my family. This is our first year in our house as a family and it's very exciting!

Now let me tell you about the great debate over the Christmas lights. I'm partial to little white twinkle lights myself. I think they seem sophisticated and enjoy the glow they give off. Well, when I told my husband that when we were engaged, it practically broke us up! Who knew people had such varied and strong opinions of Christmas tree lights?! He was adamant that they had to be colored, he had grown up with those and looked forward to it every year. He thought they seemed more like "family" tree lights and less fussy. I did not appreciate someone messing with my lights idea! So, like all marriages, we arrived at a compromise. We bought cool, larger bulb, vintage looking lights in different colors. They look good, I'll admit it (although I have some spare white ones hiding in the attic just in case!).

Merry Christmas!"

***

"This year we are hosting Christmas for our family, and we're gearing up for a super hot and humid Australian Christmas Day. We'll be serving plenty of seafood on ice, cooking the roast in the BBQ outside so that the house doesn't warm up, and getting the drinks nice and cold! It will be lots of fun, but I'll secretly be wishing for snow, hot chocolate and bad Christmas sweaters!

We had a teeny tiny Christmas tree until last year which we both adored. When it came time to replace it with a more grown up tree, I made it my personal mission to "rehome" our old one so that it's little life would continue. Our current tree is magnificent compared to our first, but both of them were made special because of the childhood ornaments that cover them. It makes me so happy that Tim and I have both kept ornaments that we made as little kids, and that they hang side by side in the home we now share together. Each year we buy a special ornament to add to our collection and I'm excited to see how that collection will grow over the years."

***

here is another tree made up of memories.

(exotic memories!)

***

HAPPY EVERYTHING, MERRY ALL OF IT

2011-12-28T14:00:00.006-05:00

my iphone, buster lord voldemort, is in charge of this post. i'm off laughing with my sisters and cheering on my husband in epic mario kart battles and drinking all my mom's diet cokes. take it away, buster!

CHRISTMAS EVE

CHRISTMAS MORNING

CHRISTMAS EVENING

THE DAYS SINCE

and now we're all caught up!

MY CHRISTMAS TREE :: rachel murphy & dingus childers & kelsey sutherlin ::

2011-12-28T10:00:00.001-05:00

thanks rachel for this awesomely racy (and terribly adorable) topless submission! and thanks dingus for the balloons! and thanks kelsey for the super budget tree--you'd never know, it looks quite swanky really.

***

i'm rachel from tunes and spoons. even though this is mine and hubsicle's second married christmas, it is the first year that we have a little tree together. it is our stubby little baby tree. john has named her "tree." just "tree" . . .

this was his first ever REAL live christmas tree. he wanted to surprise me and put it up while i was gone to work, so he did.

and i came home to a topless tree.

she is sporting handmade ornaments from an old jesus the christ book from the 70s, squishy fabric animals, and hemming binding tied together from the 50s.

he hacked off her top and now she is a scandalous topless tree.

but we love her just the way she is.

merry christmas!"

***
"My babe turned two today! Two years ago we brought her home on Christmas Eve. Now her balloons top our tree each year! Hugs and Merry Christmas!"

***

"I'm Kelsey and I blog at kelseysutherlin.blogspot.com. I'm a single girl, managing a government office by weekday, moonlighting as a barista, and sitting the occasional baby by week's end. I've got a mortgage, bills, and debts to pay,s o I'm working my booty off to get rid of those nasty things. Obviously I don't have much extra cash for decorations, so I've got to be super thrifty in my purchases. I got my tree and ornaments on super sale at Target one year and the rest of my home adornments are from the fancy pants Dollar Tree (where EVERY stinkin' THING's a dollar! It's like heaven in store form!) and it looks pretty dang cute, in my humble opinion!

Happy Christmas!"

***

this christmas tree

was submitted by a nine-month-old.

yes it was!

***

NEVER STOP DREAMING, EVEN IF YOU SUCK AT IT

2011-12-28T01:34:00.000-05:00

for christmas this year, brandon and i gave each other a little table for our little dining room.

i gave him the top and he gave me the legs. isn't that romantic? stop that, it is too!

so we planned on not opening anything from each other on christmas morning, but then both of us went and broke the rules, because of the christmas spirit and things. you know how that happens.

i found brandon some terribly woolly socks and a really hot sweater (not hot like the temperature), and of all the things in the world, brandon marched himself over to the local dance store behind lincoln center and bought me a pair of ballet slippers. because i tell him only a million times a day when the abt dancers are running about the neighborhood that i always wished i were a dancer. and because my living room performances are the stuff of legend. and because, he told me as i opened them, he wants me to know that he will always support my dreams, even the silly ones. seriously. i mean, this guy. what a hunk!

but, really. serious grace. i am telling you, those performances would move you to tears.

and now that i mention it, i think that this week i might be falling more in love with my holbsdancer than ever. no no, i mean it! he is growing his christmas beard for me, and have i mentioned how that red beard makes my knees go all wobbly? and he is kind to my little brother and he is sweet to my little sisters and he goes grocery shopping with my mother and he makes me laugh and he loves on his fat baby and he is the sexiest damn lumberjack father this side of the willamette. yes SIR! there is no better gift than the love of a good man, and i am the luckiest girl alive. i give my holbsauce two thumbs up! and a pinch on the bottom!

speaking of bottoms . . .

you're welcome for that, internet.

(p.s. my sisters got some moves, too. you know it.)

(p.p.s. our christmas jams were vintage muumuus from the various thrift stores of eastern idaho. my mom's got skills.)