Nathanbaty.com

Wait-Which Transformer Won the Nobel Prize in Literature? Was It Optimus? It Was Optimus, Right?

2011-10-06T16:21:00.000-07:00

I'm just kidding, folks. I know the 2011 Nobel Prize in Literature was won by Tomas Transtromer, a Swedish poet nobody has ever heard of, and not a four-story alien semi-truck / robot.

Netflix CEO: "Come on, people! It's an April Fool's joke! Wait, what month is this? Fuuuuuuuck"

2011-09-20T19:23:00.001-07:00

LOST GATOS, CA—Netflix CEO Reed Hastings called an impromptu press conference this morning to discuss Netflix's plans to spin off its DVD mailing service into a separate website, Qwikster. "I got you guys! I got you guys good! Like we'd really inconvenience people with an entirely different website and then have the balls to name it something that sounds like it was thought up by a hungover intern one hour before the press release went out! Oh, you guys! You guys! I was just having some fun with you because of all that hoopla about raising our prices earlier this year. And I love a good April Fool's joke. Just like Google does every year. Remember when they did that mail you your email one? That was good. What? What's that? The month? What about the month? Wait, is that why they call it . . . ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . you know, I never really thought about it before . . . but yeah, that makes sense . . . . I . . . oh, shit. Hey, excuse me I have to make some calls."

Netflix's stock was down ten percent today in heavy trading.

Frodo Didn't Do Shit

2011-08-24T17:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, today we're going to discuss The Lord of the Rings. We're going to focus on the last movie since I just watched it for the first time. No, that isn't a time-stamp typo you see on this blog - it is 2011. Look, I've been busy. There was that housing market bubble, Saddam Hussein was captured, George Bush elected for a second term, John Paul II died, the Indian Ocean tsunami, Lance Armstrong won the Tour De France twice, balloon boy, Michael Jackson died, four Olympics, Mel Gibson DUI, Friends finale, Atkins, Howard Dean's scream, Nipplegate, the Xbox 360 released, Youtube launched, every Twilight book and movie, Writers Guild strike, Hurricane Katrina, Saddam Hussein executed, Facebook launched, bird flu, iPhones, iPads, Ricky Martin's gay, what else do I have to say? We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning, we didn't start the . . . sorry, got sidetracked there. What were we talking about about? Oh, yeah, right. So then Netflix finally sent me a copy of The Return of the King and I had time to sit down and watch it.

I am going to approach this through a series of questions:

What the fuck, Frodo?

Why is he the hero of this movie? What exactly did he do? He spent the entire third film either (1) getting knocked unconscious (2) getting wrapped up in spider goo (3) being an untrusting little bitch (4) having Sam throw him over his shoulder and carry him around. And the cherry on the fuck-up pie? He almost ruined everything at the end by refusing to toss the ring into the fire. Then everybody is chanting his name and bowing to him? What?

Sam did everything! Everything! And what does he get for it? He gets to bust his ass at some crappy job in Hobbitland with a wife who probably ballooned up to 300 pounds after the movie ended. And what does Frodo get? He gets to take a ship to Elf Island, where everybody lives forever and it rains gumdrops and the lakes are full of Cherry Coke. How did that conversation go down?

Sam: Mr. Frodo, you can't leave us! Where will you go?

Frodo: To Elf Island, Sam.

Sam: What?

Frodo: Elf . . .

Sam: I heard you. Don't you, like, live forever there?

Frodo: Yes, Sam, that is the idea.

Sam: Can I . . . can I come?

Frodo: No, Sam This must be my burden to bear.

Sam: Burden?

Frodo: (gazes longingly into the distance for several minutes)

Sam: What the fuck, dude?

Frodo: (still gazing)

Sam: You didn't even do shit. And I got to stay here in Hobbitville while you're off scaring up Elf tail in Live Forever Land?

Frodo: (still gazing)

Sam: Fuck you.

What sort of wizard are you, Gandalf?

Because you're apparently not the sort of wizard that, you know, does magic or anything. Sure, you drove those dragons away once with your wand. But can you shoot some fireballs, or freeze everybody with some sort of freeze-spell, or summon lighting, or . . . you can't do any of those things? Huh. Well, I guess keep clubbing ogres with your wand then. And while we're on the subject -

What's up with the eagles?

You had eagles? Huge eagles? This whole time? Eagles that rip through dragons like they're made of paper-mache? We've been getting our asses handed to us by dragons and you never thought to unleash the eagles? Did you think somebody would throw a fit if you were like, oh, hey, just by the way, I have a grip of mega-eagles with a taste for dragon blood that aren't doing anything right now . . . any interest in deploying them against these winged lizards that are currently decimating our ranks?

So the reinforcements are a magical army of the dead?

That can cut through all the enemies? With incredible ease? At lightning speed? How . . . convenient.

Why didn't Frodo die?

Doesn't this movie scream for some sort of sacrifice? No good guys really died. Nobody important at least. This may come as a shock to you, since it did take me the better part of a decade to get around to watching The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, but I always assumed that Frodo died in the end.

No! Not at all! After getting rescued from the volcano, Frodo wakes up in bed in a brightly lit room as the members of the fellowship trickle in to greet him. I assumed that at some point the camera would focus on the fellowship and then turn back to Frodo, revealing then that the fellowship was actually standing at his grave, the bedroom scene having been Frodo in the heaven Gandalf talked so much about. Not only did this not happen, the movie then went on another thirty minutes, at least fifteen minutes of which were filled with Frodo staring directly into the camera and smiling. And I think another five minutes might have been recycled footage from the ending of Star Wars. I'm not sure. I kept looking for a Wookie in the crowd. And did Aragorn start singing at the end? Did that happen? What the fuck is this? Magnolia? Does anybody remember that movie? No? Okay, moving on.

This ending pisses me off so much I demand that Peter Jackson drop everything he is doing and reshoot the ending of the movie to include my Frodo death scene idea. How can you have all those big speeches about heaven and not have anybody die? That's just poor storytelling. I'm going to start an online petition as soon as somebody shows me how to start an online petition. Is Ian McKellen still alive? It doesn't matter; we'll just CGI him in if necessary.

I Now Spend My Days Watching Reruns of Alf

2011-08-09T22:24:00.000-07:00

Did I mention I recently got a 3D TV and cable? Well that might explain the lack of blogtastic blogs, as my life now revolves around watching approximately 7 hours a day of 3D boxing, reruns of That 70's Show, and programs about how aliens built the pyramids. God I've missed you, cable. Welcome home.

But anyway, time to get back to doing what I do best.

Blogging, I mean.

Man that's sad.

Since my last blog the US has had its credit rating downgraded from AAA to AA-plus by Standard & Poor's. I think they also took the little gold star away from our rating. Maybe a smiley face or two as well.

Standard & Poor's is a division of McGraw-Hill. Think about that for a second. The WORLD ECONOMY is currently being dragged into a financial maelstrom by A COMPANY THAT PUBLISHES TEXTBOOKS FOR CHILDREN AND AVIATION WEEK.

Yep.

So let us now turn our attention to those countries which have been deemed the best places to keep your money by a company whose major assets include television station KERO-TV, an ABC affiliate operating out of Bakersfield, California. I believe that there is an episode of Wheel of Fortune airing later tonight if you are at all interested and within 30 miles or so of Bakersfield.

Australia

A perfectly fine place to keep your money though it should be pointed out that one out of every three bank tellers in Australia is a kangaroo wearing a people mask.

Canada

Honestly, there's about a 32% chance that all this grief we're taking in the world press is going to cause us to lose our shit and take you over, Canada.

Denmark

Hamlet is from there. So they got that going for them. I honestly couldn't find it on a map.

Germany

LOL . . . no. Just . . . no. So I guess we've all sort of decided to turn a blind eye to that whole losing two world wars thing? It's not like it happened 400 years ago or something.

Holland

Hypothetical question: If Holland detached from the Netherlands and subsequently sank, how long would it take before anybody else noticed? Two weeks? A month? Longer? I suppose at some point our college students who were heading there to smoke pot would be confused when their airplane landed in the ocean.

Norway

I like black metal. I like black metal a lot. Also, the country has recently been in the news because a mad man decided to express his hatred of Muslims by . . . killing scores of blue-eyed, blonde-haired kids. Yeah, that's . . . that's confusing.

Singapore

Wait, isn't this country mostly known for sex-change operations and caning people? Sure, give 'em your money. What the hell. Caning makes perfect sense. Wait - it isn't 1927? Oh, well then hold on for one second . . .

Sweden

Death metal! I like me some death metal too. This country also did do a great job of hiding gold for their masters, the Nazis, so maybe it is a good place to keep your money.

Switzerland

But as much as Sweden loved that sweet, sweet Nazi gold, it can't hold a torch to the Swiss. Did you ever notice that you can rearrange the letters in "Switzerland" to spell "Nazis R We Ltd?" Yeah, think about it.

Austria

Is this still a country? Really? Are we sure? This isn't one of those things where we forgot to take it off the map after WWII, right? Actually a country? You're sure? Okay, I'll take your word for it, internets. But if I look at a globe tomorrow and see it next to the Ottoman Empire, I'll know something is up.

Finland

Whatever.

France

Okay, now you're just trying to piss me off.

England

So a small island country that is currently engulfed in riots, that has a queen despite the fact that it's not 1437, that was at risk twice in the last hundred years of becoming New Germany, is a better place to keep your money than the USA? You know what? Do whatever you want with your money. I'm going to go figure out what all this Real Housewives fuss is about.

Study: 3D video causes eye strain, fatigue GOOD THING I DIDN'T SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON A 3D TV RECENTLY OH WAIT A SECOND I DID

2011-07-28T00:59:00.000-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2011/TECH/innovation/07/25/3d.video.eye.strain.ars/index.html?

Sorry, I can't be bothered by studies of eye strain and fatigue and early-onset blindness when everything is this awesome -

Video Games Are Not Violent Enough

2011-07-03T18:59:00.000-07:00

Apologies for the lack of blogtastic(tm) blogs, but I've been moving to a new apartment over the last few weeks. My new apartment's amenities include (1) a wall o' mirrors in the bedroom (2) a bottle opener built into the kitchen wall (3) track lighting in the kitchen and (4) a remote controlled light / fan in the living room with a mood lighting setting. Apparently I now live in the apartment of a swinger circa 1975. The shag carpeting and heart shaped tub and the bear rug that goes on top of the shag carpeting are all coming next week.

Also, this blog has nothing to do with video games. I was going to write something about the history of violence in video games (motivated by that recent Supreme Court decision), but I got a bit side tracked and then I didn't feel like thinking up a new title. So next up (maybe): Video games.

But for now, here are a few belated thoughts on Grantland.com. I'm mainly writing this because 90% of my traffic now comes from people searching for information about Grantland.com. The other 10% comes from people searching for information about Megan Fox's freak appendages and "arab toes" and "big p e n i s." Sadly I'm not making any of that up. That's what people are searching for when they end up on my site.

I had wondered about what form Grantland.com would take and what Bill Simmons' role would be. Bill's writing is featured prominently, which I expected, and he's also writing regularly again, which makes sense since he's going to be the site's biggest draw for a while. What I didn't expect was that Dave Eggers' hipster hands with their Flash Gordon secret decoder rings from a 1974 cereal box (that's the type of ring a middle aged hipster would wear, right?) would cradle the Grantland.com globe so closely to his Black Sabbath tshirt (definitely a hipster t-shirt).

Here, let's play a little game I like to call "Title of a McSweeney Article or a Grantland.com Article?" -

Regarding the Crazy Thing That Happened on Last Night's Game of Throne

Like It Or Not, You’re No Bob Costas

Bruins as Bears: The Sportstorialist on Sexual Coding and Playoff Beards

Understanding the Seattle SuperSonics by Comparing Them to Girls You May Have Dated in College

On 'Mama's Boyfriend'

Notes From the Caddieshack

The Empty, Empty Rogers Centre

The Philadelphia Flyers Have a Time Machine

Back into the Belly of The Beast

Dispatches from the NBA Entertainment League: Dispatch 1: The League and Game One: The Shame

Among the Hugs: A Visit to Wembley

Norse History for Bostonians: Lesson 9: A Short History of the Norse Invasion for Bostonians

Regulation Wormholes: The Absurdity of the NBA's Half-court Rule

In Defense of the Chimpy Corollary

On Whiskey and Grease: Pappy Van Winkle

McSweeney’s Recommends

Okay, not so much that last one, but not that easy, right? Here's how to check your answers: The first one is from Grantland and then they alternate all the way down. What can I say? I'm lazy.

Do you know what titles don't sound anything like any of those? These ones -

The Movie Star
Welcome to Draft Diary XV
Painting The NBA Trade Picture
A Black And Gold Day for Boston. Finally.
NBA Finals Game 6 Retro Diary
Dizzying Highs and Terrifying Lows
Proud to be an NHL front-runner
It's time for LeBrondown, Part II
Cashing In on the New Moneyball

Those are Bill's Grantland.com columns. As I speculated in the last blog, Bill does appear glaringly out of place among the more "literary" offerings populating Grantland.com at the moment. This isn't to take anything away from The Sports Guy. My Grantland.com routine has thus far been clicking on a non-Simmons Grantland.com column, getting bored after a few hundred words, and then switching to another tab to read Bill ramble about how 90210 characters are like Boston Red Sox players. Maybe Bill doesn't have all those big words and those complicated sentences with their dependent clauses and subordinators like his Grantland.com brethren, and, sure, Bill couldn't write his way out a wet paper bag if you armed him with a thesaurus and a condensed OED. But he's nothing if not entertaining.

Unfortunately, as of late is he's been only mildly entertaining. Though a mildly entertaining Sports Guy is better than most of what I've read / skimmed / skipped on Grantland thus far, I'm still a bit perplexed as to the drop-off in entertainment value. It's not that any of his columns for Grantland.com have been bad, but they've been rather middling. Take his recent column, The Movie Star, where he (1) apparently forgets to make up a title and (2) spends a few thousand words arguing that Ryan Reynolds isn't a huge movie star.

I guess because so many millions of people have been raving about what a huge movie star he is. Oh, wait, no, not at all. I'm pretty sure he's regarded as either Mr. Scarlett Johansson or that guy from Van Wilder or that guy who was People's Sexiest Man Alive but everyone knew that it was sort of joke because he wasn't nearly famous enough to be that and the honor was only bestowed on him because he was married to Scarlett Johansson.

Bill seems to believe that appearing as the lead in a middle-of-the-pack Summer blockbuster confers some sort of universal recognition as a Legend of the Silver Screen, Mr. Johansson having ascended in the eyes of the movie going public to a position alongside the Cary Grants and Paul Newmans and Elizabeth Taylors of the world. Ummm, dude, Tobey Fucking Maguire and whoever the hell is Harry Potter have been starring in Summer blockbusters for ages and I don't think anyone has accused either of them of threatening to procure the title of "World's Biggest Movie Star."

The Straw Man has always been one of Bill's best friend and it is not like he's ever been a master arguer. We are talking about a guy who wrote an approximately 4,000 page book with the central theme that successful sports teams are successful because they know "The Secret," a nebulous notion which basically boils down to "good team chemistry." Yep. But there seems to be more behind the lackluster columns than just unpersuasive arguments. A few ideas -

(1) Bill's rusty. Remember, his column writing has dwindled the last few years as he was preoccupied with his podcasts and writing the The Book of Basketball. Perhaps it will take time for him to work himself back into mid-season column-writing form.

(2) Bill needs an editor. I believe that he always worked with one while writing for espn.com. Is he working without one now since he's the Editor in Chief of Grantland.com? I don't know exactly how that works, but it would seem odd to have an editor to edit the Editor in Chief. Is the new found freedom too much for him?

(3) Or maybe Bill's just out of ideas, his initial turning away from column writing necessitated by a lack of anything new to say and not because he wanted to explore the wild, wacky world of Podcasts. Or, as I call them, Non-Streamed Syndicated Internet Radio Shows (NSSIRS). Trust me, I know all about a writer who's written so much that he's the shadow of the shell of the shadow (the shadow's shell's shadow, if you're keeping track at home) of his former self. Oh, boy, do I. Sigh . . . But anyway . . . wait . . . sigh . . . anyway -

Sigh.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm slowly moving my three-hundred or so myspace blogs over to a blogger site since myspace might disappear any day now. More details to come.

Gingrich's Top Aides: We Did Not Know What Year It Was Until Seven Hours Ago.

2011-06-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

DALLAS, TX— The political world was rocked Thursday morning following announcements from several of Newt Gingrich's top aides that they were abandoning the former Speaker's presidential campaign.

Campaign manager Rob Johnson broke down in tears when reached for comment Thursdays: "I . . . I . . . What happened? Where did all the time go? Where am I? I was sitting in a meeting just a few hours ago talking about the Clinton impeachment proceedings and joking with [senior aide] Dave Carney about this funny thing on Seinfeld and then suddenly there's this Obama guy I've never heard of and everything's just so strange and weird and . . . a black man as President? That can't be right . . . and what the fuck is this thing? An iPad? I . . . I don't even know what that is . . . where's the keyboard? What sort of voodoo magic is this? Somebody hold me . . . I'm, I'm scared."

Several other aides were hospitalized as of Thursday late afternoon. A doctor at Georgetown University speaking on the condition of anonymity stated that all displayed signs of severe temporal displacement. "It's like the last twenty years never happened. We showed the group pictures of Justin Bieber and not one of them could successfully identify him. [Top aide] Scott Rials asked who that girl with the weird hair was. And they all kept wanting to listen to Pearl Jam's Ten over and over again and play with their Beanie Babies. I don't even know what a Beanie Baby is! And when we gave [press secretary] Rick Tyler a cell phone in hopes that he would contact his family, he ate it. The whole thing! He ate the whole fucking thing! And where the fuck did they get those flannel shirts from? Nobody here gave them flannel shirts! I want to know where those shirts came from!"

Why Grantland.com Will Succeed . . . And Why It Won't.

2011-06-08T02:59:00.000-07:00

We're hours away from the launch of the Bill Simmons-helmed website Grantland.com (if that sentence is gibberish to you, you might as well go hang out here for a while). Will it be a massive success like Rocky II? Or will it fail miserably like Rocky V? Will it find a large, engaged audience like the first three seasons of Beverly Hills, 90210? Or will it flail around aimlessly like the last three seasons of Beverly Hills, 90210? Will it blah blah blah something The White Shadow season one? Or will it blah blah blah The White Shadow season three? Will it it blah blah Survivor? Blah blah blah Real World Road Rules Challenge? Blah Friday Night Lights? Blah blah The Bachelor? Can I come up with even more lines referencing crap in an unsubtle nod to the Sports Guy? Or have I run out of ideas? Well, I've run out of ideas, kiddies, so, anyway, here are a few of my thoughts on Grantland.com.

Why it Will Succeed -

Bill Simmons is the Most Popular Sportswriter in America (TM)

And Why It Won't -

Wait. Scratch that. He doesn't actually write anymore. As Bill battles an ancient Harper Lee for the "J.D. Salinger Memorial Award for the Most Famous Writer Who Doesn't Actually Write," his writing output has trickled to a column every week. And that's if you're lucky. During the last six months or so, as he has presumably been preparing for the Grantland.com launch, his output has fallen to even less than that. In fact, we've seen one of the more entertaining NBA seasons in recent memory fly by with nary a word from Bill, save for the occasional tweet.

Bill probably couldn't have picked a less serendipitous time to quit writing. He's trying to launch a sportswriting website and half a generation of Internet Children (he started podcasting and not-writing in early 2007) now know him as "Bill Simmons, the BS Report Podcast guy who shows up occasionally on Adam Carolla's podcast and who chats with JackO about the Yankees," and not "Bill Simmons, the man who once wrestled the Most Famous Sportswriter in America (TM) mantle from guys like Rick Reilly and" . . . .well, to be honest, Rick Reilly is the only other famous sportswriter I can think of right now. Is John Feinstein still alive? And did he write books about sports or am I making that up? I do that sometimes.

Anyway, Bill has replaced the bulk of his writing duties with The BS Report podcasts for espn.com (sometimes as many as three a week). Without question, the podcasts have done exceedingly well and he has situated himself squarely among the top ten or so most popular podcasters in America. That would be great if he was starting a podcast website. But he's not. Rather, he is starting a website centered presumably on long-form sportswriting, with an occasional pop culture bent.

The Sports Guy descended from Mount Worldwide Leader to say that Grantland.com will be about 70% sports and 30% pop culture. Will Bill Simmons' writing even be featured on Grantland.com. Will his columns still appear on the espn.com frontpage? Will he be featured on both? Will his 14,000 word column about how The Karate Kid II is like the Miami Heat's playoff run appear out of place on a website populated by more literary offerings? Are there even going to be more literary offerings? Or will it be like gawker.com but with balls . . . um, sports balls, I mean . . . like footballs and baseballs. Lots of questions.

So it remains to be seen what sort of form Grantland.com will take. The two samples released consisted of (1) A list of just about every forthcoming Summer movie with brief asides and jokes to accompany the entries (so it is exactly the same as 99% of the blogs written about movies on the internet) and (2) A long column called "The Garden of Good and Evil" which I only sort of skimmed because, well, you know, it's fucking long. Fine, fine, you caught me: I only glossed over the first paragraph and then left to look at pictures of cats with stuff on them.

Yeah, that's the stuff.

Anyway . . .

It's in that last little bit that we find what may be Grantland.com's Achilles' heel, the chink in its armor, its soft underbelly, the . . . okay, I've run out of synonyms: The Culture of tl;dr.

(tl;dr - Too long; didn't read, for all you Internet noobs out there)

(Noobs - Newcomers)

(Internet - This magical place that holds all the porn in the world and pictures of cats with stuff on them. Also, famous people's penises)

Will people stick around to read 12,000 word articles about the culture of corruption at USC? Perhaps they will. There's a market for that. But even if Bill succeeds in balancing the long-form with the quick hits that people want from their internet, what will he have accomplished other than creating deadspin.com part II? And why didn't he just walk out the door flipping the Worldwide Leader two middle fingers and tell the Deadspin guys he wants in?

Why It Will -

Hey! Sports! Everybody loves sports! And pop culture!

And Why It Won't -

There will never be any sports ever again! Ever! Everrrrrrrr!!!

Well, maybe there will be at some point in the distance future. But let's just say that Bill has definitely upped the degree of difficulty by starting a sports website at a time when the NFL and the NBA might be going away to that nice farm in the country to run free and frolic for a while.

And honestly the "pop culture" element to the website seems like some quaint holdover from the late nineties, early oughts. It's been done. It's been done better by others. It's been done for a long long time. Paris Hilton's now some middle aged woman with a line of handbags. Please don't put her on your webpage.

Why It Will -

These are the consulting editors:

Chuck Klosterman

Malcolm Gladwell

Dave Eggers

And Why It Won't -

What sort of long-term relationship can we expect these three to have with the site? They are all successful writers in their own right. Will they stick around to edit Bill's vanity site? And what will the nature of their editorial role be? Will it include a couple of columns a year? Will they be acting in more of an advisory role? Are they mainly there to have their names on the masthead?

Of the three, Klosterman makes the most sense, a pop culture ying to balance Bill's sports yang, and the two have a good rapport on Bill's podcast. Gladwell and Eggers make considerably less sense. Eggers has a very successful memoir and lackluster fiction and seems more interested in Hollywood these days. Gladwell's written some very popular pop-science books that get a lot of press and not much academic respect. Gladwell's at least been a guest on The BS Report. I have no idea why Eggers in this mix, though he does have a great track record of attaching himself to the right people.

Why It Will -

ESPN could care less about throwing a few million dollars away on a vanity project for one of their most popular personalities.

And Why It Won't -

Worst.

Name.

Ever.

Period.

Full Stop.

Do Not Pass Go.

Do Not Collect $200.

But seriously . . . yeah, that name sucks. Like an industrial vacuum cleaner stuck on "high" with a black hole for a power-source sucks. MegaSucks. Though this issue does bring about the question as to what a Bill Simmons website should be named. In naming his site Grantland, Bill has purposely steered away from the sort of Bill Simmons-esque name one might expect from a website he's running. Remember the first incarnation of his podcast? Eye of the Sportsguy? Yeah, like that.

So instead of Sweep the Leg the Website or The Many Faces of Manning the Website, we're stuck with a website named after a sportswriter from the twenties who nobody has ever heard of. And do not lie to me and say you have heard of him. He has grandchildren. They have not heard of him. [Editor's Note: It's not entirely clear from the Internet if he has grandchildren, but whatever.]

Why It Will -

He's still the Most Popular Sportswriter in America (TM)

And Why It Won't -

Bill is a fickle, fickle man. Off the top of my head, here is a list of Bill Simmons' projects that he has dropped soon after starting:

The Celtic's Chants Twitter

The Curious Guy Columns

Top 73 Sports Movie List (where he succeeded in ranking all of nine movies before abandoning the idea)

That putrid Sports Guy Cartoon that appeared on espn.com (though I'm not sure if he had much involvement in this or not)

Writing for Jimmy Kimmel's late night talkshow

Remember: We are talking about a guy who's first book was just a collection of articles he had already written with footnotes attached and whose most popular columns are answers to readers' questions and the aptly-titled "Ramblings."

Recently, Bill has found much success as the executive producer of the ESPN 30 for 30 documentary project. The idea behind the series is that each documentary is the vision of a director who has substantial creative control. Bill's involvement in each individual episode appears minimal.

Perhaps it is in this model that we find the most likely path to success for Grantland.com: Bill Simmons staying for the most part the fuck out of the way. He has hired some very talented people to write for Grantland.com -

Michael Weinreb

Katie Baker

Molly Lambert

Chris Ryan

Robert Mays III

Bill Barnwell

Patrice Evans

Sure, I haven't heard of any of these people, but they haven't heard of me either . . . um, I'm sure they are all great writers is what I meant to say.

If Grantland.com is going to succeed outside the wing of Mother ESPN it's going to be because it becomes something more than just Bill Simmons' columns with fuck-bombs . . . or, ummm, f-bombs . . . I guess fuck-bombs is sort of self-defeating. It's going to become a website powered by the writing of the best writers that Worldwide money can pluck from internet's feathery bosom.

And if Bill fails, he is always welcome to come write for me. Sure, I don't "pay money" or "have readers," but I have a little something called "gumption." And that's a lot of what you need in this wild, wild, World Wide Web. Well, that and "money" and "readers" and . . . you know what? Fuck it. Good job making Deadspin again, Bill. Just remember to send them a check every first of the month.

A Sad, Sad Day for the Children

2011-06-06T03:30:00.000-07:00

http://www.newsday.com/news/disney-legends-die-within-a-day-of-each-other-1.2932152

Now Wait Just One Second . . .

2011-06-04T15:09:00.000-07:00

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20499792,00.html

Ramona Singer: I Don't Have a Drinking Problem

Every Real Housewives fan knows Ramona Singer loves Pinot Grigio, but does the New York City star have a drinking problem?

She also noted: "I've been on the show for four years. How can I have five businesses, be married 19 years, have a daughter who's a straight-A student? I cannot even be a ... functioning alcoholic if I had all of this stuff going on. It would be impossible.

I'm pretty sure that is exactly the definition of a functioning alcoholic.

Lebron: Where Is Your God Now?

2011-05-27T15:53:00.000-07:00

The Lebron Lepocalypse continues! Maybe there's something to this "putting two of the best four players in the NBA on the same team" thing.

I tried calling Most Valuable Player Derrick Rose this morning to get his thoughts on the game, but was thwarted when Lebron stepped in and blocked Rose's attempt to answer my call.

With the entire US rooting for a 7-foot tall German, who may or may not be a genetically-modified super soldier, while rooting against two young men from Akron and Chicago, this is like bizarro World War II. And we all know how that ended . . . though I guess it would end with Germany winning since it's bizarro WWII. So this will be more like normal World War II -

Miami in five.

Russell Westbrook: "I Never Learned How to Pass"

2011-05-26T10:14:00.000-07:00

DALLAS, TX—During a post-game interview following Wednesday night's 100-96 loss to the Western Conference Champion Dallas Mavericks, Oklahoma City point guard Russell Westbrook confessed that he never learned how to pass. "I just never learned," said a dejected Westbrook, struggling to hold back tears. "I never learned."

Despite Westbrook averaging nearly five turnovers and shooting under 40% during the playoffs, his teammates confessed to not knowing the mercurial point guard's long hidden secret. "I guess it makes sense," said OKC forward Kevin Durant. "I told him once we were going to practice passing and he said, 'You mean like passing to the basket?' It was weird, but I didn't give it much more thought."

OKC coach Scott Brooks said at a press conference Thursday morning, "When we would run passing drills at practice, Russell would always have to go move his car, or make an emergency call, or pick a friend up at the airport. In retrospect, it was sort of suspicious. I think we're all guilty of looking the other way. But now that we know we are going to get him the help that he needs."

With his secret finally out in the open, Westbrook participated in passing drills at an impromptu practice late Thursday afternoon. Though many of his early attempts sailed a yard or more over his teammates' heads, and others were thrown seemingly straight up into the air, Westbrook reiterated to reporters his newfound optimism: "I'm finally understanding what it means to be a teammate. Who would have thought, me, passing? Weird, huh?"

Jealous?

2011-05-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

Yeah you are.

And to follow up on a story I covered here -

Zsa Zsa Gabor is unresponsive, hospitalized, husband says

"She got into a little coma," Prince Frederic von Anhalt said.

This is where I make some stupid joke about what exactly constitutes a "little" coma, but before I can do that -

Gabor was taken to Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center Tuesday afternoon because the feeding tube inserted into her stomach was "bleeding ... like a fountain," her spokesman said.

Wait - What the FLYING FUCK! Why the fuck is this poor women still being kept alive? She's 94 and just had a leg amputated! Is this performance art? What the fuck is going on? Is this a bad Twilight Zone episode? A David Lynch movie? Is this "The Lottery?" Are we fucking with Zsa Zsa to insure a good harvest? Hey, don't get me wrong: I like a good harvest as much as the next guy but . . . ahhhhh, actually, you know what, I really do like a good harvest. Fine, carry on.

Mmmmm . . . corn.

From the Country That Brought You Crocodile Dundee and the Koala -

2011-05-15T02:35:00.000-07:00

Australia man plunges to 'planking' death

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43036847/ns/world_news-asiapacific/

"Planking," a growing craze in Australia and spreading elsewhere, involves somebody lying flat on one's stomach, stiff as a plank, in unexpected places.

I, um, I - wait - what? Planking? Does this have something to do with that Bieber-thing I keep hearing about? It better not.

Happy Mother's Day Mothers of the World!

2011-05-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

This! This is what you mean to us!

Free e-cards and brunch at IHOP or Applebees, whichever is closest and/or we have a coupon for. And also the movie Troy for some reason that I'm not altogether clear on right now.

Rush Limbaugh: "Yes, Osama was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never understand!"

2011-05-06T01:13:00.000-07:00

Remind me again why The Onion doesn't hire me write for them? Is it because I sent them an unsolicited email quoting my price at $700 per word, or $50,000 per article, whichever is higher? These words, they're gold Jerry! Gold!

NEW YORK CITY, NY—The political world was rocked by radio talk show host and right-wing proponent Rush Limbaugh's shocking admission that a decade long romance with mass murder and Al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden was at the root of his recent attacks against President Obama.

Initial suspicions of the strange, untoward affair between the rotund radio announcer and the mass murderer of nearly three-thousand men, women, and children were raised Monday morning when Mr. Limbaugh launched into a bizarre diatribe aimed at President Obama, just hours after the President had announced to the world the killing of Osama bin Laden at the hands of U.S. special operations forces.

After an opening monologue where Mr. Limbaugh sarcastically praised the efforts of President Obama, the radio show took an unexpected and dark turn when Mr. Limbaugh faced questions from a caller.

George from Trenton: Why all the hate for Obama, Rush? He went in there and put a bullet in that [censored]'s head. And after Bush proved as impotent as an effeminate castrato to do the same.

Limbaugh: Listen here, George. A man died! A man! Do you understand that? A human being!

George: What? People were jumping out of skyscrapers while on fire, Rush!

Limbaugh: Listen you [censored]! Do you want the truth? Do you? Yes, Osama was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never understand!

George: Wait, what?

A White House source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated Tuesday that evidence of the affair was uncovered by the intelligence community soon after the May 1st raid that claimed the life of Osama bin Laden and four others. "The copy of [Rush Limbaugh's] See, I Told You So, signed, "To my dearest Mujahideen Osama! LOVE U 4 EVA BOO! You're[sic] Rushypoo," on the dresser was sort of a tip off. Plus all those photos of them on vacation. And those videos of them . . . them . . . look, I really don't want to go into it right now."

The President has declined to comment on the affair, which, according to personal emails leaked by a government source to the Associated Press early Wednesday, seems to have blossomed over Mr. Limbaugh and Osama Bin Laden's mutual hatred of Former President Clinton and "the Liberal Devil."

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney reaffirmed the President's support for equality in all facets of life. "The President's position has always been in support of the love between two people, whether they be a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, or a man and an insane, mass murdering monster, or . . . sorry . . . lost my train of thought . . . you know, it is actually pretty fucking sick. Wait - Keep that off the record."

In addition to these revelations, comments critical of Obama by conservative commentator Sarah Palin fueled further rumors late Wednesday. Jay Carney responded to these rumors at a White House press conference Thursday morning: "Sarah Palin? What? No, she's still just a dumb bitch."

Various Problems With the Movie Escape from New York

2011-05-03T20:12:00.000-07:00

I have discovered three.

And why are we talking about a twenty-year-old movie? Because it was on Netflix instant viewing and I was bored. That's why.

First Problem:

Why didn't this conversation ever take place?

President (to his Cabinet): Crime has increased 400%. Our streets are a war zone. We need to act. We need ideas. Big ideas.

Secretary of the Interior: What if we deploy the National Guard to the worst areas of our cities?

Secretary of Defense: Declare martial law if necessary. A huge show of force.

Department of Education: Those are only temporary fixes. We need to educate the children before they turn to a life of crime.

President: Okay . . . okay. Those are all good ideas. But I think I've figured it out.

(The assembled Cabinet members lean forward in their chairs, waiting for the President's plan)

President: Follow me here: What if . . . .What if we build a huge wall around Manhattan Island and then move all currently incarcerated people to this island. And all future incarcerated people will be placed here too. And here in this hellish, urban landscape they will create their own laws, their own society. And if they try to escape, they will be killed.

Secretary of the Interior: Well . . . okay . . . I . . . the entire island?

Secretary of Defense: Manhattan is the financial and cultural center of the world, Mr. President.

President: The entire island.

Department of Education: It's, ummm, it's good that we're brainstorming ideas here but maybe we . . . ummm . . . I'm not saying it's a bad idea, Mr. President. In fact, it's a . . . it's a very forward, ummm, forward-thinking idea and . . .

Secretary of Defense: . . . the financial and cultural center of the world.

Department of Education: If I may, Mr. President. Great idea, but . . . perhaps, just perhaps, there could be some issues with such a super prison. What if, say, a plane carrying civilians, or somebody important, crashed within its walls?

President: Oh, that's impossible. Nobody would be stupid enough to have a plane in the air within a thousand miles of such an apocalyptic hell on earth. Okay. That settles it. My mind is made up. We began construction on the wall tomorrow.

Second Problem:

Cell phones weren't this big in 1997-

Third Problem:

And why didn't they have this conversation?

Vice President: Commisioner Hauk, I need you to rescue the President. We won't be able to send in the military. If the criminals see us coming, they'll kill the President on the spot.

United States Police Force Commissioner Bob Hauk: Yes, we need to act fast. Our options are limited. (thinking) (snaps fingers) I got it!

VP: What is it?

Hauk: We're going to send in just one man. This man will track down the President and then bring him back safety to us.

VP: One man? That might work. But we need just the right man.

Hauk: I know exactly who.

VP: Who? Secret service? Navy Seal? Delta Force?

Hauk: He was special forces, but now he's a career criminal.

VP: What?

Hauk: Snake Plissken.

VP: Wait, we have the best trained men in the world at our disposable. So why exactly are we sending in a criminal?

Hauk: Snake's the best.

VP: I'm sure he's good, but how do we know he won't kill the President himself? Or switch sides?

Hauk: We'll implant a small explosive charge into his neck. He will have to return the President to us in twenty-four hours or the charge will explode and kill him.

VP: I . . . wait, what? Explosive charges in his neck? What if he's ten minutes away from getting the President off the island and the charges go off? What if he's flying the fucking glider off the island when the charges go off? I just think that there might be a number of problems with this that you haven't considered.

Hauk: It has to be Snake.

VP: I think I saw a Marine right outside the door and we don't have to put any charges in his neck. And, hey, fuck it, why don't we send in like two or three or six guys? It's not like there's any rule that says we can only send in one. In fact, it seems like just sending in one would be a huge strategic error on our part. What if Snake slips and twists his ankle?

Hauk: Snake Plissken don't slip.

VP: You say that now, but . . .

Hauk: He don't slip.

VP: (to the rest of the room) Hey, could anyone here explain to this guy why sending in exactly one criminal with explosives buried in his neck isn't the best plan we can come up with to rescue the President? Anyone?

Hey! Rest of the World! Still #1

2011-05-02T02:50:00.000-07:00

Do you have any idea what day Nate was brought into this world? Any idea at all?

September 12, 1979.

Yep.

So here's to ruining my 22nd birthday.

Burn in hell motherfucker.

I Am Too Classy to Make Obvious Jokes About This ESPN.COM Photo

2011-05-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

Yep.

Too classy.

It's not that sort of blog, people.

Move on.

Nothing to see here.

Dodger? I Never . . . Oh, Forget About It . . .

2011-04-20T18:24:00.000-07:00

Bud Selig says MLB will run Dodgers

http://sports.espn.go.com/los-angeles/mlb/news/story?id=6397488

Major League Baseball is taking the extraordinary step of assuming control of the Los Angeles Dodgers

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig told Frank McCourt on Wednesday he will appoint a trustee to oversee all aspects of the business and the day-to-day operations of the club.

Wait . . . Frank McCourt? How did the guy who wrote Angela's Ashes buy the Dodgers? He has that kind of money? Wait . . . and he's dead too? The plot thickens. Or does it?

It does.

(cue ominous music)

Help! I Died and Woke Up in 1996! Somebody Remind Me to Make Google and Facebook and Warn Everyone About 9/11! Ah, Screw It - That's Too Much - Just Remind Me to Make Google!

2011-04-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

J.Lo named People's most beautiful woman

http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/04/13/us-jenniferlopez-idUSTRE73C51U20110413

LOL . . . no, really . . . huh? . . . really? . . . wow . . . that's . . . that's neat . . . but, um . . . seriously? . . . I mean, there's nothing wrong with that . . . she's a very . . . a very, um, handsome - I mean beautiful - woman . . . not at all old . . . did Fox buy People Magazine recently? . . . seems like I would have heard something about that . . . definitely would have been in the news . . . yep . . . okay . . . well, I'm going to go stand over there for a while . . . okay . . . bye . . .

Soccer? I Never Touched . . . Wait, I Used That Title Before

2011-04-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

The Masters is America’s greatest sporting event

http://progolftalk.nbcsports.com/2011/04/04/the-masters-is-americas-greatest-sporting-event/

Let me make this very clear: A small percentage of people in this country care about a golf tournament when Tiger Woods is winning that tournament. Almost no percentage of people care about a golf tournament when Tiger Woods is not in contention. For example, in 2010 when the Tiger Woods Freak Circus (TWFC) was in full effect -

http://www.businessweek.com/news/2010-04-09/woods-s-masters-return-sets-cable-tv-ratings-record-correct-.html

The first round of the Masters Tournament was the most-watched golf broadcast in cable television history as Tiger Woods returned to the sport following an almost five-month absence.

ESPN’s coverage of the event at Augusta National Golf Club in Augusta, Georgia, yesterday was seen by an average 4.94 million viewers[.]

Or roughly a quarter of the viewers who watch a rerun of Two and a Half Men on a Monday night. Or a little more than three and a half times the audience that watches Conan. Also, somebody google "Conan" and get back to me with what exactly it is. Thank you.

I haven't seen this much misguided praise for a sport since America's Favorite ~~Sports Writer~~ Podcasting Guy (TM) Bill Simmons spent this summer fellating soccer, or as it is known to the rest of the world: soccer.

Check out this column for some chuckles, especially the conclusion - http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/100701

Like a battered wife who keeps returning to her husband, Simmons convinced himself that this was the year that soccer would finally catch on. This year was different. Not like all those other years (that oddly seem to occur every four years like clockwork) where soccer seemed to be just on the cusp of breaking out, only to be completely forgotten by absolutely everyone in this country fifteen seconds after the final whistle of the final game of the World Cup. But not this time! No! This time it would be different! Except it wasn't. And now major league soccer in America has approximately the same profile as minor league hockey and mixed-doubles tennis.

In conclusion, some bonus content. I came across this wikipedia entry while I was doing research (yes, I do research) -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sports_in_the_United_States#Sports_media_in_the_United_States

Despite the size of the sports market in the U.S., the country does not have a national daily sports newspaper. This is because the contiguous 48 states spread across four time zones, and games on the West Coast may not end until early morning in the East. This makes it difficult to distribute a national newspaper with the scores of late games in time for morning delivery.

This country does not have a national daily sports newspaper? We need a national daily sports newspaper? People are fretting about the lack of a national daily sports newspaper? Was this paragraph written in 1985? What's it doing on the internet? Aren't there some sort of standards that have to be followed or some sort of gatekeeper to keep such things off the internet? Oh, there isn't? Okay.

And what's a newspaper anyway? Somebody get me a picture of a newspaper stat. Hmmm . . . okay . . . wait . . . a bum blanket? Are you talking about bum blankets? You can read those? You can print sports scores in them? My head's spinning.

I'm just joking, kids! I know what a newspaper is. It's the stuff you use to line hamster cages.

Incepscape

2011-03-28T18:56:00.000-07:00

I watched Dreamscape on Netflix's instant streaming service last night. It's a sci-fi thriller about people entering other people's dreams. It was pretty good, but I liked it better the first time when it was called Inception.

In other news, I thought I had stumbled across some satirical website - like The Onion - when i saw this headline -

Women who post lots of photos of themselves on Facebook value appearance, need attention, study finds

The actual website? The Los Angeles Times. And it's an actual study from an actual university, the University at Buffalo. Well, perhaps I'm throwing around the word "actual" a little loosely here.

Let's Try to Work Through This Together

2011-03-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20393387_4,00.html

Okay . . . deep breath . . . it is recommended that you consume more than this amount of fat per day. Recommended! By the government! So if you only ate two of the patties somebody in a lab coat might tap you on the shoulder and point out that you're barely consuming half of the amount of fat recommended for daily consumption by the USDA. Eat up, skinny! What? Do you want people to think that you have an eating disorder? Do you? No, or course not! Eat the other two patties now! Now!

And keep in mind that this is for women! Nate can probably order the sextuple burger. Mmmm . . . sextuple.

Who's the head of the USDA anyway? Is it this guy?

It's this guy, right?

Pelvic What Now?

2011-03-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

That. Sounds. Painful.

Very.

Painful.

II

SXSW: the best of geek chic

Geek Sex: Hooking Up at SXSW

SXSW helps new technologies gain prominence

SXSW: Sexual survival guide for geeks

Hot, New Technologies Converge at SXSW ‎

Geek Spring Break Starts At South By Southwest

I'm confused. When I was a kid, SXSW was a hipster musicfest filled with guys with ironic beards and Buddy Holly glasses. Basically, it was as if a swarm of River Cuomo Clones descended on Central Texas to listen to the Robert Pollard and drink Pabst for a week. When did it become Comic-Con and the Macworld Conference rolled up into one? With lots of awkward geek-sex? Did I miss a memo again?

III

Depressed dads more likely to spank

Yeah? Really? No shit, Sherlock. Did you need a study to find that out? Did my tax dollars pay for this? Wait a second? What? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . I see. You're talking about spanking kids. Kids. Oh . . . okay . . . ummm . . . never mind . . . just, um, I had something else in mind entirely . . . forget about it. Moving on.