Yesterday, I turned 28. While that’s not considered any particular milestone to most people, it was of significant personal importance to me.

28 was supposed to be the age when I had everything together in my life. My perception of the world is a mix of optimism, ambition, and intense determination. When I say “this is what I’m going to do and this is how it’s going to be,” I really do everything I can to succeed.

With that in mind, life did not go as planned when I was 27. Most of you know the story, and for those who don’t, I’d be happy to tell you sometime. But the bottom line is that I was thrown a huge curve ball. I had two options:

Option #1 - Give up, admit defeat, lay down and die.
Option #2 - Rebuild everything I thought my life was and define the next chapter.

During some dark moments, Option #1 really did seem like the way to go. When the rug is pulled out from under you, it’s hard to get back up. But I did. I always do, and always will have one more fight left in me.

So as I’ve crossed over to a new age, I’ve worked to understand 28 will not be the age that I have everything together. But I’m working on it… always a work in progress. I have my goals, my plans, my hopes and dreams. I do believe everything works out in the end, and that’s the eternal optimist in me.

While I work to achieve it, I know I have a great group of family and friends that love me. That helps a lot. I went out last night and had a great time. It was a fun birthday and I’m happy to have a new man by my side to help me celebrate it.

Graham and I love the photo at the top of this post. It was taken last night and it’s our favorite one. It’s silly and unusual… well, it’s us.

28 may not be what I thought it would be, but I have a feeling it’s going to be even better!

Let me start by setting up the scene. Graham and I met at a dance club. There is this cloudy/fog stuff that they spray from the ceilings at random intervals during songs. It turns the dance floor into this dreamy, surreal atmosphere.

So there I was, standing by a pillar and the clouds slowly lifted. That’s when my eyes met with this tall, handsome man with the most jubilant smile. He looked very familiar, but I couldn’t figure out how I knew him.

Just then, Lady GaGa’s new song, “Bad Romance,” started playing and everyone was excited. You know the gay boys love Miss GaGa! I really like the song and I wanted to dance to it. I walked up to Graham and introduced myself with a handshake, then asked, “Would you like to dance with me?”

He enthusiastically agreed. While we were dancing, we asked each other basic questions. We both recognized each other. It finally registered that I met Graham through my blog over 3 years ago! Graham has a blog as well, and it all came together for me.

“Hey, I’m Nathan Exposed!” I said to him.

“Oh, my God! You are!” he said with a huge smile, then he hugged me. “It’s so great to meet you!”

I felt like I’d connected with an old friend. We’d never met in person, but I always thought he was cute. We both had a partner when we first corresponded, so our conversations weren’t very personal. I don’t remember what made us stop talking, but it was nothing specific. We just lost touch. But after meeting him in the flesh, I felt like I knew him so well within just a few minutes.

We tiptoed around the topic of boyfriends and we were both single, so that was good. I found him to be very attractive, and from what I remembered of him, he was always very nice to me. So we exchanged numbers and talked about getting together again.

The mutual feelings began to take off from there. The rest is our own personal history, but I just have to say that he makes every day amazing. I call him my Golden Graham. He’s wonderfully sweet, thoughtful, and has the most optimistic outlook of the world. I feel like anything is possible when we’re together.

There was never really a stage of awkwardness or uncertainty with us. It felt like we both were on the same page from the very first conversation, and we’ve stayed that way. We go at the same pace, we both seem comfortable and confident with things.

It feels funny to know I first “met” him years ago, and he’s always been just an e-mail away. What a crazy twist of fate that we would end up together.

It feels right, and I want to tell everyone in the world about him.

One thing I’ve tried to do to remedy this situation is bringing my own reusable bags into stores. It felt funny at first, carrying a Publix or Kroger bag into a place like Walgreens. But it always impresses the person working at the register. Actually, they’ve thanked me for doing it.

The bags are bigger, sturdier, and much easier to pack. Plus, the obvious benefit is that I’m not using plastic. People behind me notice, and I’d like to think that my actions will inspire at least one person to do what I do.

So if you want to do something friendly for the earth, pick up some reusable bags at your grocery store. They’re usually just $1 each. I always keep mine in my car so I can use them at other places too.

The sun is really going to have to work hard to outshine me because I’m in a great mood all the way around. I have something fun planned for every night of the week, leading up to my birthday on Friday. Good friends, good times, and a good new man in my life.

Oh, and then the week after that is Thanksgiving. I’ll be seeing my family and meeting up with a friend I haven’t seen since 2000! Then we get into the holiday season. I’m looking forward to starting new traditions and rediscovering the season.

Life is great. I’m going to enjoy every day left in this year and I’m ready for an exciting 2010!

That’s definitely true for me! If you cook for me, I’m at your mercy.

This weekend, I was treated to a wonderful dinner by Graham. You’re going to get hungry just hearing about it.

He started with a tasty salad that had Green Goddess dressing, feta cheese that was seasoned with tomato and basil, walnuts and chickpeas. The main course was whole wheat fettucine with homemade tomato alfredo sauce. He served it with freshly baked garlic cheese bread and Pinot Grigio. Needless to say, I was in heaven.

I lit candles all over my living room and then started a fire in the fireplace for us to eat by. Of course, there had to be music too. We listened to the soulful sounds of Amy Winehouse, Adele, John Legend, Etta James, courtesy of Pandora Radio on my iPhone. One of my all-time favorite songs came on too…

You’re just too good to be true
Can’t take my eyes off of you
You’d be like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much

It was Lauryn Hill’s rendition of “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You.”

After a romantic meal, we went to see Paranormal Activity. It freaked me out, but neither of us liked it as much as it had been hyped. I did jump at the very end, and he laughed about that later. Ha! What can I say? It surprised me.

I had a very nice weekend. The food was delicious and there were a lot of special moments… but I think the most important element is talking. Graham and I can talk for hours, and that means a lot to me. If a man doesn’t have ideas, opinions, and insights to discuss, there’s just no future. Thankfully he and I have plenty to share with each other.

I’ll be turning twenty… um… something.

I received a card today from my parents and it really choked me up.

Here’s what the card said inside:

You love his smile. You know his shrug. You’d recognize his walk a block away. He makes you laugh. He makes you proud. A thought of him can really make your day. You hope for him. You dream for him. You pray that life will always treat him well. He’s all you ever wanted in a son. You love him more than words could ever tell.

Ooh, that gave me chills just typing it out.

Mom also wrote a note:

Nathan, what a true card. You are my sunshine. Love, Mom.

Dad wrote:

Nathan, you do have a great smile. I do know your walk. You do make me laugh. I do hope life treats you well. I am very proud of you and love you very much. Your Dad.

It’s really great to be so loved. I’m looking forward to seeing them for the holidays.

Well, funny as it may seem, I actually have met someone through this blog. It’s a little more detailed than that, but I’m quite happy about it! In fact, I’m nothing but smiles these days.

This applicant’s a keeper! I first corresponded with him 3 years ago, and I never realized what was right there in front of me. At the time, I was in a relationship and he was too. His name is Graham, and I’ll have more to say on this topic in the future.

Sorry, boys. The position has been filled.

Sometimes a person can make you smile with just the sound of his voice.

Sometimes you start your day and the first thing on your mind is sending a text message to ask how he’s doing. But then you look at your phone and see he’s already done the same thing.

Sometimes you let your guard down and believe that if you fall for him, he will feel the same and you won’t be disappointed this time.

Sometimes you just can’t wait to find out what will happen next.

Sometimes it’s a person that you’ve known all along, and you never even noticed him right there in front of you.

I love it that Lady GaGa does some crazy shit and people can’t get enough. Who else could do a video like this and have it played to mainstream audiences? Undoubtedly another hit for her. You have to see it to understand:

One of my complaints about Christianity is the fear of asking questions. I have a lot of questions and I am a very inquisitive person. Did a man really die on a cross and rise up again? Wouldn’t that make him a zombie? And why are there so many miraculous stories in the Bible, yet I never hear about people walking on water these days? Come on, this is the YouTube generation. Surely someone somewhere is performing miracles.

I dunno. I believe in God and I believe there is something larger than all of us. Don’t ask me to explain it because I can’t. I just know what I feel, and it gives me comfort. I feel good praying when I go to sleep at night.

Anyway, last month I decided to go to a church. It’s what I call a “gay church,” meaning it’s accepting of the gay community and the pastor is a lesbian. It really took a lot to get me to go. Several people have asked me to attend over the years, and I resisted quite a bit.

The pastor is a sweet woman. She talked about loving ourselves and opening up to being loved by others. Am I open to love? Am I truly willing to let someone love me back?

Hard questions nobody wants to think about. They opened up a floodgate in my soul. Before I knew it, tears were pouring out of me. I couldn’t even contain myself. I tried to pretend like I was okay, but the rain would not stop pouring.

The moral of the story was (of course) about letting God love me. Letting myself be healed and letting go of the pain. We all have pain. Maybe some of you out there are clinging to it too.

Everyone goes to church for different reasons. I’m not particularly concerned with the Bible, or anything related to religion. Instead, I look at it as an opportunity to grow emotionally. I’m not sure how it all plays out with relation to Jesus or God, but I did feel something that day. It helped.

It was the right time and the right place that day. To answer the hard questions— Am I open to love? Yes, I believe I am. I do love myself. I radiate love. I think anyone who knows me feels it.

Also, I do believe in a higher power and I believe that I can become a more enriched person through this church. I don’t agree with or believe in everything they teach, but thankfully they aren’t preachy or pushy. I appreciate that. I think it’s okay to agree with some things and disagree with others. The core message is still love and compassion. I’m all for that.

Are you open to love?

#1 - Sit down when you take a piss.
I don’t care if you think it’s girly. I hate cleaning my toilet and I always sit down in my bathroom. I don’t like seeing your dried sprinkles on the toilet when I wake up in the morning. My toilet, my rules.

#2 - Wipe your dick.
My mouth, my rules. This refers to #1 above, and again, it’s not that complicated. I keep wet wipes prominently displayed on the toilet. Figure out why.

#3 - Shams are not for sleeping on.
Do you see my head on the pillows and not the shams? Exactly. Mimic the way I’m sleeping. Thank you.

#4 - Use a coaster on the coffee table.
Come on, you’re a gay man. There’s just no excuse for that.

#5 - I don’t care if you don’t like cats.
If I had to choose, things wouldn’t look too good for you.

#6 - Do not pinch my nipples or flick them with your tongue.
I tell every man this, yet inevitably, they do it anyway. Flat palms and flat tongues only. If you can’t do it right, leave them alone, please. They’re very sensitive.

#7 - I think it’s weird that you want me to pull out and cum on your back.
What’s with guys wanting me to pull out, rip the condom off and shoot on their back? It may look hot in porn, but it’s distracting and annoying in reality. If I like your ass enough to reach a climax that way, why would I stop to jack off at the end?

#8 - Ending on a positive note:
If you kiss my neck, I’ll fall in love. If you kiss my thighs, I’ll ask you to marry me. Do what you want with this information.

I have a new routine for relaxing at the end of the day. I like to keep it really cold in my bedroom and then bury myself under big, fluffy blankets. This attracts one of my cats, Purr Purr, because everyone knows cats can’t resist big, fluffy blankets.

Purr Purr sits on my chest with her paws curled underneath her like a little duck. I call her “Ducky.”

While she takes a ducky nap, I read a book. But I must admit, it isn’t long before I drift off to a ducky nap myself. Something about a purring cat sleeping on your chest is so peaceful.

That’s the story of ducky love.

Well I did call him the next day, and he’s a very sweet guy actually. We got together two more times that week and learned a lot about each other. I was about to ask him on a date.

That all stopped when I found out he’s allergic to cats. Sorry, no way. I’ve dated guys in the past who are allergic to cats. I have two cats, and they’re not going anywhere. I love animals too much and plan on always having cats in my home, no matter who I end up with.

That being said, I just think it’s asking for trouble to date someone who is allergic. He wouldn’t be able to come over and if it got serious, we could never live together. So we talked about it and agreed that we liked each other, but also agreed that it would be a problem if we got serious. We still wanted to be friends though.

Well… I saw him on Halloween, dressed in camo pants, black and green face paint, a bullet belt tied around his chest, and no shirt on. Oh, honey, it was getting hot up in there. He came up to me and kissed me, then winked and left. That tease… Ha ha.

I saw him later in the night and he grabbed my hand and took me to the dance floor. Do I really need to say what happened next?

Fast forward 3 hours. The night was winding down and I had black and green face paint all over me. He had come with a friend, but the friend was leaving. He wanted to stay, so I told him I’d take him home. Problem solved.

He was feeling cold so I took off the cape from my pimp costume and put it on him, then held him. A group of his girl friends all let out a collective “awwww.” Okay, okay, what can I say? I’m a gentleman at heart.

I think it was about 3 or 4 in the morning and he told me he was hungry. So I asked him if I could take him to eat. We went next door to the restaurant that’s connected to the bar. The tables were candlelit and the light flickered in his eyes. He was looking all puppy dog-ish at me, and you just know that’s trouble. We had already agreed that it could never go anywhere.

Nonetheless, we had a romantic meal, most of it spent with him staring deeply into my eyes. After we finished, I walked him to my car under the full moon. A light fog was rolling through the city streets. I opened the passenger door for him and got my coat out of the seat and wrapped it around him. Once he was in, I went around to my side and started the heat full blast. He was shaking and the temperature in my car said 39 degrees. I held him in my arms until he’d warmed up, then drove him home.

He gave me a long kiss goodnight. Damn, he’s such a sexy kisser. I can’t understand half the things he says to me, but oh well. I guess we got our first date after all.

I wonder if I could just segregate him in my bedroom and let the cats roam the rest of the house? If I brought him meals and made him quit his job, that could work out… right?

When I meet someone and really like them, I don’t talk about them. It’s this odd thing I do to protect things that are most sacred to me. That’s how I felt about this man.

We just clicked immediately. We were very similar in all the right ways, but we were different too, and it was this nice balance that kept things interesting. We laughed constantly and had this funny energy where we fed off each other. I would say something crazy and outlandish, then he would try to top that and say something even crazier.

And when it came to romance and emotions, we were the same way. We both had this fiery passion about us that the outside world couldn’t see. Just like with our humor, we would try to outdo each other with our sweetness toward each other. We were ridiculously sappy when we were alone, and we loved it.

Things came to a screeching halt after he met with his doctor. He was diagnosed with something that’s killing him and it’s happening aggressively. He disappeared, he ran away. I wish he hadn’t, but I understand. We really had just started seeing each other, and he felt it wasn’t right to drag a new boyfriend through his own personal hell. I don’t agree with his decision; I think I could have been there for him, but it was his choice nonetheless.

I’m purposely being vague about his medical diagnosis. I feel like it would invite all kinds of questions and advice, and I just don’t want to take that angle. He has a doctor and I’ll leave that stuff to them.

So I’m just writing this to say how sad it makes me. I hope he survives; I guess there is always a small chance. But all in all, the current status is that he does expect to die within a year and nobody is really saying otherwise. Doctors aren’t coming in saying “Oh, you’re going to be fine. It’s all going to work out.”

He’s picked out a casket and made funeral arrangements. It’s all so crazy and surreal, I don’t even know how to absorb or accept it.

I just know that this incredible man came into my life, made my head spin, turned my world upside down. He was, in theory, everything I was looking for. Obviously we weren’t together long enough to find out if that is true. And now, it doesn’t appear we ever will.

I’ve agreed to be there for him, as his friend. But he’s told me that he plans to be reclusive and shut himself off. I wish he wouldn’t, but I obviously don’t know what he’s feeling now and I can’t act like I understand. So truthfully, I really don’t know how much more I’ll see him.

I wish we had been together longer and I wish I had more memories to share. He is someone who is going to leave a big imprint on my heart.

I guess heaven will get an angel back if he dies.

I was planning on dressing up as Kathy Griffin for Halloween. I was so excited about it. I had a red wig and make-up and planned on wearing all black like she does during her routines. I even got blue contacts, but I just couldn’t pull it off. As pale as I am, my features are still too dark to be her. I just looked like a bad drag queen with a red wig on.

But I’m excited to say that I plan to to wear my pimp outfit that I wore in 2005 at The Ellen Degeneres Show. I think it will be fun. Now who wants to be Pimp Daddy Nathan’s bitches for Halloween? Any volunteers?

I’ve learned that I actually am capable of having sex without love (although I prefer to have them together, because it is much more meaningful).

I’ve learned that I’m really good at flirting with men (and women, apparently–I kissed a girl and I liked it!).

But I’ve also learned that I’m not really interested in one night stands, or random hook-ups. There is too much risk involved. STDs, broken condoms, broken hearts, hurt feelings, etc. I’d say that any pleasure I get from it is so fleeting that I’ve kind of given up sex for awhile.

I’m not saying I’m celibate. I’m just saying that I tried the hook-up thing and while I did have some mind blowing sex, I don’t care to go down that path again any time soon.

So in this journey to understand myself, I’m discovering that I really enjoy the thrill of the chase. I like to meet guys at bars, clubs, social situations, flirt with them, make out with them, feel each other up, dance a little, and that’s it.

I like being confident. I like walking up to a stranger, flashing a big smile at him and saying, “Dance with me.”

Tonight was a perfect example. I started dancing with a guy and a friend of mine got behind him and we sandwiched him in. Then we started french kissing while all three of us were grinding together. After that song, I moved over to a few new friends and did the same thing, but then a fourth person joined in. It was hot and I rubbed my dick against another guy’s and leaned back at an angle that really pushed us tightly together.

All in good fun. I have no intention of sleeping with anyone. It’s just so exciting to have this sexual freedom and know my boundaries. I enjoy testing my self control and seeing how far I can go without doing much of anything.

I still want Mr. Right. I really, really want to be loved and I have so much love to give to someone. But I guess for now, I’ll just enjoy these sexual games.

I meant what I said at the time. It was a hard time, a bad time, and a very ugly, low point. I’m not going to backtrack and try to pretend it didn’t happen.

But over time, wounds have healed and I finally forgave him in August. You may have even noticed that sometimes he comments on posts now.

Rodney has become a good friend and an active part of my life. We talk several times a week, sometimes for an hour or more. I’ve spent time with him and his new partner. The three of us went to a festival one day, and another time, we went out to dinner and a bar with some of their friends. Last Sunday, I met them at church and went to brunch afterwards. I like his new partner and I’m happy for them.

It’s amazing how life can change. I obviously never thought I’d hang out with an ex and his new man. I never thought that we’d become friends and we’d talk about boys together. He even tries to set me up with his friends! Ha ha!

Anyway, life is funny. For better or worse, this is where it’s brought me. I’m glad that Rodney has become an unexpected friend. For all the mean things I’ve said about him, I felt I should say something nice.

Thanks, Rodney.

I wish I were somebody’s someone. Tonight I’m nobody’s anybody.

I hadn’t planned on dressing up, but I guess I am now. I am so bad at coming up with ideas for costumes too.

My thoughts so far:

- Something mysterious that hides my identity, but isn’t necessarily scary
- Something dark, and perhaps gothic (not a vampire though)
- A mask comes to mind, but nothing heavy

Eh, that’s all I have so far.

Oh, wait! What if I dressed up like a balloon made of foil? Hmmm…

No, lame.

I don’t know. Thoughts, ideas? You can tell me what you’re dressing as since chances are we won’t be at the same party.