One friend describes me as a rollercoaster. I’ll admit, I’ve done some pretty extreme things in the past 3 months. Those with a faint heart need not apply. But as crazy as I may seem at times, I always have the intention of moving forward. Despite all obstacles that may slow me down, I dust myself off and keep going.

The latest stop on this rollercoaster is the house Rodney and I owned. There have been many events leading up to this, but I’m happy to say that I’m now the proud owner of it. Rodney signed over full rights to me on the deed, so it is no longer our house… just mine.

We had originally moved out into our own rentals, and neither of us wanted anything to do with the house. But many things have unfolded since then, and everything aligned in my favor.

I’ve had very mixed emotions about taking on a house by myself. Not only is it a huge commitment, but it also overwhelms me with memories of the past. But when I weigh the pros and cons, I think it is a wise investment, and I’m going to do my best to make it work.

So I have devoted this weekend to moving back into the house, and I’ve ambitiously taken on the task of doing it all myself. I don’t want help from anyone, and that’s just the way it has to be.

On Monday, some professional movers will be stopping by to get the couch, washer and dryer, and bed. Other than that, it’s all me.

I’m so happy! I never thought that I’d be moving back into that house, but I’m glad I am.

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I guess men wear makeup now. Lots of men. In fact, when I first started dating again, it was something I immediately noticed. My boyfriends wore makeup.

To be fair, I do kind of like my men to be a bit girly. Yeah, I said it. You’ll find hundreds of personal ads out there that say “Straight-acting only, no femmes.” Well, fuck that. I like my men with a bit of swish to them. But I digress…

At first I didn’t think anything of the trend, but then I started analyzing it. If all these young, pretty 20-something boys were wearing makeup, maybe I needed to also. I don’t want to be the only guy left with a shiny forehead and gaping pores.

So I started with the obvious consultant… my Mom. She has been an Avon sales representative for over 3 decades now, and knows everything there is about being young and beautiful. Her first reaction was just what you’d expect from any Mom whose son wanted to wear makeup. But once she got past her judgmental fit, she agreed to help me out.

We decided to start with a line called MagiX. It’s a very light foundation/powder combination that is supposed to do the job without looking like you’re wearing anything. Sounds good to me. I obviously want it to look natural.

The first is a clear cream that is supposed to prevent shine for up to 10 hours. I had my doubts… 10 hours? I was blessed cursed with very oily skin. So 10 hours without shine would be a miracle in itself. By the end of the day, I look all shiny and flushed, like I just got done fucking someone. I call it my “sex glow.”

MagiX Face Perfector

This clear cream is called MagiX Face Perfector. Hmmm… Well, it didn’t look like my face was magically airbrushed, as the reviews had suggested. I don’t know what kind of trolls are writing this stuff, but it was not a life changing experience.

However, I will admit, the stuff did a decent job. My face did seem smoother, less shiny, and more “put together” after 4 or 5 hours of wear. It didn’t last 10 hours, but it was still good. I’d recommend it.

MagiX Tinted Face Perfector

Again, I don’t know what trolls are buying this stuff and claiming it’s the ultimate in makeup. It’s only tinted, which in theory makes it look more natural since it doesn’t cover the face as much as it just “blurs” it. Sounds good on paper and God knows women talk about it like they’ve never experienced makeup before.

I personally had a really bad experience. It was not smooth at all and looked completely artificial. I suppose a woman could have pulled it off, but I think all makeup should look like it isn’t there.

I’ve tried it several times, and have to wash it off each time. Damn… This was the one I really wanted to work out.

Too much…

I give up. This makeup stuff is too complicated. I guess I’ll just continue dating men who wear makeup, and they can look beautiful and fresh faced. I’ll just endure with my regular old skin.

I was a bit disappointed because my Mom wears Avon and always looks great. I’m inclined to think the problem is me, or I’m not doing something correctly. But I really don’t feel like trying any other makeup products.

Just for the sake of asking… Do any of you readers use makeup? If so, what products?

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On Sunday, I went to a family reunion on my Dad’s side, which I hadn’t done in… hmmm… 12 years. Eeek.

After a ridiculously humid week, the heat finally seemed to ease up and the temperature was perfect. I even got to have some fun in the pool. I don’t think I’ve been swimming in years.

The food was also great. I went back for seconds with the baked macaroni and cheese… yum. I had a good visit with everyone, but got a stern lecture from my uncle for not visiting more often. I know, I know… I’ll do better.

Before heading back to Tennessee, my Dad took my to Dairy Queen for some ice cream. This DQ was the real deal. Everything about it felt authentically 1950s. We sat in a corner and talked for an hour. A really nice time.

Monday evening was yet another great time. Nathan came over and we went for a very long walk by the river. We shared life stories and talked about all kinds of random stuff. We came across a path of rocks that you could step onto and go right out into a shallow area of water. The view was beautiful.

After our walk, I took him to a nearby Japanese restaurant that we’d wanted to try. The service was extremely slow, but that was fine with us because we were talking non-stop for 2 hours.

I’m really growing to appreciate the value of food and its effect on relationships. I grew up in a household where it wasn’t a big deal if we didn’t eat dinner as a family. My parents certainly made an effort, but it wasn’t a rule.

This behavior carried into my adult life, and my partners and I have often skipped meals together. Or sometimes, we’d each fix our own food and just go to opposite places in the house, completely ignoring each other.

I think that’s common in many modern relationships, but eating together has become an extremely important aspect in my relationship with Nathan. No matter how busy we are, we try to make time to get together at night and eat together. We always have really deep conversations, and share stories, share feelings… All kinds of good stuff. It is not uncommon for a meal to go cold because we’ve talked so much.

This is such a Southern post, isn’t it? Well, I do think there is some significant value to eating together. Food, family, and fun has definitely been a winning combination lately.

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Let me throw a topic out there, which I will elaborate on later.

In my own warped mind, I’ve convinced myself that vaginas talk and have their own inner dialogue, moods, and expressions. I really don’t know much about vaginas, other than they scare me and I try to avoid them at all costs. I’m afraid I’ll somehow trip and fall into one.

So there’s my thought of the day. I would like to explore this in more detail later. And this is not a new thing, by the way. I’ve thought about it for years and just never told anyone.

My apologies in advance to any vaginas (and their owners) that I may have offended. It’s not you, it’s me. Wait, actually… well it is you. But more specifically your vagina, which scares me.

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“I Carry Your Heart with Me”
by E.E. Cummings

I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
Anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling

I fear no fate
For you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world
For beautiful you are my world, my true
And it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
Higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
And this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

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He was right. Damn it. Why was he so good at reading my mind? And how did he become so talented at sensing what I was feeling?

It’s not easy to stare me down. In fact, nobody else can even keep eye contact with me. But he can. I noticed it the first night we met. He looked right into my soul in a way that makes most people uncomfortable. But not him. He just looks right inside and keeps smiling.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. We’ve only been together a short while, and I was already trying to block him. I’m self sabotaging in that way. When I feel too much and the emotions get too deep, it’s easier to hide them. Opening up is too scary.

“You’re right,” I confessed willingly. “I have been shutting you out. In fact, I locked up my heart the other day and I’ve been building armor around it ever since. I just can’t stand the thought of letting you in.”

“But what if I’m the love of your life?” he asked me without a moment’s hesitation.

Oh, now he went and did it. Cut me right to the bone. Hit me in a soft spot that unleashed a flood inside. He asked the one question I’ve been waiting for every man to ask. Love on my life. I’ve always wanted to meet that person.

One small tear surfaced in my eye, which I dutifully wiped away in a pathetic effort to hide any proof that I’m human. But it was too late and he saw me being vulnerable.

I covered my eyes with my hands and said, “You want to hear about the love of my life? Fine. I’ll tell you about the love of my life. I was 16-years-old. His name was Jake. I loved him with all my heart. I was completely open and honest with him. I trusted him, I told him everything, and I did so with such innocence. What can I say? I was young. I had no reason to not let him in. It’s nice to be young and naive in that way.”

“One night in June, much like this one, Jake raped me. He took something away from me that I have never gotten back. The next day, he left town and I never saw him again. I never got to say goodbye. And I’ve been leaving men ever since. David, Dennis, Rodney, Brandon… I left them all, but I had good reason with Rodney.”

“Jake was the love of my life. He is the one I’ve measured every man against, and no man has ever lived up. Nobody else has ever been good enough. I know that sounds crazy after what he did to me.”

“No,” he said. “It doesn’t sound crazy. In fact, it’s probably the most sane thing you’ve ever said. What he did to you doesn’t change the love you felt for him. That was real.”

Then he walked over to me and hugged me tightly, pressing our bodies completely together until I could feel his heartbeat echoing through me. I took a deep inhale and let the sweet smell of his body fill my head. It was a long hug that felt like it went on for hours.

We finally pulled apart and he looked into my eyes, then kissed me with soft lips that made me melt, despite my efforts to keep my guard up.

Is Nathan the love of my life? It’s too soon to tell. I feel like there has been so much drama in such a short time, but most of it is my fault. I feel like I’m going to tear this all apart, just to prove that I’m somehow destined to be alone.

He certainly has soulmate potential. Nathan’s ability to know and understand me is uncanny. That has to count for something. It also doesn’t hurt that we have such a great time together… oh, and of course it is unusual that we have the same name. Talk about signs and symbolism.

Anyway, after our deep and revealing conversation, we went upstairs to go to bed, and he took this photo of us. Nathan says I live in a black and white world and refuse to see any grey. He’s right, by the way. Appropriately enough, he converted this photo to black and white before he gave it to me.

Nathan & Nathan

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But it does bother me, especially around the summer time. I’ve tried many types of store bought tanners, many of which people rave about, but none of them work on me. They are either streaky, or too orange, and I just don’t care for them at all. I think I’m just so white that they don’t even have any pigment to work with.

Anyway, tonight I finally took the plunge and signed up for VersaSpa treatments. Apparently it’s one of the most popular spray on tanning options. The price for my sessions was a bit high, but I knew they would be. I agreed to a 6 month commitment, which brought the price down a lot. Plus, I also get unlimited regular tanning too.

An employee gave me a brief run-down of the way to do it, and it seemed pretty straight forward to me. There was an instructional poster on the wall to answer all the specific questions, which helps make sure I do absolutely everything right. But did I bother to read it? No, of course not. I just stripped down and hopped in. (Well, I waited until the employee left the room first, of course.)

Hmmm… Apparently when you put the cap over your hair, there are very specific instructions that say to let a little bit of your hairline show. I did not do this. Instead, I pulled the cap over my hair and covered a tiny bit of my forehead too. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions about how it turned out.

Laugh if you want. The rest of my body is looking hottt.

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I went to Kroger to buy some condoms, thinking I could just grab a box and go through self-checkout. I’m not necessarily embarrassed to buy them, but I do prefer discretion. I usually just buy them online… but the details don’t matter… the point is, at this particular time, I was choosing to buy them in person.

So I went to the Kroger nearby, and was very annoyed to find them locked up in a glass case in the middle of the fucking deli! What a convenient place to put the condoms. Are they going out of their way to make it difficult for shy men to buy proper protection?

I didn’t really feel like finding someone to “let me in” to the case like some child, so I just walked out and went to another Kroger nearby.

Again, same damn scenario. I actually watched a man and woman go up to the case, see that it was locked, and walk away. Proof that people actually are discouraged from buying the condoms due to the way they are locked up. I can only hope this couple went somewhere else to get condoms and didn’t do anything careless that evening.

But I digress… I walked up to a female employee and told her I would like her to unlock the condoms case. She was much younger than I am, and visibly embarrassed and uncomfortable. She told me she didn’t have a key, so I had to walk with her through the store and up to the customer service desk, where she told another young female employee that she needed a key for the condom case. At this point, the other employee looked at me, and she didn’t know what to do. So she told the employee helping me to go ask a manager.

Fine. So I stood patiently at the desk, now feeling judged and as if I’m somehow “wrong” for buying condoms. Clearly these employees have not been trained on how to deal with this, and that’s very disappointing.

Finally, the employee re-emerged with her key, and then we had to do the same awkward walk back through the store, over to the condoms. She unlocked the door and hurried away, thankfully not sticking around to monitor what I chose.

I made my selection and then went through self checkout.

Anyway, I’d just like to say a great big FUCK YOU Kroger. There is absolutely no logical reason to made it so damn difficult to buy condoms.

Who are you protecting? Minors? If so, you should be glad that a minor has enough sense to go buy condoms. Thieves? If so, you should be so thankful that people are stealing condoms because at least they’re being responsible with their sex life.

This is ridiculous, and I’m wondering if this is a policy at all Kroger locations?

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Well, let me give you some background info…

This townhome I rented is located on the Stones River in Tennessee. Ever heard of the Stones River? If you haven’t, it was the site of the bloodiest battle in Civil War history! 23,515 people were killed here. Yep, in my own backyard, dead bodies were piled up during the Battle of Stones River.

It’s extremely plausible that my home was built right over a spot where someone died. Spooky.

Another oddity is that sometimes I lose phone calls. Again, it’s while I’m standing in this same room where I always hear noises. The signal strength is extremely high on my phone, and there is no logical reason to lose the call. I never had problems like that until I moved in here. Oh, and when that happens, I can’t call out either. Perhaps a ghost is blocking my path. I politely ask him or her to move, and things seem to be resolved.

I’ve just accepted that I probably have a friendly ghost here. I assume they’re friendly. Why wouldn’t they be? I always expect people to be friendly to me. I’m idealistic in that way.

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A seemingly innocent question has stirred some very heavy and passionate responses. It’s clear that no matter how you feel about it, you probably feel strongly.

People who identify as bisexual are undeniably a minority within a minority community. Gay men are afraid to date them because they fear they could never truly satisfy that person’s sexual needs. Straight women are afraid to date them for the same reasons, as well as an underlying fear that the man is secretly gay and just hasn’t come to terms with it yet.

This leaves bisexuals in a particularly tough spot, almost to the point of having to only date bisexuals… which is about as cruel as the days white people were told to only date within their own race. It’s tough, I agree. But there isn’t an easy answer.

As it was stated in the comments, some people are comfortable with dating someone who is bisexual, and it’s no problem. But I have found that, with life in general, many gay men are not very enthusiastic about getting involved with a bisexual man. There’s even an unspoken type of bitterness within our community. Many gay people feel that they have done all the heavy lifting to fight for equality, while a bisexual man can just hop over the fence and marry a woman. Please don’t kill the messenger — I’m just saying it’s what many gay people feel.

I suppose there is no real resolution to this topic. Some people are open to it while others are not. I guess we all just have to date in ways that are most comfortable for us.

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I have to say that in a very short time, he has made me feel very happy in a completely new way. I know that all humans have a certain energy to them. There are countless books and theories on the internal energy we put out into the world.

When we met, there was something uncanny that shifted in me, something that affected my own energy, and it seemed to somehow align with his energy. The easiest way I know to describe it is finding a missing piece in a puzzle, and then once that piece is there, the whole beautiful picture comes into view.

Now that I’ve met him, I see this incredibly clear picture of my life in front of me. I feel ready to face each day, and ready for all that life has to bring me. Colors, tastes, smells, sounds… all of the things in the world are fresh and new to me.

He brings out the very best in me, and that makes me want to be the very best in return. I find myself being extra attentive to him and his needs. I find myself being romantic and thoughtful, planning new and exciting ways to surprise him. I don’t think I was a bad lover to begin with. I’ve always been pretty romantic. But it’s just different with him. I try to do things that you only hear about in fairy tales. I do my best to sweep him off his feet.

I am, by nature, a bit fiery… A bit over the top, a bit unsettled… Okay, and I’ll admit, I’m just a little bit crazy. I’d like to think it’s part of my quirky charm.

This man calms me. It isn’t that I’ve lost my passion or individuality. It’s just that I find myself channeling all of my energy in a more stable, more peaceful way. Perhaps I was like this lost bird, flapping my wings continuously as I flew through life, trying to find my way home. I think I’ve finally found my nest, and with him, I feel like I always know where I should be. Even if I decide to go out for a little flight, exploring the world, I feel confident that I can count on my nest to still be there. In fact, I feel like he’ll go flying with me, and everything will be just fine.

He doesn’t know about this blog yet. He will eventually. I just kind of feel like this blog is an unfair advantage. A person can go back and read archives of the past 4 years of my life. It lets them bypass the process of getting to know me on their own. I don’t want it to be that way. I want him to know me for who I really am, and not read the cliff notes.

He does know a blog exists, however. He is respectful and considerate of my privacy, which I enjoy.

Oh, and one closing note… his name is Nathan. I’m not sure exactly how this will work when I wrote posts about him. Perhaps I can nickname him something. But we are Nathan and Nathan. I quite enjoy the look of surprise when we are introduced together!

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When he failed to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act and Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, a quiet storm started. Some were critical, while others were quick to defend President Obama, pointing out that he had a lot to deal with in his first term. Most of us were rational, patient, and willing to give him more time.

But the most damning example to date has been silence. When it came down to Prop 8 last week, the President didn’t seem to have anything to say. Nothing to say, huh?

Perhaps it is all part of a larger, behind-the-scenes plan that Obama is cooking up. But I’m beginning to have my doubts. He has promised transparency time and time again. If he has serious intentions about helping LGBT Americans, he needs to do or say something, anything to calm our jitters.

This article on Yahoo! points out that 40% of Americans now favor gay marriage. Not civil unions, we’re talking the real deal. Marriage. Even crazy Dick Cheney said recently that he supports gay marriage. Wow.

In a quickly evolving society, President Obama is suddenly becoming the one who has lost touch with reality and has outdated ideas. My fear is that he’ll re-emerge with a new campaign promise for us in 2012. I just hope it doesn’t come down to that.

I haven’t turned my back yet. I realize it’s a hard job being President, and his term is still very new. So I guess I’m having faith in him, as I promised I would.

What are your thoughts on President Obama? Is he still a friend to our community, or has he alienated us?

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The follow-up article, Why do people cheat?, has received similarly toned comments.

I have to admit, I’ve become a bit skeptical, after having been with someone 8 years, only to find out he was cheating on me. I truly thought we were the invincible power couple. But I guess not…

I do kind of see the point about a man’s animal instincts. But having said that, there are many instincts we must keep under control as part of a civilized society. For example, when an animal is threatened, he will violently attack (and maybe even kill) the enemy. As humans, we cannot attack and kill others.

I do understand that it’s natural to have attraction to other people. I can be in a committed relationship, but still find another man attractive. That doesn’t mean I have to act on it, even if that does trigger my own natural instincts.

Cheating hurts others, sabotages relationships, and sometimes even ruins lives. We can’t just turn a blind eye, saying we’re animals and we can’t help it. That’s lazy, irresponsible, and immature. When you make a commitment to someone, you should honor it. That’s something humans can do, which animals cannot.

Having said all that, I do think there are some big misconceptions about why people cheat. I’ve read study after study that suggests it’s for emotional reasons, not sexual. Well, nothing is 100%, of course. But I’m saying many people do it because of an emotional disconnect in their current relationship.

So how do you prevent it? Communication.

I feel that communication is such an often overlooked trait in relationships. As long as the door is open to communication, a couple can work through any problem before it escalates. But as humans, we are also flawed, as we are sometimes unable to communicate effectively.

I don’t really have a solution to wrap this post up with. I just wanted to get on my soap box and talk about it a little. I do feel, very strongly in fact, that we can’t just call ourselves animals and use that as our reasoning. We are a step above the rest of the animal kingdom, and we have to deal with the responsibilities that come with it.

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In this moment of spontaneous affection, I had not paid much attention to my surroundings. But later, I looked above the doorway where I kissed him and noticed a decorative wall sign that said:

It’s never too late to live happily ever after.

How fitting. Well, I have a very good feeling about this one. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA

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I felt an incredible amount of peace and happiness in my heart. Everything is coming together in my life, better and more amazing than I could ever have have imagined. Something wonderful and amazing is happening, and my eyes are wide open to see it for all it is. I am appreciative and grateful, and ready without resistance.

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—

I wouldn’t trade our time together for anything in the world. You taught me to love again, gave me faith that there could be another man to match my emotional depth, understand my need for old-fashioned romance and values, and share my appreciation for all things classic and beautiful.

The stars definitely aligned when we met, and I feel that in many ways, the short time we had together was more special and equivalent to what other people take years to build.

I am grateful to you in ways you will never even know. Once I fall in love, it is for life, so I will always love you. You will always have a place in my heart, Brandon.

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I won’t be discussing Brandon for awhile because we’re working out some transitional stuff. It’s complicated and hard to explain in a condensed way. You’d have to know more about his own situation in order to fully understand.

But Brandon and I are working together on some things, and I guess that’s the most important part.

In the mean time, I’m going to go ahead and try to write about other things.

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These are my feet on a rock. We were frolicking in the river behind my apartment (yes, frolicking) and Brandon took a snapshot. It was a beautiful day. More people should frolic in the water. The world would be a happier place.

Next, this is our feet on the couch. Brandon thought it was cute for our feet to be wrapped up together, so he took a picture. Typical Sunday afternoon.

This is just a bonus shot because I love it. Brandon’s wearing his cute retro underwear, playing Super Mario on the Nintendo, and I love the puppy dog look on his face. He’s saying, “Why did you spit fireballs at me, Bowser? Why?”

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