This is one of those days.

If you didn’t come to The Bowler Debates last week (and you may have missed them because I never mentioned them on my own blog for fear of seeming too pushy), then all is not lost. A reviewer came, and made notes, and wrote those notes up afterwards into this lovely review. Thank you, Kat Pope.

The structure of this new show is simple but works perfectly… While it’s difficult to tell how much of the show is scripted and how much off the cuff, it doesn’t really matter as this is genuinely funny stuff… Tapley is always nicely in control of his character and material, but can’t quite hide a smile when he knows he’s nailed it, which is a good 80% of the time – not a bad comedy hit rate at all…  It’s a shocker, but then you’ll just have to go to see this marvellous hour of comedy to find out exactly what did happen between the two old chums.

Yeah. 80%. Boom!

Also, on Sunday The Revolution Will Be Televised – on which I wrote – won a BAFTA. No, I have no idea whether or not this means I can call myself a “BAFTA-winning writer” but, until I am absolutely and explicitly told not to, I intend to heavily imply it in all conversations.

So, that was my week. How was yours?

Sir Ian Bowler has been feeling conflicted this week…

Sir Ian discusses the passing of the Iron Lady, and a particularly large stool…

Sir Ian uses his normal accent to answer your questions.

Yesterday, he made his reappearance. Reports of his death had been greatly exaggerated. Mainly because I greatly exaggerated them to see what would happen.

(Answer: nothing.)

Because we were talking to various people about doing various things with him, and because I was doing a panto, Sir Ian went necessarily quiet for a few months. However, he’s now back, answering questions once a week, and preparing for his big show.

Bowler, however, is a high-maintenance character. Most of what he talks about is topical, so his material dates very quickly. Nowadays, almost no one wants to hear his five-minute routine on the Alternative Vote system. But in mid-2011 it was ALL THE RAGE. By which I mean: A BIT OF THE RAGE.

So, he’s going to take some time off commenting on the world of the news, and concentrate on answering your questions. And if anyone wants to produce the web series in which I try to kill him, call me…

Which is where Melmoth comes in.

Melmoth Darkleigh is a character I created as the host of the *cough* award-winning *cough* In The Gloaming podcasts. When all of the other performers dropped out of the In The Gloaming Live! show at the Arundel Festival because they had ‘work’, it became Melmoth’s one-man show, in which he channeled the ghosts that haunted the venue.

Essentially, it was an excuse to exhume every character monologue I had, put them together, and drink a bottle of wine while I performed them.

The next year, I did an updated version of the show at the Brighton Festival, which included a few magic tricks I’d invented to sell the idea of a ‘haunting’. I was particularly proud of the ‘haunted Boggle’ in which, unable to get a ouija board, Melmoth got a Boggle to describe the ways in which people would die. (Dear Derren Brown, LET’S TALK…)

Before Christmas, I did a lot of work on mind reading for something I was working on, and that’s when it slotted into place. Melmoth should be able to read minds.

Rather than just being a cheap excuse for a parade of character comedy, Melmoth should be a cheap excuse for a parade of character comedy and a few bits of mental magic thrown in. There should be a real spooky seance with inexplicable things, lots of dark Melmoth humour, and a few characters haunting the place.

And thus Melmoth Darkleigh, Mind F*cker! was born. (The title is provisional)

And made his first appearance at Comedy At The Cottage’s Comic Relief special a couple of weeks ago. It’s still quite newborn, pink, and tender, but I’ll throw it out to you anyway. Here’s the first taste of Melmoth Darkleigh, Mind F*cker!

Sir Ian Bowler returns to the Internet, and will now answer your questions once a week. Talk to him!

English: Still from the silent short film The Night Before Christmas, 1905 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, the BFI has taken a breather from compiling informational corporate safety films from the 1950s to try to work out what makes a good Christmas film. And, in so doing, have revealed that they know nothing about what makes a good Christmas film.

There are lots of things one does at Christmas that one doesn’t do at other times of the year, but watching White Christmas isn’t one of them. There is never a good time to do that.

Christmas is a time for giving. Parents beam as tousle-headed moppets tear open presents with squeals of delight. Either that or they slump in an easy chair, paper hat drifting over an ear, Christmas scotch clutched tight, detailing at length the cost of each item unwrapped and how you weren’t worth it, none of you were worth it; he didn’t have to stay here, he had options, he could have been a musician if it weren’t for you lot; he’d been in a band, and they were good, really good, someone from London, from a record label, said they’d come to see them once, they could have been huge, but he gave it all up to look after us kids, and did we appreciate it? Did we? He’d abandoned his dreams for an Our Price voucher, and a mug saying ‘World’s Best Dad’, well who’d the fucking mug now, eh? Eh? Who’s the fucking mug now? I’m going to bed.

I always preferred Easter.

Anyway, without further ado, here are my top ten Christmas films. Ones you can watch without wanting to kill yourself or your fellow man. In reverse order…

1. Scrooged (1988) – Okay, it’s by far the worst thing on this list, but I had to get Bill Murray in somewhere, and Ghostbusters II is not a Christmas film. It’s a New Year film. Yes, it is. Oh, shut up.
2. The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) – Rewatch it. You’ll be surprised by how many good bits are in it. I promise. It’s not as bad as you remember. Either that or action films have become incomparably worse, so, by today’s standards it stands up.
3. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989) – A wonderful look at how our struggle to create the perfect Christmas we remember from childhood can destroy our current Christmases. Includes exploding tree, yuppie torment, and a full shitter.
4. A Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) – This would be higher if it weren’t for the dreadful songs. Still, one you can watch with the children. “Quiet down back there, you melons.”
5. Twelve Monkeys (1995) – “The Freedom For Animals Association on Second Avenue is the secret headquarters of the Army of the 12 Monkeys. They’re the ones who are going to do it. I can’t do anymore, I have to go now. Have a Merry Christmas!”
6. Home Alone (1990) – Another one you can watch with the kids, as long as you don’t mind them watching burning, scalding, piercing, and the acting of Daniel Stern.
7. Batman Returns (1992) – From the moment Peewee Herman drops Danny deVito into a sewer, it’s a Christmas miracle. And it allowed me to get Tim Burton onto the list without including The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is a Hallowe’en film. Maybe.
8. Rare Exports (2010) – It’s about a race of evil Santas. It’s awesome. You must watch it this Christmas and every Christmas.
9. Gremlins (1984) – Nothing fills me more with the Christmas spirit than seeing a demented, homicidal creature get exploded in a microwave.
10. Die Hard (1988) – It had to be. It was a close-run things with Gremlins, but it’s practically perfect in every way.

So, those are mine, what are yours?

(This is the point where people notice that I’ve missed something like Alien or Jaws or Mouse Hunt being set at Christmas, and I have to rewrite the whole thing…)

Related articles

• Top Twenty Classic Holiday Season Christmas Films (contactmusic.com)
• Our Top 10 List of Christmas Movies to Watch this Year (personalcreations.com)
• Weekly Top Five: Ho-ho-ho horror films (chicagoreader.com)

Sir Ian Bowler gives the Coalition response to the publication of the Leveson report.