NATIONAL BUFFOON

Clueless Candidates Claim Climate Caused Capitalism Clown Crash

2008-10-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

Good evening ladies and germs, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, We interrupt our regularly scheduled programing for this special breaking news report. Apparently the U.S. economy is in the toilet.
It seems borrowing money from China to buy cheap unsafe Chinese goods and Saudi oil has not been as profitable as promised. Whoop Whoop Whoop! I coulda' told you that Moe! (Boink!)
Why I oughta....

Mild mannered capitalist by day, Secretary of the Treasury Paulson steps into a nearby phone booth and becomes... "Socialist Man!" America's new contemporary economic superhero!

The President Addresses the nation.
"Er, uh, well heh, heh, it seems lak dem communists were
sorta raght, ceptin' they wuz doin' it all backwards.
Dey wuz nationalizin' duh profits which is bad. Were a gonna nationalize losses which is duh 'merican thing ta doo!"

Sympathetic taxpayers react to the news

The nations top economic minds react swiftly.
Senator Larry Craig calls for emergency sessions to handle the emerging challenge.

A Bush Top Economic Adviser Speaks to Public Concern...

"Hi dare taxpayers, I'm in charge of you all bailin' out dem swindlers and con men.
Y'all bend over now an' squeal lak Sarah Palin."
"Heh, heh, heh"

RFE & Tehranchik are fighting the forces of corporatism and oligarchy!

"Heh, the upside to all this is it's cheaper to burn your dollars for heat this winter than oil, gas or even logs! So toss those greenbacks in your woodstoves folks!

ECONOMIC TERMS EXPLAINED

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing investors to mistake themselves for financial geniuses.
BEAR MARKET -- Where you go to buy bears.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What your investments make you.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYSTS -- Idiots who downgrade your stock.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A person whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a loony bin.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

With all the turmoil in the market today - the collapse of Lehman Bros and acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, etc. we can expect further consolidations and mergers. 9 new mergers were announced today alone!

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers wil l become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW

9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

THE CANDIDATES BLAME WEATHER FOR ECONOMIC FAILURE
Campaign spokesmen for McCain, Obama, RadioFreeEuropa-Tehranchik, Bob Barr, Cynthia Ann McKinney, Ralph Nader, and Charles O. Baldwin have issued a joint statement placing the blame for the current economic crisis on unregulated cirrus clouds and their effect on marijuana crops domestically and abroad. Though the candidates differ on solutions to the problem.

RFE-TC have issued a policy statement that they would in fact do away with the Fed altogether
and return to the Gold standard (Cuervo and Acapulco). Their GRASSroots organization has been conducting field research in Columbia, Hawaii, Jamaica and their basements since the earliest BUDding days of the Campaign. Tehranchik said in an interview on CNBC earlier this week "Under a regulated UV lamp of RFE-TC stimulus, our economy will MUSHROOM!"
RFE meanwhile issued a press release calling for drastically increasing the GNP (Grass National Product) eliminating the trade imbalance. "Don't underestimate American ingenuity, we the people can smoke the competition!" he implored.

"Our policy just makes SENS...." he further added that farm subsidies would need to be increased to stabilize the market after many years of over regulation which drove prices up artificially. The AP is reporting that poles taken from barbershops indicate RFE-TC's appointment of Tommy Chong to head the ATF has been favorably received by 80% of the public. (Of course 73% of all statistics are just made up.)

Palin's Version Of The Last Supper

The Other Candidates Weigh In As Well

GOP Flips Bird At America

McCain and Bush announce their new energy plan.
Burn wildlife fouled from oil spills!
"We'll sell 'em to ya cheap" said Palin at a rally of
insane uneducated racists. "N' they are renewable!...at least fer a while."

"Our administration will be made up entirely of fictional characters to match the entirely fictional policies we propose."

Don't forget to vote folks!

National Buffoon Campaign Update

2008-09-19T10:54:00.000-07:00

ELECTION NEWS

McCain Inexplicably beat himself senseless today at a GOP rally

Assimilated Press,Wankerville,Texas- Today, John McCain, standing before a crowd of some of the nations leading imbeciles accused Washington insiders and lobbyists of being responsible for the nation's financial woes. He then proceeded to beat himself to pulp for being a Washington insider and surrounding himself with a team of lobbyists. The local Fire Marshall said the hall held 500 people but the McCain Campaign estimated the crowd to be 50 gazillion.

Before being escorted out by "fine young men in their clean white coats" McCain poked Carly Fiorina in the eyeball. "That's for saying I couldn't deflate the value of HP by 60% like you did Carly" said McCain.
"I got mine!" Carly cried while clinging to her golden parachute.

The supporters at the McCain rally cheered and lit their crosses.
Yipee! Hoot! Hoot! Now I'm going home to cut and paste Hannity and Limbaugh BS on the internets.

Palin Flips Justice The Bird
Palin refuses to co operate with independent investigators
regarding Trooper-Gate.
"Up yours America!"

Having been coached by Bush operatives running the McCain Campaign
Palin and her "first dude" defied subpoenas to testify in the bipartisan Trooper-gate investigation. (So that is what VPs do!)
How long before she starts shooting people in the face?
Cheney claimed that the Vice President was a separate 4th branch of government-
that it was autonomous and immune from justice dept. scrutiny.
Now with special GOP trainin' we are expected to believe candidates for that office and their spouses are immune as well? Seems like a stretch, but unlike the supply of oil, the gullibility of an appreciable number of Americans is limitless.

THE ECONOMY
WTF?

Obama and Biden watched in disbelief as McCain
inserted his foot in his mouth over and over again.
They spent the bulk of the week responding to claims by the McCain Campaign that they are lesbian communist mutants from a moon of an undiscovered planet named
Muslimia that orbits McCain's ass (which is where he pulls most everything he says out of). The Obama campaign was uncertain how to respond to McCain's latest smear ad that claims Biden and Obama are really the Republicans and that McCain and Palin are not really insane.

Despite their false claims of deathly fear of socialism,
the GOP cheered as Bush socialized the banking system.
Resisting common sense simple regulations of any kind for many years, the "deregulatin' " GOP successfully allowed their greed mad donors to run amok on Wall Street creating a complete meltdown. They then basically nationalized the banking system to cover the "reckless bets" of corporate lackeys at the expense of trillions of dollars from the U.S. treasury. Now Americans can use their currency for toilet paper and actually save money, as toilet paper is now far more valuable.

RFE and Tehranchik's Flag pins are still the biggest!

Meanwhile Tehranchik was kidnapped by a giant monkey from the RFE/Tehranchik campaign central offices in an attempt to thwart democracy.

The day was saved by RFE when he was able to rescue Tehranchik from the clutches of the GOP. Both of candidates have spent the last week continuing to fight the brain eating zombies that are being created by McCain and Palin.

Remember folks, only brain eating zombies vote for McCain!RFE and Tehranchik-The only candidates that keep you
safe and secure from Brain eating Zombies.

GOPLAND
After destroying the middle class, Main street, Wall street, (basically everything but a few mansions on Easy street). The GOP set their sites on turning the country into a theme park.
That's right, the USA is now officially a third rate cheesy amusement park for the entertainment of the few who can afford admission.
Welcome to GOPLAND folks!
Let's have a look at some of the featured rides.

Rollercoaster thrills abound with the worlds biggest steepest drop designed by the top GOP engineers.

Enter if you dare!
The scariest ride in the park.
(Riders may get more than a little wet in the waterboarding section.)
Separate admission is charged for Cheney's Dark ride. The fee must be deposited in a blind trust in an offshore tax dodging account.

Hell of a ride, Brownie.
The GOPLAND's version of the venerable Log Flume
is now open.
Ride attendants have been trained to entirely ignore drowning riders.

McCain's "Wizard Of Asinine"
3D Experience

The ride is identical to Bush's "Wizard Of Crap" located in the adjacent theater.

GOPLAND's
Butt Pirates Of the Caribbean
Sometimes called Mr. Craig's Wild Ride
The lines are often long for this ride,
it's very popular among GOP Senators and councilmen alike!

For lighter entertainment be sure to visit:
The Arcane Arcade
Good old fashioned GOP (Manson) Family Values games to play.

For The Kids
C'mon over to Mr. Veepee's White House Puppet Theater.
It's a laugh a minute.
In a modern retelling of the Pinnochio story, a wooden headed puppet
becomes animated when appointed president.

Ride The
GOPLAND Merry Go Round.

If your not getting enough spin from Mainstream media,
hop your butt up on one of these nice liitle hobby horses.
The GOP loves Kids! Ask Foley. or any of these clowns.

The KKKiddie Ferris Wheel
This ride only spins to the right.

The Main Attraction
Hop onboard the "Terrist Express" for thrills and chills
unlike anything you've ever seen before.
This is the ride that has voters coming back time and time again.
There is nothing like it!

You can be sure there will be some new features added to this popular attraction soon. Nothing distracts voters attention from issues like the nation becoming a 3rd world toilet quite like a good old sabre rattlin'!

Don't forget to bring the kids to the snack bar!
Lots o' tasty treats for everyone!
The snack bar is sponsored by Home Depot.

Remember folks-

Your Ad Here

It's The Stupid Economy!

2008-09-16T01:40:00.000-07:00

The Stock Market dropped over 500 points.
McCain's response?
The economy is "fundamentally sound"!
The same infamous phrase Herbert Hoover used
reacting to to the historic crash of 1929.

The economy is stupid!
One need not be a Wall Street wizard
or hold a PHD in economics
to understand that some things have intrinsic value
and some things don't.
Aside from the obvious shenanigans in the mortgage industry,
the idea that the fox must be trusted to guard the chicken coop
is plain wrong.

American's reduced to standing in soup lines to survive in the 1930s

History has a nasty habit of repeating itself when people ignore it's lessons.
What caused the great depression?
In the 1920's a stock market boom-bubble in the U.S. was powered by generic optimism. The The businessmen and economists were convinced that the invention of the Federal Reserve would stabilize and guide the economy, that expanding markets were guaranteed. People, by and large
felt their standard of living was safe or would improve.
In 1928 and 1929 speculators were creating artificial bubbles
in the Stock Market, driving prices up.
(sound familiar?)
The Federal Reserve raised interest rates in an effort to curb speculation.
This caused the initial recession.

Workers stood idle because firms would not hire them.
Firms would not hire workers because there was no market for their goods.
There was no market for goods because workers had no incomes to spend.
Workers had no income because they had no jobs....
on and on....

At some point,
in the US, an uncomfortable unspoken agreement was struck.
Business recognized that unless there was a healthy middle class,
no one would be buying their goods.
This bargain has been breached in recent years.
The US workers were tossed aside
in favor of inexpensive labor elsewhere.
Public and environmental safeguards
have been avoided by manufacturing in nations that have no such laws.
When the lack of laws protecting consumers becomes evident-
as in tainted pet food, poison infant formula, lead paint on children's toys,
firms wring their hands of responsibility and blame
the workers in those countries whom they are exploiting.
What Americans need to understand is that
despite the short lived profits from cheap labor and shoddy goods,
the future is being sold at a cut rate price.
The idea is to take 95% of Americans
who we call the middle class,
and reduce their standard of living to match the 3rd world.
Only a very few benefit from that,
and only very temporarily.

The American middle class shares the same fate as the polar bear.

McCain admitted he knows nothing about economic matters.
The fellow he appointed to write his economic policy
was Phil Graham - one of those most directly responsible
for the current meltdown on Wall Street.
(the same miscreant elitist
who said America's middle class were a bunch of whiners)
BTW, if McCain by his own admission knows nothing about economics,
why was he on the commerce committee?
Even if he knew nothing before that, didn't he pay any attention while he
"served" on that committee?

Believing the very politicians who fought for the conditions that caused the economy to fail
are going to fix it is simply insane.

"The future will be better tomorrow." -George W. Bush
I think, for once, I agree with him.

DEMOCRACY INACTION - The Presidential Debate

2008-09-07T17:18:00.000-07:00

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
RETURNING SOON!

Ladies and gentlemen, the stakes couldn't be higher and the choices couldn't be clearer.
With international relations strained, the middle class shrinking, the solvency of banks
highly questionable, jobless rates climbing, a stock market unstable at best,
blatant corruption running amuck, a berserk cabal of donors and cronies
appointed to offices they have no qualifications for,
the gross incompetence of government demonstrated
at all levels, a climate crisis,
an energy crisis, an antiquated crumbling infrastructure,
the very foundation of government itself-the U.S. constitution
being undermined by those sworn to protect and serve it.
Let alone the fact that the next president will inherit
the task of resolving an unpopular occupation,
the continuously shifting rationale for which;
has no justification.

The debates are brought to you tonight by:
And
America's Future
(And we are for bringing back 18th century dentistry too!)

This is the most anticipated political debate since 3:00 eastern standard time.
And the candidates want their positions on these burning issues clear!
(Candidates have shown up for the free cocktails and hors d'vours.)
So without further delay let's meet the candidates!

Senators Barack Obama and Joseph Biden!

Hello and thank you for this opportunity to share ideas. I learned as a child growing up in different places with people who had differing ideas that we share certain aspirations regardless of differences. This is the driving force that has animated my political journey. Amid the partisanship and bickering of today's public debate, I still believe in the ability to unite people around a politics of purpose - a politics that puts solving the challenges of everyday Americans ahead of partisan calculation and political gain. Joe and I believe strongly that the middle class has taken the brunt of the storm and must now be top priority in any economic discussion. We welcome this discussion and look forward to sharing our views on policy with each of you. Thank you for having us.

Next, here is John McCain and his Vice President....
(From behind the curtains)-Psst, Psst, get out of the picture!
Get baacckk, no one's supposed to see you!
Oops.
Er, um, ladies and gentlemen...
John McCain and his running mate...

John, didn't you get Rove's memo?

Er, well then,
here's John McCain and his running mate... Sarah Who?

Heh ,Heh, Heh, turn that dagburn camera off!
We got some important "organizin' " to do.
Hey wots your name , wanna see my etchings? Heh, Heh, Heh,

And of course, welcome the internet front runners!
Tehranchik and Radio Free Europa!

Our flag pins are enormous!
(deafening applause!)

Our moderator this evening
is National Buffoon Washington Correspondent
Dick Wood.
(applause)
Good evening and I'm honored to welcome
our studio audience, our distinguished candidates,
and indeed everyone watching at home
or listening to these hysterical debates
on this moronic occasion.
And I don't want any guff outa any of you mugs!

Earlier tonight we asked each candidate to polish off a bottle of Mezcal .
The first to do so, including the worm of course;
would go first in tonight's debate.
Our 1st question this evening goes to
Radio Free Europa,
who guzzled the liter in just under 3 minutes.
Which may be incidentally a new world record.

Tell us RFE, what do you think most qualifies you to lead this nation?

RFE:
My co-president and I have been fighting the forces of corporatism, oligarchy, fascism and war profiteering for many years, and in today's unstable world the capability to drink the other world leaders under the table is of the utmost importance.
How else will we regain respect around the globe?
America simply cannot allow other countries deceptions of mass consumption.
In nations that don't allow alcohol,
we are equally adept at whichever substance the locals choose to consume
and if not, we have experts that can step in on day 1.
In fact we have discovered the secret of the time space continuum.
In our leisure moments, you see;
we constructed a device that allows us to travel into the future.
My fellow humans, we are the ONLY candidates
who will be ready before day 1!
(cheers, applause)

Thanks to their time traveling contraption,
RFE and Tehranchick are already waiting for the rest of us
on day one at the White House!

Dick Wood- A very convincing argument, of course Tehranchik virtually tied RFE in the Mezcal consumption test. Now who's next? So let's see it looks like...Joe Biden! Joe has finished the Mescal and eaten the worm. Let's see that's just under 2 hours, not bad...not bad at all chum. So my question for you is
Do you now, or have you ever believed in Sasquatch?

Dick Wood- No, that is the question viewers around the country are asking.
Does Joe Biden believe in Sasquatch?

Joe Biden- Well I can't say I have ever seen him, but maybe he's that fellow who keeps sending out e-mails claiming all kinds of nasty untruths about my running mate. Or is that Lieberman? It sure isn't Olberman, I don't think it's pokemon. Was John the Egg-man? Hey you got any more of this stuff? Now that Dick Morris fellow, you know, I have seen him go after beef jerky like those commercials. Hmmm. He may be Sasquatch... anyway I do know how many houses I own (one)
and you won't need to get back to my staff on that!
(chuckle)

Dick Wood- Very good Senator. Let's see, looks like Governor Palin has also finished her bottle. My question for Palin is:
what would you do to improve America's image in the world?

Uh, I would turn America into a gated community.

Dick Wood- How so Governor?

Palin- I would remodel it many times of course,
but just like I did back in my home state,
I'd bring all kinds of "gates" to the VP office
if someone tells me where it is and what you do there.

1) GermanInvasionGate
2) WaterbreakGate
3) AdulteryGate
4) PotGate
5) CarWashGate
6) MethLabGate
7) TexasHoldEmGate
8) CollegeGate
9) NationalGuardGate
10) SeparatistGate
11) DrivingTownIntoDebtGate
12) LobbyistGate
13) EarmarkGate
14) TrooperGate
15) LibraryGate
16) JewsForJesusGate
17) PrayForPipelineGate
18) SuicideCultGate
19) PrivatePlaneGate
20) DominionistGate

I got a million of um - a cha cha cha. BURP! And you communities out there with your organizers an yerr activists... I'm arial huntin' yer soory butts! I'm a bottomless pit of bull and my God is better than yer God. Hic!

Dick Wood- I see, and Senator Obama you have not finished
your Mezcal nor has Senator McCain.

Obama- Well Dick, I'm afraid I'm something of a sipper but I think if I were in fact president I would be interested in having RFE and Tehranchik in the cabinet. Their diplomatic skills are obvious.

McCain- My friends, I am undergoing a series of procedures that will allow me to exist as a soulless un-dead hirudinean parasite forever

similar to
Dick Cheney... Dracula......Darth Vader... all those big guys!
However it seems when they removed my heart and brain they took my liver too.
I can no longer drink, eat, sleep, or basically do the things that make one human.
My new Rovian brain connects me directly to the lobbyists and flim flam artists that paint the GOP landscape. I am forced to do their bidding. And soon, all of you will be our puppets too! Dance consumers! Dance I say! Resistance is futile!

Time's up McCain, I didn't address you yet anyway.
Senator Obama my question to you sir is
what will you do about the economy?

Obama-�??The cost of our debt is one of the fastest growing expenses in the federal budget. This rising debt is a hidden domestic enemy, robbing our cities and states of critical investments in infrastructure like bridges, ports, and levees; robbing our families and our children of critical investments in education and health care reform; robbing our seniors of the retirement and health security they have counted on. . . . If Washington were serious about honest tax relief in this country, we'd see an effort to reduce our national debt by returning to responsible fiscal policies.�?? I would install a pay as you go policy, keep taxes fair, especially for middle class families who have taken the real hit in the Bush economy. I would close loopholes and subsidies to corporations who don't need welfare from tax payers and cease tax rewards for moving jobs overseas. All bills will be transparent to the public, if anyone submits pork barrel earmarks it must pass public scrutiny. By simply closing loopholes in offshore tax havens we would have 300 billion more dollars a year. This is not a new tax, but simply one that is legitimately owed, one that ordinary citizens pick up the tab for currently. These are a few of my proposals.

Dick Wood - This sounds intriguing, O.K . McCain, here's your question. Who let the dogs out?

McCain- I know this one um Obama did, he let them out! And he's the most pro canine man in the congress! He'll tax and spend and build a Mosque right on the White House!

Dick Wood - No I'm afraid the correct answer is "woof, woof, woof, woof".

McCain- You gave me the hard question! This is proof of media liberalism!

Dick Wood- Right, bite me.
But seriously didn't you just hear Senator Obama say he would
lower taxes on 95% of Americans?
And surely you know Obama is a Christian.

McCain- I don't care about truth, I care about getting selected!
Joe Lieberman will build a temple on top of that Mosque!

Palin- I'll build a megachurch on top of that Synagogue!

McCain- And I'll build a McDonalds on top of that megachurch!

The McCain-Palin White House

Tehranchik- What about the separation of church and state? There's more talk about religion in this campaign than the economy, the Iraq occupation, and all the other issues combined!

Palin- Why you ******** liberrral you!
Jesus didn't come here on the Mayflower to discover this country
and write our constitution just for you to make these outrageous claims.
No, he came here to subjugate the meek, make a wad of dough,
kill all homos and the races except mine , and cover every last
sq. foot of this country with seepage from his holy oil derricks!
It sez so right in de bible!

Dick Wood- Governor, your lack of knowledge of history is astounding!

Palin- Thank you!

Tehranchik- As you know my running mate Radio Free Europa and I have a history of fighting for truth, justice, and the American way. Over the years the threat of brain eating zombies has been one of our toughest conflicts to deal with.
Will the voters elect a brain eating zombie to the VP office?

Palin- I said thanks but no thanks to eating the voters brains.

RFE- How then do you explain your appearance
on the cover of Zombiepolitan?

McCain -Drats! Curses! Foiled again!
Rove assured me that was scrubbed from public access!
OK sure she's a brain eating zombie hosting the Cheney
parasite, but ... oh who am I kidding?

Quick Sarah, we have to get in the getaway rocket.
We've got to beat it!
Cheese it!

This is a satirical story, some of Obama's comments are actually from published speeches.
Everything else is fictional.....or is it?

Vote fer me or else!!!

This article is the 3rd in a series,
Read the 1st 2 here.
RFE RUNS FOR PRESIDENT

NEWS FROM THE RFE-TEHRANCHIK CAMPAIGN TRAIL

Democratic National Convention Ends-GOP Begins

2008-08-29T02:14:00.000-07:00

Lines of people several blocks long
Lined the streets outside Mile High
Stadium and 75,000 people inside
were excited to be there for the historic occasion.

Barrack Obama delivered an acceptance speech that
brought tears to the eyes of many inspiring and electrifying
many more.

"These challenges are not all of government's making," Claimed Obama,
"But the failure to respond is a direct result of a broken politics in Washington and the failed policies of George W. Bush. . . . I say to the American people, to Democrats and Republicans and independents across this great land: Enough!" he said.

The Convention closed leaving many proud of the USA, renewed in spirit, and energized.

The crowd displayed their flags.

McCain meanwhile has chosen his running mate.

It is Dubya.

The Republican Convention gets underway!
An exiting event chock full of inspiring messages
whipping the crowd into a frenzy!

A 2 hour video was shown of a rock that had "McCain" written on it.
Many believe it is the 1st political ad, dating back eons!

Trying to counter the historic nature of Obama's nomination,
the GOP is pointing out that if McCain is elected,
He will be the 6th Civil War president
ever to hold the office!

McCain delivers his acceptance speech!

Admittedly there was no way to compete with the
Democratic National Convention's excitement or attendance.
So the GOP showed a film of lots of people
waving their flags behind McCain so they didn't look so lame.
But someone should tell them that film isn't the best choice.
And that flag isn't the best one to wave around either.
The Republican Convention came to a close before it started.

Remember folks-

Your Ad Here

My Name Is John McCain And I Approve These Diapers

2008-08-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

My Friends,

more and more I am having troubles
convincing people to vote for me,
not just because of the pantload
of Rove-Bush politics I'm peddling,
but because of
the actual pantload I'm carrying.

Even when Bush and I were celebrating the defeat of New Orleans
I didn't even realize my shorts were overflowing.
It wuz gettin' embarrassin'!

Now finally after one of dem' town meetin's some other old geezer
told me about a product that he uses to go all day without even changing his pants!

I campaign in all 13 colonies now
without embarrassment!

"My friends, surely you too loose bowel control while away from one of your 12 mansions, ranches and condos and these babys last and last; they hold a couple days worth!
And they come in white only!!!

I hear even you poor people who make less than 5 million a year are allowed to buy them too!"

"Yes My friends, this is the best product I've found
for disguising the fact that I'm full of it!
Get yours today!
And if you act now your diapers will have a GOP logo
made in China by political prisoners
out of toxic waste glued to the inside!
Not only that friends,
but I'll include at no extra cost to you
lead based paint and asbestos dust toys for your kids
and some anti-freeze flavored pet food
for your best friend.
Did I mention I was a POW?
Aghhh...there I go again.
But thanks to these new industrial grade Depends,
I don't care. And you shouldn't either!
Tell that whipersnapper Obama he better stay off my lawn!"

Vote fer me or else!!!

Holy Pornography Battyman!

2008-08-24T18:14:00.000-07:00

Just What Is the Message Here?

It's a good thing spelling is not in the 10 commandments!
Of Course that book learnin' ain't important to the true thumper.
(If they would read it, instead of thumping it or believing charlatan "leaders" make stuff up about what it says, they wouldn't be like fish in a barrel to poke fun at.)

I could have sworn I saw the man in the poster up in New Hampshire, A Germanic looking white bread goya with bleach white skin.
Did anyone in the Middle East really look like this?
I won't comment on this photo too much, I'm sure your thinking the same things I am.

How do you know he is?
No wonder he's smiling!
Tissues?
Would that be a sin?
Where is the Pope on this?
So that's what the 2nd coming is about.
Is this in the New Testicle or the Old one?
And why is that sheep smiling? Oh No!

And I don't know why Spider-Man, the Hulk, and Captain America are on the poster.
They are just made up comic book characters and people in "Holy" books are....um er....well?.

Anyway it looks like down the street at the 'ol Tremont Evangelical Church
they don't care much for spellin' neither!

Who the hell is Chirst? I wanted to know so I went to my trusty search engine and apparently we should all be more like teenage goth girls.

The other interesting hit was this video:

Remember folks-

Your Ad Here

Lawmakers Compete For National Buffoon "Buffoon Extradinaire" Award

2008-08-19T23:40:00.000-07:00

"The law is a horrible business."
- Clarence Seward Darrow

National Buffoon salutes buffoonery of all kinds, from the nefarious charlatan, the intellectually challenged, to the common nitwit . This month we have a look at some Lawmakers who obviously are buffoons...but is their buffoonery extraordinary enough to echo through the hallowed halls of the National Buffoon? Let's have a look.

Thinking Inside The Box (groan)

Our first contender is Wisconsin Justice Patience Roggensack, who recently wrote a majority opinion with three other buffoons er, uh, justices, declaring it to be illegal in Wisconsin to dig up cadavers and have sex with them. Now is there a plague of necrophilia in Wisconsin? Or was this OK until last month? Apparently after much discussion, the Wisconsin Supreme Court ruled 5 -2 it was indeed not lawful because a dead person could not give consent. The dissenting justices feared the decision might affect their own inclinations towards members of the bovine community... they argued that moo was close enough to more indicating legal consent.

Justice Roggensack ponders the issue.

Men At Work With Guns And Bozos

No, it's not a concert with Colin Hay and Slash. The 2nd contender for Buffoon Extradinaire this month is the entire Florida legislature, who recently passed a befuddled 39 page bill that gun advocates in the legislature claim as a victory but gun control advocates in the same legislature also claim as a victory. Wow, must be a great law if it pleases both sides right? Well aside from the actual lawmakers no one thinks it makes any sense. It gives employees the right to carry fire arms at their jobs, but bans customers and employers from carrying firearms. Seems the NRA isn't pleased, and customers and employers are not pleased. (They are filing challenges). Something must be in that swamp water in Florida that acts as a nutrient for buffoonery. 39 pages of obtuse in-articulation and absurdity. Nice work, Bozos.

Though I'm not sure just who to nominate for this bit of buffoonery (or is it indeed brilliance?)
In New York, you cannot dissolve a marriage over irreconcilable differences
until both parties agree to it.
????
WTF!

Americans Are Not The Only Contenders
When it comes to dumb lawmakers and the laws they create of course there is international competition for the top spot. For instance in the land that gave us the barometer, electric battery, nitroglycerin, wireless telegraphy and pasta has been enacting some buffoonish laws of late. In Italy, it is illegal for men to wear skirts. Well , I guess Scotland isn't all that far away. It seems the inferior er, uh, interior minister, Roberto Maroni, has given cities additional powers to address security and public decorum issues. And they have wasted no time turning their hamlets and cities into clown houses and bad vaudevillian circuses. The use of lawnmowers and electric hedge-clippers is banned on weekends in Tuscany. ( Annoy your neighbors during the week?) In Novara, Piedmont, the mayor issued an order this summer prohibiting groups of three or more people from gathering between 11:30 p.m. and 6 a.m. in public areas. in Eraclea, a resort on the Adriatic coast, beach games have been prohibited and activities such as digging in the sand are prohibited. In Rome tourists are not allowed to drink or eat within 200 feet of a historical site (What is not a historical site in Rome?) There is A 50 euros fine for lying down in a park in the northern city of Vicenza to read a book. Ho Ho! Good old fashioned Reich fun I guess. Of course Italy's neighbor, Switzerland did not wish to be left out of the competition. It is illegal in that country to flush the toilet after 10 p.m.
Not only that, but a man is not allowed to stand up and pee after 10 p.m.

(Are they light sleepers? Or loud peepers?)

In South Korea, traffic police are supposed to report all bribes that they receive from motorists. Now in the UK, a man was arrested for laughing. Here is the particulars: A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her and felt humiliated She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing...... She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a rude manner. He told the judge "when the lady boarded the bus I couldn�??t help noticing she was pregnant.. She sat under an advertisement, which read: �??Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins�??. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: �??William�??s Stick Did The Trick�??. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:
�??Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.�??
The charges were dismissed.

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McCain Or Obama?

2008-07-11T00:07:00.000-07:00

Click the candidate, scroll down and click "I vote" to submit your vote.
Click "results" to see the poll results.

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McCain or Obama? Who would you vote for if the election were held today?

Part 2- More Choices!
If the election were today, my vote would be cast for:

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How would you vote if the U.S. presidential election were today and these candidates were options?

The down side to a vote for Mr. Zappa is that he is no longer alive. One could argue however that
a president who was deceased could do little harm. Which many would consider a welcome change! (One could make a similar case for electing Spongebob, who as a cartoon, would likely also not be capable of harm .)

Don't forget to vote!

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Submitted by the Editor

THE HALL OF GREAT REPUBLICANS

2008-05-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

In this issue, National Buffoon salutes the miscreants, mobsters, molesters, abusers, convolutes, debasers, debauchers, degenerates, demoralizers, and pedophiles of the depraved and inherently corrupt Grievous Old Party!
Does it seem as if there is a Republican exposed as a hypocritical blight on the human gene pool every single day of the year? Maybe it's because there is! Though other political animals may try, they are mere amateurish neophytes in both quality and quantity. There is no competition, the Republicans have dominated the field in modern times and no other group even comes close (Except for mega-preachers and their ilk, but they are merely a subgroup of the republicans anyway.)
Now without further adieu, let's begin the salute!

THE HALL OF GREAT REPUBLICANS
Awards for most flagitious bizzare behavior-

Florida state representative Robert "Bob" Allen, Arrested at a Veteran's Memorial Park for solicitation of prostitution from an undercover male officer inside a restroom. According to the Orlando Sentinel Bob "offered to perform oral sex for $20". Ironically the Republican lawmaker actually co-sponsored a bill months before his arrest that would have increased public sex charges from a misdemeanor to a felony. The proposed bill addressed "unnatural and lascivious acts or exposure or exhibition of sexual organs" within 1,000 feet of a park, school or child care facility. He claimed he offered to give the officer a hummer and give him 20$ as well, because he was afraid of black people. The officer was a black man and was not there to look into prostitution, but was on a stake out regarding a burglary. Is this a secret Republican tactic? If your a fat Floridian white republican guy, the best way to deal with people of different skin colors whom you are unrealistically afraid of, is to offer fellatio and 20 bucks? Yeah, that is some excuse Bob. You just made National Buffoon's Buffoon of the year!!! But your already in Disneyland.

The Vile and Unfathomably Repugnant Award

John David Roy Atchison, Republican prosecutor, was arrested for soliciting sex from a 5-year old girl. For pedophiles like John David Roy Atchison, I hope there's a worse hell than the one he created for his small victims. He had been communicating with a woman he thought was the child's mother in Detroit. She was an undercover policewoman. He thought she had a five year old daughter with whom he allegedly wanted to have sex. According to court transcripts and the Detroit News, (he was arrested in Detroit, on his way to rape the 5 year old), he expressed a desire to engage in oral, vaginal and anal sex with her fictitious daughter. Records show at one point, he wrote: �??I�??m always gentle and loving; not to worry; no damage ever; no rough stuff ever ever.�?? He assured the undercover officer that the girl would not need medical attention, saying, �??I can be absolutely sure; just gotta go slow and very easy is how; I�??ve done it plenty.�?? Atchison killed himself three weeks later. (perhaps to avoid what outraged parents would do if they got their hands on him). At the time he was arrested, Atchison was an assistant U.S. attorney appointed by Bush's attorney general, Buffoon extradinaire, and constitution slayer - Alberto Gonzales; who frankly, should follow Atchison's example. (The American people would be happy to buy the bullets for you Gonzo, it would be the best use of taxpayer money since 2000). Ironically Atchison's boss, Gregory Miller, was appointed by Bush in 2002 as US Attorney for Northern Florida. He was proud of his record of hunting down pedophiles who use the internet to lure their prey or who possess child pornography (unless of course, they are right under his nose).

The Republican Token Black Groper Award

E. Ozwald Balfour, chairman of the Utah Republican Black Assembly (How many Blacks are in Utah? 10?) and elected to the Republican State Central Committee in 2007, even though he was awaiting trial on four felony counts of forcible sex abuse dating back to his arrest in February, 2005. Oz lured models and actresses into his lair by running an ad claiming he was producing a children's movie. When women showed up for an audition, he allegedly ripped their shirts off and groped them. There was no film. In Utah, can a man accused of sexual assault, awaiting trial, rise to a position of prominence in the GOP without raising an eyebrow? This, the party known for it's slogans of family values and moral indignation says "you bet!"

The Posthumous Loathsome Twit Award

Slab Jockey honors go to St. Petersburg Fl. Republican city councilman, John Bryan who killed himself after police began investigating allegations that he had molested three girls, including two of his adopted daughters, ages 12 and 15. Way to go John!
(Seems a lot of these vicious predator republicans hail from Florida...something in the water?).

THE LARRY CRAIG AWARD

Larry Craig Republican Senator for Idaho, was arrested on July 11, 2007, by plainclothes police officer investigating complaints of lewd behavior in a Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport airport men's room. On August 8 in Hennepin County Municipal Court in Bloomington, Minnesota, Craig entered a guilty plea and paid a $500 fine after trying to use his office to persuade the arresting officer he was above the law. On September 1st, Craig subsequently announced his retirement from the Senate. Five days later, Craig changed his mind, renounced his retirement and began a battle to have his guilty plea overturned. Craig has been an outspoken opponent of rights for gays.

ATROCIOUS IGNORAMUS AWARD

John R. Curtin , Monroe County Pa. state Republican committeeman, was convicted of:

* Sexual assault (felony)

* Contacting or communicating with a minor to commit a sexual offense (felony)

* Indecent assault without the other's consent

* Indecent assault through forcible compulsion

* Selling or furnishing alcohol to minors

* Corrupting minors

* molesting an underage boy and sentenced to serve six to 18 months in prison.

Fallacious Freaky Fiend Award

Richard Curtis, Washington State Representative, an outspoken critic of gays who opposed a gay rights bill that banned discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. In spring of 2007, he voted against domestic partnerships for gay and lesbian couples and resigned from the House after reports of his sexual encounter with a male escort became public. ( Lingerie, rope, stethoscopes�??Rep. Curtis is a very kinky girl!) This is a bizarre tale. The link reveals more details than perhaps you'd really care to know. Not only is this idiot a horrendous hypocrite, this loser is a moron as well. After telling police he had anal sex with a man whom he claims took his wallet, he also denies being gay. Just cause you have sex with your own sex doesn't make you a homosexual...um...what does? John? Now that is some Republican doubletalk! (Runner up for the prestigious "steaming pantload award".

THE PUGNACIOUS PEDOPHILE AWARD

Donald Fleischman, Seriously now folks, just because they voted against the SCHIP bill, it doesn't mean that Republicans don't care about poor kids. Take Donald Fleischman, for example. Mr. Fleischman is chairman of the Brown County Republican Party (Wisconsin) and here's how he demonstrated his love for children ...the Brown County, WI, Republican Party Chairman, resigned his post after he was charged with two counts of child enticement, two counts of contributing to the delinquency of a child and a single charge of exposing himself to a child.

Ted Klaudt, South Dakota State Rep., found guilty of four counts of second-degree rape of two teenage foster daughters. The South Dakota lawmaker is accused of molesting his own foster children and legislative pages. Klaudt, 49, a Republican rancher from Walker, faces a long list of charges: eight counts of rape, two counts of sexual exploitation of a minor, two counts of witness tampering, sexual contact with a person under 16, and stalking. Apparently Klaudt sees himself as an amateur gynecologist, the girls say Klaudt had them convinced they could earn up to $20,000 by donating their eggs to a fertility clinic. And even though he has no medical training, the girls say Klaudt did all the supposed "exams" and "procedures" himself.

Robert McKee, Republican delegate from Western Maryland, announced his resignation after authorities seized two computers, videotapes and printed materials from his Hagerstown home in a child pornography investigation. McKee also resigned his position as executive director of Big Brothers Big Sisters of Washington County.He is a former chaplain for the Hagerstown Jaycees and is a trustee and community services chairman at First Christian Church. McKee has been involved in youth athletics and children's groups, according to his General Assembly biography. He has served in officer positions in two Little League groups and as secretary of a parent and child center advisory committee.

Ronald C. Kline, Republican Judge in Orange County, CA, pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography on his home computer after six years of legal wrangling.

Patrick Lee McGuire Flagler County, Florida, Republican Commissioner, surrendered to police after allegedly molesting young girls. One victim, who is now 16, told detectives McGuire molested her when she was between the ages of 8 and 9. The second victim, now 24, said she was 12 and 13 years of age when McGuire began his molestations. McGuire will be behind bars until 2012.

Really Demented Old Guy Award

Joseph McDade, longtime Pennsylvania Republican congressman who served for 36 years in the House and now works for a Washington lobbying firm was arrested for exposing his genitals in public. According to Sanibel police reports, McDade was seen "masturbating on the beach and by the pool area of the hotel" by three witnesses on Jan. 18. According to the Naples Daily News-"The first complainant, a woman whose name was redacted from reports, told officers she saw McDade masturbating 10 to 15 feet away from her while she was on the phone. A second witness, a man whose name was also redacted, reported McDade followed his wife from the beach while masturbating." The third witness reported a similar scenario, saying McDade watched her leave her lawn chair at the beach, and proceeded to follow her while masturbating.

Reports said the third witness "continued stating she thought Mr. McDade was a mental patient because he did not try to hide himself while he was masturbating and he was masturbating in front of everyone at the resort." Children were present in the hotel and on the beach.

Jon Matthews, a self righteous Republican talk show host in Houston, was indicted for indecency with a child, including exposing his genitals to a girl under the age of 17. The 61 year old was ordered to spend three years in prison after a Fort Bend County judge revoked his probation from a similar incident.
The state claimed Matthews violated several terms of the probation he received two and half years ago after he pleaded guilty to exposing himself to an 11-year-old girl. Matthews did not dispute the claims made in court.

Joseph Monteleone Jr., Elyria city councilman, was found guilty of fondling underage girls and asking them, to have sex with him.

The Coveted Dracula Trophy

Glen Murphy, chairman of the Clark County Republican Party and president of the Young Republican National Federation, resigned both posts, after the Clark County Sheriff�??s Department began investigating Murphy for alleged criminal deviate conduct. A 22-year-old man claimed that Murphy performed an unwanted sex act on him while the man slept in a relative�??s Jeffersonville home. During the investigation, a similar accusation from 1998 came to light. (Why is a 30 some year old pervert in charge of the "young republicans" anyway? Is this how they get recruits?)

Schenectady County , N.Y. Republican election commissioner Armando Tebano has resigned his $75,000 a year position after being charged with sex crimes involving a 14-year-old girl.
(Tebano is married to Schenectady County Court Judge Karen Drago, also a Republican.)

Mark Foley, Republican Representative, Florida Sixteenth Congressional District. Resigned after trying to solicit sex from male congressional pages via an instant messenger program. The conversations included his asking a sixteen-year-old "stud" whether his penis was erect and requesting that he take out and measure his penis. The cover-up involved Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner, Ohio Eighth Congressional District and then Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert, Illinois Fourteenth District.

Steve Aiken, campaign manager for a Republican candidate for Congress in Arizona, former Quakertown, PA, police officer and self-proclaimed reverend, was convicted of having sex with two underage girls. The self-proclaimed reverend met the underage teens in Pennsylvania through YouthQuest, a Christian counseling agency. According to testimony by the victims, reported by the Philadelphia Inquirer, Aiken "came into her room while she was asleep, undressed her and began to rub her breasts." Aiken reportedly forced himself on the girl about 15 times in the course of four months, according to the Inquirer. According to the Allentown Morning Call, at his sentencing hearing in June 1996, Aiken said, "Steve Aiken's days of helping kids are over." Yeah, we would hope so! In addition to his political activities, Aiken also hosts a weekly radio program on KVOI in Tucson. Aiken's website includes a "help wanted" page seeking high school or college students to work as volunteer interns on the radio program.

Kids, don't apply for a job with this loser.

Louis Beres, chairman of the Christian Coalition of Oregon and chairman of the Multnomah County Republican Party. (Multnomah County includes Portland). The Oregonian reported that "Louis Beres, longtime chairman of the Christian Coalition of Oregon, molested three female family members when they were pre-teens." He vehemently denied the charges at first but eventually confessed. (Like Tom Delay, Foley, Hastert ,etc., etc.)

Evil Buffoon Award

Howard L. Brooks, 61 year old Republican legislative aide and adviser to a California assemblyman, was charged with molesting a 12-year old boy and possession of child pornography. He bragged about his many young victims in a pen pal letter written to a prisoner which was intercepted by prison officials. Police suspect there are many more victims as he was director of a YMCA at one time. What a creep.

Randall Casseday, Washington Times newspaper executive, pleaded guilty to soliciting sex from a 13-year old girl on the internet. ( The Washington Times is owned by Republican bankroller, Reverend Moon.)

Larry Corrigan, Republican operative and Director of Operations and Budget at King County Prosecutor's Office, OR, was arrested for soliciting sex from 13-year old girls. He sent explicit photos of the sex acts he wanted to engage in to a 13 year old, who was really a police officer.

Carey Lee Cramer GOP political consultant and anti-Kerry ad producer, tried for molesting two young girls, one of whom lived with him, and was 8 yrs old; the other starred in his anti-Kerry commercial.

Jim Gibbons, US Rep. and Republican Governor of Nevada (He doesn't live in the Governor's mansion though, his wife threw him out) escorted a cocktail waitress to her car after drinking with her, and then allegedly assaulted her. He has also been under FBI investigation for a no-bid contract to a long-time friend and campaign contributor. He has taken a firm stance against illegal immigrants, but has long exploited one as a nanny. The Wall Street Journal published a story stating that Gibbons had earmarked several millions of dollars to a company owned by Warren Trepp, as well as added additional funds to a pre-existing government contract with Trepp's company. The report noted that Trepp had paid for a $10,000 cruise for Gibbons and his wife, which Gibbons failed to report, and $100,000 in campaign contributions. A former Trepp business partner claimed that Gibbons was also given gambling chips �?? convertible into cash �?? and cash directly. On February 15, 2007, the Journal reported that Gibbons was under federal investigation for allegedly accepting unreported gifts and/or payments from Trepp in exchange for official acts while he served in Congress.

According to reports, days before Trepp and his wife left for the Caribbean cruise with Gibbons and his family, Jalé Trepp, Warren�??s wife, sent a reminder to her husband. It said, �??Please don't forget to bring the money you promised Jim and Dawn (Gibbons).�?? Minutes later, Trepp responded, �??Don't you ever send this kind of message to me! Erase this message from your computer right now!�?? The U.S. Attorney for Nevada at time of the investigation was Daniel Bogden, who was one of seven federal prosecutors forced out of his job by the Bush administration for looking into this and other corruption issues in December of 2006. He is quoted here on those who opposed the Iraq Invasion- "Tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie, tie-dyed liberals should go make their movies and their music and whine somewhere else�?�. It's just too damn bad we didn't buy them a ticket to become human shields in Iraq." What a buffoon!

Jeffrey Ray Nielsen, Christian conservative activist and lawyer with close ties to Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher and Scott Baugh, head of the Orange County Republican Party, was arrested for having sex with a 14-year old boy. After his arrest, police found thousands of images of child pornography on his home and work computers. As reported by California's Orange County Weekly during Nielsen's trial, the defendant's legal team had originally argued that the 14-year-old boy's claims of a sexual relationship were imagined. "Did Mr. Nielsen and Mr. Doe meet? Yeah, they did. Did they go to his house? Yeah, they did. But it's a hopeful leap to believe that they must have had sex," said Nielsen defense attorney Paul Meyer in February, according to the Weekly. Claiming the boy "built a fantasy," Myer warned the jury not to be misled. "Jeff Nielsen is a conservative guy, responsible, caring and very family-oriented. He cares about people." Of course he confessed after a mistrial was declared. Following this initial mistrial, and a subsequent confession, prosecutors also "filed charges involving a 13-year-old they said Nielsen had molested repeatedly while living at the boy's family's Virginia home back in 1994," according to the paper.

The GOP Forms A Partnership With Satan Awards

Jeffrey Patti, Republican Committee Chairman, was arrested for distributing what experts call "some of the most offensive material in the child pornography world" - a video clip of a 5-year-old girl being raped.

I'm sure GOP fans can make their own list of Democrats or other parties who have been naughty. But ask yourself if it compares to the magnitude of this list which could continue on and on, (but won't, as I'm getting nausea just researching it. This article is not comprehensive. There is still an exhaustive abundance of materials available it was simply researched via search engine until the author became weary of the project. We did not even look at greed and corruption yet for instance).

Here are a few more for your viewing displeasure...

* Republican anti-abortion activist Howard Scott Heldreth is a convicted child rapist in Florida.
* Republican County Commissioner David Swartz pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 11 and was sentenced to 8 years in prison.

* Republican judge Mark Pazuhanich pleaded no contest to fondling a 10-year old girl and was sentenced to 10 years probation.

* Republican anti-abortion activist Nicholas Morency pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer and offering a bounty to anybody who murders an abortion doctor. we�??re just getting started, kids.

* Republican legislator Edison Misla Aldarondo was sentenced to 10 years in prison for attempted rape of a juvenile.

* Republican Mayor Philip Giordano is serving a 37-year sentence in federal prison for sexually abusing 8- and 10-year old girls.

* Republican campaign consultant Tom Shortridge was sentenced to three years probation for taking nude photographs of a 15-year old girl.

* Republican racist pedophile and United States Senator Strom Thurmond had sex with a 15-year old black girl which produced a child.

* Republican pastor Mike Hintz, whom George W. Bush commended during the 2004 presidential campaign, surrendered to police after admitting to a sexual affair with a juvenile.

* Republican legislator Peter Dibble pleaded no contest to having an inappropriate relationship with a 13-year-old girl.

* Republican activist Lawrence E. King, Jr. organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.

* Republican lobbyist Craig J. Spence organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.

* Republican Congressman Donald �??Buz�?? Lukens was found guilty of having sex with a minor and sentenced to one month in jail.

* Republican fundraiser Richard A. Delgaudio was found guilty of child porn charges.

* Republican activist Mark A. Grethen convicted on six counts of sex crimes involving children.

* Republican activist Randal David Ankeney pleaded guilty to attempted sexual assault on a child.

* Republican Congressman Dan Crane had sex with a minor working as a congressional page.

* Republican activist and Christian Coalition leader Beverly Russell admitted to an incestuous relationship with his step daughter.

* Republican governor Arnold Schwarzenegger had sex with a 16 year old when he was 28.

* Republican congressman and anti-gay activist Robert Bauman was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old boy he picked up at a gay bar.

* Republican Committee Chairman Jeffrey Patti was arrested for distributing a video clip of a 5-year-old girl being raped.

* Republican activist Marty Glickman (a.k.a. �??Republican Marty�??), was taken into custody by Florida police on four counts of unlawful sexual activity with a juvenile and one count of delivering the drug LSD.

* Republican legislative aide Howard L. Brooks was charged with molesting a 12-year old boy and possession of child pornography.

* Republican Senate candidate John Hathaway was accused of having sex with his 12-year old baby sitter and withdrew his candidacy after the allegations were reported in the media.

* Republican preacher Stephen White, who demanded a return to traditional values, was arrested after allegedly offering $20 to a 14-year-old boy for permission to perform oral sex on him.

* Republican talk show host Jon Matthews pleaded guilty to exposing his genitals to an 11 year old girl.

* Republican anti-gay activist Earl �??Butch�?? Kimmerling was sentenced to 40 years in prison for molesting an 8-year old girl after he attempted to stop a gay couple from adopting her.

* Republican Party leader Paul Ingram pleaded guilty to six counts of raping his daughters and served 14 years in federal prison.

* Republican election board official Kevin Coan was sentenced to two years probation for soliciting sex over the internet from a 14-year old girl.

* Republican politician Andrew Buhr was charged with two counts of first degree sodomy with a 13-year old boy.

* Republican politician Keith Westmoreland was arrested on seven felony counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition to minors under 16 (i.e. exposing himself to children).

* Republican anti-abortion activist John Allen Burt was charged with sexual misconduct involving a 15-year old girl.

* Republican County Councilman Keola Childs pleaded guilty to molesting a child.

* Republican activist John Butler was charged with criminal sexual assault on a teenage girl.

* Republican candidate Richard Gardner admitted to molesting his two daughters.

* Republican Councilman and former Marine Jack W. Gardner was convicted of molesting a 13-year old girl.

* Republican County Commissioner Merrill Robert Barter pleaded guilty to unlawful sexual contact and assault on a teenage boy.

* Republican City Councilman Fred C. Smeltzer, Jr. pleaded no contest to raping a 15 year-old girl and served 6-months in prison.

* Republican activist Parker J. Bena pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography on his home computer and was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison and fined $18,000.

* Republican parole board officer and former Colorado state representative, Larry Jack Schwarz, was fired after child pornography was found in his possession.

* Republican strategist and Citadel Military College graduate Robin Vanderwall was convicted in Virginia on five counts of soliciting sex from boys and girls over the internet.

* Republican city councilman Mark Harris, who is described as a �??good military man�?? and �??church goer,�?? was convicted of repeatedly having sex with an 11-year-old girl and sentenced to 12 years in prison.

* Republican businessman Jon Grunseth withdrew his candidacy for Minnesota governor after allegations surfaced that he went swimming in the nude with four underage girls, including his daughter.

* Republican director of the �??Young Republican Federation�?? Nicholas Elizondo molested his 6-year old daughter and was sentenced to six years in prison.

* Republican benefactor of conservative Christian groups, Richard A. Dasen Sr., was charged with rape for allegedly paying a 15-year old girl for sex. Dasen, 62, who is married with grown children and several grandchildren, has allegedly told police that over the past decade he paid more than $1 million to have sex with a large number of young women.

Edison Misla Aldarondo, Republican legislator, was sentenced to 13 years in prison for molestation of his daughter and her friend for eight-year period starting when they were 9.

Randal David Ankeney, Republican activist, arrested on suspicion of sexual assault on a child with force. He faces 6 charges related to getting a 13-year-old girl stoned on pot and then having sex with her. Also accused of sexually assaulting another girl.

Jim Bakker, televangelist with Pat Robertson at Robertson�??s Christian Broadcasting network. Committed adultery with Jessica Hahn and then used charitable donations to pay her hush money. Indicted on 23 federal charges of fraud, tax evasion, and racketeering .

Merrill Robert Barter, Republican County Commissioner, pleaded guilty to unlawful sexual contact and assault on a teenage boy.

Robert Bauman, Republican congressman and anti-gay activist, was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old boy he picked up at a gay bar.

Parker J. Bena, Republican activist and Bush Elector, pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography (including children as young as 3 years old) on his home computer and was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison and fined $18,000.

Howard L. Brooks, Republican legislative aide and advisor to a California assemblyman, was charged with molesting a 12-year old boy and possession of child pornography.

John Bolton Bush�??s appointee ambassador to United Nations, corroborated allegations that Mr. Boltonâ�?��?�s first wife, Christina Bolton, was forced to engage in group sex have not been refuted by the State Department.

Mike Bowers Former State Attorney General, prosecuted the famous Bowers vs. Hardwick case, based on Georgia anti-sodomy laws. Admitted to a 10-year adulterous affair.

Andrew Buhr, Republican politician, former committeeman for Hadley Township Missouri, was charged with two counts of first degree sodomy with a 13-year old boy.

Ted Bundy campaigned for the Republican Party. Infamous serial rapist who murdered 16 women.

Jim Bunn Congressman of Oregon: With his success due in great part to support from the Christian Coalition, Bunn won his congressional seat, then left his wife (and mother of his five children), married a staffer, and put his new wife on the state payroll with a salary of $97,500.

John Allen Burt, Republican anti-abortion activist, convicted of sexually molesting a 15 year old girl at the home for troubled girls that he ran.

Dan Burton, Republican Congressman who, while married, fathered a child by another woman.

George W. Bush, Republican president, accused in a criminal complaint and lawsuit of raping Margie Schoedinger, who later committed suicide. Accused by Tammy Phillips, a former stripper quoted in the National Enquirer in 2000 saying she had an affair with Bush that had ended in 1999.

John Butler, Republican activist, was charged with criminal sexual assault on a teenage girl.

Ken Calvert, Congressman (R-Ca), champion of the Christian Coalition and its �??family values.�?? Sued as an alimony deadbeat by his ex-wife. Said �??We can�??t forgive what occurred between the President and Lewinsky.�?? In 1993 he was caught by police receiving oral sex from a prostitute and attempted to flee the scene.

Helen Chenoweth, Congresswoman (R-Id.). Admitted to a six-year adulterous affair with a married associate. In 1995, Chenoweth had denied the affair when asked about it by The Spokane Spokesman-Review, but now she claims a pardon from a higher authority: �??I�??ve asked for God�??s forgiveness, and I�??ve received it,�?? she revealed.

Keola Childs, Republican County Councilman, pleaded guilty to sexual assault in the first degree for molesting a male child.

Kevin Coan, Republican St. Louis Election Board official, arrested and charged with trying to buy sex from a 14-year-old girl whom he met on the Internet.

Dan Crane, Republican Congressman, married, father of six. Received a 100% �??Morality Rating�?? from Christian Voice. Had sex with a minor working as a congressional page.
The House voted for censure Crane, the first time that censure had been imposed for sexual misconduct.

Paul Crouch Televangelist, Former President of Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN). Paid $425,000 in hush money in an attempt to cover up a gay affair. C'mon America, keep sending money to these ass clowns.

Richard A. Dasen Sr., Republican benefactor of conservative Christian groups, convicted of sexual abuse of children, promotion of prostitution and several counts of solicitation, enough to add up to a sentence of 126 years in prison.

Richard A. Delgaudio, Republican fundraiser and Bush Yes Man, was found guilty of child porn charges.

Peter Dibble, Republican legislator pleaded no contest to having an inappropriate relationship with a 13-year-old girl.

Nicholas Elizondo, Director of the Young Republican Federation molested his 6-year old daughter and was sentenced to six years in prison.

John Fund, of the Wall Street Journal, a prominent anti-abortion columnist and GOP fund raiser. He lost his position after it was revealed that he impregnated the daughter of an old girlfriend and then encouraged her to abort his child.

Jeff Gannon- Republican Partisan blogger with no journalism credentials and a fake name who got invited to Bush�??s Press conferences is also a pimp and a gay prostitute.

Jack W. Gardner, Republican Councilman, had been convicted of molesting a 13-year old girl. when the Republican Party, knowing of these crimes, put him on the ballot.

Richard Gardner, a Nevada State Representative (R), admitted to molesting his two daughters.

Newt Gingrich, married three times. Gingrich campaign worker Anne Manning admitted that she gave Newt oral sex while he was still married to his first wife. Informed one wife he was filing for divorce while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer treatments. But do you all remember his pretend indignant outrage over Bill Clinton's hummer?

Philip Giordano, Republican mayor sentenced to 37 years for forcing two 8 and 10 year old girls to perform oral sex on him in his City Hall office.

Rudy Giuliani, may be more of a threat to marriage than any gays. Judging from his disregard for the vows.

Matthew Glavin, president and CEO of the Southeastern Legal Foundation, big player in the Clinton Impeachment, and many anti-gay jihads, has been arrested multiple times for public indecency, one time fondling the crotch of the officer who was arresting him.

Mark A. Grethen, Republican activist, convicted on six counts of sex crimes involving children.

Jon Grunseth, Republican businessman and candidate for Minnesota governor, withdrew his candidacy after allegations surfaced that he went swimming in the nude with four underage girls, including his daughter, and tried to grope one.

Dr. W. David Hager, Bush appointee, member of Focus on the Family�??s Physician Resource Council, player in movement to ban the morning-after-pill. Had an adulterous affair, before divorcing his wife he sexually abused her, including sodomizing her in her sleep.

Mark Harris, Republican city councilman who is described as a �??church goer,�?? was convicted of repeatedly having sex with an 11-year-old girl and sentenced to 12 years in prison.

John Hathaway, Republican Senate candidate, was accused of having sex with his 12-year old baby sitter and withdrew his candidacy after the allegations were reported in the media.

Howard Scott Heldreth, anti-abortion activist who gained fame during the Shiavo media-circus, was convicted of two charges of raping a child in 2002. (Maybe he had "a thing" for vegetables too eh?)

Mike Hintz, a First Assembly of God youth pastor, introduced by Bush on the campaign trail, and promoted his policies. Says he supports Bush�??s values. Two months later, this married father of four turned himself into police, charged with the sexual exploitation of a child.

Neal Horsley has called for the arrest of all homosexuals. Admitted on the Fox News Radio�??s The Alan Colmes Show, that he�??s had sex with mules.

Tim Hutchinson, divorced his wife of 29 years to marry a congressional aide he was having an affair with.[60]

Henry Hyde, Judge who oversaw Clinton�??s impeachment proceedings, prominent opponent of reproductive rights, who had an extramarital affair with a woman who was married and had three children, during the course of which she and her husband were divorced.

Don Haidl, Assistant Sheriff of Orange Country, in violation of California�??s rape shield law, led a smear campaign against the child his son poisoned and then violently gang-raped on videotape, adding up to 24 felony counts. He said that his son �??acted accordingly�?? because the child was a �??slut�??.

Paul Ingram, Republican Party leader of Thurston County, Washington, pleaded guilty to six counts of raping his daughters and served 14 years in federal prison.

Earl Kimmerling, sentenced to 40 years in prison after he confessed to molesting an 8-year old girl after he attempted to stop a gay couple from adopting her.

Lewis Libby, former Assistant to the President and Chief of Staff to Vice President Dick Cheney. In 1996 published a novel containing bizare sexual content, including beastiality and pedophillia.

Rush Limbaugh, Mr. Family Values- triple-divorcee, 30-pill a day drug addict.

Bob Livingston, former Congressman (R-La.) resigned from the House in the wake of revelations about his past adultery.

Donald Lukens, Republican Congressman, was found guilty of having sex with a minor - a girl he was accused of sleeping with since she was 13.

Pat McPherson, Douglas County Election Commissioner. Arrested for fondling a 17-year-old girl.

Jon Matthews, Republican talk show host in Houston, was indicted for indecency with a child, including exposing his genitals to a girl under the age of 17.

Jeff Miller, (R-Cleveland), Senate Republican Caucus Chairman in Tennessee and the sponsor of Tennessee's Marriage Protection act, is divorced (as of April 2005) because of an affair he was having with an office aid. Miller described the Tennessee Marriage Protection Act as a means of preserving the sanctity of marriage. He opposed an amendment, however, which stated that adultery is deemed to be a threat to the institution of marriage and contrary to public policy in Tennessee.

Nicholas Morency, Republican anti-abortion activist, pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer and offering a bounty to anybody who murders an abortion doctor.

Sue Myrick, Congresswoman (R-NC), describes herself as a �??devout Christian.�?? Committed adultery with a married man.

Bill O�??Reilly Right-wing conservative talk show host on Fox News, sued for sexual harrassment by his producer.

Bob Packwood, Senator (R-Ore.), resigned in 1995 under a threat of public senate hearings related to 10 female ex-staffers accusing him of sexual harassment.

John Paulk, lied about prowling for gay sex while running a fundamentalist group to "cure" gays.

Brent Parker Utah State Representative. Arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover officer posing as a male prostitute.

John E. Peterson, Congressman (R-Pa), accused of sexual harassment and creation of a hostile work environment by six women. Peterson has refused to admit a crime, saying only �??I may have been an excessive hugger.�??

Harvey Pitt, SEC Chief under George W. Bush until he was forced to resign in 2002. Worked for New Frontier Media, a firm which distributed teen sex videos.

Mark Pazuhanich, Republican judge, pleaded no contest to fondling a 10-year old girl and was sentenced to 10 years probation.

George Roche III, carried on a 19 year affair with his son�??s wife, while serving as president of , which �??emphasizes the importance of the common moral truths that bind all Americans, while recognizing the importance of religion for the maintenance of a free society.�??
Beverly Russell, County Chairman of the Christian Coalition, sexually molested his step-daughter, Susan Smith, who later drowned her two children.

Jack Ryan, 2004 Republican nominee for US Senate from Illinois, pressured his wive, actress Jeri Ryan, to have sex with other men. Tricked her into visiting sex clubs, where he asked her to have sex with him while others watched.

Joe Scarborough, former Republican Congressman, currently a conservative talk show host. Resigned his congressional seat abruptly to spend more time with his family, amidst allegations of an affair. His intern, Lori Klausutis, was soon after found dead in his office. The medical examiner, who had his license revoked in for falsifying information in an autopsy report, and suspended in for six years, ruled the case an accident, after giving conflicting information about her injuries. He said he lied about them because �??The last thing we wanted was 40 questions about a head injury.�??

Ed Schrock, two-term republican congressman, with a 92% approval rating from the Christian Coalition. Cosponsor of the Federal Marriage Amendment, consistently opposed gay rights. Married, with wife and kids. Withdrew his candidacy for a third term after tapes of him soliciting for gay sex were circulated.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, right wing conservative radio host. Promotes family values, estranged from her mother, opposes birth control, has had her tubes tied, espouses saving oneself for marriage, admits to having had sex before she was married, opposes adultery, has committed adultery while she was married, and has slept with a married man, opposes divorce, is divorced and remarried, has posed for nude photos which are available online.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Republican governor, had sex with a 16 year old when he was 28.

John Scmitz, right-wing republican congressman, who had had his committee chairship taken away from him in the California State Senate after issuing a press release attacking Jews, feminists and gays. Forced out of office in 1982 for having an adulterous affair and fathering two children out of wedlock with one of his students. He was caught because his baby was admitted to hospital for having hair tied so tightly around his penis that it was almost severed. His daughter, Mary Kay LeTourneau, was convicted of having an adulterous affair with one of her students, and giving birth to two of his children.

Larry Jack Schwarz, Republican parole board officer and former Colorado state representative, fired after child pornography was found in his possession. With his political career over, he went to work in the hard-core pornography industry for Platinum X Pictures, owned by his daughter, porn starlet Jewel De�??Nyle (Stephany Schwarz).

Jim Stelling, Seminole County Republican Party chairman who believes in �??family values�??, as he told a judge. Filed a defamation lawsuit againt Nancy Goettman, a former county GOP executive committee member, for falsely claiming he had been married six times. Stelling has been married 5 times.

Don Sherwood, Republican member of the U.S. House of Representatives. Eventually admitted to an affar with a woman 30 years younger than him, after she accused him of physical abuse and attempting to choke her.

Tom Shortridge. Republican campaign consultant, was sentenced to three years probation for taking nude photographs of a 15-year old girl.

Fred C. Smeltzer, Jr., Republican City Councilman, pleaded no contest to raping a 15 year-old girl and served 6-months in prison.

Craig J. Spence, Republican lobbyist, organized orgies with child prostitutes in the White House during the 1980s.

David Swartz, Republican County Commissioner, pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 11 and was sentenced to 8 years in prison.

Randall Terry, Right to Life activist, founder of Operation Rescue, involved in the Terri Schiavo protests. Once imprisoned for sending former President Bill Clinton an aborted fetus. His son Jamiel is gay; his daughter Tila had sex outside of marriage, became pregnant, had a miscarriage - she is no longer welcome in his home; his daughter Ebony had 2 children outside of wedlock and became Muslim. He has campaigned against infidelity and birth control, gays and unwed mothers. Terry himself was censured by his church after committing adultery.

Bill Thomas Republican congressman, had an affair with Deborah Steelman, a health care lobbyist who steered huge campaign gifts to Thomas�?? war chest.

Strom Thurmond, republican senator and racist, raped and impregnated a 15-year old African American maid who worked for him.

Robin Vanderwall, Republican strategist and Citadel Military College graduate, director of Faith & Family Alliance, (a Christian Coalition spin off), former student of Pat Robertson�??s Regent Universtity, member of Ralph Reed�??s inner circle who funneled money to and from lobbyist Jack Abramoff to Reed , convicted in Virginia for soliciting sex from a 13-year-old-boy and on four other counts of soliciting sex from boys and girls over the internet.

Keith Westmoreland, a state representative (R), was arrested on seven felony counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition to minors under 16 (i.e. exposing himself to children).

Stephen White, Republican preacher. Was arrested after allegedly offering $20 to a 14-year-old boy for permission to perform oral sex on him.

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Bibliography-Sources -
http://dkosopedia.com/wiki/Examples_of_Republican_hypocrisy_on_moral_values
http://www.conservativesexscandals.com/
http://www.covenantnews.com/newswire/archives/024695.html
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_oet&address=358x814
http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2007/10/31/america/NA-GEN-US-State-Lawmaker-Extortion.php
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/29/us/politics/29repubs.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin
http://salem-news.com/articles/october172007/repub_scandals_10_17_07.php
http://www.alternet.org/sex/57392/
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/6973604.stm
http://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php?title=Bush_administration_scandals
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0807/5550.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/09/29/AR2006092901574.html

Hall Of Stunning Idiocy

2008-03-03T22:11:00.000-08:00

There exists a ponderous bulk of obtuse and subnormal quotations, echoing about the canyons of crass canards, valleys of vile vignettes, and the mountains of malaise. Reprehensible remarks reverberating recklessly through the time space continuum. Embarrassing to all who are unfortunate enough to be within earshot or share the minutest quantity of DNA with the elocutionist responsible for such nonsense! As a public disservice, National Buffoon has compiled many of the worst right here for your reading displeasure. Proceed with caution, as many of these pearls of wisdom, if contemplated, have indeed caused the cessation of higher brain functions.

"I am not a crook!"

The Nauseating Nixon Years...
"This is a great day for France!"
--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

"What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?"
--Richard M. Nixon

"I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue."
--Richard M. Nixon

I'm glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin. You never know if someone's tape recording what you say.
--Richard M. Nixon

"The press is the enemy. "
--Richard M. Nixon

"There can be no whitewash at the White House."
--Richard M. Nixon

"When the President does it, that means that it's not illegal. "
--Richard M. Nixon

"John Lennon is a paradox because he is difficult to judge by the normal standards of civilized life ... His main reason for being is to destroy, blindly and indiscriminately, to tear down and provoke chaos ..."
--J.Edgar Hoover Memo to Nixon

U.S President Bush, the bellwether bungler of banter...

"The fact that (Gore) relies on facts - says things that are not factual - are going to undermine his campaign." George W Bush, New York Times 4th March 2000

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." George W Bush, during a debate in St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." George W Bush, Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce." George W Bush, Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001

"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?"
George W Bush, after touring the Auschwitz death camp, Chicago Sun-Times, 29th January 1992

"Reading is the basics for all learning."
George W Bush, 'All Things Considered', National Public Radio, 28th March 2000

"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself."
George W. Bush, Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003

"The world is more peaceful and more free under my leadership."
George W Bush, White House, Oct. 28, 2003

"There's a lot of things that there's misconceptions. Evidently it's a misconceptions that Americans believe that Muslims are terrorists."
George W Bush, Aboard Air Force One, en route to Australia, Oct. 22, 2003

From the venomous forked tongue of the Gestapo's Swastika Girl....

"[Canadians] better hope the United States does not roll over one night and crush them. They are lucky we allow them to exist on the same continent."
Ann Coulter on Fox News 30/11/04

"I think the government should be spying on all Arabs, engaging in torture as a televised spectator sport, dropping daisy cutters wantonly throughout the Middle East and sending liberals to Guantanamo."
Ann Coulter writing in her column on 21/12/05

To a disabled Vietnam vet: "People like you caused us to lose that war."
-- Ann Coulter, MSNBC

"We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate liberals, by making them realize that they can be killed too. Otherwise they will turn out to be outright traitors."
-- Ann Coulter, CPAC convention, February 2002

"I have to say I'm all for public flogging."
-- Ann Coulter, MSNBC, March 22, 1997

Gargantuan among gauche and gaffe givers...the feculent facilitator of the floundering faux pas...

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Dan Quayle

"My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right."
Dan Quayle, in a speech to the Christian Coalition

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
Dan Quayle

For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Dan Quayle
Dullards, dunces and dandies of driveling dupery...

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
Alan Minter, Boxer

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

"Facts are stupid things."
-- Ronald Reagan

"If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections and they don't have upper body strength. I mean, some do, but they're relatively rare. On the other hand, men are basically little piglets, you drop them in the ditch, they roll around in it, doesn't matter, you know. These things are very real. On the other hand, if combat means being on an Aegis-class cruiser managing the computer controls for twelve ships and their rockets, a female may be again dramatically better than a male who gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes."
--Newt Gingrich

"We'd like to avoid problems, because when we have problems,
we can have troubles."
- Governor Wesley Bolin

"I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted." --Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries

AGHHH!

"Life is very important to Americans."
--Bob Dole, U.S. Senator from Kansas

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"Where the hell is Australia anyway?" --Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

"It's not so much a thankless task, it's more a job with no thanks"
- Colin Baker, ITV

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job."
-- George Bush

"Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country."
- Ian Rush

"I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity."
--Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House

"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do."
--Ronald Reagan

"More and more of our imports come from overseas."
--George W Bush

Reductio ad absurdum, rancorous pseudo-religious rants and proselytizing poobahs...

"I don´t know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God."
--George Bush

"The Christian community has a golden opportunity to train an army of dedicated teachers who can invade the public school classrooms and use them to influence the nation for Christ." American Presbyterian Minister James Kennedy

"AIDS is not just God´s punishment for homosexuals; it is God´s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals." American Jerry Falwell founder of the Thomas Road Baptist Church

"Nobody has the right to worship on this planet any other God than Jehovah. And therefore the state does not have the responsibility to defend anybody´s pseudo-right to worship an idol." American Joseph Morecraft of the Chalcedon Presbyterian Church

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."American Pat Robertson who founded the Christian Coalition

"The earth is flat, and anyone who disputes this claim is an atheist who deserves to be punished." Saudi Arabian Sheik Abdel-Aziz Ibn Baaz, author of a Muslim religious edict written in 1993

"This is not the homo land. This is the Holy Land. It´s inappropriate here. Jerusalem is not a Greenwich Village, huge gay bar. It´s Jerusalem, the Holy City." American Rabbi Yehuda Levin talking about a proposed Gay Pride march in Jerusalem

"I want you to just let a wave of intolerance wash over you. I want you to let a wave of hatred wash over you. Yes, hate is good... Our goal is a Christian nation. We have a biblical duty, we are called on by God to conquer this country. We don't want equal time. We don't want pluralism."
--Randall Terry, The News Sentinel, (Ft. Wayne, IN.)

"We are to make Bible-obeying disciples of anybody that gets in our way."
--Jay Grimstead, February 1987

"So let us be blunt about it: We must use the doctrine of religious liberty to gain independence for Christian schools until we train up a generation of people who know that there is no religious neutrality, no neutral law, no neutral education, and no neutral civil government. Then they will be get busy in constructing a Bible-based social, political and religious order which finally denies the religious liberty of the enemies of God."
--Gary North

"This is our land. This is our world. This is our heritage, and with God's help, we shall reclaim this nation for Jesus Christ. And no power on earth can stop us."
--D. James Kennedy

"The Church doesn't believe in book-burning, but it believes in restricting the use of dangerous books among those whose minds are unprepared for them."
--Francis J. Lally, American Roman Catholic Monsignor

"When you know the LORD you have no need for masturbation."
--Brice Wellington

"The judges need to be intimidated, they need to uphold the Constitution. If they don't behave, we're going to go after them in a big way."
--Tom DeLay

"Only stupid parents would leave their children in the filthy, immoral, dangerous, public 'education' institutions for indoctrination by socialists."
--J.M. Sutherland, The Christian Alert Network

"If the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it's clean, he has nothing, I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush Administration again, all right?"
- Bill O Reilly on finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, March 18, 2003

(Where is that national apology? Last I checked Bill was proudly falafeling Bush.)

�??The public perception �?� that you go to a 7-Eleven and grab beer, cigarettes and a lottery ticket. That�??s not all we�??re about.�??
�?? 7-Eleven CEO Joe DePinto ( reminding consumers that his brand is also about milk and candy bars , I imagine.)

"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed."
--Prince Phillip

"What do you think about that?"
--Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID), after handing his Senate business card to the police officer who arrested him for attempting to solicit sex in a Minneapolis airport mens room.

"Like a normal outdoor market in Indiana in the summertime."
--Rep Mike Pence (R-IN), describing his visit to a Baghdad market where a suicide bomber killed 88 people a few months earlier. Pence and the other members of the U.S. delegation visiting the market were wearing bulletproof attire while surrounded by 100 soldiers in armored Humvees and attack helicopters.

Still more odoriferous verbiage....

We understand the importance of having bondage between parents and their children.
--Dan Quayle

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears

Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.
Doug Collins, basketball commentator

"I think incest can be handled as a family matter within the family."
-- Jay Dickey Jr., U.S. representative from Arkansas

"We don�??t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman

"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."
--Carol Malia

"I am not going to give you a number for it because it's not my business to do intelligent work." --Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, asked to estimate the number of Iraqi insurgents while testifying before Congress, Feb. 16, 2005

"So many minority youths had volunteered�?�that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself."
--Tom DeLay, explaining at the 1988 GOP convention why he and vice presidential nominee Dan Quayle did not fight in the Vietnam War

"The truth is that for reasons that have a lot to do with the U.S. government bureaucracy, we settled on the one issue that everyone could agree on, which was weapons of mass destruction, as the core reason."
--Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz, "Vanity Fair" interview, May 28, 2003

"Only one thing would be worse than the status quo. And that would be for the status quo to become the norm."
-- Elizabeth Dole, U.S. senator

"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me."
-- Miriam Ferguson, Texas governor

"Capital punishment is our way of demonstrating
the sanctity of life."
-Orrin Hatch

"I think gay marriage is something that should be between
a man and a woman"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"My party is demonstrating that they are for states' rights unless they don't
like what states are doing."
Christopher Shays, Republican congressman of Connecticut

"When a man is asked to make a speech, the first thing he
has to decide is what to say."
Gerald R. Ford, US President

�??This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating.�??
�?? G.W. Bush, as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002
�??The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our
number one priority and we will not rest until we find him.�??
�??Dubya, Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001

�??I don�??t know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don�??t care. It�??s not
that important. It�??s not our priority.�??
�??Dubya, Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

�??Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?�??
�??Dubya, Florence, South Carolina, Jan. 11, 2000

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The U.S. Presidents -Greatest Quotes

2008-02-18T01:02:00.001-08:00

In Honor of President's Day today we offer some of the greatest inspirational quotes from American Presidents.

"If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter. "
George Washington (1789�??1797)

"If we do not lay out ourselves in the service of mankind whom should we serve?"
John Adams (1797�??1801)

"I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power the greater it will be...I hope we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations which dare already to challenge our government to a trial by strength, and bid defiance to the laws of our country."
Thomas Jefferson (1801�??1809)

"If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy."
James Madison (1809�??1817)

"National honor is a national property of the highest value."
James Monroe (1817�??1825)

"America, with the same voice which spoke herself into existence as a nation, proclaimed to mankind the inextinguishable rights of human nature, and the only lawful foundations of government." John Quincy Adams (1825�??1829)

�??The mischief springs from the power which the monied interest derives from a paper currency which they are able to control, from the multitude of corporations with exclusive privileges which they have succeeded in obtaining...and unless you become more watchful in your states and check this spirit of monopoly and thirst for exclusive privileges you will in the end find that the most important powers of government have been given or bartered away�?�."
- Andrew Jackson, Farewell Address, 1837

"There is a power in public opinion in this country�??and I thank God for it: for it is the most honest and best of all powers�??which will not tolerate an incompetent or unworthy man to hold in his weak or wicked hands the lives and fortunes of his fellow-citizens."
Martin Van Buren (1837�??1841)

"A decent and manly examination of the acts of the Government should be not only tolerated, but encouraged."
William Henry Harrison (1841) (Harrison resigned from the army in 1814. He had an obscure career in politics ending up 20 years later as a county recorder in Ohio. He was nominated for president in 1835 and billed as a military hero whom the conservatives of the day hoped to control, he ran surprisingly well against Van Buren in 1836 and defeated Van Buren in the following election. He caught pneumonia and died in Washington on April 4, 1841, a mere month after his inauguration. Harrison was the first president to die in office.)

"Patronage is the sword and cannon by which war may be made on the liberty of the human race."
John Tyler (1841�??1845)

"No president who performs his duties faithfully and conscientiously can have
any leisure."
James Knox Polk (1845�??1849)

"For more than half a century, during which kingdoms and empires have fallen, this Union has stood unshaken. The patriots who formed it have long since descended to the grave; yet still it remains, the proudest monument to their memory. . ."
Zachary Taylor (1849�??1850 )

"The man who can look upon a crisis without being willing
to offer himself upon the altar of his country is not fit
for public trust."
Millard Fillmore (1850�??1853)

"The storm of frenzy and faction must inevitably dash itself in vain against the unshaken rock of the Constitution."
Franklin Pierce (1853�??1857)

"The test of leadership is not to put greatness into humanity, but to elicit it, for the greatness is already there."
James Buchanan (1857�??1861)

"As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy."
Abraham Lincoln (1861�??1865)

"Honest conviction is my courage; the Constitution is my guide."
Andrew Johnson (1865�??1869)

"I have never advocated war except as a means of peace."
Ulysses Simpson Grant (1869�??1877)

"He serves his party best who serves the country best."
Rutherford Birchard Hayes (1877�??1881)

"We can not overestimate the fervent love of liberty, the intelligent courage, and the sum of common sense with which our fathers made the great experiment of self-government."
James Abram Garfield (1881) ( The Garfield administration had barely started when he was shot by Charles J. Guiteau, a disappointed republican office seeker, in Washington on July 2, 1881. He died in Elberon, N.J., on Sept. 19.)

"Good ballplayers make good citizens."
Chester Alan Arthur (1881�??1885)

"A man is known by the company he keeps, and also by the company from which he is kept out." Stephen Grover Cleveland (1885�??1889)

"We Americans have no commission from God to police the world."
Benjamin Harrison (1889�??1893)

"Unlike any other nation, here the people rule, and their will is the supreme law. It is sometimes sneeringly said by those who do not like free government, that here we count heads. True, heads are counted, but brains also . . ."
William McKinley (1897�??1901)

"To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
Theodore Roosevelt (1901�??1909)

"Next to the right of liberty, the right of property is the most important individual right guaranteed by the Constitution . ."
William Howard Taft (1909�??1913) (I Suppose the SCOTUS decision that eminent domain included corporate interests overriding citizens ownership rights disagrees no?)

"We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers."
Thomas Woodrow Wilson (1913�??1921)

"Our most dangerous tendency is to expect too much of government, and at the same time do for it too little."
Warren Gamaliel Harding (1921�??1923)

Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
John Calvin Coolidge (1923�??1929)

"Prosperity is just around the corner."
Herbert Clark Hoover (1929�??1933)

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1933�??1945)

"We need not fear the expression of ideas�??we do need to fear their suppression."
Harry S. Truman (1945�??1953)

In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.
Dwight David Eisenhower (1953�??1961)

"And so my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country."
John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1961�??1963)

"If government is to serve any purpose it is to do for others what they are unable to do for themselves."
Lyndon Baines Johnson (1963�??1969)

" Solutions are not the answer. "
Richard Milhous Nixon (1969�??1974)

"Truth is the glue that holds governments together. Compromise is the oil that makes governments go."
Gerald Rudolph Ford (1974�??1977)

"The best way to enhance freedom in other lands is to demonstrate here that our democratic system is worthy of emulation."
James Earl Carter, Jr. (1977�??1981)

"I would have voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964."
Ronald Wilson Reagan (1981�??1989)

"I want a kinder, gentler nation."
George Herbert Walker Bush (1989�??1993)

"There is nothing wrong in America that can't be fixed with what is right in America."
William Jefferson Clinton (1993�??2001)

"I have opinions of my own-strong opinions-but I don't always agree with them."
George Walker Bush (2001�??2008)

President Bush Called Former President Clinton one afternoon.
"Hello, Bill? It's Dubya. Say, I've been meanin' ta ask ya sumthin'. How did you do so well with the ladies when you were president?"
"I'll tell ya, George. The trick is to dazzle them with charm and intelligent conversation."
"Yeah, but what can I do?" asked Bush.
Clinton paused. "Well, George, if all else fails, try puttin' a potato down your pants. That works every time."
The next week, Bush called Clinton again.
"Bill? Dubya. Laura was in Crawford over the weekend and I got to go stag to the embassy ball. I tried the potato trick, but all the ladies kept their distance."
"I know, I saw the ball on C-SPAN," laughed Clinton. "Next time, try puttin' the potato down the front of your pants."

Happy President's Day Everyone!

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Submitted by the Editor

Gimme Dat Old Time Religion

2007-12-30T01:56:00.000-08:00

Give me that old time religion
Tis the old time religion,
Tis the old time religion,
And it's good enough for me.

It was good for our mothers.
It was good for our mothers.
It was good for our mothers.
And it's good enough for me.

It has saved our fathers.
It has saved our fathers.
It has saved our fathers.
And it's good enough for me.

It will do when I am dying.
It will do when I am dying.
It will do when I am dying.
And it's good enough for me......

Give me that old time religion
Tis the old time religion,
Tis the old time religion,
And it's good enough for me.

It will take us all to heaven.
It will take us all to heaven.
It will take us all to heaven.
And it's good enough for me.......

When the legality of torture began being discussed here in the U.S.
I wondered where the religious organizations objections were.
It seemed to me they would be aghast at such practices,
but a little perusal of history gave reason for pause.
And the deafening silence.
As we hear the cries of unfairness today,
the alleged war against Christmas,
the notion that Christians in particular are persecuted
by church -state separation issues,
that science is the devil,
or that religion belongs in government
or science classrooms - let's have a look at how,
in days before the age of enlightenment
religious discrepancies were handled.

Heretic�??s fork
Resistance is futile.
One end of this device was pushed under the chin, the other into the sternum,
with the strap securing this torture tool to the victim�??s neck.
Immobilized and in great pain,
the victim will have to somehow speak the Latin word
�??abiuro�?? (I recant),
or they end up being hanged or burned at the stake.

"Love one another." John 4:7-8, 4:16

As soon as Christianity had achieved ascendancy in the 4th century C.E., torture to aid "education" of theological positions was widely used, particularly against women, who "had their breasts crushed or scorched," were beaten with thorn clubs, and were compelled to sit on heated iron plates (McCabe, A Rationalist Encyclopaedia, 1948, pp. 587-89).
Torture leading to death was practiced on increasing hordes of victims as the centuries passed, culminating in the condemnation of 20,000 women by Benedict Carpzov, a Leipzig professor in the 17th century. The Spanish Inquisition added hundreds of thousands to the total, in tortures detailed in George William Foote and Joseph Mazzini Wheeler's Crimes of Christianity, and Eugene Montague Macdonald's History of the Inquisition.

God will "smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion" and "will discover their secret parts" since he doesn't like the way they dress and walk. Isaiah 3:16-17

Breast Ripper
Women condemned as heretics, or blasphemers had their breasts ripped out using this device.

Gimme Dat Ol Time Religion Boy! Real nice.
If you can't win them over by reasoned argument, and baffling them with bull ain't cutting the mustard, well we have ways of making you conform.
In the Old Testament,
after God takes away the women's jewelry and perfume, "discovers their secret parts," and makes them all bald and stinking, he'll kill their husbands. Women will then become so desperate that "seven women will take hold of one man, saying ... let us be called by thy name, to take away our reproach." Isaiah 4:1
I guess there was some inspiration for torture there...

Crocodile Shears
Of course torture wasn't limited to females, though it was easy to accuse them of being witches.
And apparently a simple matter to determine their guilt. Throwing them in the water and if they float they are guilty of being witches, of course if they drowned they were innocent but what the hell, at least they weren't tortured wrongfully.
These Shears were used on men.
Now imagine having a hot date with this device,
which is actually an iron pincer with semi-cylindrical blades
that form a long narrow tube when closed together.
Teeth or spikes lined the inside of the blades,
which are first heated until red-hot before being clamped on the victim�??s penis.
When his sex organ is �??cooked�?? enough, it is then torn out from his body.
Hot dogs anyone?

The Lead Sprinkler

This tool, a holy water sprinkler re-design, was filled with either molten lead, tar, boiling oil or boiling water, then used to bless its victims by dripping its contents on their stomach, back and other body parts. Confess or we gouge out your eyeball!

Was this "persuasion" confined to Europe?
In the Colonies, Massachusetts imposed the death penalty on Nov. 4, 1646, for anyone denying the divine inspiration of the bible.
In 1692, deaf octogenarian Giles Cory, accused of witchcraft was crushed to death because he could not understand questions asked him by puritan leadership. Twenty-one other accused witches were hanged or died in prison in Salem, Mass., where two centuries later the founder of Christian Science, Mary Ann Morse Baker Glover Patterson Eddy, brought up one of her disaffected followers on yet another charge of witchcraft, according to her biographers Willa Cather and Georgine Milmine.

A dozen years later, various physical mutilations were prescribed for Quakers who would not desist from preaching. It was not an idle threat: on Oct. 27, 1659, the first in a series of Quakers was hanged on Boston Common for violating that law.

So much for religious freedom. It appears the atheists and deists who eloquently installed religious freedom in the Constitution saved these pious people from dogmatic extermination of each other.

The Pear

Used on alleged sodomites, adulterers, and those accused of incest, heresy, blasphemy or sexual union with Satan (Really?) in medieval Europe. This intricately-decorated device inserted into the mouth, rectum or vagina guaranteed swift salvation . A screw mechanism then makes its pointed �??leaves�?? expand while inside any of those orifices, resulting in severe internal mutilation.

These folks perhaps overlooked Lev.19:18: "Love thy neighbor as thyself." (Either that or they were REALLY into some strange sadomasochism.) They also seemed to have forgotten "Blessed are the merciful" in Mathew 5:7.

Prayer Shackles

One way to convert those atheists and heretics!

The Rack

An always popular retreat for the dissident and the skeptic alike.
This early attempt at faith chiropractics was designed to dislocate every single joint in the body. Tied across the device�??s board by the ankles and wrists, the victim�??s body is then pulled in opposite directions by turning rollers at either end of the board.

"Live peaceably with all men." Romans 12:18

The Catherine Wheel

The convertee is tied to the side of the wheel, then gets every bone in his body shattered one by one by an executioner using a hammer or an iron bar. Victims of this form of torture often took hours, or even days to die. Some were fortunate enough to be granted �??mercy�??
( fatal blows to the chest or stomach).

"For I desired mercy, and not sacrifice." Hosea 6:6

Iron Maiden

Not the metal band. The interior of this device is lined with strategically-placed sharp objects that is intended to torture an infidel or freethinker unlucky enough to be put inside it.
These spikes impaled the victim in the eyes, the chest and the back, but usually missed vital organs, so as to leave the victim bleeding profusely and in great pain but still alive for a while anyway.

God will not forgive us unless we shed the blood of some innocent creature!
Hebrews 9:13-14, 22

The Judas Chair

The Judas Chair, also known as the Judas Cradle.
Non believers were hoisted up by rope or chain and then made to sit on the tip of the pyramid shaped device. You get the point?
"He that goeth down to the grave shall come up no more." Job 7:7-9

Give me that old time religion
Tis the old time religion,
Tis the old time religion,
And it's good enough for me.

No Thank you.

What Does The Public Think About Impeachment?

2007-12-29T16:33:00.000-08:00

I wonder if the public decided if Bush and Cheney should be impeached if it would differ from Congressional opinion. Let's find out with a poll shall we? Do you believe these men may have committed misdemeanors or high crimes while in office? Remember impeachment is an investigation not a verdict.

Do you believe Cheney and/or Bush merit impeachment hearings?

BIZARRE XMAS PHOTOS

2007-12-21T21:04:00.000-08:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVOWEENOMASAs commercial concerns now start the holiday consuming season in August,

it's high time the already homogenized holidays be lumped together into one mass season long excuse to bolster retailers bottom line.

DREAMING OF A REICH XMAS?

These photos are very strange indeed, they are historical pictures of Nazis celebrating Xmas.

Oh Little Town Of Dachau???

Nazi guards appear to be opening gifts outside a concentration camp.

ROVE, ER I MEAN GOEBELS CELEBRATES XMAS
Here is a picture of Goebbels at a function where 500 gifts were given to Berlin children in 1936.

In their country, at this time this would have been considered a very upstanding patriotic family. Today the image conjures up confusion, anger, and sadness.
How could these people celebrate a holiday devoted to the birth of the Prince of Peace, with a photo of Hitler prominently peering through in the background? You see they too bought into the big lie that killing was OK under the guise of patriotism.

I SAW 3 U-BOATS

Young men conned into serving Fascism aboard a U boat.
Were they too doing their patriotic duty?
I keep seeing Ollie North testifying before congress about the Iran Contra drugs and weapons investigation. Every answer was "God and Country" regardless of the question.
Letters sent by Oliver North to John Poindexter show the U.S. sold arms to Iran in exchange for the release of hostages by Hezbollah. What's even worse, the deal was set up through then candidate George Bush I's covert connections before the election in an effort to disgrace the POTUS Jimmy Carter. It is also noteworthy that the Contras did not receive all of their finances from arms sales, but also through drug trafficking of which the US was found to be at minimum "aware" of.

CHILDREN SANTA AND SWASTIKAS

Nothing quite says Xmas like angels with crosses on crowns carrying swastikas on sticks while an eight foot Santa peers out into the crowd of children and storm troopers.
Egg nog anyone? (make mine a double.)

UNHOLY NIGHT

Oh Tannenbaum....

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU BETTER NOT CRY...

Apparently Der Fuhrer was on Santa's list on this Xmas.
He looks eager to receive his present too.

BLOODY OLD ST. NICK?
Hitler is 2nd from the left in this photo.

DECK THE HALLS IN AN EFFICIENT ORDERLY MANNER
I thought this photo was very telling.
The expressions on the parents says much.

This is all much too creepy, lets lighten up a bit.

THE THEME OF THIS POST IS APPARENTLY
MONSTERS CELEBRATING XMAS....

WELL , THE TITLE IS BIZARRE XMAS PICTURES!

HAVE YOURSELF A CREEPY RAELIAN XMAS....

I GUESS HE POUTED...

The Scariest Weird Xmas Photo OF ALL!

aghhhhh!!!!!

Bon Appetite!

Happy Holidaze to all!!! ...Hic!

Cheney Declares Himself To Be A New Species

2007-11-22T00:14:00.000-08:00

In his continuing efforts to avoid legislative branch oversight, Dick Cheney announced today that he is not a member of the human race and therefore not subject to laws that might apply to humans. Cheney�??s Chief of Staff, Lumpy Fartsworth, asserted yesterday that the Vice President will not release any classified documents because he is, in fact, a new species unrelated to to Homo sapiens. "Mr. Cheney has made it quite clear he is not a member of any noun that begins with the prefix homo!" declared Fartsworth from the behind a stall in the Senate Men's Room while tapping his feet vigorously.

One year ago Mr. Cheney had his own private stall built in the Senate by KBR under a no bid contract. It is called the Stall of Justice and has a defribulator and personal waterboarding device built right in to the toilet itself. This �??Stall of Justice�?? or SOJ will act as America�??s K-Y Jelly, keeping the republican thrust of freedom from tearing and bleeding. Just like Guantanamo, the SOJ operates well outside of both US and Jedi jurisdiction. Cheney's Stall also features amenities like encrypted e-mail, a cloned private army, a Viagra dispenser, mulitple big screen TVs tied in to surveillance cameras hidden in all citizens homes under arcane provisions of the patriot ax, a podium, as well as a modest Lipitor factory.

In this strange press conference, Mr. Cheney waddled into the stall and hopped onto the commode which was located behind a podium. He introduced himself as �??Imperial Commander of the Death Star, er, I mean Stall of Justice, and still the Shah of Iraq , the most magical place in the whole, wide world.�?? Mr. Cheney then held up one of his own feces and drew a picture of George Will with it on the wall.

�??From this day forward, you may call me Master." He stopped abruptly and tapped his feet under an adjacent stall. "I have dismembered the terrorist Democrats and hid their various body parts and organs in barrels of oil, the lucky citizen who finds Nancy Pelosi's head will win an all expense paid trip to Iraq with per diem and meals provided by MacHalliburton and an autographed copy of Mein Kampf!" Cheney then left the building and disappeared into the Vice Presidential limo, "Ambulance Two" with Batman in hot pursuit.

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ROVE TAKES NEW POSITION IN THE PRIVATE SECTOR

2007-08-13T22:27:00.000-07:00

Rove bids the American public whom he served a fond farewell

Washington D.C., amalgamated press -Political villain Carl Rove, known as "Bush's Brain' ( and we all know where his brain is located) resigned in an effort to escape prosecution amid calls for a lobotomy earlier this week. His new corporate position at Pilsbury begins immediately at an undisclosed salary.

If this thing pops out of your popin' fresh dough container,
toss it in a 450 degree oven immediately!

Rove was not removed forcefully from his White House Cabinet position
to take the heat off the other criminals still holed up inside.

In a related story, The White House has denied the rumor that
Vice President Dick Cheney has been recovering from brain surgery

"Look, just because I shot some rich lawyer clown in the face repeatedly with buckshot
doesn't necessarily mean I'm a dangerous sociopath.
The truth is, I got these stitches after I accidentally cut my head on the guillotine I have
in my torture chamber in the basement of the Vice Presidential Mansion.
And while I'm at it, I would just like to say to whoever on my staff took that jar with a frontal lobe in it in formaldehyde off my desk: that's not very funny."
Mr Cheney then got down on all fours and began barking like a dog.

In yet another related story The white House continues to deny
that Homeland Scrutiny Director Michael Chertoff is a blood sucking vampire.

Chertoff was asked why a roller skating rink in Poonrut, Kansas got the same amount of anti terrorist money as the entire state of New York.

The press conference ended abruptly when Helen Thomas held up a crucifix.

Home Scrutiny Director Michael Chertoff then returned to his office
after collecting bribes from various enemies of the state and feasting on the blood of virgins.

Who Are The Bush Base?

2007-08-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

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NATIONAL BUFFOON EXCLUSIVE REPORT:
BUSH'S BASE : Who Are These People?

With the presidential approval rating at an all time low,
and the credibility of the executive branch considered dubious at best-
particularly after the administration's recent announcement that Osama bin Laden narrowly eluded capture by an elite Special Forces unit led by
Wile E. Coyote, Yogi Bear, and Mr. Ranger.
A numbed nation sat in a catatonic stupor
as Pentagon sources confirmed
that Mr. Coyote was indeed one of several animated agents
who have been recruited to help force the will of
multinational corporations on stone age cultures around the world.
National Buffoon investigators have learned that
Sgt. Yogi Bear also had the elusive 7 ft tall terrorist on a dialysis machine
in his gun sight a month ago but was distracted by
an insurgent's pic- a- nic basket
according to Mr. Ranger, his commanding officer.
National Buffoon's Washington correspondent
Kent Clark went undercover
to interview the Bush faithful.
What makes this group tick?
What drives them to be so vocal and the rest of us to drink?
National Buffoon takes a look at
these few remaining supporters
wreaking havoc on the environment
with their constant release of hot air.
These are the people who would vote for him
without the aid of Diebold machines
even as he ransacked their homes,
killed their pets, and urinated on their floors.
Who Are These People? Indicting minds want to know!

I. Bin Brainwashed
Connedquiteeasy, Pa.
former steel factory owner
"Saddam caused 9/11...has wmds...
Give country to Mexicans... God is a pro corporate business republican
who hates gun control, lazy american workers, & 'dem homos...
Bush not moron... Bush good!"

Annie Eyesore III
Smogburns, Texas
Oil Heiress
"Ya might as well jest gimme all your money now
' ya pathetic tree humpin' liberals.
You been holdin' back daddy's company fer 2 long.... Now your gonna git it!!!!
Unca Dick sez dat we gonna keep Iraqi oil off da market till dem barrels are 500 bucks.
Ha Ha
Thanks Unca George!

Ook and Mook Oops
Yuma Guma, Arizona
Hunter - Gatherers
"Ug, look... fire come from tiny box!"

Mrs. Anita Enema
Severelyretarded, Fla.
Fanatic Christian right pamphlet distributor
"Watch Hannity yup watch Hannity gotta watch Hannity...."
Clanliness is next ta godliness...
Gonna bring on dat rupture thang uh yup yup.
There's some Jews hidin under my house I tell ya
they're just a waitin' fer Jesus ta come by so dey kin convert 'em.
Hey Rush, how much are you payin' dis week fer dem Oxys?
I need to raise some cash to pay for that image of Jesus
on a piece of toast I bought on e- bay last month.

Thor Higherthanallhell
Crack Town, Kentucky
In the distribution business
"Cough, hack, wow, go away man...
My boss pays me to vote fer republicans.
They're pro "business" if you know what I mean.
he gets his inventory direct from CIA black ops guys.
Cough, hack, righteous! "

Slosho Hammered
Whiskey Trail, Missouri
alcoholic
"Hic, yous knows erp I vote for whoever buys me Hic a bottle,buurrrpp."

Peter Puller
Wadstown, Ohio
lives in mothers basement
"Ma told me this would happen if I kept yankin it... geez."

Stark Ravincrazy
The home for the criminally insane, Baltimore, Maryland
Serial Killer "God told me to strangle my family,
machine gun a fast food joint, & vote for bush."

Bill O Really?
Lala Land
Windbag
"Clinton's Fault, (Geez I'd like to loompha that Greta Van Whatsername...) yup"

Luvmeinfuher
Latrine, Alabama
Dental Hygienist
" I cain't read but I thigkt I vuted fer 'em.
I ment ta vute fer David Duke, he's ma luver and ma cuzin.
(and ma granpaw). But Bush is just as good, YUP!"
I hates dem libs what Ann Coulter knows about.

Sean Hannity
Hooligan Skids, N.Y.
self-aggrandizing fascist tool
"After flunkin out of skool Ol' Jerry Falwell
gave me an honorary degree from his joint.
So let that be a lesson to all you kids out there.
You don't have to study no heathen science,
read no left wing text books or nothin' !
Just tow the line for bloated corporatist fascists
and intolerant ignoramus types and you'll go far.
I'm ready for my close up Mr. Ailes, I put dem fishnet stockings on just like you asked.....
Of course they do pay me to support the regime.
What's today's propagan...er.. I mean talking points Mr. Murdoch?"

Brutus Pain
Reemaway, N.J.
Pharmaceutical Sales, Amateur Surgeon
"Ha Ha Ho Ho He He..."

E. Silly Duped
plushytown, Con-necticut,
Professional of some sort
"I believed when Bush said he was going to take care of the wealthy
he meant people like me making 100,000 a year or so.
I think I'm in his elitist club but they laugh at me when I'm not looking.
I sure appreciated that 300 bucks he gave me as a bribe to look the other way
when he gave his corpulently wealthy cronies 350,000."

Goose Stepping Brownshirts
Everywhere
Para Military Wanabes
"We always go in for this sort of thing."
"All Heil Der Deciderer"

A. Jackass
Dumpsville, Virginia
Organic Fertilizer Specialist
"Hee Haw"

GIANT CHIMPS INVADE NEW YORK

2007-07-14T02:09:00.000-07:00

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A crowd of horrified New Yorkers look on as Giant Chimps attack the city.
The U.S. drops nukes on Busch Gardens Tampa Bay in retaliation.
The Decider has ordered all Curious George books burned.
Tarzan was beaten up by vigilantes.
Mike Nesmith and Mickey Dolenz have been incarcerated as enemy combatants.
Republicans vow to stop gay monkeys from getting married.
And Democrats offer amnesty to invading monkeys.

Pseudo Science Claims New Element

2007-06-28T23:51:00.000-07:00

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President Bush Signs

New Element Into Natural Law

Republican fair and balanced ® pseudo-scientists funded by
the fossil fuel & weapons industries
have announced a new atomic element,
taking advantage of a neo-con decree which states that
"all ideas conceived by two or more
rightwing extremists while duck hunting shall become law".

With the stroke of his executive decider pen,
president Bush created the first faith-based atomic element.

"Dickheadium exists," Bush stated with pleasure.
The new element, dickheadium,
is the heaviest of elements with an atomic weight of 666.
All of its subatomic particles are protons, which spin to the right
along an axis of evil, regardless of the relative viewpoint.
Even in minute quantities, dickheadium is lethal to all humans
who posses a measurable I.Q.
Dickheadium is an elixir for some generals,
supreme court justices, and presidents,
while, at the same time, is toxic to everyone
with an intact cerebral cortex.

Dickheadium is the only element to display kleptocratic tendencies-
-when let loose in the wild it relentlessly neutralizes
public funding for education, health care and social security.

Dickheadium 666 is radioactive, with a half-life equivalent to two terms of office.
It decays to neocondium 444
while throwing off deadly bursts of bigotrinos and fart gas.

Though data is still limited, bigotrinos are believed to damage
the speech centers of humans
turning some concepts upside-down.
For example,
an afflicted person may use "liberation" in place of "oppression"
and "defend" in place of "attack".
It has been shown that those unfortunate enough
to be exposed to afflicted hosts
often suffer mind numbing headaches and paralysis.

Everything Is Hazardous To Your Health

2007-06-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

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It's a dangerous world we live in.
Every day top doctors release startling new reports about stuff that can kill us.

Breathing causes heart murmurs, respiratory failure, & jock itch. Milk will give you gallstones, cerebral hemorrhages and frostbite.
The threat of bird flu is omnipresent. Walking a mile a day causes Mumps & Cancer. Breakfast gives you lupus. Sleeping causes vertigo.
listening to all this crap causes the painful itch and swelling of bipolar encephalitis.
Why, the poor Surgeon General is working overtime to warn us about the astonishing array of substances that may be "hazardous to your health."
Just today, he issued a report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine expanding the list of things that may cause cancer to include:

-- Asbestos Waffles
-- raw chinchilla meat balls
-- Bubonic Margarine
-- malignant cancer cell jelly
-- genetically engineered sushi
-- Marlboro brand cancer bread sticks
-- white chocolate Eminems
-- 3 mile island dressing
-- Haliburton brand "yellow cake" mix
-- Lawyers on T.V.
-- Soylent green chile
-- Wart off salad
-- water

Fortunately, we are also bombarded with news about medical breakthroughs guaranteed to help us
avoid the discomfort and inconvenience of premature death.
For example, National Buffoon's team of medical specialists has just learned that
people who consume 5,000 milligrams of crack each day are 32 percent less likely to suffer from rickets,
gangrene, or curvature of the liver. Possible side effects are death .
But if Pfizer or Squibb are on board you know FDA approval is just around the corner.

A Top Doctor

What If Fox News Were On The Air In The Past?

2007-06-27T04:36:00.000-07:00

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National Buffoon asks what if Rupert Murdoch were able to make a time machine out of an abandoned Bob's Big Boy restaurant? If the news network had been on the air in the past,
how might these giants of the broadcasting industry handled these top stories?
Let's have a look shall we?

The Titanic

The Invasion Of Troy

This just in, we've learned the Greeks are in fact
hiding inside the horse, and will be attempting to
infiltrate the city of troy after nightfall...

Civil Rights

The Civil War

The Great Depression

Only lazy bums would question President Hoovers economic policy.
Prosperity is just around the corner I tell ya'.
The Nazi's are your friends.
Poland wants to be invaded, really.
I am not a brainwashed parrot of the robber barons.
OOH!
And there definitely isn't a gerbil in my shorts.

The Crucifiction

The Big Bang

NATIONAL BUFFOON JUNE EDITION #2

2007-06-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

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White House to Cut Medicare and Social Security Costs by Shooting Elderly

WASHINGTON, DC �?? The White House today unveiled a new plan designed to cut rising Medicare and Social Security costs by shooting the elderly dead in their tracks.

�??We�??re very enthusiastic about this one,�?? said spokesman Tony Snowjob. �??Obviously, it�??s modeled on recent events. Our plan differs slightly from Dick Cheney�??s inspired shooting of his hunting buddy, Harry Whittington, though. Mr. Whittington is a rich Republican attorney.
We�??ll be targeting the old, poor, and infirm Democrats.�??

Senate Democrats expressed concern about the plan. �??It does seem a bit extreme,�?? said Harry Reid, �??particularly to a man my age. But we will certainly avoid any direct confrontation with our friends from across the aisle. Rather, we plan to cave in after putting on a brief, disorganized show of opposition. We�??ve found that works best .�??

The plan, which would involve distribution of free ammunition and beer to hunters throughout the nation, could be up and running within a year.

Vice President Cheney praised the new approach during a speech to the American Enterprise Institute. �??I think it�??s a good solution all the way around. Medicare and Social Security expenses are rising through the roof. At the same time, many hunters are running out of game because of rampant logging and over-development. I know, because I was behind opening public lands to such development. The truth is that many folks lack the opportunity that I did to bravely hunt down dangerous quail from a car. This plan will support the patriotic urge to kill while also helping the nation save money.�??

The American Medical Association expressed reservations about the plan. �??We admit that treating senior citizens can be complex,�?? said an AMA spokesman. �??The real challenge lies in diagnosing, curing, and getting them out the office door in the ten minutes allowed by HMOs. Have you ever seen how slowly some of these people move? But we do find the Medicare plan somewhat disturbing. Why, it�??s almost as if this administration places no value on human life.�??

Countered RNC Chairman, Ken Mehlman, �??We have a culture of life, especially wealthy life. Is there any other kind worth living? These elderly folks squeaking by on Social Security and Medicare are suffering because they lack that wealth. What we�??re talking about here is the quality of life. Certainly we care about the elderly. That�??s why our compassionate conservative goal is to put them out of their lingering misery. Plus, they�??ll be contributing to the health of our economy, which is a noble goal at any age.�??

AARP President, Marie Smith, was disturbed by the plan. �??After all, we�??re an association of retired people. Our mandate is to make a fortune supposedly representing older folks. Opening fire on those very same folks could significantly cut down on our membership dues. We believe that it�??s better to kill seniors slowly by making sure their prescription drugs are too expensive to buy. We worked closely together with both the administration and pharmaceutical companies on this approach. It�??s just a shame to see all that self-serving effort go to waste.�??

Patriotic hunters preparing to take on elderly issue

Smith Wesson of the Weekend Warriors, a Virginia-based hunting association, was upbeat. �??Many of us are quite pleased with this new approach. It�??s certainly a lot more fun and challenging to hunt old folks than quail, with all due respect to the Vice President. I mean, realistically, some of these old dudes are pretty spry. Plus, the alert ones can be pretty sharp about evasive action and hiding. "We expect some challenging hunts. It�??ll have all the excitement of a tour in Iraq -- a war that I strongly support, by the way, though I have no intentions of ever enlisting."

NATIONAL BUFFOON JUNE EDITION

2007-06-23T20:34:00.001-07:00

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BUSH PROMISES ALIENS AMNESTY

Top Secret Area 51, Nevada - Bush granted amnesty to the gray guy from Alpha Centauri 5a
who has spent the last 50 years floating in formaldehyde inside a specimen jar.
The aliens are required to work in Walmarts and meat packing plants
in the midwest for 50 cents a day.

Bush also agreed to send registered democrats to Alpha Centauri
for anal probes & mysterious implants as part of the deal.
Carl Rove said the Bush camp was against gray marriages,
and continues fighting for a constitutional amendment banning them
in an effort to continue duping right wingers into supporting
the continued rape & pillage of the U.S.
and the entire planet by this administration & their friends.