NATIONAL BUFFOON

The Dangers of Solar Energy

2012-01-29T03:18:00.000-08:00

By National Buffoon Science Editor I. M. Akook

Many progressive groups and individuals are proposing that government spend hard earned tax money on research and development of systems to utilize solar energy. They are urging construction of vast solar energy collectors to convert dangerous solar radiation into electricity to supply our energy needs. They would even put solar collectors on roofs of homes, factories, schools, and other buildings. Proponents of this technology claim that energy obtained from the sun will be safer and cleaner than coal, oil, or nuclear energy sources.

We view these proposals with alarm. Unscrupulous scientists and greedy promoters are hoodwinking the gullible public. We consider it rash and dangerous to commit our country to the use of solar energy. This solar technology has never been utilized on such a large scale, and there is no assurance of its long-range safety. Not one single study has been done to assess the safety of electricity from solar energy as compared to electricity from other sources! Not one!

The promoters of solar energy would have you believe that it is perfectly safe. Yet they conveniently neglect to mention that solar energy is generated by nuclear fusion! This process operates on the very same basic laws of nuclear physics used in nuclear power plants and atomic bombs!
And what is the source of this energy? It is hydrogen, a highly explosive gas (remember the Hindenberg?) Hydrogen is also the active material in H-bombs, that are not only tremendously destructive, but produce dangerous fallout! The glib advocates of solar energy don't even mention these disturbing facts about the true sources of solar energy. What else are they hiding from us?

In addition to the known dangers cited above, what about the unknown dangers, that very well might be worse? When pressed, scientists will admit that they do not fully understand the workings of the sun, or even of the atom. They will even grudgingly admit that our knowledge of the basic laws of physics is not yet perfect or complete. Yet these same reckless scientists would have us use this solar technology even before we fully understand how it works.

The evidence is already clear that too much exposure to sunlight can cause skin cancer. But solar collectors would concentrate that sunlight (that otherwise would have fallen harmlessly on waste land), convert it to electricity and pipe it into our homes to irradiate us from every light bulb! We would then not even be safe from this cancer-producing energy even in our own homes!
We all know that looking at the sun for even a few seconds can cause blindness. What long term health hazards might result from reading by light derived from solar energy? We now spend large amounts of time looking at the light from television monitors or computer screens, and one can only imagine the possible long-term consequences of this exposure when the screens are powered with electricity from solar collectors. Will we develop cataracts, or slowly go blind? Not one medical study has yet addressed itself to this question, and none are planned.
In their blind zeal to plug us in to solar energy, scientists seem to totally ignore possible fire hazards of solar energy. Sunlight reaching us directly from the sun at naturally safe levels poses little fire threat. But all one has to do is concentrate sunlight, with a simple burning- glass, and it readily ignites combustible materials. Who would feel safe with solar energy concentrators on their roof? Could we afford the fire insurance rates?
These scientists, and the big corporations that employ them, stand to profit greatly from construction of solar-power stations. No wonder they try to hide the dangers of the technology and suppress any open discussion of them.

Tokyo Knows All Too Well The Dangers Of Radiation

Proponents of solar energy present facts, figures and graphs to support their claim that energy from the sun will be less expensive, as conventional fuel supplies dwindle and technology of solar energy systems improve. But even if this is so, what will stop the solar energy equipment manufacturers and solar power companies from raising prices when they achieve a monopoly and other fuel sources disappear?
We might be willing to tolerate some small risk—if solar energy really represented a permanent solution to our energy problems. But that is not the case. At best, solar energy is only a temporary band-aid. Recent calculations indicate that the Sun will go out in a billion years as its fuel runs out. Wouldn't it be better to put our human resources and scientific brains to work to find a safer and more permanent solution to our energy needs?

Solar radiation may cause the human species to mutate!

The GOP Loony Bin

2012-01-05T05:40:00.000-08:00


Apparently no sane person would want to be President of the U.S.A.

You have to feel sorry for Americans, first all their jobs were shipped out to unregulated sweatshops in countries where labor and life are dirt cheap. Then the corporate cartels and Wall Street Banksters who benefited from the job heist, speculated in the real estate market causing a bubble that collapsed the values of the one thing middle class families had equity in...their homes. As if that wasn't enough, just to add insult to injury the same white collar thugs who robbed the nation blind demanded reimbursement from the very people they robbed to replace the capital they lost betting against America, playing "time bomb" with worthless "instruments" they concocted, running Ponzi Schemes, and "price-fixing" markets. Now to add salt to the wounds of voters; already despondent, dismayed, beaten down, and battered from mismanagement and plain old idiocy from their government representatives, they have been forced to endure 2 zillion debates and endless jaw flapping from the GOP B Team. That's right, you heard right, even though the economy is in shambles which means the sitting president historically is toast, the best and brightest of the opposition are making like ostriches and burying their heads under ground. No one with half a brain is remotely interested in presiding over what is being done to America right now. ENTER THE "B" TEAM...a bunch of loser misfits unable to form coherent sentences, let alone a policy that might be helpful, or at least not harmful.

Yes, it's the B team....unlike the TV show or Movie of a similar name, this ragtag collection of ne'r-do-wells don't help anyone but themselves, are not mindlessly entertaining to anyone but the Koch Brothers & Rupert Murdoch, always are fighting for injustice, and don't even know how to operate a van.

Taking a cue from the B team, other candidates have stuck with Hollywood themes as well to sell themselves to the extremists er uh, I mean voters.

The Shining

In Gastrointestinal Productions release called

"Lustin' Power- Man of Misogyny", Candidate Newt Gingrich plays" Dr. Evil"
to mixed reviews.

Meanwhile back in Michele's Bat Cave sometimes called the house of representatives,
Bat Boy Cantor swings into action delivering blow after blow to those criminals who had the unmitigated audacity not to be billionaires. "These bastards have had it far too easy" he said while using a tree saw to slit the throat of a senior citizen applying for Medicare.

Earlier the fellow who bought all the leftover QT instant tanning cream on E - Bay
Starred in his own production of "Much Ado About Nothing".
The critics were brutal, calling it the worst performance ever.

After Failing at the box office with his first effort as Dr. Evil,

Newt began trying to con people into buying used junker ideas.

Yeah, it was only used once by an old lady in Pasadena.

Newt supports eliminating child labor laws so those damned moocher children can be used as indentured slaves. Again he got the idea from watching a movie...."Oliver Twist".

Yeah! Put dem little bastards to work! The bums!

Movie goers have seen this plot before. The original release was foul enough.
But a sequel? No way.

But the big "surprise" box office thrust was from Rick Santorum
who starred in a double feature that swept Iowa off it's feet
when he came from behind with these 2 double features.
His crappy remake called
Ricky & The Chocolate Factory...

And his stunning role in his own cheap remake of Tarantino's film
"Insidious Bastards"

(In this version, there is a plot to throw Hitler a birthday party).

After poor ticket sales the Bachmann Show closed and she went home.

The Perry Show was continued for some reason however.
Probably because the Koch Brothers who produce the show

have nothing better to do with their money.

When the theater rain has been used up, and the stagehands have all gone home,

the box office bombs will have become mere bad memories of a stench,
it will be Mitt Romney making the curtain call....not that his act is good mind you.
It is not.
However he is the only production out there capable of delivering his lines.
He can put a few words together to form a sentence.
All the other "stars" will be in rehab.
At the end of the day there is no other GOP choice.

But there is one other possible outcome.

The GOP may be forced to run the only candidates they seem to have who would appeal to voters in a general election. You know, the ones who realize an erection is not "personal growth".
In early polling, The Kraken-Cthulhu team actually pulls nearly 50% of both Republicans & Democrats!

GOP
This is your best chance of winning.
Run these guys and you may just take the White House.
Of course they will eat you.
But winning is all that really matters.

Happy New Year!- Traditions

2011-12-30T21:25:00.000-08:00

New Year’s is just hours away, so it’s time ask yourself the question: What are you going to do? Yes you! What are YOU to do? Around the world there are many traditions, here is a history and some of the more interesting variations on New Year’s Eve celebrations. Mix and match! Do what you like!

Changing your underwear at midnight is a tradition in many countries.
Red if your hoping for love, yellow for money.

In 1907 Adolph Ochs, who was the publisher of The New York Times, requested the paper’s chief electrician built a 700-pound ball out of wood and iron. He fitted it with 100 25-watt light bulbs, and it was lowered from a flagpole atop One Times Square as midnight hit. Everyone was delighted...of course everyone who saw it had a good buzz on and would be delighted by most anything.

In 1920, the ball was upgraded to a 400-pound model made of wrought iron. The ball-dropping ceremony in Times Square continued uninterrupted until 1942 when there was no event due to the World War II-era “dim-out” of the New York City skyline. This lasted 2 years. The Ball returned in 1944.

The iron ball was upgraded again in 1955. This time it was one made from aluminum, which weighed only 200 pounds. The same aluminum ball with different sorts of lighting configurations were dropped until 1998.

The ball made the first of what would become a plethora of changes over the next decade. The 2000 ball was built by Waterford Crystal, it had a six-foot diameter and weighed 1,070 pounds. And the spectacle has continued to increase—the 2009 version of the ball had a 12-foot diameter and weighed more than 11,000 pounds! Despite the weight, the many lights on the ball had become dynamic and computer controlled. No longer was the ball a beacon; now it was a light show. The combination of tradition and technology ushered the Times Square ball into the second decade of this century. An improvement I would suggest would be to drop it on Rupert Murdoch's head. But that may be asking too much.

IF you were born and raised in the US, you might think that fireworks and dropping glass spheres is normal. But you’re merely used to it. Here are some of the traditions for the holiday from other spots:

In Sao Paulo, Brazil’s largest city, New Year’s Eve is all about lucky underpants. People go for red if they’re looking for love and yellow if they’re after some extra cash.

To celebrate the New Year in Finland people cast molten tin into containers of water and, when the tin hardens, take its perceived shape as an indicator of how the coming year will go. For instance, a heart or ring shape signifies a wedding, and a pig shape (which is a very specific shape to glean from hardened tin, but we digress) stands for lots of food.

Panamanians burn effigies of public figures, called munecos. The idea is the effigies stand for the old year; destroying them leads the way into the new one. We could have some fun with that here. Imagine disfiguring a model of, say, a Yankees pitcher, and then dancing around it, celebrating.

· In Belarus unmarried women participate in a game in which piles of corn are placed in front of each one. A rooster is released, and whichever girl’s corn pile it goes to first will be the first to marry in the coming year. (the entire population of Brazil is looking down at its red underpants and heaving a great sigh of relief).

Spaniards eat 12 grapes as midnight approaches to ensure prosperity over the next 12 months.

Many Danish leap off chairs at midnight, hoping to ban all bad spirits in the new year. They also break dishes. People throw their old dishes on their friends’ doors on New Years and the one with the most dishes outside their door, er...uh,,, has the most friends.

Germans and Austrians similar to Finland, pour lead as a tradition, this includes using molten lead like tea leaves. The lead pieces are poured into a bowl filled with water, when it hardens, the forms predict what is going to happen in the new year. If the lead forms a ball it means good luck, if it looks like an anchor it means you will need help, and if it’s a cross it means death.

In Ecuador, the New Years fiesta includes all the locals gathering together with pictures that represent something you do not want in the new year from the last year and burning it. This strikes me as a great idea!

In the city of Talca, Chili, people all go visit the graveyard, set up their chairs and wait for the year to arrive with the dead. (I think I'll pass on this one, though I do appreciate the concept...I'll honor the dead some other night thanks).

Mistletoe leaves are placed under a pillow to get a mate in Ireland.

New Year eve is considered the best time to communicate with the dead spirits in Mexico.
In the Philippines, the wearing of polka dots and eating round things is the norm.

One very strange tradition since 1972 every single year, on midnight Germans watch the British show “Dinner for One.” The origin of the tradition is unknown, but it is so popular that even the punch line “same procedure every year” now is a catch phrase in Germany.

Well no matter how bad you think you may have had it this year,

chances are good you can be thankful your not this guy!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2011 - THE YEAR IN REVIEW - Part 2

2011-12-29T03:59:00.000-08:00

Herman Cain Non-Victims Come Forward

Sure, bizarre presidential hopeful Herman Cain was dogged by allegations of sexual harassment, but this year he urged Santa, and the American public, to think of all the ladies that he hasn't molested. Some of the millions of women Cain definitely didn't harass have bravely come forward. As they point out, he made inappropriate advances toward only about 90 women, That's only 0.000000214 percent of the world's entire female population. Cain claimed he's shown impressive restraint.

Republican Presidential candidate and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney drew criticism today when, at a campaign stop in Iowa, he implied that not only are corporations people, they are actually super humans. Speaking at a luncheon sponsored by "Iowans for Any White Guy or Even Bachmann as Long as She Promises Not to Do Anything Once Elected" (Results of a recent National Buffoon poll indicate that 98% of Americans blame corporate greed for the the nation’s high unemployment, the collapse of the housing market and that third Transformers movie.) Romney said “Compared to corporations, my friend, regular people suck. Corporations do the big things like support my candidacy, avoid paying taxes, rape the environment and, let’s be fair, a corporation was responsible for the first two Transformers movies. Corporations are what made America big.”

Asked if his rosy view of corporations might hurt him in the general election, Romney fell back on talking points that have been part of his stump speech for months. “I can’t worry about what the American people think. The only opinions that matter to me are my own, whatever they are, and those of corporate Americans, like Mr. Exxon and Mr. and Mrs. Dow Chemical. They’re the everyday, hard working, corporate jet flying real heroes who are going to get me elected, not some unemployed steel worker who isn’t worth billions.”

OCCUPY MAINSTREET

Bankers from across Wall Street stormed out of their jobs before flying in private jets across the country to San Francisco and other cities where they declared that they were protesting the anti-corporate agenda of liberal America. The bankers, who represent every major financial institution on Wall Street, demanded more government bailouts and larger bonuses. Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase said "If you people would just reduce my taxes, maybe we would be out of the recession already. How the hell am I supposed to live on $21 million a year?"

The protests began in earnest after traders at Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley discovered that their bonuses would not be increased this year. "We have put up with the liberal agenda long enough," thundered Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein over a bullhorn to admiring bankers. "Wall Street can't afford four more years of Obama." "Doesn't the President know that we are job creators?" asked Moynihan rhetorically. "I mean, not me personally...I just fired 130,000 people, but people who look like me."

With signs of "Profits Over People" and "Support Corporate Greed," the bankers defiantly asserted that they would continue the protest and remain on the streets until their demands were met. Immediately afterwards, the bankers adjourned to the Four Seasons Hotel for a five-course meal. Numerous Wall Street firms reserved several floors of the luxury hotel for their bankers to rest after a long day of protesting. Although the bankers had taken the night off, they made clear that the protest was still ongoing. "The residents of San Francisco and other cities better not get too comfortable," said Moynihan after finishing a dessert of creme brulee. "We have hired thousands of stand-ins for tomorrow's protest and private armies to protect them."

Gingrich Shows Up At Black Caucus

Horny & Drunk

Republicans’ efforts to bridge the gap between their party and minority voters (who overwhelmingly support Democrats) suffered a major setback yesterday after Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told a gathering of the Black Congressional Caucus, “African Americans will always be part of the fabric of American exceptionalism, but for my money, Asian hookers are the hottest and I brought a couple with me.”
Gingrich showed up unannounced at the Caucus’ weekly breakfast gathering because, “When I heard you were serving a crab omelet with parmesan cheese and bacon bits, I realized I care about the issues African Americans face in these tough economic times. Pass the ketchup boy.” After taking advantage of the breakfast buffet, Gingrich spilled milk on himself, burped, and gave an impromptu speech in which he called for “an America where everybody has a chance to succeed especially hot Asian Americans.” Gingrich’s remarks were not well received among members of the party leadership who have been pushing for a more big tent approach leading into the 2012 elections. Republican National Committee Chairman, Reince Priebus, called Gingrich to remind him that the GOP would prefer to keep its hatred of minorities a secret until after the elections. Priebus chastised Gingrich for “raising the issue of race in America when we’re still trying to figure out how to keep those people from voting.” Gingrich responded by releasing an amateur video that he says is proof he loves minorities.

Congress’ opinion of Americans
is at an all time low

According to a poll conducted by National Buffoon, Congress’ approval rating of the American people at a paltry -3% - exactly the same rating that Americans gave Congress.
Congressmen and women gave several reasons for their low opinions of Americans. House Majority Leader Eric Cantor said he hates Americans “because they’re idiots if they think I’m going to do what’s right for the country when I came here to make a difference in the lives of people who really matter, ...me.”
Turtlehead Mitch McConnell said “We should just throw all those bums out and get some new Americans in there who will elect a Congress that will put the interests of my Fossil Fuel Industry sponsors ahead of the interests of that other, crappier batch of Americans whom we should just throw the hell out".
"Bums, I tell you!”
Emotionally unstable orange man John Boehner expressed his disgust with the American people by disagreeing with Nancy Pelosi . “Whatever Pelosi said, I’m against it! Now, regarding my opinion of the American people, They suck, and Pelosi sucks!” ,
Nancy Pelosi, was one of the few who thinks the American people are doing a reasonable job. “Let’s be fair. Americans aren’t the brightest bunch ever to come down the pike, but they do have one thing going for them. They hate Congress, so they can't be all that bad”

Santorum Is Now Dick
Rick Santorum announced from his rubber room campaign headquarters that he is now officially a "Dick".
"I am tired of the whole google thing, so I changed my name, so that when people think of me, they’ll think of Dick rather than that frothy mix stuff. When they see him debate next time, they’ll be all ‘Dick sure is taking a beating!’ or ‘Wow, that Dick has balls!’ or ‘Holy Crap! Did Bachmann just cut off Dick?!’ Anyway, the name suits me as most people tell me "you've always been a total Dick.”
Santorum told National Buffoon “Look, I’m just glad to finally put that disgusting ‘Google Santorum’ stuff behind me. Oh, crap, what the hell am I saying? What I mean is this has been a huge pain in my ass.",

Perry Announced His 666 Plan
Texas Governor and GOP Presidential hopeful Rick Perry revealed his new economic plan. He called it “Rick Perry's Yee-Haw Awesome 666 plan,” seems to have been directly influenced by Herman Cain's controversial “999” plan, though altered to accommodate Perry's personal flair. “This 666 plan will fix up your economy faster an' a Texas Governor can threaten to secede from the United States while throwing a hissy-fit about healthcare” said Perry during a press conference. “And it ain't nothin' like that Herman Cain guy's 999 plan. This one was made up by a white guy! Perry's plan uses the same principal as Herman Cain's plan, but with a few twists. He's calling for a 6% flat income tax rate across the board, a 6% federal sales tax (similar to the “VAT” consumption tax in the United Kingdom), and to top it all off, he'd like to execute 6% of the population of the United States.

Congress Launches War on the "99 Percenters", Claims Poor Have WMD

The United States military launched a massive ground invasion of poor and middle class communities throughout New York City early this morning after Congress authorized the use of class warfare against the "99 Percenters," a decentralized military organization that has occupied strategic outposts in several major cities over the past month. "We can no longer sit idly by while these economic terrorists continue to occupy our country," screamed House Speaker John Boehner in a special joint session of Congress to discuss the war resolution. "Indeed, we have overwhelming evidence that suggests this mysterious organization has employed a variety of weapons of mass destruction with the expressed intent of destroying this nation." Susan Rice, the current U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, was directed to garner international support for the operation by supplying evidence that the "99 Percenters" were procuring financial WMDs. During the presentation to the U.N. Security Council, Rice displayed numerous photos of poor people using food stamps, accepting unemployment benefits and paying for medical care with Medicaid. "Clearly, these photos conclusively prove the desire of the '99 Percenters' to bring pinko John Lennonism to our nation said Rice to the audience at the United Nations. Despite the presentation, many countries were skeptical of the claims. Some, including Michel Martelly, the President of Haiti, said the United States should end all hostilities immediately and begin negotiated peace settlements. "Poor people should never be treated this way," said Martelly. Boehner, however, remained defiant on the righteousness of the cause, countering, "what does Haiti know about poor people, anyway?" The military is officially calling the attack a counter-offensive operation designed to relieve pressure on besieged economic infrastructure that might be offended if they saw some protesters or worse yet an actual poor person.. Major Wall Street buildings have been surrounded by the enemy forces for weeks, and supply lines of caviar have been completely cut off. Senior Republican staffers on Capitol Hill argued that if the siege was not lifted soon, all of southern Manhattan could fall. NBC News's chief foreign correspondent Richard Engle reported from inside the headquarters of Citigroup earlier this week that their supplies of Fois Gras and Dom Perignon were running dangerously low. If supply lines could not be reopened by the end of the week, they would be forced to resort to filet mignon and Jack Daniels for sustenance. "Things are bleak inside the siege zone," said Engle during an interview. "Morale has been running low even since Citigroup announced their third quarter earnings. They only made $3.8 billion in profit. I've never seen it this bad before." It's of great concern House Majority Leader Eric Cantor made it clear that the United States would not negotiate with terrorists and would not stop until the war was won. "We've been fighting this war successfully for 30 long years, and this is their last desperate attempt to change the tide of the battle," said Cantor. "But God as my witness, we will not stop until all taxes are eliminated on every wealthy Wall Street Investment Banker."

GOP Elementary School Debate

Ends in One Gold Star, Dozens of Frowny-Faces

The GOP presidential rivals met up at a Des Moines, Iowa elementary school for another of the 1,294 presidential debates scheduled to take place prior to primary voting. Sat at school desks before a panel of grade school teachers, Herman Cain, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, and 67 other GOP candidates hoping to sell their books garnering all the free publicity compared their regressive tax plans, their hatred for President Obama, and their broad level of understanding of American history and contemporary foreign policy. Here are some of the highlight answers from the debate.

For the question “Who was the first President of the United States,” Mitt Romney was the only candidate to answer correctly, saying “George Washington” after a lengthy pause. Most of the other candidates, however, answered with Ronald Reagan, with the exception of Herman Cain, who was too busy hitting on one of the cafeteria workers. When asked to point at Iran on a map of the Middle East, Rick Perry was the only candidate to answer correctly, after having closed his eyes, loudly sang the theme song to “Rawhide,” spun in a circle four times, and stuck his finger down blindly on the map. Meanwhile, Michele Bachmann answered that she wasn't quite sure where Iran was, but that she was sure President Obama was born there. Santorum yelled "There are no gays in Iran! I know that."

Immediately following the Iran question, the candidates were shown an image of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and were asked to identify him. Rick Perry asked if he “was that dude in Die Hard, Hans Gruber.” Michele Bachmann yelled “gesundheit!” and began explaining her plans to build not one, not two, but eight electrified fences between the United States and Mexico, with a mile-wide moat running the full length of the border, which would be filled with battery acid, and other liquids that are essentially the same thing. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney suggested Ahmadinejad looked a little like Rick Perry. Then the candidates were asked to bob for a dollar in a 350 degree deep fat fryer which all unfortunately survived. In the end, Mitt Romney won a gold star for his correctly answering “George Washington” early on in the debate, and six smiley faces for various other answers, making him last evening's clear debate winner. Herman Cain meanwhile had earned four smiley faces, but no gold stars, for all the times he responded to questions by grinning creepily in slow motion. Rick Perry and the others, vowed to no longer participate in debates after a series of shoddy performances, came in tied for third place, with one smiley face for managing to respond to many of the debate questions without once pooping their pants.

America Abandons Space Program, Expects McDonalds To Take Over
The US government is literally handing over most everything to a handful of corporate entities.
Haliburton will take over the Dept. Of Energy.
Exxon will now own the Dept. Of The Interior.
AT&T will own the FCC.
Rupert Murdoch will own the Dept. Of Education.
The Government itself will be a minor division of Goldman Sachs.
Other Important Events Of 2011
Britain Went Broke Throwing A Wedding Party
Japan was nearly destroyed by a big wave...
Japan was destroyed by a nuclear accident

Libyans overthrew and killed Muammar Qaddafi

(though not for being a brutal dictator, rather; for having an unforgivably bad sense of fashion.)

National Buffoon's Season's Greetings!

2011-12-23T00:16:00.000-08:00

We the staff at National Buffoon,
would like to share
some of the magic and warmth
that always seems to find it's way into our hearts
this time of year.
From all of us
to all of you,
here is our special Holiday Treat!
Enjoy!!!

May all your eggs be nogged!

Still More Of The Worst Xmas Card Photos Ever!!!

2011-12-19T03:53:00.000-08:00

Ok now this makes the snow on the outside windowsill look warm and inviting!
This sort of foreshadows that whole Emo thing doesn't it?
All they need is some black lipstick.
Maybe Santa will bring them some.
I think the plants liven up the shot.

Well here's another poster family for Prozac.
Pop has found the pattern in the area rug remarkably fascinating.
The kid in the middle is strangling a dachshund.
While the kid on the end is hyp-mo-tized!
Is that an oven used for cremation where they are sitting?

What does the civil war, the south sea islands, and hot dogs have in common?
No, seriously, what does the civil war, the south sea islands, and hot dogs have in common?

Why would anyone want a picture of themselves with some guy in a bloody apron?
Why would they send it in a greeting card?
According to the site I found this on, the kid & mom were at a Civil War re-enactment.
Still...why?

The importance of not being seen?
These people hatched from those shrubs!

Um...the point of a phony backdrop is make it appear as if your actually there.
I think the concept was lost on these folks.

These kids had to have grown up to be serial killers.

Oh, the humanity!

The standards at Buckingham Palace have gone way down.
Damn, that's awful.

He is “the most interesting geriatric in world.”
A good suit and tie should last 10 years….
Who is this guy? This is hilarious.

Keep Fest in Festivus.

Well they couldn't afford a cheesy angel treetopper this year

so little johnny here will be getting a tree up his butt shortly.

I guess "Don" had the good sense to be the one taking the picture as opposed to being in it.
Another advertisement for anti-depressants.

There is no excuse for this!

The only one not closing their eyes appears to simply be some guy who just wandered into the photo.

The kid on the left is the only one with decency.

Putting the dis in dysfunctional!
More Prozac please.

Deter there has a public access dance show in Germany.

You just know they are listening to achy breaky heart...

How do we loathe this photo? Let us count the ways.

The monkey committed suicide shortly after the photo shoot.

Oh great, a goth xmas...may your days be dreary and black!
And may all your prescriptions be Prozac...
Santa committed suicide shortly after this.

Yes,it's the Johnson's again...wish they'd stop sending us those cards.

Bad AND creepy!
No...there is another. Let's hope as stupid, she is not.
Never underestimate the powers of the dark side. Or Regis Philbin.

Ever since the economic meltdown, it's cheaper to hire foreigners
to decorate rather than buy a tree.

Well there is some truth in advertising.
Anyone who would wear that tee shirt is a huge tool.

Damn....zombies!

"Brains...must ...eat...brains".

Peas On Earth - More Awful Holiday Decor, Cards, & More!!! More!!! More!!!

2011-12-16T03:50:00.000-08:00

By National Buffoon Editor,
Benjamin New, Esq.

Well it's been nearly a week since we collected enough awful seasonal doo-dads to post a page about them here at the National Buffoon. It appears that during the intervening days, lead-based paint supplies have run dangerously low as more Chinese factories have come online, flooding the markets with with even more ugly retina-singing awfulness which should be kept away from small children and ideally everyone with functioning frontal lobes as well.

The War On Christmas-The Battle of Epiphany

Santa has been targeted with Weapons of Midnight Mass Destruction
Time to fire up your Intercontinental Bellistic Mistletoes!
Peas On Earth, and pass the ammo
indoctrinate the young ones.

Grease Light Up Holograph

According to the product description, this god awful ornament “lights up and plays part of ‘Hopelessly Devoted to You’.It holographic pictures that change scenes, a very unique ornament for the Grease fan.”

It is our experience that anything that lights up while playing a song should immediately be hurled down a long flight of stairs or dropped from a balcony.

Two words: ‘Grease fire’.

The Holy Hot Dog

Nothing invokes the miracle and proper spirit of Christmas quite like intestinal casings filled with scrap meat, lips, and sodium nitrite rendered in glass. According to the product description, this magical ‘old world’ gift ( picture Medieval craft guilds offering this up to some particularly despised supernatural ne'r do well) is “glittered for you to enjoy and cherish as a holiday heirloom”. If by “cherish as a holiday heirloom”, the people who wrote this mean “sell at a yard sale for 5 cents come spring”, then, yes, it could be used in that manner.

Don't We Usually Just Recycle These Things?

If you buy a hundred of these things and litter your mantle with them,
Scrooge will be visited by the Ghost of Andy Warhol.

(Whether the split-pea soup version is equally collectible remains to be seen).
According to the product description this retails for $8 US. and
it has ‘Never been displayed’...we hope this holiday tradition continues.

The Traditional Decapitated Teddy Bear

It's basically your good old-fashioned stuffed teddy bear with a standard light bulb fixture
and a lampshade where its head ought to be. Perfect for prepubescent serial killers.

Once In Royal David's Butcher Shop

What could possibly be more festive than fake pork?

Spare No Expense

Literally...no expense whatsoever, you can find these in the dumpster behind any Dunkin' Donuts.
Stick a bit of ribbon from some gift you received last year and viola!
Imagine the faces of those who receive such a wondrous thoughtful (if not ponderous) gift!

Christmas Is In The Air

...And in the crapper.
Imagine your tree all decked out with plumbing and poop themed ornaments!
Is this the origin of the yule log?
(Santa Claus is going)

O Come All Ye Faithful

Don't tell me the makers of this candle didn't realize
this is how it would look if you burned it.
(Santa Claus is coming)

Chet's Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire

Phallus Navidad?

The Little Dumper Boy

This is not photoshopped. In parts of Spain defecating is part of the Christmas tradition.
They include this in their manger scenes. Really!
God's restroom ye merry gentlemen.

Christmas Excitement!

Ding Dong Merrily On High?

Xmas Card Photo Public Service Announcement

from the The Dribblers

Don't forget to shake!

Apparently Santa Is Bad Sometimes Too.

Did someone cold cock Santa for giving them a crappy present?
Or perhaps one of the naughty girls Dads didn't like Santa's candy cane gift.
Or maybe he just got drunk the night before and fell on a lawn sprinkler.

Aghh!

I sure hope this gift is returnable.

God Awful Gifts - Unbelievably Bad Tokens Of Seasonal Anti-Joy!

2011-12-09T02:02:00.001-08:00

Yes, there is nothing quite like an awful gift. It's not really the gift itself you see.

Nor is it the thought that matters.

What matters is the look of bewildered disgust or horror on the recipient's face.

This is what the season is really all about.

WTF? This is Stank! What rotten rat bastard would do such a thing?

This leads us to bad gift giving tip #1.

Be sure you give the gift of laughter anonymously.

Unless you want to receive it in the form of a re-gift, or enjoy a bloody nose.

Don't give this one to anyone you know who is conjoined....they might actually be able to use it which would take all the fun out of "giving".

Yes, and who wouldn't want one of these? You know you want it. Yup. Especially funny when given to seniors who have difficulty walking anyway. Imagine the laughs! "I've fallen and I can't get up!" Ha ha .


The Japanese Snuggie

Snuggies are for people who find operating a blanket to be challenging.

A Rock. Cheap and effective. Just be sure your out of the pitching range of the recipient when they open it.

Fruitcakes. Useless enough. But an inflatable fruitcake can be mailed in a standard envelope!

Ah. The military command post doll house! Always a favorite! So lifelike.

For someone who really blows...or is a snotty sort.

If they actually use it their nose will get sore too!

The bottle top Menorah, sure to de-"light" all.

The Pope Keychain...actually is a dicta-phone as well. You can record short notes to yourself.
Yes, leaders of major religions do belong dangling from your car keys.

Yes! Those annoying pets! Always wanting your attention or worse...your affection. Now you can just have this cheesy robot thing pet them. Even funnier if given to someone who has no pets! Double the WTF quotient!

Razor Blade Soap...Show them you really don't care!

You want this! Four!

Yeah...tidy whiteys too!

Make sure to wrap the thing really bad. This is important.

Down the hatch then!

Nothing like a wreath with a cheap cardboard cutout of Perry Como's head stuck to it with duct tape.
The only thing better is if his actual head is used.

Don't bother giving this to any tea party types...they may actually use them.

Now this is a universally offensive gift! Give it to one and all!

The ever unpopular Reindeer Orgy Holiday Sweater!

My personal favorite! The Officer Pike Occupy Bethlehem Sweater!

Yes this fake beard is far less conspicuous than a cup or something for drinking. A perennial stinker.

Remember, it's the thrill and happiness a gift brings to it's recipient that we are here to avoid!
Look at these two...look at the warmth and joy they exude! Ah Christmas, yes the best time of year for heartless pranks!

These are best given to someone who does not fish! But you know fisherman will not like them either.

How many times have you wanted to talk to someone using a walkie talkie in your coffee cup?
Problem solved!
Your welcome!

The best part of this is it might actually seem appealing and the recipient will burn their house to the ground if they oversleep!

The idea behind these is (besides looking like a jackass) sticking an IPod or other such device in there and watching a video....yeah, your family will love you for that. Ignore them....but Uncle Ferd there was ignoring the nature he'd traveled to experience...and was eaten by a grizzly bear while watching a you-tube gilligan's island clip.

Finally... the Jesus coat hanger.
Well if there's a Pope keychain, why not.
Have a wonderful holiday!
And give bad gifts!
It's so much fun...the gift that keeps giving.

2011-The Year In Review... Part One

2011-12-09T00:11:00.001-08:00

2011 was the year of the Jackass

Before ringing in the new year which promises to be no better,

let us have a look at some of the events and the imbeciles that shaped the year.

People In The News

Perennial presidential candidate and Hair Club for Men spokes-model Donald Trump confirmed that the Donald is in possession of irrefutable evidence that President Obama is a Martian. Trump claimed he possessed evidence linking Obama’s DNA to DNA found in a meteorite that crashed into Trump’s bathroom last week while the billionaire was being given a sponge bath by six prospective former employees. It's a little unclear why he has the president's DNA but it sure riled up a bunch of people who are convinced that President Obama is "different".

The meteorite destroyed a vase from the Ming Dynasty, prompting Trump to sue gravity.

Trumps allegations prompted the former 1/2 term Governor of Alaska and Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin to take time out from shooting things from a helicopter to record a video that she has posted on her Facebook page. In the video, Palin stops short of agreeing with Trump that Obama is a Martian but she does applaud Trump's firing everybody.
"The public wants the president to stop secretly bombing Libya, killing Bin Laden, and that other stuff he does and address these unsubstantial accusations from crazy megalomaniacs with delusions of grandeur."
a spokesman for Palin said.


Palin picks a winner in next years presidential race.

The Rapture Came And Went (Twice)
Michele Bachmann, the legislator who is rated as the least truthful in all of congress, and who has the worst attendance record in congressional history decided to run for president. She outlined her opposition to funding higher education, her commitment to the creation of "Tax Free Zones," where wealthy people could get off without paying taxes, her belief that the gays are trying to destroy her marriage, and the deep personal disappointment she feels in the wake of missing the Rapture. Straying from scripted remarks in which she discussed her position on the Founding Fathers' belief in a "free labor market" rather than a minimum wage, Bachmann broke down in tears at a rally in Davenport, Iowa.

Bachmann Left Behind

"Jesus, why have you forsaken me?" Bachmann called out, apparently to the sky. "I've done everything you ever asked. I've questioned the patriotism of non-borned again Christian Americans; I've equated same-sex marriage with a total cultural indoctrination of our children into a gay lifestyle. I even used the word "orgy" several times in discussing public spending. I've done everything I humanly could to bring about the End of Days. Where's my goddammed reward?"
These remarks followed the occurrence of the Rapture on May 21st, as prophesied by the severely retarded broadcaster Harold Camping. Bachmann, who has previously claimed that she had been "called" by God to run for Congress, and who was said to have been "really really excited about Judgment Day," was, according to aides, "absolutely crushed" by her failure to ascend.

Harold Camping, the smelly old codger who predicted the May apocolypse says he was “flabbergasted” that the rapture did not take him—so are we; well, not flabbergasted so much as disappointed. The fact that these religious wackjobs are still here is rather depressing I'm afraid. Despite his million dollar campaign and amazing “biblical math” predicting the end of the world, nothing of any remote interest happened the designated weekend, not even on TV.

But worry not, believers! Camping now says that Jesus did return this last weekend, only in an invisible form detectable by no one except himself.

And he told Camping the New End Of The World would be in October.

Which also came and went.

President Obama announced in May that Public Enemy #1, Osama bin Laden was killed on the evening of Sunday, May first. Obama praised the Special Forces team for the take down. Shortly after the news conference, former president George Bush claimed he was actually the one who took Bin Laden out.

President Governs From Motel 6

Due to foreclosure on the White House caused by the U.S. defaulting on a secret mortgage taken out by President George W. Bush while in office, The President now must govern from a Motel 6.
When contacted at his Texas ranch, Bush admitted to putting up the White House as collateral in 2003 to a bank which is based in Saudi Arabia. "Them sheiks over there in the desert had all kinds of money to loan me," Bush said. "I had two wars to pay for and the American people would've cried like babies if I raised taxes on them, I had no other choice." According to Bush, the stress of moving out of the White House in 2008 made him forget to tell Obama about the loan. "Man, I had Laura whining in my ear constantly while we packed our stuff," Bush said. "I meant to let Barack know, I guess it just slipped my mind or something."

Ahmed Hammoud, president of the Arab National Bank, said Obama, along with his wife and kids, have seven days to clear out of the residence."They had over two years to make a payment and they never did," Hammoud said. "Now the infidels.... Uh, I mean the Obama family, has one week to gather their belongings and permanently vacate the premises."

White House now the "Infidel House

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said Obama will now conduct daily operations from a Washington D.C. area Motel 6. "A room there is all we can afford right now," Carney said. "Super 8 was an option too, but the TVs there don't have cable, just pay-per-view adult movies."

Justice Department to Prosecute Politicians Having Affairs in Lieu of Prosecutions of Bankers Responsible for Economic Meltdown

Sources at the D.O.J. have stated that Attorney General Eric Holder is “giddy with excitement” over prosecuting politicos who take pictures of their winkys and post them in e-mails, those who have affairs, or those who think about sex. When pressed about the costs of mass investigations into political expenditures related to love affairs and other legal, yet frowned-upon activities, the DOJ reluctantly admitted that “the money is limitless” and a single investigation could “theoretically last for an eternity, costing millions, though probably billions, of dollars.” In response to questions regarding the prosecution of the bankers who were responsible for the recent economic meltdown, the DOJ said “No, that would be too hard. We don’t even talk about that stuff.”

The United States Supreme Court, in a 5 to 4 ruling that in light of recent Court decisions came as no surprise, has concluded that under the First Amendment, money talks.

Justice Anthony Scalia, writing for the majority in the landmark decision Uncommon Greed Versus Common Good case, cited as legal precedent last year’s controversial Citizens United decision, which granted free speech protections to corporations. Scalia asserted that the Citizens United decision served as precedent in this case because, “Once corporations enjoy free speech protections, it is no great leap to pass along those same protections to money, as long as the principal of maximum equm bullhornium (more equals louder) applies. That is to say, the larger the denomination, the louder it talks, so that a dollar bill is one hundred times louder than a penny, and a one hundred dollar bill is one hundred times louder than a dollar bill, and a million dollars practically screams ‘legislation legalizing mercury in corn flakes’ – which is why I’m totally switching to raisin bran.”

Speaking from the bench for the liberal minority, Justice Sonia Sotomayor expressed her frustration with the narrow decision. “If the majority truly believe that it was the Founding Fathers’ intent that money talks, then they must also accept the corollary principal that bullshit walks, which means that from this day forward bullshit is permanently mobile and, as such, is subject to the scalias dumbassius application of the law which, by defining free speech as money, legally requires that the more I speak, the more money I shall be paid. Well? Here I am, a wise motor mouth and I want my damn money!”

Legal scholars were stunned by the scope of today’s decision. Unfortunately, none of them could be quoted for this article because none of them is filthy rich. However, British Petroleum, Dow Chemical, Halliburton, The NFL and Exxon-Mobil all released EXTREMELY LOUD STATEMENTS applauding the Court’s wisdom.

TSA Unveiled New Security Screening Device

Steely Dan

The Transportation Security Administration unveiled a new device intended to be used for advanced security screening measures in airports across the United States. A TSA spokesperson claims the oddly-shaped electronic tool will greatly increase “travel safety, passenger satisfaction, security efficiency, and passenger satisfaction.” The device, nicknamed “Steely Dan" by TSA staffers, is a 12” bullet-shaped electrical device with an internal vibration-creating gyro. TSA officials have not yet announced how the device will be used, though regional TSA Director John Rubright claims “it will penetrate the field of security in ways that none of our other intrusive scans could ever dream of.” Passengers will be asked to sit on the device, and any weapons or explosive materials on their person will simply rattle out onto the floor,” claims Dr. Willie B. Hardigan. “It may also massage the passenger and make them feel more at ease, which may result in better intelligence-gathering efforts.” One variety of the security device was intended to be used in conjunction with a small rubber ball connected to leather straps which would attach to the suspect's head in some way. But most of the documents we've obtained using the Freedom of Information Act contain largely redacted material so we can't be certain how the device will be used.
Other departments of Homeland Security may also begin using variants of the TSA's equipment before the end of the year. Currently, researchers are said to still be “vigorously testing prototypes"

.For the first time in the history of the United States,

the approval rating of Congress literally turned negative.

Congress' approval rating is now at -3 percent.
Voters were apparently very upset over their causing huge drops in the stock market and a credit downgrade by Standard & Poor's. Commentators were shocked at the reported number and were at a loss to explain it. "This is the lowest approval rating ever received by anything," stated Frank Newport, editor-in-chief of the Gallup Poll. "By way of comparison, cancer reliably polls in the 1 to 2 percent range."

"Man, I remember those good old days when only two-thirds of Americans hated our guts," reminisced Democratic Congressman John Dingell, currently the longest-serving member of the House of Representatives. "Then again, I only made $50,000 back in the 1970s. I can't retire on your approval ratings, but I sure as hell can live a sweet life on my awesome pension! Ha !"
Academics have been pouring over this new polling data, attempting to explain how an approval rating could actually turn negative, an event many mathematicians thought was impossible.
"In any random sample of people selected to participate in a poll, you are bound to find your fair share of criminals, sexual deviants and other people who are family members of a Congressman," said Newport in a phone interview. "In the past, these people loved the dysfunctional, psychotic behavior typically displayed in Congress. However, even these people are now fed up with their actions."
Indeed, pollsters have discovered that things have become so bad that people who are usually too lazy or apathetic to give an opinion are now voting multiple times in the same poll.

It's nice that people are really starting to participate in the political process, even if it's just to say how much they hate the political process.
Things fail to look any better when the polling data is broken down for each individual Congressman. Indeed, there was only one Congressman who received a positive approval rating, former Oregon Representative David Wu, who resigned earlier after admitting to a sexual scandal with an 18-year-old woman. "It seems voters were willing to overlook his transgression, reasoning that any person who voluntarily leaves Congress must ultimately be an honorable person," stated Newport.

However, some politicians were reluctant to draw any conclusions from the new poll, believing that things are actually much better than they seemed.

Yeah, I'm hearing all this talk about our record-low approval rating," said House Speaker John Boehner in a press conference at the Capitol. "But what all these articles don't tell you is that the margin of error in the poll is 4 percent. We could easily have a 1 percent positive approval rating, but reporters never bother to report that information. I am simply disgusted by the sensationalism displayed today by most journalists, people who are always trying to put a negative spin on everything and twist the facts to support their own agenda. Boehner, who will be appearing in a Viagra commercial early next year, then began to weep like a 2 year old.

Presidential Candidate Rick Perry Declares Constitution Unconstitutional

Rick Perry announced to an audience of enthusiastic supporters that the United States Constitution was unconstitutional and must be repealed immediately. "It is an absolute travesty that this country has allowed such a blatantly illegal law to exist for over 200 years," said Perry at a city park in the capital of Des Moines. "But if you elect me President, my first act will be to burn that piece of trash to ashes and return us to the principles that once made this country great."
In recent weeks, Perry has voiced his frustration with specific elements of the government. He called the Social Security program an unconstitutional Ponzi scheme, and he even attacked certain elements of the Bill of Rights, including the 13th amendment. "If I want to sell myself into slavery, that's my right as a freedom-loving American," said Perry in a speech to the Congressional Black Caucus last week.

Apes Rise, Take Over Banana Republican Party

A spokeschimp for the Banana Republicans made it clear that apes are in no mood to bargain with humans over the division of power in Washington. Speaking through an interpreter, the spokeschimp said, “Oooh oooh oooh, ahhh ahhh ahhh, eeee eeee eeee, grrrrrr!”

Congress angered over President's jobs bill,

claim their jobs aren't protected!
I don't think it's fair that the title of Congressperson has no real job security associated with it,” explained House Speaker John Boehner. “You'd think we could find a non-partisan resolution to this issue that will keep Congress employed here at least another 20 years.”

“This is so typical of Obama,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “He has no respect for wealthy people, like us Congressmen. I'm sure he'd much rather see Congress filled with, you know, common sleazy peaople. I'm sorry to break this to you, Mr. President, but the American people don't want sleaze-balls on the hill. No one should hold office who hasn't drank at least two or three glasses of wine that cost as much as an economy car.” “We're the job creators,” Cantor continued, chugging from a bottle of $4,350 wine brought to him by a Congressional Page he then proceeded to rape. “I mean, okay, yes, we haven't actually created any jobs in the Congress. And yes, you could build a pretty strong case that tax breaks for the wealthy have never once created a single job. But still, we're job creators! If you drive a Lotus sports car, you aren't riding around in a flower. The Philadelphia Eagles don't have a bunch of birds running around on the field. Why can't we call ourselves `job creators' without actually having done anything to create jobs?”
Other members of Congress are upset at the new jobs bill for other reasons as well. “If this bill of [President Obama's] actually works, his polling numbers will shoot through the roof,” said Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. "Fuck that!"

Reason's Greetings!

2011-12-05T00:49:00.001-08:00

On this day a savior was born of a virgin, she wrapped in swaddling clothes & laid him in a manger. The ox & the ass bowed down before him. Three kings from the orient came from afar bearing precious gifts.
Then a spaceship landed and the Grays attempted to kidnap him; but Moses, Hercules, Santa & Underdog fought them off.

Frustrated, they used the time machine from the Philadelphia Experiment to materialize in 1977 (you know, the year of two sevens according to Nostradamus) which is when they founded the Bavarian Illuminati. Being able to travel through time they killed Einstein because he knew too much... as well as JFK because the Grays are really in the CIA and are Cuban. They hypnotized the U.S. government into spending billions of dollars shuttling Elvis from Roswell to the Bermuda Triangle and back in black helicopters stopping occasionally to make lovely designs in cornfields or to allow Elvis to get a snack (all those cattle mutilations). Yes the world, and indeed the universe is run by a shadow cartel of evil conspirators who despite being able to remain completely secret and unknown to millions, take over every government, control every aspect of mankind's destiny, and impose their fancy on everything; somehow just can not resist leaving clues on major public monuments and currency and are powerless against some guy with a sign about it screaming on a New York City corner. This of course makes the lesser known Batman villain look like Professor Moriarty.

Reason's Greetings from the staff at National Buffoon!

Black Friday Shoppers Mistaken For Occupy Wall Street Protesters

2011-11-28T23:31:00.001-08:00


By National Buffoon political Correspondent Darius Lesgettham

 Wall Street, NEW YORK CITY, New York --

Some 10,000 people lined up outside the legendary Macy's for Black Friday since 4 a.m Thursday and were mistaken by police as Occupy Wall Street protesters.
"There were hundreds of angry, despondent assholes in a long line " said Officer Frank Furter as he gunned down a smiling woman with a couple of shopping bags in hand. "Who the hell could blame us?"

Officer Frank Furter eliminates a terrorist threat
"who knows what kind of bomb she had in those bags!"

Although the department store did not open for several hours, customers felt it was best to arrive early for no apparent reason. "What the hell's wrong with kids these days?" Furter asks. "Don't they ever sleep?"

The Occupy Wall Street protests have gotten so out-of-hand and so heavily shoved down our throats by the mainstream media that police were called to break up any large crowds near the NYC area. "It's getting uglier ever day," said Officer Stu Pitt. "You sure didn't see this crap in the 60s or 70s!"

Macys is occupied.

Retired Capt. Ray Lewis, who was arrested in the Occupy protest on November 18, has spoken out against the cops. "These people have a constitutional right to buy whatever they want. These cops are idiots. Where's the protest signs? The people shouting and chanting? The only shouting I heard was 'Open the damn door!' at about 7:01 this morning, because they were late opening. The store apologized for the tardiness and kindly asked the cops to leave, but they refused and began pepper spraying and shooting people, even the clerks in the store...idiots I tell you!"

Despite the violence a few customers managed to buy some I-pads, Zunes, kitchen paraphernalia, seasonal decorations and even an old William Shatner LP.

In other news Justin Bieber ate a sandwich.

Worst Christmas Cards

2011-11-27T01:37:00.001-08:00

Tis the season...
for depression and suicide.
Have your friends robo-call a hotline and tie up their lines just for yuks! Ask them how you cook a turkey.

By National Buffoon Editor Ben New

Some cards are "professionally" devised and some are not.

This first one is nominated for the sweater shirt combo. Awful!

Is he tweaking her nips?

This must be the fellow in our first photo who was hanging around

...this photo obviously had been taken earlier in the day of course.

The dollar store inflatable Santa adds a touch of class

Oh Yes!
...and keep Odin In Solstice as well.


"Chicks really dig me"

Of Course what would the holidays be without rednecks taking pictures of their kids in front of the tree with assault rifles and sub machine guns. They forgot the malt liquor I guess.

We"re leaving Santa a beer and a Slim Jim Xmas eve!

Ugh!
Wrong!

Jimmy, your mom called. She wants her sweater back.

Blechh, come on you can't be serious.

The sweaters are bad enough but the damned vest is a blasphemy. Still the clothes are not really the problem are they?

Phil here is certainly festive...Mom must be proud.

She'll be even prouder if you move out of her basement though.


Family and friends surely were delighted when this photo card was delivered with postage due.

This is actually a fine card and really very very traditional.
Santa taking time out for an orgy? It IS Saturnalia I suppose.
The pause that refreshes!

Ho...Ho...and another Ho!

The guy in the back is dozing.

I'm sure they get a group discount from their therapist

These kids will surely become serial killers...and who can blame them really?

Which one would you kick in the ass first? Decisions, decisions...

Mom would have been in the picture but she had to run to the store.
Her subscription to Soldier Of Fortune magazine ran out.

You just know they really think those scarves are cool.If Santa noticed these guys in his toy shop, he'd fumigate the place.

Better to give than to receive.

The dog seeks revenge. His owners had dressed him up in a bad holiday sweater and antlers for a holiday card photo.

Um....no.

A team? They are missing the hole.

Yeah, a man who thinks he's his pet's father is shooting blanks...this would explain the smile on his wife's face...you know she's getting some on the side.

Advice for the dog....RUN!!!!!

Atheist Holiday Traditions

2011-11-26T01:36:00.001-08:00

Atheists celebrate the holidays in many festive ways.
Here are a few traditions valued by non theists.

The Holiday Hominid Creche
(Sometimes watched over by a winged Frank Zappa for some reason)

Atheists enjoy watching of A Charlie Brown Solstice as much as anyone!

Another fine atheist tradition is donning Nietzsche Holiday Sweaters!

Atheists enjoy dressing up like frosty the snowman and debating Parson Brown

Of course there's the atheist symbol wreath

And it just wouldn't be the holidays without gingerbread primates!

...Or Ginger Bread Darwin cookies!

Taking the kids to see Professor Klaus at the local university

And on the eve of the solstice, hanging a starfish on the Phylogenetic Tree!

Democracy Inaction!

2011-11-23T21:51:00.001-08:00

Remember when the founders said "we the corporations in order to form a more perfect domination?" Yeah, neither do I. But they did have a few comments regarding the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. In fact they thought that was important enough to be the first amendment in the Bill Of Rights.

"If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the people of all property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their Fathers conquered...I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies... The issuing power should be taken from the banks and restored to the people, to whom it properly belongs."-Thomas Jefferson (Source-Monticello official website)

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with inherent and inalienable Rights; that among these, are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness; that to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed; that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness." - Declaration Of Independence

"Up yours punk. I work for the money changers"

"Damned hippies"

"If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen."- Samuel Adams

"Piss on you George, I work for Potter!"

"Wha? The wicked witch of the west is a job creator. She created my job damn it. And there are all those flying monkeys to think of!"

"United Federation my ass Kirk, that's socialism!"

"Somebody stop me!"

Liberal War On Christmas...The Game!

2011-11-22T22:42:00.001-08:00

online games

free

War On Thanksgiving Under Fire

2011-11-18T21:06:00.001-08:00

Traditional Thanksgiving Is Under Attack From the Liberal Straw Man (on far left).

By National Buffoon Holiday Correspondent
Helen A. Handbasket

No one suspected it, only a few have had the fortitude to report it, but there is a war on Thanksgiving and if you have not chosen a side, you hate America. That's right. Every week your friends at Fairly Unbalanced Noose discover some plot by some evil doing straw men to destroy everything decent in the universe which of course is finite and extends only as far north as Kentucky. Moon bat Boogieman are poised to urinate in your mom's apple pie and force themselves anally on the Virgin Mary. Yep. Of course they alerted us in the past (and will again, before the sacred black Friday dance of conspicuous consumption begins) to the dastardly Straw man plot to destroy Christmas, but little did I or anyone else with an intact cerebellum suspect these liberal straw men were also plotting to destroy the most American of American holidays...Black Friday, the annual Mal*Wart stampede itself, and it's lesser prequel...Thanksgiving.

They are attacking the very nature of the holiday
- the promotion of gluttony!

Inexplicably the straw men are trying to force the socialist pinko commie notion that instead of gorging oneself into a coma that one should give the needy a little more and the broad-beamed a little less. They argue everybody is happier and healthier at the end of the day. This is blasphemy! We true traditionalists say the morbidly obese should always have more and the hungry less because that's the way God and the free enterprise system work! That's why Jesus, who of course was American and taught that greed is good while charity and decency was the devil; beat the crap out of the poor (The poor and their ilk annoyed the money changers in the temple simply by existing. The money changers had no interaction with them of course, but were annoyed anyway through osmosis.)

Liberal Straw Man Behind The Attack!
<><> <><> <><>

The Liberal Straw Man is thinking up
new holidays to ruin for you.

Get real all you liberal Sin Fein loving hippies! A pig pigs! It's just natural. Giving them smaller portions and denying them seconds, thirds, fourths, fiths, sixths, sevenths, 189ths, etc. would only possibly discourage them as job creators. Of course everyone knows only corpulent porcine gluttons can create jobs. That family owned business down the street? Commies! Godless liberal feminist dope crazed deviates who operate lesbian abortion farms. Crazed Qaddafi loving Statists and enviro-terrorists who adore Mad Bob Mugabe because they are liberty squashing fruitcakes who hate America, Lassie, Mal*Wart, and your mother.

Today they destroy Thanksgiving,
Next it will be my Lawn Ornament!
We must draw a line in the cranberry sauce.

Yes that's right, you heard right...informed secret sources somewhere in an Orange County strip mall ministry have reported to some drooling nitwit masquerading as journalist on the Fairly Unbalanced Noose network that the Straw men want to dye your cranberry sauce yellow – which just happens to have been Benedict Arnold's and Adolf Hitler's favorite color! Not only that, but the society of pedophile football coaches is reporting that the Straw men practice witchcraft.

The National Buffoon Is Sponsored By Mal*Wart
Your source for inferior goods at cheapass prices,
slave labor, and prosperity depletion!

These devious super communist Straw men don't oppose giving thanks per se; they just don't want the thanks going to a specific local deity. You can give thanks to a generic deity, as long as your grace doesn't leave out any of the known gods. Always include Jehovah, Allah, Lao-tzu, Baal, Gog and Magog, Ra, Zeus, Jupiter, Odin, Buddha, Harry Krishna, Confucius, the Great Spirit, Quetzalcoatl, Mammon and of course all the inbred Caesars who achieved godhood by simple proclamation (to name but a few).

Try Yahweh's Fire & Brimstone Barbecue...or else!

By the time you get them all properly acknowledged and lauded, of course, the mashed potatoes will be cold and the rolls will be mouldy. That's how they destroy Thanksgiving.

We self righteous science denying Ignominious Ignorant gasbags, er I mean true traditionalists say "no"! (of course we say no to everything). The real god ,Jehovah, aka Yahweh, aka Elohim, aka etc., deserves the lion's share of Thanksgiving thanks. If you can't give him credit for the whole meal then he should at least get the props for the turkey and dressing...the ham, too, if you're one of those willing to pretend that Leviticus 11:7-8 doesn't exist. We simply can not allow the indignity that would result from the Lard of Lards being lumped in with the lowly demigods, nymphs, and satyrs who receive thanks for the various garnishes, gravies, and seasonings. He alone needs to be exalted for candied yams, the green-bean casserole, and the pie. It's in the Bible! (or maybe the constitution...one of dem things we never read, yup!)

Unfortunately at this point, the Straw men point out that being the supreme of supremes, he can re script at any time and exalt himself if he takes the notion. This makes all the true traditionalists heads explode and steam shoot out of the top of their noggins. The Battle of Thanksgiving is lost.

America's New Super Hero Of The Current Economic Crisis

2011-10-27T10:50:00.000-07:00

Apathetic Man, The contemporary Super Hero

The End Of Super Man

By National Buffoon Editor Ben New

No time for Superman, not in the super -market. No, not today; Superman belongs to an age when people believed in a future that would be brighter than today, a time when humans dreamed of putting a man on the moon and did so. An age where the tomorrow was a shining light illuminating the ignorance, abuse, & darkness of the shadowy past. A vast array of possibilities and unlimited progress waited on the horizon for humanity. While Superman was seen as an iconic representation of" truth, justice and the American way", these concepts are alien to the real way of life as 99% of humanity experiences it today. The near-perfect Kryptonian orphan wrapped in a swaddling big red S-cape is simply the madness of a dreamer. The undisciplined romantic ramblings of some contemporary Don Quixote chasing economic windmills of non-existent equity. It is the lunacy of an unhinged escapist incapable of understanding the need for aristocracy, austerity in public affairs, and the need for society be dominated by a few bastards who claim intrinsic superiority over the rest. Hence, the rise of our new contemporary super hero who has supplanted Super Man in the collective mythology of man...Apathetic Man.

The Rise Of Apathetic Man

Apathetic Man is a symbol of the modern middle-class condition in developed nations - having long been beaned on the head by bricks falling from a crumbling facade of the so called "American dream", he has been counting his lumps more so than his blessings, he is left with nothing but the vacuum of a meaningless existence, laboring at tasks for less and less compensation, and the welcome numbing of lukewarm indifference. It has been said, that behind every cynic, is a disillusioned idealist. And Apathy Man is behind both those guys... snoozing in the corner.

The Super Powers of Apathetic Man include but are not limited to:

Amazing unparalleled indifference;
The ability to enter a state of suspended animation, (making him impervious to emotional attacks).
A super apathy field, affecting those around him;
Travels on a floating couch.

The Origins Of Apathetic Man

With great apathy of course, comes absolutely no responsibility whatsoever.

One day mild mannered Hal Atosis who by day had been an air traffic controller found himself unemployable because some political prisoner in Bhig Wang, China could be forced into doing his job merely by bribing his jailers with some plastic beads & cheap rotgut whisky. Hal had not been wealthy, yet he was not poor and managed to prosper a bit, he was able to keep food on his family table, educate and provide for his children, and keep a decent roof over their heads. He bought all kinds of goods that kept the economy moving along. But now the only employment he could find was being a men's room attendant in a topless Fois Gras joint frequented by wealthy mephistophelian twits who had posed as Nigerian royalty in unsolicited emails; cornering the market on emptying the bank accounts of the Gullibles whose extensive family can be found world wide - hence the term "globalism" (and run on sentence!) Anyway these twits figured it was the duty of peons like Hal to clean up their feces which they disbursed in copious piles on the floor.

Hal, demoralized and beaten down, returned to his house only to find it had been repossessed by Megabank (a subsidiary of Exxonglobal Inc.). His wife sold their kids to a traveling satanic circus and took off with a door to door bible salesman who had some hijacked vodka and a car that hadn't been repossessed yet. Hal found an abandoned apartment building which was being auctioned off for twits to purchase at fire sale prices, he figured until then, he could at least squat there until he got back on his feet...of course that day has not come. Hal then discovered, after weeks of napping on the abandoned couch, that he'd been bitten by a rat that had fed on some experimental Monsanto genetically engineered seeds which crossed flounder urine with jackal, sloth, and Brussels sprout DNA. Apparently this had been carelessly disposed of in the insulation material of emergency FEMA trailers in New Orleans. Slowly, with the grace of a sloth, he realized this had given him extraordinary powers. He figured he might as well put together some sort of costume symbolizing his new found power yet because of the powers themselves, he didn't necessarily care. So, he merely added a crappy domino mask he'd found on the floor to his old business suit before curling up on the couch again. Weeks passed. The stale rankness of his socks drove him to realize that nothing could be done equally well outside, so he grabbed his hat and stepped out into the hallway. To his mild surprise, crowds of people blocked his path. Many of them were sleeping while others leaned on the wall. These crowds had come to see why their friends, family, coworkers and associates hadn't left their squatter apartments that week. They knocked on the doors, but the inhabitants couldn't be bothered answering them. The visitors were suddenly struck with the same apathy affecting the residents and no longer cared why these people wouldn't leave, nor did they themselves, care to leave. Hal now realized he was now projecting a super apathy field! He was capable of disabling the empathic systems of all those around him!
This made him dangerous.
This also made him highly sought by the corporate governments of the world, who longed to harness the power of not caring for their own diabolical purposes.

The Clot Thickens

The governments of the E.U. and the U.S.A., having observed all this through warrentless surveillance activities, immediately sprang into action. They needed to exploit Apathetic Man immediately in their War On Cheddar . At the top secret headquarters of the department of Homeland Obscurity, a team of field agents were sent to retrieve him, but they never returned. The chief was certain he heard several bored yawns through his walkie-talkie. A second team were sent to retrieve Apathetic Man and the initial team, but they also failed to return. Now this time the chief clearly heard a chorus of snoring, which infuriated him. 20 teams in all, were sent in, and none returned. The chief finally figured out what was going on and had special apathy-proof helmets reverse engineered from crashed Roswell weather balloons for the 21st team to wear. Unfortunately these were sub-contracted out to Haliburton and they merely provided some crappy tin foil hats left over from their previous work on the George Bush campaign. The Chief found one factory still in operation in the U.S. and reluctantly agreed to contract the manufacture of the anti-apathy hats to this firm even though it relied on Union Labor which of course had been defacto outlawed in the U.S. during the Ronald McReagan residency. The new hats worked and the chief was celebrated as a major hero, knighted, and decorated by congress for rescuing 21 teams of field agents... even though he was the dimwitted clod who sent 21 teams of agents into the heart of lethargy in the first place.

Despite being taunted by the field agents, Apathetic Man refused to get up from the couch. So the agents simply commandeered six undocumented immigrants slumped on a bench in the hall to move it to their black helicopter which had been previously used to mutilate cows. Yes, the governments of the world had determined (again through the wonder of warrant less surveillance) that cows were actually Cheddarists, secretly plotting to replace the carefully crafted superficial incoherent illusion of democracy with their own udder anarchy! Later at a top-secret government facility, Apathetic Man agreed, or at least shrugged to an agreement, where he would be compensated for his lounging in return for allowing the Dept. Of Homeland Obscurity to determine the location where he would nap. Apathetic Man was used to quiet any signs of civil disobedience and social unrest. The agency would scour news reports and, at the first sign of a freethinking outbreak, send Apathy Man into inaction! After a collection of simple assignments, from dawdling away the enthusiasm on picket lines to sleeping off the message behind various league of women voter brunches; Apathetic Man's powers began to increase. At the height of his prowess, he was capable of holding back equal rights for women and African-Americans, increase the monetary gap between the working and ruling twit classes and even keep gays from throwing parades! Thanks to Apathetic Man's super powers, there was little public concern for important issues, with everyone busy giving free piggyback rides to the wealthiest of twits, no one had time to think for themselves or do much of anything but sleep...those twits are pretty heavy you know!

The first Apathetic Man Comic book. Coincidentally, the inclusion of such a blatantly racist stereotype in popular media could be attributed, at least in part, to massive apathy.

The Worst Halloween Costumes Ever

2011-10-14T08:25:00.000-07:00

Ughh! This is simply a WTF? costume. Strictly for the litter box.

National Buffoon's Worst Halloween Costumes EverYes, what child wouldn't want to be the leather guy in the Village People...at least it is enclosed in plastic.

De' Pain Boss...De' Pain. Ugh.

No idea who or what this is but it appears to emerge dancing from a microwave oven.

Oh....nothing more frightening than Shirley from the bad TV show Laverne & Shirley.

What self respecting kid would want to be Gabe Kaplan?Vanilla Ice is sure to scare people...but really? Geesh. Not a big seller I bet.

I dunno, it's just creepy.

Father Murphy? Does it come with a molestable child?

Well the only thing worse than being a character on a bad TV show is being a character on an even worse spin off of that show. I bet a lot of these were sold.

Yeah...Chuck is pretty scary....the CIA? Really? C'mon. I admit that is pretty good cover...but this costume is pretty awful cover.

Ok, Robert Blake is a bit scary.... But I think you'd be laughed out of the haunted house showing up in this garbage.

Poopie Shorts...Two-Layer Butt Allows 'Diarrhea" to Flow without a Mess! Good up to 250 Lbs. Who would want to wear this? It's a step up from "Father Murphy" perhaps...but still. It's just gross.

We have absolutely no idea how you wear this thing. It looks like the costume is basically to wrap yourself in a crappy plastic baggie and then slide a rotten piece of rubber resembling a throbbing brain over your head. Nice...though it's better than the Hemorrhoids costume they marketed earlier...it's not much better.

Junk Food You May Not Want To Buy

2011-07-25T20:33:00.000-07:00

By National Buffoon Food Editor Thaddeus Creosote Esq.

JUNK FOOD FROM HELL

Stop into any convenience store, ask the clerk for this sweet treat, and you’ll receive the keys to the men’s restroom.

This is always a perennial favorite among Republican Senators.
"It's toe tappin' good" - Senator Larry Craig

Be sure to always examine your chocolate logs to make sure you are getting enough marshmallow bits in your diet.

Really? What is this? liquid Viagra? What's up with that logo?...Never mind.

One may be able to ignore the name itself until you look at the shape of things to come...so to speak.

I'll pass, thank you. Would this be a hard candy?

Uncle Joe's wintergreen toes are in a different can.

Well there's a lot of excitement behind this product...

Perhaps not the best of advertising firms was employed by Starburst.

The wizard of ooze....

No comments are required....but the look on the faces of the kids on the box says it all. Ouch!

One of the major sources of daily vitamin requirements...yup.

Does anyone crave one of these? These candies really stink.

This begs the question...why can't she do it herself?

Soylent Green now comes in your favorite flavors!

Oh come on now, language difference aside, they had to know.

Wha? Is this made from Strawberry Daiquiri concentrate?

Um...er... better change your sheets...

Well, at least this is named ironically with some intent involved.

It's not really "nuevo", and I'm passing on these...be my guest though....

How would you describe this? Piquant perhaps?

It's chunky!

Who says size doesn't matter?

Crack one open today!

Best served warm of course...

It's the real thing!

A new James Bond Femme Fatale? No it's ....

(Bet you can't eat just one!)

Oh my!

A good source of Vitamin C, or was that chlamydia?

Do you know where Maynard has been?

Alas poor Grandma, she suffered from dementia but maniac? I wouldn't go that far.

....The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.

Dr. Tongue's House Of Physics

2011-05-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

By National Buffoon Physics Correspondent
Dr. Tongue

In light of the dreadful circumstances & near equally dreadful media coverage of the disaster in Japan, it has become neccisary to update our definitions in the post Fukushima era we find ourselves in today. Here we have the revised words and meanings for physicists today.

Half Life - How much of your lifespan has now been lost by listening to the misinformation in the media's reporting on Fukushima.
Table of elements - The place where the seafood from Japan is being served.

Reactor Number Two - What happens in the stall after you eat McDonald's Happy Meal Combo #1 in Japan.

Under control - Hopelessly out of control and probably likely to explode at any minute. As in, "Reactor No. 2 is completely under control now."

Neutron - The new sci-fi movie starring Jeff Bridges, as opposed to the "Old Tron."

Cesium - Part of the answer given by nuclear safety workers when asked, "Where is the Fukushima safety manager?" The reply? "I thinks I cesium somewhere around here..."

Safe - The new government euphemism for "more than enough to give you cancer." As in, "The radioactive fallout from Fukushima is now SAFE."

Nukular - How George W. Bush pronounces "nuclear." To master the "nukular" pronunciation, simply start with the word "nuclear" and then subtract one hundred IQ points.

Fission - The result of the collision between one loose cannon idea and a spherical critical mass of bureaucratic corruption in the power industry. The resulting explosion gives off two additional loose cannon ideas that go on to cause a chain reaction throughout the entire government leading to a total meltdown of integrity.

Preparedness plan - What the U.S. government now officially describes as "sitting on the couch watching TV while consuming McDonald's Happy Meal Combo #1."

Rapture Postponed Due To Rain

2011-05-21T07:06:00.000-07:00

By National Buffoon Religion Correspondent- Elmer Gantry

One of the USA's leading douche bags, Harold Camping and his fans were disappointed when they were revealed to be complete buffoons on May 21st. Oh well, I'm sure they will find some other lunatic predicting the end of the world to follow...or will they simply continue letting Camping pick yet another day? One thing is for certain...as Frank Zappa suggested, hydrogen is NOT the most abundant element in the universe....stupidity is.

"I see dumb people"

Oh My.

Cheese Creationism Taught In Texas Text Books

2011-05-14T00:27:00.000-07:00

Posted By
National Buffoon Science Correspondent:
Dr. Zachary Smith

As anyone can see from this actual photo the moon is made of cheese.

Scientists have criticized revisions to the Texas science curriculum, saying that many of the changes (scribbled in, using crayons) were rewritten to please a dental assitant & his largely uneducated friends who managed to get themselves elected to the Texas state school board by offering free dental checkups and "Truth" brushes (regular tooth brushes that have the word "truth" printed on them) to voters. The scientists claim the new textbooks are inaccurate and would affect textbooks and classrooms far beyond the state's borders. But those scientists are wrong. Why should anyone listen to them? What do they know about science anyway?

"In the beginning Gouda created the heavens & the earth" and he said "this is grate".
According to the ancient scribblers who wrote the Bible while wandering around herding goats in the desert for some reason, Goulda created the universe of cheese in 6 days. This primarily why the creator is known today as the "Cheese Wiz".
Everyone knows that folks 2 or 3 thousand years ago knew much more than people today about the universe and other large things. And everyone also knows a handful of fundementalists in Texas should decide what children learn in public schools.
Here are some exerpts from the real experts:

"One small step for romano..."

In 1969, while exploring the moon astronauts found a strange vehicle on the surface.

Yaba Daba Deutronomy

According to ancient videos unearthed by top biblical scholars at Bob Jones University and sausage manufacturing plant, the prophet Fred Flintsone visited the moon long ago. Undeniable as the evidence is, many inferior science books do not cover this event at all.
Today we know this is true because it says so in the video.

Man was not meant to live by Provolone According to the unearthed video evidence Goulda had a son named Cheesus who appeared to Fred and revealed his will to him. Afterwards he dictated the story of the garden of Edam. "Brie fruitful and don't camembert false witness" he said. Fred retorted "telemea more". Cheesus then revealed in his own Krafty whey the Emmental truths of the universe. Today we know these teachings as Fondue-mentalism. "Comte unto the lard" as it says in the goulda book.

Well the point is that the moon is made of cheese.
And Fred Flintstone was the first man on the moon.

So sayeth The Texas board of education.

The Bill Of Rats Replaces The Bill Of Rights

2011-02-14T21:38:00.000-08:00

By National Buffoon Anton Scalia

"I like bubbles an' drool"

The New Bill of Rights

Much has changed in the United States since the Bill of Rights was written and adopted. The Scalia (TM) Supreme Court has replaced that original outdated document,and no wonder. Since we`ve gone from a country of a few million to a few hundred million. The nation`s desire to band together was replaced by a general revulsion of people. The birthright of justice and intellectual honesty has been exchanged for a penchant for inequity & unsubstantiated idiocy, the American Pioneer Spirit with the Pioneer boom box, the noble exegist for the Exxonmobil.
We are no longer the people who founded this country and our Bill of Rights should no longer reflect the empowering broad-minded thinking of those Deist revolutionary backwards trouble making upstarts... but rather, the interests of multinational cartels, foreign governments, and descendants of the robber barons. As we begin our assault on the 21st Century, my superficial mephistophelian colleagues on the bench and I have decided it`s time to end the interference of outdated concepts suggested in that damned piece of paper we swore to uphold (Ha ha!... right!) such as human rights, human dignity, and valuing human resources in general. The more modern concepts of human cannibalism, human bondage & human waste will be well represented in the new improved Bill Of Rats.

AMENDMENT I

Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if it did; and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless such speech can be construed as "anti-commercial speech" or "irresponsible speech" or "offensive speech;" by any sizable corporate lobbyist. Nor shall congress impinge upon the right of the people to peaceably assemble crappy imported furniture, where and when permitted; nor shall abridge the rights of Senators to proposition the juvenile pages of their personal choice. Government shall refer all cases of redress of grievances to Verizon's automated customer service in Calcutta. It shall be unlawful to cry "Fire!" in a theatre occupied by three or more persons, unless such persons shall belong to a class declared protected by one or more divisions of Goldman Sachs, in which case the number of persons shall be one or more except on Fridays, after 3 P.M. every 3rd month excluding leap years.
AMENDMENT II

A well-regulated military force shall be maintained under control of the President of Walmart. The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall be permited as long as they agree to being hypnotized for occasional assasinations of citizens viewed as subversive threats by Bank Of America executives.

AMENDMENT III

Common citizens shall, in time of peace, be drawn and quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, unless such house is believed to have been used, or believed may be used, for some purpose by AIG or one of it's numerous dummy corporations.

AMENDMENT IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures may be suspended to protect corporate welfare. Any place or conveyance shall be subject to search by law enforcement forces of any political entity, and any such places or conveyances, or any property within them, may be confiscated without judicial proceeding if believed to be used in a manner contrary to Walmart.

"I'm holding in a fart, it will travel up my spine to my brain so I can have some shitty ideas"

AMENDMENT V

Any person may be held indefinitely for a crime of any kind upon any suspicion whatever; and may be put in jeopardy of life or liberty by the state courts, American Express, MacDonald's corporation, China National Petroleum, J.P. Morgan Chase & Company, Comcast, AT&T or by the federal judiciary, and while incarcerated; may be compelled to be a witness against himself by the forced submission of his body or any portion thereof, and by testimony in proceedings excluding actual trial. Private property forfeited under judicial process shall become the exclusive property of the judicial authority and shall be immune from seizure by injured parties.

Justice Clarance Thomas

AMENDMENT VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused, according to the size of his bank account or credit line, shall enjoy the right to avoid prosecution by exhausting the legal process and its practitioners. Failure to succeed shall result in speedy plea-bargaining resulting in lesser charges. Convicted persons shall be entitled to appeal until sentence is completed. It shall be unlawful to bar or deter an incompetent person from service on a jury. And any persons guilty of poverty will be incarcerated without possible parole indefinitely unless needed for military service by Exxonmobil.

" Corporations are people, but women are not."

AMENDMENT VII

In civil suits, where a contesting party is a person whose private life may interest the public, the right of trial in the media shall not be abridged.

"Resistance is futile"

AMENDMENT VIII

Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that private prisons remain in operation and are profitable. There shall be no right of the public to be afforded protection from dangerous persons, and such protection shall be dependent upon incarceration facilities available unless they are a threat to an aristocrat, a CEO, or one of their designated agents masquerading as a Senator.

AMENDMENT IX

The enumeration in The Constitution of rights shall be construed to deny or discourage others which may from time to time be extended by the branches of Federal, State or Local government, unless such rights shall themselves become enacted by Amendment or whim of a Supreme Court Justice.

AMENDMENT X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution shall be deemed to be powers residing in corporations holding appointment therein through the secret defense private contractors, and may be delegated to the States and local Governments as determined by the corporate interest. The public interest shall be determined by it's designated representatives, lobbyists on K street.

National Buffoon Horoscopes- Your Future Is Bleak

2011-01-04T23:04:00.001-08:00

By National Buffoon Cosmic Correspondent Claire Voyant

Aries: Most Aries are successful murderous psychopaths. Today a bout of uncontrollable flatulence will not endear you to anyone. The Universe laughs at you behind your back. Being a simpleton, you call ‘em like you see ‘em, but as you’re prone to hallucinations, this could definitely become an issue. Jail sentences between 5 and 10 years may be applicable to your situation today. ...

Taurus: In biscuits one can find redemption. Especially when soaked in Rum. Often malodorous, Taureans are renowned for their poor sense of humor and their ability to attract vermin. Of particular use in a Taureans faculties, is his/her ability to pick their nose ambidextrously.

Gemini: You will suffer great pain after messing with powerful forces you know nothing about. Namely Gravity. Many of your social hang-ups would disappear if you started wearing clothes.
Not all Geminis are annoying, some are dead.

Cancer: The meaning of life is ∑∫♣ØŒ∞ Åξ≡Ξ§¶¥ψδ. Yes! It’s that simple.

Leo: Don’t worry, the excruciating pain you’re in won’t last forever. It will however, last for the rest of your pitiful life. We'd like to help you out...seriously, which way did you come in? Leos are excellent liars and often have herpes. Give up all hope. Stay in bed.

Virgo: Your ship will come in but it's called the Titanic. You'll enjoy the hospitality of it's Captain, Joe Hazelton. Invest in swimming lessons. Many Virgos excel at absolutely nothing. No Virgo has ever contributed anything to civilization. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Libra: You will soon find that your life’s story is interchangeable with any reality television show. In other words trashy and completely useless. An old crush comes back and crushes you some more.

Scorpio: Today the world is your oyster, but your allergic to shellfish and will become deathly ill. At least pets and babies find you somewhat amusing. Well, not really, but they can't speak up. Most syphilitic lepers with giant tumors protruding out of their eye sockets are Scorpios.

Sagittarius: Most people will think that you are annoying but you already knew that. As a matter of fact you are starting to annoy me now! You are just down right goofy. Don't deny it you goofy bastard! You will meet a great love interest but they won't be your type...not inflatable.

Capricorn: This month will see Pluto move behind Uranus. Exactly what Pluto will do behind Uranus is anyone's guess, but the video should ship for about $19.99. You will be beaten senseless by some crackhead punk. No one will send you a 'Get Well' card. Your Mother will send a 'Thank You' card to the guy who did it.

Aquarius: Remember: Humans are just as scared of you, as you are of them. You will develop a relationship with a She-beast seeking new people to stalk and drain the humanity out of. You will be even more anal-retentive in the future.

Pisces: You get on well with most people because you see the good in everyone and are trusting. In other words, you're a dumbfuck without even the common sense of a carrot.

Worst Holiday Song And Video

2010-11-30T13:04:00.000-08:00

This may be the worst Holiday music and video ever produced, it is a cover of a Neil Diamond song (allegedly). Have a death metal holiday! And don't forget to vomit in someone's stocking!

When you think of Christmas, you think of Exhumed. I wish they would have grinded out a whole Christmas album before they broke up. As far as I know it's the only death metal Christmas song. If I were making an awesome death metal compilation cd it would have Impaled singing Silent Night and Brujeria singing Feliz Navid...
This is from the Exhumed album entitled "Platters Of Splatter".