NATIONAL BUFFOON

National Buffoon Acquires Letter Home From The Front Of The War On Christmas

2020-01-03T17:21:00.000-08:00

These are the letters home from Billy Bob Lillywhite to his wife
Martha Lillywhite. It was kind of her to share them with us.
What might it be like to be the wife of one of the brave Christian soldiers
who is putting his life on the line
protecting your right to insist non Christian store clerks say "Merry Christmas"
not just to yourself, but to all Americans.
Especially those who are Jewish, Muslim, Native American,
or especially those atheists.

Without further ado, here are the letters:

My dearest Martha,

I'm writing to you from the front lines of the War on Christmas.

I know you didn't want me to enlist, Martha, but I felt I had a civic duty to my country.
I am but a humble, red-blooded, white, Christian, American male.
I'd rather die than look someone in the eyes and say "happy holidays."

This is a mighty war, Martha.
We march on boldly to the beat of beloved Christmas carols.
Carols like "The Little Drummer Boy, ""Good King Wenceslas," and "Here Comes Santa Claus."
But rest assured, there are no silent nights in war!
Soon we will deck the halls with the blood and entrails of our enemies
to honor the Prince Of Peace..

We also march along to "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey
because it's my favorite song.
That's why I insisted we play it at our wedding
even though we were married in June.
Our greatest opponents, The Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion, also have music.
Mostly that one Adam Sandler song,
And they play it despite knowing full well
that the UN considers this a war crime.

Now, as you know, Martha, I’m no anti-Semite.
No no. Far from it!
It’s just that anything other than Christianity is wrong.

I was hopeful that our path to victory would be swift.
After all, Jesus and Santa are more marketable than dreidels and gelt.
But it's the damnedest thing..
For when the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion first arrived on the battlefield,
we were certain they only had enough ammunition to last them one night.
And yet somehow, despite all odds,
their ammunition has lasted for eight days. It's crazy!

Also, the other day some old guy with a stick shouted something and it started raining frogs, which makes even less sense. and is quite annoying.
I haven't seen raining frogs since 1999.

Our enemies have us outwitted and outmanned.
At this point, our only strategy is that when the great battle arrives,
the remaining members of the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion
forgo the war and instead
return home to take their families out for Chinese Food and a movie.

Of course, it would be one thing if my infantry
was only going up against the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion.
Alas, we must also prepare to wage war against the dreaded Kwanzaa Brigade.
I feared the Kwanzaa Brigade It's one of the things I have in common with Mike Pence,
John Mayer's dick, and a surprising number of American police officers.

But as luck would have it, not many people celebrate Kwanzaa.
In fact, the Kwanzaa Brigade is almost entirely comprised of white liberals
arguing with other white liberals about the importance of Kwanzaa.
They actually spend so much time arguing amongst themselves
that they rarely pose any real threat to my infantry.
Nonetheless, I remain hesitant of their Kwanzaa antics,
We still have no idea what Kwanzaa is about.
From what I've observed,
Kwanzaa is the same as Hanukkah/Chanukah,
but with one less day
and dashikis.

I'm sure there are other holidays out there that pose a threat to Christmas.
It can't just be Kwanzaa and Hanukkah/Chanukah.
Surely those Buddhists must be up to something,
but the only Buddhist I know is that white guy with dreads
who gives out free kombucha samples at Whole Foods.
And when I asked him what he was doing this December,
he said he planned on "Tokin' and pokin.'"
And though I'm not entirely sure what that means, the hand gesture he used
to accompany the expression certainly seemed unwholesome.
So now I hate Buddhists. After all, I am but a humble, red-blooded,
white, Christian, American male, and I can only assume
that all Buddhists are exactly the same as the one Buddhist I know.

There was a Christmas Miracle on the 25th though.
Praise the lord.
A truce was called,
and we all shared our rations of fruitcake with the enemies...
who shared matzah balls & collard greens with us.
We all sat down together and agreed that we all
really hate the atheists and secular humanism even more than the Satanists.
I mean at least Satanists believe in magical nonsense like we do.
But those secular humanists?
They don't have any faith at all.
They don't believe in shit!

Despite the temporary respite, rest assured, Martha,
the War on Christmas is far from over.
But just as I'm sure that Jesus was a white, blue-eyed baby
born on December 25th... I'm sure that my infantry will keep on fighting.
I refuse to let America's youth grow up in a country that says "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas."

So kiss the children for me, Martha.
And when you take the girls to go see Santa, please take them to the mall across town.
I hear the Santa at the mall in our neighborhood is an atheist!

Pruitt Directs EPA To Save The Kentucky Wildcat

2018-07-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

LEXINGTON, KY - EPA administrator Scott Pruitt is personally monitoring the status of the near extinct Kentucky Wildcat, a species so rare only one remains on Earth.
“Right now we’re trying to find a female to mate with it, which shouldn’t be hard because it’s a majestic specimen that can jump through flaming hula hoops and dunk a basketball,” said Scott Pruitt

Scientists around the world have been given the task to save the Kentucky Wildcat and help it succeed at all costs.
“I think it’s great the EPA administrator is taking such a personal interest in the health and long-term sustainability of the environment.
Although I guess that’s what they’re supposed to be doing,” said one of the agencies chief scientists.

Saving the nearly extinct Wildcat has drawn an unlikely supporter, billionaire coal executive Joseph W Craft III, who has offered a reward if the Kentucky Wildcat can be successfully mated.
“I’m so impressed with Mr. Pruitt taking up this cause, that I’ve decided to donate ten million dollars to his personal account!" said Mr. Craft.

Know Your Douchebags

2018-05-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

If you are not horrified by these douchebags....

American Idiot - Douchebags and Wankers

2018-05-14T03:30:00.002-07:00

I have long lamented the intentional destruction of language.
Language is important, it is the medium through which we communicate ideas.
Destroy the medium and ideas can not be communicated.
This is being achieved through conditioning and deception.
Notice how the word "government" is now used in a way that intentionally
does not distinguish between legitimate democracy and totalitarianism.

Back in 1996, Newt Gingrich's political action committee (GOPAC) mailed a pamphlet entitled "Language, A Key Mechanism of Control" to Republicans across the country.
The booklet lays out a plan to destroy language, to steal it. To assign new meanings to words.
Obviously reasoning occurs mostly through the medium of language, right?
The destruction of reason requires the destruction of language.
Words and phrases of language have become the battleground in political war.
They are either owned or controlled by one side or the other.
(The whole idea that there is only one side or the other is in itself toxic, it's the kind of thinking associated with mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, aggression and, especially, borderline personality disorder. It's an erroneous form of cognition, Where there is a spectrum of possibilities, they are divided only into two parts, with a blurring of distinctions within those categories. Shades of gray are missed; everything is considered either black or white.
Where in actuality complex realities are not binary.)
The goal of political rhetoric is to take control of every word and weaponize it.

Weaponized words are used in twisted ways, often as the opposite of their customary meanings.
The aim of this distorted language is not simply to defeat their political enemy, but to ruin the minds of the people who buy into their rhetoric. A person who can not discern relative truths or reason is much easier to manipulate than one who can.

Here are some recent examples:

We have often heard the person who champions reforms refered to as "elitists"
This is a particularly toxic distortion.
Offering reforms is a basic part of democracy, something that every citizen can do.

Not too long ago, the term “elite” referred to those who had achieved some worthwhile accomplishment; Perhaps reaching the pinnacle of a profession, receiving some type of significant honor, or serving in a high office.

There were once many routes to becoming elite and they all implied having accomplished something beneficial.
Who wants to be elite now?
No one.
The word has been completely corrupted and it's meaning destroyed.

“Little” was always a standard way to describe something small; a child, an amount of time, anything not particularly oversized.

While it wasn’t the most imaginative adjective, it was a useful one.
Now it's definition has become a generic derogation.
Even when spelled correctly, “little” is now demeaning and disrespectful.
When deliberately (or maybe not) misspelled as “liddle”, it’s currently a uniquely nasty insult.
The word“beautiful” is being destroyed as well because it's being applied to projects that are either non-existent, undesirable, or senseless. Things like a health plan that doesn't help anyone with their health,, an absurd wall on the southern border of the United States, or massive corporate tax cuts when revenues are less than expenses. Beautiful now means Jackassery.
Who wants to be beautiful?
No one.
The word has been completely corrupted and it's meaning destroyed.

Take a word like “optics”. Originally, this was a word used in the scientific study of light or transmission and deflection of radiation, it’s now become “the way in which a course of action is perceived by the public”.
(That definition is limited to North American usage. The rest of the world leaves it alone.)
Trump has reduced “optics” to a word marking his appearances on TV; a mere photo-op.

Take the word "promise" A Trump “promise” is not something to keep, but something to break; verified empirical truth has become “fake news”. Thriving, as the New York Times has done within the last year, means “failing’ in the Trump-revised dictionary.

Clichés have been elevated in importance, and the symbol of American decline likes to load up his twit tweets with them.

“Thoughts and prayers” have replaced useful generosity
And they are abundantly offered to despairing refugees, victims of massacres, Gold Star families and the millions who have lost everything to hurricanes, floods and fires.

“Wait and see” is another pet Orange Julius phrase.
It must be repeated the customary twice.
It never refers to anything good , but always yet another impending administrative disaster.

All is not lost because Twitler has inadvertently enlarged our vocabularies in another valuable direction. Words Americans may have forgotten from college courses in Sociology or Psychology 101 and 102 are now readily accessible to everyone! Words such as sociopath, which is still defined as someone “revenge oriented, exhibiting grandiosity, lacking empathy, failure to accept consequences of his own acts, sense of superiority without commensurate achievements, sexual promiscuity, blatant lying, impulsive and compulsive acts, sense of entitlement, paranoia, delusion and aberrant behavior.

Also “malignant narcissism”...it's unavoidable.
So we still at least have those words and their meanings intact.

'Twas The Nocturnal Segment Of The Diurnal Period Preceding The Annual Yuletide Celebration

2017-12-23T20:52:00.000-08:00

                 


'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, 
and throughout our residential dwelling,
kinetic activity was not in evidence 
among the possessors of this potential, 
including that species of domestic rodent
 known as Mus musculus. 

Hosiery was meticulously suspended 
from the forward edge 
of the wood burning caloric apparatus, 
pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation 
from an eccentric philanthropist 
among whose folkloric appellations 
is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, 
comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, 
were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations 
of variegated fruit confections 
moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. 
My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal chapeaus, 
were about to take slumberous advantage 
of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion 
of the grounds there ascended
such a cacophony of dissonance 
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose 
for the purpose of ascertaining 
the precise nature of the source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, 
I forthwith opened the barriers 
sealing this fenestration, 
noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, 
Reflected as it was on the surface 
of a recent crystalline precipitation, 
might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - 
thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs 
to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance 
drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, 
piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur 
so ebullient and nimble 
that it became instantly apparent to me 
that he was indeed an anticipated Yuletide supernatural caller!

With his ungulate motive power 
traveling at what may possibly have been 
more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, 
he vociferated loudly, 
expelled breath musically through contracted labia, 
and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen
 - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al.
 - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, 
through which structure 
I could readily distinguish 
the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, 
and was performing a 180-degree pivot, 
our distinguished visitant achieved 
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - 
entry by way of the smoke passage. 
He was clad entirely in animal pelts 
soiled by the ebony residue 
from oxidations of carboniferous fuels 
which had accumulated on the walls thereof. 
His resemblance to a street vendor 
I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings 
which he bore dorsally 
in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, 
while his submaxillary dermal indentations 
gave every evidence of engaging amiability. 
The capillaries of his malar regions 
and nasal appurtenance were engorged 
with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, 
the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, 
the latter that of the Prunus avium,
or sweet cherry. 
His amusing sub- and supralabials 
resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, 
and their ambient hirsute facial adornment
appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece 
whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, 
were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. 
His visage was wider than it was high, 
and when he waxed audibly mirthful, 
his corpulent abdominal region undulated 
in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup 
in a hemispherical container. 
He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, 
jocund, multigenarian gnome, 
the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome 
despite every effort to refrain from so being. 
By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid 
and rotating his head slightly to one side, 
he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, 
he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery 
with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise 
extracted from his previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. 
Upon completion of this task,
he executed an abrupt about-face, 
placed a single manual digit 
in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, 
inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, 
and forthwith effected his egress 
by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. 
 
He then propelled himself in a short vector 
onto his conveyance, 
directed a musical expulsion of air 
through his contracted oral cavity to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, 
and proceeded to soar aloft 
in a movement hitherto observable 
chiefly among the seed-bearing portions
of a common weed. 
But I overheard his parting exclamation, 
audible immediately prior to his vehiculation 
beyond the limits of visibility: 
"Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, 
and to that self same assemblage, 
my sincerest wishes 
for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period 
between sunset and dawn."

Divided We Stand

2017-11-07T15:37:00.000-08:00

The UNITED states?
Let's be honest here. Not so much.
It may be time to consider that this "union" just isn't valid anymore.
Can there be any common ground at all anymore?
We may have to consider that there is none. None whatsoever.

Consider the liberal ideal, which at its core was always about nurturing new shoots of enlightenment and a belief that such enlightenment was as likely to spring up in a farmhouse dinner table, or on a ghetto block, as at some great center of power or finance. The promise of liberalism was that we would reach out toward one another, focus on building and connecting. A belief that all Americans and beyond could participate and benefit from diverse, democratic, and yes, brilliant societies, “the broad, sunlit uplands” that Churchill envisioned, or Dr. King’s “nation that will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed.”
But that was long ago now.
I would certainly prefer to persuade people to work together, to find common goals.
That is, after all, what elections are supposed to be about—instead of, say, suborning the head of the FBI, or getting foreigners to commit felonies on your behalf.
It’s true that even the most dominant of powers can be dissolved by the right idea, carried forward by enough people who believe in it. The Republican landslides of the 1920s were reversed nearly overnight when they ran up against the liberal program of the New Deal.
Meanwhile Republicans tried to pretend, in 1932 that the Great Depression was already over. (WASN’T THE DEPRESSION TERRIBLE? read their billboards).
But that isn't likely going to happen again.

We now live in a world where concrete reality is replaced with delusions.
A world where President Obama was somehow a secret Kenyan, and Clinton runs a pizza take out joint that has child sex slaves in the back. A world of complete and obvious bullshit.
Where the most greedy immoral opportunist is a champion of the "common man", and unethical hollow men who lie every time they open their mouths somehow are stalwarts of Christianity.

The reality is there is little hope of any conversation with people who willingly choose a fantasy to live in over observable reality. Why would there be hope of common ground between people who seek to find economic justice, and those who seek it's destruction? Between desire to build, and desire to destroy? Between funding new research to improve our lot, and funding a creationist unicorn museum?

The truth is there isn't much in common.We can not find common cause in public policy when we do not even share something resembling the same idea of objective reality. It is a tragedy that so much of the work that so many men and women toiled at for so long to make this a better country, and a better world, has been thrown away, leaving us all in such needless peril.
To fall to this place, with this hollow man assuming leadership, is in itself a refutation of the hope that sustained human progress is possible and will prevail.
What remains for those of us who are not fooled by a parade of fascism wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross, is to regroup, to salvage what we might, and to begin again where we can.
This is the bleakest new reality of all: That common ground is gone. Trumpists don’t read or listen to legitimate news sources. They don’t even care what a legitimate news source is, as the rise of all those fake news sites has demonstrated. Two-thirds of them believe that unemployment rose under Obama, (even though his policies actually cut it by more than half). Only 17 percent of Trumpists acknowledge that Obamacare has driven the percentage of Americans without health insurance to a record low. Exactly what is the messaging strategy to win over those willing to believe that a routine military training exercise is a UN attempt to conquer Texas? Or any of the other bizarre and inane conspiracy theories that are now promulgated daily as the gospel truth not just by a few, fringe elements but by leading members of Trump's government’s security apparatus? Thanks to the last election, the federal and state judiciaries Republicans will now fill with far-right ideologues who will rubber-stamp every one of the voter suppression tactics the GOP currently employs, along with any new devilry that Trump and his insurgent saboteurs dream up.
And once the president delivers on his campaign promise to Jerry Falwell Jr. and other evangelical leaders by making it legal for churches and other nonprofit organizations to funnel tax-deductible donations directly to political candidates, we can expect a fresh Niagara of cash to pour into our elections, one that will make Citizens United look like a dried up little creek during climate change. Perhaps it is just time to admit this marriage just isn't working and everyone in it is miserable.
Besides, what have the righties always wanted? Pay no taxes, have no federal authority, dismantle the social safety net, loot social security, and kill medicare.
So perhaps we should just do all that...I mean Trump and Ryan will do their best to accomplish that anyway...but why resist? And why stop there? Just dissolve the whole mess.
Let the "liberal" areas create a new federalism. A new alliance. And let the red states form their confederate states again.
let’s be clear: The problem isn’t that Trump won, thanks to fatally antiquated Electoral College (is there another republic in the world, or indeed the history of the world, where a party has won a national election by nearly three million votes and still lost?) that was designed for the 13 colonies who shared many common political goals and interests.
This hasn't been the case for a long time.
The problem is that he has made it abundantly clear that he intends to rule without regard for the Constitution, let alone the majority of Americans (who actually voted against him.)
In this new alliance, we would be free to use our revenues for the things that matter to us.
Infrastructure, a high speed rail system, a new modern electrical grid, public education, research, things that improve our standard of living. The truth is, most of the "trump states" are a drain on our treasury anyway. 20 of the 26 states most dependent on federal aid went to Trump.
Take Mississippi (please!), famous for being 49th or 50th in everything. When it comes to sucking at the federal teat, the Magnolia State is the undisputed champ. More than 40 percent of Mississippi’s state revenue comes from federal funding; one-third of its GDP comes from federal spending; for every dollar it pays out in federal taxes, it takes in $4.70 in federal aid; one in five residents are on food stamps—all national highs. Your Trump-loving congressmen will discover if and when they fulfill their vow to gut the social safety net that most of it's recipients are actually in their states. Bullshit rhetoric may rule now, but take their food stamps away and see if the reality of starvation doesn't make them turn on your privileged sorry asses.

We in the new alliance, certainly have no need to control other people’s bodies, sex lives, and recreational habits. We’ll be creating cities and states that will defend human rights and sensible gun control. Trump states may still think FEMA is some kind of liberal welfare scam? Poof—it’s gone! We will never again have beg the people you elected to office to help us in the wake of what should have been considered national tragedies, such as September 11 and Hurricane Sandy. Meanwhile, best of luck with all those tornadoes, floods, hurricanes, forest fires, and—all new!—Oklahoma fracking-earthquakes you always seem to be having.
What’s the matter with Kansas? They went broke enacting right wing nut job economics?
Nothing trickled down? Who cares! This is the good thing about a divorce—the chance to get all of your crazy, deadbeat in-laws out of the house.
How can we save Detroit? Hey, she’s your baby now. Didn’t you say something about the private sector, or maybe casinos, or that mortgage loans guy who owns the Cleveland Cavaliers? I’m sure that’ll work out just fine for you.
With all the extra money we’ll have, we can fund own Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid systems once Paul Ryan manages to “privatize” them for you Trump Staters. And what city is all that privatized money likely to come to, on its way to the markets? Oh, right, New York, The one which you hate so much! All those extra Wall Street bonuses and dividends will really help the local economy!
the Northeast Corridor is the only part of our national train system that makes an operating profit. But every year, your Trump State congressmen threaten to pull the plug on Amtrak unless it continues to guarantee daily, money-losing service to all the little towns out on the prairie, in empty, gas guzzling red states like Montana, Idaho, Nebraska, and Kansas. Then you go right back to fulminating about how much Amtrak costs. This is the legislative equivalent of Cleavon Little in Blazing Saddles holding himself hostage at gunpoint to fend off a lynch mob.
Go ahead, end your federal Amtrak subsidies. In their place, The new alliance will build fantastic, new high-speed rail systems of our own. They’ll run past our state-of-the-art wind farms, fiber-optic networks, and highways that recharge our self-driving cars as we travel. Do not bother us about money to repair your Trump State airports since, as you always claim, we will just be flying over them anyway.There are still a few kinks to work out, of course. What to do, for instance, about the likes of Illinois and Minnesota, blue states adrift in a red sea? Or all those individual “blue cities” trapped in red states, like Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, or Cleveland and Columbus? We’ll need to reach cooperative agreements with them to exchange goods and services as needed. They will become stops on our new information superhighways, or on our superfast rail networks, or self-driving highways. Our cool new trains and cars will glide past you all the faster, now that we don’t have to stop in between.
Be sure to wave!

Trump Makes A Big League Plan To Benefit From Irma Victims

2017-09-11T01:29:00.000-07:00

Scientists reported that not only was the hurricane massive, but it was full of sharks!

Trump scrambles to produce more campaign hats for “the big crowds I expect for me in San Juan and Miami”

In response to Hurricane Irma, President Trump has laid out ambitious plans to ensure that he and his family will generously benefit from the recent hurricane catastrophe. Printing up another 50,000 “USA” and “Make America Great Again” hats and dropping the price from $40 to $35 because “Even though the economy sucks for everyone but millionaires, I want to be sure everyone down there can afford at least one of my feel good hats. I’ve also instructed Melania to reduce the price of her FLOTUS caps. This should provide some instant relief for those crackers and hispanics.”

To aid Puerto Rico, he plans on shipping 300,000 tacos from the Trump Tower Grill, where “the best taco bowls are made,” to San Juan at a slight discount. “I love Hispanics!” He said. "I love to grab 'em."

"Mmmm, Taco Bowls! Covfefe!"

The president will offer a great package of incentives for Jewish residents who wish to move out of Florida, “but they must act fast and no whining about where I send them.” Mr. Trump said most would be relocated to ruby red states in the West where their traditionally left-leaning votes wouldn’t matter. He added that the incentives would likely include “a box of Trump steaks and five slot tokens per Jew to be used at any one of my Trump casinos.” He also said he appreciates that a storm of this magnitude can be traumatic for victims in its path and they will need to rest and unwind afterwards. That’s why he is happy to offer storm victims 10% off annual memberships to his bankrupt and shuttered Trump International Golf Club Puerto Rico, where new golf club members are free to play at their leisure with the understanding that the club is not responsible for injuries due to zero maintenance on the course for the past two years.

Irma Victims are invited to play golf at Trump International Golf Club Puerto Rico

The president has also announced a “Blowout Buy-Back Program” for his immediate family, cabinet members, and White House staff authorizing them to purchase post-Irma, condemned properties in Puerto Rico and Florida at one cent on the dollar, with no property taxes for 25 years. Republican congressional representatives will also be considered for the “Blowout Buy-Back Program” on an individually-considered basis.

I'll buy your flood zone property at the very fair rate of 1cent on the dollar!
That may make you homeless, but you'll be a homeless winner.
If you won't sell I'll condemn it and you'll just be a homeless loser!

In some areas hit by Hurricane Irma, personal property loss will be a major factor, like clothing damaged by rising floodwaters.

Get out of that flooded basement and into a pair of Donald J. Trump slacks!!!

In some areas hit by Hurricane Irma, personal property loss will be a major factor, like clothing damaged by rising floodwaters. The president is ready to assist with storm slashed prices on all Donald J. Trump Signature Collection suits, dress shirts, and ties. Daughter Ivanka will also be dropping the price tag on her stunning line of office and evening wear for women!
The president tweeted, “No man or woman should miss a day of work because they don’t have the right attire. Irma be damned — you can still look and feel great in Trump branded apparel!”

The availability of clean water is always a problem after a major rainfall. Hurricanes flood rivers and overwhelm reservoirs. President Trump has ordered 300,ooo cases of his “pure as rain” Trump Natural Spring Water to be trucked into hard hit areas. Each bottle is emblazoned with the smiling, reassuring face of the president. Only 9 dollars a bottle!

Note: Water will be available to NRA members and Caucasians only.

List Of The Things Trump Says Are Worse Than Nazis

2017-08-15T03:00:00.000-07:00

The FBI
Joe Scarborough
John McCain
Journalists
Rosie O Donnell
The United Nations
The View
Macys
Forbes Magazine
Scientists
Superbowl 50
Todd Rundgren
Kenneth C. Frazier (CEO of Merck)

European Allies
Mean People On Twitter
Angela Merkel!
The Mayor Of London
The cast of Saturday Night Live
Renewable Energy
United Steelworkers Local 1999
Megyn Kelly's Period
The Prime minister of Montenegro
President Obama
Major League Baseball
CNN

Stephen Colbert
The Popular Vote
Penn Jillette's Las Vegas show
Mexico
Federal Judges
Nordstrum
Snoop Dogg
Sally Yates
General Motors
Sweden
Mika Brzezinski
Chuck Todd's Goatee
Urbans (Keith?)
Australia
Women
Gold Star Parents
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Polls
Transgendered Military Personnel
Vanity Fair (for a bad review of the food in one of his properties)
Neil Young
Mitch McConnell
The New York Times
Ted Cruz's Wife
The Cast Of Hamilton
The State of New Jersey
Pretty much everything else
except for fucking Nazis

Trump- Pootin' America First! - (He that Smelt It)

2017-07-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, is it just me?
Or does anyone else find the irony of Trump and Putin being world leaders and also being synonyms for farts too funny not to point out?

What will happen when they meet?
I don't know but I wouldn't light a match in that room!
Best open a window!

Pootin' says "Conflatulations on your election"
Welcome to Trump Towers

Farty on dudes.

It's the New Whirled Odor.

So we have President Poop Fart...no wonder Europeans can't trust him!

You might say these two have an inflatulation...Many people suffer from eggs o' stenchial angst because of these two world leaders.

Yes, I know this post stinks.

Huge Savings On Great Music

2017-07-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

Making room at CD Baby for the new release "Step Into Liquid", the previous releases are offered for the next week at ludicrous prices. Save big! Order today!
Physical CDs are only 5 dollars!!!!
Downloads of albums are cheap too!
It's Christmas in July! Give yourself a gift!

Shitty Holiday Music List -The Worst Of The Worst

2016-12-26T04:14:00.000-08:00

Ok Christmas is over, let's make our yearly lists ...I'll start with the worst holiday music I heard over the last month. Here it is gang. It was not easy but here are the 10 worst Christmas songs heard over the last month by this reporter.

(1) Home For Christmas – N’SYNC
The lyric “You can light the fire
I’m sending out this wire (sendin’ a wiii-yahhh)”
… was the point for me where this horrid excuse for a song spun into the wall of tires at Joe's Tire Shop, sending warm fragments of Goodyears all over the place. Oh, and if any tinpot has been 'boyband' actually tried to light an open fire they would not find it easy. You can not just casually farm this out to someone through the medium of a crap ballad, that’s for certain. And it’s not like they offered to lob in a few dried twigs or lighter fluid, either…
Throw this one on the fire.
(2) This Christmas – Christina Aguilera
Before being royally stitched up by Maroon 5, any song involving Christina Aguilera used to always share exactly the same overriding theme – i.e. how great Christina Aguilera is, from the perspective of Christina Aguilera. Nowadays, however, musical wallpaper Adam Levine has the distinction of being the first ever musical collaborator to quash Aguilera’s trademark vocal into such indistinguishable middle-of-the-road mulch that you just have to take their word for it that she is on the recording at all. Maybe she helped them shift their stuff round the studio or something, or provided essential “vibes” throughout the recording. Anyway, This Christmas, surprisingly, is going to be a special Christmas for – wait for it – Christina Aguilera. From the point-of-view of Christina Aguilera, at any rate…
(3) Christmas in the Caribbean – Jimmy Buffett
Ah, here’s a promising concept. Hopefully the songwriter has immersed himself into island culture and really tried to imagine the festive season through the eyes of the people who live their lives in the Caribbean day-to-day, as opposed to, say, chucking together a bunch of pernicious clichés about their perceived easy-going approach to life, nice weather, and how everyone’s always happy all the time…
[3 minutes and 8 seconds later]
No. Didn’t think so.
(4) Eight Days of Christmas – Destiny’s Child
A pair of Chloe shades, a diamond belly ring, a nice back rub, some massaged feet (own), a crap jacket, some dirty denim jeans, a poem, a candlelit dinner, a gift certificate, the keys to a CLK Mercedes, and some quality t-i-m-e (basically, all the t-i-m-e outside the realms of this particular three-and-a-half minutes)…
Meanwhile, Kelly Rowland had to make do with some used Lego and a penny whistle, whilst Michelle Someone-or-other just got a hastily-written card bought from a gas station…
(5) Santa Baby – Madonna
When I first heard this one, I assumed it was just a bit of drunken piano-leaning from a long-forgotten eighties shlockmonger such as Bette Midler or Cyndi Lauper. I mean, this doesn’t even sound like … this … just sounds weird…
Madonna may have had some kind of bet on as to what she could release that Gwen Stefani wouldn’t immediately pilfer? You know, sort of a musical equivalent of the time Bill Hicks famously gave up smoking just to see if Denis Leary would follow suit?
Anyway throw this in the rubbish heap and never darken my ears with this again.
(6) My Grown Up Christmas List – Barbara Streisand
Ah, Barbara Streisand. She’s got a nose for a good tune. I’m sorry.
(7) Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Michael Bolton
Basically, any attempt to make a recording of Michael Bolton is a complete waste of recording equipment, studio time, electricity and oxygen. Oh, and in this case, saxophones and pianos that go “ker-plink-a-plinkity-plinkity-plinkity-plonk-plonk-plonk-plonk”…kill me now.
(8) All I Want For Christmas is a Real Good Tan – Kenny Chesney
That’s coincidental, actually, because all I want for Christmas is a condescending, cliché-ridden country track whose trite lyricism makes 3 Blind Mice seem like a Bob Dylan masterpiece.
And Chesney doesn’t disappoint on that front, either – check out THIS howler:
“Well if you’re thinkin’ ‘bout gettin’ me a present this year
Let me put a bug in your cute little ear…”
Yes, it does, doesn’t it? Worse than sundried vomit combined with fresh dogshit, in fact. And if you think THAT’S bad, take a look at Exhibit B:
“Don’t worry, baby, we’ll celebrate plenty
I’ll buy you some shades and a brand new bikini…”
Alright, he got all the way up to the word “plenty” and thought “Oh fuck, there’s no word that rhymes with ‘plenty’ and, not wishing to ruin any of his previous hard work, simply fudged the next line hoping no-one would notice. But he’s right. There is no word which rhymes with “plenty”. The nearest I can think up off-hand is “anal-entry”, so maybe Kenny can work his lyrical magic on that one next time…
And THIS…
“Rockin’ to and fro with the rhythm of the ocean
Singin’ Silent Night with the palm trees blowin’…”
… will probably just get you committed if you hear it more than once.
(9) I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Jimmy Boyd
Interestingly, this is the 2^nd track on this 10-song list by a person called Jimmy, meaning that, statistically, if you’re born in the US and called Jimmy/James, you are 20% likely to feature in a shit Christmas song! And that’s undeniable scientific FACT, ladies and gentlemen … *needlessly slams fist on desk*.
And you can’t argue with cold, hard logic at the end of the day…
(10) The Christmas Shoes – Newsong
I don’t want to sound heartless or anything, but did the kid really have to leave it until Christmas Eve to buy those shoes? And the man out of Newsong, he’s not much better, either. I mean, a kid with an ill mum is one thing, but what excuse has a fully-grown adult man got for doing his Christmas shopping on Chrimbo Eve? And he was in the line BEHIND the boy, meaning, if anything, he’d left it that much later than that poor, blameless little scamp with the ill mum. Actually, kid, you’re off the hook as far as I’m concerned – go and be with your mother – she’s lucky to have a son like you. Not like THIS knobhead who stood behind you – come on, Newsong man, let’s at least see what you’re buying…
*peers inside bag*
What’s this? Some sunglasses and … a bikini … do you KNOW what time of year it … hey, hang on a minute…

Things To Do at Christmas Time...

2016-12-16T00:11:00.000-08:00

Give a woman with no arms a "Clapper".

Arrange holiday plush toys in obscene poses.

Hijack a mall Christmas Train

Make a gingerbread crackhouse.

Burn some cookies.

Decorate Santa's Skeleton.

Put an elf on the shelf in a rude pose.

Steal a road cone and decorate it like a Christmas Tree.

Donate the worst Christmas tree you can find to a local church,
they'll be obligated to display it.

Dress like a shithead and walk around the mall.

Push a tree down on some TV sports announcer.

Bake rude cookies.

This Is What Happens When You Go Shopping With Teenagers

2016-11-27T00:27:00.000-08:00

Quasi-Epistemology Of Spherical Chickens In The Standard Model Semi-Constant ...or Entropy: It Ain't What It Used To Be

2016-10-23T03:56:00.000-07:00

Psychologists tell us the logical mind has a strong bias towards thinking in terms of cause and effect. Neuroscientists suggest reality itself is merely a construct of one's own brain. Physicists can't seem to focus on a solution because they have too many ions in the fire. So where do we turn for a definitive semi-constant?
The National Buffoon of course.
Humans seem to have a need to search for a cause for the first effect, the formation of the Universe.
We tend to frame this in terms of a spherical chicken-or-egg conundrum, a flawed a priori hypothesis. Since no success has been achieved using reason, the time has come for illogical acausal explanations.

Logical thinkers have a bias to associate “logical” with “true”, and “illogical” with “false”.
Yet clearly Gödel’s incompleteness theorem tells us that there are true propositions which can not be proven within any given logically consistent system. These propositions are logically discontinuous, or not to put too fine a point on it, illogical but true.

Consider the universe forming into a flat, featureless, dimensionless, and timeless void. This is the so-called Big Bang which pops Mass, Energy, Space and Time (MEST) into existence. In the absence of MEST there is a corresponding absence of physical law. In the absence of physical law there is nothing to preclude something from happening for no reason. Once a MEST is made, it's difficult to clean up...and it imposes the physical laws which govern what can happen next.

According to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, the product of the conjugate attributes of a particle’s momentum and position, and, more interestingly, a virtual particle’s energy and the time duration of its existence, can be no greater than Planck’s constant, h bar (the bar is short for the big bang..BARROOM! or Bar Room as we will refer to it in this article). The accountancy of energy conservation allows for inaccurate balances. Nature (as well as Wall Street Banking concerns) take these liberties right up to the theoretical limit.

So it seems that if a particle with the mass-energy content of the Universe pops into being and hangs around for as long as it has suggests that the value of h would have to be many, many, many times larger than its current value to be proportional to the initial void it had to expand into. This particle with infinite energy popping into existence and expanding at an infinite rate for an infinitesimal amount of time yields a value of h which is in sore need of renormalization.
Infinities are pesky. These particular annoying infinities need to be managed mathematically.

As the threads of space spread out into the void of nothingness, nature’s freedom to create was confined to the interstices. Creative freedom is only indirectly a function of the fabric of space. It is more directly related to the space between the threads, the bubbles in the froth of the residue of the Big Bar-Room. Thus as the voids shrank to the current Planck scale, so did the value of h. This mechanism prevents one universe from mounting the next. It is something akin to what the Urban Dictionary might call a cosmic Johnson Jamming Signal, Beefstick Barricade, Occlusion Occluder or Heavy Hindrance of Hiding Holographic Salami.

There are numerous terms for the universe's creative freedom :

Quintessence
Vacuum potential
Hoover Maneuvers
Primordial Pressure Parameters
Void Family Values,
Einsteinian Isomorphic Archaeo-Inanity Expectation
Dork Energy

All terms for the Cosmological Quasiconstant, ☺.
It is an imaginary, transcendental function of volume:
☺ = :-) (4/3)πtc^iπ

Where t = time, c = speed of light, and :-) ,
the probability of stuff filling in the space between the space which is considerably less than unity.

So you have this single virtual wave-particle.
It is unimaginably energetic, incredibly hot. So hot, it would make the particle want to turn around and go back where it came from. This is called virtual spin or "The Ding Dang Big Bang Birth Pang".
(If all of this sounds preposterously illogical to you, then you have just earned your diploma from Ben's School O' Quantum Mechanics On Line. Congratulations.

Meanwhile Back in our local universe,
space itself was in the process of being defined,
all possible spaces existed simultaneously in superposition.
Dimensions, curvatures, orbifolds and spherical chickens all being tried on for size.

Initially, energy dominates. This all-bosonic wave function is coherent and represents pure information. Intercommunication across its entire horizon is instantaneous following Bell’s nonlocality theorem for quantum entangled states. Virtual spin was responsible for the first symmetry-breaking phase transition. The single original field split into photons and gravitons. Photons decided to be spin one. Gravitons are thinking about being spin two, but since no valid scientific observation has actually been made, the decision is still in superposition.
Don’t look at me; I didn’t make this part up !

The second phase transition occurred when the fermions split off and decided to be spin one-half. The Pauli exclusion pressure between these fermions caused an instantaneous quantum leap as they separated. In economic language we could say, too few gravitons chasing too many fermions causes inflation. At this point, space acquired a fractal nature. Compactified dimensions count as less than one each. The three main dimensions and all of the other compactified dimensions add up to, oh, say 3.1416… or thereabouts. Now, the fermions form a second sphere, expanding outward at less than the speed of light, obeying the speed limit set by Einstein with special relativity. All of the photons and gravitons in the first sphere but outside the second sphere continue on outward, never to be reabsorbed. This breaks time symmetry.

The Beauty is Truth in Physical Law Act of 1939 states that CPT — charge, parity, and time taken all together — should be a perfect symmetry. If time symmetry is broken, then CP symmetry is also broken. The second phase transition brought with it the second law of thermodynamics, and our old nemesis, entropy. Entropy is the bane of information. Entropy eats information for lunch. When information goes to the other side of the ledger book, wave functions start collapsing all over the place. Galactic eggs are formed. Spherical Chickens are hatched.

The speed of new bosons still emitted on a regular basis far outstrips the speed of the fermions which emit them, and a portion of them escapes from the second sphere to the first, never to be reabsorbed. The escaping gravitons constitute leakage and there is no cosmic Pampers.
Just as Newton’s laws of motion had to be modified by special relativity, so his third law must be modified: For every action there is an almost equal and opposite reaction.
This is a slight asymmetry of dualities. The expansive force of quintessence causes the retractive force of gravity, but not with perfect symmetry.
Quintessence is conserved but gravity leaks out, so it is not conserved.
This explains the increase in the rate of expansion of the universe of late.
It is still unclear whether this leakage occurs because the bosons are not conserved, or that they are not conserved because they are leaking. Sort of what came first? The Spherical Chicken or the Egg...or maybe a Polygonal Lobster for that matter...hey anything is possible...but not everything is probable.

The other quasiconstants, G, h, and c, change with the changes of the threads of the corduroy of the cosmos. They change rapidly at phase changes and much more slowly otherwise. Look for a yearly rate of change on the order of one part in 13.7 billion. The fabric of spacetime is woven from wave-entangled timelines of the point-like or, time-sheets of string-like particles.

As noted earlier, nature takes its freedom not from the fabric of spacetime but from the voids in between. It is within these voids where the laws of cause and effect are not enforced. As new particles add new threads to the warp and weave, the voids diminish in size, and G, h, and c diminish proportionally. This does have an effect, but not so much that you would notice.
Don’t mess about with the fine structure constant. It works fine just the way it is.

As our universe expands out and dies its heat death, the size of the gaps in the fabric increases. The value of h again becomes very large. In fact, the remnants of one Universe might mediate and fine-tune the initial values of each succeeding Universe. One might have to wait a million billion trillion years for it to happen, but the cauldron of creation boils eventually when there is no one there to watch it.

To sum it up, we now have the standard model of cosmology.
If the sciences were funded adequately, we might have had the deluxe model.
And Plasma of course...is...another matter. :P

Confirmation that lexical order induces thermodynamic order...or... Is That bigotry in your pocket or is language being destroyed?

2016-10-21T04:19:00.001-07:00

Turning harmless words into weapons of mass distraction.
The entire reason for Orwell’s destruction of language was to literally narrow the person’s ability to think certain thoughts. It’s beyond thought crime, and it’s happening right here, right now.
Doesn’t matter what year your calendar says, it’s 1984.

Orwellian Thought Crime
"You must be a bigot if you point out bigotry"
Orwell’s destruction of language was to literally narrow the person’s ability to think certain thoughts.
Recently in comments regarding an article suggesting that the Dunning-Kruger effect likely plays a big role in the Trump campaign and among it's supporters someone suggested it was bigotry to make this suggestion. Now I would like to believe that I am a reasonable guy, that any views I hold or entertain are always under personal criticism and scrutiny...that when presented with new information I would have the ability to alter even a long held view if new info disproved it.

I'd like to believe that any constructive criticism someone may offer is fairly evaluated and considered.
Is it bigotry to generalize about a group in a scientific study?
Is it bigotry to make observations of one group and compare them to another?
Is the very act of suggesting there IS a group bigotry?
Vocabulary.com defines bigotry as : the intolerance and prejudice of a bigot.
It further discusses the word -

"If a person is intolerant of other ideas, races, or religions, we call that person a bigot. The intolerance expressed by that bigot is called bigotry. Bigotry is ugly.
There are different types of bigotry — like religious bigotry or racist bigotry. Although bigotry can mean any form of intolerance or prejudice, when the word is used alone, it is most often understood to mean racial bigotry. The bigotry behind Jim Crow laws that separated races in the 1950s seems unbelievable to most modern teenagers."

So on a personal level I ask myself if I exhibit an intolerance for others beliefs?
I imagine to a degree yes...I have a low tolerance for intolerance..I am quite guilty of often lumping right wing opinions into the propaganda rubbish pile.
( In my defense, this seems to come from experience. After all, ever since it's inception, conservatism has been an argument for one group to dominate others in society something that has no place in the modern world in my view. And I have clearly observed that conservatives have historically never been right. They have always been on the wrong side of every issue. Women's Sufferage, Human Bondage, Civil Rights, Social Security, consumer protection, labor laws, human rights, etc...all opposed by the conservatives of the day).

Yet if we imagine ourselves a tolerant people, intolerant ideas certainly must be permitted to be freely expressed. Free speech, after all; is easy until you have to let speech that offends YOU be expressed.
Yet tolerating ideas we find offensive is one thing, while restrictions on criticizing them may be something else entirely.
That's something of a rabbit hole to go down.
Does it mean in order not to be bigoted, one must accept bigotry?
Or not point it out if it appears to be related to a group of people?
Does it mean we can never make any observations about any group for fear of generalization?
Does it negate the mere possibility of generalizations?
If so, what does that mean about the mathematics of Statistics?
Social Science? Psychology?
Or further, does it mean even suggesting there are such things as groups, is in itself bigoted.
How far down this paradoxical rabbit hole thought experiment do we wish to go?
Some generalizations it seems are useful.
Some are not.
Some are harmful.

In our capacity as human beings we do make generalizations about our experiences.
We should of course keep an open mind and critique our judgements in this regard.
Are such generalizations bigotry?
Are they always bigotry?
I confess I personally have no definitive conclusion.

I posit that there is more to this than meets the eye though.
Frankly there has been something of an assault on language for ideological purposes.
Evidence of this can be clearly seen when in the course of public discourse when attempts are made to break down reason and replace it with some desired mental association.
For example, there is an infamous memo from Newt Gingrich called
"Language: A Key Mechanism of Control".

It advised Republican candidates to associate themselves with words like "building", "dream", "freedom", "learn", "light", "preserve", "success", and "truth" while associating opponents with words like "bizarre", "decay", "ideological", "lie", "machine", "pathetic", and "traitors". The issue here is not whether these words are used at all; of course there do exist individuals that could be described using any of these words. The issue, rather, is cognitive surgery: systematically creating and destroying mental associations with a purposeful disregard for truth.
Notice that in fact, "truth" is indeed one of the words that Gingrich advised appropriating in this fashion.
Someone who thinks this way cannot ever begin to conceptualize truth.

So the desire of anti-democracy ideologues is to remove the ability of those who would criticize their anti-democratic activities and to curtail the flow of democratic ideas. There is abundant evidence that one of the ways they do this is by intentionally destroying language.
Language is the medium through which ideas flow.

Language is systematically mapped and words historically used to describe potentates and the traditional authorities in their service , these potentates have purposefully twisted those words into terms used against those who oppose such plutocracy. This tactic both attacks the opponents of democracy and more importantly deprives them of the words that can be used to attack aristocracy.

A simple example is the term "race-baiting". In the Nexis database, uses of "race-baiting" undergo a sudden switch in the early 1990's.
Before then, "race-baiting" referred to racists.
Afterward, it referred in a twisted way to people who oppose racism.
What happened?
It's simple: conservative rhetoricians were tired of the political advantage that their opponents had from their use of that word, and took it away from them.

A more complicated example is the word "racist".
Language revisionist rhetoricians have tried to take this word away as well by constantly coming up with new ways to stick the word onto liberals and their policies.
For example they referred to affirmative action as "racist".
Obviously this is false; it is an example of this attempt to destroy language.
Racism is the notion that one race is intrinsically better than another.
Affirmative action is arguably discriminatory, as a means of partially offsetting discrimination in other places and times, but it is not racist.
Pro-aristocracy spokesmen have even stuck the word "racist" on people for opposing racism.
The notion seems to be that these people addressed themselves to the topic of race, and the word "racist" is sort of an adjective relating somehow to race.
In any event this is an attack on language.
Which is the medium of ideas.
And ideas form the basis of civilization.
Ultimately the attack on language is an attack on civilization itself.

In summary, is it bigotry to point out bigotry in a group?
To speak of it as generally a characteristic of that group?
Or is suggesting this yet another example of destruction of language?
Which is a blow against democracy and civilization itself.
If so, how can such an attack on civilization be thwarted?

Teach logic.
Teach critical thinking.

(This is the article that started the hoopla.)

Agonizing Awful Fashions You Should Wear (At The Same Time!)

2016-10-10T01:59:00.000-07:00

The dumbest of all fashion statements ever...EVER.
There is a consensus that the trend began in prisons.
It signifies you are someone's "bitch", and the pants are positioned for easy access.
How it became a popular trend is hard to fathom.
But none of that matters really, it's awful and stupid aesthetically.

Ok, we know it’s supposed to be ART.
We know it’s a CONCEPT, but at the end of the day it is often hilarious.
Let's have some nyuks and giggles here as we examine some of the more...er artistic ideas that have inexplicably been embraced by shills, lemmings, and buffoons everywhere over time.

The Wallet Chain Gang.

Wallet chains provide little to no function in both the practical and aesthetic sense,
but at least people wearing them will drown faster!

The Choker

No, it's not a Gotham City denizen.
So, want to bring to mind an act of extreme, life-threatening aggression?
No? . . . . .Right answer.
Unless you are active in the Sado-masochism club down the road, pass on this one.

The Leisure Suit

♫ 'Nothing could be stanker than leisure suits on wankers in the mornin' ♫

Tramp Stamps....

There is a clue as to why people should avoid these things is in the name.
It's tacky as a doorknob in a sorority house.

The Deep V

All the more offensive for how prevalent it remains, the Deep V is a staple of both douchebag summer and DOUCHEBAG winter.

Cats Eye Glasses
"Everyone likes cat eyes, right?"
Cold, judgmental, yellow. Nothing better. "Let's make people look like that."
Said some sadist...and they were listened to.

The Powdered Wig

So funny that you can't help but laugh at whoever's wearing one.
There's a reason for contempt of court. The first wigs were made from the hair of horses and goats and were filth laden due to the limited technologies of the day. They smelled of dung and tended to attract lice. In an effort to ward off the bugs as well as mitigate the stench, they were sprayed with powder...usually lavender or orange scented.

Zubaz Pants...

Other than hiding an extremely overflowed diaper...there is no reason for this.
Originally appeared in the 80s, but because arsonists were lazy, warehouses remain that are overflowing with these loathsome items. They keep trying to bring them back and unload the old stock.
Give up all hope.

The Shiny Shell Suit

Pretty much the aesthetic equivalent of a puddle of vomit.
One of the many reasons the 80s sucked.

Those Shakespeare Collar Things
A quick google search reveals their actual name is "ruff collars", which is silly, but still not nearly silly enough to illustrate just how outrageously silly the things actually are.

Hairy Boots

Just say no to hairy boots.
Avoid wearers like the plague.

The Male Camel Toe.
Nothing says "I make bad decisions!" quite like the Male Camel Toe. It Must Go!
Ughhh!

The 80s Big Shoulder

You'd make the stankface too if you were ever seen in these things.
The larger the shoulder the smaller the brain...er...both of them.
Crocks.

Completely and objectively hideous, right? They're so, so, egregiously terrible that the people wearing them are in on some kind of hilarious long-form performance art that reveals that the universe is made entirely of shit.
Parachute Pants

Aptly named since you will be thrown out of the plane if you wear them.

Gauged Ears

Synonymous with the phrase "Permanently Unemployed".
If you're a rational, marginally normal person,
possessing an IQ that qualifies you to ride the bus unsupervised,
there's literally no excuse.

JNCOs

Without a doubt, this is the most horrid and vile fashion ever imagined.
Because of the existence of JNCOs, we can't help but hope for some kind of disastrous, apocalyptic event to occur and wipe out all known human history. Partly because any species that developed these monstrosities doesn't deserve to be at the top of the food chain, and partly because we can just imagine future archaeologists, millions of years from now, finding a fossilized pair of these ridiculous things and wondering what the hell could have possibly happened for these things to be a good idea. They'll never know, and neither will we.

The Truth Is Out! Ted Cruz Revealed To Be An Alien!

2016-03-19T09:26:00.000-07:00

Yes folks, that's right, you heard right. National Buffoon investigative reporters have discovered that the Koch industries hatchet man, Edwardo Raphael Cruz is in fact some sort of alien creature sent to earth to tenderize human brains for consumption by his species. "Human brains are delicious" said Cruz. I particularly enjoy them with some fava beans and some nice Chianti". He went on to say "But only Evangelical brains are really tender and moist, there are very few folds in them." "They form perfect turds!" he proudly proclaimed. Cruz is believed to have come from Uranus and like the bug alien in the movie M.I.B., he is uncomfortable in human skin. National Buffoon reporters managed to photograph Cruz in his true form (the photo above is merely a "costume" he wears to appear more like a human). Below is the clip of Cruz in his true form, eating guests at his $1,000.00 dollar a plate presidential war chest dinner.

How Do You Celebrate Festival Of Sleep Day? (January 3rd)

2016-01-03T14:14:00.000-08:00

January 3rd is Festival Of Sleep Day.

by National Buffoon
Somniloquent Reporter
BARB BITUITTE

The Festival Of Sleep Day
is one of the most unanticipated
and unimportant holidays
in all of human inactivity.

Remember friends,
sleep allows human bodies to rest, heal, & develop.
Sleep aids in memory processing and preservation.
While the lack of sleep, or poor sleep;
can have multiple negative effects
on the inhuman body and mind.

First, find a comfortable place to snooze...

HOW TO CELEBRATE

STEP 1 - Decide whether you want to sleep alone, with someone else, a pet or stuffed animal.
cuddle with your pet while you take a nap; if the pet escapes, you can always punch them in the face. If you chose to sleep with someone else & they attempt to leave, sedate them (for sedative choices, consult an expert.)

STEP 2 - Determine how long you wish to "celebrate".
You may opt for a power nap because you have work to accomplish later, a cat nap for a few hours, or quality time with your pillow for the entire day. Don't tell yourself that you need to wake up and do something productive instead of sleeping. If you can't sleep, just stay in bed all day!

STEP 3 -Dress appropriately. Proper sleep wear is critical for comfortable snoozing.
Be sure to count each layer of blanket material as one layer in general.

Sprawl out on a bed, sofa, hammock, or any comfortable setting. This is a day to become one with the siesta, so however you position yourself is up to you. You can have your feet propped up on the sofa's arm rest instead of squishing yourself on the cushions, have a foot planted on the ground if you are in a hammock so you can rock back and forth while going to sleep, or drop your drawers and hang your butt out the window if it's temperate outside...if not just press your buttocks to the pane.

STEP 5 - After lazing about, ask yourself if you feel more refreshed than before sleeping.
Sleep is healthy and refreshes the body for the next day. Also, today is Fruitcake Toss day.
After napping be sure to hurl a fruitcake at the 1st person you see.

Town Adapts Preemptive Strategy In Christmas Warfare

2015-11-20T00:24:00.000-08:00


New preemptive strategy in the War On Chrismas.

Breaking News - Nov. 20, Gump, Pa.

Rube Gawby

By Rube Gawby - National Buffoon Field Reporter

Last year, the good people of Gump, Pennsylvania were justifiably outraged when the ACLU threatened them with legal action after they had denied the Church of Satan's request to place a display on their Municipal Building next to their Christmas nativity display. Reluctantly the Satanic display was permitted. (See photo below) Knowing full well the Satanists would expect to erect another display this year, a Christian Action group, The Gump Adventist Society (G.A.S.) decided they would not simply sit idle on the sidelines this year while their religious holiday was attacked. I spoke to the leader of G.A.S., Mr. Wally Duffer who said of their new strategy "Well, we heard this Church of Satan group doesn't actually even think Satan is real, they were just doing this to mock our sacred traditions! That got me and my huntin' pal Yerks Yonner pretty damned upset. I mean it's bad enough to choose to worship Satan, but no one at all? That's just UN-American!"
He continued "So me and Yerks enlisted some guys and gals from the Pentecostal Bowling League to come up with a way to defeat these commie atheists".

"We figured the best way to fight fire was with fire. If they were going to mock our Nativity, we would erect a mockery of theirs. Yes, that's it! A mockery of a mockery! Brilliant. So we had a few beers at Joe's and went down to City Hall and built this 'ACLU Solstice Barn' to mock those mockers!" "That'll teach 'em" added Ferd Skiffle with a particularly satisfied expression on his face. He is the groups director of recreation.

With Christmas just around the corner, there was no time to lose in getting the "Solstice Barn" erected. Work was completed in a few short days .
The Temple of Satan had no comment.

The folks in Gump were less than pleased with the holiday greeting erected at their City Hall last year.
The display depicted an angel descending into flames.

CNBC Republican Debate Summary

2015-10-29T17:50:00.000-07:00

Colorado - Republicans held yet another debate to annoy and anger the citizens last night.
To sum it up, they all agreed being nasty and ego-maniacal was generally the approach to all questions. Of course essentially they all agree that big tax cuts for themselves and their wealthiest donors are the most important issues, merely bickering about how best to dupe the patsies, er...I mean voters into believing this despite 50 years of evidence that funneling capital to the wealthy has no positive effect whatsoever on the economy...in fact the evidence is contrary. But this is a Republican debate so evidence and logic are certainly not the coin of the realm.

The candidates argued over how best to destroy social security and medicare (the only government programs most people actually like). Who to blame it on. And which half-baked tax scheme would achieve giving themselves tax breaks best. Despite his bombastic remarks, Donald Trump frankly is the most honest among them, he doesn't try to hide his lunacy and he's straight forward about simply cutting out the middleman. I mean should a 1%er like himself have to even bother buying off politicians? Why not just take the top dog job and rob the treasury yourself without all these sycophants and clerks getting their cut?

It was nice to note someone pointed out that Carly Fiorina was fired because she sucked at running HP, and that was not "business experience" that looked good on any resume. Huckster acted angry about something or other as did the rest of the assclowns...except Ben Carson who merely dozed through the whole event, mumbling something about bringing back slavery and prohibition in his sleep. If you had the good sense to skip this complete waste of time and watch the world series instead you win! Kudos!

iPhone App Flap Over Minor Glitch Resolved

2015-10-11T01:56:00.000-07:00

CUPERTINO, Calif. - Apple Chief Executive Orifice Tim Cook refused to apologize today for being a pompous cunt. During a brief press conference he was asked by National Buffoon reporter Peter Fitzinwell if he realized that a Mac was in fact a PC. Cook said "of course, but the pretentious Crapple fanboys are essentially retarded narcissists and buy any piece of shit we stage an overblown introduction for". "Hell, we haven't really improved our shitty operating system since 1986. We change the shape and size of the containers, we change the names. But improvements? Don't make me laugh, there's too many suckers out there. We make far too much money off our shoddily manufactured crap and pay so little for labor...while pretending to be socially responsible...I mean we did after all install suicide nets at no small expense on our iphone factory. We have no incentive to change our business model!"
He further elaborated "Crapple makes things that are sort of like computers, but designed for gullible hipster douchebags who want to be pompous shitheads just like us!"

"But this is not why I called this Press conference" he said, and came to the point.
"You remember our iMap software had er...glitches. Well one of the glitches was that instead of displaying accurate information, it completely misrouted directions and urged iPhone users to "Kill ... Kill ... Kill" in an eerie, high-pitched voice.
We were legally compelled to pretend to be sorry for the frustration that caused our customers.
We did everything we could to make iMaps better, and this is the solution we came up with...we changed the name!"

Cook said in a letter to customers posted today on the company's website that the new name for the defective app would be the iKillKillKill...and when people clicked on the link to read it, it sent out a signal that told people to kill.


Cook excitedly introduces Crapple's new iKillKillKill app.

Crapple has been critical of the Google Maps program which they claim had only resulted in the rare fatality, usually when an irate user bludgeoned a Google worker attempting to plant a camera for the Shower Stall View feature. They are also competing with Google to see just how much money they can hide away in foreign shelters in an effort to avoid paying U.S. Taxes.
Cook commented "G.E. is by far the leader, but they are an old money company and tax ripoffs are expected from them. We lead Google in the Tech sector...why Crapple siphons over a billion dollars a week into foreign accounts so the US doesn't get a dime in revenues from it! Ha Ha Ha!"

The exciting new iKillKillKill software developed by Crapple adds features such as turn-by-turn bludgeoning, axe navigation, and auto firearm detection; which always provides instruction for loading ammo. it still offers unreliable landmark searches as an additional feature of course. But along with routes that get users lost and directing them to the wrong country it emits an almost hypnotic subliminal message to murder!

"Dude, it was like hairy" said iPhone user Willy Pimples, 19, of Palmyra, N.J. "I was looking up directions to the Pennsauken Skateshop, and next thing I know, I'm trying to hatchet my mother." Fortunately, Willy's mom was able to snap her son out of this trance by smashing his face in with his can of Red Bull.

Others haven't been so lucky, according to FBI Special Agent Dick Bender, who says his agency has tracked more than 2000 murders - primarily strangling, stabbing, bludgeoning and people who had iPhones crammed into their anus.

"That's great" says Cook. "It may have been a problem for something called an iMap...but as an iKillKillKill app, users will be delighted. And obviously this will be a huge seller in the United States where mass murder is now the national pass-time. But I think it will help spread senseless violence to the rest of the world too. We at Crapple are always trying to appear to be innovating!

Surely enough... sales of the new iPhone which come with the iKillKillKill ap native, are selling like hotcakes. More than 3 million units were sold in just the last week. And only eight have been returned. "Six of those were returned because the buyer had gotten overly excited and bought two by mistake." said Cook.

National Buffoon interviewed Willy Pimples and asked if the fact that it could cause him to kill his mother or other close family members might make him want to exchange his iPhone for some other type of smart phone, Willy responded by saying, "Actually, I've been thinking about getting a Blackberry." Then he burst out laughing so hard that he had to lie down and roll on the floor.
"Dude! Are you crazy? Give up my iPhone?" I'm OK with the whole murdering thing."

Another Crapple enthusiast, Hugh G. Dildeaux, 20, of Kuntztown, Pa. added "at least it hasn't caught on fire yet," Hugh is recovering from temporary blindness caused when his iPad shot flames into his face. Dildeaux said that problem should be worked out shortly, or at least in time for the release of the next Crapple iPhone...and hell, in the meantime, anyone scorched by their iPhone will receive a $15 gift card to the iTunes store! "Sweet!" responded Pimples, who immediately started searching for directions to a Gun and Ammo shop.

Mexicans Build Wall To Keep Donald Trump Out

2015-08-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

NBC executives say
that if Donald Trump does run for president,
they will not renew 'The Apprentice.'
So some good may come out of this.

Republican Debates Are Over, Who Will Clean This Mess Up?

2015-08-07T03:14:00.000-07:00

The Debates are over. Who won? No one really.
Who lost? The American people.
In a straw poll taken after the debate, a new fear has stricken Americans.
Yes, they are deeply concerned that the rest of the world might have seen it.
And fear the United States’ prestige around the world has been flushed down the toilet.
Airlines expressed concern international broadcasts of the debate would greatly diminish their business. As people from the US will never desire to ever travel abroad or talk to foreigners again.
In another measure of Americans’ discomfort with Fox's televised event, those surveyed strongly agreed that the U.S. government should block the foreign transmission of any future debates, and that Fox News should air a disclaimer and explanation of the contest beforehand, but no one had any idea what that explanation could possibly be.
Domestically there was an upside...the pharmaceutical companies report a marked increase in sales of both anti-depressants and anti-nausea medications!
It is felicitous that Trump is in the race, after all it's become simply another "reality TV show".
With all the class and intelligence of the typical genre. With a wealth of candidates and 16 more of these shameful displays of ignorance and embarrassing amentia on tap the show's producers hope it will be as big a hit as their other lousy embarrassing reality shows, "The Jersey Shore" & "Ew, Who farted?"

In case you missed it here's a synopsis.

The candidates all agreed Jesus wrote the constitution, and all were in favor of more war and military spending. They all also agreed that all government spending that didn't directly benefit the billionaires and multinational corporate oligarchs was bad. Arguments broke out about who was loonier, who God said he was voting for, and which Clinton they despised more...but other than Trump's bombastic remarks, it was all predictable and silly. The same old crap about the billionaires being over taxed and military spending needing to be increased. The same old crap about programs that benefit people other than the billionaires are evil. Research, public education, evil! Walmart good. Coal and Koch industries good. "Look fire come from tiny box!" OOO OOO!
Rubio pointed out afterwards that his wife was a Miami Dolphins cheerleader, which is nice because she would know how to appear to be enthusiastic about someone who stands no chance of winning.

Scott Walker announced his plan to destroy Planned Parenthood by forcing horny teenagers to stare at photo of his face. Why is all his hair on only one side of his head? Why do all these guys have weird hair of one kind or another? Maybe they are all Martians in poorly outfitted rubber human suits? Hey it's more plausible than anything said during the televised harebrained foolishness passing for a debate.
Mike Huckabee said that every animal on earth lived within walking distance of Noah's house.
Donald Trump proposed a gold plated helicopter replace Air Force One.
Bush discussed strategies to limit minority voting. Inexplicably Ben Carson contributed some ideas.
Then Jeb added "As Governor of Florida, I got my brother elected & thus... killed a bunch of innocent Iraqis and created ISIS. You're welcome"
The candidates argued about which scientific facts pissed them off the most while Chris Wallace ignited one of Bret Baier's farts with a lighter. Scott Walker told Megyn Kelly he liked rape and incest. Rand Paul admitted he wanted to be the president so more people would kiss his ass every day. They all agreed they liked fetuses, and want them all armed with machine guns, but they don't like vaginas except for Trump. They agreed vaginas were tolerable as long as they had muzzles.
Megyn Kelly said "Hey now, let's cut out all the crazy talk we've all encouraged and glorified since going on the air back when Bill Clinton was the president!"
Kasich claimed he should be president because his father was a mailman.
Ted Cruz claimed he had the best plan to screw over the middle class, and lamented about not being the one who killed that lion. The debate was made more colorful by the addition of not just Ben Carson, but "audience" questions via facebook Fox News fans.
These were the hard hitting questions of the evening.
"What's your favorite Ricky Martin song?"
"Do you watch game of thrones?"
"What do you think of Hillary's Hair?"
"Hey was the moon landing real?"
"Who should I hate once Obama is gone?"
"Do you think you should pay taxes?"
"What do you think of this crazy spherical earth talk?"
"How exactly do you get your head that far up your ass? Yoga?"

After the show, no one at Fox was available for comment, they were all too busy celebrating Jon Stewart leaving the Daily Show by popping champagne bottles on Bill O Riley's Penis.

Christie Pissed Off Because Of Exclusion From Debates

2015-08-04T03:31:00.000-07:00

Chris Christie gathered supporters at his old high school in Livingston, New Jersey after being snubbed by Rupert Murdoch. Angry not to have been included in the Fox Republican Debates, Christie announces his plans to give America a giant wedgie. Yes that's right, "and that pussy Ted Cruz will eat my shorts too" he said in a press release.
Known for his blunt abrasive style, the loose cannon Republican anti-union candidate unveiled his new campaign slogan by etching “Suck it America” into a locker with a half digested pen, then shoving Bobby Jindal’s head into its door and demanding that he read it back. When the stunned victim struggled to recite the words, Christie jammed a tampon down his throat and sucker punched him in the gut before sticking his head in a urinal and flushing.

Christie is the first GOP candidate among the 200 or so who claim to be running to set forth a national noogie policy. He made it clear that his direct “Vote for me or I'll kick your sorry ass” slogan will be central to his campaign. After cracking his knuckles and spitting into the faces of the audience, he declared, “All you dipshits suck.”
Although he didn’t provide specifics on his foreign policy strategy, Christie stated it would be heavily centered around “whooping the teachers asses.” When asked about his stance on immigration, he said "That's right, it's a stance...I'll stand on their backs until they break". When reporters inquired about what he'd do about the growing poverty rate in the country, he chuckled and said " I'll close that bridge when I come to it" while kicking the school's janitor in the balls.
The New Jersey governor added a personal touch to his speech by reminiscing about his high school memories. “Why did I choose here for my press conference? Because I friggin’ owned this place.” He pointed to the cafeteria. “You see that table? That’s where I smashed that nerd Bret Baier's ugly face into a bowl of fish sticks. Told that chucklehead it was the closest he'd ever come to eating pussy.” "I hated those teachers though, they sent me to detention for beating up the nerds...that's why I have striven to take away their benefits, insulted the shit out of them, and attacked education at every opportunity! I promise to destroy public education for the whole country if elected. It's revenge you see. Ya' friggin' pussies."

"America likes getting swirlies" Jeb knows what I’m talking about... He laughed then added, “And that cunt Rick Santurum is gonna find out real soon!”
Christie concluded his speech by having a state policeman taze an audience member, and then he drew a penis on his cheek with a Sharpie, after which he challenged Rick Perry to a “smackdown in the senior lot after fifth period.” While state workers struggled to lift his liter and carry him across the football field to a helicopter, a reporter asked why he was running since Trump really provided the same comic relief. "Your a faggot" he exclaimed while literally strapping on a feed bag full of Wawa hoagies. And as the helicopter lifted off he gave everyone the finger.

Although Christie has no chance whatsoever of winning the GOP nomination
he will be at the convention and the GOP will use him for a blimp.

Breaking News- Trump Calls Press Conference, Announces Something Unintelligible!

2015-06-16T23:51:00.000-07:00

Trump mumbled something or other while gargling with his enema backwash Tuesday.

NEW YORK — Inside the Trump Tower — past the Trump Bar, the Trump Grill, the Trump Cafe and Trump’s Ice Cream Parlor, beside the storefronts selling Donald Trump neckwear and the basket of Donald Trump books — Donald Trump descended a golden escalator and stood at a lectern in front of no less than eight American flags (made in China) Tuesday and gargled with his enema backwash. In between gulps a few words were discernible, “ [glub]I’m really[glub] rich,” he said.

Apparently Trump is pretending to run for president AGAIN! Well, at least until his Celebrity Apprentice show returns in the fall. Until then, we can expect to hear the sound of enema gargling along with the clown horn beeping, and general douchebaggery from the other perennial professional candidates. Well it's great for comedy....not great for American democracy, but that may be a moot point larger than the one on Mike Huckabee's swollen head.