The final table of the World Series of Poker wraps tonight. What’s staggering is that ESPN tries to play up a different ‘Cinderella Story’ every year. If Chaminade could catch a clutch three randomly on the river, it would happen more in actual sports.

When a team in the NFL holds their opponent to thirty-four rushing yards and has the ball for thirty-seven minutes during which the defense makes two interceptions, you may think the team you’re reading about won the game. But statistics may be more deceiving than they appear.

Over one-hundred penalty yards is a pretty terrible statistic, but there are no statistics for the following offenses: a fake field goal that does not attempt a pass or a run (which is really just a fake field goal formation), inability to score a touchdown at 1st and goal on the four yard line, and running the ball on third and long when you have a Superbowl MVP quarterback under center.

Being at stadium and witnessing a travesty like the Giants today live and in person makes the already bad loss even worse. For those who believe that a large HD TV in the comfort of their own home is just as nice as being there, I will now provide some insight into the in-stadium feelings that you don’t get on the couch.

• Every time there was less than five seconds left on the play clock, the crowd supplied the delay-of-game prone Eli Manning with warning moans and groans that converted to a universal sigh of relief when the snap made it in time.
• When a play is challenged, the reply is not shown on the jumbo-trons. This always yields to someone asking why we can’t see the play again. I generously take this time to educate the someone and anyone else in earshot that this is a riot prevention tactic. Then I wait for a friend or family member of mine from home to text me what the call should be.
• During TV timeouts, which take more time than the team has ever spent practicing the fake field goal, Giants fans enjoy casually discussing why every other team in the league is capable of confusing defenses by putting two running backs in on the same play. These empathetic chats may or may not develop into talks about how the quarterback sneak was not written into Eli Manning’s contract and putting in the second string QB for the aforementioned play would take the same creativity required to call a pass play in a short yardage situation. We would all make terrific coaches.
• During the two-minute warning, Wachovia presented the jinx of the unfinished game by deeming Boss’ TD catch the best play of the afternoon. I do not at all recommend banking with this company.
• As the Giants set up in the prevent defense, an entire stadium of people simultaneously held our breaths in hopes that this time the strategy will live up to its name. But just like how “don’t panic,” “it’s not a big deal,” and “this won’t hurt a bit,” mean the opposite of what they appear to mean, prevent defense only prevents the defense from defending.
• Finally, upon leaving the stadium, I saw what looked like a twenty dollar bill folded in half under a seat. Upon picking up what I thought might be a small token of consolation from the event, I unfolded the piece of paper to confirm its falseness by seeing its incorrectly narrow size and printer paper texture. Right when I felt like a lame Jewish stereotype, I noticed several people walking in front of me do the same thing to several more of these wannabe bills that were randomly scattered about the stadium. I can not tell if this was a cruel prank or a very funny joke. Either way, I’d say it worked.

Losing four games in a row is really bad. That’s one-fourth of the season in the plumbing. Fans search for a glimpse of something positive. I thought of the World Series Champion Yankees. My father pleasantly reminded me of the Giants’ upcoming bye week by saying, “well, they can’t lose next week.”

I’m in a worse free fall right now than Rob’s blood sugar pre-TheraFlu. By the way, Rob: the way you felt during your flu? That’s how it feels to watch Hines Ward win a Super Bowl. I hope you’ve seen the light.

So I kinda almost want to amend the Club rules. Like… no one in their right mind should have given 17 points in an NFL game. That was just nuts. But I’ve reevaluated the tiers in the league and think my newfound clarity will get me back on track. Or it could be that good teams are playing other good teams now. Or that there are almost no good teams in the league. By my last count, there are only eight. Awesome.

ATLANTA -10 over Washington

Atlanta desperately needs to bounce back from the near-win in New Orleans to stay in the NFC playoff picture. Usually bye weeks help a team. The latest out of DC is that the owner has banned signs, further alienating a fanbase that is deep, but often distracted. The Redskins have treated their fans so badly that DC is a hockey town now. Here’s a great article about the disarray in DC. My favorite part is when the scout describes Fred Davis as “too dumb for the NFL” and Jason Campbell as “dumber than Fred Davis.” Samsonite!

Green Bay -10 over TAMPA BAY

Here’s how bad the Bucs are. I don’t think Green Bay is any good. In fact, I think Aaron Rodgers may be a middle-of-the-pack at best quarterback. He holds on to the ball way too long. That being said, the Buccaneers are the only winless team remaining and are throwing their rookie quarterback to the wolves. The Packer defense should cover this themselves.

Baltimore -3 over CINCINNATI

I don’t want to talk about it.

Houston +9 over INDIANAPOLIS

It’s picks like this that have demolished my big lead. But this is Houston’s Super Bowl. And the Colts have the Pats after their bye. Why shouldn’t they overlook this one? And did anyone notice that Indy can’t run the ball? They won’t need to against most teams, but… rationalizing, rationalizing, rationalizing, vomit.

Miami +10.5 over NEW ENGLAND

Awesome, let’s do this twice. The Patriots blew out two terrible teams. The rest of their games were all competitive. And the Dolphins are masters at keeping any game close. I also love the idea of the Dolphins winning every division game and losing the rest. By the way, how crappy is this division all of a sudden?

JACKSONVILLE -6.5 over Kansas City

I actually hate this pick will all of my heart. I think the Jags are a borderline Club team, but MJD is the only weapon in the game on either team. And KC is still in the Club. Let’s not get ridiculous here.

Arizona +3 over CHICAGO

I am loving me some road teams this year. The Bears offensive line got abused by the Browns. That’s bad. The Cardinals have been money on the road and are all bruised from losing to the Delhomme Show. Why not take the points?

NEW ORLEANS -13.5 over Carolina

This would be an overlooked game if Carolina wasn’t feeling so good already. Plus, Delhomme wasn’t abysmal last week. You know what that means. The Saints are just so good. Even if they overlook the Panthers, they’ll overlook themselves putting 31 up before the half. They’ll come to and go, “Hmm. Winning a football game. Weird.”

SEATTLE -10 over Detroit

Maybe the ultimate stay-away game of the week. The Seahawks look terrible, but they have a true home field advantage and the Lions are back in the Club. Without our policies, we’re just cruel beasts.

San Diego +4.5 over NY Giants

Now this one’s really interesting. Two teams that we just learned aren’t particularly good. The reasons to take the Chargers are 1) the free points and 2) the fact that the only thing the Chargers do well (pass) lines up with the thing the Giants do the most poorly (stop passes). Do they start booing Eli? Better yet… are they licking their wounds from the biggest choke-job in World Series history? Wouldn’t that be nice….

SAN FRANCISCO -4 over Tennessee

Everyone’s talking about the return of Vince Young. But how shockingly not-good was he in a supposed phoenix ashes game? The Niners have dropped, what… four of their last five? I think that ends as VY flies cross country and isn’t permitted to be anywhere near the exit row.

PHILADELPHIA -3 over Dallas

No division can generate more undue hype than the NFC East. The Eagles have weapons, Dallas had a cookie-crumb schedule. The Eagles jump to a big lead and Tony Romo starts December a little early.

DENVER +3 over Pittsburgh

Ooh. OOOOOHHHH!! Okay, well I hate Pittsburgh and will take any opportunity to blindly pick against them. And Denver looked more exposed than…any analogy I could ever come up with. But they do have the mile high air and Pittsburgh has two impact players with sickle cell, meaning they could die in Denver. It’s a 6-1 team getting points at home where the opponent has players that could die in the environment. I don’t think anyone will fault me for this pick.

The 2009 New York Yankees are World Champions!  Alex Rodriguez (seen above making out with himself) wins his first Championship Ring despite being an admitted steroid user.  Much like any big, evil corporation in so many movies, the Yankees use the greenback to get to the top.  The Phillies were a noble, scrappy underdog filled with likable guys like Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Jimmy Rollins and Raul Ibanez.  The heart and face of the Yankees* dated Madonna and is a cheater.  Most of the time, the good guys triumph (2003 Marlins over Yankees, 2001 Diamondbacks over Yankees, 81 Dodges over Yankees).  But this is one of those rare times when history or pop culture allows the bad guy come out on top, but here are some of the greatest examples:

10. The Guys Who Brought You Scary Movie, Date Movie and Disaster Movie over Good Enertainment

Spy Hard. Date Movie.  Epic Movie. Disaster Movie.  Meet the Spartans.

Avarage imdb.com rating of those films: 2.7

From imdb: They’ve also written and sold several other spoof comedy scripts, such as; “Raunchy Movie” and “Remembering the Titans On Any Given Sunday Gives Me The Varsity Blues”.

Those guys are millionaires and “Firefly” only got 1 season.  There is no God.

9. The Little League Yankees over the Bad News Bears

They were the ultimate underdogs.  A team made up of kids who weren’t good enough to make other rosters.  They were coached by a drunk, ex-major league pitcher.  They had no talent and were poorly coached.  After several embarrassing losses and adding a few ringers, they climbed out of the gutter and up to the championship against the Evil, Evil, Evil Yankees.

In the championship game, the Yankees tried to bean the Bears, they get in fights and generally play dirty.  The evil porn ’stache sportin’ manager of the Yankees even goes as far as smacking the shit out of his kid on the pitching mound in the middle of the game.  Meanwhile, Walter Matthau learns the true spirit of Christmasbaseball and puts in his scrubs so they have a chance to play because its not about winning.

They keep it close.  Kelly leak then hits a deep shot to right field.  the bases clear.  Kelly Leak slides in to home to tie the game at 7.

But he’s out.

The child abuser and evil Yankees take the big trophy.  They’re still dickwads, though.

(Rest after the break)…

8. Karl Malone wins NBA MVP (1997 & 1999) over Good People

One of the dirtiest players of all time.  A racist.  Adulterer.  Fathered more illegitimate children than Thomas Jefferson (whom he refuses to aid in any way.  What a dick.).  A dirty player.  Friend of John Stockton.  Former Laker and Jazz player.  Yet, they gave him 2 MVP Trophies.  Not going to list all of the non-Evil people who could have won the MVPs instead of him in those years.  At least he never won a championship.

7. Ivan Drago over Apollo Creed (Rocky IV)

It was only supposed to be an exhibition.  A fun US vs. USSR match.  This was never supposed to happen. Poor, innocent, loved former Champion Apollo Creed was struck down just after his prime.  “If he dies, he dies.”  It would be like Muhammad Ali being killed a few years after the Thrilla in Manilla.  A beloved icon of our country destroyed by a cold being from our mortal enemy.

Another horrible side effect of this was them making Rocky V.

6. Megatron over Optimus Prime (1986 Transformers: The Movie)

How shocking was it to every six year old in 1986 to have the leader of the good guys killed in the first fifteen minutes of a kids movie?  All of the kids begged for Optimus Prime that year.  They were sold out in stores across the nation.  Nobody cared about Jazz or Bumblebee or Starscream.  It was all about Optimus Prime.  My Mom frequently tells me stories of calling every store in town before Christmas looking for one for me and my brother.  He was this indestructible leader who was noble and wise.  And Megatron killed him just when we needed him most.  Sure Judd Nelson came through and stopped Unicron in the end, but having the most good struck down by the most evil was hard.  It wasn’t until years later that it was only to sell a new line of toys.  Damn you, Hasbro.  Damn you.

5. Paris Hilton born into a life of luxury over Mother Teresa in a life free of Material Goods

Mother Teresa spent 45 years ministering and feeding the poor, sick, orphaned and dying throughout India and the world.

Paris Hilton has 45 cars.

Mother Teresa rescued 37 children trapped in a front line hospital by brokering a temporary cease-fire between the Israeli army and Palestinian guerrillas.

Paris Hilton has been arrested or fined 37 times for Drunk driving, endangering the public and other offenses.

I know Mother Teresa had the love of the world and Paris only has material possessions and that material possessions didn’t really matter to Mother Teresa, but still… it sucks that Paris won in that column.

4. The Empire/Darth Vader at the end of The Empire Strikes Back over the Rebellion SPOILER!

After a stunning upset in which the Rebels blew up the Death Star, things went bad.  The Empire regrouped.  The got big four legged walker things.  They froze Han in Carbonite.  They made Lando turn on his friends.  Luke Skywalker had his hand cut off by Darth Vader, who turned out to be SPOILER his father. Luke barely survives.  The rebellion is in ruins.  The second chapter in this trilogy… Evil definitely won.

You may be expecting some pithy comment about Return of the Jedi and the Ewoks and how silly it was.  But can you really fault a movie that made every hot geek girl dress up like this every Halloween:

3. 2009 New York Yankees Win World Series

We all know.  They’re the Yankees.  They’re evil.  They just won.  Bring on 2010.

2. Michael Myers over His Sister/Laurie Strode/Jamie Lee Curtis

Back in 1978.  He came home.  Michael Myers tried to kill Jamie Lee Curtis.  She survived.

In 1981 (but the night after the night in 1978), he tracked her to a hospital to finish her off.  She survived.  He was supposedly blown up with Donald Pleasece.

In 1982, they made a movie without him or Donald Pleasence.  It bombed.

From 1982-1998, they regretted killing him off.

In 1988, he came home again.  So did Donald Pleasence.  Jamie Lee Curtis was supposedly dead.

In 1989, same thing.

In 1995, they made another movie, but nobody saw it.

In 1998, he came home for his sister.  Again, again.  But not really home.  He like found her in some weird school in the woods.  Just on a hunch he decided to kill the nurse who had super-secret information about Jamie Lee Curtis being alive and well.  Why he waited until 1998 to get that information, I dunno.  Was he just hanging out at like a deli and heard a rumor that his sister was alive?  Who would pass him a rumor?  At least he killed Joseph Gordon-Levitt in the process.

In 2002… he finally triumphed and killed Jamie Lee Curtis.  A victory 24 years in the making.  Evil incarnate killed his pure virtuous sister.  Then do yourself a favor and don’t watch the rest of the movie.  Its got Busta Rhymes in it.  And he does karate on Michael Myers.  Seriously.  Just stay away.  Even the boobs in it don’t make it worth it.

Also goes this high on the list for the other Michael Myers being so evil he gave us The Love Guru, The Cat in the Hat, and Shrek the Third.

1. Germany over Poland (1939).

Landslide victory for Evil.  Very Yankee-esque.  Don’t be surprised if in the next few days, the Yankees divide up the Phils and gives them to the others in the Axis of Evil (Dodgers, Mets, Jazz, Lakers, Russians) like the Nazis did with Poland.  I’m also going to take this opportunity to show another hot chick dressed up like Princess Leia.

*- I know good and well A-Roid isn’t the heart or face of the Yankees, but it does seem to irritate them when you say so.

The Philadelphia Phillies tried to attain the very difficult feat of becoming back-to-back World Series Champions. But this year’s Phillies team was not as good of a team as they were last year… partially because Brad Lidge went from best to worst and Cole Hamels was not the dominating force he was last year. Pedro Martinez, who had a surprisingly effective short season, was once again made a loser by the New York Yankees. The World Champion New York Yankees!

One man specifically dominated by driving in six runs and closing the door last night. Every Japanese place in the tri-state area should be offering Matsushi today. Hideki Matsui had a .615 average in the series as he made a pretty good case for the DH.

Meanwhile, the media (and by “the media”, I mean, ESPN’s Sportscenter and some other disgruntled sports writers/Yankee Haters) is completely overblowing the A-Rod story within the championship story. It all goes back to steroids, past postseason disappointments and high expectations. The media plays with if his career is validated now, or something.

Although the attainment of a championship is much more realistic as a New York Yankee than for any other team, there are a slew of highly respected athletes who do not wear rings. A ring is not the only factor of greatness in a career. Even in the Evil Empire, Don Mattingly is without a championship, yet is well-respected. It’s not like A-Rod had to win a series to validate his career. He is a phenomenal talent and has certainly made every team he is on better.

Speaking of people who make their team better, after forty-one pitches, Mariano Rivera capped off another amazing season with another reliable lights-out performance. Many thought that “Enter Sandman” was not played last night. It was. It was just so loud in the New Yankee Stadium that it was difficult to hear Metallica’s tunes bringing in the man, the legacy… Mo.

All was good for other legacies of this Yankee generation. The quadfecta, also known as the core four: Posada, Jeter, Pettitte and Rivera made a statement: Old? Shmold! The geezers were pleasers. Late thirties is the new late twenties, as blue pinstripes are the new champions.

Years of chemistry came together for what was a magical season of come-from-behind wins, shuffled pitching situations and drama. All in a new stadium.

The New York Yankees were the best team in baseball this season and it’s kinda nice when the best team wins. It is, of course, also nice when the best team gets spoiled in the Superbowl by the underdog New York Giants… so I’m sort-of a hypocrite, lying piece of s***. But it’s cool. Hooray for sports!

Tiers Part II

We first asked the question around Week 4. Four weeks later, a whole lot has changed already. We saw the birth of The Club, the death of the New York Super Bowl, and the Ravens lose three and then get one back. We’ll go over this in podcast, and by that I mean I’ll argue with Rob Slattery about it. But here’s my best bet of breaking down the Tiers in the NFL.  To show you how much has changed, the previous tier is in parentheses.

Five Stars - The Favorites

-New Orleans Saints (8-0): They’re just ridiculous. As good as the Greatest Show Rams with a whole lot more defense. That supercedes alphatetical order. Not even another Katrina could stop these guys (5).

-Indianapolis Colts (7-0): They’re undefeated. Having been tested twice by middle of the pack teams (Jags and Niners), you can’t argue with the record. (5)

-Minnesota Vikings (7-1): They probably don’t belong here because Favre’s health is a ticking time bomb and they have a loss on the docket. But they were very nearly undefeated. (4)

Four Stars – The Contenders

-Atlanta Falcons (4-3): Back to alphabetical order. Ryan’s not Flacco (that’s becoming clear to everyone), but he’s got waaaay more weapons and a schedule that should keep them in the playoffs. (3)

-Baltimore Ravens (4-3): If the secondary is indeed close to fixed, they’re the best team in the league. But we’re still in IF mode, aren’t we? (5)

-Cincinnati Bengals (5-2): They could absolutely come crashing to earth. But they can run, play tough defense, and their quarterback is healthy again. That sounds like a threat to me. (3)

-New England Patriots (5-2): The defense is suspect, but never, EVER count out Brady and Belichick. Especially with the rules in place to help them win. (4)

-Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2): They’re the only team to beat the Vikings and their quarterback is having the best season of his career so far. Weird close games against awful teams (Detroit, Cleveland, Tennessee) make them anything but a sure thing. (4)

Three Stars – Everclear

-Arizona Cardinals (4-3): So reliably unreliable. They can beat anyone and lose to anyone. Sounds like the world’s most mediocre band to me. (3)

-Chicago Bears (4-3): Mediocrity is a constant here. How does Jay Cutler get hit that much against Cleveland? (3).

-Dallas Cowboys (5-2): The song in Texas is that that Boys Are Back. I don’t believe it at all. The most overrated team in the league’s most overrated division. (3).

-Denver Broncos (6-1): This isn’t a surprise, this is where they belong. One loss so big it should count as two. They play great defense, but are incredibly limited on offense. Should still waltz away with a baby-soft division (3).

-Green Bay Packers (4-3): This one doesn’t necessarily feel right either. But it shouldn’t feel right that they’re 2-2 at Sacred Lambeau (3).

-Houston Texans (5-3): They’re a wild card right now. Really (3).

-Miami Dolphins (3-4): All of their wins are division wins. Every team in the league is scared to play these guys because they’ll always be favored and may never win (2).

-Philadelphia Eagles (5-2): Losing to the Raiders goes a long way in the rankings. That should never happen to a good team (3).

-New York Giants (5-3): Suddenly, the cupcakes are over, Eli can’t complete passes to his team and the defense can’t stop anyone. The freefall is on (1).

-New York Jets (4-4): Bart Scott told the press the Jets were a better team than the Fins. You can say that if you lose once. Twice is a trickier sell (2).

-San Diego Chargers (4-3): These guys suffered from the expectations of that roster and a cakewalk division. Unfortunately, the Broncos went and stole their cake (2).

-San Francisco 49ers (3-4): See Miami. The quarterback position is just going to be a problem against good teams. The question is whether they make a run for a thrower in the draft (3).

Two Stars – The Bad, But Still Professional, Football Teams

-Buffalo Bills (3-5): I know! They’re won three games! Everyone should be surprised (2).

-Carolina Panthers (3-4): It’s as reliable as Midas: every third game will be a Jake Delhomme apocalypse (2).

-Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4): A team that plays very hard, but just doesn’t have the talent or coaching or fans. Are they really a team? (3)

-Seattle Seahawks (2-5): Add injuries to a tough schedule to a new coach and you get Seattle. They’re still dangerous at home, but a bye week everywhere else (2)

-Tennessee Titans (1-6): Hooray! One win! The roster is too talented to be in the bottom grouping. That grouping is reserved for teams that should never be picked in a gambling situation unless they’re playing each other. Speaking of which… (2)

One Star – The Club

-Cleveland Browns (1-7): Fired the GM and the coach’s assistant during their bye week. The fans are planning on boycotting the kickoff on Monday Night Football. Skins fans, take note (1).

-Detroit Lions (1-6): Almost clawed their way out. But losing at home to St. Louis is inexcusable. Not something an NFL team does (2).

-Kansas City Chiefs (1-6): Probably the feistiest team on this list. But they hate their coach, paid too much for their mediocre quarterback, and can’t stop anyone defensively (1).

-Oakland Raiders (2-6): Their coach loves punching people. Commitment to Excellence! (1)

-St. Louis Rams (1-7): Stephen Jackson gets the Cecil Fielder Hostage Award. If he was on any other team, he’d be an MVP runner (1).

-Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-7): No wins. None coming. Tell me who they beat: Packers, Dolphins, Saints, Falcons, Panthers, Jets, Seahawks, Saints, Falcons (1).

-Washington Redskins (2-5): The owner has alienated one of the most loyal fanbases in the league. If the Redskins move to L.A., I may never stop celebrating (1).

This is fun. Vikes running back Naufahu Tahi was knocked out of the game after wrestling with Adrian Peterson, the guy for whom he lead blocks. Turns out Tahi forgot AP was part lizard.