So, is Manny excited to be back?

“Back for what, man?”  Ramirez quipped, as he took a long puff.  “Dude, ya know Martians don’t need to refrigerate food?  Ya man, it’s always room temperature.  No matter what room you be in.  Always room temperature.  Isn’t that fascinating?”

A confused Tony Romo stood awkwardly still this morning as he played with a gigantic Siberian tiger in Bethesda, Maryland. The Dallas Cowboys’ slinger had reportedly been told by girlfriend Jessica Simpson that she had scored him a “tea time” with Tiger, which happens to be the name of the pictured tiger. Romo, an avid amateur golfer, thought that his girlfriend had meant a “tee time” with famed golfer Tiger Woods.

Friends of Romo that witnessed the “play time” said that he tried to play it cool while the 1100-pound predator drank a milk tea concoction from a baby’s bottle, but was actually “completely beside himself with terror”.

Romo refused to comment after the event, but he was seen intensely scowling at Simpson as they hurried to his vehicle.

In an experiment for Sports Science, three-time major winning golfer Padraig Harrington recently attempted the Happy Gilmore swing – wherein one runs and slap shots the golf ball. Harrington was amazed when the swing added an extra 30 yards to his drive.

Sure, the swing is a breach of classic golf etiquette, inaccurate, and potentially dangerous to the spine. But this momentous outcome has the sports world excited. What other movies hold golden opportunities for the real world of sports?

The Flying V – The Mighty Ducks

I suggest the Anaheim Ducks drop behind the net, move into formation, and start the play that conquered not only the Hawks, but also Team Iceland. Too bad the move is totally illegal. The players in front of the V are using interference, and the move is absolutely off sides.

The Triple Lindy – Back To School

In this movie, Rodney Dangerfield performs the legendary Triple Lindy, the toughest move in all of diving. He climbs to the highest diving platform. He jumps to a middle springboard, then back flips to a lower springboard, then side flips to another springboard, then backflips onto the same platform, then performs a triple flip dive into the water. I want to see Alexandre Despatie, silver medalist from Canada, pull this off, and see if he still don’t get no respect.

The Floater – Rookie Of The Year

To begin, a child is playing professional baseball. Secondly, we are led to believe that his broken arm reforms into a pitching machine. But thirdly, we learn that if you want to defeat the greatest batter in all of baseball, just toss him a slow, floating, softball type throw. He’ll lick his lips, and totally miss it. Take notes, Randy Johnson, this works every time.

Iron Lotus – Blades Of Glory

A move so dangerous it can cut off a person’s head. This kind of danger may be just the thing to get me to watch the Winter Olympics.

Annexation of Puerto Rico – Little Giants

Rick Moranis’s rag tag team against Ed O’Neill’s Cowboys – and the game is tied with moments left. The nerdy kid “invents” the ultimate play, in which they run 99 yards with three different ball carriers for a touchdown. Ed O’Neill correctly identifies this trick play as “Fumblerooski,” invented by John Heisman, in which the quarterback intentionally fumbles the ball. I’d suggest more teams use this, except its no longer allowed in high school, college, or the NFL.

Have A Dog Play – Air Bud

Perhaps what the Clippers need is a dog who is trained to make baskets. Remember, the rulebooks never implicitly state that dogs are not allowed to play. This plan worked for the basketball team in Air Bud. And football in Air Bud: Golden Receiver. And for soccer in Air Bud: World Pup. And for baseball in Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch. And for volleyball in Air Bud: Spikes Back. And for space in Space Buddies.

Turn Into A Wolf – Teen Wolf

If your high school basketball team has a losing record, just turn one of your players into a wolf man, and he can front flip dunk. Too long has America forgotten this amazing way to win games. Good thing MTV is adapting the classic movie into a TV show. I wish I was kidding.

Stretch Your Arm Out Really Far – Space Jam

Michael Jordan discovers he can stretch himself out ridiculously far in the toon world, so he actually dunks from the half court line, stomping on Monstars in the process. Michael Jordan also discovered he couldn’t act or play basketball around the same time.

Pray – Angels In The Outfield

If, say, the Cleveland Indians ever want to win a world series, they should get a kid in a foster home to pray to God. Then Christopher Lloyd and his merry band of angels will effectively cheat on behalf of God.

Nearly everyone is happy to hear that the elderly man was able to stand up to the young thug, except for the people at 20th Century Fox, who now have to think of a new plot for Rocky VII.

Miami Dolphins held their first ever “Take your daughter to work day” today, where employees of the organization were encouraged to bring their daughters and nieces under the age 12 to come be a part of the team for a very special father-daughter bonding experience.

The Dolphins haven’t had something go this terribly wrong since Ricky Williams claimed it was “Bong O’Clock” and essentially left the 2007 (1-15) season a joke that could only be told made funny by the likes of Cheech and Chong.

The day started out as a to show of love and support, with dolphins personnel showing their daughters the day-to-day operations of a professional football franchise. It was a day they hoped would introduce young women to a profession that has long been dominated by middle aged males in team visors and old curmudgeons chomping on cigars talking about the good ol’ days, when you were allowed to lay haymakers on refs, drink in the huddle and play both sides of the ball.

However, the day took a very ugly turn when a friendly scrimmage turned into an all-out war on the field, as Dolphin veterans turned cold when the niece of one of the trainers put a late hit on receiver Ted Ginn, Jr. From there, things just seemed to get out of hand.

“You think you can just come up in my house and motherfuckin’ finger paint. Hells no. She’s lucky she even got fingers left after that scrimmage. I’m not playing a game here. This here is my business. I don’t come into kindergarten classes and be all drawing dinosaurs with crayons and reading the Berstein Bears. This isn’t nap time! So don’t come into my place of work and pretend you can play quarterback when you know my job is to make you pay for hanging on to the ball too long. I don’t care if you weight 50 lbs or 300 lbs; my job is to hit you hard. End of story.”

And possibly the end of childhood. A very sudden, jarring, spine tingling end to childhood.

And the little girl was lucky to get out of the huddle and on to a gurney with 8 of her ten digits still intact. Although, her one completion did raise the eyebrows around the Dolphins training facility. Most notably those of head coach Tony Sparano.

“Yeah, that 11 year old playing free-safety was a waste of a practice jersey. She tackled like a girl (she was). But, I was impressed with the 8 year old’s arm at QB. I think we might keep her around. What was her line? (1-6 for an 11 yard gain) Well she already throws farther than Pennington.”

She was offered a 10 day contract, but was unable to sign…you know, because of the whole fingers thing.

The rest of the day was spent mostly with trainers and doctors of the organization. Wasn’t the original plan of an ice cream social, but a myriad of injuries ranging from a broken collar bone to a detached retina were really putting a damper on the day. But time will heal their broken bones. As far as their spirits and their self-esteem, now that’s probably going to take quite a bit of time and therapy.

“As far as I’m concerned, today was a good start to our season,” said Vice President of Football Operations, Bill Parcells. A win’s a win. I saw a lot of sad little girls out there playing hard today. And some of them even brought their daughters.”

Of course an anonymous staffer put it best, “I’d say this was not only a terrible idea, but has probably set human relations back 200 years.”

Another win in Miami.

It looks like NASCAR has more to worry about than driver Jeremy Mayfield testing positive for methamphetamines. An undated photo was leaked today showing what looks to be a full-fledged meth lab on the back of a NASCAR competitor. Acrid, yellow smoke and a tunnel made from tubing can clearly be seen on the back of the pictured car.

The car in question is manned by Matt Kenseth and owned by Roush Racing. Neither could be reached for comment, and the #17 car mysteriously disappeared from the circuit last month. NASCAR officials also refused to comment on the photo, but a confidential source told us that while the meth lab on the Roush car is an egregious example, many cars have more inconspicuous labs concealed inside the vehicle.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth said the man he struck and killed during a drunk driving incident back in March came out of nowhere.

Currently, Stallworth is rotting in jail serving a 30-day sentence after pleading guilty to the DUI manslaughter of 59-year-old Mario Reyes.  Stallworth is also serving two years’ house arrest and is suspended from the NFL indefinitely.

Police have said Reyes was not in a crosswalk and was running to catch a bus (or perhaps a raft) when he was hit by Stallworth.  On the 911 call released Monday, Stallworth describes how the victim “just ran in front of my car.”

So, is Stallworth suggesting that anytime a human being runs out in front of a car the person driving the car should try and kill them?

We can neither confirm nor deny.

The suspended NFL star will be leaving his job with a Virginia construction company to work with youngsters at a Boys & Girls Club.  Vick needs a job to meet the conditions of his probation.  He had previously been earning $10 an hour.

Steven Kast, CEO of the Boys & Girls Clubs of the Virginia Peninsula, says Vick will be working with children on health and fitness activities at several clubs in the Hampton Roads area.

There is no word yet whether Vick will be having the kids settle their differences by fighting to the death in the middle of a ring as Vick’s “pals” watch on excitedly placing their bets and penetrating one another from behind.

The Pittsburgh Pirates celebrated the life of hometown celebrity Billy Mays by carving his face into the center field at PNC park on Monday. Mays grew up in the Pittsburgh suburb of McKnees Rocks and wasn’t know to be an avid baseball fan. According to Pirates spokesman, Jim Trdinich, the Pirates don’t mind the TV pitchman’s disinterest in baseball and are hoping that Mays’ bearded visage will give the team some much-needed good luck.

“We’re out of ideas and floundering at 35-41,” said Trdinich. “If Mays’ face can get us a few wins, so be it. And this is the only way we could get the press to report on us.”

Whether Mays’ face at center field will be lucky remains to be seen, but the fans are quite positive.

“I cook a soup with that Orange Glo stuff!” quipped Ricky Wolinsky. “I loved that guy, so I’m happy his face distracts me from the awful play of the Pirates.”