Nativity Camel

Inside the Actor's Studio: 2013 Madness Awards!

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 04:19:00 +0000

Now that baseball season has started and the trophy has been handed to Colin, let's take a look at individual performances. Not all of us were worthy of taking home a statue. In fact, some of you looked like you were phoning it in for an infomercial gig or a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie. See below for your actor and actress ranks. Were you like Lea Thompson in "Back to the Future" or like Lea Thompson in "Caroline in the City?"

Starting with yours truly...

Commish
Finish : 3
Points : 107
Percentile : 89.66
Nickname : Tony Danza
2013 Actor Rank : Tom Hanks
Similar to Performance in : "Turner and Hooch"

Brock
Finish : 17
Points : 68
Percentile : 41.38
Nickname : Steve Buscemi
2013 Actor Rank : Leslie Nielsen
Similar to Performance in : "Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult"

Tom
Finish : 11
Points : 84
Percentile : 62.07
Nickname : Sam Shepard
2013 Actor Rank : Sam Elliott
Similar to Performance in : "The Big Lebowski"

Rick (brother)
Finish : 22
Points : 56
Percentile : 24.14
Nickname : Burt Reynolds
2013 Actor Rank : Macaulay Culkin
Similar to Performance in : "The Good Son"
:
Nancy (Mom)
Finish : 21
Points : 58
Percentile : 27.59
Nickname : Melissa McBride
2013 Actor Rank : Rebecca Romijn
Similar to Performance in : "X-Men: The Last Stand"

Tina (sister-in-law)
Finish : 3
Points : 107
Percentile : 89.66
Nickname : Betty White
2013 Actor Rank : Ava Gardner
Similar to Performance in : "The Night of the Iguana"

Jim (Dad)
Finish : 25
Points : 54
Percentile : 13.79
Nickname : Sean Penn
2013 Actor Rank : Tom Arnold
Similar to Performance in : "Soul Plane"

Peter L.
Finish : 2
Points : 108
Percentile : 93.10
Nickname : Kevin Bacon
2013 Actor Rank : Anthony Hopkins
Similar to Performance in : "The Remains of the Day"

Aunt Pat
Finish : 19
Points : 63
Percentile : 34.48
Nickname : Vivien Leigh
2013 Actor Rank : Sean Young
Similar to Performance in : "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"

Charles
Finish : 24
Points : 55
Percentile : 17.24
Nickname : John Wilkes Booth
2013 Actor Rank : Matthew Lilliard
Similar to Performance in : "Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed"

Michael B.
Finish : 28
Points : 48
Percentile : 3.45
Nickname : Bela Lugosi
2013 Actor Rank : Pauly Shore
Similar to Performance in : "In The Army Now"

Brian
Finish : 13
Points : 75
Percentile : 55.17
Nickname : Your Friend, Billy Zane
2013 Actor Rank : Ben Affleck
Similar to Performance in : "The Sum of All Fears"

Michael Heiser
Finish : 17
Points : 68
Percentile : 41.38
Nickname : Michael Heiser
2013 Actor Rank : Leslie Nielsen
Similar to Performance in : "Mr. Magoo"

Alison Heiser
Finish : 25
Points : 54
Percentile : 13.79
Nickname : Katharine Hepburn
2013 Actor Rank : Kate Bosworth
Similar to Performance in : "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!"

Robert
Finish : 15
Points : 71
Percentile : 48.28
Nickname : Dwayne The Rock Johnson
2013 Actor Rank : Topher Grace
Similar to Performance in : "Mona Lisa Smile"

Bill Bowman
Finish : 7
Points : 95
Percentile : 75.86
Nickname : Curly Howard (Three Stooges)
2013 Actor Rank : Sean Penn
Similar to Performance in : "Carlito's Way"

Kim
Finish : 25
Points : 54
Percentile : 13.79
Nickname : James Dean
2013 Actor Rank : Tom Arnold
Similar to Performance in : "Cradle 2 the Grave" (starring Jet Li and DMX)

Uncle Bill
Finish : 8
Points : 94
Percentile : 72.41
Nickname : William Holden
2013 Actor Rank : Peter Sarsgaard
Similar to Performance in : "An Education"

Missy
Finish : 29
Points : 31
Percentile : 0.00
Nickname : Meryl Streep
2013 Actor Rank : Paris Hilton
Similar to Performance in : "House of Wax"

Colin
Finish : 1
Points : 111
Percentile : 96.55
Nickname : Mel Blanc
2013 Actor Rank : Jack Nicholson
Similar to Performance in : "The Shining"

Bruce
Finish : 9
Points : 91
Percentile : 68.97
Nickname : Bob Hope
2013 Actor Rank : Bruce Willis
Similar to Performance in : "The Fifth Element"

Greg
Finish : 10
Points : 89
Percentile : 65.52
Nickname : The Fightin' Bob Rosses
2013 Actor Rank : Jake Gyllenhaal
Similar to Performance in : "October Sky"

Tim D.
Finish : 12
Points : 82
Percentile : 58.62
Nickname : Bubba Gump
2013 Actor Rank : Alan Alda
Similar to Performance in : "Manhattan Murder Mystery"

Vinay
Finish : 20
Points : 59
Percentile : 31.03
Nickname : Vin Diesel
2013 Actor Rank : Robert Pattinson
Similar to Performance in : "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"

Erica
Finish : 22
Points : 56
Percentile : 24.14
Nickname : Julia Roberts
2013 Actor Rank : Katherine Heigl
Similar to Performance in : "27 Dresses"

Layli
Finish : 6
Points : 101
Percentile : 79.31
Nickname : Dame Judi Dench
2013 Actor Rank : Natalie Portman
Similar to Performance in : "V for Vendetta"

Bill Rochfort
Finish : 5
Points : 103
Percentile : 82.76
Nickname : Bill Rochfort
2013 Actor Rank : James Stewart
Similar to Performance in : "Rear Window"

Aunt Marilyn
Finish : 13
Points : 75
Percentile : 55.17
Nickname : Kim Novak
2013 Actor Rank : Maria Bello
Similar to Performance in : "Coyote Ugly"

Ryan Talbot
Finish : 16
Points : 69
Percentile : 44.83
Nickname : Pauly Shore
2013 Actor Rank : Chris Pine
Similar to Performance in : "Star Trek"

Have a good rest of the year, y'all!

Blockbusters and Box Office Duds

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 03:29:00 +0000

Welcome back for the second round of introductions, March Madness players!

At this point, your bracket picks might not look too promising. If that's not the case, give it a couple days.

Either way, here's a chance beef up on your movie knowledge and get to know your competition before the second week of games start. I was forced to get creative with players who did not change their names for this year's pool. Apparently, Bill and Michael can't pretend to be someone they're not and they both believe in personal integrity. They're never going to make it in Hollywood.

Michael B.

Name: Bela Lugosi

Best Known For His Role in: “Dracula” (1931)

Most Questionable Acting Decision: “Zombies on Broadway” (1945)

Aunt Marilyn

Name: Kim Novak

Best Known For Her Role in: “Vertigo” (1958)

Most Questionable Acting Decision: “Just A Gigolo” (1978)

Aunt Pat

Name: Vivien Leigh

Best Known For Her Role in: “Gone With The Wind” (1939)

Most Questionable Acting Decision: “Dark Journey” (1937)

Alison (cousin)

Name: Katharine Hepburn

Best Known For Her Role in: “Bringing Up Baby” (1938)

Most Questionable Acting Decision: “The Iron Petticoat” (1956, with Bob Hope)

Vinay (old tennis doubles partner)

Name: Vin Diesel

Best Known For His Role in: “xXx” (2002)

Most Questionable Acting Decision: “The Pacifier” (2005)

Bill Rochfort

Name: Bill Rochfort

Best Known For His Role in: Global Payout, Inc. http://globalpayout.info/files/BillRochfortBio_2010.pdf

Most Questionable Acting Decision: Nothing that I can find, but he’s also a talented artist: http://www.willrochfort.com/thumbnails/

Robert

Name: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

Best Known For His Role in: “Wrestlemania XX” (2004)

Most Questionable Acting Decision: “Wrestlemania XXVII” (2011)

Colin

Name: Mel Blanc

Best Known For His Role in: “The Flintstones” (Barney Rubble) and “The Bugs Bunny Show”

Most Questionable Acting Decision: “The Peter Potamus Show” (Sneezly Seal)

Layli (Brian's GF)

Name: Dame Judi Dench

Best Known For Her Role in: “Chocolat” (2000) or “Casino Royale” (2006) - based on your gender

Most Questionable Acting Decision: “Chronicles of Riddick” (2004)

Michael Heiser (Alison’s son)

Name: Michael Heiser

Best Known For His Role in: “Ancient Aliens Debunked”

http://ancientaliensdebunked.com/mike-heiser/

Most Questionable Acting Decision: “Zecharia Sitchin is a FRAUD!” http://extraterrestrials.me/michael-s-heiser-ph-d-zecharia-sitchin-is-a-fraud/

Bruce

Name: Bob Hope

Best Known For His Role in: hosting the Academy Awards 14 times

Most Questionable Acting Decision: “Call Me Bwana” (1963) - I’m guessing it contains politically correct depictions of African tribesmen

And finally, here are four out of our past five pool champions (Sue Bowman is on a yearly sabbatical):

Bill Bowman

Name: Curly Howard (of the Three Stooges)

Best Known For His Role in: “Disorder in the Court” (1936)

Most Questionable Acting Decision: “Hold That Lion!” (1947)

Kim

Name: James Dean

Best Known For His Role in: “Rebel Without A Cause” (1955)

Most Questionable Acting Decision: “Has Anybody Seen My Gal” (1952)

Tina (sister-in-law)

Name: Betty White

Best Known For Her Role in: “Golden Girls” (1985-1992)

Most Questionable Acting Decision: “Hard Rain” (1998) - a movie where it rains really hard, starring Christian Slater

Charles

Name: John Wilkes Booth

Best Known For His Role in: “The Apostate” as the villain Duke Pescara

Most Questionable Acting Decision: Conspiring with the Confederate Secret Service

Hope this has been informative and entertaining, like the local news. Maybe slightly less depressing.

Have fun watching hoops!

A Few Degrees of Kevin Bacon

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Sat, 23 Mar 2013 04:25:00 +0000

Time to mingle with the stars, and see who's who on the red carpet. Here are the players in the 2013 March Madness pool - friends, relatives, and confidants alike.
As you can see, I have assigned a Bacon Number and Zane Number to each actor and actress.
A Bacon Number represents the degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon. Number 1 means the actor appeared in the same movie as Bacon, Number 2 means the actor appeared in a movie with another actor who appeared in a different movie with Bacon, and so on...
The Zane Number is the same principle, but applies to the wonderful and mysterious Billy Zane.
(Thanks to the Oracle of Bacon website for connecting the dots for me!)

Peter L. (stepcousin)
Name: Kevin Bacon
Bacon Number: 0
Zane Number: 2
*Connected through "In The Cut" and "Zoolander"

Erica (co-worker)
Name: Julia Roberts
Bacon Number: 1
*Connected through "Flatliners"
Zane Number: 2
*Connected through "My Best Friend's Wedding" and "Critters"

Rick (brother)
Name: Burt Reynolds
Bacon Number: 1
*Connected through "Starting Over"
Zane Number: 2
*Connected through "Nickelodeon" and "Critters"

Missy
Name: Meryl Streep
Bacon Number: 1
*Connected through "The River Wild"
Zane Number: 2
*Connected through "Silkwood" and "Critters"

Jim (Dad)
Name: Sean Penn
Bacon Number: 1
*Connected through "Mystic River"
Zane Number: 2
*Connected through "At Close Range" and "Back to the Future"

Ryan Talbot
Name: Pauly Shore
Bacon Number: 1
*Connected through "Skum Rocks!" (2013) - a little misleading because this movie hasn't come out yet
Zane Number: 2
*Connected through "For Keeps?" and "Critters"

Brian
Name: Your Friend, Billy Zane
Bacon Number: 2
*Connected through "Zoolander" and "In The Cut"
Zane Number: 0

Uncle Bill
Name: William Holden
Bacon Number: 2
*Connected through "The Towering Inferno" and "Wild Things"
Zane Number: 2
*Connected through "The Devil's Brigade" and "Back to the Future"

Commish
Name: Tony Danza
Bacon Number: 2
*Connected through "Crash" and "Loverboy"
Zane Number: 2
*Connected through "Angels in the Outfield" and "Back to the Future"

Greg
Name: The Fightin' Bob Rosses
Bacon Number: Infinity
Zane Number: Infinity

Brock
Name: Steve Buscemi
Bacon Number: 2
*Connected through "Handsome Harry" and "Cavedweller"
Zane Number: 2
*Connected through "Youth in Revolt" and "Critters"

Tim D.
Name: Bubba Gump (Mykelti Williamson)
Bacon Number: 2
*Connected through "Heat" and "Planes, Trains and Automobiles"
Zane Number: 2
*Connected through "Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home" and "Critters"

Tom
Name: Sam Shepard
Bacon Number: 2
*Connected through "Curtain Call" and "Mystic River"
Zane Number: 2
*Connected through "Black Hawk Down" and "The Ghost of Goodnight Lane"

Nancy (Mom)
Name: Melissa McBride
Bacon Number: 2
*Connected through "The Mist" and "Mystic River"
Zane Number: 2
*Connected through "Delgo" and "The Employer"

Stay tuned for more player introductions...and awards!

Who Is Sydney Pollack?

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Sun, 17 Mar 2013 19:27:00 +0000

Welcome March Madness participants (and random surfers of the inter-webs)!
It's my first blog post of the spring, and I can promise you I've been studying up for the coming tournament...

Not by looking at college basketball stats, though. I've been busy creating statistics of my own, and I've focused my attention on the competition - YOU!
After 12 years of running the Player's Club Invitational, the Commish has collected quite a few numbers on player performance (except for 2002 and 2003). Now it's time to break them down, and see who's been maximizing their bracket potential on a consistent basis. (Hint: It's not Robert)

A quick discussion of my methodology:
For each player, I tabulated results on (a) annual finish i.e. 1st, 2nd, 3rd place, (b) annual total points, and (c) annual percentile rank (because the amount of participants changes each year). I averaged all of these numbers over the last 9 years. In order to make these numbers easy to understand, I assigned players an actor or actress name. The average percentile rank corresponds with a thespian in the 2013 Commishtical Index of Acting (CIA). The CIA rankings were partly determined by data from the AMC Movie Database, Box Office Mojo, and the Golden Raspberry Awards and partly determined by my personal judgment.
As an example, if you usually finish in the 92nd percentile, you're on par with Paul Newman or Grace Kelly. However, if you usually place in the 3rd percentile, you're a regular Pauly Shore or Elizabeth Berkley, making bad choices year after year (or you're no longer getting work).
In addition, I provided the last good movie of each actor/actress (6.8 rating or better of a film (not animated or TV movie) on IMDB).

(By the way, I currently only have results for people who played in last year's pool.
The Commishtical Index of Acting 2013 is available upon request.)

Look below to see if you're an Oscar contender, or if you're getting ripped by Rotten Tomatoes.
Let's start with the five rookies from last year:

Sharon (stepmom)
2012 Finish : 2
2012 Points : 137
2012 Percentile : 93
Actor/Actress Rank : Elizabeth Taylor
Last Good Movie : Reflections In a Golden Eye (1967)

Brett
2012 Finish : 14
2012 Points : 80
2012 Percentile : 53
Actor/Actress Rank : Jesse Eisenberg
Last Good Movie : The Social Network (2010)

Colin
2012 Finish : 23
2012 Points : 59
2012 Percentile : 23
Actor/Actress Rank : Sylvester Stallone
Last Good Movie : Rocky Balboa (2006)

Greg
2012 Finish : 4
2012 Points : 109
2012 Percentile : 87
Actor/Actress Rank : Humphrey Bogart
Last Good Movie : The Harder They Fall (1956)

Tim D.
2012 Finish : 5
2012 Points : 109
2012 Percentile : 83
Actor/Actress Rank : James Stewart
Last Good Movie : The Shootist (1976)

As you can tell, some of our rookies are quite talented, but they need to keep honing their craft if they want to be relevant a few years from now. Here's a look at the pool veterans, starting with yours truly. For the record, I think Casey Affleck is a better actor than Ben Affleck:

The Commish
Average Finish : 12
Average Points : 87
Average Percentile : 55
Experience : 9 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Ben Affleck
Last Good Movie : Argo (2012)

Brock
Average Finish : 14
Average Points : 82
Average Percentile : 48
Experience : 8 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Topher Grace
Last Good Movie : Traffic (2000)

Bill Butler
Average Finish : 5
Average Points : 100
Average Percentile : 82
Experience : 4 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Christoph Waltz
Last Good Movie : Django Unchained (2012)

Tom
Average Finish : 11
Average Points : 85
Average Percentile : 59
Experience : 8 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Frank Langella
Last Good Movie : Robot and Frank (2012)

Rick (brother)
Average Finish : 13
Average Points : 77
Average Percentile : 49
Experience : 9 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Luke Wilson
Last Good Movie : 3:10 to Yuma (2007)

Nancy (Mom)
Average Finish : 15
Average Points : 76
Average Percentile : 38
Experience : 9 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Chloe Moretz
Last Good Movie : Hugo (2011)

Tina (sister-in-law)
Average Finish : 9
Average Points : 91
Average Percentile : 64
Experience : 9 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Anne Bancroft
Last Good Movie : Torch Song Trilogy (1988)

Jim (Dad)
Average Finish : 9
Average Points : 90
Average Percentile : 64
Experience : 9 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Casey Affleck
Last Good Movie : Gone Baby Gone (2007)

Peter L.
Average Finish : 9
Average Points : 87
Average Percentile : 65
Experience : 7 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Jake Gyllenhaal
Last Good Movie End of Watch (2012)

Aunt Pat
Average Finish : 14
Average Points : 73
Average Percentile : 47
Experience : 7 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Kristen Bell
Last Good Movie : Stuck in Love (2012)

Charles (The Chuckman)
Average Finish : 13
Average Points : 80
Average Percentile : 47
Experience : 9 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Eddie Murphy
Last Good Movie : Coming to America (1988)

Paula (cousin)
Average Finish : 14
Average Points : 81
Average Percentile : 48
Experience : 8 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Sarah Michelle Gellar
Last Good Movie : The Air I Breathe (2007)

Michael B.
Average Finish : 17
Average Points : 65
Average Percentile : 35
Experience : 7 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Chris Hemsworth
Last Good Movie : The Avengers (2012)

Brian (Showcase)
Average Finish : 12
Average Points : 81
Average Percentile : 53
Experience : 8 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Jesse Eisenberg
Last Good Movie : The Social Network (2010)

Michael H. (son of Alison)
Average Finish : 14
Average Points : 78
Average Percentile : 46
Experience : 8 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Rob Lowe
Last Good Movie : Thank You For Smoking (2005)

Alison (cousin)
Average Finish : 17
Average Points : 71
Average Percentile : 35
Experience : 9 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Michelle Monaghan
Last Good Movie : Machine Gun Preacher (2011)

Robert
Average Finish : 20
Average Points : 65
Average Percentile : 24
Experience : 7 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Macaulay Culkin
Last Good Movie : Saved! (2004)

Bill Bowman
Average Finish : 14
Average Points : 81
Average Percentile : 43
Experience : 5 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Sydney Pollack
Last Good Movie : Michael Clayton (2007)

Sue Bowman
Average Finish : 12
Average Points : 81
Average Percentile : 54
Experience : 5 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Katie Holmes
Last Good Movie : Thank You For Smoking (2005)

Kim
Average Finish : 13
Average Points : 79
Average Percentile : 52
Experience : 5 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Ethan Hawke
Last Good Movie : Before the Devil Knows You're Dead (2007)

Uncle Bill
Average Finish : 10
Average Points : 92
Average Percentile : 61
Experience : 6 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Timothy Olyphant
Last Good Movie : Live Free or Die Hard (2007)

Jamie DiFranco
Average Finish : 24
Average Points : 57
Average Percentile : 14
Experience : 3 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Tom Arnold
Last Good Movie : Gardens of the Night (2008)

Bruce
Average Finish : 18
Average Points : 58
Average Percentile : 31
Experience : 3 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Robert Pattinson
Last Good Movie : Water for Elephants (2011)

And the best for last...

Missy
Average Finish : 17
Average Points : 59
Average Percentile : 37
Experience : 2 years
Actor/Actress Rank : Zhang Ziyi
Last Good Movie : Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)

To answer my original question, Sydney Pollack is an actor from such films as "Eyes Wide Shut" and " Tootsie" AND an Oscar-winning director ("Out of Africa").
He is pictured above with Meryl Streep. She's been in a few good movies, but I can't think of one off the top of my head...

Dining in the Year 2013

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 20:56:00 +0000

On Friday, I treated myself to a meal at the Skillet Diner in Capitol Hill. While I waited for my sandwich, a friendly tattooed waiter in a red flannel shirt served me a fruit fresca. I sipped on my drink and savored the strawberry, celery and lime combination. I poured myself a glass of water. Then I began writing in my journal at the bar counter, effectively signaling to everyone that I am a deeply introspective and creative person. Five or ten minutes passed. I put down my pen and glanced at the television. Then I checked my phone for sports news. Still waiting on the sandwich, I watched the waitstaff restocking sugar packets and refilling drinks. I observed a tattooed customer seated on a barstool eating his sandwich. He was finishing his meal and eager to get the bill.

Whenever I'm eating alone at a restaurant, it feels like an eternity. There's only the conversation in my head to keep me entertained. It's strange that I feel the need to be busy or at least look busy. I was happy there was a television. It gave me an excuse to look up. The sound was off, but its pictures told me things: "Football Player Fast. Catch Good." Nothing insightful, just a loop of sports highlights. Athletes in slow motion celebrations.

One year from now, my dining experiences will be radically different. I will have a son or a daughter on my lap or close to my chest. I will not look like a struggling writer or an educated vagrant. I will be a doting father, making sure the diaper is dry and the baby is comfortable and amused. I'll be waiting for the child to wake up or take a nap, studying the movement of his or her eyelids like a sleep scientist. My backpack will be replaced by a baby bag. Books, papers, and headphones left at home. Toys and bottles and butt wipes at the ready. Things in case of a baby emergency - that's what I'll remember when I'm leaving the house.

Next year, as I stumble out the door, with an infant in a sling, I will no longer be reduced to the lonely decisions of an unemployed man:

What coffee shop is best for my concentration?
Do I deserve a scone?
Is it too late in the afternoon for caffeine?
Should I feel bad about not having a job?
What's the capital of Cameroon?
What is the absolute quickest way to get rich, without compromising myself?
What is the absolute quickest way to get rich, with compromising myself?
If I made a movie of my life, what would it be called? "National Treasure 3?"

Instead I will think of him or her...the tiny person pressed gently against my shirt, perhaps drooling and asleep, or noisy and awake, and how to keep that person happy.
Little BeastHawk or RainUnit.
Names pending.

Definitely in favor of a first name with capital letters, like LeBron.

My Unconventional Final Four Predictions

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 20:43:00 +0000

With Saturday's semifinal games approaching, all four teams seem capable of capturing the title. All of the Final Four teams have knocked off a No. 1 seed to get to New Orleans, except for Kentucky, the remaining No. 1 in the bunch.

Louisville plays a smothering defense and has allowed 57.5 points per game in the tournament. Their offense is not exactly high-powered, but it's well-balanced, with six players averaging over 9 points per game. The Cardinals usually make up for their streaky shooting with good rebounding. When they play the Wildcats this weekend, there is an extra incentive to winning - beating their in-state rival...and it goes deeper than that: Louisville head coach Rick Pitino doesn't like Kentucky head coach John Calipari. Especially after Calipari stole recruit Marquis Teague away from Louisville, and after he called Kentucky "the only real program in the state."

Although it's going to take more than bad blood to beat Kentucky. The Wildcats have been on a roll in the tournament, winning all four games by 12 points or more, and averaging 88 points per contest (10 more points than their season average). Kentucky is loaded with freshman talent, the best one being Anthony Davis, who averages over 14 points, 10 rebounds, and 4 blocks per game. He is one of three freshman Wildcats heading to the NBA next year (projected), and two upperclassmen, Doron Lamb and Darius Miller, will also be joining them. So it's now or never for this group.

The Ohio State Buckeyes are little more experienced. They start four sophomores and a senior. One of them, forward Jared Sullinger, was considered a one-and-doner, but he decided to return for a second year, and it's the biggest reason the Buckeyes are back in the Final Four. Sullinger is part of a three-headed scoring attack, along with forward Deshaun Thomas and guard William Buford - all of them average over 14 ppg, and all of them are capable of hitting three-pointers. In addition, the Buckeyes only allow 60 points per game on defense.

Finally, let's discuss the team that always seems to destroy my bracket. I took the Kansas Jayhawks as my champion the last two years (along with President Obama), and both years, they couldn't even make the Final Four (losing to Northern Iowa in the second round in 2010 and to VCU in the Elite Eight in 2011). Understandably, I had lost all faith in the Jayhawks, and now they are two wins away from the title. Like the remaining teams in the tournament, Kansas is defense-oriented (something to take into account next March). The team allows the third-lowest FG percentage in the nation - opponents only shoot 38% against them. The Jayhawks' only major flaw appears to be three point shooting - 23.4%! Yikes.

So which team will reign supreme and manage to pull off two wins this weekend? After looking at the statistical strengths and weaknesses, I don't think any of the numbers really matter. In the last seven years, I've only guessed one champion correctly. I would have been better off making my bracket picks after consulting a six year-old, or if I was a six year-old myself. And that convinced me I need to simplify my thinking about predictions.

For instance...how often does the Final Four Champion sport the color blue on their uniforms? In the last 27 years (since the field expanded to 64 or more teams), the champion has worn blue 20 times (including powder blue). Seventy-four percent of the time - that's a pretty good indicator of success.

Second, what kind of team mascots do well in the NCAA tournament? Of the last 27 winners, over half (14) have been animals (Gators, Huskies, etc.), six have been people (Spartans, Rebels, Hoosiers, etc.), six have been mythical figures (Blue Devils, Jayhawks, etc.), and one has been a color (Orange). In 2012, animal teams are 36-35 (felines are 11-7), people names are 14-21, mythical figures are 5-4, and colors are 3-2 in the tournament...and, by the way, nature mascots (Buckeyes and Cyclones) are 5-1.

Third, how often is the Final Four Champion from a Confederate or Union state? Since 1985, 17 out of the 27 champions have come from Union States (with Duke, UNC, Florida, and Arkansas grabbing the rest of them for the Confederate states). In the tournament this year, teams from Union states are 32-24, while Confederate state teams are 17-20.

Using these new criteria (colors, Civil War loyalties, and mascots), I believe I can accurately predict the outcome of this week's games. Since all of the teams are from Union states, I can eliminate that factor. Okay, let's get down to guestimatin'.

Louisville vs. Kentucky

Color: Wildcat Blue beats Cardinal Red

Mascot: Both are animals, but felines have been particularly successful this March, so Wildcats get the nod

Winner: Kentucky

Ohio State vs. Kansas

Color: Jayhawk Blue beats Buckeye Red

Mascot: A team with a nature mascot has only won a title once since 1939 (Ohio State in 1960), so edge goes to Kansas (mythical figures have won 25% of the time since 1988)

Winner: Kansas

Kentucky vs. Kansas
Color: Push - both teams sport blue
Mascot: Since the field increased to 64, animals have been more successful than mythical figures, which favors the Wildcats

Winner: Kentucky

And there you have it. If I would have used this kind of logic when I filled out my brackets, I would be on top of the leaderboard, instead of Charles (now I've really jinxed him).

Note: I borrowed some of the 2012 research on states and mascots from Shane Ryan at grantland.com.

By Your Powers Combined!

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 21:45:00 +0000

Time to tell you about the final eight heroes in your bracket:

Bruce Treut
Name: Aquaman
Highest Finish: 14th (2011)
2012 Champion Pick: Michigan St.
Special power: The King of Atlantis can breathe underwater and can communicate directly with any sea life, and order them to fight evil. The only crustacean that ignores his commands is the stubborn Alaskan King Crab (because he is a competing monarch in the ocean kingdom).

Bill Butler
Name: Nightcrawler
Highest Finish: 2nd (2004)
2012 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Special power: This blue-skinned member of the X-Men can teleport quickly (faster than Star Trek standards) - up to 3 miles away from his starting position! Can you imagine how helpful this is in the middle of the night when you really have to use the bathroom?

Brock
Name: Paul Bunyan
Highest Finish: 1st (2005)
2012 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Special power: The giant lumberjack, usually accompanied by Babe the Blue Ox, is responsible for many of the geographic features of the United States. He created the Grand Canyon by dragging his axe behind him, and the 10,000 lakes in Minnesota were footprints left by Paul and Babe during a great blizzard. Sadly, he is also guilty of clear-cutting and irresponsible logging practices.

Greg
Name: Zaphod Beeblebrox
Highest Finish: Rookie
2012 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Special power: In case you didn’t know, Zaphod is president of the galactic government (from “Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. He has two heads, three arms, and lives the life of a self-centered rock star, gallivanting around the universe as he pleases. He’s not too concerned about the Vogon destroying Earth to build a intergalactic highway. Should he be?

Colin
Name: Die Fledermaus
Highest Finish: Rookie
2012 Champion Pick: North Carolina
Special power: Like the character he is spoofing, Batman, he has no real superpowers; just a costume with oversized ears, a realistic bat nose, and a boatload of gadgets. Featured in the cartoon “The Tick,” Die Fledermaus usually sat around in diners and tried to pick up women, instead of fighting bad guys.

Brett
Name: Hellboy: Box Full of Evil
Highest Finish: Rookie
2012 Champion Pick: Florida St.
Special power: During World War 2, Hellboy was summoned as an infant from Hell to Earth by the Nazis. Luckily, the United States won the war and trained Hellboy to become a federal agent (investigating paranormal activities). This red-skinned demon possesses superhuman strength and endurance. He has cloven hooves and an oversized hand made of stone - called the Right Hand of Doom - that is perfect for pummeling his enemies.

Tim Dardis
Name: Tim Dardis
Highest Finish: Rookie
2012 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Special power: Tim Dardis is a genius when it comes to pull tabs. I once saw him win three dollars.

Me
Name: Captain Planet
Highest Finish: 1st (2002, 2004)
2012 Champion Pick: North Carolina
Special power: CP can control the elements of wind, earth, fire, water and heart. Heart, by the way, is the power of imparting care and sympathy into the minds of people. Sounds like propoganda to me.

Gods and Monsters

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 13:28:00 +0000

Continuing with my introduction of March Madness participants in 2012...I guess you could call them my friends, but for three weeks out of the year, they are my mortal enemies:

Charles
Name: Shear Madness & Udder Chaos
Highest Finish: 4th (2011)
2012 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Special power: Points for creativity! No, I will not award you points in the pool, but bravo for coming up with a sheep and cow crimefighter duo, who fight villains like Masta Don and Panda Monium. I just wish there were more puns at Charles’ disposal.

Brian
Name: Topo the Octopus
Highest Finish: 2nd (2005)
2012 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Special power: Topo is a cephalopod with unusually high intelligence, so naturally he is good pals with Aquaman. Green Arrow taught him archery and he can play several musical instruments at once...are these skills applicable underwater?

Bill Bowman
Name: Bacchus - God of Intoxication
Highest Finish: 1st (2008)
2012 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Special power: As the consummate (double entendre) partier and the creator of wine, Bacchus often found himself in the company of pretty raucous revelers, including nymphs and satyrs. A satyr, by the way, is a pipe player that roams the woods and mountains, and it’s part human and part goat. But don’t ever confuse a satyr for a faun or a centaur. That will land you in deep trouble.

Sue Bowman
Name: Underdog
Highest Finish: 1st (2009)
2012 Champion Pick:
Special power: This dog in a cape should mostly be applauded for teaching kids to rhyme. A few examples are: (1) “There’s no need to fear! Underdog is here!” (2) “I am a hero who never fails, I can’t be bothered with such details,” and (3) “When Polly’s in trouble, I am not slow, it’s hip, hip, hip, and away I go!”

Kim
Name: Archangel Michael
Highest Finish: 1st (2010)
2012 Champion Pick: Michigan St.
Special power: Like all archangels, Michael delivers messages from God to people and vice versa. And I understand that he defeated Satan in heaven, which is a big deal. However, the Archangel Gabriel had 140 pairs of wings, so he probably could fly faster. Just sayin’.

Robert
Name: Epimetheus
Highest Finish: 4th (2008)
2012 Champion Pick: Michigan St.
Special power: Eppy, as I like to call him, was Prometheus’ foolish brother. While Prometheus was busy creating a man out of clay, Eppy was handing out qualities to animals and creatures in a lackadaisical fashion, like strength, speed, and flight. “Here you go, ostrich! Here’s a long neck and some wings that are useless for flying!” In the course of his random gift-giving, he forgot to save any special traits for humans.

Michael Busick
Name: Black Lightning
Highest Finish: 7th (2006, 2009)
2012 Champion Pick: North Carolina
Special power: Once a member of the Justice League and parodied in a Saturday Night Live skit by the comedian Sinbad, Black Lightning can generate bursts of lightning (also called electricity). He was one of the first African-American superheroes, and was considerably more talented than Blackwing, Black Spider, Black Racer, Black Eagle or Black Panther.

Tom
Name: The Invisible Man
Highest Finish: 3rd (2008)
2012 Champion Pick: Michigan St.
Special power: Speaking of African Americans, The Invisible Man was a novel written in 1952 by Ralph Ellison, about a nameless black man living in small town in the South, and later in Harlem, who struggles to define his place in society. But maybe Tom was thinking about H.G. Wells’ novel of the same name (published in 1897), where a scientist turns himself invisible, and is unable to reverse the effects, with murderous consequences. I have read neither classic novel, and I feel ashamed. But, like the main characters, I can’t seem to escape my tragic fate.

Part 3 of superhero introductions will follow shortly. I didn’t forget about you, Aquaman!

We Can Be Heroes Just For One Day

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 21:25:00 +0000

Starting with the 2011 Player’s Club Invitational Defending Champion, here’s a rundown of the pool competition. The first round of introductions covers the Commish’s immediate and extended family. Look for Part 2 later this weekend...

Tina (sister-in-law)

Name: Professor X
Highest Finish: 1st (2011)
2012 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Special power: He can read people's minds and project thoughts into them, of anyone within range of 250 miles. Xavier can also suppress memories or cause amnesia in others, which sort of defeats the purpose of aging.

Rick (brother)
Name: HANCOCK
Highest Finish: 7th (2003, 2010)
2012 Champion Pick: Florida St.
Special power: I remember watching this movie with Spanish subtitles and no sound in Costa Rica. I should try watching it again. As an underachieving superhero with a bad attitude and a taste for liquor, his special power is destroying public property.

Jamie Difranco (nephew)
Name: The Human Torch
Highest Finish: My records appear to be incomplete in this regard. Sorry. Let's just say 15th...
2012 Champion Pick: Duke
Special power: Goes without saying, but this member of the Fantastic Four can cover his body in fire for up to 17 hours, soar through the air at supersonic speeds, and shoot flames at his enemies. Always wondered what would happen if him and Iceman fought - don't worry, it has been debated at length on comic chat forums.

Mom/Nancy
Name: Helen Parr aka Elastigirl
Highest Finish: 4th (2009)
2012 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Special power: This homemaker/superhero (above) can stretch parts of her body up to 100 feet. She is married to Mr. Incredible and is the very definition of a supermom. Still, my mom's better. Obviously. Have you ever tried her carrot cake?

Aunt Pat
Name: Nike
Highest Finish: 6th (2010)
2012 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Special power: Superior flying and running skills (swoosh). Sometimes depicted driving the chariot of Zeus, Nike is the Greek goddess of victory. Best known for her headless statue in the Louvre in Paris (Winged Victory of Samothrace).

Dad/Jim
Name: Jimmy Neutron
Highest Finish: 2nd (2003, 2008)
2012 Champion Pick: Kansas
Special power: Possesses an IQ of 210 - ten more points than actually possible - so it's fair to say he's the smartest kid in the world. But would someone with this much brainpower really pick Kansas?

Sharon/Stepmom
Name: Dagda (Da Good One)
Highest Finish: Rookie
2012 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Special power: Unparalleled in power in the Celtic world - Dagda has a magic club that can kill nine men with one blow, a magical harp that puts the seasons in order, and a cauldron that supplies unlimited food. Throws some killer parties, too...because he rules over life and death.

Luke (stepbrother)
Name: Silver Surfer
Highest Finish: Rookie
2012 Champion Pick: Syracuse
Special power: He absorbs the universe's cosmic energy, which makes him strong and almost indestructible. On his board, the Silver Surfer is capable of flying through hyperspace at remarkable speeds. In the late 70s, he joined a prog-rock band with Hulk and Namor the Submariner called The Titans Three.

Peter (stepcousin)
Name: Peter Parker
Highest Finish: 1st (2006, 2007)
2012 Champion Pick: Syracuse
Special power: Thanks to a radioactive spider, Peter is especially agile and can cling to walls, ceilings and buildings. After all these years, he's still trying to get his doctorate in biochemistry and his patent request for a web-shooting device keeps getting turned down.

Uncle Bill
Name: William the Conqueror
Highest Finish: 2nd (2007)
2012 Champion Pick: Kentucky
Special power: As far as I know, William was a real person, and the first Norman King of England. In the tradition of Coneheads, upon invading the British Isles, he proclaimed, "We come from France!"

Paula (cousin)
Name: Freyja
Highest Finish: 3rd (2007)
2012 Champion Pick: Syracuse
Special power: Wikipedia, the primary guide for all Norse and Germanic mythology, states that Freyja "rides on a chariot driven by two cats." Let's just stop right there. So she's one of those crazy people who puts a leash on her cat and tries to walk it down the street? That's just stupid. You can't train a cat.

Alison Heiser (cousin)
Name: Athena Goddess of Wisdom
Highest Finish: 2nd (2010)
2012 Champion Pick: Michigan St.
Special power: Athena, one of the three Virgin Goddesses of Olympus, gave the olive tree to Greece, providing people with shade, oil, and olives. And so they named the city of Athens after her. She was also a cunning war strategist and the patron saint of weaving, for those people who didn't like olives.

Michael Heiser (son of Athena)
Name: Robin
Highest Finish: 3rd (2010)
2012 Champion Pick: Michigan St.
Special power: The Boy Wonder had the privilege of learning from the best crime fighter of all time, the Dark Knight. Acrobatic, elusive and highly intelligent, he went on to become the superhero Nightwing. Then Batman adopted a series of other apprentices named Robin. The worst one, by far, was Chris O'Donnell.

And I saved the best family member for last...

Missy

Name: Demeter

Highest Finish: 15th (2011)

2012 Champion: Michigan St.

Special power: This Greek Goddess taught people how to grow and prepare grain, and maintains the land's fertility. But I still sort of blame her for winter. Four months out of the year, she gets all depressed about her daughter Persephone (because she has to live in Hades), and won't let us humans harvest crops. Pretty melodramatic, if you ask me.

There is No "I" in Team...

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 17:47:00 +0000

...unless you're talking about the "SuperFriends," Hanna-Barbera's cartoon based on the Justice League of America. The JLA was a team of DC Comics characters that bonded together every time an ubervillain threatened to blow up the world or enslave the human population. In the cartoon, the superheroes gathered at their headquarters in Metropolis, the Hall of Justice, and then used their combined wits and powers to bring down mad scientists and aliens.

Batman, Robin, Superman, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman were the starting five on the Superfriends. (Bear with me...I'm working on a basketball metaphor here.)

Later, Green Lantern, The Flash, Hawkman, and Hawkgirl joined the team and made significant contributions off the bench. The most puzzling addition, created just for the television series, was Apache Chief. He was a Native American who could grow to unlimited size upon uttering a few words from his native language. It was a well-meaning attempt to include a superhero of color (because it was the 1970s), but ultimately, Apache Chief was a walking stereotype. He was simultaneously joined by other semi-racist role players, Black Vulcan, El Dorado and Samurai.

Got a little off topic there, but my point is: Everyone knew their role on the SuperFriends, and they were able to work together to achieve good results. Superman was unquestionably the star of the team, like a humble Kobe Bryant (oxymoron), given his remarkable talent. Batman was the point guard, skirting around defenders in his Batmobile and creating plays with his unlimited arsenal of gadgets. Wonder Woman, a warrior princess of the Amazons, naturally played the post position. She used her elbows and indestructible bracelets to her advantage, and seemingly grabbed rebounds out of nowhere, due to her invisible airplane. Aquaman was the small forward with questionable range, because he couldn't leave the ocean for too long. Robin was the tiny guard who could pretty much only hit free throws, yet he was dependable and didn't turn over the ball too much. A pretty good lineup, right?

Except the SuperFriends knew, that in order to reach the next level, they couldn't always play with three guards, and they needed depth. They needed some more muscle down low (Green Lantern, Hawkman) and a lightning-quick point guard (The Flash) to confuse opponents. And it doesn't hurt to recruit a Hispanic player, El Dorado, to bring in more fans and sell more tickets.

Okay, I've exhausted this metaphor.

In conclusion, the Kentucky Wildcats are exceptionally talented, but do they have enough depth to make it to the championship game? Or does it not matter that only six or seven players take the court for Coach Calipari each game? Sure, Superman and his friends can play 35+ minutes each night. Can Anthony Davis, Doron Lamb, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, and Marquis Teague carry the team on their shoulders for six straight games?

A Geographic Look at March Madness

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 23:51:00 +0000

Quick! Answer this question!

Where is St. Bonaventure located?

How about Iona?

Both of these Catholic schools are in the great state of New York. The St. Bonaventure Bonnies (real creative nickname) reside in the western part of the state, in the Allegheny River Valley, whereas the Iona Gaels are located in New Rochelle, closer to NYC. In total, four universities in New York state received invites to the 2012 NCAA men's basketball tournament. The other two are Syracuse and LIU-Brooklyn.

This year, the state that received the most bids was North Carolina. Five invites were sent to UNC, Duke, Davidson, UNC-Asheville, and NC State. How is this relevant?

Last year, the state of Virginia got five teams in, and two of those teams went to the Sweet Sixteen (Richmond and VCU), and one of them made it to the Final Four.

On the other hand, Pennsylvania had five bids, and the state only notched two wins (Temple, Pittsburgh). So maybe there is no significance to this...although three of the 2011 Final Four teams came from states receiving three bids or more (Virginia, Indiana, and Kentucky). Then I looked back at the four Final Fours before that (2007-2010), and I found no correlation between number of state bids and Final Four appearances.

So that was a giant waste of time, and it was not useful in predicting the teams that will end up in New Orleans.

But just for the fun of it, here are the other states that got three or more college invites (besides North Carolina and New York):

California (4) - San Diego St., St. Mary's, Long Beach St., California

Kentucky (4) - Louisville, Kentucky, Murray St., Western Kentucky

Ohio (4) - Cincinnati, Ohio St., Xavier, Ohio

Virginia (3) - VCU, Virginia, Norfolk St.

Indiana (3) - Notre Dame, Indiana, Purdue

Tennessee (3) - Vanderbilt, Memphis, Belmont

Michigan (3) - Detroit, Michigan, Michigan St.

Florida (3) - Florida St., Florida, Southern Florida

Kansas (3) - Kansas, Kansas St., Wichita St.

Of note: Oregon and Illinois laid big fat goose eggs, and my home state of Washington only got one bid - Gonzaga.

Go Aztecs! I place my rooting interests solely on you!

Hit it, Rockapella!

Introducing You to HSIR - Guaranteed Results!

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 19:09:00 +0000

Are you having a case of the bracket blues?

Are you uneasy about your picks, because you don't know the difference between Marquette and Michigan?

Well, I understand your agony. I've been there every spring - staring at the screen of laptop and praying for answers.

I know how it feels to complete a bracket with no confidence.

But then I found a solution.

After a decade of being frustrated with my March Madness picks, I created a system that delivers results. It predicts the success of each tournament team by analyzing 12 statistical categories, and I guarantee it's a 12-step program that works. In fact, it's never failed...because this is the first time I've tried it. It's called HSIR, the Hancock Statistical Index Rankings, and it's like 5 Hour Energy Drink for your brackets. Trust me, you'll feel invigorated.

While calculating the rankings, I focused on only the teams that will most likely be seeded No. 1 through No. 5 in each region. Every year I've been following the tournament, the Final Four Champion has come out of this grouping of 20 elite teams. A couple worthy teams were left out, like Murray State and Creighton, but I chose the twenty teams based on the projections of several bracketologists.

Then I measured each team's proficiency in the following categories: rebounds per game, effective FG% (shooting stat that gives more value to three pointers), offensive rebound %, FTA/FGA (free throws attempted per field goal attempted), turnover %, points allowed per game, opponents' effective FG%, blocks per game, and steals per game. In every category, a team received a score ranging from 0 to 4. I got all of this information from teamrankings.com and compiled a really cool spreadsheet - one that would make Robert proud, and even more complex than his foosball game tracker. In addition to the above stats, I gave one bonus point to each team for each of these achievements: winning record against the Top 25, 80% winning percentage in the last 10 games, and 60% winning percentage on the road.

(Disclaimer: This is data gathered before conference tournaments started)

All said, I put more energy into the HSIR than I put into my day job. My workplace production was negatively impacted even before the conclusion of the Pac-12 tournament. Without further ado, here are the team rankings (out of a possible 39 points):

Kentucky - 32

Syracuse - 30

North Carolina - 27

Michigan State - 27

Kansas - 26

Ohio State - 24

Wichita State - 24

Marquette - 23

Georgetown -23

Louisville - 23

Duke - 22

Missouri - 21

Baylor - 21

UNLV - 21

Florida State - 21

Wisconsin - 20

Temple - 20

Indiana - 19

Florida - 17

Michigan - 11

The very top of these rankings don't tell you anything new. Kentucky and Syracuse are the two best teams in the country. However, North Carolina, Michigan State and Kansas are all capable of challenging them for the crown. Also, don't sleep on the Shockers of Wichita State - they will play for a Final Four berth. I will bet my life on it. The one thing I learned the most from these stats is that Michigan is not very good at rebounding, getting to the foul line, blocking shots, or limiting a team's shooting percentage...but somehow the Wolverines only allowed 61.5 points a game in a tough conference, and had a 6-4 record against the top 25. Out of all the 20 teams, the Wisconsin Badgers seem to be the most disciplined - they rarely turn the ball over, they limit opponents to 52 points a game and 41% FG. As always, the Big East teams (Marquette, Georgetown and Louisville) are enigmas. But, at the very least, my rankings will guide you in potential matchups with other teams.

Are you impressed with how HSIR works? For an additional $5.99 (added to your entry fee of $15), I can tell you all of the teams in the Elite Eight...and then you might have a chance at tying me in the standings in April. Try the HSIR Deluxe package today!

Cinderella Comparisons

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 21:45:00 +0000

Every year in the NCAA men's basketball tournament, sports writers and broadcasters are eager to paint the picture of a team's success as a Cinderella story. This comparison is made to mid-major teams like Butler, Davidson, and VCU, because they are traditionally the underdogs. To elaborate on this fairy tale analogy, these schools are the poor, overworked maids who are oppressed by their stepmothers and stepsisters (Duke, North Carolina, and Kentucky). They don't have a dress to wear to the prince's ball...yet, against all odds, they are magically given a dress and glass slippers, because they worked so hard and remained faithful to their dead parents' wishes...

I'm going to guess that Andy Katz, Jay Bilas, Seth Davis and 99% of basketball analysts (excluding the eloquent orator Jim Nance) have not read the Grimm Brothers' version of Cinderella (called "Aschenputtel"). Like most of America, they are familiar with Disney's cheerful revision, where morning housework = singalongs with cute musically gifted birds and humorous mice. In the Grimms' "Aschenputtel," there is no fairy godmother; only a magic tree planted on top of her mother's grave - watered with tears, of course. There are pigeons instead of songbirds, and they pluck out the eyes of the stepsisters at the end of the story. However, the most gruesome part of this fairy tale is that one stepsister removes a big toe to fit into the glass slipper, while the other one slices off her heel. The prince determines that Cinderella is the owner of the glass slipper because her foot is not bloody. This was conveniently left out of the Disney version.

In this light, you can see how ridiculous it is to compare a group of twenty year-old male athletes to a downtrodden girl who is neglected by her family....or that basketball teams are comparable to young women pining for a slow waltz with a prince.

I just think there's a better analogy out there for mid-major teams that make a run at the Final Four. I'm a bigger fan of the term "giantkiller," i.e. David and Goliath. Maybe we could pick an analogy that's actually grounded in sports. Instead of referring to them as Cinderellas, we could call them Seabiscuits or Buster Douglases. Or dare I say, Tim Tebows?

Let's stick with the Grimms' translation for now. Here are your early candidates for this year's Aschenputtels - teams that might make an impression at the royal ball:

Belmont
Location: Nashville, TN
Name: Bruins
Record: 27-7
Quality Wins: None, but lost to Duke by one point
School fact: In anticipation of Super Tuesday, presidential candidate Rick Santorum held a rally on the Belmont campus, and is currently on track to become the next Mike Huckabee.
Chances to reach Sweet 16: 8%

Creighton
Location: Omaha, NE
Name: Bluejays
Record: 28-5
Quality Wins: San Diego St., Northwestern, Wichita St., Long Beach St.(?)
School fact: In 1924, Creighton changed its team name from Hilltoppers to Bluejays. There are hills in Nebraska?
Chances to reach Sweet 16: 35%

Murray State
Location: Murray, KY
Name: Racers
Record: 30-1
Quality Wins: Memphis, St. Mary's
School fact: This school is really into racehorses. Its baseball team is called the Thoroughbreds (or 'Breds) and the football team has a tradition where a horse runs out onto the field after every touchdown.
Chances to reach Sweet 16: 40%

Oral Roberts
Location: Tulsa, OK
Name: Golden Eagles
Record: 27-5
Quality Wins: Xavier
School fact: During registration, students must sign a pledge to a university honor code. The code prohibits lying, cursing, smoking, drinking, and a range of sexual acts. The university recently relaxed its dress code to business casual, but mullets are forbidden.
Chances to reach Sweet 16: 10%

Drexel (if the NCAA selects two Colonial teams)
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Name: Dragons
Record: 27-5
Quality Wins: VCU
School fact: In 1983, the university required all incoming students to buy a Mac 128K microcomputer. In the first year, approximately 58% of class assignments were completed using MacPaint.
Chances to reach Sweet 16: 8%

VCU - Repeat Aschenputtel?
Location: Richmond, VA
Name: Rams
Record: 28-6
Quality Wins: Drexel, South Florida(?)
School fact: Virginia Commonwealth is the first research university to offer a program in homeland security and emergency preparedness. Now I know where to get my next useless Master's degree.
Chances to reach Sweet 16: 12%

Davidson (without Stephen Curry)
Location: Davidson, NC
Name: Wildcats
Record: 25-7
Quality Wins: Kansas
School fact: President Woodrow Wilson attended this college for a year, then transferred to Princeton, where he had to endure freshman hazing a second time.
Chances to reach Sweet 16: 10%

The percentages were based on exhaustive statistical research.

World Leader Intros, Part Deux

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 06:30:00 +0000

Introductions for world leaders continued. In two weeks, we'll find out who will be crowned above everyone.

The Asian Leaders

Bill Bowman
Mammal Name: Genghis Khan
Highest Finish: 1st (2008)
2011 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun fact: Khan's empire was four times larger than the empire of Alexander the Great. Even after his death, his successors increased the size of the Mongol kingdom. Until they got to Vienna, which featured a dense fortification of harpsichords.

Sue Bowman
Name: Queen of Sheba
Highest Finish: 1st (2009)
2011 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun fact: In the Hebrew biblical account, the Queen of Sheba travels to King Solomon's land to offer him gifts of gold, spices, and stones, and he reciprocated by giving her everything she desired. But that's not how she remembers him. He was actually a bit of a tightwad.

Kim
Name: Snow Leopard
Highest Finish: 1st (2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun fact: In Central Asia, the snow leopard is an endangered species partly because its skin, bones and organs are highly valued for their uses in traditional medicine. Tylenol hasn't quite caught on in Tajikistan. (I assume Kim is sticking with the same name because it worked for him last year)

The European Leaders

Robert
Name: Nero CCAG
Highest Finish: 4th (2008)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: Nero rose to the position of Roman Emperor when his mother Agrippina poisoned his stepfather Claudius. Nero later killed his mother when she opposed his choice of a mistress, Poppaea Sabina, whom he also later murdered. This history of violence is perhaps why no one focuses on the Nero's mastery of the lyre.

Peter
Name: Silvio Berlusconi (pictured above)
Highest Finish: 1st (2006, 2007)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: In comparison to Nero, the Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi is a saint. He's only been accused of tax fraud, embezzlement, paying for sex with a minor, and bribing a judge...and well, he's still in power. So he must be innocent on all charges.

Michael Busick
Name: Pope John Paul I
Highest Finish: 7th (2006, 2009)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: John Paul I was truly the William Henry Harrison of popes, only lasting 33 days in his papal office. But how glorious those days were, in the summer of 1978, when Barry Gibb dominated the music charts with four No. 1 hits.

Michael Heiser
Name: Mussolini
Highest Finish: 3rd (2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun fact: Known to his citizens as "Il Duce," Mussolini was a fascist leader who dreamed of bringing Italy back to glory, after the country fell into economic ruin after the First World War. Unfortunately, invading Albania and joining forces with Adolph Hitler will only get you so far.

Tom
Name: Hrothgar
Highest Finish: 3rd (2008)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: Hrothgar was a legendary Danish king that appeared in Beowulf and many Norse sagas and poems. So I'm assuming he looked something like a Viking, with a gallant white beard and rosy cheeks. But maybe I'm thinking of the cartoon series David the Gnome, which was on Nickelodeon when I was 8 years old.

Tina (sister-in-law)
Name: Empress Theodora
Highest Finish: 2nd (2009)
2011 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun fact: Before she became a Byzantine empress (on April 4th, 527 - the same date as this year's Final Four championship game), Theodora was the daughter of a bear trainer and an actress. She and her husband Justinian transformed Constantinople (Istanbul) into a modern city with aqueducts and bridges, as well as constructing the Hagia Sophia.

Bruce Treut
Name: Benito Regale
Highest Finish: 22nd (2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Kansas
Fun fact: I'm not sure who this person is. Google was no help. Could it be a second Mussolini? A character in an obscure movie or book? Maybe a sandwich? Whatever the case, it seems to helping Bruce. He's tied for 12th, which is an improvement after last year.

The African Leaders

Alison
Name: Cleopatra Last Pharoah of Egypt
Highest Finish: 2nd (2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Duke
Fun fact: I didn't realize how much Cleopatra got around, until reading about her marriages to two pharoahs (who were also her brothers), and her relationships with Caesar and Mark Antony. But you have to understand it was a different time back then, and ruler husbands had short life expectancies.

Rick (brother)
Name: Emperor Haile Selassie
Highest Finish: 7th (2003, 2010)
2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.
Fun fact: His name means "Might of the Trinity," and he is perceived as the reincarnation of Jesus Christ by Rastafarians. Haile Selassie's reign as the Emperor of Ethiopia began in 1930 before it was interrupted by a Mussolini-led Italian invasion. When he returned to power , he created a special place called Zion. Jah, man.

World Leader Intros, Part Un

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 18:58:00 +0000

Time to get to know who you're playing against, March Madness pool participants. Let's start with the stalwarts of the two 20th Century superpowers, followed by other important people of the Western Hemisphere. Notably absent from our field are Manuel Noriega, Pancho Villa, and James Buchanan.

The Americans

Aunt Pat

Name: Abe Lincoln

Highest Finish: 6th (2010)

2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.

Fun fact: In his famous debates with Democrat Stephen Douglas, Abraham Lincoln proclaimed that a “house divided against itself cannot stand.” He also coined the saying, “check yourself before you wreck yourself.”

Charles

Name: ESPN-worldwide leader in sports

Highest Finish: 9th (2009)

2011 Champion Pick: Kansas

Fun fact: “Jim Rome Is Burning” is the second most popular television program in Suriname.

Vince O’Flaherty

Name: Vincent O’Flaherty

Highest Finish: 1st (2003)

2011 Champion Pick: Kansas St.

Fun fact: In 1982, Mr. O’Flaherty discovered the original recipe for Coca-Cola underneath a seat cushion inside an Atlanta waffle house. He promptly used it as a napkin.

Bill Rochfort

Name: Bill Rochfort

Highest Finish: Rookie

2011 Champion Pick: Kansas

Fun fact: Mr. Rochfort has 12-game winning streak in Chinese checkers, and yet he has never won a game of HORSE. It’s unbelievable, really...

The Russians

Matt Bowman

Name: Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov

Highest Finish: 6th (2009)

2011 Champion Pick: Pittsburgh

Fun fact: During Vladimir Lenin’s five year reign, civil war broke out in Russia. Lenin called on his Red Army to defeat the dissidents, known as the White Russians. Why isn’t there a popular cocktail called “Red Army?” How much grenadine is too much grenadine?

Mom/Nancy

Name: Nikita Khrushchev

Highest Finish: 4th (2009)

2011 Champion Pick: San Diego St.

Fun fact: In 1963, Khrushchev decided to remove Soviet missiles from Cuba, and a catastrophic confrontation between two superpowers was avoided. But he did leave a fully operational 120-foot tall Molotov cocktail on the island, just as a reminder.

Brian

Name: Feodor the Bellringer

Highest Finish: 2nd (2005)

2011 Champion Pick: Kansas

Fun fact: Feodor took a different approach to governing than his father Ivan the Terrible. He let his brother-in-law run the country, while he traveled to various cities and rang church bells. In his journal, the tsar kept personalized rankings of the most comfortable church pews. The Church of Christ in Irkutsk was his favorite.

The Pan-American Revolutionaries

Paula

Name: Evita

Highest Finish: 3rd (2007)

2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.

Fun fact: Before marrying Argentine president Juan Peron, Eva Peron worked as a radio and television actress. Madonna, who played “Evita” in the movie, has never taken an acting class in her life.

Missy (girlfriend)

Name: Che

Highest Finish: Rookie

2011 Champion Pick: Ohio St.

Fun fact: Until Che was executed in 1967, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid were the most famous people to be killed by the Bolivian Army.

Me aka The Commish

Name: Fidel Castro (pictured above)

Highest Finish: 1st (2002, 2004)

2011 Champion Pick: Kansas

Fun fact: After being released from a Cuban prison, Castro went to Mexico to plan his overthrowing of General Batista’s government. Che Guevara joined forces with Castro, on the condition that no other insurgent in their group would be able to wear a beret. Che didn’t want anyone stealing his signature look, least of all Castro.

Dad/Jim

Name: Pierre Trudeau (pictured above)

Highest Finish: 2nd (2003, 2008)

2011 Champion Pick: Kansas

Fun fact: John Lennon once said that “if all politicians were like Pierre Trudeau, there would be world peace.” Yoko Ono, on the other hand, was a fervent believer in Quebec separatism, and heckled Trudeau every chance she got.

In a day or two, get to know the rest of your competition...from the far reaches of Europe, Africa and Asia.

World Dream Team

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 18:34:00 +0000

In 2008 and 2010, the USA men's basketball team returned to prominence by winning a gold medal in Beijing and the World Championship in Turkey. But recent American teams haven't been nearly as dominant as the 1992 or 1994 Dream Teams. In 1992, the U.S. won each game by an average of 43.8 points (Croatia came the closest, only losing by 32 points). During those eight games, the NBA players shot 58% from the floor and Michael Jordan had 37 steals. Dream Team II, led by Shaquille O'Neal, Reggie Miller, and Dominique Wilkins, beat their opponents by an average of 37.7 points. In the 1994 gold medal game, the Americans crushed the Russians 137-91, the second most points scored by a U.S. team in international play.

The magnificence of the first two Dream Teams will never be matched, that's for sure. Well, at least not in the Olympic Games. But I can imagine a far greater force, a group that would command more respect than NBA players, and would have the power to alter history more significantly. "Impossible," you say, "what could be better than Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley and Larry Bird playing together as a team on the hardwood?" If you guessed a reunion of the original members of Cream, you're wrong. Trust me on this one.

What I propose is a World Leader Dream Team, made up of historical figures of unquestionable strength and resolve. Together, I believe they would destroy anyone who tried to oppose them, impose their will upon both their supporters and retractors, and possibly start a few revolutions along the way. Maybe they'd even get around to poverty and world peace. It was hard to leave Mussolini off this roster, but he just doesn't work well in a group. Here are your starters for the World Leader Dream Team, by position:

Point Guard: Nelson Mandela

He spent over 25 years in a South African prison for his political beliefs, and when he was released, he helped end apartheid and establish multi-racial democracy. Mandela also got married for the third time on his 80th birthday, so you know this guy will never stop hustling on the court. Good at setting screens and directing his teammates.

Guard: Simon Bolivar

This talented Venezuelan military leader was one of the main reasons Colombia, Peru, Panama, Ecuador and much of South America gain independence from Spain. Oh yeah, and in 1825, people named a country after him. Expert defender and liberator of basketballs.

Small Forward: Catherine The Great

Not just anyone can extend serfdom to parts of Ukraine. During her 34-year reign, she went to war with the Ottoman Empire and expanded Russia's control of the Baltics and the Middle East. She even encouraged exploration of Alaska. Very useful post player.

Power Forward: Henry V

I never read the Shakespeare play. It probably wasn't as tragic as Othello. This battle-tested veteran, however, did lead a successful attack on Normandy and many parts of France. Henry V is most famous for the Battle of Agincourt (1415), where his outnumbered, exhausted army routed the French, thanks to the English longbow. So be careful when he steps out to the perimeter. With his deadly three point accuracy, he can shred a weak zone defense.

Center: Ghengis Khan

Today, you see his face on Mongolian banknotes and Kazakhstan coins, and you probably think of him as a conquering invader of China and Central Asia. But he was a uniter, not a divider. Khan made of confederation of all the tribes on the Mongol steppes...and then he went about taking all the territory that spanned the Silk Road, from the Black Sea to the Pacific Ocean. Good luck trying to stop him in the paint.

Reserves: Chiang Kai-shek, Joan of Arc, Andrew Jackson, Ramses II, Prince Henry the Navigator, Benazir Bhutto

The Fearless #12 Seeds

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 02:38:00 +0000

Remember Cornell's improbable run to the Sweet Sixteen last year? An Ivy League team totally obliterated Temple (the Atlantic 10 champion) and Big Ten powerhouse Wisconsin in the first two rounds. Well, it wasn't that improbable. Since 1985, the No. 12 seeds have beaten the No. 5 seeds 33.7% of the time. I feel like I keep recycling this fact every year of my commissionership, but it still astounds me that #5 seeds perform so poorly. In every NCAA tournament, it's pretty much guaranteed that one or two #12 underdogs will prevail. In your bracket, you have five possible 5-12 upset scenarios (because there is a play-in game between UAB/Clemson for the chance to play #5 West Virginia). So, who do you pick?

I think the key to predicting these games, like any other first round games, is evaluating the quality of coaching and team leadership. In 2004, Manhattan knocked off Florida in the first round on the back of senior guard Luis Flores, who scored 26 points en route to a 15-point victory. Flores, the nation's third leading scorer that year, attacked the Gators mercilessly from everywhere and created opportunities for his teammates. However, the Jaspers' amazing performance may also be partly attributed to great coaching. Manhattan coach Bobby Gonzalez told his players not to think about the game like an "upset," and to ignore the team name on the other jerseys. He reminded them how close they came to winning against Syracuse (the eventual champion) in the previous year, and that given another chance, they would win. You can take into account other factors, such as Florida's lackluster play in the second half of the season, and the Jaspers out-rebounding the Gators 36-26...but ultimately, Manhattan had a gifted and passionate leader on the court (Flores), and a coach who inspired his players.

(On interesting sidenote, Bobby Gonzalez was fired from Seton Hall in 2010 after a first round game in the NIT, in which one of his players punched an opposing player in the groin and the coach received his 7th technical foul of the season...so maybe, in that case, he inspired his players to play too aggressively. Luis Flores, by the way, is playing for a Ukrainian team, BC Donetsk, after an unsuccessful stint in the NBA.)

So, given our recent history lesson, do Richmond, Utah State, Memphis, and UAB or Clemson have the tools to pull off wins over the #5 seeds? Out of these 5 teams, Richmond, Utah State, and Clemson all suffered first-round losses last year in March Madness, so their players have been on the big stage before. UAB and Richmond both have senior players who score 17+ points per game, in guard Jamarr Sanders and forward Justin Harper, respectively. Richmond's Harper is a special player who can score and rebound in the paint and shoot threes (46% from beyond the arc, and 54% FG overall). Utah State and Memphis feature more balanced attacks, with scoring distributed more evenly among the players. More offensive options should be a good thing, right? Yes, in theory...but time and time again, we see stars like Stephen Curry of Davidson lighting up the scoreboards and carrying their teams to victory. I'll go ahead and make the argument that in tournament play, you'd rather have one great player than a bunch of good players...because great coaching should be able to squeeze more out of an adequate supporting cast, whereas a marquis player is essential and harder to come by. In terms of coaching, Utah State has the edge. In 11 seasons, Aggies coach Stew Morrill has led his team to at least 23 wins every season but one (21 in 2008), and Utah State has been in the NIT or NCAA tournament every year he's been on the sidelines.

Whoa...I'm overwhelmed by all the information I've been digging up. Look, just take Richmond as your upset pick. It's what all the pundits and sportswriters say, and I happen to agree with them. Now that I've overanalyzed these first round matchups, I've left little time to study who actually will win the NCAA championship. Oh well, there are only really three teams to choose from - the Dukies, the Buckeyes, and the Jayhawks. Right?

Book Smarts

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 07:08:00 +0000

Tomorrow we find out who will represent the Ivy League in the NCAA tournament. Harvard and Princeton will have a one-game playoff at Yale University, of all places. According to Joe Lunardi of ESPN, the teams are playing for a No. 13 seed. That's right - Harvard and Princeton, the No. 1 and No. 2 national universities in US News World and Report's 2011 rankings, are fighting for a double-digit seed in the big dance. I know the NCAA tournament selection committee does not consider graduation and retention rates of colleges when determining where to place teams, nor does it evaluate student selectivity (standard SAT scores for Harvard and Princeton freshmen usually range from 1390-1580).

But how would the brackets look if they were based on academic rankings? Based on U.S. World News and Report's findings, out of the teams heading to the tournament, here's who would capture No. 1, No. 2, No. 3 and No. 4 seeds. This, of course, is an alternate universe where educational excellence is valued over athletics (and the sports entertainment industry and merchandising and television licensing). And I'm not saying I want to see a group of guys from MIT play a pick-up game. I just thought it would be interesting to see the brackets re-organized in this fashion. Next to each university is its overall score in USNW&R.

East Region - No. 1: Harvard/Princeton (100)

Southwest Region - No. 1: Notre Dame (78)

Southeast Region - No. 1: Duke (90)

West Region - No. 1: Vanderbilt (80)

East Region - No. 2: Georgetown (74)

Southwest Region - No. 2: Michigan (71)

Southeast Region - No. 2: North Carolina (70)

West Region - No. 2: UCLA (73)

East Region - No. 3: Boston College (63)

Southwest Region - No. 3: Illinois (61)

Southeast Region - No. 3: Wisconsin (61)

West Region - No. 3: Washington (59)

East Region - No. 4: Pittsburgh (52)

Southwest Region - No. 4: Texas (57)

Southeast Region - No. 4: Florida (57)

West Region - No. 4: Ohio State (53)

So it's not surprising that all of the No. 1 seeds are private universities, in this little experiment. However, there are a ton of great state schools. In closing, I would really like to see a Johns Hopkins get a Division I men's basketball team, despite a couple of weak showings against Swarthmore and Ursinus this year.

Goin' Back In Time

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 02:08:00 +0000

If you follow South Carolina college basketball as closely as I do (and I'm not just talking about the Gamecocks), you know that the Wofford Terriers made their way back into the NCAA men's tournament. Last year, the Terriers lost in the first round as a No. 13 seed to the Wisconsin Badgers by four points. This year, Wofford is projected as a No. 15 seed. So the chances they're going to move on to the second round are slim. But Wofford still gets an award for "most questionable pronounciation." Does the first syllable sound like the "wa" in "waffles?" Or is it a "woe" or "woo" sound? Probably depends on what region of the country you hail from...

Wofford does have one of the cuter live mascots: Blitz II, a Boston Terrier (pictured here with Boss, the costume mascot). The only other tournament-bound pet that rivals Blitz II in terms of adorability is Rocky, the UNC-Asheville Bulldog.

Before we get a chance to fill out our brackets for 2011, let's take a look back...all the way back to 2010. (Here's a link showing last year's results, in case you're curious).

Could the 2010 tourney darlings contend for the crown again in 2011?

Last year's Elite Eight featured two SEC teams and two Big 12 teams, and none of them made the Final Four. As of right now, all of the final eight teams in 2010 are probably making the tournament this year, except for Baylor. Here's a quick snapshot of each team:

Duke

2011: 27-4

How did the Blue Devils move on without their team captain (and points and assists leader) John Scheyer? They still have guard Nolan Smith, who is the 11th leading scorer in the nation. Plus Kyle Singler is averaging 17 points per game and those meddlesome Plumlee brothers are still throwing their weight around in the paint.

Butler

2011: 22-9

The Bulldogs won't go away. At least not yet. Butler lost to rival Milwaukee twice during the season, but was able to beat them in the Horizon Conference tournament to clinch a postseason berth. They've got loads of experience and two capable playmakers (Howard and Mack).

West Virginia

2011: 20-10

The Mountaineers have maintained a stingy defense, allowing 64 points per game. They also rank 6th in three-point FG defense. This team includes five seniors, and a man whose first name is Truck (Bryant).

Michigan State

2011: 17-13

Everyone, including myself, thought the Spartans were headed back to the Final Four. But they'll be lucky if they get a tournament invite. A first round loss to Iowa in the Big Ten tourney will put them in the NIT.

Tennessee

2011: 18-13

The Volunteers are ridiculously inconsistent. Earlier this season, they beat #7 Pitt, and then managed to score only 48 points in a loss to the University of Charlotte. Might have something to do with the coaching duties being split between suspended coach Bruce Pearl and associate coach Tony Jones.

Kansas State

2011: 22-9

The most frightening head coach in basketball, Frank Martin, will hurt me if I say anything bad about the #19 Wildcats. KSU has won 8 out of its last 9 games, including three wins against ranked teams.

Kentucky

2011: 22-8

The three leading scorers on Calipari's squad are freshmen. And I imagine they'll be joining John Wall in the NBA very soon. So don't get used to Terrence Jones in a blue jersey. A teenager from New Jersey named Michael Gilchrist is already in line to replace him at power forward. You'll know his name next year.

Baylor

2011: 18-12

The Bears lost to Texas Tech, Iowa State, Oklahoma and Oklahoma State this season. Those are the worst teams in the Big 12, just so you know. Their quality wins against Texas A&M won't save them.

Best Hobo Names (Courtesy Of John Hodgman)

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Mon, 03 May 2010 05:45:00 +0000

I like ridiculous nicknames. Especially those names that are coined for imaginary hoboes. And that is why I want to thank John Hodgman, Apple commercial actor and writer of the book "The Areas Of My Expertise." Here is a selection of hobo names from the aforementioned book.

Cleats Onionpocket

Balloonpopper Chillingsworth

Saves-Receipts Dave

Canadian Football Pete

Happy Horace Noosemaker

Cincinnati O'Gurk

Free-Peanuts Doug

Gravybelly Dunstan

Extra-Skin Dave

Brendan Headbristles

Manuel Pants-Too-High

Weekend-Circular Debora

Air and Whiskey Dale McGlue

George Slay, the Duck Throttler

Fleabottle Boone

Huge Crybaby McWeepy

Prettynickels, the Lamb

Beef Grease Porter Dripchin

Oregon Perry Hashpipe

Myron Biscuitspear, the Dumpster Archeologist

Tennessee Linthelmet

Harry Coughblood

Smokehouse "Frankie" Jowl-Poker

Both Dakotas Dave

The Sound of Silence

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 19:10:00 +0000

If anyone still reads this blog, I have an important update.
As you know, there has been little news regarding the Chuckman's bottle opener, which I kidnapped two months ago. I regret to inform the general public that the unpopular Wazzu bottle opener is no longer with us. After it returned to Seattle from Chicago, I was so sickened by its appearance that I promptly threw it away. It will never again play the Washington State Fight song and punish the good people who wish to drink beer at Charles' apartment. Here is a quick eulogy for the Cougar bottle opener:

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
We will never forget
How much the Cougars suck

Amen.

The Ballad Of The Cougar Bottle Opener

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 06:25:00 +0000

If you follow the national pastime, I don't have to tell you where Charles' Cougar opener landed recently. Pictured is the ivy wall of a ballpark known as "The Friendly Confines." If the Chicago Cubs are The Lovable Losers, what does that make the Washington State Cougars? I've narrowed it down to these choices and taken alliteration to a whole new level:

(a) The Amiable Asses
(b) The Friendly Failures
(c) The Copacetic Cads
(d) The Likable Lemons
(e) The Righteous Rabble
(f) The Fetching Flops

and...this one's just for Charles...
(g) The Palatable Palousers

What?
You thought the tour of "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener" was over? It's got frequent flyer miles now. It can go anywhere it pleases. With free peanuts. It has no reason to return to Charles' open arms (cue the Journey song).

Done With Alacrity!

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 20:30:00 +0000

Don't know if anyone noticed (probably not), but I picked the Elite Eight game results perfectly based on strengths of the team mascots. I knew there was a science to March Madness. I just didn't know someone with a Bachelor of Arts degree and Master's degree (like myself) could understand it. Turns out you don't need a Ph.D. in bracketology. You just need the ability to analyze anthropomorphized characters wearing synthetic fur.
Like any true scientist, I need to test my hypothesis again to make sure it's valid. Let's give it another shot. By Monday, we'll know if I can submit my research to an academic journal.

Final Four Semifinals
Hink the Bulldog (Butler) vs. Sparty (Michigan State)
Sparty's state-of-the-art costume, consisting of fiberglass molds and a vinyl chest plate, costs $8,000. In this formal attire, the jolly green giant supports Michigan State athletes and fans in many ways, including weddings and barmitzvahs. You don't have to be at a sports event to party with Sparty.
But I should mention that Hink is not the only mascot at Butler. There's Butler Blue II (pictured above with Colin Powell), a six year-old bulldog that runs onto the court before home games. If the NCAA Final Four officials allow him to run loose, so will the basketball team.
Edge: Hink and Butler Blue II. They only have to travel 5.7 miles from the Butler campus to Lucas Oil Stadium. Heck, they could even take public transportation. Indianapolis does have a bus system, right?

The Mountaineer (West Virginia) vs. The Blue Devil (Duke)
Both mascots have a long history of cheering on athletes and cheering up fans. Mountaineer men and women have been supporting West Virginia (in costume) since the 1934-35 season. The only lapse in their service to fans was during 1943 and 1944, when I assume the Mountaineer was abroad fighting the Axis powers. The Blue Devil made its first appearance at a football game in 1929. In the early years, it looked like a court jester with horns.
Edge: The Mountaineer. A man versus a devil doesn't seem like a fair fight. But this reminds me eerily of "The Devil and Daniel Webster."

NCAA Championship Final
Hink and Butler Blue II vs. The Mountaineer
Edge: The Mountaineer. I want to apologize for suggesting in an earlier post that The Mountaineer was a man. For the entire 2009-10 season, The Mountaineer is Rebecca Durst (next year, it's Brock Burwell). A pretty woman in buckskins versus a cute little dog? Rebecca wins by a nose.

Now that I have it all figured out, please excuse me. I need to call my bookie.

Most Unattractive, But Beneficial

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 01:02:00 +0000

"If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
This is a saying that I learned growing up. I think it means that you should respect others, even if they're complete jerks.
But, over the past thirty years, I've also learned that roasting people is fun, and it can help strengthen their character. So I (re)introduce to you the six people who are at the bottom of the standings in the March Madness pool. For them, upward mobility is not an option.
I've attributed a Bill Raftery quote to each one of these players (Rafferty, in case you aren't familiar, is a colorful CBS commentator who uses certain terms to describe plays and they don't make much sense - much like the losers' brackets).

(going) Commando
Points: 44
What went wrong: Villanova in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "A little lingerie on the deck with the blow-by!"

Wombats of Doom
Points: 45
What pick went wrong: Pitt in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "A little ricochet romance!"

YelloDog1
Points: 54
What pick went wrong: Louisville in the Elite Eight
Rafferty quote: "Get the puppies set!"

The Sly Fox
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Georgetown in the Elite Eight (ditto)
Rafferty quote: "Onions!"

Snarkopotamus
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Oklahoma State in the Elite Eight
Rafferty quote: "We got a little nickel-dimer here!"

Albino Rhino
Points: 57
What pick went wrong: Villanova in the Final Four
Rafferty quote: "The vegetable cart!"

As you can see in the picture above, Charles' Cougar bottle opener has moved on from Japan. Last night, it was spotted underwater near the Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean. The area is the deepest known part of the world's oceans. How fast the Washington State Cougars have sunk since the 2003 Football season and their Holiday Bowl win.
No, it's not a sweater I wore to a nautical-themed party. I can't believe what you're insinuating.
Stay tuned for the next stop in "Where's the Chuckman's Bottle Opener?"

Last Cat Standing

noreply@blogger.com (Nativity Camel) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 03:29:00 +0000

The snow leopard is equipped with thick fur (1-3 inches) to cope with the cold temperatures of the Central Asian mountains. Its spots serve as camoflauge while stalking sheep, deer, boar and rodents. This week, you can add other mammals to his list of prey, including Albino Rhino, Babirusa, and Snarkopotamus (past champions).
That's right, Snow Leopard a.k.a. Kim, has leaped up to the top of the standings, clawing through other people's brackets as he scaled the heights. In order to win the March Madness Pool Championship outright, he only needs one more game to go his way. If Duke beats West Virginia, Snow Leopard will be Top Mammal...and he will be donating the pool proceeds to a charity of his choice.

But let's not overlook the other competitors vying for the prize. There's Steve Liday, who boldly picked West Virginia to win it all...and then there's me, the Nonsensical Nutria - the unlikeliest victor in the March Madness mess. Steve needs West Virginia to win both Final Four games. I need West Virginia to win the first game, and then the Mountaineers need to lose to either Butler or Michigan State in the final.
So who does Fortune (or God or Allah) favor?
The person who's been dominating the field and leads by seven points (and picked Butler to reach the Final Four)?
The person who went out on a limb and chose a #2 seed to win the crown?
Or the person (moi) who is getting incredibly lucky?

Saturday's games will certainly be exciting.

...And now, let's check out the latest stop in "Where's The Chuckman's Bottle Opener?" Last time we checked in with the Wazzu opener, it was loitering in front of a Lenin statue in Moscow. As of Tuesday, it was hanging out in Land of the Rising Sun. You can tell the Cougar bottle opener is in Japan, because of the geishas, origami crane, and the Buddhist shrine. I know what you're thinking - that this is just a random collection of Asian knick-knacks, and that it's a staged photo. Well, I'm pretty insulted that you'd say that.
The good news is: I've heard that Charles' bottle opener is on its way back to America. Can't wait to see where it ends up next, and if it will return to the Chuckman's kitchen drawer in some sort of workable condition.