NeoSpeak

Parvez Sharma - A Jihad for Love

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 17:59:00 +0000

A Jihad For Love

A Jihad for Love is the world's first documentary film on the coexistence of Islam and homosexuality. The documentary, directed by Parvez Sharma over a span of 5 and half years, was filmed in 12 different countries and in nine languages. Sharma conducted interviews throughout North America, Europe, Africa, Asia and the Middle East. Countries included Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, Egypt, Bangladesh, Turkey, France, India, South Africa, the United States and the United Kingdom.

A Jihad for Love so far has received following honors:

Official Selection – Toronto Film Festival 2007
Official Selection – Berlin 2008
Best Documentary – Mix Brasil
Best Film – The Continental Film Festival India
Best Documentary – The Turin LGBT Film Festival

Parvez – An Introduction

Parvez Sharma, a muslim gay filmmaker was born and raised in India. For three years, Sharma worked as a broadcast journalist for the Star News Channel/NDTV, covering major assignments across the Indian subcontinent and specializing in investigative/human rights stories and political profiles. He worked as producer and/or editor for BBC World Television's Moneywise and IndiaTomorrow, Central Television (UK), The Discovery Channel (US), and the World Bank Film and Video Unit (US).

Parvez Sharma received his bachelor's degree in English Literature from Presidency College, University of Calcutta and three Masters degrees: Mass Communication (Film and Television) from India's premier MCRC, Jamia Millia Islamia University; Broadcast Journalism from the University of Wales College of Cardiff, UK; and Film and Video from American University's School of Communication. He has taught Indian film and other media courses at American University's Department of Anthropology and its School of Communication in Washington, DC.

In the nineties-Sharma was a print journalist for several prominent Indian newspapers including The Telegraph, The Statesman, The Economic Times, The Business Standard, and India Currents Magazine. While at the Statesman he reported on what was the first ever detailing of the lesbian experience within India for a national newspaper- Emerging from the Shadows (July 3, 1994) – which became a rallying point for lesbians around the country and was crucial in the formation of many lesbian organizations. As an activist he was instrumental in setting up the first organized LGBTQ effort in the eastern state of West Bengal, setting benchmarks for many other LGBT organizing efforts around the sub-continent. Parvez has spoken internationally on distinguished film/media panels and panels on issues crucial to LGBT communities in a South Asian and Muslim context. He was a featured speaker at Yale University Law School, at the Persistent Vision in San Francisco, The Open Society Institute in New York, The Center for Gay and Lesbian Studies in New York and at Amnesty International's Human Rights Conference – Global Pride, Global Action: Empowering the Spirit of Human Rights.

Below is an interview with Parvez which is available through youtube.

Part I

Part II

To put together this post, I have taken information from the wikipedia, Youtube, Parvez Sharma's official blog, and the Huffington Post.

You, Me and Bobby!!!

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Sat, 31 May 2008 07:14:00 +0000

This post was originally posted to a discussion thread in one of the man-2-man sites. The thread started when one of the members noticed Bobby Darling being interviewed on BBC and was referred to as a gay icon when it comes to gay, lesbian and transexual population in India. Here are a few of my thoughts that I shared within the discussion forum. I have added a more lines to the original post.

"Going through this thread I find it quite funny how convenient it is for us to reject someone who doesn't act our way or follows the same path as we do. Whether u like it or hate it, the fact remains that Bobby has the killer strength that most of us don't - to come out and live life on her own terms. Her terms are her terms... Fullstop. None of us has any right to comment on what she wears and how she conducts herself.

What is commendable about Bobby is her acceptance of what she is. She doesn't require your or my approval to lead her life. But you and me in one way or the other, try hard to gain acceptance. We hide what we are with friends, with family, with work colleagues. Nothing wrong about it, except for the fact that we don't have the courage to stand for ourselves, of who we are. And we love to swear by machoism, studliness and masculinity. We believe robust external apperance is what being a man is. The very essense of being a true man is about conviction, courage, truthfulness, taking ownership of your life and that of others. Alas!!! the essense died long back and we are stuck with the hard soul-less cage.

Thats where the twist comes to our lives. Those who cannot stand for themselves, can you expect them to stand for their love interests? We already have been escaping from the "big bad homophobic world" as we like to term it... And the slightest of itch gives us the reason to escape from people/ relationships rather than understanding and reconsiling them. We have learnt how to hide ourselves from issues and concerns rather than taking them head-on. We are nurturing an escapist within ourselves.

If courage, grit, straightforwardness, being truthful to oneself are one of the attributes of masculinity than I would refer to Bobby as a super-stud.

There are millions of us who ridiule Bobby every single day, yet she manages to live through it. She gives a damn of what u and I are thinking of her. Many of the much admired macho gays go banana when they come face to face with a difficult situation and succumb to all XYZ pressures and blame it to fate. Playing safe indeed!!! thats all we do all our life.

Its very easy to reject someone who doesn't fit our bill, doesn't fit the way we think, the way we act. The larger society has been apathetic to homosexuals because it doesn't want to come to terms with the fact that homosexuality exists... They simply decline it. Why? coz it doesn't fit within their limited understanding of lives. They tend to think life is all about the way they have been broughtup, what they have experienced, what they have gone through and there can be nothing beyond. And we homosexuals have this apathy towards other homosexual males with dominating female characteristics. Why such limited understanding??? Why do you want to be a pigeon who closes his eyes and thinks the cat has gone away??

Big question is, if you and me as a homosexual man cannot accept another homosexual, how do we expect the larger society to accept homosexuality???"

Let's have a logical look of being/not being an icon..

An icon is a symbolic representation of let's say a group, a belief or anything. From where do you choose an icon? Of course, from a set of people who are visible to the rest of the world. Bobby is visible to the rest of the world as an indian gay man. R u or I are visible to the rest of the world as gay? Sorry, we are discreet... No matter how much we shout or cry, it will remain within this thread and won't go out to the rest of the world.

We are only visible to each other on small virtual islands like g4m. The rest of the world hardly has as an idea about us. U have to appear on the surface to be taken into consideration by people. The irony is that an extremely small chunk of the iceberg is visible to the world and world is making its judgements/perceptions based on that small sample of indian gay men right visible to them. And we cannot blame it to anyone but us. The society will take a note of people/issues which are visible.

That's what BBC has done. Based on the gay men visible to the them, they have taken of Boddy to be the symbolic representation. That doesn't mean that the homosexual community in India is Bobby's clone. She represents the strength of those men/women who have suffered humiliation, double acts, possibly physical abuses as well just to be oneself.

If you feel that Bobby's depiction as a "gay icon" is an incorrect impression of indian gay men, please come out of your closet and be there on the open ground, face the humiliation, be a butt of joke for your straight friends, fight for your self-dignity everyday and let the world know what makes the real indian gay society."

That was it mates!!!

65 Minutes of Worthy Video!!!

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Sat, 17 May 2008 15:11:00 +0000

Be The One...

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Sat, 17 May 2008 09:47:00 +0000

Will you let me hold you hand?
Will you walk a mile with me?
In the sunshine, in the moonlight,
Through the by-lanes of our life…

It’s an amazing journey, and
a companion is all I need,
To walk the mighty land,
And explore the gift called life.

With pureness in your eyes,
You take me by surprise,
The fearless soul of yours,
Fuels dreams of my heart.

Your smile takes me high,
To a world ever so bright,
Where I cease to exist,
And be one with you.

Every moment spent with you,
Is a precious little gem,
With you by my side,
I will be the richest soul.

Be the vigor of my life,
Be my everlasting joy,
Be the one, be the just one,
Whom I love till I die.

Multiple Standards

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Thu, 15 May 2008 09:46:00 +0000

To be born in India in itself is an irony of sorts and to add flavors to it, if you are born as a homosexual, it’s a walk on a double sided sword. India is perhaps the most striking, unnerving and paradoxical country with an intriguing past, a tumultuous history, its enormous populace, and the growing economy which has resulted into a series of new mindsets, new opportunities, new adventures, and new set of believes.

There are two India’s – One that has arrived, which is relatively a much smaller proportion to the rest of still struggling India. But both India are so homogeneously amalgamated into one that it is almost impossible to discuss one India without taking into consideration the other.

I live and work in new India, that piece of country which is riding high on the new wave of globalization and new economy. New money is flowing in this India. With all its developments, the mindsets of people here have not seen any significant development. It’s true that physical transformation takes much lesser time to happen while changing mindset sometime takes generations. None of our parents, grandparents had ever seen or imagined an explosion of this magnitude – the opportunities, the trends, the lifestyles, the irregularities of lives. They were the quintessential babus in government jobs. They spent their whole lives saving pennies to build a small shelter for children and grand children when they retire. Circa 2008, consider this - We graduate from university at around 20-21, start working by the time we are 23-24 and move from a mere management trainee/sales executive/customer care executive to a manager within 5 years span, drive our own four wheeler at 27… Most of the ambitions our parents ever had, we have actually fulfilled most of them by the time we reach 27-28. We are hungry, really hungry!!! Our appetite is humungous. We need everything in the fast forward track. Fast bikes, fast cars, fast music, fast dates, fast sex, and fast love… This implies that our mindsets have seen a shift. Mindsets are changing fast but is it changing for good?

When in life are we going to be true to ourselves? I wonder if there is a way that my sexuality doesn’t come in way of my dealings with life, with people around me, with my friends, my neighbors. During one of the casual coffee chit-chats at work, the “Gay” topic popped up. It just so happened that one of our super bosses, a European, is homosexual and lives happily with his partner for 9 years. This information came through one of the communication channels through which each one of us share our personal and professional lives within our work group. I wondered as everyone leisurely kept aside the fact, that he is a successful man with a respectable career build with hard work, that he has huge responsibilities managing organization-wide projects. The only thought up in their minds was what would these two men do in bedroom? They possibly dance in women clothes!!! Lolzz! The thoughts are so stereotypical, thanks to our bollywood where a few “dahlings” are representing the whole homosexual society. I wish I could show them that the most “straight” looking man walking down the lane can be a gay too. I wish I could tell them that there are men ranging from politicians, IAS officers, businessmen, defense personnel, artists – are scouting for male partners/male to male sex on various sites.

I think I have an answer: Even if I am successful, sincere in my dealings in life like any other straight man, the day I openup to the world, I will become an ever lasting gossip and a butt of joke for their coffee table bantering. No matter, how good, bad or ugly their own personal lives are but we as Indians feed and thrive on negative energy generated through such gossips. We love thrashing others and be the guardian of our twisted and diminishing values.

I often wonder if for us as Indians, being double standard is just the way of life – ingrained in our minds through years of assimilation starting from childhood. These are small everyday incidents but when repeated over the years, they make us believe that we can get away with being double standard and slowly it becomes our way of life and an everyday affair. We have multiple standards for multiple people depending how are we related to that individual. Recently I did an experiment of sorts, which threw up interesting results that are quite amusing as well as insightful. I have been maintaining a profile on a few sites through which homosexual, bisexual and often so called straight men connect with other men. On one such site, which is the most popular site to connect to similar men, I created another profile, this time not adding my face-pics but those of my body. In my regular profile, I only have face pics and a few straight forward words. Quite interestingly and to my surprise, I received amazing response to the new profile from men I never expected from. These were the very men who had written some very good sensible stuff in their profiles, sounded very solemn and grounded and as I recognized, to a few I had initially tried to get in touch through my regular profile but did not receive any response. Hmmm, had I put these revealing pictures in my regular profile, I would have come across with most of them by now. Alas, I was a dumb-ass till now!!! Another insight for me – Body matters more than the person you are… Sex sells like no other stuff!!

A friend like you!!!

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Thu, 01 May 2008 13:51:00 +0000

The dream met its demise today,
Air shattered into thousand pieces,
Each piercing through me as I stand numb.
Noises echo, thunders blow,
Memories cry and cry my soul.

Not the heart that aches,
But bleeds my very trust,
What remains is a hollow pipe dream.
And an endless wait for you.

Our laughter shall echo through my ears,
Our bickering shall be my fond memories,
Our togetherness shall be my peace,
To remind me of the wonderful days.

An act of anger killed all love,
An act of hurried thoughts,
Swallowed all brotherhood.
The scourge shall linger all life,
But not a bit of hatred for you.

I hope of you coming back soon,
To celebrate our wins,
To share our aches,
To be friends the way we were.
Just to say,
Buddy, I do miss you!!!

Tommy!! This is for you buddy - for our friendship and brotherhood. We exchanged some hard words and in most probability we shall do it in future as well. I wrote these lines in moments when I thought that possibly we will not see each other again. I am so glad we both are back as friends without any broken thread. After four months, am posting it to my blog coz it will be a fond memory for us to come back and see what all we did in the past.

An evening worth a million hours!

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 09:29:00 +0000

We lie there under vast open sky,
Your head resting on my arm,
your hand on my chest,
I feel your breathe and heartbeats,
and the koohoo of a distant bird,
the messenger of gentle breeze...

Looking at the sky,
I ask myself,was an evening ever so beautiful?
The moon is on the wax,
playing hide-n-seek with a white cluster of clouds.
And here we are lying next to each other,
lost in a world of tranqulity, and mystique.
It's like revisiting a lost world...
The gentle wind blows through the rocky terrain,
snuggling us in a carpet of unexplicable charm.

Time stands still there,
as we talk of childhood, adolescence and youth,
your love, the pain and some unanswered questions.
I feel that evening I found something,
something really precious missing for years,
I felt content, fulfilled... A shackle broken.
There are men and there are a few gentlemen,
I met one gentleman that day.

We lie there on a rock,
far away from the crowd,
Its so calm, so relaxed.
I wish I could tell you in words,
how it feels being with you.
My piece of sky was never so big.
The full moon is the witness of that ethereal experince,
An evening worth a million hours!

Let me hold it all in my arms,
sieze the moment deep witnin.
The moment, the words, the breathe and you.
I won't let it slip through the memory lanes,
and become one of the stories to tell.
I will relive that moment every day,
When I will think of you,
I will feel you right here,
Right here in my arms!

Spiral of thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 17:23:00 +0000

Hey blog,

It has been quite some time since I last updated you with my queer thoughts. Wonder if these are queer thoughts at all. Why is that I address these thoughts as queer in the first place? Do I wish being queer to be my identity or belong to a larger group and society? Why is that I don’t find an echo of my thoughts quite so often? It’s been long since I heard a resonating voice around me. A voice that may balm me, say “I listen to what you said and I agree.” Why is that I end up being in silence n turmoil while most queer men around me are perhaps content being the way they are? Are these men really content with the million threads interwoven into a bizarre pattern called life?

It’s a complex equation with n number of variables at play and z number of results, given the vastly differentiated set of our social fabric. Life is intriguing, sometimes funny, a few times painful, and mostly unpredictable. These 3 words define my set of experiences and that’s how I look at life at present. Two years down the line I will look back at these words and would like to say, “Life is what you want to make it…”. So my life is under construction at the moment.

Then Am Not Gay

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Wed, 02 May 2007 17:47:00 +0000

The eccentricity n lecherous life,
The loner’s heart…
The restless n fugitive eyes,

The hollow soul n fleeting friends,
The lost faith…
The vicious mistrust,
The endless search,

The camouflaged characters and the deliberate love,
The pointless bickering…
Broken promises,
The bitter tongues and the reckless ego,

God, I feel like puking…

If this is what being gay is about… !!
Then am sorry, I am not gay.
I am just a man.

The Fallen Leaves

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 18:22:00 +0000

It’s been more than six months since I last posted on the blog. Initially I was required at home and later I found myself entangled in a lot of threads. I hit the pubs and came across a few more men through RJ. Every interaction with these men brought me a lot of uneasiness. There was this whole world created through words and imaginary self imposed characters and I was there in between all of them –like Alice in Wonderland – trying to figure out what’s happening? RJ and I met through one of the gay personal websites. He introduced me to the small circle of his friends.

One of them was Saahil, and soon we found that we work with the same organization. Saahil just had a break up with his boyfriend for four years - Kamal - and was going through the trauma of settling down with the vacuum created by the absence of Kamal. Saahil wanted his love to be back but perhaps this was not the intension of Kamal. The roots of the breakup were there in infidelity. Though technically both men were together for almost four years but individually they both have been enjoying physical intimacy with other men as well. The frequency was high for Kamal and as per Saahil; he too was going out with other men because Kamal was doing it as well. There had been high pitched arguments between the two around the question of infidelity. Saahil was honest to admit whatever he did but most of the times Kamal didn’t admit his sexual escapades and reluctantly admitted a few of the sexual intimacies. Saahil heard a lot about Kamal’s infidelity through their common friends. And perhaps, after being together for a good time, you invariably understand the tone, body language and signs – which clearly point out that something is hidden somewhere. There were more arguments, squabbles, and fights around the issue. A major fight broke out on Kamal’s birthday. He was abusive, uncontrollable in an inebriated state. He broke bottles, fought with friends, tore off clothes, and abused everyone at the party. Perhaps that accident was the last nail in the coffin and the relationship died then and there in front of several pair of eyes.

Every now and then Saahil and Kamal pop up in my mind and I try to figure out an answer as elusive to me as it is to others. What makes a relationship tick? What makes it keep going for years to count? What is central in a relationship: sex, love or something more than that? If it is sex, then perhaps a relationship will be as long as the partners find each other novel and interesting. The day there enters another man with more wilderness and novelty, the decay of the relationship begins. Is love the cornerstone of a successful relationship? There are two facts about love – it happens by itself and no amount of romantic drives, cozy dinners, gifts can induce love in someone’s heart. You fall for a person, for his traits and not for the dinners, drives and gifts. There is another truth about love. It’s dangerous… You do not know what trait of a man strikes the cord in your heart and all other aspects of the person become trivia. And if the love interest has more negative traits than positive ones, then the relationship becomes a double edged sword. On one side is this affection to the man and then there are a few other aspects of his personality which you are uncomfortable about.

I believe there is a third dimension to a relationship apart from love and sex – Respect. You might share a highly invigorating time in bed but you also want to feel great about your partner beyond the bed. You want look at him and say proudly that yes, this is the person I want to build a meaningful life with. You want to like your partner for what he is and what he wants to be. You want your partner to stand tall in your eyes. You might like and respect the fact that your partner takes pain to strike a balance between his professional life and personal commitments. You might like and respect him for his varied interests in life beyond the usual ones – partying, clubbing, dancing, and shopping. You might like and respect him for his dedication to a certain cause. You want to feel great to introduce your partner to your friends and may be family as well. When you respect each other, you also respect the individual characteristics that distinguish both of you. Mutual respect – to a greater extent - also checks you from wandering off to other men. Invariably you tend to compare your partner with other men and when you find your partner has more positives than this other fellow whom you just met accidentally or purposefully, you soak in the pride of having a great person in your life and feel yourself lucky. Perhaps, lack of respect for each other was one reason for the decay of Saahil and Kamal’s four year long relationship. Is it a triangle with love, mutual respect and a good intimate life on its three sides which needs to be balanced for building a beautiful, meaningful relationship? Let me know what you think about it.

Nuts about Sex

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Sat, 14 Oct 2006 05:00:00 +0000

I posted this in a forum on one of the portals where guys were talking about "Why gay men are nuts about sex?"

A man is a man whether hetrosexual or homosexual. By nature man tends to explore, exploit and try new avenues, new opportunities more enthusiastically as compared to a woman. Call it naturalization over a period of centuries or blame it to genes. Coming back to the notion that homosexual men are more voluptuous than hetrosexual men, I consider that its not true. My belief is that a hetrosexual man is equally as voluptuous as a homosexual.

When a hetro man comes across a woman, he can not ask the woman for a sexual encounter on the very first time. By nature women are patient, not as voluptuous as men and they search for protection, love and care from men. Hence a hetro man needs to be more patient and thoughtful in his dealing with a woman. Though the equation is changing rapidly with the changing world. But when a homosexual man comes across another homosexual man, he doesnt need to be patient and win the trust of the man, since he is dealing with a man and not a woman. They both are men and can express their desires more explicitly to each other.

Humans want to feel protected, loved, desired and cared and lack of these feelings make us feel insecure. Hetrosexual man and woman can express these feelings publicly without thinking if others are are taking a note or not since it is socially accepted. They can hug, kiss and hold hands in public and make their partners feel comfortable and desired. A gay man also desires the same coz the feelings are the same but he cannot express in public. Most of the times a gay man doesn't want a sexual encounter at all. All he wants to feel another person, get close, sit together and be cosy. Lack of acceptance for expression of love and affection causes insecurity. Hetro man enjoys the acceptance hence he isn't insecure inside.

Second reason is the non-exceptance of homosexuality in society. Gays cannot meet and talk about homosexuality, relationships in a public forums. They cannot holds hands, feel the warmth or show their affection in public. A gay man cannot kiss his boy-friend on lips on his birthday party. A man kissing a man on lips is a social taboo. There are hundreds of such instances and day to day life compulsions. They are forced to go behind closed doors to express their feelings, pain, desires and affection. Absence of natural vents to emote and express oneself builds a strong urge inside and any meeting with a homosexual man brings an opportunity to vent out the strong urge to feel a man, his body which invariably ends into a sexual encounter.

Third is the lack of community feeling - homosexual men are split in small groups. There is a lack of wise, mentally mature men who have the drive to act as mentors. Who can act as community leaders and coming out with events and social get togethers. Here, I am not talking about the gay parties but social events: a weekend trip to a nearby location, trekking, creative forums which will build a community feeling and bring gays together. Events which are more than an instrument to know more new faces and one night stands. To make a way into the society, we will have to act as socially responsible individuals, there is no other way out for social acceptance.

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes...

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Sun, 08 Oct 2006 06:34:00 +0000

I met A on May 31, 2004 on a hot, dry and sultry evening exactly at 5pm near Saket in Delhi. We came across each other through one of the forums most commonly used by men like A and me. We had been talking to each other over the phone for the past one week or so. The first thing that I liked about him was his baritone voice. He had always been full of fun and laughter over the phone. I was looking forward to meet him. Initially as it generaly happens, he introduced himself with a different name. The hesitance, doubts and perhaps some fear associated meeting men online had been the cause. I was 23 then and he was almost 7 years elder to me, working as a fashion designer. I am definitely not the phone guy. Cant talk over the phone for more than five minutes. I would convey what I want to and then say good bye. But, when he wud call, we would be talking for long, almost 20 to 30 minutes and that was pretty long for me. I still remember one night we talked for almost one hour and I was surprised at myself. And all this while we really didnt talk anything about each other. All we did was laughing on his silly jokes and puns. He would crack jokes on himself, his nose, his attire and his car and I would keep smiling and laughing.

So we met as planned. That was a sunday evening and we drove towards Gurgaon. After exchanging initial greetings we started talking about work, life and life in general. He was confident, articulate, intelligent, fun, warm, with a crazy knack for cracking jokes. It was real hard parking the car in the parking lot near City Center on a sunday evening in Gurgaon. And i couldnt find a single line of slightest of worry or anger. He kept cracking one liners on the people around and the parking lot guys. He was definitely a great amuser.

:P

While sitting at one of the eating joints, we talked about the grey part of our lives which for both of us was something very intimate and somehow we both shared it with each other. He was the first man I met with whom i talked so closely about my past life. Each of our lives is full of different shades of colors. Some are vibrant hues of good times while the others are the darker ones which we really dont want to share with every one but a very close few. That evening we spent 5 hours together and I must admit, I had developed a soft corner for him on that very day. We departed around 10 something in the night. On my way back home I sms him saying it was a real pleasure meeting him and the reply I received was really surprising.

And so we began talking over the phone. We both had pretty busy schedule, his was more hectic then mine. I had been working with a BPO for the past one year and thankfully I didnt have to burn the midnight oil. I was enjoying my work and it was great working with a bunch of cool interesting people at work. But now I had another reason for being happier. A was a busy guy, working 9 to 6 and then spending another 2 hours in the gym, then taking some time out for family. Most of our conversations happend only after I reached back home at midnight. And I was surprised to see how I am able to talk for more than an hour every night which had never been the case before.

I was falling in love with this man. I would be thinking about him and smiling my way while working and started making the most stupid of mistakes which reflected in the performance report of June. To say in a nutshell, he was all over me. One night, I came back from home and the moment I entered my room, A called up asking if I reached home. When I said yes, he asked me if I was wearing a black trousers and a blue shirt. I thought he must have seen me on my way to office or while coming back. The he laughed and said that I am too lost in my own world that I didnt even notice a smart man waiting for me two meters away from me while i was striding towards my room. He was so true. I had always been in my won world of thoughts, less concerned about the world immediate next to me. I never in my thoughts imagined that he would come to see me at that point of time. That night he took me to his home and showed me the recordings of his shows and work. I had always been curious about designs, clothes, architecture and interiors. He would tell me the small little things of designing, different kind of clothes, texture, prices, and places to hunt for the right stuff. Needless to say we shared some intimates moments as well.

Video Clip

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Mon, 02 Oct 2006 17:28:00 +0000

Came across a video clip on google video.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-664831100536363106&q=gay

Today, I wish...

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 05:58:00 +0000

Today, I want to walk with someone
Today, I want to touch someone
Today, I want to hold someone
Today, I want to kiss someone

One
who hasn't lost himself
his faith
his spirit
his warmth
his sensitivity
his courage
his soul
imitating the crowd

One
who has the courage
to fail
to love
to cry
to stand up
to shout
when the going gets tough

A man who can
walk with a pauper
eat a loaf of bread
sleep under the stars
play with the street children
give a stranger a helping hand
without loathe

Just a man with in the simplest of sense

Role Models Required!!!

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Sun, 24 Sep 2006 19:27:00 +0000

"Out" is the term used to distinguish men who decided to reveal their sexual orientation to family and friends. There are a number of factors affecting the decision taken by a man to be "out" to the society. The most important is the belief in self and being comfortable with his sexuality. Being self reliant is another factor which affects the decision. Ask me, I am still not "out" to my family, though a couple of my friends are aware of my orientation. Why I am not "out" to my family? Because I know that my family will not be able to understand the fact that being gay is not un-natural. I can’t see the future but I understand that a couple of years after my revelation are not going to be good. So will I ever reveal my sexuality to my parents? I will try not to. Because I don’t want to put them through mental trauma at this age. But that does not translate into that I will give in to marry to a lady. I have been a rebel all my life. So they understand that if I am determined not to marry, I will not.

I don’t believe in wearing the gay badge on my chest. Sexual orientation is one facet of my personality and it does not define my personality. My sexuality or for that matter any individual’s sexual orientation is a private matter and what one does behind the closed doors need not to be discussed in public. So what’s the need for me or for other homosexual men to declare to the world about their sexuality? The revelation should be limited to close friends who are evolved enough to understand that being homosexual in orientation is natural and normal.

There is a strong need to reveal our sexual orientation. So that when we find out love interest, we can confidentaly bring it out to our friends with straight orientation. So that we can sit with ease in a pub on any given day and can share good laugh with other friends without bothering about what are we discussing. So that we don't manipulate every second sentence we say about our personal lives. So that we can have a social life. So that we dont have to fight with our conscience all our lives. So that we don't lead a dual life. So that being homosexual is not considered as a stigma at least.

Bobby Darling is a good example to cite here. Bobby belongs to that small percentage of people – irrespective of sexuality - who love to live life in the flamboyant style. I respect his boldness but he is a man with little brains and uses his flashy ways to portrait homosexual men in India which is completely an untrue / incomplete picture. Homosexuals are being typecast as feminine in their conduct and behaviour. Men who are selfish, morally corrupt men always involved in sexual pleasures, men with no social accountability leading an aimless life. This is an incomplete picture. The facts are true but can not represent the gay society in India as a whole. What is true is that there is a small fraction of homosexual men who lead an aimless life, they do not have moral values, they are selfish but isn’t that true in case of straight men as well. Rapes, robberies, murders, criminal cases represent this faction of society irrespective of sexual orientation. Using these statements as a tool against homosexuality is what causing the damage.

What is hidden is that faction of homosexual men who have decided to remain behind the closed doors. Men who have reached the top echelons in their careers. Men who have made a mark in the society through their social accountability and who have done distinguished work in their respective fields of work. These are the men who should come out to the society and become the role models for other homosexual men. The homosexual society in India is lacking role models and the flamboyant men from fashion fraternity, page three crowds, socialite circle and other media are being copied and copied and copied…

I have come across men who have been instrumental bringing key changes in their respective fields. Homosexual men are in Government services till the level of civil servants. Homosexual men are across industries from entry level executives to the CEOs, CFOs, and partners. These men have been living a dual life all through out. The higher they reached in their careers, the more they gained trust, respect and created a place for themselves where their voices are being heard. Well, it’s a matter of personal choice, as I said earlier, why I should shout about my sexuality considering it is my personal affair. Somewhere this mindset needs to be changed. ..

What's your take on it?

Parallel Planes of Life

noreply@blogger.com (i_Speak) — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 09:06:00 +0000

I have been fiddling with the idea to chronicle my experiences of past twenty five years since I have been walking on this earth. My first thoughts of penning down my life cropped up when I left my town the third time. The first time I left home was to work as a Medical Representative and I returned home on the 33rd day with a pay cheque of rupees 2800. Second time I left home was when I was crippled with a lot of un-fateful, dramatic events happening in life. All these events happened one after the other, as they say – it never rains but pours. I had exhausted all my energy to fight back, I needed a rescue and the best possible option I could think of at that point of time was to leave the place I was living in (not my home) for good. I returned back after three months. Somehow the candle in the wind was still fluttering and the fait in self had survived.

To make life more eventful or say spicy (for some) or as I say insightful is the fact that I am a homosexual man born in India. Now, that is not something astonishing or revealing. There are millions of others in this nation with similar orientation. I used the word insightful since we men experience what the society of straight men and women does not. Every day we go through a bull fight played on the grounds of our minds. Irrespective of gender and orientation, we all wish to create a space in society, a place of our own i.e. social acceptance. We want people around us to look at us with dignity, our voices are heard and some of us also wish to make a positive impact on society.

Now coming back to the lives of homosexual men in India, most of us are born in closed limits of acceptance. That is, our parents, relatives, neighbours and community all together have formed an invisible, unspoken limit of actions, deeds and behaviour of conduct. The extent of limits depends on the socio economic background of each of us. Some of the fortunate ones are born in families with more acceptance and resilience. These families or the cluster of families scattered around the cities have been the forerunners of changes in society. They were exposed to latest thought ware and experienced the changes as they happened. So men with homosexual orientation born in such families, realize their orientation at an early age due to exposure to media (print, online and television), talks at home, schools and liberal social forums. If you look around, you will find that in these fore runner families have accepted their children with homosexual orientation.

Another cluster of homosexual men are those who have been born in the lower and upper middle class (as they say) of society. You will find the most of the most fortunate and most unfortunate homosexual men in middle class. An example will explain: I met a banker two months back - a man in late twenties - married for more than two years. He opted for this posting hundreds of miles away from his home town just to escape facing his wife. Born and brought in the capital of one of the northern states of India. Belonged to the middle of the middle-class. His father retired as a manager of nationalized bank. The thrust was always on studies and achieving something which his father could not achieve. It was very obvious from his demeanour that he has always been the most obedient child to his parents. Parents wanted him to be an engineer - he did. Parents wanted him to get a management degree – he did. Parents wanted him to get marry – he did. The soul now manages millions worth of fund for investors, but could not manage his life. He didn’t have the courage to stand against marriage. What reason to give for not getting married? Fear of losing family support, alienation from relatives, stinking remarks, and above all the so called stigma from society of being a gay man stopped him to declare the truth to his family. There are hundreds of thousands of men around like this banker, even some of you reading this blog.