Nerdy, Dirty & Curvy!

Sex? As a matter of fact I do enjoy it!

2012-03-01T05:59:00.000-05:00

And since when is that something that should be questioned?

Tonight duing my free chat session with my guys over on Myfreecams.com, a few new guys were checking out my info here and admist the flurry ( I exxagerate, it's more like trickle) of questions bombarding me in the public chat, one in particular caught my eye:

"Why do you like sex so much?"

And all I could think of was:

'Why the Fuck Not?'

Luckily I had a few like minded chatters in my room along with very loyal client and fan in the room to back me up. While the question may have been an innocent and a good-natured probe into my sexuality, and many of you know how much I love a good probing, the question still struck me as odd. I mean:

Is it odd for someone to enjoy sex as much as I do?
Is it odd for others to not enjoy sex as much as I do?
Do I seem like some kind of sex-crazed nymph that's got to have it when she wants it and how she wants it?

and if so

Why is this surprising?

Once I had coaxed as many a load of cum from as many a hard prick as I could that night I gave the thought some fair consideration and I've come to the following conclusions:

There is nothing odd with enjoying sex as much as I do or more:

Think Quagmire, he may be a horrible person with questionable morals but there isn't a thing wrong with him enjoying sex as much as he dos; his problem is the way in which he obtains it. And really, who doesn't have questionable morals nowadays?

There is not a damn thing wrong with not enjoying sex as much as I do:

I don't have a clever pop culture reference to compare this too but that's mostly cause most people enjoy sex, am I right? I mean even A-Sexual people enjoy sex, they just don't long for it or require it as much as others do.

I think I do sometimes come off as a sex crazy nymph that has to have it when I want it and how I want it.

And that's a good thing. Cause its true. I just have to work on making sure I always come off as a sex crazed nymph who has to have it when I want it and how I want it. Giggidy.

And ultimately, Why is this surprising?

Well, you tell me!

Why IS it so surprising to find a young, intelligent, nerdy girl who certainly knows how to have a good time and enjoys the pleasures of sex in a free and open mindset?

Please share your opinions!

Sex Workers Are Human Beings Too! - Poster Campaign

2012-02-27T05:06:00.001-05:00

This might be old news to many but the Turn off the Blue Light, an Irish Organization, is a small sex worked led association of sex workers and others who care about the welfare of sex workers in Ireland. They are campaigning against calls to criminalize the purchase of sex, and for the health, safety, human, civil and labor rights of sex workers.

The poster campaign has been designed to challenge the Irish public’s perception of sex workers, to get away from the overly negative or positive images of sex work that are so often seen, and instead show a more balanced, realistic view.

Read More About it Here >>

Dirty Post - How To Guide: Blowjobs

2012-02-23T05:26:00.002-05:00

Image Courtesy of WarNet.Ws

If you simply wanted to get a guy off as quickly as possible, all you need to do is lock your lips at the base of his cock and suction them up and down the bottom ¾ of his shaft at a quick, steady pace while pressing your flattened tongue against the underside of his dick. Make sure you are applying pressure with both your lips AND tongue.

Keeping your tongue engaged at all times is key. I try to keep mine moving at all times. This is how you get 90% of guys off. It helps me keep from gagging to hold his cock steady at the base and bring my lips down to meet my fingers. You can do this very slowly for a more intense feeling, but make sure you move at a steady rhythm. Some guys like it faster or slower; you may have to ask, or more likely, he’ll tell you.

This is your power move, the one that is actually going to bring him to orgasm. A true hooker blowjob needs only this one move; if scientists were to create a blowjob machine, this is what it would do. The other moves I’m going to teach you are artistic flourishes; you use them to add flair and style to your blowjob or to slow down the action a little.

SALIVA
Don’t be afraid to just slobber all over his love muscle. It should be as wet and sloppy as possible, especially during your power move. A good blowjob makes loud, gross suction-y noises. When I’m done, I’m usually covered in my own drool and leave a wet spot on the bed.

USING YOUR HANDS
If his dick is too big for you to take the whole thing in your mouth, you’ll need to use your hand too.
Slobber all over his cock for awhile first so your hand will slide easily up and down instead of just catching on his dry skin. The most important hand move is the twister. When you slide your hand up his shaft, twist your wrist. A twisting motion gets you into a smoother rhythm than the straight up and down. Slide your hand up and down on the base of his cock in conjunction with your mouth moving up and down on the rest of it. The hard part is finding the correct grip: again you may want his guidance.

Another good trick is to wrap your hand around the top of his cock and put your mouth over your hand. Then slide your hand down the shaft and your mouth down on top of it in a fluid motion until your hand meets the base of his cock. It will feel like you’re sliding your mouth all the way down him even if you can’t. It’s times like these I wish I could draw; I’d make little diagrams.

THE BALLS
I usually start out by paying some attention to the balls. There are three basic ball moves: you can put them in your mouth and suck them (LIGHTLY), lick them with a flattened cow tongue, or tense your tongue into a point and run the tip of your tongue all over them. I alternate between all three. Sometimes I lift them up and lick underneath his balls.

Also, if you cup them while you are entering the home stretch, you’ll be able to tell he’s about to cum as they get higher and tighter.

THE HEAD
My next move is usually to give his shaft several long licks from base to tip. This is the ice cream cone move; it looks sexy, it’s a nice touch, but it’s not going to make anybody cum. While conducting the power move, I come up from time to time to give the head a little attention: sucking on it, moving my tongue in a circle around it, and flicking my tongue over that spot on the underside that all the sex websites tell you is el sensitivo. In my experience, guys don’t really go that wild over attention to that spot, but these are just flourishes anyway.

I tend to get a bit wrapped up in my work that I forget to make eye contact, so head action is a great time to look up at him with puppy dog eyes and his cock in your mouth.

FACE SLAPPING
I mentioned this in my tips to get him to cum faster, but at least once during the beej, I usually pop his dick out of my mouth and slap it against my tongue or face, then look at him while I rub his cock against my cheeks and lips. Guys are visual, this is just a little something dirty for him to look at.

DEEP THROAT
I can’t really teach you how to deep throat, that’s between you and your gag reflex. The important thing, I think, is to make an effort to take him in as deep as you can, even if it’s only for a few seconds. It’s hard to explain exactly how I do this: try concentrating on relaxing your throat and jaw. As I mentioned before, it helps me to steady his cock with my hand when I go deep, and breathing in instead of just holding your breath also helps abate that “gonna puke” feeling.

THE BIG FINALE
When you’re ready to finish him off, go into the power move and don’t vary your pace for anything. If you’re cupping his balls, you’ll often be able to tell when he’s about to cum as they tighten up. I speed up a little bit at the end, and when I feel him start to come I push my head down as deep as it will go and suck slowly and intensely at the base, letting his cum just shoot down my throat (if I’m not working and there’s no condom).
(Source: theladies-room.tumblr.com)

Ask Me Questions!

2012-02-23T05:16:00.000-05:00

Click the photo to ask me any of these questions or one of your own!

Sex Worker Problems: Day Jobs

2012-02-04T22:21:00.000-05:00

Image via sexworkerproblems.tumblr.com

This is so accurate at the moment.

My loyal fans know that I LOVE fucking around on cam and making content for my customers. But this mother. fucking. day job. is killing me and my free time! I find my self at work constantly wishing I was just naked and getting off to you getting off to me.

Add to that the frustrations of going to college! I barely sleep lately between algebra homework, English papers and hauling my ass back and forth to class, but there is good news my friends! My hours at work should stabilize / drop soon and come summer time I won't even be working. Again; I have a love/hate relationship with seasonal employment but we can discuss that later.

Soooooo, in the coming weeks we will see:

more twitter activity
more cam shows
possibly reaccepting orders for private videos

And in the coming months:

Waaaay more cam shows
Honest to god videos for sale via Extralunchmoney.com
A much easier way to commision custom videos
More availability on Yahoo messenger and Skype for friendly non cyber sex chat

In the meantime, if you honestly feel you miss me more than you can stand and would like to schedule an appointment with me for a live cam show just email me @ ms.Illustrious@ymail.com.

Nerd Post: 6 Myths Everyone Believes about Space (Thanks to Movies)

2012-01-25T00:56:00.001-05:00

Jesse Clark, Pete Griffin January 24, 2012

Our knowledge of outer space is a lot like our knowledge of history -- it's really hard to separate what we know from research from what we picked up from movies. In both cases, this means that a lot of our everyday knowledge about space is just laughably wrong.

Yep, it's not enough for space to make us feel small -- it needs to make us feel stupid, too.

#6. Asteroid Belts Are Deadly

Getty

Remember how in The Empire Strikes Back the temporarily hyperdriveless Han Solo had to navigate through a chaotic asteroid field in an attempt to evade the Empire? The damn things were packed so closely, not even the tiny TIE fighters could sweep between them without getting squished by colliding hunks of stone. And those asteroid fields were everywhere -- inAttack of the Clones, Obi-Wan winds up in the exact same predicament, swerving and dodging as huge space rocks miss his ship by inches.

Also missed: Plot, urgency, the existence of Boba Fett without a stupid back story.

But that's just the way asteroid belts are, right? As C-3PO will tell you, the chances of successfully navigating an asteroid field are slim to none. It's basically a stampede, only instead of pissed-off cows, you're facing millions of huge murderous space boulders.

The Reality:

Here's a pic of the asteroid belt in our solar system. It kind of looks just like the one from Star Wars:

Wikipedia
Although it could really use a couple of extra Dewbacks. We'll take care of that in editing.

And there are loads of asteroids in that belt, true enough -- it features about half a million asteroids that we know of. However, there are also lots and lots of miles for them to cross. Lots and lots. To the point that when NASA had to send a probe through it, their scientists said the odds of colliding with an asteroid were one in a billion. So basically Han could have blindfolded himself and steered through our asteroid belt with his dick, secure in the knowledge that the odds of hitting an asteroid in the middle of an asteroid belt aren't a whole lot higher than the odds of you hitting one while driving your car to the grocery store.

That sounds crazy looking at the picture up there, but no picture of space really conveys the distances. For instance, once upon a time, our asteroid belt had way more asteroids in it (about a thousand times more, in fact). Even if Han had to fly through that density of asteroids, he'd find that each asteroid has a mind-boggling 400,000 square miles to itself.

Wikipedia
It's empty. That's why it's called space.

You could argue that maybe in the particular galaxy Star Wars takes place in they for some reason have superdense asteroid belts, but that's actually impossible -- the whole problem is that over time, the asteroids will disperse. If they were as close as the Star Wars belt, for instance, each time an asteroid bumped into another, they would go flying off into outer space, with nothing to stop them.

This means that actually getting hit by an asteroid in an asteroid belt is less a matter of not paying attention and more a matter of veering off course by a good couple of million miles. And actively trying to find an asteroid. And then somehow intercepting it at the perfect time, with the perfect velocity and the accurate trajectory. You'd need a hell of a space pilot with a hell of a death wish.

And a tolerance for giant space cocks.

#5. Black Holes Are Cosmic Vacuum Cleaners

Wikipedia

Of all the horrible space things out there, black holes are probably the best proof that the universe really hates us. They're invisible, they're ominous, they're huge and they hoover everything within light years into their incomprehensible void.

NASA
But enough about your scary demon ghost-mom. She cleans up good.

Because of this tendency to hose up everything in their vicinity, black holes are pretty much contractually obligated to appear in every sci-fi epic worth its salt. From the planet-Vulcan-destroying black hole in J.J. Abrams' Star Trek to the ones in Stargate SG-1 and Doctor Who, the black hole is consistently portrayed as an inescapable vortex of destruction, slurping at our universe through a straw.

It's like a million nerds cried out in horror and were suddenly reminded that this is a Star Wars quote.

The Reality:

Let's imagine you woke up tomorrow and found that somebody had replaced our sun with a black hole. And say the black hole is the same mass as our sun. What would happen?

Nothing, that's what.

OK, we'd all freeze to death because the sun is gone. There is that. But we certainly wouldn't get sucked in -- or even slowly fall in, flailing our hands comically.

Wikipedia
"My only regret is not capturing this image for my desktop wallpaperrrrrrr!"

While black holes are certainly frightening, they're not nearly as powerful as most people think. We forget that, as big as they are, they still have mass. This means that no matter how big and absurdly strong they might seem, they also have finite strength.

In other words, a black hole is just like every other object in the universe, in that its gravitational pull can only be as powerful as its mass allows it to be. If it's the mass of the sun, its pull is the same as the sun's. No more, no less. Physics is a thing even black holes have to obey. There is no special mechanism that makes it suck things in beyond regular ol' gravity, and gravity has to obey the same rules as everything else.

Wikipedia
And that means no loitering, asshole.

Say what you want about the universe, that last sentence makes us feel a bit better about it. It's comforting to know that even something that can drag time itself into the drain has to play by house rules.

Nerd Post: NDC Goes on Strike in Protest of #SOPA

2012-01-18T23:36:00.000-05:00

Ms.Illustrious planned on participating in the Internet Censorship Blackout protesting the Censorship bill known as SOPA and PIPA, which if passed, will not only limit the availability of content on the internet but endangers users freedom of speech. Unfortunately the javascript and html coding never parsed correctly, so instead of blacking out I am reposting in an effort to spread the word and the severity of this issue! Please participate, contact your local politicians and spread the word!

On Jan 24th, Congress will vote to pass internet censorship in the Senate, even though the vast majority of Americans are opposed. We need to kill the bill - PIPA in the Senate and SOPA in the House - to protect our rights to free speech, privacy, and prosperity. We need internet companies to follow Reddit's lead and stand up for the web, as we internet users are doing every day.

Sites Going On Strike (Heroes!):

Urge the biggest sites to join the strike. Sign the Petition.

Want to Participate? Add your site to the list, and spread the word.

Nerd Post: Fav Female TV Character - Kelly Bailey

2012-01-15T17:54:00.000-05:00

Top TV Characters | #25. Kelly Bailey - Misfits

OH, Kelly...How I fookin luv yah!

"Misfits follows five early-20s delinquents on community service in Wertham (a fictional borough in London), who are caught outside during a supernatural thunder storm and acquire special powers. Initially the show focused on five young adults, Kelly (Lauren Socha), who gains the ability to hear the thoughts of others." - Wiki

The other four? Curtis, Alisha, Simon, and Nathan; you'll have to find out on your own - I'm not gonna ruin the fun for you.

I strongly recommend watching this show if you love raunchy humor, strange super powers, time travel, Zombies, Nazis, and a healthy dash of Sex.

Pro-Tip: you're gonna need to closed caption this bad boy, miss Kelly here doesn't make understanding the dialog for non UK-English speakers easy at first, but after a while everyone starts to make sense for once.

I, for one, can't stop thinking 'British' for at least an hour or more after watching an episode.

Dirty Post: Anal Sex

2012-01-13T04:30:00.000-05:00

Have you gone so long without something specific that the sheer thought of it kinda starts driving you insane. Like all the damn time?

Well you see this?

Yeah...Damn, Right?

Constantly thinking bout some sweet, sweet anal play. I've had a naughty video up in the queue as unpaid and I think as soon as I get my ass back to finishing my last private video project, I will go ahead an film that anal video just to tease you all with the fact that it'll finally and actually exist...

<3 Ms. Ill

Nerd Post: It's Never Enough

2012-01-04T01:25:00.000-05:00

If you're like me, you're a huge Buffy the Vampre Slayer fan. And if you're like me you know that even though the tv series is now dead and in syndication limbo, the continuing comic book series is good at scratching that itch... But it's just never enough...

I just got the Buffy Season 8 Volume 2: No World For You on Christmas Day.

My excitement level? As high as I am right now - wicked stoned. Problem is, as well written as the comics are, well illustrated and how highly it adheres to canon - no matter how slow I can manage to read these, I'm done in less time then it takes for Willow to flay a man alive.

I also got Volume 1 of Angel: After the Fall.

I'm equally stoked to get into reading this bad boy. Cause the 14 year old in me still gets gooey at the site of David Boreanaz - even in cartoon form. I'm at least a chapter or so into this one and the narrative is a bit confusing. Mostly cause of the Z formation the panels take on, I sometimes read ahead or read the wrong blurb first but otherwise I'm looking forward into finishing this one too. Luckily it'll take much longer to get through since it reads much slower.

Also, Spike....

Hmmmmm, Spike....

And if you're not like me, and have no idea what I'm talking about then we can never be friends. Ever.

A Stoner's Thank You

2012-01-02T20:30:00.001-05:00

After three long months, maybe it was less than three months, but after months and months, I finally got to smoke some weed.

Why did I go so long you ask.

Because I was flat broke!

But thanks to the support of my fans and customers, along with depleting my entire savings, not only did I manage to survive until I finally scored a job, albeit temporary but you also managed to help me cover all of my bills this month with so much left over than I managed to pick up a bag and finally use my new purple bong. You remember the one I'm talking about. I bought it and used it about three times before my stash was tapped- that was the last I smoked.

Not only have you guys brought me this far, almost 1 whole year, but now I'm high as a kite. So thank you, this toke's for you...

Imported Via 420FriendsOnline.com

Birthday Gift Bonus Bash!

2012-01-02T06:38:00.001-05:00

I love presents! Do you? I bet you do! For a limited time only, any gift purchased for Ms.Illustrious that's over $20 qualifies for my Special Birthday Bonus!

For the month of January, and ending on my birthday, January 30th any gift purchased from the categories below will not only come with the specified gift(s) but you will also get Private Cam shows via Yahoo Messenger or Skype!

The more you spend the more time you get with me!

$20 - $35 - One 10 minute PVT Show
$36 - $45 - Two 10 minute PVT Show
$46 - $65 - Two 10 minute PVT Shows + One Custom Photo Set
$66 - $100 - Three 10 minute PVT Shows + One Photo Set + One Custom Video
$100 & Over - Three 10 minute PVT Shows + One Photo Set + One Custom Video & 25% off all future orders

Please Note: to qualify for the PVT Bonus on a gift you must spend at least $20 (before tax & shipping). All gifts must be delivered before a swap will take place. You get your gifts and pvt shows after I get my gift. Want an instant show then email me for more details! Orders featuring multiple gifts will be counted as one large gift total.

Buy me a Sex Toy and I will film a full length video and send it to you for free!
Buy me some Panties or Lingerie and get a photoset and short video. If you ask nicely, buy more than one pair or specify before I receive them, I'll wear the panties and send them to you for the cost of shipping!
Buy me a Video Game or some Xbox Live Points and get a naughty photoset, my xbox 360 or Steam Tag gamer tag and we can game together! (currently xbox 360 and Steam only - contact me for Steam Games and Username to make a purchase)
Buy me a Comic Book and I'll send you a candid photoset of me reading your gift in the buff!
Buy me some Shoes and get a free photoset and short video of me showing my tootsies off in them!
Buy me a Random Gift and you will still get a random photoset or short video!

***Note: In order to prevent scammers, all gifts including private time (when applicable) will be received by the purchaser after the gift has been shipped and delivered safely to Ms. Illustrious. ***

Sex Worker Problems: Insults

2011-12-20T02:38:00.001-05:00

These types of things are really a trigger issue for me. I find that a lot of cam viewers resort to name calling of this sort when a girl doesn't readily comply with a request, or more commonly a demand.

In my personal experiences when a request is made of me via cam in a chat room, if it is something I am not comfortable I calmly tell the person ''Sorry, but no" whether it be via PM or public chat. Upon repeat requests of said demand I ask the person to stop asking because I am not going to comply and to stop embarrassing themselves. The more adamantly the person demands, the lower the chances drop of my completing the request and the angrier I get.

Honestly, this goes for most cam girls I know.

Nine times out of Ten - I ban the person from my chat room for 6 hours before they get to their third request.

In situations were cam viewers forego a salutation and opt for a "Eh yo girl, finger your pussy!" approach, I instantly wield the ban hammer and chose the permanent option - no 6 hour bans for Rude-Dudes like that.

My only question for these guys is: What do you think that attitude is going to accomplish?? How is being rude and forgoing niceties going to get you anything, ever? I may be a virtual sex worker but don't you think being nice would get you more than most would get?

Ask any of my repeat customers, the nicer you are, the more articulate you are and the more capable you are of having a mature, adult conversation with me as a human being - the more likely you are to get free chat flashes, private show discounts and even straight up freebies.

So Rude-Dudes, the next time you go in any Cam-Girls chat room remember this:

Be Nice, Say Hello, and Ask Nicely.

In a room full of literal Jerk-Offs, the Good-Guys don't finish last, they Cum first.

(Image Courtesy of Sexworkerproblems.Tumblr.com)

Site Update 12/6/11

2011-12-06T06:45:00.001-05:00

Just a quick note concerning some new site looks and/or features! In the last few weeks I have updated or added:

an Order FAQ's - if you're currently awaiting an order you placed, I strongly suggested you read this!
An updated 'Private Cam Show' link
Nifty Feedburner RSS links and buttons
Disqus Comments capabilities
Added a new video clip to the 'Videos' Tab - with two more to come this week!
Added a dozen or so Pics to the 'Photos' Tab - sign up on NewbieNudes.com to view them full size!
Rearranged the Production List by Paid and Unpaid orders
And rearranged a few gizmos here and there - nothing major, just aesthetics.

Additionally, I have managed to obtain a brand new, unlocked PayPal account to be used for the payment of Video, Panties, Photosets and Private Cam Time. No Buy Now or Donate links will be found on the site however. That's how girls like me end up getting spanked with the Ban-Hammer!

But what does this mean for your purchases? A resounding...... not much!

Instead of me supplying you with a payment link and a bunch of numbers so you can deposit money on a debit card for me or having certain users pay me in MyFreeCams Tokens, I now:

send a payment request via paypal to the email of your choice
you enter your payment info and check out

once the transaction is cleared your private show will begin instantly (Skype or Yahoo Only) or your Video, Photo or Panty order will be placed in the production list (in the order it was received!) so that you can quickly and easily check on the status of your order.

I bust my round jiggly ass on this site on a regular basis, so let me know what you think. Feel free to post any comments or suggestions in the chat room, all feedback is welcomed!

Next Update???

Used Panty Store!

New Naughty Pics Available Now!

2011-12-01T16:04:00.001-05:00

I've recently joined NewbieNudes.Com and have had a very pleasurable experience sharing my nude photos with other amateur enthusiasts.

Check out my pics and thousands of others now!

Would You Like To Sniff My Panties?

2011-12-01T01:36:00.001-05:00

New Video! Green Lace Panty Tease

2011-11-26T09:16:00.001-05:00

This video is a true tease. If fact, that's all it is cause I neglected to film a full length so there no finale! But I did get nice and creative with it and added some slightly cheesy effects and some cool tunes.

If you enjoy this please make sure to comment or leave a message in the shout box and don't forget to check out my other video clips in the video tab up top!

Live now and ready for Private shows with you!

2011-11-25T21:10:00.001-05:00

Come check me out live now on Myfreecams.com and watch me bare some skin!

Donate - Gift - Support

2011-11-24T10:50:00.000-05:00

Help Support Ms. Illustrious
with gifts and donations that will help her to better produce your content! As always, all supporters get something in return!
_____________________________________________________________

Buy me some Panties or Lingerie and get a photoset and short video. If you ask nicely, buy more than one pair or specify before I receive them, I'll wear the panties and send them to you for the cost of shipping!
Buy me a Video Game or some Xbox Live Points and get a naughty photo-set, 2 live nude gaming sessions, added to my xbox 360 and/or Steam friend list and we can game together! (currently xbox 360 and Steam only )
Buy me a Comic Book and I'll send you a candid photoset of me reading your gift in the buff!
Buy me some Shoes and get a free photoset and short video of me showing my tootsies off in them!
Buy me a Random Gift and you will still get a random photoset or short video!

*Note: In order to prevent scammers, all gifts including private time (when applicable) will be received by the purchaser after the gift has been shipped and delivered safely to Ms. Illustrious. *

@Goddammitshell on NewbieNudes!

2011-11-22T04:29:00.001-05:00

My girl Shell is now featuring some exclusive photos not found elsewhere only on NewbieNudes.com!

Check her out now!

Go now!

2011-11-21T06:16:00.000-05:00

And check out all my XXX photos on NewbieNudes.com!

There might even be a teaser vid in it for you if you do!

The Vice Guide To: Eating Pussy

2011-11-19T23:31:00.000-05:00

Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they don’t like it but because it’s really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so it’s time we broke it down. Like this.

The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.

Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, “although I am about to rock your insides with 3 000 lbs. of explosives, here’s a little intimate treat session to show you how I really feel.” Instead of screaming “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ooohmygodohmygod-ohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (that’s French for “eat,” you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or one of those Flake adverts.

Break it down!

BE DOWN

Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven.

DON’T SAY HI TO DRY

A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping.

Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers.

Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws.

Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.

SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY

Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on vacation.

Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.

Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.

When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual cunt.

By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.

Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all knows that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin’ crawdaddies.

Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.

PARTING THE RED SEAS

Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what cavities are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PIL album That What is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.

THE GRAND ENTRANCE

Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these “St. Bernard licks” before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re probably in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue-tendinitis.

ROCK THE BOAT

Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss.

After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the pee hole the seeing to of its life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of ear lobes. When you push down on the area he’s the only one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.

Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.

IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE

After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.

Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it ease and “Oh my God” means bring it on.

CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER

These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he’s on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s not going to tell you shit because he’s a clit and he has no idea what you’re talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.

As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.

Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.

Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multi-orgasmic you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off.

CLITS THAT DON’T

Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.

THE CONCLUSION

Once you’re done (totally finished) she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.

(Via GAVIN MCINNES @ ViceLand.com)

Don't miss the show with @MsIllustrious tonight!

2011-11-18T09:31:00.000-05:00

Tonight is the night!

I got a bit sidetracked in the last week or so, so I'm celebrating with an extra special show tonight on MyFreeCams! Don't miss o ut! I'll be going live between 8pm & 10pm EST so check twitter for my live announcement!

Welcome Back @MsIllustrious !

2011-11-15T06:29:00.000-05:00

I've had a long, long week and shunned most of my responsibilities in that time, but I'm back again! So let's celebrate this Friday, the 19th, between 8pm & 10pm EST on Myfreecams.com!

Damn @CowGurlandPonie

2011-11-11T04:58:00.000-05:00

So I scroll down my tumblr page to relax and look at pictures of kittens and silly rage face memes after a long day and then Cowgurl&Ponie goes and posts these gifs that get me all horny and craving a nice deep anal plowing but the BF is no where to be found, I've already cum twice tonight and I honestly don't have the strength to fuck myself....

Thanks CowGurl, now my loins are going suffer until tomorrow!