Nest Dweller's Lair

Music that has impacted my life, Vol 2

2020-05-12T21:13:00.000-04:00

For my second foray into the music that has impacted me, will be a group that I frequently mention on Facebook. Like…at least once a week or so. They are vulgar. They are irreverent. They are Gwar.

I first got into Gwar in 1993. I was stationed in Virginia Beach at the time, not that far from where they are from, Richmond Virginia. I forget how I heard about them, but remember that they put on some brutal live shows, and people constantly got hurt (more on that later). I went to the mall located near the Oceana Naval Air Station one time, and was looking for something new to buy. I came across their only EP released the previous year, The Road Behind. I liked it. Then, I got the full length album where the song The Road Behind was from, America Must be Destroyed.

Just….wow.

First off, everything that Gwar says? Yeah, take it with a MASSIVE grain of salt.

Here’s their “mythos”:

GWAR's story begins at the beginning of time when the Master, a giant planet sized mass of flesh, shat out the entire universe. After viewing his creation, he decided it needed wiping. Thus, the Master created the Scumdogs of the Universe, an army of intergalactic pirates, warriors, and psychopaths who pledged allegiance to him, GWAR amongst them. Along with the Master's most loyal servant, Techno Destructo, GWAR and the Scumdogs of the Universe waged chaos across the universe, but GWAR invoked the Master's ire by blowing up the wrong planet (Flarv Quarv 7, rather than Flarv Quarv 6 as they were instructed).

GWAR was immediately defeated by the Master in combat and exiled to the backwards mud-ball planet Earth for eternity. But even in exile, the members of GWAR still managed to enjoy themselves- they invented rock music by stretching dinosaur guts across the grand canyon, killed the dinosaurs, and accidentally created humanity after raping a bunch of gorillas. From there, they would go about wrecking human civilizations until the Master found out about their activities on Earth, and so, he froze them in ice and locked them away in a temple in Antarctica.

Thousands of years later in 1984, music mogul Sleazy P. Martini stumbled upon their hidden temple after fleeing from the U.S. for drug trafficking and crashing his helicoptor in the Antarctic. A combination of global warming and sunlight reflecting off his gold chains melted GWAR's icy prison. They attempt to kill Sleazy, but he quickly wins their favor by hooking them on crack and convincing them to let him be their new band manager. Shortly after this, they discovered the band Death Piggy and convinced the band members to join them as their personal slaves and/or butt-boys, and decided to continue this tradition, while at the same time kidnapping and mutating other humans to become their slaves and minions.

They would then go on to become one of the most renowned rock bands ever, and would attempt to either escape, conquer, or destroy the earth multiple times, facing deadly enemies such as Techno Destructo, the Devil, Dr. Skulhedface, Cardinal Syn, and many others.

(https://villains.fandom.com/wiki/GWAR)

Ok, back to America Must be Destroyed. There is so much suggestive, and…to be honest…flagrant…topics of sex, sex organs, and violence in that album, it’s not funny. Well…ok, the way they present it is. If you have a dark sense of humor. I must admit that I was a little put off by some of the subject matter at first. But then I started really looking at the lyrics and realized…yeah, this is totally fake and over the top.

I think I have two favorite songs on this album, although they are ALL good. First is The Morality Squad. This song takes an over-the-top look at certain groups like PMRC (Parent’s Music Resource Center) that want to put limits on artistic expression on music groups like Gwar, 2 Live Crew, Judas Priest, etc. With lyrics like “Freedom for all the people, brave, true and strong. Freedom for all the people, unless I think you’re wrong”, and “Gwar, you’re the worst, I’ll put an end to you. You’re even grosser than 2 Live Crew”, it’s kind of obvious. There’s even a “commercial” for a fight-to-the-death match between Granbo (the leader) and her Morality Squad vs Gwar, and it sounds like one of those radio commercials that you’d hear on the radio for a Monster Truck event.

My second favorite song is the title track, “America Must be Destroyed”. This song actually has no lyrics, but vocal samples from different movies and musicians, and included something from the Challenger disaster. I know of the Challenger sample taken from NASA footage, Dr. Strangelove, and stuff from The Last Poets “White Man’s Got a God Complex”. There are others, but I couldn’t find out what they are. The song starts out with a syncopated rhythm then fades into a driving, yet simple, rhythm that almost immediately gets my head bobbing.

Fast forward more than a decade, and Gwar releases Beyond Hell. To be honest, I hadn’t followed Gwar at all after America. It was basically an accident that I re-discovered them. I was thumbing through a free weekly newspaper (mostly ads, a horoscope, some local things like art galleries, and…concerts) in Columbus, Ohio (my home since 2000). I saw an ad that Gwar was coming with Cradle of Filth (!!!!) (they get their own post later), both had released new albums, come see them, yada yada. I thought to myself: ”You know….tickets are only $20. It’s not a work night. When will I have a chance to see them again? And two bands.” So, I convinced…er…begged…my wife to let me go. I got the newest album, Beyond Hell, and listened to it so I wouldn’t be too lost.

Basically, Beyond Hell is a concept album where the entire thing is a story, and each song is a piece of that story. The military decides to attack the Gwar fortress in Antarctica. Gwar fights back, the fortress was destroyed, and Gwar flees into the UnderEarth below the fortress. They go down so far that they emerge in Hell, fight all the big-wigs including Satan himself. They defeat Him (well, duh), and find their way back up to their fortress, only to find that almost no time had passed. Their manager sent over a nine-ton crack boulder, they smoke it, and things are fine once more (see mythos above for crack issue).

I was only familiar with a few of Gwar’s songs… and most of the ones played at the concert…yeah. I didn’t know. But it was a GREAT show. No, I didn’t get in the mosh pit that time. Since then, I’ve seen them three other times, and have been in the mosh pit for all of those. Gwar has the roughest, rowdiest mosh pit I’ve been in. If you lose your mind and decide to go see them, definitely stretch first. I didn’t one time, and my knees were so sore the next day. Be warned, however. They “kill” people on stage. Politicians. Musicians. Celebrities. And in really graphic, yet hysterical ways. Don’t worry, it’s all foam rubber, latex, and a water-based fake blood. That blood…they shoot out into the crowd during some songs via various ways: “decapitation”, dismemberment, etc. Gwar fans that have been to several shows wear white t-shirts to see how “bloody” they can get themselves. Unfortunately, even after baking in the dryer to set the colors in, they still came clean in the wash. Dangit.

The songs on Beyond Hell are great. I don’t think there’s a single one that I don’t enjoy. The story itself is intriguing, the lyrics are properly descriptive, and the story comes to a predictable yet satisfying close.

I think my favorite song on this album is “War Is All We Know”. It has a fast driving tempo, and lyrics that describe a Gwar battle rather well, including some well written descriptives. This song is the beginning of the Beyond Hell story, where armies are attacking the Gwar fortress in Antarctica, and Gwar is getting their butts handed to them. There are some intriguing tempo changes both at the begging and later towards the end of the song. I can only describe it as kind of like a machine slowly starting then getting up to speed. Bum….bum….bum bum bum bumbumbum. The song slows down for a bit in the middle, but it really fits.

Gwar also did a cover of Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out” on this album. To be honest, I’m not sure which version is better. Cooper’s original version is just fantastic, and I can’t think of anyone doing it justice. However, the spin that Gwar put on it really makes it their own. You can find the video of that song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PexuypIX8uU

After Beyond Hell, I dusted off the one other album of theirs I had, and started collecting them again. Some of their stuff between America and Beyond Hell wasn’t that great. They were experimenting with their sound. They finally got back to a pure metal sound with “Violence Has Arrived” in 2001.

Gwar’s music is loud, violent, and sometimes disturbing, yet darkly humorous. There is some real musical talent in the song writing, though. A warped sense of humor helps.

Music that has impacted my life, Vol 1

2020-05-05T17:26:00.001-04:00

Before I get into the meat of my first “music that has impacted me” series (currently sitting at 30 albums), I’ll give a taste of my musical history.

I’ve always loved music. Always. I remember listening to music on A.M. radio (back when A.M. HAD music) in mom and dad’s car, and in the mornings - getting ready for school - on the little transistor radio mom had in the kitchen. The music was populated by John Denver, Barry Manilow, The Carpenters, etc. Easy listening stuff. In the spring and summer, during “clean up” days, mom would have the record player going with Herb Alpert, John Denver, and others that I can’t remember.

Come 4^th grade, I was able to choose an instrument to play if I wanted. I chose violin. I did that for a year, then in 5^th grade I moved up to upright bass. I was one of a few members from my school that went to ANOTHER school for practice before school started, and that little orchestra did a few “tours” of the schools in the district.

In junior high I was a member of the orchestra, joined the Seattle Youth Symphony Orchestra organization, starting with the youngest group, the Little Symphony. The music there was good, semi-popular classical music, but arranged down a few levels for the young musicians just really starting out. Following year, I moved up to the Junior symphony where the music was a bit more advanced. But, as I was the only bass player, I still played with the Little. Finally, in 9^th grade, I moved up to the actual Youth symphony. This group was for the “kids” up to age 21 (I think), and played full, unedited symphonies by the greats: Mozart, Beethoven, Sibelius, etc.

In 11^th grade, I also picked up the bass guitar to play with the high school jazz band, and still played with the Seattle Youth Symphonies, in addition to a couple more local groups. That year was my busiest one, musically: Little Symphony, Junior Symphony, Youth Symphony, high school orchestra, high school jazz band, an operetta company, Redmond Chamber orchestra, another group that played Beethoven’s 9^th (complete with large choral group), and a trio that was a spin-off of the chamber orchestra that played a few gigs here and there.

Starting in about 7^th grade, I started getting away from my parent’s type of music, and developing my own taste. The first tape I ever bought was Bryan Adams’ Reckless, followed by Bruce Springsteen’s Born in the USA. I started listening to a rock station at night, before switching it to a classical one to fall asleep. Typical 80s rock: Motley Crue, Def Leppard, Kiss, etc.

I bought a few more rock tapes over the years: Guns n Roses (more on them in a later episode), Bon Jovi, etc.

But I still think the most memorable one, and first real “metal” music I bought, was in 1989. Iron Maiden’s Powerslave album.

I had just watched Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and the lines: “Put them in the iron maiden.”
“Iron maiden?! Excellent!” stuck with me for some reason. I thought to myself: “hey…that’s a metal group, right? If they like it, maybe I will too.” (That was my reasoning at the time. Hey, I was young and stupid then, shaddup.)

So, I went to a Fred Meyer (dad had to stop by there to get something, I just went to the music section), looked under “I”, and found the only one they had by Iron Maiden: Powerslave. I remember being excited about it because of the skull on the front (Eddy), and getting a “real metal” album. Man, was I NOT disappointed. From the first chord of Aces High, to the final strains of Rime of the Ancient Mariner, I was absolutely hooked.

There are two “must hear” tracks from this album: Powerslave, and Rime of the Ancient Mariner. The first, Powerslave, tells the story of a pharaoh, who is apparently about to die, and is ruminating on what is to come after he passes. The song starts out with a heartbeat with an accompanying “uh-uh”, then a wolf-type (maybe jackal, considering the setting?) howl screams out, dissolving into a rather menacing laughter, then dissolving into the opening chords.
The entire song is just awesome, but I think the best part is the second guitar solo that hits at about the 4:40 mark. It starts off really growly that just grabs me, then the driving rhythm of bass, drums, and the other guitar makes this song simply addictive.

The second song on this album that is a must-hear is “Rime of the Ancient Mariner”, and is loosely based on the Samuel Taylor Coleridge poem of the same name. Again, from the opening chords, this song just hooks me. Part of it may be the length: clocking in at 13:41, it is the second longest Maiden song (the first is over 18 minutes). Another part that I love about this song is the inclusion of lines from the actual poem in two separate instances.
It tells the story of a mariner (sailor) on a ship sailing south, to the Antarctic region, apparently. On the voyage, however, he kills an albatross…which is a “bird of good omen”, which starts a curse. Everyone on the ship dies except him, and the ship just sits there unable to move due to no wind. After who knows how long, he finally prays for all the animals including sea creatures, and the wind and rain come and take the boat home. The curse is lifted as the ship gets close to his homeland. A hermit (I’m reading country-dwelling priest, here) hears the mariner’s confession, and has him tell his tale wherever he goes.

This song has three distinct parts: beginning, where the ship is sailing south and the mariner kills the albatross. Middle, where “Death and she, Life In Death” roll dice for the crew of the ship. She wins the mariner, Death wins the rest. This is a slower section where not much is going on, just like when the ship is unable to sail “with no wind in her sails and no tide”. It includes some creaking, as would be heard on a wooden ship. Finally, the third section is after the mariner prays for the sea creatures and the curse is lifted.

A couple interesting things here: the artist that drew the album cover put in a few easter eggs. See the pictures below.

First one has "Indiana Jones was here 1941" and a Mickey Mouse head. The second was a Kilroy picture with "Wot? No Guiness?"

National anthem stir: sit or stand?

2017-09-26T03:49:00.002-04:00

     Let me say first, that I am a Veteran. I joined the U.S. Navy to serve and protect this country and Her freedoms from foreign AND domestic peoples and groups that seek to diminish them.
     As a Vet, am I aggrieved to see people sitting and kneeling during the National Anthem? Of course. But also, as a Vet, I see it as a First Amendment action that should not be infringed upon. These sports players want to protest peacefully. They have a grievance about this country. Let them speak it, not shut them up.
     I, too, have a grievance about this country: the people "in charge" are not listening to the common people....the people they are supposed to represent. ALL the people, not just the wealthy, the white, the businesses.
     Trump wants to punish people that "disrespect" the flag and country. You know what other countries do that? North Korea. Iran. Syria. Saudi Arabia. China. How does it feel to be classified with those countries? You Republicans enjoy that? Anyone that speaks out gets fired, fined, or put in prison. You cheer about that now, but what would you have done if those rules were being put into effect while Obama was in office? You would have been screaming as loud as you could about it being unconstitutional.
     That is another grievance with this country and it's "leaders".
     You conservatives insist on bringing Christianity back into schools, forcing ALL students to participate, and shutting out any others: Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Paganism. This is sounding more and more like the Christian version of Sharia Law. You know what happens there? You don't belong to the "state sanctioned religion"? Prison. Fined. .....Executed.
     Another grievance.
     You might be thinking: oh this guy's just another liberal whining about anything. Maybe I am whining about what's happening. If this was happening to you, not the "other side", I'm sure you would be whining as well. In fact, you whined non-stop during the entire Obama presidency. For what reason? He was black.
   You whined. You whined because "he's from Africa", "he's a Muslim", "he's not an American". Translation: he was black. An educated black. Multiple degrees, a lawyer, congressman. Stayed above insults directed at him, didn't offer any in return.
    Now, you have a draft dodger, no political history, verified liar, GAME SHOW HOST, that insults anyone and everyone. So much so, that another country is about ready to shoot nuclear missiles at us.
And you are ok with this....why? Is this really what America has come to?
     You people are upset with the way these sports people are treating the flag. I get that. I understand it. As I said, I'm a veteran. However, all you with the Stars and stripes on your headbands, jackets, shorts, shirts....all of that is against the Flag Code you so vehemently scream you are defending.
Don't believe me? Here. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Flag_Code

So. Am I upset with them kneeling? Yes. Am I going to do anything about it? No. They are protesting, and protesting peacefully.
They have that right.
I helped them get it and keep it.
I am a Veteran.

Talk like a Pirate Day!

2012-09-19T11:12:00.001-04:00

Depression sets in...again

2012-08-28T23:31:00.000-04:00

At times, life really sucks dead whale dick. I was let go from my previous job because I'm a big guy, talk loud....and therefore intimidated people. That was October 2010. I had one job from December 2011 to Feb 2012...a contract job that I had hoped would turn permanent. It didn't. Then in June 2012, I got a part time job at a deli, and another part time job at a dine-in theater. The theater started giving me TONS of hours, so I quit the deli. Now, it's come to this: the theater has WAY over-spent the hours it has for us schlubs in the kitchen, so our hours have gone from 48+ all the way down to 16-24. At $8.50 an hour, with a kid and a pregnant wife....it just doesn't work. A good chunk of wifey's check goes to insurance.
Rent. Cable/internet. Car insurance. Electric. Gas. Gasoline. Water/sewer/trash. Misc bills. School loans. Credit cards.
It just keeps adding water to our pool, and we're chained to the bottom in the deep end. Right now, the water is up to our chins, and still rising.
I can't quit my job, because I won't get unemployment for self-termination. I'm looking desperately for a new one, but the job market is still VERY poor right now, and with the exception of one nibble on my resume, I've had nothing from anyone.

I really hate this existence sometimes. Makes me wish that the "Next World" that the Mayans predicted would in-fact come true.

Heat and hotels

2012-07-07T10:11:00.002-04:00

It was really interesting, this past week, to watch human society devolve into something resembling barbarism (more on that in next blog). On Friday June 29, an intense storm whipped through a good portion of the United States, including here in Ohio. There was plenty of rain, and winds at times were in excess of 80mph, which is equal to a weak hurricane. Power went out in something over 1 million homes in the Central Ohio area, and some are still out as of writing this (July 7th).
The first night wasn't bad, most people thought something like "oh, it'll be back on shortly". However, as the hours went by and reports were emerging from the radio broadcasts, it was looking more and more like it was a bigger issue.
I was lucky enough to be sent to the store to get ice that first night, and got three bags. We put some essentials in a couple coolers: milk, eggs, cheese, yogurt...basically things that Kiera would eat. The temperature before the storm that day was 98 degrees, but it cooled off rapidly after that storm came through. The temp quickly climbed again after the front zipped through.
Saturday morning, after hearing on the radio that the temperature forecast for the next several days was in the 90s, we started looking into hotels. After calling every single hotel in the phone book (borrowed), we were out of luck. Either they were all booked up (thanks to the power outages, and a volleyball tournament Nationals), or didn't take pets. I'm sorry, but there was no way that Lola could stay locked up in a house without air conditioning.
My wife's mother, Sally, was also looking for a hotel for herself and her other daughter Krista (and her two kids), but she took a more direct route: she went to hotels and talked to them face-to-face. We were all eventually booked into a hotel for the absolutely outrageous price of $180 (after tax) per room...actually one was a little cheaper, because there was a pet charge.
One night on a rock-hard bed later, and we started looking for a cheaper hotel. We found one for about $50 cheaper a few buildings down from the one we were in. We got all our stuff together, got checked out, and went to the new hotel. Unfortunately, that hotel lost power about 5 minutes before we got there. We stayed in the lobby for about 20 minutes, to get out of the heat. However, the front of the building was basically all glass and was warming up quickly now that the AC was off.
Keep in mind that in our car there was: a pregnant woman (Paula), a 2 year old child (Kiera), a dog, and myself. We went down the road a few miles to a pet store that still had power, and sat there for a while to cool Lola off, change a diaper, and get some water for everyone.
We checked a couple more hotels down from the pet store. This one was really great. Still no rooms, but they were awesome when they heard our situation, and called several competing hotels around the city for us. They found a Comfort Inn just North of the I-270 loop around the city. On our way up there Sally, Krista, and the two kids called us (THANK ALL THE GODS FOR CELL PHONES!!!!!), and we checked on another main road en-route.
They found one! It was another Comfort Inn, and it was about half the cost of the first hotel. We ended up staying there Sunday and Monday night. Power was restored late Monday, and our neighbor texted me. I called off work on Tuesday so I could get all our crap out of the hotel and into the house while Paula was working.
Krista's power was finally restored on Wednesday afternoon, so they're back home now.
The temperatures for this past week have been brutal. Starting with Friday, June 27th, they have been: 98, 90, 93, 91, 95, 100, 98, 101. And it's supposed to be 105 today.
Our AC unit is working almost constantly, the dog is panting, and everyone is drinking water on an hourly basis. Things are supposed to get back to normal (in the 80s) by Monday or so.
Keep cool, everyone.

Concert Review: Gwar, Kylesa, Ghoul, Legacy of Disorder

2012-04-24T15:04:00.000-04:00

Well, I survived again. I went to see Gwar this past Sunday, and was in the mosh pit for almost the entire show, not just Gwar. The doors opened at 630pm, and the concert started at about 715.

First up was a band called Legacy of Disorder. They are a metal band from New Zealand that have a really good heavy sound. They're a four-piece band with a singer, guitar, bass and drums. They were good, but as an opening band, not many people were getting to into them. Which is a shame, as I see a lot of potential in them.

Second band playing was a death metal band called Ghoul. These guys are from Oakland, California. As a four piece band, they have an incredible sound. With names like Cremator, Digestor, Dissector, and Fermentor, they have hoods covering their faces, growling lyrics, and a rather impressive stage show. Actually, their stage show looked like a cheap imitation of Gwar (see earlier posts or later in this one), but it was really entertaining. Like Gwar, they squirted "blood" (basically just colored water that comes out in the wash or in the shower) into the audience, have foam-latex characters that wander out on stage to be "killed", and a decent amount of in-character interaction with the crowd. A lot of voodoo overtones are in their music and stage show, with Baron Samedi as a song and a character on stage.

The third band, I'm sorry to say, didn't really belong. Kylesa is more of a mix of psycedelic, progressive, and just plain weird rock. They are a five piece band, with two of them being on drums. The lead singer had some weird hand-shaking wiggly-wobbly thing that made me think of drugged out dream sequences from low-budget movies. They didn't have that bad of a sound...but each song sounded basically the same. The band didn't interact with the crowd at all, except to say "our last song of the evening is...". Overall, I'd give this band a 3 out of 10. Not good for a metal show at all.

Finally, Gwar came on. This is the second leg of a long tour. The main tour was put on hold for a bit when the lead guitarist, Flattus Maximus (Cory Smoot) died in his sleep on the tour bus due to a coronary artery thrombosis brought about by his pre-existing coronary artery disease, and they decided to continue as a four-piece band and dedicate the rest of the tour to him and his family. Instead of replacing him with the same character, Flattus, they retired him, saying that the character returned to their home planet (confused? Read their "history" on their website...link is on their name above).
On this tour, the story is that Gwar bought the deed to Death's castle, and they're checking it out. Long time whipping boy, Bonesnapper the cave troll, brought them a house-warming present: Snookie from Jersey Shore. Gwar proceeded to enthusiastically dismember her (it's all fake, remember!). Turns out that "Death" is actually one of their main enemies, Sawborg Destructo, and he's hidden the World Maggot in the basement to try to eat Gwar. They also had a run-in with the janitor of the Castle of Death.
As for the tribute to Cory Smoot...it was really pretty touching. After the last song was played, the stage went dark, and the house lights stayed dark. Suddenly, a spotlight shone on Cory's guitar that was now sitting in it's guitar stand on stage. Frank Sinatra crooning "My Way" came over the speakers, and the audience started singing along, holding their lit lighters in the air. After the entire song played through, no-one really moved or said anything for several minutes, until the house lights finally came on.

If the rest of the bands were at a volume level of nine...Gwar upped it to about fourteen. I stared off just to the right of center stage, two people back. With the wave motion of the crowd, I soon found myself to the extreme right, up against the rail that separates the crowd from security and the stage. I got knocked down, into a plastic garbage can, was helped up, knocked down, was helped up, crushed against the wall and rail, and generally felt like a ping-pong ball. Right now, I feel like I went through the entire Biggest Loser exercise program during the two hour Gwar set-list. My legs and feet feel like jelly from the constant moving, pushing, bracing; I have a rather nice bruise on my side, and my arms feel wobbly from pushing back against the crowd.

As I said, I got right up front, which is (technically) one of the safer places to be in a Gwar pit. And because I was there, I got hit full on whenever they sprayed the "blood" around.
Yeah, it was fun.

Before:

After:

Will I go to Gwar again? Of course. Will I get in the pit again? Might.

Moshing

2012-04-19T23:27:00.001-04:00

With the Gwar concert coming up this Sunday (April 22), I've decided to (try to) explain what moshing is. According to Wikipedia,
"Moshing, in a strict sense, is a style of dance whose participants push or slam into each other. It is most associated with "aggressive" music genres, such as hardcore punk and heavy metal. It is primarily done to live music, although it can be done to recorded music."
You can read the entire article here.
In its most basic form, moshing is a bunch of people running around and crashing into each other while a heavy metal concert is going on around them. However, there are a few different kinds of moshing: push-moshing, hardcore dancing, circle pit, and wall of death.

The wall of death is a very violent act (hence the name) and people have been seriously hurt during it.

That video clip was from the Summer Breeze Festival DVD...the metal band Exodus playing Strike of the Beast.

The band Gwar has a different kind of moshing. At least at the concerts I've been to. The crowd is pushed up as close to the stage as they can get, so it's one big mass. The fans sway mostly side to side, with a little bit of front to back. A pit does open up in back of the main crush of people, though, and that one is the circle pit.

That's a "blood cannon" that one of the characters, Bonesnapper the troll, is spraying over the crowd. No, I've never participated in a Wall of Death. Yes, I've been in two Gwar pits, and I plan on being in my third this Sunday. I have a white T-shirt ready, as most of the frequent Gwar concert-goers wear to see how soaked with "blood" (see one of my previous blogs about my last Gwar concert) they can get. I will take pics of before and after the concert with my phone, and post them the next day.
Until then, so long.

Celtic music mixed with.....

2012-04-18T09:51:00.000-04:00

I don't know what people's music preference is, but there's been a bit of a surge of celtic music sprinkled into other forms lately. For instance, Flogging Molly and Dropkick Murphys are pretty much classified as punk, but with so much celtic influence and instrumentation that they've carved a niche called "celtic punk". Click here for the video of Dropkick Murphys song called Going Out in Style.
Punk music probably has the best sound to put to celtic music, but heavy metal hasn't been lacking for it either. There's a group called Eluveitie that has put out a couple albums. Click here for their video for Thousandfold.

The symphony orchestra playing with Metallica seemed to tone down the "heavy metal" sound of Metallica, yet it still sounded fantastic. In contrast, I think the celtic music with punk and metal actually enhances the sound of the music, making it richer, instead of softening it.

Too much to do, so little time

2012-04-11T10:03:00.000-04:00

I know, it's been a while. I've been taking care of the kid, and with that and all the other Mr. Mom type stuff that goes on in a house, there's been precious little time to devote to writing. I have a few ideas perking away, and I should be able to post in a couple days.

Remember the Veterans

2011-11-11T09:39:00.000-05:00

Not every veteran carried a gun, flew a plane, or drove a route that was constantly trapped with explosives. Remember, the people that do the mundane tasks of repairing vehicles, maintaining aircraft, making sure that the ships work correctly, and cooking the food are also veterans. In the U.S. military, even the peons help make sure that things work correctly and that their fellow members are taken care of. So, on this Veteran’s Day, make sure that you tip your hat to, shake hands with, or say thank you to not only the combat troops…but also the ones that make sure the machine runs at all.

A former U.S. Navy peon

How lazy has America become?

2011-10-28T23:17:00.000-04:00

Let's face it, folks. Americans, for the most part, are lazy. Why walk 2 blocks to the store when you can drive? Why cook a nice, relatively nutritious, home-made meal at home, when you can zip over to the nearest fast food grease joint and clog your arteries there? I can (sorta) deal with those.
HOWEVER...this one takes the cake: I was walking into a local grocery store...let me call it "Really Large American National Bird", and saw a sign that made me shake my head in disbelief. What did it say? "European mixed hardwood" over a stack of firewood. Right next to another stack with a sign that said "European White Birch". ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!?! Now we are importing firewood?! We have tons of people practically begging for jobs, and we have to send out for wood. Instead of using an automated piece of machinery to split logs for firewood (yes, I know it's cheaper for the companies to use), put a few people to work chopping wood. Not only would you be helping them by giving them a job, but you'd be making them healthier on top of it. Is that BAD for America? To most companies, it is: invest as little money as possible in material and employees, and sell for maximum profit. I get that and understand that companies need to make money.
On the other hand, if people aren't working, THEY aren't making money, and therefore have none to spend, and therefore are NOT going to buy your piece of crap Widget that cost you $1.00 to have built, and are selling for $30.00. NOT GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN!!!

Moving Really Sucks

2011-09-16T09:22:00.000-04:00

We've all done it. We'll all do it again. And it really, really sucks a big one: packing up all of your stuff into cardboard boxes of various sizes, renting a truck, putting all those boxes into the truck and driving to another location to unload the truck.
If you're like us, you probably labeled each box with things like "kid's room", "bedroom", "kitchen", ect. Those boxes went into the corresponding room, right? And, if you've moved in the last year or so...you probably still have stuff in those boxes. However, we got a little sloppy this time. We have a pile in the basement called "stuff". This pile has anything that doesn't really fit into it's own category. The problem is...it also has things that DO fit into another category, but we were too rushed to go find room in one of the correct boxes.
Things are just backing up. Kitchen cabinet shelves need the liners before stuff gets put on them, a dresser needs a drawer repaired, book shelves need the shelves back on (before the books go on, duh)...it's a bit overwhelming. Even more so, if you take into account the fact that there's a 19 month old running around and getting in the way.
Hopefully, our next move will be many years down the road. Paula and I already made a promise to each other: Next time, we'll pack EVERYTHING up, and hire movers.

Bats and Spiders

2011-06-09T11:56:00.000-04:00

I had an interesting encounter whilst walking the dog last night: I got brushed on the cheek by a bat. It was one of the softest touches I've ever been touched by. Softer than silk sheets, softer than a loving kiss by your partner. It lasted just a fraction of a second, so quick that at first I doubted it happened, but then the bat flew right in front of my eyes. I know some of you will recoil when you read this, but I thought it was just awesome.

Think about how great bats are. A single bat can eat up to 1200 mosquitoes in an hour! Plus, some species are fruit or nectar eaters, so the help pollinate the plants and flowers. Holy crap! Yes, they could be filthy, but I think I'll take a dirty flying rat (basically) instead of around 1000 mosquitoes.

This brings me to the next subject: spiders. But before you brutally squish that eight-legged critter, think on this: they eat tons of bugs too. I know some are just disgusting to look at, but what they do is incredible! And their webs....wow! There's nothing quite so beautiful as a spider's web wet with dew first thing in the morning!

Stupidity

2011-06-02T06:23:00.000-04:00

Everyone is ignorant about something. You, me, the neighbor, the person you buy coffee from on the way to work....everyone. However, it is seeming that more and more people are becoming more and more stupid about driving. Lets review a few items regarding driving, shall we?
First: If you have trouble walking and chewing gum at the same time...HANG UP THAT FUCKING CELL PHONE!!! More accidents are occurring because idiot drivers are yapping away and not paying attention to the road. People...you are driving a piece of metal and plastic that weighs close to (or over) one ton. If you aren't paying attention, that semi that out-weighs you by a factor of oodles (oodles = random double digit number) will drive over your expensive tiny import that you paid a lot of money for. AND IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT, MORON!!!! Either that, or you will kill someone. Hopefully yourself and remove your genes from the collective pool. You win the Darwin Award!
Yesterday, some idiotic lady started turning left at an intersection. Right in front of on-coming traffic. She was on her phone, and had the balls to actually look surprised when people were honking at her. I can't count the number of times someone blabbing away cruised right through a red light and almost hit another car.
Second: if the traffic lights at an intersection are totally out, TREAT IT LIKE A FOUR-WAY STOP, IDIOT!!! Don't blissfully cruise on through like you own the entire road (trust me, you don't). That is, unless you want a slightly delayed, yet rather interesting trip to the local emergency room. And you don't mind paying the tons of hospital bills that you will get from the people you injur by your stupidity. And your insurance rates going up (probably for the fifth or sixth time).
Third: I know that it's a complete and total surprise every year, but some people forget that yes it does indeed snow once in a while, but DON'T DRIVE 70 MILES AN HOUR ON THE FREEWAY IN THE FUCKING SNOW AND GO 30 MILES AN HOUR IN THE RAIN!!! YOU HAVE IT BACKWARDS!!!! It's because of idiots like you that there are wrecks on the freeway. I grew up in Seattle (rain capital of the nation, apparently), and know how to drive in the rain. People here in Ohio, I guess, forget every year, month and week, how to drive in falling water and decide to take it reeeeeeeaaaaal careful. However, in the winter, they go as fast as they do in the summer, and are actually surprised when they are suddenly facing the opposite way, on the other side of the freeway, upside down. I'm not saying they should drive 80 in the rain, but don't go 30 either.

Long Absence Explained

2011-05-13T16:01:00.000-04:00

Hi all! It's been a long time since my last post, and I apologize for that. I've been spending most of my time trying to chase after a 15 old little girl. That's teething. And climbing. And falling. *Sigh* I haven't read much lately, or seen much or listened to much, that isn't young child related. However, Kiera absolutely loves The Backyardigans.

One Year Old!!

2011-02-10T01:06:00.000-05:00

Aye, as hard as it is to believe it was one year ago today that my daughter was brought into this world. The weather was rather similar, full of February snow, biting wind, and bone-chilling cold. We had actually gone into the hospital the evening of the 8th, expecting to be induced that night. However, with several other women coming in that were dialated several centimeters or whose water had already broken, we were pushed back. We finally got a room on the 9th, fairly early if memory serves correctly. I don't remember all the details, but I do remember that I was REALLY glad that OSU Hospital had a Wendy's that was open pretty much 24/7. Anyway, after 31 hours of induction with no real results to speak of, it was decided that Paula would have a C-Section. She was all drugged up, I was given the smock, hat, and mask. They wheeled her into the operating room, and I was told to wait until they came for me. Needless to say, I was extremely nervous, and resorted to pacing. I think I made deals with every deity that came to mind, and some that I made up, to have my wife and child make it through this fine. Finally, they came and got me. The doctors were on one side of Paula (the side they needed to work on, obviously), and a sheet was up blocking Paula's sight and mine of the cutting area. For some reason, they didn't want either of us to watch the cutting, because we might faint. She might, but I find that kind of thing really fascinating.

Anyway, they brought me in just a couple minutes before the arrival. I had a digital camera ready, and was perched on a stool. I told Paula several times that I love her. And then, the doctor said "here she comes". I stood up and took a few pictures as Kiera Siobhan Bird was introduced to the world. Eight pounds, eight ounces of bloody, screaming beauty. So gorgeous. I knew right then of what new fathers talk about...that tugging of the heartstrings, the melting of whatever ice they have about them, warming to a snug, cozy fire that the child will always be safe near.
I cried. I admit it, I cried. Seeing such a beautiful little girl...one that I will do anything for. One that I will (groan) buy tutus and ballerina outfits for.
Due to a mis-communication between me and a drugged-out Paula ( I was wrong, of course), it was 3 hours later that mommy and baby finally got to see each other.

It was a few days before we got to take her home. Lola, the dog, was REEEEEAAALLLLYYY inquisitive about the new "thing" we brought home. She put her front feet on a chair and looked into the bassinet several times, wagging her tail. Whenever Kiera cried, Lola would come running, like "what's wrong, can I help?" Now? It's more like "Oh kid, be quiet." Of course, now that Kiera's walking, Lola has to run upstairs if she wants a reprieve. Needless to say, Lola spends most of her time on either our bed or the spare.

Yes, she's walking. She took a few tentative steps at Christmas, then really got going at Grandma and Grandpa Bird's in Iowa. Now, she walks wherever she wants to go.

This year has been nothing but firsts for us: First baby, first crawling, walking, meeting doggy, LONG trip in car. It hasn't all been roses, but it's been nowhere near sewer either. Except for that hot-dog issue a few nights ago...PEEEEEEW!!!

And so, to my baby girl, I wish a very happy first birthday, I love you very much. To all my friends and facebook friends that read this, I welcome your comments.

Bah! Humbug! Just kidding!

2010-12-10T23:10:00.000-05:00

I'll be the first to admit that my sense of humor is a bit off-kilter from what most here in the U. S. would consider "normal". For example, I'll usually cheer for the mad serial killer in the movies (Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kruger, etc), How the Grinch Stole Christmas (with Jim Carrey) makes me laugh out loud, and I love British comedy.
Now that I've said that, you'll understand why Christmas is one of my favorite times of year. It has some of THE BEST twisted music! Not only Dr. Demento, but Bob Rivers has put out several CDs.
I also came across the following piece when I was more into Warhammer 40,000...it was on the bulletin board that Games Workshop had at that time. I make no claims to ownership or authorship, but I'm posting it here for everyone's entertainment.
If you want some clarification or definitions, take a look at my posting on 9/11 for more info of the Warhammer 40,000 setting.
Enjoy!

___________________________________________________________________________________

Begin Transmission
Repetition of General Directive 264-A-XCIV
To: Distribution, Sectorium Primus
From: Office of The Grand Inquisitor, Ebineezar Grinchanius
Re: Yearly Chaos Incursion
This purpose of this notice is to remind the forgetful of the annual visitation by the minion of Chaos known to the unworthy as Santa Claus.
+++ The Emperor's Light Banishes the Shadows of Heresy +++
As the diligent will recall, the incursion occurs regularly every 8742 to 8766 terran hours, roughly corresponding to a terran year. This trespass has occurred with disturbing regularity since at least the Horus Heresy, and perhaps longer, as many records were misplaced.
+++ Love and Obey the Emperor +++
The faithful will recognize the target on sight, as his garb and gear mark him immediately as an agent of the abominations.
Santa Claus is a corpulent, bloated creature approximating the human form. It wears a crimson tunic the color of fresh blood, marking him as a possible follower of Khorne. It is bearded, mocking the honorable Squats, and its hair is a sallow shade of gray, betraying its unnatural age. Be advised that despite the creatures fearsome name, no claws have been observed, and the former is likely a ruse.
The target has been observed in the company of smaller creatures having the appearance of thin (less than 30 kg, approx.), stunted (1.5 meters) humanoids with pointed ears. Their appearance suggests the involvement of the decadent Eldar, and although that race denies involvement (*reference the Rudolphian Campaign [index 4111-BGE-MMXCII-Primus], specifically the Battle of Yukon Cornelius IV [ibid., index 6]*), agents are advised to be prepared for their involvement, as the Eldar are known for their deceitful ways.
Santa Claus is conveyed by means of a grav-sled powered by unnatural livestock as detailed below.
The target's vehicle is a grav-sled. It has superfluous runners which are used only on landing and take-off. Despite the appearance, no frozen water is necessary for its operation (another ruse). The vehicle's resemblance to the foul Palanquin of Nurgle should not be discounted, even though the colors continue to be reminiscent of Khorne.
The device is powered by the unholy ministrations of eight or nine quadrupeds. Ordo Malleus scholars have identified these creatures as warped versions of an extinct species of terran mammal known as a Moose (reference 900002-ER-CIV). These beings single-mindedly pull the target's vehicle during its yearly invasion. They are outfitted with belled harnesses which are apparently imbued with the ability of flight. These beasts have been likened to the Fiends of Slaanesh, and such a comparison should not be dismissed too lightly, as the creatures shed a luminous substance as effluent as they move. Inquisitors should take care to avoid exposure.
Perhaps more disturbing is the variable number of the minion-creatures. On occasion, a ninth Moose has been observed, placed before the other Mooses. This creature radiates a sickly reddish glow from its snout, as a psychic beacon to other followers of the Vile Ones. This Chaotic device has allowed the target to navigate despite our best efforts to jam its navigation systems.
+++ Blessed is the Virtue of Blind Faith +++
Santa Claus gains entry to the domiciles of loyal Imperial Citizens (see below) and leaves small Chaos Rewards to tempt the faithful.
Inquisitors are reminded to confiscate and incinerate these items before any lasting damage is done. As a localized temporal distortion field is in effect around the target, these items are secreted in the habitations of the Imperium at exactly 2400 hours in every location defiled by the creature. It is therefore possible to gain entry to the citizens' cretches and remove the items (often cunningly hidden in footwear) before the citizens are aware of the heresy that has been committed upon them.
In other cases, removal of the items after the citizens have discovered them is possible. In such situations, small children are occasionally loath to surrender the items, as the tainting of the juveniles has already begun. Executions of the above are to be handled in the most expedient manner possible.
Often, juveniles that are well within the Emperor's Grace are given small blocks of graphite ore rather than the more tempting gifts visited upon the less faithful. The identity of these individuals are to be recorded, as future recruitment into the Inquisition or Adeptus Terra is possible. [Note: Inquisitors or other agents who do *not* receive the graphite stones should be watched carefully]
Santa Claus enters the domiciles be way of heating ducts and waste vents. The size of the opening is not a factor, as the creature can adjust its mass and displacement by means of psychic manipulation. Mining these openings with frag, krak and other demolitions has proven unsuccessful.
The creature egresses by the same means, after ritually caressing his nostrils. No mucus has ever been recovered.
+++ The Death of Emperor's Enemies is the Only Gift We Can Give +++
Although all previous attempts at the destruction of Santa Claus have failed, Inquisitors are urged to make such an attempt whenever possible.
However, of more importance is the suppression of cultist activity associated with the yearly incursion. The Tainted have been known to erect shrines in their homes in the form of shrubbery adorned with baubles and lights [Note: the shrubbery is often highly flammable, and offers a discrete method of executing the offending heretics without calling undue attention to the operation]. Other warning signs include: hallucinations involving sugared candies during slumber; excessive singing; references to 'A magical time of year' (note the influence of Tzeentch); the construction of effigies made of snow; and the performance of Slaanesh rituals while underneath plant clippings of the genus _phoradendron flavescens_.
Once again, executions should be handled in an expedient manner.
End Transmission
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

End.

fired from work

2010-12-10T12:12:00.000-05:00

Greetings all! I was fired from work at the end of October, and I've had a hard time coming up with things to write about, since most of my reading, music listening, and movie watching took place there (while on breaks only). The baby has been taking up almost all my time, which I have no problem with, really. I'm almost done with a book though, and have watched a few movies with the kid, so look for a new posting in a few days while I get my thoughts together.

Concert review: Gwar

2010-11-04T23:53:00.001-04:00

Yeah, I went to see Gwar last week. My hearing is finally back to normal. Mostly. Gwar's new album, Bloody Pit of Horror, doesn't come out until November 9th...but that doesn't stop them from touring to promote it. This is the second year of their 25th Anniversary, and it was well worth the cash for the ticket.
The first band, Mobile Deathcamp, is a band from Toledo here in Ohio. For a three person band, they have a very full sound, awesome lyrics (from what I could understand), and great guitar riffs. Of course, the lead guitarist used to be the bassist for Gwar (Beefcake the Mighty), so there's great talent there. They opened for Gwar last time they toured, and will hopefully headline sometime soon.
The second band, Infernaeon from Florida, was everything a death metal band can be: shredding riffs, pounding bass, and growling vocals. They were very good, and I hope to see them again next time they come through. They're a five piece band, and they were rather cramped on the small Newport stage, but they did great with such a small space.
The third band, The Casualties, would seem to be the odd-group out. Hailing from New York City, they are a punk band, complete with spikey hair. At first, I wasn't that impressed with them, but they really grew on me. I don't really know how to describe it, other than punk. Again, this is a band I'm really wanting to see again.
Now we get to the headliner: Gwar. This band, if you haven't heard of them, is all about politically incorrectness. They don't care who they offend, anything is open. For a complete "history" of the band, you can go here: http://www.gwar.net/mythos . They have characters come out on stage, and everyone is done up in latex and rubber costumes, including the band. The concert I attended started out simple enough. They're promoting the new album, Bloody Pit of Horror with the first single, "Zombies, March". Keeping that in mind, you'll understand why when the lights went out in the Newport Concert Hall, the song "Thriller" by Michael Jackson started playing. Two zombies came out on stage, followed shortly by the band.
Now, I should mention at this point that any characters, and occasionally the lead singer, come on stage trailing hoses. When a character is "killed", "blood" squirts from the neck or body. This is a water soluable solution tinged either red or green, depending on who/what gets "killed".
Ok, back to the concert. Oderus Urungus, the lead singer, came out with his sword and "decapitated" the zombies, thus starting the actual concert. Also "killed" was Sarah Palin, and Lady Ga-Ga (Oderus called her Lady Gay-Ga), and a recurring character, Bonesnapper the troll (he had the green blood).
The last Gwar concert I went to, I went in the mosh pit for about 3 minutes, and got hit in the face, resulting in a bloody nose. This time, I must confess, I was in the pit from the very beginning. I got hit with the "blood" spray from everything that was "killed", and the "blood" cannon. Most true fans wear white t-shirts, and show off the "bloody" shirt with pride. However, I learned from my mistake last year: even though I dried it first, it still came clean in the wash. This time, I don't think I'm gonna wash it. I'm gonna keep it for next time.
To be in a Gwar mosh pit is to literally court injury. So many people are bunched up together, pushing around so the entire mob sways from side to side and front to back in massive waves. It's hot, humid, and VERY VERY close. So close that, if people were naked, it would be considered...kinky. THAT close. However, Gwar fans are some of the best sports around, and go out of their way to help people back up if someone falls down. And Gwar is definately NOT just for guys, there were plenty of women there, including a lady that was about 50 years old attending her first Gwar show.
Needless to say, I've had my adrenalin/death-thrill for a while. At least until next year.

Musical tastes

2010-10-21T23:48:00.000-04:00

I have been asked many times "How can you listen to that crap?" (my wife). I've been told "Let me know when you start listening to 'music' " (thanks, dad). A lot of people wonder how/why I can listen to such beautiful pieces of music like Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, Ave Maria, and Mozart's Requiem...and within a minute switch to a group like Slipknot, Gwar, or Slayer. Well, I'll tell you.
Firstly, for the most part, when it comes to heavy metal music, one of the last things I do is listen to lyrics. I just don't care what the singer is saying. The first thing I listen for is how the group's instruments, as a whole, sound. The interplay of guitars, bass, drums, and whatever else the group has. If I don't like the instrumentation of the group, it doesn't matter if the lyrics are some of the best poetry or imagery ever written, I just turn it off.
Second, I listen to how the singer sounds with the group. If he/she sounds stupid or cheesy, I turn it off. There's a CD I have by a group called Warhammer. The singer sounds like Rolf the Dog from the Muppet Show. The instrumentation of the group is great, but I have trouble with the singer: I just can't wrap my head around Rolf headbanging to songs like Crush the Disbeliever, and Necrophobia.
Lastly, I check out the lyrics. If the instrumentation is good, and the singer is good, the lyrics just follow. I'll enjoy reading the lyrics if I like the music.

Now then. Classical music. This is something really difficult for someone to describe "how" or "why" he or she likes it. Classical music seems to be just one of those things that you either like....or don't. There's no real in-between point. I grew up with classical music, and enjoy relaxing to it. There are times when I'll listen to the Amadeus soundtrack for a week or more at a time, and nothing else. I know and realize that some people make fun of those of us that like classical music. To them I say: without the innovations done by the pioneers of music like Bach, Mozart, and Handel, your favorite music group today simply would not exist in their current form.

General Stuff

2010-09-23T17:35:00.000-04:00

Comments are always welcome, as are questions. I will also take recommendations for my next book or music review. If I have it in my collection, I'll read it or listen to it.

Book Review: Ciaphas Cain: Hero of the Imperium

2010-09-22T00:31:00.002-04:00

In a setting as drenched in blood as the Warhammer 40k setting is, you don’t expect a lot of humor. Then you realize that the company is based out of the same country that brought out Monty Python and Benny Hill, and you might say something like “ah, that explains it”.

Ciaphas Cain: Hero of the Imperium is not just one book, but an omnibus of the first three novels featuring the reluctant hero. It also has three short stories before each full novel that gives a hint of what’s in-store in that next book. It should be noted here that all of the stories are told in the first person (I went here, I did this, etc), with some additional notes by the Inquisitor that Cain meets in “For the Emperor”.

In the Warhammer 40k setting, commissars are strict disciplinarians. They lead from the front, showing no fear, and executing any that show cowardice or don’t do what they’re ordered to. They worship the Emperor and hold Him more dear than their own lives. Therefore, when a novel came out that shows one particular commissar in a rather dubious light, I really sat up and took notice.

The short story “Fight or Flight” gives us a quick introduction to Commissar Cain as the newly appointed officer to the Valhallan 12^th Field Artillery, fresh out of commissar school, as they finish wiping out some orks, and then are suddenly surprised by tyranids. The bugs attack, and we are given insight into Cain as he tries (unsuccessfully) to flee. However, we also see how he manages to turn the situation around, as it would appear he puts his own life on the line to save Jurgan, a likeable person steadfast in his duty to the Emperor, but whose personal issues (which are detailed with evident relish) eventually cause him to be assigned to Cain as his aide.

“For the Emperor” takes place years later, when Cain is assigned to a new Valhallan Infantry division. And Division is a rather apt name. After facing hideous losses on Corania, the Valhallan 296^th and 301^st were amalgamated into one, but were now called the Valhallan 296/301. Needless to say, this causes a bit of friction, especially when you consider that the 301 is an all female unit, and the 296 is an all male unit. Shortly after Cain’s arrival to the transport ship, there is a rather large and brutal melee in the mess hall, and after all is said and done, the 597^th is formed (296 plus 301).

The new division’s first assignment is to a planet called Gravalax, where the reader is introduced to the race known as tau. I can’t/won’t go into much more, as it would spoil a good bit of the surprise towards the end, but we do find something out about Jurgen, his aide.

As I previously stated, the majority of the authors are British, and Sandy Mitchell (really Alex Stewart) is no exception, with the characteristic dry humor. One of the funniest descriptions in this first book is when he’s talking about the marching band: “…and the band thumping and parping away at If I Should Forget Thee, O Terra as though they had a grudge against the composer.”

A little bit later, Cain and a friend had been drinking the local liquor. “...and I glanced around while Divas communed loudly with the Emperor in a convenient gutter.”

In “Echoes of the Tomb”, the second short story, Cain (and the reader) is given his first introduction to the necrons, and takes place before his stint with the Valhallan 597^th. Soulless beings of metal, these creatures can reform and repair themselves much like the liquid metal Terminator from the movie “Judgment Day”. It also shows the single-mindedness of the tech-priests. Devotees of the Martian technological equivalent of the Emperor, most tech-priests willingly undergo augmentic surgery to replace their ‘meat parts’ with metal equivalents. This also is a foreshadowing for the second novel in the omnibus, “Caves of Ice”.

Fresh off of the deployment to Gravalax, the Valhallan 597^th is sent to the ice world of Simia Orichalcae. As you can imagine, an infantry regiment going to an ice world is rather a cause for celebration amongst the troops, a fact that is shown when Cain is forced a couple of times to break up snowball fights.

This deployment is about defending a promethium refinery from rampaging orks. Promethium is the fuel that drives the Imperium…literally. Infact, one of the edits that Inquisitor Vail provides is an informational pamphlet for the newcomer about the wonders of promethium. Inquisitor Vail also provides a transcript of one of the meetings, which shows still more of the dry British humor: “Colonel Kasteen called the meeting to order. Then she called it to order again. Major Brocklaw fired his bolt pistol into the ceiling, and the meeting came to order.”

As the orks are advancing from halfway across the planet, it is revealed that several miners have gone missing. Cain suspects that the orks might have found another way in and decides it’s vitally important to investigate the mines (not really, this is just his way of avoiding a sure fight on the surface). In the deep mines, they discover that this is also a necron tomb-world, and the need to seal the mines from the deep menace is paramount.

The third and final short story, “The Beguiling”, is Cain’s first introduction to the forces and followers of Chaos, especially Slaanesh, the Prince of Pleasure. To a true follower of Slaanesh, any sensation is the epitome of pleasure. A noise, a smell, someone cutting off your hand…all is ecstatic, almost orgasmic pleasure. Again, this short story features Cain and his aide Jurgan, who by now you all now has a special talent.

In “The Traitor’s Hand”, the forces of Chaos have been making raids through a couple planetary systems and for some reason, unknown at this time, the warp currents in the area are all heading in one direction. Taking place on a planet that has no rotation, Adumbria Prime, the Valhallans are given the defense of the “cold side”, while a regiment from Tallarn, a desert world, are given the defense of the “hot side”. From the opening pages of the novel, it’s obvious there’s no love lost between these two regiments, and it carries over a bit to the Lord General in charge of this operation. In fact, later in the book, the Lord General Zyvan tells the Tallarn colonel off a bit, and this is the descriptive of the after-effects: “The implied rebuke to Asmar was about as subtle as an ork breaking wind, and the Tallarn colonel’s face coloured slightly.” Gotta love that British humor.

At one point, Cain was riding in an elevator, and the way it’s described made me laugh out loud: “After about thirty seconds of tedium, made even worse by a scratchy recording of Death to the Deviant apparently performed by tone-deaf ratlings with nose flutes…”

Chaos being…well…chaotic, there’s no apparent rhyme or reason to the attacks as the invading forces arrive. It’s only after much investigation and some hindsight that Cain is able to pick up on what the goals are in this invasion: I can’t tell you…haha! That would spoil it. However, I will say that someone that Cain met in “The Beguiling” makes another, slightly different, appearance.

All in all, this is a huge book, but well worth the price and the time it takes to read it. The “editorial notes” by the Inquisitor put give a decent description to a reader unfamiliar with the setting, as do the novels themselves. In fact, I’d say that this would be a great book for the beginning Warhammer 40k reader, as it gives good descriptions of pretty much anything, including the equipment used by the Imperial Guard. And, as a bonus, it’s nowhere near as bloody as the majority of the other books in the setting.

The Commissar Cain books have been a favorite of mine for some time now, and I’m glad I went through the omnibus again for this review.

My rating: 9 feathers out of 10.

pre-review blog. Warhammer 40,000 setting and terminology

2010-09-11T01:56:00.000-04:00

    Before I jump into my first book review, there is some terminology that is frequently used in the Warhammer 40,000 (or 40k) setting. So frequently, in fact, that most of what's listed below is used in just about every single novel. Therefore, not only have I compiled a list of terms and their definitions that a reader will run into and, if new to the setting often have questions about the first few times they are used, I have also summarized the setting for the new reader.
     After conquering much of the galaxy, Warp storms prevented humanity from leaving Terra for thousands of years, leaving the rest of the galaxy to devolve or be conquered by the many alien races. Ten thousand years before this present day, the being now known only as the Emperor used his own flesh to genetically engineer twenty super-human warriors known as the Primarchs, His sons. Created to be the most powerful warriors in the galaxy and virtually immortal, the Primarchs were swept mysteriously away before leaving infancy and deposited on remote, deadly planets. There they grew to dominance amongst the local populations.
     Having appeared to have failed at His task, the Emperor used left-over genetic material from the Primarchs to create the Space Marines and set about re-conquering the galaxy. Almost immortal themselves, the Space Marines were created for no other purpose than war. Gathered into twenty Legions ten-thousand strong, one for each Primarch, they were armed and armored with the very best of equipment. As they expanded outward, the Emperor was reunited with the long lost sons. After several hundred years of fighting, the most beloved and trusted son, Warmaster Horus, sold his soul to the Chaos gods and betrayed the Emperor, beginning what is now known as the Horus Heresy. Fully half of the Primarchs and their Legions followed him in worship of the Chaos gods. As the followers of Horus closed in on the Emperor's palace on Terra, the Emperor teleported to Horus' ship and, in hand to hand combat, slew his favorite son. Mortally wounded himself, the Emperor was placed in stasis upon the Golden Throne, yet his powerful psychic abilities were not diminished in any way.
     Worshiped as a living god even before the Heresy, worship of the Emperor is now mandatory. It is the 41st Millennium. The Imperium of Man is spread across the galaxy, with Holy Terra being the seat of power. Humanity is beset on all sides by aliens, by mutants, and worshipers of the dark gods of Chaos.

Terms:
     PDF- Planetary Defence Force. Basically like the National Guard here in the States.
     Arbites (Are-BITE-ease)- local police forces. Think Judge Dredd, only with out the judging rights, only arrests.
     Astartes (a-START-ease)- Space Marines. Grouped into 1000 man strong Chapters.
     Commissars- attached to military groups as a political and morale officer. Granted the right to punish and/or execute any who they find lacking in respect, duty, or following the Emperor. Judge Dredd, with judging rights.

     Ministorum- organization of the Imperium overseeing the worship of the Emperor. Think the Vatican.
     Administratum- organization of the Imperium overseeing the daily tasks. The administrators, quill pushers, etc.
     Imperial Guard-standard army type.
   Inquisition-much like the people in the Spanish Inquisition, able to do basically anything they want to ferret out heretics. Much like the SS in Nazi Germany


Aliens
     Tyranids-race of beings the equivalent of locusts. Each planet they destroy makes them stronger, bigger, and better.
     Eldar- space Elves
     Dark Eldar- space Elves, corrupted by Chaos
     Necrons- skeletal beings of metal that can re-form themselves. Think combination of Terminator 1 and 2.
   Tau-humanoids that have a rigid caste system based on Nature. Fire-warriors. Earth-builders. Water-ambassadors and diplomats. Air-pilots
     Orks- big, tough humanoids whose DNA is partially fungal. can have an arm chopped off in battle, reach down and pick it up, and beat the one that chopped it off to death with it.
     Daemons-demons of Chaos

I will add to this list, I'm sure, in later blogs. But this gives you the general idea of the setting and peoples of the Warhammer 40k realm.

Music review: The Puppet Master--King Diamond

2010-09-01T02:03:00.001-04:00

For my first CD review, I'm going to do a CD by King Diamond. If you don't know who King Diamond is, I'm not going to give his entire illustrious career; you can go to http://www.covenworldwide.org for that.

     King Diamond is the consummate horror story writer and teller, probably one of the best since H.P. Lovecraft. Few writers have made me squirm and shudder like they do. In an interview at http://metalisrael.com/2005/10/48/exclusive-king-diamond-interview-part-1/, King Diamond states that he writes all of the lyrics and most of the music for his albums. His primary focus in his solo career seem to be concept album: CDs that tell a story and each song is a part of that story...much like an opera.
   His lyrics are splendidly written, and with such a detail that leaves no doubt as to what's going on in the story. The songs and the whole story that the songs tell wouldn't be out of place on a dark and stormy night when the power goes out.
   This brings us to the album to be reviewed: The Puppet Master. The setting is in Budapest in the 18th Century. The first song, Midnight, gives a hint of what's to come. The main character is reflecting on what has happened. Something about a cellar, a show...and blood.
   Now, I'm not going to go song by song detailing what the story is about as some reviewers might. There are plenty of places online where you can find the lyrics and get the story that way. To me, it takes a lot out of the story if I do that. I'd much rather hear the story with the music. However, I will tell you that the main premise of the album is that the story is coming from the point of view of a puppet that's been given eternal life.
     Darkly melodic seems to be the standard for all King Diamond albums, and this is certainly no exception. With the addition of Livia Zita singing on three of the songs, it brings an even deeper harmony to what's normally just King singing. In fact, she plays the part of his love on the album, Victoria. King Diamond has such a vocal range that he probably could have been an opera singer if he tried just a little. True, some of the high notes that were prevalent on the album Abigail just aren't here on The Puppet Master, but the addition of Livia more than makes up for it.
     All in all, The Puppet Master is my favorite King Diamond album. Rich in story, melody and harmony, this album really has a depth that's missing in most music today. He has a passion about his music that, while most artists try to match it, few actually make it.
     My rating: 9 feathers out of 10