Yes, another rant about Wal-Mart. There’s so much to write about it, this is why it gets its own series.

So, I was in Wal-Mart the other day, looking at Christmas stuff. I went early in the morning as per usual, to avoid dumb people, or so I thought. It seemed awfully crowded for a weekday morning; I don’t know what was up at all, probably just getting to be Christmas season. But anyway, the main aisle was full of your usual assorted Wal-Mart weirdos; ten year old skipping school, obese mothers, old people staring at you, etc.  So, I went directly to the Christmas decorations, which consists of several aisles, most of which were empty except for a few people.

Ever notice how being alone in an aisle seems to attracts people like flies? “Oh, look they are looking at something, now I want it too!” seems to be what these creeps are thinking. And I don’t like it. Pick something up, and watch their eyes follow the object. Then you turn your back and BAM they pick out same thing and put it in their cart. It seems people don’t have their own taste, and must rely on YOU. Yay! They do say imitation is the best form of flattery, though.

So this happened to me in Wal-Mart. I’m alone in this aisle, and all the sudden it’s like, three people are in this aisle, slowly creeping up on me, sneaking glances over my shoulder as to what I am looking at. I wasn’t even planning on buying anything, I was just looking. The smothering effect was incredible. I had to get my butt out of there. On to the next aisle…

In this aisle were stockings. Not so bad you may be thinking. But what I saw was more horrifying than anyone could imagine. Just think of your eyes being burned out, same effect as what I saw. Something no one should be exposed to. It was… *sob*… a Justin Bieber stocking. Just picture his little douchebag face staring at you. And then under this shelf was, Justin Bieber ornaments… with the same douchey pout on his face. That was enough. I had it for the day. That’s nothing I want to see for Christmas. Or anytime, for that matter…

I left after that with the horrifying image of that girly face staring at me. Just out of curiosity, I wonder how many of those stockings will be left after the Christmas clearout? I’ll have to check, and then I’ll have another rant for Tales of Wal-Mart!

A month or so back I was shopping in Old Navy. For once it was not that crowded, and I was having a fun leisurely experience taking my sweet time enjoying myself. I had found a nice top and was just looking around at the other stuff for the heck of it.

No one was bugging me, until I made the mistake of going around the wrong corner of a clothing rack. Right there in front of me is like a herd of five salespeople chatting amongst themselves. No big deal, right?

Well, of course the oldest male steps right up and has to ask, “Did you find everything you are looking for?”

What am I supposed to say to that? “No, buddy, as a matter of fact I was looking for some jeans in size such and such, can you come help me find them?!” OF COURSE I’M GONNA SAY YES I FOUND EVERYTHING I WAS LOOKING FOR!!!

So yeah, I politely answer the guy. Ugh. Along my merry way now…

At this point I am heading back to the dressing room area in the middle of the store.  Some boots or something catches my eye, so I’m heading toward those happily.  Behind me I hear some shouting but I think nothing of it, since there’s already a lot of noise happening in a store like that.  I hear this voice about three times in the distance. All the sudden this voice is RIGHT behind me yelling,”HEY, HEY!!!”

I turn around surprised. I almost jumped; this woman was so loud behind me. She has this fake looking smile plastered on her face, yet is looking at me like I’m the tard for not paying attention when she was way in the distance. So I am kind of annoyed at this point. I thought I had dropped something or the like, and she was trying to return it, hence the yelling.

Then I see her little Old Navy employee tag. And she shoves a flyer in my hand and starts ranting about how if I spend $50 or more I get some free stuff, or something, I don’t really know because I was barely listening due to her obnoxious behavior.  I force smiled and tried to get away. She keeps rambling about this great deal when I know all I am buying is this $24 top. I managed to shrug her off and decided it was time to go pay for this thing and get the eff out.

So after waiting in a line, that everyone joins just because someone else did and they don’t want to be the only ones in it, I pay for my top and then the cashier asks for an email. Like eff guys I don’t say it out loud and give it to Old freaking Navy so they can send me spam.

The workers do a good enough job of that in person. PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN SHOP IN PEACE!!! I CAN READ YOUR DEAL SIGNS WHEN THEY ARE ALL OVER THE EFFING STORE!!!

I wonder if they get commission or something for following you.  Stalkers.

If there’s one thing Wal-Mart does well, it’s selectively placing product in strategic fashion. However, they don’t seem to want to have to maintain the product or its displays.

All they have to do to clear out a selected item, let’s say, expired cookies, for instance, is place the display unit in such a manner that everyone will notice it. Usually this means the middle of an aisle, creating two smaller aisles that irritate the average shopper. Why is this? Because on either smaller aisle will be a fatty leaning on a cart, looking at the selected item, thus creating a long trip around the side aisles to get around, or waiting impatiently for big butt to move. OH, LOOK IT SAYS ROLLBACK – when the original price was 2.99, now it’s ‘rolled back’ to 2.89. Woo. Load up lard butts. Yet this marketing ploy works. Come back the next day and you will see the shelf is now half full.

Anyway, my original point was a different story. Being spring time, I like to find good, cheap bedding plants. Wal-Mart does get them first, and as long as you go right as soon as they get the shipment, the plants are a fantastic deal, and healthy. Until Wal-Mart can do as they please with them.

Some of these plants you would have to pay double on elsewhere if you wait. Actually, most. So in general it’s best to load up before they destroy them. I live in a climate where it still freezes at night until mid-May, so the store has to leave the shelves full of plants indoors. This means they aren’t getting sun obviously… but they could get water. However, I guess Wal-Mart doesn’t realize these are living plants.

Remember Wal-Mart’s golden rule – PUSH THE PRODUCT!!!

You can tell all they want to do is sell the plants, before they have to give them any care. It’s actually quite disgusting. So I got my plants, not only because they were cheap, but really, to save them from the complete lack of care they were about to receive.

About a week later, I thought I’d check them out again in case they got some different types to load up on. Oh, they did… but now they were abusing their power. One tomato plant for almost two dollars. Why is this? Because for some reason around here people will pay anything for tomato plants. I don’t get it. But I do know later you can get four packs for the same price at other places. So I definitely passed on that. Then the plants that were left over from last time were still there. I didn’t know whether to be angry or laugh at the incompetence.

These poor plants were clearly not watered ever since the first time I went. They were wilted and some were dead. They just leave them there on display. “Two dollars for dead plants that we don’t care about!!!”

Oh, and did I forget to mention that they use extremely cheap soil that dries up super fast? It’s horrible. If you buy plants there transplant them right away. It’s amazing how a company with so much money will totally cheap out to save money… and don’t care if they lose plants aka profit?!

Anyway, if you know what you are dealing with you can get great deals. But, with Wal-mart, you have to know your stuff.

You can’t go once to Wal-Mart without something interesting happening. Although this Wal-Mart event dates back to the Christmas holidays, it still sticks in my mind as a Tale of Wal-Mart rant.

OK, so day after Christmas sales a.k.a. Boxing Day sales here in Canada are like U.S. holiday Black Friday sales. Everything goes cheap, and the freaks come in droves. Unfortunately, a video game I wanted was on super cheap at, low and behold, Wal-Mart. After being closed on Christmas Day, the store was open early at 7 am. I live in a smaller city so I thought if I went slightly after opening, the crowds would dissipate and I’d be good. The parking lot was practically empty so this really had me going for awhile. Until I saw the electronics section.

In my Wal-Mart, the electronics section is at the back of the store, with the electronics section checkout at the right part of it.  There was a line up down the whole aisle with the checkout, extending around and back down the next aisle. A line up full of fatties and simpletons galore. But mostly fatties.

So, anyway, of course the game I wanted was in the aisle with the checkout. My only option at this point was to join the line and wait to get to the gaming part. *Sigh*.

In front of me in the line, is a simpleton, who can’t stop turning around and looking at me for no apparent reason, listening to every word people are saying in their conversations. With her, it appears at this point, to be her mother or some family member, who is darn near obese, leaning on a cart, which is empty. This alone is taking up too much space for customers, so of course everyone is glaring at her but she doesn’t take the hint.

I give this woman benefit of a doubt, thinking perhaps her cart is empty because she is waiting to buy a large TV or gaming system. After fifteen minutes of waiting and having this fat simpleton turning around to stare on occasion, I realize this line was not to pay, it was only to choose a game!!! At this point I am about to snap, but see the douche worker and ask for that game I wanted. He picks it out and adds it to his stack of like ten games and says you can’t have it until you are about to pay. This was an outrage. So, there is the stack sitting at the checkout and you can’t touch it until you ask the guy to pick it out at the checkout. Furious, I wait another fifteen minutes, behind fatty, just to get to pay for it.

But this is not the point of my rant. The main rant was this fatty. On the second wait, her cart is still empty. Douche worker comes by again and she has the nerve to ask the guy, if he can pick out a certain DVD for her from a bin two aisles away!! He says to her she will have to go check and that isn’t part of his job. She still stays in line, hogging up space with her effing cart.

Finally, it is her turn to “pay” for what I’d like to know, because the cart is still empty and she won’t budge to go look for her DVD because she will lose her place in line. Selfish broad says to the manager who happened to be running the checkout, the same question after he looks blankly in her cart and sees nothing. “Can you help me find such and such movie?”

Continued blank stare from manager. “The bin is over there, you will have to look through it yourself. For now, you must get out of the way of paying customers.”

She slowly pushes her cart out of the way and stands there, as if the pressure of her presence will force him to leave his post and find her DVD. This slob actually thought she was so special she could hold up a line for a half hour and get custom service, at Wal-Mart. Go figure.

Finally, I get my game and I get the heck out of there. The fatty was still there last I checked, with about fifteen people waiting to pay. Like they are supposed to wait while the cashier/ manager runs off to get her movies. Incredible.

How  many times must I say this – Fatties think the world revolves around them.

Watch this:

OK, so a dumb woman is sooo into her effing texting that she can’t see anything around her, due to her own moronic-ness, that she walks into a mall fountain. *Insert laughter here*. But to add to the laughs… she is suing the mall!! Now this is hilarious.

I do not pity this pathetic woman. She admits she works there and can’t remember the giant fountain in the middle of her own mall. It’s bad enough to see teenagers doing this but a grown adult, this is even more funny.

“Wah, nobody helped me.” Please… you didn’t want to be helped lady! The video proves, you quickly got up and ran away from the scene… understandably, due to embarrassment. But then don’t expect help when nobody even knew what happened!! What help do you want? “Hey, dumbazz, can I help you out of the water?” You sure got out fine on your own. But I’m sure your first concern was the cell phone’s condition. And how to profit from this.

Can you sue for being an idiot? Does this mean if someone walks into a lamp post, they can sue the city for putting it there? If you trip on someone’s car in a parking lot, can you sue them for parking there? Or better yet, the store for allowing people to park in their spots? Lady, I should sue you for wasting my time because you want my pity for being a selfish, retarded moron.

Maybe if you’d stop texting, you’d see the sign that said wet floor, since now you blame that too. Anything but yourself, right? Something tells me if she walked into another person, she’d be blaming them for getting in her way. I wonder if she’d sue them?

I hope your cell phone got fried. And you know what? Should have kept your mouth shut, because now the whole world sees what an idiot you are. And not just general public, but your co-workers who now must stifle back their laughter and tolerate your dumbness.

Oh, and don’t forget to go after the cell phone company for having a phone that can’t tolerate water.

Around this time of year, I enjoy scouting out Christmas decorations and such. Unfortunately there aren’t many options around my area, and this usually leads to – you guessed it, dreaded Wal-Mart.

So I figure I would go early in the morning to avoid the typical trash. Now you are thinking, if this plan had worked out I wouldn’t be writing this rant. And correct you are.

I went to the Christmas area, which was empty at the time. To get there I only dodged one or two fatties so this wasn’t that bad at this point. So there are aisles and aisles of decorations and ornaments and that kind of thing, and I am quite pumped. This feeling can only last so long, however, because this is Wal-Mart and Wal-Mart is not known for happiness. Except for the owners who are rich thanks to simpletons, but that’s beside the point.

Anyway, I was near the end of one aisle at this point. Then Fatty #1 comes along with her cart. You know the situation – fatty about half a ton, wearing blown out ankle no name Uggs, sweat pants, and frumpy shirt, fried bleached blonde hair in 1988 style ponytail, leaning on her cart to support all the weight. She’s right in the middle of course, so going around either side is not an option. The only thing I can do is reverse my path and go back and around. Fatty disappears.

Something in this same aisle catches my eye so I stop to look at it. Along comes another fatty but this one is minding her own business. Thinking nothing of it, I am distracted by something else while this fatty disappears. As I walk back where she was standing, I smell an awful odor. It was like a cloud. Clearly, this fatty hadn’t bathed for a long, long time. Would it hurt to pop into the shower before shopping? Like wow.

After this disturbing ordeal, I head down another aisle to get to the electronics part, where I wanted to look for a DVD or something. On the way there I discover a nasty bum, wearing a coat from approximately 1993, and heavy mittens for the temperature, and another fatty wearing no name blown out ankle Uggs. And *cough* another cloud of nasty sweat smell.

At this point, I’ve had enough. It’s not even welfare day and it’s getting crowded. I will now remember to go extra early. But then there won’t be future rants. Scratch that. It’s Wal-Mart. There’s always a rant for Wal-Mart.

As winter approaches, more and more people are switching footwear to Uggs. Personally I can’t stand these things because everyone wears them and it gets sickening and monotonous to look at. But if you are going to wear them, please, please, I am begging you, wear them right!

So here are the reasons and/or ways NOT to wear them – please pay attention.

1. Don’t wear them because everyone else does. This is probably the reason half of people wear them. It’s dumb. “Oh, everyone else has them I MUST have them too!” Mmhmm. And if they jump off a bridge you’d do it too? I mean honestly if your purpose is pure fashion by all means do it, but for the most part people are just following the crowd. Go along, sheep.

2. If you are a fatty with fat calves. One word – yuck. OK look I know you think are fashionable, but bloated calves busting out the sides of these boots is just not cool. Not only are you wasting your money ruining them, but it looks dumb to have funnel shaped footwear. Nasty.

3. You think you are instant fashion closet. Uggs do not make you instantly fashionable when you are wearing clothes that aren’t. When you are wearing a dirty hoodie, and leggings with your cellulite butt showing, you are not cool. They are a fashion boot even if they aren’t the prettiest things around. And greasy hair – oh wow, such fashion and style! These Uggs will change that! Please. Learn how to dress. Pulling on these things doesn’t undo the messy rest of you.

4. Wearing them for the sake of wearing. No, no , no! They are a cozy boot! They are meant for winter and sometimes chilly fall days! Not summer, when you’re sweating all gross, just because you think you are so cool to wear these dumb things! I dont care if you bought them in August at +37C/98F… you do NOT wear them until its cool out. People don’t admire you. They are laughing. Laughing at your arrogance that you think you are better than everyone with your cool boots. Pathetic. Can’t you get attention otherwise?

5. You think Wal-Mart specials are the same. I am sorry, but they are not. They are cheap azz quality lacking complete style. However, if you are fat and not listening to  step 2, these are for you. When your fat ankles ruin the entire structural integrity of the boot, you can replace them fast and cheap. But if you are normal, save your money and go for the big ones. You get what you pay for.

6. You think wearing them with sweat pants is acceptable. It’s not. You look like a freaking slob. Did you just jump out of bed and are too lazy to shower and dress like a sane person? Sweats are for home use. Not going out in public. Except maybe Wal-Mart for you true losers. PJ pants same thing – don’t do it. The pants will slide out anyway, looking even more retarded. They are meant to be worn with slim fitting pants such as leggings and skinny jeans. Nothing else. But if you are fat, stay away entirely. Read my rant Fat Chick + Skinny Jeans = Ew for more details.

7. The ankles are completely worn out. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this. It makes me angry. Ok, so your dumb boots have worn out. REPLACE THEM.  Go buy the dumb Wal-Mart substitute and enjoy. Just don’t go around with these ruined ones thinking you are still cool. Ridiculous.

The next one is important people. Please read.

8. YOU GET ANGRY AT US NON-UGG WEARERS. Ok, I love boots, just not Uggs. If I want to get funky boots with buckles and heels and whatever, I can do that. I can spend my money on non-Ugg boots, ok? Don’t get mad at me… GO BUY SOME FASHION BOOTS IF YOU ARE SO JEALOUS!!! I am sick and tired of getting dirty looks out of jealousy. It’s not right. Don’t do it. Next one that does it I’m gonna laugh at you and your noname, blow-out ankle, fatty fitting Uggs, with sweat pants sticking out. Don’t be hating.

On that note, I commend the Uggs company. Pure genius. Charge hundreds for boots for people to all be the same. Congratulations.

I think my title says it all…

Look, it’s so simple, fatties. It’s bad enough you won t lose weight. It’s disgraceful how you stuff your face and don’t seem to give a cr4p about how it looks, or how many pounds you will gain.. but really, why must us others suffer by seeing your hideous butt-crack, surrounded by folds and folds of bare skinned muffin top?

I can’t remember where I was when I saw this horror- well it’s been more than once, and it was probably in Wal-Mart- but this is sadly a true statement.

My jaw literally dropped. This fatty, was clearly like size 22… poured into about a 15-16… so naturally there isn’t enough butt space to cover your fat azz, so the jeans must sit on the hips. Remember, skinny girls where low-rise, so fat ones can too! Anyway, the force of flab pushes the jeans down to slide over the butt-crack, thus revealing a nasty three inches of pure azz. With cellulite. I’d say cottage cheese azz but the mention of food will want fatties to eat. Continuing on, the flab pushing down becomes the dreaded muffin top. Sometimes more than one. And because, the flab is too wide, you lose shirt space, making your shirt appear small and short, showing off bare skin. Bare skin that hangs over the sides of the jeans. In one word – nasty.

The more shocking part is why they can’t feel the draft, or actually do and don’t care. I’ve seen people laughing and these fatties don’t know why. Are you serious? I’d be completely humiliated.

GET IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD. YOU ARE NOT A SIZE 9 OR WHATEVER YOUR DERANGED MIND THINKS… YOU ARE A 22, YOU ARE A PLUS SIZE, YOU ARE NASTY, LOSE SOME WEIGHT BUT MEANWHILE PLEASE GO SHOP IN PLUS SIZE SECTION AND COVER UR NASTY AZZ.

SKINNY JEANS ARE NAMED THAT FOR A REASON NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE TELLS YOU… THERES NO SUCH THING AS FAT SKINNY…

JUST PLEASE STOP IT. ATLEAST COVER UP. AND IF YOU DONT, EXPECT LAUGHTER OK? NOW GO EAT. THERE I SAID IT. BUT IM SURE YOUR EATING NOW ALREADY. WIPE THOSE CRUMBS OFF YOUR SKINNY JEANS.

With it being Halloween – as I write this – I thought I’d rant about it. I’m not a kid anymore so the fun of it is practically done with it, except for the half price candy on November 1. Anyway, I will tell you why it is no longer fun, not to be a killjoy. If you enjoy handing candy out to greedy little impolite effers, so be it. Go answer your door and toss away perfectly good candy.

OK, that candy ain’t free. It costs money. And the way people are more and more greedy is insane. When I trick-or-treated, which wasn’t that long ago, one chocolate bar was sufficient to please any kid. Then it was two. Now it’s like five is barely acceptable. Boo hoo. And the companies give you less in those boxes so it costs more and more to compensate. Now you got to buy like six boxes at 12.99 apiece. Now I’m no math genius –far from it- but thats like … too much money. And do the kids care?

NO!! They grab it without saying thank you, sometimes even lie to get extras. Then they toss the wrapper on your lawn as they run across it to the next house. Pure greed, plain and simple. I was always told to say thank you. Then they will make fun of the candy you chose to give to those little blankety-blanks. “Oh, I am sooooo sick of these.” “I hate *fill in the blank chocolate bar*.” Well you know what, brat?! DON’T ACCEPT IT THEN!!! IT WASN’T FREE FOR ME!!!

Anyway, I have some candy to eat. Don’t let the bad kids ruin your fun. There’s a few decent ones. Happy Halloween.

Fatties rejoice! Your dreams have come true! A new cholesterol laden, fat loaded, grease soaked monstrosity is here, just for you! Be ready to add more pounds to your overloaded body! If you don’t care about your health, this is for you!

The KFC Double Down is made for you!

In case you don’t know what this horror is, it is a disgusting concoction clearly created to increase the profits of a greedy company, while not caring about the ill effects on the populations.

The Double Down is like a burger. But this thing has no bun. Instead, it has two pieces of over salted, deep fried breaded chicken as the bun. In between these are two slices of over processed gloppy cheese, and a few fatty, slices of bacon that seem to be soaked in grease for flavour. And don’t forget your ‘special’ sauce! Add on more calories! Add on more fat! Obesity at its finest!

However, I see their point. If you are that dumb, go ahead, give them your money and eat that trash. After all, what’s a few more pounds, right, tubby?

They seem to advertise that you can “brag” that you consumed this mess. Oh, wow, tell everyone you ate a day’s worth of sodium! Congratulations! I’m jealous that your giant belly is even more fat! And look – you now have three muffin tops instead of two!! And now you are eating muffins aren’t you? Pathetic.

Do you ever stop to think what you are doing to yourself, fatso? Do you have a death wish? I guess you can’t resist such a tantalizing treat. Extra calories never hurt anyone right? And don’t get mad at KFC, they are just capitalizing on your lack of intelligence and self esteem. When people laugh at you when your car sinks when you get in it, don’t blame them. Blame your total lack of self control.

No, it is not a disease. A disease you don’t get by choice. You chose to eat that garbage. You chose to add on those fries. You chose to eat a day’s worth of salt in one meal. Now go eat that slop, and sulk. Then blame KFC.  That’s right, we all believe that, the corporations planted something in the food to make you eat more of them. Mmhmm. And I suppose KFC told you to eat that Twinkie for dessert?

CAN YOU EVER JUST EFFING SAY NO TO FOOD?! I don’t know what makes me more sick, the food or watching fat people getting off on it.

On that note, I commend KFC. You are a smart company, you make money, fatties are happy, and the rest of us get to laugh. When you have to upgrade from size 18 to 24, you have issues. That’s right fatty, go eat another Double Down. The world is out to get you.