Never Better

Basically... I'm a bitch.

2009-07-02T21:49:00.002-05:00

STFU Marrieds posted my submission. That was quick. If anyone happens to visit the link and knows the people in question... please don't rat me out to them. STFU is only for bitter single people like myself. The married, coupled, and sentimental have no place there.

I've been thinking a lot about how I sometimes feel irritated with people for not being prepared. Mostly this pertains to theatre, at least at the moment, but it has happened in the past at jobs - the law firm, the Vidette. I frequently find myself thinking, "I would do this differently - and better. I would run more efficient rehearsals that didn't waste anyone's time." And then I get annoyed with myself for being such a bitch, even if I would never actually voice these opinions.

And it's sort of hypocritical, because maybe the things I think are a waste of time are actually vitally important to a given director. Maybe my actors have, from time to time, though, "Why is Kellie spending so much time on something that doesn't matter? Why is she making me wait around while she... duct-tapes a strobe light to the ceiling? Can't she do that later? When I'm at home, watching TV and getting stoned?" You never know. So, the point is, I guess, I need to learn some patience.

Shakespearean Phrases I Want to "Bring Back"

2009-06-30T22:19:00.004-05:00

* "Cock and pie!"
* "scurvy jack-a-nape priest"
* "As sure as his guts are made of puddings."
* "the reek of a lime-kiln"
* "leman"
* "polecat"
* "lubberly"
* "[I will] smite his noddles"

Side note: I sent in my first submission to STFU Marrieds today. Can't wait to see if it gets posted.

On Tact

2009-06-26T23:52:00.003-05:00

Today at rehearsal, someone asked me, "How did you get that nasty scar?"

It's really rare that people ask me that. Most people insist that unless I bring them up, they don't notice my scars. But whenever someone does ask about them, I always wonder how many people notice but are too polite to say anything.

And I drive now

2009-06-26T22:05:00.004-05:00

Today was my last exam for my summer course. Not really a final, since not cumulative. I kind of can't believe it's over. I thought I would be stuck with a B+, but I have recalculated and now I think I'm going to get an 91.1% - solid A-, yay!

I'm in three shows right now - a staged reading at the KNOW Theatre on July 4, the Mental Health Players' annual musical on July 14-17, and EPAC's Merry Wives of Windsor opening in August. Oh, and Amanda and I are doing Monologues & Madness in the city on 7/6. It's a crowded calendar, especially considering that not that long ago I barely left the house more than once a week. I went from 0 to 60, that's for sure.

My mood hasn't been great, but it's definitely better than it was before I moved. I'm still depressed, but my symptoms are mild most days - just fatigue, apathy, sadness. I only have a really bad crying-and-hating-myself-and-wanting-to-die day about once a week, which is much more manageable.

How real this can get

2009-06-09T20:48:00.004-05:00

I had a revelation today: There's a difference between coping and enduring. I have endured a lot, but that doesn't mean that I have good coping skills. I have forced myself to do things when I didn't want to. I have functioned despite unimaginable exhaustion. I have smiled when I wanted to kill myself. But maybe that's not what coping is. Maybe there's something better.

Neither Here Nor There

2009-06-01T21:32:00.007-05:00

Had a pretty good, pretty uneventful weekend. My symptoms were pretty mild both days, and today as well. I had my online test, which was a source of a completely reasonable amount of anxiety, but I'm sure I did fine. I'm starting to get somewhere with my attempts to get involved in theatre and volunteering, which is going to be good for me.

I went to the DBSA support group tonight, and a woman there said some really upsetting things. I actually confronted her, sort of, and even though nothing came of it and the situation was in no way resolved, I was still proud of myself for saying something instead of sitting there quietly biting my tongue and hating myself, which I think by now everyone knows is my usual M.O.

It just bothers me when people oversimplify depression and suicidal feelings. It's just so judgmental and condescending to say that people attempt suicide for attention or to get revenge. That is probably a component for some, but it's a lot more complex than that. It drives me crazy when people say that a suicide attempt is a "cry for help," and dismiss all of their symptoms and suffering so casually. As though a cry for help is a reason to deny help. As though the only people worthy of treatment are those who are already dead. It's not really fair to say that "If someone is really suicidal, they wouldn't talk about it, they would just do it and get it over with."

Suicidal impulses occur on a continuum, it's not really accurate to describe someone as "suicidal" or "not suicidal," it's not really a binary state, it's a matter of degrees. Even if suicide is just an impulse, and not a definite course of action, it is still a sign that something very serious is wrong. Whether or not a person acts on their suicidal thoughts and feelings is not an absolute guide to the degree of their suffering.

There will always be some degree of ambivalence - if for no other reason, then because instinct is a strong force, a force that wants to keep existing. It's like I wrote in Like Dreaming, Backwards - "Your physical drive to live can undermine your mind's desire to die. Your instincts to breathe are hard to overcome. You can't bear another second of misery - but your heart just refuses to stop beating. It has some nerve."

Mood Disorders

2009-05-30T16:37:00.004-05:00

My class has gotten a little more interesting, but I'm constantly surprised by how much of the material I'm already familiar with. I have my first test on Monday (of four total). That should give me an idea of how hard I'll have to work to get my 'A'.

Now that I'm a student, with an ID and everything, I decided to try to get counseling services. When I asked if I was eligible, they told me I was, and I got an appointment. But then at the end of my appointment, the clinician ended up telling me that I should just stick with Broome County. Ironic, given that BCMH is telling all their patients to find services somewhere else if they can.

I left feeling counseling services feeling horrible. It's so frustrating to keep telling people over and over that I'm on the edge of another suicide attempt, and having them tell me they can't or won't help me. It makes me feel like no one will take me seriously. It's cruel to make people with emotional distress and distorted perception jump through all these fucking hoops. Every time I'm turned away, I lose a little more hope. And I really didn't have any extra to begin with.

I Think My Professor Is the Same Age as Me

2009-05-26T14:43:00.002-05:00

Today was the first day of my Behavior Disorders class. I was anxious/excited about it, but it was basically a review of crap I learned in high school. I'm hoping that's only because it was the first day, and that I might actually get to learn some new things eventually. Otherwise, it's going to make the hour that I have to spend riding the city bus every day pretty pointless.

Feeling Strangely Fine

2009-05-24T21:49:00.002-05:00

I think I probably used that title once before, but it fits with my day. I have been more optimistic today than I have been in at least six months. Nothing happened to make today an especially good day, and yet, somehow, I found myself thinking about my future like I might actually like to have one. How can I feel that way more often? What caused me to be relatively cheerful for almost six straight hours? And why is it that just asking myself these questions is enough to depress me all over again?

"Rage Is Loud" in NYC

2009-05-09T10:27:00.001-05:00

A few months ago, I submitted "Rage Is Loud" for a production in New York city. I never heard back, and so assumed that it wasn't happening. Then last night, I got an e-mail from the director - the show is happening, and it's happening next Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (5/14-5/16) at 7pm at The Royal Theatre at The Producers' Club, 358 W. 44th Street. Tickets are $15 and you can make reservations by calling (212)769-7973. "Rage" is the fifth of five short plays. The company is called the Brief Acts Company, a division of Love Creek Productions.

I feel like it's pretty bizarre to be just finding out about this. There's a lot of information that I don't have, so my mind is pretty much reeling. But it's also very exciting. I get to see one of my shows put on by strangers! And just a few blocks from Times Square. I don't care who you are, that's awesome.

You showed up with your parachute

2009-05-07T16:47:00.002-05:00

I'm okay as long as I don't think about my life in any way. Packing up my worldly possessions has not been as much of a distraction as I would have liked. I am thinking about setting it all on fire. Preferably in front of a Starbucks, but I'm not that picky right now.

At least I managed to stay in one place for almost a year this time. I usually don't manage to stay in one place for that long. I don't think I will miss this place. But, I don't think I'm going to be any happier in the next location. Wherever I go, there I am.

It's May.

2009-05-03T12:31:00.002-05:00

Nick and I met up at Grand Central yesterday, hung out and went to Chelsea's birthday party - or the first half of it, I guess. I spent the previous week in Binghamton. I got new glasses. My new doctor is having my blood tested for some things. I hope my thyroid is messed up. That would explain so much. I'm moving out on the 10th. I don't think things are going to get any better. Only one plan makes sense to me, really, and a lot of people have said they would prefer if I didn't act on that one. I'm not making any promises.

Not a great day, no.

2009-04-22T21:05:00.002-05:00

I have been feeling anxious and terrible all day. I took my pass-the-fuck-out medication, hopefully that will help me get some sleep and maybe I'll even be able to lift my arms in the morning. And then go baby-sit while sedatives refuse to stop affecting my body. That'll be fun. God, I'm so unhappy.

Filter List

2009-04-19T11:10:00.003-05:00

I was talking with a certain hyper-critical friend of mine, who had this idea. Some websites have a feature that blocks out specific words and phrases to prevent spam and the like. What if you could apply this idea to the entire world? If you could forbid any mention of a person, thing, or concept, what would you block from your life? Here is the beginning of my list:

* reality television
* celebrity gossip in all forms
* the matrix sequels
* movies in which animals talk
* movies named for an animal character
* the "twilight" series
* anthropomorphic food

I'm sure I'll think of more, but in the mean time, feel free to share yours.

Hack Your Brain

2009-04-17T15:47:00.004-05:00

I had my last appointment with Hudson Valley Mental Health this week. I told them that I'm moving to Binghamton sooner than I probably am in reality. It was not the worst clinic I've experienced, that would be Sullivan County. Sullivan County seemed to be actively trying to make me as miserable as humanly possible. HVMH is also not as short-staffed as Broome County, my next destination. The psychiatrist didn't listen and seemed to scorn me, but that's basically par for the course. My therapist seemed compassionate, but unfocused. The university counseling centers I went to (ISU and Binghamton) were probably the most helpful, and even there, I wouldn't necessarily say that I made any "progress" in therapy.

I baby-sat for a seven-year-old on Tuesday. I've sat for him before, and he's pretty challenging. We watched Chicken Run and he yelled at me for laughing. Which I guess is something I've experienced a lot in my life. When his father got home, he yelled at us for talking and then threw a tantrum. This ended with him telling his father that he hated him, and a time-out on the stairs. I made $60 for four hours, but didn't feel overpaid. I prefer taking care of the four-month old, which is how I spent my day today. Sure, he emits a piercing scream that can shatter an eardrum, but we have a better rapport. I made $70 for eight hours, but didn't feel underpaid.

I have doubts.

2009-04-13T12:11:00.004-05:00

My mood finally picked up on Friday at around 6:30, but crashed again on Saturday around two. I found myself all alone in the house and feeling god-awful. I really didn't want to be alone. I called everyone I could think of in an attempt to find something to do, but everyone was either unreachable or busy. I ended up going to bed early and sleeping for about fifteen hours. I eventually heard back from my mom, who offered to come down and bring me to Binghamton. I convinced her to come spend the day and return my cat to me instead. We went to see Doubt, which was good, I guess, but not as good as I wanted it to be, and had dinner at Isamu. So, my cat is back, which is nice.

My mood is not great today, but it's not terrible, either. I'm baby-sitting tomorrow - not for the baby, for the 7-year-old, which will be tough. Then back to the counseling center for Round Three of "Convince us not to call the cops on you." I know that they are just trying to help me, and not get sued, but this whole thing makes me want to just tell them I moved already and never go back to the center again. It's exhausting to have to convince someone you're fine when you are not.

Look at all those stars. Look at how goddamned ugly the stars are.

2009-04-08T21:21:00.002-05:00

I had an appointment at Hudson Valley Mental Health today, and I guess I scared my social worker, because she tried to convince me to go to the hospital.

Basically what I said was that I woke up today feeling like a worthless waste of oxygen, that I felt like I had nothing to look forward to, and that I didn't want to be alive anymore. Which basically describes how I have felt for about 1/4 of my life. I've spent another 1/4 of my life feeling much, much worse than I do today.

She wanted me to at least speak to my ~~drug pusher~~ I mean, "psychiatrist," but she had left for the day. She got the other staff "psychiatrist" to see me instead. The "psychiatrist" told me to double my medication and call the crisis line if I started to formulate a suicide plan.

My therapist was reluctant to let me leave, and we talked for fifteen minutes after my appointment should have been over. I didn't know how to explain to her that this is my life. If I went into the hospital every time I was suicidal, I would have spent, again, about 1/2 of my life in locked wards.

I just got a call from the crisis line people. They were calling to check up on me, see if I was feeling okay, and asked me if I wanted to talk. How am I supposed to talk to them, when I know they could call the police at any time? For that matter, how am I supposed to be able to tell anyone how I feel, when there's a chance they could make the situation ten times worse by reporting me?

This is the catch-22 of being suicidal. You can't tell anyone, because they will take away your freedom and put you in a terrifying place with terrifying patients and even more terrifying staff. And not being able to talk to anyone only makes you feel more alone. It's hard enough to burden your friends and family by letting them know about even a fraction of the pain you're feeling. Knowing that they might try to "do what's best for" you... only makes it more impossible.

The Massacre at Home

2009-04-03T15:55:00.002-05:00

At least thirteen people were killed today, and five were seriously injured, at the American Civil Association building on Front Street in Binghamton. It's being reported now that the gunman shot and killed himself.

I left Binghamton yesterday on the bus, so I've just been reading the news online all day and feeling terrible. Friends in Illinois who have heard the news have been calling and e-mailing, just to make sure I was okay, which is greatly appreciated.

Venue

2009-03-30T20:17:00.002-05:00

Another few days in Binghamton. I had what's called a history appointment with Broome County Mental Health, which is basically 40 minutes of telling your life story to a stranger. The therapist I met with typed everything I said into a text file while I talked, which was something I haddn't experienced before. I always get weirded out when they ask me what I want to get out of therapy. I want to feel better. And I've been in therapy since I was seven, and I haven't felt better yet, so, I don't think it's likely that I'm going to. I don't expect to get better. But I keep going to therapy, because that's what people do.

Time Is Flying

2009-03-21T10:28:00.002-05:00

Our lease is up at the end of May, so I spent last week in Binghamton, hunting for apartments and trying to line up some kind of therapy. Broome County Mental Health Clinic was more or less a madhouse, but I'll follow through because it's the cheap answer. Good therapy is hard to find. Therapist Ratings is a site that has potential, but doesn't have enough listings yet to be really useful. I'd really like to see that site or one like it succeed.

I've been feeling really anxious and overwhelmed lately. I look at the list of things I need to do, and my head starts swimming, and then I start freaking out. So, I started taking an anti-anxiety medication (which is really an antihistamine, because nothing in psycho-pharmacology is ever used for its original purpose), but it's making me a zombie during the day. Which doesn't make it any easier to get things done. Welcome to my Downward Spiral. Are we having fun yet?

Binghamton, Binghamton...

2009-03-21T09:53:00.003-05:00

My semi-alma mater Binghamton University is getting some press right now. The basketball team lost their first and so-far only March Madness game against Duke. Meanwhile, a woman working in the athletic department has filed a sexual harassment complaint. There are accusations about grade changing flying around. And, some kids I know at the radio station discovered an epic stockpile of privacy violations.

And let's not forget that back in May, the sophomore center Miladin Kovacevic beat a fellow student, Bryan Steinhauer, into a coma at a bar. After posting bail, Kovacevic fled to Serbia, and will most likely never be extradited. Nice recruiting there, BU Athletics. Well done.

The Latest

2009-03-07T12:29:00.004-06:00

What is happening with the weather today? It's like sixty fucking degrees! I want to hang out at Centennial and play four square all day.

I played Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit last night with Dennis and Nick. It's amazing how much I've forgotten since I read the books in high school and saw the films in college. The boys trounced me thoroughly, and also, made me laugh one of my weirder cackling laughs.

Two books you should read are Self-Made Man and Voluntary Madness by Norah Vincent.

I have never seen the movie Casino. Just in case you were wondering.

Nerdery

2009-02-26T19:27:00.002-06:00

I went to NonCon last Saturday, it was a good time. I went to the Jeph Jacques panel. I hadn't read his comic since 2006... I stopped because I think it's better to read a lot of them all at once, and then I guess I forgot all about it. It took me almost a week, but I have finally read every single Questionable Content comic. I just finished.

I also went to Scott McCloud's presentation, which was mostly very entertaining. And I went to a panel with Alisha Kwitney. She was very engaging. The whole time she was talking, I had the uncontrollable urge to grin at her. And I really wanted to ask her if she reads Smart Bitches, Trashy Books but I didn't for some reason...

I Think It's Safe to Say, "Break's Over."

2009-02-25T14:10:00.002-06:00

I stopped taking medication in the middle of November after the Valium Fiasco, and I was doing really well. But this month, things have started to get bad again. Self-destruction-fantasy bad. I do not believe there's a drug out there that might actually decrease my symptoms. But, on the off chance that I'm wrong, I've decided to step back up to the pharmaceutical roulette wheel and spin.

The break was nice while it lasted.

You sane people don't know how good you have it. You really don't. And right now, I kind of hate you for that.

Valentimes is Serious Times!

2009-02-14T09:51:00.002-06:00

I have been known to feel a little twinge of sadness or loneliness or bitterness on V-Day, over the years, due to lack of a significant other, and wondering, not unreasonably, if anyone's every going to want that job again. (Not that I think it's actually a chore to be with me. In fact, I'm delightful. But I digress.)

Thanks to one fateful V-Day with Chelsea Holland five years ago, it is my tradition to spend Valentine's Day watching horror movies. The festival (V-Day Horror Show '09) is about to begin, but before I go drown my sorrows in fake blood and viscera, I wanted to share a little good cheer. If anyone is feeling a little blue today, this should cheer you right up.