It has been a really long time since I’ve written anything on here, and I can assure you it isn’t due to a shortage of ideas. No, the reason why I don’t write anymore on this blog is because I resent it. Yep, I absolutely hate it. Don’t get me wrong, I love self improvement. I continue to work on improving myself every single day. I talk about my self improvement ideas with my friends and family until their ears bleed. So I can confidently say I haven’t lost my passion for it.

So if it isn’t a lack of passion, what is it? This is a question I’ve asked myself a lot over the last year. And I’ve finally figured it out: perfectionism. My perfectionism is what causes me to procrastinate writing anything. I’ve placed so many standards on my writing that I’ve taken something that I am supposed to enjoy and turned it into something I hate. What standards did I put on myself?

• Each article must be 400-600 words long (for SEO purposes)
• Make sure all grammar and punctuation is perfect
• Article must have a clear introduction and conclusion
• etc etc etc

Basically, I wanted myself to create articles that a school teacher would approve of. But this is a blog, this isn’t an essay. The main reason why I have this blog is to help as many people who are seeking to improve themselves as I can. And because my perfectionism ultimately prevents me from writing, I end up helping nobody at all.

So today, I am making a promise to you and to myself that I will no longer try to create perfect articles. I will try my best to make them good, but that’s it. My new mindset is if I write an article it only has to help one person. Meaning, of the thousands of page views each article gets overtime, only one of them has to actually benefit the reader. If just one person benefits, to me the time it took to write that article was well worth it.

So what’s the lesson you can take from all this? Understand that the perfect is the enemy of the good. I wanted to make “perfect” articles so much so that I ended up not writing as much as I would’ve liked (to avoid my inevitable disappointment). And looking at my traffic numbers, I can tell that I haven’t done a good job. I gave up the “good” for the “perfect.” And as a result, I got neither. I’m done doing this to myself, and you should be too.

Neuroscientists have learned a bulk of what they know about the human brain not by studying the brains of healthy people, but by studying the brain’s of people where something had gone drastically wrong. When it comes to self improvement, I take a similar approach. Though I do my best to study the people who I consider to be successful, I have learned some of my most valuable lessons from those whom I consider to be failures.

We all have dreams and goals that we want to achieve in our lives. Some of us actually achieve these goals, and some of us just don’t. That’s the harsh reality. So what are the people who don’t achieve their goals doing wrong? There can be hundreds of reasons different reasons for any one individual’s failures, but one of the most common traits amongst failures is that they tend to focus on what they don’t have and can’t do instead of what focusing on what they do have and can do. 

They will often say things like “You need money to make money,” or “If I had _______, then I’d be able to do it.” They what seems to be an infinite amount of problems little to no solutions. Why is this? It’s because excuses are much easier to come up with than solutions are.

The real solution to their problem is to work with what they have, instead of complaining about what they don’t. Talking about what can’t be done won’t take you anywhere, while talking about what could be done can work wonders.

Basically, these people lack the ability to think creatively. A creative person will think about all the things and people in their life, and then find a way to make them work together towards achieving a certain goal. Instead of complaining about what is stopping them, they will identify the problem and work towards finding its solution.

If it is money they need and don’t currently have, they will think of ways to make money. They will look around the house to see what they can sell for some extra cash. They will get a second job. They will find people who can lend them money. In other words, they will do whatever it takes to reach their goals.

Thinking about what you can do instead of what you can’t do is not only productive, it also puts you in a more positive state of mind which is essential for health and success. If you choose to work with what you have, you will eventually get what you don’t. If you choose to just complain to people about how this and that are ruining your chances of success, you can be sure you’ll never have anything but the pity of others.

Have you ever been in an argument with someone who just won’t admit that they’re wrong, no matter how hard you try to prove it? I bet you have. And you’ve probably, at some point or another, been that person too. Which begs the question:

Why can’t people just admit that they’re wrong?

It’s actually pretty simple. Admitting you’re wrong hurts your ego. And for that reason, people will do their best to avoid it. You can be in an argument for hours and hours, rebutting every single point a person makes with perfect logic, yet they’ll still stubbornly maintain their position.

Don’t fall into the ego trap.

Even when you have been proven wrong, your ego can almost force you to stubbornly stick with your position. And as a result you may miss out on some of the opportunities that life presents (saying it won’t work when it might), worsen your health (thinking you know more than your doctor), ruin relationships (hurting others feelings without saying sorry), etc. All for the sake of not being wrong.

It’s really a lack of self-esteem.

Huh? How is not admitting you’re wrong a lack of self-esteem/confidence? Isn’t it the exact opposite? No. Sticking with what you believe in is one thing, but sticking with it when you have clearly been proven wrong is another. A person with a low self-esteem will typically have more trouble admitting they’re wrong than a person with a high self-esteem.

Admitting you’re wrong can be a blow to the ego. And the difference between a person with a high self-esteem and a person with a low self-esteem is how big of a blow they can afford.

Let me give you an analogy:

Let’s say that self-esteem is measured in dollars. And every time you admit you’re wrong, it costs you a $100. Well, for a person with a lot of money (high self-esteem) that isn’t too big of a problem. They’ll pay up and move along. But for the person with a small amount of money (low self-esteem), that $100 may very well wipe them out. It’s no wonder then why they would be more reluctant to do so.

You should care more about being right than about not being wrong.

Keeping with that analogy, let’s say that the $100 you pay every time you’re wrong is really invested. And in the long run, you end up getting much more back than you ever put in. I bet that would make it a bit easier for anyone to part with the money. And so it should be in real life.

You will get much more back in return by admitting you’re wrong than you ever gave up (in ego) because when you admit you’re wrong you take one step closer towards being right. And at the end of the day, the more things you are right about, the more it boosts your self-esteem (as you’ll have real results, not just a false perception of reality).

When it comes to gaining weight, most people don’t notice it adding on day by day. It may take a few weeks or even a few months, but all of the sudden you’ll step a scale and whoa! You’re ten pounds heavier than you were the last time you checked! Once you realize this, you’ll probably go on a diet or exercise more often, or do both.

But why did it get to that point?

Why is it that we must gain ten pounds or something significant to us before we realize that we need to change the way we eat and exercise? The answer is simple: It’s because we don’t actively measure our weight! If you notice, people who actively measure their weight will tend to improve or maintain it. Sure, they may gain a few pounds here and there, but nothing significant enough that would require a serious lifestyle change (e.g. a crash diet).

The reason for this is the fact that anything actively measured will tend to improve over time. How can it not? When you measure something, like your weight, you will make the necessary adjustments to be at the level you want. So if you gain a few pounds, you’ll find ways to cut some calories or burn a little more. You might run an extra mile a week or cut out the soda and coffee (dare I say it?) from your diet.

Of course, measuring your weight alone isn’t enough. You have to actually care about your weight to the point where you’ll take action and make adjustments in your diet and exercise if necessary. But the keyword is care. And if you notice, those who care about their weight the most are usually the ones who are already actively measuring it. That’s why they produce great results. And you can do the same!

But don’t stop at just measuring your weight. This principle will work with just about anything you apply it to. Simply measure anything that is important to you and you wish to improve.

For example, I want to consistently improve my finances (who doesn’t?), so I track them using personal finance software. I use Mint.com because it works great and you can’t beat the price (it’s free). With Mint, I am able to track my income, expenses, assets, and liabilities. And with the insight I get from tracking my finances, I have been able to consistently improve each and every one of the four.

You can measure just about anything, so get creative! Maybe you can measure how many times you can make people smile per day or how many times you express your love for those you care about. So, what is it you want to improve on and how will you measure it?

When you do something you love to do, you feel as if you could do it all day long. It’s as if doing it takes almost no will power on your part. Unfortunately, the reality is that you’re not going to love doing everything you have to do in life.

For example, I don’t love doing my taxes, eating healthy, or exercising daily. But I know these are things that I have to do. And to do them requires will power on my part. So here are a few things I do to increase my will power for the tasks that seemingly take every last ounce of it:

Use Your Will Power: Think of will power as a muscle. When you first start lifting weights, lifting 15 pound dumbbells may be exhausting for you. But over time as your muscles grow stronger (and you start lifting heavier weights), you’ll be able to lift those 15 pound dumbbells without even breaking a sweat.

Don’t Overindulge: Have you ever noticed that when you eat too much, drink too much, sleep too much, and have sex too much you end up feeling lazy? This happens because when your brain gets too much dopamine (the motivating neurotransmitter), it releases a chemical called prolactin to balance things out. In this process, our dopamine levels lower to the point where we become dopamine deficient. Symptoms of dopamine deficiency include depression, procrastination and a lack of ambition. In other words: you’ll have less will power when you overindulge.

Proper Diet & Exercise: Studies have shown that proper diet and exercise can help reduce stress and depression and even lifts your mood. Like they say, a healthy body leads to a healthy mind. And a healthy mind is what you need in order to increase your will power.

Break Things Down: Have you ever looked at hill from far away? It always looks big from a distance. But as you go up the hill step by step, you realize that it wasn’t so bad.

The same thing goes for the goals or tasks you want to accomplish. Looking at what you want to accomplish without breaking it down into smaller steps can be somewhat intimidating. So much so that it can lower your confidence to the point where you decide (before you even try to do it) that you will ultimately fail and it’d be a wasted effort (aka will power).

Realize That You Want It: Like I said earlier, there will always be things in life that we have to do that we may not want to do. But if you look at what you have to do at a deeper level, you’ll realize that you actually want to do it. For example, I feel as if I have to do my taxes. Obviously, I can choose not to do them and suffer the consequences. But I want to avoid those consequences.

Figure out why you want to do whatever you feel like you have to do, and focus on that instead of thinking about why you don’t want to do a thing. When you tell yourself why want to do a thing, you start feeling more motivated to actually do it.

Like I said in the beginning of this post, when you do what you love to do you feel as if you could do it all day long using little to no will power. So while you may not love physically doing certain things in life (like taxes and eating salads), realize that you love the result it will ultimately bring you.

A lot of us have heard of a swear jar. If you haven’t, just imagine a jar with a slit in its cap big enough to insert money into (sort of like a piggy bank). Parents have been using swear jars for decades. The idea behind the swear jar is simple: Every time someone in the house uses a swear word, they have to insert a predetermined amount of money (like a quarter or a dollar) into the jar. And once the jar gets full, the money inside is usually donated or put towards a good cause.

I love the idea of a swear jar because it creates a win-win situation. You end up swearing less often (who likes losing money?) and if/when you do use a swear word, the money you lose goes towards a good cause. You end up improving yourself and at the same time you can help improve the lives of others. That is self improvement at its finest.

But why stop at using the jar for just swearing?

Being the self improvement nut that I am, I take the idea of the swear jar a few steps further. I don’t physically have a jar that I deposit money into, but I write down each and every thing I catch myself doing that I want to change. It could be anything, like losing my patience, overeating, succumbing to fear, thinking negatively for more then a minute, failing to be positive, etc. Whatever it is, I will write down what I did and what I will do instead the next time the circumstances are similar. I call each thing I write down a “point” (because I write them down in bullet point form).

So, what’s the Self Improvement System?

1. Record every action (or inaction) that you wish to change or improve upon in a journal or notebook. Make sure to include the date and what you will do the next time the circumstances are similar. Here is an example of one of my points:

May 28th – I lost my patience with my girlfriend because she couldn’t find the restaurant she was looking for and wasn’t giving up. I was hungry and just wanted to eat anywhere. Next time, I will stay patient and just communicate how I feel instead of holding it in and then all of the sudden saying something I wish I hadn’t. I won’t let the fact that I am hungry get to my attitude.

2. At the end of the month, review all of your “points” and pay special attention to things that you see more than a couple of times. These are your habits, and are your greatest area of opportunity for you to improve in. Read what you will do next time out loud in each point. These should become your new positive affirmations.

3. At the end of the month, count up all of your “points” and multiply the amount you determined you will donate per point. For example:

May’s total of points: 57

Amount per point: $1

Total amount to donate: 57 x $1 = $57

4. Keep all of your point logs (from every month) so you can review them later and track how you improve over time.

Now, the point of donating a certain amount of money per point is to make you NOT want to do it. So if you set the amount to donate too low (like a dime or a quarter) you won’t have the motivation to avoid doing the things you shouldn’t. Likewise, if your “good cause” is something that will benefit you (like money towards a new car), you’ll actually have an incentive to accumulate points! Not something I’d recommend =).

For those of you who don’t want to use money as your motivation, you can use something else like doing 5 push ups for every point or a lap around the track. But regardless of what you use to “pay” for your points, don’t make it so hard on yourself to the point where you WON’T follow through with it. And at the same time, don’t make it too easy where it won’t really motivate you to improve either.

We excel in the things that we are most passionate about.

Look at the top performers in just about any field, from real estate moguls like Donald Trump to superstar athletes like Kobe Bryant, and you’ll notice that they are all extremely passionate about what they do. Since Kobe Bryant is one of my favorite athletes, I’ll use him as an example of how passion is a combination of love and hate.

When you watch Kobe Bryant play, especially in the final minutes of the game, its hard not to see his passion. Even those who don’t know too much about basketball can see it. This is because, well, usually its written all over his face. He tends to extend his jaw outwards, sort of like a snarl, while he is taking over a game. And typically, when you see him do this, you’ll notice the opposing team’s coach immediately call a time out.

What is passion made of?

What makes Kobe’s passion so strong, you ask? It’s the love that he has for the game, and the love that he has for winning. And at the same time, its how much he hates to lose and how much he hates the disappointment that comes it. But every professional athlete (or anyone for that matter) loves winning and hates losing, right? Right, but only to a certain extent.

Kobe’s love for winning and hatred for losing is much greater than most of his colleagues. This is evidenced by how hard he practices. Even when he was on the U.S. Olympic basketball team surrounded by the best of the best in the NBA as teammates, he managed to inspire them all with the hard work and dedication he put into practice.

Do you need both love and hate in order to have passion?

No, not necessarily. Having one or the other could suffice. But having both certainly does not hurt. And the more you have of each, the greater your passion becomes.

For example, one of my passions in life is financial freedom. I love the things that come with financial freedom like the freedom, time, health, and luxury. But I hate the things that the lack of financial freedom brings like feeling trapped, not being able to afford what I want, or just settling in general.

What I want to make clear is that the love I have for financial freedom is more than enough for me to be passionate about it. But when you add the hatred I have for what comes with the lack of financial freedom into the equation, my passion multiplies.

So, why and how can you become more passionate?

When you are passionate about something, you’re desire for it becomes so strong that it becomes hard for you not to act on it. You’ll be able to find the will power within yourself to take action to get what you want instead of just sitting there wishing for it. But sometimes, passion for something doesn’t come naturally. You have to feed it by thinking of what you want the most in life, and making a list of all of the positive benefits you will reap from it as a result. Then, make another list of why you would hate not having that thing in your life.

Every time you find yourself getting discouraged or straying away from what you desire, just look at your list. In fact, look at it everyday regardless. Always remind yourself of why you love what it is you want, and why you hate not having it. Eventually, you will find yourself becoming more and more passionate about it. But note that, just like Kobe, you want to focus much more on the positive aspect (the part you love) than the negative (the part you hate). But you can use both to become more passionate and use them as a tool to motivate yourself.

They say there’s a thin line between being cocky and confident. And I agree with that 100%. There is a line, and it’s so thin that it crossing it can happen without you even noticing it. I would know, I’ve been called cocky more than a couple of times in my life. At first, it was just my sister that would say it. So I kind of just ignored what she said because she’d usually call me cocky when we were in an argument. But then, later on in life a few of my friends called me cocky as well. At this point, I started thinking to myself, am I? And if I am, why?

Of course, I didn’t believe that I was cocky deep down inside. I just felt like I was confident. And I still do. But I knew that there had to be a reason for their perception of me being cocky. There had to have been things I did or said that made them feel that way. Its not like the idea just came out of thin air. So I asked myself: What makes a person cocky in the first place?

This is what I have come up with so far:

• People who overly express their confidence.
• People who think they are good at something they are unproven at.
• People who let others know that they are better than them.
• People who don’t have their results speak for them.
• People who are “know it all’s.
• People who think they don’t need to improve.

Looking at this list, I realized that I fell under the first category more than any other (but others could still apply). In the situations where I was called cocky, I didn’t just express my confidence. I overly expressed it. Another word that can be used for over expressing your confidence is called bragging! Personally, I have no problem with people who brag (as long as what they say is true or has valid reasoning). After all, what they are “bragging” about is usually something that they pride themselves in. And I can appreciate that. But not everyone thinks like that, so that’s why I try my best not to do it (brag).

Anyways, the common theme is a cocky person is someone who makes other people feel inferior. And in turn, it makes them self look or feel superior (even if that’s not their intent). And that’s the thin line. You are considered a confident person when you believe in yourself but don’t make others feel inferior in the process. And as soon as you make someone feel inferior, you are then considered cocky (at least by that person).

Of course, it isn’t as black and white as that. Everyone perceives things differently, and therefore what they consider to be cocky is different. Saying something as simple as “I love my BMW” could be considered cocky to some (usually those who can’t afford one), whereas it would take someone bragging about their BMW A LOT to be considered cocky to others. So while its impossible to please everybody, I think not doing the things in the list above is a good start. And instead, confidently do the opposite.

My brother-in-law and I have gotten into many debates about what he likes to call “California” drivers. See, we both live in California and whenever we are driving somewhere together I’ll usually hear him say something derogatory about another driver on the road. He says things like “this person is stupid” or “people are such assholes out here.” He’ll go on to say that back “home” drivers are much more courteous.

He was born and raised in Virginia (what he calls “home”). I was born in Virginia but pretty much raised in California. So obviously, when he talks about “California” drivers in a derogatory way I naturally get a little defensive. This is because I self identify as a Californian. I mean, 99.9% of my driving experience has been in the state of California. But he doesn’t consider me to be an “asshole” or “stupid” yet those he does are labeled as “California” drivers. The funny thing is the only people he can label as “California” drivers for sure are his friends and family that he knows were raised here (and he wouldn’t label them in such a way). Because the drivers (or strangers) whom he calls “assholes” could’ve very well been born and raised in Virginia just like him.

Anyways, the reason he believes that the land in California makes people evil and stupid is due to his personal bias. He doesn’t like California. He prefers to live somewhere where there are “four seasons.” I have no problem with his personal preference. It just bugs me when he voices a subjective opinion that is negative and makes everyone else in the car get a negative vibe. And that is why I would argue with him about it. But I have come to realize that even though his opinion was formed out of personal bias, it is 100% the truth. At least to him. Because when he is out on the road, he see’s nothing but rude drivers. As the old saying goes, if you look for anything hard enough you’ll generally find it.

Now, before I go on let me confess something: I used to think the same way. I met my brother-in-law when I was 14. I was young and looked up to him. Therefore, I inherited a lot of his opinions. So when I got my license at 16, I was very aware of all the rude drivers. I would tail gate people and even flicked off a few people (something I am ashamed to admit) when I felt like they were being an “asshole.” I learned this behavior from my brother-in-law because that’s the way he USED to act (he has since improved). But as I got older and wiser, I realized that there was no benefit to thinking in that manner. It put me and whoever was involved in a negative state of mind.

So I decided to change the way I thought, or perceived things while on the road. Of course, the bad behavior was a habit by then so my perception didn’t change overnight. But every time I found myself thinking negatively I would catch it and correct it. The thing I did that helped me most was whenever someone SEEMED to do something rude, I would just imagine that person to be my Mom (who I love to death). Almost instantly, the negative feelings subsided and I just let it go. After a while, I no longer saw rude drivers. My road rage was gone for good!

But I decided to take this a step further, and started looking for GOOD drivers. Now, for the most part that’s all I really see. Average drivers and good drivers. And if I happen to perceive someone as a rude driver, I’ll just look at that person the same way I look at my Mom. With love. I’ll tell myself that the person most likely has a family that loves him and thinks highly of him. When you stop and realize that the people on the road are just that, people, it makes it a lot easier to be forgiving. I would never get angry if someone I knew cut me off on the road (because of bias), so its unfair to do so to someone who I haven’t yet had the chance to meet. Like they say, don’t judge a book by its cover.

Changing my perception while on the road has really opened my eyes to a whole new world. I mean, its crazy that you can do a lie detector test on my brother-in-law and I and ask us what we think about Californian drivers and our answers would be complete opposites but yet both of us would be telling the truth. And even crazier, we actually can choose the way we perceive things. It really is true that you see what you believe more so than you believe what you see.

Our perception creates our reality. Or better stated: Your perception is your reality. You can make a heaven out of hell and a hell out of heaven. The choice is and always has been yours. This doesn’t just go for the way you perceive things while driving. It goes down to every little opinion you make about yourself, the people around you, and the world we live in. Now, I’m not promoting the idea of ignorance is bliss. Maybe just the opposite. Things aren’t always perfect in life. We can’t just ignore the bad things. But we CAN fix them. But the only way we can do this is by focusing more on finding solutions to the problems instead of complaining about them.

How many times have you gone on a diet but didn’t stick with it for as long as you planned? Or how many times have you tried to start saving money but ended up going back to your old spending habits after just a few weeks? Basically, what I’m asking is:

How many times have you lost focus on a plan or a goal?

And how did these plans or goals pan out for you? For me, they either didn’t pan out like I expected or didn’t pan out at all (due to the lack of execution). And I’d be willing to bet that its a similar story for you. We’ve all heard the saying “focus is the key to success” or something similar at some point in our lives, but how many of us really pay attention to our focus (sounds funny I know)?

If you look at people who’ve had great success, you’ll notice that they share certain traits that separate them from everybody else.  Some people call it desire, some call it passion, and others call it will power. But regardless of what you want call it, there’s no denying the fact that successful people are focused. That’s because focus always comes with passion or desire. But that doesn’t mean it always have to come from passion or desire. For a lot of the boring things in life (like dieting or saving money), it has to come from your own will power (unless of course your passionate about dieting or saving money).

But what’s so important about focus?

Let me give you an example from the movies that answers this: A football team is down big at halftime in a championship game. They go into the locker room with their heads hanging low. Their coach starts to speak. He grabs the attention of his players and reminds them of who they are and how hard they’ve worked to get where they are. The team gets inspired by the coach’s speech and goes on to win the game.

So what’s the lesson behind this cheesy story? The team lost (or didn’t have) focus during the first half of the game. But they re-focused after the coach’s speech. And with that focus, they were able to play at the level they knew they were capable of. And when you keep focused on what you want, you can too.

Of course, the problem is we don’t have coaches in real life to inspire us when we need it most. In real life, the only person we can rely on being there ALL THE TIME is ourselves. Therefore, we have to learn how to be both the coach and the player when it comes to the game of life. We have to learn how to focus, stay focused, and regain our focus if we lose it. Life is dynamic. It is always changing and there will always be distractions. But by knowing what your priorities are and stay focused on them, nothing can get in your way.