Last week was Suri Cruise’s sixth birthday. And for some reason, this made national headlines. TMZ turned it into a trending topic on Twitter (#SuriCruiseBirthdayGifts), and a bunch of people were wishing her a “Happy Birthday.” Why? Because her dad is Tom Cruise, her mom is Katie Holmes, and she’s an adorable little girl. And that’s it. She has literally done nothing significant in her entire life or contributed to society in any way. She just walks down the street with her mom. But apparently that’s good enough for us.

You know what Suri should have received for her birthday? Nothing. Not a single thing. She’s in first grade, for crying out loud. Why does it even matter? She already has Maverick as her dad, so what more can she possibly want in life? You know what I got when I was six? I don’t know, either. Because I was friggin’ six. You could have simply taken a picture of me next to a bike, put it in the family album, and I would have thought I got a bike for my birthday. But, of course, we can’t do that for America’s National Little Treasure – Suri Cruise.

She’s a “mini fashionista.” Did you know that? She can barely tie her own shoes, and yet she has her own fashion blog. Are you kidding me? I know wearing basketball shorts for three days won’t win me any style awards, but at least I can dress myself and hang things up in a closet. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that Suri doesn’t dress well. She certainly dresses better than myself and many other people I know. But, c’mon, how much of an influence does she really have when it comes to her fashion choices?

Unless she’s in these stores, physically touching each dress, going “I dunno…I like the cut on this, but something about this material is just rubbing me the wrong way. Pun intended.” (In my mind, Suri has an unknown comedic side to her. Moving on.) Then I think we’re giving her a bit too much credit. When she shops, it’s probably more like, “Stripes are neat. But I also like polka dots and purple and pink and that,” as she points to some stupid dress that her mom doesn’t buy.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just jealous that this tiny person is more famous than I will ever be. Or maybe I’m the only one who doesn’t consider a six-year-old a style icon. Either way, I’m tired of hearing about her. So let’s move on to something more interesting, please, and leave this little girl alone.

The Comments

• Why is that girl on the right in this video?
• Jay Z’s got 99 problems, but this ain’t one. Ya know, because he’s ugly…

- Logan Rhoades

• My favorite part is the disclaimer under the video “Old Bailey Productions did not create any of the audio or lyrics for this video. We produced the video as a favor.” That is the nicest way anyone has ever said we needed these dumb bitches money but don’t want to be associated with them in anyway.

- El Natalie

• Every time I see a hot girl, I will imagine that this is on loop in her head.
• They didn’t really say that what the problems are… did they? I guess it is up the viewer the decide what they are.. and I think we have!

- Abby Lucas

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A few days ago, a rumor surfaced that 30 Rock might be ending soon. Turns out it’s true. Yesterday, Alec Baldwin told the Associated Press that the show is ending next season.

This news seemingly came as a shock to most fans, but not to me. In fact, I actually had to re-work this article because the first draft was about how Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels should pull the plug on 30 Rock. So clearly, this news didn’t surprise me. It’s time for the show to end. And here’s why…

In its first season (2007), 30 Rock was the surprise hit on TV, receiving 10 Emmy Award nominations and taking home the coveted title of “Outstanding Comedy Series.”

By the time season two rolled around, Tina Fey was the belle of the ball and 30 Rock was the powerhouse show with 17 Emmy Award nominations. They walked in as favorites and walked out as winners, practically sweeping every Comedy Series category.

In the past two years, however, 30 Rock hasn’t won a single Emmy.

Now, many will contribute this dry spell to the award-winning success of Modern Family, and rightfully so. Modern Family has dominated the Emmy’s recently and practically every other awards show, as well. But what happened to 30 Rock, while all of this was going on?

I personally believe we just got sick of it. Because, well, I have.

30 Rock used to be the show that I couldn’t wait for all week, but it’s quickly become the one I can easily skip. And that’s because the tools that once made the show wildly successful have now caused it to be boring.

Back when 30 Rock was new and fresh, the jokes, crazy plotlines, and even crazier characters were laugh out loud funny. But now, the unbelievable character traits are stale and the plotlines seem out there for no real reason. It’s lost its uniqueness and become irrelevant. So many ridiculous things happen that you begin to forget that this is supposed to be real life, albeit a wacky one.

But there’s a fine line between wacky and dumb, and I strongly believe 30 Rock has crossed over to the latter lately. Which is a shame, because it used to be the smartest show on television with quick and great humor. Nevertheless, times change and their running jokes, and too particular characters have gotten old. Worse yet, the unpredictable jokes are predictably placed. Simply give me a scene outline, and I can tell you precisely when each character will make a joke. Not only that, but I’ll tell you what kind of joke he or she will make, as well (observational, sexist, about oneself, about another).

And that pretty much sums up my feelings for the whole show recently. In six seasons, not much has really changed on 30 Rock, and the elements of the show that were once so attractive and new have been run into the ground and repeated to the point where I’ve lost interest.

So even though they had a good run, and they definitely did, it’s clearly time for things to end for 30 Rock.

When the weather starts to heat up, Hollywood begins unleashing its big budget movies on us. It’s a classic American ritual. Thrown on some cutoff denim shorts, drop $24.99 on an extra-large bucket of popcorn and watch as two computer-generated robots fight each other for two hours. Sounds like freedom to us.

So team, what movies are you most looking forward to this summer (or if you want to cheat, Natalie, this spring)?

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Seriously, you guys, do I even need to say anything?

Abe Lincoln is arguably our greatest president. Vampires are arguably societies’ greatest scourge. Instant movie magic.

We already know that Lincoln was handy with an axe, as he built the cabin that he was born in with his bare hands (logic does not apply to him!), but we didn’t know how he felt about vampires. Until now, that is. I guess when he wasn’t splitting rails, he was splitting skulls. Vampire skulls.

Really, I can’t believe I’m still trying to convince anybody. If you’re not sold on this movie just by the title, then have fun on America’s most wanted list, because you’re a terrorist. We can’t let the terrorists win.

In conclusion, 9/11: Never Forget.

- Burke Hair

The Lucky One

On the 8^th day, God gifted us with Zac Efron, whom he had dreamt about on his day of rest. Zac Efron is a work of art.  This is certainly no news to you.  He is truly the Earth’s finest possession.  Zac Efron.

For those of you that loved High School Musical, High School Musical 2, High School Musical 3: Senior Year, High School Musical 4 (sometimes called, “HairSpray”), High School Musical 5 (colloquially, “17 Again”), High School Musical 6 (nicknamed, “Charlie St Cloud”) and High School Musical 7(referred to by others as, “New Years Eve”), you understand that Zac Efron is the most talented actor to have ever lived.

If you haven’t seem them, here’s a rundown:

High School Musical 1-3: A young, adorable, singing Zac Efron loves this brunette bitch

Hairspray: A retro, dashing, singing AND dancing Zac Efron loves this chubby bitch

17 Again: A funny, time travelling, basketball playing Zac Efron loves that one bitch from Knocked Up

Charlie St Cloud: A handsome, sexy, sailing Zac Efron loves some crazy bitch with bad teeth (contains love scenes)

New Years Eve: A more heavyset, attentive, thoughtful Zac Efron loves that Michelle Pfeiffer bitch

Anyway, this triple threat is coming out with a new Blockbuster! High School Musical 8 (or, The Lucky One”).  As far as I can tell it’s about a gorgeous, emotionally jarred, soldier Zac Efron that loves some mom bitch.  But that is neither here, nor there, because there is at least 100 steamy love scenes to behold!  It’s going to be amazing.  Amazing.  Zac Efron is amazing.

- Erin Storch

Ted

What happens when you combine Marky Mark and Mila Kunis with the directorial debut of Seth MacFarlane, who lends his voice to a talking teddy bear? Well, whatever you’re imagining is correct. Because it’s exactly what you think it would be.

Ted matches the quick and raunchy humor that MacFarlane is notorious for with the non-versatility of Mark Wahlberg, and the hotness that is Mila Kunis. It’s basically like if the Snuggle Bear decided to go smoke a joint, instead of tossing fabric softener into a load of dirty clothes. And instead of hanging out with a stay-at-home mom, this bear hangs out with a normal dude from Boston. Which is basically the one role Mark Wahlberg can’t screw up. Plus, Mila Kunis has had sex in her last two films (Black Swan/ Friends With Benefits), so you can pretty much guarantee that she’ll slut it up again in this rated R comedy.

The trailer alone has two versions because the uncut one was too dirty for regular audiences and virgin ears. And, c’mon, who doesn’t love a teddy bear pretending to give fallatio to a candy bar?

It basically doubles as a date movie AND a movie that you’d go see with your friends. Which, therefore, makes it the best movie coming out this summer.

- Logan Rhoades

Men in Black III

Here come the Men in Black and we can only pray for another music video to follow.

Set your memory eraser sticks (neuralyzers for you hardcore Men in Black fans… by the way, why do you exist?) to a time when Men in Black was relevant because the third installment is being released this summer!   I hope Burger King sells those things in their kids’ meals again…

Treat yourself to a nostalgia fest with the chemistry of a Mr. Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith.  What a better way to trigger our childhoods than Will Smith versus science?  Let your childhood dreams wash over you as you travel to a time when love still existed between Will Smith and Jada Pinkett.  Revisit the world when Willow Smith didn’t even have hair to even whip back and forth, let alone a music video.

Plus, Josh Brolin replaced the ever wrinkled Tommy Lee Jones as the “young” agent.  That’s worth something, right?  The plot has something to do with time travel.  I mean, let’s be honest.  It doesn’t really matter.  We see this movie for the insane special effects and dumb jokes.

And lastly, if you need any other convincing, Will Smith said “shizznit” in the preview.

- Abby Lucas

 The Hunger Games 

Normally, we have to wait until the fall for a movie that isn’t some form of Michael Bay nonsense. Seriously don’t get me started on the headache that Avengers would give me! Haven’t we exhausted the superhero movies yet? Are people still really having a desire to see them? I mean, I love a good Robert Downey Jr. fix as much as the next person but after Iron Man 2 even that isn’t enough to convince me to see it. But let’s get to the point.

The Hunger Games will be the best movie of the summer because it is the best movie of the year. First off, why The Hunger Games keeps getting compared to Twilight is beyond me. 24 kids going  into an arena to fight to the death isn’t really a love story. Personally, I believe that Katniss is way closer to Harry Potter if we are going to compare her to anyone. They both are fighting an evil that knows the best way to hurt them is to kill the people they love. And if you haven’t already noticed Susan Collins and J.K. Rowling are willing to do what Stephanie Meyers doesn’t have the balls to do, kill off her characters. The only comparison I can see is that they are both girls, around the same age. But Katniss isn’t giving up being human to spend her life with a vampire that sparkles in the sun. She is a little more worried about surviving The Hunger Games so she can be around to protect her sister.

In the end of the first story, she ignites a flame that will eventually start a revolution and her heroic journey to take down the Capitol begins. That is what a superhero looks like, suck it Avengers!

                                                                                                                        – El Natalie

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post’s poll.

The Comments

• So glad at least SOME news sources are maintaining their integrity.
• I wonder what her real name is? Maybe like, Sweet Robinson, Sweet Goldenbloom, Sweet Gonzalez, Sweet Wu.  We can only speculate.

- Erin Storch

• If I had to go through a tragedy with one person, I’d choose Sweet Brown.

- Burke Hair

• Bronchitis: Ain’t nobody got time for dat.
• “Oh, Lord Jesus, it’s a fart.” I’m not the only one who heard that right?

- Logan Rhoades

• Sweet Brown, you’re no Antoine Dodson but I hope after you ran for your life that you did end up with that cold pop you desired. And I mean, I’ve got bronchitis a few times and it wasn’t pleasant but it didn’t take up too much of my time so don’t worry you should make a full recovery in about 3 to 5 days.

- El Natalie

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The Comments

• Is that a flat screen on the back of that Pirate Ship?
• Is that a Grateful Dead Flag waving on the side of that Pirate Ship?
• Not that big of a deal, nobody buys a Pirate Ship nowadays that doesn’t have “off-sea” capabilities.

- Erin Storch

• This is as common as a Camry in Somalia. Get it? Somali pirates? Anyone? Whatever, you guys are lame.

- Burke Hair

• This is what happens when Johnny Depp drinks and drives.
• I wonder what the seahorse power is on that thing.
• What? That guy is by himself? No way!

- Logan Rhoades

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It’s Wednesday night and I’m sitting here kicking myself in the head. I’m supposed to be writing my first column for New Kids on the Net, and I’m realizing I have nothing to say. What the hell am I gonna do? I pour myself another glass of wine – oops there goes the bottle – and stare back at my blank screen. I’m a pop culture addict, I mean I could literally tell you everything about Kimye’s new budding relationship, or Lindsay’s post-probation life, so why am I struggling so much with this?  Kimye, that’s Kim and Kanye by the way – now catch up.

While mindlessly bobbing to the “Burlesque” soundtrack and absently scrolling through my texts with Logan (how did he talk to me into this again?), I stop dead in my tracks. Holy. Crap. That’s it! It’s staring me straight in the face! “Latrice is my girl. I love Sharon Needles’ name and Chad Michaels is damn entertaining. First time viewer, lifelong fan”.

Now, to most of you, this won’t mean anything. To those of you who do recognize it however, I know, OH MY GAAAWD.  Let me set the scene for you: It’s Monday night, you’re sitting around with 20 of your closest gays, sipping on cocktails, and watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. Forget ‘It Gets Better’ ‘cause, honestly, at this point in time, it pretty much doesn’t. What is this “drag race” you ask? Well let me break it to you, it has absolutely nothing to do with NASCAR, sorry (not really).  Now Imagine “America’s Next Top Model”…if Tyra was honest about being a drag queen. It’s hosted by America’s most famous drag queen, RuPaul – who, in a fairness, I actually thought was Tyra Banks until I saw them on some special together. [Off the record though, I’m still not entirely convinced they're not.]

Ok so now let’s break down the contestants. As Logan mentioned, “Latrice is his girl.” Duh. Latrice is a 350 pound, African-American ex-inmate who has decided his biggest aspiration in life is to make money dressing up as a ‘sexy’ woman. I know, you can’t write this stuff. She’s got sass, little class, and you guessed it, a whole lot of ass.

Ok so we’re talking about a show where men dress up as women in order to win the title of “America’s Next Drag Superstar” with an morbidly obese ex-con competing – probably can’t get any weirder right? Wrong. Meet Sharon Needles (read: sharin’ needles). The name might seem out there, but wait until you see her…

At this point do I really need to say anything else? I mean you think that’s bad, wait until you see her as a dude, truly frightening.

Then you have the show’s veteran, Chad Michaels who’s been performing as Cher for the last 20 years in Las Vegas. Surprisingly, Chad’s pretty put together; borderline boring even. He doesn’t cause drama, he stays focused, and there’s no arguing, he makes a flawless Cher.

He’s the one on the left by the way, crazy huh? Right as I was about to step on the Chad train however, he drops a bomb mid-season. He looks like Cher because in his 20s, he basically allowed some quack to fill up his cheeks with the equivalent of Pam cooking spray. Wait, whaaaaaat???? Yeah…

Now before you run off the to the bathroom to release your lunch, which is certainly in the back of your throat by this point, keep this in mind, I’ve only addressed the three contestants in Logan’s text. That’s right. There’s 12 contestants per season – just imagine. Hot. Mess. Dot. Com.

If you aren’t intrigued in seeing this show by now, check your pulse, you may be dead. If you are alive however, check your local listings. It makes for a fabulous Monday night. Alright, my hand’s shaking; time for a cocktail. Later bitches!

The Comments

• I would probably cry too if I awoke from a drug induced coma to discover I lived in Harrisburg, North Carolina.
• The only way to wage war on your oral surgeon is with an imaginary light saber in a minivan with your mom.

- Abby Lucas

• Everything about this girl tells me she’s an annoying drunk.
• Apparently, in her mind, the students at Hogwarts use lightsabers instead of wands. In other words, she made the world of wizardry more nerdy. Not an easy thing to do.

- Logan Rhoades

• If I knew all it takes to go to Hogwarts is to listen to my dentist and get my wisdom teeth pulled I would have done this years ago. At first I felt bad for her knowing eventually she is going to snap out of it and not be apart of the wizarding world anymore, but then she starts going on some rant about lightsabers and all the respect I had gained for her in 2 minutes and 45 seconds was gone. Even if your so out of it that you chase your daily dose of meth with a speed ball you should know the difference between Harry Potter with Star Wars… It’s just plain disrespectful. You deserve to be a muggle for the rest of your life.

- El Natalie

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The Comments

• What Not to Bare.
• Yes, I will have the burger combo and my butt will have my shorts.”

- Abby Lucas

• I bet she’s ordering a diet coke.
• Maybe she’s just never taken them off since she first put them on. At age 5.

- Logan Rhoades

• Ok, this both confuses and impresses me. Sometimes I have a hard time getting into my skinny jeans that are my actually size…how she got those size 6 shorts buttoned on her size 14 body is beyond me.
• Oh, and if I was present at that Chick-fil-a and witnessed this in person, I wouldn’t be able to resist singing my favorite 30 Rock original song “Her muffin top is all that whole grain low fat I know you wanna piece of that but i just wanna dance.”

- El Natalie