I would like to share some observations about men. Below are two observations for your consideration. First, have you noticed how some men have a healthy variety of adult males in their life? That is to say, some men have good male buddies.

• They spend time together.
• They periodically eat meals together.
• They may enjoy a boys-night-out occasionally.
• Those men talk, play and work together.
• As Christians, they may study their bibles together.
• Even if they don’t read scriptures together, they still strive to spur each other on to good works.

These relationships have quiet boundaries. Christian men have a sense of right and wrong. Relationships define who you are. When a man is in a relationship with a Godly, Christian brother, they call each other to a higher level.

There is a simple, unspoken truth among Christian men. That is, as Christian men we bridle our will, desires, and biological urges to act more Christ-like. If what you just read makes sense, then you will agree with this statement. Men need good men in their lives. Or, said another way, good men make regular men better.

Here is my second and very different observation. If you went into a Men’s Club, you would see a room full of tables. Most tables would have just one man sitting by himself. He is there alone. He wants to be there alone. This is his private, alone, secret life. In most cases, male companionship is the farthest thing from his mine. Think about this image. It is a wonderfully descriptive metaphor for an unbalanced male life. It is the picture of a man sitting alone looking for the perfect female. He believes that a fantasy female will ultimately make him happy, satisfied and content. If you asked, you would quickly find out that that the men sitting alone at those tables have no solid male friendships.

Those men have decided their greatest needs can be fulfilled with the ultimate sexual fantasy experience. The dilemma of the fantasy female solution is that she does not exist. Those men return week after week to pursue their fantasy. He sits alone. He has a thrill provided by a stranger. His body responds with excitement. The response is short lived. However, with each fantasy thrill, his spirit shrivels up. At the end of the evening he is still alone. He has grown, but his growth just means more sexual fantasy thoughts. He does not end the evening being built up. He is not strengthened in his manhood. He is, if anything, a weaker man. Fantasy is ultimately followed by restless discontent.

Here are some conclusions I have reached.

The first group of men are practicing true growth and intimacy.

• They seek to build relationships with other men.
• They know they need good men in their lives to help bridle and shape their manhood.

The second group of men are misusing their sexuality.

• They are pursing a fantasy female experience when they should be growing healthy male relationships.
• Real men practice real intimacy, not false intimacy. Pursuing inappropriate sexual fantasy thoughts is pursing false intimacy.

What is the difference between these two pictures? The first man is growing healthy relationships with other men. He probably goes home to his wife and enjoys friendship, conversation, and healthy sexuality. The second man is shriveling up in his manhood. He is often the man who is emotionally under-developed and under-involved with other men. He is stuck in adolescent thinking. He believes a sexual rush will make him complete as a man. I believe there are a bunch of Christian men who are living dangerously close to this second example. They may not go to Men’s clubs. However, they run plenty of sexual fantasies in their head all day long. They are under-involved with other good men. They push their sexuality beyond the intended purpose. They misuse their sexuality in ways God never intended.

I believe many men were shaped in their youth with unhealthy sexual perceptions. They picked up the belief in their mind’s eye that they must always be looking for the perfect female for the perfect fantasy. Further, they believe having the perfect sexual experience will make them a whole, complete man.

You many be asking, ‘Why is this discussion important?’ I would like to challenge men to review their thoughts. If you are wasting time with female fantasies it is time to stop. Please consider this thought. You do not need to practice any more fantasy thoughts. Rather, you need to invest in stronger Christian male relationships. Most men have a significant need for deep male friendships.

The solution to being a better man is not found in private, sexual, fantasy thoughts. Rather, you need stronger male relationships – not more inappropriate sexual thoughts.

My goal for this article was to challenge your thinking. I hope that was accomplished. If so, to God be the glory.

For more help on this topic see our Resources for Men and join us for an Every Man’s Battle weekend.

Hosts:
Steve Arterburn, Dr. John Townsend, Dr. Jill Hubbard

Discussion Topics:
Sexual integrity, substance abuse, getting unstuck

Caller Questions:
1. What does sexual kidnapping mean?
2. How should my husband confront our 23-yr-old daughter about her drinking?
3. Which is better: bankruptcy or foreclosure?
4. How can I get my ex-husband out of my head after 5 years?

Suggested Resources:
Now What Do I Do?
Regret-Free Living
Secrets Women Keep

TV Show:

Hosts:
Steve Arterburn, Dr. Dave Stoop, Milan Yerkovich

Discussion Topics:
Anger, depression, forgiveness, substance abuse

Caller Questions:
1. What is the root of my sarcasm?
2. How do I stop being angry at God for not helping me?
3. Comment on the meaning of sarcasm.
4. How do I get rid of my depression?
5. Comment to encourage those with racially prejudiced family members.
6. Why am I angry towards my husband and kids?
7. I have anxiety when I read about alcoholics because of my dad.

Suggested Resources:
How We Love
Who’s Pushing Your Buttons
Healing Is a Choice
Making Peace With Your Father

Discussion Topics:
Dating, affairs and infidelity, Parenting

Caller Questions:
1. I am divorced and would like to know how to go about dating.
2. How can I get my wife back after I committed adultery?
3. My 5 adult children turned against God and me; how can I get past the depression?

Suggested Resources:
Finding Mr. Right
Avoiding Mr. Wrong
Healing Is a Choice
When You Love Too Much

Discussion Topics:
Marriage, self worth and confidence, infidelity

Caller Questions:
1. My wife left a month ago; how can I reconcile with her?
2. I can’t stand up to the people trying to make me feel guilty.
3. I’m divorced and my friend is saying I can’t remarry until my ex does.
4. My wife separated to be with her ex-husband; is there any hope for us?

Suggested Resources:
Every Man’s Battle
Every Heart Restored
Boundaries
How We Love
Life Recovery Bible

Discussion Topics:
Getting unstuck, dating, grief, marriage

Caller Questions:
1. My husband is a hoarder; what can I do?
2. I lost my wife and daughter 10 years ago; how do I get ready to date?
3. My sister is raising kids in a hoarding home and I don’t know what to do.
4. How do I accept my blended family marriage is over after 3 months?

Suggested Resources:
Regret-Free Living
How To Get a Date Worth Keeping
Boundaries
Blended Families CD

Hosts:
Steve Arterburn, Dr. Sheri Denham, Milan Yerkovich

Discussion Topics:
Marriage, intimacy, sexual integrity, parenting

Caller Questions:
1. I don’t know how to express my love to my wife through sex.
2. What should I do about my 17-yr-old son still watching internet porn?
3. How can I make up for not being there for my wife and kids?
4. My new husband is jealous of my time with my grandbaby.

Suggested Resources:
How We Love
Healing Is a Choice
Every Young Man’s Battle
Boundaries with Teens

TV Show:

Hosts:
Steve Arterburn, Dr. John Townsend, Dr. Jill Hubbard

Discussion Topics:
Self worth and confidence, body image and weight loss, fear and anxiety, pornography

Caller Questions:
1. Can you elaborate on how to stop attracting takers?
2. I hate the attention when I lose weight, but I have to for medical reasons.
3. Is there any way to stop recessed memories?
4. Should I divorce my husband after finding porn on his flash drive?

Suggested Resources:
Now What Do I Do?
Lose It for Life
Healing Is a Choice
Every Heart Restored

Hosts:
Steve Arterburn, Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. Dave Stoop

Discussion Topics:
Sexual integrity, creating boundaries, grief, surviving sexual abuse, dating

Caller Questions:
1. What can I say to my brother after his wife cheated on him?
2. How can I have a relationship with my ex-daughter-in-law?
3. My therapist says to grieve my childhood abuse, but I don’t know how.
4. Should I reveal my past suicide attempt to my girlfriend?

Suggested Resources:
Healing Is a Choice
Boundaries in Marriage
Forgiving the Unforgivable

TV Show:

Hosts:
Steve Arterburn, Dr. Sheri Denham, Milan Yerkovich

Discussion Topics:
Getting unstuck, anger management, marriage, fear and anxiety, dating

Caller Questions:
1. I’m 56 and trying to find purpose in my life.
2. Why have I been angry since my teens?
3. I left my abusive husband; how can I stop being anxious when I talk to him?
4. Is it black and white wrong to date a non-Christian?

Suggested Resources:
Every Man Bible
How We Love
Understanding Anger CD
Healing Is a Choice

Yes, what he did was irresponsible…and not to be commended. Yet nevertheless, he gave Americans a chance to collectively lighten up a bit…and underscored the importance of dealing with stress before it reaches the boiling point.

Many people initially come to see me because of job stress…either from the work itself or because of the stresses of dealing with difficult people at the worksite..I tell them I don’t believe in stress…meaning stress needs to be dealt with in the beginning stages…before it becomes destructive. As an advocate of positive mental health, one of the things I emphasize is the need to lighten up. Humor is one of the best ways to do this. In the book The Psychology of Happiness by Arlene Matthews Uhl, pages 74 through 76, there are several quotes that give credibility of the effectiveness of laughter:

“When we laugh, we feel good. In fact, it is impossible to feel bad when we laugh. Even if we are in the midst of a highly stressful or sad time, laughter offers us an oasis. Research shows it can even help us recover from the extreme distress that accompanies life-changing losses…When a University of Tel Aviv researcher interviewed Holocaust survivors, humor was repeatedly mentioned as a mechanism for helping people to survive trauma. When a researcher at the university of California at Berkeley studied widows and widowers whose spouses had died six months before, he noted that those who had established the ability to laugh within weeks of their loved one’s passing displayed less stress and many more positive emotions two to four years later. Humor, it turns-out, is not only a unique human tool to facilitate survival, but also a mechanism to facilitate thriving and resilience. The more laughs we have in our life, the better able we are to handle whatever comes our way and the more we are able to take pleasure from each day…Laughter elevates natural mood-enhancing endorphins and releases the feel-good brain chemical dopamine. At the same time, laughter turns down our stress hormone spigot. Studies show it also significantly lowers the chemical cortisol, which is associated with negative stress…After exposure to humor, there is a general increase in our immune system activity.”

Scripture lists joy as the second fruit of the Spirit, and states: “a merry heart does good like medicine” …and Christ wanted His “joy to be full in them (us)”.

You can increase your joy and happiness…and lower your stress level…by learning to see the bright side, increasing your exposure to humorous videos, books, and magazines, sharing humor with fellow workers, surrounding yourself with lighthearted people, and most important praying for more of the joy of the Lord!

Other helpful hints to reduce stress are to get a good night’s sleep, have quality nutrition, participate in your favorite exercise daily, learn how to manage difficult people, have a daily dose of play (slide down the slide at a playground instead?) and take life one day at a time.

Steven Slater’s dramatic exit can serve to remind us all to lighten up on the job. Bringing in lots of joy and laughter at work and at home can go a long way towards preventing personal distress, depression, and general malaise. And those around you will be encouraged and refreshed by your cheerful attitude. Remember: “The joy of the Lord is our strength!”

Hosts:
Steve Arterburn, Dr. John Townsend, Dr. Jill Hubbard

Discussion Topics:
Surviving sexual abuse, addictions, creating boundaries, affairs and infidelity

Caller Questions:
1. How can I overcome shame from childhood abuse?
2. My husband’s gambling addiction makes me want to leave, but I don’t work.
3. My mom is addicted to my little sister.
4. How can I get past my wife’s ongoing adultery?

Suggested Resources:
Hiding From Love
Boundaries
When You Love Too Much

TV Show:

Hosts:
Steve Arterburn, Dr. Dave Stoop, Dr. Sheri Denham

Discussion Topics:
Shame, forgiveness, marriage, affairs and infidelity, creating boundaries, parenting

Caller Questions:
1. How do I get past the shame of prostitution 10 years ago?
2. I am new at separation, what sexual boundaries should I have?
3. We are adopting an Ethiopian child; my mom is disowning us!
4. I found nude photos on my teen daughter’s phone; why did this happen?

Suggested Resources:
Healing Is a Choice
Forgiving the Unforgivable
Life Recovery Bible
Regret-Free Living
Boundaries with Teens

Discussion Topics:
Grief, getting unstuck, dating, marriage

Caller Questions:
1. How can I encourage my sister who was abandoned by her husband?
2. I can’t get my housework done and it upsets my husband.
3. I’m going through the empty nest syndrome; how can I connect again?
4. After my second marriage failed, should I give up on dating?
5. We’ve been married 3 years; what do you do after the courting stops?

Suggested Resources:
Healing Is a Choice
Regret-Free Living
Now What Do I Do?
Loving People