There’s a Bible verse that nails what it means to be a secure man, and especially a secure father. King Solomon said, “He who walks with integrity walks securely,” (Proverbs 10:9, NLT).

If you have integrity, you’re consistent. The way you talk and walk fit together. You have no secret sins. Your life is—essentially—an open book. And so, you don’t ever have to worry about being found out. Because you don’t have any secrets, you aren’t afraid that someone is going to discover something bad about you.

But if you’re living a life with secrets, you’re not walking in integrity. There’s no consistency, and the lack of integrity will make you a very weak and insecure man. So, how do you become a strong man who is a secure father? There are three things you can begin to do.

Clean Up Your Act

A lot of fathers don’t have any security whatsoever because they have a divided heart. You’ve got half of your heart wanting to serve God. But the other half is saturated with the darkness of this world. The problem is that your life is not just yours. As a father, your kids are watching; and they are impacted by how you live.

Perhaps you’re a guy who seems to have everything together. But you turn to alcohol to deal with the pain of your past. Or maybe you’re someone who leads and everyone thinks is a great person. But on the side, there’s pornography—your secret sin. You may think that being a great husband and father means making money is the most important thing. Yet, what you’re doing is serving your job and your career. All of this describes a divided heart. Those things will never satisfy you.

Scripture from David’s prayer in Psalm 51:10 says, “Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.”

Make the decision to live ‘whole heartedly‘. Admit your sins to God, connect with another godly man who is living a ‘’whole hearted‘ life. Begin to change the choices you have been making to create a life of integrity and honor.

Once you clean up your heart, you will start to live securely.

Make Wise Decisions

After you clean up your act, what next? Make sure that you don’t go back to the things that have made your heart dirty. Start by making responsible decisions. Assess your life and ask, ‘where am I making poor choices‘? Financial, spiritual, physical, career, home and family (not in that specific order). If you need help in any of these areas, seek out men who have knowledge and wisdom in the areas you need help to learn what you can do to change and improve your life.

Walk With Integrity

If you want to be more secure, start to walk the life of the godly man. Start with being honest about your issues with men who are living a godly life. If you hold it all inside and keep it all a secret, you’ll never be the secure man and father that you want to be. Connect with a group of men who are able to encourage each other in this walk.

Here’s one final word of caution. The Bible says, “Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone” (James 4:14). Life is short—it goes by fast. You don’t have that much time. Put a stake in the ground today. Decide that you are going to be a more secure man and father by cleaning up your act, making wise decisions, and walking with integrity.

If you need help finding a licensed Christian counselor or a Life Recovery Group, please call us at 800-NEW-LIFE.

When Anxiety Feels Like a Storm

Many believers know what it is like to feel suddenly overwhelmed—struggling to catch a full breath even when life looks “fine” on the surface. Anxiety can become such a normal background noise that people barely notice it until it spikes into panic, sleep problems, or physical symptoms their doctor cannot fully explain.

Scripture paints a vivid picture of this inner experience in the story of the disciples on the Sea of Galilee. They rowed hard against a violent storm, exhausted and afraid, feeling abandoned while waves beat against their boat. Only when Jesus appeared and said, “Take courage. It is I. Don’t be afraid,” did they begin to see that He was present and active in the very storm that terrified them.

In the same way, anxiety often tempts people to hide, isolate, or shut down. Yet God has designed His children to be spiritual warriors and kingdom workers, not prisoners of fear.

Anxiety as an “Alarm System,” Not a Failure

It is easy to see anxiety as a sign of spiritual weakness and wish it could simply be removed like a tumor or switched off like a light. But anxiety is better understood as an alarm system—similar to a smoke detector—that warns us something needs attention.

When ignored, that alarm often gets louder:

• Unfinished responsibilities or chronic stressors keep nagging at the mind.
• Unhealed wounds from past relationships continue to echo in the present.
• Hidden guilt, shame, or secrets quietly fuel inner turmoil.

Like a low‑battery smoke alarm that starts with an occasional chirp and eventually shrieks in the middle of the night, anxiety often intensifies when deeper issues remain unattended. It is not a moral defect, but a signal that something inside or around you needs comfort, truth, and action.

Anxiety also rarely exists in isolation. Over time, it often pairs with:

• Depression and hopelessness.
• Anger and irritability that spill onto loved ones.
• Addictions or numbing behaviors like overdrinking, pornography, overspending, or endless scrolling.

Seeing anxiety as an overactive alarm—and not a personal failure—opens the door to deal with its roots instead of only its noise.

CIA: Comfort, Investigation, Action

A simple framework can help address anxiety at any level—from everyday worry to panic attacks and specific phobias. The process follows three steps: Comfort, Investigation, Action.

Comfort: You Can’t Heal While You’re in Constant Shock

Before diving into the “why” behind anxiety, many people first need comfort and stabilization. Without comfort, the nervous system stays locked in fight‑or‑flight, making it difficult to think clearly or make wise choices.

Comfort can include:

• Safe relationships – Allowing at least one trusted person or group to hear the truth about your struggles without judgment.
• Wise medical care – For some, carefully prescribed medication can quiet an overactive alarm system enough to engage in deeper work.
• Scripture and prayer – Reading and memorizing verses about God’s peace gives the Holy Spirit language to speak in anxious moments, such as Philippians 4:6–7.
• Healthy physical habits – Movement, sleep, and nutrition; research repeatedly shows that exercise can reduce anxiety symptoms as effectively as some medications for many people.

Many adults live with a “comfort deficit” because their families never modeled emotional care. Building a new comfort system is often the first step toward lasting change.

Investigation: What Is This Anxiety Trying to Tell Me?

Once there is enough comfort to function, it becomes possible to gently ask, “What is this anxiety about?” Often the roots lie in unexamined parts of a person’s story.

Common sources include:

• Relational betrayal or abandonment – A spouse’s unfaithfulness, a parent who left, or friends who turned away can plant deep fears about being replaced, rejected, or not enough.
• Family secrets or unresolved grief – Hidden affairs, abortions, addictions, or sudden losses that were never truly processed or grieved.
• Patterns of bullying or shame – Experiences of being mocked for appearance, abilities, or personality can lead to chronic self‑criticism and hypersensitivity to others’ opinions.
• Trauma and emotional neglect – Growing up with violent outbursts, substance abuse, or emotionally absent caregivers can produce a constant background of fear.

Because it is hard to be objective about our own history, many people need a Christian counselor, mentor, or group to help “draw out” the deep waters of the heart. As painful memories are named and felt in a safe context, the anxiety they fuel often begins to lessen.

Action: Steps That Turn Fear Into Forward Motion

Comfort and insight alone are not enough; anxiety typically calls for concrete action. The specific steps depend on the story, but often include some mix of:

• Confession and repentance – Bringing secret behaviors (for example, pornography use, emotional affairs, substance abuse, or deception) into the light and turning from them.
• Forgiveness work – Wrestling with the process of forgiving those who have wounded you, as well as receiving God’s forgiveness and learning to forgive yourself.
• Grieving losses – Allowing tears and lament for what was lost: innocence, safety, a dream of what family “should have” been.
• Relational repair – Owning the ways anxiety-driven behavior (withdrawal, irritability, control) has hurt others and making amends where possible.
• New coping habits – Replacing numbing behaviors with healthier practices such as prayer, movement, creative expression, or reaching out to supportive people.

As people walk through confession, repentance, forgiveness, and grief in the presence of God and safe others, the issues anxiety has been “shouting” about often begin to quiet.

Calming the Body: Practical Tools for Panic and Physical Symptoms

Anxiety frequently shows up in the body: racing heart, shortness of breath, tight chest, nausea, shaking, or a sense of impending doom. While medical conditions should be ruled out by a physician, certain skills can help de‑escalate physical anxiety in the moment.

Helpful tools include:

• Grounding exercises – Focusing on what can be seen, heard, or touched in the room; naming colors or objects; or reading and spelling words backward to bring the mind back to the present.
• Breath work – Slow, diaphragmatic breathing with longer exhales than inhales to signal safety to the nervous system.
• Progressive muscle relaxation – Sequentially tensing and releasing major muscle groups to lower overall physical tension.
• Strong sensory input – Using cold water, a sour candy, or a distinct scent to interrupt spiraling thoughts and help re‑center.

Practicing these skills regularly—rather than only during crises—makes them more effective when panic or intense anxiety surges.

Screens, Social Media, and Spiritual Discernment

In a screen-saturated world, many people turn to phones and online communities for comfort and answers about their symptoms. While some online information and connection can be helpful, constant scrolling and symptom‑searching often feed anxiety rather than calm it.

Risks include:

• Algorithms repeatedly serving fear‑based content that amplifies health anxiety or panic.
• Echo chambers where others encourage resignation, isolation, or extreme solutions rather than growth and hope.
• Exposure to spiritually dangerous content, including occult practices or invitations to contact “spirits” for guidance.

Wise safeguards include:

• Keeping devices out of bedrooms and moving screen use into shared spaces.
• Scheduling regular “digital fasts” to reset the mind and nervous system.
• Reviewing online input through a biblical lens, remaining alert to spiritually unhealthy influences.

When intrusive or oppressive thoughts arise—especially suicidal commands or voices urging self‑harm—both spiritual and clinical responses are crucial: prayer and renouncing dark influences, honest confession, involvement from mature believers, and prompt evaluation by mental health and medical professionals.

The Role of Community, Counseling, and Hope

Anxiety thrives in secrecy and isolation, but it tends to shrink in safe, Christ-centered community.

Helpful supports include:

• Christian counseling – Working with a therapist who understands both faith and psychology to process trauma, attachment wounds, and distorted beliefs.
• Support groups – Joining a group of other believers facing similar struggles, where shared stories, encouragement, and prayer bring both comfort and challenge.
• Church family – Participating in a local body where you can both receive and give care, serving out of your gifts rather than only focusing on your symptoms.

Psalm 63 describes a believer who clings to God “through the watches of the night,” meditating on Him when fear could easily take over. The Lord does not shame His children for being anxious; He meets them in the storm, speaks peace, and invites them step by step into greater freedom.

If anxiety has been your “normal” for years, this can be a season to move from chaos to calm. With biblical truth, wise support, and practical tools, you can learn to quiet the alarm, heal its causes, and walk more fully into the life and calling God has for you.

Marriage as a Crucible, Not a Fairy Tale

Popular culture often portrays marriage as a pathway to constant happiness, but Scripture and Christian wisdom paint a different picture. Authors like Gary Thomas and Larry Crabb point out that God designed marriage as a place where holiness and character are forged—not just a vehicle for personal happiness.

Marriage can be understood as a crucible: the heat of everyday life with another person brings selfishness, impatience, and unresolved wounds to the surface so God can refine them. Instead of seeing conflict as proof that you married the wrong person, this perspective reframes marriage as one of God’s primary tools for spiritual growth.

Six “Deadly D’s” That Quietly Destroy Connection

Most marriages don’t collapse overnight; they erode slowly through patterns that undermine connection over time. Six common “deadly D’s” often show up:

Drifting

Drifting is the slow slide from lovers to roommates. Work, kids, stress, and screens pull spouses in different directions until they wake up feeling distant and disconnected. The attachment bond weakens when couples stop turning toward each other regularly.

Common signs include:

• Rare meaningful conversations beyond logistics.
• A sense of “living parallel lives” under the same roof.

Distractedness

Distraction is the opposite of emotional presence. Phones, work, ministry, hobbies, and even good things can become competitors with your spouse for attention.

Being in the same room is not the same as being emotionally available. Chronic distraction gradually communicates, “You’re not my priority,” and erodes trust and intimacy.

Demanding

When fear of rejection or abandonment rises, some spouses try to cope by controlling. They begin to expect their partner to “complete” them—a role only God can fill.

Unmet demands quickly turn into resentment and bitterness. The relationship shifts from “I desire closeness” to “I require you to meet my needs or I can’t be okay.”

Disinterest

Others cope by withdrawing. Rather than staying engaged, they stop being curious, stop asking questions, and assume they already know everything about their spouse.

Disinterest shows up when:

• You turn more toward work, kids, social media, or hobbies than toward your spouse.
• You no longer pursue their heart, dreams, or current struggles.

Over time, emotional starvation sets in.

Demonizing

Demanding and disinterest often slide into demonizing—seeing your spouse as the enemy instead of a gift from God.

This stage sounds like:

• “You always…” or “You never…”
• Shifting from “We have a problem” to “You are the problem.”

Conflict is normal in marriage, but contempt is deadly. Demonizing poisons the bond and makes repair much harder.

Divorce (or the “Death” of the Marriage)

The final D is divorce or the functional death of the relationship—staying legally married but emotionally disconnected. In some cases, especially with abuse or chronic, unrepentant betrayal, separation or divorce may become necessary. But often, it is the tragic result of years of drifting, distraction, and demonizing that were never addressed.

Six “Powerful P’s” That Help Renew Love

The good news is that disconnection does not have to be the end of the story. Six “powerful P’s” can help couples move from drifting apart to drawing close again.

Purpose: Choosing Covenant Over Contract

Renewal begins with remembering what marriage is. A contract says, “I’ll do my part if you do yours.” A covenant says, “I am committed to show up and work on this because of the promise I made to God, not only in reaction to your behavior.”

Living with purpose in marriage includes:

• Regularly discussing a shared vision: “Where is God leading us as a couple? What kind of marriage and home do we want to build?”
• Shifting from blame (“If you changed, we’d be fine”) to responsibility (“What is God calling me to change?”).

Presence: Being Emotionally, Not Just Physically, Available

Presence means being emotionally accessible, responsive, and engaged—not just sharing the same address.

You can grow presence by:

• Turning off devices and giving 10 minutes of undistracted, “eyeball to eyeball, kneecap to kneecap” conversation each day.
• Asking and answering questions about feelings, hopes, and fears, not just schedules and tasks.

Presence requires vulnerability, but it is the soil where safety and closeness grow.

Patience: Grace With Clear Boundaries

Patience is not passivity. It is giving your spouse room to grow while still honoring truth and boundaries.

Practicing patience often looks like:

• Responding instead of reacting—taking a breath or counting to ten before speaking in conflict.
• Letting go of unrealistic demands and adjusting expectations to what is actually possible with God’s help.

This does not mean ignoring harmful behavior; it means dealing with it steadily, without lashing out or giving up.

Passion: Intentionally Rekindling Fun and Intimacy

Passion is not just something you “fall into”; it is something you cultivate on purpose. Many couples who say, “We have nothing in common anymore,” stopped doing things together long ago.

To rekindle passion, couples can:

• Enter into each other’s interests (the game, the plant show, the walk) simply because they care about the person.
• Create new shared experiences—from adventures to quiet routines—rather than waiting for feelings to magically return.

Pursuit often rekindles affection that drifting and distraction have smothered.

Phrasing: Speaking Life Instead of Contempt

Words either erode a marriage or rebuild it. Phrasing means choosing to speak life, gratitude, and blessing over your spouse rather than criticism and sarcasm.

Practical ideas include:

• Writing an appreciation list of at least 10 things you value about your spouse and adding to it regularly.
• Expressing specific gratitude: “I noticed how you…,” “It meant a lot when you…”

You will see more of what you intentionally look for. Focusing on what you appreciate softens your heart and helps soften theirs.

Pursuing Perfection (Christ, Not Perfectionism)

The goal is not to become flawless spouses, but to pursue Christlikeness together. Perfectionism demands, criticizes, and shames. Pursuing Christ humbles, encourages, and restores.

This pursuit shows up when spouses:

• Honestly name areas where they want to grow (for example, self‑control, spiritual leadership, or gentleness) and invite accountability.
• Celebrate each other’s progress, even when growth is slow and imperfect.

As both partners pursue Jesus, their marriage increasingly becomes a living picture of the gospel: forgiveness, faithfulness, and sacrificial love.

Special Challenges: Betrayal, Addiction, Spiritual Mismatch, and Mental Health

Some marriages face more than everyday stress. Deep wounds require special care and often outside help.

Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal

After betrayal, trust doesn’t return to “neutral.” It shifts from “I don’t know if I can trust you” to “I now know I cannot trust you.” Rebuilding requires both time and consistent trustworthy behavior—not just apologies.

Key factors include:

• Radical honesty and transparency about whereabouts, devices, and relationships.
• Repeated, non‑defensive reassurance: “I see your pain. I’m not hiding. I’m committed to lasting change so I can become trustworthy again.”

Forgiveness does not mean pretending it never happened. It is a process, over time, of releasing the right to keep re‑weaponizing the wound as real change is demonstrated.

Addiction and Boundaries

Where addiction is present—sexual, chemical, or otherwise—clear boundaries are essential. Boundaries are not rejection; they are a form of love and protection.

For example:

“I love you and want our marriage to heal, but I will not cover for your drinking or sexual acting out. Here’s what I need to feel safe.”

Safety—emotional, spiritual, and physical—is a prerequisite for genuine healing and renewed intimacy.

When a Spouse Is Not Spiritually Engaged

If your spouse seems spiritually indifferent or resistant, you are not alone. God sees your loneliness and the ache you carry.

Helpful responses include:

• Praying for your spouse, not at them—asking God to soften their heart rather than using prayer to preach.
• Being a steady, respectful witness of Christ’s love instead of nagging or shaming.
• Letting your spiritual hunger drive you deeper into Christ and Christian community, not into bitterness.

Mental Health Struggles

When a spouse or child lives with significant mental health issues, the whole family carries extra stress, anxiety, and sometimes depression. That burden is not a sign you are failing as a Christian or spouse; it is simply heavy.

Wisdom for these seasons includes:

• Refusing to carry the burden alone—joining a small group, church community, or support group where you can share honestly and receive prayer and encouragement.
• Offering presence more than solutions: “I’m with you. I’m not going anywhere,” often brings more healing than trying to fix everything.

When Your Spouse Won’t “Do the Work”

A common frustration in struggling marriages is, “How can I get my spouse to change?” The hard truth is that you cannot force another person to do the work.

What you can do is:

• Own your part and let God change you—addressing one deadly D and practicing one powerful P consistently.
• Share humbly what you are learning: “Here’s what God is showing me about my part and how I’m working to love you better,” rather than, “You need to change.”

From a family systems perspective, when one person genuinely changes how they show up, the relational pattern itself must shift. At first, your spouse may try to pull you back into old dynamics, but patient, Spirit-led consistency over time makes new patterns possible.

Small Steps Toward Renewed Love

Attempting to fix everything at once usually overwhelms both spouses. A more realistic approach is to:

• Choose one deadly D to confront in your marriage (for example, drifting or demonizing).
• Choose one powerful P to practice intentionally this week (for example, presence or phrasing).

Maybe you name drifting and commit to 10 distraction‑free minutes of daily connection. Maybe you recognize criticism and choose to speak one sincere appreciation every day.

If you feel stuck despite your efforts, consider reaching out for Christ-centered help through counseling, small groups, or specialized marriage intensives that focus on healing patterns, rebuilding trust, and learning new skills for connection.

With God’s grace and practical steps, renewing love in marriage is possible. Move from drifting to pursuing, from disconnection to renewed love, and from painful patterns to a marriage that increasingly reflects Christ’s faithful, redeeming love.

1. Education.

OCD happens when someone struggles with obsessive thoughts and compulsions that are recurring and unwanted. Signs and symptoms include:

• Disturbing and unwanted thoughts
• Fear of contamination, illnesses, disease
• Excessive handwashing
• Hoarding
• Excessive cleaning

2. Evaluation.

The first—and the most important—step to getting help for OCD is to reach out to a doctor or mental health care professional and ask to be evaluated. Work with a doctor to get a correct diagnosis and treatment plan.

3. Medication.

Although there is still a stigma surrounding using medication for mental health, remember that taking medication does not mean someone is weak or is not trusting God. In fact, for many people struggling with OCD, taking medication is brave. Talk with a doctor or mental health care professional about a medication that might help.

4. Relaxation.

OCD manifests in diverse ways and is caused by many triggers. But one of those triggers is stress. If stress is a factor, try relaxing regularly. An effective way to relax is to take regular breaks throughout the day to breathe deeply, listen to music, meditate on a Bible verse, or spend time with a pet.

5. Rest.

Without a doubt, having OCD can make getting enough sleep challenging. And not getting enough sleep can make OCD symptoms even more severe the next day. Tips to get a good night’s sleep:

• Stop using electronics an hour before bed.
• Exercise during the day.
• Use natural sleep aids and supplements.
• Go to bed and get up at the same time.

6. Acceptance.

Managing OCD symptoms, such as unwanted thoughts, happens through acceptance. Trying to not think about pink elephants doesn’t make a person stop thinking about them—it makes a person think about pink elephants even more. So, instead of suppressing thoughts or feeling ashamed, be curious and show self-compassion.

7. Journaling.

Writing in a journal is one of the best ways to pay attention to the present moment without judgment. By learning to observe thoughts and feelings with curiosity and compassion, individuals can reduce their reactivity and increase their ability to tolerate discomfort without giving in to urges.

8. Counseling.

Seeing a counselor empowers a person with OCD to learn to confront their obsessions while resisting urges. According to the International OCD Foundation, up to 80 percent of individuals with OCD who receive treatment experience significant improvement.

If you or a loved one needs help with OCD, please know we are here! Call us at 800-NEW-LIFE to find a licensed Christian counselor to help you.

by Kimberlee Bousman

Step 1: Develop insight.
The way our primary caregivers noticed and responded to our needs continues to influence how we respond to stress and relationships today. Take time to reflect on the following questions, and write your responses in a journal:

• Did my parents notice when I was distressed and offer comfort or a listening ear?
• How do I respond to stress now? In what ways do I express and receive love? What typically happens when I face conflict?

When parents consistently noticed and responded with comfort during times of distress, they modeled healthy attachment and helped their children develop a secure attachment style. However, many caregivers were unable to provide consistent nurture, comfort, or emotional connection. As a result, most of us developed some form of insecure attachment style. Seeing a New Life Counselor can help you.

Step 2: Become aware of your patterns.
Begin by identifying your emotional triggers and unhealthy relational patterns. Emotional triggers are sudden, intense emotional reactions that are often rooted in past trauma, pain, or stress. Common examples include:

• Struggling to say “no”
• Withdrawing or shutting down during conflict
• Feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness or emotions
• Criticizing, sulking, pouting, stonewalling, or emotionally detaching

Step 3: Compare your patterns with the different attachment styles.
Below are the six attachment styles and how to grow:

1. Avoider – Ignores emotional needs, remains distant, and minimizes feelings. Growth begins by allowing emotions to be felt rather than suppressed.
2. Pleaser – Focuses on keeping others happy and avoiding conflict, often struggling to say “no,” set boundaries, or express emotions. Growth requires shifting from appeasing others to setting healthy boundaries.
3. Vacillator – Desires close connection but fears abandonment, leading to emotional ups and downs. Growth comes from focusing on understanding personal reactions rather than others’ actions.
4. Controller – Uses control or anger to avoid vulnerability. Growth begins by recognizing the fears beneath the need for control.
5. Victim – Feels powerless or unworthy and struggles to assert needs. Growth occurs when unhealthy or abusive dynamics are recognized and no longer tolerated.
6. Secure Connector – Comfortable with intimacy and independence, communicates needs clearly, manages conflict well, and builds healthy relationships.

If You’d Like to Learn More About Attachment Styles, Order a Copy of Marc Cameron’s Book, Understanding Your Attachment Style.

Examples of what not to say-

• I used to lust after almost every woman I saw (but now I’m not)
• I could be looking at porn every day when I’m at work (but I don’t)
• If I wanted to sleep with my assistant I could (but I’m not)
• I could lie and completely get away with it (but I’m not)
• I could still be deleting texts from my phone and you’d never know (but I’m not)
• If I wanted to get around the internet filter I could (but I don’t)
• I used to flirt with women at church all the time (but I’m not now)

Hopefully you get the point. It’s never helpful to measure today’s progress against what you aren’t doing or could be doing that is worse. We talked about this a little bit in the Measuring Up blog post here. It is neither comforting nor reassuring to for a wife/significant other to hear how bad things could be or used to be, as a way of seeing progress in the present.

Practically, when you feel hopelessness because progress seems elusive, focus on the future rather than the past. Invite the person you’re wooing back to you to hang on and watch another day. To give you another week. To reassess on Friday. Whatever the timeline, give them something to cling to, rather than something to try to throw as far as they can see.

In the beginning of recovery it is important to celebrate the victories of not acting out. While taking it one day at a time, we need the motivation and encouragement of seeing the end of a day lived with integrity. We also need the hope it brings; that maybe these days can be strung together to form weeks, months or even years.

But somewhere along the way that has to change.

There comes a point where we can no longer measure down, we have to start measuring up. We can no longer measure our recovery by what we’re not doing, but instead have to look at what we’re being called to. I hear too often, after an integrity lapse, a man say “well, at least I’m better than how I used to be” or “at least I’m not doing what I used to do”. I think in many ways this excuse/rationalization is a way to hold onto hope. It’s a coping mechanism to avoid slipping into the despair that comes with feelings of failure and disappointment. It is an attempt to escape the shame of sin.

The good news is that our hope is not in our best behavior; it is in our Savior. God promises through the words of Paul the Apostle that He will complete the good work He began in us. He is committed to our sanctification and will empower us to fight another day.

Don’t let yourself be lulled into measuring your journey down, against what you aren’t doing anymore. Instead, be committed to measuring up, setting your sights on becoming the man God is calling you to be. Each day lived a little more like the men He is calling us to be is another day farther from being the old men we were.

Since Mary’s children and grandchildren were all grown, the toys remained in their packages and were stacked from floor to ceiling.  Eventually, she stopped going out of her house altogether and refused to let any of her children or grandchildren come to see her.

When her children realized she had a problem, they encouraged her to get help.  Seeing a counselor helped her to deal with the loss of her husband’s death.  And the counselor was able to meet in her home and help her take steps to get rid of most of the toys she had been hoarding.

Overcoming compulsive hoarding may seem impossible.  But if you know anyone who struggles with a hoarding disorder, there’s hope!

Here are some do’s and don’ts for helping a loved one who struggles with compulsive hoarding.

Do watch for warning signs
There are some obvious warning signs of hoarding.  Hoarding is an obsessive-compulsive disorder and can be described as:

• Anxiety over throwing things away
• Buying or acquiring items that have no use
• Having rooms in a home become unusable for their intended purpose because they’re too full of possessions

Have you seen any of these warning signs in a friend, neighbor, or family member?  If so, they may need help for a hoarding disorder.

Don’t do the work
You might be tempted to do the work for your loved one.  But if you declutter their home without their help, it may lead them to want to accumulate more things.  When you do the work for your loved one, you’ll have to keep doing it.  You should wait until you see your family member or friend going to a counselor and beginning to deal with their underlying issues before you help them declutter.

Do plan an intervention
Talk with them alone and encourage them to get help.  If they don’t, contact a licensed Christian counselor or professional interventionist to help you plan an intervention and treatment plan.  This follows the Biblical principle of how to deal with conflict outlined in Mathew 18:16, “But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses.”

Don’t enable
It’s common for friends and family members to do things that ultimately make it easier for someone who struggles with hoarding to continue to hoard.  Are you doing anything to enable your loved one?  Some examples of enabling include:

• Buying or tolerating more clutter in the home
• Avoiding confrontation
• Giving money to them
• Living in dangerous conditions without contacting the authorities

Your loved one is responsible for their addiction, not you.  By enabling your loved one, you’ll prevent them from taking responsibility for themselves.

Do help set goals
Maintaining a positive, loving relationship with someone who struggles with hoarding will help them go far in their recovery.  How to connect with them?  Listen closely without condemnation or judgment.  And encourage them to plan and set their own goals.  To help them set goals, respect their attachment to their possessions and let them know their feelings are important.

Don’t have unrealistic expectations
It’s rare for someone who struggles with hoarding to fully recover enough to maintain a clean and clutter-free home for the rest of their life.  But if they are willing to get help, they can make progress.  Be careful about setting unrealistic expectations on them and demanding that they change.  So instead of saying, “Your kitchen should be clean, but it’s a disaster.  Clean it now!”  You should say, “I’m concerned about you having a fire.  Can we clean up the area around your stove?” As you let go of unrealistic expectations—your relationship with your loved one will greatly improve.

Do you have a loved one who struggles with compulsive hoarding disorder?  If so, please know it may take a long time for someone to recover.  So don’t be surprised if they continue to struggle even after they’ve made progress.  After all, the path to progress includes hills and valleys—it’s not just a straight line.

1. What is depression and how does it affect mental health?
   We all experience low points in life—losing a spouse or child, going through a divorce, or facing job loss. However, depression is different. It is a mood disorder characterized by persistent feelings of sadness and a loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed.
2. What are the common signs and symptoms of depression?
   Depression can occur once or multiple times in a lifetime. During these episodes, symptoms often persist most of the day, nearly every day.
   Common signs of depression include:
   • Persistent sadness
   • Feelings of emptiness
   • Tearfulness or hopelessness
   • Irritability, anger, or frustration
   • Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies, sex, or sports
   • Sleep problems, including insomnia or oversleeping
   • Fatigue and low energy
   • Changes in appetite or weight
   • Anxiety, restlessness, or agitation
3. What are the main sources and causes of depression?
   Depression is usually not the result of one factor, but it may stem from a combination of genetic, biological, psychological, and environmental factors. Differences in brain function that regulate mood, sleep, appetite, and thinking can also play a role. Hormonal changes during pregnancy, postpartum, menopause, or thyroid issues may trigger episodes. Life stressors such as trauma, loss, chronic illness, difficult relationships, social isolation, and low self-esteem can increase vulnerability.
4. How does depression affect daily life and relationships?
   Depression is more than feeling sad—it can impact nearly every part of daily life. Even basic tasks like getting dressed, cooking, or showering can feel overwhelming. Persistent fatigue often leads to missed work, lack of exercise, and poor eating habits, creating a cycle of guilt and inadequacy. Relationships can also suffer, as depression may cause withdrawal from friends and family, increasing feelings of isolation.
5. What are the most effective solutions to heal from depression?
   Healing from depression usually requires a combination of approaches. Effective strategies include:
   • Seeking professional help through therapy with a New Life Counselor or medication
   • Breaking isolation and building supportive social connections
   • Practicing healthy lifestyle habits such as regular exercise

If you or someone you love struggles with depression, find comfort in the words of the psalmist: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” (Psalm 34:18, NLT).

by Kimberlee Bousman

Dopamine: The Reward Chemical
Dopamine is known as the “feel-good” hormone because it gives a sense of pleasure. Practice self-care daily to increase your dopamine levels. When you get enough sleep, eat healthy, practice being present, take a hot bath, accomplish goals, and check off the items on your to-do list, you will feel your dopamine soar! Not sure about what goals to set? Ask these thought-provoking questions:

• • “How can I make self-care a priority?”
  • “Which tasks really need my attention right now?”
  • “What dreams or experiences have I been longing to pursue?”

Oxytocin: The Love Hormone
Oxytocin is the chemical you experience when you connect with others. Studies have shown that social isolation can lead to a reduction in the volume of the prefrontal cortex. But when you experience a safe connection, the mirror neurons in your brain light up. Have you connected with someone today? If not, try making an actual phone call to hear another person’s voice. When you are with someone you love, use physical touch such as handshakes, hugs, and kisses. Even if you live alone, you can still experience connection by having a pet.

Serotonin: The Mood Stabilizer
Serotonin is a chemical your body naturally produces that can help you stabilize your mood. You can increase serotonin when you focus your thoughts on the Word of God, pray for the things you have on your mind, and express gratitude. Other ways are to get outside to experience nature, sunlight, rain, fresh air, etc. Be aware of your feelings, thoughts, moods, and intentions. Becoming more aware of your thoughts will help to set your mind “on things above, not on earthly things” (Colossians 3:2, New International Version).

Endorphins: The Pain Killer
Endorphins are natural painkillers that help your body alleviate both physical and emotional pain. For example, laughter is one of the best ways to produce endorphins. Try watching a funny movie, sharing a joke, and looking for humor in the unexpected. Your body produces endorphins when you exercise. Try exercising each day by walking, running, dancing, or anything else that works up a sweat. You can also get creative by finding a hobby, listening to or playing music, watching a play, or reading fiction.

Want to improve your mental health but don’t know where to start? Call us at 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433) to find a licensed counselor or certified coach who can help you.

by Becky Brown

Having an identity crisis can take you to places you don’t want to go and to do things you never thought you’d do. An identity crisis may lead to:

• Having an affair
• Making poor financial decisions
• Turning to addiction

Overcoming an identity crisis requires identity reconstruction. For some of us struggling with addiction, though, identifying ourselves as addicts and forming our identity around our addiction keeps us stuck in addiction. Self-identification can explain why some of us struggle with addiction but continue using despite adverse consequences.

What stops us from forming a new identity? Fear. Many of us struggle with fear so much that it can keep us from discovering our real worth in Christ. Don’t let fear, anxiety, panic, or anything else hinder you from uncovering who you are as a person in Christ and His purpose for you.

One person in the Bible who struggled with fear but overcame it to discover his true identity was Jacob. Jacob had deceived his brother, Esau, out of his birthright. Then Jacob ran away and began a whole new life; eventually, however, Esau caught up with him. When Jacob heard Esau had 700 men with him and was headed toward him, “Jacob was terrified at the news” (Genesis 32:7, NLT).

But that night, Jacob found his real identity. He wrestled with God’s Spirit and received a new name, Israel, reflecting a transformed identity and purpose. He was renamed Israel, symbolizing his transformation.

The story of Jacob’s wrestling match with God offers valuable insights into our identity crisis. During that pivotal encounter, Jacob grappled with the divine and his own sense of self. If Jacob had let his fear get the better of him, he never would’ve discovered his worth to the Lord.

This story teaches us that wrestling with our identities can be a profound and even sacred recovery process. Often, the struggle to understand who we are can lead to a deeper, more authentic sense of identity. To learn more about your identity in Christ, find a New Life Recovery Group to join here.

As Jacob became Israel, you can overcome your addiction and find your identity in Christ. If you’re in Christ, don’t let fear limit you. You’re a child of the King—an heir to all good things. Go and be who God intended you to be!

Here are eight things you can do to help you cope with having a difficult day.

1. Slow down.
Take a moment to slow down your breathing and deepen it. Here’s an exercise to try: Put a hand to your chest and stomach. Then take a deep breath in and slowly let it out. This is like taking a time out to tell your body, “It’s going to be okay.”

2. Ground yourself.
When your thoughts, emotions, and body seem to be spinning around, grounding yourself in the present is a valuable tool. Look around to see your surroundings. What do you see? Trees? Something else? What do you feel? Do you feel a chair or a desk? Then, stomp your feet. Grounding yourself in your present surroundings can help you deal with your emotions.

3. Move.
There are a few simple things you can do to move your body that will help you cope with having a bad day. Try going for a walk around the block. If you’re at work, take the long route to the restroom. Dancing is fun; it is great exercise. However you choose to move, it will benefit you by relieving stress and anxiety.

4. Question your reaction.
Ask yourself, “Is this reaction appropriate for my circumstances, or am I overreacting?” If your body feels shaky or weak, that could indicate that there’s something deeper going on. If this keeps happening, it may be a pattern or a sign of unhealed trauma from your past. Consider seeing a New Life Counselor or Coach for support.

5. Ask God to hold, maintain, and sustain you.
Read the Psalms. Cry out to God. And trust God to take care of you. Although there are times when He may feel far away, He is right beside you. Turn to Him, and He will carry you during this challenging time.

6. Get support.
When faced with a disastrous day, it’s natural to try to go through it alone. However, seeking support is a proactive and beneficial way to not only get through a dreadful day, but grow from it. Reach out to a friend or trusted individual, let them know you’re going through a tough time and ask them to pray for you. Cultivating relationships with safe people who support you will undoubtedly make you feel loved and encouraged, even in the most difficult of circumstances.

7. Journal.
Another healthy way to cope with challenging feelings like anxiety, worry, or fear is journaling. Writing your thoughts down will help you work through them by allowing you to externalize your anxious thoughts, put them into words, and then put them aside rather than obsess over them. Externalizing what is happening to you internally will lighten your load.

8. Increase self-care.
It is essential to consistently practice self-care to relax and restore your sanity. Consider various activities that can help you take care of yourself and enhance your overall well-being. Getting sufficient sleep, exercising, eating well, and allocating time for fun are a few ways to increase your self-care that will improve your day—not to mention your life.

On difficult days, it may feel like your life is falling apart. But remember, you can always reach out to us at 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433). We have the tools and support you need to begin to put your life back together again.

by Dr. Jill Hubbard

1. Shame is lifted.
   Guilt and shame can hold us back in our recovery. But when we confess our struggles to God and another person, that weight begins to lift. Confess your sins, and you will be free from the shame you have been carrying.
2. Your relationship with God is restored.
   Sin separates us from God, who is holy. If you have wandered away from God, the first step is to turn from your sins and toward God. Forgiveness is only possible through Christ’s finished work on the cross.
3. Pride is removed.
   What is a barrier that keeps us from God and others? Pride. When we are prideful, we want to get our way. Even though pride comes naturally for all of us, confession takes humility. Therefore, when you confess, one of the blessings is that your pride is destroyed and your humility grows.
4. Accountability is put into action.
   It’s one thing for you to have a sponsor or an accountability partner; however, it’s another thing to meet with them and confess your struggles. Make sure you have an accountability partner or sponsor you meet with regularly to confess any of the bad choices you’ve made, or the areas in which you’ve been tempted.
5. Unhealthy habits are overcome.
   Willpower alone is not enough to change our lives. Why? Addictions, unhealthy relationships, and old patterns are too hard for us to break free from on our own. To help you triumph over these struggles, admit to yourself that you have a problem. Next, be honest with God. Finally, tell someone you trust. Find a New Life Recovery Group.
6. Relationships are renewed.
   By confessing, your relationships will improve. This doesn’t mean every relationship will be reconciled. After all, relationships are a two-way street—they take two people to make them work. However, taking responsibility can improve your chances of reconciling with those whom you may be estranged.
7. Trust is established.
   Safety, trust, and honesty are essential for every relationship. However, when you have broken someone’s trust, confession is necessary to reestablish it. After you confess, follow through with any changes that you need to make. Then, others will see that they can trust you again.
8. Community becomes authentic.
   One of the biggest blessings of confession is that a community will thrive. A community, such as a Life Recovery Group, must ask participants tough questions. Join a New Life Recovery Group today. A Life Recovery Group will help you find others to hold you accountable; in turn, you will hold others accountable.

Do you need support? Call 800-NEW-LIFE to connect with a counselor or coach.

by Kimberlee Bousman

1. Presence Over Presents
   It’s easy to get caught up in gift-giving, shopping, and holiday busyness. In recovery, practicing mindfulness and being fully present helps you appreciate time with loved ones, savor simple moments, and focus on relationships rather than material things. Listen actively in conversations, notice the joy in small traditions, and celebrate presence over presents.
2. Avoid Holiday Humbug
   The holidays can trigger stress, cravings, and old habits. Plan ahead to protect your peace: set boundaries with family, plan early exits from events and stay connected to supportive friends or mentors. Avoid the “holiday humbug” by keeping your environment recovery-friendly, attending sober gatherings, and focusing on meaningful experiences instead of indulgence.
3. Faith Over Fear
   Daily spiritual practices are essential for maintaining emotional and mental well-being in recovery. Read God’s Word each day—this Christmas, try reading one chapter of Luke each day leading up to Christmas. With 24 chapters in Luke, this allows you to read one chapter a day and finish by Christmas. This will enable you to reflect on hope, faith, and God’s promises as you prepare for the holiday. Begin and end your day in prayer. If you’re unsure what to pray, the Serenity Prayer and the Lord’s Prayer are powerful tools for guidance, peace, and strength; download them here. Leaning on faith will empower you to overcome anxiety, stress, or fear during the holiday season.
4. Unwrap Some Grace
   Recovery often includes forgiving yourself and others. Let go of grudges, past mistakes, and unrealistic expectations. Practice kindness and understanding in your interactions, especially with family and friends during the holidays. Volunteering, helping others, or participating in community outreach can also be a way to extend grace and shift focus from stress to meaningful action. This Christmas, give the gift of grace—to yourself and others.
5. Don’t Stay Home Alone
   Isolation can increase holiday stress and relapse risk. Stay connected with supportive friends, mentors, sponsors, and New Life Recovery Groups. Attend church or community gatherings, set up a buddy system, or invite a friend to a holiday activity like decorating, baking, or watching a Christmas movie together. Building connections keep your recovery strong and your holiday joyful.
6. Reflect Without Regret
   Before the year ends, take time to journal and reflect on your recovery journey. Using tools like the Life Recovery Blank Journal, ask yourself:
   • What went well this year?
   • What could I have done differently?
   • What goals do I want to set for next year?
   • Which healthy habits do I need to start?

Just like Mary, who faced uncertainty but chose to focus on faith over fear, you too can find joy in recovery at Christmas.

1. Admit
   Begin by taking full responsibility for your actions. Avoid vague apologies like “Sorry if I hurt you,” and instead clearly admit what you did wrong. For example, you might say, “I admit that I got angry at you and raised my voice.” By acknowledging your specific actions, you are taking the first essential step toward offering a sincere and effective apology.

2. Ask
   It takes courage to admit that you hurt someone, but that alone is not enough for a good apology. After acknowledging that your actions were wrong, take the next step and ask the person you hurt how your actions affected them. By doing this, you demonstrate humility and a genuine desire to understand their experience.
   Some questions you might ask include:
   • “How did that impact you?”
   • “What was that like for you?”
   • “How did you feel when that happened?”

3. Acknowledge
   Communicate that your actions caused the other person pain. By acknowledging the hurt you caused—whether knowingly or unknowingly—you demonstrate empathy and validate their feelings. After asking how your actions affected them, take the time to truly listen and then acknowledge their emotions. For example, you might say, “I can understand why that was upsetting.”
   

4. Amend
   Acknowledging how your actions caused someone emotional pain is not enough. You must take it a step further by making amends. By making amends, you are helping to repair the relationship and rebuild trust.
   Examples of making amends include:
   • Paying back any money owed
   • Replacing what was broken
   • Changing behaviors that caused the rupture

5. Accountability
   An apology that is sincere also includes a plan to prevent future harm. Without a plan for accountability, unhealthy patterns will often continue. Develop a plan of how you’ll handle things differently in the future. And commit to having accountability in the form of having an accountability partner, attending a New Life Recovery Group, or seeing a New Life Counselor or Coach.

Anyone can say “sorry.” But when you practice the Five A’s—Admit, Ask, Acknowledge, Amend, and Accountability—you’re not just apologizing. You’re building a stronger, healthier relationship that is more likely to stand the test of time.  Do you need help with making a good apology? Call 800-NEW-LIFE.

by Marc Cameron

One practice that can accelerate your recovery is gratitude. It supports your brain, strengthens mental health, and reinforces positive habits. Here are 7 ways focusing on gratitude can help.

1. Practicing gratitude may rewire your brain.
   Although addiction can alter brain chemistry, neuroplasticity allows the brain to heal once the substance is stopped. Focusing on gratitude helps strengthen healthy neural pathways and supports recovery by reinforcing positive thought patterns.
2. Writing a thank-you note can improve mental health.
   Something as simple as writing a letter of thanks to someone who has supported your recovery—a sponsor, a counselor, or friend—can boost your mood and foster positivity. In a study at the University of Texas at Austin, participants who wrote a “thank-you” letter reported feeling more positive afterward and underestimated how much the recipients would enjoy it.
3. Being grateful draws you closer to God.
   Colossians 4:2 (NLT) says, “Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.” It reminds us to constantly have an attitude of gratitude through prayer. As you begin and end each day in prayer, tell God why you’re thankful. By telling God why you’re thankful, you will develop a stronger trust in Him.
4. Giving thanks helps to calm you.
   Anxiety. Worry. Fear. Stress. All of these can overwhelm your mind. When you feel anxious, take a moment to pause, breathe deeply, and say aloud three things you’re grateful for. This simple practice shifts your focus, calms your nervous system, and helps restore a sense of peace.
5. Acknowledging your blessings may reduce your risk of relapsing.
   Disconnection, stress, cravings, and unhealthy coping mechanisms can increase relapse risk. Research shows that higher levels of gratitude are linked to better recovery outcomes. In a 2017 study at the University of Minnesota, participants entering abstinence-based treatment for alcohol use disorders who reported higher gratitude had more days of abstinence six months later. Saying aloud or journaling your blessings can help you cultivate gratitude and strengthen your focus on recovery.
6. Focusing on gratitude boosts your mood.
   Dopamine, a brain chemical that regulates reward and pleasure, is naturally stimulated when you practice gratitude. Addictive substances, like alcohol or pornography, hijack the brain by flooding it with dopamine. Gratitude strengthens healthy neural pathways—including supporting dopamine levels—without the harmful effects of addiction.
7. Celebrating small wins motivates you to keep going.
   Keep track of your victories visually. For example, for each month you remain sober, place a chip from the New Life Recovery Chip Starter Kit in a jar. Display it somewhere you’ll see every day—a desk, kitchen counter, dresser, or nightstand—to remind yourself of your progress and reinforce motivation.

Struggling with your recovery and need help? call 800-NEW-LIFE.

by Kimberlee Bousman

Though life may seem hard for a veteran who struggles with PTSD, God’s faithful love is much stronger than any problem they may face. Isaiah 54:10 (NLT) says, “For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then my faithful love for you will remain.”

If you or a loved one is a military vet, here are some signs and symptoms of PTSD to watch out for.

1. Nightmares
   Having recurring bad dreams is often a replay of traumatic events. Nightmares can make it difficult to fall back to sleep. This lack of sleep for a few months or more is severe enough to cause problems at work and home. See a counselor in the New Life Counselor Network to get a diagnosis and plan to treat the PTSD and help with the nightmares.
2. Hypervigilance
   Being hypervigilant is common among veterans because of long-term exposure to elevated stress levels and specific military training that encourages heightened attention. Suppose a veteran remains on heightened alert for a long time. In that case, they may learn to cope by using unhealthy coping strategies such as alcohol, drugs, pornography, avoiding others, working too much, or even angry or violent behavior. It’s important to learn relaxation techniques to overcome hypervigilance.
3. Panic Attacks
   Veterans have a higher risk for anxiety and panic attacks. Some of the symptoms of a panic attack include a fear of dying, shortness of breath, and tightness of the throat. It’s crucial in a panic attack to ground yourself in the present.When a panic attack is coming on, try this calming technique:
   • Name 5 things you can see.
   • Name 4 things you can hear.
   • Name 3 things you can feel.
   • Name 2 things you can smell.
   • Name 1 thing you can taste.

4. Suicidal Ideation
   The suicide rate of military veterans is double that of civilians, according to the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs. How can you know if someone is suicidal? Ask them. Asking them won’t put the idea in their head. If they are in immediate danger, call 911. If they struggle with suicidal thoughts from time to time, call 988 to speak with a trained counselor at the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Finally, help them find a counselor by setting up a counseling appointment—take them to the appointment to make sure they go.
5. Depression
   Struggling to cope with trauma may lead military veterans to feel depressed. But thankfully, there are many successful treatments for veterans with depression. Meeting with friends, getting plenty of exercise, and attending a Life Recovery Group can help ease depression. Milder forms of depression can be treated with counseling; in contrast, more severe depression can be overcome with a combination of counseling and medication.
6. Feeling Numb
   On the one hand, some veterans who have PTSD may struggle with hypervigilance. But on the other hand, many veterans find themselves emotionally numb. Emotional numbness is a state of being in which one is not feeling or expressing emotions. Veterans may do this to protect themselves from further pain. But to heal, they must allow themselves to feel. Find a therapist to help unpack painful emotions and begin to heal from trauma.

If you or a loved one is a military veteran and is struggling with these or any other symptoms of PTSD, call us at 800-NEW-LIFE to find a counselor who can help.

By Kimberlee Bousman

1. Begin and end each day in prayer.
   Recovery requires trusting in a power greater than ourselves. Start each day by turning to God—thank Him for your blessings and surrender the day to His guidance. Then, at the end of the day, offer a prayer of thanks for His help in navigating the challenges you faced. Beginning and ending your day in prayer strengthens your faith.
2. Maintain a consistent routine and schedule.
   A consistent routine provides purpose, structure, and clarity. Know how you’re spending your time each day and week. If you’re unsure, track your activities for a few days to see where your hours go. Are you using your time wisely, or letting it slip away on distractions like technology? If adjustments are needed, intentionally add activities that support your recovery—like attending a New Life Recovery Group—to strengthen your growth and accountability.
3. Practice habits that will bring you closer to your goals.
   Ask yourself: Are the habits you practice today helping you get closer to where you want to be tomorrow? Or are they the same old patterns that kept you stuck in addiction? If it’s the latter, take time to reassess and intentionally add daily habits that support your recovery and move you toward your goals.
4. Admit any mistakes you make promptly.
   One reason people get stuck in recovery—or even relapse—is failing to recognize mistakes. Each day when you notice that your thoughts, decisions, or actions are leading you in the wrong direction, admit them promptly. Addressing missteps right away helps you get back on track immediately.
5. Respond thoughtfully rather than reacting.
   In difficult moments—when a conversation heats up or temptation is near—it’s easy to react in anger or make a poor choice. Instead, pause. Take a walk, count to ten, or simply breathe and think. Consider the potential consequences of your actions and choose to respond thoughtfully. This practice helps you avoid regret and strengthens your recovery.
6. Celebrate small victories.
   Whatever you focus on grows. If you dwell only on mistakes, you risk shaping your identity around them. As the Bible says, “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Prov. 23:7, KJV). Instead, focus on the small wins you accomplish each day. Reflecting on your progress inspires perseverance and helps you see how far you’ve come in your recovery journey.
7. Consider how your day went.
   Take time to write in a journal like the Life Recovery Blank Journal about what happened during the day. Reflect on the things that went well and consider what you could have done differently. Studies show journaling what you’re grateful for can improve your mental health.
8. Remember you can start over tomorrow.
   After reflecting on your day, you may notice a mistake or misstep. Don’t let shame keep you stuck in your recovery. Instead, confess it to God, release it, and remember that each new day is a fresh opportunity to start over and continue growing.

1. Gain practical tools for recovery.
   Recovery conferences provide a structured environment to learn what truly works in recovery—and what doesn’t. Experienced recovery experts offer practical tools, including the importance of finding accountability, setting healthy boundaries, developing effective coping strategies, and more. These actionable skills help you stay focused and move toward lasting healing.
2. Know you’re not alone on your journey.
   When you first begin recovery, it can feel like you’re completely alone and that no one truly understands what you’re going through. Breaking free from isolation and embracing connection is a crucial part of healing. Attending a recovery conference helps you realize you are not the only one on the road to recovery, providing support, encouragement, and community.
3. Connect with a safe support network.
   Building a support network is essential for lasting recovery. Surrounding yourself with caring and understanding individuals provides the emotional support and encouragement you need. Signing up for a New Life Recovery Conference
   introduces you to a vast recovery network, that including groups, counselors, and coaches. These meaningful connections will extend far beyond the conference.
4. Hear inspiring recovery stories that will encourage you to hope.
   Attending a recovery conference gives you the opportunity to hear powerful stories from others in recovery, offering real-life examples of overcoming challenges. These inspiring testimonies can motivate you to keep moving forward.
5. Dive deeper into the 12 Steps to teach others.
   Life Recovery Step 12 says, “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” Whether you’re leading a New Life Recovery Group or supporting someone struggling with addiction, the conference equips you to share the message of the 12 Steps with others, meeting them right where they are.

In Life Recovery Step 8, it says, “We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Unfortunately, individuals stuck in addiction try to do damage control by trying to hide their addiction and not making amends to those they’ve hurt. Full of shame and self-condemnation, they avoid making amends at all costs because they think it’ll spare themselves—and those they love—from more hurt.

Here are four core shame-filled beliefs that keep a person stuck:

1. “I am a bad and worthless person.”
2. “If you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me.”
3. “My addiction is my greatest need.”
4. “Only I can meet my needs.”

Lies like these are shame-driven, but they lose their power when one experiences redemptive relationships.

One of the best examples of a redemptive relationship is that of David and Nathan. David would’ve kept covering up his sins instead of making amends. He was not only guilty of committing adultery, but he also killed Bathsheba’s husband to keep it a secret. In the end, shame nearly killed him even after he got away with murder. In Psalm 32:3, he wrote, “When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long.”

If it had not been for Nathan, the prophet, who confronted him, David may never have confessed his sin and made amends to those he had hurt. By making amends, David experienced much-needed relief from the shame he had experienced. Psalm 32:5 says: “Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”

Like David, who needed the confrontation of Nathan to spur him on to make amends, anyone in recovery needs a counselor or coach and a group—such as a Life Recovery Group—to help. Accountability can help an individual write a list of everyone they’ve harmed. As fellow strugglers work to write down their list, reveal their pain, and encourage one another, divine unconditional love begins to sink in.

Being in a redemptive relationship helps an individual be brutally honest; it will give them a willingness to make amends to those they’ve hurt. Being willing to make amends is scary when an individual has lived a lie, but it is the only path by which one can reconcile with God and others.

by Edward J. Grant

Nevertheless, Christ came so “that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed” (Isaiah 61:1, NLT). If you’re seeking a faith-based 12-step program, consider joining a Life Recovery Group and commit to working through the 12 Steps of Life Recovery. There are 7 life-changing freedoms you’ll discover on this journey.

1. Freedom from relying on substances.
   At the height of addiction, sobriety can seem impossible. However, after seeking professional help and joining a faith-based Life Recovery Group, many discover that breaking free from substance abuse is achievable. If you are struggling with chemical dependency, such as drug or alcohol addiction, call 800-NEW-LIFE to find a Christian treatment center and start your recovery today.
2. Freedom from the fear of being caught.
   “You’re only as sick as your secrets” is a common saying in addiction recovery circles. Many people who struggle with addiction feel like imposters, living in constant fear that their secrets will be exposed. Do you live with the anxiety of being caught? Life Recovery offers freedom by encouraging you to bring your hidden struggles into the light, breaking the power of shame and secrecy.
3. Freedom from isolation.
   Addiction thrives in isolation. The antidote? Connection. Whether you’re battling addiction, anxiety, or other challenges, freedom begins when you surround yourself with a supportive, community. Need help? Attend a Life Recovery Group meeting weekly and form relationships that foster healing.
4. Freedom from numbing emotions.
   Addiction often serves as a way to numb painful emotions temporarily, but those feelings inevitably resurface. Through Life Recovery and the 12 Steps, you will learn to face and embrace your emotions rather than escape them. This leads to emotional freedom — allowing you to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.
5. Freedom from past traumas.
   Abuse, divorce, abandonment — these painful experiences can fuel addiction. But there is hope. Life Recovery, along with seeing a Christian counselor in the New Life Counseling Network can help you confront and heal from past traumas, moving you toward a hopeful, renewed future.
6. Freedom from pretending.
   Many struggling with addiction wear masks, pretending everything is fine while battling inner turmoil. Life Recovery offers a safe space to shed these masks and embrace your true, authentic self — exactly as God intended you to be.
7. Freedom from shame.
   Addiction often keeps people trapped in shame. A supportive community like a Life Recovery Group can provide a safe, judgment-free environment where you’ll find freedom from shame and experience acceptance. Don’t let shame keep you stuck — join a Life Recovery Group today.

Want to experience lasting freedom? Call 800-NEW-LIFE to start your Life Recovery journey!

1. Humble ourselves.
   The opposite of pride is humility. When we recognize that our current approach to life isn’t effective and are open to seeking help from God and others, it shows that we are starting to humble ourselves and preparing for God to work in our lives.
2. Recognize what character defects are and their impact on us.
   A character defect refers to a negative personality trait or behavior that contributes to addiction, unhealthy habits, and detrimental patterns in our lives.
3. Create a list of our character defects.
   Understanding our own flaws is the key to personal growth. As the saying goes, if we aim for nothing, we will hit it. So, take the time to identify any character defects that come to mind.Here are some common character defects:
   • Anger
   • Codependency
   • Denial
   • Enabling
   • Fear
   • Lying
   • Perfectionism
   • Pride
   • Unforgiveness
   • Victim Mentality
4. Answer questions in a journal about specific character defects.
   To help you confront specific character defects, please respond to the following questions in a journal, like the Life Recovery Blank Journal:
   • How does this character defect manifest itself?
   • What are the consequences of this character defect?
   • In what ways can this character defect influence the use of a substance or continuation of an unhealthy pattern?
   • How might this character defect hinder a healthy recovery?
5. Tell God that we are ready for Him to remove our character defects.
   Let God know you are ready for Him to remove your character defects. By humbling yourself before the Lord in prayer, “He will lift you up in honor” (James 4:10, NLT).
6. Find a safe community to create lasting change.
   Recognizing our character defects, understanding how they negatively impact our lives, and asking God to help us remove them are essential steps toward healing. However, it’s important to remember that you can’t do this alone. The final and arguably one of the most important keys to confronting your character defects is to find a supportive community. To join a Life Recovery Group today, click here.

If you find yourself struggling to confront your character defects, please call 800-NEW-LIFE.

by Kimberlee Bousman

How do you take an inventory? Set aside a few hours and use a notebook or journal—like the New Life Journal. Then, follow these tips on how to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of your life.

1. List any destructive habits that you have.
   The habits you practice today will bring you closer to—or further away—from where you’d like to be tomorrow. Some destructive habits may include:
   • Cheating
   • Drinking too much
   • Isolating
   • Overeating
   • Abusing drugs
   • Watching porn
2. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any defects of character.
   What is character? Character is defined by Webster’s Dictionary as “the attributes or features that make up and distinguish an individual.” Now is not the time to try to hide; uncover the parts of your character you may feel ashamed about. A few examples of character defects include self-centeredness, jealousy, victim mentality, insecurities, blame-shifting, and more.
3. Acknowledge and work through any wrongs that you have done.
   It is easy to focus on how others have hurt you. But taking an inventory is about addressing any wrongs you have done. Keep in mind that you can’t change others; you can only change yourself. It is a painful, but necessary, part of taking an inventory. Ask God to give you strength and help you to be honest with yourself.
4. Consider the consequences of the wrong choices that you now live with.
   It may seem as if you are the only one hurt by your destructive habits or character defects. However, as you take your inventory, consider asking yourself these questions:
   • How has my behavior negatively affected others?
   • What is it really like to be in a relationship with me?
   • How would a friend or family member describe how my mistakes have hurt them?
5. Confess to God the sins that have kept you holding onto the past.
   Whatever sins come to mind, tell God about them. Does it seem like you’ve committed a sin so big that even God can’t forgive it? Remember: No sin is too big that God cannot forgive. Here’s a promise: “I—yes, I alone—will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again.”—Isaiah 43:15, NLT
6. Allow yourself to experience any sadness, anger, and other painful emotions.
   If you hide from pain in your past, it will keep you from healing. To heal, you must begin to feel the emotions that you have buried. While taking an inventory and confessing to God whatever comes to your mind, allow your tears to fall and sadness to well up. On the other side of grief, there is joy.

Need more help with taking an inventory? We recommend you get a copy of The Life Recovery Journal. Call us at 800-NEW-LIFE to order.

by Kimberlee Bousman

How do you turn your life over to God? There are 6 action steps you can take to turn your life over to God.

1. Admit
The first step you already took in Life Recovery Step One was to admit. So, before you turn your will and life over to God, acknowledge that you can’t save yourself—only God can save you through His Son, Christ. This means you quit playing God, stop trying to control your life, and no longer seek to manipulate others.

2. Surrender
The Third Step of Life Recovery starts with, “We made a decision.” When you decide to turn your life over to God, that decision involves daily surrender to the Lord and His will for your life. Get up each morning and pray to God, “I surrender my day and my life to You. In Jesus’ name, Amen!”

3. Trust
When you are active in addiction, whatever you are addicted to—whether it’s a substance or a toxic habit or relationship—is what you trust to take care of you. Your addiction will fail you; however, God will never fail you. You can trust Him with every aspect of your life.

4. Confess
When you trust Christ, God forgives you for your past, present, and future sins. Nevertheless, recovery is an ongoing process of confessing your struggles to God and at least one other person. Find a sponsor so you can have at least one safe person to confess to. Check out A Guide to Finding the Right Sponsor.

5. Obey
Deciding you want to give your life and will to the Lord is not enough. You must take it a step further by obeying God. Learn how God expects you to live by reading His Word. If you don’t have a Bible, get The Life Recovery Bible and apply what you read to your life.

6. Tell
When you admit, surrender, trust, confess, and obey, it seems you’ve done all you can to surrender your life to God. But when Christ called Peter and Andrew, He not only told them to follow Him but also said in Matthew 4:19, “I will show you how to fish for people!” Tell others about what God has done for you through your recovery!

Want to know more about turning your life over to God? Please call us at 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433) for prayer, help finding a counselor or coach, and to get connected to a Life Recovery Group.

By Kimberlee Bousman

Having a good sponsor will provide a role model to follow, someone to turn to when in a dark place, and the accountability needed to stay on track when it seems easier to give up. When looking for a recovery sponsor, here are some tips to help find the right one.

1. Understand the importance of attending a recovery group and meeting with a sponsor weekly.
   Transforming old toxic patterns into healthier ones will begin by going to a Life Recovery Group once a week.
2. Ask the Life Recovery Group leader for a sponsor.
   If the group leader cannot provide options, try contacting other Life Recovery Groups in the network. Seek help in the community through other 12-step recovery programs and groups. Network with other group members for information about possible sponsors.
3. Look for a sponsor who is the same gender.
   This helps with maintaining boundaries and removing any distractions or potential relational challenges. However, if someone is struggling with same-sex attraction, they might find a sponsor of the same gender distracting.
4. The sponsor needs to have worked the 12 Steps and gone through similar struggles as the sponsee.
   The sponsor will maintain confidentiality and hear sensitive details when working through the Fifth Step. It is not necessary for the sponsor to have the same struggles, but sharing similar experiences can be very helpful.
5. The sponsor needs to be available to meet often.
   It’s important to choose the right sponsor who can meet on a weekly basis. The sponsor should also be open to check-ins via phone calls, text messages, Zoom, or FaceTime. Therefore, carefully select someone with the time and availability to connect regularly.
6. Don’t wait for a sponsor; take the initiative and ask someone.
   Seek God’s guidance through prayer. Remember, a sponsee is ultimately responsible for their own recovery, so begin looking for a sponsor today!

Find a Life Recovery Group. We also have licensed counselors, certified coaches, and Life Recovery resources available to assist you. Call 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433).

by Terri Ward

Life Recovery Step 12 states, “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

One of the best ways to carry the message of recovery is by becoming a sponsor. Ready to take the step of sponsorship? Here are the 7 characteristics of being an effective sponsor.

1. An effective recovery sponsor has worked all of the 12 Steps.
   To become a sponsor, they must have worked through all of the 12 Steps and have also had a sponsor. In addition, it is also important that they are walking in freedom from life-controlling issues.
2. An effective recovery sponsor doesn’t just “talk the talk” but will “walk the walk.”
   Sponsors should have good fruit in their lives— setting an example to follow. The role of a sponsor is like a mentor, and if there is still a challenge in their own recovery, it will negatively affect the sponsee.
3. An effective recovery sponsor finds time to connect often.
   They are available to answer or return phone calls and have periodic face-to-face conversations in person or online via Zoom or FaceTime. They are careful not to sponsor more people than they have margin. Sponsoring too many people at once may diminish the effectiveness of the sponsor/sponsee relationship and may lead to burnout.
4. An effective recovery sponsor has gone through similar struggles as their sponsee.
   It’s helpful to have gone through similar struggles. Generally, people who struggle with substance abuse issues work best with people who have found freedom from substance abuse, and those who struggle with behavioral or process addictions work best with those who have overcome similar issues. But it is not a mandatory rule.
5. An effective recovery sponsor will only sponsor someone of the same gender.
   Sponsoring someone of a different sex may be more distracting than beneficial, so only sponsor someone who is of the same sex. It also prevents any boundary issues that could arise.
6. An effective recovery sponsor is trustworthy enough to confide in while still holding their sponsee accountable.
   Safety, trust, and honesty are essential for a sponsor-sponsee relationship. The sponsee/sponsor relationship requires trust. This will be foundational for accountability in their recovery.
7. An effective recovery sponsor will do everything possible to fulfill their role.
   Here are some responsibilities a sponsor has toward their sponsee:
   • Help them acclimate to recovery in Steps 1-3.
   • Coach them through all their step work; try using the Life Recovery Workbook.
   • Listen to their Fifth Step.
   • Encourage them and provide accountability.
   • Set a good example.
   • Teach in a reproducible manner so they can teach someone else.
   • Guide them to the Life Recovery Bible for answers.
   • Meet them where they are on their recovery journey.
   • Understand that a sponsor’s job is not to meet their sponsee’s needs.
   • Know where to direct them for resources: liferecoverygroups.com and newlife.com.

To learn more about becoming a sponsor, email LRT@newlife.com. Click here to find a Life Recovery Group online or in person.

by Terri Ward

God does not want you to worry about food, as Matthew 6:25 (NIV) says, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” Here are 4 ways to break free from binge eating.

1. Know the signs and symptoms of binge eating.
It’s essential to know what a pattern of binge eating looks like. Here are some of the signs and symptoms of binge eating that—if you do these regularly—the American Psychiatric Association lists as binge eating:

• “Eating more rapidly than normal.”
• “Eating until feeling uncomfortably full.”
• “Eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry.”
• “Eating alone because of feeling embarrassed by how much one is eating.”
• “Feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or very guilty after overeating.”

2. Recognize the root causes of binge eating.
Three powerful root causes can lead to binge eating. The first is physical deprivation. When you follow a very low-calorie diet, forbid certain foods, and not eat when you are hungry, these can all lead to compulsive binge eating.

The second root cause is mental restriction. When you diet, you often develop a critical inner voice that tells you that eating a certain food is “bad” and that you are “bad” if you eat it. This mental restriction often leads you to associating shame with food, only leading to more binge eating.

The third root cause is unmet emotional needs. Challenges like trauma, stress, loneliness, or depression can lead to binge eating. Instead of turning to binge eating as a coping mechanism, reach out for support from a New Life Counselor or Coach who can help you work through difficult life challenges and emotions.

3. Let go of an all-or-nothing diet mindset.
To overcome binge eating and find food freedom, it’s essential you let go of having an all-or-nothing dieting mindset. You might think, “I can never eat a cookie.” But if you have one, don’t let it spiral into, “I blew it, so I’ll eat the whole plate.” This mindset leads to binge eating. Instead, practice a balanced mindset by thinking, “I can enjoy a cookie or two, and that’s perfectly okay.”  By shedding the all-or-nothing diet mentality and fostering a balanced mindset toward food, you can gain control over binge eating. Break free from a diet mindset by enrolling in New Life’s Lose It for Life Online Course.

4. Reflect after a relapse.
One reason you might feel stuck in a cycle of binge eating is due to shame. After a binge-eating episode, instead of succumbing to shame, try to show yourself compassion. Remind yourself, “This does not define me; it can be a lesson that helps me learn how to manage things differently next time.”

Later, take some time to reflect after a relapse by asking yourself the following questions:

• “Why did I have this eating experience?”
• “Was there an emotional need I was trying to meet?”
• “If so, what specific emotional need was I attempting to fill by eating?”
• “How can I address this need differently next time, rather than turning to food?”

If you’re looking for professional support to overcome binge eating, feel free to call 800-NEW-LIFE to connect with a compassionate counselor or coach. You can also enroll in the Lose It for Life Online Course. We are here to help you on your journey to food freedom!

by Kimberlee Bousman

1. The Gift of Hope
   The gift of hope is the motivation for continuing on the same track when something is painful and difficult. Under God’s strength, we experience the transforming power that will give us the hope to carry us to the end.
2. The Gift of Power
   The gift of power is that we now have God’s power at work in us and we are stronger. God will empower us to do things we cannot do on our own. As a result, our relapses are less frequent or are nonexistent.
3. The Gift of Character
   The gift of character is a gift that God gives us as we humbly ask for His help. It is not by our own strength or power that we grow and mature; it is by the power of the Holy Spirit.
4. The Gift of Clarity
   The gift of clarity is seeing things clearly and allowing the truth to come into focus. In other words, it is the absence of denial; instead, there is transparency—even purity—in how we see and present ourselves.
5. The Gift of Security
   The gift of security is rooted in the fact that God is on our side. To be alive is to always encounter trials and problems; when we are tempted, God gives a way out so that we can endure.
6. The Gift of Abundance
   The gift of abundance is what allows us to live a life filled with new and fulfilling opportunities that we may never have dreamed of or thought possible. While a scarcity mindset makes us afraid, an abundance mindset frees us to live a life of purpose.
7. The Gift of Wisdom
   The gift of wisdom is a combination of the depth of our relationship with God and our ability to bring our experiences into relationship with Him. We gain the gift of wisdom when we transfer our experiences, knowledge, and good judgment into godly actions.
8. The Gift of Self-Control
   The gift of self-control is when we desire to accomplish God’s will in our lives and surrender to the Holy Spirit. As we seek to improve our conscious awareness of God through prayer and meditation, the gift of self-control changes everything in our lives.
9. The Gift of Courage
   The gift of courage is the ability to face and solve our problems rather than avoiding them or hoping they will get better on their own. This gift replaces our old cowardice with boldness, strength, and initiative.
10. The Gift of Happiness
    The gift of happiness is the fruit that is produced when we live godly lives and pursue a godly path. After all, the happiest people in the world are those who have surrendered their lives to Jesus Christ.
11. The Gift of Serenity
    The gift of serenity is acknowledging that there are things in our lives that we cannot change. Like the “Serenity Prayer,” we must pray, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”
12. The Gift of Peace
    The gift of peace is one of the most important gifts of Life Recovery because God has promised us peace. Just before His arrest, Jesus told His disciples, “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid” (John 14:27, NLT).

Adapted from the book, The 12 Gifts of Life Recovery, by Steve Arterburn and Dr. Dave Stoop.

This man has come to the conclusion that his needs can only be fulfilled by the ultimate sexual fantasy experience. The problem with this, however, is that the perfect fantasy, or the perfect female, doesn’t exist. He will return week after week to this same place, pursuing his desires and experiencing a quick thrill provided by a stranger. But, this event is so short-lived that he’ll have to keep coming back for more of it. Worst of all, he’ll end the evening just like he started it—alone. When a man engages with sexual sin in this way, his spirit is being affected in a deeper way than he realizes. While he fills his mind with sexual fantasy, he may feel that he’s being built up in some way, but he is actually destroying his own manhood. The shame and regret starts to creep back in after a night like this, because fantasy is always followed by restless discontentment and shame.

The common denominator in this image is isolation. If a man who has lived this type of life wants real change, he has to choose another way, one of relationship and community, specifically with other men. When a man gets connected with other Christian men seeking God’s best for their lives, he will begin to develop boundaries. Proverbs 27:17 says that “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend” (NLT). Where one man is weak, another may be strong, and each of them can call each other to a higher level of living. When a man is living in community with other men in recovery, seeking the will of God, they are practicing true growth and intimacy. Each man can work on bridling his will, desires, and biological urges to become more Christ-like.

For this isolated man, a new lifestyle starts by reaching out, maybe to a man at church or in his workplace or neighborhood that he can invite out for a meal to begin a conversation. This will start the process of connection and eventually opening up to another person. A man in recovery from sexual addiction needs a Bible Study as well as a men’s recovery group. When a man has support like this, he can be who God created him to be, a man of character, a true husband, and one who enjoys life.

A man alone in a Gentleman’s Club believes a sexual rush will make him complete as a man. It’s actually the opposite, as he is emotionally under-developed and stuck in adolescent thinking. Many Christian men are stuck in this same place. Whether it’s the club, pornography, or simply sexual fantasies in their head, they are pushing their sexuality beyond its intended purpose. A man needs to review his thoughts: is he wasting time fantasizing about the perfect female or sexual fantasy, or is he investing in stronger Christian male relationships? Joining a Sustained Victory Coaching Group can help him experience recovery.

Can you relate? Are the holidays a tough time for you? Perhaps you grew up in a home where you never felt loved, and the holidays bring back painful memories. Or this might be your first holiday without a loved one you’ve lost. Alternatively, you may be estranged from family—through no fault of your own—and feel alone.

Despite the challenges you may face, there are practical ways for you to overcome the holiday blues.

1. Connect with people.
   The worst thing you can do is isolate yourself from the people God may want to use to encourage and restore you. Instead of waiting for an invitation, take the initiative to invite a neighbor over for dinner. Click here to find a Life Recovery Group to join.
2. Set realistic goals.
   It’s common for us to spend a great deal of energy feeling overwhelmed during the holidays. To manage your time, write down your goals. Once you have your list, prioritize each item. Be willing to say “no” to anything that doesn’t align with your goals.
3. Make a budget and follow it.
   Let’s be honest: Finances can create a lot of stress during the holidays. Tell your loved ones, “That’s not in my budget.” Focus less on the presents and more on God’s Presence. Remember to “Let your character be free from the love of money, being content with what you have, for He Himself has said ‘I will never desert you, nor will I forsake you.’” – Hebrews 13:5
4. Contact someone you’ve lost touch with.
   Now is the perfect time to rekindle a relationship. Remember that coworker you used to eat lunch with? What about that old friend from college that you lost touch with? Send them a Christmas card, talk with them over a video call, or meet them for coffee and reminisce about the old days. Getting back in touch with people who’ve positively impacted your life can bring joy.
5. Be honest with God about your situation.
   No one cares for you more than your Creator, who understands what keeps you awake at night and causes you anxiety. Whenever you feel flooded with fear, surrender each of your fears over to God; then, memorize and meditate on Philippians 4:6-8.
6. Get plenty of rest.
   The holiday season often tempts us to stay up late into the night. However, as the days go by and fatigue sets in, we can quickly find ourselves feeling depressed and discouraged. It’s important to prioritize rest to maintain your emotional well-being.
7. Let go of the past and find new or different ways to celebrate.
   While many family traditions are fun, you might sometimes feel pressured to continue practices you don’t like simply because “that’s the way we’ve always done it.” For instance, if you always cook, have the food catered or do a potluck.
8. Don’t overindulge in holiday foods.
   Developing the habit of eating substantial amounts of food can leave us feeling tired and sluggish. The key is to practice moderation. If you eat more than usual in one day, get back on track the next day.
9. Don’t focus on what you don’t have—focus on what you do have.
   Focusing on your difficult circumstances may lead you to believe that God has forgotten or abandoned you. However, nothing could be further from the truth! Shift your perspective by creating a gratitude journal. Try the New Life Journal.
10. Get out of yourself and into other people.
    The best insurance against the holiday blues is pouring yourself into someone else. Try volunteering at a homeless shelter or babysitting the children of the single mother who lives across the street so that she can take some time for herself. By investing in others, you’ll find that many of your burdens are eased.

Please know we are here for you if you need help with the holidays! Call us at 800-NEW-LIFE for prayer or help finding a counselor or coach.

By Stephen Arterburn

More about Steve

If you want to make prayer an integral part of your recovery journey but don’t know where to start or what to say, here are six powerful prayers you can pray daily.

1. “Lord, forgive me for the ways I’ve fallen short.”
If you’re new to recovery and have never sought conscious contact with God before, it’s not too late! You can be reconciled to God by admitting that you have fallen short of His standards and trust in Christ. When we seek God’s forgiveness and trust Him, we are promised that “He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west” (Ps. 103:12, New Living Translation).

2. “God, give me peace in spite of pain.”
One reason many of us turn to addiction is to escape pain—whether it’s emotional, physical, relational, spiritual, or some other type of pain. John 14:27 says, “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” Turning to Christ can help you find peace, even as you start to confront the pain underlying your addiction.

3. “Heavenly Father, comfort me in my darkest moments.”
Prayer is a powerful tool that brings comfort. Whenever you find yourself in a dark valley, ask the Lord to comfort you as Psalm 23:4 assures, “Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.” Talk to God anywhere, anytime—He is near to those who seek Him.

4. “Wonderful Counselor, give me strength where I am weak so I can make it through the day sober.”
Perhaps addiction has taken such a toll on your body, mind, and soul that you wonder if you’ll ever be able to break free from it. However, when you pray to our Triune God, you are reminded that He is strong where you are weak. Even Paul struggled with temptation. While God did not remove his struggles, He did give Paul the strength to face them. God told Paul, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9).

5. “Mighty God, guide me in the direction You want me to go.”
Ask God to guide you when you don’t know where to turn or go. Isaiah 30:21 says, “Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say,‘This is the way you should go, whether to the right or to the left.’” Feelings change day by day, even moment by moment. Rather than base a decision on how you feel, seek God through prayer and look to God’s Word to see what it says about your situation.

6. “Everlasting One, give me hope that things are going to get better soon.”
As you journey closer and closer to sobriety, there will be days you want to take a detour or give up altogether…don’t! Right before dawn is when the night seems darkest; right before a breakthrough is when things will be the hardest. Keep going. Keep persevering. Proverbs 23:18 says, “your hope will not be disappointed.” Ask God to give you hope that things will get better, and you’ll soon be on your way to succeeding in your recovery.

If you need prayer, please know we are here for you! Call us at 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433) for prayer and resources to help you overcome addiction and grow in your faith.

By Kimberlee Bousman

Why should we praise God no matter our circumstances? There are 6 reasons to practice a posture of praise.

A posture of praise—especially when we haven’t received an answer to a prayer— shows trust and faith.

Before we even pray, we can rest in God and know He will answer our prayer according to His will. The answer may be yes, no, or maybe, but we can praise God anyway.

A posture of praise is a thermometer that reveals the temperature of our spiritual life.

We claim to trust the Lord and have faith, but do we truly? Praising the Lord, regardless of our circumstances, demonstrates the strength of our spiritual life.

A posture of praise shows our capacity and ability for intimacy with God and others.

God never meant for us to live lonely lives. But sometimes shame, guilt, and secrets we keep can make us put up a wall between us and others. When we confess our struggles and are vulnerable, we can be honest with God and others. Repairing our vertical relationship with God will help our horizontal relationship with others begin to heal.

A posture of praise is a weapon that we can use against idolatry.

God created us to worship, so we all worship something. Anything—or anyone—we worship in the place of God is an idol. Some idols worshipped today are material possessions, success, and even people, to name a few. But praise is a weapon that we, as believers in Christ, can use to break our bondage to an idol. Our worship and allegiance should be in Christ alone.

A posture of praise lifts our spirits and reduces our fears.

So often, we live in a fearful place. When we face a brutal battle, we feel like we might as well give up. Instead of focusing on what could go wrong, we must focus on the One who has already won the battle for us…Christ!

A posture of praise helps us sense God’s presence.

When our prayers go unanswered, dreams get demolished, and all hope seems lost, it’s easy to wonder where God is. This is when we must remember to thank God for what He has done in our lives. The more we praise God, the more we see Him at work. Praising God for how faithful He has been in the past will enable us to trust Him for our future.

Want to grow in your relationship with God and others? Please call us at 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433) for prayer, help finding a counselor or coach, and to get connected to a Life Recovery Group.

by Dr. Jill Hubbard

More about Jill

Like a garden that hasn’t been weeded, if we don’t continue to take a personal inventory, all the growth in recovery that we’ve experienced up until this point will shrink, and we may find ourselves turning to addiction.

Therefore, Step 10 of Life Recovery is necessary to keep the weeds out. Step 10 of Life Recovery says, “We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.”

Weeds will always crop up, threatening to choke out all the good. We may find ourselves cynical and mistrusting; we become so self-centered that our relationships with others suffer. We may learn to take care of our own needs, which is healthy, but we may go beyond that to where we become greedy and demanding. We may be caught up with various worries and fears or lapse into bouts of self-pity. These types of weeds can choke out the good that is growing out of our recovery.

Jesus described this in the Parable of the Soils. He said, “Other seeds fell among the thorns that grew up and choked out the tender plants” (Matthew 13:7, New Living Translation). Then He explained, “The seed that fell among the thorns represents those who hear God’s word, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the worries of this life and the lure of wealth, so no fruit is produced” (Matthew 13:22).

As we continue to take personal inventory, we must watch out for the weeds in our lives. We may have had the chance to taste a better way of life. But once the crisis of confronting our addiction is past, new types of distractions can choke out our spiritual growth.

We need to take a few moments each day to weed out:

• Greed
• Worry
• Fear
• Selfishness
• Cynicism
• Self-pity

Attending a Life Recovery Group can help you remove these and other harmful things from your life that threaten to hurt your growth. To find a Life Recovery Group, click here.

Never forget that continuing your personal inventory is like weeding a garden: you are getting rid of the bad and allowing the good to grow.

Adapted from The Life Recovery Devotional by Steve Arterburn and Dr. Dave Stoop

All these fears—and more—plagued Stan. Caught in a second affair, he was a middle-aged man whose actions had deeply hurt his wife. He wasn’t sure that his wife would stay with him, so he sought counseling and began New Life Recovery. He went through Step Eight, but Step Nine paralyzed him with fear.

Like Stan, many of us are afraid of making amends. Step Nine of Life Recovery says, “We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

Questions to Consider

If you need to make amends but are afraid, here are some questions for you to consider:

• Who are the people on your amends’ list who strike the most intense fear in your heart when you think about making amends, face-to-face?
• Do you have supportive people to help you gain willingness to take such a challenging step?
• What fears keep you from the life-giving process of Step Nine?
• Does your amends’ list include people that have something against you? If so, do you have difficulty finding the courage to deal with them?
• Are you willing to go to any lengths to make amends? What risks are involved?
• Do you have any unfinished business left on your list such as money owed, laws you’ve broken, or broken relationships?
• What are you afraid will happen if you attempt to make amends?
• Do you fear the painful consequences will cause you suffering if you make amends? If so, what is the worst that could happen?
• Do you trust God’s will for you if you follow the challenge of Step Nine?
• Which of the Twelve Steps can you go back to in preparation to make amends?

Next, share your answers with someone you trust such as a New Life Recovery Group, counselor, or coach.

After seeing a counselor, Stan decided not to make amends to the women he had the affairs with because it was not safe. However, he made amends with his wife and children for their own healing. Then he made living amends by changing his behavior so that his wife could trust him.

For help with making amends, find a Christian counselor or coach by calling 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433).

Adapted from The Life Recovery Workbook by Steve Arterburn and Dr. Dave Stoop

Do Listen Well
Communication is key. You can’t expect your spouse to read your mind. So when you both don’t openly share about what you need or want from each other, you end up with misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Good communication is more than just words—it includes body language, when to speak, and when not to speak. Be a good listener. Before you respond to your spouse, repeat back what you think they’ve said to ensure that you’ve correctly heard them.

“Great relationships are based on clarity, not mind reading.” – Steve Arterburn

Don’t Stop Growing Spiritually
You want to grow spiritually, right? While you can influence your spouse spiritually and otherwise, you can’t change them. Rather than push or try to force a change, develop your relationship with God on your own. If your spouse is ready to commit to growing spiritually, here are some ways you can grow together as a couple:

• Worship together
• Pray with each other
• Serve as a couple
• Study God’s Word together

“The key to sharing hearts in prayer is to just pray. Don’t fret how you do it. Just start in a non-threatening way. It is so important to be intentional about our praying together. The idea is to meet with the Lord together.” – Dr. Dave Stoop

Do Affirm Your Spouse
When was the last time you told your spouse how grateful you are for them? If it’s been a while, you may want to start expressing your gratitude for them today! You were drawn to your mate because you saw some great attributes in them. But after you got married, the focus turned to the flaws of your spouse. Affirming your mate’s strengths, in spite of their flaws, is a sign of mature love.

“Because God is love, it’s a pretty safe bet that whatever way God loves people is the way that we should try to love them also.” – Steve Arterburn

Don’t Forget Boundaries
From raising kids to being careful about how you interact with the opposite sex, you and your spouse need to have boundaries in place. Becoming “one flesh” as God intended for you to be means having boundaries as a couple and working to agree on what you will say yes—or no—to in your lives.

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows where I end and where someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.” – Steve Arterburn and Dr. Dave Stoop

Do Forgive
One of the keys to any relationship is to forgive and not be resentful. The closer the relationship is, the more likely we’ll get hurt. Learn how to forgive and to speak the truth in love. Make the right choice by choosing to forgive your spouse and begin moving forward. It can be complicated and it can be difficult—forgiveness is not optional for a healthy relationship. It’s not forgive and forget; however, if you are holding on to hurts, seek help to resolve the issue.

“When we experience real forgiveness, there is more to remember than the pain. We are reminded of what God has done and is doing in our lives through his forgiving us and our forgiving others!” – Dr. Dave Stoop

Don’t Give Into Temptation
Protecting your marriage from sexual temptation is one of the most important things you’ll ever do to bulletproof your marriage. Discuss with your spouse some boundaries to have with the opposite sex. Make the decision to be a faithful spouse and live it out every day.

“Trust is an assurance of love. Someone who really loves someone else would not sooner hurt that person than they would purposefully shoot off their own foot!” – Steve Arterburn

Do Make Intimacy a Priority
Sex is one of God’s greatest gifts to married couples—yet it can be the greatest challenge! Your sex life is one part of a marriage. Physical intimacy is impacted by our emotional, spiritual and mental intimacy. Begin to create intimacy in the other areas of your marriage and learn how to communicate with each other. Spend time enjoying each other, away from the stressors in life. And it will provide a whole new way to experience a whole marriage!

“Couples who naturally and successfully weave their spiritual connection to God with their human desire for closeness and oneness take their marriage to the realm of ultimate intimacy.” – Steve Arterburn

By Kimberlee Bousman

Have you ever burned bridges with someone? Wish you could go back? Then consider going through Life Recovery Step 8 again, even if you’ve already gone through all of the 12 Steps of Life Recovery.

Romans 12:18 (NLT) says, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” To “live peaceably,” you must do what you can to make amends. Life Recovery Step 8 says, “We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”

There are four steps to take when it comes to repairing a burned bridge.

First, reflect on how your behavior has affected others. What would it be like to be on the receiving end of your behavior? Our behavior is an action we take—whether consciously or unconsciously—that has become a pattern. Every time we lie, cover up, blame, excuse, abuse, betray, or abandon, we hurt others. To rebuild a burned bridge, we must know what it is like for others to be on the other side of us.

Second, consider whether a relationship is safe enough for you to go back to. If it’s not safe—whether for you, the other person, or your children—you must separate temporarily or break off the relationship altogether. To determine if it’s a safe enough relationship for you to go back to, connect with a New Life Counselor or Coach.

Third, think about what you can do to make amends. Part of making amends is attempting to make right that which you did wrong. For example, if we stole, then we should repay the other person. If unsure, you can always ask, “What can I do to repair the damage that I’ve done?” Then, listen with an open heart.

Fourth, create a list of those you’ve harmed, and put them into three categories:

1. Those to make amends with now.
2. Those to make amends with later.
3. Those you cannot or should not make amends with.

As you create your list, ask God to give you courage and to prepare your heart for what might happen. Don’t restrict your list only to those amends to only those people that you think might be receptive to you. Remember, you are only responsible for repairing your side of the bridge, not theirs. If you try to make amends and they don’t respond positively, what then? If this is the case, you will have to cross that bridge when you come to it.

By Kimberlee Bousman

Step 1: Use Your Emotional A.I.D. Kit

A-Awareness of what’s going on inside.

When triggered, your brain responds with fight, flight, or freeze. Let’s say you were bitten by a German shepherd when you were 5 years old. Decades later, when you hear a dog bark, your body tenses up. Being aware of what’s going on inside will help you connect the feeling with what happened.

I-Identify what’s going on inside.

Identify an area of your body where you are feeling the trigger—chest gut, or head—whether it be stress or tension. Identifying how you feel inside will help you understand how your physical body is responding to the trigger.

D-Disclose what’s going on inside.

You may want to ignore your triggers and keep it all to yourself…don’t! It’s important to disclose what is happening to you. Try journaling to help you notice any patterns. Next, share with a safe person, or find a New Life Counselor or Coach with whom you can disclose what’s going on. You can join a Life Recovery Group to have a safe group of people to share your journey.

Step 2: Get Curious

Here are 5 questions to ask yourself.

“What do I feel?”

When you feel triggered, ask, “What do I feel?” For help on how to put a name to an emotion, use our Feelings Word List. If you are feeling anxious, look at the Feelings Word List and pick out 3 words. You could say, “I feel worried, tense, and troubled.” Naming your feelings helps!

“Where do I feel it in my body?”

Your brain tries to put trauma out of your memory, but your body remembers. Therefore, ask yourself where you feel it in your body. For example, if you’re angry, you might say: “I feel my cheeks are flushed, fists are clenched, and my stomach feels sick.”

“Why do I feel this way?”

Get to the root of why you are feeling the way you are. Here are a few prompts for you to consider:

• • What happened before the trigger occurred?
  • When I feel triggered, my thoughts are_____.

“When have I felt like this before?”

Try to remember when you first felt this way. What is the story behind the trigger? Sometimes a New Life Counselor specializing in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can help. Connecting your past to your present is the key to healing the old wounds that affect you today.

“What do I need?”

Reflect on what you need to heal and feel safe. Ask for what you need from others. By understanding what you need—whether it’s being heard, supported, or safety—you will experience freedom from triggers. Remember, triggers are a signal there is healing still to be done. By identifying what is happening, it can lead to understanding and healing the old wounds.

God wants you to experience freedom, as the Bible says, “So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free” (John 8:36, NLT). Call us at 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433) for help.

by Chris Williams and Dr. Jacqueline Mack-Harris

More about Chris and Jacqui.

Do you feel helpless in life, as if you have no control over anything? Feel like there’s nothing you can do about addiction, dependency, or unhealthy patterns? Expect other people to do all the work for you?

If so, you may struggle with learned helplessness. What is it? The concept of learned helplessness refers to a mentality that one develops after experiencing repeated challenges and coming to believe that they have no control over their life. Therefore, they feel helpless and give up trying to make changes.

Even though we can’t change everything, there is always something we can change to work toward our healing. Helen Keller said it best, “I am only one; but still, I am one. I cannot do everything, but still, I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do.”

There is always individual work we must do to become—as well as to stay—sober. But unfortunately, learned helplessness makes us think things will never change, so we might not seek help. Thankfully, we can ask God for help. God said to the prophet Jeremiah, “Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come” (Jer. 33:3, New Living Translation).

To overcome a learned helplessness mentality, reflect on these 11 journal prompts:

1. What are at least three areas of your life you have been tempted to give up on too soon?
2. How can you practice being more diligent in the future?
3. Think of why you quit your recovery group, seeing a counselor, or something else too soon.
4. Is there something you can do differently next time you’re tempted to quit?
5. In what ways has learned helplessness been holding you back?
6. List several ways you can manage your feelings of helplessness in healthier ways.
7. What are some activities you’ve participated in that have made you feel stronger?
8. Brainstorm any excuses you’ve made lately that have hindered your recovery.
9. Think back to the first time you felt helpless. What happened? How did it make you feel?
10. Have you asked God to remove your shortcomings? If not, what is stopping you?
11. Imagine what you would feel like if you were free from addiction. What would it take to get there?

If you find yourself struggling with learned helplessness, remember to ask God to remove your shortcomings. Call 800-639-5433 to find a counselor, coach, or Life Recovery Group.

by Steve Arterburn

If you needed to remodel your house, where would you start? You would need to hire a contractor you trust and let them do the work. Similarly, if you are in recovery from addiction, you are under construction and God is your contractor. In Life Recovery Step 6, you must be ready for God to remove your defects.

Being under construction is difficult because most of us naturally try to hide our flaws. However, we can never truly hide from God. David told God, “You know my thoughts even when I’m far away” (Psalm 139:2, New Living Translation).

To become the person God wants us to be, humility is essential. James 4:10 says, “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.” How can we be ready for God to remove our defects? Here are a few things we can do:

• Admit our limitations to God, ourselves, and others
• Find a Life Recovery Group to attend weekly
• Identify any temptations or triggers we’ve had
• Promptly ask for forgiveness from those we’ve hurt, as well as forgive those who’ve hurt us
• Be open and honest with others about any setbacks or relapses

In the Bible, the story of Naaman in 2 Kings 5:1-15 illustrates the importance of being ready for God to work. Naaman was a powerful military figure. However, he had leprosy, which made him an outcast. When Naaman heard that there was a prophet in Israel named Elisha who could heal him, he traveled with 750 pounds of silver, 150 pounds of gold, and ten sets of clothing to persuade Elisha to heal him. But after Elisha instructed him to dip himself seven times in the Jordan River, Naaman got angry because he expected his expensive gifts to buy him an instant, easy cure. Ultimately, how Naaman found healing was by humbly followed Elisha’s instructions to dip in the Jordan River seven times. It was only when Naaman humbled himself and was ready for God to remove his defects was he finally healed.

Like Naaman, our addictions are as life-threatening as leprosy. While there’s no quick fix, we must be humble, ready to have God remove our character defects, and commit to the process.

When you are ready for God to work in you, He will begin to work powerfully through you.

by Steve Arterburn and Dr. David Stoop

If you or a loved one is struggling with opioids, you may feel like you’re in the dark and that there’s not even a glimmer of hope. Despite the darkness and the difficulties, the Psalms shed light and offer this hope: “You light a lamp for me. The LORD, my God, lights up my darkness” (Psalm 18:28, New Living Translation). Here are 6 ways to end OUD.

1. Identify the warning signs of OUD.

Denial keeps many individuals stuck in OUD. Watch for these common signs of opioid use disorder:

• Takes an opioid in a way not meant by the healthcare professional who prescribed it
• Uses opioids even when not in pain
• Focuses daily activities on how to get opioids
• Experiences extreme mood swings
• Borrows medicine from others or “loses” medicine to get more prescriptions written
• Seeks the same prescription from multiple healthcare professionals

2. Never try to white-knuckle it or quit cold turkey.

One of the most dangerous times of overcoming an OUD is withdrawal. No one should try to quit on willpower alone. Go to a treatment facility; if that’s not possible, go to the hospital or schedule an appointment with a doctor. Finally, meet regularly with a New Life Counselor who specializes in addiction. No matter what, don’t go it alone—get connected to professional help.

3. Recognize the signs and symptoms of an opioid overdose.

By spotting the warning signs of an opioid overdose, you could save your life or that of a loved one. Here are a few signs:

• Constricted pupils
• Losing consciousness
• Slow or weak breathing
• Limp body
• Cold and clammy skin

If you see these signs, call 911 immediately. There are life-saving drugs that can be taken; talk to a doctor first before taking—or giving—any medication.

4. Overcome the stigma of taking medication to help with recovery.

There is still a stigma of taking medication to avoid opioid relapse. When used as part of treatment programs, these medications address the symptoms of cravings and physical withdrawal without providing the euphoria of illicit drug use. If you or a loved one struggles with OUD, there is no shame in taking medication to help you recover.

5. Remember that taking it one more time could be the last time.

Struggling with OUD can make someone think that they can take it one more time and then go into treatment the next day. One more time, though, might kill someone. If you or someone you know has OUD, keep in mind that time is of the essence to stop using opioids and get into treatment.

6. Have an intervention to help a loved one who refuses to get help.

If you have a family member or friend who has OUD but won’t get help, consider having an intervention where friends and family come together to motivate them to get into recovery. Enlist the services of a New Life Counselor, Coach, or professional interventionist. Though OUD is dangerous and has become an epidemic in recent years, “there is safety in having many advisers” (Proverbs 11:14).

If you struggle with OUD or have a loved one who does, please know we are here for you. Call us at 800-NEW-LIFE to find a counselor, Life Recovery Group, treatment facility, or professional interventionist to help you.

by Kimberlee Bousman

More about Kimberlee

Back then, she thought gate closing was tedious work—just a lot of waiting. Then something happened. She discovered that gate closing isn’t prestigious or exciting, but it’s vitally important.

There are many gates to close on the path to restoration and recovery. Closing the gate means not allowing anything negative in your life that might keep you from a sober and healthy life. But if you think you can do this on your own, you’ll be sorely disappointed. After all, it is Christ who opens and closes doors, as the Bible says, “What he opens, no one can close; and what he closes, no one can open” (Revelation 3:8, New Living Translation).

Here are some ways for you to close the gate on the negative:

• Your job.
  If your work environment creates a large amount of stress or anxiety for you, consider a change. You would be amazed at how a healthy work life can transform your life for the better.
• Your home.
  Your home should be a place where you can go to for peace and rejuvenation. If it is chaotic and unwelcoming, consider a change here as well.
• Your close relationships.
  If your immediate family or people you surround yourself with by choice make you feel like you need to numb your pain to be able to manage to deal with them, spend less time with them or separate yourself from them. Also, consider seeing a New Life Counselor or a New Life Coach to work through the issues.
• Your social life and fun.
  This is a crucial area. If you have hobbies or sports you like to play, go hard! And if you don’t know what vibrant but sober fun looks like, try joining a Life Recovery Group and doing activities together.
• Your thoughts.
  How negativity can harm us the most is in our thoughts. Write in a journal, then look for a pattern. Look to replace any negative thoughts with the truth of God’s Word. Romans 12:2 says, “Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.”

When my friend’s mom used to tell her, “Close the gate behind you,” she was probably referring to negative influences in life. When we close the gate to the people, places, and things that influence us negatively, we will open the door to a new world of possibilities.

– by Steve Arterburn

What happens at the neurological level in your brain when you become sexually aroused also involves classical conditioning. When a person achieves the peak of sexual arousal, they receive the most potent reward the brain can achieve – the release of endorphins. This naturally occurring chemical is 4 times stronger than morphine. What a reward!

The average person begins masturbating around the ages of 10-14 at an average rate of 2-7 times per week. In the first 20 years, they will have had from 2,000 to 7,000 of these reinforcing experiences. With this level of reinforcement and the reward our brains give us, it’s no wonder sexual addiction can be so easy to fall into!

There is a habit that can help decrease unwanted urges and impulses up to 80 percent in one month. It’s called the rubber band technique. Simply take a rubber band—that is thick enough, so it won’t break easily—and keep it on your wrist. Don’t even take it off for bedtime, showers, or times when you think you won’t need it. Whenever you catch yourself staring at someone lustfully, have the urge to masturbate, look at pornography, or misbehave, simply snap the band on the inside of your wrist. This will send a painful message to your brain that, where you used to have a pattern of “ring the bell, feed the dog,” it will now be more like “ring the bell, discipline the dog.”

This is a helpful tool in retraining your brain, and it will help you learn self-control. We read that self-control is a fruit of the spirit in Galatians 5:22-23, which says, “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”

Interrupting any lustful thoughts or urges with this habit will allow you to free yourself from a pattern created many years ago. Of course, in addition to this technique, it is essential that after you attend Every Man’s Battle, you also attend a Sustained Victory Group every week so you will have a place to connect with others and serve in a relationally healing way.

Jayson Graves – A New Life Network Counselor

Just as there’s only one road to Skipper’s Canyon, only one road leads to God. Despite what world religions claim, Christ is the only way. Christ said there is only one way to God when He declared, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6, NLT).

Want to begin a relationship with God? The Bible marks the path to God with four truths.

1. We all sin.

Sin means missing the mark. “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard” (Romans 3:23, NLT). Even though we can try to be good by attending church, contributing to charity, and even getting baptized, these things won’t solve our sin problem. Despite our best efforts, we will always fall short of God’s glorious standard of holiness.

As an example, imagine having a contest with a friend to throw a rock to the moon. Even if you throw farther than your friend, neither of you will hit the moon. Likewise, no matter how good a life you try to live, you will still sin. We’re all sinners; no one is perfect, except for Christ. Thus, we all fall short.

2. Sin separates you from God.

Most people would agree that stealing, murdering, committing adultery, and using illegal drugs come with consequences. Although these big sins can destroy lives, did you know that the small ones you struggle with can also be destructive? Every day, you sin by lying, gossiping, envying, lashing out in anger to others, being jealous of others, having lustful thoughts, or numerous other things.

Not only does your sin hurt others, but it also hurts you and God. “For the wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23, NLT). The worst consequence of sin is death and separation from a holy God—the One who is life. Though the cost of your sin is too much for you to pay, God has already paid the ultimate price for you.

3. Christ died for you.

Despite all your shortcomings and sins, there’s one solution…Christ! “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8, KJV). Why would Christ die for you? It’s because He loves you.

Let’s say a serial killer is on death row awaiting execution. Imagine an innocent person goes before the judge and says they’re willing to take their place. What would happen? The innocent person would die; the guilty person would live. Did you know that Christ did that for you? Christ, who is sinless—the second person of the Triune God—died on the cross and rose from the dead so you can have eternal life!

4. You can be saved through faith in Christ.

Faith in Christ means trusting Him alone. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9, NIV). Just as you trust a pilot to fly a plane you’re on while providing no effort of your own, so you must trust Christ alone to get to heaven.

Thank God for this free gift. Remember, it’s not the prayer that saves you—it’s Christ’s work on the cross that saves. Here’s an example of how to pray:

Dear God, I know I’m a sinner and my sin deserves to be punished, but I believe Christ died for me and rose from the grave. I trust Christ alone as my Savior and make Him Lord of my life. Thank you for forgiving me and giving me everlasting life.
In Jesus’ name, amen.

Want to know more about growing in your relationship with God? Call us at 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433).

by Kimberlee Bousman

More about Kimberlee

We should be grateful for the talents, skills, and gifts God has given us. There’s nothing wrong with this type of pride, but the kind of pride in which we become self-focused and self-elevating is wrong. Pride won’t help us in recovery. Instead, what we need most of all is humility.

Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines humility as “freedom from pride or arrogance: the quality or state of being humble.”

When the disciples were arguing about who would be the greatest in Heaven, it should not come as a surprise that Christ silenced the argument by mentioning humility when He said, “Anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven” (Matt. 18:4, New Living Translation).

Humility won’t keep you from turning back to addiction again, but it can save you a ton of grief. Humility doesn’t change your circumstances, but it helps you submit to God’s purposes no matter the circumstances. Humility cannot speed up answers to prayer but accelerates the acceptance of God’s will. Humility doesn’t make decisions for you but inclines your heart toward decisions consistent with God’s plan. Humility doesn’t earn you more of God’s love but helps you experience God’s love more deeply.

For these reasons, the Bible has a great deal to say about humility:

• Psalm 25:9 says, “He leads the humble in doing right, teaching them his way…”
• Psalm 147:6 says, “The Lord supports the humble…”
• Proverbs 11:2 says, “…with humility comes wisdom.”
• Proverbs 22:4 says, “True humility and fear of the Lord lead to riches, honor, and long life.”
• Isaiah 57:15 says, “…I restore the crushed spirit of the humble.”
• Matthew 23:12 says, “…those who humble themselves will be exalted.”
• James 4:6 says, “…God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

For all its benefits and blessings, humility is a necessary virtue for recovery. In fact, you might even consider it to be the prerequisite to sobriety. To study more about humility, read The Life Recovery Bible.

Finally, consider the words of the early twentieth-century preacher and theologian Oswald Chambers who described humility as “the great characteristic of a saint.”

by Steve Arterburn

What is the role of the Holy Spirit in recovery? Here are some of the ways the Holy Spirit helps with recovery.

1. The Holy Spirit indwells.
After you put your faith in Christ, the Bible says that the Holy Spirit lives in you from the moment you believe: “having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise” (Eph. 1:13, KJV). You cannot lose the Holy Spirit, even if you sin; the Holy Spirit will always live in you.

2. The Holy Spirit convicts.
Ever wonder how God brings conviction to a person struggling with addiction, bad choices, or any numerous types of sin? It’s the Holy Spirit. If you know someone struggling with addiction, no amount of pleading or preaching on your end will convict them. Nothing moves a heart more than a nudge from the Holy Spirit. Pray for the Holy Spirit to work in their life. If you struggle with addiction, when you feel the Holy Spirit nudging you, listen to and obey Him.

3. The Holy Spirit teaches.
Understanding how to grow in your faith and overcome challenges such as addiction may seem impossible. But remember that before Jesus left His disciples, He reminded them that God would send them a teacher—the Holy Spirit—to help them learn. Jesus said, “He will teach you everything” (John 14:26, NLT).

4. The Holy Spirit intercedes.
Sometimes, you don’t know what to pray for or ask God for, but the Holy Spirit knows! Pray throughout the day by asking the Triune God—God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit—to help you.

“Before I go into an important meeting, I always pray and ask the Holy Spirit to help me.”—Steve Arterburn

5. The Holy Spirit produces fruit.
You can’t bear fruit without the help of the Holy Spirit. According to Galatians 5:22-23, the fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The more you say no to the people, places, and things that trigger you, the easier it will be to say yes to the Holy Spirit to work in your life. As you live for the Lord, the Holy Spirit will produce more fruit.

6. The Holy Spirit empowers.
Part of recovery is recognizing that you can’t overcome addiction in your own strength. Surrender your desire to do life on your own terms; allow the Holy Spirit to control you. When you are powerless, the Holy Spirit will empower you. Consider what the Lord said in Zechariah 4:6 (NLT), “It is not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit.”

7. The Holy Spirit illuminates.
Studying God’s Word may seem intimidating. But when you start reading a Bible like The Life Recovery Bible, the Holy Spirit will illuminate and guide you to understand God’s Word. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to explain what you read. If you need help, join a Life Recovery Group where you can study the Bible together.

8. The Holy Spirit comforts.
How did Jesus describe the Holy Spirit? He referred to the Holy Spirit as “The Comforter.” John 16:7 (KJV) says, “if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you.” The Greek word paraclete means “one called to help.” In recovery, think of the Holy Spirit as a counselor who can comfort you as you cry out to Him; He can give you peace despite your past traumas, broken relationships, and all the ways you’ve been hurt.

If you or someone you know needs help in recovery, call us at 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433). We can connect you with a counselor, coach, and Life Recovery Group.

by Kimberlee Bousman

But suppose we know the difference between unhealthy and healthy coping methods. In that case, we’ll be much more likely to overcome addiction.

Unhealthy Ways to Cope
If you’re stuck in addiction, you may embrace the unspoken belief of “avoid pain at all costs.” If your primary defense has been to stop acting out, unhealthy coping patterns will keep you from healing.

Here are some unhealthy ways to cope:

• Arguing with others instead of accepting responsibility
• Blaming others for your addiction
• Escaping reality through gambling, shopping, or video games
• Fantasizing about sex
• Bingeing on TV shows
• Overeating to deal with difficult emotions
• Withdrawing from friends and family

Healthy Ways to Cope
Unfortunately, simply stopping unhealthy coping mechanisms does not give you the necessary skills to cope with stress and the pain of living in a fallen world. Not only does this make sobriety increasingly tricky, but it can also leave you even more vulnerable to relapse.

You must not only stop using whatever it was you were using to escape your pain but also learn how to cope with old triggers in new ways. Address your triggers and emotions so you can deal with the actual problem. By doing so, you will begin to regain power and no longer engage in other unhealthy secondary coping behaviors.

Here are some healthy ways to cope:

• Attending a New Life Intensive
• Eating healthy foods
• Exercising regularly
• Calling a friend or accountability partner
• Memorizing Scripture
• Praying to the Lord for strength
• Reading The Life Recovery Bible
• Talking about your feelings
• Writing in a journal
• Seeing a Christian coach

If you feel like you deserve a break and are tempted to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, instead, view pain as an opportunity for growth. God will transform your life as you turn away from harmful coping methods and turn toward healthy ones.

Let the words of the apostle Paul encourage you: “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”—Philippians 1:6, NLT

by Steve Arterburn

The Webster’s Dictionary defines transparent as: “free from pretense or deceit; easily detected or seen through; readily understood; characterized by visibility or accessibility of information.”

Want to be transparent in your recovery? There are three steps you must take.

Step 1: Come out of hiding.
The first step to transparency in recovery is to come out of hiding. It all started with Adam in the Garden of Eden. Eve gave Adam the fruit that God had forbidden them to eat, and he ate it. Instead of being transparent, Adam put on fig leaves and hid from God. God asked, “Where are you?” Then Adam replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked” (Genesis 3:10, NLT).

Just as Adam broke his intimacy and transparency with his Creator by hiding, you’ve broken your intimate relationship with God and others by trying to hide. Come out of hiding! When you stop hiding, your relationship with God and others will improve.

Step 2: Practice honesty with everyone.
The second step to transparency in recovery is to be honest. Learning to be open, candid, and vulnerable with others isn’t easy. You were probably taught as a young child that you don’t show your emotions or “your cards.” If you were playing a poker game, you’d hide your playing cards and try to project a false or deceptive front. But real life is not a poker game! If you want to heal, you’ll need to begin to reveal your genuine emotions, struggles, and hurts.

Start by being honest with God and others. God already knows your sin. So, confess to Him about the things you’ve done. Next, if you’re married, you must be honest with your spouse. Hopefully, you’ve already disclosed your struggles to them. But if you’ve had a relapse and fallen back into an addiction, be honest with your spouse about your current struggles. If you’re single and not currently married, confess your sins to someone you trust.

Confessing your sin is a vital step to healing. James 5:16 says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.”

Step 3: Be accountable to others in your community.
Finally, the third step to transparency in recovery is being accountable to others in your community. If you want to win the war over temptation, you’ll need to do more than just attend a Life Recovery Group; you’ll want to stay accountable to others in your community by finding an accountability partner or sponsor. Connect with a counselor in the New Life Counseling Network if you cannot find anyone who is safe.

Your accountability partner or counselor must be able to confront you with any shortcomings they see in you. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”

Decide a time and place to meet weekly with your accountability partner or counselor. Then, add a reminder to your smartphone. Treat this meeting as you would any critical appointment—don’t miss it unless it’s a life-or-death emergency!

If you’re trying to overcome addiction but haven’t made any progress, come out of hiding, practice honesty with everyone, and be accountable to others in your community. When you start living a transparent life, it will make all the difference in your recovery.

by Kimberlee Bousman

There is a key ingredient that every healthy relationship has. What is it? Every healthy relationship has two people who respect each other’s boundaries. Without respecting each other, a relationship cannot be healthy.

But in an unhealthy relationship, one or both people are treated badly because it is based on control. When one person tries to control another, it’s more like a parent-child relationship than a friendship, dating relationship, or marriage.

Are you in an unhealthy, controlling relationship?

To find out, here are some questions to ask:

• Does your partner tell you what to think, who to spend time with, or what to wear?
• Does your partner try to control, manipulate, belittle, or disrespect you?
• Does your partner isolate you from your friends, family, hobbies, and interests?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, see a New Life Counselor or Coach to determine your next step.

Does the Bible say how to stand against evil in a relationship? Yes! In Romans, Paul wrote, “Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good” (Romans 12:9, King James Version).

There may be two reasons why you are in a relationship where evil is allowed, and boundaries are not respected. First, you may need to set better boundaries. You teach people how to treat you by what you will and will not allow, so saying no is necessary. Second, if you are setting boundaries, it may be that your partner will disrespect them no matter what. You must follow through with the consequences. It may be as simple as stepping out of the room—or as severe as cutting off the relationship—if your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries.

Here are some reasonable expectations to set for a healthy relationship:

• You should expect to be treated well.
• You should expect your partner to respect your boundaries.
• You should respect your partner’s boundaries.

When you and your partner respect each other and each other’s boundaries, your relationship will have all the ingredients it needs to thrive.

By Steve Arterburn

More about Steve

This is why loving is so costly. To give yourself to the task of loving another isn’t worth a lot unless there is a cost involved. Time, effort, vulnerability, humility, and self-denial, are a few examples of the price tag. Yet this whole-self love has great benefits for both the lover and the receiver. The one who receives is loved well, which is the fuel for life; and the lover’s heart and soul are expanded from exercising this highest attribute of God. God’s heartbeat for love was so costly that he lost his life, yet even then lots of people spurn it. But he has no regrets about loving so lavishly.

As we are loved well, and respond responsibly to the love we are given, we begin to feel a sense of gratitude for what we are receiving from God and others: we love because we are loved (I John 4:19). Our gratefulness drives us to be concerned about the welfare of the other person, and our loved state gives us a safe foundation from which to venture out and begin helping and loving back.

Altruistic love is the most mature love. It is a giving type of love. It doesn’t need the other person’s support, and can love freely without depending on that other. It means that we have been loved so much, and have used that love to mature, that we are rooted and grounded in love (Eph. 3:17). We are in a loved state, with enough emotional memories internalized through our experiences to sustain us. At the same time, altruists are never without regular, sustaining relationship with God and others in their lives. But they are deeply involved in things like charities, ministries and helping activities with those who aren’t in a position to give back to them. This is the love that constrains God to act on our welfare (John 3:16).

If this seems like a tall order in learning to love, you are right. And yet, there is no more worthy activity. Ask God to help you grow in faith and hope, but especially in love (I Cor. 13:13). It brings His grace and character into your life, both today and into eternity.

1. You will be more likely to succeed in sobriety.
Is there a connection between sobriety and believing in a Higher Power? Yes, absolutely! Research shows there is a connection between sobriety and believing in a Higher Power. A case study was published in Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly, where 195 juvenile offenders were included in the research.

The authors reported that addiction was related to a lack of purpose and not fitting in. They found the top two factors that contribute to a person in recovery becoming sober were caring about other people and believing in a Higher Power.

2. You will learn to let go.
Learning to “let go and let God,” as the saying goes, is one of the best benefits of believing in a Higher Power.
Here’s an exercise:

• Write a list of things you’re trying to control.
• Surrender those things to God by prayer.
• Rip up the paper.

3. You will gain a new purpose.
God has a purpose for your life that only you can fulfill; ask Him to reveal His plan for you. Who knows? Perhaps you could find purpose by starting a Life Recovery Group; learn more here. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the LORD. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

In this verse, God encouraged the nation of Israel, who had been taken away in the Babylonian Captivity, that He had a plan for them that was filled with hope. If God had a future for Israel even though they were in captivity, God has a plan for you despite your hurts and heartaches, too!

4. You will be empowered.
Overcoming obstacles such as addiction requires power. Do you have the power on your own? No! But when you trust Christ, He fills you with the Holy Spirit. Though you are weak, the Holy Spirit is strong. Zechariah 4:6 says, “It is not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit.”

5. You will feel a comfort you have never known.
Though addiction may have comforted you temporarily, it created discomfort and chaos in every area of your life. Before His crucifixion, Christ told His disciples that the Holy Spirit would come to comfort them (See John 14:16). Reclaim your peace by allowing the Holy Spirit—not food, porn, alcohol, shopping, substance abuse, codependency, or something else—to comfort you.

6. You will be able to overcome temptation.
Believing in Christ as your Higher Power means trusting in God’s Word. One of the best ways to overcome temptation is the Bible. When the enemy fills you with shame, discouragement, or some other temptation, read and memorize Scripture.

7. You will discover you are never alone.
Since disconnection is often the catalyst for addiction, what’s the antidote? Connection! If you don’t already have a recovery group, you can join a Life Recovery Group; find a Life Recovery Group online or in person. God is there for you to connect with as well. Whenever you feel alone or on the verge of giving up, remember that God has promised to, “not fail you or abandon you” (Joshua 1:5). Remember that.

Call 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433) to find resources and a Life Recovery Group to help you grow in your faith and succeed in your recovery.

by Kimberlee Bousman

Step One in Life Recovery says, “We admitted that we were powerless over our problems and that our lives had become unmanageable.”

There are three reasons why you must be honest about your needs.

First, God wants to give you good things. He’s hoping you’ll humbly admit that you have needs. Don’t be afraid to ask others for help. Remember, God made us to relate—and love—one another. God is our Heavenly Father. Even if your earthly parents were not good parents, God is a good heavenly Father and wants to give you good things. But you’ll never get it unless you ask, as Matthew 7:9-11 (NLT) says:

You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

Second, God did not design you to live life alone. If you’re “the strong” one who is always lending a hand and seeing that others are taken care of, it’s hard to let someone know you need help, but it’s important that you do it. We need more two-way streets in our Christian communities. If you haven’t found a good Christian community that supports your recovery and can help you get your needs met, find a Life Recovery Group online or in person here.

Third, God wants you to persevere by continuing to ask and seek help. We can learn from the parable of the persistent widow (see Luke 18:1-3). She was a needy widow who was certainly brave enough to ask for help and keep asking for help from an unjust judge. At first, the judge says no to the widow. Nevertheless, she refused to give up and continued to persevere. As a result, the judge said yes to her request.

There’s a famous quote from an unknown author that says, “Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it.”

Like the persistent widow, trust a gracious, loving, and merciful God to supply your needs.

by Steve Arterburn

1. How did last year go for you in your recovery?
When reflecting on last year, it’s essential to consider both positive and negative experiences. Celebrate the successes. But don’t forget to analyze any failures so that the new year can be different.

2. What’s an impossible prayer you can pray?
Fear kills more dreams than failure ever will. Ask God to do the impossible, for “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). Don’t let fear hinder you from asking God for help; let faith fuel you.

3. In what ways can you simplify your life?
Stress and burnout are some of the reasons those struggling with addiction will relapse. If your schedule feels overwhelming, consider delegating tasks and trimming unnecessary activities. By embracing less, you can achieve more in your recovery journey.

4. What does the time you spend with God look like?
Start your day off right with a moment of peace and reflection. Schedule a daily quiet time with God; even just a few minutes can make a big difference. Begin with a prayer and delve into the life-changing words of God’s Word. A great Bible to read is The Life Recovery Bible.

5. How can you use your time more wisely?
For a few days, track where all your time goes. Then, take a closer look at your daily routine. Identify and eliminate non-essential activities that do not contribute to your recovery or healing.

6. Are there any healthy habits you’d like to start?
A habit is a behavior done with little to no thought. Reflect on any healthy habits you can incorporate into your daily routine. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself; solidifying a new habit may take weeks or months.

7. What everyday challenges do you face that could hinder your success in recovery?
Consider adding daily journaling to your routine if you haven’t already. It’s a powerful tool to become more aware of your emotions, thoughts, and the temptations that could hinder your progress.

8. Are there any mistakes that you made last year that you want to avoid making again this year?
A mistake made once or twice is a mistake, but a mistake made repeatedly is a pattern. Ask God—and your accountability partner—to show you some of the mistakes you made last year. Then, brainstorm ways to avoid making the same mistakes in the new year.

9. How can you make your relationships healthier?
It has been said that you are the sum of 5 people you spend the most time with. Are the people you are the closest to healthy? What about the rest of your relationships? For help forming authentic relationships where you’ll also find accountability, attend a Life Recovery Group weekly.

10. Where do you want to be in the future?
When addiction held you captive, the future felt bleak. But in recovery, goals and dreams are within reach. Imagine where you want to be a year to five years from now. God has gotten you through so much in the past; you can trust He has good plans for you in the future (see Jeremiah 29:11). 11. What steps must you take to get to where you’d like to be a year from now? Reflecting on what you could imagine for your future, take a moment to pen a letter to your future self one year from now. Share the essential steps you plan to take, the new habits you aim to cultivate, and the supportive individuals you can turn to for guidance.

Start your new year off right with the support you need! Call us at 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433) to get started.

by Kimberlee Bousman

Check out 7 essential steps to help you heal from betrayal trauma in marriage.

1. Spot the symptoms of betrayal trauma.
Being betrayed by a husband or wife can cause a person to experience mental and physical health struggles such as:

• • PTSD
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Nightmares
  • Stomach distress
  • Low self-worth
  • Insomnia

2. Realize that setting boundaries does not make you the bad guy.
After a person is betrayed by their spouse, they may feel guilty or even bad when they set boundaries. Boundaries are not meant to punish the guilty spouse but to keep the innocent spouse safe. The sooner you realize setting boundaries doesn’t make you the bad guy, the sooner you will begin to heal.

3. Build up your self-esteem.
One of the worst casualties of betrayal in marriage is when the betrayed partner’s confidence and self-esteem take a big hit. The good news is that self-worth can be built up again. Start by taking thoughts captive (see 2 Corinthians 10:5). Be willing to look at all negative thoughts about yourself and discard any that don’t align with God’s Word.

4. Feel your emotions.
Emotions don’t go away if they are ignored, suppressed, or numbed. Here’s an exercise to try: Keep a Feelings Word List handy. If you need one, contact New Life Ministries by calling 800-639-5433. When it is difficult to name an emotion, look at the Feelings Word List to help pinpoint your feelings. Putting a name to the emotion you are experiencing makes it easier to express your feelings to your spouse and ask for what you need.

5. Grieve the loss of trust.
One of the most critical steps to healing betrayal trauma is to grieve the loss of trust. It’s okay to cry, be angry, be confused, and feel sad about the losses experienced. By grieving the losses your spouse’s betrayal caused, you validate the severity of your spouse’s actions. This will help you begin to heal more authentically.

6. Take care of yourself.
Part of healing is for the betrayed partner to learn to take care of themselves physically and emotionally. Start small by exercising gradually each day by taking small walks. Then, increase exercising each day to at least 30 minutes. In addition, eat healthy foods. And make sure to take time to get enough sleep at night. If the stress of living with an unfaithful partner is too much to handle, consider separation for a while. Separation from an unfaithful spouse can give some much-needed emotional and physical relief.

7. Be willing to wait to trust your spouse until they’re trustworthy.
Actions speak louder than words. So, a cheating spouse must earn trust back by seeing a licensed counselor, understanding what led them to be unfaithful, and making amends. Ultimately, only you can decide whether to trust again. See a counselor in the New Life Counseling Network for help knowing whether an unfaithful spouse can be trusted again.

If you’re experiencing betrayal trauma in your marriage, please know we are here for you! Call us at 800-NEW-LIFE.

By Kimberlee Bousman

Contrary to what some secular counselors might think, God’s Word teaches there can be peace in death because there’s is hope in Jesus Christ. That’s what Christmas is all about: God’s love coming down as a tiny baby to bring hope to a lonely and broken world.

Jesus was born into a dark, dreary place and knew what it was like to suffer. He was acquainted with grief. Isaiah 53:3 (New Living Translation, NLT) says, “He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.”

Grieving the loss of a loved one is one of the biggest challenges at any time of the year. But Christmas can magnify a sense of loss and sorrow. Seasonal events can be painful reminders of the absence of loved ones. For help, connect with a counselor or coach.

If you are mourning the loss of loved ones this season, here are some tips to get through grief at Christmas:

• Talk about your grief.
• Keep your plans flexible.
• Limit alcohol intake.
• Do things differently.
• Talk about your memories.
• Volunteer to help others.
• Feel free to say no.
• Give journaling a go.
• Start new traditions.

If you’re grieving, look to the true story of Christmas and find hope. . . hope God gave us in the baby, our redeemer, Jesus Christ, who understands what it feels like to grieve!

By Steve Arterburn

More about Steve.

At Christmas, we’re not in the driver’s seat. After all, we must be patient while waiting in line to find a parking spot. We have much to do on our to-do list but not enough time or money to get everything done and buy all the presents. When spending time with extended family, we must be mindful of others’ schedules, feelings, and ideas. Often, the whole experience is uncomfortable and frightening. But during this stressful time of year, we can find hope and serenity in the promises of God.

Mary was in her early teens when destiny took her by the hand. She was greeted by an angel who announced that God had chosen her to be the mother of the Messiah. She found herself pregnant, much to the confusion of her fiancé, family, friends, and neighbors. After the angel returned to visit her fiancé, he believed Mary’s story and married her. When the time came to give birth, she and Joseph were required to travel the long, arduous journey to Bethlehem. There, in a smelly stable carved out of the side of a rocky hill, she delivered the baby. Only her husband was there to attend Jesus’ birth (Luke 1:26–2:20).

What power did she have over her circumstances? She was powerless under the will of God, the decree of the state, the limitations of their financial poverty, and the demands of her body. And yet, by holding on to the promises God had given her, she found serenity in her powerlessness and gave birth to the Savior. This Christmas, things may be stressful, but you can stress less. Here are just a few ways to deal with stress:

• Read God’s Word and pray daily.
• Schedule time for self-care.
• When feeling overwhelmed, take a break.
• Minimize screen time in favor of connection.
• Attend a Life Recovery Group weekly or a few times a week.

When we are powerless, we can find serenity by holding on to the promises of God. When we do this, we will find new life and salvation being born again into our lives.

No matter our stressful our circumstances are at Christmas, God meets us there with His grace.

By Steve Arterburn and Dr. Dave Stoop

Adapted from The Life Recovery Devotional.

If your goal is to not drink, here are 8 drama-free ways to get through the holidays alcohol-free.

1. Find a sober friend to support you.
Before going to a party or night out where alcohol may be present, invite a friend who doesn’t drink—or plans to not drink that night—to go. This is a drama-free way to get support if the temptation to drink gets too hard or overwhelming. If your friend or accountability partner can’t go, call in with them during the party to check in with them.

2. Set boundaries beforehand.
Be comfortable communicating boundaries. Before attending an event where people may offer alcohol, set a limit by telling them, “I can go, but please don’t ask me to drink because I’ve given up alcohol. If it is too tempting, I may have to leave early.”

3. Don’t give up because you slipped up.
It’s not uncommon for someone in recovery from alcohol addiction to have a relapse. All too often, a person in recovery may see relapse as a reason to give up and throw in the towel altogether…don’t! Instead, see a slip-up as a temporary, not a moral failure. If you do relapse, call an accountability partner, friend, or counselor as soon as possible to let them know what happened.

4. Give yourself permission to say ‘no’ to going to parties where alcohol will be served.
If going to a party where alcohol is going to be served and the temptation might be too much, feel free to simply say “no” to the party invitation. There’s no need to give an excuse or explanation.

5. Double up on going to Life Recovery Group meetings.
To stay accountable to others and to talk about some of the struggles of the holiday season, plan to attend a couple of recovery meetings every week by attending a Life Recovery Group. There are hundreds of groups to choose from—many are online and on different days and times. Find a group here.

6. Identify and avoid your triggers.
Many people feel anxious and overwhelmed at Christmas. In fact, 64 percent of individuals who struggle with mental health issues say that the holidays make things worse for them, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). Recognize what your triggers are and find healthy ways to deal with them. So, if finances are a struggle, create a budget and stick with it, even if it means letting others know an expensive gift is not in your budget.

7. Avoid visual reminders at restaurants.
Out of sight means out of mind. Standing away from the bar in a restaurant and choosing a spot at the table looking away from it can help. It is also acceptable to let the host or hostess seating you know to seat you further away from the bar.

8. Remember your why.
One of the most drama-free ways to get through the holidays alcohol-free is to remember why you decided not to drink in the first place. Spend some time praying to ask God for wisdom, and be sure to ask yourself, “Why do I want to stop drinking?” Perhaps you want to stop drinking because you’ve gotten in trouble with the law due to alcohol, or maybe your doctor pointed out that drinking is creating health problems for you. Whatever the motivation is to stop drinking alcohol, write down why you want to stop. Then, when you’re tempted to drink, pull it out and look at it.

Is alcohol addiction a struggle? Please know that we are here for you. Call 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433) to find a counselor, coach, or Life Recovery Group.

by Kimberlee Bousman

Actor and songwriter, Al Kasha, for example, had it all but still struggled with fear. He had already fought his way through an eating disorder, workaholism, and drug abuse when agoraphobia imprisoned him in his home.

When Al was seven, he appeared on Broadway with Ethel Merman in Annie Get Your Gun. His brother, Larry, became a Tony Award-winning theater producer. Al’s career soon blossomed by writing the hit song “The Morning After” and winning his first Academy Award. As a result of the award, he experienced one of the worst panic attacks of his life.

Al’s battle with agoraphobia intensified, and he and his wife, Ceil, separated. In a rented apartment, Al sat up all night, trying to figure out a way to get his life back together. And he heard a television minister say that fear could be removed by having Jesus in one’s life.

It was hard for Al to say the name Jesus because of his Jewish upbringing. But he finally said the name and began to pray, weep, confess his sins, and beg God to help him reconcile with his wife.

That night, deep in his heart, Al heard God speak these powerful words: “You are My son, and I love you.” His agoraphobia disappeared. His wife reconciled with him. And his new life of freedom from fear had begun.

When you cry out to the Lord as Al did, God will hear and answer you.

One example in Scripture of someone crying out to the Lord was Peter when he was on the Sea of Galilee. The disciples were in the middle of the Sea of Galilee at night. When a storm arose, they looked up and saw Jesus walking on the water. The disciples were afraid, which makes sense. Who would expect to see anyone walking on top of the water, even under the best of conditions?

Peter was the only one of the disciples who responded in true faith. For Peter to say, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water” (Matthew 14:28, NLT) was a tremendous act of faith. He was the only one who spoke that way. But as Peter was walking, there was a moment he took his eyes off Jesus, became scared, and began to sink. It was then that he cried, “Save me, Lord!” (v. 30). And Jesus saved him.

What should your first response be when fear sets in and spills over into your everyday life? Like Peter and Al did, cry out the name of Jesus. Turn to the Lord. And choose faith over fear.

By Steve Arterburn

More about Steve

To avoid relapse, be on the lookout for—and overcome-—the following six obstacles.

1. Stress
Research shows that the more stressful a recovering addict’s life is, the more likely they are to turn back to an addictive substance or behavior to cope. Don’t let stress get in the way of recovery; recognize when you are stressed and learn healthier ways to cope.

Healthy ways to cope with stress:

• Improving your work-life balance
• Breathing exercises
• Taking regular breaks
• Exercising

2. Difficult Emotions
Ignoring emotions, stuffing feelings down, and bottling everything up is a massive obstacle to maintaining sobriety. Experiencing emotions—like anger, sadness, or fear—provides a powerful growth opportunity. Try writing in a journal, seeing a counselor in the New Life Counseling Network, and talking to a friend about your feelings.

3. People and Places
No matter how well recovery is going, it’s tempting to see old friends and go to the same old places. Try brainstorming with a mentor or accountability partner about how to respond. For example, suppose a recovering alcoholic is asked by their coworkers to go out for a drink after work. In that case, they can respond by saying, “No, thank you. I already have plans,” then call up a friend or an accountability partner and talk with them instead of giving in to temptation.

4. Isolation
As one increases in their ability to stay sober, they may think that it’s okay to isolate themselves and skip recovery meetings altogether. However, attending a recovery group every week is a great strategy to prevent a relapse. There are numerous Life Recovery Group meetings online and in-person, so there’s no excuse to stay isolated. Attending recovery meetings every week can be a life-saving decision. Schedule going to a meeting regularly and actively participating in it—this will help you deal with emotional struggles inside and keep from acting out.

5. Complacency
Being overconfident in recovery can lead to complacency. In Life Recovery Groups, warnings about complacency are often part of the discussion. It is vital to remain active and humble so that complacency doesn’t undermine your sobriety. If you feel as if the “hard part” is over and that the work has been done, you’ll be more likely to relapse and fall back into addiction.

6. Holidays and Celebrations
Everyone is celebrating during the holidays, so it’s easy to think, “I deserve a night off.” But sobriety doesn’t take a vacation day, holiday, or night off. Instead of going out for the night or going over to a party that might not be the best environment, have a plan, such as inviting sober friends or your Life Recovery Group over for a nice meal and to watch movies together.

Struggling with sobriety? Has it been hard to overcome these and other obstacles? Please know we are here for you! Call 800-NEW-LIFE.

By Kimberlee Bousman

Wow! What a reminder! There’s no doubt that one should give thanks more often. Time is set aside for being grateful at mealtimes, Sunday mornings, and Thanksgiving. But a person in recovery from addiction should not let an hour go by without giving thanks . . . for work, school, kids, health, spouse, friends, blessings, and even challenges.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NLT) says, “Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.”

When a person in recovery has a God-awareness about life and sense Him working in their life—both in the important things and the trivial things—it’s hard not to be thankful. A grateful heart finds the countless blessings of God, even in the mundane.

Practicing gratitude may seem easy to some but daunting to others. For most people, their brains have been wired and become accustomed to thinking one way—often negative. This can be especially true for those in recovery.

Those with addiction issues sometimes have maladjusted ways of thinking, which become habits. These thoughts, as mentioned, can tend to be negative. But negative thoughts will never lead to a positive life. Being grateful, though, can do the opposite. It can rewire the brain and improve one’s overall mental and physical well-being.

Becoming grateful is as simple as building a new way of thinking. This can be accomplished through some simple practices. And just as with any other habit, gratitude can become a part of everyday life.

To be more grateful in recovery, you can:

• Write in a gratitude journal.
• Keep a gratitude jar.
• Write prayers out.
• Send thank-you notes.
• Share your story in a Life Recovery Group.

Take time to thank God and be grateful every day. Be thankful for the victories, whether small or big. By remembering what God has done in the past and is doing in the present, it will give you strength to overcome struggles in the future.

By Steve Arterburn

According to The Journal of Psychological and Behavioral Science, 27 percent of Americans are estranged from a member of their own family, and 40 percent have experienced estrangement at some point in their lives. How does one heal from being cut off from their family or having to cut off communication with an unsafe family? Here are some tips on how to heal.

1. Understand the common causes of why families become estranged.
Family estrangements occur when at least one family member cuts off communication with another. Some causes may include:

• • Abuse
  • Addiction
  • Betrayal
  • Disagreements
  • Secrets

2. Take responsibility for the role you may have played in past hurts.
One must ask God to reveal anything they said or did that could have been hurtful. If an estranged family member does agree to talk, just be there to listen. Now is not the time to try to win an argument. Don’t try to blame or defend—instead, show empathy and love.

3. Consider writing a letter.
A handwritten letter is becoming increasingly rare, so sending one signifies care and concern. This letter should describe the impact the estrangement has had on the relationship and express a desire to repair it. Resist the urge to defend your past actions or to list grievances against the family member in this letter. It will be difficult, but it is worth trying to appeal to a clean start for the relationship.

4. Acknowledge and work through difficult feelings.
Sometimes one can do everything right and still be cut off from their family. While they are not to blame, they are still responsible for their own healing. Emotions—like anger, resentment, bitterness, sadness, loneliness, and shame—need to be acknowledged. However, no one should ever form their identity around their feelings.
“Today, you can be a model parent and do all the right things, but your adult child can still become estranged from you,” says Steve Arterburn.
“Do what you can to reconnect with them, but don’t carry around shame.”

5. Know your boundaries and stick with them.
Before a relationship is rekindled, communicate boundaries, and respect a family member’s boundaries. Perhaps commit to an hour at a coffee shop. For example, tell them, “I look forward to having coffee. If we talk calmly, I can stay for an hour.” Then if the conversation gets too heated, let them know, “I feel like this is getting a little out of hand, so I’m going to leave.”

6. Grieve the loss of the relationship as you continue to pray for your family.
Estrangement grief can become complicated grief or complex trauma. Being cut off from family can cause isolation, depression, low self-worth, anxiety, and more. See a New Life Counselor and attend a New Life Recovery Group for support. Remember to continue to pray and trust God for your family; God loves your family even more than you do!

7. Form a new family.
The psalmist writes “God sets the lonely into families” (Psalm 68:6, NLT). Despite being estranged from family, don’t give up hope! God can give you a spiritual family.

“Families are created in unusual ways. It can be our church community and support groups—not just our blood relatives—who form our family.
But we must have a family identity; it is a powerful thing.”—Becky Brown

Are you estranged from family and need help? If so, call 800-NEW-LIFE to find a licensed counselor or certified coach to help you.

by Kimberlee Bousman

As a result, heart attacks, migraines, depression, and addictions are also a part of life, and many research studies have concluded a link between stress and these physical ailments and struggles.

God designed stress to keep humans motivated. Before grocery stores, motels, and clothing outlets, people worked in the fields in the summer to be clothed, fed, and sheltered in the winter.

Most Americans do not have to worry about their next meal or clothes on their back, yet they are more stressed than ever. Social media applies much pressure to look, feel, think, and behave in specific ways. It’s not unusual to strive to live longer, maintain a beautiful body, drive a faster car, raise perfect children, and manage successful careers; however, one can become overwhelmed with trying to do it all.

Nothing is wrong with wanting a comfortable life, but at what cost? Every choice one makes has an emotional, physical, and spiritual price tag. Many work long hours, care for others, and focus on what they don’t have, yet the cost is the neglect of God, family, and their health.

God doesn’t want an individual to live all stressed out! One can’t do their work when tired, sick, or depressed. So, how can God’s gift of peace and serenity be reclaimed? Here are some tips that may help. If one can’t de-stress on their own, if they can’t pull out of depression, or if they worry constantly, they can find a New Life Counselor or New Life Coach to help them.

Most people are living in the past by feeling regret or disappointment. If not, they are living in the future by feeling stress, anxiety, and worry. Why not live right now? Right here? “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today” (Matthew 6:34, NLT).

“Carpe diem, seize the day” is as sound a philosophy today as it was 1,000 years ago. One must learn from the past and prepare for the future, but living is right now.

By Julie Davis

More about our contributors.

Oswald Chambers correctly observed, “Our Lord never asks us to decide for Him; He asks us to yield to Him—a very different matter.” These words serve as a reminder that even when one can’t fully understand what God is doing, one must trust Him and accept His will.

Everyone will experience adversity and pain. As a human being with limited comprehension, one can never fully understand the will of their Father in heaven. But when believers trust a benevolent God, they must also trust His providence.

When Jesus went to the Mount of Olives, as described in Luke 22, He poured out His heart to God. Jesus knew of the agony He was destined to endure but that God’s will must be done. Like Jesus, a believer will face trials that bring fear and trembling to the very depths of their soul. Likewise, they must seek God’s will, not their own.

Has there ever been a personal tragedy that was hard to understand? If so, it’s time to make peace with life. It’s time to forgive others and surrender to the Lord. It’s time to accept the unchangeable past, embrace the priceless present, and have faith in tomorrow’s promise. It’s time to trust God completely. And it’s time to trust God to make a way—He will make a way when there seems to be no way.

Isaiah 43:18-19 says: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

Acceptance means learning to trust God more. Today, think of at least one aspect of life that has been hard for you to accept. Then ask God for the ability to help you accept it and trust Him for the future.

By Steve Arterburn

Before going to bed, spend a few minutes thinking about the good and the bad things that happened that day. Record answers in a journal. Consider asking the following questions when taking a daily inventory:

1. “What do I have to be grateful for today?”
Take the time to write down all the things that happened that day to thank God for. Write down as many things as possible each day—whether it’s a compliment from a coworker, an opportunity to reconnect with an old friend or an answer to prayer. Seeing life through the lenses of gratitude can give hope to prevent relapses or giving up altogether.

2. “Did I say or do anything that I need to take responsibility for?”
Everyone makes mistakes and has poor behavior and judgment at one time or another. But the act of trying to right a wrong that happened today is much easier than trying to make amends years from now. Pray and ask God for the wisdom and courage to apologize if needed.

3. “Did any regrets from the past or fears for the future flood my mind?”
Fearful, anxious thoughts can quickly come into the mind if left unchecked. These thoughts can destroy peace of mind and lead to poor decision making. List any fears, worries, or regrets. Remember, fear should compel us to trust in God. David said, “But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you” (Psalm 56:3, NLT).

4. “Is there anything that happened today to threaten my sobriety?”
Sobriety is a process; setbacks will happen. But the best way to prevent a relapse is long before it happens. Understand external triggers such as people, places, and things that elicit thoughts or cravings associated with addiction.

5. “Did I allow myself to become too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?”
The H.A.L.T. acronym is helpful in avoiding or resolving feelings of hunger, anger, loneliness, and tiredness for those in recovery. By learning to identify these feelings and trying to meet these basic needs in healthy ways, it’s easier to reduce and relieve triggers that pop up. The key is to pay attention to them and not ignore them.

6. “Is there anything I need to admit to God and those to whom I’m accountable?”
A critical component of taking a daily personal inventory is being honest. Taking an inventory helps to spot negative patterns as they emerge—be sure to talk about these with a New Life Counselor and a Life Recovery Group.

7. “What steps can I take to have a better tomorrow?”
In recovery, there will be good days and bad days. When things don’t go so well, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Take it one day at a time. Learn lessons today and realize it’s never too late to make better choices tomorrow.

If you or a loved one needs help with recovery, call 800-NEW-LIFE. We can connect you with a licensed counselor or certified coach.

by Kimberlee Bousman

Feel the need for a fresh start right now? Embrace this season as a chance for a new beginning. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says,
“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.”

Here are five ways to make a fresh start this fall.

Evaluate your goals.

Fall is here, so it’s time to take stock of goals. Don’t let them fade away—take a moment to evaluate whether a goal has been reached or if it has fallen by the wayside. The fall season is a great time to check in on your progress on the goals you set for yourself at the beginning of the year. Most people set goals but never think about them again until the following year, often to find that they haven’t accomplished their goals. See a coach in the New Life Coaching Network for help.

Prioritize spending time with the Lord.

Make spending time with God daily, in His Word, and in prayer a priority. You may not want to set aside time to spend time with God, but it might never happen if you wait until you feel like spending time with God. C.S. Lewis said, “It’s easier to act your way into a feeling than it is to feel your way into an action.”

Renew your relationships.

Along with fall comes spending time with family and friends. This is the perfect time to suggest to a spouse, close friend, child, or family member that you read the Bible together. Suggest a night to sit together to read and pray. This can be the perfect opportunity to experience an emotional and spiritual connection that may have been missing in the relationship.

Make amends.

How about reaching out to that friend who doesn’t talk to you anymore because of a fight or an argument in the past? Or, what about making a fresh start with that adult son or daughter who has been hurt in the past and hasn’t seen you—or even talked to you—in a long time? Sending a text, making a phone call, writing a letter, or extending an invitation to go out to eat can improve the relationship.

Attend a New Life intensive workshop.

Our intensive workshops combine truth-filled teaching with life-changing small breakout group sessions led by a licensed counselor. Throughout the workshop, you will be surrounded by others, just like you, and given tools by leading experts to make a new start. Each intensive has a specific focus. Sign up today and make a fresh start for your heart, soul, mind, and relationships.

Don’t delay. Make a fresh start this fall. It’ll take a little work, but it’ll be worth it.

This definition is accurate, as far as it goes. But when one examines the deeper meaning of friendship, many more descriptors come to mind such as trustworthiness, loyalty, helpfulness, kindness, understanding, forgiveness, encouragement, humor, and cheerfulness, to mention but a few. A trusted friend can help someone discover God’s unfolding purposes for their life. Seek a friend who is wise, honest, and encouraging.

Suppose one genuinely wants to strengthen one’s character. In that case, one must build closer relationships with people who want to do the same. That’s why fellowship with like-minded believers should be integral to every believer’s life. Friendships should be uplifting, enlightening, encouraging, and (above all) character-building.

Having friends who seek God’s will and obey God’s Word is wise. One place to look for friends like this is in a local church. Another place is in a Life Recovery Group. Find one online or in-person here.

When one builds lasting friendships pleasing to God—relationships with godly men and women whose values are admirable and whose intentions are honorable—they will be richly blessed. But suppose someone spends time with folks whose priorities are as questionable as their ethics. In that case, they’re treading on dangerous grounds. So, here’s an invaluable tip for character building: Choose friends carefully.

When choosing a friend, be less concerned with their appearances and more about them having integrity. Resolve to be a trustworthy, encouraging, loyal friend to others. It should be a genuine friend who—through their presence and their love—is helping others to build their character. Friendship is a glorious gift praised by God. Give thanks for that gift and nurture it.

When it comes to choosing friends, remember Proverbs 27:17, which teaches the importance of choosing good friends when it says, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”

By Steve Arterburn

Not only does the Bible require making amends, but so do the 12 Steps. Life Recovery Step 9 says, “We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

Here are some suggestions on what to do—and say—when making amends.

1. Start with a heartfelt apology.
Don’t apologize on social media or through texting. Instead, try talking sincerely to the other person face-to-face. Avoid making a general apology like, “I apologize for everything.” Rather, look them in the eye and say, “It was very callous of me to hurt you as I did, and I apologize for the harm I caused you.”

2. Take responsibility for your actions.
Making amends is more than just offering an apology—making amends is when an individual takes responsibility for their part in hurting someone. Blaming, making excuses, and minimizing are all signs of avoiding responsibility. A better way is to say, “I alone am responsible.”

3. Be specific about what you did wrong.
It is best to specifically name any faults, offenses, or sins committed that hurt the other person. It may even help to write down the wrongdoings and practice beforehand to be prepared. Going into the meeting knowing what to say shows the other person that resolving the matter is essential; being detailed in the conversation demonstrates care and concern.

4. Genuinely express remorse.
Just saying “I was wrong” is not enough. One must also show sorrow over what one did, how one hurt the other person and the pain it caused them. The offender must convey genuine feelings of remorse to successfully make amends.

5. Listen and validate.
Often, a person who has been hurt longs to feel heard, understood, and validated. When making amends, be sure to take the time to ask questions and listen. Let the other person talk about their feelings, experience, and perspective. Then, after they are done talking, validate them by saying, “I can see why you would feel that way.”

6. Ask for forgiveness.
When asking for forgiveness, be authentic. Be willing to accept any consequences—no matter how severe. If the other person forgives but acts poorly, it’s okay to not reconcile. Even though a person says they forgive, they might not be ready to reconcile.

7. Do what you can to rectify the situation.
Ask the other person if there is a way to amend wrongdoings. This shows a willingness to make right that which was wrong. For example, if money was taken, offer to pay them back by saying, “I will pay you back twice the amount of money that I took from you.” Another way to rectify the situation is to see a counselor in the New Life Counseling Network.

8. Change your behavior.
The process of making amends does not have to stop after apologizing. One must take it a step further and be willing to change their behavior. By changing one’s behavior, they show others that they are doing what they can to make amends and earn back the trust that was broken.

If it has been hard for you to make amends, please know we are here for you. Call 800-NEW-LIFE. We can provide resources that can help you and connect you with a licensed counselor or certified coach.

by Kimberlee Bousman

But where there seems to be no way, God can make a way! Isaiah 43:19b (NLT) says, “I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”

Here are some common struggles adult children of addicts face, and how to overcome them.

1. Isolation
Growing up with a parent stuck in addiction can create an environment of unpredictability for a child. One day, the parent may be fine to be around; the next day, the parent is dangerous. These conditions can take a toll on a child’s sense of safety, which may then cause them to withdraw. Come out of hiding by finding a Life Recovery Group to connect with.

2. Attention-Seeking
Not all children of addicts are isolated; some strive to seek the attention they needed from their parents or caregivers but never got. So, they may look to inappropriate or excessive behaviors to gain the attention of others. If an individual struggles with this, they can journal to be more aware of unhealthy patterns.

3. Fear of Abandonment
The core wound of an adult child of an addict is often the fear of abandonment. Because they were abandoned or rejected as children so many times, they fear it will happen all over again as an adult. But what is broken in relationship is healed in relationship. See a licensed Christian counselor in the New Life Counselor Network will help to make sense of the past, as well as develop safe ways to cope with these fears.

4. Low Self-Worth
Children of addicts experience deep shame and guilt for their parent’s behavior. It was not their fault what happened to them; however, difficult feelings were put on them by a parent or someone else who shamed, blamed, or belittled for what their parent did. The guilt they feel for their parent’s addiction may lead to low self-worth.

5. Emotionally Numb
A parent who struggles with addiction is often unable to help their child regulate their emotions because they are emotionally dysregulated themselves. As a result, an adult child of an addict may try to numb their feelings by stuffing them down or turning to an addiction. When it is difficult for someone to name an emotion, they can look at a Feelings Word List, like the one here, to help pinpoint their feelings. By putting a name to the emotion that they are experiencing, it will be easier for them to express their feelings to others and ask for what they need in a relationship.

6. Victim Mentality
Some adult children of addicts have a victim mentality because they have come to believe that they are at the mercy of external circumstances and other people. These individuals believe they are not at fault for their choices, and there is little that they can personally do to affect the outcomes of their actions or success. Healing, though, can only happen when one takes responsibility for their life. By going through the 12 Steps of Life Recovery and attending a Life Recovery Group weekly, one can gain tools they need to overcome a victim mentality.

If you grew up with a parent who was an addict, you’ll likely identify with some of these struggles. But you have something today that you did not have as a child. You have a choice. You can change. And you don’t have to live this way anymore.

For help, call 800-NEW-LIFE.

by Kimberlee Bousman

God doesn’t automatically transform a person’s character because He expects them to do the demanding work it takes to follow Christ.

The life of a follower of Christ is often depicted in the Bible as a field to cultivate:

Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the Lord, that he may come and shower righteousness upon you. — Hosea 10:12, NLT

Likewise, a follower of Christ must work hard to grow spiritually and become fruitful. They must till the ground hardened by sin, pull weeds that have grown from neglect, and plant seeds of biblical truth daily. But God doesn’t expect His followers to do the work by themselves; instead, He works alongside His followers, so they surrender and become willing and able to do the work. God equips each person to accomplish the tasks He has for them through the power of the Holy Spirit.

The Bible is full of life-changing stories that show how God patiently works to change a person’s character. For example, take the story of Joseph in the Egyptian jail. Thirteen years passed from when he was sold by his brothers to when he left prison. Still, during his time in prison, Joseph grew to become a humble leader (see Genesis 39:20-41-41). Another story is that of Moses in the desert. After Moses killed an Egyptian, he fled to Midian. He spent forty years preparing to lead the children out of Egypt (See Exodus 3:15-4:20).

Don’t forget David’s flight from Saul (1 Samuel 21-24) and Jonah’s time in a fish’s belly (Jonah 1:17-2:10). Consider all the suffering Job went through (Job 1:13-2:8). Remember how Peter denied Christ three times (Matthew 26:69-74). Observe how Paul miraculously changed on the road to Damascus. However, preparing for missionary work still took him three years (Galatians 1:15-18).

Finally, the Bible is clear that brokenness, humility, and patience all lead to spiritual maturity and usefulness. A follower of Christ must become familiar with the stories in Scripture by reading them carefully and learning from them. Because their examples illustrate how Christ can change a person’s life.

A person’s character doesn’t change overnight because it is slowly carved out over time.

By Steve Arterburn

There are three steps one must take to finally take control of one’s thought life.

Step #1: Confess any sins to God.

One must admit that they have been struggling with controlling their thoughts and sinned against the Lord and others through their actions. As one identifies these sins, one must confess and repent (decide to stop doing it). Leviticus 5:5 says, “When you become aware of your guilt in any of these ways, you must confess your sin.” Take time to seek the help of the Holy Spirit by asking for the strength and power necessary to make these changes.

Step #2: Make a list of lies and excuses.

Admit any lies and excuses. And more importantly, stop using them. Here are several examples:

• “I don’t deserve to be loved.”
• “I’ll never amount to anything.”
• “I’m damaged goods.”
• “I love them, so sex is OK.”
• “I can stop this whenever I want to.”
• “Everyone’s doing it.”

Step #3: Evaluate self-talk.

One must be aware of what one says to themselves because their self-talk significantly influences how they think, feel, and act. If they’re constantly putting themselves down—either in their head or out loud to others—they are more likely to end up in unhealthy relationships because they don’t believe they deserve any better. However, if one says truthful, biblical statements about themselves in their head, they are more likely to confront, stand up against toxic people, and form healthier relationships.

When one confesses their sins to God, makes a list of any lies and excuses they’ve believed, and evaluates their self-talk, they will begin to change their thoughts.

Change your thoughts, and you’ll change your world.

By Steve Arterburn

More about Steve

But self-control doesn’t come naturally for most people. It can be difficult not to give in to triggers and temptations. Old habits die hard; healthy habits take work. It’s easy to get through the end of a hard day and feel entitled to spend the evenings escaping by turning to overeating, watching porn, or on the couch binge-watching television or playing video games.

Where does self-control come from? The Bible teaches that self-control comes from two things.

First, it’s a fruit of the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT) says, “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”

Second, it’s the result of spiritual growth. Peter, who learned some difficult lessons about self-control himself, wrote this:

In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.—2 Peter 1:5-7

How does someone develop self-control? Because self-control takes discipline, it is a muscle that needs exercise to grow. One gains strength when one walks closely to God and allows the Holy Spirit to flow through them. God will develop His character in them as they persevere, including self-control. Developing stronger self-control takes commitment and practice; it won’t just happen overnight.

So, when triggers or cravings surface throughout the day, a routine can help overcome these. Healthy habits can also help to prevent too much spare time in an individual’s day, giving an individual less time to think about or abuse substances.

Make it a habit to:

• Attend a Life Recovery Group weekly.
• Check in with a sponsor/accountability partner.
• Connect with a Coach in the New Life Coaching Network.
• Read The Life Recovery Bible daily.

Just as muscle strength increases with exercise, self-control grows when it’s exercised regularly.

By Steve Arterburn

1. You’ll have a plan to heal.
Life Recovery Groups offer a path to not only recover from addictions, heartaches, and unhealthy patterns, but to live a new life as well. The 12 Steps of Life Recovery are taught in each group; everyone who attends will have the opportunity to go through these 12 Steps. This is a good place to learn biblical and practical steps to heal for those who are hurting but don’t know where to begin.

2. You’ll improve your mental health.
Even though the idea of attending a Life Recovery Group and connecting with others may seem intimidating, the benefits to mental health are worth it. The simple act of sharing can be extremely cathartic. Some of the mental health benefits may include feeling less isolated, developing better ways to cope, and talking openly about your feelings.

3. You’ll begin to have healthier relationships.
As a result of addiction, a person’s closest relationships —with friends, family, and others—deteriorate. The focus of a Life Recovery Group is on building healthy relationships since unhealthy relationships lead to relapse. The key to recovery is to avoid bad influences, make amends, and find accountability.

4. You’ll rediscover hope.
What a powerful experience it is to see someone in recovery further than you are, making strides toward a healthier and happier future! Life Recovery Group leaders, sponsors, and supportive peers can serve as excellent role models. Having the opportunity to hear testimonies will make recovery more possible-which in turn, will lead to a more optimistic future.

5. You’ll learn how to face problems.
It is a radical commitment to escape problems that drive addiction. Recovery involves facing one’s problems, learning how to cope with and overcome them. A Life Recovery Group is a good place to learn effective ways to cope with and handle difficult situations.

6. You’ll grow from shared experiences.
One of the best benefits of attending a Life Recovery Group is the opportunity to share recovery experiences. What is the best person to go through recovery with? The person in recovery or who has already undergone the process. As group members work toward their goals, checking in with them in between weekly meetings and praying for them can help them out.

7. You’ll gain new tools to help prevent you from going back to old patterns.
Recovery is not just about stopping the old life but also about starting a new one. Life Recovery Groups are excellent for transforming negative thinking, unhealthy coping mechanisms, toxic relationships, and coping with triggers. Just by going to a group, relationships will be forged that would not otherwise be made. When temptations and triggers come (and they will), having a couple of people to call from your Life Recovery Group is one of the most effective ways to overcome them.

8. You’ll be part of a loving community.
Life Recovery Groups bring people together. No matter how much emotional pain someone is going through, the most effective medicine is often the voice of the people who’ve walked in their shoes. The emotional and relational support is non-judgmental and accepting. So, it’s no wonder that the atmosphere of a Life Recovery Group is one of safety and encouragement. This makes it the perfect place to feel heard, accepted, and loved.

For help finding a Life Recovery Group in your area or online, click here or call us at 800-NEW-LIFE.

by Kimberlee Bousman 

What draws someone into a love-hate relationship? During their early years, they probably had chaotic relationships. As a result, they tend to find solace in the instability of love-hate relationships since they are familiar with it and may use conflict as an expression of love. The closeness after the resolution following a rupture in the relationship can make them feel more intimate.

There isn’t an easy way to navigate the ups and downs of a love-hate relationship. Some changes are necessary. The problem, however, is that too many people go on—day after day—merely coping with the situation. Either they’re unaware they can do more than cope or are unwilling to do it. What if it’s an abusive relationship that is unsafe? In that case, separating or breaking off the relationship altogether is best.

However, doing nothing is not an option. When nothing changes, nothing changes. In a love-hate relationship, one may even lose faith in the power of God to change the situation and give up on the power of prayer to facilitate change. A person stuck in a love-hate relationship must not give up. They must trust God to change the situation by asking Him to. In addition to prayer, they must remember another crucial step to take: They must act. Romans 12:18 says, “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”

Here are some steps to take to facilitate change in a love-hate relationship:

• Make safety a priority.
• Identify unhealthy patterns.
• Set boundaries.
• See a counselor.
• Join a Life Recovery Group.
• Confront in love.
• Deal with unresolved emotions.

Remember, it is essential to prioritize one’s well-being and make the best decision for oneself. While a love-hate relationship can be intense, it is not worth sacrificing one’s mental and emotional health.

– Steve Arterburn

More about Steve

It’s difficult to heal from the wounds of one or both parents. Even worse, if one was abused during their childhood, they may have been taught that failing to honor their abusive parents is a sin. This raises some disturbing questions: How can one honor someone whose actions are anything but honorable? Does this mean that they must stay under their control and yield to their manipulations to please God? The answer, though, to these questions is in the Bible itself. The Bible says, “Honor your father and mother, as the LORD your God commanded you. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” (Deuteronomy 5:16, NLT).

The word honor comes from a root word meaning heavy; it implies placing a weighty value on the relationship. Adult children should place a high value on their parents’ role in their lives.

Honoring parents does not mean, however, that it’s okay if parents destroy their children’s lives just because they brought them into the world. The Bible does not ask anyone to condone evil. Instead, the Bible clearly stands against parents abusing their children.

For example, Ahaz was a wicked king of Judah who did not deserve any respect or obedience from his children. The Ammonites and Canaanites influenced him to practice the worship of Molech. Images of Molech were made of bronze, and their outstretched arms were heated red-hot. Living children were placed into the idol’s hands and died there or were rolled into a fire pit below. Ahaz “even sacrificing his own son in the fire” to Molech (2 Kings 16:3).

There is no need to elaborate why King Ahaz sacrificing his son is the most heinous act imaginable that a parent could do to their child. To even call him a father is to denigrate the term.

But for the person in recovery who is evaluating their lives, they can honor their parents by realizing the heavy impact they have had on them. They don’t have to let their parents manipulate and abuse them to please God.

They can still forgive their parents and learn from their mistakes, even though they may need to set boundaries in the relationship, or distance themselves from their parents if it is unsafe to interact with them. Seeing a counselor in the New Life Counselor Network will help.

The most effective way an adult can honor their parents—even if they don’t deserve their respect—is to live their life in such a way that honors God and shows that they have grown from what they’ve gone through.

By Steve Arterburn

It was so easy to talk about what fathers should or shouldn’t be. I was new to the game, the proud stepfather of a lovably energetic five-year-old boy. Huge mistakes, mostly mine, hadn’t yet been made. His adolescence was years off, so our days were playful, and I was his hero. No wonder it was so easy for me to look critically at older fathers. I was determined never to become one.

Since then, the boy I loved has become the man who’s forgiven me. We jumped into the power struggles every relationship is doomed to, and I careened from rigid strictness to cold fury to indifference, depending on the battle. We weathered some tough years, re-bonded, and today I couldn’t be prouder of him, or of us, when I see the outcome.

But happy ending or not, I know there are things I said and did to him that were damaging. They’ll affect him and the way he sees life. I know, too, that what I didn’t say or do, and should have said or done, can’t be compensated for. In short, I understand more than ever how difficulties between fathers and sons come about.

And more than ever, while I stress the need to examine our wounds and deal with whatever anger we may have towards Dad, I also see and stress the need for a forgiving heart.

There’s a time for anger, and I’ll wager you’ve been reluctant to recognize yours. I remember the first time I admitted to myself how enraged I was with my own father, and how childish I felt. But it was a crucial beginning. Dad is that enormous figure assigned to us who will, for better or worse, affect us more profoundly than anyone else. So, your relationship with him may well play into what you’re dealing with now, including anger. “Be angry, and sin not,” Paul advised. (Ephesians 4:26, NKJV) It’s allowed.

Then, in time, let it go. Because as surely as you need to express and resolve your anger, there’ll be someone else, someday, who’ll need to do the same towards you.

By Joe Dallas

Graduation is one of life’s biggest milestones. However, for many graduates, leaving home and academic life and becoming a self-sufficient adult with healthy relationships is a difficult transition. For anyone who is graduating from high school, college, or graduate school and wants to live their best life, here are some quotes. Let’s face it, everyone could benefit from this advice.

1. “You are as sick as your secrets.” – Steve Arterburn

Bring secrets into the light to find freedom from the prison of shame and gain intimacy with God and others. Join a Life Recovery Group for help. James 5:16 (NLT) says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

2. “The thoughts we think become the actions we take.” – Becky Brown

If a graduate’s thoughts are always negative, it will be hard for them to have a positive life. A computer program can be changed—lies and false beliefs can be replaced with the truth.

3. “If everyone else is to blame, I won’t find a solution; if I accept that I am part of the problem, I’m more likely to find a solution.” – Chris Williams

A mature adult doesn’t blame others but takes responsibility. If a drunk driver hits a pedestrian, it’s not their fault, but they must go to the hospital. Healing is a choice everyone must.

4. “God meets you where you’re at – He meets you in the depths. Take it one step at a time, and you’ll get through it.” – Dr. Jill Hubbard

Without a doubt, there will be difficult times in life that are so dark that there seems to be no hope at all. During these times, remember to turn to God. He is there. And He has promised “I will never abandon you” (Hebrews 13:5).

5. “Busyness and hurry are the enemies of a meaningful life.” – Dr. Jim Burns

Culture often equates being busy with worth—if someone is busy, they must be successful. Saying no to anything that interferes with the important things in life.

6. “If you have to give yourself up for another person to love you, do you really want to be with them?” – Dr. Jacqui Mack-Harris

People often give too much in a new relationship. A healthy relationship is a balanced one; each person should have interests, hobbies, and friends outside of the relationship. Choose emotionally, spiritually, and relationally grounded people.

7. “Pain accumulates over time, so decide if it’s how you want your life to be or if you want it to be different.” – Dr. Alice Benton

Any trauma from the past must be dealt with or it will interfere with the present. Trauma can result from adverse life events in childhood or adulthood. See a New Life Counselor to heal from the pain.

8. “Without boundaries, you’ll grow resentful, angry, and teach people it’s okay to treat you badly.” – Marc Cameron

Healthy boundaries define what is appropriate behavior in a relationship – behavior that keeps both parties safe. One must be clear and straightforward about what they will and will not allow. And don’t forget to follow through with any consequences.

9. “While we can’t change what happened, we can get our lives back.” – Dr. Sheri Keffer

A graduate must not let their past or pain define them; instead, they can turn to God, form healthy relationships, and take responsibility for their healing. Then they are on their way to living their best life. Want to live a new life? Call 800-NEW-LIFE. We can connect you with a counselor, coach, and Life Recovery Group. Give us a call today.

by Kimberlee Bousman

More about Kimberlee

In Step One, one must realize they cannot meet God’s standards. Many addicts who are starting recovery think they can do everything in their own strength, but trying to do it all without any help is not the solution. Why? Because no one can do it all. Everyone falls short—no one is perfect. So, God gave the law as a measuring stick to reveal that no one can meet God’s holy and perfect standards.

The apostle Paul wrote:

“Why, then, was the law given? It was given alongside the promise [of salvation through faith] to show people their sins. . .If the law could give us new life, we could be made right with God by obeying it. But the Scriptures declare that we are all prisoners of sin, so we receive God’s promise of freedom only by believing in Jesus Christ. . .The law was our guardian until Christ came; it protected us until we could be made right with God through faith.”—Gal. 3:19, 21-22, 24, NLT

In the Bible, Hagar is a picture of powerlessness. Even though it was not her fault, she had no rights. As a servant, she was under the control and power of Sarai and Abram, her masters. But when she ran away into the wilderness, she recognized that she could not do it on her own. It wasn’t until after she recognized her powerlessness over her situation that God stepped in and helped her.

Like Hagar, the law of God is an eternal reminder of one’s true powerlessness—one’s ongoing need for a Savior and the power of God. A person’s failures reveal their powerlessness and point them back to the only one able to help them recover: God.

Until an addict recognizes their hopeless situation without outside help, God waits and does not help them. But when they admit their need and cry out to God, He helps them.
God sets addicts free from their failures and directs them toward recovery.

By Steve Arterburn and Dr. Dave Stoop
Adapted from The Life Recovery Devotional by Stephen Arterburn and Dr. Dave Stoop

Everyone has a story to tell. Every person has gone through stages in their faith and struggled with relationships and life. Even leaders have struggles. There might be a leader who has recovered from addiction. They may have struggled with their emotions and achieved freedom with the help of God and others. After navigating difficult relationships, perhaps a leader has grown in confidence rather than become codependent. A leader—no matter their past—can offer inspiration and assistance to others who are struggling.

But a person who wants to help others through the Life Recovery process needs to know their story and be prepared to share it. The people coming to a Life Recovery Group do not want to feel like they are the only ones who struggle. And they may have lost all hope. There is power in connecting with another struggler and seeing the hope that they have.

1 Peter 3:15 says, “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.”

Start by writing a testimony. Even though everyone has a unique story, and there’s technically no wrong way to tell it, it’s essential to write it out.

Here’s a suggested outline to help:

• Your early years
• The struggles you have experienced in your life
• When you came to know Christ as your Savior
• How Jesus has helped you with your life struggles

After a leader writes their testimony, they should practice reading it to someone. They may also want to ask them for suggestions on improving it. Ask for help with any unclear areas and to make sure that it connects with the listener. Prepare the final draft by creating an outline on a 3 x 5 card. And limit the story to five to ten minutes.

Everybody likes hearing an inspiring story — especially about hope and transformation. And if a Life Recovery Group leader shares their recovery story, it will give hope to those who hear it. This will let them know they aren’t the only ones struggling.

For more help in starting a Life Recovery Group, click here.

By Kimberlee Bousman

The first myth is that faith creates a problem-free life.

This has produced more agnostics and atheists than any other counterfeit faith because it’s founded on the assumption that believing in Christ causes problems to vanish. And when this doesn’t prove true, they reject Christianity. And those who accept Christianity deny hardships exist or conclude that their adversities persist because they do not believe hard enough.

Faith provides perspective, perseverance, and purpose through tough times but doesn’t invariably protect anyone from life’s complex realities. Those who’ve walked with Christ through the centuries were constantly beset by pain, poverty, tragedy, illness, beatings, and other hardships. But those adversities built their faith. Their trials drew them closer to God because their faith was healthy and authentic before the difficulties started.

The second common myth is

that faith provides “instant peace,” expressed in statements like: “If I’m truly faithful, I won’t experience grief, anger, discouragement, or confusion in the face of tragedy or loss. Instead, I’ll keep my chin up, eyes dry, and lips smiling.” This myth leads to unresolved emotions and a complete divorce from reality. People losing children, spouses, fortunes, and dreams speak of “wonderful peace” moments after the tragedy. That’s the result of shock, not peace!

Those who profess instant peace will suffer more pain in the future because they refuse to acknowledge their losses. But those with healthy faith express their emotions and are challenged to be stronger, to trust more, and to find real peace. Some might think, “But doesn’t Scripture tell us to be thankful for everything?” Yes! But that doesn’t deny human emotions by demanding instantaneous gratitude. Healthy faith will produce the peace that transcends your understanding. It won’t be instant, but it will be genuine.

The third myth I’d like to discuss I call “Pollyannaism.”

In this warped reality, believers tell themselves and others, “Everything that happens is good.” But should we be grateful for crisis and tragedy? No. That is people manufacturing responses. Those who embrace this myth must habitually deny how they feel and thus forego the possibility of dealing with pain and grief.

Ultimately, this type of toxic thinking creates doubt about whether God is good. Scripture nowhere insists that we call every event that occurs good. What it does promise, however, is that God will take even the horrific events of life and work them together for good. And that’s quite a different thing. This myth produces quick and superficial relief but blocks reality and spiritual maturity.

Excerpted from the book More Jesus, Less Religion by Stephen Arterburn

More about Steve

1. Spend time with God.
It’s easy for a caregiver to try to do everything in their own strength, but this will deplete them. This is why caregivers need to spend time with God daily in prayer, reading the Bible, and meditating on His Word.

2. Get ready each morning.
Having a morning routine can be difficult for caregivers because they’re often so busy helping others that they neglect themselves. Start by waking up 30 minutes earlier. Use this time to grab a cup of coffee or tea, take a shower, and swap pajamas for a nice outfit.

3. Talk about how you feel each day.
Many caregivers neglect their own emotional needs. If this sounds familiar, share your feelings daily. It also helps to meet weekly with a small group, like a New Life Recovery Group. Expressing emotions is necessary for becoming emotionally healthy.

4. Stop striving for perfection.
Social media makes caregivers think that caring for others means being perfect, but nothing could be further from the truth. No one is perfect—everyone makes mistakes. So, caregivers must let go of unrealistic expectations for themselves and realize they are doing the best job they can do.

5. Delegate and ask for help.
Caregivers do so much for others that it can be hard to delegate tasks or ask for help when needed. Set self-sufficiency aside and delegate tasks. Ask for help from friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, and even look for volunteers in the community.

6. Create healthy habits and stick to them.
While some self-care is often viewed as a spa day, it’s about building a life one doesn’t need to escape from. Practice habits that lead to a healthy life such as eating healthy foods, exercising, and resting. If this is hard, get an accountability partner.

7. Don’t dismiss your dreams and goals.
It’s common for a caregiver to inspire those they are caring for to dream big and aspire to high goals. But when it comes to their dreams, they often let them go. Caregivers can write their dreams and goals down, then take steps to work toward them. Find a New Life Coach to help.

8. Learn to say no sometimes.
Between juggling work, family, and relationships, it can be challenging for caregivers to set and reinforce boundaries. A good way caregivers can do this is by telling others what they need. Here are some examples:

• • “I need to spend time with my family, so I won’t be able to work late.”
  • “I am going away with my husband for the weekend, so I can’t volunteer at church.”
  • “I need time to rest, so I am taking a day off but will have someone else come to help.”

9. Schedule “me” time every day.
If a caregiver wants to practice self-care, one strategy is to schedule “me” time. It’s necessary to be intentional and schedule “me” time. Try blocking off 30 minutes each day of uninterrupted time doing something for yourself.

10. Don’t feel guilty for spending money on yourself.
There’s nothing wrong with a caregiver getting a new haircut or buying a new outfit—these are necessities, not luxuries. When a caregiver takes care of their needs, they are better able to take care of others’ needs. If you’re a caregiver experiencing burnout, please know we are here for you! Call us at 800-639-5433. We can pray with you and connect you with a counselor.

By Kimberlee Bousman

Be sure to have eye ball to eye ball communication on a daily basis. It is a good way to re-boot every day and discuss what your day has been like, and whatever is on your heart. Make it part of your routine to set aside time to really talk. It doesn’t have to be at the same time or same place every day, but make it a priority. Honest and meaningful communication is key to a good relationship.

ACCEPT EACH OTHER’S FLAWS, QUIRKS, AND IMPERFECTIONS.

Don’t expect your spouse to change. If something your spouse does annoys you, and it’s something that is significant, for instance something that has to do with parenting or finances, have an honest discussion with them about it and let them know why it is upsetting you. But let the minor things go and don’t expect them to change. You need to accept their flaws and be the one to adjust. Remember that those imperfections are part of what makes them who they are.

ACCOMMODATE AND ADAPT.

This one goes along with number two. None of us are perfect so there are bound to be things we wish our spouse did better or didn’t do at all. Rather than nit picking at each other, work together to come up with solutions. For instance, if one of you is always late, (like my wife) just know that and build in extra time to get anywhere. Or if one of you has no sense of direction (like me), let the other one drive, or use GPS.

MUTUAL VULNERABILITY.

It builds connection between people when we are mutually vulnerable. So do whatever you can to be vulnerable together. For instance, take a painting class or dancing lessons, learn a new game or sport, try something where neither of you is in their comfort zone and are mutually vulnerable. You’ll be surprised how participating in a new activity or adventure will bring the two of you together.

LET THE HUSBAND LEAD.

Just like in dancing, a man needs to lead the family. God calls men to step up to be the spiritual leader of the family. This doesn’t mean that the wife’s viewpoint or desires are ignored. The husband should always respect his wife’s opinion and seek to honor her ideas and perspective.

SHARED ACTIVITIES.

Connection can be enhanced by sharing an enjoyable experience together, such as hiking, horseback riding, or visiting a museum or garden. Sharing activities strengthens bonds and creates wonderful memories. Make it a priority and be intentional about planning activities that you can both enjoy together. Get them on the calendar in advance so that other obligations and demands don’t overtake them.

PROXIMITY.

It may seem obvious, but it is important to spend time together even if it is just while you each are reading, or watching a movie. If your spouse is stuck in the kitchen preparing a meal, go into the kitchen to keep them company. Or better yet, offer to do some chopping or cleaning up. If one of you is traveling away from home be sure to use Facetime or Skype, and text each other throughout the day to let the other know that you are thinking of them.

AVOID ROUGH C’S.

There are just things that break connection no matter our good intentions. Avoid trying to control the other, changing the other, “curing” the other, comparing the other, and criticizing the other. When you think about it, no good is going to come out of these pursuits. Start by trying to go 24 hours without criticizing the other. If that proves to be a challenge for you, there’s a good chance you need to work on that.

MARRIAGE WORKSHOP.

Attend New Life’s Intimacy in Marriage workshop. Even if you have a healthy marriage and things are going well, there is always room for better connection. The New Life marriage workshop can help you improve your communication and bring your relationship to a whole new level.

Want to start reading The Life Recovery Bible? If so, here are some helpful tips.

1. Start a reading plan.
There are many ways in which one can read through The Life Recovery Bible. Some read through the Bible by starting in Genesis until they go through Revelation. But others use one of the following reading plans laid out in the indexes at the back of the Bible:

• The Twelve-Step Devotional Reading Plan
• The Recovery Principle Devotional Reading Plan
• The Serenity Prayer Devotional Reading Plan

2. Go through the Twelve Steps of Life Recovery.
One of the reasons why The Life Recovery Bible was created was to integrate the Twelve Steps with Scripture. So if someone is in recovery and wants to work through the Twelve Steps, it’s an excellent tool for them to use. It lists the steps, thoroughly explains each step, gives Scripture to go with it, and has the Twelve Steps integrated throughout.

3. Incorporate it in a Life Recovery Group meeting.
One of the best ways to use The Life Recovery Bible is in a Life Recovery Group. To start a Life Recovery Group online or in person, click here. In The Life Recovery Bible, there are some helpful articles for Life Recovery Group leaders, such as:

• A Word About Addictions
• An Early History of Life Recovery
• Step-by-Step Recovery Meeting Guide
• Thriving in a Secular Recovery Group
• Life Giving Recovery Groups in the Church

4. Learn from the lives of men and women in the Bible who faced serious issues.
The Life Recovery Bible includes sixty individuals and relationships that are profiled so essential truths can be drawn from their lives. Each recovery profile includes a Bible character’s strengths, weaknesses, lessons they learned, and a key verse.

5. Journal while going through The Life Recovery Bible.
It would be helpful to write down in a journal any prayer requests, answers to prayer, Bible verses, or things that come to mind while reading the Bible. Don’t have a journal? Use The Life Recovery Journal. This is a great journal to use while reading The Life Recovery Bible because it provides 52 guided entries based on The Life Recovery Bible and The Twelve Steps of Life Recovery.

6. Memorize Scripture.
While going through the Twelve Steps and reading through The Life Recovery Bible, memorizing each verse listed in the Twelve Steps of Life Recovery may also be helpful. Then after the verse is memorized, practice sharing the verse aloud to a Life Recovery Group.

7. Use it a Bible study.
Not everyone is willing or able to go to church. So, in many ways, this Bible is one of the best Bibles for someone who wants to study God’s Word but doesn’t know where to start. Prisons, nursing homes, homeless shelters, substance abuse treatment centers, hospitals, and tens of thousands of other places worldwide have used it in their Bible studies. The Life Recovery Workbook complements The Life Recovery Bible because it has guided, open-ended questions for each of the Twelve Steps; it can also be used as a Bible study.

8. Share the message of recovery with others.
Let friends, family, and fellow strugglers know how The Life Recovery Bible has transformed your life. Get the message out as Life Recovery Step 12 states: “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

To order The Life Recovery Bible, call 800-639-5433 or click here.

To recover from addiction or an unhealthy habit, one must turn their will and life over to God. This means they must also turn their shortcomings, losses, failures, fears, and needs over to Him. Life Recovery Step Three says, “We made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God.”

Truth is, however, rarely does someone surrender their will and life over to God when their life is problem free. Seldom do they appreciate His love when surrounded by friends and family. Rarely do they understand His grace and forgiveness when they’re not suffering the consequences of their sin. But a person whose life has overpowered by addiction and realizes that the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change is ready to turn to God. What initially working for them in the beginning ended up nearly destroying them in the end.

Many people who get started in the renewal process get stuck because they are unwilling to assess themselves; for people who believe in nothing beyond themselves, the idea of conducting a searching moral inventory is frightening. However, it is what must happen if one wants to recover completely.

Taking a moral inventory begins in Life Recovery Step Four, which says, “We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

A moral inventory, though, should not stop with only taking one inventory—recover is a daily, ongoing process. Therefore, a moral inventory should be done as often as necessary. After all, Life Recovery Step Ten says, “We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.”

Seeing the truth and accepting reality every day will cause discomfort, not nervousness or a surge of ambition. But attending a Life Recovery Group will make it easier. But spiritual renewal results when one’s pain leads them to the Cross and ultimately to the crucifixion of self, as the apostle Paul described when writing to the church in Galatia: “I have been crucified with Christ. I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:19-20, NIV).

Daily death to self begins a life filled with the power of the living Christ.

by Steve Arterburn

Adapted from Seven Keys to Spiritual Renewal by Steve Arterburn.

Two criminals were hung next to Jesus on the cross, but there is a stark contrast in how they each responded to Jesus. One of them scoffed at Jesus by saying, “So you’re the Messiah, are you? Prove it by saving yourself—and us, too, while you’re at it!” (Luke 23:39, NLT). And the other thief, at some point, also made fun of Jesus (See Matthew 27:44).

While the other thief mocked Christ and could have continued, remarkably, he humbled himself and made the right choice by saying, “Jesus, remember me when you enter your kingdom” (v. 42).

What was Jesus’ response to the humbled thief? He replied, “I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise” (v. 43). In the face of death, the thief on the cross trusted God for his future instead of giving up hope. Despite the fear of having no future, the thief trusted God anyway. Everyone is a sinner in need of a Savior. No matter the number of their sins and whether they—or others—think their sins are minor or extreme, it is never too late to repent and accept the free gift of salvation.

No matter what dire straits one may find themselves in today or what they’ve done in the past, one can turn from their sins and trust in God. It’s not too late for them to give God their life today and be assured that God will secure their tomorrow. For help finding a licensed Christian to talk to about how to grow spiritually, click here.

Just as eternal life in paradise awaited the thief on the cross, the eternal life that waits for anyone who trusts in Christ far outweighs the sufferings of this present life. He can also transform anyone’s life, making their present life brighter as they look toward the Son!

God promises a bright, new future for those who willingly choose to turn to Him. So, when life seems dark and hopeless, remember only one thief on the cross made the right choice.

by Steve Arterburn

More about Steve

Being bullied can happen anywhere and anytime—whether in the classroom, playground, online, or neighborhood. Three types of bullying to be aware of are verbal bullying, cyberbullying, and physical bullying. Keep in mind, however, that a bully is only as powerful as they are allowed to be. In the story of David and Goliath, David is a classic example of the weak overcoming the strong. For parents whose children are being bullied, there are seven ways they can empower their child.

1. Know the signs and symptoms.

Many kids will never tell their parents they are being bullied, so parents need to know what to look for. Here are some signs to watch for:

• Unexplained injuries
• Dropping grades
• Not wanting to go to school
• Sudden loss of friends
• Changes in mood
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Self-harm

2. Be a safe person.

A child who is bullied feels their power, voice, and self-worth have been taken away. Therefore, a parent needs to be a safe person they can turn to. “How you defend your child is to listen to them, hear their heart, and open up your heart to be a powerful container for their pain.”—Dr. Sheri Keffer.

3. Show empathy.

One of the best ways for a parent to help their child is for them to empathize with what they are feeling and experiencing. Saying things like: “This is not your fault,” “You can tell me anything,” and “I am always here for you” can go a long way to helping a child feel heard.

4. Talk to the school.

If bullying occurs at school, talk to the principal, teacher(s), and school administrators. Keep a record of every incident. If the bullying continues, take it to the next level, such as the school board or superintendent. Steve Arterburn says, “Empower your child, but let them know you’ve talked to the principal and expect them to make the school a better place.”

5. Don’t retaliate.

As tempting as it may be to retaliate against a bully, a parent should never encourage a child to retaliate—nor should a parent try to get even with a bully or their family themselves. No matter how much a child has been bullied, it’s never an excuse to seek revenge. One thing a parent might consider, however, is having their child attend a self-defense class so that they can learn to protect themselves if they are physically attacked.

6. Help your child gain confidence.

Equipping a child with self-esteem is a core component of preventing bullying. Kids who lack confidence can appear weak and easy to target, making them more likely to become victims of bullying. Here are some strategies to help a child or teen gain confidence:

• Walk with good posture
• Make eye contact
• Smile at others
• Talk in a calm, but firm, voice to the bully
• Meditate on Bible verses that affirm their worth

7. Have your child see a counselor.

Find a counselor in the New Life Counseling Network who works with children and can equip them with the tools they need to overcome. Chris Williams states, “It starts with safety. Look into having your child see a therapist—they need a safe place to offload everything overwhelming them.”

If your child or teen is being bullied, please know we are here for you and your child. Call us at 800-NEW-LIFE. We can connect you to a counselor who can help you and your child.

by Kimberlee Bousman

More about Kimberlee

Sponsors play a very important role in recovery. To understand and utilize a sponsor, examine the history of sponsorship and consider what to look for in a sponsor.

History of Sponsorship
The idea of being accountable to others is nothing new. The Bible is clear that accountability is a prerequisite for healing. James 5:16a (NLT) says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

Since the recovery movement began, a critical healing component has been finding a sponsor. Alcoholics Anonymous started when the founders, Bill W., a stockbroker, and Dr. Bob S, a surgeon, met in 1935 and formed support groups and the Twelve Steps based on biblical principles.

Bill W. struggled with alcohol and wanted to find someone else in a similar situation. When he met Dr. Bob S., they were two fellow strugglers who were able to help each other. At the time, there was no such thing as 12-step programs or sponsors. The only option for substance abuse treatment was going to a mental hospital.

Later, hospitals required patients struggling with alcohol to find a “sponsor” from a local A.A. program before being discharged. The sponsor would then take the person struggling with alcohol to their first meeting and be available to help them whenever needed. That is where the term “sponsor” in recovery originated from.

What to Look for in a Sponsor
There are three things to keep in mind when looking for a sponsor.

First, look for a sponsor in a Life Recovery Group. Choose a sponsor who shares a similar faith, has completed the 12 Steps, and has finished one or more years of continuous sobriety (Some experts recommend five years). Working with someone experienced in staying sober throughout various challenges has much to bring to the table.

Second, look for a trustworthy sponsor. A sponsor is there as an impartial party; they should never be in it for any other reason than to help an addict achieve sobriety. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, it is best to select a sponsor of the same gender.

Third, look for a sponsor who makes time to talk. Recovery doesn’t have a timetable. There will be times when a sponsor is needed to talk to or text in the wee hours of the night. So, pick a sponsor who is not too busy but can meet once a week or when a need arises. However, remember that a sponsor is not the same as a counselor, pastor, or friend. Still, it’s essential to choose someone who is patient and can listen when they need to.

Finding the right sponsor isn’t easy—it might even take a couple of tries to get the right person—but healing is worth it. Don’t hesitate to call 800-639-5433 to find a New Life Counselor or Coach who can help.

by Kimberlee Bousman

Why do some people numb their emotions rather than feel them? In their home growing up, children were probably seen rather than heard. Their parents did not help them process their feelings. Anger was met with rage, fear went unacknowledged, and there was plenty of shame to go around. So, they numbed their difficult emotions by turning to something like eating, shopping, watching pornography, or other things.

Does this sound familiar? Instead of numbing feelings, take out a journal and try the Comfort Circle exercise.

1. Keep a list of feeling words handy (This is sometimes known as Soul Words or a Feelings List).
   Milan and Kay Yerkovich’s book, How We Love, has a list of Soul Words that can be used and explains more about how to use the Comfort Circle in marriage or another close relationship.
2. Take out the Soul Words or Feelings List and pick out the top three feelings.
   For example, when feeling anxious, look at the list and pick a word that describes anxiety. For example, write down, “I feel scared, tense, and frightened.”
3. Scan the body and describe how it feels.
   Is there any pressure, tension, or pain? Notice how the heart feels. Is it slow or pounding? Take a moment to write down how it feels in the body.
4. Discover any false beliefs, lies, or assumptions because of the feelings.
   For example, write down, “When I feel this way, I believe ____________ about myself, God, or others…”
5. Find out the root of when the feelings first occurred.
   Ask, “When did I first feel like this? How old was I?” Then, record the answers in a journal.
6. Connect your past to the present.
   On a scale of 1 to 10, how much are your current feelings about the past versus the present? Does this same feeling keep coming up? Remember, whatever isn’t healed from the past will keep coming up in the present.
7. Bring feelings and needs into current relationships.
   Write a request or a statement of how to ask for help. Make sure to use “I” statements rather than “you.” For example, write “I feel ____________. I need ____________. Then share this with a friend, family member, spouse, or someone else.

It’s never easy to work through emotions—especially for someone who has been numbing their emotions for a long time—but God designed humans to feel their feelings. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4b (NLT) says, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven…A time to cry and a time to laugh.”

For more help on the Comfort Circle, attend New Life’s Intimacy in Marriage Workshop. To learn more, call 800-639-5433.

by Kimberlee Bousman

Knowing some essential steps to take will help ease the fear and instill courage. Instead of blaming the other person, focus on feelings when confronting them. Making the other person feel bad will backfire. People who feel backed into a corner will only try to protect themselves from all the guilt, shame, and condemnation thrown at them. To confront courageously, follow these steps.

Concentrate on feelings, not thoughts.

A person who will confront someone must be clear on how the other person’s behavior makes them feel—not what they think about them. This is an arduous task because blurting out a thought comes easy. For example, don’t say, “When you negate my words, you are being cruel.” Instead, say, “When you negate my words, I feel hurt and disconnected from you.”

Identify feelings.

For most people to know how they are feeling doesn’t come naturally, and it may take a little work. Know the difference, for example, between being hurt, sad, angry, frustrated, afraid, and anxious. One mistake many people make is identifying angry feelings as hurt feelings. Sometimes they do this to avoid their aggressive parts. Other times they do this because they identify as a victim, fearing that their anger may provoke others to hurt them. Talk to a New Life Counselor or Coach to understand the difference between hurt and anger.

Stick to experience.

In the same vein, stick to the experience. It is effortless to slip into focusing on the other person, but they will take it as an attack on them. Practice and roleplay with a close friend or mentor to avoid this. For example, don’t say, “When you give me the silent treatment, you are rejecting me.” Say, “When you give me the silent treatment, I feel alone and unloved.”

Avoid saying, “you make me feel…”

While it is true that one person can influence another emotionally, no one is responsible for another person’s feelings. Avoid statements such as, “you made me frustrated,” because this kind of blaming statement will lead to the other person reacting. They will become defensive and will probably respond by saying something like, “I made you frustrated! How can I do that? Those are your feelings. I can’t control what you feel.” So don’t say, “You make me angry when you’re late.” A better way is to say, “When you’re late, I feel angry.”

Own your part of the feelings.

Each person’s emotions belong to themselves. Sometimes, one must admit they’re being overly sensitive so that all the responsibility does not fall on the other person’s shoulders. Remember, confronting someone is not about ascribing fault to them as much as it is to open up an authentic conversation with the other person. Perhaps say, “I know sometimes I get hurt too easily, and that’s not you; it’s on me. But last night, when you made fun of my dress at the party, I felt attacked and embarrassed.”

Be specific, specific, specific!

Identify the behavior or attitude precisely so that the other person understands what they did wrong or needs to change. Give them a description of what they said, did, or what tone of voice they used so that they have a clear picture of the situation. For example, tell them, “When you teased me about my weight at the dinner table last night, I felt hurt.” Saying “When you do…I feel…” is not only a way of confronting, but it is also a way of reaching out to the other person. Letting them see the harmful effects of their behavior, as much as it is safe, will go a long way to improve the situation and relationship.

Although confrontation seems intimidating, it doesn’t have to be. Call us at 800-639-5433 to get connected to a counselor or coach who can help you gain the courage and tools you need to confront.

by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend

More about John & Henry

Listen to them.

Listening is the number one technique to use when dealing with difficult people. Everyone longs to feel heard and understood. So, when an argument or conflict arises, progress can only occur once each person feels acknowledged. While listening to a difficult person, focus on what they’re saying instead of what to say next.

Don’t tell them they are difficult.

A person may be hard to deal with at times, but the worst thing to ever say to them is that they are difficult. It may even seem like they are mentally or emotionally unstable; don’t tell them that. Never put a label on them because they won’t listen anyway—even worse, they will get upset again because of the label used.

Don’t escalate the conflict.

When encountering a difficult person, there is a tendency to fight back and try to prove to them how they are wrong. But it doesn’t work, and it will escalate the conflict. To make matters worse, the problematic person may even bring others into the fight in their attempt to defend their position.

Stay calm.

Don’t get caught up in reacting; the conflict will only worsen. Pause and take a deep breath before responding. Even if the intense mood is just the other person being difficult, tell them, “We need to calm down.” Saying “we” may help them pause and calm down.

Assess your safety.

Don’t deal with them alone if the other person has made threats or is unsafe. Meet with them in a public place or with another safe person. Don’t hesitate to contact the local authorities immediately if they have been violent; if necessary, seek legal help.

Stick to the issues and avoid getting too emotional.

Don’t let emotions try to control the discussion; it will only make things worse. Instead, a good technique is to focus on the problems and behaviors that need to change to come to a solution.

Set up guidelines.

Before the discussion begins or escalates into an argument or fight, set rules for a civil and respectful discussion. For instance, let them know there should be no yelling, name-calling, bringing up the past, throwing things, or interrupting. If they break a rule, pause the conversation, and ask, “Do you remember the guidelines we set up?”

Set boundaries.

Be clear about expectations and boundaries. If a boundary is violated, be firm and tell the person what needs to happen to continue the discussion. For example, say, “I feel uncomfortable when being yelled at, so I am going to leave. But we can continue this conversation tomorrow in a public place.”

Disengage.

If the conversation becomes too heated, disengage. Realize the conversation is going nowhere, terminate it, and walk away. There is no use in letting the difficult person use toxic behavior to manipulate and get what they want.

Don’t try to win.

There’s no need to try to win an argument against a difficult person. This doesn’t work. And it’s not about trying to beat the other person, anyway. It is about listening to one another and trying to find a solution. If a solution is not possible, just agree to disagree. Otherwise, meet with a counselor or coach who can offer professional help to reach an agreement.

If you need help dealing with difficult people, please know we are here for you! Call us at 800-NEW-LIFE.

by Dr. Linda Mintle

What is love?

Theologians, musicians, writers, and even Hollywood directors, have attempted to define, explain, and quantify love throughout history. But there has yet to be a consensus reached so far.

When it comes down to it, however, love is a choice.

A person can choose to act lovingly toward others or selfishly toward them. There is no mistaking that the foundation of genuine love is not feelings that change from day to day, from week to week, and sometimes even from moment to moment. There is no doubt that true love requires effort because it is a decision—one must be willing to do their part to build a lasting relationship.

Christ’s words are clear: Love God first, and then love others (See Matthew 22:37-40). These two commands are burdensome because humans are born being selfish, and it takes a lifetime to learn how to put others’ needs first and become selfless. But because of Christ’s example, loving others is not optional—it is a command.

The Christian path is an exercise in love and forgiveness. Need help? Connect with a New Life Counselor or Coach. To walk in Christ’s footsteps, you must accept God’s love, forgive those who’ve harmed you, and freely share God’s love with your spouse, friends, neighbors, and even strangers.

How?

To love others as Christ does, here are three easy questions to ask your spouse, a friend, or a family member:

• “What does it feel like being in a relationship with me?”
• “What can I do to improve our relationship?”
• “What do you need from me?”

God did not intend for His followers to settle for mediocre marriages or friendships. He made men and women capable of extraordinary things and deep relationships. Healthy relationships require compassion, wisdom, empathy, kindness, courtesy, and forgiveness. If it sounds like too much work, don’t forget that God rewards those who love Him and love others. He knows that the person who does the work will reap the fruits of their labor. These fruits will enrich the lives of your loved ones and the lives of generations yet unborn.

Want a love that lasts? Then understand this: The foundation of genuine love is not feelings; love is a choice one must make each day. And keep making it!

by Steve Arterburn

Here are some signs of relationship addiction to be watching out for.

1. Base self-worth on being in a relationship.
Someone who is insecure may constantly look for another person to affirm and validate them. They think a dating relationship will give reassurance but being so desperate to be in a relationship may lead them to a toxic person. Real worth and identity are found in knowing Christ and God’s Word.

2. Have no life outside of the relationship.
Someone with a relationship addiction spends less time on their own personal interests, hobbies, goals, social life, work, etc. When the focus is only on the relationship and there’s no life outside of it, the relationship is not balanced. A balanced relationship involves both partners having interests outside the relationship.

3. Lie or conceal the extent of their partner’s toxic behavior from others.
Why would anyone want to hide unhealthy behavior—such as disrespect, abuse, betrayal, etc.—about their partner from others? For the most part, it may be that they have shame. But to heal and end this cycle of relationship addiction, expose the truth to the light.

“We stuff shame down deep rather than bring it into the light. Thus, we sow seeds of self-loathing – seeds that will eventually give birth to the pain that launches the whole cycle all over again.”—Steve Arterburn

4. Disregard advice from family, friends, or others who point out problems with the relationship.
When others say the relationship is unhealthy or needs to end, and they don’t consider the advice, this may indicate a relationship addiction. When it comes to dating, it’s essential to get input from others—if they are worried about the relationship, listen, and consider what they have to say. God’s Word says, “…there is safety in having many advisers” (Proverbs 11:14b, NLT).

5. Continue in the relationship despite the negative impact on their mental, physical, or spiritual health.
Has the relationship had a positive effect on mental health, or has it had negative effect? If it has been negative, communicate concerns, set boundaries, and break off the relationship if it continues. But what if they have difficulty breaking off the relationship because they continue to obsess over the person or become fixated on them? Then this could be a sign of relationship addiction.

6. Mistake intensity in a relationship with intimacy.
The highs and lows of a relationship may draw a person to get hooked on relationship addiction. It can be easy to mistake intensity for intimacy, but they are very different. True emotional intimacy takes time. But intensity is different because it often happens when individuals get caught up in fantasy, whirlwind romance, drama, or physical attraction. One example is having an affair.

“If you’re having an affair, it’s easy for you to mistake intensity with intimacy.”—Milan Yerkovich

7. Remain in a toxic relationship because they think it’s better to be in an unhealthy relationship than to be alone.
At the root of relationship addiction is unhealed childhood needs. Being abandoned, neglected, or abused in childhood often leads to an insecure attachment style. Don’t allow a fear of being alone or abandoned to be the reason to stay in an unsafe relationship. End the cycle by seeking help from a New Life Counselor or Coach.

“Be strong enough to say ‘no more.”—Dr. Sheri Keffer

To learn more about relationship addiction, please call us at 800-639-5433 to find a counselor or coach. It’s not too late to form healthy relationships. Call us today.

by Kimberlee Bousman

Does this sound familiar? To stop emotional eating, follow these two simple steps.

Step One: Identify the emotions driving the urge to eat.

Find out what emotions drive the desire to eat. Emotional eating distracts people from the rawness of being alive and allows them to bypass it. Many people are afraid of their own emotions. They avoid crying or experiencing the depth of their negative emotions, perhaps fearing they will break or fall into some horrible abyss. No matter how terrible a situation is, what damages people the most is when they don’t allow their feelings to surface. The fear of the feeling is at the root of emotional overeating, not the feelings themselves.

Become aware of your emotions when tempted to eat food to satisfy an emotional need. Feel any feelings that come to mind. Are there any feelings that need to surface? Is there sadness, loneliness, anger, fear, or another emotion? Learn to accept feelings—even the uncomfortable ones.

Step Two: Find healthy solutions to your emotional needs.

After identifying the real emotions, the next step is meeting the actual need. When you feed your feelings with food instead of experiencing them, this is when mindless eating happens. Instead, address the underlying needs. So, what’s the right solution? Check out these recommendations:

• Anger
  Take a break, write a letter of forgiveness and sharing any feelings to those who’ve hurt you and destroy it
• Loneliness
  Call a friend, attend a Life Recovery Group, volunteer, or go to a church service or a Bible study
• Sadness
  Make a list of things to be grateful for, cry, or laugh along with some comedy
• Boredom
  Finish a project, take up a new hobby, watch a movie, or read a book
• Anxiety
  Breathe deeply, pray, read Scripture, journal, walk, or talk to a New Life Counselor or Coach

Although the two steps of identifying emotions and finding healthy solutions may sound simple, following through with them is challenging. If it feels like one step forward, two steps back, that’s okay. Be patient. For more help, attend our Lose it for Life Workshop. Putting an end to emotional eating is a process, but it’s worth it!

by Susan Eppley

There are seven reasons God designed sex.

1. Oneness.
   Within a committed, monogamous marriage between a husband and wife, God created sex for a man and woman to experience oneness. Sex is a way for both husbands and wives to become one physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Genesis 2:24 (NLT) says, “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”
2. Procreation.
   Another reason why God created sex was, in part, for children. God’s first commandment in Genesis 1:28 to Adam and Eve was to “Be fruitful, and multiply.” In other words, God was encouraging them to get married, have sex, and make babies. Not all couples can have children, for a variety of reasons, but part of God’s plan for sex is procreation.
3. Selflessness.
   Real intimacy in marriage is about being selfless—not selfish. Selflessness is the key to great emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy in marriage. When one spouse puts the other first, wanting them to have a satisfying sexual experience, they will be given a satisfying experience right back.
4. Faithfulness.
   Though the world promotes sex with multiple partners, God’s design is the exact opposite; sex and sexual satisfaction is for a husband and wife for life. This means that no sexual gratification should be fulfilled outside of marriage, including pornography, adultery, and emotional affairs. Not sure what to do to avoid tempting situations, especially texting others? Laura Mangin-McDonald, leader at our Restore Workshop, says, “Here’s a litmus test for sending appropriate communication: If your spouse were sitting beside you, would they read the content of your message and give you a thumbs up?” Men who struggle with sexual integrity can attend Every Man’s Battle; women who’ve been sexually betrayed can attend Restore.
5. Connection.
   Being connected is the foundation for a good marriage. Where does disconnection start? It starts in the kitchen or living room long before the bedroom. Couples should set aside time to cultivate their connection by listening, talking about their feelings, building each other up, sharing about their day, working through disagreements, and praying. When husbands and wives take the time to make positive deposits each day to build up their emotional intimacy, it will pay off later in their physical intimacy.
6. Safety.
   Nothing is more detrimental to God’s design for sex than for it to be unsafe. It is crucial for every Christian marriage to have boundaries. To participate in any unsafe behavior, including pornography, or to force one spouse to participate in anything that makes them uncomfortable will undermine safety God designed for sex.
   Though Scripture has been misused, nothing in the Bible allows for abuse. “There is no dictator, doormat marriage that is acceptable in any Bible that I’ve ever seen.”—Steve Arterburn
7. Pleasure.
   One of the most important reasons why God created sex is for pleasure. Sexual intimacy is for a couple to delight in—not make it a duty. This is not to say that a man’s pleasure is more important than a woman’s; it isn’t. Just as a husband and wife are equal in God’s eyes, so a wife’s pleasure is just important as her husband’s. If there’s any doubt, all one must do is read Song of Solomon to see that sex is about pleasure for both husbands and wives. They can celebrate the joy that comes from the sexual union.

Want a closer, more intimate marriage? Join us for our Intimacy in Marriage Workshop. Call 800-639-5433 to find out more.

by Kimberlee Bousman

More about Kimberlee

How can you know God’s will in the new year? Here are some tips to help you discover God’s will for your life.

1. Search God’s Word.

Any decision you make should line up with—not contradict—God’s Word. This is why reading the Bible and knowing what it says before making a major decision is essential. Psalm 119:105 (NLT) says, “Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.”

2. Ask God for wisdom.

When you pray and ask God to show you what to do, God will give you wisdom. James 1:5 provides this assurance, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you…” As you seek God, write down the sense of direction you get from Him over time to avoid making an impulsive decision.

3. Be patient with the process.

Knowing God’s will requires patience. There will be times when you’re tempted to rush ahead of God and do whatever you want to do…don’t! Perhaps God wants you to wait because He is still orchestrating all the pieces of His grand plan to come together—other times, He might have you wait so He can work on your heart.

4. Think through each decision logically.

Sometimes, Christians can get so caught up in hearing from God that they forget to use reason and common sense. List all the possible decisions you could make. Then, brainstorm all the benefits and drawbacks of each choice.

5. Submit your will to God’s will.

Your prayer should not be to get what you want but for God’s will to be done. Pray, “I want your will to be done, not mine” (Matthew 26:39). Don’t limit God’s will, but be open to God doing something incredible in you and through you that you never thought possible.

6. Seek counsel from qualified individuals.

Ask others to pray for you, and seek godly counsel from a counselor or coach. Get advice and insight from people who have made good choices in their own lives so that you can make the right choices. Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success.”

7. Look for open and closed doors.

Sometimes, God may use an open or shut door to point you in the right direction. “What he opens, no one can close; and what he closes, no one can open” (Revelation 3:7).

8. Take the next right step.

To know God’s will and do it in the new year, surrender each step you take to the Lord. Don’t focus on all the steps to take. Instead, ask yourself: “What’s my next best step?” After following the tips listed above—from searching God’s Word to looking for open and closed doors—take the next right step.

9. Trust that God is already there.

Deuteronomy 31:8b says, “the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” No matter the decisions you’ll make in the new year—whether deciding which job to take, where to live, or who to marry—the Lord has already gone before you. He is always beside you and has a plot twist to your life that you never saw coming— but is better than you could ever imagine.

Knowing and doing God’s will is not always easy. Call 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433) to find a counselor or coach to help you.

By Kimberlee Bousman

More about Kimberlee

Here are 5 Scriptural ways to pray for a loved one:

1. Psalm 44:20-21—God knows our hearts.
“If we had forgotten the name of our God or spread our hands in prayer to foreign gods, God would surely have known it, for he knows the secrets of every heart, for he knows the secrets of every heart.”

Pray: God, You know _______’s heart. You know their secrets and the hidden things that I will never know. Father, guide _______ in the secret places of their heart. Shine Your light in their heart—and drive away any darkness. Heal their heart. Dear God, help _______ to live their life with the knowledge that you know their heart and everything that is in it.

2. Acts 15:8-9—God purifies our hearts by faith.
“God knows people’s hearts, and he confirmed that he accepts Gentiles by giving them the Holy Spirit, just as he did to us. He made no distinction between us and them, for he cleansed their hearts through faith.”

Pray: God, I pray that You will help _______ to accept Christ as their Savior and to grow in their relationship with You. Please remove anything that stands in the way of their salvation. And I thank You that You will accept them by giving them Your Holy Spirit to purify their heart by faith.

3. Jeremiah 17:10—God searches our hearts.
“But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve.”

Pray: God, search _______’s heart and examine their mind. Lead them in the way where they can be of service to You. Thank You, God, that You will reward _______’s deeds of obedience. And even more, God, thank You for putting in their heart the desire to want to do good.

4. Deuteronomy 8:2—God tests our hearts.
“Remember how the LORD your God led you through the wilderness for these forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would obey his commands.”

God, I pray that as You test _______’s heart, You will help them to know that You are interested in what’s in their heart and want to help their heart to heal and to know You and the peace that only You can bring. I pray You will give _______ the heart to know You and obey You completely.

5. Exodus 10:1-2—God hardens and softens hearts. “Then the LORD said to Moses, ‘Return to Pharaoh and make your demands again. I have made him and his officials stubborn so I can display my miraculous signs among them. I’ve also done it so you can tell your children and grandchildren about how I made a mockery of the Egyptians and about the signs I displayed among them—and so you will know that I am the LORD.’”

Pray: God, I know You hardened Pharoah’s heart so that You could reveal Yourself to Your people and the unbelieving Egyptians. And I know that Your plans for _______ to glorify You are far above anything I could ever imagine. Yet I pray, God, that You will keep _______’s heart soft toward You. Protect them from hardening their heart.

What is self-sabotage?
Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines “sabotage” as: “destruction of property or the hindering of manufacturing by discontented workers; destructive or obstructive action; an act or process tending to hamper or hurt; deliberate subversion.” Addiction itself is a form of self-sabotage. Rather than dealing with painful emotions and events in healthy ways, it is often easier to turn to destructive ways—like alcohol, drugs, porn, or overeating—to escape. Even after starting recovery, self-sabotage can still occur.

Here are some signs of self-sabotage in recovery:

• Spending time with other addicts who are active in their addiction and encourage you to use
• Putting off going to counseling or a Life Recovery Group
• Having negative self-talk
• Relapsing on the anniversary of getting sober

Why would someone self-sabotage?
There are a few reasons why someone who has worked so hard to get sober and transform their life would throw it away. One cause of self-sabotage is shame. In contrast to healthy guilt, in which a person who has relapsed may think, “What I did was bad,” a person struggling with shame may think, “I am bad.” These feelings may trigger a person to relapse. Another factor is fear. Whether it’s fear of messing up, failing, or letting people down, fear can be a powerful motivator to self-sabotage. Additionally, negative self-talk plays a role. Negative self-talk is common among people who feel inadequate. The more they believe these lies, the more they sabotage themselves.

What is the solution to self-sabotage?
The solution to self-sabotage is to learn new and healthier ways to respond to and cope with painful emotions and destructive thoughts. Talking about emotions is one way to do this. In that way, emotions and feelings are less likely to drive self-destructive behavior when they’re openly discussed. Meeting regularly with a New Life Counselor can help ease intense feelings that feed into self-sabotage urges. Furthermore, one needs to stop talking negatively to oneself. A person who self-sabotages usually believes they are flawed, will fail, or doesn’t deserve favorable outcomes. Does this sound familiar? If so, replace the old negative thoughts with new positive ones.

Finally, learn not to act on your emotions. When difficult emotions arise, it is imperative to be still and not react to them. Emotional decisions are often the ones that we regret later because—in the heat of the moment—we are not thinking clearly or logically. To avoid self-sabotaging your sobriety, don’t allow them to guide your actions and choices. By knowing what self-sabotage is, understanding why it may be a struggle, and finding a solution to overcome it, maintaining your sobriety will be much easier.

Take a moment and reflect on what Isaiah 43:19 says, “For I am about to do something new.” Instead of sabotaging the new year, let God do something new this year!

To “carry this message to others” and to help them get off the wrong path and onto the right one, there are four important qualities one must have.

First, it takes courage. Whether at a meeting or in everyday life, God will provide many opportunities to share the message of Life Recovery. Find a Life Recovery Group, participate in the weekly meetings, invite others to attend, mentor someone, or even lead a Life Recovery Group. Learn how to start a Life Recovery Group.

Secondly, it takes gentleness. Galatians 6:1 (NLT) explains: “Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.”

The only person capable of guiding others from the wrong path to the right one is one who is gentle enough to do so. It’s easy for anyone to get stuck on this perilous path by choosing to numb their painful feelings and past traumas with addictions and unhealthy habits. When confronting someone stuck in their shortcomings, be gentle—not judgmental.

Third, it takes humility. People should be restored, not destroyed. Bringing others back to God is the purpose of restoring them. Despite this, most individuals rarely demonstrate humility when they try to restore someone. Why? In some cases, people are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, while in other cases, they are too harsh or motivated by selfish interests. To maintain a healthy balance, here are some questions to think about:

• “Am I doing this to help others or to promote myself?”
• “Do I sound inspiring or condemning?”
• “Am I afraid of hurting their feelings if I tell them the truth, or am I able to speak the truth in love?”

Fourth, it takes accountability. In a safe relationship, each person is held accountable—if a setback happens, it’s easy to get back on track. Therefore, accountability helps to carry the message of Life Recovery. Like a person who looks into a mirror and fixes whatever needs to be fixed, someone who is held accountable for their actions will always work toward becoming a better person.

Finally, even after going through all the Twelve Steps, recovery is never truly finished. It takes a lifetime of having courage, gentleness, humility, and accountability to carry the message of recovery to others for life.

by Steve Arterburn

1. Have a plan in place.
Before going to a party or spending time with family, think about what will happen. Have a team of friends and accountability partners to provide support. Here are some questions to ask:

• “Who is going to be there?”
• “What feelings will this bring up?”
• “Am I even ready to go?”

2. Let the family know.
Families often get together and drink this time of year. Anyone in recovery from alcohol addiction should tell their family beforehand that they are in recovery and won’t be drinking alcohol this year.

3. Invite people over.
Going out to an event venue or with a group may be too much of a temptation. Instead, consider asking people over and hosting a party.

4. Have healthy conversations.
Holding everything in will make things worse. Begin to have authentic conversations—it will feel uncomfortable at first, but it will bring healing. Being honest and real will inspire other family members to feel open enough to share.

5. Make amends.
Addiction is a family disease. But most families don’t even realize how addiction is connected to the family system. Getting together with family can be a time to forgive others, as well as to ask for forgiveness.

6. Continue to go to recovery meetings.
Don’t stop going to meetings just because family members want to do activities together. Spending time with family is important, but recovery should still be a priority. If something interferes with attending a recovery group, set boundaries and learn to say no.

7. Watch out for triggers.
Whether it’s a person, place, or thing, there will always be the temptation to relapse. Look out for these. Find ways to work around these triggers by looking for healthier ways to cope and do things to inspire sober living. For example, painting—or a similar activity—can help calm stress and anxiety.

8. Start new traditions.
If family and friends have always had certain Christmas traditions, they may expect everyone to participate. And for a person in recovery from alcohol addiction, putting sobriety first may feel selfish. One way to put recovery first is to start new traditions. Perhaps invite an entire Life Recovery Group over to watch a Christmas movie together.

9. Remember, the old is gone, and the new has come.
The Bible says, “The old life is gone; a new life has begun” (2 Corinthians 5:17). There is nothing more encouraging than having a new year to start over again. The old life is in the past, and a new life is here!

Has sobriety been a struggle? Call us at 800-NEW-LIFE. We can recommend a counselor, Life Recovery Group, or a treatment center.

by Corey Busk

Excerpted from Life Recovery Today with Stephen Arterburn.

It’s not easy turning others down, especially around the holidays; however, it is necessary. Instead of saying “yes” to every invitation or request, here are some simple ways to say “no” and stay sane this Christmas.

1. Just say “no.”

Although it may seem easier to say “yes” or make an excuse to avoid a conflict, saying “no” is a biblical principle. According to Matthew 5:37, “just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.” To make Christmas a little calmer this year, normalize saying “no.”

2. “That doesn’t work for me.”

Politely turning down an invitation to a party or not eating someone’s special dessert at Christmas is fine. There’s no need to feel guilty or wonder if the other person’s feelings may be hurt by declining them in a respectful—but firm—manner.

3. “Let me get back to you.”

If feeling unsure about saying “yes,” don’t make a knee-jerk reaction by giving in to pressure. Take a day or two to decide if it’s even feasible. Having time to think, pray, and discuss it with others—such as a spouse, kids, or even a New Life Counselor—will give much-needed clarity.

4. “I have other plans, but let’s get together soon.”

Another strategy is to schedule blocks of time each day for self-care—such as going to the gym, getting a massage, or spending quality family time with the kids or spouse. That way, it’ll be easier to turn someone down if there’s already something scheduled. By making self-care and family a priority, Christmas will be less stressful.

5. “I’ve always hosted, but I can’t do it this year.”

Christmas is a time for traditions. But maybe it’s too much to host the entire family this year. The best way to break the news is to convey a willingness to help in another way. Perhaps say, “If you decide to host at your house, I can help with the cooking.”

6. “I don’t have room for that in my budget.”

Tell family and friends in advanced what the budget will be for gifts and activities, so they’ll know what to expect. When a grandchild or child asks for an expensive gift, be honest with them and ask them if there’s another gift they’d like.

7. “I’ll come for a visit, but I’ll stay in a hotel.”

Looking forward to catching up with family and friends, but don’t want to deal with their excessive drinking or argumentative behavior? Having a place to retreat to will prevent this scenario from becoming a nightmare in the future. If things do get heated, stay calm and head back to the hotel for a much-needed break.

8. “I’m not comfortable with that.”

It’s imperative to communicate boundaries clearly with family and friends, then follow through with any consequences when boundaries are broken. By standing firm in saying “no,” people will either respect it or must they face the ramifications.

9. “That is not something I’ll discuss right now.”

Whether it’s politics or bringing up issues from the past, let’s face it, Christmas get-togethers tend to be the time that conflicts occur. Before attending an event with family and friends, think about what a suitable response would be if an argument happens. So, no matter how hot things get, stay cool. And respond instead of reacting. Finally, never forget the real meaning of Christmas—celebrating the birth of Christ.

We have counselors, coaches, and Life Recovery Groups that can help you during Christmas. Call 800-NEW-LIFE to get connected.

by Kimberlee Bousman

More about Kimberlee

According to YouGov, one in nine Americans (11%) will spend Christmas alone. Whether they don’t have family or friends, are estranged from family, or are single, for many individuals, Christmas is a very lonely time.

Sound familiar? If feelings of loneliness threaten to steal away the joy of Christ, here are some things to do to feel loved and connected with God and others.

1. Lean into the loneliness.

Ignoring the pain? Hoping it will go away? Trying to numb away the loneliness? No one will heal until they allow themselves to feel. So, it’s important to lean into the feelings of being lonely. Start by putting a name to the emotion by saying or writing, “I feel lonely, abandoned, rejected…” Putting feelings into words allows the brain to begin to process them, making the loneliness a little less intense.

2. Start and end each day with gratitude.

Be prepared to get up each day and do a regular morning routine—even if there’s nothing on the schedule to look forward to. Begin each day by finding three to five things to thank God for that day. Then, get fully dressed, and get ready for the day. Don’t forget to spend a few minutes in prayer and reading Scripture. Before going to sleep, find at least three things that went well that day and write them down in a journal. By having a routine every morning and evening that focuses on gratitude, it will start and end each day on a positive note.

3. Consider Christ—He knows what it’s like to be alone.

If anyone can identify with loneliness, it was Christ. He was born in a stable, possibly a stable that was inside a cave. When the prophet Isaiah foretold Christ’s coming, he said in Isaiah 7:14 (NLT), “they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’” No one who knows Christ is ever alone. God is with them. Always. And He is available to all who call on Him.

4. Do something solo on Christmas Day.

If being alone on Christmas Day is unavoidable, plan a day to do things solo. Go on a trip alone, cook (or buy) delicious foods, have a home spa day, or read a new book. Want to go out and meet people so that Christmas Day isn’t spent all alone? Go to a Christmas dinner that a local church, community center, or non-profit organization has provided for the community.

5. Be kind.

The world is full of kind people. But if there seem to be no kind people around, be a kind person to others. Mentor a child or teen in the inner city. Prepare meals and bring them to those who are sick and unable to leave their home. Visit a nursing home. Help animals at an animal shelter. Or serve Christmas dinner at a church or homeless shelter. Showing kindness to those who are lonely will make a dramatic difference in someone’s life—and Christmas won’t seem so lonely.

6. Talk to someone.

Smile and start a conversation with someone. Connect with friends and family through a video call, watch sports, or have a movie marathon. Talk to the barista, grocery clerk, support group online, or your next-door neighbor. It can be as simple as giving a compliment to a stranger, making a comment about the weather, asking how their day is going, or any number of topics. For more help, it may help to talk with a licensed counselor in the New Life Counselor Network or join a Life Recovery Group.

Connecting with God and others is the best way to lessen the sadness of loneliness and experience the joy of Christ coming into the world. For prayer and help, call 800-NEW-LIFE.

by Kimberlee Bousman

More about Kimberlee

In a well-known Bible story about a life-threatening storm on the Sea of Galilee, Jesus posed an intriguing question to His frightened followers: “Where is your faith?” He asked them as the wind roared, the seas rolled, and the ship rocked. Their response came as a question that revealed the hidden reason for their fear and anxiety. They asked, “When he gives a command, even the wind and waves obey him!” (See Luke 8:22-26, NLT).

Their answer to the question Jesus asked revealed that their faith was in the wrong thing. They trusted their knowledge of the sea and their sailing abilities, which were inadequate; instead, they should’ve trusted Jesus. Why didn’t they trust Him? Because they didn’t yet fully realize who He was.

In another familiar biblical scene, Mary is at the empty tomb of Jesus, weeping because his body is gone. Walking up behind her, the resurrected Christ asks this two-in-one question, “Dear woman, why are you crying? Who are you looking for?” Not recognizing Jesus and thinking He was the gardener, Mary asked Him to tell her where He had put the body of Jesus. Her response was like that of the disciples. While the disciples had put their faith in the wrong thing, so did Mary. She was so desperate to find a dead body that she almost missed seeing a living Savior (See John 20:11-15).

Both questions Jesus asked, “Where is your faith?” (Luke 8:25) and “Who are you looking for?” (John 20:15) have to do with His identity. Neither the disciples nor Mary had yet figured out who Jesus was.

Most human fear and worry are due to not yet knowing who Jesus is—by honestly answering the questions Jesus posed, one can pinpoint the source of their fears and doubts. So, if someone is filled with fear and is struggling to love the Lord will all their heart, they can ask themselves the same questions: “Where is my faith?” and “Who am I looking for?”

When one realizes their faith was is in something unreliable and that they have allowed their fears to overshadow their faith, they must look to put their faith in someone who is 100 percent trustworthy and dependable…Jesus.

Adapted from the book, Healing is a Choice,

by Steve Arterburn. More about Steve

by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend

How does this relate to recovery? It’s hard for someone in recovery to hear what God is saying to them if they do not take the time to listen to Him. As a result, they won’t experience a deep relationship with the Lord. By closing their ears, they are losing an opportunity for God to speak truth, hope, and peace into their lives.

This is why taking the time to go through Life Recovery Step Eleven is so important. Step Eleven says, “We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out.”

Step Eleven is an important spiritual step that should not be walked through too quickly because it takes ongoing, daily work. Though not always taught or practiced, this step consists of two equally important parts: prayer and meditation. Prayer is talking to God; meditating is listening to Him. While talking to God may come easy for some, meditating may pose a challenge for others.

What does it take to develop a closer, more intimate relationship with the Lord while in recovery? Start by spending time with the Lord daily by praying, reading, and meditating on His Word. For a recovery Bible that goes through the 12 Steps, use The Life Recovery Bible.

Don’t forget, however, that there’s more to reading the Bible than just opening it up for a couple of minutes each morning to check off a box. It takes discipline to make the time to meditate on God’s Word, pray over it, and reflect on it throughout the day. By talking to the Lord and listening carefully to Him every day, having “conscious contact with God” will be much easier.

A Bible verse that accompanies Step Eleven is Colossians 4:2 (NLT) which says, “Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.”
Let that verse sink in for a moment. Having a “thankful heart,” as Colossians 4:2 mentions, means having an attitude of gratitude. For example, if someone has struggled with addiction for years, it’s easy for them to look back to the past and feel regretful or angry toward themselves or others that they blame. Rather than meditating on feelings of anger or regret, replace those negative thoughts with positive thoughts of thanksgiving and gratitude.

Remember, God tends to speak with a still, small voice; He very rarely shouts at His children. Meditation is an integral aspect of prayer. It teaches one to develop a patient heart and attentive ear—which is why prayer and meditation are crucial components of recovery.

by Steve Arterburn

A husband and wife must be each other’s cheerleaders, and they must learn how to encourage and support each other’s activities. Each spouse can listen and take an interest in the things their spouse likes to do. Similarly, they can express respect for each other. Every chance they get, they should compliment each other in public and in private. Both husbands and wives need to know they’re appreciated. A spouse who feels valued and encouraged is more likely to encourage the other in return.

One cannot underestimate the power of affection. A couple needs to develop a healthy habit of touching. Touch is connecting, holding hands, cuddling, stroking, and different ways of showing physical affection—but not necessarily sexual. Too frequently, couples do not touch each other, in public or ever. Affection is the basis on which a husband and wife can develop a healthy desire for each other, providing comfort. If a couple learns to be affectionate with their spouse, it creates a bond and security in their marriage.

One of the most significant barriers to growth in marriage is the absence of discussion. Couples must learn how to talk about their feelings and what is happening in their lives. Life is not perfect, and stressors will occur, so couples who acquire the ability to communicate their needs, wants, and goals have a greater connection. Set aside time daily to talk and discuss what happened and any challenges. Check in with each other—be curious, not furious.

No one should let resentments build up in their marriage. Spouses need to learn to forgive each other and themselves. Conflicts in marriage happen, and it’s essential for each partner to feel as if they can talk about their struggles and feelings. A husband must know how his wife thinks about issues that cause conflict; a wife must do likewise. If resentment is allowed to grow, the marriage will be challenging and lack connection. Work through resentments and find resolutions.

Intimacy in marriage must not only be developed but protected. Seeking intimacy online or through an emotional or physical affair is a betrayal at the deepest level—and it will never meet a real need. When a husband or wife looks at pornography or lusts after another person outside of their marriage, it destroys the intimacy in their marriage. By thinking about images or acting out with other people, they rob their spouse and themselves of true intimacy. When they find true intimacy with their spouse, they will lose their desire for substitutes and protect their relationship.

Want to cultivate a closer, more intimate marriage? Attend New Life’s Intimacy in Marriage workshop.

By Steve Arterburn and Kimberlee Bousman

Read more about Steve and Kimberlee.  

Addiction always begins as an experiment. Someone starts by trying to taste life’s pleasures and find fun and excitement to escape their pain. They attempt to find fulfillment by using drugs, alcohol, overeating, shopping, porn, working excessively, or something else.

Though they find temporary relief from the pain by using what they believe they can control, the pain returns, and it’s much worse than before.A person stuck in addiction feels high temporarily—but later, they drop so low that they must use just to feel normal again.

In the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible, the phrase “chasing the wind,” is used seven times. It is a metaphor for pursuing futility. The theme of the book shows how Solomon, the author, set out to taste all of life’s pleasures. He even had the means to do so without any limit. He systematically used his addiction to alcohol, overworking, power, greed, and vast sexual exploits with numerous women to find meaning and purpose in life. But he never found meaning in these things and ended up worse off than when he started.

Solomon explains why it’s meaningless to look for purpose in the wrong places:

Anything I wanted, I would take. I denied myself no pleasure. I even found great pleasure in hard work, a reward for all my labors. But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless—like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.—Ecclesiastes 2:10-11, NLT

But Solomon, thankfully, discovered he had been searching in all the wrong places and that the real purpose of life was not found in pleasure. At the end of Ecclesiastes, in chapter 12 verses 13-14, he writes, “Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad.”

Addiction typically is about escapism, avoiding reality, and denying there is a problem. When an addict enters treatment to overcome their addiction, they must see reality as it is. This can be very difficult. For help, contact New Life Ministries by calling 800-NEW-LIFE or clicking here.

Like Solomon, the world is full of people chasing after the wind but going nowhere fast. Anyone who runs after fulfillment in pleasure will miss the opportunity to discover their true purpose and contentment until they stop running from their pain and turn to face it.

Adapted from The Life Recovery Devotional.

When recovery is going well, it’s easy to assume that the worst is over and that it’s time to celebrate by taking a day off. But not so fast! Should someone who is recovering from addiction take the day off? No! Sobriety doesn’t take a day off—nor does it get a vacation day. Recovery is a lifelong process that takes daily work. Life Recovery Step Ten says, “We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.”

So, if a person in recovery is not careful and refuses or neglects to take an ongoing inventory as Life Recovery Step Ten requires them, they could relapse.1 Corinthians 10:12 (NLT) says, “If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall.” Part of a daily routine can include prayerfully taking a personal inventory. In a journal, such as the New Life Journal, write down one good thing that happened that day and one thing that needs improvement. Then, share these from time to time with a Life Recovery Group.

One example of taking an ongoing personal inventory in the Bible happened when the Jewish exiles returned to Jerusalem after captivity in Babylon. These exiles had lost touch with God because no one had taught them about God. But after rebuilding the city walls of Jerusalem and the temple, Nehemiah, the Jewish Governor in Babylon, had the priests gather the people and read the Book of the Law. When the people realized their lives didn’t measure up, they started sobbing.

Then, the priests and Nehemiah said:

Don’t mourn or weep on such a day as this! For today is a sacred day before the LORD your God…Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks, and share gifts of food with people who have nothing prepared . . . for the joy of the LORD is your strength!—Nehemiah 8:9-10

That day marked the beginning of Sukkot, the Festival of Tabernacles, a Jewish feast in the fall that celebrated their escape from bondage in Egypt and God’s care for them while they wandered in the wilderness. But on this sacred day, the exiles had work to do—admit their shortcomings to God and reconnect with Him.

It’s never too late for someone with a weakness for addiction to discover the joy of the Lord to give them strength.

by Steve Arterburn

1. Accept God’s forgiveness.

No sin, shortcoming, or struggle is too big that God can’t forgive. When Christ died on the cross, He wiped the slate clean. But if regrets from the past are still causing shame, here’s an exercise to try: Write down any past failures and mistakes. Pray over them, ask for the Lord’s forgiveness, and tear up the paper. Romans 8:1 offers this hope: “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” When the feelings of shame or condemnation still linger, connect with a counselor in the New Life Counseling Network.

2. Realize that everyone makes mistakes.

No one is immune from making mistakes. Nor is anyone perfect. Failure is a part of life; before someone succeeds, they will fail. Winston Churchill once observed, “Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” Failure is inevitable, but giving up should never be an option.

3. Face up to mistakes.

Owning up to a mistake is better than faking perfection. So, when the inevitable blunders of life happen (and they will), they must be corrected, learned from, and never repeated. Past mistakes can become lessons that build character. The best place to start is by being vulnerable enough to open up about a mistake and take steps to make amends. Joining a Life Recovery Group and going through the 12 Steps will help. The sooner the problem is addressed, the better.

4. Anticipate making mistakes.

One should expect to make mistakes—and plenty of them—because it’s impossible to do everything right all the time. However, it’s best to anticipate a misstep to avoid it altogether. Proverbs 14:8 says, “The prudent understand where they are going, but fools deceive themselves.”

5. Rise above mistakes.

Even when one’s pride is bruised, one must face up to their mistakes and rise above them. Past failures do not have to define a person unless they let them. The Bible is full of examples of people who rose above their mistakes. Here are a few examples: David committed adultery and murder; Peter denied Christ three times; Paul murdered Christians. No one can fall too low that God cannot bring them up.

6. Turn a mistake into a stepping stone.

Ever make a supersized blunder or two? Of course, everyone has! Albert Einstein said, “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” After making a mistake, ask: “Did I make the mistake into a stumbling block or a stepping stone?” The answer will make all the difference. Have the courage to share about a mistake with someone else—it might be the encouragement they need to overcome their struggles.

7. Never make the same mistake twice.

Someone once said that a mistake made more than once becomes a decision. Although mistakes are an inevitable part of life’s journey, repeated mistakes should not be. Journal to discover any patterns. Then talk to a friend, pastor, accountability partner, or counselor. Being aware is the key to preventing it from happening again.

8. Trust God to finish the work He started.

When a child makes one mistake, a loving parent doesn’t disown them but helps them learn. Likewise, when a child of God makes a mistake, their heavenly Father doesn’t stop working their life—He’s just getting started! Here’s what the Bible promises: “God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns” (Philippians 1:6).

For more help, call 800-NEW-LIFE. New Life Ministries has workshops, conferences, counselors, and coaches that can help.

by Steve Arterburn

More about Steve

1. Do guard against having a victim mentality.
When a codependent person views themselves as a victim, they may attract others who want to manipulate, abuse, or control them. But they are usually very reluctant to face life alone because they just feel they can’t cut it without someone leading the way. To overcome this mentality, detach from engaging in “pity party” conversations and find solutions to life problems rather than expecting others to solve them.

2. Don’t base self-esteem on pleasing people.
If a child did not get the love, attention, and affection they needed from their parents, they may have tried to be perfect or please their parents just to survive. Or if they had a parent or another family member who was an addict, they often had no choice but to be a rescuer. As an adult, however, it’s not too late to detach from basing self-esteem on trying to please people and start to base it on God’s love and acceptance. God accepts an individual just the way they are, so they should accept themselves.

3. Do connect rather than isolate.
Get involved in healthy relationships through church, civic, or other social groups. One way is to join a New Life Recovery Group online or in-person. Having a good support system of healthy relationships with safe people will provide support to confront the issues surrounding any toxic relationships.

4. Don’t let a fear of abandonment dominate thoughts.
The codependent person will sometimes hold onto a painful relationship rather than risk confronting critical issues. If they were abandoned in their childhood or sometime in the past, their biggest fear may be of someone rejecting them or abandoning them. When the fear of being abandoned takes over, trace the roots of that feeling and apply it in the context of the present situation. To heal, work with a counselor in the New Life Counselor Network.

5. Do communicate feelings and boundaries with others.
No one can read someone else’s mind. So, feelings and needs must be communicated. Use “I” statements about genuine feelings and needs; don’t offer unsolicited advice to the other person or tell them what to do. Instead, define clear boundaries, and explain what the consequences will be if the boundaries aren’t respected. Then, be sure to follow through with consequences.

6. Don’t forget that no is a complete sentence.
Saying yes to everyone and everything comes naturally for codependents, but is it the best thing to do? Is it being honest, truthful, and biblical? The answer, of course, is no. Rather than saying yes to everything and never saying no, learn how to speak the truth in love, as Ephesians 4:15 (NLT) says, “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.”

7. Do give yourself permission for practicing self-care instead of caring for others non-stop.
Detach from consistently trying to change others’ moods or solving their problems. And let go of being someone’s emotional caretaker based upon the erroneous belief that taking care of them can control what’s causing them pain. If someone wants to eliminate codependent tendencies, they must make caring for themselves a priority.

8. Don’t try to take on all the world’s problems.
No one can change anyone, so detach from feeling the need to be needed. But focusing on one’s own problems instead of others is a healthy step toward overcoming codependency.

9. Do allow loved ones to come face-to-face with reality.
The longer a codependent tries to rescue a friend or family member from reality, the longer it will take their friend or family member to face it. Under the guise of protection, being codependent may be preventing a friend or family member from developing emotional maturity. Let go of the desire to keep a loved one from pain—allowing them to experience the consequences of their own bad choices is the most loving thing to do.

New Life has many workshops, books, articles, and tips to help with codependency. To learn more, please call 800-NEW-LIFE.

by Steve Arterburn

While it’s not a big deal to fall victim to staying up late occasionally, it could lead to exhaustion and poor health when it happens often. If someone fails to get enough rest, the person they are hurting the most is themselves.

According to the CDC, a lack of sleep may lead to several health problems, including:

• Feeling tired all the time
• Attention and memory problems
• Heart disease
• Obesity
• Depression

Physical exhaustion is God’s way of saying slow down. So, Jesus offers this invitation to rest in Matthew 11:28-30:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Jesus invites the weary to come to Him and find rest. Spending time with the Lord in prayer and reading the Bible is vital for a person’s spiritual health—getting a good night’s sleep is crucial for a person’s physical health.

Each person is responsible for doing what they can to be healthy. After all, a healthy lifestyle is the result of hundreds of small daily decisions made day after day. If one develops good health habits—like getting enough rest at night—their bodies respond. But they suffer consequences if they fall into bad habits like staying up too late.

To help, here are a few ways to get a good night’s sleep:

• Go to bed and get up at the same time every day.
• Remove electronic devices from the bedroom.
• Avoid large meals and caffeine before bedtime.
• Be active during the day to help with sleep at night.

When physical or spiritual batteries are running low and energy begins to wane, instead of burning the midnight oil, accept Jesus’ invitation to find rest from the weariness. Then after spending time in God’s Presence, turn off the lights and go to bed! And find a coach in the New Life Coaching Network who can help.

by Steve Arterburn

More about Steve.

1. Agree with God that there’s a problem from the past, and confess it.
   No one can overcome an issue until they acknowledge it. There’s a reason for every feeling—anger, joy, or bitterness. God’s word for “agree” is the word “confess.” To confess something means to agree that it is true. When it comes to baggage that is bothering an individual, they must recognize that things have gone wrong – either done to them or done by them – and agree with God or “confess,” that they have happened and affected them deeply.
2. Heal and grieve.
   The next step is to receive the care and healing needed to deal with the root cause of the wound. A brokenhearted person must allow others to give them God’s care and love to help mend their broken heart. To heal past losses and hurts, one must grieve. Ecclesiastes 7:3 says, “Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us.”
3. Accept forgiveness.
   Often, the pain that a person drags into the present is the pain of failure from the past. If one feels guilty or ashamed of things they have done, they cannot tackle life with gusto. For an individual to leave their baggage behind, they must know they are accepted, forgiven, and loved. That kind of forgiveness and love is the kind of love that God has. Ask Him for this love, and receive it.
4. Forgive others.
   Resentment and unforgiveness tie an individual to the offenses that initially caused those feelings. God has provided a way for someone to be free of past debts through forgiveness. To the degree that a person embraces God’s forgiveness, they can forgive others.Reconciliation, however, depends on whether the perpetrator has seen the error of their ways and repents. To forgive does not mean that the victim denies that someone has hurt them. Nor does it mean they have to trust or allow them into their heart again. Forgiveness is not about the future—it’s about letting go of what happened in the past. Also, it’s about acknowledging the things done to harm them, and the past debts owed.
5. Examine unhealthy patterns.
   A significant part of the baggage of the past has to do with patterns of behavior learned from hurtful situations. The list of self-defeating patterns that one can develop may seem insurmountable. But when unhealthy ways of coping with the past are conquered and healthier habits are implemented, it will transform the present.
6. Find a new identity.
   Another baggage people carry is having a poor view of themselves that they’ve learned in past relationships or situations. However, a healthy identity is found only in a relationship with Christ and safe people who will accept them for who they are.

For help dealing with the past, attend a New Life Workshop. Find out more by calling 800-NEW-LIFE.

by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend

One Bible story that teaches it’s never too late to make amends is the story of David and Jonathan—one of the most outstanding examples of friendship in history.

David and Jonathan were the best of friends despite the worst of circumstances. Saul, Jonathan’s father, was one of the most demanding challenges facing them. He ruthlessly hunted David and tried to kill him for years.Yet, Jonathan’s love for David was strong and didn’t diminish. So, Jonathan told him “Don’t ever withdraw your kindness from my household” (1 Samuel 20:14, CSB). As a result, David agreed and promised to show kindness to Jonathan’s family—including his descendants.

But David did not follow through as he had promised. And Mephibosheth, Jonathan’s only living son, lived for a long time with the pain of David not keeping his commitment. David sought Mephibosheth out and told him, “I intend to show kindness to you because of my promise to your father, Jonathan. I will give you all the property that once belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will eat here with me at the king’s table!”—2 Samuel 9:7, NLT

David finally followed through on his promise by giving Mephibosheth all the land Saul once owned and letting him eat at his table; therefore, he made amends by finally fulfilling his promise.

How does one make amends as David did?

Start by going through the Life Recovery Step Nine which says, “We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

First, go down a list of individuals you need to make amends with (See Step Eight) and decide the best way to approach each person. Some people on the list may require a face-to-face meeting, while other situations may be handled by changing one’s behavior. Keep in mind, though, that there may be some people who are not safe and shouldn’t be contacted; also, there may be others who, for whatever reason, are unable to be contacted.

Second, try to repair the damage done. One must have the courage to approach each person with gentleness, humility, and understanding. Ask God for the courage to do this, and He will give it. Take responsibility for any wrongdoings during the conversation or in a letter. Ask for forgiveness. And offer to make amends or ask them how they would like amends to be made. For help, meet with a counselor in the New Life Counselor Network.

To get out from under the shadow of yesterday’s mistakes, go through Step Nine. It will complete the forgiveness process that started in Step Four and fulfill the requirement in Matthew 5:23-24 (NLT), which says, “If you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar and…someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.”

by Steve Arterburn

1. Know your limitations.
   Recognize that everyone has a different emotional capacity to hold others’ pain and trauma. Each person must be aware of their unique threshold and know how it fluctuates depending on what is going on in their personal life.

   Here are a few of the symptoms:

   • Emotional, mental, or physical exhaustion
   • Loss of hope
   • Anger toward perpetrators or causal events
   • Depression
   • PTSD
2. Pull back when feeling overwhelmed.
   When an individual begins to feel overwhelmed, they often “buckle down” and try harder. But it is far better to pull back when feeling overburdened and do some self-care.
3. Seek help when struggling.
   Don’t hesitate to ask for help when needed. Some individuals can help those who are hurting, but they should never do this at the neglect of their own needs. Therefore, it’s essential to have a safe support system in place—like a Life Recovery Group, counselor, or coach—to turn to when a crisis arises or if a word of encouragement is needed. Some ways to alleviate compassion fatigue include:
   • Talking to someone
   • Taking time off
   • Getting enough sleep
   • Exercising and eating properly
   • Scheduling activities that bring joy
4. Honestly evaluate motives.
   If someone always tends to take on others’ troubles or do for others what they can do for themselves, this may be a sign that they are struggling with codependency. The roots of codependency, no doubt, perhaps go back to childhood because it was a survival mechanism used in their family of origin. But as an adult, it’s possible to break free from these deeply rooted patterns. Seeing a licensed counselor will help.
5. Just say no.
   When an individual has reached their emotional capacity, they should not be afraid to say no. Everyone gets overwhelmed at times, especially when trying to help others. Even Jesus experienced fatigue. But He also took time to rest and urged His disciples to “Go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile (Mark 6:31, NLT). Telling others no, as well as taking time to relax and recharge, is often the best thing to do.

by Dr. Sheri Keffer and Chris Williams

Connect with the children at their point of emotional need.

Remarriage is a challenge for everyone, especially children. For most children, their parent’s decision to remarry represents the loss of the dream that their biological parents will reunite. Even children whose parents had a terrible relationship often fantasize that someday everyone will be happy. This grief is painful and can last a lifetime.

Encourage children to talk about their feelings.

It’s not an easy task, but every child needs a safe and nurturing environment where they feel respected and comfortable enough to share their emotions. When a parent is transparent about their feelings, they foster security and trust. The best way a parent can encourage their bonus or biological child to open up is by setting a good example.

Have realistic expectations.

A stepparent will not experience instant intimacy, trust, and respect with their bonus children. Getting to know each other will take time. The unrealistic expectation of quickly becoming “one big happy family” will set up a stepparent for disappointment every time. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Proverbs 13:12, NLT).

Establish new family traditions.

Every family needs to develop its own culture. By starting new traditions, a blended family can provide a greater sense of belonging for everyone involved. And parents who include their children in the process will increase their level of support and cooperation.

Be sensitive to traditions that have already been established in a child’s life.

If a child has always visited their grandparents for a week during the summer or spent Christmas Eve with their non-custodial parent, don’t suddenly change those traditions. The resentment a child may feel could undermine all the stepparent’s efforts.

Don’t trash the child’s other biological parent.

Showing respect and civility to the other biological minimizes conflict and strengthens the child/parent relationship. As bad as some situations can get, parents must control their feelings and comments as Romans 14:19 says, “Let us aim for harmony…”

The marriage relationship must be a priority.

Every successful blended family has one common characteristic — a strong bond between the husband and wife. Couples in blended families have incredible distractions in their lives. Ex-spouses, new schools, and new homes can threaten a marriage.

Parents must clearly define rules thoroughly and follow through with discipline.

Many stepparents tend to be too lenient with their new stepchildren in hopes of winning their acceptance and approval. This approach never works. All children need and expect to have boundaries in place, and consistent discipline is one of the most effective and powerful ways of communicating love and respect.

Both parents must be involved in establishing the rules for discipline.

Parents must always present a unified front when enforcing the rules. United parents are much more likely to gain respect from their children. Children are brilliant and will try to figure out how to play their parents against one another.

Place God in the center of your home.

The ultimate key to a successful stepfamily is making God the centerpiece of the home. But a Christ-centered life and family only happen when the parents have a vibrant relationship with God. Matthew 6:33 says, “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”

For more help, get a copy of Steve Arterburn and Connie Clark’s book, Understanding and Loving Your Bonus Child. By Steve Arterburn Read more about Steve. Listen to shows about Blended Families

Once a man gets beyond the initial pain of admitting that he’s an addict and starts to get help, he may get to a place where he feels he can make his own decisions again. That little voice that tells him he’s still in control is a dangerous one though. There’s a reason that so many recovery groups exist, because it’s only in the context of community that someone can determine whether his thinking is correct, or if he’s simply engaging in stinking thinking again.

Watching certain movies or engaging with certain friends are just a few examples of how a man in recovery may think he’s in control. He might stay away from movies that have sex scenes in early recovery, but once he feels like his recovery is stronger, he may feel like he can handle it again. Usually, he can’t, and the compromise of this choice can cause relapse. There might be certain friends that encouraged his sexual acting out and so he avoids them for a while, but he begins to think things have changed, and he can handle spending time with those friends again. Probably not a good idea, as the old life isn’t where he wants to go. His new friends and connections with group members will continue to encourage him towards his new life.

Exercise is a very practical area in which a person in recovery may experience stinking thinking. If someone is working recovery, going to groups and staying on a strong plan of action, they may think they don’t need to include physical exercise in their recovery. The excuse is that they don’t have any time for it and may think it is a very valid reason. Taking responsibility for your physical health has rewards, just as there are rewards to working a plan of recovery from addiction.

For all of these situations and more, thinking responsibly and getting out of wrong thinking requires wisdom and discernment. Watching and learning from where others have been, what led them into traps, and how to avoid getting stuck in the first place is all part of the type of change needed to live a life of redemption. Planning to keep others involved in the decision-making process is vital to staying on a healthy path of recovery.

Joining a Life Recovery Group focused on sexual addiction may be a very smart choice for a man who is focused on checking his thinking in with others. To stay away from wrong decisions is as simple as expressing those decisions to those around him and making sure he’s thinking correctly.

When Jesus walked the earth, He directed the focus off of the “good” people doing “good” things and redirected people’s focus on to God. The religious leaders were pointing to the rules; Jesus pointed to Himself, through whom relationships are restored to God. A person struggling with sex addiction has a lot in common with those religious leaders. Outwardly, he wants others to think that he’s following all of the rules and regulations. Especially in a religious or church setting, it’s easy to hide behind a mask of doing all of the right things. Internally, the struggle is real and is destroying his life.

A healthy, growing faith is always focused on the person of God Himself, not on cheap substitutes. A healthy faith begins and ends in God, not in rules, regulations, and sheer duty. Jesus Christ, not religion, is at the core of a robust Christian faith. It’s here that a man who is beginning his recovery journey has to really focus and allow God to change him. Men can either insist on performing and conforming out of obligation and can try to feel good by chalking up good deeds, but in the end, it’s simply a thin covering that will inevitably fall apart.

To come out of this mindset, a man has to work on loving God with all of his heart, mind, and soul. Through spending time in the Word, in prayer, and in fellowship with other believers, a man can experience this love and come to know Jesus intimately. He can stop hiding behind religious facades and surrender his life and allow Jesus to meet him right where he is. He can focus on leaning on Jesus, connecting with others, and working his recovery one day at a time. This is the refocusing process. This is where true recovery resides.

Once a man realizes that recovery is not only about himself, but about transparency to those around him, he’ll be on the way to a transformed life. Surrendering to Christ’s love and acceptance, he’ll begin to grow closer to Him and to others in his life, such as a spouse or his friends. Getting involved in a fellowship of other men on this same path of recovery, such as joining a Sustained Victory Group, will encourage him to continue on in this new journey of faith.

Refocusing on Jesus, not simply being “good”, will turn the trajectory of a man’s life around from heading towards destruction to heading towards real love and life. There is no greater reward than in the recovery journey.

When someone is stuck in addiction, they think they know what is best. But remarkably, God frequently intervenes, humbles them, and shows them that He knows what is best.

Life Recovery Step Six requires one to be “ready to have God remove these defects of character.” So, Step Seven is even more challenging because it involves taking action; it says, “We humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.” Without a doubt, Step Seven is hard—it takes relinquishing pride.

In Step Seven, one must ask God to remove the shortcomings they’ve identified and accepted in the previous steps. Any defects removed must be replaced with humility—this step involves a commitment to honesty.

If anyone had a problem with honesty, it was King Nebuchadnezzar in the Bible. He had a severe problem with pride that cost him his sanity—he needed to learn a lesson in humility. His mental illness caused him to roam the pastures outside the palace and chew grass like a cow for seven years. Talk about an extreme act of mercy!

After paying the price for his pride, the once self-sufficient and self-centered king said, “Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and exalt and glorify the King of heaven, because everything He does is right and all His ways are just. And those who walk in pride He is able to humble” (Daniel 4:37 NIV).

In this confession, three things are vital to point out, the words: “everything,” and “all,” and the phrase “His ways.” These words speak to the king’s new understanding of God’s control and the choice He gives everyone struggling with an addiction to make: Do I go God’s way or my way?

To do things God’s way, an addict must admit they have a problem with a chemical, porn, food, gambling, shopping, codependency, hoarding, or another addiction. Is it difficult? Yes. It’s hard because many individuals have been turning to faulty patterns and self-medicating habits to cope. But in Step Seven, they must strip away their denial, self-centeredness, pride, ego, and other defects to move forward. To learn more about how to move forward, attend a Life Recovery Group.

God sees, hears, and answers anyone who approaches Him humbly. Always. Here’s a promise to cling to:

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him. – 1 John 5:14-15 NLT

by Steve Arterburn

Many children are taught to stuff their emotions down. They’re often told to stop crying. And if they do reveal their feelings, anger is the emotion that surfaces, usually in the form of a big tantrum. This might’ve worked as a child—it doesn’t work as an adult. Yet, some adults still haven’t learned to deal with the wounds causing their outbursts.

If someone doesn’t repair the damage done to them, they repeat it. For example, parenting will trigger unprocessed emotions from childhood. Just ask any parent! Adulting, many times, displays the unhealed wounds of the past, even if someone isn’t a parent. Recognizing there is healing to be done is the first step to a better life. Reactive emotions are a good indicator that something needs processed and healed so that it isn’t controlling the present.

One of the best examples in the Bible of this is the story of David reacting to Nabal in 1 Samuel 25. While running from Saul, David crossed paths with Nabal, a wealthy landowner. It was common for a landowner to help the men who guarded his property. So Nabal should not have been surprised by David’s request for help (vs. 4-9).

But Nabal, whose name means “fool,” insulted David when he said, “Who does this son of Jesse think he is?” (v. 10, NLT). After hearing Nabal’s put-downs and insults, David reacted out of anger by preparing 400 of his men to attack Nabal (vs. 12-13). Thankfully, Nabal’s wife, Abigail, intervened by sending supplies (vs. 18–19).

Why did David react so abruptly? It wasn’t the first time he had been hurt. When David was a young man, he was not even invited to the consecration by Samuel—an event that David’s father and all his brothers attended. It was not until Samuel asked for David that he was anointed as the next king (1 Sam. 16:1-13). Undoubtedly, David reacted so strongly to Nabal because it brought up past, unhealed wounds.

Like David, many people bury wounds such as feelings of:

• worthlessness
• failure
• rejection
• disappointment

When children react to their pain, it is obvious. As adults, pain usually gets stuffed or numbed by various substitutes for healing like alcohol, drugs, porn, or several other things. The pain can no longer be ignored. No matter how long these wounds have been buried, they’ll come out eventually in the form of anger, rage, or another emotion. It may be obvious to others; yet, unless there is an effort to heal the wounds of the past, they will continue to impact the present and future in ways that may become worse than the initial wound.

Seeing a New Life Counselor Network licensed therapist will help get to the root of the pain and begin to repair the damage done so it will not be repeated. Don’t let the past determine the present. Experience a new life!

Reality vs. Fantasy.

In a healthy relationship, each person is aware of their strengths and weaknesses. There is no need to hide, nor is there a need to pretend that problems don’t exist as each partner accepts the other. In contrast, unhealthy relationships live in a fantasy world. Neither partner reveal their true selves; both hide. If one person in a relationship is always trying to change the other, the relationship is a facade.

Completing vs. Finding Completion.

In a healthy relationship, each person finds joy in sharing in the other person’s growth. Two people can work toward completing each other by meeting each other’s needs. But in an unhealthy relationship, the focus is on completion for oneself. It is codependency. And sadly, too many people expect someone else to complete them. However, it never works. Eventually, they move on to another relationship or addiction.

Friendship vs. Victimization.

A healthy relationship has often been described as two good friends becoming better friends. True friendship is the foundation of a thriving relationship—including passionate marriages. But when true friendship is absent, the relationship is shallow and may be marked by victimization. When one plays the role of a victim, the relationship suffers.

Sacrifice vs. Demand for Sacrifice.

Nothing strengthens a connection like sacrifice. No relationship can grow without giving up oneself for the good of another. God Himself gave His only Son, Jesus Christ, to pay the penalty for sin. Most people, though, are more accustomed to demanding from others rather than giving of themselves. Because of this, people remain stuck in unhealthy relationships.

Forgiveness vs. Resentment.

A relationship flourishes when both partners are willing to forgive past hurts and disappointments. Unforgiveness causes resentment and leads to carrying baggage from past wounds. Each person in a healthy relationship releases their baggage by forgiving. Of course, for reconciliation to occur, the offender must be repentant and show a change on their end. But forgiveness helps a relationship because both parties no longer bring up—or resent—past issues that are no longer a problem.

Security vs. Fear.

These days, security is a rare commodity. If someone was insecure as a child, they might still live in fear as an adult. The Bible says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18). A healthy relationship drives out fear. So, when someone focuses on others’ needs and not their own, they find love and calm their fears. Relationships where both parties find security are the healthiest.

Vulnerability vs. Defensiveness.

In a secure environment, a person can be vulnerable. But in a relationship characterized by fear, just the opposite happens—each person builds up a wall. With an unsafe partner, one must protect themselves or be violated, robbed of their identity, controlled, or smothered. A safe relationship allows each partner to be who they are and how God created them to be.

Honesty vs. Deception.

Honesty is a must-have for a healthy relationship; there is no substitute for it. No lasting, healthy relationship can be built on a foundation of dishonesty. Don’t keep any secrets—whether it’s addiction or a betrayal—because they will destroy a relationship. Instead, find accountability by going to a Life Recovery Group. Without honesty, intimacy in a relationship is impossible.

by Steve Arterburn

Read more about Steve.

First, parents should start by putting relational deposits in their teen’s emotional bank account.

These deposits can make teens feel loved and accepted even amid complex discipline issues. A parent can make deposits by hugging them, telling them “I love you,” speaking with a gentle voice, and hanging out together.

At the same time, parents should avoid making relational withdrawals from their teen’s emotional bank account. Relational withdrawals teach kids that nothing is ever good enough for mom or dad, resulting in kids giving up or acting out. Here are some things to avoid: nagging, belittling, criticizing, and screaming.

Second, parents should affirm their teen whenever possible.

What’s the reason some children make it and others don’t? Usually, it’s having at least one caring adult who affirms them. Even if a parent struggles with their teen, they should still believe in them. Parents can make an enormous difference in their teen’s life by affirming them, praising them, and believing in the person they can become.

Third, parents can create a home environment of warmth and affection.

Let’s say a parent has some behavior issues to discuss with their teenager when they get home from school. Instead of yelling or screaming, a parent can take their child out for their favorite food. Spend time talking. Keep the conversation warm and friendly. Lovingly address a couple of the core issues. Then, hug and thank them for their time together.

Will a parent still struggle with their teen? From time to time, yes. Are boundaries still necessary? Yes. But after hang-out time with their teen, a parent has a better rapport and will be more likely to connect with their teen on challenging behavior issues. If this sounds overwhelming, see a licensed counselor in the New Life Counselor Network for help.

No matter what, a parent must not withhold emotional support from their teen. They need to keep telling their teen that they love them—even if it’s hard. A parent can challenge their teen to become all that God has created them to be. But loving a teen is more than expressing feelings or words; it has much to do with action. Teens are looking to their parents for encouragement and affirmation through their words and actions.

1 John 3:18 (NLT) says, “Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.”

Finally, the most important thing to do is pray! God is faithful and will never stop working in a teen’s life; His timing is perfect. Never give up on a teen or stop loving them—instead, pray for opportunities to love them as Christ does.

by Jim Burns

Read more about Jim.

1. Make health a priority.
   A familiar saying states, “If you don’t make time for your wellness, you’ll be forced to make time for your illness.” If living a healthy lifestyle has not ranked very high up until this point, there’s no time like the present to make healthy living take precedence. See the doctor regularly. Make sure to eat a nutritious, well-balanced diet. If needed, add supplements. And participate in activities—get a new hobby or take a class—to keep the brain in good shape.
2. Build and maintain relationships.
   Having solid relationships make a significant impact on overall wellness. If going out is hard, get active on social media. According to Pew Research, one-third of Americans over 65 use social media. Feeling connected to others can ward off loneliness and prevent feeling isolated. New Life Ministries has Life Recovery Groups that meet online and in person. Find one and start building safe relationships today.
3. Establish boundaries.
   Setting boundaries create healthy and safe relationships. There are three steps to take. (1). Identify the issue. (2). Communicate the boundary. (3). If the boundaries aren’t respected, follow through with consequences. This may be a new experience, but it can have great rewards. A licensed counselor can help with understanding and establishing boundaries.
4. Live an active lifestyle.
   Exercise is vital. Experts suggest 30-minutes of aerobic exercise each day. If this seems overwhelming, take it one step at a time! Start by taking a 10-minute walk each day; then, build up enough strength to walk for 30 minutes. To be consistent, find a friend or neighbor to walk, swim, or bicycle with.
5. Lower stress.
   Identify what is causing the stress. Is it a decline in health? Family problems? Mental health issues? Financial struggles? Knowing the root cause of the stress is crucial to figuring out how to eliminate it. Write down the problems and what hasn’t worked to solve them. Talk with a licensed counselor or a coach in the New Life Network to find a solution.
6. Stand against mistreatment and abuse.
   According to the National Council on Aging (NCOA), one in 10 Americans 60 or older will experience abuse. But sadly, most abuse goes unreported. If abuse does occur, report it. Let a counselor, doctor, nurse, home health worker, or social worker know—they are required, by law, to report it. If in immediate danger, contact the police. Keep a record and date of all incidents. Emotional and verbal abuse is harmful, even if it’s not physical abuse.
7. Cultivate a deeper relationship with God.
   Just as it takes work for couples and friends to keep their relationship strong, developing a closer relationship with the Lord involves effort too. Spending time reading the Bible daily and praying are two must-have spiritual disciplines. Meeting regularly with the body of Christ—the church—in worship, study, and finding accountability with others who share the same faith go far to helping anyone live their best life.
8. Plan one thing every day that brings joy.
   There’s nothing like having something to look forward to each day. It could be spending time with the grandkids, meeting a friend for coffee, or volunteering at church—whatever it is, schedule one activity a day that brings joy. The benefits of waking up each morning and having something to do are huge.

If aging has been anything but graceful, don’t go through this season of life alone. New Life Ministries has a network of licensed counselors, certified coaches, and Life Recovery Groups to connect with. Please call 800-NEW-LIFE.

1. Accept the past.
Because every person is an imperfect human being who lacks perfect control over their thoughts, they may allow themselves to become stuck in the past—even though they know better. But the sooner they face reality, the sooner they will be able to move on.

2. Let go of the pain.
Sadly, many people can’t let go of the pain from the past. So, they dig it up again and again with predictably unfortunate consequences. A better way is to meet with a licensed counselor and talk to them about the pain from the past. By discovering the root of the pain, it’s possible to begin the process of healing.

3. Forgive others.
For many, making peace with the past is difficult indeed. Why? Part of the problem has to do with forgiveness. When a person finds themselves focusing too intently on the past, it’s a sure sign that they need to focus, instead, on a more urgent need: the need to forgive those who’ve hurt them.

4. Learn from yesterday.
If someone has endured a difficult past, they must learn from it—not live in it. No amount of anger or bitterness can change what happened. Tears, regrets, and worries won’t change yesterday, either. Instead, ask questions such as “What can I learn from the past?” “What part did I play?” “How can I grow from what I went through?”

5. Treasure today.
One of the biggest problems of living in the past is that it keeps a person from experiencing joy in the present. Go to a New Life Intensive Workshop and learn how to get rid of any anger, bitterness, and resentment. Then, look for—and be grateful for—God to bring blessings every day.

6. Trust God with tomorrow.
A child of God is no longer bound to their past or who they were; they are a brand-new creature in Christ Jesus. 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT) says, “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!”

For help to move past life’s roadblocks, please know New Life has many resources! Call 800-NEW-LIFE to find a licensed counselor or a Life Recovery Group.

by Steve Arterburn

If someone is stuck in addiction and wants to be free finally, what’s the one thing that God requires from them? Humility.

Oswald Chambers, the early twentieth-century preacher and theologian described humility as “the great characteristic of a saint.”

But many people who struggle with unhealthy habits have a hard time with humility. They believe they must do everything perfectly to recover from addiction and stay sober. But this type of perfectionistic thinking can be overwhelming—it makes individuals think they must do everything themselves and do it perfectly, or they will quit altogether. Instead of doing recovery perfectly all by oneself, Step Six requires humility because one must be “ready to have God remove these defects of character.”

There are two ways a person can become humble enough to be ready for God to remove their defects.

First, one becomes humble by surrendering to God. For an individual to be ready to have God “remove the defects of character” from their life, as Life Recovery Step Six says, they must be willing to humble themselves to God and give everything over to Him. James 4:10 (New Living Translation, NLT) says, “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.” Through humility, one can submit to the Lord and surrender to Him. Then, God will do His part by removing their shortcomings and struggles to mold them into the person He designed them.

Second, one becomes humble by seeking accountability with safe people. Proverbs 27:17 (NLT) says, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” A person struggling with addiction must be in healthy relationships with individuals who support their healing and growth. Some simple ways to do this are to attend a Life Recovery Group weekly, meet with a Christian counselor, and find at least one safe person to be a sponsor or accountability partner.

Living a life of humility doesn’t mean an individual won’t struggle with temptation from time to time. But if they do find themselves relapsing, they can humble themselves and turn back to God to get back on track.

Sobriety happens moment by moment, step by step, and one day at a time. Humility doesn’t automatically take away the urge to turn to an unhealthy habit or addiction, but it enables a person in recovery to submit to God no matter their circumstances. While being accountable to others doesn’t guarantee sobriety tomorrow, it provides enough strength so that the person struggling with an addiction can be sober today.

by Steve Arterburn

The below provides some general ideas for thinking through how to create and apply boundaries. Each person should think about what concrete expression these might take in their own lives and what additional boundaries need to be included.

Watching less media, especially at certain times of the day.

In today’s culture, media consumption is everything. While TV, movies, and YouTube aren’t bad in themselves, a man in recovery may realize they can affect him by lowering his guard to acting out. Especially at night, or when there’s no one around, it may be a good idea to turn the TV or phone off and focus on something constructive.

Removing distractions when traveling.

If a man travels for work often, there are certain simple boundaries he can implement to safeguard himself. If having to do work at night, he can leave his personal laptop at home and only use his work laptop. He can also unplug the TV during his stay in the hotel room. Little things like these can be helpful and can add up to a big difference for staying focused.

Never being alone with a woman who isn’t one’s wife or girlfriend.

This will mostly play out at church or in social settings, but if an affair has been part of one’s past struggle, then it would be wise to keep multiple people involved when having conversations with the opposite sex. In work settings, simple things like inviting a third co-worker, or just keeping the office door open, will help alleviate any unnecessary temptations.

Not keeping secrets of any kind.

Men may think that keeping small secrets from wives or friends won’t hurt anyone, but this is the same thinking that led them into a double life of sexual sin. In recovery, it’s best to not keep any secrets, no matter how small they may feel, even if they’re not related to sexual integrity. Practicing honesty and transparency rebuilds trust with wives and friends.

Saying ‘no’ when asked to do things on weekends that don’t involve the whole family.

Spending time with one’s family is paramount in a healthy life of recovery. Sexual addiction is extremely isolating and takes men away from being the husbands, fathers, or sons that they are meant to be. Family relationships need restoration through time spent together.

Never making a significant financial decision without first consulting one’s wife or mentor.

Financial decisions feel powerful, especially when a man makes them of his own accord and outside of anyone else’s authority. In recovery, these sweeping decisions need to be brought to a wife or trusted mentor first, or that feeling of power may lapse into a struggle with secretive sin.

Formulating and committing to personal boundaries forces one to take honest stock of their life, both practically and spiritually. It means counting the cost of what it will take to build a solid spiritual life and adjusting expectations to match the reality of being God’s man. For resources and help with creating healthy boundaries, call 800-NEW-LIFE.

This is such a beautiful step on the road of recovery, but it doesn’t guarantee an easier life. In fact, life may feel harder as a result of giving up the perceived control that one thought they had. There will still inevitably be problems. Difficulties at work with a boss or co-worker are bound to come up. Mistrust by one’s wife, especially if there has been a recent discovery of sexual sin, will have to be worked through. One’s children or extended family may be going through hardships that affect the emotional balance of everyone’s mental state. In short, life is not paused when a man gets into recovery. He still has to deal with the everyday stresses of life. If these pressures aren’t released to God, they will wear a man down before he gets very far on his journey.

In his letter to the church at Philippi, the apostle Paul laid out a strategy to help people deal with the troubles of daily life. He wrote: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7 NLT). Through Paul, God is saying that difficulty, worry, and anxiety are no match for His peace and care.

These verses give the image of a guard patrolling one’s heart and mind. When the guard of prayer is in place, it will keep out the pressing anxieties of life. If this guard isn’t in place, pain and worry will result. There are difficulties that may seem impossible through natural eyes; but with prayer, they become bearable only with God’s help.

As a man makes the decision to turn to the care of God, he has to examine the pressures that are weighing on him. Is he talking to God about them or just numbing himself with the things of this world? Step 3 is not just a one-time decision to release one’s life over to God. A man has to continually release his worries and specific needs to God. Then God will, in turn, protect him and give him the peace that passes all understanding.

To help with this process, Sustained Victory Coaching Groups meet each week and can help a man in recovery continue to turn his life over to God, instead of worrying about it. Only then will he find the peace he’s looking for.

Being able to bond with others is a deep need everyone has. But if someone cannot connect, there may be some reasons why.

First, a person who struggles to bond may not validate another’s experiences. Everyone needs to know that someone understands how they feel and their reality. Making this connection with each other is empathy.

When a person feels a certain way, they need to know that others validate their experience, meaning they understand how it is for them. A person needs to be listened to and understood, not quickly being thrown under the bus for how they feel and think. Proverbs 18:13 (NIV) says, “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.” Research has shown that some of the most severe emotional disorders come from having one’s emotions being misunderstood.

For instance, let’s say someone shares something terrible that happened to them. Instead of saying, “Oh, that wasn’t so bad,” a better way to bond is to say, “Sounds like that was very difficult for you.” This is an example of an empathetic statement that inspires a stronger connection.

Second, a person who struggles to bond may be emotionally detached. To be emotionally detached is to be out of touch with one’s feelings and unable to be emotionally present in a relationship. In other words, as the saying goes, “The lights are on, but nobody is home.” It can be a killer to intimacy because it feels to the other party that they are alone, even though someone is there.

The Bible says that to love God involves the heart and the mind. When someone is out of touch with their feelings and cannot express them to another person, intimacy is blocked because their heart is far away.

To feel close, one must be present emotionally. A person’s needs, vulnerabilities, fears, pain, and tender feelings must be communicated and expressed. When someone is detached from emotions and can’t express them, the other person cannot feel the kind of connection they need to feel accepted, understood, and validated. Intimacy involves the heart; intimacy also involves the mind. Attending a New Life Intensive Workshop can help someone get back in touch with their emotions.

As David said, God desires truth in the “innermost being” (Ps. 51:6, NASB). But when someone can validate other people’s experiences and is in touch with their own deep feelings and innermost parts, they can bond and deepen their relationships.

by Dr. Henry Cloud

When Jesus began His public ministry at about thirty years of age, He left the security of home for the uncertainties of life on the road. But during His travels, there was one place he loved to visit: that little house in the village of Bethany where His friends Martha, Mary, and Lazarus lived.

The three were siblings, and Jesus loved them. The sisters sent a message to Jesus that Lazarus was sick, but by the time Jesus arrived, Lazarus was dead, and they were mourning his death. Martha and Mary rushed out to meet Jesus and expressed their frustration that He hadn’t come earlier.

The Bible explains that when Jesus saw how sad the sisters and other mourners were, “a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled” (John 11:33, NLT).

Jesus was sad because of Mary and Martha’s grief and Lazarus’ suffering. Also, He was angry because He, Jesus, who created life, was dealing with death—a stark contradiction of everything that He is and stands for. As Jesus openly cried and showed his feelings and sadness for His friend, this prompted onlookers to say, “See how much he loved him” (v. 36).

What do Jesus’ tears teach?

It’s important for one to express feelings associated with grieving to God. They show that as Jesus wept over the loss of a loved one, it’s normal and healthy to express emotions to God. Consider the Psalms; many of the psalms are written about pouring out one’s heart to God. Although the psalm sometimes starts with grief, they often end with gratitude and praise (See Psalm 13: Psalm 23; Psalm 30; Psalm 56).

Another thing they teach is how important it is to share grief with others. God calls the body of Christ to “weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15). Often, many grieving people tend to shun others, becoming isolated and depressed. It is much healthier to seek counseling and go to a Life Recovery Group. A group offers encouragement, community, and hope to work through the grief.

When someone shares their grief with God and others, suffering is still hard, but it will lessen it. Whether grieving the loss of a loved one or another type of loss, please prayerfully consider going to New Life’s Transforming Grief Intensive Workshop.

by Steve Arterburn

If a man coming out of sexual addiction will continue on the path of humility and healing, then his life will begin to get better. The consequences will start to subside. He may begin to regain trust with his wife. He’ll have boundaries and accountability in place that will prevent him from going back to his old secrets. It’s during this time of life getting better, though, that a man might be tempted to think he’s almost arrived at some destination. This is when pride can subtly make its way in.

Pride in its simplest form is seeing oneself as the center of everything. If everything is going well in his life, this man has a choice to make. He’s no longer in a time of forced humility because the pressure has subsided, at least for now. He can either continue to choose to walk in humility, or turn inward and let pride take over. This will inevitably lead him right back to his sexual sin.

The answer to this choice is found by looking to Jesus. He is the primary example of what the life of true humility looks like. One should seek to have an attitude like His, particularly in the way He relinquished His will to the Father. Though He was truly God, He didn’t demand or cling to His rights as God. Instead, He made Himself as nothing. In His incarnation and life on earth, He took the humble position of a suffering servant. He lived in perfect obedience, yet died a criminal’s death on a cross.

Because of this humility, the Father raised Christ from death to sit at His right hand, a position of absolute honor, glory, and power. The progression of His life is very important: Jesus’ humiliation preceded and precipitated His exaltation. Humility was a key element in Jesus’ life as He accomplished the Father’s will for fallen humanity. If a man is to surrender his life to God and His will, he needs to be humble as well. Jesus didn’t pray solely for His own will. He humbly prayed for His Father’s will to be done. In the same way, men need to pray for God’s will in their lives, not their own. This is the mark of true humility and the beginning of real spiritual renewal.

A spiritual renewal birthed out of humility is the only answer to pride’s lurking presence. A man on the path of recovery needs constant reminders of where he’s going. A Certified Christian Coach can provide him with the tools he needs to continue on this path. If he follows the example of Jesus, he’ll continue to see a life of humility, causing the pull of sexual sin to subside.

But there is a tool called a thought record that can reduce anxiety. A thought record can help people identify automatic negative thoughts and check to see if their thinking falls into one of the many distortions that increase stress, such as catastrophizing. How it works is that a person will write down an alternative balanced thought which states the truth.

For example, let’s say a person thinks that if they try to go to a Life Recovery Group to connect with others, it will be terrible. This would be an example of catastrophizing because they’ve already determined how something will be a disaster beforehand.

Instead of catastrophizing, a balanced thought would be: “When I’ve tried to go to a group in the past, sometimes it hasn’t gone so well. But this time, I will go to at least three meetings and try to connect with at least one person there.”

The value in making sure one’s thinking is balanced is immeasurable because a person’s thinking patterns strongly affect their feelings and actions.

How can one construct a thought record? They can create their thought record by taking a sheet of paper and dividing it into four columns:

1. In the first column, write the automatic negative thought.
2. In the second column, write the evidence supporting the automatic negative thought.
3. In the third column, write the evidence that does not support the automatic negative thought.
4. In the fourth column, write a balanced thought to replace it with.

The goal of keeping a thought record is to learn to adjust one’s thinking into a closer alignment with the truth automatically.

Writing and examining anxious thoughts can be very helpful. Often, when someone has anxious thoughts just whirling around in their head, rather than turning to an addictive habit or substance to soothe them, it helps tremendously to get anxious thoughts down on paper.

Finally, as John 8:32 (NKJ) says, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.”

by Dottie Pickett

Addictions and unhealthy patterns hold a person back from living a life of freedom that God designed for them to live. But when they see how their actions have hurt others and tell those whom they’ve hurt that they’re sorry, their life will transform for the better. And going through Life Recovery Step Five is the key to a person in recovery experiencing the relief their soul craves.

What is Life Recovery Step Five? Life Recovery Step Five states, “We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

Because sin likes to hide in the darkness and silence, confession brings sin into the light so that it has no more power. James, the half-brother of Jesus and a leader in the early church, knew this. In the book of James, he encourages confessing sins to one another—not just confessing shortcomings silently to God. James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

But after a lifetime of keeping secrets in the dark, living in a prison of addiction, and being isolated, confession is often the last thing an addict would want to do. So, how should an addict begin to implement confession into their life?

First, an addict must confess any past offenses against God and others. Because unconfessed sin erects barriers in a vertical relationship with God and a horizontal relationship with others, confession and forgiveness break down those walls and allow God’s love and power to flow freely in a relationship.
Second, an addict must confess any ongoing struggles. Although a person is forgiven once and for all by the grace that comes through faith in Jesus Christ, confessing daily trials and temptations to others can provide the support, accountability, assurance, and perspective to move forward in their healing. When someone is honest with themselves and opens their heart to a trusted friend, pastor, or licensed counselor, it can be a step toward experiencing the freedom of forgiveness.

After someone confesses their sins to God and another person, sin has no more control over them. Christ removes them from the prison of sin that they once lived in. And they are on their way to living a life free from addiction. For help to find a support system or to learn more about confession to receive healing, attend a Life Recovery Group online or in person. And begin the journey toward growth and healing in a safe community.

Tired of living in the prison of addiction? Confession is the key. It brings power to the powerless. Hope to the hopeless. And freedom to those in bondage.

– Steve Arterburn

Several days ago the following comments were made in my office: ‘I was enjoying a serious conversation with my son when his cell phone rang and instead of letting it go to voice mail he answered it. He spent ten minutes talking to someone else. I was infuriated! After he hung up I told him that he was rude, that he didn’t care about me, and that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him if he was going to treat me like that.’

The man who made these comments is a 60-year-old man who is trying to re-establish a relationship with his 40-year-old son. He has a long history of addictive behaviors with alcohol, marijuana, and multiple affairs. Now, after a lifetime of avoiding emotional intimacy with his family, my client is coming to realize the importance of relationships. Yet, at the first indication of conflict or devaluation, he was willing to throw out all that he had worked for with his son.

Certainly he had justification to be hurt. His son was acting rudely by spending so much time with the person who was calling on the phone. The message received by my client was that the caller was more important. But the message explicitly conveyed in anger from father to son was that the whole relationship was being terminated. As he related this story to me in my office, I was struck by the fact that he was still serious about ending the relationship, even after several days to cool down. People are just not that important to him. His relationships with alcohol, marijuana, and sex have been far more loyal over the years than his interpersonal relationships with people.

If we are made in God’s image, and we were made to be in relationship with Him, then the need for interpersonal relationships is woven into the very fabric of our being. Turning to a pseudo relationship with ‘things’ rather than people is like trying to spend your life using counterfeit money. It seems to work at first, but such a life is based on lies and deception, and it always catches up with you. Substituting objectifying sex for true intimacy is no different than using counterfeit money.

When people have become the source of pain, either unresolved pain from the past and/or pain in the here-and-now, the allure of ‘things’ becomes so much greater. It can be argued that obsessive preoccupation with any material thing is actually a smokescreen, a way of avoiding painful wounds of past relationships. Giving up the things of this world, whether it is drugs, sex, food, material things like a new car, or even some relationships, will expose us to that which we are running from and trying to avoid at all costs.

In those moments of exposure, do you find yourself in places of safety, or, do you find yourself in places where you will be hurt again? To open up and talk about the pain with someone who has been deeply hurt by you might not be the best place to start. You’ll only confirm the belief that people are too dangerous and intimacy is an illusion. To face deep emotional pain without preparation, planning, and support is a recipe for catastrophe. Your wife and family deserve better. It would be like trying to save someone who is drowning when neither of you can swim.

Don’t let the things of this world STOP YOU from taking care of yourself!

Therapy, Every Man’s Battle conferences, and even trustworthy friends may be the best place to start the recovery process, rather than with a wife or relatives who are already hurt and emotionally invested in you. The chances of your successful recovery will improve dramatically if you seek ongoing support and help from people who have been where you are now.

People are more important than things, and that includes you too. Don’t let the things of this world stop you from taking care of yourself in the way that promotes healing, better relationships, and a closer walk with the Lord.

For more help, consider attending one of our Weekend Workshops or call 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433) for more information on Every Man’s Battle.

What’s one of the hardest words in the Bible to hear? Forgiveness.

It’s painful for most people because it involves releasing someone who has hurt them. However, when someone holds onto their hurts, it is a burden that becomes very heavy. But when people learn to forgive themselves and others, it lightens their load.

Jesus came to provide a way to receive forgiveness for sins. One can be free from the weight of their regrets and mistakes, and yet, they can still struggle with the idea of extending that same release to others. They either want justice or revenge. And the offender should understand the pain they caused those they’ve hurt.

The word forgive is thrown around as if it is cheap and easy. What Jesus did on the cross to allow forgiveness to happen was not easy. He suffered greatly. But He made the hard choice and wants every person to do the same. Notice, forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. If someone waits until they feel like forgiving, it will never happen—and they will be carrying the burden forever.

Many people erroneously believe that forgiveness is a one-time action that “lets perpetrators off the hook.” Forgiveness, though, is a process that starts with identifying the wound. If a person is not aware of what is hurting them, it is tough to seek healing for it.

Next, a person needs to confess anything that has become a sin concerning the memory of the experience. Bitterness, anger, revenge, and selfishness must be acknowledged when disclosing. Forgiveness is not for the offender—it’s for the victim. If a person is wounded but confesses their sin first, they are making space for the Holy Spirit to fill them and heal their hurt.

Finally, a follower of Christ has the Holy Spirit living inside them. He sings over those whom He has redeemed (see Zephaniah 3:17). And they are sealed with the Holy Spirit. They can ask the Holy Spirit to make them the person God designed them to be from the beginning. They are a treasure and bring glory, honor, and pleasure to God when they forgive others.

A lack of forgiveness hurts a lot of people. It removes the person who refused to forgive from relationships with others, themselves, and God. Choosing to forgive those who have wronged them allows God to be bigger than the hurt. He wants to bring each person healing and freedom. More than that, He wants them back in a relationship with Him. Learn to forgive through the help of counselor in the New Life Counselor Network.

Never forget that forgiveness removes burdens from one’s back, gives them over to God, and lighten their load.

When someone does a personal inventory, there’s an enormous amount of pain involved. Why? Because it’s painful for a person to come to terms with how they’ve harmed themselves and others. So, out of all the 12 Steps, Step Four is often one of the most challenging steps.

Life Recovery Step Four says, “We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

It won’t be easy as a person takes stock of their life. Making a moral inventory involves writing down all the things they have done that have hurt themselves or others. These things may bother them—and they want to forget them. Thinking about the past and writing it down might be the last things someone wants to do.

But, after examining and repenting from the past through the help of a licensed counselor and a Life Recovery Group, one can find joy.

One of the best examples of this in the Bible is when the Jewish exiles returned to Jerusalem after the Babylonian Captivity. After rebuilding the city walls and the temple, the priests gathered the people to read the Book of the Law. Not surprisingly, they had lost touch with God. And they didn’t know His laws—so naturally, they hadn’t practiced them either. Then, the people were so overwhelmed with grief that they began sobbing because they did not measure up.

The priests said, “Don’t mourn or weep on such a day as this! For today is a sacred day before the LORD your God…Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks, and share gifts of food with people who have nothing prepared . . . for the joy of the LORD is your strength!” (Nehemiah 8:9-10, NLT).

That day marked the beginning of Sukkot, also known as the Festival of Tabernacles, a required Jewish feast that celebrated their escape from bondage in Egypt and God’s care for them while they wandered in the wilderness. But after they assessed where they were at in their relationship with God, they could reconnect with Him and grow in relationship with Him.

Like the Jews who returned to Jerusalem out of captivity, someone who makes a moral inventory will receive the “joy of the Lord” to give them strength. This joy comes from recognizing and celebrating God’s ability to bring them out of bondage and care for them as they pass through the sadness toward a new way of life.

One must lay down their sadness and face the things that have hurt their heart and others. When they do, they’ll find strength—the joy in the Lord always helps to face the sadness.

by Steve Arterburn

When emotions try to surface, an internal “Emotional Sweeper” moves to action for most men, subconsciously trying to eliminate the perceived threat that emotions present. This Emotional Sweeper attempts to sweep stray emotions back under the surface, where a man thinks they belong.

Especially in recovery from sexual addiction, a man has to be aware of the facets of the Emotional Sweeper that work to inhibit his growth:

Hide and Mask Anger.

When a man is angry, he may feel guilty or ashamed that he’s having that reaction. He’ll want to minimize the anger, but expressing it in a healthy way is crucial to his recovery.

Internalize Pressure.

Whether its pressure from work or family life, a man has to share what he’s feeling with someone he trusts, such as a friend or a counselor. If not, the internal pressure will only intensify.

Bury Losses.

It could be the death of someone close to him, or the death of a dream he’s had for a long time. Losses such as these have to be grieved openly or they will fester internally.

Deny Wounds.

Growing up in one’s family environment, there are always emotional wounds that need to be healed. It may feel like the “manly” thing to do to deny that these exist, but it’s actually hurting a man to not face the reality of the hurt done to him.

Withdraw From Truth.

When presented with truth, men can either accept and learn from it or deny it. Truth is the first catalyst for change and it is vital that a man learns to live in the truth that he’s confronted with.

Deflect Mistakes.

Men tend to not want to face the fact that they can and do make mistakes. With this mindset, any small mistake can seem like a mountain. Instead of pretending that he’s perfect, a man needs grace for himself.

Blame Others.

It’s easy for a man to want to look at others and blame them for the situation that he’s in. Blaming others instead of taking responsibility for his own actions will keep him stuck in the same patterns of living.

Hide Struggles.

A man in recovery has to be honest about his struggles not only with sexual integrity, but also with other difficult things in his life. Then he can find the help he needs.

Push Others Away.

If a man is afraid of being vulnerable, he can easily push others away who want to be involved in his life. The best thing he can do during this time is ask for help from those who care about him the most.

Ignore the Hurt of Others.

If a man is trying to avoid his own emotions, he won’t be able to understand the emotional pain that he’s causing those around him. Understanding how his addiction has harmed others is an important part of the healing process.

New Life Ministries can help a man resist the “Emotional Sweeper” that gets in the way of his recovery. Call 800-NEW-LIFE to learn more about finding a licensed Christian counselor or joining a Sustained Victory Coaching Group.

A man has to be vigilant to not sexualize the relationship, especially when dating someone. If the bridge of sexual activity is crossed prematurely, a man’s reasoning and priorities can quickly become skewed. His desire for sex can become the primary motivation for pursuing the woman that seems like “Ms. Right Now”, when he should actually be looking for “Ms. Right”. Even if he’s not sexualizing the person he’s dating, but he’s secretly looking at pornography or struggling with masturbation, the results will be the same. Eventually he will want to bring sex into the relationship, because he won’t be able to compartmentalize his private acting out for very long.

It is crucial for a man to practice openness during dating. This will help a deep friendship to develop between him and the woman he is pursuing. Having this deep friendship with one’s eventual spouse will provide the emotional spark that can be cultivated as the relationship progresses. If a man cannot be vulnerable and share his deepest needs, dreams, and fears with his girlfriend now, then marriage will not cure him. This is especially true if he’s hiding his involvement with sexual sin outside of the relationship, as there’s nothing to stop him from continuing to hide it once they are married. A man who gets married without having the skills or courage to disclose these very important areas of his life is sure to feel lonely and isolated, which will breed a continual cycle of hiding and shame.

A man can begin this process by taking some risks and starting to share his painful or difficult feelings with the person he’s dating. Women respect men who share their feelings, particularly feelings that are hard to share, or that have been kept secret. Men don’t usually place such a premium upon this need, so if they can develop that shared experience with their girlfriend now, it will help the relationship grow. Most women desire a deeper connection, and will be accepting of a man’s fear and shame, especially if he is honest about his struggles.

This increased level of openness will encourage a man in his fight against sexual addiction and will help him honor and respect the woman he is dating. He can look forward to marriage because couples with secure relationships are far more likely to have highly gratifying sex lives. The special bonds of deep friendship and devoted love for one another that have been built and strengthened before the marriage will help their sexual intimacy to thrive. If he’s unsure where to start, a licensed Christian counselor can help him navigate the process of healthy dating. Even in today’s culture, he can walk in sexual integrity and find his “Ms. Right”.

To ask for forgiveness means that one has to bear the sting of humiliation, they have to admit their failure and become exposed. For a married man dealing with sexual addiction, it brings the uncertainty of knowing whether his wife will be willing and able to overcome the many impediments to forgiving him. This kind of betrayal can cause irreparable damage to a marriage.

As difficult as it may seem to ask for forgiveness, it is even more difficult for a wife to forgive her husband. When a wife begins to forgive her husband, she is giving up her claim to justice. She is letting go of her desire to see her husband get what he deserves for his sexual sin.

While she experiences the painful agony of being betrayed, it may seem to her that he is getting by without this pain. It takes a lot of healing work and a process where she has to trust God with her husband’s recovery and her own healing.

Overall, the occasion for forgiveness has cost her the loss of trust in her husband. Even though she may forgive him for what he did in the past, trusting is about the future. It’s going to take some time for her to be able to trust and invest in him again. This is something he will have to earn through more than verbal reassurances. She needs to see his actions over time.

In cases of sexual betrayal a wife has the heavier emotional load to carry. She has to control intrusive and obsessive thoughts about his behaviors. She has to calm the rage from her pain of rejection and grieve the loss of not having the marriage she thought she had. She has to find a way to restore her sense of self and she has to do all of this while dealing with the difficult issue of forgiving him. It’s a process that costs her dearly.

In contrast, a husband just wants it to be over. He’s admitted his behavior. He’s pledged his fidelity and commitment. He may feel relieved, cleansed, and ready to move on. He thinks it’s in his and her best interest to forgive, trust, and get over it. But it is not in his wife’s best interest to forgive and trust him too quickly because cheap grace does not produce the lasting change he needs.

Though her husband admits and repents of his transgression, she finds it difficult to let it go because she never wants to be hurt like this again. So she protects herself from being vulnerable. The relationship has to work through a restoration process and rebuild safety and trust. It takes longer than expected or desired, but is worth it if both spouses are willing to do the work.

The painful process of forgiveness and restoration will take time and effort, but as a man continues to walk in integrity, he will be helping his wife immensely on her own journey. Joining a recovery group, such as a Sustained Victory Coaching Group, can help a man become the husband to his wife that he’s supposed to be.

For the person who holds onto unforgiveness, the one they’re hurting the most is themselves. One must learn to let go and erase that ledger of debt; then, and only then, will they be released from the pain that has held them captive all these years.

Jesus told a story to address this situation:

A king wanted to make his accounts current. So, one of his debtors, who owed him a million dollars, was brought before him. When the man begged for forgiveness, the king felt pity for him. And he released him and forgave his debt.

After the man left the king, he went to someone who owed him a few thousand dollars. Then, he grabbed him by the throat and demanded payment. The king found out what had happened. And the king called in the man, whom he had forgiven, and said, “You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’“(Matthew 18:22-23)

If someone holds resentment against their offender, they must be willing to surrender it and let it go. When a person looks at the price Jesus paid for them, they should feel compelled to forgive others. Forgiveness will free the victim from the torture of festering resentment.

Writing off the debt that someone owes is only possible when the victim admits their struggle to God, themselves, and another person.

Life Recovery Step Five says, “We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

Don’t know a safe human being? Find someone like a licensed Christian counselor, Life Recovery Group leader, or accountability partner. Next, explain to them what the offender did, talk about any painful emotions, and then begin the process of forgiving. A person can work through forgiveness by writing a letter to the person who offended them. It is unnecessary to send the letter—especially if it isn’t safe. But by writing out difficult emotions on paper, healing can begin.

No one can change what others have done to hurt them, but they can write off their debts by handing the accounting process over to God.

by Steve Arterburn

Regardless of how challenging someone’s circumstances may seem right now—whether it’s addiction, hung up on an unhealthy habit, or pain from the past—it’s never too late to turn to God.

In Life Recovery Step Three, it says, “We made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God.”

How? A person stuck in addiction lives life on their terms and for themselves. But when they decide to turn their will and life over to God, they will begin to find freedom from addiction. So instead of using willpower alone to overcome their struggles, they can use God’s power.

Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, said it best “Our whole problem had been the misuse of our willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into alignment with God’s intention for us.”

Instead of being determined to follow their own selfish way, people must give up the freedom to do as they please and surrender to God’s selfless way as outlined in the Bible. One must stop obeying self and decide to start obeying God. Being in redemptive relationships is the key; a Life Recovery Group is a good place to find community.

One man with a dubious past sacrificed his self-will and dared to surrender to God’s will for his future. Here is his story: Two men, both criminals, were taken by the Romans alongside Jesus for execution. When they got to the place known as The Skulls, they hung both criminals on crosses: One on Jesus’ right, the other on his left. One of the criminals hanging alongside Jesus mocked Him by saying: “So you’re the Messiah, are you? Prove it by saving yourself—and us, too, while you’re at it” (Luke 23:39, NLT).

But the other spoke up for Jesus, saying: “Don’t you fear God even when you have been sentenced to die? We deserve to die for our crimes, but this man hasn’t done anything wrong.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom” (v. 40-42).

“And Jesus replied, ‘I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise’” (v. 43).

The eternal life that awaits the person who turns their life over to God far surpasses any suffering they experience in this life.

by Steve Arterburn

Connect with God.

Spiritual revival is the first order of business for all singles. The single years—whether many or few—are a time to connect with God like none other. Apostle Paul said, “I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible” (1 Corinthians 7:35, NLT). Get to know God more by reading, studying, and worshipping Him.

Connect with friends.

Being single doesn’t mean being alone. Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.” After one becomes a Christian by trusting in Christ, they are part of the body of Christ. Singles play a vital role in encouraging others—and being encouraged—in the body of Christ.

Commit to purity.

Singles must commit their bodies and minds to the Lord to live a pure life. However, purity isn’t easy in this world of friends-with-benefits, dating apps, pornography, social media, movies, and more. But it can help to protect from pain and loss of dignity that often accompanies sex outside of marriage. New Life offers Every Man’s Battle Intensive Workshop to help men fight this battle. And women who are struggling can find accountability in a Life Recovery Group.

Live with passion and purpose.

Singles should ask themselves some questions such as:

• What do I love?
• What am I passionate about?
• What moves me?

Whether it is photography, cooking, writing, painting, music, dancing, sports, medicine, or something else, a single pursuing what they love is usually happier than someone who isn’t.

Serve.

Whatever singles are passionate about, it should inspire them to help others. When passion drives a single to serve, it will give them purpose in life. Enjoy volunteering? Maybe help at a homeless shelter. Is cooking a passion? Perhaps prepare meals for new parents or those who have experienced a loss. God has given every person unique talent and skill—use them to glorify Him.

Exercise body, mind, and soul.

Great joy comes when singles dedicate their minds to studying God’s Word. In addition, it is so rewarding to worship the Lord with one’s body. Exercising is a great way to do this; it can give someone the energy they need to serve God and live a happy, fulfilling life being single.

Need more help on how to be happily single? Please know that New Life has resources, licensed counselors, and Life Recovery Groups. To find out more, call 800-NEW-LIFE. – Kate Clark

What does Eden teach about relationships?

One of the valuable lessons of Eden is that in this imperfect world, every relationship involves two fallen people who aren’t perfect. Whether it’s a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, family member, or friend—no one is perfect. And the sooner someone comes to grips with this reality, the sooner they will have healthier, more satisfying relationships. This is because they can accept the other person for who they are and work together to solve any problems in the relationship.

But for the individual who still wishes they were back in the Garden of Eden where things were perfect, they will:

• Become frustrated when they realize others aren’t perfect.
• Have unrealistic expectations of others.
• Judge and protest the reality of their spouse, partner, or someone else.
• Not be someone safe for others to love and grow alongside in life.

Another lesson to learn from Eden is that the two things that will kill a relationship faster than anything else are perfectionism and narcissism. If there are demands for perfection and the ideal person, love is blocked. Real love can only grow where someone’s authentic self is known and accepted by the other person.

Love grows and thrives as one can see and accept another person as they are. In a relationship, anyone who attempts to control what the other person thinks, feels, wants, does, values, or believes will drive them away and ultimately destroy love. Steve Arterburn once said, “Because God is love, it’s a pretty safe bet that whatever way God loves people is the way that we should try to love them also.”

So, when one person says no to another, the kindest and most loving thing for the other person to do is to listen and respect their no. Abuse is never to be accepted in any relationship. When one has a partner or spouse with different needs, desires, and opinions, they must find a way to work out the differences. Ephesians 5:21 says: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Mutually submitting means working out the differences for the greater good.

Although paradise has been lost and no one lives in the Garden of Eden anymore, never forget that God has made every person in His image. Therefore, everyone should be treated with the dignity and care they deserve. For help with relationships, see a licensed Christian counselor in the New Life Counseling Network.

Why is this? It all comes down to a basic orientation in how one views themselves and others. In other words, since Adam, people have been looking out for number one, which is the surest way to destroy a relationship. People tend to think of themselves first instead of the relationship itself. They are trying to get what they want instead of seeing the needs of others. And because of this self-orientation, they destroy all chances of getting what they want and need, which is love.

Most people think of selfish people as being difficult. But self-centeredness comes closer to the accurate description of a truly selfish person. What it means is that someone views life primarily in terms of themselves.

There is a quote that says, “To interpret any event only in terms of how it affects oneself is to live on the doorstep of Hell.” How true that is!

When one is self-centered, it often guarantees the failure of love. For love is an attachment between two people, and the self-centered person denies the reality of the other. This person sees others as extensions of himself—they exist to make him happy, serve his needs, and regulate his feelings or drives in life. And when they fail to do that by having an existence of their own, he has an adverse reaction, such as anger, withdrawal of love, controlling behavior, or rejection.

This orientation to another person being more of an object for self-gratification than a person makes a genuine attachment impossible. Love requires two people—not one person and an object. To look at every event only in terms of how it affects oneself involves never adapting to the wishes or needs of someone else or sacrificing something for the sake of someone else.

Love is not an easy thing to accomplish in this life. It is complicated because people try to please themselves instead of achieving love; as a result, they lose the love they wanted in the first place. Never forget this: love doesn’t just happen—it takes work. Every person must do the work to avoid the love killer of being self-centered. And never forget the commandment to “Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other” (John 13:34). Anyone struggling to figure out love with their spouse, or soon-to-be spouse, can attend New Life’s Intimacy in Marriage Intensive Workshop.

Dr. Henry Cloud

This same power that brought Jesus out from the grave is the same power that a person stuck in addiction can plug into and bring them to—and help them maintain—sobriety.

If the lamp is not plugged into an outlet, a lightbulb is of little value. Likewise, a person’s life will not shine to their family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors if not connected to God’s power source. It takes work, but the results are well worth it.

One way to plug into God’s power source is to connect to Him by talking to Him daily. This happens through a daily quiet time of prayer. But for the individual in recovery who has gotten away from this habit, it will be only a matter of time before they are tempted to use—which is always crouching around the corner—and fall prey to relapse.

If someone is in recovery, what should they pray for? Sobriety. God will hear an addict’s earnest prayers, and He will be faithful to answer them. Here’s a tip: Pray specifically and passionately. Don’t pray about tomorrow or next week.

Take. It. One. Day. At. A. Time.

So, the person addicted to anything should pray that God will give them the strength to be sober today. Not tomorrow, not next week—today. If a person struggling with their sobriety prays specifically and passionately about their recovery, God will honor those prayers and begin the healing process.

Meditate on what Philippians 2:13 says, “God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.”

Another way to plug into God’s power source is by being in His Word. Whether using a devotional book or just reading a passage in The Life Recovery Bible and thinking about it, always pick out one truth or Bible verse to meditate on throughout the day. Prayer is talking to God; reading the Bible is listening to Him.

It’s incredible how relevant that truth becomes as situations come up. Then again, the same God who raised His Son from the dead and gave Him power is the same God who is vitally interested in a person’s pursuit of recovery and will give them power.

God loves anyone stuck in addiction, but He longs for them to succeed in sobriety.

by Dave Boyle

1. Do one thing differently from the normal routine.

This can actually seem too simple to actually work, but changing one aspect of a man’s daily life will actually encourage him that change is possible. Some ideas are to wake up earlier, go to bed earlier, or eat healthier. He can drive a different way to work. A small change will help disrupt the routine.

2. Begin the day with Scripture.

He can start with verses like, “This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it” (Psalm 118:24), or “Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning” (Lamentations 3:23). Reading the Bible reminds a man that each day is a new opportunity to have a different life, a life focused on God’s plan and purpose.

3. Start the process of addressing what’s been put off.

Maybe he’s been putting off cleaning out the garage. Seems like such a huge task that it can’t possibly get done in one day. If he accepts the fact that it may take multiple days, then he can start the process today, and continue to see results daily until he finishes it. This is a huge blow to procrastination and will help him feel accomplished. Set the goal of completing the task and begin working towards the finish line

4. Take a day off from a bad habit.

It could be not smoking for a day, not eating fast food, or reducing the time spent online. Disrupting the unhealthy routine will give space for something new to replace it. As he takes more and more days off from a bad habit throughout the week, and begins new, better habits, the old, bad habits will be forgotten.

5. Make an appointment with a counselor or life coach.

Addressing the issue of feeling stuck in his recovery and what factors are keeping him there are vital to the work of recovery. A professional can help determine areas he needs to focus on or areas that are yet to be addressed.

6. Connect with a friend or loved one.

It might be he hasn’t talked with them in a while. Life can get so busy that he may begin to isolate from those he loves the most. Or, he becomes so consumed by a recovery mentality that he forgets his friends and family that aren’t involved in the recovery world. Maybe there are amends that need to be made. Investing in relationships is essential in recovery.

7. Focus!

There are countless distractions in daily life that keep someone trapped in the same patterns. A man needs to think about what it is that he keeps putting on the back burner and focus on a specific goal. It could be working on the 12 Steps seriously, connecting with a sponsor, or finishing a book about recovery. Creating and focusing on goals are important in creating a new rhythm.

8. Be kind to himself.

On an airplane, passengers are told that in the case of emergency, they should secure their own oxygen mask before assisting others. It’s the same way in recovery. When a man takes care of himself, he is then able to care for others. When he feels stuck, chances are he’s not practicing self-care and being too critical with where he is in the process. Working recovery is self-care.

9. Say out loud what he’s thinking in his head.

By doing this, he can dispute any lies he’s been believing with the truth of God’s Word. Hearing the thoughts spoken verbally will allow him to process them in a way that’s not clouded by everything else going on in his mind. Journaling can also help process what is inside. Sharing with others in recovery meetings or with a sponsor helps clarify thinking.

10. Share his plan to get unstuck with someone to whom he will be accountable.

Accountability works best when it is focused on putting a positive plan in place, rather than simply keeping someone from messing up. An accountability partner can help a man practically walk out this new plan and provide the support he needs.

Getting unstuck on the recovery journey begins with the first step. Taking any of these steps will help a man reignite a sense of recovery and focus, which is crucial to becoming who God has called him to be. For additional help on the journey, call 800-NEW-LIFE.

A man who is working his recovery and connected to friends and family may have experienced a lot of joy over the holidays. They were a good break for him from the tediousness of daily life. He may have been proud of himself for the way he was able to walk out his recovery and not give in to sexual sin or shame. Being fully present for his family is a new sensation that he wants to continue in his life. When the holidays are over, though, the temptation for him is to become overwhelmed again with the monotony of his daily routine. The fun break of celebrating the holidays is behind him. The weather is colder and the skies are darker. He may see the long road ahead of him and begin to forget why he was putting so much into recovery in the first place. Or, he may feel extremely confident in himself and his situation and begin to wonder why he needs a community of men to hold him accountable. With any of this thinking, the door for sexual temptation is cracked open again.

For the man who struggled with his addiction over the holidays, his experience is much different. He may have been hiding secrets from his wife or family, not wanting to cause any disruptions or heartache during what should be a time of joy. He may have disconnected from his community of recovery friends, using the increased time with his family as an excuse to decrease communication. If he was actively engaging with sexual sin during the holidays, when they’re finally over, the rush of reality hits like a wave. The guilt, shame, and regret come flooding back. The break from routine that the holidays provide is completely over, and he has to face the fact once again that he can’t stop giving in to sexual sin. It’s very easy for him at this point to want to give up entirely. He’ll wonder if there’s any hope for the future and go deeper into self-loathing and isolation.

In recovery, whether a man is at the beginning of his journey, or has been on the path of healing for a long time, the post-holiday blues presents a real challenge. The solution is for a man to take action steps right away. He has to let go of his feelings, whether confident or negative ones, and move his feet. This means that he doubles down on his recovery. If he doesn’t have a small group with other men, he finds a local Life Recovery Group. If he’s not getting regular counsel, he finds a licensed Christian counselor. He has to be honest with himself. He may have been doing these things, but the routine is getting stale, so he has to shake it up. He can find a different group or start his own. He can switch counselors, or be direct and tell his counselor that he still needs deeper work to be done. There are always options. When the wrong feelings start to come in, he has to be honest with himself right away with what he actually needs.

The post-holiday blues don’t have to rule a man who is in recovery from sexual addiction. With revitalizing his recovery, and giving himself time to get back into a routine, he’ll begin to see that recovery is worth it. If amends with friends or family need to be made, they can be made. There is always hope and always time to start again. With the New Year comes the opportunity to become a new man.

So, where does someone start? The best place to start is by taking the first step. Life Recovery Step One says: “We admitted that we were powerless over our problems and that our lives had become unmanageable.” If someone wants to change their life, they must admit to themselves, God, and another person that they are powerless and that their lives have become unmanageable. To download all the 12 Steps, Click Here

When individuals refuse to admit they are powerless, they’re only deceiving themselves. Yet, all the while, they are inching closer to disaster. The lies they tell themselves—and others—are all too familiar:

• “Everything is under control.”
• “I don’t have a problem.”
• “Everybody else is doing it.”

One person in the Bible who couldn’t admit they were powerless until too late was Samson, one of Israel’s judges. As a child, his parents dedicated him to God. He had gifted Samson with supernatural strength; however, Samson had a lifelong weakness—his toxic relationships. Samson did not see the dangers he faced in his toxic relationship with Delilah. His enemies were paying her to discover the secret of his strength. Three times she begged Samson to tell her his secret. Each time she set him up and tried to hand him over to the enemy. Samson lied to her three and was able to escape. But each time, he got closer to telling her the truth. Eventually, Samson revealed his secret. Then, they took him captive.

His real problem was lying to himself—by refusing to admit he was powerless, Samson remained blind to the apparent danger that his pride and unhealthy relationships with the opposite sex were leading him into. And this caused him to inch his way toward a sudden death gradually.

One must learn a lesson from Samson and not fall into a similar trap. Isaiah 40:29 says: “He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.” When someone acknowledges they are powerless, they will become more aware of behaviors that will lead them to destruction. For help with any unhealthy habits or behaviors, find a Life Recovery Group online or in person.

Anyone whose life has become unmanageable can admit that they are powerless. When they do, God will empower them with the strength to overcome their struggles.

Adapted from The Life Recovery Devotional by Steve Arterburn and Dr. Dave Stoop

1. Develop a new way of eating.
   Stuck in yo-yo dieting? Decide to stop dieting. Instead, eat real foods in moderation. And put an end to eating processed foods. There’s nothing wrong with indulging occasionally. But if an individual can’t stop eating unhealthy foods or consistently overeats, they’re in bondage. Make it a goal not to be mastered by anything this year.
2. Develop a new way of moving.
   One of the best ways a person can honor their Creator is by taking care of their body. 1 Corinthians 6:20 says, “You were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies.” Start by walking each day. Exercising releases endorphins—these feel-good chemicals go far to improve a person’s mental and physical health. Keeping the body in shape gives one more energy to serve the Lord with joy.
3. Develop a new way of connecting with others.
   With technology, the world has never been more connected; yet people feel more disconnected than ever before. If someone wants to change their life, they must have a dedicated support system. Accountability will make a person stronger. A person can only do so much alone—there is strength in numbers.
4. Develop a new way of repairing.
   The weight someone carries on the outside may reflect the weight they carry on the inside. Therefore, someone must repair their life by addressing their inward struggles—like grief or disappointments. Live free by getting to the root of these issues and finding healthier ways to cope. Log all food eaten every day and include any feelings and emotions associated with it, making it easier to notice unhealthy patterns.
5. Develop a new way of getting support.
   If someone strives to live a healthy lifestyle, it’s essential to find accountability. Research shows that anyone who joins a support group like a Life Recovery Group or sees a counselor regularly will be more successful at losing weight.
6. Develop a new way of experiencing solitude.
   If a person wants to live free, they’ll need to practice times of solitude. Most people use their free time to binge on their favorite television shows or comfort foods. But Christ gives the best example to follow—He went to secluded places to pray. Spend time alone each day to pray, meditate on His Word, and simply enjoy His presence over food.
7. Develop a new way of living in gratitude.
   Feeling and expressing appreciation is one of the best ways to improve mental health. Most unhappy individuals are prone to focus on what they don’t have; however, a grateful person tends to be happier because they focus on what they do have. To live a life of gratitude, write in a gratitude journal every day.
8. Develop a new way of delaying gratification.
   Standing in front of the refrigerator at midnight and eating a carton of ice cream is tempting. But delaying gratification and healing emotional pain will lead to weight loss for life. Whenever tempted, HALT and ask a few questions such as:
   H- “Am I really hungry?”
   A- “Am I angry?”
   L- “Am I lonely?”
   T- “Am I Tired?”

Need help with losing weight and living free? If so, consider getting a copy of Lose it for Life to use alone or as a group study in a Life Recovery Group.

1. Appreciate the value of play.

Play is a child’s work. Play is critical to all aspects of a child’s development, but most do not see it as a valuable tool. Play can prevent discipline problems, offers a natural way for children to learn, and is essential in forming a positive relationship between parent and child (See Ephesians 6:4).

2. Talk with, and listen to, a child.

It’s essential for one to make eye contact and use a gentle touch when communicating with their child. Give clear and consistent instructions – but not too many at once. Remember the importance of non-verbal communication, and be sure to hold a child for comfort or share smiles and hugs (See Proverbs 1:8-9).

3. Build a child’s brain and body.

Provide healthful meals and snacks and model good eating habits. Encourage exercise by being active with a child and limiting time in front of the television or playing video games. A parent can support their child’s efforts in school and provide opportunities to learn and explore by visiting the library, museums, zoos, and other places of interest (See Ephesians 5:29).

4. A parent must be their child’s first source of information.

Encouraging children to ask questions now makes it easier for them to ask questions when they are older. Answering questions from a child with honesty and openness can create a relationship of mutual trust and respect that can prevent a child from developing unsafe habits or taking unnecessary risks (See Proverbs 1:2-4).

5. Learn how children develop and know their unique talents.

When it comes to a child, the real expert is their parent. So, a parent must know all areas of their child’s development – physical, intellectual, social, emotional, and moral. Every child needs exceptional help to progress at their own best rate (See Proverbs 22:6).

6. Cherish a child’s individuality.

Parents must support their child’s interests and talents. Try to spend time alone with each child every day. Praise their unique qualities and avoid comparing them or asking why they can’t be like someone else (See Isaiah 11:6).

7. Set up a household for success – make it work for the whole family.

Model and teach good safety habits and establish routines. Discuss and enforce family rules that work for the household – for example, putting toys away after play (See Deuteronomy 6:1-9).

8. Parents must take care of themselves.

If tired, ill, or just worn out, a parent cannot be as effective. Eat healthy foods, get enough sleep, and take occasional breaks from parenting. If possible, enlist the support of family, friends, and neighbors when things seem overwhelming (See 1 Corinthians 6:19).

9. Make time for family activities.

A sense of belonging is enhanced when families engage in everyday activities such as having meals together and sharing tasks and responsibilities. Use the family time to discuss needs and feelings, solve problems and promote cooperation (See Mark 5:19).

10. Teach a child right from wrong.

A child’s understanding of right and wrong develops slowly. They must be taught a code of moral conduct and lay the groundwork for developing their moral guide. What they learn as a child will guide them for the rest of their life (See Proverbs 22:6).

Need help finding a counselor who specializes in parenting? Call 800-NEW-LIFE and find a counselor through the New Life Counseling Network.

by Shay Bilchik

By letting go of unrealistic expectations, the holidays can be joyful once again.

Never give out of guilt.

Holidays are often a time to reciprocate in gifts, parties, favors, and invitations. Marketers entice consumers to buy, and overspending can become a problem if gifts are a way to impress someone. But giving should never be done out of guilt. Sometimes homemade gifts or cards made out of love, not obligation, are the best gifts of all.

Delegate responsibilities to others.

The holiday activities of cooking big meals, tree and house trimming, and holiday baking can be time-consuming. Add them to an already packed schedule, and it can become overwhelming. It is wise to share responsibilities with others.

Avoid anything in excess.

Too much drinking, eating, and socializing can destroy a person’s peace or at least disrupt it. Avoid the pressure or excuse of “it’s only once a year”—then, pay for it in the months following. Avoid drinking and eating binges. Changes in sleep patterns and daily activities can lead to exhaustion and getting sick. Now, more than ever, getting plenty of rest and taking care of one’s health is vital.

Plan a visit with the family beforehand to avoid as many problems as possible.

Thinking a family get-together will turn out perfectly will only create more disappointment. If it is too much to have all the children and grandchildren stay together under one roof, discuss beforehand if it would be better for them to spend the night at a hotel so that everyone can get some rest. Or maybe have only a few family members and friends over. If getting together is not feasible, set a time to do a video call.

Be prepared to deal with disappointments.

Friends and family will sometimes disappoint during the holidays. Recognize that everyone is fighting a
battle. People come into the holidays with their own set of unrealistic expectations, as well as dealing with deflated hopes and dreams. Rarely will people act out of character. If “Uncle George” is unreasonably irritable when children are present, he will probably be cranky during the holidays. And if “Aunt Sue” always drinks too much, she probably will this year. Accept that there will be disappointments; set necessary boundaries.

Refocus by taking on a new role.

For example, become the family photographer—take individual and group pictures together. Or set aside a worktable and prepare crafts for the children. As families get together, they tell funny stories. Record these stories in a video or write them down in a scrapbook which will be rewarding to look at in later years.

Have something to look forward to after Christmas.

Often a method of getting through something is to look beyond it. Prepare something to look forward to after it is all over. It could be a day off to do a favorite activity like going to a movie, seeing a museum exhibit, getting a massage, or going out to lunch with a friend. Having a time of self-care planned in January will be a well-deserved reward.

Don’t forget the real meaning of Christmas.

Despite the season’s stress, use this time to celebrate the real meaning of Christmas: Christ. Read one chapter of Luke each night starting the first of December. There are 24 chapters; so, finish reading by Christmas Eve.

Need more help to get through the holidays? Call us at 800-NEW-LIFE. Prayer and resources are just a phone call away!

by Peggy Robinson

Want to learn more about healthy confession? Find a counselor, resources, and get connected to a Life Recovery Group by calling 800-NEW-LIFE.

Adapted from the book Seven Keys to Spiritual Renewal, by Stephen Arterburn and Dr. David Stoop.

Begin by letting go of any unrealistic expectations. For example, it is unrealistic to think, “It would be wonderful to spend two weeks with my ex-spouse, kids, grandkids, and our pets all in one house. What could possibly go wrong?”

Everything!

It is more realistic to set boundaries by limiting time spent together, learning to say no when necessary, and discussing plans beforehand. Communicate boundaries in a way that is firm but respectful. Have different people prepare food, organize activities, and clean up afterward—don’t let all the responsibilities fall on one person’s shoulders. Most of all, don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Amid time with family, be sure to schedule a time with safe, loving, and empathetic people. Spending time with safe people is a worthwhile investment—it’s like diversifying a social and emotional portfolio. One way to connect with others is by going to a Life Recovery Group online or in person.

Time with family can bring out old, unhealthy patterns from childhood. Anyone from a toxic family where abuse or addiction thrives may unwittingly repeat the same dysfunctional role. Learning to say no during the holidays is vital.

Steve Arterburn puts it this way, “Some of us were raised saying too many yes’s and too few no’s. We learned early what to say to please people. But to honor God, we learn to say a good no.”
Not only do the holidays stir up unhealthy patterns, but they can also bring out sadness and depression. If this sounds familiar, talk to a friend or a counselor through the New Life Counselors Network.

On a night long ago in a field far away, shepherds were watching their sheep. Suddenly, an angel appeared before them, and they were afraid:

But the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David!”  – Luke 2:10-11

The shepherds didn’t let fear or anything else stop them; they went to Bethlehem to see Jesus. Like the shepherds who didn’t let anything stop them, don’t let a difficult family steal the season’s joy.

by Kit Hill

Real resentment over real damage by a real person produces is what is known as justifiable resentment. It becomes such a massive part of a person’s life that it feels like a vulture sitting on top of them—a dark and dangerous presence that affects everything they do.

If the resentment were not justifiable, another person could talk them out of it. A friend could tell them things like:

• “Stop being so negative.”
• “Look at the bright side of things.”
• “Be more positive.”

But none of those things apply to someone with justifiable resentment because they have a reason to be resentful. They were a victim; it was not their fault. Anyone who knows of their terrible ordeal supports their feelings of resentment. Yet, that is the problem because no one questions their feelings. Everyone feels horrible for them, so it is easy for a victim to hang on to the resentment. Anyone would have a right to feel sorry for themselves, but someone who wants to heal can’t hold onto those painful feelings

If a person holds onto their pain, it will eat them alive. Justifiable resentment threatens to destroy their life, keeping them from living their best life possible. It will hurt their relationship with God and others. They will be firmly rooted in their past and trauma if justifiable resentment grows within them. Everything they do in life will lean up against their grudge, and it will come to define who they are and give the enemy a foothold. Ephesians 4:26-27 (NLT) says, “don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.”

Although it might be tough to imagine, anyone whose life is gripped by the vulture of justifiable resentment can be freed from it. How? It is possible to let it go and experience the healing power of forgiveness. Choose to heal by walking the path of forgiveness. To know which steps to take, read Healing is a Choice.

Once someone is on this path, something incredible is going to happen in the future.

One day, they will wake up and realize that everything in their life has changed. They will sense that they are no longer rooted in their past. What used to define their life and inner thoughts is no longer relevant to how they live their life. And once the vulture of justifiable resentment that once sat atop their head is gone, they will finally be free.

Adapted from Healing is a Choice by Stephen Arterburn

Before these times of stress and exhaustion hit, a man needs to safeguard himself to protect his recovery.

If the time comes when he is tired of fighting the battle for purity, the below suggestions can give him incentive to press on.

‘Be Still, and Know That I Am God!’ (Psalm 46:10).

The first thing a man must work on in recovery is grounding himself spiritually. He can set regular quiet times to pray and focus on God. During these times, it’s important that he doesn’t rush through to the end, but quiets his inner talk and just listens. Electronics and media can be such a distraction, so these need to be turned off and put away. This time of prayer should happen in a comfortable, quiet place. Starting this time by taking some deep breathes will help clear one’s mind of the busyness of the day. Then, the promises of God can be focused on with a new perspective.

Regularly Connect With a Sponsor.

In the Twelve Step Program, a sponsor is usually someone who is further along in their own healing journey and can help guide someone else through their recovery. Having this trusted companion is vital. This person should ideally be a phone call away if any difficulties arise in a man’s daily life. These discussions need to be open and honest, talking about what is actually happening and where the specific weaknesses are. Talking with a sponsor will take power away from tempting situations and build healthy connection in a man’s life.

Remain On Alert.

When a man becomes tired or weary, he can convince himself that he can handle more than he actually can. Putting on the spiritual Armor of God and keeping one’s guard up is critical during these times to keep the door to temptation closed. There is a spiritual war going on within the mind and the enemy knows the best way to get someone to relapse or fall. He tries to convince them that there is no reason to be guarded and that everything will be fine. For a man in recovery, even realizing that this daily spiritual fight exists is a huge part of winning the battle.

Exercise Often.

This is one of the simplest concepts in recovery that can be overlooked. A short bike ride, a brisk swim, or even a leisurely walk can be powerful tools in the hands of a recovering addict. These activities shake a man out of laziness and get him refocused on bettering himself. Even just taking time to observe creation on a quick jog can put a man in a new frame of mind that reminds him why he wants sexual addiction out of his life in the first place.

Eat Well and Diet.

Used in tandem with regular exercise, a man’s diet can change his overall mood in a positive way. He may need to get his doctor involved to get some nutritional advice for his specific situation. If fast food and large meals have become a habit for him, a change in this area can propel him into further recovery. The more he works on the small changes he can make, the bigger changes will come much easier as he gains confidence and mental clarity

Begin to Help Others.

Everyone has a God-given gift, talent, or skill that can be used for the benefit of others. It doesn’t matter if a man’s recovery is strong, or if he feels weak, he can still help someone else. This will in turn help him with his own recovery. Doing something new, such as asking a friend in recovery how their day is going, can begin to shift a man’s heart from taking to giving.

For more suggestions to overcome exhaustion in recovery, call 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433).

The concept of hiding may be familiar to a man on one level, but he may not understand how it practically plays out in his every day affairs. When a man is hiding, he is also lying, covering up, and shutting down. He hides because he’s afraid. He feels that if his real self and behaviors were known, even to those who love him the most, he would be shamed, embarrassed, or ridiculed. With all of these fears in place, it makes sense why a man would want to hide.

When a man hides like this, he is actually acting like a child. His reasoning is that if he hides, he will get away with his behavior and no one will be able to shame him. The Apostle Paul talks about this in 1 Corinthians 13:11 when he says, “When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.” Paul is speaking directly to men who are still stuck in childish ways. The thinking and reasoning of a child has to be done away with once a man begins to come into recovery.

Vulnerability is the best way for a man to begin to put childish ways behind him. To be vulnerable is to expose oneself to the light of another’s scrutiny. It is a purposeful revealing of things in one’s life that emotions tell him to hide. In order to come out of hiding, a man has to choose to be vulnerable. It is an active state, not a passive one. This is a frightening prospect for someone new in recovery, especially if they have never practiced it before. There may be pain involved, but the final outcome is worth every perceived fear.

The human mind is not like other processes in nature. When something is discarded in nature, bacteria decomposes the debris until it disappears. With the mind, however, when a thought or behavior is diminished or hidden, it actually becomes more prominent. The only way to get rid of the desire itself and the shame that builds up is to actually let it out. This is vulnerability. A man can practice this with his friends, his family, his wife, and his accountability partners. Letting these things out will let them be seen in God’s light so they can be truly disposed of, not left to fester in the dark.

Joining a Sustained Victory Coaching Group can help a man begin to put these things into practice in a practical way in his everyday life. He can come out of hiding and start living in the light.

It’s in Step 10 that a man learns to examine his life in a way that prevents further damage to himself and those around him. One of the keys to this personal examination is thankfulness. The founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson, describes this step as “An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow.…” With this in mind, seeing one’s faults and working on them is only one piece of the daily inventory. Thankfulness for what someone has received in their life is a key component of walking in contentment, which leads away from sexual acting out. With this tool in a man’s hands, he is empowered to resist his temptations.

The holidays provide a great opportunity for a man in recovery to think about all that he has received. No matter what circumstances are currently weighing on him, if he’s on the journey of recovery from sexual addiction, he has many things to be thankful for. First and foremost, God has given him the chance to heal. It’s not an accident that he’s on this new path in his life. God has shown great compassion and given him a way to heal from the pain that caused him to turn to sexual acting out in the first place. This is something to be exuberantly thankful for. After this, a man can look at the family and friends that are surrounding him. Depending on where he is in the journey, there may be family and friends that are still working through the hurt that he has caused them. Even so, he can be thankful for those that are supportive and remain hopeful for those relationships that will continue to be restored as he himself heals. He can also be thankful for the simple things, such as breath in his lungs, or food on the table. There is always something to be thankful for.

It’s easy for a recovering sex addict to look at his faults. He might see the opinions of others as defining who he is. If those opinions are negative, then he feels that he is a failure. That’s why the balance of thankfulness in Step Ten is so important. A man can see his faults, admit them to others, but still wallow in them. Thankfulness allows him to actually counteract the shame, as he is turning to the Lord instead of himself.

A thankful heart, especially on the road to recovery from sexual addiction, is the key to moving forward. A man may need help from others to learn to be thankful, such as a licensed Christian counselor or a Life Recovery Group. To recover his sexual integrity, a man has to recover thankfulness.

Prevent exhaustion by forming healthy habits such as getting enough sleep, learning to say no, spending time with the Lord every day, and not taking on too much. However, there are two must-haves for finding balance: boundaries and accountability.

One can only take care of themselves by setting boundaries with their time and energy. There must be enough time for priorities such as getting plenty of rest, checking in with an accountability partner or sponsor, and going to a Life Recovery Group weekly. It is important to decide that rest, self-care, spiritual health, and personal time are non-negotiable. So, if there is a crisis such as a death in the family, job loss, or divorce, self-care is still done daily.

Overeating, overworking, drinking, anger, depression, worry, and anxiety are all symptoms of burnout. It’s necessary to create good habits for exercise, nutrition, spiritual life, and personal time to prevent exhaustion.

Jesus urged His disciples to rest when He said, “Let’s go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile” (Mark 6:31).

To prevent burnout, one must see where all their time goes. The place to start is to write down every hour throughout the day—this includes exercise, work, spiritual life, and personal time. Writing it down will show where any changes are needed. Make new habits by setting boundaries with oneself and others. Once someone determines what is required to balance their fitness, nutrition, spiritual and personal time every day, the next step is to do it!

If someone finds themselves unable to do it or doesn’t do it consistently, they need accountability. Finding a person who has the discipline and asking them to help is a great place to start. Not having the willpower doesn’t mean an individual is lazy or weak—it means they have arrived at adulthood without the tools to get the job done. Drawing help from another person’s presence and encouragement can provide the structure one needs until one can internalize it.

Establish a routine that will work for life! Find the tools, books, therapists, and accountability partners necessary to help establish daily habits. Having this concept as a framework will help set a workable pace and less apt to create burnout.

Make exercise, good nutrition, spiritual life, and personal time part of each day. But don’t forget to add boundaries and accountability—this is the perfect equation for a balanced life.

by Julie Davis

Sound familiar? Voices like these are how many people talk to themselves. It is important to note that everyone has self-talk. But sadly, most people talk to themselves negatively.
Every person talks to themselves throughout the day by planning, acting, evaluating, and judging their behavior. Because this is so much a part of a person’s life, it becomes essential that everyone monitors their self-talk just as they would their bank account.

Psychologists say that it takes seven positive comments for someone to erase one negative word. It’s also valid for how a person speaks to themselves—one negative thought such as “I’m unworthy of love,” and there will need to have seven positive self-talk statements to erase it!

Negative self-talk is a waste of time and energy, and even worse, it’s just plain wrong. But God can transform how a person thinks. Romans 12:2 (NLT) says, “let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

Here are some examples of self-talk that are both true and positive:

• “I’m a work in progress. I’m not perfect, but that is ok.”
• “I may not have been on track today with my goals, but I’ll get back on track tomorrow.”
• “I have mastered other difficult challenges in my life, and I can master this.”

The best way an individual can take care of their mental health is to be gentle with themselves. It leaves no room for paralyzing guilt, self-flagellation, self-hate, or other forms of negativity. At the same time, it doesn’t mean that someone becomes passive, feels sorry for themselves, and shuns self-discipline. Indeed, a person must persist in their recovery to make themselves the person God wants them to be. Seeing a licensed counselor through the New Life Counseling Network will help.

Positive self-talk can—and should—be a part of everyone’s daily life. Exchanging negative for positive self-talk is one of the most effective ways a person can honor themselves and God who made them in His image.

by Susan Eppley

Recovery is not a quick fix but rather the redemption of a life once filled with pain. Transformation is possible, and beginning a new life is worth it! For help, call 800-NEW-LIFE.

by Becky Brown

Once in recovery, an individual must also accept anxiety and learn how to deal with it in healthy ways. If not, fear will destroy their efforts to recover completely, and they’re likely to relapse. Scripture confirms that anxiety can wreak havoc when it says, “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up” (Proverbs 12:25, NIV).

Anxiety can be such a burden that it’ll cause a person to do anything to find relief. One central fear is that of the unknown. Not knowing what will happen can drive a person to control their environment and everyone in it. As a result, anxiety leads someone to try to control so much that is out of their control. They believe they can prevent bad things from happening and people from getting upset with them—no one, though, can control all their circumstances, all the time.

Therefore, a person stuck in addiction falsely thinks using food, shopping, codependency, pornography, or another crutch will improve life. They find temporary relief from the anxiety by using what they believe they can control, but later, the fear comes back. One gets even more desperate for something else to take away the anxiety they think they can handle. Perhaps they take away one habit like overeating and replace it with another such as smoking.

Learning to accept anxiety in healthy ways is an essential component of recovery. A person must renew their mind with the truth, for it is the truth that will set them free. One strategy is to learn how to recognize anxious thoughts. Be aware of all or nothing thinking, over-generalization, dwelling on the negative, magnification, minimization, and worrying about the future. A person must speak the truth by using positive self-talk to calm a fearful mind.

If anxiety is overwhelming, seek the help of a licensed counselor from the New Life Counseling Network. A counselor can help anxious individuals process their fears, develop new ways of handling life, and learn to take risks and grow.

Learn to accept anxiety, understand it, identify the anxiety-producing thoughts, and replace them with the truth. Anyone who does this can overcome anxiety and prevent a relapse.

by Chris Cole

Keeping a record of what one does when one becomes emotionally upset is an excellent way to watch progress occur, perhaps in a journal. The journey to finding new alternatives to eating might look like this: “I received an upsetting phone call from my ex. This made me feel hurt, so I went to the refrigerator and opened the door to eat.” Now, think of a new way to cope with that feeling. What could be a substitute for eating? One recommendation is calling a friend to pray. Here’s another example: “I heard someone gossip about me at church. This made me feel angry, so I stopped for fries at a fast-food restaurant.” A good alternative would be to gently confront the person who did the gossiping rather than feed the feelings.

To help choose alternatives to eating, make a list of behaviors that can substitute for eating the next time an intense emotion triggers that desire. The list should include things to do while driving, being at home, work, or on the go. Post the list on the refrigerator and use notes on the cell phone for reminders. Every time temptation to eat because of an unpleasant emotion, pull out the list and choose a new thing to do.

Maybe there’s been hurt by a cruel divorce, an abusive father, a betraying friend, or an insulting boss. Whatever the cause of the hurt, it’s time to stop using food as an emotional crutch and let the pain surface. When this occurs, it might cause an experience of intense feelings of anger or fear, but there will not be healing until the emotions are confronted.

Just let the feelings come and ask God to understand precisely where the feelings originate. Don’t try to edit the feelings and thoughts. Whatever comes to mind, grab that thought. Most likely, it is a lie that was implanted at the time of the emotional pain when first experiencing those feelings. Try to identify the lie, and once it’s discovered, ask Jesus to speak His truth. Wait and listen for His voice, whether it comes in the form of a whisper of His Spirit or a visual picture He may provide. Wait on Him and expect Him to bring truth. His truth brings release from that lie.

Excerpted from the book Lose It for Life by Steve Arterburn and Linda Mintle

To get off the road to destruction, a person must recover accountability in their lives. The Webster’s Dictionary defines accountability as: “the quality or state of being held accountable: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions.” In other words, it involves a willingness to be held accountable to an expressed outcome—purity and integrity.

Accountability is when individuals struggling with addiction and dependency connect to others so they can fight against something that, at least for a moment, is more powerful than they are. Ultimately, it provides support in a battle to be fought together.

The Bible puts it this way: “If another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ”—Galatians 6:1-2, NLT

Connection with others is a fundamental part of the recovery process because it’s an essential part of character growth. Whether someone likes it or not, most of life involves people, and it’s a reality that everyone must face—one that shapes and tests each person’s character.

The deep desire of every heart is to be heard, understood, known, and connected to others, not detached. And is part of God’s created design of all. And it’s true whether a person is an introvert or extrovert. Being connected is about being mutually—and emotionally—invested in another person.

The sad reality, though, is that many individuals choose to remain detached and impenetrable. Often, people that are battling addictions and dependencies struggle to feel close to others. In most cases, this lack of intimacy has influenced their behavior, cognitive patterns, and emotions. In doing so, they develop too much of a gap for others to bridge to their hearts.

God’s design is that every person develops deep connections throughout their lives because it gives them a context to grow and deal with life. To do this, one must move away from themselves as the primary reference point and toward knowing and valuing others. Here is the bottom line: accountability is a must-have component of any successful recovery plan. Instead of living a disconnected life, join a Life Recovery Group, and begin to connect.

by Brad Stenberg

Strong friendships withstand the test of time and are authentic. One must take down their mask that hides their true self from others. A relationship that is real includes both a person’s strengths and weaknesses. It’s essential to be open, vulnerable, honest, and sincere with others. And share struggles with a friend. When individuals share their struggles with grace-filled friends, they find that they accepted regardless of their faults, and they experience the joy of acceptance.

Friendships do not happen automatically—they must be cultivated. It’s easy to lose friends by neglecting to stay in touch with them. Spending time together is required; as often as possible, keep in touch with each other. Make the phone call or text to initiate getting together with each other. After all, friends are committed and devoted to one another.While it is a natural tendency to withdraw from others, it can often become unhealthy. Taking a break from people is fine occasionally, but isolation is deadly. Remember, solitary confinement is one of the worst punishments devised by mankind.

Friends are not optional; they’re essential in life. There is no substitute for a friend. A true friend is someone who cares, listens, comforts, and even reproves. The Bible says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17, NLT). No one is self-sufficient.

Whether good or bad, a friendship impacts a person’s life, and they’re not neutral. If an individual connects with good people, they become a better person. Proverbs 13:20 states, “Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.” If someone is friends with people of questionable character, they may be tempted to become like them, as the Apostle Paul wrote, “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Choose friends carefully, prayerfully, and wisely.

Allow a friend to be themself, and don’t try to change them. Please give them the freedom to be themselves without pressuring them to be someone they are not. Allow them to make mistakes, be human, and loyally maintain the relationship regardless of their ups and downs. Remember, “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud” (1 Corinthians 13:4).

Here’s the bottom line: Friends protect each other, and they look for things that may harm each other, hold one another accountable, and watch each other’s backs. Attending a New Life workshop and joining a phone coaching group afterward are safe places to form solid friendships for life. To find out more, call 800-NEW-LIFE.

by Kent Ernsting

Most programs, self-help methods, and diets often only focus on one thing: correction. While correcting behavior is very important—including lifestyle changes getting enough rest, exercising, and growing spiritually—very few focus on the one key element that needs to occur for all the other steps: connection!

Without connection with other people, it is almost impossible for anyone battling an addiction to change their daily routine behaviors that have become rituals and patterns. Connection is more important than correction because it brings accountability, support, awareness, and growth and deepens a person’s relationship with God and others.

Unfortunately, fear usually keeps a person stuck in addiction from connecting with others when they need it the most. A broken individual needs help from others to heal. But if they grew up in an atmosphere of shaming as a child, they might have learned to shut down when hurting.

A person suffering from addiction or dependency may attempt to correct their behavior. As a result, this leads to a vicious cycle of try, fail, try, and eventually going back to addiction. Often, this leads only to taking up another addiction. So, if they stop using drugs, they may start smoking or overeating. This is a vicious cycle. Connection is the only way to break this unhealthy pattern.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.”

What someone who is working to beat addiction needs the most is a genuine connection with another person. It seems scary at first. However, the way to start is with individual therapy. Connecting with a counselor may help gain the courage needed to seek relationships outside of the therapy office.

Going to a Life Recovery Group and seeing a licensed counselor are great ways to start connecting. Check out the New Life Counselor Network and find a counselor that is the right fit. The goal is to focus on connecting with others. When a person develops strong connections, it will be easier for them to change their behaviors.

by Julie Davis

1. Get a life.

The most important aspect of finding the right person is to be the right person. Someone who is single and looking should cultivate the same characteristics as the type of person they are looking for. Since someone is only as happy in their relationship as they were going into it, no one can make another person happy.

2. Small changes lead to big results.

No one is perfect—not many people look like supermodels. But everyone has something going for them. One must accept themselves as they are but not use it as an excuse to let themselves go. Aim to be the best person possible. Small changes such as exercising, eating healthy, wearing attractive clothes, and getting the right hairstyle can make a big difference.

3. Know what to look for.

Here are some qualities to look for in a healthy relationship: shared values, ability to forgive and be forgiven, ability to be challenged and confronted without defensiveness, similar desire to raise children or not, and common goals. Choose wisely. What looks good now may cause heartache later.

4. Rise above past mistakes.

Despite past mistakes, no one is doomed to an endless series of losers. Everyone fails, makes mistakes, and has regret. But anyone can grow and become a new creation. Talk to a pastor or find a counselor. There are many resources available to help. Do not give up.

5. Talk to family and friends.

Who better knows someone than their family and friends? Ask them for tips on the type of person they think would be best, and don’t be insulted when they tell the truth. Unless they are not making good choices themselves, their feedback could be invaluable. In that case, seek out couples that have healthy relationships. For them, there is no excuse good enough to give up, so they persevere.

6. Be open to online dating.

Many couples have been successful in meeting online. But others have run into problems—from being deceived to being harmed. Millions of people are online every day, and there are many different types of dating websites. When going online, use common sense and seek reputable websites. Never send money to anyone. Always take proper precautions such as meeting in a public place. Be honest when creating a profile, and ask a friend to help. Make sure to establish boundaries.

7. Consider blind dates.

Why not? Just use the same common sense as in dating anyone for the first time. Going to a friend’s home for dinner or a party would be a good blind date. Get to know someone in a group setting, and let nature take its course. Keep it simple—get a bite to eat after an event or church. It doesn’t have to be a fancy dinner; it can just be coffee.

8. Look in the right places.

If looking for someone who cares, try going to the local soup kitchen and seeing who is volunteering. Likewise, if wanting an individual who is good with kids, look for a coach, teacher, or mentor. Want a person of faith? Go to a church or Bible study. And if the ideal man or woman is someone with purpose, ask what they want in life.

9. Expect a real human being, not a perfect person.

No one is going to be everything and have everything a future spouse could ever dreamed of. There are no perfect people; everyone makes mistakes. So, relax a little and allow for human frailty.

10. Be patient.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. So, it’ll take some time to find the right person. Along the way, find a few good friends to turn to for help after a heartbreak or someone to turn to give advice when a relationship is going well. Searching for the one may lead to hurt. But keep at it—there are good people out there. All it could take is one more date to finding the right one.

Want to find the one but don’t know where to start? Read Steve Arterburn’s book, Is This the One? To order, call 800 NEW-LIFE.

1. Clarity

A coach can clarify a current situation and give direction for the future. Listening is an often-overlooked tool in goal setting, but it is vital. A good coach listens and helps clarify the steps needed to meet the goals for the future.

2. Motivation

Many things can make a person feel unmotivated. Coaches provide practical steps to overcome obstacles and accomplish goals by motivating clients to complete work projects or get more organized at home.

3. Support

Everyone needs support in their lives to get through difficult times. But not many people have a good support system, nor do they have people in their lives who are safe. It’s always good to get insight into a situation from a safe person, and a coach can provide a new perspective on whatever they may be facing.

4. Confidence

A coach aims to challenge any lies or false beliefs that have led to an individual’s low view of themselves. Coaches are equipped with tools and techniques to help someone see themselves as God sees them. Over time, confidence and self-worth will gradually increase.

5. Balance

Between work, family, and relationships, it’s hard to find a balance in life. Sound familiar? Instead of striving to do more and working harder, find a healthy balance. Seeing a coach can be a catalyst to finding balance in life. Anyone who feels depleted and tired can turn to a coach to help them make self-care a priority in their lives.

6. Productivity

Procrastination. Distractions. Disorganization. These are some of the reasons people aren’t as productive as they’d like to be. One of the primary responsibilities of a coach is that of setting and accomplishing goals. They can help an individual create a workable plan and—more importantly—put it into action.

7. Accountability

No one should try to go through life alone. Anyone struggling with unhealthy habits or who wants to change their life needs accountability—seeing a coach will increase an awareness of their habits and goals. It’s not uncommon for a coach to expect their client to email, text, or calling to check-in with them throughout the week to help them stay on the path.

8. Purpose

The Creator has a purpose for each person’s life. But not everyone knows—let alone lives out—God’s purpose for their life. A good coach has skills for helping people to discover their purpose. Then, they inspire them to shift their mindset to start thinking—and living—a life filled with God-given purpose.

9. Transformation

It’s never too late to address the challenges in life. Whether it’s a struggle with physical fitness, living in crushing debt, too much clutter at home, or a career that has stalled, there is hope for transformation! A benefit of seeing a coach is their ability to help an individual move toward change in their lives for a better future.

10. Vision

Without any vision, how can a person expect any results? Everyone needs a fresh vision from God. King Solomon put it this way, “Where there is no vision, the people perish” (Proverbs 29:18, KJV). Seeing a coach can be one of the most powerful and effective ways to discover a new vision for life.

Is it possible to find an affordable, dependable coach who is also a Christian? Yes! The New Life Coaching Network can help make it happen. Call 800-639-5433.

But every blended family has its ups and downs.

After all, every person comes into a marriage with baggage. And for someone who brings children into a marriage, there is often a lot more baggage. Most new couples quickly learn that “two becoming one” (Genesis 2:24) is a journey that takes time, requires the ability to communicate well and manage conflict effectively. If that is not enough, becoming a stepparent at the time of marriage can carry an enormous sense of responsibility.

The stepparent’s role is often one where they give unconditional love with no expectation of being loved in return. A stepparent differs from the child’s biological parent. Stepparents cannot, and should not, attempt to replace or undermine the child’s biological parent.

In blended families, a child fears rejection and loss of the biological parent’s love. Often, there are behavior changes in the child around the time to transition to the other home. Wise stepparents will notice this shift in the child and be understanding. Having a well-defined—but not rigid—structure in the home can help the child learn to adapt to the differences between the two homes is very important to the child’s well-being and the family.

Parents of blended families need to work out conflicts that involve the children privately rather than in front of the children. It is usually best when parents and stepparents speak with one voice to the child to ensure the message they receive is consistent.

For that reason, parents in blended families must work things out with the other household. Seeing a licensed, Christian counselor can help blended families learn how to work together. If it’s not possible to work with the other stepparent and family, they can continue to do their part to protect and enhance the child’s safety, stability, and security and support the child as they grow into the person that God created them to be.

Stepparents need to understand that they can only control what happens inside their own home, and they must do their best not to say anything negative about the biological parent in the presence of the child. Instead, the stepparent should say something positive about the child’s biological parent or the other stepparent when they can.

Boundaries in blended families need to be more permeable than those of the traditional nuclear family to allow family members to move freely between other family systems to which they have connections.

Remember that no one is perfect, and mistakes are going to occur. A blended family will come together when parents give themselves, their spouses, children, and stepchildren the grace they need to heal and move forward.

by Toni Dunning

The question is simple: “Can you recall being comforted as a child after a time of emotional distress?”

Although it’s not directly related to a person’s marriage, it can pinpoint difficulties they experience in their marriage and other relationships. To find out more, get a copy of How We Love.

It’s a question Milan and Kay Yerkovich have asked when speaking at workshops and to friends in everyday conversations. Anyone who wants to heal emotionally, spiritually, and relationally should ask this question.

Why is it such an important question to ask?

The answer to this question could potentially reveal more about a person’s relationships than any other insight. Realize this question refers to a time when a person was significantly upset, and a parent offered consolation. If someone’s childhood was very happy, it might be hard to think of a time needing comfort. But everyone has experienced something emotionally upsetting during their childhood—from a best friend moving away to not making a sport’s team. Whatever happened, they experienced comfort for their pain or its stark absence, which influences their relationships today.

If someone can’t recall a specific memory of being comforted, they’re in good company. About 75 percent of adults surveyed by Milan and Kay did not have a single memory of receiving comfort from a caregiver when they were young. This expected deficit causes countless difficulties in relationships.

If a person’s parents had difficulty noticing and soothing distress, they probably grew up in a family with little emotional connection. Without realizing it, their mom and dad likely discouraged expressing emotions or responded poorly to feelings. When an emotional connection lacks, one learns to minimize what’s bothering them and not expect relationships to offer comfort. After all, it’s hard for a person to expect something if they’ve never experienced it.

Answering this question does not mean that parents are the only ones to blame. Most parents are just doing the best they can with the tools they have. And parents did not receive all they needed growing up, either. The goal is not to find fault but to gain a realistic picture of what went right and what went wrong early on in a person’s life so they can begin the healing journey toward growth and maturity.

Why is answering this so important? How someone responds to this question reveals a great deal about the health of their relationships in the present. Having a secure imprint of intimacy forms healthy expectations about all future relationships.

Adapted from How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich.

By Kimberlee Bousman

Read more about Kimberlee.

Read more about Milan and Kay.

1. Join a Sustained Victory Coaching Group.
   Following the workshop, a man has to understand that the temptation he may currently feel strong enough to resist will inevitably return. Joining a weekly recovery group right away, rather than putting it off for a while, will ensure that the proper support is in place before resisting temptation starts to become difficult again. Sustained Victory Coaching Groups are weekly Zoom meetings with other men who have also gone through the workshop, led by a licensed coach. They provide a safe place for men to process sexual temptation and learn to recover from the shame that has so often led them right back to the sin they hate.
2. Review Notes and Resources.
   It’s important to review any notes taken during the workshop, as well as the material that was presented during the main sessions. This reinforces what was learned and allows one’s brain to retain more of the information. There are also books suggested at the workshop that can be helpful to continued recovery, such as Every Man’s Battle or The Life Recovery Workbook for Sexual Integrity.
3. Clean House.
   During or after the workshop, a man may realize that there are still things in his immediate life that can potentially lead him back to temptation. This could include certain movies he owns that contain sexually suggestive content, or access he still has to websites that need to be blocked. He can create a list of everything in his home or on his electronic devices that may be a stumbling block and begin to get rid of these items or block access to them through an accountability software. He may discover more items as he goes, but starting this process right after the workshop will help eliminate unnecessary temptation.
4. Get a Counselor.
   In tandem with group work, a man coming out of sexual addiction needs someone to work with, such as a licensed Christian counselor, who can help him process his thoughts and feelings in a therapeutic environment. If he’s married, he may also need marriage counseling with his wife, especially if a disclosure of sexual sin is involved. It’s important, though, that he also has his own individual sessions, as his individual recovery will be one of the biggest helps to building trust with his wife.
5. Call Call Call.
   A man needs to make sure he stays connected with the men he went through the workshop with, or other men he knows that are working on sexual integrity. This will not only help his own recovery, but also the men he is reaching out to. The easiest way to do this is to pick up the phone and call. It’s much easier to text someone in this day and age, but this does not provide enough connection to be sustainable in the long term. By talking on the phone and hearing the voice of someone going through the same fight, a man can be encouraged and practice being vulnerable with his weaknesses, which will continue to help him grow.
6. Have a Regular Quiet Time.
   The workshop helps a man reconnect with God and begin to experience His love that overcomes shame. To continue this new relationship with God, a man needs to cultivate some regular time alone to focus on spiritual things. He can start small if this sounds like an overwhelming prospect. 10 minutes of reading Scripture a few days a week or 10 minutes of focused prayer before bed can begin to build habits that will solidify and increase in time. Keeping a journal to write down thoughts every few days and reviewing these things regularly can also help a man process his feelings and learn to deal with anxiety with the Lord’s help.
7. If You Fall, Get Back Up.
   Even with all of these safeguards in place, there may come a time when a man falls back into old thinking or behaviors and has a fall back into sexual sin. The more support he has in place before this happens, the better, as the next best thing to do is to get back up. It’s easy to want to wallow in shame and guilt, but with the help of accountability, counseling, and God, a man can get right back on the road to recovery. A fall is not an utter failure but a lesson in getting back up.

While there are many suggestions for a man to begin his journey of recovery after the workshop, each man has to find out what works best for him. For help with any of these steps or resources, call 800-NEW-LIFE.

Once a man begins to see the damage that sexual addiction is causing him, and feels the weight of the negative consequences piling up, he is in a state that is ripe for repentance. He is probably angry, scared, or feeling the futility of it all—and this can be the very start of the journey to healing.

The word repentance can seem like a heavy-handed concept, especially if a man has grown tired of trying to fit into a religious mold. It’s very simple though: to repent is to turn. Confession is the easy part. A man may be well-versed in confessing the sin in his life, whether it’s to a wife or a spiritual authority, but this is only the first step of change. Repentance means he actually takes steps away from sexual sin, going in the opposite direction, towards God. Anything that falls short of this will not bring real, lasting change to his life.

On the surface this may sound complicated, but it can actually play out very practically in a man’s life. It’s a step by step process of learning to turn from past habits and behaviors. It usually begins with one’s thought life. Sexual fantasies, which are conscious acts of the imagination, need to be identified and replaced. Replacement thoughts can include anything that is good and wholesome in one’s life. Maybe it’s meditating on a favorite Scripture verse, or remembering a meaningful time spent with friends or family. Lust only fuels sexual thinking, so a man struggling with this can work on bouncing his eyes in public, re-focusing on the task at hand, and going back to those healthy thoughts in his head.

Next, his daily activities should be examined. This is not just about looking at pornography or engaging in sexual acting out. Anything that puts him on the path towards sexual sin needs to be removed from his life. Whether it’s a habit, like driving through certain parts of town that increase temptation, or a form of recreation, like going to a certain gym where he knows he can entertain lust, practical adjustments need to be made to distance himself from these triggers.

A man has to learn to turn from anything that may cause him to stumble back into the sin he is trying to avoid. This is repentance. It can’t be done overnight, and it won’t be possible without the help of the Holy Spirit and other men who are walking in the same way. Joining a Sustained Victory Group can help start a man on this path away from sin and back towards connection with God, himself, and others.

When someone struggling in this way begins to start their recovery journey, they quickly realize that one of the keys to maintaining sexual sobriety is finding a place of inner peace on a daily basis. This will look different for each person, but it starts by taking a few minutes out of one’s busy schedule to find a place of gentle quietness in their inner life.

It is in this very resting place that one can begin to “experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand” (Philippians 4:7, NLT). It is also the place where the voice of the Holy Spirit comforts and challenges one’s soul. Once someone finds this place of true peace with the Lord in their mind and heart, they can return to it whenever they’d like.

It is far too often that those in recovery rush forward to the next thought, activity, task, or assignment without pondering the moment. Some stay absorbed in completing project after project because seeking a quiet, reflective experience appears impossible. Even during times of prayer, their minds often drift to upcoming events and responsibilities. This constant activity simply becomes a means of distraction—an attempt to avoid thinking about the difficulties they’re trying to overcome.

What they don’t realize, however, is that such behavior actually causes them to miss out on experiencing the calm in the chaos that God truly desires for them. This results in not only missing physiological rest, but also important times of spiritual discernment and wisdom.

There are many moments of calm that someone in recovery can participate in each day. They can sit in their favorite chair and simply meditate on a few of the blessings God has given to them. Or, they can write their thoughts down in a journal, learning to enjoy the process of identifying their feelings. They can even listen to a song that makes them feel safe and comfortable. Whatever method they choose, they’re free to spend this time however they like. This time is not meant to create more busy activity, but to learn to experience the calm in the chaos from the man-made world of striving and scheduling.

A licensed Christian counselor can help someone recovering from sexual addiction learn to find these times of rest with God. Learning to slow down and enjoy the moment is vital to recovery from the chaos of addiction.

Anyone or anything that attempts to penetrate its exterior is met with harsh, cold rage. These disappointments range in size—from smaller  ones, such as a mom forgetting to give their child a promised ice cream cone, to larger ones like a dad telling a child that he is ashamed of them and wished you had never been born.

But even after a lifetime of mismanaged disappointments that have turned into anger, there’s hope to calm anger.

The actual object of anger must be confirmed. Most of the stuff that creates anger isn’t what a person is furious about. Those are just the triggers that set in motion the wheels of angry behavior. A driver might falsely accuse some out-of-control motorist of their anger when, in fact, it often goes much deeper than that. Therefore, it is essential to identify what has truly ignited this flame of rage. Until one gets to the root, they won’t kill the fruit.

One must address the nerve of disappointment this trigger presses on. Once the object of anger (usually oneself or a wound from the past) becomes essential to manage whatever nerve of disappointment the triggers are pressing on. For example, let’s say a husband is struggling with anger toward his wife. It may press on the nerve of an overbearing mother who never let him take risks and was always in his face about something.

The actual healing from anger begins when a person gets to the emotional nerves in their heart. These are the points at which most of their  anger was born. As a person learns what these nerves are, they are better prepared to address them with the truth’s healing power.

Look to God’s promises for the specific need. God’s Word is truth (John 17:17). And it is the truth that ultimately sets a person free (John 8:32). To address the nerves of disappointment that trigger anger, a person who struggles must bring the Word of God to help them heal. Once they touch the layers of pain encasing their hearts with the truth, over time, they will heal from years of anger and bitterness.

How this works is that a person gets to the nerve of disappointment. Let’s say someone never measured up to their father’s strict standards when they were a child or teen. Then as an adult, they can search God’s Word for the truth about their security in Him. And they find excellent passages like Psalm 139:14. As one plants these truths in their mind, they begin to “remove their heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 36:26).

In addition, one can meet with others to grow in connectedness. Anger ultimately isolates a person from relationships. They grow distant and cold toward those who love them. To truly calm anger, a person must be in healthy relationships. And in connection, they learn to respond on truth rather than the old method of lashing out.

So, be CALM!

1. Illumination
   When someone sees the need for change, they have reached illumination. It is, to be precise, a light-bulb moment—the point at which a  person finally understands their situation in a whole new way. As Ephesians 5:8 (MSG) says, “You groped your way through that murk  once, but no longer. You’re out in the open now. The bright light of Christ makes your way plain. So, no more stumbling around. Get on with it.”
2. Inspiration
   Once a person realizes their need for change, inspiration is a necessary step to change. They can ask God for His help and guidance.  Change may be needed in several areas of life—self-talk, addictions, dealing with emotions, and cultivating community. Anyone who asks God for the courage to change will be transformed into the person God wants them to be.
3. Examination
   Socrates once said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.” An individual must ask themselves if their life measures up to God’s  standards. Anyone who wants to change can start by evaluating their life according to God’s Word. No one is perfect. As one is inspired to make changes, they must take a good hard look at how they measure up to God’s standards. But after examining their life closely, they  should be more inclined to want to live in obedience to God’s Word.
4. Motivation
   When one understands that the life God has for them is beyond what they could even imagine, they have reached the step of motivation.  Walking in His truth and staying obedient to His Word are secret weapons to developing a purpose-driven life. The more someone seeks the kingdom of God and all His righteousness first, the more used of God they will be.
5. Determination
   No matter what a person has been through, giving up should not be an option. If a person falls, they should get up and try again. God  gives second chances—He wants everyone to succeed. With Christ, all things are possible. Stay in the fight and keep reaching for the prize. Anyone who has overcome obstacles has a tremendous amount of determination—they won’t give up. For them, there is no excuse good enough to give up, so they persevere. The more determined they are, the stronger their transformation will be.
6. Realization
   Supernatural things can happen. Persevere until change comes; be of good courage. A person is a champion because of God’s ability to  change them. Everyone matters to God, and He has unique plans for each person. James 1:12 (NLT) says, “God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”

Want to change but don’t know where to start? Call 800 NEW-LIFE. New Life has a network of licensed counselors across the country. Call and  find a counselor today.

Adapted from, Lose It for Life, by Steve Arterburn and Dr. Linda Mintle

In recovery, one must have the courage to look inside. Is it scary? Yes. But someone stuck in addiction must face their authentic self. Their real  self is lurking in the dark underneath whatever it is that they’ve tried to ignore, deny, or cover-up. It’s so much easier for someone to focus on the darkness of other hearts, but it’s much harder to look at the darkness of one’s heart.

Psalm 32 mentions freedom comes from facing the darkness inside and letting it out into the light. The release comes from having the courage to look inside. In the New Living Translation, verse five says, “Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to  myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”

Once a person looks inside, the result is to agree with God. In other words, confession. It is the Holy Spirit convicts of sin. For a person to have a  relationship with God, they must agree with God about it. Sin is inside every person. It is evil—and it deserves punishment. When a sinner   honestly confesses the blackness of their iniquity before God, they can thank God for the cleansing blood of Jesus shed on their account.

Someone in recovery must have the courage to consecrate themselves to God and not hold back. They must have the courage to face the depth,  the breadth, and the blackness of their sin, or the pain it has caused them, others, and even God himself. An addict must let go of their denial, excuses, and self-justifications. Then, they can muster the courage to move into unknown territory–confession, surrendering, and consecration. Attending a Life Recovery Group will help.

The Lord wants a person in recovery to face the unknown, knowing that He is already ahead of them. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, “Be strong. Take Courage. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t give them a second thought because GOD, your God, is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you.”

While the darkness of one’s heart can seem too scary to investigate, God will instill courage in anyone who asks Him. Finally, in the words of John Wayne, “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”

by Mark Verkler

Being joyful during these turbulent times is a challenge. But it’s easier said than done. After all, the world is brimming with trials, difficulties, and sufferings—not to mention addictions, habits, and toxic relationships. So, it’s no wonder everyone is stressed.

When a person is in recovery, what’s an excellent way to respond to the stressors of everyday life? Start by turning things over to God. In Martin Luther’s favorite Psalm, Psalm 118, verse 24 is a good reminder that “the Lord has made” every day. Every day is a glorious gift from the Father. And the best way to use the gift of today is to surrender it to God.

Step 3 of Life Recovery says, “We made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God.” This third step in recovery involves surrendering. When someone is stuck in addiction or unable to move forward in life for any reason, they must work on turning their lives over to the Lord daily. To read and download the 12 Steps to Life Recovery, click here.

Surrender is a military term. It involves giving up one’s rights to the conqueror. When the losing army surrenders, they lay down their arms, and the winners take control from then on. Likewise, surrendering to God works the same way. God has a plan and purpose for every person; to surrender to God, they must set aside their desires and eagerly seek His.

In recovery, when a person completely surrenders all substances they’re using to escape their problems over to God, He calms their fears and guides their every step. Steve Arterburn said it best: “Today, as you face the uncertainties of everyday life, do your best to turn everything over to God. Whatever it is, He can handle it. And you can be sure that He will handle it when the time is right.”

Here is a prescription for a happier and healthier life: (1). Resolve to slow down the pace. (2). Resist the temptation to chase after more pleasure in the form of alcohol, drugs, pornography, shopping, overeating, and codependent relationships. (3). And finally, regain control by learning to say no.

Martin Luther’s song, “A Mighty Fortress,” offers this hope: “We will not fear, for God has willed His truth to triumph through us.” So, take refuge in God—in good times and in bad. And live one day at a time.

For example, in recovery, help is a challenging word. Why? Most people see asking for help as a sign of weakness. The fear of the H-word goes back to the Garden of Eden. Adam told God, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so, I hid” (Genesis 3:10, NIV).

From the world’s perspective, a person who asks for help is weak. But from God’s perspective, a person who asks for help is brave—after all, they are courageous enough to admit they can’t make it on their own. Every person needs a mediator, and that mediator is Christ. It takes great courage and strength for a person to confess their actual condition. However, spiritually speaking, a person stuck in addiction to declare their need for help is to initiate the truth that will set them free.

One of the reasons why it’s hard to ask for help is because, in childhood, boys and girls learn to bury their emotions. When they become grown men and women, they still cover up their feelings and become self-contained rather than risk being humiliated. They have learned to ignore, deny, and minimize their feelings. In many aspects of their lives, they can get away with that strategy. But when it comes to an ongoing issue with addiction, they need the support of others.

Scriptures consistently point to the reality that everyone needs to ask for help. Romans 6:23 says, “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Every person needs a Savior and can’t do it by themselves. Accepting that one is needy and must receive help from others is a spiritual reality; it is the beginning of freedom from addiction.

So many try to fight this battle with addiction on their own. But they only end up failing miserably over and over. Many men and women who have not overcome addiction admit to not having a vulnerable recovery group and sharing their struggles. Joining a Life Recovery Group can be how God leads a person back to the community and wholeness—no more being a lone ranger.

It may be humbling, but anyone can take steps to get help. They must reach out and utter the word HELP! A person stuck in addiction can come to Christ broken, or their addiction will break them. Either way, God will bring a person from addiction into a place of restoration and reconciliation with Him.

God invites a person to Himself when He says, “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know” (Jeremiah 33:3).

In other words, when someone reaches out and asks for help, they will find freedom! For help with getting connected to a licensed counselor, finding a treatment facility, or attending a New Life Workshop, call 800-NEW-LIFE.

by Sam Fraser

If a person with an unhealthy habit does not face the pain that their addiction has caused themselves and others, they will not confess or own up to it. As a result, they will continue to turn to their addiction to find momentary relief from the burden of their shame.

Shame, however, may allow a person struggling with addiction to focus attention on the welfare of God and others above their own. Confessions made in the light of shame lead a person to recover to restore relationships with loving dignity and help develop accurate self-perceptions considering God’s true view of them, which does something better than provide relief from the shame they feel. It gives them a deep sense of rest in their minds and hearts. The cost of not facing their shame is too high a price to pay.

Another way that the loophole of denial keeps the addict from facing the painful truth is by creating an alternative to the truth. Alternatives to the facts are simply lies. Lies help them to maintain the illusion that they can avoid rejection and increase the chances of acceptance by presenting themselves as someone they are not.

The problem with creating alternatives is that acceptance is never fully experienced. A person who has an addiction is never fully known because the truth of who they are remains hidden underneath the lies; therefore, they stay distance themselves from others.

The person held back by addiction shares a false self with others. Those who are closest to them will never experience them as they are. Then, they wind up never trusting or being intimate with anyone. The alternative at first seems like it will increase acceptance and decrease rejection, but in the end, it isolates the person further by taking them away from the truth of who they are, others are, and who God is.

Christ provides a way out of the shame-based loopholes of denial. When prodigals turn from their sin and go home, they find redemption. Not only that, but they will also find the acceptance, love, and relationship in Father’s healing embrace.

The Father celebrates all prodigals returning home by announcing, “for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found” (Luke 15:24, NLT). Begin to discover the True Truth by reading The Life Recovery Bible.

by Fred Feliciano

1. Identify the Wound That Planted the Bitterness.
   Bitterness can develop from hurt or a wound that has never healed. Look inside to determine what damage may be causing resentment toward someone or something.
2. Work on the Right Side of the Fence.
   Romans 12:18 says, “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” If possible (and safe), the offended should try to reconcile with their offender. If their effort is rejected or rebuffed, then they should release themselves from their response. The person offended can only be responsible for their actions; so, they are not responsible for the person who offended them.
3. Consider the Other Person’s Bitterness.
   The wounded person should look at the person who hurt them and think about what might have caused them to act the way they did—they may have some deep hurt or pain that is unresolved. Not that it justifies what they did, but a little empathy can go a long way to breaking up the hard soil around the bitter roots.
4. Give up Seeking an Apology or Restitution.
   A victim may never get the apology, restitution, compensation, or restoration that they have been longing for, so they must let it go. Giving up that expectation can free a person by loosening the soil and pulling out the bitter roots.
5. Change the Landscape.
   Suppose a person has done everything to work out a difficult, painful situation or an ongoing relationship. In that case, the person may need to take a bold step to distance themselves from that problematic person or situation. They may need to end a relationship, set up boundaries, find a new job, or move to a different community to get away from ongoing abuse. 6. Give It to God. Remember that God says, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back” (Deuteronomy 32:35). Give the offender over to God; they will have to answer to God, anyway. Decide to forgive them and let it go. Because if a person does not forgive, the bitterness will eat them up, poison their other relationships, and rob them of peace and joy.

by Dr. Sheri Keffer

One of the blessings that came from the fall of man in the Garden of Eden was brokenness. How can brokenness be a blessing? As a natural outcome of eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, shame caused Adam and Eve to want to hide. When God discovered Adam and Eve’s sin, they ran from Him. Adam and Eve moved out of the light and into the darkness to conceal their sin and shame. But God sought them out to redeem their brokenness.

Adam and Eve put on fig leaves to hide their nakedness until God gave them animal skins to wear as clothing. God provided lovingly for them in the depth of their shame. But they weren’t the only ones to put on fig leaves. Since then, every person after them has also tried to cover their shame. Why? Because people hide in the wilderness instead of seeking God’s presence, thinking they are too broken. It simply is not valid.

When it comes to addiction, a person stuck in addiction will first try to hide from God. That is because of shame—it makes people judge and condemn themselves. Also, it encourages negative self-talk such as: “It happened again!”, “Sobriety will never work out!”, “It is impossible to overcome addiction.”

A person who is full of shame will often get depressed and beat themselves up for their choices. They may isolate because they feel unworthy and deserving of banishment. So, they feel like they have no other choice but to do what Adam and Eve did. As a result, a person stuck in addiction will continue to hide and cover themselves.

There is a story that explains brokenness well. There was once a young priest who was about to lift the communion cup and bless the cup. The crystal cup was beautiful. But when he lifted the cup, it slipped out of his hand and broke all over the floor. He looked up at the older priest, thinking that priest would ridicule him. Instead, the priest said, “I never knew there were so many beautiful pieces to reflect the light until the cup was broken.”

It is the light that shines through the brokenness that is so beautiful—for that light is the Lord. A person who struggles with addiction fears being broken or seen as broken. But as this story illustrates, it is in brokenness that the light of Christ can shine through, making the brokenness beautiful.

Many people resist recovery because it’s hard to give up control. However, the longer a person tries to hold onto power, the longer they will live in pain, isolated and disconnected. For help with recovery, find a licensed Christian counselor.

Brokenness may seem like a roadblock to healing and wholeness, but on the contrary, it is a door that one can enter and discover a new life. Once a person opens the door, they begin the incredible recovery journey and experience God’s blessings for them.

1. Humor Has Been Shown to Lower Blood Pressure.

2. Studies Show Humor Strengthens the Immune System.

• When one laughs, their body raises levels of infection-fighting T-cells, proteins, and antibodies.

3. Laughter Is Good for the Heart.

4. Frequent Belly Laughs Help the Respiratory System.

• When one laughs, their lungs empty good portions of air, producing a cleansing effect.

5. Laughter Has Been Shown to Reduce Stress and Pain.

6. Laughter Stimulates Both Sides of the Brain,
Which Increases Learning and Retention.

• Incorporate humor when learning—it will be easier to remember.

7. Laughter Results in Muscle Relaxation.

8. Humor Is a Great Coping Device.

• When kids are challenging, work seems unbearable, and yet another home appliance breaks, a parent should look for humor. It will not only help them get through a stressful situation, but it’ll also give them a renewed focus and strength.

9. Humor Relieves Tension.

10. Humor Builds Relationships.

• When people laugh together, a connection is made. Observe someone’s sense of humor closely, and gain insight into their fears.

11. This Good Medicine Is Free!

• It costs nothing, yet its benefits are priceless.

Sometimes, a person who struggles with an unhealthy habit doesn’t connect because of a lack of experience. They don’t know how to interact with others—either they haven’t learned how, or their experiences have taught them it’s painful to connect.

Fear is present. What-ifs fill their mind. They begin to worry about things that are beyond their control. And pride leads them to feel that they don’t need to connect. Shame—either their own or put on them by someone else—keeps them from building relationships.

Addiction initially offers a fearless, safe, and shame-free connection. There are no expectations from using, and so the person who is addicted builds a relationship with the drug, alcohol, or substance they’re using instead of people, and addiction becomes their friend. But it doesn’t bring true satisfaction; eventually, it will lead to despair.

For someone stuck in addiction to connect with people in authentic, real relationships, there will be many things they will have to change. For example, to bond with others, genuine relationships will require humility.

There’s a famous saying hung in classrooms and playgrounds, and it reads, “Nobody act big; nobody act little; everybody act medium.” What’s valid for kids is also true for adults. If someone wants to connect with others, they will need to let go of their pride and set their ego aside to develop healthy relationships.

So, if disconnection is part of the problem, then connection will be part of the solution necessary for building relationships. Courage and perseverance will also play a role; a person in recovery must look at each experience as a learning experience.

A love for God and understanding how He loves each person uniquely will help a person stuck in addiction to create a love for others—joining a Life Recovery Group will also help. And so will surrendering their life to God “who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20, NIV).

The rewards of connecting with God and others are eternal— building authentic relationships in one’s daily life will encourage recovery and healing. For more help, listen to The Law of Connection CD.

By Steve Arterburn

Read more about Steve.

Here are some characteristics of addictive sex that can help identify the difference between a healthy sex life and a destructive one.

1. Addictive sex is done in isolation.

This does not always mean that it is only done while physically alone. It can also mean that mentally and emotionally the addict is detached, or isolated, from human relationship and contact. What is supposed to be the most intimately personal of human behaviors becomes utterly impersonal for the addict.

2. Addictive sex is secretive.

In effect, sex addicts develop a double life through habits such as practicing masturbation, viewing porn online, and visiting massage parlors. To attempt to minimize their guilt and shame, they hide what they are doing from others. In a sense, they also hide from themselves by not wanting to face the reality of where their addiction has led them.

3. Addictive sex is devoid of intimacy.

Sex addicts are utterly self-focused. They cannot achieve genuine intimacy because their self-obsession leaves no room for giving to others. Any emotional connection that a healthy sexual life might bring them is quickly dismissed to make room for the fulfillment of their own desires.

4. Addictive sex is devoid of relationship.

Addictive sex is merely sex for its own sake, divorced from authentic interaction of persons. This is most clear with regard to fantasy, pornography, and masturbation. Even with sex involving a partner, the partner is not really seen as a “person” but as a replaceable object. They are simply an interchangeable part in an impersonal – almost mechanical – process.

5. Addictive sex is victimizing.

The overwhelming obsession with self-gratification blinds sex addicts to the harmful effects their behavior is having on others, and even on themselves. While attempting to avoid the pain in their own lives, they are causing immeasurable pain in the lives of others, and actually increasing the personal pain that they’re trying so hard to dissipate.

6. Addictive sex ends in despair.

When married couples make love, they are more fulfilled for having had the experience. Addictive sex leaves the participants feeling guilty, regretting the experience. Rather than fulfilling them, it leaves them emptier than before.

7. Addictive sex is used to escape pain and/or problems.

The escapist nature of addictive sex is often one of the clearest indicators that it is present. When someone uses sexual pleasure to try and override negative emotional feelings, they are self-medicating, similar to the use of a drug. They will find that they need more and more of it to continue to escape the increasingly painful consequences.

God intended sex to be a beautiful expression of love and intimacy between a husband and wife. When sex is used in purely selfish ways to fuel an addiction, it is destructive to all those involved. The addict coming into recovery must be vigilant to identify when he may be falling back into these marks of sex addiction.

Take for example the man who is addicted to pornography. He may feel as if he’s not violating any physical boundaries, as everything he’s engaged with is virtual. There is typically no physical place and no physical touch involved. He may see himself as much different from the men of years past, men such as those who would visit a brothel in the early 20th century But the biting reality is that he is no different from those men. His vehicle of acting out has simply advanced from previous generations. His brothel is the internet.

For another man, it may be a literal door standing between him and his sexual desires. The door of the strip club, or the door of the hotel room where he is meeting his affair partner, has become an entryway into his personal brothel. Each time a man takes cash out for the massage parlor, or makes a phone call to a prostitute, he is ringing the bell of that door. It becomes painstakingly obvious that a man trapped in sexual addiction, whether virtual or physical, is using every resource he can find to feed something inside of him. He doesn’t know what he is searching for, but as Bruce Marshall laid out so simply, this man is actually looking for God.

The Bible is full of verses about how only God can satisfy someone’s deepest desires. At its core, addiction is an illegitimate way to seek to fill a hole, heal a wound, or change a feeling. According to God’s Word, He is the only one that can actually heal and change someone. Jesus said that “those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life” (John 4:14, NLT). This eternal life can begin today, and the water He gives can start to quench the longings of someone’s soul. For a man looking for satisfaction from sex, this is very good news. The addiction that he has sought to fill the void is not working as well as he thinks it should, or he would not have to keep going back to it, despite all of the feelings of shame and guilt. The spiritual water that Jesus gives can truly satisfy this same man, and satisfy him for good for the rest of his life.

The brothel door for a man in this digital age can have many different forms. Regardless of its form, the man who rings the bell of this door is seeking the fulfillment of a deep longing inside of him, a longing that only God can fill. Making a change to see this requires much effort and help from others. A man cannot do it alone. The Every Man’s Battle Workshop or a licensed Christian counselor can help a man begin to have the relationship with God and others that he needs to find hope outside of his brothel.

The answer is that a man in sexual addiction is trapped in a cycle of shame and failure. He may love God and those people around him, but the shame of what he is doing in secret, as well as the failure he continues to experience, is keeping him in a cycle of rinse and repeat. He gives in to sexual sin, then feels shame about giving in, which leads to a deep sense of failure, both from himself, and many times from those around him. This feeling of inadequacy leads him right back into the addiction he was trying to escape in the first place as it seems like the only way out. For him, the future is a bleak one, with a series of secrets and failures dimming the path.

But there is another way.

In The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, the authors say that they “thought [they] could find an easier, softer way” out of their addiction. They quickly realized they could not and that “the result was nil until [they] let go absolutely”. For the sex addict, letting go of their addiction may be the hardest thing they’ll ever have to do. It may feel like they’re letting go of the very thing that has gotten them through life. But their idea of the way out of the pain of life is only leading them right back to the same addiction over and over. The answer, then, can only be found with the help of God and others. Only God, and the counsel of other men who have gone through the same trial of letting go, can help someone change their perspective about their addiction.

With the cycle of addiction in full swing, the promise of a better future seems extremely far away. This future is not only one of getting out of an addiction, but a preferred future that a man has actually always wanted. A preferred future is one of joy and peace filled with healthy relationships, not stagnant death and despair. A man cannot see this by himself; he needs someone to come alongside him and show him what a preferred future actually looks like.

Joining a group such as a Sustained Victory Group will help a man get with other men who are walking the same path out of addiction, with God’s help. A preferred future can start today, it doesn’t have to wait.

1. Forgiveness always involves the moral side of life. It consists of a sense of right and wrong, fairness and justice. It also includes a sense of love, compassion, and mercy. When someone violates a person with a seemingly unforgivable act, at least some of the victim’s values have been broken.
2. No matter how just it may seem, revenge can never bring satisfaction. After all, it can never replace what has been destroyed. It also brings the offended down to the level of the offender. Staying with vengeful thoughts is like playing an endless—and painful—video repeatedly.
3. In Colossians 2:13, Paul describes forgiveness, “You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ. He forgave all our sins.” However, some want to make certain things unforgivable.
4. “Forgive and forget” is a common belief that keeps many from forgiving in the first place. God forgives and forgets (Jeremiah 31:34, Ps. 103:12), so many think they should, too. But “forgive and remember” is the true way to healing. When someone experiences real forgiveness, there is more to remember than pain. They should remind themselves of what God has done and is doing in their lives through His forgiveness.
5. Forgiving other people does not in any way benefit or let them off the hook. Forgiveness frees the victim from the expectation of restitution for the wrongs done to them. It allows the offended to cancel the debt the offender owes them, which in all probability, they can never repay anyway.
6. For genuine reconciliation to happen, the person offended needs to forgive, and the offender needs to show godly sorrow over what they have done. God requires every believer to forgive, but reconciliation is optional. After all, reconciliation depends on the offender’s attitude.
7. A person tends to choose the path of bitterness when they get caught up with wanting to understand the reasons for the offense. They think if they could only understand why the offender did what they did, they could get over it and let it go—it leads to isolation and aloneness as they obsess over the painful event.
8. Be careful not to take forgiveness out of its spiritual context because forgiveness is best understood in the context of God’s forgiveness. The theological and spiritual roots of forgiveness are what give it its healing power. Apart from that, it can be a helpful tool but never to the same degree as when it is connected to the reality of God’s forgiveness.
9. Forgiveness is not a simple process. Sometimes a miracle occurs. But other times, a person plods along toward forgiveness. Nevertheless, God always honors the move toward forgiveness; it is His plan for every person.
10. When one forgives, they allow God to work miracles in His way and His time.

Adapted from Forgiving What You’ll Never Forget by Dr. Dave Stoop

In some ways, the effects of shame can be like the effects of erosion. Over the years, water can accumulate and create erosion. For example, the impact of corrosion on a dam is easy to see because the water can tear away the dam’s walls, making a small canyon for the water to escape through.

Matthew 7:26-27 says, “Anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”

When the storms of life such as stress, problems at work, or conflict with a spouse arise, the coping abilities a person uses can crumble because addiction provides them with a false sense of mastery. These strong negative emotions can lead to isolation, hiding, denial, division of the self, depression, decreased self-esteem, and feelings of anger towards oneself and others. Shame is an indictment of the person’s self, but vulnerability in trusted relationships can reverse its effects.

Having seen that shame erodes the very fabric of relationships with self and others, what are the results of true conviction? A person receives numerous blessings from living out a life based on genuine trust, yet shame leads to the destruction of relationships. Also, a life based on true conviction leads to strengthened relationships, community, openness, acceptance, union with self, and agreement with Scripture.

Living through true conviction is like building a house upon a rock. The storms of life will come and rage, but a house built on a solid foundation will stand. Matthew 7:24-25 states, “Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock.”

This week, begin to listen to and respond to true conviction rather than shame. Shame works to destroy the inner life and the sense of self, just like water quickly erodes a dam once it’s broken. Instead, stop the break and erosion. Rebuild by responding to the true conviction of the Holy Spirit. A solid life happens through confession, openly taking responsibility, and choosing to build a house on Christ, the Solid Rock. When the storms of life rage, remember, it can help to meet with a licensed Christian counselor.

Financial issues often surface when the person with the addiction begins to gain some control over their recovery by maintaining more extended periods of sobriety. As they start to feel victorious over their unhealthy habits, they may increase spending on gadgets, hobbies, or other compulsive purchases. In recovery, a relationship with God must become the primary focus. If someone is pursuing materialism, their financial idols will come into conflict with their spiritual walk.

Just as people handle finances reveals their true values, it also shows how they manage their lives. Whether it is money, television, hobbies, alcohol, etc., there may be a secondary addiction underneath the more visible primary unhealthy habit. A person who struggles with addiction has not developed the same ability to tolerate frustration, other negative emotions, or delay gratification to the same degree as someone sober.

Unfortunately, simply removing the method of coping—the addictive behaviors—does not give a person the necessary skills to manage in a fallen world. Not only does this make sobriety increasingly tricky, but it also leaves them feeling even more powerless and ultimately sets them up for relapse.

Recovery is not just about abstaining from acting out; it is complete healing of the heart. Ezekiel 36:26 says, “And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.”

The person with addiction needs to learn sobriety, and they also need to learn to cope with old triggers in healthy ways. Knowing this makes facing recovery more manageable as it helps to refocus on the actual issues. It empowers by causing us to seek new ways of relating. Make changes through small, attainable steps and goals.

Ultimately, people must address their triggers and emotions. When they can refocus on the actual problem, they regain power and may no longer feel the need to spend or engage in other unhealthy secondary coping behaviors. Using a journal, like The Life Recovery Journal, to help—or recover from—a relapse can be essential in healing.

Remember the Parable of the Prodigal Son? When the prodigal son moved home, he had to make amends. He left home to find his freedom and hurt his family as he made this choice. He didn’t handle that kind of freedom well, though, and “he wasted all his money in wild living” (Luke 15:13, NLT).

No doubt, as the prodigal son headed back home, he rehearsed what he would say. He may have identified what sins he had committed against God and his family, then he confessed it. Finally, because of his betrayal, he saw his unworthiness, an accurate picture of himself. It was no longer about him; he no longer cared just about himself. He was ready now to see the reality of his condition.

Sometimes making amends requires someone to write a letter to each person in their family. The letter should state what they did wrong, ask for forgiveness, and see if there is anything they can do to make amends. A family member may respond by yelling, screaming, or disowning altogether. Accepting their response with humility may open the door for reconciliation. The family member may not want to, and that is their choice.

In this step, a person needs to reflect on what their family might say and prepare for their response. It means trying to see their family members’ point of view and not defend their wrong. In addition, they will need to accept the outcome, knowing it may not be what they expect and understand how their addiction has affected others. By realizing how they hurt their own family, they can begin to make better choices in their recovery, which will make for healthy and whole relationships.

In the case of the prodigal son, the story does not explain how long he was gone. It does, however, explain that it had taken him quite a while to go through his inheritance. By the time the prodigal son returned home, his father was so excited that he had a party to welcome him home: “For this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found” (v.24). The older brother was angry and rejected the brothers’ amends (vs. 28). The response is not always the same for everyone in the family.

Making amends with family is an essential part of recovery and cannot be avoided. Learn more about making amends and experiencing true recovery by attending a Life Recovery Group.

Let me start with my premise: there is a difference between looking and noticing.

I may have lost some of the women reading this already. Hope not. Hope you’ll read on.

In the context of sexual integrity issues or sexual addiction, men develop a habit of looking. There becomes an automatic response that once a woman (or man, if that is your style of acting out. For the sake of this conversation I’ll use ‘woman’, but both apply) enters the periphery our eyes are drawn there. The more depraved and deeply entrenched our sexual integrity issues, the more focused that looking can be. We can develop a habit of looking at exactly the right height to notice the body parts we’re most interested in. I’ve talked to men who have an uncanny ability to pinpoint a woman’s ring finger when he turns to look at her. To be clear, by saying it becomes automatic I am not excusing the behavior. It’s become a bad habit because of deliberate choices that over time have sunken into our subconscious. To that end, men entering the recovery process often don’t even realize they are doing it. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard the conversation where a wife is demanding her husband admit he intentionally checked out a woman, and he swears up and down he didn’t. Typically they find a stalemate at the point where she is fed up with trying to convince him to own that he looked, and he is feeling powerless to convince her that he simply noticed. Ugh.

Unfortunately the way many men (Including myself in the beginning) handle this difficult situation is to act like a petulant child and start in with the all-or-nothings. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I can’t remove all women from this world”. “Am I supposed to quit my job and live in a cave?” “She’ll never believe that I didn’t look – she only believes what she wants to believe”. “Fine, we’ll just never go out in public together”.

But it can go other unhelpful directions too.

Some guys will land at the ‘its my recovery’ place where they further jeopardize their wife’s heart. “Well, I know I did the right thing and I can’t convince her otherwise, so she’ll just have to deal with it”. This will go south quickly.

Or here’s another one I used to justify my looking behavior: “She’s just a pretty woman, and God made her that way. It’s not wrong for me to appreciate her beauty”. Nice….cloak it in Scripture and make God the scapegoat. I wonder how that conversation will go when God looks us in the eyes and asks why we used him as the ‘out’ for our sin?

Then there’s the minimizing route. “Hey, I just looked…I didn’t touch. At least I didn’t flirt with her, or hit on her, or [fill in the blank with some past acting out behavior]. ” Just FYI, when wives are triggered, it is almost never helpful for them to hear you measure present progress against past acting out behavior. The guys in your accountability group can high-five you for not flirting or whatever, but most of our wives don’t want to give kudos for doing what we should’ve been doing in the first place: living with integrity.

Anyway, I digress. For men who are actively working recovery, managing their eyes and thoughts, as well as trying to honor God and wife, inevitably they will notice other women. Their eyes will be drawn that direction. After having lived by objectifying other people and trying to get a hit of the lust drug, the old habits and mechanics won’t die easily. But there is a difference between noticing and looking.

Looking is a willful, intentional behavior specifically connected to a lack of integrity. Noticing is a twofold thing. First, it is the residue from a life of looking. It may now be a habit, but in recovery noticing lacks the willful intent. I don’t say this to excuse it, nor to convince a wife that it shouldn’t be hurtful, but the heart attitude is different. Further, if a man in recovery bounces his eyes, replaces his thoughts and honors God with how he handles it, those notices that are residual from the addiction will gradually decrease over time. But I don’t know that they’ll ever go away, which leads to my second point.

Some noticing is normal. We notice people; because of their looks, their clothing, mannerisms, gait, etc. It is part of life. I didn’t say oogling, double or triple-taking, staring up and down, or laser focusing on specific body parts.

If this debate has led to a stalemate at your house, I urge you to talk about the differences. Talk about the heart attitude behind what your eyes take in.

Finally, what I hope we all move toward, is seeing. Not looking, not just noticing, but actually seeing. Let me explain.

God the father and Jesus the son both saw people as image bearers. Throughout Scripture we see interactions between the Divine and humanity where He sees beyond skin to what is happening in the heart. In John 4 we find a story of Jesus encountering a Samaritan woman at a well. While she’s bending over to draw water, I suspect Jesus isn’t looking down her shirt! He’s not gawking at her and he’s not checking her out. He even reads her mail in a sense and knows her promiscuity. Opportunity perhaps? No, Jesus sees beyond all that to this woman’s heart. My hope is that we can all begin to see people through the lens of image bearers. May God work in us to see beyond boobs, hair, butt and body, to instead see people as He does; broken, beautiful and in need of a relationship with Him.

When fathers abandon their families, they plant seeds of discord in their sons that may unconsciously come to the surface when their sons marry. Boys usually perceive their fathers as the epitome of masculinity’ even if the father has little time or concern for his sons. For this reason, sons often grow up to repeat their father’s behavior, thereby perpetuating the current crisis between fathers and sons.

In other families, fathers remained in the home physically but abandoned their sons emotionally. These men worked day and night, and played hard all weekend. Not only was the father-son relationship void of nurture, it left a negative impact on the boy, who was treated as an inconvenience or an interruption in his father’s life. Just at the time the boy needed a man to help him practice being a man, his father was off somewhere struggling with his own manhood.

Yet, God calls all men to be men. If your earthly dad was irresponsible, I encourage you to look to your heavenly Father. Read, pursue counseling, and seek friendships with good, Christian men. Irresponsible dads raise angry sons. Let’s not continue this pattern.

by Stephen Arterburn

We cannot blame Facebook–it’s what people do on Facebook that is the problem. The most obvious problem develops when out of curiosity, one reaches out to an old flame–“just to see how they are doing.” Or an old flame reaches out to us for the same reason. Without realizing it, we can soon be spending more time “Facebooking” with an old flame than we’re doing face-time with our spouse. And the longer we reminisce about those old feelings the more we find they become current feelings.

I don’t do Facebook. I have a Facebook page, but it is managed by the New Life Live radio/TV program people. But I’ve worked with couples whose major complaint was that their spouse was spending hours a day on Facebook, posting pictures, chatting, and checking on their “friends” postings. It’s all too easy to get caught up in what appears to be someone else’s exciting life, especially if we feel we are merely existing.

Another step to creating a major problem in a marriage is for one partner to become too personal in what they share with a “friend.” Talking about your marital issues with someone other than your spouse creates intimacy with that person, and it is especially dangerous if they are of the opposite sex. That’s really how just about every Facebook affair begins–They say they simply just sat and talked with an attractive other about what was not working in their marriage.

In the real world, an affair can take months to develop. But on Facebook, all it takes is a couple of clicks. People are tempted, and it is so much easier to give in to that temptation on Facebook. One may be too reserved, or shy in real life, but they can become much bolder behind the screen than they would be in person. Many of those who have ended up destroying their marriage would never have even thought about having an affair without the private seduction available over Facebook.

How do you know if your marriage is in danger? The problem is already occurring if one person refuses to talk with their spouse about what is happening on their Facebook. If you are being shut out of your spouse’s activities on Facebook, your marriage is probably already in the danger zone. Safety comes with complete openness regarding who you each are talking with, and when both of you know all of each other’s passwords. That’s at least a beginning point in protecting your marriage. Be careful in this digital age–you don’t want to be one of the 33%.

How do you handle Facebook and other social media issues in your marriage? In your family?

Article was sourced from the blog of Dr. Dave Stoop with permission: Dr Stoop is a regular co-host on New Life Live!

It is time to make some decisions. What are we doing with all the junk that is coming at us? Consume it, get in way over our heads or are we going to live for things that are greater? There is a point in which we have to acknowledge that what we keep hidden from our wives, girlfriends and children we are not proud of. The question is simply will you live a life that is transparent?

Will you fight the battle?

At the core of consuming porn is selfishness. I will get my fix. No one will know. It is my secret. It is what I do in private. My dad did it. Everyone does it and I am going to as well.

Lust is a fantasy designed to do one thing-keep you completely to yourself. It is a lie. Lust tries to tell you what sex should feel like and look like. Lust will destroy the relationships around you. You will pull away from reality because of this secret. As you allow lust to consume you, it becomes your life and you will eventually lose control to addiction. Stop now. Be done with it all. Change today because there are much greater things than lust to give your time, money and energy to.

Some things you should consider right away:

1. Confess:
   Call 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433) to talk to someone about getting your life on the road to recovery.
2. Go to an Every Man’s Battle Workshop:
   Porn. Lust. Affairs. They’ve taken your life to a place you never could have imagined. It’s a serious problem that requires a serious solution. The Every Man’s Battle Workshop is the place where men engage in the battle to get back their sexual integrity. In this intensive three-day workshop you’ll work with licensed Christian counselors who will arm you with the weapons you need for victory. The enemy may have wounded you, but the battle is not over. Register today. Too much is at stake not to take action.
3. Get a Covenant Eyes filter.
   Enter promo code NLM to get the first 30 days free.

Here is a brief excerpt from Worthy of Her Trust where I address this.

Men who commit sexual betrayal, especially those who are sexually addicted, are incredibly adept at compartmentalizing their behavior. Picture a closet wall with shelves from top to bottom, wall to wall. Each shelf holds as many shoeboxes, placed lengthwise, as will fit, with only a small gap between each one. Every box has a label that can easily be seen and read from the door of the closet. These boxes represent the fragmented, compartmentalized mind of a man consumed with sexual sin. Each box holds pieces of his life that when a person is healthy are all intermingled. But with an unhealthy person, these pieces are isolated so that one doesn’t touch another, except in rare cases of comingling for self-preservation or for an unusual, meaningful event.

On the very top shelf, to the far left side, is a box marked Family. This box contains the memories of the wedding day, shared assets like a house and bank accounts, kids’ birthday parties, family vacations, dinners with relatives, and Christmas mornings. It holds dreams of life together and the “happily ever after.” It also holds love, commitment, empathy, security, provision, care, concern, and the other raw materials that make up the fabric of a marital relationship. At a time when a man is doing family life, for example, on Christmas morning, he slides this box off the shelf, pops off the lid, and takes out the contents. He is fully immersed in the contents (not to be confused with being fully present in the moment) and thus not digging around any of the other boxes. His mind is on his family and the festivities of unwrapping gifts, putting together toys, finding batteries, and cooking breakfast. When he is finished with the Family box, he puts all the pieces back in it, places the lid firmly on the top, and returns it to its place on the top shelf.

On the bottom shelf, in the far right-hand corner, is a box labeled Sexual Sin. This box contains the destructive, painful, shame-filled, and exciting elements of his addiction. When a man pulls this box off the shelf and dumps out the contents, he is totally engrossed by them. Whether the box contains pornography, masturbation, strip club visits, an affair, or a full-on sexual addiction, his attention is solely focused on its contents.

By the way, some men describe a feeling of tunnel vision when they head toward acting out, as if they can see nothing else but the next high. This is a function of compartmentalization and, metaphorically, digging around inside this box. What’s important to understand is that when a man is preoccupied with his Sexual Sinbox, he is completely out of touch with and disconnected from his Family box. It’s as if when he is in one box, he is literally detached from all the others.

A wife will ask how her husband could commit the act of betrayal without thinking about her or the family? This is how: men compartmentalize their lives to the point where the singular focus of one area is all encompassing and becomes a barrier to his comingling the other compartments. The boxes are distinct and separate; there is very little overlap. When we’re in one box, we aren’t in another. There are rare occasions when a man is mesmerized with the contents of his Sexual Sin box that a moment of clarity and conscience will prompt him to take a quick glance at the Family box. For a brief, fleeting moment, he’ll think, I shouldn’t be in this box. I should pick up all these pieces, close up the box, and throw it in the trash. I should completely get it out of the closet. For good…

But then, like a flashing light, the contents spilled on the floor before him grab his attention again and redirect him, so he ignores what he has seen. Addictive, compulsive, coping, self-preserving tendencies prevail, and he continues in shame-bound denial. Once he has acted out and no longer needs what this box offers, he’ll quickly scoop up the contents, close the box, and return it to the shelf. He won’t think about it until the addiction beckons again. Until then, he’ll be able to operate in any number of other boxes in his closet.

When a wife hears me share this closet metaphor, she’ll say something about how frustrated the whole thing makes her. She’ll say that compartmentalization sounds like an excuse. Even Shelley had this opinion when she was proofreading this section! She felt a little frustrated, like I was providing an escape clause or something for the men who commit betrayal! It seems to tap a nerve in wives.

That’s okay. I’m not writing this to fix it or make it feel better, nor even to make a husband’s betrayal more palatable. I simply want everyone to be informed and to understand. There is a small part of me that hopes a wife will process this information in a way that decreases her inclination to vilify her husband. It does not apply to every wife, but some see their husband as a terrible monster who has deliberately stripped away her dignity and whose evil intent is to inflict perpetual wounds. Chances are, this is just not the case.

Anyway, it is safe to say that the boxes are self-soothing, coping strategies that men use to deal with life. The fragmented mind of a sexually addicted man often finds its origin in his childhood. For myriad reasons, the child needed and developed distinct boxes, each with its own set of rules, regulations, and relationships in order to make sense of or deal with the pain in his world.

We all do this to some extent. For example, we each have a unique set of parameters that guide our speech and behavior when we are at an important business dinner versus a meal at home. For me, the guidelines for a business meal say it is important to choose my words carefully, be interested in others, not talk too much, remember to chew with my mouth closed, and refrain from belches and other bodily harmonics. Those parameters are very different (hopefully) than a casual dinner at home, where I might dominate the conversation, talk while I smack my food, and gradually increase my volume to be heard above the cacophony of my boys clamoring for attention.

While we all have some compartmentalization techniques that help us appropriately through life, a man who commits sexual betrayal has more distinct and defined containers and stronger dividers between them. This facilitates his ability to willingly commit such hurtful acts and inflict immeasurable damage to his marriage and other family relationships.

Compartmentalization is not nearly as big an issue for women. They typically don’t operate this way. Most women think holistically. They have fewer compartments, so to speak, but those compartments are interconnected. What goes on in one container impacts others, because they are interwoven. As such, almost every wife I talk to says she could never imagine herself behaving in such hurtful ways and with total disregard for her husband and children.

The root word of integrity is integer, a whole number. It is not divisible nor disjointed. Thus striving for integrity means working toward integrating all the compartments. Extending the metaphor of the closet of boxes, integrity is a process by which all the boxes are removed from the closet and dumped in the middle of the floor, where all the pieces commingle. The contents of one box mix with the contents of the other boxes. Work melds with Family. Home gets intermixed with Fun. Sexual Sin is dealt with because it’s in the same pile as the God and Church box. In fact, this is one of the primary drivers for encouraging men to commit to full disclosure. The deconstructing of your boxes that hold all your secrets is a prerequisite for integration and connection with your wife!

By Jason Martinkus

Sex studies have concluded that for most men our sex drive, hormonally speaking, peaks at about age 15-20 or so. Since that is true as we move towards 25, 35, 45 and beyond, even though our sex drive begins to wane I didn’t notice that my frequency of acting out declined. So what gives?

The activity of masturbation is no longer exclusively about the amount of testosterone flowing through our veins. Rather it is an expression of another ‘drive’ taking place.

Of the many forces that could keep this battle raging, I want to address only one, loneliness. Acting out in this way actually may be a substitute for not having a special relationship. For many singles, from 25 on, it can become part of a lifestyle to manage loneliness.

This lesson took me from being an unmarried single into my 30’s, married into my 40’s, to divorced and single again to figure out.

As a single person I was never able to overcome this temptation alone, by myself, in isolation. I could white knuckle it for periods of time but never conquer it.

It was only after I was single again that I learned how much I needed to be connected to others. Having a couple of dear friends with whom I can share my needs, hurts and deepest feelings is like air and food–I can’t live without it! Until I had those kinds of people around me I was never able to have very much success in this important spiritual area of my life. I would masturbate the feelings of loneliness because I wasn’t connected.

For a long time I did not know how to admit this need.

With my boyhood training about being independent, self-reliant, and standing tall, coupled with “big boys don’t cry” attitudes that pretty much shut me down emotionally throughout my formative years and well into adulthood. I was programmed to grow up as a man to stand alone. To ask for help went against the very grain of my upbringing. Some men have been able to battle sexual temptation and succeed on their own. However, for me and many others like me I am unable to do it without help.

As a single man this becomes even more pronounced. Not having the type of friendships, or having the personal communication skills to express my loneliness openly and honestly had been my downfall. Since I couldn’t be real with my feelings, the development of a secret life became the place where I felt and acted in a manner that I didn’t feel was ok in my “real life.” Masturbation became the intimacy I craved in lieu of having a genuine relationship. Masturbation became the outlet I had substituted for healthy expressions of my maleness. It became sort of the social life that I did not have in real life. It was a way to cope with loneliness. It became the way to connect with myself since I was not connecting with others.

One of the great benefits of attending the Every Man’s Battle workshop is the opportunity, for many, the first time to be open and honest in a safe environment with other men to speak openly and frankly about this problem. We are all aware of the Scripture’s directives about sexual purity. But there are few places that we can openly discuss the struggles we have in this area of or spiritual life.

Churches and Christian men’s groups are beginning to respond to the need for men to talk about the battle. There are people and places that can support you. Find them or you call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE for help.

by Sam Fraser

Paul reports his experience of praying for God to remove a sin pattern that he was unable to master, his personal thorn in 2 Corinthians chapter 12. There is much speculation of what Paul’s thorn actually was but nobody knows for certain. However, I definitely know what mine has been. Perhaps you do as well.

Paul prayed three times to have this “thorn” removed. The Lord’s answer: Uh-uh, nada, zilch, negatory, no deal. God did not deliver Paul from his personal thorn either. Sometimes God is like that; He doesn’t always do the straightforward thing. Paul prayed and did not get the obvious and expected solution. God was up to something else. God was teaching Paul a deeper spiritual truth. For some things, God wants us to rely on Him much more than we normally would.

The answer was elucidated for Paul when he writes, “When we are weak, then we are strong”. (2 Cor. 12:10).

So, I am spiritually strong when I can confess that my puny human strength fails me. I can identify with that. I cannot maintain my sexual integrity in my own strength, in my own power, through my efforts. God has to supply the strength. The flesh nature is not strong enough and it never will be. But, rather, it is a confession that sets me free from continuing in my futile attempts. It also disrupts the powerlessness and shame of failure that lead to despair. The despair sets in motion a cycle that leads to more acting out.

By confessing that I don’t have what it takes I find healing. I can now agree with Paul that the secret of my strength will be in a willing confession that I don’t have what it takes. Nor will I ever. This has been very restorative. Additionally, knowing that each time I cry out for His strength and relying on Him will make me spiritually stronger. Hallelujah! Now I get it, duh!

Still, asking for help (cf., my article in the archives on the H-bomb) takes a lot of courage and strength, and/or desperation. Not only the first time, but every time. Eveeerrrry time! Even now, I have to rely on His strength and I have to ask for it. It has taken such a long, long time to follow through and maintain this strategy. After millions of failures (it seemed like that many) I felt like turning away from God and giving up hope because of the depth of my despair. I was humiliated and hated myself for not being able to overcome my acting out.

As a Christian I thought that I should be able to overcome this sin sooner. But the spiritual truth that God taught Paul is that I do not have it within me, at all. Ever. It is a theological fact. Period.

Initially, I was taught that I needed a Savior to overcome my sinful nature. But, somewhere along the way, I got it in my head that now that I have been a Christian for a while I should somehow be able to achieve moral victories through my own efforts. The misconception was that by this stage of my Christian walk I should have accumulated enough of “whatever” to achieve moral victory. Failure translated into the belief that there was something lacking in me. There was, what has always been there, my human nature. I cannot save me from myself. Knowledge is one thing. Understanding is another. Until the knowledge in my head drops into the heart of my understanding it is like a banging gong and a clanking cymbal.

I am strong only when I confess I am weak. To take it a step further in this weak-strong principle, we must rely on others. It is another aspect of accepting my weakness. But, that is an article for another day. Blessings.

For more help on this subject see Every Man’s Battle.

by Sam Fraser

First of all, what exactly is meant by ‘bouncing the eyes?’ Well, as those of you who have read the book will know, it’s not complicated, but it is extremely effective. Steve writes: “The problem is that your eyes have always bounced toward the sexual, and you’ve made no attempt to end this habit. To combat it, you need to build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sexual, like the jerk of your hand away from a hot stove. Let’s repeat that for emphasis: “When your eyes bounce toward a woman, they must bounce away immediately. . .”

If you bounce your eyes for six weeks, you can win this war. As I write this, it is the middle of July, which means there are six weeks left of summer. Coincidence? I think not!

First Step: Make a List of Your Enemies!

The first way to start, Fred tells us, is by making a list of your “greatest enemies”. These could be lingerie ads, either in a seemingly harmless department store catalog, or that Victoria’s Secret magazine that your wife left laying around. It could include billboards, it could be TV shows or ads, it may be female joggers, or maybe it’s that female co-worker who tends to dress a little suggestively. And then there’s always the beach.

Second Step: Set up a Battle Plan!

In any event, the second step is to set up a “battle plan”, a way you are going to get victory. Let’s look at each of our examples:

•  If you are looking at a department store catalog, make a covenant with your eyes and with yourself that   you will only look at men’s clothes, and then you will close it.

• And if Victoria’s Secret is an issue, simply ask your wife to be discreet with where she leaves it. She will respect you for being honest with her.

• If billboards are a problem on your drive into work, and an alternate route is out of the question, make a mental note of which streets or exits on the freeway the billboards falls between, and then as you approach that area, focus on something else; prayer, some verses you’ve memorized, or even something else near the road that is neutral.

• As far as the TV goes, use your TV guide, turn on one show that you know is safe, and don’t flip around during commercials. Or if you’re watching a ball game and the advertisements are the problem, have the remote handy, and when the commercials come on, go to a program that you have already designated as being safe.

• Joggers. Practice bouncing your eyes to the other side of the road, or straight ahead. It will be tough at first but if you continue to do it, it will get easier as time goes on.

• At work, again, practice bouncing the eyes onto something else when that female comes into your line of sight. Have a picture of your family at your work place. Pretend that your wife, or if you’re single, maybe Jesus, is sitting next to you at your desk or wherever you’re working.

• If you have a problem at the beach, don’t go, at least until you feel this part of your life is under control. There are other ways to have fun during the summer.

The above suggestions are admittedly not rocket science, but too many of us neglect them. Let’s use this summer as a way to get victory, not an excuse to act out. Make it a goal to be regularly bouncing your eyes by Labor Day. God will honor you for it.

For more help, see Every Man’s Battle. You can also call 800-NEW-LIFE (639-5433)

You are the only guardian of your heart.

The more toxic junk you take in through your eyes, the more polluted your heart will be, thus the more that pollution will manifest in the way you live. As if original sin isn’t enough toxicity, lets add to the garbage dump, right? Wrong. You are the guardian of your heart. You are the gatekeeper, deciding what goes in, thus what comes out. The key here is to recognize that until you decide you’ll no longer give the world permission to use your heart and mind as a septic tank, you’ll continue to live like …. you get the picture. I’ve told this story before, but I’ll repeat it because it’s so fitting. A few years ago, when I still had hair, I was about to take my son to a barber shop I frequented. It was edgy, with fairly wild folks working there, racy posters of bands and rock stars, and dance-club music blaring. I felt hesitation as I was getting ready to leave and Shelley asked what it was about. I told her I was a little hesitant to take our son into the place. She looked at me dead pan and said, “then why would you go there?” Boom. In other words, why wouldn’t I protect my own heart the way I was thinking about protecting his? You have to protect your heart, because no else will.

Your discontent is directly tied to your lustful looking.

By nature, it breeds comparison, contrasting and thereby leads to criticism and discontent. Want to find more contentedness and satisfaction with the person your with? Want to stop always finding something wrong with their body, hair, skin, walk, height, shape, nails or idiosyncrasies? Give yourself a chance to find the person you’re with satisfactory. Give them a chance to feel satisfactory. Every look you take and image you register is yet another point of note to somehow breed discontent.

You’re a thief every time you do it.

Every lustful look steals a little bit of that persons dignity. You rob the person of their basic humanity divorce them of their soul and objectify them into organized flesh created for your own consumption. And let’s not even talk about gawking at someone dressed inappropriately and obviously looking for attention. To objectify them is to take their woundedness, capitalize on it for our own gain, then leave them with less self worth than we found them.

Your lustful looking is a direct expression of your awe of God.

A lot of men get this one backwards. To look lustfully at a woman is to admire God’s handiwork; that’s what I hear too often. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. To look lustfully at someone is to belittle, demean and desecrate God’s creation. Isn’t it interesting that God is so holy the folks he interacted with weren’t even able to see him? His majesty was so powerful, so overwhelming, so awe inspiring and his presence so intense that to look on him could result in death. Such was true of many kings who thought themselves to be god-like. When called into the presence of a king, the expectation was to look at the ground rather than to look directly at him, and especially not to make eye contact unless summoned to do so. The penalty for violating the etiquette could even be death. My point is this: the person you are looking lustfully at is handcrafted, by God, to reflect His own image and splendor. When we casually and flippantly look lustfully, we’re actually giving expression to our own lack of awe for and our arrogance towards the creator of the universe.

The point of this post isn’t to accuse or shame, but simply to be honest about what lustful looking is and does. We just can’t afford to soft sell it, downplay the effect, or to recklessly overlook it. Next time I’ll share a few key tips that help me move from lustful looking to a more redemptive reality.

Surrendering means no longer fighting, pushing, or justifying—in other words, it is the refusal to stay in denial or blame another. Here’s another way to put it: Surrendering is giving up all excuses for their problems and looking to God as the ultimate resource. A surrendered heart no longer looks for justification to use a substance or have an unhealthy habit.

When someone eventually realizes that the road they’re on is hurting them more than the false comfort and help they’re receiving from it, they realize that to stay on this road is to choose further heartache and destruction. At this point, they will begin to admit that their life has spun out of control. And self-control has failed them. On top of that, their forms of self-treatment have failed and must be abandoned.

While humans are limited, fortunately, God is not.

Surrendering is acknowledging that God has the power to change the course of a person’s life. After all, a person is  powerless to change it on their own. It means they are ready to stop escaping into the old patterns, habits, and attitudes, no longer saying they can handle it.

It is an active, conscious turning toward God and others. It means no longer manipulating God or bargaining with Him. To do this, they must get past their pain and fear. Also, they must be willing to cling to hope in God and his love for them—it reflects their willingness to submit to His plan and process for recovery.

Once a person relinquishes their control to God, they begin to experience His supernatural power in their life. Romans 12:2 NLT says, “Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.”

When someone surrenders, they don’t just give up or play dead or wait for God to fix them. Instead, they begin to reach out to God and others—like seeing a counselor and going to a Life Recovery Group—to help restore their life.[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]

After a while, many of those caught in this cycle begin to understand that using more of a substance to deal with life has stopped working. But they have to come to this perspective shift for themselves. People looking in from the outside, even with good intentions, will not be able to create a set of rules that will stop someone’s addictive habits, no matter how destructive they may be.

Someone struggling with addiction has to come to the realization that addiction is a disease that can destroy their life if left unchecked. Cancer is a disease that ravages the human body, causing physical and emotional harm. To combat cancer, there is medical treatment available, such as chemotherapy and radiation. Along with this, a person fighting cancer quickly realizes that there are certain things that help in their recovery, and certain things that do not. There are certain treatment plans that require more rest, more exercise, or a different diet. These do not feel like “limits” imposed by a doctor. These feel like steps towards healing from a disease! Addiction must be treated in the same way.

It can be very challenging to make changes away from addiction, but just like a cancer patient, these changes are necessary to find the recovery someone is longing for. It may be a decision to join a support group or a change in how someone spends their time and who they spend it with. Someone in the throes of addiction needs God’s help to make these changes.

The amazing truth is that there are no limits with God. He wants people to experience freedom. There are, however, boundaries in place to keep someone struggling with addiction from hurting themselves or others. Just like a treatment process for cancer, the boundaries God helps someone determine are for their good. King David understood this when he wrote that “the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance” (Psalm 16:6 NIV). He saw that God was only trying to help him, not put limitations on him.

When a person struggling with addiction begins to understand that boundaries are helpful for them, then they will no longer feel like rules or limits. They will start to see that the real limit on their life is the disease of addiction. Only with God’s help can they truly be limitless.

So, individuals in recovery need to remember the years of pain, deceit, broken promises, and hardships created in their  addiction. These events have hurt their loved ones more than they realize. Their loved ones require support throughout the healing process. No one can fix their loved ones or undo the damage they have done. But through recovery, there is an opportunity for healing in relationships.

Those in recovery often give their loved ones the power to dictate their feelings. If their loved one is hopeful, they’re hopeful. If a friend or family member is having a bad day, someone who is in recovery doesn’t feel they have the right to be happy.

While this is normal for a person to have many different feelings, it is unhealthy to take on others’ feelings. It can entrap  them, keeping them from recognizing and celebrating what God is doing in them. As a result, it will be difficult—if not impossible—for them to leave shame in the past and fight the temptation to return to the addiction.

Therefore, the road to recovery is not a journey to walk alone. Sponsors, mentors, group members, and counselors can  encourage them more than their loved ones can. But it requires time, energy, and a willingness to allow another person to speak into their lives. After all, many have walked the path of recovery and have wisdom and support to share.

Spending time with God in prayer, meditation, and the reading of His Word are indispensable tools for recovery. The Life Recovery Bible is a must-have Bible to read every day!

Step 2 says, “We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” It’s encouraging to know that there is hope for a better way of life! God can help restore the emotional challenges faced in recovery!

At the beginning of World War II, Winston Churchill told the British people that even though all of Europe might fall, “We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end—we shall fight on the seas and oceans—we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.”

And the free world rallied to the task.

Look back through the pages of the Old Testament. David tells the king, “The LORD who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear, will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine” (1 Sam. 17:37). Then, as David goes out to meet the giant, Goliath curses him. And David responds with powerful words; “I come to you in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will deliver you into my hand” (vv.45-46). And history records the results.

Now that is not to say that the words in and of themselves are miracle workers. They are the reflections of what is in the heart and mind of David. And they release within David’s life the power of God. They are an extension of his self-talk during the years before that event. They are an expression of his faith.

Recent studies have shown that people who begin to talk about the possibility of divorce often find themselves proceeding inevitably in the direction of divorce. Later, they commented on how they felt trapped by their words. Things were not as bad as they had thought, but talking about divorce gave power to that possibility.

All these examples illustrate the importance of self-talk. Each person talks to themselves. Sometimes out loud, but most of the time in the privacy of their minds. The result is always the same–the things a person says to themselves determines the way they live their lives.

What a person says and thinks is a very important indicator of where they are placing their faith. Find out more about self-talk by reading, You Are What You Think.

by Dr. Dave Stoop

This grieving servant of God knew only two things to hold on to, and he held on to both with all his might. The first was his unshakable conviction that God was a good God. And while he didn’t understand this particular circumstance or why his wife had to suffer and die, he did know that God was good and that there had to be a reason he would come to understand one day. Second, he knew beyond all doubt that God loved him. Despite everything. No matter what. Through it all.

Cliff clung to those twin truths, refusing to take his eyes off the Lord even when he was wracked with grief. When someone is in severe pain or distress, life becomes pretty simple. They’re in survival mode, and they have neither the heart nor the strength to spread around emotional energy. Instrument certified pilots know what this is all about. When visibility drops to nil and storms rage around them, it is second nature for them to focus on the ‘artificial horizon’ gauge on their instrument panel. No matter what their senses might tell them or what weird phenomena they see through the windscreen, they know that gauge will give them their true position and keep them flying level. They may feel as though they are in a steep dive–or even flying upside down. Yet their eyes must lock onto that gauge, and they must respond accordingly. When it comes to survival, it doesn’t matter what they feel like; what matters is what their instruments say.

Many travel through this world basing every decision on how they feel and what they experience. They do not study God’s Word or spend time with Jesus; they have no real knowledge of this Guide who begs each person to follow Him, no matter how one feels and regardless of their circumstances. If a person stays focused on Him, if it becomes second nature to look to Him and not to themselves, they will not get lost in the dark. Jesus will be that instrument that keeps them headed toward the horizon. A person’s faith in Him will keep them from alternating their direction based on momentary discomfort–and it can prevent needless tragedy.

So it was with Cliff. Although his emotions sometimes raged and other times fell dead flat, although his thoughts were at times confused and he felt his equilibrium slipping, he focused on the Jesus gauge. He knew that no matter how his circumstances changed, his Lord would neither change nor fail. As the Lord told Israel, “I the Lord do not change. So you, O descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed” (Malachi 3:6).

As a consequence of such focus, Cliff enjoyed a daily supply—an artesian well—of God’s love through those days of sorrow and distress. He not only comforted himself, but he became a surprising source of comfort to others. Faith, when focused on the true God, cannot be shaken by adversity or unexpected turbulence. As long as a person, like Cliff, holds tight to their faith in God’s goodness and love, they can come through pain and struggle with a deeper and richer relationship with Jesus, rather than a faith strained beyond its limits, because they failed to focus on the true God.

Adapted from the book More Jesus, Less Religion

By Steve Arterburn and Kimberlee Bousman

Read more about Steve and Kimberlee.

It’s not always possible to tell when a loved one is considering suicide. But there are some common signs. They talk about suicide; for example, they could say things such as “I’m going to kill myself,” or “I should’ve never been born.” Also, they may have a plan to take their life and talk about how they would commit suicide. They may have a specific plan—like using a gun or taking pills.

They do self-destructive things like using drugs or driving recklessly. In addition, they may have developed personality changes—they may be severely anxious or agitated—especially when experiencing any of the other warning signs listed above.

Some risk factors include a previous suicide attempt, family history of attempted or completed suicide, history of trauma or abuse, and chronic pain or a serious medical condition. Stressors such as losing someone close, financial loss, divorce, addiction, trouble with the law, and bullying can make people susceptible to suicide.

Does a friend or family member exhibit any warning signs or risk factors? Don’t ignore the situation. Let the person know that they are not alone and that they can get help. Ask if they have a plan. If they do, ask them for a commitment to not hurt themselves. Let them know it is good to ask for help.

When someone’s life is at stake, however, always err on the side of caution. Unsure of what to do next?

If they are threatening to harm themselves, call 9-1-1. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255; it’s a toll-free hotline that provides 24/7 service. Offer to take them to the hospital for an evaluation.

Encourage them to see a therapist, and let them know they are not alone. Pray for them, and let them know there is always help and hope for their life.

Call New Life Ministries at 800-639-5433 to find a licensed counselor in their area, or purchase Getting Beyond Suicide, the New Life Perspectives CD.

Please share this article—it could save a life.

By Kimberlee Bousman

Read more about Kimberlee.

Timing is everything.

A parent needs to choose the right time to talk. It’s not uncommon for a teen to respond with one-word answers—it may be that they are stressed and overwhelmed. Instead of reacting with anger, wait until the next day. When a teen is ready, they will. A good time to connect is when they have calmed down.

Limit the lectures.

Research shows that lecturing, scolding, and nagging teens don’t inspire cooperation. A teen brain has little attention span. So, lecturing will do nothing. Limit talks to a few minutes at a time—have conversations in bite-sized pieces.

Be curious, not furious.

It’s easy for parents to react, especially when a teen is emotional. There are four things a parent can do:

1. Listen.
2. Repeat back what they say.
3. Ask questions to understand more.
4. Validate feelings, and respond with empathy.