New Mom Central: Providing support for the transition to motherhood

"NEW MOM CENTRAL" HAS MOVED!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:04:00 +0000

WE HAVE MOVED TO A NEW LOCATION AND HAVE A NEW NAME!!!!

PLEASE CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW TO BE TAKEN TO OUR NEW, SWANKIER SITE!!!

New Mother Central

Original post on New Mom Central.

"Real Live" Advice from Experienced Moms

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 14:39:00 +0000

"Do not be afraid to ask for help or advice. All moms know exactly how you are feeling and how hard motherhood can be."

Michele, mother of 1

"Time frames for development, umbilical cord healing, and circumcision healing are guesses. They are not exact and don't ring true for every child."

Stephanie, mother of 2

"You should hold your baby as much as you want. I have been told repeatedly that it is NOT possible to spoil an infant. You cannot spoil them until they are old enough to manipulate situations."

Sarah, mother of 2

Original post on New Mom Central.

GUEST POST: Nicole Crowley on "Listen to Your Baby"

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 15:00:00 +0000

The months and weeks leading up to delivering a baby are exciting...and tiring, too. Then the whole world changes in the instant you give birth and any thoughts of those nine

long months of pregnancy vanish and you redirect all of your attention to your newborn child.

It quickly sinks in that you are completely responsible for the well-being of another human being, and this human being can't even hold his head up yet.

I remember looking down at my son as we drove away from the hospital; we had him elaborately hooked into his car seat and all I could think of was how small he looked in the middle of that big contraption.

And then I thought, "I can't believe they're letting us leave."

I had never taken care of a baby before...I hadn't really even babysat. And then it occurred to me that I had been so busy reading all my pregnancy books that I hadn't read any parenting books. ARGH!

And then we got home and I thought, "Where's the band?"

Where was the band to welcome us home? There was no band...and there was no instructor waiting inside our home to tell me about feed

ing, or changing diapers, or burping, or appropriate winter outwear for babies, or preschool, or kindergartens in the area, or college funds.

But I did it...and everyone does.

Every baby is different...so, if your friend tells you to get a certain brand of bottle and it doesn't seem to work for you and your baby--try another type of bottle. It doesn't mean your baby is difficult or wierd. Don't worry--every baby is just different.

LISTEN to your baby.

The best advice my pediatrician has ever given me was this, "Relax. Babies let you know when something is wrong."

He's right. Babies do let you know.

Babies cry if they want their diaper changed, need to be burped, or helped to sleep, but mostly it means they are hungry. YOU can take care of that.

It's nice how motherhood works out: You're new at it, but the baby is too. You will learn together.

Nicole Crowley likes to concentrate on the good stuff over at her blog "BananaBlueberry.com."

Original post on New Mom Central.

GUEST POST: Amy Trayer on "Finding Time for Friends"

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 21:00:00 +0000

I've never been the type that likes to stay at home. So when my twins were born and my life as a stay-at-home mom began, it was quite a culture shock. I wanted to be a SAHM from the beginning and my husband and I planned for this financially. What I wasn't prepared for was just how much my life was going to change in so many different ways, particularly socially.

What has been the most difficult since having kids is keeping relationships with people that don't have kids. As new parents, you immediately gravitate toward your friends that already have kids or are starting a family just like you. I instantly connected with the moms I met in my local multiples club. These moms knew what it was like to have twins and how hard it was to get out the door to actually go somewhere. My group of close friends gradually changed and my social life now consisted of play dates and the occasional mom's night out. These friendships have been extremely important to me during these last two years of being a new mom.

Having some time without the kids is not always easy, but in my opinion, very necessary. My husband and I still socialize as a couple, but we find ourselves doing more with our own group of friends. One parent enjoys a night out with friends while the other parent is home with the kids. These nights are maybe once a month but my husband and I have agreed just how important they are for each of us. I can't stay up as late as I used to (kids are still going to wake up at the same time the next day!) but an early dinner and maybe a movie do wonders for me. It's nice to have uninterrupted conversations and meals and generally feel mentally and physically relaxed while catching up with friends.

Obviously during those first few months of having a newborn your priorities completely shift and going out with friends is not at the top of the list. But once you get into a routine and are feeling like you might want to meet up with a friend or two for lunch, dinner, coffee or dessert--give it a try and see how it works. You will come home feeling renewed and refreshed and your spouse gets to enjoy some alone time with the baby. If you are nursing you can always pump and have some bottles ready ahead of time.

My husband has always been able to care for the kids by himself. Knowing the routines and schedules has proven to be even better as the kids got older because they were so comfortable with either one of us putting them down for naps or bed. They didn't need one parent versus the other.

Above all, let go of that "mommy guilt." It was hard to leave the babies the first few times I went out with friends but the benefits of a few hours away far exceeded the guilt of not being with them every minute. My twins are two years old and I still feel some guilt when I leave them. I make sure dinner is ready, pajamas are clean and keep my cell phone close by just in case. Of course my husband is perfectly capable of doing these things, but it's my way of saying "thanks" and making the night smooth for him too.

When Amy's not struggling with guilt over taking some time for herself, she also writes for Mad About Multiples.

Original post on New Mom Central.

WINNER OF FREE BOOK "MAMA KNOWS BREAST!"

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 20:51:00 +0000

Congratulations to Leslie, winner of the book "Mama Knows Breast" by Andi Silverman!

Stay tuned for future contests and drawings!

Original post on New Mom Central.

The "Real Deal" on Sleep Deprivation

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 22:52:00 +0000

When you become pregnant, one of the things you may hear most often from other parents, especially mothers, is "Enjoy your sleep while you can because you won't get much after the baby comes!" accompanied by giggles and smiles. I heard this all the time when I was pregnant and I thought "Well, I'm not sure I can actually "enjoy" my sleep, but okay." I didn't really understand what everyone was talking about. It sounded more like an inside joke than anything I should worry about. Well, now I know. And I want to give you the "real deal" on what everyone is talking about when they say this.

Don't bother enjoying your sleep or getting more of it because there isn't anything you can do about future sleep that you might miss. You can't stockpile sleep. So, these veiled warnings about sleep are not very helpful. But here's what you can do:

- Plan for the fact that you will be extremely sleep deprived once your baby comes and for at least the first three months postpartum, possibly even 6 months or a year afterward, depending on your baby's sleep habits (or the lack thereof!).

- Be determined to get as much sleep as you can after the baby arrives. And I don't mean to nonchalantly ponder the idea--no, I mean be more determined about this than you've been about just about any other thing in your life. It really is no joking matter, and I'm not joking.

- Talk to you husband or partner and let him (or her) know that you intend to rely on him as the other parent to make sure you get the sleep you need, or at least as much as you can. Tell him that you will expect him to do father duty in the middle of the night, just as he does during the day. Most fathers (and partners) don't have to be told, they automatically do this. But if you know that your partner tends more toward the selfish, lazy, thoughtless, or inconsiderate side, prep him now. Do it nicely, but let it be known in no uncertain terms that you are not superwoman and you have no intention of being supermom. Tell him that newborns eat every 2-3 hours (sometimes every hour) 24 hours a day and that you are only human and must get your sleep, along with everyone else. One of the problems with this topic is that many new mothers feel guilty asking their partner to contribute to the middle-of-the-night feedings because "he has to go to work in the morning." That's very thoughtful and considerate of you. But, the truth is that so do you. And the difference is that, depending on the kind of job he (or she) has, you will be constantly on your feet and responding to the needs of your newborn with little or no breaks, while he will have the opportunity to sit down once in a while without having to jump up and care for a crying baby.

- Make a strategic plan for help and support. This means being proactive now, while you're still pregnant, to anticipate what kinds of tasks/responsibilities friends and family will be able to help you with after the birth and solicit their help--formally. Make them commit to helping you during the first three months. If they love you and care about you (and your baby) they will gladly commit. (See my post on creating a Preemptive Postpartum Plan for Support.) Then, and this is very important so listen up, take naps when they are over helping you. The most common thing I hear from mothers is how much they underestimated their need for sleep and didn't take advantage of opportunities to nap when they had the time.

- Plan to nap when your baby naps. Yes, the dishes may be dirty and the floor may need to be swept. Ignore this. One of THE most important things you will need postpartum is sleep. And it will be up to you to make sure you get it. No one else can make you sleep (or your baby, as you will soon find out :).

- If you can afford it, hire a night nurse or nanny. Not to take over at night or during the day, but to give you breaks because the #1 need you will have is someone to give you a break from caring for your darling son or daughter.

Now, here's what you need to know about sleep deprivation that you may not know, so that you don't underestimate your need for sleep during the postpartum "high" you may be feeling after the birth:

1. You will underestimate your need for sleep. Count on it. Some people only need 6 hours of sleep per night. The way you can tell if you're one of those people is to determine how many hours of sleep you needed before you became pregnant. That's how much sleep you'll need after the birth to function at your best (possibly more since you'll be recovering from 9 months of pregnancy and then the physical act of giving birth).

2. When you feel irritable, depressed, nervous, confused, or inadequate as you tend to your newborn, some of these feelings and moods are due to the lack of sleep, rather than your ability to be a good mother or the circumstances you find yourself in, such as breastfeeding or sleeping problems with your newborn. When you're sleep deprived, things that normally wouldn't faze you may irritate you or send your self-confidence into a tailspin. Sleep affects our moods dramatically. You'll discover this when you experience the difference between missing out on a lot of sleep and getting a full night's sleep. Remember that sleep is used as a torture method. And it is effective because it is one of the most important needs a person has other than air, water, and food. You can feel like you're going crazy if you are too sleep deprived. And you can't "catch up" to missed sleep, according to experts. But the more sleep you get the better you will feel.

3. Even cat naps can affect your mood for the better, so don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can't get more than 1/2 hour of sleep so why bother. Take what you can get during these early months.

4. You will not be able to keep up the same personal and domestic level of style or cleanliness that you did in your pre-mom days (unless you have a full-time nanny and housekeeper). This is a fact. Don't try to be a perfectionistic supermom or glamourmom. Leave that for the Hollywood moms who have the millions of dollars to hire nannies, trainers, hairdressers, gardeners, housekeepers, chefs, etc. Accept your limitations and accept that during these early months you simply may not be able to have perfectly coiffed hair or an immaculately clean and stylish house like you used to. I had to get used to this and it was very difficult. Leave your ego in the delivery room. You'll get back to your stylish self again in time. Right now just focus on yours and your babies needs. You really won't have any time for anything else.

So, I hope that I have been able to convince you of the importance of this issue and that you will prepare yourself so that a) you're not taken by surprise and, b) you get the sleep you need. You and your baby will be better off for it.

Guest Blogger, Meagan Francis Writes About "Mom's Groups"

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 15:09:00 +0000

When I was pregnant with my first baby eleven years ago, I read everything I could get my hands on. I checked out every book on birth, breastfeeding, or parenting from the library and devoured each one. I subscribed to magazines like Parenting and Parents and read every issue cover to cover. But when I brought my son home from the hospital, I felt isolated and confused: home alone for most of the day, just me and my son, I found that reading wasn't enough. I needed to see how other real-life moms were handling big issues like feeding and sleep, as well as the smaller, day-to-day stuff: which diapers really prevented leaks? How did other new moms manage to take a shower?

In some ways, things have gotten better since my son was born. After all, "back then" there were just a handful of parenting resources online, and now there are thousands of blogs and websites an expecting or new mom can go to for advice or commiseration. But while a 'net' connection can be lifesaving for an isolated mom, nothing beats the interaction and hands-on help an in-real-life moms group can offer. After all, as Aviva Pflock, co-author of Mommy Guilt (you can find Aviva and her co-author, Devra Renner, at their website: www.Parentopia.net) told me in a recent interview: "An online community is great, but it can't jump in and babysit for you in an emergency."

Why seek out a mom's group in your community? Here are a few good reasons:

Resources: Whether it's finding a pediatrician who's in line with your values or locating the perfect preschool, moms need to be able to network with other moms to find out resources that are available in their community.

Help: Every mom needs a few friends she can count on for emergency child-care or help with a big task.

Advice and Information:Moms are the best experts on parenting issues, and new moms really benefit from the wisdom and advice of other moms who have been there or are going through similar issues.

Encouragement and Support: That listening ear from another mom who's been there is so important during the rocky days of motherhood. Just being around other moms and watching how they interact with their children can relieve the anxiety a mom might feel about whether she's "doing it right."

Wellbeing for Mom and Baby: Strong social networks are tied to lower incidences of depression, which can affect mothers and their children.

Friendship: After having a child, old friendships often change or fall away. New mothers often find themselves lonely and isolated, and need to find other women they can connect with.

If you're still pregnant, now is the time to start looking for other moms to connect with. Once your baby is actually here, you may find that you're tired or overwhelmed, and it's harder to reach out. Plus, you'll probably have plenty of questions and need some helping hands when your baby is little! If your baby's already here, don't hesitate--reach out! Here are some websites that might help you locate other moms in your area: www.mothersandmore.org, www.momsclub.org, and www.mops.org.

You can also ask your obstetrician, midwife, doula, childbirth educator or pediatrician if he or she knows of any groups, or check with your local park district, library, community center or YMCA.

Or you can start your own group--post a flyer wherever the moms in your community hang out, or get on www.meetup.com and launch your own mom gathering.

Original post on New Mom Central.

Meagan Francis is a mother of four, mom's group leader, and author of "The Everything Health Guide to Postpartum Care." She is also working on a book about motherhood and friendship. You can find out more about Meagan at her website: www.meaganfrancis.com.

ONLY 18 DAYS LEFT TO WIN YOUR FREE COPY OF "MAMA KNOWS BREAST"!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Fri, 30 May 2008 16:16:00 +0000

NEW MOMS ARE RAVING ABOUT ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS ON BREASTFEEDING TO COME ALONG IN AGES!! DON'T MISS OUT ON YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO GET THIS FANTASTIC BOOK AND MAKE BREASTFEEDING YOUR BABY MORE ENJOYABLE!!!

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"I'm Just a Wife and Mother"

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Thu, 29 May 2008 04:11:00 +0000

An episode of Supernanny last night featured a young mother of 3 children under the age of 5 who made the statement: "I'm just a wife and mother." In this one statement, she highlights a problem that often occurs when a woman does not understand what her role should be after she gives birth, especially if she's a SAHM.

Once you become a mother it's very tempting to think that's all you are now and that you have no other identity of your own. But it's important to realize that being a mother is only one aspect of who you are, just like being a father is only one aspect of who your partner is.

But for a couple of reasons it's difficult for some women to differentiate between their personal identity and being a "mom." One reason is that our American culture seems to expect mothers to be only mothers and to devote 100% of their time and attention to their children. This has, in truth, become the standard of excellence for mothering. In fact, some women find that their friends and family act as if that's the only role they have now and it can be very frustrating for a lot of moms. That's why women who work feel so guilty and torn, because they're not meeting this standard of motherhood. The other reason is that it can be very overwhelming just to focus on your baby, especially during the first few months postpartum, let alone yourself. And this can become a habit that is hard to break even after the first three months are past.

But it is important to make sure you don't lose that part of you that is uniquely you--that has passions in addition to motherhood. Find a way to meet your own basic needs first, like showering and eating healthy, otherwise you'll start to feel "less than human" as one mother put it. After the first three months are over (or before), start to do the things you used to enjoy prior to becoming a mother. Granted, you won't be able to go back 100% to what you used to do before you had your baby, but little by little you will be able to pursue more and more of the things that you used to enjoy before having your little bundle. And, as your baby gets older, you will have more and more time for yourself.

Until then, know that you don't have to be "just" a housewife and mother. (I like to think of SAHMs as "Chief Household Officer," as one SAHD put it). Don't "lose yourself" just because you become a mother. Being a mother should enhance your life, not restrict it. Enjoy your baby and enjoy yourself!

NEW MOM CENTRAL INTERVIEWS MELANIE BOWDEN ON BLOGTALKRADIO!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Fri, 23 May 2008 01:31:00 +0000

On Friday, May 23, 2008, New Mom Central interviewed Melanie Bowden, author of "Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me: True Stories of New Motherhood" on Blog Talk Radio. Ms. Bowden is a registered postpartum doula and a mother of 2 children living in Davis, CA.

In addition to her book, Ms. Bowden has published an e-book called "Get Your Articles Published" and has been freelancing for magazines and websites since 1999. Her articles have appeared in over 100 publications including Vibrant Life, Jugglezine, Parents' Monthly, and Writers Weekly. She also teaches magazine writing classes, coaches writers, and speaks to writing and parenting groups. You can find out more about Ms. Bowden by visiting her website at MelanieBowden.com.

The topic of the show was "Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me?" Ms. Bowden and I discussed some of the things that we wish someone would have told us before we became mothers. Ms. Bowden also shared information from her interviews with other mothers about the things they wished someone would have told them when they became mothers for the first time.

Here is the link to the interview: New Mom Central Talk Radio and Melanie Bowden.

Original post on New Mom Central.

Advice from "Real Moms"

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Thu, 22 May 2008 14:25:00 +0000

When I was pregnant, and then as a new mom, I liked nothing better than receiving advice from other mothers because I knew that their advice came from tried and true methods. Of course, I didn't always go along with everything I heard, but I found a lot of it to be very helpful.

Here is some more advice from moms who have "been there, done that."

"Do not rush your baby's growth and development. I couldn't wait until she crawled, walked, talked, etc. Now she is three and I miss the baby stage so much."

Michele, mother of 1

"You will cry for no reason. Accept help when it's offered!!! You are NOT supermom, no one is."

Stephanie, mother of 2

"When you're in the hospital the baby latches on like a pro, but then may have issues when home! I don't know why, but that happened with both my boys! My advice would be that nursing hurts, but only for a few days, and be sure to call the lactation nurse OFTEN!! When you need help, they are very helpful."

Beverly, mother of 2

BOOK REVIEW: "Mama Knows Breast: A Beginner's Guide to Breastfeeding," by Andi Silverman

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Mon, 05 May 2008 02:18:00 +0000

Learning how to breastfeed your baby takes practice and persistence. But it also takes a mentor, someone who can teach you the basics, as well as help you navigate the unique problems you may encounter. Andi Silverman is that mentor.

Even if you have been breastfeeding for a while, the invaluable advice and tips offered in this book will help you iron out any problems you may be having so that you can enjoy breastfeeding your baby even more.

"Mama Knows Breast" is a virtual breastfeeding manual that is based on Silverman’s own experiences, as well as input from other breastfeeding moms. Her intention was to write a book that addresses the issues she wished someone had told her, but the end result is a virtual compendium that covers everything from the basics to more complicated issues such as how to breastfeed if you have had breast augmentation. There is even a chapter called “Answering Your Questions” that addresses just about any question on breastfeeding you might have!

Although the main focus of Silverman’s book is breastfeeding, she takes a holistic approach that includes practical advice on how to care for yourself, as well as tips for adjusting to the lifestyle changes that are brought about once your baby arrives.

The book is written in what I like to call a girlfriendese style, making you feel like Ms. Silverman is speaking to you directly. It is succinct, straightforward, and easy to understand.

Mama Knows Breast is a must-have book for every breastfeeding mother. It’s the closest thing you can get to a lactation consultant without paying for one!

Original post on New Mom Central.

Maria Shriver Talks About Motherhood

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:46:00 +0000

Last night I attended a private book signing at Books, Inc. for Maria Shriver's new book "Just Who Will You Be?." And, boy, was she dazzling. Yes, dazzling. There's just something about her. Maybe it's that magical Kennedy charm that all the members, including extended members, of that clan seem to have. Whatever that "it" energy is, she's got it.

Ms. Shriver spoke easily and honestly about her personal life. She spoke about the difficulties of transitioning to motherhood after being a career woman, of holding onto her own identity and interests after her husband, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California, became elected, and trying to find some quiet time for herself as a mother of 4 children. She is a woman who has "been there and done that" when it comes to meeting the challenges of a 21st Century mother, wife, and career woman.

When I asked her about making the transition to motherhood from her career as a journalist, she said that she tried to combine the two but it just didn't work. She said that when she was pregnant with her first baby she had decided that she would return to work two weeks after the baby was born! She went back and worked for 4 months and said she was out of her mind! So, she tried a variety of alternatives, from reducing her hours to working at home. Again, none of which worked for her because of the demands of caring for an infant. She said that her effort and attention to her job slowly decreased with each child, from 110% to 100 to 90 to 80 to 70, until she ended up staying home to focus on her 4 children.

Ms. Shriver turns down about 99% of the offers she has for speaking engagements and projects in order to have more time for her family. But she continues her work as Chair of California Volunteers and on the WE programs and initiatives that she helped create, as well as the ice cream brand, Lovin' Scoopfuls, that she and her brother created (25% of profits donated to those in need). We got to taste it and it's delish! She's also producing another special for HBO coming out next spring about Alzheimer's and families. Ms. Shriver talked about how important it is for mothers to make time for themselves, whether it's "quiet time" or working on projects and attending events that interest them.

Maria Shriver is an inspirational woman who is struggling to find a balance between meeting her obligations as a mother and meeting her own needs as a woman. Her book is a must-read for any mother who is struggling to re-connect to herself after becoming a mother.

Original post on New Mom Central.

New mothers and expectant mothers: Advice and encouragement

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 00:07:00 +0000

Here is some "real-mom" advice from women who have been there:

"It is so hard since you are transitioning into a mother not to lose yourself. Be sure to somehow find time for you and for your husband. And, don't feel like since you are the mother you have to do everything yourself, either.

Try not to compare your child to others. That is SO hard to do when other moms start saying "My child has been walking now for months and yours is still crawling." Don't panic. It will all come with time."

- Lori, mother of 1

"Do not hide your true feelings. I had severe depression after having my daughter. I thought it was my hormones, lack of sleep, feeling overwhelmed, and adjusting to my new life. I know that was all part of it, but after 2 months I knew I needed some help. It is amazing how medicine can help so much."

- Michele, mother of 1

“If you’re nursing, buy nipple cream!!!!

If you’re nursing and working, don’t use a one-sided manual pump, it’s not effective.

If you’re nursing and working, pump at the same time or at the same intervals or you’ll dry up.
If you’re nursing and working, get your baby used to using a bottle intermittently at least a week before you return. Your babysitter will appreciate it."

- Stephanie, mother of 2

Originally posted on New Mom Central.

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NEW MOM CENTRAL GOES LIVE WITH CHRISTINE LOUISE HOHLBAUM!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 14:57:00 +0000

On Friday, April 25, New Mom Central interviewed Christine Louise Hohlbaum, author of Diary of a Mother and SAHM I Am: Tales of a Stay-at-home Mom in Europe, on Blog Talk Radio. The topic of the show was "Making the Transition to Motherhood." Christine has two children, lives with her family in Europe, and has a lot to say about becoming a mother and motherhood and shared her own story about what it was like for her to become a mother for the very first time. To find out more about Christine, visit her blog, Diary of a Mother.

Here is the link to the interview: New Mom Central and Christine Louise Hohlbaum.

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First-time mothers: Going it alone

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 02:52:00 +0000

One of the most difficult parts about the first three months postpartum as a new mom can be taking care of your newborn by yourself. Many fathers take time off work to spend with their wives and new babies, but once they return to work a first-time mother who has not developed a support system of other mothers, or whose family and friends are not there to help her or visit with her, can begin to feel very lonely. Without help or visitors you can find yourself on your own caring for your newborn throughout the day, every day, without the breaks you need to recoup and rest. In addition, if you have no prior experience or proper mentoring or instruction on caring for your newborn, you will find yourself in the unique bind of having to figure out how to care for your infant.

Many new mothers learn as much as they can about newborn care by reading books, asking a lot of questions, and perusing the Internet. These are all wonderful ways to learn about newborns. You can also seek answers to your questions from your pediatrician and other mothers, talk to mothers at the local kiddie park, join new mom chat rooms, etc. There are many ways to find the information you need for just about every question you may have about caring for your newborn. The key is to take what you learn, try it out, and then decide for yourself whether it is right for you and your baby or not.

If you experience loneliness during your first three months as a new mother, there are things that you can do to feel less lonely. Some women are okay with the isolation they experience and even say that it is nice to have the time to just focus on the baby or that they are homebodies, anyway, so it doesn't bother them to be alone at home all day. Other women, however, are more social oriented and do not tolerate isolation very well and can become lonely. Depending on how isolated you are and how you feel about it, it can become very important to do something about it because your feelings of loneliness can influence your experience of postpartum depression.

It is important to plan ahead for the possibility of feelings of isolation and loneliness. If you know that you are the type of person who needs social stimulation and to get out of the house on a regular basis, make sure you have a plan for doing just that. One mother I interviewed said that she joined a mom's club when she was still pregnant and began to join the other moms for walks and playdates with their children before she even gave birth. She said that this "saved her life" because she needs the stimulation of other adults and does not like to be indoors all the time. Other women make sure they get together with their friends after they give birth (as soon as the pediatrician has given the okay for the baby to be outside and around other people) or they make it part of their daily or weekly schedule to take their baby for walks to the nearest park or coffee shop. I used to take my twins to the local Starbucks and neighborhood parks where I found the interactions with other mothers to be a welcome relief from my own sense of isolation, or sometimes if I was going to go stir crazy on any given day (I'm one who needs to go out of the house at least once a day or I will go stir-crazy) I would just go for a walk around the block. Not easy to do with two newborns, but it did a world of good for my mental well-being.

It is a good idea to think ahead to after you give birth and try to set a plan or structure in place to meet your social needs. That way you won't feel abandoned by others or "imprisoned" by the four walls of your home, which you will get to know REALLY well during those first few months!

Original post on New Mom Central.

[first-time mother]
[new mother]
[expectant mother]
[loneliness]
[isolation]
[baby]
[infant]
[new mom]

First-time mothers and expectant mothers: "Real Live" Mom Advice

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 16:31:00 +0000

Once again, seasoned mothers come together to share their advice and what they wish someone would have told them when they were pregnant.

"You can get through a whole day without feeling like you've accomplished anything at all. Especially if you've just left a work life--you are used to starting a project and seeing it to its completion. You're used to cleaning house or at least yourself! LOL With a brand new baby you can spend an entire day catering to your child's needs and at the end of the day all you have to show for it is you and baby are still alive--tired, spit-up on, disheveled, but alive. it IS a big accomplishment but not one you always recognize in that bleary-eyed hormonal state."

Sandy, mother of 2

"As hard as it is, take some time for yourself as well as couple time with your husband. Get rest when you can and stay in touch with all of your friends. I had baby blues after the birth of my son. Not to the point of postpartum, but I did have the blues. I wasn't getting sleep because DS (darling son) seemed to never sleep and I was generally up with him all day and night. The best thing I did was joining a local moms club. It helped getting together with other moms that either were going through the same exact thing or who had been through it within the last three years. We were setting up playdates and going to socials and everything within a few months. It was great to know others who were in exactly the same place I was."

Ilene, mother of 1

Original post on New Mom Central

Expectant mothers and first-time mothers: Prepare for Major Life Changes

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 05:28:00 +0000

Most first-time mothers are unprepared for the major life changes and hard work that accompany the advent into motherhood. It takes time to adapt to any major life transition and a woman's transition to motherhood is one of the most difficult and overwhelming life transitions she will experience. Unfortunately, Western society idealizes motherhood so much that many expectant mothers have fairy tale expectations of what it will be like to become a mother. In this sense, they approach impending motherhood more like Sleeping Beauties than informed mothers-to-be.

Some women read books about what to expect when they're pregnant and then move on to books about what to expect after their baby is born. Unfortunately, most books only cover the caretaking responsibilities of baby and the recovery of the new mother. They do not cover the many other aspects of new motherhood that affect a woman once she gives birth. As helpful as these books can be for learning about the physical aspects of a woman's pregnant and post-birth body, or the practical aspects of meeting the needs of a newborn, they cannot prepare you for the tumultuous postpartum period that you are about to experience. Consequently, far from feeling like a benevolent maternal figure after the birth of your baby, you may find yourself in a whirlwind of chaos and confusion as you struggle to care for your new baby, while also trying to adapt to the major life change you are going through. Even if you are excited about becoming a mother, you may long for the simplicity of your old life.

Your life will change dramatically once you bring your baby home. You will be immersed in the needs and the wonder of your baby, all of your time will be devoted to the duties of motherhood, and you may feel completely isolated as you tend to the almost hourly needs of your newborn. You will not be able to socialize like you used to, and you will most certainly not be able to do any hobbies that you used to do. You will not be able to "get up and go" like you were used to, or even watch TV or read when you want to. Your time and attention will be completely usurped by this new experience and by your little bundle. But this will only last for approximately three months and then, as your baby continues to grow you will become more experienced at motherhood, your baby won't need to be tended to quite as often as when she was a newborn, and she may even begin to sleep for longer periods of time (the operative word here is "may").

As you find yourself more confined to your home during those first three months, and as you put 100% of your attention and focus onto your baby, you may begin to feel like you don't exist any more or that you no longer matter. This is a normal reaction for many women. Again, it is a temporary phase. It is natural for you to have an undivided focus on your newborn because it helps you learn how to be a mother, meet your baby's needs, and bond with your baby. However, you will need to take some breaks, for your sake and for your baby's. Almost every mother I have met has said that in hindsight, although she didn't want to leave her baby for a second, she should have taken breaks now and then so that she could nap, get out of the house, and simply take care of herself.

Rare is the new mother who doesn't experience stress, confusion, anxiety, or even resentment when she becomes a mother for the first time. So, don't expect to "breeze through" your first three months (unless, of course, you are a star in Hollywood and can afford a full-time nanny, housekeeper, and cook!). Take it one day at a time, make sure you spend time caressing your baby, rocking her, singing to her, and talking to her, and try not to worry too much. Things will fall into place. It may not feel like they are going to while you're in this learning phase, but time will pass, you will breathe again, and your baby will get cuter and cuter. :)

Original post on New Mom Central.

[expectant mothers]
[first-time mothers]
[women]
[motherhood]
[postpartum]
[life transition]
[new mother]
[mother]
[newborn]
[baby]

New mothers and expectant mothers: Advice and encouragement you can "listen" to

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 15:26:00 +0000

Sometimes you get tired of reading and would just like to listen to some good advice, share some humor, or enjoy a great story. Natural Moms Talk Radio is an excellent venue for doing just this.

Carrie Lauth is the host and founder of Natural Moms Talk Radio. She is a home schooling mom of four young children who helps mothers find their own unique style of mothering. She interviews mothers on a variety of motherhood topics, especially in the area of "natural" mothering. Topics range from alternative comfort measures for pregnancy to how to have a good relationship with your child to living a vegan lifestyle. Her show focuses on learning to trust your mothering instincts, not on being perfect. New Mom Central was recently highlighted on her show. You can download the mp3 file at the Natural Moms Talk Radio website or listen to the interview by clicking on the play button to the right of this post.

It's refreshing to be able to go to an online radio show, like Natural Moms Talk Radio, and download information you can listen to at your "leisure." Carrie's archives offer a wide variety of topics you can listen to right now. I encourage you to check them out. And the interviews are only 30 minutes long so it won't take up too much of your time. :)

Original post on New Mom Central.

[new mothers]
[expectant mothers]
[child]
[moms]
[motherhood]
[mothers]
[radio show]
[Natural Moms Talk Radio]

First-time Mothers: Free Support for Postpartum Depression and Baby Blues

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 05:43:00 +0000

Postpartum Support International offers a free phone-in counseling and support service each Wednesday for mothers who are having a difficult time postpartum. By calling the 1-800 support line, you can ask questions of professionals who will be sympathetic to your feelings and who are knowledgeable enough to help you make sense of them, or to just talk about what's bothering you. Here is a quote from their website:
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"This is a place where Moms, family members, support people for moms, or professionals can find some answers. This is a place where you can find honest and compassionate talk about the adjustment to motherhood or mood changes during or after pregnancy.

Participation can be anonymous. There is no need to register, the sessions are live and free, and the facilitators are licensed mental health professionals.

Please join us."
----------------
If you are having a difficult time postpartum, please give them a call. It's free and about as nonjudgmental as you can get. The more you understand about what you are going through the quicker you can get back to enjoying motherhood and spending time with your baby.

Original post on New Mom Central.

Expectant Mothers and First-time Moms-- Some "Real" Advice from "Real Live" Moms

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 03:36:00 +0000

Here is some advice from some "real live" moms on making the transition to motherhood:

"Forget the pressure of breastfeeding. Do what works for you and your baby."
Bernadette, mother of 2

"Ask guests to bring something in (like a meal) or take something out (like the garbage) when they visit during the early months after birth."
Melanie Bowden, mother of 2, postpartum doula, author of Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me? and Spit Up On My Shoulder

"There's no such thing as perfect. Lower your standards, and you'll be amazed at how happy you can be with less."
Christine Louise Hohlbaum, mother of 2, Editor of "Powerful Families, Powerful Lives" newsletter; Author of Diary of a Mother, SAHM I Am: Tales of a Stay-at-Home Mom in Europe, and Mama’s Musings

"Things will get better after a while."
Stephanie, mother of 3

"Put yourself first. Carve out time for yourself. If you're not happy or taken care of it's more stressful. Also, if you're breastfeeding, take your husband with you to the class."
Pam, mother of 2

Original post on New Mom Central.

New Mothers and First-time Mothers: A Sense of Isolation

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 20:04:00 +0000

One aspect of the transformation to motherhood that comes as a surprise to many women is the sense of isolation they feel from being restricted to the house every day to care for their newborns. This isolation is felt more keenly if a new mother has little or no support and few visitors. After the excitement of the birth of my babies had died down and my husband returned to work, I found myself on my own to care for my newborns. That is when I experienced my first sense of isolation. It took time for me to switch from being active and independent one day, to suddenly finding myself alone with two preverbal newborns all day.

Many women are shocked to discover just how restrictive being at home all day, every day, can feel. I believe being housebound plays an important role in the amount of stress and depression a first-time mother experiences during her first three months postpartum. Her baby is still too young and has too many immediate needs for her to spend much time away from home yet, so she finds herself at home virtually every day and night. This lack of freedom to come and go can be very difficult to adapt to. She may even feel like she is in prison at times, in spite of her love for and devotion to her new baby. The only escape she has from this "domestic prison" is visitors. If she does not have many visitors, then the happiness she feels being with her newborn can become overshadowed by feelings of isolation and loneliness.

A woman can experience this sense of isolation even if she did not work prior to becoming a mother. Most women are at least out and about with their friends and family and not sitting at home alone all day. But after a woman has a baby her world shrinks. Once the excitement of the birth is over visitors often slow down to a trickle, leaving a new mother feeling isolated and alone. She can no longer just “get up and go” whenever she wants to, not even for a quick trip to the grocery store. At first, she may not be aware of how much time she is spending at home because she is so busy with her new responsibilities and so happy with her new bundle of joy. But after the first month or so most women are “itching” to get out of the house. If she is planning to return to work soon she will at least have this to look forward to as a way of getting back into the “real” world. But if she has decided to be a career mother or a full-time SAHM the sudden transition to being at home every day can be a difficult adjustment for her to make.

If you receive adequate support from your partner, friends, and family to allow you to continue doing some of the same activities you enjoyed prior to becoming a mother, e.g. going out to eat, seeing a movie or play, or just hanging out with friends, it will help you feel like you still matter as an individual. Granted, you will not be able to go out as often as you used to, but a few outings now and then will help you to feel more like your old self and reduce the isolation you feel. The only way this will happen is if someone else is around so that you can take time for yourself. The good news is that the need to be housebound is temporary, although it can sometimes feel like it will last forever. Eventually, most mothers forge friendships with other mothers, connect with mothers at local kiddie parks, and join mother’s groups, allowing them to get out of the house, to socialize, and to feel more like themselves.

If you are a new mother, I cannot stress enough the importance of getting out of the house, both with your baby AND by yourself, once in a while so that you don't feel lonely and isolated being at home by yourself all day. If you have enough visitors and don't want to go out by yourself, that's fine. But take some time for yourself and away from your baby. As much as you love your newborn, sometimes you need a break. If you don't want to take my word for it, here's a link to an article that may give you some idea why it's important to take time for yourself. :)

Original post on New Mom Central.

[new mothers]
[first-time mother]
[isolation]
[motherhood]
[mothers]
[postpartum]

Expectant Mothers and First-Time Mothers: The Loss of Your Personal Life Rhythm

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 22:02:00 +0000

A woman completely gives up her personal life rhythm once her baby is born. Just as she sacrifices her own needs in order to meet her baby's needs, so she gives up her own personal lifestyle to fit the needs of her new baby. This can be a very difficult adjustment to make. Her whole world can feel like it has been turned upside down as she adjusts her life to fit her new baby's needs. Eventually she will begin to get some of her own life rhythm back, but during her "training period" (i.e. the first three months postpartum) it can feel like the rug has been pulled out from under her as she struggles to gain a foothold on her new life.

Before having my own babies I lived a relatively unfettered life. Although I had my own personal routine, I could deviate from it whenever I wanted to without repercussions. But having babies changed all that because a baby's routine is pretty much the same from one day to the next. They are usually predictable in their eating and sleeping patterns. For instance, most newborns need to eat and sleep every 1-3 hours. When you aren't used to this, it takes time to get used to living your life so predictably and according to someone else's schedule.

A person's life rhythm is an integral part of who she is. Every adult has one. There are few occasions where someone's personal life rhythm is suddenly eliminated, short of prison or a major debilitating accident. Even then, the person alters his life rhythm to adjust to the situation, but does not completely give it up. His life is still about him. Even a new mother's partner continues with her or his personal routine of getting up, taking a shower, and going to work. Once he comes home from work his schedule may be different from the way it was before, but overall his routine is relatively similar to how it was prior to parenthood. This can cause the new mom to feel jealous and even resentful of her partner, as she struggles to retain some sense of her own personal rhythm while still trying to provide her baby with everything he needs.

During the first three months postpartum you can expect your life to be turned upside down (unless you have a nighttime or daytime nanny, housekeeper, and/or go back to work). But this is a temporary phase. Eventually, although you will not get your "old" life rhythm back, you will be able to get back some of your old routine and do the things you used to enjoy. You will always have a schedule that revolves around your baby (and then child as she grows), but you will be able to develop a schedule that fits your needs, as well.

Original post on New Mom Central.

[expectant mom]
[expectant mother]
[life rhythm]
[sleep]
[new mother]
[woman]
[first-time mother]
[motherhood]

What first-time mothers need to know about newborns

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 03:53:00 +0000

Prior to becoming a mother, I had assumed that newborns "arrived" fully developed and that all they really needed was a lot of love and basic care. When I was pregnant I fantasized about breastfeeding in my rocking chair with my babies gazing up at me and me looking down at them adoringly with my hair cascading around their little cherub faces--the perfect mother-infant symbiotic relationship. If they cried (which would be rarely because they would just know how much I loved them) I pictured myself soothing them with hugs and kisses and singing to them until they calmed down. Unfortunately, this was not to be the case, much to my surprise. Instead, I watched as they struggled with gas pains, painful bowel movements, an immature nervous system, an undeveloped biological clock, acid reflux, colic, and the inability to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own. I quickly learned how difficult it can sometimes be to care for a newborn baby.

Why is caring for a newborn baby so difficult sometimes? Dr. Harvey Karp, in his book The Happiest Baby on the Block, calls the first three months of a baby's life the "4th trimester" because he believes that a baby is not yet ready to come out of the womb. His theory is that all newborn babies could use another trimester in the womb but that their heads would be too big for the birth canal if they waited, so they arrive three months early. In addition, a newborn's physiological system is not yet fully mature when she is born. Consequently, she can experience discomfort and even pain, which can lead to periods of inconsolable crying, causing even more stress for the new mother. So here we have a baby who is not yet ready to be out of the womb and a new mother who has never taken care of a newborn before. One can understand how this can easily become a scenario ripe with the potential for overwhelming stress as both mother and baby adapt to their new environments.

If a first-time mother receives the help she needs, and has someone who can show her how to help her baby through any difficulties that might come up, she will better understand what her newborn might be going through. Many new mothers do not understand the problems that some newborns have and can suffer emotionally if their baby is crying inconsolably and nothing they do seems to help. This increases their stress and can affect their confidence in their ability to be a good mother, which can exacerbate any postpartum depression they may be having.

If you are an expectant mother, or a new mother, it is important to learn as much as you can about newborns. The more you understand the less you will panic when your baby is in distress. Some babies have an easier time of it than others, so if your baby is having a difficult time you need to understand that it is unlikely it is anything that you are doing. Most new mothers I have met are very conscientious and try to learn everything they can about taking care of newborns so that their baby can get her needs met and be a happy baby. But it is easy to fall into the trap of "mother guilt" in our Western culture and think that if your baby is unhappy it is your fault. Don't do this to yourself. Know that you are doing the best you can and learn as much as you can via the Internet, books, pediatricians and other experts, and other mothers. Your newborn will be fine and so will you once the 3 months have passed. And always check with your pediatrician if your baby consistently cries inconsolably to rule out any health problems.

As an adjunct to this topic, here's an informative blog post for how to discern your baby's distinctive cries.

Original post on New Mom Central.

[Harvey Karp]
[4th trimester]
[babies]
[newborn]
[baby]
[new mother]
[first-time mother]
[motherhood]
[expectant mother]
[women]
[postpartum]

First-time mothers and expectant mothers - Developing Your Mother Identity

noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.) — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 04:02:00 +0000

What does it mean to be a mother? There is a tendency to think that once you give birth you are a mother. But since becoming a mother myself, I have learned that becoming a mother is a process, not an event. It takes experience, hard work, love, joy, and plenty of mistakes. But even more importantly, it involves an inner transformation--a shift in a woman's sense of who she is now that she is a "mother."

Every woman has within her the seed of her own mother identity that was created through her personal life experiences. Her idea of motherhood develops from her experiences with her own mother and other mothering figures in her life, as well as the images of the good and bad mother in her culture. All of these experiences lead her to her initial ideas of what it means to be a mother. Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls this aspect of a woman's identity her "internal mother."

I also believe every woman has within her an "inner mother" that reflects her own maternal ideas and instincts. It is your inner mother that contains your mother's intuition, compels you to respond to your children's needs in your own unique way, and helps you create a maternal bond with your child. Unfortunately, this inner mother is often underdeveloped in favor of the idealistic (though unrealistic) images of the "supermom" and "glamourmom" put forth by Western society. For a woman to fully develop her inner mother she must learn when to turn away from these societal images, family expectations, and the well-meaning advice of others, and listen to her own maternal wisdom via her mother's intuition. The more she does so, the stronger her inner mother will become and the more she will be able to develop her own unique style of mothering. One wonders sometimes if the problems of mothers such as Britney Spears involves a disconnection with their inner mothers as the result of being unable to turn away from others' expectations of them now that they are mothers.

However, we do not want to "throw the baby out with the bathwater," as it were, and ignore the advice and suggestions of others. It is important to draw on the wisdom and experience of other mothers, as well as the expertise of pediatric experts, especially if you have no maternal mentor of your own. The idea is to take the information and advice you receive and then check in with your mother's intuition and make your own decision based on what feels right for you and your baby. In this way, you allow your own maternal wisdom to develop.

Maternal wisdom is self-made, it cannot be taught. Through the time-honored practice of trial and error you will learn to trust your own instincts and judgments. By listening to advice from others, as well as tuning in to your own inner voice, you can become the mother you want to be.

Original post on New Mom Central.

[identity]
[motherhood]
[women]
[mothers]
[Britney Spears]
[expectant mother]
[expectant mothers]
[postpartum]
[maternal]