New Vision Counseling Center

Forgiveness

2011-10-10T21:59:00.000-04:00

Forgive. What does this mean? I remember often hearing the phrase “forgive, but never forget” growing up. Now that I’m older, that sounds more like a contradiction. How can you forgive someone and continue to hold on to hurtful or negative thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, people feel like they must hold on to these feelings or memories in order to protect themselves. Anger, distrust, and or rigid boundaries became an unhealthy defense mechanism when we choose to hold on the negative feelings.

In order to forgive, we must CHOOSE to let go of painful thoughts/feelings/memories in order to move forward. Forgiveness is a process. In other words, it does not happen over night. But, you have the ability to choose by making a conscious effort and saying “I don’t want to hurt anymore” or “I do not want this person or that thing to hold me back anymore”. This conscious decision is the first step in moving forward and learning to forgive.

*Blog contributed by Shaketa Robinson-Bruce, LPC. Shaketa is a therapist at New Vision Counseling Center, LLC who works with children, adolescents and adults providing individual, family and couples therapy. Info in this blog is strictly the writer's personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911. To learn more about Mrs. Robinson-Bruce and the services she offers at NVCC, click here.*

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste

2009-10-06T00:05:00.002-04:00

The slogan goes, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste”. The term was coined by Forest Long in 1972 as the slogan for the United Negro College Fund. It was a "plea to everybody to reject the prejudices of the past and consider the inner person”. To me, Long’s premise was the need for higher thinking; that one should edify and seek growth.

As I thought about this recently, it reminded me of how much time we, at times, spend thinking negatively. This type of thinking leads to anxiety, depression, anger, failed goals, broken relationships, poor self concept and so on. It is my belief that we can control our thinking; that we can think about anything we want to. If this is truly the case, why choose to think about the negative? Why choose to self destruct?

“A mind is a terrible thing to waste”. Set a goal to be in better control of your thinking and practice managing it. Make a conscious effort to increase positive thinking and for every negative thought you have, offset it with 5 positive ones. If you find yourself struggling with changing your thinking, being stagnated by past hurts and hang ups or consistently ruminating on negative thoughts, counseling may be beneficial to you. Contact New Vision Counseling Center, LLC to schedule your confidential appointment.

Make it Happ'n Cap'n

2009-09-21T21:41:00.001-04:00

Lately, I have been hearing people in my personal and professional life state they are "waiting on something to happen". They are sitting by and hoping to get a raise, find love, improve relationships and so on. I then ask for clarity to this statement and many respond with, "I'm just waiting on things to improve or get better", "my life will be better when....".

If this sounds like you, my response is, "make it happ'n cap'n" (happen captain). Take control of your life and the situations around you. Your boss just may be waiting on you to request a raise, your love may be at a place you really don't frequent or a relationship may improve once you take the step to see what is hindering it. After the 2009 election, I recall someone saying, "don't wait on people to motivate you, motivate yourself".

If you are having trouble with motivation, improving your circumstances or finding direction in your life, counseling may benefit you. Sometimes it is helpful to speak to a trained professional or someone outside of your current support system. Click here to schedule your confidential appointment.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.*

What's Your Frequency?

2009-09-21T20:52:00.007-04:00

As a psychotherapist, one of the many complaints I often hear in family and couples counseling is “they don’t hear me”, “it’s like talking to a brick wall” or “they won’t talk to me”. Many times, the sender of the information may feel that what they are saying is right, while the person who the message is intended for is either wrong or “just doesn’t get it”.

I like using analogies in counseling and one that I usually use to help families and couples with improving communication is the concept of radio frequency. Have you ever taken a road trip and the radio frequency becomes full of static? At times you may be able to hear some of what is being said and at others times, it’s purely fuzz. Either way, this becomes frustrating because you may have been listening to your favorite song or radio host.

Unproductive communication can sometimes have the same effect. You, as a parent, may be on one station, while your child is on another. It’s nothing but fuzz or frustration when trying to figure out their message. Or, in a relationship, the wife may be listening to one station, while the husband is trying to tune in to another one. Usually, when either of these scenarios happens, we tend to become angry, yell, accuse, or stop verbally communicating altogether.

The key to improved and effective communication is finding a balance. A little while ago in Atlanta, two radio stations merged. For me, I just didn’t get it! What was the point? Then I thought about it, I can hear this song or host on 102.5 and 97.5, but either way, I am getting what I want.

In improving communication, it’s best to get on the same frequency in order to get what you want. Are you on the Country station while your child is listening to Hip Hop? Or, are you searching for a station and hearing nothing but fuzz. Try to find a balance. Ask your child or partner what it is they want you to hear. Although you may not understand where they are coming from, practice validating how they feel or what they are thinking. Sit and calmly discuss solutions or take a few minutes to cool down so that you can think rationally and not respond solely from emotion.

Another way of thinking about it is to use dancing. What happens when you are doing ballroom dancing while your dance partner is waltzing at the same time? You will bump into one another or expend a great deal of energy trying to avoid one another. Both responses may lead to frustration, confusion, anger, etc.

So, the next time you are engaging in unproductive communication, ask yourself if you and the receiver are on the same frequency. If not, adjust your dial and tune in! Sometimes, seeking counseling or therapy can help identify the root of negative communication patterns and replace them with healthy and adaptive ones. If you are having trouble with communicating or relationships, click here.

Roots and Fruit: What Are You Producing?

2009-03-18T23:24:00.001-04:00

"The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree". People say this often to describe how a child is similar to their parent. Whether it be good or bad, when this is said, we know what the quoter is implying. It is important for us to know where we come from-our roots. Knowing so will help us to better understand how we relate with others or why we may choose to engage in certain behaviors.

This doesn't mean that knowing your history will answer all of your questions, solve your problems or justify your actions, it simply allows us to gain a better grasp on ourselves; after all, we can truly only change ourselves! Here are a few examples:

Root-Growing up, your mother tells you not to depend on men because they are all worthless and will leave you. Your father reinforces this belief by not being present in your life or making empty promises.

Fruit (possible)-You tend to push men away when things get too serious in order to "leave him before he leaves me".

Root-Your parents consistently praised your efforts and accomplishments.

Fruit (possible)- You have a healthy self esteem, self confidence and instill the same values in your children.

As you can see, either of these beliefs are capable of producing a continuous cycle. So, the next time you engage in a "root" behavior, ask yourself, "what fruits am I producing?" Your answer may surprise you.

Managing Financial Stress

2009-03-05T23:24:00.010-05:00

With the economy in "crisis", no bail outs for the average American, an increase in unemployment rates and the price of everyday items increasing while paychecks remain the same, or even decrease; many people may be experiencing stress related to financial hardships. I was recently interviewed and the featured writer for the coaching blog, The FIRM (Financially Independent Role Models) and discussed how to manage stress during, what to some, are tough times. In this blog are some of the excerpts from the article.

Why is it important to be 'stress free' when thinking about finances?

Stress can cause many adverse effects to our bodies. When we are stressed, several hormones are released. Some stress is good as it helps us react in anxiety producing situations. However, too much stress without an outlet to relieve it can be detrimental. These days, the word "finance" or money automatically produces a reaction. When focusing on finances and many other situations, it is important to be clear headed and focused. This prevents us from making hasty or irrational decisions.

What are some tips on how people can handle stress in these tough economic times? (Many of these tips can be applied to any type of stress)

- Make a budget, and try hard to stick to it, only adjusting it for important financial changes.

- Journal about your experience. If this is all new to you, you may experience a range of emotions. Writing about it will help clear your head. You'll also be able to look back on it and see how successful you were, or you may learn what not to do in case of another financial crisis.

- Establish a support system with friends, family and people who are doing well during these times. These people will guide you through. You can also learn something about good money management.

- Learn your body and pay attention to signs you may be stressed (headache, stomach ache, fatigue, irritability).

- Exercise! Just as stress releases hormones, physical activity releases "feel good" hormones or endorphins. This will automatically decrease current stress.

- Identify what about your situation is stressing you and figure out if the feeling is really stress. It may be that you are scared, anxious, frustrated. Basically, discover underlying or associated feelings. Then, you can deal with the real issue.

-When stressed, try deep breathing exercises to promote relaxation.

-Seek professional help (both financial and therapeutic). If financial stress has you out of sorts and effecting your day-to-day activities, you may benefit from short term counseling to get you back on track.

-Practice self care! It's ok to put yourself first at times. Remember, when you're at your best, you can help others to be there best!

Don't forget to leave a comment and let readers know your stress management techniques when it comes to money management.

Click here to learn more about the FIRM and to receive their helpful newsletters.

Creating a Healthy Relationship: What's Your Love Language

2009-02-10T12:50:00.004-05:00

With Cupid looming in the air, many people are excited about the approach of Valentines Day. The chocolates, singing cards, jewelry, romantic getaways and other hoopla, it's hard to not get into the mood. Then, there are those who loathe and despise the Holiday. I heard one radio host say, "is this a holiday to make men spend all their money...I think everyone should break up before Valentines!"

I don't condone such an extreme, but I do suggest that one decides on what they consider to be a healthy relationship. In my opinion, that includes constant communication, appreciation for one another and dedication to withstand the tough times. Having a relationship that shows gratitude on a daily basis, rather than just on February 14, just may be able to calm some of the disdain for the Holiday.

I also recommend that couples learn their Love Language to help them with simple and practical ways to communicate their love to their partner. Many times, we are operating based upon what we want and not necessarily what our partner may want. For example, I may like receiving cards so I give my partner a card, however, he may like spending quality time, so he skims the card and offers a half hearted, "thanks". What happens? I may feel angry or even hurt because my card isn't appreciated. I operated based off my language and not that of my partner. I heard a minister say to use the "platinum rule"-treat others how they want to be treated!

The 5 Love Languages-created by Gary Chapman- are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. I recently even heard of a sixth one which is romantic gestures. I suggest you learn your love language. There are many websites that allow you to print and score your test with the hopes of creating lasting loving relationships. Even if you're not in a relationship, it won't hurt to learn how to express and receive love.

If you believe you may be operating from past hurts or from childhood messages about love, talking to a trained professional may be able to help you effectively love and truly feel loved in return. Remember to leave your comments and have a wonderful day of appreciation and gratitude!

Resolutions vs. Healthy Lifestyle Changes

2009-01-28T19:43:00.004-05:00

Well, it's been almost one month since the New Year rang in, and exactly one month since some have lost their motivation to maintain their New Year resolutions. In my previous blog, I discussed how to set SMART goals, however, the process can be difficult until you get the hang of it. One friend told me she is no longer excited about her goals and another told me she'd like to make long term changes rather than change for just a few months.

This year, why not make a commitment to being realistic with your abilities. Set goals that will allow you to see the residual effects long after the "hype" of the New Year has worn off. Thanks to my hair stylist, I've decided to focus more on what I speak out and attract to myself to assist me in reaching my goals for this year. I've been listening to The Secret and it has been really helpful.

One way to achieve a lifestyle change is to be willing to adjust and modify your goals to fit you and what is going on in your life. Don't be afraid to assess and make necessary changes as your circumstances change.

Remember, you are in control of your destiny and your vision (goals) can be your reality/life. Don't forget to leave your comments and let us know how you are making lifestyle changes.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

Are your goals SMART?

2008-12-31T13:20:00.000-05:00

For many, January 1, 2009 will bring about new goals and resolutions. As one year ends and a new one makes it way in, we tend to think of ways to be better than the previous year. Often times however, we forget about our New Year resolutions after a few months have passed. Or, we may give up on them because we become discouraged. One way to set and achieve goals is to first write them down so you can have a reminder of them. Next, make sure your goals are SMART. Here's a breakdown of what I mean. Let's take the issue of weight. First, goals must be (S)Specific. Try not make your goals too vague because you won't be able to easily assess your success or the need to modify a goal. Instead of saying I will loose weight this year, change it to I will loose 5 pounds per month. Secondly, a goal must be (M)-Measurable. I will increase my exercise from 1 day a week to at least 3 days a week is easy to measure. A goal should be (A)-Achievable. Many times we fall off the band wagon because our goals are not realistically achievable. To say you will loose 30 pounds in 15 days is not achievable for anyone. Rather, commit to loosing 5 pounds in 30 days. This is more achievable and you will feel better knowing you reached one of your goals. Setting (R)-Realistic goals will also help you achieve them. It is important to evaluate whether or not you have the time, resources and support you need to reach your goals. Lastly, goals should be (T)-Time Framed. Some people spend a lot of time talking about what they want to do, someday. But, without a target date there is no sense of urgency and no reason to take any action today. Having a specific time frame (that is SMART) gives you the push you will need to get started. It also helps you monitor your progress.

So, a SMART goal will look something like this: Within 30 days, I will loose 5 pounds. Or you can say, in 2009, I will live a healthier lifestyle. I will know I am doing this by loosing 5 pounds a month, exercising (walking, cleaning, swimming, dancing) at least 3 days a week for at least 20 minutes, attending all of my therapy appointments as scheduled, getting my dental check up at least every six months and showing within level cholesterol and blood pressure readings at my yearly exam.

Now that you know the fundamentals of goal setting keep the SMART acronym in mind to help you remember the basics. Don't push yourself too hard or too fast and always be your own best friend and never set yourself up for failure. While successful people know you have to stretch your talents to grow, they also know it's important to set reasonable goals. The first step to success is knowing where you want to go. The second step is having a plan to get there. Your goals are your road map. Follow them and you'll be well on your way. Good luck with your new goal setting and have a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

What's Your Purpose?

2008-12-16T20:00:00.008-05:00

Have you ever thought about your purpose in life, on Earth, or your obligation to man-kind? I often work with clients who struggle because they do not know their purpose. I've also tried to convince a child/teen that what they are going through will make them a better person and help them define their purpose. Although it is difficult to grasp this understanding, it is so true!

Some suggest that one must meditate, go on a spiritual journey and pray to define their purpose in life. Rick Warren has even written a book, The Purpose Driven Life, to help us answer, "what on earth am I here for?"

To help you out, I have included a fill in the blank exercise adapted from the November 2006 edition of Essence magazine. When you have some quiet time, think about and complete the statements. Don't ponder too hard as your first answer is usually the most truthful. Review it often to help you gain a sense of your true purpose. Once you complete it, keep it somewhere you'll see it and be inspired!

I can’t imagine life without ____________. When I’m spending time __________ hours pass and I don’t even notice. It saddens me to know that so many people don’t have ________________, but what gives me hope is knowing that each of us has the power to _____________. Sometimes the effort it takes to do ______________ is exhausting, but what keeps me going is the knowledge that ___________. When I went through the painful experience of ___________, it just strengthened my faith in __________________ and my resolve to __________. My dream is to create __________. It’s the reason I ______________ each day, and it’s why I think about_______ as I go to sleep each night. Some might call it a mission. Turns out, it’s my purpose.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

My Mind's Playin' Tricks on Me

2008-12-09T11:15:00.003-05:00

There was a rap song that came out in 1992 with this title. Although explicit, the song made the point clear, your mind can play tricks on you!
How many times have you "talked" yourself out of doing something, or started telling yourself something opposite of what you really want to have or do? For example, you may say to yourself, "I want to be debt free by the end of 2009", then no sooner than you finish that statement, you begin to think about all of the bills, unexpected situations that can occur, and whatever else that costs money. Soon, you forget about your goal to be debt free or put it on the back burner. I call this, Mind Games! Sometimes, we can immediately jump to conclusions about situations without careful and rational thinking.

We have the ability to change the way we think. Yes, it is hard sometimes, but we can. I can remember growing up and hearing my mother quote Norman Vincent Peale's, The Power of Positive Thinking! I didn't know what she meant and sometimes I'd think, "ugghhhh, here we go again! But, Mr. Peale, and my mother, knew then what I and you can know now! We CAN eliminate all of the negative thoughts that prevent us from achieving happiness and success!

Again, this can be hard but it is not rocket science. Here are a few suggestions from The Power of Positive Thinking to get you on the way to changing how you think:
believe in yourself and in everything you do;
build new power and determination;
develop the power to reach your goals;
break the worry habit and achieve a relaxed life;
improve your personal and professional relationships;
assume control over your circumstances;
be kind to yourself.

So, the next time you find yourself countering your statements, immediately rephrase it to something you can achieve. Or, on another musical note, in "I Believe I Can Fly", R. Kelly said, "If I just believe it, there's nothing to it"!

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

Join me this Sunday, 12/7 at 6pm EST

2008-12-05T15:51:00.006-05:00

I invite you to join me as I am interviewed this Sunday, December 7th at 6pm EST on Blogtalk Radio by Dina Harbour. Dina is the founder of W.O.W-Women Obtaining Wealth. Women Obtaining Wealth is a multi-facet organization that operates an Internet talk show, financial, family, and business coaching services to women in search of resources, assistance and support with pursuing their passion and living a wealthy life. You can call in at (646) 478-5836 to ask me questions or listen in the chat room and ask questions via chat. I look forward to hearing from you and sharing with you some of the thoughts and passion behind New Vision Counseling Center.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/WomenObtainingWealth/2008/12/07/WOW-Interviews-Kristy-Christopher-NCC-LPC-Therapist-and-Founder-of-New-Vision-Counseling-Center

What Did You Learn?

2008-11-30T20:08:00.018-05:00

Well, we've made it! We made it through all of the cooking, cleaning, hoopla, Black Friday, Saturday shopping and the emotional, or maybe for some, the ecstatic goodbyes. Now that Thanksgiving is over, we have time to reminiscence.

For many, Holiday gatherings evoke stress, discomfort and anxiety within families and ourselves. For others, it's a time of bliss, merriment and good times. Regardless of the outcome, we can be thankful for experiences and opportunities. Maybe you were able to contain your emotions and words if something negative was said or did. Or maybe you were able to express yourself rather than bottle in emotions. Better yet, like my previous post suggested, maybe you took a break during the chaos or asked someone for help! Whatever the case may be, there was a lesson learned to be thankful for.

As we now prepare for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or whatever you may celebrate I encourage you to spend some time self reflecting. If you are experiencing hesitancy or stress, you may feel better by seeking out professional help from a counselor. A paper my sister wrote said it best, "family is what you make of it and how much you dedicate to it...the only person you can change is yourself". This is true, and when we change, we often see others around us change. When we are able to learn why things happen, we can deal with them better.

So, if a family experience during Thanksgiving has given you a reason to seek out ways to learn about yourself and grow personally, give thanks!

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

The Holidays Are Here!

2008-11-17T20:23:00.003-05:00

As the Holidays approach, it is easy to become overwhelmed with cooking, cleaning, gifts, family, office parties, get togethers and all of the sales. Therefore, this time of year can produce stress, and alot of it. Here are some tips in handling the upcoming Holidays.

-Make a To Do list; it can be overwhelming if you forget to take your Holiday party outfit to the cleaners
-Make a grocery list in advance; a house full of guests + 1 roll of TP=chaos
-Set realistic goals; you cannot do it all in one day
-Ask others for help; ask a friend or family member to pick up the laundry if they are on that side of town but remember to return the favor!
-Take a break; it's ok to retreat to your room for a few minutes even if you do have house guests, they'll understand
-Bite your tongue; In some cases, keeping your peace in the moment, will allow for peace after the fact
-Remember the true Reason for the Season

This year, why not try to make an effort to follow this list and let the readers know how it works by leaving a comment on how you manage Holiday stress.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

What's Your Reality?

2008-11-13T20:51:00.010-05:00

The Real Housewives of Atlanta, The Real Housewives of Orange County, I Married Myself a Balla', Paris Hilton's: My New BFF, Hogan Knows Best, Whitney and Bobby!

With so much "Reality TV" on, it is easy to loose focus and get caught up in what someone else's reality is. I recently saw someones status on a social networking site that said, "I'm watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta, I can't wait to be like them". And I thought to myself, "why not be like you?"

It is important to live our lives based upon our own reality rather than the life someone else has, or the lifestyle someone wants us to have or even think we should have. When we live for ourselves, we remove a lot of pressure to try to be like someone else. We aren't consumed with keeping up with the Joneses, but we are consumed with being the "best me I can be". Now, I'm not saying to not reach for higher goals, wealth, prosperity and status. I'm not even telling you to not have a role model, so don't get me wrong. But what I am saying is don't loose yourself in the process. Reach for these things because you want to better yourself and your family, not because you want to be like someone else.

Have you ever wondered what a real, reality show would look like? What if a news or TV crew followed you everyday, unscripted and uncut? What if they watched you raise your children to be humble and respectful and they watched you solve a disagreement with your spouse, after you've argued and slammed a few doors. What if they taped you going to work early and leaving late, only to still get caught in traffic. What if the show featured your negative balanced bank account, or taped you making your budget weekly because you weren't too sure how high gas and groceries would be this week. What if it taped your true, raw emotions after a crisis or even after a happy and eventful moment? Would you watch this show? If your answer is no, then my question is why not? Many of us live this life on a daily basis, and even though it may not be the life we want, it is a real life, based in reality! As much as we may want to, we can't "press pause" on our lives, we can't edit and erase situations, we can't live life based upon a script and we surely can't say, "cut, take 2, annnnddddd....action"! Real life, based in reality doesn't happen this way. (We can learn to "record" over the negative thoughts playing in our heads that cause us to feel inferior and incompetent but that's another blog for another day!)

The "Real Life of (your name here)", is the best production running and you are the best critic out there! Let's stay focused on what's real for our own individual situations and make steps to achieve the reality we want. Be Blessed!

"There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other." -Douglas Everett

"What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality."-Otto Rank

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

I admit it, I had a really hard time!

2008-11-10T19:55:00.009-05:00

Yep, I said it and I'm not ashamed to tell you! At least, I'm not ashamed anymore. You see, the last 30 days have been so hard for me. And it all started with a dreaded call from my doctor on October 10, it knocked me completely off track. I, "the therapist" was caught off guard! The call left me thinking, what the... (explicit)! But, after loosing it and crying for a little while, I pulled it together and relied on the comfort of my faith, my God, and my friends and family. I resorted to doing what I knew, I prayed. Then, I resorted to what I tell my clients. I talked about it, journaled my experience, stuck to my normal daily routine and celebrated with millions the election of Barack Obama. Then, while I was still on cloud nine, day dreaming about my crush, Mr. Obama, I received another phone call on November 5th. My heart immediately sank and I panicked because I was told after going in for tests, "everything looks good and we'll only call you if something further is needed". So, you can imagine how fast my Obama-high deflated when I heard the voice message from my doctor, "call to make an appointment". I called back and the nurse, who is always friendly to me, said, "the doctor wants to go over the results with you. I'm sorry honey." So, once again, I lost it, but this time, it was different. I didn't rely on my faith, because, honestly I felt let down, betrayed, and started to question my God. And to make matters worse, I had to wait 5 days before I could see the doctor, which made my weekend very difficult to get through. I had done what I tell my clients on a daily basis NOT to do. I isolated myself, I retreated inside myself, I didn't talk it out and pushed away those who were only trying to help me. But, in my defense (more like justification for my actions), I didn't want to be rude; I didn't want to explain; I didn't want to cry. I didn't know what to say when someone would ask, "how are you doing" or when they'd say "it's going to be ok". I thought, "how would you be doing", "how do you know it's going to be ok". So, in order to not have to hurt someone or talk about what I was feeling and thinking, I threw up the "deuces" (shut everyone out). Fast forward to today, November 10th, my doctors appointment. As I'm driving and once I get into the room to wait some more, I say, "Keep it together Kristy, don't loose it, keep it together, you can do it, you can do it, you can do it." Then, I lost it! And thankfully, my doctor kept me calm and from passing out on the cold floor. Turns out though, although I didn't get the outcome and results I wanted, the fact is, things can be A LOT worse, and I am very well aware of this. So, even though I'm not feeling 100% like my usual self, I am feeling better than I did last week, this weekend, this morning and a few hours ago. I know there is a reason for everything, nothing just happens. I know people have far worse situations than mine. Like Margie LaSalle who is living with Stage IV cancer, has a husband and two small children. But, she is able to say, "not me, I have to be here for my children"!

These are the lessons I learned during this last month:

1. I am human
2. It's ok to "loose it"
3. Get over myself, see the blessings awaiting me and be thankful
4. Don't make those who are trying to help me suffer too
5. Say what I feel and think
6. Nothing is too big for my God to handle
7. I am strong and can handle more than I think I can
8.God doesn't punish us
9. Negative and pessimistic thinking does take a toll on a person
10. Don't give up, take a day or two to be absorb and process information, then deal with it
11. Like my previous blog says, I am a survivor

So, I would like to thank everyone who has been here for me these past 30 days and longer. Thank you for not trying to "drop kick" me, thank you for threatening to "stalk" me if I didn't answer my phone "one more time", thank you for telling me you'd "tear down" my gate to get to my house (and risking catching a legal charge), thank you for sending me 'Superpokes' on Facebook, thank you for praying for me when I didn't have the strength, thank you for cleaning my kitchen, thank you for making me veggie lasagna, thank you for making my bed just so I can lay right back in it, thank you for allowing me to be mean and not taking it personal, thank you for knocking on my door at work using a special knock so I'd know it was you, thank you for giving me a book to read, thank you for reminding me that I shouldn't question God, thank you for emailing me, thank you for sending me scriptures to read, thank you for encouraging me! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

You are: God, Henry, Ke'Sha, Shaketa, J'olene, Liz, my mama, Greg, Melvin, Maria, Dr. Hudson, Anna, Joel Osteen, Barack Obama, David, my clients, my Sorors and anyone my head can't remember to name!

As I close, men and women, please love yourselves and your families enough to get your annual physical exam and suggested tests, it might just save your life! Don't forget to leave a comment and read the story of Margie and Chris LaSalle. Thank you

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

I'm A Survivor

2008-11-07T12:30:00.001-05:00

"I'm a survivor, I'm not gon' give up. I'm not gon' stop, I'm gon' work harder. I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on survivin'!"

These are the lyrics to Destiny's Child hit song, Survivor.

I conducted a group yesterday with 8 teen girls who have lived and experienced almost every kind of imaginable abuse and trauma. The topic was "Victim vs. Survivor" and I had them make a list of the characteristics of a victim and those of a survivor. When we began discussing a survivor, some gave the general answers, "strong, happy, trusting". Then came the "deeper" answers like, "willing, white, black, powerful, wounded, fights back, uses misfortune to their advantage, learns from their mistakes" and so on. As the group moved on, they agreed, "a survivor can be anyone. I'm a survivor!" Once they really absorbed this thinking, their attitudes and body language shifted to a positive, and what seemed to me, joyful disposition. They were able to learn that despite their life's experiences, they don't have to be victims, they can "fight back" and be a survivor. As a therapist, this was a joyous moment for me. I was thinking, "they get it, they really get it!!"

So, my next question to them was how does one move from being a victim to being a survivor and these are the answers from girls 13-16 years old:
Talk your problems out,
Take baby steps,
Get a support system,
Identify the problem then admit it is a problem,
Ask for support,
Build a team of trusted people.

I challenge you to identify those things that are making you a victim and use these steps to help you move to a survivor. You can then finish with Destiny's Child's tune: "After all the darkness and sadness, soon comes happiness. If I surround myself with positive things, I'll gain prosperity"!

Leave a comment with your thoughts, song lyrics, and/or quotes related to being a survivor.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

Fear: The Dream Stopper

2008-11-02T19:15:00.006-05:00

"I don't want to get hurt again". "I'm scared 'cause I don't know them". "What if..., what about...".

Does this sound like you or someone you may know? Many of us do not know our true potential due to our fear of the unknown, our fear to step out on faith and see what the world holds for us. I can recall a moment in my life when I used to ALWAYS say I needed to know exactly what was going to happen. I made every attempt to plan due to my fears. Rather than making reasonable and logical plans, I often prohibited myself because I was scared. Someone close to me, who is well accomplished and very secure told me yesterday, "I'm scared to love and get in a relationship because I don't want to get hurt again. It's hard" (then she let out a resounding and high pitched, "ooohhhh-wwweeee")! Now, I can understand this thinking and I'm sure many of you can! I have been at that point in my life too, almost 3 years ago. But, when I did finally let go of my need to control, my fear, and lay my past to rest, I was able to love again AND be loved on a level I could never imagine.

But, here's the kicker for me. As I talked to a group of girls on yesterday regarding anger and forgiveness, one of them said she didn't want to travel (which is one of her dreams), because of her fear of being kidnapped and not knowing foreigners! At 11 years old, she is actually re-evaluating her life's dream, due to a fear that can happen right in her own neighborhood (kidnapping, strangers, etc). Her fear, and many of ours, has become a dream stopper! This hurt me because I thought to myself, what are we teaching our children? We tell them they can be anything they want to be and can do anything they want to do, but as they WATCH us restrict our own goals, they indirectly learn that fears can stop them; that they can be whatever they want to be with the exception of what they fear!

Ask yourself, what would've happened if Martin Luther King, Jr. would've given in to his fear? If Ghandi would've been stopped by fear? What if John McCain would've been stopped by fear when he was a POW? What if Barack Obama would've stopped his dream to potentially be the first African American President of the USA because of his fear? What if you would have never gotten back on your bicycle when you were little because of your fear of falling again? And my ultimate, what if Jesus would've never died to save man because of a fear? The point is, in order to do great things and reach our dreams and goals, we cannot give in to fear!

Have you ever heard the saying, "As a man thinketh, so is he", or "you are what you eat"? The basis is simple, we are only as good as what we think or do. Again, I counseled a 13 year old who told me one day, "I want to be a doctor...but that will never happen". When I asked her why it wouldn't happen, she had no explainable reason at that time. Eventually she was able to acknowledge that her fear of being unable to control her anger due to her past, was the reason she wouldn't be a doctor. She was fearful that her feelings, and her past, would come to haunt her, therefore; at 13 she was ready to give up on her dream to be the first in her family to finish high school, go to college and become "someone big and important". Once she let go of her fear and started to lay her past to rest, she begin to express her dream of being a doctor, not her fear of it!

As you evaluate your dreams, remember that fear contains and holds us. If you give in to your fear, you will be stagnated in learning your abilities and reaching your dreams. Picture it this way. You blow air into a balloon, the air in the balloon represents you and your dreams while the balloon represents your fears. The fear (balloon) is containing you (air), preventing you from escaping and becoming the best you. Now, place a few long pieces of tape on the balloon and use a needle to make a small prick in the balloon where the tape is (this actually works). You will notice that the air is seeping out of the balloon, rather than the balloon bursting. You are no longer being contained by your fears! With one small step, you are slowly becoming a better you!! Sometimes, we have to find the strength (tape) in us and move from your comfort zone and all it takes is a little motivation and push (needle stick).

The tag line of my private practice is: "New Vision Counseling Center: Offering a New Vision To Meet Your Life's Destiny". When we change how we see something, we are able to have a New Vision on what is destined for our lives, we can see how to reach our dreams! But first, we must move fear out of our sight! It can no longer be a Dream stopper, but now a Dream Maker!

Don't forget to leave a comment with your thoughts, your dreams and most importantly, how you will no longer be contained by your fears.

What Does Your "To Do" List Look Like?

2008-10-26T16:31:00.001-04:00

To Do
Annaul physical exam-check
Eye Exam-check
6 month dental cleaning-check
Hair appointment-check
Get vitamins-check
Excercise-check
Buy healthy food-check
Make therapy appt-?

Many of us will make sure we take care of our physical needs. But, when it comes to our mental health (not mental problems/issues), it is often put on the back burner. Many things can keep us from seeking counseling. Some people feel there is a stigma attached to seeking counseling, "People will think I'm crazy" or others will choose to pray about it or let it ride out. Still, some may say, "I just can't afford it". If thsi is you, or someone you know, here are my responses:

You are not "crazy". We all experience tougher times and talking to a trained professional is often helpful. Besides, why are we worrying about judgemental people?

Yep, I agree that you should pray, especially for a therapist who is in line with you and can understand and help you. We all have a purpose and were put on Earth to fufill that purpose.

When you sit and think about it, how much do you pay to get your hair done? At one point, I used to pay at least $85-90 every two weeks, in addition to driving 35 minutes to this particular stylist. How much will we pay to get our nails done ($30-$50, more if you like designs, gel nails and sea salt added!). What about a new outfit for a party? All of these things address our outer appearance or physical health. Yes, it is true, "when I look good, I feel good"!! But, if you have deeper underlying issues that haven't been addressed, it doesn't matter how good you look if you don't feel good too!

Let me ask you a question, if your doctor told you that you had Diabetes, high blood pressure or even needed to come in for follow up tests, what would you do? Would you not buy your life saving Diabetic or blood pressure medicine? Would you skip the follow up tests and hope that it is nothing serious? Better yet, would you make your children/spouse/friends/family worry about your condition. I am 99% sure that the answer to these questions is NO!

Yep, you're right, "money is funny" right now. And when it comes to feeding your children, buying your medication, or getting gas vs. a weekly therapy appointment, I agree. But, you may be surprised to see how many therapists are willing to work with you (after all, it's a helping profession). Does this mean your appointment is free? Well, is your copay free? Nope! But there are several locations offering lower cost services (as low as $20). For instance, I have no problem with offering a discount (not free) if a person is consistent and shows up to their appointments as scheduled. I work with financial situations and in some cases, have suggested that my clients come every other week rather than weekly so their budget isn't affected to much. I also offer a "buy 3, get one free" for those who want to pay in advance.

Now, everyone doesn't do this but, if your mental health is just as important to you as your physical health, why not check it out! We shop around for bargains everyday, so take some time to shop around so you will not only look good but to feel good too!! Soon, you will be able to mark "make therapy appt" off your ever growing "To Do" list.

To help you get started, here are a few links to check out and speed up your process. (Besides NVCC, this list does not suggest/imply that any of these places offer the same discounts/prices/etc as I do.) If you know of other counseling/therapy places, please feel free to leave them in the form of a comment.

New Vision Counseling Center (me!!)
Families First
Tiffanie Davis, LLC
Evan Katz (The Anger Guy)
United Way
Powers Ferry Psychological Associates
Georgia Professional Counseling Center

And as always, you can contact your insurance carrier.

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

Take A Break:Your Mind, Body and Soul Will Thank You!

2008-10-20T21:58:00.015-04:00

Do you often sit back and think about how much you take care of yourself? Those of us in the profession call this "self care" or it can be referred to as "me time". While driving home today, I found myself utterly and ridiculously tired, but I said, "I have to go to Walmart, then to the office, then do some work when I get home. I can't take a nap, I'll just go to bed early". So, nonetheless, I couldn't fight it, and took a nap. I awoke rejuvenated and able to do some work. Some studies suggest that napping can be beneficial as it allows brain neurons to replenish. Ever tried to do something and you were so tired you couldn't focus, or you couldn't get beyond that one sentence you were reading? How were you when you went back to it after napping or going to sleep and picking it up the next day?

Some benefits of sleep or power napping are: less stress, increased alertness and productivity, improved memory and learning, good for the heart, increased cognitive functioning, get motivated to exercise, boost your creativity, make up for midnight tossing and turning, protect yourself from sleepiness, and better health.

Here's the twist! Many of us feel guilty by stopping and slowing down. We feel we have to be everything all the time (the soccer mom, perfect husband, carpool family, faithful church goer, workaholic and more). Practicing self care or taking "me time", can be easier than you think. My ultimate self care, is a nap when I need it (even if I have to leave the office during lunch for a quick 15-30 minute snooze)! For others, a simple stroll in the park, meditation, yoga, taking a bubble bath, watching a funny movie, going to a sports event, and going to the spa are some ways we can take a break. By taking care of ourselves, we are showing appreciation to ourselves, and in turn, also benefiting those we love. When we practice self care, we receive a "Thank You" from the most important person we know, OURSELVES! So, go ahead and take a break! You deserve it and owe it to yourself.

Leave a comment and tell us all how you take care of yourself. I look forward to reading it!

What a Difference a New Vision Makes!

2008-10-16T23:27:00.012-04:00

I received a phone call tonight from "Suzy" asking me if I felt she was wrong by not contacting a her sister "Jane" to resolve a problem. I gave my opinion, she gave hers, and that went back and forth for a while. Then, I heard something that struck a cord with me, "she knows what she is doing, she made me angry, talking to me like I'm a child". I listened as Suzy explained how her sister, Jane, "made me angry" and as Suzy negated many of my view points. Eventually Suzy was able to hear me out!

It's not what a person does to us that makes us angry, it's more of what we think about what the person did that makes us angry. For example, you go to a "classy" restaurant and the waiter, in your opinion, ignores you. You try to get his attention and he continues to walk pass you and brush you off. You really want to try this new place so you don't immediately leave. By now, you feel yourself getting antsy, somewhat hot under the collar. You think, "how dare he ignore me, he must think I can't afford this place, he must be prejudice". Now, you really get heated and ask for the manager. The waiter's action of "ignoring" you didn't anger you, it was your perception of why he may be ignoring you. Now, think about it like this, he just received a call that there was a tradegy in his family, or his wife is in labor but his boss wouldn't let him leave yet because "it's really busy that night", plus, if he leaves, his check will be short and he won't be able to buy his newborn pampers! How would you feel if you knew this information prior to your thought pattern? You'd probably feel sorry for him, be more patient, you may even leave a bigger tip!

The point is, our thinkinig can determine our feelings and how we react about a situation. Now, back to the phone call. What if the Jane really didn't know what she was doing angered Suzy, better yet, how can Jane know, if Suzy never even told her about how Jane's actions make her feel? So, Suzy is getting angry because of how she FEELS about Jane's actions. And Jane has no idea because Suzy never told her. After talking this out with Suzy, the tone changed to, "Now I can see where people are coming from, she's not wrong, she doesn't know".

Wow, what a difference a New Vision makes. But there's even a bigger reward when we make a choice to think differently, ultimately causing us to feel differently! I challenge you this week to re-evaluate some situations you may be experiencing and ask yourself, "am I really mad/sad/hurt by this persons behavior, or is it what I think about their behavior that has me mad/sad/hurt?" You may be surprised to find out how much control you really have!

*Info in this blog is strictly my personal and/or professional opinion. Posts and comments are not intended to treat, diagnose or replace any medical advice you may have received. Please contact your doctor or therapist if you feel you need help, and in case of an emergency, dial 911.*

You must stretch yourself in order to grow!

2008-10-14T23:22:00.000-04:00

This is the first on many blogs to come. As I am new to this entire process, something said, "why not give it a try, you will reach so many people this way". Then , that thought reminded me of the many tasks, dreams and hopes that we put off because we are not sure of the outcome. Many times, we like to live in our comfort zones, areas of limited stress, but it is when we step out of our comfort zones, that we truly grow and learn our potential. My goal is to provide weekly, if not more often, blogs that offer information, hope, moments of "ah ha" and what ever else that may be needed. I welcome posts, discussions and times of enlightenment. So, welcome to my blog! And as I stretch and grow, I challenge you to grow with me!

Now, for those who don't know me, I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in the State of Georgia and a National Certified Counselor. I work with "at risk" children and adolescents in a residential facility as well as own and provide therapy at my private practice, New Vision Counseling Center, LLC; located in Georgia, providing counseling services to children, adolescents and families. I plan to offer blogs on various "self help" topics as well as other areas of interest.

Please understand that if you need professional help, contact your doctor, therapist, or in the case of an emergency, dial 911! The information discussed and posted by myself and/or others is in no way intended to treat or diagnose you!

Again, welcome and I look forward to "blogging" with you.