New York Sports Jerk

WE ARE!!! .... BRAINLESS HICKS!!!

2011-11-12T14:17:00.000-05:00

"Joe Paterno is no longer the head football coach, effective immediately."

To most people outside of State College, Pennsylvania or the Penn State family, those words came as no surprise after learning that Paterno (among others) ignored serious allegations against Jerry Sandusky, who apparently sexually assaulted at least eight (and presumably many more) young boys during and after his career as an assistant coach at Penn State.

However, inside the isolated community of State College and among the legions of demented Penn State zealots, the reaction was substantially different when Paterno's career ended Wednesday night. Which is to say, they completely flipped out and threw a hissy fit because the leader of their State College cult wouldn't get to coach another football game.

Pathetic.

You don't need me to rehash the sickening details of Sandusky's "alleged" crimes - although if you haven't read the grand jury presentment I recommend you do so. It's not for the squeamish, though, so consider yourself warned. Sandusky's punishment is a foregone conclusion, he'll either live out the rest of his life in prison, or he'll take the easy way out and swallow a bullet. If you're a believer in the Code of Hammurabi, you're obviously hoping for the former, so that Sandusky suffers the same fate as as "Victim #2" tragically had to endure. There's one thing prisoners hate, and that's child molesters. There's also one thing they love, and that's shower rape. Good luck in there, Jerry, you F'ing monster.

Either way, there's no argument against the fact that he's 100% guilty, and that more victims will undoubtedly come out of the woodwork.

Where there is room for argument, at least among the Penn State loyalists who rallied around Joe Paterno this week (as well as the deplorable Sally Jenkins, who never met an issue she couldn't be on the wrong side of) is the role Paterno played in covering Sandusky's crimes, specifically the aforementioned "Victim #2" allegation in 2002.

To many, Paterno "did what he had to do" by simply taking what he heard from graduate assistant Mike McQueary and relaying SOME version of it to the athletic director Tim Curley and another school administrator, Gary Schultz. They will claim that simply reporting the allegations up the chain-of-command was enough and that Paterno's firing was undeserved and unfair.

(Every person mentioned in the previous paragraph is guilty of not doing nearly enough, for the record)

My issue with that argument is the idea that Joe Paterno had ANY superiors at Penn State or in State College. That entire argument is contingent on the insane and insulting premise that Paterno was just some middle-manager while Curley and Schultz were authority figures on campus.

For starters, I don't know too many middle-managers who have statues of themselves. (If that's going to be the custom, I'd like to know when I can expect my statue to be dedicated outside my office building on 6th Avenue.)

Humanitarian, eh? Apparently 10-year-old rape victims aren't "human".

The idea that Paterno answered to Curley is utter nonsense, given the fact that Paterno essentially hand-picked Curley to become the A.D. in 1993. The fact that "Joe-Pa" answered to ANYBODY in State College is equally ridiculous, when you consider the idea that on at least one occasion earlier this decade the Penn State administration asked him to resign, a request apparently greeted with a flat "no" in response.

You're ruining my legacy, Jerry. Cut it out, pretty please.

Nobody in their right mind believes there is an authority greater than Paterno in central Pennsylvania, which is why the idea that his responsibility ended with whatever he told his nominal "bosses" is moronic. He could have picked up the phone at any point and said, "we need to do something about this" and everyone in central Pennsylvania would have been on the case in about 10 seconds. Instead Jerry Sandusky kept his office on campus, with the caveat that he's not allowed to shower with little boys anymore. WHAT THE HOLY FUCKING DOGSHIT IS THAT??

Of course, the same could be said for similar allegations against Sandusky in 1998. Those were also swept under the rug, and Sandusky was quietly ushered into "retirement" at the age of 55. I put the word "retirement" in quotes because anybody with the slightest bit of critical-thinking skills realizes what really happened. Paterno undoubtedly heard the allegations, told his longtime friend he would no longer be the coach-in-waiting, and probably told him to step down quietly in the hope that keeping Sandusky out of the spotlight would prevent any increased scrutiny that might lead to more revelations of sexual assault.

Even if that scenario isn't entirely true (and it is, as far as I'm concerned) it's an indisputable FACT that Paterno would have been aware of the 1998 allegations, which is why his lack of action in 2002 is even more unacceptable. Maybe you can chalk the initial allegation up to a hoax, but a second one, witnessed by an assistant coach, SHOULD have triggered a greater response from Paterno and everyone involved.

Instead, they sat on it, and incredibly even allowed Sandusky to continue to have access to Penn State facilities for ANOTHER NINE YEARS, right up until last Friday. By doing so, Paterno is among a group of people complicit in a cover-up that allowed countless other children to become a victim of Sandusky.

Read that last sentence over again, because it is the absolute truth. I'm not capable of doing the mental gymnastics necessary to suggest that Paterno was an iconic figure, yet somehow blissfully unaware and powerless to do anything about Sandusky's crimes. That's what Paterno's defenders would like you to believe. Never underestimate the power of denial.

For the record, there's plenty of blame left for McQueary, the eyewitness to "Victim #2" who failed to stop the incident in progress and went initially to Paterno first rather than the police.

That decision brings me back to my original point about the "cult" that exists around Paterno and the Penn State football program. McQueary was raised in State College, grew up on Penn State football, and undoubtedly idolized Paterno like everyone else in that town. Eventually he played QB for Penn State, and returned after a failed attempt at a pro career to become an assistant on Paterno's staff.

He's also a goddamn ginger.

To him, Paterno WAS the person to go to after witnessing Sandusky raping a young child in the shower, because Paterno was the ultimate authority in his world. If you're raised to believe that, and my assumption based on the reaction in State College earlier this week is that many people are, who else WOULD you go to?

Naturally, McQueary has been the target of death threats, undoubtedly from the sycophants who blame him for the end of Paterno's career as Penn State's head coach. He's still got a job and is apparently under protective custody, which leads me to believe that his testimony in the criminal trial is going to be worth hearing, and incredibly damning to Sandusky, Paterno and many others in the Penn State community.

We haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this entire ordeal, and we'll surely find out more during Sandusky's criminal trial and the civil suit that will undoubtedly be brought against Penn State by his victims. There will be no avoiding the truth for those who hold Joe Paterno in high regard.

The reality for those people will be harsh, and hopefully enlightening, though I doubt it. Regardless, the Penn State football program is finished, possibly for a generation.

You were Penn State.

Derek Jeter's life is a Disney movie, only less depressing

2011-07-10T21:11:00.000-04:00

I’ll preface what I’m about to write by admitting that for the last several months I’ve been ripping Derek Jeter pretty mercilessly. First for his horrible second half in 2010, then for his agent referring to the Yankees contract negotiation strategy as “baffling” when they refused to simply give Jeter whatever he wanted fresh off the worst season of his career, and finally for being, frankly, horrible for the first half of this season.

(I’m 100 percent justified for all of that, by the way, despite sycophantic objections from the “Jeter is God” brigade).

That said, even I have to admit that the Yankee captain still has a way of reminding you how great he was, like yesterday’s incredible afternoon, possibly the best day anybody has ever had in the history of anything. And I mean that sincerely…

Think about it, yesterday morning Jeter woke up in his huge bed next to Minka Kelly under a blanket of $100 bills. Later in the morning, he arrived at Yankee Stadium where everyone said, “hey great to see ya, Captain, good luck out there today.”

The rest of the day went like this:

1st at bat - single, hit #2999
2nd at bat - home run, hit #3000, right at 2PM, by the way. Rousing ovation from the Yankee Stadium crowd, Jeter only the second player ever to record his 3000th hit with a home run. He probably floated around the bases. My reaction in my apartment was something like, “you have got to be fucking kidding me.”
3rd at bat - double
4th at bat - single
5th at bat - RBI single to drive in the game-winning run

That’s the kind of day that reminds you of Jeter, circa 1999. I miss that guy.

Afterwards, the YES Network dedicated about three hours of postgame coverage to Jeter’s 3000th hit. Jeter undoubtedly joined his family and friends for a dinner celebration that probably cost more than I make in a year. After a while, Dr. Charles and the others got tired and returned to their hotels, while Derek and Minka went to bed for (presumably) a wild romp that probably caused several minor seismic disturbances.

In other words, Jeter had a pretty good day, one of the best in a lifetime full of good days. Michael Kay has given Jeter’s bio roughly 1000 times in this season in the buildup to his 3000th hit, but I’ll hit on a few of the bullet points just to drive it home.

-Drafted by favorite team after spending his entire life saying he’d play shortstop for them
-Rookie of the Year and World Series title in first full season
-Four titles in first five years as a Yankee, including a World Series MVP award
-A list of sexual conquests featuring a Miss Universe, and “in her prime” versions of Mariah Carey, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johanssen, Jordana Brewster … the list goes on and on, right up to his current squeeze and future wife, Minka Kelly

Listen, people complain about the Hollywood ending to "The Natural", what would they say about a movie called “The Captain” if it were fictional instead of the reality of Jeter’s life? Roy Hobbs was shot AND poisoned, and had an illegitimate son he never knew about until his mid-30s, and all he really had to show for it professionally was a few months in the majors and one legendary home run. What’s the worst thing to ever happen to Jeter? Someone at a deli counter gave him the wrong sandwich?

It’s a cliché to say “you couldn’t even write a script like this” but in the case of Jeter’s entire life, nothing else can really be said.

Now comes the part where I pour cold water over this entire thing, because that’s exactly the kind of guy I am, and you absolutely love it.

There was a lot of speculation about the value of the ball that was Jeter’s 3000th hit. I saw estimates around $250,000, but in any case, it was worth a lot of money. Obviously, given Jeter’s lack of power it was incredibly unlikely that the ball would end up in the hands of a fan, I’d say it was even money that it would have been a classic Jeter bloop to right or one of his more recently patented hits - the slow roller between third and short that he beats out for an infield single.

Naturally, Jeter had to prove what an asshole I am for thinking that by ripping a 420-foot blast into the seats, and hands of 23-year-old Christian Lopez, a fat schlub who works for Verizon Wireless. Lopez was presumably caught up in the excitement of the moment when he decided to return the ball immediately to the Yankees without asking for anything in return, although the Yankees did give him a suite for the rest of this season, including the playoffs, which has a value somewhere in the neighborhood of $40,000.

Jeter made more posing for this picture
than Lopez will make this decade.

That alone shows just how valuable the ball actually is, and how much of an idiot Lopez is for giving it away so quickly. I’ve heard several people say that it was the “classy” thing to do for a variety of reasons, all of which are naïve and pathetic nonsense, predicated on hero worship and shortsighted stupidity. Here are a couple of my favorites:

-”Some things are more important than money” This is along the lines of the old “money can’t buy you happiness” chestnut. Which, while technically true, misses the larger point that being a miserable bastard is a hell of lot more palatable when your misery is caused by lousy rounds of golf on the world’s finest courses, followed by expensive cocktails and an endless string of sexual escapades with attractive (yet gold-digging) women.

Furthermore, while some things MAY be more important than money, none other than Jeter himself demonstrated otherwise when he was negotiating his latest contract, or his exclusive deal with Steiner Sports to sell a line of commemorative “DJ 3K” bats, shirts, hats and urinal cakes that went on sale about 30 seconds after his 3000th hit.

He’s cashing in on this whole deal, that’s for sure.

-”Jeter deserves the ball because he’s worked so hard to achieve 3000 hits” - I’d have to be the biggest asshole in the world to suggest that Jeter hasn’t worked hard and doesn’t deserve his success. I may actually BE the biggest asshole in the world and I still wouldn’t say that.

Still, his hard work has already been rewarded many times over. He’ll earn more than $250 million by the time his career is over, and that’s just his actually baseball salary. While I disagree with what he’s currently being paid, I certainly don’t begrudge him his right to earn every cent he can, which is equally applicable in this case.

Jeter absolutely deserved the “moment” of the 3000th hit. The ball, however, is not his, once it enters the stands.

Lopez clearly wasn’t prepared for the possibility of possessing Jeter’s 3000th hit, and given that he was sitting in section 236 he can be forgiven for that, since Jeter hadn’t homered at Yankee Stadium in nearly a year and very rarely pulls the ball in the first place.

Still, part of life is being prepared for any opportunity that presents itself, however remote the possibility.

A few years ago, I went to the game in which Alex Rodriguez hit his 500th home run. My seats were in left, prime HR territory. Before the game, I made a list of things I’d want in exchange for the ball, should it end up in my possession. Sadly that list remained in my pocket, though the ball did come within about 15 feet of where I was sitting.

Jeter’s 3000th hit was even more valuable than A-Rod’s 500th HR. My list would look something like this:

1) Two season tickets for life. I’m not even talking about great seats, something in the 300 level behind home plate would be fine. Current value: $8910 per season (below the IRS gift tax threshold, by the way)

2) A separate, one-time cash gift (from Jeter) of $12,999.99 (again, tax purposes). That’s pocket change for him.

3) A double-date with Jeter and Minka with her co-star in “The Roommate” Leighton Meester.

Her.

Now does any of that seem unreasonable? Everybody wins, especially Miss Meester.

Congrats, Captain. Starting now, I’m declaring a one month moratorium on me ripping you for weakly grounding out to second all the time.

Fat idiot coach says something stupid, and for once it's not Rex Ryan

2011-04-18T21:08:00.000-04:00

So the Rangers got back in their first round series against the Washington Capitals with a 3-2 win yesterday afternoon at Madison Square Garden, and today Washington's coach Bruce Boudreau decided it would be a great idea to go on a DC radio station and tell everyone how he really feels about the Garden:

"Well, the one thing, its reputation is far better than the actual building," the coach said. "I mean, it's nothing. The locker rooms are horrible. The benches are horrible. There's no room for anything. But the reputation of being in Madison Square Garden is what makes it famous. Also, our building's a lot louder, too. So I mean, they can say what they want, but it's not that loud in there."

What a surprise, a man of Boudreau's girth complaining that the locker room and benches are too small. I'm surprised he didn't complain about how the narrow concourses prevent him from getting to the food court during intermissions or that the cotton candy vendors never make it below the 200 level.

What's really funny, though, is that Boudreau has the nerve to knock Rangers fans for not being as loud as the red-shirted buffoons in DC. First, let me say that I spent an entire season at Verizon (formerly MCI) Center covering the Capitals on a professional level, and clearly Boudreau didn't make many trips to the arena while he was coaching the Capitals' minor league affiliate in Hershey, PA, because if he had he would have noticed that there were about 7500 fans in the building on most nights.

In fact, the only time the arena actually got loud was when the Rangers, Penguins or Flyers were in town and the place was full of opposing fans who would make all the noise. Otherwise, it was one fat guy in the upper level with a plastic horn and about 12,000 empty seats.

Of course, the Capitals got much better in subsequent years, and all of the sudden their arena is packed with "hardcore" fans who suddenly (and conveniently) realized there was a hockey team in town.

As for the relative noise level, any advantage held by the Verizon Center is due entirely to their PA announcer, who spends the entire game shouting into the microphone and directing fans to specific cheering instructions on the jumbotron at center ice.

For the record, the Garden on a Sunday afternoon is a LITTLE bit different than the Garden for a night game, and a suspect Boudreau's comments will inspire those in attendance tomorrow night to prove him wrong.

YouTube buried treasure, Masters Edition

2011-04-09T08:51:00.001-04:00

This one isn't so much about the clip itself (although last year's 3rd round was epic) but rather about the musical accompaniment. For the last few years, CBS has been using that wonderfully upbeat instrumental as the score for their highlight montages when they come on the air and periodically during their coverage.

For about that long, I've been on a desperate search to find out where the music actually came from. (Why yes, I am a bit of a nerd, thank you for asking).

Well, that search ended at about 7:45 this morning.

You're welcome.

As for the golf itself, I'm about as geeked up as ever for what's going to happen at Augusta this weekend. So much so, in fact, that I woke up without an alarm at 7:15 this morning just to re-watch yesterday's DVR'd coverage for a third time.

Should be a great weekend, despite that prick Hunter Mahan missing the cut by one stroke and screwing over my Masters pool roster in the process. Four birdies in five holes to get back on the cut line, then he just throws it away on 17. Thanks, schmuck.

YouTube buried treasure: 1990 - two for the price of one

2011-04-02T14:04:00.000-04:00

Heading into the Final Four, my bracket is once again a loser - making it 21 years and counting without a pool victory.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the closest I ever came to winning was in 1990 when I was in fifth grade and entered my father's office pool. That year, I finished second in the pool, losing on a tiebreaker (to my dad) when UNLV hammered Duke 103-73 in the final.

I had Oklahoma picked to reach the final in my bracket, and had they managed to defend the baseline against Carolina, I could have been the winner. As it was, the $80 second prize was like winning a million dollars to an 11-year-old.

Speaking of UNLV, let's now enjoy their national championship victory/team slam dunk contest against Duke...

In reality, this highlight package doesn't even do justice to exactly how badly the Runnin' Rebels whipped Duke's ass in that game. At one point in the second half, UNLV went on an 18-0 run, also known as "the most hilarious two minutes and 54 seconds in basketball history".

Of course one year later, Duke upset an unbeaten UNLV team in the semifinals, which helped usher in the current era of Duke's obnoxiousness, now into its third decade. I've long held onto the belief that UNLV lost that game on purpose, however I recently watched the entire game on the wonderful NCAA Vault website, and have changed my tune on that.

Enjoy the Final Four.

YouTube buried treasure of the week: 1990 - Maurice Newby ignites my March Madness obsession

2011-03-15T21:37:00.000-04:00

In March of 1990, a precious and adorable 5th grader woke up on Thursday morning with a very bad sore throat and cough and stayed home from school to rest.

That Thursday at noon, a tradition began - one that continues 21 years later. On that day, I witnessed the opening of the NCAA Tournament, and I haven't missed it since.

Maurice Newby's shot actually occurred in the early afternoon the next day, lifting 14th-seeded Northern Iowa over Missouri, the #3 seed.

A year later, I was again stricken with an illness, albeit a less serious one that was embellished in order to stay home for the beginning of the tournament on Thursday. Proving how cool she was, my mother actually let me play in my Little League game on that Friday night despite staying home from school.

(Historical note: I pitched a complete game and had two doubles)

The following year (now in 7th grade) I was 100% healthy and put on the performance of a lifetime to stay home for the opening of the 1992 tournament.

Finally in 1993, Mama Sports Jerk caught on, and yet again demonstrated her unmatchable awesomeness by saying something like, "listen, I know the tournament starts today, if you don't have any tests, I'll call you out of school so you can watch."

Love you, Mom.

The 1990 tournament is famous for a few reasons. Bo Kimble honoring the late Hank Gathers by shooting left-handed free throws during Loyola Marymount's run to the Elite Eight. And UNLV's historic ass-whipping of Duke for the national title. Look for more on that before March is over, as well as a recap of how Rick Fox screwed me out of hundreds of dollars in my father's office pool that year.

If you side with NFL owners, you're a dipshit

2011-03-11T20:12:00.001-05:00

There has been a lot of posturing and spin in the few hours since the NFLPA decided to decertify and send the CBA negotiations to court, primarily by the NFL owners, who have assumed that we've all forgotten that they are entirely responsible for this situation in the first place.

Leaving the numbers out of it for a moment, here's the rough timeline of events leading up to today's decertification:

2006 - NFL and NFLPA agree to six-year extension of CBA through 2012 season

2008 - NFL owners say, "fuck this, we hate the CBA we just signed two years ago" and announce their intentions to opt out of the deal after the 2010 season

2011 - NFL owners tell players to give back $1 billion or they'll lock them out

Today - NFL owners - "We are disappointed the players didn't agree to unilaterally revert back to pre-2007 terms and we're hoping you don't see how completely full of shit we are."

To put it bluntly, the owners ripped the CBA to shreds, and are upset that players aren't caving in to their ludicrous demands over shared revenue.

As far as I'm concerned, the owners are absolutely profiting less today than they were in 2006. However, the reason for that has nothing to do with what the percentage of revenue being shared with the players, and everything to with the revenue that ISN'T, which includes local sponsorships, stadium advertising/naming rights, PSL/ticket/suite sales, etc. The players don't see even one cent of that cash.

Now, the struggling economy has undoubtedly hurt the owners financially in those areas. However, I fail to see how it's the players' responsibility to give money back because of it, particularly since, by all accounts, the NFL brought in about $9 billion this year and just held the most-watched Super Bowl of all time. The way I see it, the owners feel entitled to a certain level of income, and since they apparently haven't reached it, they want to take money back from the very people who make that income possible.

I'm sorry, I refuse to believe that the owners aren't completely to blame for this situation. They can talk all they want about "splitting the difference" with the NFLPA, but all that means to me is that their offer is 50% less shitty than their initial one.

This entire ordeal was initiated by the owners, and their security blanket (in the form of guaranteed TV money) was shot down in court. Now they're trying to paint the players as the greedy party, which requires an absurd leap of faith and is the best example of the "pot calling the kettle black" I can possibly imagine.

Just to drive that point home, let me tell you about the weekly emails I get from the New York Giants, offering me the "once in a lifetime" opportunity to buy a $10,000 PSL to watch them play in a stadium none of their fans ever wanted in the first place.

Fuck off.

YouTube buried treasure of the week: 1995 - Jerry Stackhouse dunks on 9300 nerds

2011-03-03T20:38:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the newest feature here on this idiotic blog, as if an infrequently updated blog with virtually no readers needs new features.

Every week, I'll be posting some relatively obscure video that resides in my YouTube favorites folder.

As Duke and North Carolina get set to renew their rivalry on Saturday, I thought it would be appropriate to look back on one of my favorite moments from that long-running feud.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that I was a Duke fan back in 1995, like many of my fellow white suburban pricks. Given my heterosexuality and incredible handsomeness, actually attending Duke was out of the question as I failed to meet their primary criteria for admission. As such, my Duke fanhood ended and I came to hate Duke with every fiber of my being, just like everyone else with a soul.

Now that that's out of the way, let's all laugh at Cherokee Parks and the other four clowns Duke had on the floor for Stackhouse's display of awesomeness. Parks is joined by Eric Meek, Trajan Langdon, that little runt Wojo and the incredibly obnoxious Chris Collins. In case you've forgotten, this was a Duke team so horrible that Mike Krzyzewski suffered from a case of "exhaustion" and petitioned the NCAA to dump the team's horrible record on longtime assistant Pete Gaudet rather than have his coaching record besmirched by a laughable 2-14 ACC season.

The Tar Heels, meantime, were loaded with talent. Stackhouse and Rasheed Wallace were the primary weapons, and were joined by sharp-shooter Donald Williams, and Jeff McInnis, who (rumor has it) spent his leisure time nailing the wife of Carolina assistant coach and legend Phil Ford. They would eventually reach the Final Four in Seattle, before losing to the defending champion Arkansas Razorbacks in the national semis.

As it turned out, this game would go down in history as one of the best between Duke and Carolina, with Jeff Capel's desperation three forcing a second overtime, where the vastly superior Tar Heels finally prevailed.

The NFL Scouting Combine frightens and confuses me

2011-02-27T22:09:00.000-05:00

The Twitter universe was set ablaze this morning on the news that Auburn quarterback Cam Newton had performed a standing broad jump of 10'6".

My initial reaction was something like, "who gives a shit?"

Upon further reflection, that original question remains valid, and I'm left wondering why such a thing matters for someone whose primary movement as an NFL quarterback is dropping back from under center.

I've never understood people who can actually sit there watching the combine and genuinely care about these little drills that ultimately tell us nothing about a player's ability to, you know, play football. Grown men sitting around watching young men in shorts doing drills suitable for a middle school physical fitness test. I realize there's information to be learned by the scouts, but my confusion comes from the people who sit at home watching on the NFL Network while munching on potato chips.

How many of those people have claimed that they won't watch baseball or soccer because they're "too boring"? Yeah, nothing gets me jacked up like watching some bozo from Bumblefuck University running the cone drill.

But back to my original point, Cam Newton can jump really far - which will undoubtedly come in handy when he's skipping passes to wide-open receivers. I mean, a spectacular broad jump is clearly a prerequisite for stardom as an NFL quarterback.

Or not.

Newton is undoubtedly a freakish athlete, which I'd consider largely irrelevant to the question about his future as an NFL quarterback/entertainer/icon.

I doubt Joe Montana could jump over a puddle on the sidewalk, and that guy couldn't take a shit without winning a Super Bowl MVP award. Then again, he's never gotten to play in the Arena Football League, CFL or Grocery Baggers Football Association like the combine broad jump all-stars up there.

Set your faces to "uproarious laughter" when Newton's name is called on draft day, and leave them there until he's the backup QB for the Toronto Argonauts.

Old Rexy is making guarantees again

2011-02-24T21:06:00.001-05:00

"I believe this is the year we're going to win. I guarantee we'll win [the Super Bowl] this year. I'm trying to will a championship."

If those words out of Rex Ryan's gaping maw seem familiar, it's because he says something to that effect every time he polishes off a plate of cheese fries -- roughly once every 11 minutes.

I don't despise Rex like his father (a man who deserves to have his skull bashed in with a shovel before carpenter ants are unleashed on whatever brain tissue remains inside) but he always sounds like someone trying to convince himself of something he might not actually believe, like when I look in the mirror and tell myself I'm capable of satisfying a woman sexually.

He continues...

"The reason we're going to win is we're going to lock arms and we're going to find a way to get it done. From players, coaches, fans, we're going to lock arms and when we do we're going to find a way. I believe it."

One thing is certain, Rex seems to have crafted the perfect strategy for winning the NFL's annual "Red Rover" tournament.

And finally...

"I'm always going to say the same thing. I believe we can be champs. Why wouldn't I believe it? Somebody tell me why I shouldn't believe that we deserve to be champions."

I don't really know how to answer that, other than to say that the only team that deserves to win the Super Bowl is the team that actually wins it. This year it was the Packers, last year it was the Saints. And two years prior to that, the Giants, who deservedly won the Lombardi Trophy for the third time in their glorious existence as a football franchise that doesn't annually rip its fans guts out and urinate on them.

(They only do that semi-annually)

You get what I'm saying. Next year there will certainly be a deserving Super Bowl champ (assuming there is a next year in the NFL) but my guess is it won't be the Jets, and we can start this whole guarantee charade all over again in perpetuity.

There's probably a joke about Rex putting his (or his wife's) foot in his mouth, but I'm better than that.

Oh, and I guess I'm back to writing this silly little blog, however infrequently. Stay in touch for fascinating columns on how the Yankees plan to enter the 2011 season with one starting pitcher worth a damn, and other musings on idiotic and pointless sports-related nonsense.

Giant kick in the balls

2010-12-24T15:44:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what's more disappointing about Sunday's debacle against the Eagles, the fact that the Giants completely fell apart and blew a three-touchdown lead in the last eight minutes, or the fact that I knew it was coming.

The Giants are still, in fact, the Giants. Sunday's nightmare wasn't the first time they've found a way to lose a game they should have won, although it is probably the worst loss I've experienced in more than 25 years as a Giants fan.

My introduction to Giants heartbreak was during the playoffs following the 1989 season, when the Giants threw away a playoff game at home against the Rams, and lost when Flipper F'ing Anderson scored in overtime. I'm pretty sure I cried for an hour. I was 10, give me a break.

Eight years later, the Giants hosted the Vikings in a Wild Card game at the Meadowlands. Danny Kanell and company built a 19-3 halftime lead and were ahead 22-13 with under two minutes left, then watched the Vikings score 10 points in the last 90 seconds to steal the game.

Fast forward to January, 2003, when the Giants went to San Francisco for the Wild Card game and suffered the second-biggest playoff collapse in NFL history. Ahead 38-14 with less than four minutes left in the third quarter, the Giants were in complete control, while my father and I started talking ourselves into believing they could go to Tampa and beat the Buccaneers the next week. Then the defense completely fell apart, Jeremy Shockey dropped a sure touchdown pass and Matt Bryant missed a field goal allowing Jeff Garcia to lead a comeback that ultimately put the 49ers ahead 39-38.

But as we all know, it wasn't enough for the Giants to blow a 24-point lead, they had to then give us all hope they would still find a way to win by moving into field goal range as time ran out. Trey Junkin's snap was horrible, Matt Allen heaved the ball down the field, and the refs completely mangled what should have been pass interference against an eligible receiver. In truth, the Giants deserved to lose anyway, and not even a solitary six-pack on my front stoop was enough to forget that disaster.

There are other games on the list too. The Brian Westbrook punt return game in 2003. The blown 21-0 lead in Tennessee in 2006. Jim Fassel throwing away a game against Steve McNair and the Titans in 2002. It goes on and on.

All of that pales in comparison to Sunday, which was a complete nightmare and cost the Giants the NFC East title and may end up keeping them out of the playoffs entirely.

As far as I'm concerned, the game was lost when Tom Coughlin and the special teams coaching staff failed to recognize an obvious onside kick situation following a Philly touchdown that brought the Eagles within 31-17 with just over seven minutes left. There is absolutely no excuse for not having the "hands" team on the field in that spot; I was half-drunk and stated out loud to "watch out for the onside kick." The fact that the entire kick return unit turned their backs on David Akers is damning when it comes to their preparation, and falls at the feet of Coughlin above all. If the Giants handle that onside kick, the game is over, and they're on their way to a first round bye and homefield playoff game.

Instead, the Eagles grabbed the ball and momentum. Michael Vick ran wild on the next drive and scored two minutes later, and the game was OVER despite the fact that the Giants still lead by a touchdown. If you disagree with that, you obviously haven't been a Giants fan long enough to see these things coming.

On the next Giants drive, they were actually able to move the ball for one first down, then shot themselves in the foot when Dave Diehl was hit with a false start penalty that turned 2nd-and-6 into 2nd-and-11. (Penalties at the worst possible time, another staple of the Coughlin regime) The Eagles got the ball back at their own 12, and marched 88 yards in less than two minutes to tie the game at 31 with 1:16 left.

Stupidly, I allowed myself to believe that with three timeouts, Eli Manning had plenty of time to salvage the game in regulation. Two incomplete passes and a sack later, I'd seen enough, and was sitting outside on the curb before the fateful Matt Dodge punt to DeSean Jackson.

I have not seen the play. I will not watch the play. Ever. If I live to be 200 years old, I'll turn away from the television whenever it is shown.

The Giants lost long before that play, and in reality it served as a fitting end to a disastrous day for a special teams unit that has been waiting to screw us all over for years. And, honestly, it saved us all from the agony of losing in overtime anyway, which was a foregone conclusion, regardless of what happened on the (hypothetical) coin toss.

What happens next is what's important to the 2010 Giants and the direction of the franchise in the years to come. Tom Coughlin's December record is pathetic, and a loss to Green Bay on Sunday virtually guarantees there will be no playoffs this season. I'm not a Coughlin-hater, but there is ample justification for getting him the hell out of here. For all his talk about disciplined play, the Giants still make critical errors by mentally and physically far too frequently. I didn't even mention the ridiculous fumble by Mario Manningham in the third quarter that gave the Eagles a pulse down 24-3.

Furthermore, the failure to recognize fairly obvious game situations like the onside kick is completely Coughlin's fault. He builds the coaching staff, and no matter how much we all want to blame Matt Dodge for kicking the ball directly to Jackson on the last play of the game, that never happens if the Giants were prepared for an obvious onside kick.

I consider myself lucky that my travel plans this weekend will prevent me from seeing even a second of the game in Green Bay. I'm still disgusted by Sunday's loss, and taking a week off can only be beneficial to my longterm health and sanity.

Derek Jeter plays for the love of the game, craploads of cash

2010-11-29T13:19:00.000-05:00

You know how Derek Jeter is the ultimate Yankee, who only cares about winning and always puts the team first?

Yeah, that guy doesn’t work here anymore. What’s left is the real Derek Jeter, a baseball player like any other, who desperately wants one more huge contract before riding off into the sunset. Hope you enjoyed the "Jeter folk hero" narrative for the last 15 years, because it’s over and all you sycophants look like idiots.

Jeter is reportedly (and absurdly) asking a contract between four and six years, worth about $23 million (or more) per season.

(Commence sarcastic laughter and wanking motion)

The Yankees have made it known that they want Jeter to return and finish his career in pinstripes, and have offered him a three-year contract worth $45 million, which is a hell of a lot to pay a guy who hit .270 in 2010 and can’t field worth a shit, Gold Glove award be damned.

There isn’t another team in baseball that would even consider paying that much for a 36-year-old shortstop whose best days are clearly behind him, especially if they had just paid him $189 million for the last decade.

Yet every single day I read about how the Yankees are disrespecting Jeter by “nickel-and-diming” a legend. Do you have any idea how many nickels and dimes it takes to get to $45 million? Me neither, but it’s a shitload, you can bet you ass on that.

I wish someone would “disrespect” me like that. I’m two weeks away from dancing on a subway platform for spare change.

If you have a brain in your head, you know that the Yankees’ offer to Jeter is beyond fair, and Derek should accept it as soon as possible before he thoroughly embarrasses himself by seeking a better deal from somewhere else. He won’t find one.

Jeter’s supporters seem to be relying on a few defenses that are inane at best and criminally insane at worst.

My favorite is the idea that because the Yankees once gave Kei Igawa $46 million and gave Jorge Posada a four-year contract at age 36 they should do the same thing for Derek Jeter because … well because he’s the fucking Captain, that’s why.

Mike Lupica tried to pull that absurd bullshit in the Daily News, and I can only speculate it’s because he’s going to get a commission on whatever contract Jeter ends of signing.

The $45 million the Yankees are offering Jeter for three years? It happens to be $1 million less than the $46 million they paid to a scrub pitcher named Kei Igawa. You remember that deal, $20 million for five years and a $26 million posting fee in Japan.

It was no different with Igawa than anybody else: The Yankees are always greedy when they want somebody. Only now Jeter is supposed to be the greedy one if he doesn't take what they're offering. They put out their number and that's it and that's all, take it or leave it.

Based on this logic, learning from your mistakes is apparently bad thing. The Posada contract is an albatross for only another year, and is actually a tremendous example for why the Yankees SHOULDN’T give Jeter any more than three years. Oh and then there’s the fact that other teams were actually interested in signing Posada. Tell me which team is going to offer Jeter a four or five-year contract. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Oh, yeah there are none.

Then there are the people who want to mention the contract that the Yanks gave Alex Rodriguez a few years ago. He’ll be in a Yankee uniform until he’s 42, and the last few years of that deal could be an utter disaster. However, A-Rod is still good for 30 homers and 100 RBI every season until he proves otherwise. If Jeter and his agent want to bring A-Rod into the mix, Brian Cashman and the Steinbrenner family should simply bring up their respective Baseball Reference pages and let the brutal reality of their abilities speak for itself.

Brief synopsis: A-Rod’s better. By a lot.

Still others suggest that losing Jeter would cost the Yankees at the ticket window, and that he deserves to be rewarded for his role in building the Yankee "brand". My response is simple. Wearing the Yankee uniform and being a part of five World Series championship teams has already enriched Jeter beyond his wildest dreams. Does anybody think that we'd be seeing "Jeter's Ford Challenge" commercials every ten minutes if he'd been drafted by the Cincinnati Reds or Houston Astros?

Ask Craig Biggio how being the "face of the Astros" is working out for him. He played his entire career in Houston and had over 3000 hits, and he could walk by about 95% of the population right now and go completely unnoticed. Jeter hit the lottery when he was drafted by the Yankees just as they were beginning to turn the franchise around. By the time he made it to the big club, the pieces were in place for the 1996 title run that started a dynasty. He's certainly no more important to those teams than Paul O'Neill or Mariano Rivera or about a dozen other guys.

Which brings me to the people who genuflect in front of Jeter based on his “intangible” qualities. These are the people who simply cannot be reasoned with, and want the Yankees to hand Jeter a blank contract for him to fill in with whatever years/money he wants.

If you happen across one of these people, run away as fast as you can. They’re dangerous lunatics who should spend a few months at Bellevue to be studied by an entire team of psychiatrists.

Look, I’m not here to badmouth Derek Jeter. He’s been a fantastic player for the Yankees since 1996, and an integral part of their success during the last 15 years. Nobody is denying that.

However, he’s already been paid handsomely for his contributions to five World Series-winning teams. He got paid $23 million to hit .270 last year, and isn’t owed anything more for what’s in the past. Jeter’s best season took place when I was a sophomore in college. I’m 31 now. Things change, people get older. You don’t see me out there drinking like I did back then, and you certainly won’t see Jeter playing baseball at that level.

Okay, that’s a terrible example, I’m still the same sexy lush I was when I was 19. But Jeter isn’t the same ballplayer.

I want Derek Jeter to play shortstop for the Yankees in 2011. And 2012. And probably 2013. Beyond that, nobody knows what’s going to happen, and if Jeter still has something left in the tank after the next three years, he’ll be back.

If he doesn't, he won't.

Where do the Giants go from here?

2010-11-20T12:43:00.000-05:00

I spent the better part of last week telling every Cowboys fan I know (all three of them) that the Giants were going to spend Sunday afternoon humiliating their pathetic team in every possible way, including the very real possibility that Justin Tuck would leave the field at some point wearing Jon Kitna's pelt.

Naturally, the Giants went out and played their worst defensive game of the season, which, combined with several catastrophic offensive mistakes, turned what should have been a season sweep of the Cowboys into a classic mid-season Meadowlands meltdown that creates any number of questions about how good this Giants team really is.

The lesson, as always, is that I'm an idiot. A handsome idiot, but an idiot nonetheless.

In retrospect, I should have seen it coming, because Tom Coughlin's teams are famous for being unable to handle prosperity. In the few weeks leading up to the game, there had been a building consensus that the Giants were the best team in the NFC after reeling off five straight wins. The Cowboys entered the game with a new head coach and in complete disarray, and frankly blew the Giants' doors off with big plays.

The game turned in the second quarter with the Giants poised to overcome a slow start and in position to take a 10-9 lead. Eli's pass intended for Hakeem Nicks was picked off, run back for a 101-yard touchdown that put the Giants behind two scores and in chase mode for the rest of the game. Based on the postgame remarks from Eli and Coughlin, Nicks apparently broke off his slant route early, although with the Cowboys corner squatting on the slant, there's a case to be made that Nicks was expecting an adjustment to a corner throw.

Regardless, that play changed the entire game, and with the defense unable to get stops when they needed, the Giants never got the deficit under 13 points from that point on. There was no pass rush whatsoever, and the secondary was brutal all afternoon in allowing Kitna to throw for 327 yards on only 13 completions.

So, now we're left to wonder whether that putrid performance was an anomaly for an injury-riddled team, or a sign of things to come for a group that hasn't exactly set the world on fire in the second half of seasons under Coughlin.

Based on last week's defensive display, I'm completely terrified about what Michael Vick might do on Sunday night in Philadelphia. DeSean Jackson has already made a living completely annihilating the Giants secondary, and Vick's running ability poses a major problem for a team with a slow group of linebackers.

Suffice it to say, I'm not expecting much on Sunday night, which may actually be a good thing since the Giants thrive on pessimism.

The 1990 Giants were a bunch of sexual predators and felons

2010-11-10T21:05:00.000-05:00

Mark Ingram is sitting in jail for bank fraud and money laundering, but he made the remarkable play on 3rd-and-13 in Super Bowl XXV, so he's forgiven.

Zeke Mowatt pulled out his junk and waved it at Lisa Olson.

Lawrence Taylor made sweet, tender love to a 16-year-old prostitute.

Now Dave Meggett is heading to jail for sexual assault and burglary.

Former NFL player David Meggett was sentenced to 30 years in prison Wednesday after his conviction in a South Carolina court on charges of criminal sexual conduct and burglary, authorities said.

Meggett was convicted in a case involving an encounter with a college student at her house in North Charleston in January 2009, according to authorities.

The only bad thing I'll say about any of these guys is that they didn't beat Ray Handley to death when they had the chance.

Yankees 2010 Review: Complete and total failure

2010-11-09T21:15:00.000-05:00

So, the Yankees did not win the World Series in 2010, apparently because they followed my example of being completely disinterested for most of the season. When the time came to face a quality team in meaningful games (and I’m not counting the Twins who essentially shit themselves every time they see a Yankee uniform) the Yanks couldn’t get it done.

It was terribly annoying to watch the San Francisco Giants pathetic offense rip Cliff Lee and the Rangers bullpen to shreds in winning the World Series after the Yanks were made to look foolish for 95% of the six-game ALCS. Lee, CJ Wilson and Colby Lewis were completely untouchable, and the Yankee lineup looked old and worthless.

A-Rod couldn’t carry the offense for a second consecutive year. Robinson Cano tried but unfortunately had no help whatsoever aside from a resurgent Curtis Granderson. Mark Teixeira was essentially useless for a second consecutive postseason. Nick Swisher just can’t hit good pitching and there’s no reasonable argument against that. Brett Gardner’s one asset (his speed) was apparently ignored since he didn’t attempt a single bunt, even in an attempt to get Lee off his rhythm. Jorge Posada just flat-out sucks and thankfully has only one more season to ruin before he’s thrown into a dumpster. Derek Jeter proved his clutchness and value with his whopping .286 playoff on-base percentage.

The end result was a humiliating exit to the 2010 season for a team that never really had the “feel” of a championship-caliber squad.

Anyway, with that we look ahead to 2011 for an aging team in the Bronx. Joe Girardi will be back after signing a three-year contract that will allow him to make mind-boggling and putrid decisions through the 2013 season - or at least until I get fed up and Girardi ends up in a shallow grave in the South Jersey forest.

Meantime, everyone’s favorite meek-hitting defensive liability has reached the end of his contract, so we’re undoubtedly going to be hearing a great deal about the future of Derek Jeter.

As far as I can tell, there are two schools of thought on how to handle Captain Clutch’s (cue sarcastic scoff) contract. On one hand, you have the people who feel that Jeter should be rewarded for his past accomplishments and deserves a blank check for an undetermined number of years.

If you happen to believe that, I can only assume you become sexually aroused while watching the 1999 Yankees season review video, and it’s my recommendation that you jump forward a dozen years into reality with the rest of us.

And update your hairstyle. You look ridiculous.

But I digress. Let’s just assess the situation rationally and objectively, Derek Jeter is a poor shortstop who is past his prime and will continue to get worse literally on a day-by-day basis for as long as he chooses to play baseball. There isn’t another team in either league who would offer him as much as $10 million for a single season, let alone a multi-year contract some people are calling for him to get.

Blah, blah, blah, he’s the captain, look at all he’s done for the Yankees since 1996...yeah, I get it. I’m not suggesting the Yanks should said goodbye to Jeter, he deserves to play his entire career in the Bronx and can still be a semi-productive player. Plus, Minka Kelly is hot as holy hell and if Jeter ends up in another city I’m not going to get a chance to woo her away from him with my devastating good looks, rapier wit and unlimited grilled cheese sandwiches.

Still, Jeter and the Yanks need to reach a contract that makes sense for both sides, allows Jeter to remain in the Bronx for his 3000th hit, yet gives the team flexibility to improve their roster in other areas. Two years, $24 million (massive overpayment), then retire with some dignity to go make a bunch of little Jeter babies with Minka.

After getting that done, the primary focus of this offseason is to get Cliff Lee at the podium in pinstripes by Christmas. Obviously, that means giving him whatever the hell he wants. I don’t particularly care about his implosion in Game One of the World Series, that happens. I especially don’t care that a bunch of morons at Yankee Stadium threw beer and cursed at Lee’s wife during the ALCS. Listen honey, nobody with a fat face like yours should be complaining about anything, particularly when your husband is about to become spectacularly wealthy.

We’ve all heard that Mrs. Lee likes it in Arkansas and Cliffy likes hunting, and my suggestion to both of them is to forget stupid things like that and hire someone to put together blueprints for a swimming pool to fill with cash and dive into.

Cliff Lee's new hobby.

And really, if Cliff feels the need to shoot something, give him carte blanche to hunt deer along the Palisades Parkway. Or people for all I care. This is the Yankees we’re talking about, if Cliff Lee wants to shoot a few folks, I’m sure nobody would have a problem if we let him loose in Staten Island. Added bonus: plenty of rats to shoot as well.

Six years, $125 million for Cliffy. If he’s great for four of those years, we can deal with two bad ones, because let’s be honest here, by that time this team will be due for another 10-15 year drought.

Not to think too far ahead, but in 2015 the Yanks will still be saddled with contracts for Sabathia, A-Rod, Teixeira for about $80 million. Might as well maximize the next few years, hopefully win another World Series or two, then enjoy the rocket ride down to fourth place in the AL East.

Runaway pessimism aside, the Yankees need to get the most out of the next few seasons and step one is signing Lee.

Get it done.

Bengie Molina pushes gutless Yanks to the brink

2010-10-20T10:21:00.003-04:00

"Joe Girardi managed this game like a regular season game."

-John Flaherty, YES Postgame Show

Thank you, John, I couldn't have said it better myself.

Apparently Joe wasn't satisfied with getting A.J. Burnett into the 6th inning without completely flushing the game down the toilet, and despite the fact that Burnett was losing command and had been pitching himself into trouble for four straight innings, Girardi left him in one batter too long, and with one swing Bengie Molina put the Rangers ahead with a three-run homer that leaves the Yanks a game away from the end of the 2010 season.

The first two Rangers runs were classic Burnett. Leadoff walk, wild pitch, HBP (on an attempted sacrifice bunt), then a couple of bleeders. Other than that, Burnett did what you had to hope he would, getting through five innings with minimal damage. Once he got himself into trouble again in the sixth, it was time for him to go. With Mariano Rivera ready for the 8th and 9th innings, all the Yanks needed to do was get six outs while maintaining the lead.

For a second straight night, the bullpen imploded anyway, and for the second straight night Girardi let Rivera rot in the bullpen rather than bringing him keep the game as close as possible. I guess he's saving Mo for the Grapefruit League opener in March.

In reality, though, it's not fair to place the blame solely on Girardi's failure as a manager. The Yankees offense has been absolutely pathetic for all but one inning in the four games of this series, and only a brutal managerial job by Ron Washington in Game 1 kept this from being a lopsided Rangers sweep. The Yanks scored five runs in the 8th inning of that game, and have scored a total of six runs in the other 35 innings of this series. Not one big hit in the last three games. Not one.

Texas has been the better team in every single phase of the game, they've outscored the Yankees 30-11, and they deserve their 3-1 series edge. They are a better team, there's no other way to say it.

At this point, I'm not ready to give up on the series, but if the Yanks are going to lose, they deserve to lose this afternoon at home so they can feel the wrath of the fans for a putrid stinkbomb of a series. Of course that means they'll probably win, and I'll feel obligated to find a TV on Friday night when I should be laying the groundwork with the female guests the night before my friend's wedding.

And in case anybody was wondering why I am the way I am, here's my dear mother's take on the series so far:

"I hope the crowd in the Bronx boos them off the field when they lose this afternoon! IF they manage a win today, I still don't plan on watching another game this year. AND they can only win if Texas decides to stop playing, because the Yankees do not know how to win on their own at this point."

That about covers it.

Never fear, Frankie Cervelli is here!

2010-10-19T16:46:00.000-04:00

Posada out. Cervelli in. Victory assured.

NorthJersey.com - Here’s the Yanks’ lineup tonight vs. RHP Tommy Hunter, who has never pitched a game in the Bronx…
1. Jeter, SS
2. Granderson, CF
3. Teixeira, 1B
4. A-Rod, 3B
5. Cano, 2B
6. Swisher, RF
7. Berkman, DH
8. Gardner, LF
9. Cervelli, C

Since Posada is worthless at the plate, Cervelli's ability to actually catch/block the ball wins out. Be afraid, Rangers, be very afraid.

Cliff Lee is going to look amazing in pinstripes

2010-10-19T10:31:00.001-04:00

This pitch almost certainly reached the catcher's glove within the confines of the strike zone

Andy Pettitte - one mistake.

Cliff Lee - zero mistakes.

What else needs to be said? Pettitte did everything you could have asked, but Lee was completely unhittable, and threw eight of the easiest shutout innings you'll ever see. The helpless feeling reminded me of Josh Beckett's performance in Game 6 of the 2003 World Series when the Yanks didn't hit a single ball hard all night. Lee was even better.

Once Josh Hamilton's flyball landed in the rightfield seats in the first inning, the entire game had a feeling of complete inevitability.

I can't really figure out why Granderson and Gardner came to plate a total of six times and didn't attempt a single bunt to try and get Lee off his rhythm, but outside of that there isn't much else the Yanks could have done with him.

But that doesn't mean I can't find something to complain about, so let's fast-forward to the top of the ninth inning, when Joe Girardi waved the white flag and gave up with his team down by only two runs. A broken-bat single and 320-foot flyball to right and the game is tied.

Once there was no possibility of a save situation, the ONLY option is to use Mariano Rivera to keep the deficit at 2-0. I've had the argument with a few people in the last few hours, and they always say, "well what do you do if the game goes to extra innings?"

Ummm, that's what you WANT to happen, so you figure it out once you get there. You don't plan ahead for something that may never happen. Instead of using his best pitcher, Girardi went with Boone Logan and David Robertson, and the Rangers put the game completely out of reach, as if it wasn't already with Lee ready to pitch the ninth.

You don't have to be a genius to figure out that the Yankees are in deep shit here. Lee is due to pitch Game 7, and while I'd like to believe that he's a human being capable of making a mistake, there isn't much evidence to support that theory at this point. What that means is that if the Yankees want to win this series, they have to win the next three games.

And who would you rather have pitching a must-win game than A.J. Burnett, right? Even if he miraculously pitches a good game, the lineup has been completely shut down for 26 of 27 innings in this series. Wake the hell up, or this season is going to be over by tomorrow.

As for Lee, let's make sure we get his uniform measurements and catering requests for his introductory press conference in the Bronx sometime in December.

RIP Freddy "Sez"

2010-10-18T10:10:00.000-04:00

NY DAILY NEWS - Yankee Stadium fixture Freddy (The Fan) Schuman, who banged his trusty metal frying pan to rally Bombers fans for over two decades, has died.

The 85-year-old superbooster died Sunday afternoon at an undisclosed Manhattan hospital after suffering a heart attack Friday, said longtime friend Chuck Frantz, president of the Lehigh Valley Yankee Fan Club.

First Bob Sheppard, then George Steinbrenner, and yesterday the legendary Freddy.

I can't tell you exactly when I first met Freddy at the Stadium and hit his legendary frying pan with a spoon, but I'm quite sure I was about 10, and it certainly wasn't the last time I'd do that in a couple hundred visits to the old Stadium and the new one across the street.

Freddy was just one of those unique characters in the Bronx, and along with beer vendor Cousin Brewski ("who's ready to catch a buzz from the Cuz") is one of my oldest memories of going to Yankee games. Even watching games on TV you could tell when Freddy was walking around by the periodic clank you'd hear in the background.

Freddy "Sez" - beat the crap out of Cliff Lee tonight.

Yanks sleepwalk through Game 2, settle for split in Texas

2010-10-16T20:52:00.000-04:00

You really have to love how the Yankees used the momentum from their late rally in Game 1 and jumped all over the Rangers this afternoon.

Oh wait, they stranded a dozen runners and dug another early hole, letting Texas get right back into the series heading back to the Bronx. It was a classic "we got one on the road so who really gives a shit" performance. I hate to be the one to point this out, but only Ron Washington's Girardi-esque bullpen management allowed them to win the first game, but there you go.

I'm not going to defend Phil Hughes, who was as bad in Game 2 as CC Sabathia was in Game 1, but he deserved better in the first inning. Jorge Posada apparently never played in Little League, and like the jackass he is threw to second base on Josh Hamilton's attempt to steal, allowing Elvis Andrus to walk home with the game's first run.

Under no circumstances should that throw have been made, and it showed yet again that Jorge is a sub-standard defensive catcher who doesn't have the first clue what's going on. So Hughes, who struck out the side in the first and allowed only an infield single in that inning, was behind immediately.

Not that it mattered with everyone in the Yankee lineup besides Robinson Cano already thinking about the meal on the flight home. I guess they all listened to that man-fucker Michael Kay, who said after the Game 1 comeback win that this series was already over.

I don't have the time or desire to rip Kay a new one for being the horse's ass that he is, frankly we all should be used to that by now. Long story short, the ALCS is tied at a game apiece heading back to New York, and someone needs to remind the Yankee hitters that they're allowed to start hitting before the fifth inning.

Hughes stunk up the joint anyway, and overcoming a second straight five-run deficit was never in the cards this afternoon. So, Rangers fans finally got to celebrate a playoff win in Arlington, a fact pointed out no less than two dozen times by the TBS broadcasting crew who may as well be wearing 10-gallon hats and antlers.

(Did you hear Josh Hamilton shot a bunch of deer and they're hanging up in the Rangers' clubhouse? I guess that's better than what Hamilton used to shoot, and of course by that I mean heroin because he was a huge junkie.)

As for Game 3, I don't know why they're even playing it, based on everything I've heard about Cliff Lee, who will obviously throw a perfect game, and may even strike out all 27 batters like Steve Nebraska.

Possibly the worst baseball movie ever made, I'd rather watch Mr. 3000 than this piece of crap

Sarcasm aside, with the way the Yankees lineup has fared for 17 of the 18 innings in this series so far, that may not be far from the truth. Still, Lee isn't unhittable, and Andy Pettitte gives the Yankees a chance to be right there when the game goes to the bullpens.

Win Game 3, and suddenly it's advantage Yankees in a big way, even with A.J. Burnett set to start Game 4.

Being a Yankee fan is tons of fun - Yanks steal Game 1 in Texas

2010-10-16T00:59:00.000-04:00

Rangers fans, sixth inning: "Yeeeeeehaawwwwww! Yankees suck!! Don't mess with Texas, y'all!! Check out my big stupid belt buckle!"

Rangers fans, ninth inning: (crickets chirp, tumbleweeds blowing by)

I don't want to take all the credit for the Yankees comeback win tonight, but at 3-0 Rangers, these were my exact words on Twitter:

"Prediction: Yankees win this game 6-4"

Okay, so I was off by a run, shoot me.

How about the fact that Dustin Moseley played a prominent role in winning tonight? While the Yankee bats were silent for two hours, Moseley (and Joba) helped keep them in it after CC dug a massive 5-0 hole.

CC had literally nothing from the first pitch of the night. Everything was up, his off-speed stuff wasn't anywhere close, and to be blunt, he was lucky that it wasn't an even bigger deficit.

(By the way, Rangers fans, don't count on seeing THAT Sabathia again in this series.)

Even after Robinson Cano's solo homer in the seventh, I didn't think the Yanks had much of a chance to come all the way back. Only after Brett Gardner's hustle play leading off the eighth and Derek Jeter's RBI double got it back to 5-2 did that start feeling like a possibility.

Enter Darren Oliver. Two walks later, the bases were loaded for A-Rod, and TBS analyst John Smoltz removed any doubt about the fact that he's wearing a Rangers t-shirt under his suit.

"Now we're going to get a pitching change to see if O'Day can HOPEFULLY stop the Yankees momentum."

Piss off, Smoltz. And if by "stop the Yankees momentum" you meant "give up a two-run single to A-Rod on the first pitch he throws" you would have been prescient. A-Rod's rocket past Michael Young made it 5-4, and at that point I had zero doubt that the Yanks were going to win. It was like Game 1 of the Twins series all over again.

(And how about Young's outstanding Roger Dorn impersonation - if Lou Brown wasn't dead he'd be making him do 40 situps for that "ole bullshit")

Fortunately for us, Brown is selling tires in heaven and Ron Washington in managing the Rangers. His next trip to the mound yielded equally terrible results for his team in the form of a game-tying single on the first pitch to Cano.

Cue pitching change, and cue Marcus Thames go-ahead single.

Maybe the 7th inning was too early for the "Mission Accomplished" banner

The Rangers weren't completely done pissing the game away, though. After leading off the bottom of the 8th with a walk against Kerry Wood, Ian Kinsler got himself picked off first base, effectively ending that rally. A leadoff single and sacrifice bunt off Mariano Rivera in the 9th was merely a tease for the lone star flag-waving hicks in Arlington after Mo fanned Young and got Josh Hamilton to ground out weakly to end it.

One down, three to go to the World Series. Let's go Yanks.

ALCS Preview: Absolutely no excuses

2010-10-15T10:34:00.000-04:00

You couldn't have asked for a better set of circumstances in each ALDS series.

The Yankees took care of business quickly, giving themselves a few days off before the ALCS.

Meantime, the Rangers and Rays went a full five games, which means the Yanks won't get to kick the hell out of Cliff Lee until Game 3 in the Bronx.

In other words, the Yankees enter the series against Texas as favorites.

Now, I know a lot of people will want to talk about that September series in Arlington when the Rangers won all three games. Of course if you look a little deeper into that series, you'll notice that the Yankees started Javy Vazquez, A.J. Burnett and Dustin Moseley, and allowed Greg Golson, Ramiro Pena and Eduardo Nunez to play entire games.

Other than Burnett, you won't see any of those guys appearing in anything but a defensive replacement situation.

Speaking of our buddy A.J., he'll allegedly get the ball in Game 4 at Yankee Stadium, although I doubt very much that would still be the case of the Yanks were trailing 2-1 in the series. Burnett didn't exactly instill anybody with any sort of confidence when he drilled two teammates in a simulated game earlier this week, but for some reason I don't think he's going to be absolutely terrible if he actually pitches in this series.

(Optimism? Me? What the hell?)

As for Lee, I love the fact that he's coming into this series and everyone is just assuming he's going to shut the Yanks down in Game 3. Yes, he shut down the Rays twice, but it's not as if the Yankees have never hit Lee well. They got him for five runs in Game 5 of the World Series last year (a game unfortunately started by "bad" Burnett) and scored four runs in 6 1/3 innings earlier this season.

Use the old formula for when they faced Pedro. Keep the game close, force him to throw a lot of pitches, then go to town on the Rangers bullpen.

Prediction: Rangers in 7

(Highlight below text for non-pessimistic, non-superstitious prediction)

Yankees in 6

Game two, Andy Pettitte. You know the drill

2010-10-07T21:29:00.007-04:00

I don't think it comes as a surprise to any Yankee fan that Andy Pettitte delivered yet another outstanding postseason performance in helping his team to a 2-0 lead over the Twins. That's something we've all seen time and time again.

I do think that many people are surprised that it was Lance Berkman who delivered the two biggest hits of the night in support of Pettitte's latest clutch Game 2 victory.

Despite the objections of Ron Gardenhire and the entire TBS broadcasting crew, Berkman's RBI double off Carl Pavano and his ridiculous mustache put the Yanks ahead for good in the 7th inning in the latest comeback win over the Twins.

And yes, everyone will no doubt be talking about the 1-2 pitch to Berkman that was (incorrectly) called a ball. Yes, Berkman would have been struck out had it been called a strike. Of course, the first strike in that at bat was a foot off the plate outside, but I didn't hear Ernie Johnson or John Smoltz point that out when they were flying off the handle after Lance's double.

So, everyone can just stuff it with that nonsense. Pavano's next pitch was rocketed to left center, and his night was over with plenty of time to get to a dimly-lit gay porno film set, which is the only explanation for his facial hair. Gardenhire got tossed from the game for arguing, presumably because he was working on set as a fluffer and didn't want to be late.

As for Berkman, I think you could add up the distance of all 27 of his hits with the Yankees and they wouldn't be as far as his homer and double tonight. He picked a hell of a time to stop being terrible, didn't he?

Meanwhile, Pettitte made literally one mistake all night long when he threw a hanging slider to Orlando Hudson. Hudson's homer provided the requisite tease for Twins fans, who surely must be tired of watching their team blow leads, then tie the game only the lose to the Yankees anyway. All the Jello salad and lutefisk in the world isn't going to make that any better.

On the plus side, seven months of winter is just around the corner, and Randy Moss is back in town, which is great news for everybody except Minneapolis meter maids.

Don't worry, Twins fans, it'll all be over soon. Presumably Saturday when the Yanks go for the sweep back in the Bronx.

Your daily dose of Yankee pessimism

2010-10-07T17:25:00.003-04:00

Remember when I compared this year's Yankees to the 1997 team in my playoff preview?

Well, let's check in on the comparison after Game 1 of the ALDS.

1997 - Yankees 8, Indians 6. The Indians jump to an early lead, before a 6th inning rally helps the Yankees to a 1-0 series lead.

Don't say you weren't warned.

Yanks bore everyone by rallying past Twins for the hundredth time

2010-10-07T09:52:00.007-04:00

There was a moment last night when I started thinking the Yankees were done in Game 1 against the Twins and probably for the season, and it was at that exact moment that their first rally of the game began.

The lesson there is that my pessimism is the fuel that powers Yankee success, and nobody should ever question my rooting methods or - on a completely unrelated note - unrelenting machismo and sexual ardor.

After Nick Swisher struck out leading off the sixth inning, the Yanks were pretty much dead. Francisco Liriano had retired 10 batters in a row (including 5 strikeouts), the Twins were ahead 3-0 and thousands of frumpy and pale mid-westerners were having the time of lives at Target Field.

I'm pretty sure my exact words at that point were, "we're fucked."

What followed was exactly the kind of rally that happens in literally every Yanks/Twins game.

Teixeira double, wild pitch, A-Rod walk, Cano RBI single ... Yanks back in the game down 3-1.

Then, just as a tease to Twins fans, Liriano struck out Marcus Thames and was within an out of getting out of the jam with a two-run lead.

Posada RBI single, Granderson massive two-run triple, Liriano leaves the game with the Yanks ahead 4-3.

Even though Sabathia completely lost the strike zone and allowed the Twins to tie the game in the bottom of the inning, the outcome of the game was no longer in doubt with Minnesota's bullpen just waiting to come in and suck.

Enter Jesse Crain, who served up Teixeira's two-run moonshot that completely sucked the life out of the stadium for the second time in the game. After the customary Girardi bullpen theatrics, Mariano came in, shattered some bats, ballgame over.

A few other notes from Game One and day one of the postseason:

-Ernie Johnson sounded like someone killed his dog when Teixeira's HR was leaving the park. Oh, and excellent job on Granderson's two-run triple saying "the game is tied" as the go-ahead run was scoring. Didn't they can Chip Caray for blowing every single call last year?

-Does John Smoltz ever shut up? Stop reading off every player's Baseball Reference page. If EJ is going to be the lead voice in this series, why not just get Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith in there and make the broadcast fun at least?

-Roy Halladay is as good at throwing a baseball as David Aldridge is bad at interviewing people who throw baseballs. His interview after Roy's no-hitter yesterday was a catastrophe from the moment it began. It was like an interview from the Chris Farley Show, "hey Roy, remember when you threw the second no-hitter in postseason history? (awkward pause) That was awesome."

Game 2 today. Let's bash Carl Pavano's skull in, literally.