News - AllGov

Trump Kidnaps Gov. Newsom and His Wife

President Donald Trump gleefully announced that, under his direction, U.S. military troops had swooped down on the Governor’s Mansion in Sacramento and kidnapped California Governor Gavin Newsom and his wife, Jennifer Siebel Newsom.

“My military has seized Gavin Newscum and his wife and flown them to prisons in New York,” Trump exclaimed. “We’re charging Newscum with fraud.” When a reporter asked for specifics about the fraud charges, Trump pointed to Attorney General Pam Bondi. Bondi, clearly taken by surprise, said, “We’re looking into it and will let you know the details as soon as we’ve created them.”

Trump added, “Newscum insulted me. He called me a “brain-dead moron.” It’s not right to call me names.”

AllGov reporter Sidney Finster couldn’t control himself, and blurted out, “But you just called him ‘Newscum.’”

Trump became infuriated and said, “I can say whatever I want because I’m the president of the United States. Newscum is just a governor. Governors aren’t worth shit unless they do what I say.”

When asked what Mrs. Newsom had done, Trump replied, “She tries to reduce the power of white men.”

Then Trump said the person in charge of California from now on will be Stephen Miller, a native of California. Miller stepped forward and boasted, “Thanks to President Trump, I will finally be able to carry out my life’s dream: to rid my state of people who aren’t white.”

Trump said, “When I kidnapped Maduro in Venezuela, all that country had was oil. California is a much bigger prize. And I—we—will control it all.”

Trump said that he will take control of the entire economy of California, which is larger than that of Japan. “Everything from prunes to garlic to AI and tech will now be ours,” explained Trump. “Everything. And I’ll decide how the profits will be spent.” Panicked CEOs asked for clarification of what he meant, but Trump did not provide details.

“The best part,” bragged Trump, “is that no studio will be allowed to make a movie or TV show unless I’ve approved the plot. The Jews and women who control the big five Hollywood studios have already agreed to this.”

-David Wallechinsky

Trump Orders ICE and Border Patrol to Kill More Protestors

(Satire?)

U.S. President Donald Trump informed his staff that ICE and Border Control need to kill more protestors. According to multiple aides who choose to remain anonymous, Trump said, “We need people to be afraid. Right now many Americans are surprised when protestors are killed, but they’ll get used to it.”

Trump pointed to the killing of alleged drug traffickers in the ocean. Previously, under both Republican and Democratic presidents, it was common practice to arrest drug traffickers and give them a hearing. If they were found guilty, they were imprisoned or deported. Trump just dropped bombs on them without identifying who they were or presenting evidence that they really were transporting drugs. “At first,” said Trump, “people were surprised, but now they’ve gotten used to it. If we kill six people in the ocean, it isn’t even a story anymore. We’ve killed at least 128 people, and Americans don’t care or even pay attention. It will be the same with killing protestors. It won’t be a story anymore.”

Trump did add one suggestion: “Try not to kill white people. That gets too much attention. Stick to protestors of other colors.”

-David Wallechinsky

Trump Renames National Football League National Trump League

(satire)

At the draw for the soccer World Cup, U.S. President Donald Trump discovered that for the rest of the world, the word “football” refers to what Americans call soccer. Having just received a silly but large trophy from FIFA President Gianni Infantino, Trump said, “When you think about it, shouldn’t it really be called…this is football, there’s no question about it. We have to come up with another name for the NFL [National Football League]. It really doesn’t make sense when you think about it.”

Trump has long had a hostile relationship with the NFL Twice he tried, and failed, to purchase the Baltimore Colts. Twice he tried, and failed, to purchase the Dallas Cowboys. He did successfully purchase the New Jersey Generals of the United States Football League [USFL], which attempted to become a rival to the NFL Trump and the USFL sued the NFL and won. They were awarded $3.76. Trump tried to bully the NFL into letting him buy an expansion team, but he failed. However, this did not stop Trump from trying, and failing, to purchase the New England Patriots and the Buffalo Bills.

Now Trump has finally gotten his revenge. In a late night post, he announced that from now on the NFL will be known as the NTL: The National Trump League. The Super Bowl will be renamed the Trump Bowl, and professional players must be called Trumpball Players. Anyone, on any level, who refuses to comply with Trump’s orders will be arrested and charged with being a threat to national security. The Department of Homeland Security, in partnership with the FBI, will monitor all phone calls, messages and social media to track down such offenders. Conversations inside homes and businesses will also be monitored using new advanced surveillance technology.

Trump has refused to attend the 2026 Super Bowl because it will be held in California, where “they’re anti-Trump.” He added, “It’s not normal that seven of the eight divisional finalists came from states that supposedly voted against me. Now that I’m in charge, only teams from red states will be allowed to advance in the playoffs.”

If you intend to read this article to friends or family, please do not do so out loud.

-David Wallechinsky

Trump to Stop Deportations If…

After the Los Angeles Dodgers won the 2025 World Series, President Donald Trump invited them to the White House. Many of their fans feared that the team, by accepting, would humiliate themselves and betray the team’s large Latino, Asian and African-American fan base.

But Dodgers controlling owner Mark Walter, along with co-owner Magic Johnson, have proposed a solution. Trump has promised that if he can keep the championship trophy, the Commissioner’s Trophy, he will end all seizures and deportations of immigrants. Many Dodgers fans are still wary because Trump is notorious for breaking his promises, and they fear that if Trump does stop the deportations, he will be punished by his domestic policy boss, Stephen Miller.

It is worth noting that the Dodgers’ roster includes immigrants from:

Japan (Shotei Ohtani, Yoshinobu Yamamoto, Roki Sasaki) Dodgers manager Dave Roberts was also born in Japan. His mother, Eiko, is Japanese.

Dominican Republic (Teoscar Hernández, Esteury Ruiz)

Venezuela (Edgardo Henriquez)

Cuba (Andy Pages)

South Korea (Hyeseong Kim)

Canada (Freddie Freeman was born in U.S. but has Canadian citizenship because his father is Canadian) By the way, the Dodgers have the same number of Canadians on their roster as the Toronto Blue Jays: one.

-David Wallechinsky

(part satire)

Trump Denounces World Series

U.S. president Donald Trump accused the Milwaukee Brewers of losing to the Los Angeles Dodgers on purpose, and the Seattle Mariners of purposely losing to the Toronto Blue Jays, so that the World Series would be contested between the two cities Trump hates the most.

As punishment, Trump said he would send the National Guard to Toronto and impose 50% tariffs on all Los Angeles products. AllGov reporter Sidney Finster suggested that perhaps Trump had confused the two cities. Because Toronto is in Canada, not the United States, Trump can’t send the National Guard there. And because Los Angeles is in the United States, Trump can’t impose tariffs on a U.S. city.

Trump defended his position by saying, “I’m always right.” He also called Finster a “Communist fascist Venezuelan Brazilian and a fake white person.”

-David Wallechinsky

(satire)

What If China Invaded the United States?

To better understand Donald Trump’s absurd position on Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, it is useful to imagine a similar situation.

Imagine that China’s dictator, Xi Jinping, sends one million Chinese troops to invade the United States. Fighting breaks out all over the U.S. as U.S. troops and civilians battle against the Chinese invaders. Hundreds of thousands, if not millions, are killed. Meanwhile, China has taken over Florida and declared it an overseas province of China, with Chinese nationals taking over control of the Florida government.

Ursula von der Leyen, the leader of the European Union, declares that the killing must stop and proposes that control in the United States should be frozen in place, leaving Xi Jinping and the Chinese government in complete control of Florida.

Von der Leyden proposes that she and Xi Jinping meet in North Korea and not invite the president of the United States to join them.

This is exactly what Donald Trump and his sycophants have proposed for Ukraine. Trump wants Vladimir Putin to retain control of part of Ukraine even though Russian troops invaded Ukraine without provocation. And Trump wants to make a deal with Putin without input from the Ukrainian government or the Ukrainian people.

If you were a U.S. citizen, would you agree to the Chinese takeover of Florida? If you were a Ukrainian citizen, would you agree to the Russian takeover of part of your country?

Here is a possible conclusion to the Russian war against Ukraine. Having made a huge blunder when he invaded Ukraine, Vladimir Putin needs to save face. So he gets to keep Crimea, the population of which is two-thirds Russian. In exchange, Putin pulls all Russian troops and civilians out of Ukraine and returns all the Ukrainian children the Russians kidnapped and moved to Russia.

-David Wallechinsky

Donald Trump Has a Mental Health Problem and It Has a Name

Donald Trump has a mental health condition known as narcissistic personality disorder.

Here are some of the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder as delineated by the Mayo Clinic and the American Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders:. (Keeping in mind that these symptoms are general and long-standing and not created to describe President Trump.)

React with rage or contempt and try to belittle other people to make themselves appear superior.

Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration.

Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are.

Expect special favors and expect other people to do what they want without questioning them.

Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.

Lack empathy: is unwilling or unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.

Take advantage of others to get what they want.

Have difficulty managing their emotions and behavior.

Insist on having the best of everything.

Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, humiliation and fear of being exposed as a failure.

Sound familiar? Let’s take a look at a few of these characteristics as they apply to Donald Trump.

React with rage or contempt and try to belittle other people to make themselves appear superior.

Donald Trump is so painfully insecure that he is obsessed with insulting others he perceives as more intelligent than he is or who just refuse to accept his imaginary vision of reality. Here are a few examples.

Barack Obama—“The most ignorant president in our history.” “He’s the founder of ISIS.”

Jeff Bezos—“Jeff Bozo.”

LeBron James—“Interviewed by the dumbest man on television, Don Lemon. He made Lebron look smart, which isn’t easy to do.”

Marco Rubio—“Perfect little puppet.”

Zohran Mamdani—“Communist lunatic.” “Total nut job.”

Some of the insults Trump hurls are so repetitive that it is clear they reflect his own sense of inadequacy. For example, Trump is afraid of being viewed as a loser, so he repeatedly refers to other people as losers. Here are a few examples:

Ted Cruz—“Loser.”

Karl Rove—“Total loser.”

Marco Rubio—“Big loser.”

Chuck Schumer—“Totally overrated loser.”

Fellow billionaire Tom Steyer— “A major loser.”

Another thing Trump fears is that he will be perceived as lacking in intelligence. His ego is particularly threatened by women who are smarter than he is. So…

Liz Cheney—“A very dumb individual.”

Hillary Clinton— “Very dumb.”

Kamala Harris—“Dumb. Extremely low IQ person.”

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez—“Dumb as a rock.”

Nancy Pelosi—“An inherently dumb person.”

Cokie Roberts—“Even dumber.”

But he also fears men who are more intelligent than he is. For example:

Lindsey Graham— “Dumb mouthpiece.”

Mitch McConnell—‘A dumb son of a bitch.”

One more indication of Trump’s insecurity is his fear of being thought of as weak. So he calls other people weak…

Colin Powell—“Weak.” “Highly overrated.”

Steve Kerr—“Weak and pathetic.”

Joe Manchin— “Weak and pathetic.”

Thomas Friedman—“Weak and pathetic.”

Paul D. Ryan—“Weak ineffective and stupid.”

Finally, some of his attacks are so revealing of himself that they are wince-making…

Hillary Clinton—“Pandering to the worst instincts in our society.”

Ted Cruz—“ Holds the Bible high and then misrepresents the facts.”

Peggy Noonan—“Plays right into the hands of the stupid people.”

Barck Obama—“Was always playing golf.”

Rand Paul—“Reminds me of a spoiled brat without a functioning brain.”

Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration.

This has been a problem for Trump throughout his life. As president he demands that Cabinet members and members of Congress constantly praise him in public. A Cabinet meeting televised live on April 30, 2025, is a perfect example. Cabinet members seemed to compete with each other to praise Trump.

Attorney General Pam Bondi: “Mr. President, your first 100 days has far exceeded that of any other presidency in this country ever, ever….Since you have been in office President Trump, your DOJ agencies have seized more than 22 million fentanyl pills….which saved, are you ready for this, media? 258 million lives.” Yes, in order to feed Donald Trump’s ego, the attorney general of the United States stated that each time one person takes one fentanyl pill, 11 people die.

Secretary of State Marco Rubio: “Mr. President, I think you deserve a lot of credit for…putting together a team not just of talented individuals, but that work well together, it's something never going to be reported on in the media or fully seen.” Earlier Rubio said of Trump, “He is a con artist. He runs on this idea he is fighting for the little guy, but he has spent his entire career sticking it to the little guy—his entire career.”

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth: “The men and women of America want to join the United States military led by President Donald Trump….Because of your leadership, sir, I believe we're making the military great again. I thank you.” Earlier, Hegseth had called Trump “An armchair tough guy,…He sought his own five military deferments.”

National Security Advisor Mike Waltz: “It's an honor to serve you in this administration, and I think the world is far better, far safer for it.” Waltz was fired the next day.

Director of the Central Intelligence Agency John Ratcliffe: “You and I both know Mr. President that you have had a profound positive impact on America's national security posture and Americans are safer because of your leadership.”

Secretary of the Treasury Scott Bessent: “It’s been a momentous 100 days with you at the helm….America First does not mean America alone. Under President Trump, it means leadership.”

Vice-President J.D. Vance: “You sit in the Oval Office and you see these portraits of presidents past [referring to, among others, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Franklin D. Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan]….Most of them have been placeholders…instead of men of action….Mr. President, it's been an honor to be part of it for the past 100 days.” Vance had previously told NPR, “I can’t stomach Trump. I think that he’s noxious and is leading the white working class to a very dark place.” Vance wrote an opinion piece in The New York Times entitled “Mr. Trump Is Unfit For Our Nation’s Highest Office.”

Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem: “With your leadership, Mr. President, I couldn't be more honored to serve….And the team that you have assembled is really an honor to serve with, so thank you, Mr. President.” Previously, Noem had criticized Trump for blocking Muslims from coming to the United States and said, “He is not my kind of Republican.”

Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard: “I just want to thank you. You have been a game changer…Thank you for what you're doing and every day we get to get up and do jobs that matter and we appreciate that….Mr. President, congratulations on this truly historic first 100 days of your administration. Really only made possible by your focused leadership.” Before becoming a Trump sycophant, Gabbard said, “Unlike Donald Trump, I will not turn our country into the prostitute of Saudi Arabia.”

Elon Musk: “A tremendous amount has been accomplished in the first 100 days….It's more than has been accomplished in any administration before ever. Period.”

Administrator of the Environmental Agency Lee Zeldin: “Every single day that President Trump is in this office, there will be a major environmental accomplishment….This is the 100th day of the most consequential historic first 100 days in the history of this country.”

Trump: “I thought this was an incredible cabinet meeting. I think there's probably has never been a cabinet meeting like this.”

No kidding.

Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are.

Trump once tweeted, “Throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart.” He added that being elected president “on my first try” should “qualify as not smart, but genius ... and a very stable genius at that!” After it was reported that Russian dictator Vladimir Putin had called Trump “a very bright and talented man,” Trump told a crowd in Iowa, “If Putin likes me and he thinks I’m a good, smart person, which you know, I hope he believes it--I am. Actually he’s right, I am brilliant. You know that right.”

Trump has obsessively bragged about passing a cognitive test, the Montreal Cognitive Assessment (MoCA), Actually, this test is not an intelligence test; it is just a standard 10-minute screening tool for dementia that includes drawing a clock, identifying common animals and repeating a string of words.

Raised by a rich and corrupt (and racist) father. Donald had an income of $200,000 a year (in today’s dollars)…at age three. He was a millionaire by age 8. According to an analysis by The New York Times, “By the time he was 17, his father had given him part ownership of a 52-unit apartment building. Soon after Mr. Trump graduated from college, he was receiving the equivalent of $1 million a year from his father. The money increased with the years, to more than $5 million annually in his 40s and 50s. In all, financial records reveal, Mr. Trump received the equivalent today of at least $413 million from his father’s real estate empire.

Trump has declared bankruptcy six times, once in 1991, three times in 1992, once in 2004 and once in 2009.

Expect special favors and expect other people to do what they want without questioning them.

Campaigning in Iowa in 2016, Trump bragged, “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters.”

In the notorious Access Hollywood tape, he said, “I'm automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do anything.”

Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.

Trump claims to have invented the phrase “America First.” He told Michael Scherer of The Atlantic. “Considering that I’m the one that developed ‘America First,’ and considering that the term wasn’t used until I came along, I think I’m the one that decides [what it means].” In reality, the phrase was used by U.S. presidents Woodrow Wilson and Warren Harding. More ominously, the Ku Klux Klan used the phrase as an anti-immigrant message. It was most widely popularized by the America First Committee, which was opposed to the United States fighting against the Nazis in World War II.

In order to please Donald Trump, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt claimed on Fox News’s Fox & Friends that Trump had come up with the phrase “Peace through Strength.” Setting aside that the concept goes back almost 2000 years, to the era of Roman Emperor Hadrian, the phrase also has a long history in the United States. It was the title of a 1953 biography about Bernard Baruch, who was an advisor to President Woodrow Wilson during World War I and President Franklin D. Roosevelt during World War II. It was used in Barry Goldwater’s presidential campaign in 1964, and it became a favorite motto of Ronald Reagan. But in true sycophantic manner, Leavitt said on television it was her boss who invented the motto.

Lacks empathy: is unwilling or unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

The most disturbing aspect of Trump’s mental illness is his shocking lack of empathy. There are so many examples that it is hard to know where to begin. Admitting that his trade war policies might hurt toy stores, Trump said, “Maybe the children will have two dolls instead of 30 dolls, you know. And maybe the two dolls will cost a couple of bucks more than they would normally.” This from a man who was a millionaire when he was eight years old.

Here’s Trump on how poor people deserve to be poor. ''My entire life, I've watched politicians bragging about how poor they are, how they came from nothing, how poor their parents and grandparents were. And I said to myself, if they can stay so poor for so many generations, maybe this isn't the kind of person we want to be electing to higher office. How smart can they be? They're morons.”

Disabled people? Serge Kovaleski is a journalist with arthrogryposis, a joint disability. After lying about something Kovaleski had said, Trump got a campaign crowd in South Carolina to laugh by mocking Kovaleski’s arm movements. Responding to criticism of his insensitivity to a disabled person, Trump lied again by saying he had never met Kovaleski.

Victims of natural disasters? When Trump visited the site of deadly flooding in Texas in July 2025, Marissa Arman, a CBS News Texas reporter, asked him, “Several families we have heard from are obviously upset because they say that those warnings, those alerts, didn’t go out in time, and they also say that people could have been saved. What do you say to those families?” Upset that this countered his narrative that everything was going well, Trump replied, “Only a very evil person would ask a question like that.”

Donald Trump is too erratic, too self-obsessed, too addicted to lying and too dangerous to ignore. When Trump accepted the Republican Party’s nomination for president in 2016, he said, “Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it.”

I’ve heard that claim before. When I wrote my book Tyrants: The World’s 20 Worst Living Dictators, I included this paragraph: “Most dictators try to gain the support of at least some of their citizens, either because they want to believe that they are really loved or because it is simply easier to rule a country if a substantial minority of the population actually does support you. Consequently, dictators use various ploys to gain the support, or at least the acquiescence, of their people. The most common ploy is the appeal to patriotism, whereby the dictator tries to equate love of country with devotion to its leader. For example, almost every dictator presents his citizens with a form of this argument: 1) ‘Our nation is being threatened by an outside force.’ 2) ‘Only I can protect our nation from this force and if you oppose me, you are opposing our nation and supporting the enemy.’”

I later added that dictators, to be thorough, warn against “domestic enemies,” who are helping “foreign enemies.” When Democrats refused to stand and applaud him when he gave his State of the Unition address in 2018, Trump called the Democrats “un-American.” He accused the press of being “the enemy of the American people.”

So what are we supposed to do about the fact that the United States is being ruled by a man with a serious mental illness disorder? I suggest mass, non-violent protests. In February 2025, I wrote a satirical piece suggesting that Trump Calls for Violent Street Demonstrations Against Himself in order to declare a national emergency and seize complete power. But soon this satire came to feel uncomfortably close to reality. So, non-violence, please.

-David Wallechinsky

Trump Goes on Renaming Frenzy

President Donald Trump, flushed with excitement about his attempt to rename the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America, and eager to erase the cultures of non-whites and other minorities, has issued a flurry of executive orders renaming places, businesses, scientific terms and even people.

According to Trump, from now on Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming will be known as Whitestone National Park.

The name of the state of New Mexico will be changed to New Germany in honor of Trump’s ethnic roots. Indiana (Land of the Indians) will become Caucasiana.

Trump told his reporters that now that English is the official language of the United States, he is renaming cities with Spanish language names, “particularly those that voted against me.” He ordered that San Antonio be changed to Saint Anthony, San Diego to Saint James, San Jose to Saint Joseph, San Francisco to Saint Francis, El Paso to The Pass, Las Vegas to The Meadows and Los Angeles to The Angels. Trump added that any city that does not comply will lose all federal funding. News outlets and schools that do not make the switches will be charged with endangering national security.

Trump also demanded that only citizens of the United States be called “Americans.” “People in other countries like Brazil, Argentina and other places down there should not be allowed to use the term ‘America.’ So from now on, what used to be South America will be known as South Continent.”

Turning to the world of science, Trump ordered that the term Homo sapiens be changed to Hetero sapiens.

In history books and on websites, the airplane from which the atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima will no longer be identified as the Enola Gay, but rather the Enola Straight.

Stanley Black and Decker is best known for its home tools, but it is also a major federal contractor. Trump threatened to cancel all government contracts with the company unless they changed their name to White and Decker, which they did immediately.

Trump also ordered billionaire Mark Cuban, who supported Kamala Harris in the 2024 election, to change his name to Mark American. If he does not do so, he will be charged with terrorism.

David Wallechinsky

(Satire)

For more information:

Trump Bans Use of Arabic Numerals by David Wallechinsky

Deportee (Plane Wreck at Los Gatos)

Trump Deports JD Vance and His Wife

In a move that stunned even some of his most ardent followers, President Donald Trump deported Vice-President JD Vance and his wife Usha Vance.

According to aides who were present when Trump discussed the issue, but who choose to remain anonymous for fear of retribution, Trump said he was sick of Vance and wanted to fire him. “I wanted him to be my attack dog,” said Trump, “but he appears foolish on television. He dropped the college football trophy. He met with Pope Francis and the next day the pope died. Vance is toxic, and I don’t want him to come near me. He just doesn’t look as good on television as I thought he would.”

Aides explained to Trump that even though he could fire almost anyone else, he couldn’t fire the vice-president because Vance was elected.

Annoyed, Trump said, “Then let’s deport him.”

Reminded that Vance is a U.S. citizen, Trump replied. “That’s perfect. When people find out that I’ve deported Vance, all American citizens will be afraid to cross me. This is great.”

One aide timidly pointed out that not looking good on TV was not a persuasive reason for deportation, Trump ordered them to, “Use his tattoos. He has so many, one of them is bound to be of a terrorist gang. If not, what’s the point of having AI if you can’t just make it look like he has one. Send him to El Salvador, and give what’s his name, the president there, some more money.”

Then Trump added that he wanted Vance’s wife, Usha, deported as well. “She’s a Muslim,” he insisted. Aides reminded Trump that Usha Vance was not a Muslim, but a Hindu.”

“Close enough,” said Trump. “She’s not a Christian, and she’s not even white. Send her back to where she came from.”

Aides explained that Usha Vance was born in California.

“Figures,” snarled Trump. Where are her parents from?”

India.

“Send her there,” ordered Trump.

JD Vance is now in the CECOT prison in El Salvador. Usha Vance is in a women’s prison in Lucknow, India. Their three children are with relatives in the United States.

David Wallechinsky

(satire)

Trump Offers to Return Alaska to Russia

In an attempt to end the war caused by Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, U.S. President Donald Trump has offered to return Alaska to Russia in exchange for Russia pulling its troops from Eastern Ukraine.

The United States purchased Alaska from Russia in 1867. Russian dictator Vladimir Putin said he would agree to the proposal if Trump also returned Fort Ross and the Russian River in California, Russia sold Fort Ross to Mexican citizen John Sutter in 1841. Delighted by the idea of getting rid of part of the state of California, Trump agreed. Greatly amused by Trump’s gullibility, Putin also agreed to the new treaty with the condition that Russian troops be allowed to stay in Ukraine. Again, Trump agreed, although a few of his advisors delicately explained to Trump that if the deal went through, Ukraine would gain nothing, while Putin would win everything.

“So what?” replied Trump.

“But the United States would also gain nothing,” ventured concerned aides.

Thump seemed befuddled until Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller suggested that such a deal would make Trump look like a “loser.” So the agreement is currently on hold.

David Wallechinsky

(satire)

Musk and Trump Fire Members of Congress

Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) sent messages to all members of Congress terminating their positions, stating “Your performance has not been adequate to justify further employment.”

After panicked Republicans contacted President Donald Trump, saying they were doing everything to do whatever Trump wanted, Musk sent out a corrected message. This one stated that the firings would only apply to those members of the House of Representatives and the Senate who voted against Trump’s proposed federal budget.

All Democratic and independent members of Congress, as well as two Republicans, found themselves locked out of their offices after everything inside had been confiscated. The Congress members and their entire staff were told that their salaries were immediately ended.

At a press gathering at which only pro-Trump members of the media were allowed to attend, one journalist asked if Trump supported these terminations. Trump forcefully answered, “Of course. One hundred percent. In fact, I want Elon to be even more aggressive in rooting out my opponents—I mean, slackers.”

Another journalist timidly pointed out that firing members of Congress was unconstitutional. Trump replied, “So what? Who’s going to stop me? The Democrats? They’re too weak. The military? My generals are now in charge. The Supreme Court? I have my six, and they already gave me immunity for anything I do as president.”

-David Wallechinsky

Trump Calls for Violent Street Demonstrations Against Himself

President Donald Trump has repeatedly expressed outrage to aides because there have been no violent mass street demonstrations against his statements and policies. He believes he needs violent demonstrations against him in order to declare a national state of emergency that would allow him to do anything he wants.

Trump ordered Secretary of Homeland Security Tulsi Gabbard, FBI Director Kash Patel and Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth to immediately find spies to infiltrate protest groups and cause them to commit violent acts. “If you can’t do this right now,” warned Trump, “you can go back to television and I’ll replace you will someone who can get the violence done.”

Trump suggested that undocumented immigrants with criminal records might be recruited for the job in exchange for staying in the United States.

-David Wallechinsky

For More Information:

A Guide to Emergency Powers and Their Use (Brennan Center for Justice)

Trump Changes Name of Republican Party

In a wide-ranging press conference in which he took no questions, Donald Trump announced that the official name of the Republican Party will be changed to the Trumpican Party. Said Trump, “Any politician who insists on continuing to call himself a Republican will be primaried or even worse.”

He also announced that at the first televised meeting of his cabinet, each cabinet member will be required to praise him. “It worked the first time in 2017 [start at 12:25], so we’ll do it again in 2025, except I want more personal praise of me and talk of complete loyalty. Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty.

“One more thing, those cabinet members and members of the Trumpican Party in Congress who have not appeared regularly on Fox News will be required to take a screen test. Those who fail will be required to take acting classes.”

Trump went on to remind Americans that God had chosen him as their savior. “You saw what I did with those fires in California. That’s what they get for voting against me. Other states that voted against me will also get hit by disasters, That includes New York, Illinois and little New York, you know, New Jersey. States that voted for me will be free of natural disasters as long as I’m president. So congratulations to Texas, Florida, Pennsylvania and all those other loyal states.”

-David Wallechinsky

For More Information:

Trump Announces Creation of New Religion: Trumpianity

The 2024 Election By the Numbers

I understand that most people don’t care about statistics, but please bear with me for a statistical view of how the U.S. government got to be what it is in 2025, because some of the results are surprising.

President

A majority of U.S. voters voted against Donald Trump. Yes, this is true. Trump’s popular vote margin over Kamala Harris was 1.47%. But because more than 2% of voters rejected both major-party candidates and cast their ballots for other candidates, Trump’s popular vote total dropped to 49.67%.

As a matter of fact, not once in the last nine presidential elections has a Republican candidate won at least 51% of popular vote. Yet they have won four of those nine elections anyway.

Here are the results:

1992: 37.45% Bob Dole (lost)

2000: 47.87% George W. Bush (won)

2004: 50.73% George W. Bush (won)

2008: 45.60% John McCain (lost)

2012: 47.15% Mitt Romney (lost)

2016: 45.93% Donald Trump (won)

2020: 46.80% Donald Trump (lost)

2024: 49.67% Donald Trump (to 48.20% for Harris) (won)

During this same period, Democratic candidates won more than 51% three times:

Barack Obama in 2008: 52.93%

Barack Obama in 2012: 51.06%

Joe Biden in 2020: 51.31%

Election statisticians have a category known as the Voter-Eligible Population (VEP). This includes citizens aged 18 and older. People not included are non-citizens and felons (depending on state disenfranchisement laws). In 2024, the number of VEPs totaled 244,666,890. The number of non-voters in 2024 was 89,039,336. I know that most people characterize these non-voters as lazy or apathetic. I am sure many of them are. However, most of the non-voters I have spoken with are not like that. They’re disillusioned by both the Republican and Democratic parties, and they feel their votes are meaningless. This is particularly true of those Americans who live in the 43 states that, because of the Electoral College, are not considered “battleground states.”

So the percentage of voting-eligible Americans who voted for Donald Trump was 31.59%. That’s right, more than two-thirds of voting-eligible Americans did not vote for Trump.

Senate

Now let’s look at the Senate. Voting for senators is staggered, with one-third elected every two years. To determine the popular vote by party, it is necessary to combine the votes for the past three elections. For the Senate, that means 2020, 2022 and 2024.

Again, Republican candidates won more votes than Democratic candidates, but in the case of the 100 senators, the margin was even closer than for the president. Republican candidates won 48.58% and Democratic candidates 48.46%. That’s a difference of one-eighth of one percent. Again, because of third-party and independent voters, most voters did not vote for Republican candidates. Yet despite winning fewer than 49% of the votes, they captured 53% of the Senate seats.

House of Representatives

Here, at last, is an instance of Republican candidates wining a majority of the votes. Of course it was only 50.55%, yet again less than 51%. What is more, in 2024 the Republicans actually lost seats, dropping from a margin of 222-213 to 220-215.

Supreme Court

In the Supreme Court, Republicans have a super-majority of 6-3. It is worth noting that five of those six were appointed by presidents who actually lost the popular vote. George W. Bush appointed John Roberts (2005) and Samuel Alito (2006). Donald Trump appointed Neil Gorsuch (2017), Brett Kavanaugh (2018) and Amy Coney Barrett (2020). According to multiple polls, only about 40% of Americans approve of the actions of the current Supreme Court.

Here are three particularly important 6-3 Supreme Court decisions in which the majority of justices who voted in favor had been appointed by presidents who took office despite losing the popular vote.

Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization overturned Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey, ruling that women have no constitutional right to abortion.

Trump v. United States ruled that presidents have absolute immunity from prosecution for all their official acts, and courts may not inquire into a president’s motives. In addition, a president is completely immune from prosecution involving discussions with Justice Department officials.

A case that garnered less attention is Snyder v. United States. The issue here was whether a winning state or local candidate who gives a campaign donor a contract should be charged with accepting a bribe. The Supreme Court ruled 6-3 that if the contract was awarded after the election, it was not a “bribe,” but a “gratuity” or a reward.

So, the majority of voters did not vote for Donald Trump for president; the majority of voters did not vote for Republican candidates for the Senate; and fewer than 51% of voters cast their ballots for Republican candidates for the House of Representatives.

I understand that in practical terms none of what I have presented matters because the Republican Party now controls the White House, both houses of Congress and the Supreme Court, no matter how that came to be. But still, I believe it is worth bearing in mind that a majority of U.S. citizens did not support the Republican winners.

-David Wallechinsky

Bashar al-Assad—The Fall of a Rabid AntiSemite

I included a chapter about Bashar al-Assad in my 2006 book Tyrants: The World's 20 Worst Living Dictators.

As politicians and pundits scramble to make sense of Assad’s sudden overthrow, here is an excerpt from my book worth keeping in mind:

“Bashar has been uncompromising in his anti-Semitism. When Pope John Paul II visited Damascus in May 2001, Bashar used his welcoming speech to denounce the Jews, saying, “They tried to kill the principles of all religions with the same mentality in which they betrayed Jesus Christ and the same way they tried to betray and kill the Prophet Muhammad.” At an Arab summit conference in Beirut in March 2002, he declared that all Israelis were legitimate targets for terrorist attacks.”

-David Wallechinsky

Dictator of the Month: Who is Syria’s Bashar al-Assad? By David Wallechinsky

Trump Announces He Will Switch Support from Russia to Ukraine

In a shocking announcement that stunned international observers, U.S. President-Elect Donald Trump revealed that, after speaking with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Trump will drop his previous support for the Russian invasion of Ukraine and begin supporting Ukraine instead.

“To begin with,” explained Trump, “I will give Ukraine a THAAD advanced missile system, just like we gave Israel. Biden helped Israel shoot down missiles from Iran, but refused to help Ukraine in the same way against Russia. I will do both. It’s good for business, creating profits and jobs for Lockheed Martin. We will also send Ukraine F-15 fighter jets, which is good for Boeing, and F-35 fighter jets, which will provide more profits and jobs for Lockheed Martin, Northrup Grumman and BAE Systems. We’ll also send the Ukrainians all the other stuff Zelenskyy asked for.”

In a conference call, journalists asked Zelenskyy how he convinced Trump to switch sides. “It was easy,” he replied. “I told him that if he gave us the weapons we need and stopped supporting Putin, we would let him build Trump-branded hotels and other Trump-branded buildings in Ukraine’s ten largest cities, as well as Trump golf courses in the countryside. He was quite excited.”

One journalist pointed out that some of these cities have been reduced to rubble by Russian bombing and need major rebuilding. Zelenskyy said this was not a problem. Trump will be given the choice of which companies will be in charge of reconstruction. Trump told Zelenskyy he will pass on responsibility for choosing the contractors to Elon Musk, who was on the call with Trump and Zelenskyy.

-David Wallechinsky

Americans are Unhappy with the Direction of the Country…What’s New?

A September 2024 Gallup poll asking Americans if they were satisfied or dissatisfied with the way things are going in the United States found 22% satisfied and 76% dissatisfied. Scanning headlines about these poll results, you might think that this was historically unusual. In fact, it has been more than 20 years since a majority of Americans said they were satisfied with the direction of their country, a period that covers the presidencies of two Republicans and two Democrats. The last time a majority were satisfied was the beginning of January 2004 (55%-43%), three weeks after the capture of Saddam Hussein. This euphoria wore off almost immediately.

Except for a brief period between January and March 2020, the satisfaction percentage hasn’t even topped 40% since July 2005.

Gallup first asked this question, in one form or another, in 1979. The response wasn’t always so negative. For example, a majority of Americans said they were satisfied between January 1998 and July 2001 and again, following the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, until June 2002.

Having said this, the most recent result of 22% satisfied is not unusually low. It dropped to 11% for January 4-15, 2021, during which time supporters of Donald Trump invaded the Capitol and tried to stop the counting of the Electoral College votes, a procedure which, until then, was looked at as a boring formality.

Nonetheless, the problem of widespread dissatisfaction goes much deeper than current events. The capture of Saddam Hussein may have excited Americans for a few weeks in 2004, but the killing of Osama bin Laden, just seven years later, only raised the satisfaction level four points (from 22% to 26%) and went back down immediately.

Again according to Gallup, the last time a majority of Americans had a favorable view of the Democratic Party was in August 2009. The Republicans? Except for one poll in January 2020, no majority favorable since April 2005. Because there are only two major parties, is it really surprising that there is such a sense of pessimism?

-David Wallechinsky

For More Information:

Satisfaction With the United States (Gallup)

Party Images (Gallup)

Don’t Like Clinton or Trump? Just Shut Up and Watch TV (by David Wallechinsky, AllGov)

Can Biden Murder Trump and Get Away With it?

Rumors are spreading that the U.S. Supreme Court will vote 5-4 to rule that a U.S. president cannot be prosecuted for anything he does while he is president. Some Democrats are suggesting that Joe Biden bring a gun to his first debate with Donald Trump. If he shoots Trump, he would be immune, but if Trump shoots Biden he would be prosecuted because he is not a sitting president. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said in a speech to a private right-wing audience that the immunity ruling should only apply to Donald Trump, while Justice Samuel Alito has gone further, proposing that immunity should apply to all Republican presidents, but not to Democratic presidents because Democrats are not true Americans.

The National Rifle Administration issued a statement that even if Biden is not immune, he should be acquitted of shooting Trump if Trump raises his voice during the debate, thus triggering a Stand Your Ground defense in Biden’s favor.

Ever since Trump told the same story three times during a campaign speech in New Hampshire, his campaign team has been afraid that their candidate would appear senile in a debate with Biden. So they welcomed the rumored immunity ruling as a good excuse to avoid facing Biden in a debate.

-David Wallechinsky

(satire)

Electoral Advice for the Democratic and Republican Parties

Please excuse me for reposting an article I originally wrote in January 2021, but the recent flurry of polls showing Donald Trump leading Joe Biden reminded me of the last paragraph of this piece. The recent polls show that Trump is just as unpopular as he was three years ago. The big difference is that Biden’s popularity has plunged. I feel the whole article is still relevant, but that last paragraph stands out.

The Democrats

On the surface, the 2020 elections were a great success for the Democratic Party. After all, they now control the White House and both houses of Congress. But not so fast. The last time that happened was after the 2008 election. What happened next? Just two years later, the Democrats lost control of the House of Representatives and didn’t regain a majority for another eight years. In 2014, they lost control of the Senate and in 2016 the White House as well.

The truth is that the 2020 elections were almost a complete disaster for the Democrats. If Donald Trump had not been such a weak and hapless candidate, the Democrats would have been wiped out across the board. The Democrats thought they had a chance to recapture the Senate with a clear majority. Instead they had to settle for a 50-50 split with Vice-President Kamala Harris as the tiebreaker. The Democrats thought they could expand their advantage in the House of Representatives. Instead their lead shrunk from 35 seats to 10. Gubernatorial elections?

Democratic candidates won only three of eleven states up for grabs. On a percentage basis, this was the worst Democratic performance in 100 years. Worst of all, despite having ten years to organize, they failed to flip a single state legislature, thus leaving the Republicans the power to create post-Census Congressional districts in 20 states with only seven for the Democrats.

There has been a lot of analyzing and finger-pointing about why the Democratic Party failed so miserably. But, for me, there are two statistics that stand out more than any other.

Of the 15 poorest states, based on median household income, Donald Trump won 14 and Joe Biden just one (New Mexico). Of the 14 states with the lowest median wage, Trump won 13 and Biden one (New Mexico again).

Here’s another statistic: Of the 18 states with the largest percentage of rural citizens, 15 voted for Trump. Why does this matter? Because those 15 states, despite accounting for barely 15% of the U.S. population, choose 30 of the 100 members of the U.S. Senate.

So what should Democrats do avoid another electoral disaster?

The simple answer is: Put money in people’s pockets? How?

1. Give everybody but the richest Americans a check or debit card for $1,000 every month. All those Americans who received a check for $1,250 as part of the pandemic relief were happy about it. The fact that this was peanuts in comparison to the billions that the super-rich received did not register with possible swing voters. $1,000 a month for each family member—voters will take notice.

2. Raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour. On November 3, voters in Florida voted for Donald Trump. But that same day, Floridians became the first citizens of a state to vote in favor of a $15 an hour minimum wage. Wealthy donors might object, but Americans who work for a living, or wish they could, would be grateful.

And the rural vote?

1. Provide more hospitals in all rural areas.

2. Ensure that high-speed internet is available to everyone.

3. Enforce antitrust legislation.

4. Give priority to helping family farms instead of providing tax breaks and aid for large agribusiness corporations, such as Tyson Foods, JBS and Cargill.

When he was running for president in 2008, Barack Obama promised to help family farmers. Instead he chose Tom Vilsack to be his Secretary of Agriculture. Vilsack spent eight years doing more to help agribusiness corporations than small farmers. For his Secretary of Agriculture, Joe Biden chose…Tom Vilsack. Goodbye rural vote.

The Republicans

Traditionally, meaning for the last several generations, Republicans were considered the party of the rich and the Democrats the party of everyone else. From a writer’s point-of-view, this made the Republican Party the more interesting one because you can’t win an election if only rich people vote for you. So, every two years, the Republicans have had to come up with a narrative to convince people who aren’t rich to vote for them. Sometimes that argument has been: “Sure we’re rich. If you want to become rich too, vote for Republican candidates.” Usually, though, the Republicans have created a reason why voters should be afraid of the Democrats. One year it might be, “Democrats are in favor of gay marriage.” Another year, “Democrats want to legalize marijuana.” Another year, “Democrats can’t be trusted to protect our country against our enemies” or “Democrats are soft on crime.” Or “Democrats are communists or socialists.”

I learned early about the “Socialist” slander when I was still in high school in 1964. Two classmates approached me. One said, “David, you’re a socialist.” The other added, “Of course David’s a socialist; he’s a Jew.” And they walked away laughing. I most definitely was not a socialist. So what had I done to earn this insult? I had said that African-Americans (then known as Negroes) deserved equal rights, including the right to vote.

In 2020, the Republican Party used all of the arguments listed above. But the Republicans have also learned another lesson: It really isn’t necessary to win over a majority of voters. In 2000 and 2016, most Americans voted for the Democratic candidate for president, but the second-place Republicans took over the White House anyway. Add together the votes cast for the current 100 members of the Senate and the Democrats again have the advantage, but the Republicans have half of the senators. As for the Supreme Court, this is the first time in U.S. history that a majority of the judges were approved by senators representing fewer than 50% of American voters. Who cares about winning over a majority of U.S. voters if you can get what you want without them?

So, if the Republicans want to increase their power, they need to make swing voters afraid of the Democrats, while at the same time limiting the number of Democrats who vote and weakening the power of those who do by gerrymandering the districts in the states they control.

One piece of advice for Republicans when it comes to demonizing Democrats: Stop attacking Medicare for All. Automatically accusing all Democrats of being socialists or communists or terrorists might work with Republican voters, but treating Medicare for All as something terrible could backfire. People on Medicare overwhelmingly like it and would be glad if Medicare could be extended to younger groups. Just as public opinion shifted on gay marriage and legalizing marijuana, the same could happen with Medicare for All.

Also, the Republicans have a surefire secret weapon. It’s called the Democratic Party. Given the chance to be in charge, the Democrats, because of corruption and incompetence, will eventually screw up. Since there is only one other major party, if the Republicans can just shut up, disgusted swing voters will turn to them to get rid of the Democrats.

-David Wallechinsky

U.S. Ambassador to Greece: Who is George Tsunis?

The first time George Tsunis was nominated to be a U.S ambassador, it did not go well. He had bundled $988,550 for Barack Obama’s 2012 presidential campaign. As a reward, Obama put him forward as the U.S. ambassador to Norway. Apparently though, Tsunis made no attempt to prepare for his confirmation hearing before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. He had never visited Norway and knew so little about the country that he referred to its prime minister as the nation’s “president.” His worst transgression came when he accused the Norwegian Progress Party of spewing “hatred” and inserting “fringe elements” into Norwegian politics. Tsunis was apparently unaware that the Progress Party was part of the ruling government coalition. Accused of being an “ambassadonor,” in December 2014, fifteen months after he was nominated, he withdrew.

But Tsunis had learned his lesson. He waited until another Democrat occupied the White House, and he tried again, this time to be the U.S. ambassador to Greece, a country with which he was more familiar. Playing it safe, Tsunis, in addition to donating to Democratic candidates, chipped in to help Republicans as well, including Rand Paul, John Barrasso and Jim Risch, all of them members of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, which approves ambassador nominees. Tsunis’ strategy worked. After President Joe Biden nominated him to be U.S. ambassador to Greece, he was confirmed by the U.S. Senate by voice vote on March 10, 2022. He presented his credentials in Greece two months later. Tsunis is the first non-career appointee to serve as ambassador to Greece in a century.

Tsunis contributed $50,000 to Republican John McCain’s 2008 presidential run before switching parties in November 2009 and becoming a major donor to Obama’s 2012 re-election run.

Tsunis is the chairman and CEO of Chartwell Hotels, which owns, develops and manages Hilton, Marriott and other hotels in eleven states.

Because of his business’s presence in northern Pennsylvania, Tsunis told The National Herald, the newspaper of the Greek diaspora, that he had taken advantage of the growth of natural gas fracking by “providing a lot of the picks and shovels for the Marcellus Shale.”

Tsunis’ father, James Tsunis, along with his cousin Charles, owned coffee shops and then developed the Bonwit Inn on Long Island in 1971, eventually investing in hotels and real estate.

Born in 1968, George James Tsunis earned a BA at New York University in 1989 and a JD at St. John’s University School of Law in 1992.

Tsunis’ first political work was as an aide to Sen. Alfonse D’Amato (R-New York), who served in the U.S. Senate from 1981 to 1999. In 1993, Tsunis ran a losing campaign as a GOP candidate for the Suffolk County Legislature, and in 1999 he was finance coordinator for Suffolk County Executive Robert Gaffney's re-election campaign.

After registering as a Democrat in 2009, Tsunis raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for Barack Obama’s 2012 campaign, donated $300,000 to Democratic super PACs and $75,800 to the Obama Victory Fund, according to the OpenSecrets. State records show that Tsunis and his wife, Olga, also gave $115,000 to New York Governor Andrew M. Cuomo’s 2014 re-election campaign.

As a practicing attorney, Tsunis was a partner at the law firm of Rivkin Radler LLP, which is Long Island’s largest law firm, practicing land use and zoning, real estate, corporate, municipal law and commercial litigation.

Tsunis has engaged in public service over the years, including as a legislative attorney for the New York City Council, special counsel to the Town of Huntington Environmental Open Space Committee, and as counsel to the Dix Hills Water District. He also made a $1.25 million gift to Stony Brook University for the creation of the George and Olga Tsunis Center in Hellenic Studies and The James and Eleni Tsunis Chair in Hellenic Studies, the latter in honor of Tsunis’ parents.

A member of the Archdiocesan Council of the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America, Tsunis is an archon of the Ecumenical Patriarchate (Order of Saint Andrew)—the highest ecclesiastical honor that can be bestowed upon a layman—and serves on its National Council.

Tsunis’ only foreign policy experience consists of memberships on the Brookings Institution Foreign Policy Leadership Committee and its Metropolitan Leadership Council, as well as on Business Executives for National Security.

George Tsunis has been married to his wife Olga (Antzoulis) since November 2004. They live in Lloyd Harbor, Long Island, with their three children.

-David Wallechinsky

George Tsunis Financial Disclosure Report, July 2020

Nominee for U.S. Ambassador to Norway Gives Up; Who Was George Tsunis? by Noel Brinkerhoff

Ambassador to Norway: Who Is George Tsunis? by Matt Bewig, AllGov