News and Verse

Wash Hands Before Leaving

2010-02-05T11:12:00.001-05:00

WASH HANDS BEFORE LEAVING

NEWSWIRE--A Toronto restaurant encourages patrons to "hook up" in its bathroom.

I'm puzzled by what to record in my journal
About our encounter last night at the urinal:
Whether porcelain skin warrants opus or ode
Or merely describes how they made the commode.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

In a Pig's Eye

2010-01-29T09:09:00.001-05:00

IN A PIG'S EYE

NEWSWIRE--Argentine president Cristina Fernandez says a better sex life comes from eating more pork.

If products porcine crack the code
For passion to awaken,
Then I'll need help to lug the load
When I bring home the bacon.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Closed Door Hearing

2010-01-05T09:14:00.001-05:00

CLOSED DOOR HEARING

NEWSWIRE--(Headline in NY Post) Q-Tip Heiress Casey Johnson Dead at 30.

Since cotton tip swabbing has proved to be vital
For wax buildup sufferers to hear us,
Then shouldn't that betterment alter a title
And make one not heiress, but earess?

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Sight For Sore Eyes

2009-11-13T08:17:00.000-05:00

SIGHT FOR SORE EYES

NEWSWIRE--A new study shows cataract surgery does not promote age-related eye disease.

My optometrist succeeded,
Though wearing glasses, I had fought,
When Preparation H, I needed,
But Compound W, I got.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Sinus Up

2009-10-20T11:26:00.001-04:00

SINUS UP

NEWSWIRE--Florida police officers say they failed to collect a bag of cocaine from a hotel room dresser after a training exercise for drug-sniffing dogs.

"The drugs have gone missing,"
One lawman reported.
"I bet we don't find them,"
Another one snorted.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Hip Replacement

2009-10-09T08:59:00.001-04:00

HIP REPLACEMENT

NEWSWIRE--After just nine months in office, President Barack Obama has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

While with feet barely wet
And new billions in debt
And accomplishments so few might trouble you,
The group with the prize
Said their choice, a surprise,
Boiled down to one fact: he's not W.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Somebody Bit on the Bay

2009-10-07T08:22:00.001-04:00

SOMEBODY BIT ON THE BAY

NEWSWIRE--South Florida is seeing a jump in the horse meat market, both legal, via butchers and restaurants, and illegal, through animals stolen and slaughtered.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Horses down south
Are made into stew.

Violets are blue,
Roses are red,
The bifteck du jour
Might be Mister Ed.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Mr. Ed

Bread Machine

2009-10-06T07:36:00.001-04:00

BREAD MACHINE

NEWSWIRE--Sarah Palin's new book "Going Rogue" became the #1 best seller at Amazon and Barnes and Noble just two days after it was announced.

That vocal tics, which some despise,
Have won her fans' complete affection,
Is proof that someone's polls can rise
From speaking with a yeast inflection.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Second Harvest

2009-09-28T09:05:00.002-04:00

SECOND HARVEST

NEWSWIRE--To celebrate national coffee day, one shop is serving $20 per cup coffee, made from coffee beans found in animal droppings.

Though you're eager to brew
Beans that I might eschew,
I pray you'll still scorn
Hunting peanuts and corn.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Brash Tax

2009-09-24T08:49:00.001-04:00

BRASH TAX

NEWSWIRE--Holding a yard sale could put you afoul of a new federal law which governs the sale of dangerous products. Penalties can reach $100,000.

I pay all my tolls and tariffs
On new goods, with check in hand.
Seeking more, the taxing sheriffs
Want their piece of secondhand.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Burnt Sienna Memories

2009-09-22T12:34:00.001-04:00

BURNT SIENNA MEMORIES

NEWSWIRE--The first vaccine for H1N1 in the U.S. will be administered in a nasal spray.

As I'm dosed from a hose
That gets jammed up my nose
So a virus has something to prey on,

I remember the fact
That the last item packed
In a similar way, was a crayon.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Morning Has Broken

2009-09-20T08:03:00.001-04:00

MORNING HAS BROKEN

NEWSWIRE--Top sleep researchers say humans sleep better without their spouses' company.

My day to sleep in was about to begin,
But it came to a sudden and bleak end;
My time on the dead side, cut short from the bedside,
When my wife's alarm rang on the weekend.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

One if Bifocal, Two if Bicuspid

2009-09-17T14:37:00.001-04:00

ONE IF BIFOCAL, TWO IF BICUSPID

NEWSWIRE--A blind woman has regained her sight after surgeons implanted one of her teeth in her eye as a base for a lens.

This pairing of the mouth and eye
Could benefit each day,
If I might make their link apply
To watching what I say.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Silicone Valley

2009-09-15T12:28:00.001-04:00

SILICONE VALLEY

NEWSWIRE--A new surgical breast-enlargement technique uses for a breast-implant, the patient's own excess fat.

To bulge her blouse and stretch her sweaters
An inch or two in double-letters,
The resource they'll employ is fitting:
That treasure trove on which she's sitting.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Roost Beef

2009-08-26T13:38:00.001-04:00

ROOST BEEF

NEWSWIRE--One of the largest freshman college classes in U.S. history is taking part in traditional fall "move-in" rites.

We're saddened, weepy and depressed,
While daughter wants to jump and whoop.
We dread the pending empty nest;
She's joyous, having flown the coop.

www.newsandverse.com

Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Void Where Prohibited

2009-08-06T08:06:00.001-04:00

VOID WHERE PROHIBITED

NEWSWIRE--A campaign in Brazil hopes to help the rain forest by reducing toilet flushes. The "Go Green: Go in the shower" effort encourages an additional function for shower water.

The plumber polished his techniques,
To unclog, weld or snake one,
As shower drains where he'd fixed leaks
Were now the place to take one.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Flesh Wound

2009-07-23T07:44:00.001-04:00

FLESH WOUND

NEWSWIRE--The Town Manager of Fort Myers Beach, Florida was fired after Town Council members learned his wife was a porn star.

His board sees no wrongs
In bikinis and thongs,
And, at Spring Break, they all know what goes on.
But the job he'd secured in
This town, strangely puritan,
Was revoked for a wife with no clothes on.

http://www.newsandverse.com/
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Purple Vow

2009-07-17T08:38:00.006-04:00

PURPLE VOW

NEWSWIRE--After one pet hippo, which escaped a Columbian drug lord's ranch, was hunted and killed, a court has ordered a second hippo spared.

I've never seen a hippo pet;
To death, the state decreed one.
But I can say, without regret,
I'd rather be the freed one.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Empty Channel

2009-06-18T07:26:00.000-04:00

EMPTY CHANNEL

NEWSWIRE--Patients undergoing colonoscopy are now given sixteen days worth of laxative on the day before their procedure.

When Wheel of Fortune's on TV,
I give a groan; my stomach growls.
I loathe Pat Sajak as emcee,
And Vanna White just moves her vowels.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

He's Got Yours Babe

2009-06-15T06:45:00.000-04:00

HE'S GOT YOURS BABE

NEWSWIRE--Chastity Bono, daughter of Sonny and Cher, has announced that she'll undergo a sex change operation.

With her girl's intuition, she took the position
That men had an unfair dominion.
So her team of physicians will craft an addition
To give her a second opinion.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Law of the Land

2009-06-04T06:04:00.000-04:00

LAW OF THE LAND

NEWSWIRE--Disaster officials fear that scores of empty, foreclosed-upon houses might become hazards during a hurricane.

The boom and bust in Sunbelt spots
Provides a lesson worth espousing:
It's how so many vacant lots
Turned into so much vacant housing.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Under the Big Stent

2009-06-03T06:00:00.001-04:00

UNDER THE BIG STENT

NEWSWIRE--Virginia officials have filed a lawsuit against Krispy Kreme doughnuts for grease damage to a sewer system.

Both heart doctors and engineers,
Have tried to warn us through the years
Of blockages they knew were coming
As all those doughnuts clog our plumbing.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Twice Shy

2009-05-29T06:07:00.001-04:00

TWICE SHY

NEWSWIRE--An instructor at the Connecticut Police Academy was arrested for biting a co-worker who had said, "Bite me."

Her choice of phrase could be mistook,
And proved to be the final straw
As someone took it by the book
And bit the wrong arm of the law.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Roses are Red, Toilets are Blew

2009-05-27T06:44:00.001-04:00

ROSES ARE RED, TOILETS ARE BLEW

NEWSWIRE--A man severely burned his behind when he exploded a portable toilet by lighting a match to find toilet paper.

He was holding his nose
As his searching began,
Which soon came to a close
With a flash in the can.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Prisoner of Love

2009-05-21T06:00:00.001-04:00

PRISONER OF LOVE

NEWSWIRE--A female deputy in Florida was fired after a romance with a male inmate.

If bad-boy dates are in your stars,
But your job is to confine them,
You ought to pick up men in bars,
Instead of one behind them.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines