News for Your Monday Muse

Vol. 1, No. 4: A sprinkling of the latest footlines. No more. No less.

2010-11-29T08:00:00.000-08:00

Tube StrikesYep. Again. For the fourth time in 3 months, give or take. I would complain, but this time I got ahead of the game. I just didn’t attempt to go to work and happily worked from home.

But here’s a statistic for your Monday Mind: Four years, six months and three weeks… that’s how long it’s been since the Tube last ran a full weekend service. [but let it be known that I avoid the tube at weekends based solely on the number of tourists that flog the place]

Alleged election fraud (i.e., our search for countries more corrupt than Somalia; Verdict, possibly Haiti?):
Haiti
Guinea
Egypt

Harry Potter has broken five box office recordsDeathly Gallows Part I took in £18.3m opening weekend
In comparison: James Bond Quantum of Solace took in £15.4m on its opening weekend.

Weight Watchers In its new PointsPlus system, fruits and steamed and raw vegetables will carry zero Points; the program will now calculate Points based on macronutrients such as proteins and carbohydrates instead of relying solely on calories, fat and fibre.

You mean, after all these years you’re finally going to admit that 18 points worth of twinkies isn’t healthy even if you can lose weight doing it?

DIY: Second-hand smoke kills 600,000 annually (http://www.cnn.com/)

Listen to the Sound of Silence, and by that I don’t mean Simon and Garfunkel. In a dash to be the #1 Christmas Single [which I’ve learnt is HUGE deal here in England], a group of music artists are getting together to record a special song in hopes of ousting the yet-to-be-determined winner of X-Factor [read: Simon Cowell’s factory-made superstar], who is favoured by bookies as the likely winner of the holiday season #1 chart single. Last year Rage Against the Machine beat X-factor winner for that coveted No. 1 spot [fitting isn’t it?].

The group consists of Imogen Heap, Billy Bragg, John McClure, Orbital, Pete Doherty, Cold Cut, John McClure, The Kooks, Heaven 17, and The Big Pink. These musicians will head to Dean Street Studios in Soho [London] today to record a tune they’re calling 4’33”. Their ballad is simply the sound of an orchestra not playing. As in, when the red light goes on in the studio, you won’t hear any instruments; you’re bound only to hear the sounds of talented musicians sitting in silence for 4 minutes, 33 seconds. And perhaps a sneeze, the shuffling of feet, the drop of a mallet. What you won’t hear is an X-factor megahit. But isn’t that the point?

The proceeds go to charity. Digg in!

Hygiene stickers to rate food outlets
86% say hygiene is more important than price and location. Hygiene stickers will soon be used to rate food outlets on a scale of 0-5, which will be displayed at the restaurant.

So, does that mean if the food tastes good, forget the hygiene? And can we get a breakdown of this 0-5 business? I need to know at what point it's considered allowable to not wash your hands before touching my food.

A Penny for Your LooksA plumber was so fed up with parking fines that he paid the latest one in pennies... That is, 3,500 pennies dumped on the desk at the fine office.

I wouldn’t mind as long as it was the hot plumber, soon to be Mr. Britain from NFYMM Vol 1, No 2!

Celebrity Obits
Leslie Nielson dead at the age of 84. He is best known for his roles in Naked Gun and Airplane. A few highlights to up the humour index:

AirplaneLeslie Nielson as Dr. Rumack: Can you fly this plane and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Dr. R: I am serious and don't call me Shirley!

Dr R: This woman has to be gotten to a hospital!
Stewardess Elaine: A hospital? What is it?
Dr R: It's a big building with patients--but that's not important right now.

{makes me want to watch airplane again}

Naked Gun Ed: You might end up dead
Leslie Nielson as Frank: You might end up dead is my middle name!
Ed: What about Jane?
Frank: I don't know her middle name.

Boy band versus girl band gone bad.Father of three sisters in a girl band has been jailed for assaulting a member of a rival boy band. I couldn’t be bothered to actually list the band names, as knowing that might make the story less interesting.

Chirp, chirp, chirpIf you follow cricket, which you don't, you might be aware of The Ashes--a test match between England and Australia taking place now. Each of the five “test” matches lasts up to five days. That’s right, a sporting event that can last up to 25 days!

(you might remember the bloke who has bet £250,000 that England will win…)

The five match series began lasat week and the first match ended in a draw (odds in favour of the bookies?)
If you know 15-year-old Ashley Kerekes from Massachusetts, which you don’t, you may know that she tweets @theashes. Because she’s much like you, she also doesn’t follow cricket, nor was she aware of The Ashes until she went from 300 followers to over 7,000 followers on Twitter in just a few days (which has nearly doubled to 13,000 in the last few days). Annoyed, she tweeted, “I’m not a cricket match!”

Her tweet got so much acclaim that she is now selling T-shirts with her infamous tweet. But that’s not all. The cricket organisers are hoping to fly her out to Australia for the second test match so that she can watch the game live from the press box. It was yet known whether she’d take them up on the offer—after all she’s not a cricket game. She is now tweeting like a cricketeer from down under—and who wouldn’t after all the press and the free ride. I’d take it.

November Weather UpdateLast November: wettest on record
This November: coldest in past 25 years with temps as low as -12c (10.4 F)
Next November: wettest on record
... do you see the pattern?

Get Involved: World Book Night. 5 March 2010. 20,000 people will give away 1,000,000 books (that’s 48 each plus 40,000 to be given away by the organisers to people unlikely able to attend the event in person). http://www.worldbooknight.org/. But you have to apply for the opportunity to give away the books.

Fact: Britain ranks No. 18 out of 21 on the latest list of family friendly nations.

Life on earth[s]?Yale scientists estimate that there could be trillions of earth-like planets in the universe that support life. From other news sources: Life forms have been found living on arsenic, proving that life forms could exist on planets that are not earth-like.

In the sun he melted.Woman dials 999 to report that someone had nicked her snowman from her front yard. The police responded by reminding her she dialled an emergency number and they didn't appreciate the time she was wasting. She was miffed because she had used pound coins for eyes and silverware for arms and other facial features. After not having been able to check on him for what she reported was over 5 hours, she went outside to find that he had been in fact stolen (appendages included). Did she consider the lives she put at risk when people with life-threatening emergencies were potentially unable to reach the emergency helpline? Award: idiot of the week.

Vol. 1, No. 3 - SPECIAL EDITION: WILLS & KATE GETTING MARRIED

2010-11-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

Yes, you read it right. Special Edition. As the last news source to announce the engagement, I offer you many more details than the first.

What can I say that hasn't already been said? Not much to be honest, but I can give you a full synopsis as I've read not only the authoritative sources on the subject, but the unauthorised and unsolicited as well. In fact, that's about all I did for the first 47 hours after the announcement of the engagement of Prince William of Wales to Miss Kate Middleton of the upper middle class.

So today's news for your Monday Muse is dedicated to the royal couple as, quite frankly, I couldn't spend even a second reading any unrelated copy (and let's be honest, there wasn't much else written/reported/spoken in those 47 hours anyway).

Lords and Ladies (that's the royal equivalent of a Lady, right? Or was it Knight?), I now submit my unabashed news feed, which is perhaps even happier news than 29 July 1981 when Lady Diana Spencer married Prince Charles in St. Paul's Cathedral. She was 20, and a vast 13 years his younger. In contrast, Wills and Kate are both 28.

Bells will be ringing
And on that note, let's start with the ring. You may have already heard it's none other than the engagement ring of his mother, the people's princess. I find it fitting that the ring will live on in the new life blood of the royal family. Some have quipped that the ring represents a bad marriage and an even worse ending. However, Wills himself has stated that the ring is a way for his Mother to be a part of the joyful occasion. Isn't that lovely?

Who/What/When/Where/Why
Kate and Wills
   Getting married
      Friday, April 29
         Westminster Abbey
            To make right all that is wrong in the world.
            To bring hope to the masses
            To give us all an additional BANK HOLIDAY--woot, woot!
            To make every Disney story come true
            To end this speculation on when Wills is going to pop question
            To dash the hopes of every girl who ever fancied Wills
            To bring us another people's princess
         Not at Saint Paul's
      Not in the summer... because the Spring is sooner
   Not a marriage to bring an alliance with a foreign power's royalty or crown another aristocrat
Not Charles and Diana repeat

Fact: Ladbrokes betting agent is offering 1000-1 wager that Middleton will wear a track suit to her wedding.

Of Titles and Such
Kate will likely receive a title from the Queen at the marriage ceremony. If she doesn't receive one, she'll be known first as Princess William of Wales. Hopefully they give her a real title... Such as Duchess or Princess Catherine of ANYWHERE. But we can at least look forward to the day she becomes Her Royal Highness Queen Catherine. Your Majesty. Or just Ma'am, which is also acceptable. She will be the 6th Queen Catherine.

Dates
First Date: Unknown as the press was not allowed to
2001: Met at University of Edinburgh, Scotland
2002: Infamous Ski Trip where the couple were outed by the Press: commence a life of being photographed for Kate
2006: First speculation of an engagement of the couple
2007 Summer: Break-up
2007 Nov: Kate quits her job as a fashion buyer for Jigsaw in London
2007 ???: Kate and Wills are back on.
2008-2009: Kate is present for many royal functions, an indication that she's got her IN to the Royal Family
22 Oct 2010: William proposes to Kate in Kenya (on the property of Jecca Craig, an old FLAME of Wills... they're still friends)
16 Nov 2010: Announcement of engagement to the WORLD
22 Apr 2011: Wedding Date (it's interesting to note that on that date, Kate will be 29 and Wills will be 28...)

Heart Throb:
It was confirmed that she didn't have a picture of William on her bedroom wall/ceiling/floor, but rather a picture of the Levi's model.

Proposal:
The couple took a three-week holiday with some friends to Kenya. In case you're picturing the bush, don't. They had special access to property owned by a family friend and were at no time subject to any part of Kenyan culture or civilization. Basically, Wills took Kate by helicopter to a remote place overlooking the Lewa Wildlife Conservancy where he proposed to her during their 24-hour stay in a fire-heated hut (ok, they had a personal chef and butler). She said yes (who wouldn't??).

Wills had carried the ring around for 3 solid weeks in his ruck sack. He said he knew that if the ring went missing that he would be in big trouble. He later said in the same interview that if Kate ever lost the ring, she would also be in big trouble.

Back to the engagement. I think it is interesting to note that Queen Elizabeth II was in nearly the same place in Kenya when she found out that her father had passed away on 6 Feb 1952, and that she would succeed the throne and become Queen of England. It's also interesting to note that Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip were also married in Westminster Abbey. I think Prince William is sending a message about his pending marriage--he wants it to last. He is marrying a girl who has a strong family background, is not an aristocrat, whose parents are still happily married. He is clearly following in the footsteps of his grandparents. Princess Diana's parents divorced when she was young and from the footage of her engagement to Prince Charles, they were marrying for the sake of being married to each other.

Places:
Bucklebury, Berkshire = where Kate grew up and where her family still lives
Edinburgh = okay, if you don't know what happened here, you have skipped some paragraphs above
Kenya = where Wills proposed
Wales = where the couple will live once married

What's the story, morning glory?
The happy couple met at University--St. Andrews in Edinburgh--in 2001. They were in the same course and ended up being flatmates for four years. After the first year they started dating. The press was under an agreement not to pester the prince while he was at University. So, in effect, he (and Kate) had four years of press free life to live. And live it up they did! It was reported that they spent many weekends in some royal castle/palace getting to know each other. I found it interesting to note that they have lived together for quite a few years now--even after Uni. Although, that's not a surprise coming from someone who is soon to be head of the Church of England. After all, we wouldn't have a "Church of England" if it weren't for King Henry VIII and his desire to divorce Catherine...

Quote of the day: "It'll only last 7 years" - some Bishop of the Church of England on his facebook page.

And in the 48th hour, what did I miss?
Wills saves life of man 3000 ft stuck in storm on mountain 48 hours after engagement announced.

And what American TV did we miss?
Anne Hathaway played Kate Middleton in an SNL skit this past week. The 28 year-old Kate is abused by a cockney Queen and crass Prince Philip once Will leaves room. The Duke advises her to be Diana in public and Fergie in the bedroom...

Vol. 1, No. 2 - Old News is better than No Muse

2010-11-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

In unrelated jibber-jabber before I get to the real news, I submit my list of three things that cured my Monday Blues in no particular order:

Didn't go to work. Yep. Woke up to my alarm, rolled over and said eff it. I'm claiming back my day. And I've hung out all day mostly writing and eating hummus and red lentil dip.
Got a series of emails from Jeff about the infamous Jae-Ho. So, I can now say I'm an appreciator of Jae-Ho, the crazy Korean.
Went grocery shopping in the middle of the afternoon and purchased a Fru Passion Fruit Pot, WHICH WAS AMAZING.

Now, for your news briefing, which I must admit doesn't contain much recent news as I haven't been commuting to and from work since last Wednesday. But, have no fear, I have a plethora of Metros and Evening Standards stacked up next to my bedside table for emergencies such as this.

Five Bishops Defect from the Anglican Church to the Vatican.
Three serving bishops and two retired bishops decided to enter "full communion" with the Catholic Church. It follows the Church of England's decision to press ahead with the ordination of women bishops. My question? Why was this the first time they questioned the validity of the Church of England? Didn't they see anything wrong with King Henry VIII divorce of Catherine to marry Anne Boleyn and the subsequent beheading of Sir Thomas Moore as reason enough? Slightly confusing... I almost feel like they are more interested in keeping women subservient to men than they are about keeping the law of chastity or following the commandment not to kill.

Cable Cars over River Thames will provide a Highway to the East
The stats:
10 passengers per car
34 cars
2500 passengers per hour
50 m above the River Thames
85m high towers on each end
£2.50 one way with oyster card
£3.50 single fair

Destination: 02 arena near Greenwich and royal docks
Deadline: Hopes to be operating by 2012 (perhaps in time for the Olympics)
Fact: Gondolas are said to be the most reliable form of public transit in the world

Quote
"Expunging hate speech from the internet is like trying to serve soup with a tennis racket"

US and India will form defining partnership of the century
This consists of a series of commercial deals in agriculture, health, and energy. That's about all you need to know. But it could be relevant to note that India forms part of the BRIC economies (Brazil, Russia, India, China) which are predicted to be the next major world economies.

The acronym has come into widespread use as a symbol of the shift in global economic power away from the developed G7 economies toward the developing world. In other words, watch out western world, your power trip is almost over. By 2050, these four countries are expected to "eclipse" the combined economies of the world's richest economies. BRIC currently accounts for 40% of the world's population--ie, about 3 billion peeps. It may also be worthy to note that these predictions came from Goldman Sachs, initially in 2001. And Goldman Sachs, in my opinion, caused the credit crisis. And continues to manipulate the Federal Reserve and US Treasury. So, in light of this, please watch this SNL clip, which may or may not be a quip on Goldman Sachs:

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2007/global-century-p1.php

Facebook fit for a Queen

QE2 unveiled her Facebook page last week and received 100,000 supporters in the first day. And a few non-supporters who 'liked' her page long enough to add their anti-royalist slander ... They're better known in this country as Republicans. You cam find a spoof page fully adorned with photo-shopped images of her majesty in football jerseys and even a McDonald's uniform.

In other news, hackers brought down the royal navy website the same day... Perhaps the webmaster was too busy working on the Queen's facebook profile to prevent the attack...Only the MI5 can know the truth.

More NHS BS

Hospital death inquiry begins. A public inquiry into the failings of the Stafford Hospital between 2005-2008 that saw hundreds of people die needlessly will seek to find out why the system tolerated 'clearly unacceptable standards'. Hmmm, I might be able to answer that before you spend more of the taxpayers monies

7/7 London Tube Bombing Inquest: Lessons Learned
I've been reading the updates into this investigation and must say that it's been a very somber experience. On a serious note, I think it's important to support these types of investigations and allow yourself to be personally impacted by the hell that so many people encountered on that day when it could have been anyone. I applaud the Metro and Standard for keeping reality real.

On a Lighter Note
See second attachment for a plumber turned "Britain's Hottest Man" and learn why he's not giving up on his plumbing dreams just yet.

Mile-high Rap
It was reported that Kanye West hijacked the in-flight PA system and rapped (censored versions of his songs) to the passengers for 30 minutes while flying from NYC to Minnesota. I'm taking odds that he sang "Don't Look Down" ... or was it "I wanna be Edward Cullen?"

And Finally, METROSCOPE
Sign of the week: Capricorn
Investments into the home are encourages, and any doubts you have concerning choices and figures may well link more to your keeping up with the Jones' attitude than common sense, so try to ensure clarity reigns.

Hope you've all had a survivable Monday. It's been a pleasure informing you on the latest news of The City.

Over and out. A.

Vol. 1, No. 1 - From London, With Love

2010-11-08T08:00:00.000-08:00

Something you should definitely capitalise on in December
Covent Garden Mistletoe promise: you'll SEE sparks this Kissmas Season. Apparently from November 11 (conveniently staring on my birthday), mistletoe will be hanging in Covent Garden that triggers a lighting sequence of 50,000 white and red LEDs and 100 strobe lights that will dance across the piazza's 50 ft Christmas Tree. (See, I knew there was a reason I wanted a fake boyfriend for Christmas)... Merry Kissmas everyone.

Taking it back to our Roots
127 Hours, the flick about Aron Rolston's hike through Canyonlands National Park in Utah that left him no choice but to cut off his own arm with a dull swiss army knife, is part of the BFT London Film Festival. .

Mostly just for Jeff:
Tagline: Alcohol 'more harmful to society' than heroin.
Score: 72/100
Cited based on the drug's capacity to kill, its addictiveness, effect on mental functions, what material loss it causes, injuries stemming from use and its power to end relationships.
(However, the hot drug meow meow only scored a low 15/100...is this suggesting a dose of meow meow is good for relationships?)

Get Rich Quick Tips
Short on cash? Sell your identity. One British man did to help pay for his dad's hip replacement surgery. Where was the NHS on that one? It was reported that he was offered £1000 for his passport number and birth certificate.

Notable headline:
"Get yourself on fertile ground. Predicting early menopause." A sister article on the same page also suggested freezing your ovaries for use well into your forties...

Movember Madness
It's Movember. For one month, only men across the world will be doing their level best to resemble 70s American cops by sporting a 'stache to support the fight against prostate cancer.

Stat of the Week:
Number of inmates in British prisons: 70,000 (new legislation will allow them to vote for the first time)

And you thought Britain's red tape only affected the working class?
So, to preface, in case you weren't aware, bombs were found on two flights this past week (one that landed in England's Midlands and one that landed in Dubai--note that the flights landed before the bombs were found, and that the bombs didn't go off...).

Here's what went down:

Headline: Cameron was 11 hours in the dark over bomb.

He found out at 2 pm during his afternoon tea (I added that "fact" for dramatic effect). The bomb was found in east midlands airport and in Dubai--after being sent from Yemen. Obama was briefed within 5 minutes of the bomb being found at 3.30 am.

Furthermore, there has been a temporary ban on toner cartridges from Yemen and Somalia.

Why toner cartridges? That's what the terrorists used to transport the highly explosive PETN. 50 grams could blow up a plane. 400g was found in the package, 5 times what was found in Detroit plane last Christmas (remember the underwear bomber who was quite unsuccessful? I do. I woke up Christmas morning having a panic attack after a dream that a plane was on fire over the London sky, only to read the news to find that it had happened... talk about CREEPY).

Why Somalia? Well, it's not quite clear. Your guess is as good as mine if you guessed that it's an easy out for the government to start placing blame all around. Somalia was recently rated the most corrupt country, so it just makes sense to single them out with Yemen, which was the actual country that sent the bombs. Nevermind the fact that most of Somalian corruption happens in the form of pirate attacks on the sea. Nevermind that they didn't send the bombs. Just remember that their corruption is enough to convict and blame them.

FYI: In case nobody talks about this, I'll brief you
Margaret Thatcher has been released after a two stay in the hospital with flu like infection.

Another reason to call in sick
Women work rest of year for free according to wage studies that show women work for an average of 16.9% less than men. Men will have earned a much by 1 Movember as it will take a woman to earn for the rest of the year.

Disclaimer
Well folks, that's all I have time to write today. I feel like I've shortchanged you all... So many other things to report... but this will have to wait for another edition.