NEWS GUFF

Madeleine: 'We Can't Let Go"

2014-03-19T22:15:00.000+00:00

Madeleine McCann,
abductamurdered in 2007.

A fresh suspect in the Madeleine McCann disappearance has sent ripples running through Fleet Street with journalists both fearing and hoping for a resolution to this seven year itch. The information comes amid increasingly agitated feelings towards the story from both a weary public and a tired media who are both looking for a chance to move on.

"Children throughout the Algarve."

Earlier today Portuguese Police released details about a suspect wanted in connection with a number of sexual assaults on children throughout the Algarve between the period of 2004 and 2010 that could theoretically link him with Maddy's abduction.

"We can't let go," claimed News Guff Editor-in-Chief Shaky Parkinson, "This story has gone on long enough and we need closure. The sheer costs of monitoring this story over the years is astronomical. The crews, the flights, the takeout, the astronauts and the hotel bills for our man on the ground are sky rocketing. Hey that's a good one leave it in."

"Back in 2007 everyone on the strip thought that a body would turn up within a fortnight, or they'd at least lock up the parents, but one thing lead to another and we've all been landed with a story that won't end and if today's breakthrough doesn't result in a conviction we could be hearing about this child for decades. Perhaps if we'd got out early we could've limited the damage but the papers were selling and we egged on the hysteria so much that we were duty bound to see it through until the end. Let's just hope it comes sooner rather than never."

"He's good."

Portuguese authorities were led to the lead (he's good) after CCTV footage was unearthed of their previous suspect buying a hammock at the time of the attacks. Inspector Pratzo of the Royal Portuguese Policing and Dredging Authority (RPPDA) claimed that this new suspect, "Could've been responsible for Maddy's attack, but it really depends on your definition of could've. And attack."

Various eye witness accounts from across Southern Portugal paint a vivid picture of the perp with the Mother of one Victim describing him as, "Clothed. Foreign, but with a good broken grasp of English. White, but black, you know, sort of in the middle. One of those. They had hair, probably eyes and unless they were using a really good prosthetic like in that film, they had four limbs and may or may not have been a man. You can't really tell these days what with all the fashion."

"Sexually assaulted a number."

"It's all very confusing," continued Inspector Pratzo, "After the British press got involved, dubbed us all a bunch of Clouseau's and pedestalled the parents our investigation went up shit creek. This new suspect is just one in a long line of people we need to talk to in regards to widening our search for further enquiries. That and he also sexually assaulted a number of young British girls that weren't Madeleine McCann."

"Our eye-witness accounts are blurry. From the description of the attackers clothing we could take it that the suspect may have been in the grip of a superhero delusion and have in fact scared away the real attacker before he could abduct the children and landed himself in a hero's twoddle. This could then possibly hypothetically mean that this other suspect could have stolen Maddy. Then again our suspect hasn't committed a crime in over three years which leads us to Believe and this Believe could have been responsible for his significant life change. Although now he has stopped committing crimes it will make it far trickier to catch him and even harder to locate Madeleine's missing corpse body."

Costume worn by possible
superhero 'The Hole'.

"We believe the attacker followed a pattern that involved, breaking, entering and attacking, although he displayed no signs of kidnapping or murder which markedly sets him apart from the McCann incident. In regards to Maddy's abduction beating nothing is what it seems. Quite frankly we've thrown the box out of the window on this one, but it keeps the money coming in."

"Germany and the Netherlands sparking."

In a bid to get the case moving towards a much needed conclusion the press have dubbed the attacker 'Paedo X' and a special episode of Crimewatch has been broadcast in Germany and the Netherlands sparking over 5,000 calls, "Some of which may have been possibly useful," cited Pratzo, "although that depends very heavily on your definition of useful."

Shaky Parkinson was vocal on the subject, "It's all trumped up gibberish. I blame the myself and the shareholders, they're usually at fault. I mean bloody hell, the poor child's spent more of her life as a news item than she has living it. I wonder what her royalties are worth? Surely we can all move on and pass this dreadful story onto the film companies, the press has done its turn."

Maddy's possible maker's.

"If things don't end soon, we'll be forced into a tricky situation. Personally I'm thinking of taking it down the Satanic route, inject a bit of vim into the mix. Bring in some slutty vampires or something. Yes, I like that. I'll take another glance at the brainstorming chart but let's face it, we're onto something. Either that or we'll just drum up a hate campaign and blame the parents. Let's face it, they're as guilty as sin. Not my words."

"New lead will take us somewhere."

When asked to comment on the news Gerry McCann stated, "Maddy's alive and all that and the fund has done a lot, the windows, the kitchen, the patio and you should see our games room. We just hope this new lead will take us somewhere. You know I'm constantly under suspicion and these accusations can be hurtful so I just ignore these people. I'm very neglectful."

Flame Dies For Olympic Enthusiasm

2013-10-07T15:00:00.002+01:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Flame Off.

A typically Russian Olympic torch relay began this morning in Moscow where the flame started its 40,000 mile journey to the town of Sochi in time for the Winter Games in February. The flame is set to travel across the Arctic Ocean, underwater and be blasted into space in one of the most pretentious administrative tasks in history.

Barely a mile from the podium and trouble set in when former swimming champion Shavarsh Karapetyan was dismayed to find that the flame had jumped ship while still in sight of the Kremlin wall. "Probably doesn't dig the cold," he chuckled as a Security Guard tried desperately to reignite Russia's hopes of a gloriously impressive opening ceremony.

"I can't see."

"Surely that counts as a loss?" stated renowned Olympic hater Shaky Parkinson, "I'm not an expert, especially when it comes to people running around in circles, but I do know that when a flame is extinguished and needs to be relit then you are dealing with a different flame just the same gas source and container and I'm pretty sure those rolled off a production line a few months back so I can't see how any form of tradition or ceremony can really be kept alive with this farce."

He continued, "You honestly think that they've kept a flame alive since 1936, with these gas prices? What does it say when you're on your understudy after three hundred metres? This is just another example of how the Olympics is a pretentious load of twaddle. The Olympics is hardly Wimbledon or the Tour De France, neither of these events dick around with 123 day televised warm up jog and they are much cooler."

"It sputtered."

Vladimir Putin and onlookers.

Despite the problems, and the cold weather tens of mistakenly dressed individuals eagerly lined the streets around the Kremlin for a brief glimpse of the flame as it sputtered its way from the stage. With many people offering up their thoughts of the event;

"We gave it a good run and in all fairness Karapetyan was looked a tad tired already. Probably best it's over. Should save us a few bob," noted one spectator.

"My Olympic dream is dead," sighed another.

"Just goes to show you," commented a third.

"This is a PR disaster," was overheard behind the stage.

"I thought it was brilliant," continued Shaky Parkinson, "It was the most human and honest thing I have seen in months."

It is hoped that the torch relay will continue on its journey unimpeded and without incident as the organisers look towards the heavens and shiver.

Staff Memo: Absenteeism

2013-08-12T11:56:00.000+01:00

Dear All,

The less said about last nights unpleasantries the better, but when your Editor In Chief decides to skive off work for the week to go see a Barbara Streisand concert he does not enjoy the sight of his entire workforce sobbing their hearts out to 'Woman In Love'. Further dissatisfaction arises when he was under the impression that at said time they were half way across the city touring our premises with a group of Japanese business investors. All told I can't help but suffer some misgivings as to your combined work ethic.

Admittedly we're all in the same boat of confusion with regards to their motives, but cash is cash and Goodgame says that according to the computer stats we're shit hot on the Tokyo scene. Regardless, I still expect my employees, nay, five British citizens (You've been here thirty nine years Robbins, you can't keep claiming Cuban citizenship because of a flight delay) to offer up our guests a modicum of respect and hospitality.

Not only were these gentlemen left alone to wander through the stricken remnants of film night but due to a certain someone leaving the front doors open they also had to content with a ransacked newsroom and a vicious gang of scrap metal dealers who 'inadvertently' stabbed the translator with a fax machine circuit board.

I won't lie, I'm furious, but what really hurts, what really inches the knife further and further into my spine is the fact that after months of suggestions I was excluded from the first film night hooker night cross over. Unbelievable. And don't pretend it didn't happen because Douglas tagged me in an image of Chris getting a blowy from a saucy brunette while watching The Big Lebowski.

Until the building is fully restored to its former glory and someone can properly investigate the whereabouts of the chandelier you're all pulling double shifts. Consider this a pre-punsihment until I can think of something more befitting a group of inhospitable layabouts such as yourselves. Think the Douglas cleaning debacle only worse.

Now if you'll excuse me I've got a crushing headache to contend with, no thanks to yourselves and will probably be off sick for a few days. While I'm gone I don't want any shenanigans and I already checked, the chandelier hasn't been sold to the O2 so try looking elsewhere.

Yours Disappointedly,

Shaky xxx

Prince Andrew Stubs Toe

2013-07-29T14:16:00.003+01:00

by Shaky Parkinson

St. Mary's Hospital

Despite week wide coverage of the royal birth the Royal Families medical problems seem far from over as belated reports are surfacing that last Prince Andrew has spent the last week in intensive care after stubbing his toe.

The incident took place last Sunday while Prince Andrew was visiting his Mother for a friendly game of cribbage to see in the end of the Duchess of Cambridge's pregnancy. It is believed that Prince Andrew rose to fix them both a ginger shandy when his foot came into swift contact with the Edwardian drinks cabinet causing massive damage to his right foot.

"Hordes of fanatics."

Matters darkened when Prince Andrew was unable to secure any medical attention due to the imminent arrival of the heir apparent and was forced to drive himself to St. Mary's Hospital where upon arriving he had to battle his way through the hordes of fanatics who had encamped themselves on the doorsteps to witness the first glimpses of the as yet unborn child.

"They were everywhere," commented Prince Andrew during his recovery interview this morning, "A rabble of freaks and nutballs, Christ knows what it'll be like at the christening. Normally I would have kept my distance and let time work its magic but due to the weather I was only wearing a pair of suede loafers and the damage to my toe was considerable."

Prince Andrew driving
himself to hospital.

"From there on in it only got worse. It took me hours to steal away a nurse through all the commotion and was only treated to an examination when the chief of surgery slipped on the blood spewing from my toe. It didn't help any that the nurse had me installed in the suite next door to Kate and frankly the noise was unbearable, you'd have thought she was giving birth to a Chelsea supporter with tourette's."

He continued, "It's not like I wanted to make a fuss and overshadow the 'occasion' but this was a serious wound, there was blood everywhere and I could see bone. I've never experienced pain like this but luckily they aren't going to amputate so we dodged a bullet there, although not a table, am I right?"

"Every stubbing is different."

The almost unshowable stubbed toe.

"We've kept the Prince heavily medicated due to his injuries," claimed the on duty Nurse, "I've been treating patients for years and I've never seen a stubbed toe this horrific. Every stubbing is different but this is about as bad as it could possibly be. We wish him a speedy recovery and hope he'll be right as rain for the little one's Christening, it's going to be heavenly."

Prince Andrew is said to be doing well and will be kept in hospital for observation over the next fortnight in the company of his sister Princess Anne and brother Prince Edward after they were both admitted with dicky tummies late on Tuesday night.

South London Supermarket Stolen

2013-07-12T16:50:00.000+01:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Offensive promotion.

The townsfolk of Purley have been left stunned after their local 150,000 sqft, 24hr Tesco+ was stolen in a daring raid yesterday evening. The thieves made off with the shop at around 6pm leaving staff and shoppers shocked and confused.

"Until they disappeared."

A number of individuals dressed in dark tracksuits and hooded tops are said to have entered the shop at around 9am carrying large travel bags and were seen acting suspiciously for a number of hours until they disappeared into the rush hour queues with the building and its contents.

"Everything was fine one minute," claimed eye witness shopper Cathy Ballake, "I was looking up the calorie content on a Muller crunch corner then all of a sudden there was a heavy breeze and my basket had disappeared along with the yogurt and the rest of the fridge aisle."

"There'd been a bit of a draft all day," noted Supervisor Gregory Patesh, "So I was speaking with our maintenance man in the delivery area when the air conditioning unit that we'd been inspecting vanished before our eyes not too mention the ladder we were using. I wasn't even able to fill out a health and safety report for Graham's broken pelvis because all our offices had been stolen. I just can't believe this has happened."

Suspects.

"I'm not even supposed to be here today," claimed employee Dante Hicks, "I was taking a break out back and before I could drench them in milk my Frosties had disappeared and the floor was covered. I'm not even supposed to be here."

"There were."

Head of security Arthur Shank was monitoring the store's cameras at the time of the robbery, "There were a few suspicious looking characters hanging around the magazines but as went to alter the cameras for a better look the security console was gone along with my keys and hat. I don't know what to tell you. I think I was still shaken by the day's earlier incident."

Mr. Parker being held captive.

The incident mentioned took place at 1.15pm when 82 year old retired priest George Parker was pinned and held at gun point after being accused of shoplifting a Twix. Mr. Parker had apparently, 'Popped in for a snack' when he was jumped on his way out of the supermarket for what later turned out to be a fault with the self-service checkouts. Yet it is incidents such as this that have raised questions about Tesco's 'Coin for Convicts' program that sees work based rehabilitation placements offered to recently paroled criminals in a bid to help reintegrate them into society.

"We need to look into the program," spoke Group CEO Philip Clarke, "After that job centre toilet incident we thought we'd go heavily in the opposite direction but that seems to have bitten us in the arse. That's not to say we are accusing anyone but the loss of an entire store is really serious. They cost a bloody fortune to build, so all in all with the vicar's lawsuit it's been a pretty shocking day."

"Good Riddance."

Feeling wasn't all negative with the general public taking a very different stance on the robbery with Mrs. Robinson of Eckton Drive happy at the Tesco's misfortune, "I say good riddance, the food is overpriced and the quality leaves much to be desired, like taste and freshness. They need to know people won't stand for it and I think the thieves should be praised, but certainly not knighted."

One gang member working
unnoticed at the front of store.

"I'm in two minds," spoke shopper Darren Hump, "I was in the market for a box of Mr. Kipling Lemon Slices but quite frankly I'm outraged at the cost and seeing as I'm not the slimmest chap I'm glad the temptation has been taken away from me. This is going to do wonders for my diet."

"We have no definitive leads."

It is thought that recent trouble with the supermarket giant at their choice of 'holier than though' advertising which caused massive friction with the local community is to blame however police were quick to distill these ideas, "What we're dealing with here is a total lack of respect for the law, chkechkechkchkchk," claimed Detective Inspector Mike Willis of the Metropolitan Police as he removed his earphones, "At this current time we have no definitive leads but are pursuing a number of enquiries."

He continued, "What we do know is that this is sadly not a revenge theft, just a meticulously planned heist. From the CCTV footage we have obtained from our security cameras before they were stolen we believe that the suspects are a large gang of about five individuals and either a midget or a sixth member with severe bone disfigurement. At this stage of the game we don't hold out much hope of finding the supermarket intact as it is likely to have been broken down and sold off in parts so we ask the public to be vigilant for any non-bagged multipack salt and vinegar Walkers. In addition to our investigation we are appealing for anyone with any information to come forward so that we can solve this doozy before it gets the better of us."

One thief subtly entering
the premises.

Despite no arrests being made the police aren't ruling out the prospect that the robbery could be linked with similar thefts in Croydon and Redhill where two Post Offices, an ASDA and a Timpsons were stolen in a week long spree in June by a scrap gang working out of Twatlington.

"I've got one child!"

The aftermath of the theft is still being realised as scores of people have begun rioting in the now vacant car park due to an inability to purchase liquor for the coming weekend. "They've got us by the balls," claimed protestor Sandra Gubbins, "They take down all the competition then go and get themselves stolen and as usual it is us that suffer. I've got one child to feed, not too mention the fact I've got nothing to serve our friends at tomorrow's barbecue, this is a disaster. I feel abused."

Rioters in the car park.

"I don't know what they expect us to do," continued Clarke, "They'll just have to get through the next two days sober. Our first priority is to recover our missing property and if they need food they'll have to make do with their nearest Tesco Metro which is only 0.1miles away."

Police have been called to the scene to calm the rabble and investigate the claims that certain rioters have been seen making amateur firebombs to launch at the foundations of the supermarket. "This is very counter productive," continued Detective Willis, "The more time we have to waste yelling at these morons the longer it is going to take us to get our job done." However it seems set that the rioting is set to continue as the police's hope of catching the culprits lessens with every minute.

ilegfileaufgeia;ub

2013-06-26T09:35:00.000+01:00

ELVIS LIVES!!! ;ku;kjn;iukh HE LIVES!!! ROCK AND Rjbkafbaowugkfwakf Get him out of here. Dammit Douglas! I thought you were covering security. For fuck's sake what's all this? It's not going to print is it? What's that little microphone thing flashing for? Someone get Goodgame in here. Jesus Robbins what is it now? Delivery for you. rufflflflflflflflfe. About bloody time do you know how long I've been waiting for these cue tips? I haven't broken a century since Christmas. What's up chief? My fist in your ego if you can't fix this computer. It keeps writing everything I say and I can't make it stop. Look it's doing it now. No problem I've got it sorted. Good 'cos I've got a lunch date with the bloody press complaints commission, apparently we've breached standards again. Fuck knows why. Have you fixed it? I reckon so, hopefully this'll sort things out. Just hit okay. Shouldn't that be cancel? No it's one of those backwards ones. Good I'm going out make sure this is sorted by the time I get back and whatever you do make sure it doesn't go live. Righto Chief. Let's just okay this and see wh...

Tennant And Osbourne To Duel

2013-06-14T22:41:00.000+01:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Flagship BBC program The One Show was forced off the air this evening when an argument broke out between Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osbourne and Royal Shakespeare Company operative David Tennant. As is their want the BBC have already apologised for the incident but the fight seems fit to continue as the pair don swords in a duel to be held at dawn.

"Financial grants to cows."

The conflict arose moments after the Chancellor ended his discussion about the Coalition's latest environmental scheme to reduce Britain's CO2 emissions by awarding financial grants to cows if they cease flatulating.

Despite staff claiming that the Chancellor 'Appeared stressed' and was 'Looking very pale' he openly discussed the scheme as well as claims about back bench opposition to the proposal, "The scheme is a doozy. Really top notch thinking, and we've got our best guys on it. Clegg, Cable, the whole team and the MP's who are opposing this strategy need to think in the long term if Britain is going to help combat global warming. People elected us so we would resolve the economic problems left to us by the previous government but we've gone one step further by altering every facet of daily life in our bid to assist the nation."

Further observations that the Chancellor looked 'Vacant and emotionally ignorant' failed to dampen his spirits as he left the studio during the broadcasting of a Springwatch 2013 segment to join fellow guest David Tennant in the green room where minutes later raised voices were heard. Eventually the banging and smashes alerted security who broke into the barricaded room to find the couple rough housing amongst a pile of empty Celebration Wrappers.

Tennant moments before the fight.

"Backwell back in 2008."

"We got them apart as quickly as we could," commented Security Officer Mick James, "But they were at each others throats. Galaxy Truffle this and see you on the battlefield that. I haven't dealt with anything this nasty since Len Goodman and Bruce Forsyth threw down over a cherry bakewell back in 2008."

"The pair were flustered," claimed presenter Matt Baker, "And we just want to apologise to our viewer for the incident. Thanks to my Blue Peter first aid training I was able to treat David's bruised ego and the Chancellor's ever reddening cheek before matters got out of hand."

Although staff were unable to discover a cause for the hostilities Tennant was eager to protest his innocence as the pair were calmly lead from Broadcasting House, """I'M INNOCENT!!! DOTH NOT THE EYE SEETH TRUTH IN ME??? HISS HISS HISS!!!""" while a more animated Osbourne was furious at the incident, "Boys will be boys and this is nothing more than a bit of light improv that got out of hand. Still no matter how the delivery a challenge is a challenge," but when asked to elaborate neither party could offer any further explanation although runner Claire Hutching witnessed the argument from outside the green room.

"I couldn't hear much through the overacting," she claimed, "But it seemed that there was a dispute about chocolate, which was followed by a lot of swearing and things being thrown around before I distinctly heard the word 'duel' and 'twat' being repeated a number of times.

Osbourne's duelling gonks.

This comment was later confirmed when Tennant released a press statement claiming, """GEORGE OSBOURNE IS NO MORE A SNOB THAN I AM A THESPIAN!!! AND WE SHALL BE DUELLING TO THE DEATH COME DAYBREAK!!!""" Downing Street also delivered a similar announcement that stated 'Chancellor Osbourne has accepted the challenge of a duel and will comply with all the requisite procedures required in its undertaking'.

"Duels are to be fought."

Parliamentary tradition dictates that all duels are to be fought at first light upon the waters of the river Thames overlooking the Houses of Parliament and in good faith the palace has offered the royal duelling barge to act as the customary vessel.

Royal duelling barge.

What with Osbourne's 2nd grade fencing award from Magdalen College and Tennant's extensive use of stage props bookies are saying that a Tennant death would prove unfavourable as would an Osbourne win and are therefore refusing to give odds on either opponent but wish both the combatants unanimous condolences.

BBC will be broadcasting the event from 4.30am with kick off at 5.08 after opening coverage from Adrian Chiles and Sue Barker. You can also follow the proceedings on twitter at #twatfight.

Limb Found In Sussex

2013-06-07T17:23:00.002+01:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Pup and Smut pub, Eppington.

An arm belonging to a fifty year old African American male was found outside the Pup and Smut on market street, Eppington yesterday evening. Police are asking the owner to come and collect the limb within the next thirty days or it will be sold at auction.

"It's starting to pong," claimed Constable Brian Blunt of the Eppington Constabulary, "And what with the recent genocide clogging up our evidence room we'd prefer it if the limb was collected sooner rather than later."

This isn't the first instance of missing body parts being found in the area, with two sandalled feet showing up outside Aldi last spring and a rogue torsoe causing confusion during the town's Christmas pageant it is hoped that this isn't the beginning of a trend.

The public can contact the police by telephone.

Puff Piece Found Dead In Tree

2013-05-17T15:31:00.001+01:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Crime scene.

After a six month search the body of missing news icon 'The Puff Piece' was found stuck up a tree on Clapham Common in the early hours of this morning. Police have said they are shocked at the discovery but are happy that their arduous search has finally resolved itself in a moderately positive way.

"Stabbed."

Although a time of death has yet to be established forensic specialists have revealed that the body had been brutally stabbed, raped, mugged, beaten, drugged, shot, stabbed, burnt, stripped, embezzled, defrauded, bullied, violated, stabbed, abused, divorced, paedophiled, sued, excommunicated, tortured and photographed for internet distribution.

"It didn't help the breakfast go down," claimed William Felt who discovered the body while out jogging in the early hours, "I was nipping back home through the woods when I saw something moving in the trees. It wasn't until I got closer that I saw a cat pawing over something hidden in the branches. So I called the fire brigade and they brought down what was left of the body. I've never been so dismayed and relieved in all my life. I mean what's the world coming to?"

The victim's family are saddened by the loss but in a statement claimed, "It was a long time coming and we are simply glad that the torment is over. The incident has come as a big shock to us but we've got a new fridge freezer on the way so it's not all bad news."

"Knives."

Scotland Yard have launched an investigation into the attack and with the use of intelligence reports and CCTV footage have issued a profile of what is believed to be a vicious gang of badly dressed media types armed with bulging wallets, knives, pessimistic viewpoints and vast amounts of audience research data. Police are warning the public to stay clear of the gang and are appealing for witnesses to come forward and aid in the investigation.

And in lighter news...

Investigation Launched Into 1970's Policing

2013-05-06T14:56:00.000+01:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Scotland Yard's squeaky clean reputation has fallen into disrepute after a number of television personalities have come forward claiming that the Metropolitan Police are guilty of systematic abuse dating back as far as the 1970's.

"Men as old as 87."

The bubble of lies finally burst when an independent commission was set up to investigate confessions made by broadcaster Stuart Hall about how the police systematically preyed on the weak and vulnerable wallets of men as old as 87 throughout the television industry for over four decades.

In a statement earlier this morning Hall claimed, "We were powerless, they knew how to isolate us and shame you into their way of thinking. It's not like you could go to the police or seek help elsewhere and so you just end up going along with what they want. It makes you feel sick, sick and hopeless. I'm just happy that this is all coming out in the open."

"Indecent money."

Officials were seen leaving Scotland yard with boxes containing thousands of indecent money bands along with numerous cigar ends and used whisky glasses that under examination will hopefully contain invaluable DNA evidence to ratify the claims. Yet the question of how have these crimes went unpunished for so long is still one that needs answering.

"By all appearances Scotland Yard was the beacon of trust and honesty," claimed Commission Head Gerald Printer, "No one had a bad word to say about it and the nation was fully content to support and encourage it."

Stuart Hall outside Preston
Crown Court.

"Maybe a few years ago the shock at the recent findings would have been markedly less ravenous," he continued, "But with today's falling social standards and unforced media economy the British public are ready to enact their viciousness for almost anything. Even so it is a terrible thing to watch such a long serving member of the United Kingdom being brought into disrepute. As always our thoughts are with the victims families and we hope that our investigation can uncover any and all hidden secrets and establish the true nature of these crimes."

"And stalking as well."

Further information was released about an alleged secret 'Vice Squad' that were unofficially tasked with carrying out the alleged offences that range from bullying, blackmailing and stalking as well as both physical and mental assault.

A spokesman for The Sun newspaper claimed, "We've been furthering this cause for years now and it seems we're doing a damn sight better job than those sickos back in the 70's. All they've done is let these predators run around unchecked and it is up to The Sun to sell the public some justice."

Despite the investigation still being in its early stages families of the prospective victims are already setting up their bank accounts for a potential boost in assets and it is hoped that the necessary castrations and resignations will be carried out on live television in the coming weeks.

Mohammed Sohel Rana Enters Record Books

2013-04-29T13:27:00.002+01:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Mohammed Sohel Rana.

Textile bastard Mohammed Sohel Rana has been entered into the Guinness Book of World Records for maintaining the longest bout of anxiety known to history. After Rana set his record attempt in motion last Tuesday with a demonstration of extreme negligence and the mass murder of hundreds of his employees he has since been seen to show a 'marked mental strain of almost sickening qualities'.

"To quit and to give."

"It's not been easy," stated the barely consciousness Rana in a press conference yesterday, "The authorities are doing a great job, props go to them, this is as much their record as it is mine. The last few days have been a roller-coaster, at times I didn't think I could handle it. There have been moments when I wanted to quit and to give up. Yesterday I panicked and tried to flee the country."

Rana and his coaching team at
yesterday's press conference.

He continued, "I flipped you know, this anxiety is real but the police were there to drag me from the plane and put me on the right path. In my moment of weakness I felt as if I let down all the people that made this record attempt possible and I think it'll take someone else to illustrate this properly but I'm sorry for that and with the support of all these vicious mobs behind me I think we can keep this movement going."

"Already unstable textile."

The volume of support for the record attempt has unified the local community of Dhaka, Bangladesh where Rana began his attempt by adding three floors onto his already unstable textile factory causing the structure to collapse and kill hundreds of poorly paid workers so that lower income persons in the UK could be suitably decked out for their Saturday night lurking.

Dhaka spectators.

"The quicker we can get him to the prison the better chance we have on getting the result we want," claimed Rana's supportive workforce that have been instrumental in organising the protests, anger and abuse needed to sustain the record attempt. "There's been set backs and to say it's been a challenge is an understatement but we want this cocksucker's suffering to continue as long as possible and we'll be there every step of the way until this happens."

The UK was also doing its bit for the cause with a group of angry shoppers staging a supportive protest outside their local Primark. "It must look like we've been living in a bubble," claimed one of them, "But we had no idea this record attempt was going on, so we're here to show our support for the whole thing."

Fuck Off!

Touched by the messages Rana concluded, "Reaching my goal is a fantastic achievement but the game isn't over yet and I'm aiming to push this record all the way up to the prison cell. It's a trial having to fight the constant desire to faint and my bowl control is really being put through its paces but if we can make it through to the trial then I fail to see how anyone could take this away from us."

"Spill saw him shoot."

Rana's pre-attempt video.

Rana took the title from former BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward after his handling of the Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill that saw him shoot to the top of the leader board. Speaking from his Kent mansion Hayward claimed, "Losing the title has made me incredibly anxious, maybe its the way I'm built. The question we have to ask ourselves now is how long can Rana go before his soul can find peace. If I was speaking frankly I'd say this is going to be an unbeatable record."

Michael Bolton, Not From Bolton

2013-04-21T12:20:00.000+01:00

by Shaky Parkinson

"Said I loved you...But I Lied"

The people of Bolton were today shocked to discover that legendary singer/songwriter and local icon Michael Bolton was not in fact born in the city. Bolton whose real name is in fact Bolotin originally hails from New Haven, Connecticut and isn't even of British nationality.

"Devastated," claimed Bolton Mayor Guy Harkin, "This is a massive blow to our city's identity and the work required in rectifying this mistake could cripple us at the next budget. There's the street names, the statues, not too mention the charities that will have to be shut down. I guess no one did the research. Although this does shed light on why he didn't respond to our letters."

Bolton's citizens were equally distressed by the news with Mr. Wellesley of Michael Bolton Manor claiming, "We sort of assumed everything and you know what they say, to assume is to set yourself up to look like a tit."

"Our bad," sighed Shelia Smith of How Am I Supposed To Live Without You Road.

"Honestly, I don't think we should change a thing. What Bolton needs now is moral and shunning our identity won't help that. Bolton is Bolton and it should stay that way," noted Sid Purt of Go The Distance Avenue.

Bolton, a city reeling.

"Who?" asked Deborah Hill of Can I Touch You...There? Street.

Sentiment wasn't all positive with Richard Holme of Michael Mews in uproar at the discovery, "I don't know what this tosser is trying to pull but he's upsetting a lot of people. Think of the lives he is ruining."

"My faith is absolutely shattered," he continued to sob, "When a man loves a woman it's fine, but when a city loves a man its nothing but a fucking joke. Well ha ha ha. Bolton's taken all my love and left me a hollow shell of a man. What are we supposed to do now?"

"We were only days away from a cure," claimed researcher Imelda Johnson of the Michael Bolton Leukaemia Research Foundation that was shut down this morning after the announcement, "That's thirty years of research down the drain. Shit."

The Michael Bolton statue that
adorns Sexual Healing Square
in the City Centre.

Protest was strongest amongst the city's more radical fan-base with a CD and tape cassette burning scheduled to take place at Sexual Healing Square later this evening. Bolton was unavailable for comment although his answering machine claimed that he, "Said I Loved You...But I lied."

The turmoil is set to spread nationwide with other cities double checking their research in fear of losing claim to what may or may not be their homegrown talent. "It's a sad time," claimed Home Secretary Theresa May, "People are waking up to the fact that Julie London was from California, Michael York was a Southerner and Clarke Kent never even set foot in the home counties. It is a sad realisation but we can at least take solace in the fact that the Britain we know and love is being represented across the world by a vast group of Americans.

Tickets for the Big Bolton Burn are £7 each on the door, no concessions. Doors open at 7pm and remember, you bring the fuel and we'll bring the fun.

North Korea Poised To Play History's Biggest Bluff

2013-04-10T18:35:00.004+01:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Continuing fears about North Korea's nuclear weapon capabilities have suffered a sharp knock in credibility after a meeting of world leaders has claimed the country is simply 'Bluffing' and that its technological developments haven't yet 'Passed beyond the acquisition of a Pritt Stick'.

Continuous threats coupled with only minor blanket advertising are claimed to have highlighted the world's governments to the country's lack of action, with Foreign Secretary William Hague noting, "Kim Jong-un isn't positioned to be offering us these grand threats and it appears his intentions are nothing more than idle argy bargy brought about to further an ego boost."

He continued, "He should have gotten out while the going was good, not pussy foot around with a few ifs and buts. If North Korea truly wanted to sell us the idea of a thermo-nuclear war they would have bombed Seoul weeks ago, the situation we are in now is laughable and it has been agreed that the big NK should step down from the table and call it quits."

Statements issued from Pyongyang have rebuffed the claims stating, "We're dead serious about all this. We've made it really clear that if South Korea doesn't stop ignoring us and start panicking we'll launch all our bombs and stuff at them. If we decided to give you a tour around are really sweet army bases then you'd see that all our tech is quality and if anyone thinks we are bluffing we'll use all our blowy uppy things and hav' 'em."

Kimmy, trying to stay in high spirits
during a game of odd man out.

The foreign office was quick to reassure travellers of the region's continuing stability by claiming, "That there is no increased danger in the area and certainly no immediate threat posed to any visitors to South Korea beyond a dodgy street vendor." This feeling was reiterated by Hague who went on to claim that, "North Korea has our deepest condolences and we're just hoping this whole fiasco blows over quickly and we can all go out for a drink to settle our differences. Maybe it's not us that needs to listen. Words don't always have to hurt. Isn't that right Kimmy?"

South Korea was also portraying a nation in the throws of calmness with President Park Geun-hye shrugging off the threats as idle banter, "No need to worry, they do this from time to time," she stated, "It's just a thing we have. Give it a week or so and the matter will be ancient history."

In his garden President Obama
searches for potential missiles.

These comments sparked further frustration from the North Korean capital with comments being released stating, "We are well 'ard and if no one believes us we are going to blow shit up. We mean business and death to all the twats! No joke, the reason we haven't fired any missiles yet is because we don't want any of you stupid foreigners living south of the border to get hurt. That's compassion that is but we've got deadlines to hit and we've been left with no other option than to get this thermo-nuclear fun storm underway. As soon as the wind is in the right position and the missiles have been cleaned you better watch out. We are a nation at war and if everyone wants to ignore that and make us out to be bullies then we'll have to sort 'em out."

President Obama responded with a well received, "Oh no he didn't," before going onto say, "The threats levelled at the United Sates of America are pretty negligible, even if one of these 'missiles' could reach our shores it'll probably just buff up the work for the local archaeologists."

Japanese mount terrifying defense.

Concern however wasn't absent with Japan deploying anti-aircraft launchers reasoning, "We don't believe in bluffs. The only thing we understand is that North Korea has said it will soon be launching some nuclear weapons our way and because the evidence shows us this is not unlikely we have no choice but to take these threat seriously. Although these are simply just cautionary measures we don't really foresee any future problems, I mean we took down Godzilla, we got this."

Tensions and opinions are still varied although much less strained and it is this writer's hope that these threats remain idle and that no one flicks the switch.

Shark Deaths Number 100 Million A Year

2013-03-03T14:47:00.000+00:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Statistics released today show that man's battle with nature has hit an all time high with upwards of 100 million sharks estimated to have been killed in the last 12 months. The government is said to be 'Happy' with the increase after last years G8 summit pledged $17billion towards the fight for less scary oceans and fear free swimming.

"Myself and the other members of the G8 decided that the shark menace is one we couldn't ignore any longer," quoted Barrack Obama from Camp David last May, "With their dark beady eyes, sharp teeth and ravenous bloodlust we have act now if we ever want to rid the globe of this terrible threat to human safety."

"We still have our work."

Wallet bagging his first kill in 1981.

"We're ecstatic," claimed Dr. Ken Wallet of F.I.S.H. (Florida Institute for Shark Hunting), "This funding has not only allowed us to further a physical presence upon the seas but has given us the chance to pursue much needed research into this creatures mating habits because the way these buggers fuck means we still have our work cut out if we are ever going to get the surfing holiday we all want."

Chinese commercial fishing subsidiaries are said to have proven highly effective since their creation in June with the Chinese coast already showing exhaustion of major fishing locations. "Francois Hollande and myself have been campaigning to incorporate China into the G8 for sometime," claimed Prime Minister David Cameron, "And the way in which they've thrown themselves into this cause is very encouraging. They're sterling work is leading the way towards the extinction of humanity's scariest foe and their skill is only complimented by their professionalism with the cute way in which they ritualistically eat the fin from every shark they kill as a mark of respect. Adorable."

"Their limbs are safe."

OMFG!!!

"What good is a blue flag beach when the sea is infested with sharks?" claimed Tourism Minister Burt Beach, "This fish is scaring away our tourist trade and leaving our seaside's to rot in the rain. Surely the loss of one globally disliked creature is comparable to a world where people can live in ignorance knowing that their limbs are safe from unruly predators? Isn't that the human approach?"

Wallet continued, "Forty years ago we knew next to nothing about sharks, and if Steven Spielberg had not enlightened the world to their ways with his legendary documentary we would still be stuck in the board room discussing what to do. His foresight gave us the time to prepare and adapt to the creature's environment so that today we can finally begin to reap the benefits of decades worth of planning."

"World specialists out of work."

Despite numerous animal rights and environmental activists forcing localised bans and litigation onto many aspects of the killing process it hasn't deterred Governments from pushing forward with their plans. "The shark is a magnificent creature, not only will the endangering of this species put tens of oceanographers and Sea World specialists out of work but it will ruin what should be a natural fear of the ocean," claimed Cathy Newman of F.I.S.H (Friends to Investigate Shark Harassment), "Without sharks to keep them in check as the prime predator of the ocean we predict that a race of Super Crabs will rise to take their place with even more disastrous consequences for the human population and we refuse to let this become a reality."

Children at a Shark Seminar in Perth.

These concerns were swiftly swept aside when the news broke of a shark attack on 17 year old James Talward who had his tattoo disfigured while surfing off the Durban coast. During a press conference earlier this morning the shaken youth commented, "I'd swum out past the safety nets to catch the morning break and before I knew it my Sharky and George tattoo was being agonisingly chewed up by a baby Dwarf Lantern. It wasn't until I flicked him off that I realised the damage he'd done. No amount of hospital bills or re-touching will prevent me being ostracised and ridiculed for my damaged ink."

In the wake of the attack the world's Governments issued joint statements claiming that their shark hunting initiatives and subsidiaries will continue as promised leaving us to ponder whether the answer to the age old question, what is yellow and dangerous is in fact a Chinese fishing trawler.

Corn Wall To Be Reinstated

2013-02-17T12:49:00.000+00:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Amid rebuffs of independence Cornwall County Council have shocked the country be rallying volunteers to begin construction on the Corn Wall, a planned 300ft undertaking that will stretch from Plymouth to Welcombe and result in the unofficial annexing of Cornwall from the United Kingdom.

Drastic though it may be the new Corn Wall will not be the first of its kind. In 900BC and again 1316AD corn walls were erected along the edge of Britain's 'Corn Belt' that marked the border between Devon and Cornwall and gave rise to the county's name.

"It was a big decision," claimed head of research and development for Cornwall County Council Bernard Rick, "But after many months of peaceful campaigning only to be told our desire for a free Cornwall was 'infantile on a level not even a child would understand' we decided to take matters into our own hands. Although we would like to keep with tradition and build the fortification out of corn the idea isn't feasible or cost effective and so with a modern age comes a modern wall. We have a long way to go yet but we are confident that in time everyone will come to love and support the project as much as our initial bunch of volunteers. "

"I'm not going to stand."

During a press conference this morning Prime Minister David Cameron was asked how he will be handling the matter and whether or not the actions taken by Cornwall were treasonous, "Sensible, no, treasonous, we can but hope. If Cornwall want to play independence for a few days I'm not going to stand in their way but the reality is that their plans are completely unfeasible, ridiculous and infantile on a level not even a child would understand."

Artists impression of original
900BC Corn Wall.

He continued, "I mean where will they get the stones? Years of mining have exhausted all their natural resources and if history has shown us anything it's that you cannot build a defensive 300ft barrier out of tin scraps. It's just stupid. However if it comes down to it we'll fight them, no matter how absurd the fight we can't have rogue counties causing mayhem in this manner. A joke's a joke but that's as far as we'll let them take it."

"So."

Native Truro Architect Richard Price (8th Generation) has been asked to oversee the project, "This is the biggest undertaking of its kind and I'm proud to be apart of the project. We not only want the wall to be practical but also aesthetically pleasing, so we plan on using imported British cement for the structure and a beautiful Cornish granite for the facing, thus illustrating the strength and beauty that emblazons the Cornish people themselves."

"I'm simply the first link in a chain that will go on for the 250 years it will take to complete the wall," he furthered, "We're laying the groundwork of independence so that our grandchildren's children's great grandchildren will finally have the privilege of living in a state free from the tyrannical influence of the British Government."

"The family hopped."

News Guff was on site to speak to volunteers such as Samantha Pastry of Cambourne who has given up her time to aid the project, "After we'd heard the news the family hopped straight into the Citroen and we drove up to help. We just had to be apart of this."

"This will really stick it to the man," claimed Edgar Plunk of Wendron.

"FREEDOM!!!" claimed Badger Dennings of Looe.

"Get those crazy fucks."

Support for the Corn Wall has already progressed beyond the confines of the county with Devonshire County Council committing extra workmen to aid in construction, "We just have to get rid of them," claimed Devonshire Councillor Kerry Hill, "It's always independence this and independence that so we've sent in labourers to quicken construction and get those crazy fucks locked away forever. With them gone we can finally give the Devonshire Pasty its deserved placing as the nation's favourite heated snack and finally put Devon on the map."

Working? The Israeli
West Bank Barrier.

Support also came from further afield with Norfolk and Shropshire County Councils both in plans to dissociate themselves from British rule. A spokesperson for Norfolk County Council stated, "We are sick of being left behind and if Britain is heading towards a state state then we want to be first in the queue."

"We've witnessed these projects fail."

Walls have been used throughout history as a simple form of segregation but UN Worker David Baulderdash has been quick to criticise the Corn Wall and it's unnecessary instigation, "The wall is only a means to distill a short term conflict and cannot succeed as a long term peaceful goal. Despite what they say people don't like to be separated and we've witnessed these projects fail time and time again. When you think really hard about it, the idea of a Corn Wall is very much retarded."

The feelings of Baulderdash were mirrored by many inhabitants of the Cornish region that resulted in a riot at the workers construction HQ at Launceston. "You don't just go around building walls without good cause," claimed protest organiser Kenneth Gill, "We believe that words and negotiation are what is needed here, so these idiots can fuck off while we burn down their campsite."

Construction HQ, Launceston.

"They may think they are keeping everyone else out but really they are locking us all in," claimed fellow activist Gemma Beach, "I've seen the plans and although the granite is a lovely touch the project is simply barmy. I'm all for displays of mass action but as a county there is no reason why we need independence from our neighbours, and we sure as shit don't need a 300ft wall blocking out our most enjoyable asset."

After the riot left three people bruised and eight tents flattened the Territorial Army sent in reserve troops to monitor the scene but with rumours of rain, excessive tea breaks and malcontent circulating, the chaotic diplomatic affairs amongst the Cornish ranks could already spell doom for the plan.

iApple Hits Shops

2013-02-05T16:55:00.001+00:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Tim Cook at iApple launch.

Apple's new portable device the iApple hit the high street this morning with fans already queueing round the block to get their hands on what experts are dubbing 'The decades most revolutionary invention'.

"The iApple is not just an apple," claimed Apple CEO Tim Cook, "It's the latest innovation in mobile technology. Much like we did with the desktop computer and the mobile phone we have taken this simple fruit and developed it in a way that will suit our customers needs and further the Apple brand."

"Our consumers are always looking for the next big technological development and the iApple is there to help them on the way. Its goal is to cater to the professional who is so busy with their important rushing about that eating not only becomes a choir but a nuisance. With incorporated calorie counter, iTunes connectivity and wireless Internet the iApple aims to time manage people's eating habits in a healthy way whilst offering up all the essential communication tools of a high end Apple product."

Feeding the world. The iApple.

It seems the public are eager to get their hands on the new device that comes equipped not only with all the plug-ins, apps and accessibility of a standard iPhone but with a calorie counter, diet instructor and fat measurer coupled with tasty nourishing abilities that are set to path the way for a fresh surge in healthy living.

"I've been queuing up here for roughly a month," claimed avid Apple fan Stephen Fry, "If the iApple is as awesome as my iPhone then I'm willing to pay the £800 for the privilege of using it."

"If it has Angry Birds on it then I'm sold," claimed Publicist Shelia Gonk.

"Increase in whole sale fruit."

Retail analysts are predicting that the release of the iApple could see a positive effect on the high street at a time when many retailers are struggling with closure. Although many critics are claiming that the Apple brand is becoming far to monopolising, recent statistics show an increase in wholesale fruit and vegetables as Apple licensed fruit and vegetable stores sprout up across the country.

The scene on Regent Street.

"We're out to crush our competitors," continued Cook, "And we see our backing as key to the survival of the fledging fruit and veg industry in the UK. As a company we're innovators and with our skills coupled with that of the already well-established apple we can promote healthy, clean living with integrated Wi-Fi at a reasonable and excessive cost. With Apple's global appeal we plan on putting an iApple into the hands of everyone on the globe. Simply put the iApple is the future."

The Online iApple App Store has already seen a massive surge in activity since stores opened at 8am this morning and it is thought that the trend will continue. Experts are also expecting to see increased sales in healthy food products with many brands already using the iApple's technology to syndicate their products.

"The public won't stand."

The news wasn't all jubilant with court cases and criticism hitting Apple's door like a barrage of shit. "The apple is a fruit and cannot be licensed by one company alone," claimed Granny Smith, "This kind of corporate intrusion cannot be justified and no matter how many features it has the public won't stand for this."

The iApple's classic features.

Samsung also bruised Apple's side by filing a number of lawsuits against the company claiming that they had infringed patent copyright, "We invented the apple years ago and Apple have simply ripped off our technology for their own uses," fumed Samsung Chairman Lee Kun-hee, "They must be stopped."

Cook responded by claiming, "That Apple has breached no copyright laws and that its fruity technology is its own," before going onto accost Samsung CEO Kwon Oh-hyun of failing to produce proof of the accusations, "If we can steal from the Beatles we can steal from anybody and regardless of these accusations it is clear that the iApple is having a positive impact on the consumer market," he concluded.

Samsung made no further statements and their concerns were lost amid news that the iApple 2.0 will be hitting shelves next month featuring upgrades such as a 16 mega-pixel camera as well as orange, kiwi and strawberry coloured models.

Staff Memo: Where's My Front Page Bitches?

2013-01-20T17:12:00.000+00:00

Dear All,

I understand that winter is with us but unfortunately the news doesn't mirror the pace of National Rail and if we don't get something to press soon we're fucked. I've got the IRS up my arse claiming that we owe them something called taxes and they are threatening to get rid of Champagne Thursday as it apparently counts as a luxury and can't be classified under running costs. Personally I'd like to see them run a newspaper without it and the sad thing is I might get my wish.

Just because heaven is going through a Head and Shoulders shortage doesn't mean the news gets any less important. If I can get in from Alaska then you lot have no excuse. I mean Jesus Goodgame you live in the basement and Jack, think up something better. Coming from Robbins I'd be less skeptical but I'm not buying the suggestion that you were mortally wounded by a rogue Scottish Ninja off the Balham High Road.

Chris you have telepathic powers so even if your Internet is out you can at least beam me over a horoscope or two and Douglas, I know you're touchy about them but I've seen those paw like feet you're rocking and if they aren't snow friendly then nothing is. Just chalk this one up as a disabled win and get cracking on this economic terminology:

1) Revenue
2) Stocks (That's with a 't' I'm not a complete moron)
3) Extravagance
4) Jail

Bottom line if you're not going to brave the weather for me at least do it for the readers. How are they going to give credence to their anger without a few conflicting facts behind them?

Yours Forever,

Shaky xxx

UK Prepares For Mid-Week Sickie

2013-01-13T15:02:00.003+00:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Extreme weather warnings from the Met Office have caused employers to expect a huge rise in absenteeism in the coming week. With the country heading into a yellow warning due to an increase in temperature in the stratosphere the UK could expect an excuse of -2C freezing, causing minimal amounts of ice and slush to hit the roads.

"It's the weather we've been waiting for," claimed Daniel Pierce of the Met Office, "Personally I found a damp cloudy Christmas wasn't good enough, so it is with belated joy we can claim that in the coming days we are expecting roughly 5cm of snow to fall on the highest points in the UK that will result in a fatal sleet and slush combo in most low lying areas. With the recent global warming figures hot off the press we will happily be debunking any doubting farts by braving all in our thermals for a snowball fight at Henley Golf Course at a prompt 6am start on Tuesday morning."

"We can to make sure."

The Highways Agency were quick to reassure the public by stating, "There is enough salt for us to see out the winter. However, the chips might be a problem with the findings of a contaminated potato storage lock up in East London. We are doing all we can to make sure that the public get what they need to help them through this potentially exciting time."

Science?

Despite the reassurance of Government and institutions alike the public flew straight into panic mode with supermarkets undergoing a rush for booze, snacks and reduced mince pies. "It's been chaos," spoke supermarket greeter Richard Ace, "The beer aisle is completely empty and we're running desperately low on Jacob's Creek. As for crisps you won't get a pack of Walker's this side of Leicester."

The chance of a five day weekend also fueled the firebombing of a grit depot in Maidenhead, which saw a score of workers badly burned with salt in their wounds. To coincide with the holiday ITV also underwent a massive scheduling change by advertising a mid-week Harry Potter film marathon that has left next Saturday's evening programming open to perilous amounts of Ant and Dec.

"Further."

"We're practically slaves," claimed one Scottish retail worker, "These company's just want more and more from you, they don't regard you as people and abuse your generous nature and hard work to reduce staff and exploit you further. They may be able to take our health, time and freedom but they will NEVER TAKE OUR WEATHER!!!"

Prediction of Monday's rush hour.

Despite widespread enthusiasm many skeptics have come out to argue the statistics such as London banker Rectum Will, "The general public have once again shown themselves to be a pack of fools. I'd like a day off as much as the next person but false optimism is not the answer. We all know that the Met Office have proven time and time again that they cannot actually predict the weather beyond a shaky seven minute time frame and if people want to risk their jobs on loose findings then that is up to them. What with the huge levels of anger, frustration and aggression being furthered by corporate rape and a failing economy we need to plough on regardless of these issues."

Other critics were also vocal on the subject but having given them one paragraph we thought that covers us and so the country waits to see if Monday's hangover will be as easy to manage as they hope.

'Gategate': Scandal Exclusive

2013-01-02T20:58:00.001+00:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Semi-reliable sources inside Downing Street have leaked formally exclusive information about the property damage suffered by Conservative MP for Kinky Heath, Sebastian Flick during the attack on his home late last Thursday. What Police were originally calling a 'Gate' Crime perpetrated by a band of drunkards is rapidly being attributed to an ongoing Parliamentary war between two opposing factions within the two main political parties.

At 11.15pm on Thursday, security cameras outside Mr. Flick's Surrey home captured a lone figure as he used human excrement, spray paint and a vast array of low budget cinnamon sticks to smear graffiti and discriminatory slogans on Flick's front gate including phrases such as 'Blue Cross Sale: 15% Reduction In All Tory Support' and the not so witty 'Flick's A Fucking Fake Fuck'.

"Behind one in many."

Talk from inside and outside the Government is that the figure bares a striking resemblance to and actually is Labour MP for Lemon-upon-Lime, Funk Underwood who has shared a long standing feud with Mr. Flick which is said to be the motivation behind one in many violent attacks perpetrated by both individuals.

Underwood caught on CCTV.

The dispute is said to have initiated during a widely publicised Parliamentary five-a-side football tournament that took place in the summer of 1991 in which Underwood claimed Flick tripped him on an unopposed goal attempt that cost his constituency a place in the final. Flick in turn declared his foot never impacted on Underwood's boot and that the verbal slander was a way of overshadowing the fact that he'd in fact fallen over a piece of dirt.

"I."

"The man is a wretch," spoke Flick earlier this afternoon, "He's once again out to bring down not only myself but also himself and the Conservative Party as a whole although I bet he's the one feeling blue after today's formal identification. Dirty politics such as this reflect a frankly childlike approach to government both personally and professionally so, na nana naaana."

Indeed Flick's rebuke seems well placed as Underwood was this morning arrested on suspicion of vandalism, more vandalism, blasphemy, catnapping and pottymouth with the press dubbing the scandal 'Gategate' after the similarly recent 'Plebgate' affair.

"We're taking this matter in the most anally way possible," noted Chief Intendant Jacob Wiltshire of Scotland yard, "We're having to delve into a two decade old feud that although harmless at first quickly descended into attempted murder, arson, rape and various acts of buggery. We are only just starting to collect the relevant evidence needed to unravel these deeds but we have no doubt that this conflict branches into the highest levels of Parliament."

"We have no choice but to hand."

Former PM John Major on the
set of his popular game show
'Got Your Number. 10'.

"It was a tricky situation," spoke former Prime Minister John Major, "There was no clear evidence to prove that Underwood had fallen over the dirt and so in the spirit of Democracy it was agreed by all the members to let them battle it out over a jolly game of pranks. The ensuing physical assaults, joke phone calls, shootings and mild acts of terrorism were all well and good but the use of feces was a step too far and we had to put a stop to it. It's a shame Underwood was hard pressed for some creative inspiration and chose to attack his rival by airing his own dirty laundry but the man is a red blooded male and can't be blamed for thinking outside the skull. Now that the matter has become public we have no choice but to hand control over to the Metropolitan Police for a full investigation."

Underwood was unavailable for comment although when interviewed his doorbell piped up to sing a positive tune of his employer.

Internal Memo: Season's Greetings

2012-12-25T21:28:00.000+00:00

Dear All,

First off I'd like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and ask the person who abused the photocopying machine on Saturday's office bash to come forward. The act was neither entertaining nor clever and reflects a standard of activity far below the heraldic wit that our subscribers have come to expect from us. God knows how Gladys will react to the sight of next years paper budget being wasted on the promotion of the male member but the task will no doubt take more muscle to fix than the usual mop and bucket approach and I'll not be taking the flack for this one.

That said I'm looking forward to the Carol Concert and utter my thanks to Goodgame who has lived up to his name by faxing across the lyrics for tomorrow's festivities. Time may be against us but a little work and we'll get this baby nailed. I've had a read and must confess that my memory was in dire need of refreshing as it would appear I have little recollection of the words and the music quite escapes me having not heard it since the Upper Butterfield Midnight Mass service back in '86. So have fun with it and I'll see you all at The Plough at a prompt 5ish and we'll soil a few hearts.

Shaky xxx

Away In A Manger (Lyrics)

Hooked up with a minger,

Legs splayed on the bed,

My little poor penis,

Laid down his soft head.

Her parts in the lamplight,

Looked up where she lay,

My little poor penis,

Asleep in her hay.

The prattle is flowing,

In coldness she waits,

My little poor penis,

Sore crying he makes.

I hate thee poor penis,

Catch glance eye to eye,

Let's leave this here bedside,

'fore one of us cries.

Be with me poor penis,

Apologies I pray,

Chance takings will never,

Take home to away.

Flee all these one nighters,

In your tender care,

And take me to heaven,

When better's not there.

Cliff Richard Becomes World's First Self Stalker

2012-12-10T16:02:00.000+00:00

"It's over," Cliff at Scotland Yard.

Cliff Richard has walked himself into the ego-books by becoming the world's first self-stalker. His confession was heard by officers at Scotland Yard after he swept into the building in the early hours of this morning claiming to the victim and perpetrator of a stalking he had initiated upon himself.

After the police were presented with scrapbooks, photo logs and Richard's personal correspondence he was taken into custody and questioned before being released on bail minutes later and told to go home.

"Low and hard."

"When Mr. Richard arrived at the station we were of course distressed," claimed Chief Inspector Mark Grubber, "It's not often we see such an upstanding member of the showbiz community at our door but knowing how low and hard they fall we naturally took the confession seriously. However, despite the overwhelming evidence provided by Mr. Richard against himself we were unable to charge the scumbag with anything and have let him off with a £6.5million fine and the condition he can stay free as long as he doesn't do it again."

With the comforting flash of the paparazzi in tow Cliff read a spontaneous speech he had written yesterday on his ordeal, "It's been a trying decade for me. I've had plenty of chart records, public appearances and book deals but they just aren't enough anymore so I thought the most effective way to get myself some more exposure was with a stalker and who better to follow my every move than myself. I know him inside out and the convenience was a huge bonus. I'm brilliant and wonderful and I just want the world to know it."

Cliff performing a miracle for
the Wimbledon spectators.

Guinness official Duncan Runk was called upon to officiate the story, "We've never seen an ego or a record attempt like this. Mr. Richard is breaking every rule of accepted self admiration so much so that we can't help (and we tried) to give him anything less than the world record for the world's first self stalking, an award he will forever hold and never lose. Hopefully this will put an end to his record breaking career and encourage him to give up public life and finally retire."

"We all laughed."

Cliff continued (as if he wouldn't), "I may be modest but I'm also great, just great. It reminds me of the time I was doing something really great with all these well known celebrities and they thought I was great too because they couldn't possibly think otherwise and so I was there being great and just superb when something great happened but not great enough to take the attention away from myself and acted more of as a compliment to my presence when we all laughed, I sold another ten million records and I became even greater."

"We're being used," claimed the Press at Richard's press conference, "It feels horrible that this twisted ego is providing my children with dinner. If something isn't done to curb this monster we could have another 'Millennium Prayer' incident on our hands and the country has only just recovered from the initial bout. If he thinks he can get away with it this megalomaniac will soon be dishing out miracles, on every London street corner. We need to get him and his calendars off the street and behind some sort of bars. The fact that he isn't aware self-stalking is completely impossible and only remotely feasible in the case of a grudge laden split personality case then we shouldn't humour him."

Leslie Ash with her husband Neil
Morrissey before her accident.

Further anger came Cliff's way when he ignored Leslie Ash's protests that she herself had attempted the same stunt in 2003 after her Homebase contract had ended claiming, "The self stalk is a classic that I started years ago to get myself another series of Merseybeat after my surgical complications. If anyone belongs in the record books it's me."

"I was stalking myself."

Guinness were looking into the allegations when Cliff returned to Scotland Yard with a possible grin across his face claiming to have been stalking his stalker in an act of revenge, "It started when I found out that I was stalking myself and instead of going to the proper authorities as I know to be right I took it upon myself to seek vengeance against the perpetrator by stalking him like some crazed but ethically sound vigilantly. I know this makes me appear as some sort of Superman and you'd be right but I think it is time that this sordid affair is uncovered for the world to see. I just want widely publicised justice."

Things got even more precarious when a supposed Cliff Richard lookalike named Harry Webb visited the same police station moments later claiming to be Richard's real stalker, "I've been following Cliff since his childhood days in India and I feel this man is a terrible egocentric and should be immediately admitted to a psychiatric hospital before he injures somebody."

Webb was later found belly up in the Thames and a warrant has been issued for Richard's arrest. "It's been a trying but eventful day," continued Grubber, "We just hope that this case will be solved quickly and although we haven't charged anyone yet, Mr. Richard is being held under the spotlight until further evidence can surface to his innocence, guilt or mental stability."

9/11 Did Happen Claim Theorists

2012-11-30T19:22:00.000+00:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Once again controversy and hearsay have arisen to question the events that shook the world when terrorists flew two big planes into New York's Twin Towers 134 months ago. Conspiracy theorists have put finger to keyboard as a fresh batch of evidence has been released that they say will finally prove that 9/11 did actually happen.

Blogging sites have seen increased traffic as groups of pro 9/11 conspiracy theorists (but not in that way) claim that newly released eye witness reports and satellite imaging clearly show that the US Government wasn't stupid enough to destroy one if its crowning feats of engineering for the sake of a sense of fear they could've got by dressing up some cost effective extras in black suits and ear pieces and let them parade around your local neighbourhood.

"Cover up to hide."

"It's like we've been saying all along," stuttered Max Clink author of conspiracy blog Far Out, "There was definitely some kind of cover up to hide the truth that 9/11 actually occurred. We've been campaigning for years and it finally looks like people are starting to notice."

Faked photos show a giant arrow
to have caused the attack.

"What we're dealing with here is a massive event that cannot be properly understood," he continued, "The attack on the Twin Towers breaches a mental barrier of security that has until now retained a stern sense of stability. It's going to take a decade of materialistic living to counteract these images. We are only just coming to grips with what is happening and the initial reports aren't good."

"I remember where I was the day the towers fell," stated Old Man Drudge, "It was a Sunday or some such day and I had just gotten the mower out of the car hold when I saw a gaggle of geese flying by overhead. Now I thought to myself that you don't see too many a gaggle anymore, seems to me like the geese are becoming a more hermitised bird. It must've been '86 since I saw a pair of them together, maybe even '85 and being one of my favourite winged animals it struck me as a sad affair that only zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ."

(Eye witness report taken 12th September 2001)

Reports such as these are said to have caused the initial disbelief that lead to a vague sense of happening rather than clear evidence for a genuine terrorist attack. Yet special analysts, forgers and experts have trawled through the masses of photographs, videos, interviews, videos and rubble to finally achieve what they are calling conclusive evidence.

"As far as I can make out this did happen," claimed one such expert Philip Patz, "There's doubt, like there is with everything, but I'd say this is an open and shut book and I'd go on record as saying that you'd be a fool to say 9/11 didn't happen and an even bigger one to joke about it."

Popular villain Smoke Face was
seen amongst the fires leading many
to believe a Hollywood film
was in production.

"Life is horrific."

Messages of acceptance, condolences and nonsense have been widespread with Katie Hulch of Kentucky having this to say, "The loss of life, it's horrific. I didn't think it was even possible. If it wasn't for these eye witness accounts and footage I may have gone another decade without believing 9/11 ever happened."

"It's a disgrace," claimed Sally Field (Yes that Sally Field), "Someone had to say to it."

"Our hearts go out to the people effected by this attack, even the Jews," claimed anti-Semitic preacher Caleb Funk.

One uncovered eye witness report from Manhattan resident Peter Gunk read, "I was there, I saw them towers fall and no matter how stoned I was that shit was real, you wanna know how? 'Cos I was inside them when it happened."

"People claim that."

Evidence was as far reaching as China, Madagascar and Ireland where Mrs. O'Toole of Cork proclaimed, "It's a dirty fecking business. It wasn't until we saw it on the news that we realised it had actually happened. These people claim that their Government were to blame and although they may be blameless and to blame it's clear that 9/11 did happen unlike the Holocaust which is clearly just a flight of fancy."

FAKE!!! Experts debunk widely
famous photo of a ciricle plan of death.

"We never claimed that 9/11 didn't happen," furthered Clink, "But we may have said some things that were untrue, hearsay or otherwise bollocks. What we can all agree on is that this terrible event did take place and that from the start we knew this and can only hope to move on with our lives now that the tragedy can be labelled as nostalgic and pray that a commemorative lunch box is in the pipeline."

James Brown, "Never Felt Good"

2012-11-14T19:44:00.000+00:00

by Brick Goodgame

The face of a broken man.

A never before seen documentary recently unearthed in the Polydor archives that charted the chart success of late feel good singer James Brown has finally made its way onto DVD. In a never before seen candid interview the chocolate coloured fallen star discussed his addictions to sex, drugs and Fawlty Towers, and how excessive indulgence made him feel, "A bit shit," and "Untrue to his real urges."

"One hit, I feel good."

The footage that was filmed in 1989 by Bobby Ballweather, has sparked worldwide controversy amongst the 'Fat man with an obese voice' fans, or as Brown used to refer to them, 'His Sweet Brown Army', due to its revealing content in which Brown describes his number one hit 'I Feel Good' as, "A bloody shambles," "Bollocks," and "Nothing but a chubby lie," whilst also taking time to comment on the then economic downturn and health sector troubles.

The film's director Peter Cunt spoke about his fondness for the singer, "I only knew him for a brief time. No more than a few hours, but in those few hours I think I was closer to him than anyone. Our chairs were almost touching, it was an intimate session. It shocked me to hear that James was in fact suffering with manic depression brought on by his feelings of unfulfilment at not having partied out his true dreams and that he never felt good. Sad stuff."

"Better yourself!"

A Spokesperson for the Brown family told the Guff that, "James always wanted to be a politician but his singing got in the way. It was always his dream to become the first black President of the USA but he felt he could better inspire people by singing about how to better yourself. His cocaine benders, rampant sexual encounters and inexhaustible amounts of wealth and fame were the true cost of a soul who was truly committed to getting down. Down to hard work in the aid of his fellow man."

'Getting Down In Brown Town: The Soul Searcher' premiers on BBC Four this Sunday at 10pm. Ba dum bum bum bum bump bump bump.

Hello, Hello, I'm Back Again!

2012-10-29T19:29:00.004+00:00

by Shaky Parkinson

Saturday evenings are set to take a turn for the fun with the launch of ITV's new game-show 'Gary Glitter's Sex Quiz'. The show features legendary rock n' roller Gary Glitter as he takes contestants on an insightful and entertaining journey through his sexual history and selected discography.

"Suspected kiddy fiddler is dead."

"According to our market research in today's Sun it is clear what the public want. Paedophiles," claimed ITV's Entertainment Commissioner, Kate Maddigan, "It seems any show that doesn't feature even a suspected kiddy fiddler is dead in the water. So what better way to cater to popular tastes than with a detailed look into the sexual history of one the 70's biggest entertainers. If we want to continue broadcasting through the recession we have to accept that touching kids is where the money is."

Today saw the show's pilot being filmed to a receptive audience. Various catchphrases such as 'Do you wanna win in my gang', 'Hello, Hell, I'm back again' and 'Do you wanna touch me, OH YEAH!' hit a positive tone with the audience as Glitter hit a firm stride in his presenting that left little doubt to his abilities.

"It went well out there today," claimed a post show Glitter, "I wasn't sure about the idea to begin with, but after we cracked the name everything seemed to come together. I think this show'll turn some heads, now if you'll excuse me I need to hit the Pepsi Max and chill."

"Clap Clap."

"Judging by today's upbeat atmosphere we think the quiz could easily knock Britain's Got Talent from the top of the ratings," continued Clap, "Clap followed clap throughout the recording, the sight was encouraging. Not only that but Gary is the perfect age for a late comeback and with such a successful track record we'd be silly not to launch an album off the back of the show."

Britain's Got Talent judge's Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden where outraged at the proposed competition they would soon be facing, while fellow judges Alesha Dixon and David Walliams embarked upon a nationwide molesting tour in a bid to boost popularity for the show. "By putting ourselves back at number one we can show the viewers that the only kind of touching that needs to be done is with our hearts," claimed Walliams, "There's a lot of talent out there and we want to get to know it."

"Disinterested by the show's content."

The general pubic were both happy, shocked, flabbergasted and disinterested by the show's content and host.

"It isn't natural," cited Glenn Spence of Carlisle, "Glitter's a singer not a presenter, this concept doesn't stand a chance."

"I'm sickened, literally," spewed Gladys Firth of Reigate, "BLUUUUUUUGHHH!!!"

"If he's covering the entire glam rock movement I'm in," John Milk of Exeter, "If not then I'm out."

"I love 'Rock and Roll Part Two' but that's as far as I'll take it," noted Pat from Bournemouth.

"This pathetic play for ratings is representative of the worst kind of television," claimed David Dunhill of Slough, "Shock tactics are FUCKING infantile. When will the media stop abusing the impressionable minds of their readers, viewers and listeners?"

Gary Glitter's Sex Quiz premieres this Saturday on ITV at 9 o'clock.

99% Of Accidents Caused By People That Aren't You

2012-10-23T21:01:00.001+01:00

by Shaky Parkinson

A new survey, christened the Falworth Paper has been released by statisticians at Manchester and Doncaster Experimental Union Polytechnic (MADE UP) claiming that 99% of all personal accidents are brought about by the interference of others. The survey tracked the lives of over ten people to determine whether their accidents were the direct result of self-bumbling or bastard external forces.

"The results were as you can guess, shocking," claimed survey leader Malcolm Flunk, "They were also enlightening, gratifying and financially justifying. We all drop things. A knife, a fork. A fresh pot of Earl Grey over our child's palms. These incidents are what we refer to as the 1%. The inevitable upsets that come with being a human being. The danger arises when the proximity between human beings increases."

"My house did the skirting boards himself."

He continued, "Like most, I am a person of reasonable mental facilities but am unable to predict exactly where and when a pedestrian will throw themselves onto the bonnet of my car, if the person standing behind me at the chippie is the mass murderer I've been hearing about, or whether the previous owner of my house did the skirting boards himself or called in someone he'd seen on Rogue Traders. It's a sick and horrific world."

"We found that accidents within high population densities were so frequent that hospitals were up to thirty times more numerous with schools of a certain size also assigned dedicated medical practitioners to cope with the influx of injuries. It was a stomach churning discovery to make when you live in East Finchley."

Flunk and his team discovered a range of injuries the general public have been inflicting upon each other ranging into the millions with low hanging party streamers, loose fruit peelings and coffee burns topping the poll of daily assaults.

"Vast consumption of strawberries."

News footage from Hedgington
Park annual cricket match.

The survey was commissioned by Lord Falworth of nearby Hedgington Park after a nasty run in with a thug at the annual village cricket match, "This blighter comes slopping onto the pitch, mouth frothing from a vast consumption of strawberries, cream and cheap ale. He proceeded to snatch my umbrella swing it around maniacally and dent the side of my bowler. It was a truly horrific and humiliating experience. Luckily the man is still in Broadmoor but is that really punishment? This new survey will hopefully cap the lid on stupidity and instill a sensible amount of reclusiveness in us all."

Conspiracy theorists were keen to syndicate a press release stating their ideological position but due to a lack of attention were only able to share a quick comment, "It is clear that the Falworth Paper exposes the truth we have long been claiming. That Elastoplast is leading the world's medical institutions in a cover-up of sensitive material that will once and for all illustrate the human races lack of hand eye co-ordination, vast stupidity and carelessness in a bid to further plaster sales."

Health and Safety official Gwent Stamp (male) was one of many civil servants to come out in favour of the Falworth Paper, "This is a significant day for Health and Safety. By isolating the countries masses we will bring about a nation completely devoid of blame and without blame the world will be entirely safe and healthy."

"Debenhams, even at the other end of the telephone."

"It wasn't until the experiment started that we became aware of the potential hazards around us," sobbed survey participant Deadrie Parks, "At first we thought that everything was all right. Then as the weeks went by we soon realised that there were people everywhere, in the street, behind the counter at Debenhams, even at the other end of the telephone. I had to put the children first so we upped sticks and moved to the Isle of Man where we were assured there weren't any people."

Heysham sands.

Flunk's theory of extreme hermitism has been suggested as the only cure for 'Other People' but as he later claimed, "Even in the case of Mrs. Parks the separation wasn't tough enough and although well meaning her desire to protect her children blinded her to the rising tides and shifting sands off Heysham in what proved a fatal dash for the ferry. Humanity cannot be cured, but solitary hermitism is the only sure fire way of lowering potential injury, death and maiming to within an acceptable 1% level."

A meeting of top medical officials, theorists and hangers on will take place at King's College London later this week, where the practical applications of the paper will be discussed at length until tea time.