So.  I’m back.  Yay!  I put down the Candy Crush in order to be here.   One would hope I’d have something real to say.  Unfortunately, not so much.

I was a total adult today, though.   My driver license expires on the 1st (yep, birthday)of December.  And I have totally managed to procrastinate up to the 27th.  HOWEVER –  I had asked my boss if I could leave at 3:30ish tomorrow to go do it.   But then I finished my work earlier than I thought I would and I was right near a DMV, so I just went and did it today.   It was relatively painless.

There was this rude person, though. Isn’t there always?   But this bitch was particularly special.   The computer was acting up so they had a chick printing the little “your number is” tickets. and I was behind her.   She asked the lady “Do you have to have proof of address?”   and the woman told her  “Yes, you do.”    I was also pretty sure that the DMV lady was speaking English.

BUT – Our friend just bopped to her seat, went when her number was called and acted totally fucking -mystified- when they told her she was going to have furnish proof of address.  Undaunted, she jumped on her phone and started making calls.  Finally, the lady that was doing license renewal was all like “yeah. You can’t do that here.”   and the girl is all like  “Well, It’s my turn.  I need my Dad to bring up a bill.”   “Yeah, no.  You can come back when you are -ready-.”

I was quite pleased.  Being directly behind this hot-pot of magic, I could so see myself being made to wait for her Dad.   Anyway, so it is my turn then.  I’m all prepared.  The woman was all like “is your license expired?”  “Nope.”  “Can I see that?”  I whip out the old license.

She glances at it. Did you bring proof of residence?  I pull out my freshly printed gas bill.  she accepts that.  “We’re good to go!”   “What?  Really? You don’t need my passport, paid tax receipt,  proof of insurance, etc”   “No.  BUT  – As soon as you hadn’t brought it, I promise I would have decided I desperately needed to see them”

My picture is horrific.  But then again, when aren’t they?  I’m always impressed when I see a good driver license photo.  Oh yeah.  My last DMV tidbit.   So I was doing the sign bit.  I had had a ton of trouble with the eye test because I wear my glasses during and the way they were sitting, my nose wasn’t triggering the lights and stuff right.  But yeah, I’m whipping thru the signs  “STOP!” “MERGE!” “NO LEFT TURN” “NO U-TURN”  “Oh. um. i recognize that, but I have NO IDEA what that is”   “Do you want to guess?”  “sure.  ……………CAUTION?”  “no.  DO NOT ENTER. It is confusing because there are no words on this one.”  “*staring at it for a second* It sure is, isn’t it?”

Pretty pleased with me, willing to face a DMV, -after- a Monday ,-after I had an entire week off.   That lady was fabulous.   I think we were destined to be best buds.  I think she thought so, too.   Until I didn’t want to be an organ donor.   I think she was done with me, then.

It’s been quite a ride, and at the same time, not really much.   So busy with nothing, you know?  It’s exactly like what Maria Bamford says  “Reaching my full potential would really cut into my ‘sit around’ time.”  However, I promised myself I was not going to offer a million excuses as to why I haven’t posted.   Just “I’m here now.” and let it go.

I think I’m here for one of the dumbest reasons I can think of.   I was reading Lauren Graham’s book (yes, the Gilmore Girls chick)  and her section about writing really resonated with me.   The  “kitchen timer method.”   I found myself thinking “OMG I MUST TRY THAT!!!!!”  and here I am.

I have one cat sat in Mr. L’s computer chair watching me.   One sprawled on the rug napping next to me, and one standing on the printer (Evil Magic Box), peering out the window (also screwing up my blinds).

Reading has been one thing that kept me busy this year, especially.  I have clocked 136 books on GoodReads so far in 2017.  While I think, honestly, about 20 of them, I did not finish,  116 is a pretty big number.    Some of them have been very short, or whatever.

I realized recently that I started reading “adult” books super young, pre-10 probably, a HUGE amount of “obligatory” children’s reads were never read by me.   The Secret Garden,  Matilda, etc…    Matilda was so cute – However, I never had any idea of the super power aspect.  That part sort of lost me where up til then, I’d been so into it.

Another unrelated little share:   Today, Mr. L and I decided to go have lunch and we got to talking about Star Wars and the new movie.  And as he was taking his turn to be the talker, I was listening, but also thinking about how in the 3rd movie, they’d have to adjust for no Leia, I found myself misting up.   I told him “If I ever doubt my own commitment to StarWars, remind me that just thinking about a galaxy without her, literally makes me cry.”  He was all “You are a HUGE StarWars nerd.  You won’t.”

So.. to stay with this whole KITCHEN TIMER method, I should not be sat here pushing buttons on this site.  It’s super hard, you know, because it’s so different than when I was here last time.   I just got a little dialogue box that told me on the business account I could add a button that will let people pay me, buy tickets, take donations.   Ha!  “Hai Guyz! want to give me some money?”

So that up there, is Sophie.    She’s not as tiny as all that, but doesn’t she look like a comic book villian?   Or Pinky?   I think we took that picture on the day we got her, which was a little more than 3 years ago, now.

Just like always, I would have thoughts “ooo, should totally write about that!” and if I didn’t write it down, it’d be gone.  Here is hoping I will stay motivated to  find those little bubbles of ephemera and try.

OH WAIT!   I almost forgot!   While I was on …hiatus? (LOL)  I passed my 10th Blogversary!  Actually, next month will be my 12th.   Yay me!.

Bye for now!

From time to time, one should take a moment and try those things on.  I believe it’s very important to feel bad about yourself.

I recommend trying those things on when you’ve had an other wise good day.  Because the kick in the ego can be particularly harsh.

That was on April 10th. I stand by that assessment.

Two nights ago, though, I went through my basket; call it my bi-monthly check. I actually culled it down quite a bit. 3 pairs of pants came into the regular rotation of my clothing. 6 items I decided I didn’t actually like anyway and they had to go.

I don’t believe in keeping things in the closet or drawers that you can’t actually wear. There are things that I’m not going to throw away that I generally *don’t* wear. Well to be honest, I have enough clothing that hardly anything gets worn …frequently.

When I sit in this chair, I often have a new accessory: A Shoulder Cat. He hops up on the back of the chair and drapes himself in several different ways depending on his reason for the visit. He might be wanting to nuzzle my cheek to tell me “Bitch, it’s time to pay attention to ME.” Other times, he watches what I’m doing on the internet, you know, just typical supervision.

I keep setting this one aside and picking it back up. That last bit was June 7th. I guess this is the post that I add my little clothing rambles. Several posts went up thru polyvore. What a fun little toy that is! I could think about clothing almost endlessly so making outfits for ME is too much fun!

Today started very nice and then went to hell very quickly.   I got up early and went to hang out with my mom.   We went to the two thrift stores we like to go to. We had lunch.   We chilled a little at her house. I left about 4 and came home.

Everything was fine. Renee was kind of fussy and hyper? but I just assumed because it was past 430 and she wanted to eat.  about 20 minutes after I get home, I decided “what the hell” and went to feed them both right then.  But it was only her.  I call for him and he doesn’t come. It’s odd that he’s not there to see me when I walk in thru the door.

As soon as I hit the second bedroom, I realized what must have happened.  The screen on one of the windows had given way and there was DEFINITELY a cat sized opening.   I didn’t know if he fell out the window or if he climbed out.

I slipped on flipflops as I full on panicked.  Grabbing my keys and my phone, I did lock the door.  But all I could think about was my poor boy who has never been outside in his entire life.  Hurt or attacked by an animal or animal control got him.

I ran down to the courtyard and I called out “Kitty? Where are you?”  I almost IMMEDIATELY heard him.   He can be ridiculously loud when he wants to be.  Within 5 seconds I have located him.  He is down on the sunken patio of the garden level apartment below mine.   There is a big …I think it is a vault kind of safe out there. it seems just decorative but he has wedged himself almost underneath it and behind it and is absolutely unwilling to come out.

I knew that he was aware I had found him because he started yowling up a blue streak.  I think the translation was “GET ME AND TAKE ME HOME RIGHT FUCKING NOW!”   So while he is carrying on, Renee is sat at my balcony door and every time HE meows, she does too.  In solidarity.  I’m very nearly in tears.

Those neighbors are not home.  I do not know who to call.  I can’t vault the little fence around the patio cuz it’s about 6 foot high wrought iron poles and then about a 5 foot drop below that.   I’m pacing around trying to decide if this is worth calling the police when a neighbor pops her head out onto her balcony “WHAT IS GOING ON?”

“My cat accidentally got outside . he’s trapped himself down here. He’s freaking out and I can’t figure out how to get to him.”  LUCKILY – this girl works for the complex.  She has a passkey and she says “do you think he will hurt me if I try to get him?”  “Honestly- He might. I don’t know if he is hurt and he doesn’t like strangers in the best of circumstances. ”

Her:  “Right. You go in there and get him. ”

She opened that patio door and as soon as he saw MOMMY he started crying harder.  So I was sure he had injured himself.  But as I reached over and took hold of him, I touched paws, legs, shifted my hand under his belly and he seemed fine.

As soon as he realized I had hold of him, he was almost hugging me with his paws he quieted down for a second.  But almost immediately started yowling again.  “GET ME HOME RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT!”

This is where the trouble started, I unlocked the door and set him down on the floor in the apartment. And Renee lost.her.shit.

She was growling at him and hissing.  Giving me dirty looks and trying to keep him away from her.   He was just terribly confused.   I was too, actually.  2 hours later she is still tripping out.

I’m not sure if she lost his smell and she thinks “NEW CAT AND THIS BITCH BROUGHT HIM”  or if she is furious that we BOTH left her alone for SO VERY LONG.  I’m betting its the smell thing so I guess I just need to wait it out.

Again with the title, we’re so dysfunctional.

Not that I eat burritos.  I mean, I do, but Chipotle is for LOW CAL noshing.  My burrito bowl that leaves me stuffed is less than 500 calories.  Cuz I do not get rice.   I don’t feel it’s that big of a sacrifice.  Rice just doesn’t …do it for me.

This could turn into just a random mishmash of little shares.   Because I immediately went to change the subject to  “my pants are missing a button.”  I need to replace it. I can sew a button, as a matter of fact.  That is the sum total of my sewing skills, but I can sew the shit out of button replacements.   I hadn’t realized my pants were missing said button when I bought them at the thrift store. But hey, they were 25 cents.  One can’t bitch too hard at that.  Especially when they are so cute.   Grey capri cargo pants.

That was not my original outfit this morning.  It was a strange morning.  I had it in my mind to wear a certain skirt today. A favorite, grey tshirt material cotton.  I had thought perhaps it was a little big but then I got it on and realized “Yep.  Too big now.”  I was going to say “fuck it” and wear it anyway.  I had even decided on a pair of heels, though I would need to wear some sort of …stockings.  So I reached in to the place where they live and came out with this grey pair of panty hose.

Totally unidentified.  No idea where they came from.  I got them on with the shoes and the skirt and I looked down and realized.  “You look like you think you are a fucking figure skater.”   They were a little thick and had almost a bit of..sparkle to them.  Yeah, can’t be doing that.

So they came off along with the skirt that was nearly saggin’.  NEAR FASHION FAIL, lemme tell ya.    I did not want to change from the waist up so it was….fish around in the drawer..  GREY CAPRI CARGO PANTS.  “yep. this could work!”   got them on. Damn. button missing.  “oh well.  longer shirt.  WHO WILL KNOW?” AND I LOOK CUTE!

I love that it’s warm enough to wear skirts.  I will be rarely wearing pants from now on.   However, tomorrow is not a skirt day.  I always wear jeans and “completely cover the feet” shoes when I do a property search.  Cuz YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU WILL BE WALKING IN OR THRU.

NEXT ABRUPT CHANGE: I love when you say something that you didn’t intend for funny, and then the person you are talking to thinks it’s like the most awesome thing ever.   I hadn’t meant for it to be funny. I was just talking about LIFE..

In POINT:  Kitty.  He is a total pimp.  He even knows work days.  And even when I have a day off.. he is right there sat next to me on the bed, stroking me on the cheek or hair.  At first very lovingly  “Get up, Baby.   You know you gots to go make us that money.”  However if I don’t comply (and quickly), it gets less gentle very quickly: “Bitch – don’t make me have to repeat myself.”

I read a blog post recently on Man Repeller that was dealing with exactly that.  A new word:  Turnt.

I am still trying to decide what I think of this word.  A while ago, a friend of mine was trying to get me on board with a few words of his own creation.  They were actually quite similar.

One of them was  creamt.   At first I was “oh, hell no.”   However, if I can think something through and get it to make sense to myself, why not?

Dream.  Dreamed. Dreamt.   Why wouldn’t it or couldn’t it work the same way for a rhymed word, especially when both words are taking the forms of verbs?   Once it worked for me, I was good with it.   Cream. Creamed. Creamt.

I’m not going to USE it, mind, but I don’t automatically feel as though “No, that’s wrong.”

Kanye’s word?   I don’t think I dig it.  Even though it could follow the same structure. …. No.

See, Mom loves to learn.  Most anything. But I swear nothing makes her happier than to learn some inappropriate or “dirty” phrase. I think it makes her feel cool and hip.   Which is great, I guess, for her.  I’d be more enthused if it weren’t so often making incredibly awkward moments for me.

It almost always follows the same pattern:  She spends time with one of my brothers. He says something largely inappropriate that leaves me reeling that he would say this in front of  our mom (any mom really, but HE KNOWS HER).  She then counts the minutes until she next sees me so she can work that phrase into the conversation, (in her mind) subtly.  And then its “double dipped in awkward”  for me when she does this.

They aren’t always “dirty” , per se.  Sometimes they are just “….what?” moments.  Occasionally, I wasn’t previously familiar with the term when she introduces it to my world.   One of those that come to mind immediately was “muffin top.”

That one, there was no slickness at all.  We were out having lunch somewhere.  And yes, it was bitchy, but I don’t care. A girl rolled past with a couple of other people and based on what this girl was wearing,  I simply murmured  “Oh dear.”   Mom immediately starts giggling like a 12-year-old.  I really hadn’t thought my little comment was really that amusing.

Me:  “What’s so funny?”

Her:   *it takes at least 3 tries to be able to speak she is laughing so hard*  “Oh…it’s cuz Tommy said….”  and she bursts out laughing again.

I wait a bit for her to get herself together and against my better judgement:  “Ok? Tommy said……what?”

Evidently Tommy and she had been out a few evenings before for dinner and a similarly dressed female and crossed their path and Tommy had evidently made a similarly bitchy comment (yeah see? it runs in the family) to the tune of “Whoa! Look at THAT muffin top”

I actually had no clue what that was before this moment.  So mom schooled me on that one.  I swear that was her best day in years.   So now I know.  I also immediately came home and shared it with “The Internet.”

However, most times the exchanges are a little bit different.   A while ago, mom and I are going somewhere, I’m driving along and she’s chattering away about I don’t even know what.  And then she immediately took a conversational turn and was all “OH! I  almost forgot.  So Tommy and I were talking the other day about International Politics (They weren’t. I just don’t remember what it was, except it had NOTHING to do with what came next)  and he said something to me….”  (DRAMATIC PAUSE)

“What did he say?”

“He was talking about a mouth hug”

I blink and  just keep driving.

Mom:   HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THAT TERM?”

Me:   “yes.”

Mom:  “So you …you KNOW what it means?”

Me:  “yes.”

Mom:  “WHY HAVE YOU NEVER TOLD ME BEFORE?”  (I really think she was a little offended)

Me: “Because when we are talking, there just isn’t usually a place to work “MOUTH HUG” into the conversation.”

Mom:  “WELL NOW WE CAN BECAUSE I ….*KNOW* NOW”

I swear it’s been years since I have seen her that proud of herself.

Me:  “Yeah. No, we can’t.”

Based on these moments my mother and I have shared over the years, I have told Mr. L way more than once: “if conversation ever gets awkward with you and my mom?  Just whip out an Australian swear word or icky phrase to teach her.  She will *love* it. ”

I think he thinks I’m setting him up.  I wish I were.