News Satire Network - A Division of Foxx Snooze

Dog Days of Summer Gets Real

2018-07-01T21:20:00.000-05:00

Gardner Station,TN- There wasn't a dry eye in the house as the heroic tale was recounted in The Upper Left Tennessee Holy Lord Missionary Congregational Tabernacle of Holiness. Deacon Blues gave a concerted effort to orate the epic story of undoubtedly the greatest canine rescue mission in Weakley county history. One family, one dog. Most people will go their entire lifetime and never even pretend to know the courage and tenacity of the Richwine-Gardner Puppy reconnaissance mission of June 2018.
Jennifer Yager, no relation, decided haphazardly to buy a pair of Great Pyrenees puppies on Friday, June 29. Her husband, a kindhearted, quiet fellow, had advised that they secure the area where the young dogs would cohabitate with equine creatures. Throwing caution to the wind, lady Yager filled up a sock with Valencia oranges and beat her poor husband mercilessly. She also told him how stupid his idea was and that when he regained consciousness, he should collect his teeth and go to bed.
All seemed fine until the next afternoon, when it came to the attention of the Yagers that one of the pups had pulled a Houdini move from the horse field. With a fully equipped platoon of rag-tag soldiers of fortune and a budget of $600 million, the search commenced. Armed with only a desire for success and an anonymous phone tip, tensions ran high as the militia descended upon the neighborhood in question. Not long after, an officer by the name of Johnny Richwine (pictured below)

had employed sophisticated night-vision goggles and infrared surveillance technology. This effort coupled with a state of the art global positioning system gave Mr Richwine unbridled confidence in assessing that the canine juvenile had attempted amateur spelunking in a nearby culvert. Within nanoseconds, Richwine, under the careful and diligent supervision of Spec Ops overlord James Allen Gardner, began his descent into the underworld of northwestern Weakley county. "This is taking forever!, exclaimed an angered Mrs Yager, only 12 seconds after the start of the mission. Moments later, the flicker from Richwine's LED headlamp

began to surface, with a frightened young dog in tow.
After the rescue, a press conference was held at the dilapidated Gardner Community Center. The main topic was obviously the amazing rescue that had just transpired, yet someone from the back of the room kept asking about when the county was going to tow away and destroy a beaten down, rusted out, hunk of junk, green Ford Mustang left abandoned next door to the Gardner United Methodist Church. The protagonist of this piece, young Mr Johnny Richwine (pictured here)

, took questions from countless media outlets for what some believed to be 5 hours. The community is forever indebted to this humble hero for his bravery.

Driver ok, County pride Not-So-Much

2018-05-03T11:57:00.001-05:00

Martin, TN- As many as 7 people were slightly inconvenienced today when a car struck numerous buildings and other items in downtown Martin. The incident occurred on Lindell St. The driver, known in some parts as 'Lead foot Ann', was last seen pulling a few items from her newly smashed Dodge Caliber and running towards The Opera House. And who could blame her? Their fried crawfish tails are divine. You know, I celebrate their entire menu.
Anyway, the cause of the accident is at this time still unknown, yet an initial report from an anonymous source has been released. According to this report, there are some dangerous and ramp-like bridge transitions on US45e north of town. The driver, abiding the speed limit, hit her head and became concussed while traveling over these very unsafe transitions. Our calls to the presiding county commissioner went answered.
Almost as bewildering as this accident, it is worth noting that just beyond these perilous and undeniably treacherous road hazards lies Obion county, where they were able to easily fix their bridge transitions into a seemingly smooth roadway experience.

Road name changed to win argument

2014-05-28T16:59:00.001-05:00

Old Hickory, TN- No one is perfect. Sometimes we say things without being fully sure of what's what. Such is the case with Sirk Ager, local heartthrob and trophy boyfriend to Goodlettsville belle Kirstie Sunn.
     It all began 2 years ago when the couple were conversing about routes around the city. Sirk had recently moved to the area and was still trying to learn the highway structure, especially after Kirstie emasculated him and made him weep for hours when she realized he had lived here for one month. Things turned for the worse when Sirk unknowingly told her that his sister uses Briley Parkway to get to work downtown. After beating him unmercifully for hours with a tube sock full of golf balls, Kirstie roared with laughter and informed Sirk that he was, in fact, a dumbass.
     Was Sirk wrong? Of course, no one could successfully dispute that. The fact that he didn't know any better didn't save him from the unending emotional trauma and vicious physical attacks. When word of this misunderstanding garnered national media attention, a few million enlightened citizens stood up to help.
     The fine citizens of the Nashville metro area gathered 2 million signatures on a petition, which demands the mayor change the name of Ellington Pkway to Briley Pkway for at least 24 hours. The petition also demands that Kirstie be forced to ride standing up through the sunroof of a vehicle while traversing the newly named route a minimum of 8 times.
     The petition is slated to arrive on the mayor's desk by Friday, where it will undoubtedly be approved, despite the $439,500 price tag for changing all the signs. More to come on this story as it unfolds.

Infiniti model sinks to new low

2014-05-24T12:11:00.000-05:00

Ottumwa, IA- Shockwaves ran through the auto industry today as a new study relating vehicle model to type of person was released by the Center for Rich Aging People. CRAP releases their annual report in an attempt to save those who are well off from making a mistake regarding 'how long is too long' to be seen in a particular vehicle.
The most surprising entry into the study this year was the Infiniti FX. Apparently, owning any year of this model has made the list this year. The report goes on to suggest that the car's sultry curves and smartly designed interior are simply not enough to keep this model relevant in today's market. Agency spokesperson Kermit DeFraug announced 'These cars, although once deemed exquisite by many, are simply not as cool as they were 5 years ago. Then, the FX gave off the vibe 'Look world! I'm an up-and-coming military officer! Now it only seems right as a 'Hey, my brother gave me this ride, despite it still having a decent trade-in value. At least this way, he doesn't have to be embarrassed driving it to a dealership.'

Some critics have dismissed DeFraug's words as shenanigans, even while the market appears to have shown a sharp decline in women interested in men who own an FX.

Culprits Identified in Target security breach

2014-01-10T12:38:00.003-06:00

Corpus Christie, TX- A group of 4th graders working on a science fair project today were able to easily identify the "who" and "where" of the ongoing Target fiasco, where up to 70 million Target shoppers have had their personal and financial information stolen and sold abroad. The scandal begin to erupt during the Christmas shopping season in December, and Target has been scrambling to recover and regroup ever since. Before the Target incident, it was just assumed by most consumers that their information was treated with the utmost security in mind. Even though the breach has only been exposed at Target, other companies are feeling the aftermath, having to do what they can to convince shoppers that it won't happen at their stores. Experts and people not qualified for anything have speculated that perhaps the Target breach was an inside job, yet scientists studying the mating rituals of penguins in Antarctica believe it could anyone, including the shoppers themselves.
Those useless accusations and ridiculous notions will have to bury themselves among other idiotic conspiracy theories, as the 4th graders from Ms. Grames' class at Squidworth Elementary uncovered a massive, neck-deep, unsavory, ruthless, diabolical, downright evil plot by none other than the Wal-Mart home office Janitorial/Maintenance department. It was there in Bentonville, AR where La Mont Frallingford and Dee Jay Menkins collaborated and then initiated a clever plan to make millions, bring more business to their already thriving employer, and kill some time before the beginning of the NFL Playoffs. Charges have not yet been filed in this matter. A greeter at a nearby store declined to comment on this story or greet shoppers entering that store. Stay tuned for updates and more.

Weather in Middle Tennessee Claims Many Lives

2014-01-07T21:00:00.000-06:00

Hendersonville, TN- The arctic freeze that has gripped over half the country this week has perhaps surprised the kindhearted citizenry of Nashville more-so than other municipalities. People in Detroit, for example, are not shy about vocalizing their discontent for the cold, yet they are no stranger to it. The city of Nashville, and its surrounding metro except for White House(which sits high atop a ridge) are not familiar with such cold extremes. Too bad, exclaims Mother Nature, as Nash-Vegas, coined by queers who have obviously never been to Las Vegas, succumbed to record low temps and bone-chilling wind.
Ursula Moss, an elementary teacher, told reporters," after my neighbor refused to let her daughter play outside with my possessed child, I instantly jumped on Facebook to paint a picture that I, too, am a caring and intelligent parent. I wonder if anyone bought it." Yuri Zager, familiar with Moss, said "Moss is full of shit. She might be a decent teacher, but I mean, come on. Schools have been out for 2 weeks now. Why hasn't she updated grades and progression on the website? What a lazy, confused bitch." It might also be worth noting that Zager is President of the Passive-Aggressive Coalition of Americans for More Swearing.

One thing is certain, the next Taylor Swift song damned sure better mention someone's cold heart senselessly butchering her innocent persona. And does anyone else find it funny that the state most caught off guard by such an intense winter is home to Al Gore, inventor of global warming and the Internet? Maybe a little ironic..

True Revealed! Why Nancy Grace is a Narcissistic Bitch

2014-01-07T20:39:00.000-06:00

Bumblescrum, AK- Researchers have finally been able to end a 7 year-long study as to what causes self-proclaimed celebrity lawyer-turned-reporter Nancy Grace to be such an annoying, man-hating, stuck-up, undesirable nut case. Over the years many have speculated as to the reasons why Grace has become an overly ridiculous, self-defeating, pompous douche, and it will comfort a great number of people to know for certain what makes this succubus "tick".

As seen in this pre-op photo, Nancy Grace originally won over the hearts of millions by compassionately bringing light to heartstring-pulling stories, such as murders and child abductions. She made a name for herself by reporting with emotion and a sense of realism. Things took a turn for the worst when Grace went in for mandatory/elective rhinoplasty. Days after the procedure, a blind man heard her voice and proclaimed she was absolutely the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. An angry mob ensued and viciously dismembered the man, feeding his body to stray dogs. Unfortunately, the seed had already been planted and Grace began to think her fecal matter possessed no odor.

Sources close to Ms. Grace reluctantly point out that she has a bladder incontinence issue, and therefore cannot maintain an intimate relationship with anyone under 75. Another source disclosed that Grace is an only child, and therefore was never told to "shut up" when she definitely should have been. All this information is fine and dandy, but the research concluded only one thing, perhaps the most compelling piece to this puzzle; Nancy Grace, beloved bitch on wheels, was born into this world Nathaniel Greise. There, we said it. And now you know the rest of the story....

Sub-par the New Par

2014-01-05T09:19:00.001-06:00

Bentonville, AR- Tears of joy and screams of elation filled the homes of elitist liberals over the weekend as the dream of a "nanny state" have become more likely a reality than a fantasy. A source close to the Illuminati said Friday that the secret mega-rich dominance driven group is oh-so excited whenever they hear stories about lower class Americans crying for a higher minimum wage. Conservative groups are crying foul, unsuccessfully countering this movement by reminding Americans that with hard work, determination, and education, a worker can "climb the ladder" and that minimum wage jobs are merely a launching pad in the workforce.
"I can't live on my own and raise my 6 children with a $8hr job", states Janice Browerman. "Even with WIC, food stamps, Section 8, and the numerous church food pantries I visit weekly, it's tough. What do they expect us to do? Not have children until we are fiscally responsible? Focus on education and get a better job? Whatever." Janice represents the sentiment of many Americans out there, holding hands out to receive help as opposed to improving their situation.
Independent political groups are weighing in on this subject as well. James Middleton, toilet-brush magnate and bathroom entrepreneur, suggests that the solution needs to come from both sides of the aisle in Washington. "It's quite simple, really. If you could get the left to curb their extremism, and the right to curb their extremism, then you have an environment where legitimate solutions would flourish and just maybe, society could emulate the Congress and stop the madness." Unfortunately, Middleton was severely beaten to death by congressional toilet brushes soon after making that statement. Extremists on both sides took credit for the killing.

Doppelganger Alert! Underground papparazi exposes theory that Winona Ryder and Lisa Bonet are the same person!

2011-10-25T19:16:00.000-05:00

Crawford, NE- Heads spun in Hollywood today when the bombshell accusation flew that Winona Ryder and Lisa Bonet are actually the same person. Most people associate Ryder with hit movies like Beetlejuice(1986) and Heathers(1989), although she has been involved in many more films. Lisa Bonet is probably best known for her work on The Cosby Show, yet she did appear in several films such as Enemy of the State and High Fidelity. Rumors of them being the same person flowed rampantly after two people were arguing while in line at Starbucks. Sources familiar with the Starbucks were unable to identify either person arguing, but upon further investigation they determined that one of the guys yelling was toting a satchel/purse thingy. Here at NSN, we can't call it; you decide.

Someone lost an eye, Fun and Games canceled

2011-10-22T15:02:00.000-05:00

Hastings, NE- Tragedy struck the Phaggett household early Saturday morning when Bubba Joe Phaggett, pictured below, was stabbed in the eye from an errant lawn dart thrown by his nephew, Bart Phaggett. Ordered to play outside by Mrs. Ima Phaggett, Bubba and Bart decided to play a version of "Chicken" with the lawn darts. The objective of the game was to stand still about 30 ft away from the opposing player as that player hurls the dart at the other player. Points are earned by not flinching and bonus points are awarded for not moving when struck by the dart. Late in the seventh round, things were looking good for Bubba, who had amassed a 175 point lead over Bart. Sensing the upcoming loss and the gloom that comes with it, young Bart decided to give it his all and aimed for an upper-body shot on Bubba. The trajectory of the throw was impressive- a beautiful spiral destined for glory! Bubba stood stoic, confident that Bart's throw was going to sail over his head. Unfortunately, the dart struck the pupil of Bubba's right eye and burrowed into his eye socket. Bubba fell to the ground screaming, garnering the attention of Ima who immediately called for an ambulance. Meanwhile, Bart was still celebrating the come from behind victory by dancing and screaming with glee. Ima yelled for him to come over to her, where she chastised him for his deed and informed him that he was to spend the rest of the day locked in the storm shelter. It was at that moment that Bart realized his fun was over.

Bubba Joe, seen after the accident.

Miami Dolphins coach's choice of glassware explained

2011-10-21T23:28:00.000-05:00

Wasilla, AK- After much confusion and many sleepless nights of research, officials at the Pentagon released their complete, unabridged report on why Tony Sparano, head coach of the Miami Dolphins, wears sunglasses during every game and team related functions. The 23,400 page report outlines exactly the reasons Sparano chooses to wear the tinted shades, even at night. Contrary to an earlier conspiracy theory that suggested Sparano's future was so bright that he had no choice but to wear shades, lab documents confirm that Sparano dons the dollar store sunglasses so that he doesn't have to witness the many failings of the Dolphins' season, including Brandon Marshall dropping perfectly thrown passes. A close friend, who must remain anonymous due to the sensitivity of this bombshell, announced to our staff that Sparano likes to wear shades to all the games because he's completely baked on marijuana. In fact, this source claimed that at the last game, where Miami played host to the New York Jets, Tony was so high that he thought the Dolphins won. We caught up with Tony and when we asked him about the Pentagon's report and the accusation of drug abuse, all he could say was, "Dude, that's awesome!"

Weinergate just the Beginning

2011-06-09T19:12:00.000-05:00

   Odell, NE: The scandal involving Rep. Anthony Weiner and several women via Internet and Twitter is all the rage for the mainstream media at the moment. The GOP is calling for his resignation, while Pelosi and co. are starting the investigation process. Here at NSN, we find this hilarious and ironic. Is it really a surprise that someone named Weiner would send a woman a pic of his, well, wiener? If you are even slightly creative, picture this: imagine the second after he sent that photo. Wait, did I just send that to over 40,000 people? Oh, man, to be a fly on the wall in that room! Too funny!
   Rep. Weiner should probably do the right thing and resign. Lying to the public is nothing new for politicians, but when you're caught, you're caught. This will follow him indefinitely. At least if he resigns, he can sway the spotlight away from him somewhat. Good leaders know when to lead; great leaders know when to follow. Right now, Weiner is doing neither. We wonder what his wife thinks of all this. How do you continue a marital relationship with someone you know likes to meet people online? He is vigilant in stating that he had no intentions of ever meeting these women in person, but isn't his credibility shot?
     Countless jokes and shtick have appeared almost everywhere, from late night talk shows to casual water-cooler chit-chat. We're just not that surprised that someone named Weiner would snap a pic of his junk and send it to people. Our attention is focused on some other congressional members with weird names and the possible scandals to arise in due time. We've listed a few here, and if we missed someone, send us an email.

Phillip Chode(D) Minnesota: Someone will have to help him take a quality picture here, but stay tuned. We give this one a year or less to materialize. The best thing to come out of this will be "chode" entering the dictionary with the appropriate definition.

Richard "Dick" Rammin(I) Texas: Rammin is no stranger to scandals. He somehow survived a vicious scandal in high school, where he was rumored to have sodomized the school mascot at New Braunfels High School. One thing is clear; he likes sodomy and/or he likes unicorns. You make the call.

Rick Santorum(R) California: We don't even feel the need to speculate here. If you're not familiar with what the word santorum means, we suggest a quick google search(NSFW).

Sound Heard at Night Ends Up Being Nothing

2011-06-05T12:33:00.001-05:00

Grayson, CT: Erma Jo Linden was frightened last night about 10PM as she swore she heard something stirring in the backyard of her family's backyard. After repeated jabs to side, her husband rose out of the bed and went to investigate. Armed with a fully loaded AR-15, some suntan lotion, and a pack of graham crackers, Jeb Linden descended the staircase slowly in anticipation of seeing something. After an exhaustive search, Jeb found nothing. Knowing how paranoid his wife is, he unloaded the clip of the AR on an unsuspecting garden gnome. He then retired to the bedroom and described an intense stand-off between himself and a rag-tag gang of raccoons hellbent on world domination one garden at a time. Satisfied, Erma Jo dozed off to sleep and all was still at the Linden house, until of course the local sheriff arrived at the scene around 4:30AM investigating the shots fired. Jeb was taken into custody and threatened his wife by saying there would be "hell to pay" if she didn't bail him out and serve him a wonderful breakfast.

Doomsday Prognosticator Off By One Day

2011-05-22T05:34:00.003-05:00

Rancho Cucamonga, CA: The world turned as usual on Saturday, May 21st. Some people partied, others went to work. Some just simply enjoyed the weekend as they had planned. A few, inspired by Harold Camping's delusional ideology, spent what they thought were their last hours spreading their misguided message. Then 6 o'clock pm struck: nothing happened.
     Camping, a retired civil engineer, has been here before. He believed the end was near in 1994, prompting him to write a book about the events that were to take place. Sadly, some people are just born stupid and Camping, officially nominated 2011's "False Prophet of the Year" front-runner, was able to amass vulnerable, simpleton groups of lost souls to once again spread the word of the earth's impending doom. Camping claimed to have used scripture and mathematics to obtain May 21st, 2011 as the 7,000 year anniversary of the flood in which Noah built the ark and saved 2 of every animal. He was quoted on television as saying there was no way that the rapture wasn't going to happen. Unfortunately, and again, he was wrong.
     People that claim to be devout in a quest for spiritual enlightenment probably saw this coming. Although we here at NSN have no use for any version of a bible, we spoke to Dr. Natas Kappas, a professor in theology at the Blessed Earth Seminary and Vacation Bible House. He began our interview laughing at the notion that the rapture would take place in accordance with time zones and move along in such a pattern. Dr. Natas was quick to point out that even though he now believes most of the New Testament to be a complete forgery, the books throughout the bible spell out in easy to understand terms that NO ONE here on earth would, could, or will ever know when God is to return and start the Armageddon. Some versions take it a step further and suggest that even Jesus or the Holy Spirit do not and will not know of this event of all events. Dr. Natas also pointed out that the scripture warns of men falsely representing themselves as men of God. Some verses suggest that men will try to predict when and where the earth's final days will take place. We'd like to point out that the punishment for such atrocities back in those times was death.
     What is most hilarious about all this doomsday propaganda is how senile believers signed up and paid money for pet care after the rapture. Take a minute if you have it and Google pet care after the rapture: many sites come up, promising to care for your pets should you be amongst the saved. If you were certain that you were not heading to heaven, you could join several pages on Facebook of rag-tag organizations planning great looting and squatting parties.
     Predictions can be fun. We here at NSN have some you might want to take note of:

May 22nd, 2011: Harold Camping is taken out of his home by penniless former followers and beaten to death.

May 23rd, 2011: The US government still is riddled with corruption and greed as Republicans and Democrats continue the fight to determine who gets to cause the collapse of the country.

Feb. 12, 2012: Gold hits $5400 as many foreign countries decide to return to a resource-based currency.

March 7th, 2012: Glenn Beck, in a heart-felt press release, confirms that even though they differ on their political beliefs, he finds Al Gore so damn sexy and he shares with reporters pictures of an ice cave in Norway where the two are to marry and live out their days sodomizing each other until the heat from their passion truly creates Global Warming.

June 12th, 2012: Upset that often their drive-thru orders are completely screwed up, many Americans vow to "look in the bag" at the window before pulling away to make sure they got what they paid for.

June 13th, 2012: The same idiots forgot what they vowed yesterday and got a fish sandwich instead of the faux meat McRib they were looking forward to.

December 22, 2012: Americans stare out of their windows in disbelief as the world continues its course despite them having watched movies and reading fictitious books about how the 21st was supposed to be the last time they went to their jobs they hate. The rest of the world laughs, as they knew it was only the end of the Mayan calendar cycle, and a new cycle begins.

     You heard it here first, folks. Mark your calendars, start your office pools. And have a super day.

Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" actually a Battle Cry to Transexuals (Opinion)

2011-05-15T21:16:00.000-05:00

   Gainesville, FL: Musical acts come and go. One hit wonders line the charts. Teen sensations take the music by storm and then eventually fizzle. However, Lady Gaga's meteoric rise has many, many people talking. Some love her style and creativity. Others are mesmerized by her flamboyant videos and clothing preferences. Others paint a picture of an overnight celebrity now desperately clinging to fame by recycling others' works. The list goes on and on.
   Now, "Born This Way" enters the scene. This video is most interesting, almost a poster child for anorexia or maybe that looking filthy is the new "in". Watch the video here if you haven't seen it. The intro suggests that Gaga is goo-goo for George Lucas or Star Wars© in general.
   Once the music actually starts, so does the time machine. A worked-over rebuilt Madonna's "Express Yourself" is the first thing to come to mind. The video could suggest that Lady Gaga might have been born Lord Gaga.

Editor's Prediction: More close calls with plagiarism or copyright infringement to come from Lady Gaga.

Birthers Explained

2011-03-28T10:08:00.001-06:00

Reading, PA: For years now, marginally educated Tea Party members have enjoyed regurgitating the Obama birth certificate issue. They claim that because he hasn't publicly shown his birth certificate, he is ineligible for the office of the President. It's also reported that they insist Pluto is still a planet, yet that is another issue for another article.
In an attempt to educate those otherwise unknowing of the constitution, DNP chairman Beau Dega released this memo: "Allow me to recite the passage of the constitution regarding this issue. No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States." The GOP declined comment, but it was overheard at a diaper-changing station in a bathroom at McDonald's that the Republican party was considering going door to door in a effort to teach Tea Party members how to read.

Mentally Handicapped Star emerges from YouTube (News Satire)

2011-03-16T19:22:00.000-06:00

Fargo, ND: Viral videos are all the rage these days, and this week's submission is sure to rock and educate you. This new video is sweeping the nation with mixed determinations of what it's about or even what the lyrics are. Rebecca Black makes her debut with "Friday", a song obviously written by an uneducated pre-teen. The song starts its saddening descent quickly, as she rushes to the bus stop only to be picked up by her friends. At that moment, she is confronted with her first of many major dilemmas; where to sit. "Which seat can I take?", she sings, as if this is a milestone for her. At this point in the video, the viewer may notice that almost everyone in the video needs to rush out and buy some acne medication. Also worth noting is that only two lines of lyrics have rhymed out of at least eight. This is also the part of the song where you hear auto tune gone wrong. The chorus, which is reported to say "Friday", actually sounds more like "fried egg". It gets progressively worse. The chorus rambles on to an infantile "Partyin', partyin', Yeah! Partyin', partyin', Yeah! Fun, Fun, Fun, Fun, Lookin' forward to the weekend!" Yes, you read (or heard) it correctly. Fun said four times in a row. As if we needed more proof that 'No Child Left Behind' has failed us as a nation. Things turn to educating when she breaks down the days of the week, noting that "Yesterday was Thursday, Today it is Friday". Then we do a u-turn into some grammatically pitiful expression of "we we we so excited, we so excited, we gonna have a ball today. Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards, I don't want this weekend to end". The video continues this lack of style, and then, BAM! Some pedophile rapper enters the scene, talking about being in the front seat and the back seat and switching lanes. He's all excited because he saw a school bus. Coincidentally, he also chooses to only rhyme two of his lines. As the song reaches the best part(the end), you are treated to repetitive chorus abuse and then you can schedule that lobotomy to maybe forget this horrible, wretched song.
Maybe we're being too harsh here. We should support singers with down syndrome every chance we get. At least they found the guts to perform. But one has to ask, where's that one sensible family member, that one voice of reason that says, 'this is a bad idea'? Apparently, there is no one like that in this girl's house. We all know that the education system is failing us; do we really need more proof shoved in our faces?

NFL and NFLPA Agree on Some Things (News Satire)

2011-03-08T16:03:00.000-06:00

Cooter, MO: Joyous screams rang out today in Washington, D.C. as the NFL and the NFLPA let out of session from mediation. The road to here has been riddled with contractual pot holes and financial road construction, yet members of both sides considered today a 'win-win'.
After mid-morning deliberations, items came to a vote. It was then determined by a unanimous consensus that both sides "thoroughly enjoy Girl Scout cookies". Unfortunately, fistfights broke out and furniture was sent flying when the two sides began talks over which flavor was the best. Tensions escalated when the room was divided into flavor representatives comprising of The Thin Mints, The Caramel Delights, and The Thanks-a-lots. At the time of this release, the fighting was still ongoing and no one appeared to be offering concessions except for Girl Scout Troop #319, which had set up sales in the hallway, offering cookies and lemonade. When asked about the negotiations regarding the inevitable lock-out, NFLPA spokesperson Natrone Fumbels said, "Hell, we've completely forgotten about that!"

Glenn Beck to move to CBS (News Satire)

2011-03-08T15:32:00.002-06:00

Bucksnort,TN: In an inexplicably startling move, Glenn Beck spokesperson Glenn Beck announced a myriad of changes to his career. First and foremost, after much backroom deliberation and tedious contract negotiations, Glenn Beck announced Friday that in six months he will replace funnyman and TV game show host Drew Carey on The Price Is Right, CBS's flagship game show. At the time this story broke, Mr. Carey was unavailable for comment but a man sitting on a bench commented that such a move was "without a doubt the dumbest thing I've heard today". The Price Is Right has been considered by many to be the best TV game show in America, and it's definitely the longest-running.
     Critics are already up-in-arms over Beck's desire to change the ever-popular phrase "Come on down!" to a more polarizing "Bring your liberal, freeloading, unaware ass on down, to bid on outsourced-produced merchandise made anywhere but here!". This is much to the chagrin of the show's producers, who say such a move will undoubtedly cause advertisers to pull out. Furthermore, Beck plans on eliminating the LCD displays on Contestants Row and all games, to replace them with small chalkboards, reminiscent of his conspiracy-driven show on Fox News.
     Adding insult to injury, Beck also wants to change the avatar on the Cliff Hangers game( you know the one, with the mechanical mountain climber, where you yell "stop!" when he's hovering over what you believe to be the price of the prize you're playing for) to a PhotoShop rendition of George Soros, in his never-ending quest to continually alienate the Jewish community.
   The producers ultimately shot down Beck's proposal to add Obama's face to the game pieces used in Plinko. Several other changes were dismissed. An anonymous Fox News associate claimed that the network was pleased and had been looking for a way to distance themselves from Beck's never-ending mongering of fear. The associate went on to suggest that if Beck would just return to smoking pot, he might be a lot quieter.

Prison Break to get new spin-off (News Satire)

2011-01-18T20:56:00.001-06:00

     Due to the overwhelming success of Fox's Prison Break, the show's writers have pitched a new story idea that involves a character actually breaking into prisons and blending into general population detention areas. Unlike Prison Break, the show will take place in several correctional facilities across the US and will center around a new main character every week.
     "The idea is revolutionary, since everyone seems to break out of prisons instead of into them", said pilot cast member Hemlock Smith. He went to say that even though it's kind of cheesy to take a successful idea and basically turn it upside down to make a show, he's grateful for the chance to be involved and has already given notice at his current job as a snow plow driver in Miami. "There was not much work for me in Miami, so I'm chomping at the bit to start filming!" Smith exclaimed.
     The writers are still working with Fox, who has yet to announce that they would pick up the show. Test named Prison Sneak In, the show is already gathering steam with sponsors willing to advertise during the show, regardless of time slot. The pilot will truly make-or-break the show, set in rural Alabama. Quinton DePuy, played by Winchel Schleckler, rocks the boat and the prison staff by seeking a conjugal visit to his lover, Benito Johnson, played by Frincente Vance. The issue will be a first for TV as no one is sure about gay rights involving married sexual partners when one of the partners is incarcerated. The writers would not comment further on the pilot, but analysts are willing to bet that the visit is granted and thus, sets the stage for the prison break in.
BREAKING NEWS: Fox has just announced that they will pick up the show for 21 episodes, airing Tuesdays at 11pm. KY personal lubricant, made by Johnson & Johnson, will be the show's main sponsor.

Chevy sales on the rise despite crappy cars

2011-01-18T14:27:00.000-06:00

Humboldt, TN: GM CEO Gibbler Motormouth announced that Chevrolet models are selling quite well, despite the fact that today's Chevy models are the lowest quality models ever made by the company. Motormouth also praised NAFTA for allowing GM and its' subsidiaries the ability to ship jobs overseas and thus, make the company even more profitable. GM has been through some tumultuous times lately, from being bailed out by the US government to shutting down popular brands like Pontiac and Oldsmobile.
"We are ever so grateful to the American public for letting us rape them financially and still buying our products. Only in America could a corporation sell out to the Chinese and still gain market share here in the states. No wonder Wal-Mart did this kind of thing years ago!", Motormouth exclaimed, before being ushered away from reporters covering the press release. There are still so many questions left unanswered, such as a report from Detroit that the Aveo might soon be sold at Wal-Marts nationwide for as little as $1400.

"I'm outraged! We bailed them out, we should all get free cars!", said Jim Friebee, after watching the press release on Fox News. "Too big to fail? How about too stupid to continue? My friend Gregory Yappollotte owned a small newspaper in Alliance, Kansas, and no one's offered him a bailout. How are the 47 subscribers to his paper supposed to get their news? The bureaucracy has failed us". Friebee then hopped into his 1985 Chevy Caprice and started cursing. He was last seen in the parking lot asking strangers if they had a set of jumper cables.

Church's Chicken Offers Drive-Thru Prayer Vigils (News Satire)

2011-01-18T06:40:00.000-06:00

     In a stunning move today, Church's Chicken has unveiled plans to offer drive-thru prayer services. The company hopes to expand the service outside of the test-market, and eventually offer dine-in specials like "Honey Biscuits and Hymns" and "Chicken Communion".
     "We are so excited to put this plan into motion" says Church's public relations director, Rev. LeGuardo Tenochilteria. "A few years ago, we ran commercials with someone calling one of our locations asking, 'Who's your pastor?' and due to an overwhelming resurgence with many more callers seriously demanding to speak with the lead clergy at our stores, we feel that this program fits the needs of our patrons. I mean, like, come on. We have 'Church' right in the name of our stores."
     Customers can simply drive up to the speaker, order a 10 piece mixed box, and receive 3 minutes of counsel from a non-denominational person of the cloth. Smaller time slots are allowed for individual meals orders, while those who order the 20 piece family meal deal can opt for a 9 minute service, complete with 2 prayers, 1 hymn, and 2 scripture readings.

Goldschlager Blamed For Bank Deposit Mishap (News Satire)

2011-01-18T00:57:00.000-06:00

     It seemed like a normal winter day in Belton, Missouri. Bank teller Randy Kaiser showed up for work promptly, as he'd done so many times before. Having recently returned from a vacation to Sacramento, coupled with staying at a Holiday Inn Express, nothing could have prepared him for the bank's first customer of the day. In walked Ben Dawson, a slightly older gentleman, silver hair and an odor emitting from him that suggested days of hygiene neglect, proud binge drinking, and late night jaunts to Taco Bell in search of Fourth Meal. Dawson entered the Belton Bank and Trust carrying what appeared to be large Ziploc freezer bags of melted chocolate shakes. He thrust the bags onto the counter at Kaiser's window, and that's when the smell hit Kaiser like a ton of bricks.
     "Can I help you?", Kaiser coughed out, trying not to vomit. Dawson tried to explain his intentions with the Ziploc bags of feces. Unfortunately, Dawson appeared still quite inebriated and his words were jumbled and slurred. Kaiser was able to figure out that Dawson had been drinking Goldschlager for six days straight. He also gathered from Dawson's story that he(Dawson) had been plagued with explosive projectile diarrhea for the past three days. Oddly enough, Dawson had collected most of his excrement. Dawson wanted to deposit his butt mud into his account, citing that the average bottle contained around $4 worth of gold flakes. With 6 bags of speckled poop slush, he insisted that his account be credited no less than $22.
   "We've never seen or heard anything like this" bank president Herbert Honeywagon asserted. "Sure, the liqueur has gold flakes in it, but that's really just a novelty of the libation. We are not in the business of filtering out gold from our account holders' poops and peeps. That's just nasty."
     The police were called and Dawson was escorted out, screaming "I know my rights!". The bank declined to comment further on the incident, but a bank official, who wished to remain anonymous due to an ongoing investigation, said that the bank's website had been updated. A new line in the bank's online Terms of Service insists that customers are not allowed to bring fecal matter into the bank for any reason.

MTV press release on "16 and Pregnant" (News Satire)

2011-01-17T19:48:00.000-06:00

MTV spokesperson Bartholomew Ignos issued statements and answered questions today regarding their self-proclaimed hit "16 and Pregnant". Ignos spoke to a crowded room, much to the surprise of everyone. MTV Public Relations director Julie Doomie began the meeting with laughter and amazement of just how many reporters showed up to cover the event. "We had no idea real people even cared about this show!", Doomie exclaimed before introducing Ignos. Here is an excerpt of the press release:

   *James Roundtree, Babies Having Babies Magazine: Mr. Ignos, when the think tank of drunken sodomites got together and pitched this show, did anyone have any idea of the greatness it would become, or realize the advertising revenue boost that it would bring us here at Babies Having Babies?
Ignos: Thank you for your questions. Well, first I must tell you that to our knowledge, there were no drunken sodomites involved in the original ideas surrounding the show. As you already know, Ben Rutgarten, a veteran cameraman, was later convicted of sodomy, but that was while vacationing in Thailand. In regards to the show's initial development, the first day of planning for the show was actually a "Bring your kids to Work" day. Two of the seven producers involved had their 15 year old daughters with them, both expecting. As a group they ascertained that if they could somehow glamorize young girls having babies, then the two female panelists could afford nannies, and thus, stay working at MTV. As for your increased ad revenue at your fine publication, we were contacted by an anonymous Illuminati official, who made it clear to us that increasing your circulation was in integral part of their plan for a new world order.
   *Grover Indabut, Junior Skeetcollector Condoms: Thank you, Mr. Ignos. Unfortunately, our condom sales have plummeted since the show began. We want to promote our product as another safeguard against pregnancy and sexually-transmitted disease, but we need something drastic to regain market share. Aside from commercials while the show is on the air, are you looking to maybe encourage young people to be safe and possibly avoid the harsh reality of becoming parents at such a young age?
Ignos: Great question. However, at this time, due to the overwhelming success of the show, we are in no way interested in promoting safe sex. How can we find new material for future shows if we were to take such a path? No, this is not a direction we are willing to take, for our own best interests. What I can tell you is that next season, possibly in the second or third episode, we will have a segment dedicated to alternative uses for condoms. So far we've come up with standards like water-balloons, and even a few less popular ideas like using them for food storage in your refrigerator and covering your side view mirrors on your cars during snowstorms to avoid having to scrape them in the morning. Stay tuned for more breakthroughs on that subject, and thanks for asking.
   *Ralph Knutalott, Pedophile News Network: Mr. Ignos, is it true that in the coming months, MTV plans to roll out more shows along this storyline? Rumors have floated about titles like, "My Kid made the Sexual Predator list before your Kid" and "Preteen Preggers". Can you shed any light on the validity of such shows, and if so, when can we expect them to air?
Ignos: It's true that as a world leader in entertainment and education, and occasionally music, that we here at MTV realize that the future to successful growth and dominance requires us to constantly evolve our programming to fit the needs of so many interested viewers. In order to securely give our shows a market without aiding our competitors, we cannot comment about any future shows not already being promoted. Thank you.
    from MTV press release, January 16, 2011.
<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;nbsp;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p><p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;nbsp;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

The full press release lasted sixteen hours and even featured a rather pitiful performance by the Jonas Brothers.