News Time USA

Scientists Find Pint-sized, Tasty, Meat-eating Dinosaur

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 23:57:00 +0000

WASHINGTON –Imagine a ferocious blood thirsty velociraptor like those in some block buster Hollywood special effects bonanza, but only as big as a modern chicken and amazingly more delicious! That's what Canadian researchers say they have found. Not only the smallest meat-eating dinosaur yet discovered in North America but possibly the most delicious in history. This pint-sized 4-to-5 pound dino, "probably hunted and ate whatever the hell it could for its size — insects, mammals, rocks, mud, shit...just about anything," according to Nathan Shortpoor of the University of Calgon. When asked how they knew the dino was "tasty", Nathan explained that if it walks like a chicken, looks like a chicken then it probably tasted like a chicken. Nathan and the other researchers at the university had yet to take their lunch breaks and had just smoked several pounds of marijuana when Newstime caught up to them. "Man, can you imagine this little guy in a light crispy batter with several herbs and spices!? Huh? Can you!! Dang! when is lunch again? Friggin' starvin' dude." Nathan groaned before taking off his lab coat and putting away his marijuana paraphernalia. "Just imagine if we can clone these li'l fellas! We can start our own fast food chain! I can only imagine how good they must taste."

One Dead in Kool-Aid Accident

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 21:46:00 +0000

LITTLE ROCK, Ark- One man is dead today after a freak traffic accident involving his 1991 VW bus and a sticky windshield full of dried Kool-Aid. Sources say the man's wife, who runs a daycare center, accidentally swapped his windshield wiper fluid with concentrated Kool-Aid. Authorities don't suspect foul play and say it was a case of extreme stupidity. The 34-year-old man was traveling down highway 440 when he went to use his wiper fluid. Instead of wiper fluid his windshield was instantly splattered with a thick red sticky film witch dried quickly and attracted a swarm of knats and dust, blinding the father of 12 and causing him to slam into a truck filled with rusty razor blades. Kool-Aid man could not be reached for comment.

Gun Pried From Heston's Cold, Dead Hands

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 17:45:00 +0000

Actor Charlton Heston's gun was pried from his cold, dead hands as promised by the actor Monday as he was laid to rest in his Moses costume.

The mob of gun worshippers flooded the funeral home demanding Heston give up the gun as he had promised the crowd when he became the spokesman for the NRA. Billy Joe Dunphux claimed, "It's only fair...he did say we could have it when we pry it from his cold, dead hands."

The gun in question did indeed require some prying as several firemen and one hospital worker used the jaws of life to pry the gun from the diseased actor's hands. "Boy, howdy he did have some kind of a kung fu grip!" chuckled Ross Rosenburg, local fireman.

The gun will go on display at a local kindergarten school in Alabama Wednesday.

Punxsutawney Phil Found Dead in Tree Apartment

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 18:47:00 +0000

Punxsutawney Phil, famed groundhog and weather predictor, was found dead today of a suspected drug overdose. He was 46 years old.

A note was found on a bedstand, a portion of which follows:

"I am sick and tired of the human bastards who use me to predict their weather. Every day seems the same to me. I wake up, go outside, see my shadow, or not. Same shit. I'm tired of it all."

"I can't imagine why he would do such a thing," remarked upstairs neighbor "Punxutawney Gary", a squirrel who provides horoscopes for the local paper. "He had it all. Good job, fame, women. He was banging a really hot squirrel that lives downstairs. I just don't get it."

Punxsutawney Phil, whose real name was "Mr. Peepers", also found national fame starring opposite Bill Murray in the movie "Groundhog Day", but did not see one penny of residuals from the film. Some theorize this may have been another motive in his suicide.

"He won't be predicting winters anymore...not in this lifetime," said Punxatawney mayor Gregory Glandertall. "Where the fuck are we gonna find another weather-predicting groundhog?"

Scientists Decode Most of Cat's DNA

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 00:24:00 +0000

Scientists have now decoded almost all of the DNA of the common feline, and have found an alarming lust for murder.

Your cat could be a ticking time bomb just waiting to slash your throat as you sleep," says Dr. Jake T. Powder of the Institute for Useless Studies. "Or cut open your eyes...even tear them out of their sockets. Slice open your gut and disembowel you...chew up your testicles. They really are quite intelligent and incredibly devious."

However scientists are still baffled at why the typical 'Mr. Whiskers' will shit in the litter box 98% of the time, yet leave the occassional 'Tootsie Roll' behind the couch.

"We think it may be a sign to other felines in the domicile," continued Dr. Powder. "It's as if to say: Hey, you, stay away. This is my human. Go find another two-legged meatsack to mutilate."

We contacted several area cats, none of whom agreed to comment on this story.

Korean Leaders Meet; Slapfight Ensues

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 15:10:00 +0000

Pyongyang, North Korea-- In a historic moment, the presidents of North and South Korea, Kim Jon Il and Roh Moo-hyun, met for the first time since World War II. However, it was evident things weren't going well when a brutal slapfight ensued between the two leaders.

"It was amazing!" said excited onlooker Bill Jones. "Kim Jon Il called Roh Moo-hyun a 'dirty, freedom-loving rice eater'. Then Moo-hyun called Jon Il a 'filthy, tyrannical rice eater'. Then all hell broke loose and Jon Il just slapped the living shit out of Moo-hyun. Everybody started laughing at first, because he hits like a girl!"

The laughter continued as Moo-hyun countered with his own girl-like slap, and a good-old- fashioned no-holds-barred slapfight began.

After several minutes, however, the laughter subsided as the violence of the confrontation escalated.

"It was horrible!" sobbed a distressed witness to the shenanigans. "After a time, you couldn't even recognize them anymore. Their faces had been turned into bloody pulps. They both refused to stand down and just continued slapping each other harder and harder. I can still hear the echoes of those slaps in my nightmares."

Eventually both men reached the point of exhaustion and collapsed to the ground. They were both rushed to the hospital with second degree slap wounds.

"This is a historic day for these two countries," remarked Chinese diplomat Moo Goo Gai Pan. "They've gone from war, to cold war, to slapping. It's real progress."

Iranian President "Scared Shitless"

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 15:02:00 +0000

New York City-- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is scheduled to speak at Columbia University today, says he is "scared shitless" about the speaking engagement.

"Let's face it, I am considered an enemy of the state by your President Bush," said Ahmadinejad, wearing a helmet, body armor, gas mask, knee pads, and steel-toed boots. "For all I know there is a CIA sniper with his scope trained on my face right now," he continued, looking around nervously then ducking behind a chair.

Columbia's decision to host Ahmadinejad, who has said that Israel should be "wiped off the map", and whose country is accused of exporting terrorism and seeking to build nuclear weapons, has been criticized by many.

"I wish I could make the American pig-dogs, er, people understand," President Ahmadinejad sighed. "I'm just like you! I jumped for joy when Kelly Clarkston won on 'American Idol'. I cried on the anniversary of '9/11'. No, wait...I laughed like a drunk hyena. Scratch that. The point is, I'm a human being-- not a monster who is out to kill all the Jews and build bombs and rape little children! Now if you'll excuse me, I must make shit in pants now."

Ahmadinejad then ducked behind his interpreter, using her as a human shield as he carefully made his way to the restroom.

Bush Surprised By Greenspan Criticism

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 15:58:00 +0000

Washington-- President Bush is "pissed" at Alan Greenspan's criticisms in Greenspan's new book, the White House said Monday. In the book, Greenspan accuses Bush of squandering the nation's budget on wild parties and booze, among other improprieties.

Bush has challenged Greenspan to a no-holds-barred cage match to settle their differences.

"Why I'm gonna punch that ol' prune right in the balls!" Bush commented. "I thought me and Greeny were on the same page! Damn ol' bastard needs to shut his pie hole, goddamn him!"

Alan Greenspan, fighting under the name "The Green Tornado" threatened to "tear that hillbilly's head clean off and shit down his neck."

"I warned the president...I warned him that tax cuts for his rich buddies just wont fly...now I'm gonna take that sum bitch apart! TAKE HIM APART!"

Greenspan, although almost 148 years old, is said to still be a formidable grappler in the ring. Unable to perform high risk moves due to hip ailments, he is expected to resort to figure four legs locks, eye gouges, arm bar submission moves and dirty tricks. A mortician and casket will be ready ringside in the event of Greenspan's demise.

The match will be aired on C-Span later this week.

O.J. Robs Hotdog Stand At Gun Point

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 16:55:00 +0000

Las Vegas-- O.J. Simpson was arrested Monday for robbing a hot dog vendor of one delicious foot long hot dog, 100% beef, with relish, mustard, no catsup and jalapenos. Simpson claims he was just asking for what belongs to him.

"It's all one big misunderstanding" said Simpson. "All I said to the hot dog vendor was 'Give me a fucking hot dog or I'll slice your neck!' I was kidding! What? He can't take a joke?"

The hot dog vendor claims O.J. swung a bat with nails in it at him. O.J. claims the bat was just a big misunderstanding.

"I didn't swing a bat at him! I asked him if he wanted to touch it with his head. I always happen to carry a bat with nails...ski mask...gloves..hunting knife when I walk around Vegas. It's a dangerous town. You never know what dangerous criminal could spring out and rape you. "

Troops Coming Home

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 03:46:00 +0000

Washington-- President Bush yesterday said he was bringing the troops home...sort of.

Mr. Bush, who has asked to be referred to as “El PresidenteGrande'” from now on, said he was giving in to the pressures of the American people and bringing five troops home and redeploying some 500,000.

“O.K.! O.K.! The American people have spoken...and your El Presidente has heard your cries!” said Bush Wednesday. "I've ordered the gradual reduction in troop levels effective right away."

When pushed on just how many troops will be coming home Bush finally said “five”.

“We will begin bringing five lucky soldiers home every four weeks until all of our boys come home,” said Bush, to which the crowd responded with loud boos. “Before ya git your panties in a bunch let me finish, dag gum it! I'm also going to be sending our boys some entertainment this Christmas!” yelled El Presidente. “I will be sending 500,000 men what I like to call the entertainment core! That's right, 500,000 of my finest military entertainers...who also happen to be soldiers.”

When asked if this was just shuffling of numbers and words the President scratched his hind quarters, smelled his finger and remarked. “Huh?”

Airline Customer Service In Tailspin

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 22:58:00 +0000

A recent survey reports that passenger satisfaction has taken a dramatic nose dive in recent months.

"I asked for extra peanuts, and the attendant stabbed me with a fork! What the fuck is up with that?" asked perplexed passenger Pete Pillbottom. "He finally did give them to me, but not after putting all of them in his mouth, then spitting them back into the bag."

"Those attendants...very surly...I asked where the gate was, and she punched me in the head!" complained frequent flyer Fred Filtspot.

"Yeah, first they told me to take off my shoes, then they ran that beeper thing...then my pants, shirt...soon i was but naked!" said a former supermodel who chose to remain anonymous. "Are they REALLY supposed to check under your breasts for bombs?"

I asked one of the attendants for a pillow and she leaned over with a big smile, told me to fuck off, and spit in my face," complained Jack Korna.

Another passenger related a similar story.

"Well, I asked for a pillow and he took one from the elderly lady next to me and threw it on my lap. Next thing I know, I'm in a slap-fight with the attendant and a 93-year-old invalid!"

"And when they brought the tray around with the meals they just tossed them from the cart like we were monkeys begging for peanuts...then they all retired to the back to play strip poker," sobbed a clearly traumatized John Pelinger.

Some customers have complained of missing items.

"Well, I had to take a flight to Dallas with a stopover in Denver. When I got on the Denver plane I realized I was missing my nice pink sweater," says Doreen Winkler. "When I got on the Dallas flight there was one of the same attendants...WEARING MY PINK SWEATER! He totally acted like he never saw me before! Jerk!"

During News Time USA's undercover investigation into these reports of customer turbulence, the following shocking remarks were heard over an airplane intercom:

"Attention passengers, this is your pilot. Who wants to do a loop-de-loop? Huh? HUH? WHO WANTS TO DO A LOOP-DE-LOOP?"

"But seriously folks, did you know blindness affects over 2 million Americans a year? Ha ha...just kiddin' again!"

"Folks, this is your captain. The shaking you're feeling is not due to the weather conditions...we've just lost our right engine...GOTCHA!"

Roger Kumquat, who represents the airline industry, returned News Time USA's call requesting an interview and yelled, "You and all the other cocksucking media fucks can kiss my fucking ass, you dirty whores!" before abruptly hanging up.

Britney Spears Embarasses Self By Appearing Healthy, Non-Anorexic

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 22:14:00 +0000

Britney Spears' performance at the MTV VMA awards has become a hot topic in the entertainment world.

"Yeah, I saw Britney last night at the VMA's she was HUGE...like 120 pounds or something!" said Paris Hilton. "What a porker! I couldn't even see her ribs!"

We caught up with the Olsen twins in the bathroom toilet after chucking up their dinners. "Yeah, I'm really worried for her health. Being that big isn't good for you."

Britney is receiving plenty of diet advice from friends like Keira Knightley. "Well for breakfast she should eat half a piece of toast and some water. For lunch I have one Tic-Tac and half a peanut. For dinner...well, I usually just skip dinner."

In contrast, a News Time USA poll indicated that 98% of the men who responded said they would 'love to fuck the living shit out of her'. The other 2% were gay.

Bush Says New Album a Reminder of Danger

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 04:22:00 +0000

Australia-- President Bush said Obama Bin Laden's mention of the Iraq war in his new music album is a reminder of al-Quesadillas long-term
objectives in Austria.

The president was corrected several times,
reminded that it is "Osama", not "Obama", as well as "al-Qaeda" not
"al-Quesadillas" and the war is in Iraq...not Austria.

Despite being corrected, the president continued to ramble.

"Iraq is part of this war against contortionists. If al-Qwaida
bothers to mention the war in Africa (meaning Iraq) right now,
they want to achieve their objections which is to drive us out."

"The tape is a reminder about the dangerous universe in which we
live, and it's a reminder that we must work together to protect our people against the Martian invaders who murder the innocent in order to achieve their political objectivityness."

The President spoke during a photo opportunity. Onlookers where hard
pressed to figure out just what the hell the president was trying
to say. After the speech the president walked off stage in the
wrong direction and fell some 20 feet flat on his face. After
lying motionless for more than a minute, he sprang up and claimed
that "he meant to to that."

Jack B. Nimble reporting.

"Osama the Butcher" Strikes Again

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 16:57:00 +0000

CAIRO, Egypt-- Bin Laden is back. The terrorist has apparently recorded an album called "Osama Butchers American Hits." The Department of Homeland Security said Thursday that this was the single worst attack on American pop culture since Milli Vanilli. The new album has Bin Laden covering such songs as, "America" by Neil Diamond, "Sunshine on My Shoulders" by John Denver and "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones among 10 others.

Homeland Security Spokesman Russ Knocke said the album was available for download from iTunes.

"This man has done some sickening things...but this...this is an unspeakable act of terror!" said Knocke.

The album cover depicts Bin Laden on the cover holding a guitar, his beard died jet black.

"I'll never be able to listen to Cheryl Crow's "All I Want To Do Is Have Some Fun" ever again with out seeing that sick bastard! I can't get it out of my mind!" said Gordon Johndoe, a spokesman for the National Security Council at the White House.

The album also includes a few bonus tracks including covers of "The Muppet Show" and "Sesame Street" theme songs.

We asked Steve Jobs why iTunes was carrying the album he said, "Well, whataya gonna do?"

Study: Early Rising Bad For Heart

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 16:13:00 +0000

A recent Japanese government study has found that not only does early rising "suck", it can also have a negative impact on the heart.

"This early rising stuff is bullshit," said Miyoko Tagashi, an office drone in downtown Tokyo. "I'm tired all fucking day long. I need five cups of coffee just to make it through the morning without falling asleep with my head on my keyboard. This so-called ancient wisdom can kiss my ass!"

In light of the findings, Dr. Kanoti Sariku, a researcher with the Japanese Institute of Research, performed a study of 500 university students. "We found that our happiest students were the ones that got up around noon-ish and ate a slice of cold pizza from the fridge left over from last night's beer binge."

More disturbingly, however, the government study found that over 100 cases of hearts spontaneously exploding have been linked to getting up too early in the morning. Doctors recommend sleeping in as much as possible, calling in late to work when necessary.

"Look, you're not gonna get much out of your employees if their hearts are exploding left and right, so we recommend relaxing company late policies," said Hoshi Marashi, a government spokesperson.

Popcorn Fumes Dangerous, Addictive

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 17:45:00 +0000

The latest way among teens to get high? Smoking popcorn. Popular because it's legal, and leaves them smelling like fresh buttered popcorn. And who doesn't love the smell of fresh buttered popcorn?

Mary Jane Wigsworth, of the watchdog group Parents Against Popcorn said, "When asked by their parents where they've been all night, they say 'the movies', and the parents believe it. Little do they know that little Johnny has been in a popcorn den getting high as a kite. "

The discovery was made late last week when one teen, a non-smoker, was found to have contracted lung cancer. When surgeons opened his lungs they smelled like a movie theater.

"Well it all started one night after I popped a bag of Orville Redenbacher's. I breathed in the fumes and I was hooked. I got my friends to try it and all of a sudden we were loading it into bongs, pipes, joints...whatever. Some guys even snort it."

Blaine Watson loved popcorn so much he ate it for every meal for 10 years, often covering the bag and himslef with a blanket just to inhale the popcorn fumes.

"I'd stuff my pillows with old popcorn and sleep on it...stuff it in my pants, rub it in my hair...I just can't get enough microwave popcorn! When the doctors told me I had popcorn lung I was devastated. Then I said...wait...what the hell is popcorn lung? The doctors explained it to me as I munched on some movie theater style popcorn I scammed from the hospital vending machine."

He realized he was hooked. "It wasn't just the smell....I was actually getting high on the fumes."

"Some nights it's all I can think about...I crave it...want to make love to it...want to BE IT! It's like...crack," Mr. Watson stammered, shoving handfuls of popcorn into his already full mouth.

Soon, his son Billy picked up the habit from a group of teens pushing bags of Movie Time popcorn on the corner.

Mr. Watson knew his son was in trouble when he found him in his room passed out face down in a bowl of Jiffy Pop. "But i thought nothing of it...until he put on the cape and tried to fly like Superman off our roof. While he was in the hospital, I searched his room and found his stash...Jiffy Pop with...extra butter flavoring," he sobbed.

The FDA says it is currently investigating the matter and will consider putting warning labels on all bags of microwave popcorn.

Suckers Who Bought iPhones Out 200 Bucks

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 17:09:00 +0000

This week Apple announced that it is cutting the price of its iPhone by 200 dollars. The price reduction was too much too soon, some bitched.

Steve Jobs laughed, “What a bunch of bufoons! 500 bucks for a phone? I just wanted to see how many hard core Apple retards were out there, and apparently it's raining morons! Thanks, suckers!” Jobs said as he lit a cigar with a 100 dollar bill.

“Oh, by the way, next week we will be releasing the 900 dollar iPod..better get in line now!” Jobs said, barely able to retain his composure.

Ned Needlejerk of New Jersey said he was furious. “I waited outside the Apple store for a month! Ate beans and grasshoppers every night to survive, as well as braved torrential rains just to buy this plastic piece of shit! How could Apple do this to me? This cheap paperweight depreciated faster than my Ford Focus!”

When asked if he was going to buy one of the newer 900 dollar iPods Needlejerk said, “Hell yeah! I'll be getting in line tomorrow night! What are the odds of something like this happening again? Ooh, i just can't wait!!”

Jobs announced several other Apple products this week. The iSpoon, a music playing spoon, a music playing vacume cleaner branded the iSuck and a 500 dollar Apple-branded rock called uIdiot.

President Crybaby

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 16:16:00 +0000

Washington--

President Bush told Robert Draper, the author of a new book on his presidency, that he cries 'a hell of a lot'.

“I try not to wear my worries on ma sleeve, or pants leg or any other part of my apparel,” said Bush. “I cry a hell of a lot! I cry at weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs, PTA night, large sales events, spilt milk, spilt orange juice. Hell, I cried when they shot ol' Yeller. Damn...that poor dog.” the President paused for a moment, sniffling slightly. “Sorry, that was just a dag gum sad movie. Ma wife won't let me watch it anymore 'cause I git so dag gum torn up over the endin,." Bush sputtered.

Bush broke down into tears when he recalled his drinking days and how “gawd” helped him stop. “I wouldn't be head honcho if I were still suckin, down grandma's cough medicine. I haven't had a drink in 20 minutes...err...I mean 20 years!” Bush continued to sniffle.

When asked what he planned to do after is presidency, Bush remarked, “I want to replenish the ol' coffers makin' ridiculous money on the lecture circuit like ma buddy Billy Boy! [referring to President Clinton]! Problem is, I can't go more than 30 minutes with out cryin' like a baby for his mother's tit."

Chinese Desperate for Lead-Free Paint Formula

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 16:27:00 +0000

It has been reported that a Pentagon computer system was compromised yesterday by a Chinese hacker evidently looking for the formula to create lead-free paint.

Similar computer break-ins were discovered at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Los Alamos, and the Sherwin Williams corporate headquarters.

An official with the Pentagon said, "We just don't understand it. Lead-free paint is readily available on the open market. Why they are secretly looking for ways to synthesize it is beyond me. Hell, I'll buy 'em a couple of cans to get 'em started."

When asked why they don't simply buy the lead-free paint, a Chinese official said, "Shut up, dirty capitalist pig! We need no paint from the round-eye Westerners! We make our own! The Communist way! We don't buy what we can make in the sweatshops of Beijing!"

Other formulas that may have been compromised include Chicken McNuggets, the Colonel's secret recipe, and Campbell's chicken soup.

Midler Kills and Eats Endangered Species in Hawaii

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 19:50:00 +0000

After a recent incident in which Bette Midler cut down 250 trees on her Kauai retreat and was fined $6500 for not having the correct permits, Midler was caught hunting and eating the rare Pookie monkey last week.

Her attorney said Midler will pay the $50,000 fine and says she is sorry for eating the delicious little fellows.

The actress claims that she didn't realize the monkeys were extremely endangered and apologized for sauteeing them in a delicious mushroom and gravy sauce.

Midler's attorney said, "It's another unfortunate mistake that probably won't happen again."

Midler is set to replace Celine Dion, who has never eaten monkeys, as a headline performer in Las Vegas.

Adult Psychedelic Drug OK'd For Kids

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 19:45:00 +0000

The FDA has recently approved the use of psychedelic drugs by children.

The new drug comes in a tie-dyed style bottle and a free Greatful Dead CD.

"We felt it was time to introduce a new generation to psychedelia, bongs, free love, sit-ins, paranoia and free love. Wait...did I say 'free love' twice? Wow, man, I'm fried!" commented Dr. Hash Stevens of the FDA.

"We test all kinds of good shit here at the FDA man..and this one is definitely approved. APPROVED FOR PARTY TIME, MAN!"

The makers recommend adding a drop or two of the substance to babies' bottles to get them used to the experience. The hope is that if they are slowly introduced to it, they will see visions of unicorns and rainbows rather than alligators, demons, and giant mutant spiders which would "ruin the trip, man".

"Back in the 60's there was no ADD or crap like that man, and the FDA, through experimentation, has found it's the lack of psychedelic drugs and love that makes kids all nutso these days," said Stevens.

"That and TV. TV is fuckin' evil, man! I used to just spend hours staring at my black light posters for amusment. 300-something channels hurts my head dude! Besides, I have 1000 worlds inside my mind, man! Why would I need TV?"

The new Drug will be market by Phizer under the brand name "Li'l Johnny Trippin'", and is expected to retail for $39.95 a bottle.

It will also be available for five proofs of purchase from Cap'n Crunch boxes plus $2.50 postage and handling.

Please allow six months to two years for delivery.

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 18:46:00 +0000

Kung Fu Monks Beaten Up By Mr. Bonkers the Ninja

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 16:35:00 +0000

Beijing--

China's Shaolin Temple, home of the world's finest Chinese Kung Fu and recalled toys has demanded an apology from an unknown Internet user by the name of “Shinobi1991” who said its monks had once been beaten silly by a Japanese Ninja named Mr. Bonkers.

When reminded that in many countries free speech allows for such comments, and that the user is probably a 12 year old pimple-faced punk, the monks punched this reporter in the mouth and remarked, "Put THAT in your free speech blog!"

"We could give a rat's ass about free speech! This is China, baby! Anybody who thinks they can talk trash about the Shaolin Monks is gonna get a foot up his ass! 'Cause that's just how we roll in da ST, yo!"

Suddenly from a giant cloud of swirling pink smoke appeared a purple Ninja calling himself “Mr. Bonkers” who proceeded to kick the ever lovin' crap out of the 12 Shaolin Monks giving the interview.

Shinobi1991 could not be reached for comment.

Idaho Senator Fond of Man Meat?

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 06:40:00 +0000

It is being reported that Idaho Senator Larry Craig pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge in connection with a complaint concerning his alleged "lewd conduct" in a men's restroom in a Minneapolis airport.

Mr. Craig says the rumors now swirling around him are completely false. "I am not a pole smoker, and have never been a pole smoker," said the senator in a press conference. "I am not, nor have I ever been a cock grabber, ball sniffer, or packer of fudge!" he screamed defiantly at the crowd that gathered to witness his histrionics.

"The only thing I am guilty of is beating my wife, laundering thousands of dollars of campaign contributions, and huffing on a pipe full of meth now and again. But I have never, I repeat never fondled a man's scrotum or taken it up the rear!"

He then ended the press conference abruptly, yelled "Buy Idaho" repeatedly at the top of his lungs, and threw dozens of enormous Russet potatoes at the crowd, knocking one onlooker unconscious when a potato ricocheted of his forehead.

Yahoo! Adds New Features To Messaging Services

noreply@blogger.com (News Time USA) — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 05:31:00 +0000

Grandma Chat
Randomly chooses senior citizen to chat with

Enemy List
Similar to "buddy list"

Lonely Guy's Email
Send a random cheery email to yourself every few hours

Graph Editor
Lets you plot your emails in 3D space

Reply To None Button

Yahoo! Echo Chamber
Lets you leave messages with an echo effect

Reply To Self Button

PetMail
Send emails to your pets

Decompose Button

Forward Spam Button

SETI-Mail
Send greetings to life on other worlds

List By I.Q. Filter

Mark As Blue Button

Mayan Calendar

Return To Sender: Insufficient Postage Button