NewsBlog 5000

Editor’s Note: Save the children from high prices

2007-08-12T22:53:00.000-05:00

On Friday’s “Hardball,” CNBC’s Erin Burnett spoke on the advantages of giving lead paint to kids.

“If China were to revalue it’s currency or China is to start making say, toys that don’t have lead in them or food that isn’t poisonous, their costs of production are going to go up and that means prices at Wal-Mart here in the United States are going to go up too. So, I would say China is our greatest friend right now, they’re keeping prices low and they’re keeping the prices for mortgages low, too.”

I feel that Erin is a kindred spirit. As a child, all my toys had lead paint, and I sucked all the paint off every one of those suckers, and as everyone knows, if there’s one thing I enjoy, it is low prices at the expense of others. Let’s not forget, the deluge of crappy and deadly products from China don’t just help the moderately rich. It also helps the Walton family.

For some reason, this reminds me of the time my grandmother died from poison toothpaste. Good times. Good times.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Nine of Ten say no to Text Driving

2007-08-08T09:38:00.001-05:00

(SNN New Brunswick) Nine out of ten Americans believe sending text messages while driving is as dangerous as driving after having a couple of drinks.

The tenth person surveyed was Arlo P. Hasenpfeffer IV. In addition to allowing texing on the highway, Arlo believes in arming felons, putting corn syrup in the drinking water, and banning dentistry. In 2004, Arlo voted for President Bush because he wanted to “Punish the World.”

The state of Washington in May passed the first ban in the United States on texting while driving and at least six other states including New York, California and Florida are considering similar legislation, Pinger said in a statement releasing the survey results.

Hal Turner, a spokesman for the Texters for a free America, a libertarian rights organization also said, “You can have my blackberry when you pull it from my cold dead hands, literally.”

A Pubic Service Announcement

2007-07-23T13:24:00.001-05:00

Surgeon General Candidate has Rectal Knowledge

2007-07-18T18:03:00.001-05:00

(SNN Washington) President Bush’s nominee for Surgeon General, James Holsinger took fire over a paper written in 1991 for the United Methodist Church.

The paper was called the “Pathophysiology of Male Homosexuality.” One piece of evidence used by the paper was the fact that the anus is not self-lubricating. It is surprising a White House nominee understands the minutia of his appointed position in such great, scientific detail. Holsinger also pointed out that pipe fittings came in male and female variety, showing his versatility and suitability to also handle the coveted post of Secretary of Drains and Fixtures.

Other papers written by Holsinger suggests he believes stem cell research will lead to gigantic killer half-human half-jackrabit mutants, teenagers can be talked into not having sex, and abortion clinics will one day be struck down by the fist of an angered god.

It will most likely be revealed that Holsinger snorts massive amounts of crank while sodomizing young, male prostitutes with a crucifix. Most likely this revelation will come a few days after he is confirmed.

Missouri Governor Signs Bill

2007-07-12T07:28:00.001-05:00

(SNN Jefferson City) Friday, Gov. Matt Blunt signed legislation classifying abortion clinics as surgical centers.

This is a brave piece of legislation for a Republican Governor. By passing this legislation, Blunt is saying that his administration approves of industries are regulated by government. The bill also bans abortion-providing agencies from providing free sex education materials in Missouri schools, on the presumption that they will give incorrect information in the hopes of drumming up business.

However, not everyone is happy with this brave new direction. “Essentially, what Governor Blunt and the legislature are doing is saying that teens need to be protected from information, not from sexually transmitted infections or unintended pregnancies,” said Peter Brownlie, chief executive officer of Planned Parenthood of Kansas and Mid-Missouri. However, Mr. Brownlie is forgetting two important clichés. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts.

Planned Parenthood said the law could prompt renovations costing as much as $2 million at its Columbia clinic, which performs 600 to 700 abortions a year. A Kansas City office, which offers only abortions induced by medication, would probably quit doing so to avoid renovation costs.

To show his voters that he had their best interests at heart, Blunt signed the bill in a Baptist church. To the joy on onlookers, he managed to sign his name to the bill with eighty percent accuracy.

This new law puts Missouri back in the running for the coveted “Most Embarrassing State” award. Nevertheless, it likely will take something even more backwards to knock Mississippi out of the number one slot. Perhaps if Matt Blunt actually ran the state government from a Baptist church, wore bibbers, and spat tobacco at his underlings, they could have a chance at the title.

Editor’s Note: Gupta is no Sicko

2007-07-10T07:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday on CNN, Michael Moore accused Dr. Sanjay Gupta of being little more than a paid shill of the pharmaceutical industry. Wolf Blitzer contended that Dr. Gupta was a well-respected journalist and surgeon.

It is impossible that anyone would think Gupta is a paid shill. Due to my advanced weight, I spend a significant time in the doctor’s office. In that office is a kiosk paid for by a pharmaceutical company that plays snips of Sanjay Gupta followed by commercials on what drugs to take to fix the condition he has just explained. Gupta does not do the commercials himself; there is clear separation. While I don’t know this for a fact, I’m sure Gupta does this out of a sense of service to the community and takes no money from the pharmaceutical company.

What Moore fails to understand is that Gupta is also unimpeachable as a doctor because he is on CNN. That kind of face time is worth much more than a bunch of living patients. He was a neurosurgeon. Now, I’ve never poked around in a brain, but I have seen Hannibal. I’m pretty sure that anyone who could cut open someone’s head is capable of anything. However, Gupta was such a good neurosurgeon that he was bumped up to being a journalist. As a journalist myself, I can assure you anyone who calls themselves a journalist is at least ten times smarter than a neurosurgeon and the same goes for the President.

Moore then wasted Blitzer’s time by complaining that Blitzer didn’t do enough to inform the public about Weapons of Mass Destruction. Mr. Moore should get on board with that fact that we didn’t go to Iraq because they had Weapons of Mass Destruction, but because we needed to restore peace and order to the lives of the Iraqi people.

Moore and Blitzer should have discussed the successes of America’s medical system. The reason our system looks average is that they are looking at averages. There is no better country on earth at extending the life of those who can pay. Sure a few poor people might have to die so that rich person can life another year, but that is just capitalism at work.

Finally, I’d like to remind you that Moore is tremendously fat. He is the reason why there is so much strain on our health system. Yes, Moore personally. He just doesn’t want to use his millions to pay his doctor’s bills.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Bush Actions to aid Hamas

2007-07-05T20:16:00.001-05:00

All the Federales, they say They could have had him any day They only let him slip a-away Out of kindness I suppose

(SNN Washington) Mohammed Salah was convicted on a single obstruction of justice charge in February. He was allegedly supporting Hamas’s terror campaigns in the Middle East. Now with the help of President Bush, Salah is hoping for probation.

Because the crimes Libby was supposed to have covered up remain unproven, Bush explained that Libby’s sentence was “excessive.” By extension, a number of white collar criminals may want to take advantage of the Executive opinion.

"Clearly, every criminal defense lawyer who practices in the white collar arena is asking him or herself - why shouldn't my client have this same privilege?" observered White Collar Crime Prof Blog. This statement cause many observers to say, “Holy Shit! There’s a White Collar Crime Prof Blog? Is there anything that hasn’t been blogged about? Anything?”

While technically, Bush’s words do not make a legal precedent, many people have observed that Bush’s actions are petty, partisan and ill-informed, making them worthy of most district court judges appointed by Bush’s administration.

Bush Commutes Libby Sentence

2007-07-03T06:29:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) Monday, President Bush eliminated the 2 ½ year prison penalty from I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby’s sentence.

Bush made the decision to commute the sentence just five hours after federal appeals panel ruled that Libby would have to serve out his prison sentence while waiting for an appeal, thus wasting their time.

Bush said “the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive.” This is keeping with Bush’s policies in Texas where he commuted dozens of death penalty cases because his is a sensitive Christian, unable to let anyone server too harsh a penalty. Excuse me, I was having an acid flashback just there.

Most of the reason the President commuted Libby’s sentence is simply stated: Libby lacks the mental abilities to be held culpable for his indiscretions. First, he is a grown man who calls himself “Scooter”, and let’s face it, the words, “Hi, they call me Scooter,” never got anyone any trim. Second, Scooter risked everything to protect Dick Cheney, a man who is arguably less popular than Hitler.

The last reason Bush commuted the sentence is more complex, and gives us an interesting insight into the President’s thinking process. The President himself has difficulty finishing sentences. To him, the idea of a sentence that lasted more than two years was unthinkable.

Congress Subpoenas White House

2007-06-30T07:32:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) Democrats took the first steps Friday in what may end as a Constitutional showdown. In a letter to White House counsel Fred Fielding the Judicial Committees of the House and Senate have demanded an explanation on why the White House claimed Executive Privilege on subpoenaed documents.

The White House countered the request for actual information with an offer of private, off-the-record interviews. This would allow White House officials to sidestep potentially embarrassing topics and instead talk about things less damaging to the administration, like the weather and the importance of clearing every last piece of brush from a ranch.

This action is considered a courageous move by Democrats. The Vice President has often stated that anyone questioning the methods of the White House is allied with terrorists. He also condones the secret arrest and imprisonment of terrorist allies in foreign prisons. It is unlikely that John Conyers will find enough time to harass Bush and Cheney when he is being tortured in a third world prison.

Editor’s Note: John Edwards hates reading

2007-06-27T23:01:00.001-05:00

Presidential candidate John Edwards appeared on "Hardball" Host Chris Matthews asked if Edwards thought people should buy Coulter's books, he offered a curt "No."

This is typical of the liberal anti-educational agenda. Liberals like Edwards do not appreciate educated women like Ann Coulter exercising their constitutional right to free speech.

Some people argue that everything that Ann says is absolute crap. While that is technically accurate, in a democracy, everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, whether or not their facts are factual or their opinions are anything other than batshit crazy is merely a technical detail.

In support of freedom of speech, I would suggest that the entire media ignore Edwards and the rest of us should burn his books.

Editor’s Note: A Message for Paris’s Pirate

2007-06-26T05:57:00.000-05:00

Arrgh Matey.

Remember that moment with the press the other day. You made your statement to Paris’s mother and she gave you that “What the fuck?” look and walked away. There is really no doubt that Paris will act in the same way if she ever sees you.

Let’s face the facts; if the army of lawyers employed by Paris’s family cannot get her out of that jail, faux-brigand foppery will not likely help the cause.

What you are doing is understandable. You didn’t get that part in Pirates of the Caribbean, and you could use the exposure. You’ve always wanted to bang a celebrity, and Paris seems an easy alternative. You’re seriously mentally ill and want to share.

What you have to understand is that even if you could get her released early, Paris would not take the time to glance in your direction, let alone shore up your foremast.

And Matey, if you persist in the plan, I recommend you dress your boom box as a parrot.

5000 Salutes: Radar Magazine Online

2007-06-21T21:17:00.000-05:00

In an article about Jerry Seinfeld, the Radar Online included what may be the best caption ever.

Exclusive Report - Street Overcome by Violence

2007-06-18T13:32:00.001-05:00

Correspondent Eddie Grant Reporting

Several Pieces of Shit found in Senate

2007-06-16T22:12:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) According to a Capitol Hill newspaper, police are unable to determine how "several large piles of actual, non-metaphorical 'No. 2' found their way into the Capitol."

On Wednesday, Capitol Police cordoned off the hallway of the third floor of the Senate side of the Capitol building. Even United States Senators were unable to avoid at least three large piles of adult human feces. It was also rumored that various seats in the gallery were defecationally challenged as well.

Originally, authorities believed that the perpetrator acted alone. However, the amount of material found has caused some conspiracy theorists to speculate that there may have been a second shitter. Also, due to the speed of the attack, some believe that the actual emission may have happened in a different area, such as a nearby grassy knoll.

It is not know if the action was politically motivated.

As a result of this assault on our nation's government, all visitors to federal building will now be rectally searched so authorities can determine if they are carrying feces.

Hat tip to Hill for drawing attention to this important story.

FBI has a lot of work to do

2007-06-14T07:01:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) Big Daddy Kane once said “Pimpin ain’t easy”, Kane should try working for the FBI.

The terror watch list compiled by the FBI has grown to 500,000 names, or about the population of Wyoming. To watch these 500,000 possible terrorists, the FBI has 12,000 agents, 33 of which have “a limited proficiency in Arabic.”

The FBI is working on the problem. During fiscal 2005, 1600 agents took language classes. After the classes nearly 120 agents completed the agency’s Arabic proficiency test, although many of them scored a zero.

The problem is simple, any potential FBI agent who speaks Arabic, Urdu or Farsi is more than likely on the terror watch list. However, FBI officials claim that the knowledge of Arabic is not critical in the International Terrorism Operations Sections.

One source inside the FBI says that the language barrier is a problem of perception. “Learning languages is all about fads in the FBI. Polish is the popular language right now, so all you hear around the office is “Pragnę Cię” and “Jestem zamężna.” “Many agents even waste their time learning Spanish. Who speaks Spanish in the United States? Jestem w ciąży.”

Huckabee Hearts Guantanamo

2007-06-12T05:55:00.000-05:00

(SNN Peckerwood Lake) On CNN’s Late Edition, former Arkansas claimed that the treatment of Guantanamo prisoners was enviable.

When asked about former Sec. of State Colin Powell’s statement about closing Guantanamo, Huckabee said, ““most of our prisoners would love to be in a facility more like Guantanamo and less like the state prisons that people are in in the United States.”

When Blitzer pushed Huckabee, claiming that “detainees are being held, by and large, without charges, without any evidence,” Huckabee pointed out that the same thing could be said about the Texas state prison system. Huckabee then said, “if we let somebody out” they might “come and fly an airliner into one of our skyscrapers.” At this point in the interview, it is unclear whether the former governor was discussing Guantanamo detainees or Texans.

Huckabees concluded by saying “Booga booga, unless you support the President the bad men in your closet are going to get you.”

Bush greeting cock-up

2007-06-10T07:14:00.000-05:00

(SNN SMOM) US President George W Bush drew gasps at the Vatican on Saturday by referring to Pope Benedict XVI as "sir" instead of the expected "His Holiness", pool reporters said.

They could clearly hear the US leader say "Yes, sir" when the pope asked him if he was going to meet with officials of the lay Catholic Sant'Egidio community at the US embassy later during his visit.

A handful of pool reporters were on hand as Benedict greeted Bush at the door of his private library ahead of a private audience of about half an hour. During that half hour, the President referred to Pope Benedict XVI as “Sport”, “Padre”, “Fritz”, “Buddy”, and “Mr. Popey Pants”.

Pope attacks Pope

2007-06-06T20:09:00.000-05:00

(SNN Rome) A German man jumped a security barrier and grabbed Pope Benedict XVI’s popemobile before being swarmed by security guards Wednesday. The man was identified as a 27-year-old German who showed signs of “mental imbalance”, but the truth is stranger than that.

In 1944, things were not going well for Nazi Germany. Hitler commissioned his scientists to build a machine to send him into an alternate universe, one were he was winning the war. He planned to kill his counterpart and establish a one world Reich. The scientists, under the threat of death if they failed to produce results, managed to build a machine that could bridge the dimensional gap, but needed a human subject to test their device on. A soldier by the name of Joseph Ratzinger, recently removed from the infantry due to sickness was unwittingly recruited for the job.

While the Nazi machine was able to breach the dimensional gap, it became unstable when subjected to human DNA. Rather than send Ratzinger into an alternate dimension, it brought an alternate Ratzinger to ours. The alternate Ratzinger hops back and forth through time, never knowing when or where he will end up. His only hope is to somehow rejoin his self from this universe, who does not know of the Nazi experiment or his existence, so that they can jointly unleash the divine power of the Vatican and find his way home.

Bush Lowers Fees

2007-06-04T15:59:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) Last week, President Bush allowed his picture to be taken for a mere $5000 donation, down from $25,000 during the 2004 campaign season.

Perhaps the new lower prices are just meant to show that Bush is indeed a man of the people, such a regular guy that he would shake your hand for a mere $5000. Some say these new lower prices could be the result of the free market. President Bush’s popularity has fallen to around 25%. It is hoped that new lower prices might increase the President’s popularity.

This price reduction is especially staggering considering that in June 2006, First Lady Laura Bush received $10,000 per photograph.

The price for a photo op with Dick Cheney remains unchanged at 1 rare steak, salted.

different

2007-06-03T07:57:00.001-05:00

Fifty years in Iraq

2007-06-01T08:23:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) White House Spokesman Tony Snow said President Bush would like to see a fifty-year troop presence in Iraq, similar to the role of the United States military in North Korea.

The United States has had thousands of U.S. troops in South Korea to provide stability, guard against North Korean invasion and bang hot Asian chicks for fifty years. These troops have been so successful that Seoul is now the second largest metropolitan area in the world. Also due to the work of these dedicated American soldiers, Korea is ten years ahead of the United States technologically, people are generally happier and a national weather control system prevents rain during outdoor weddings. Despite this, Koreans consume over 1.5 metric tons of Kimchi per year.

"The Korean model is one in which the United States provides a security presence, but you've had the development of a successful democracy in South Korea over a period of years, and, therefore, the United States is there as a force of stability," Snow told reporters.

Many analysts say that President Bush is correct. As long as there are US troops in Iraq, it if very unlikely that the North Koreans will push a large military force across Iraqi borders.

Editor’s Note: Al Gore is Fat

2007-05-26T09:13:00.000-05:00

These days there just doesn’t seem to be enough coverage on Al Gore’s weight. Last week, there were only 712 articles in the press about Gore’s weight.

It seems typical of the liberal press to start actually looking at Gore’s positions on Global Warming and his position as America’s leading statesman, instead of devoting all their time to making fun of his girth. This kind of liberal propaganda is typical of the mainstream media.

Sure Gore has the support of the scientific and international community for is work with global worming, but what about the effect on the environment caused by Gore. It is well documented that Gore travels the world on his quest to force factories to close, but he does not use a solar airplane, or one powered by a bicycle, which would be an excellent way for him to lose all that weight.

I also wonder about the more direct effects of Al Gore. As of the writing of this editorial, the effects of Gore’s methane emissions on the environment remain unmeasured. Until Gore replaces his digestive system with more environmentally friendly technologies, it will be impossible to take him seriously.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Secretary gets 8 Years in Prison

2007-05-23T19:53:00.000-05:00

(SNN Atlanta) A federal judge ignored a plea for mercy today by a secretary who tried to steal trade secrets from the Coca Cola Corporation.

Joya Williams and her co-defendant, Ibrahim Dimson, each received eight years in prison, ordered to pay $40,000 of restitution and were ordered to three years of supervision after their prison sentence. This sentence suggests that the Georgia prison system has nothing better to do.

Trade secrets of the Coca Cola Corporation include things like: how long it takes for a full grown adult human to dissolve in three gallons of Coca Cola Classic, where is Dr. Pepper buried and what happened the night the light went out in Georgia.

Steve Jobs kills at shareholders meeting

2007-05-15T21:38:00.000-05:00

Jobs practices the five point palm exploding heart technique

(SNN Silicon Valley) The performance of Steve Jobs at Apples annual meeting yesterday has been called “outrageous”. Jobs refused to answer a question of a board director and laughed at the idea of giving back stock received in exchange for backdated options.

Teamsters representative Noa Oren tried to ask William Campbell, Apple’s co-lead director and the head of its compensation committee, about Jobs’ pay. Jobs grabbed a katana ran across the table and chopped off Oren’s head. Then he stated “As your leader, I encourage you from time to time, and always in a respectful manner, to question my logic. If you're unconvinced that a particular plan of action I've decided is the wisest, tell me so, but allow me to convince you and I promise you right here and now, no subject will ever be taboo. Except, of course, the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my compensation package or stock options as a negative is... I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the fucking time!”

Apple directors Bill Campbell, chairman of Intuit; Arthur Levinson, CEO of Genentech; and Eric Schmidt, CEO of Google, who all attended the meeting, were unavailable for comment afterward and did not return calls later.

Editor’s Note: Obama vows to end tax cuts for the rich

2007-05-14T14:35:00.000-05:00

Barack Obama (who my spellcheck assures me should be named “Barracks Osama”) said yesterday that if elected president, he would seek to repeal President Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans and use the money for health care.

I don’t think Mr. Obama understands how bad off the rich would be without government assistance. Seriously, with gas expected to push over $4 this summer, the increase in the value of my Halliburton stock is going to barely fill the tank of my Hummer. Furthermore, I doubt Mr. Obama has priced quality top hats or monocles lately. With the madam scandal taking out some of the best professionals in the Washington D.C., some of my lobbyist friends have had to go as far as Baltimore to find quality sex at affordable prices.

An alternate plan by John Edwards to increase taxes on the wealthiest Americans would destroy the ability of the bottom 25% of the top 4% of the richest people from being able to buy and sell congress. Some may have to get by with only one yacht. This just goes to show how short sighted Mr. Edwards truly is. There’s more than one ocean.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000