Next small step

Aligning thought, word and deed

2010-07-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

At Albert-the-blogger's funeral

I have been wondering about what I want to achieve through the writings on this blog. I did the old 'what would you want people to say at your graveside' exercise. But this was only Albert-the-blogger's funeral. The other Alberts will die another day.

At Albert-the-blogger's funeral I would want people to say that my writing was:

* Honest: That I wrote what I really thought and felt

* Sincere: That I tried my best to walk the talk

These feel like good goals for this blog. So take this as a manifesto, a promise to you the reader - this is what you will find here at Next Small Step (NSS for short).

Committing to these core values does not mean that I will only write about peace, love and understanding. I will continue to write about diets, exercize, reading, family, life in the office, friends etc. But the same core commitment will apply, regardless of the issue that I happen to be writing about.

You may well ask why I chose these goals. But some choices don't respond to this question. These are deep desires and needs. To me they feel like an end in themselves, not a means to an end.

A word of advice

I am ambiguous about advice. Giving advice can easily become a pretext for rambling on about ourselves. I am just going to ramble on about myself, without using the pretext of giving advice. If you want to learn something from all that, its up to you.

To be honest (already), I would like lots and lots of readers for this blog. And lots and lots of comments. But I have learnt that writing cannot be about readers or about the writer's ego. For it to be real, the writer must channel something deeper, and less ephemeral. This is what I am aiming for.

Leaving a trail

Looking back over what I have written at NSS in the past, I can see many plans and undertakings that I started, but subsequently abandoned or simply forgot about. I think that I have since found some ways to do better at walking the talk. But you will surely be the judge of that. I will write more about what helps me to practice what I preach another day.

This post and the reflection that preceeded it feels like a new beginning for NSS and for myself. But it doesn't feel honest to just start a new blog or to delete previous posts on this blog.

Aligning thought, word and deed

This feels like something worth striving for: Figuring out what I really think, feel and want. And aligning my actions with that. That, in two sentences, is what NSS is about.

Going back to meditation

2010-06-24T18:22:00.000-07:00

I started meditating in 1994 with the School of Practical Philosophy in Cape Town. After some ups and downs I finally left the school towards the middle of 2009 because I didn't feel that I was making any progress. I also felt that given some time and space, that I could work my 'issues' out myself - as you can tell from my blogging.

The last year has been interesting and I have learnt a few things. I have been writing morning pages as recommended by Julia Cameron in the Artist's Way and have found that very rewarding. I have also gone after my fledgling cycling career like never before.

But over the last few months I have come to the conclusion that in the end I cannot 'work out' my issues.They come back at me with a force that I cannot deal with. I need something deeper and more powerful to get at those. This made me turn back to meditation and the practices that go with it.

Looking back I think that I was quite spiritually ambitious in the past. Maybe I am mellowing with age, but I would be happy to simply find some rest in meditation. Maybe its OK to not make any progress. Just flattening out the roller coaster ride that my ego takes me, on would be nice.

How to meet the world

2010-06-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

I heard this quote years ago, but could never trace it. Zenhabits quoted it recently, much to my delight:

“You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait, just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.” Franz Kafka

I have tried it. It is true. I spend much of my time striving and planning and that is exhausting. When I can get myself to sit still for a while and do nothing, magic happens. Energy, creativity and perspective return.

Walk away from worry

2010-05-09T22:57:00.000-07:00

I have things that I worry and think about habitually. From what I hear this is true for many people. But I have found a way out of this.

Here are some of my habitual worries:

I worry that the bright new kid at work is going to make me redundant
I worry that I don't work enough or hard enough
I worry that I weigh too much, that I am not as slim as I should be
I worry about getting older and not having all the options that I had when I was young
I doubt whether my writing is any good

But I have noticed lately that none of these worries ever lead to action. They lead to gridlock. To stuckness. So they are not as important as I think they are. They are never about options or useful ideas. About creative ideas or inspiration. They are about being stuck. About depression. About death really.

Maybe action is about life.

It is possible to turn to action in these situations. When I notice these habitual trains of thought, I can turn instead to actions that speak to the things that I am worried about:

When I worry about becoming redundant at work, I can apply myself to my work, write or read or whatever.
When I worry about my weight, I can eat less or exersize more
When it feels like I don't work enough, I can do a little more.
When I feel old, I can throw myself into life with the gusto of a youngster.

And when I actually address these issues, I feel a lot better. The worry becomes a less. Natalie Goldberg says that one can't write and edit at the same time. Maybe it is also true that we can't act and worry at the same time.

Oh and don't be trapped into trying to 'figure out' these worries. They don't deserve. Best to walk away and get on with what you know you should be doing.

Byron Katie says that some thoughts are less useful than others. And that we can loosen the hold of thoughts that are not useful. In some situations relevant action is the antidote to these thoughts that are not useful.

Choose the activities, not the habitual worry. Choose the next small step.

An update on the Master or Slave Experiment

2010-05-01T22:51:00.000-07:00

One week into the master or slave experiment. Yes, it is early days. But it seems that it is possible. I can make choices that change the way that I live. At the same time there are powerful forces to challenge me: long years of habit, emotional insecurities, ambition etc. But I have been dodging and diverting these forces quite effectively for a week now. And I am learning more about this game every day. Learning more about what makes me do what I do.

A provisional result to this experiment is that even if I can't stop the temptation to snack from arising, I can choose how I respond to it. And I can plan and prepare for these responses. Even if I can't choose the weather, I can choose my clothes and stay dry.

So you want more detail, do you?

I didn't snack for 5 of the last 7 days. On the other two days I committed small misdemeanors.
I have seen that it is important to remember what I am trying to do and why.
What: I habitually add to these challenges. And that makes it harder. So I found myself checking my weight, for example. No, I had to tell myself, I am not trying to lose weight, I am trying not to eat between meals, that's all. Or I found myself trying to limit the amount of tea and coffee that I drink because it messes up my concentration. No, that is not what we are trying to achieve either.
Why: I try and remind myself that this whole thing is about stepping away from addiction and towards dignity. From running away from what is in front of me, to facing it. That is really important to me. When I remember that that is what I am busy with, it is much easier not to snack.
Leo is right. The challenge is to face one urge at a time, not one day at a time. Water helps a lot. Anything to let the urge to snack pass.
Making sure that I eat enough at meal times helps a lot.

To establish a new habit, it is apparently important not to make any exceptions during the initial period. So those two days of weakness are a big issue. I will aim for 7 out of 7 for the next week.

Slave or Master?

2010-04-24T23:20:00.000-07:00

There are two sides to this story.

Here is the first side: I am not in control of my life

I have often tried to change my life. I have tried to slow down and rest more. I’ve read mnmlist.com and become inspired to simplify. Another time I read about cyclists that put together a streak of consecutive days of cycling and copied them for a couple of months. But the truth is that these inspirations come and go. I get the impulse, I take it up fervently, but after a while I simply lose interest. Or something else comes along. But eventually most of them run down. Afterwards I feel guilty about not having stuck to it.

What to make of these repeated resolves, reforms and seemingly inevitable lapses? Byron Katie encourages us to love what 'is' rather than knocking our heads against what should be. So I started wondering about my efforts to change things. If I look at the way things actually are, then the only conclusion to come to is that I am not really in charge. I don't really control what I am inspired by and how long these inspirations last. The reality is that I am just along for the ride.

This made me wonder what things would be like if I followed my life rather than leading it. What would it be like if I just watched myself be inspired, stick with something for a while and then move on to something else? I haven't tried this out, but I am quite sure that there would be less stress and guilt if I didn't feel responsible for leading my life.

In that other film about Truman Capote, Infamous, one of his friends says something like: You can forgive someone a lot who enjoys you. I wonder if this may be true for my relationship with myself as well? Could I enjoy myself, my quirks, weaknesses, habits, all of it? Is this what Lao Tzu meant when he said that we should lead by following?

Here is the second side: Am I actually in control of my life?

The above is of course the exact opposite of what people like Leo at Zenhabits tell us. He preaches transformation, resolve, effort.

Have I just not tried hard and smart enough? I must admit that reading Leo's Habit Change Cheatsheet did teach me a few tricks that I haven't heard of before. Maybe my self reform schemes have just not been serious and systematic enough?

So right now I don't know if I am the slave of my life or the master. But I am interested in finding out. On reflection I think it would be better if I turned out to be master rather than slave. But most of all I don't want to think that I am master while I am slave. Or that I am slave while I am master. I want the bottom line so that I can live according to it.

So I will give this one more try. I will use the Habit Change Cheatsheet to try and change my habit of snacking between meals. Yes, I know, I have heard all the stories about eating 6 small meals rather than 3 big ones. But this is not about food. It is about something much more important than that. It is about finding out whether I the captain of this ship or not.

Life ain’t no damn football game

2010-04-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

I recently watched Cat on a Hot Tin Roof again. A lot of the acting looked amateurish and halting, but the amazing dialogue was as fresh as ever. One of the most memorable speeches is of the dying old patriarch to his son who has never gotten over his glory days as a high school football star. It reminded me of the empty promises of our self-help culture. The lie that life is really a sunday picnic and you could be rich, popular, successful, lean, clever etc if only you followed these five easy steps. And worse still, that it is actually your own fault that you don’t live in this fairy garden.

Anyway, let me shut up, Tennessee Williams makes Big Daddy Pollitt say it much better than I ever could:

You… and lots like you, living in a kid's world playing games, touchdowns, no worries, no responsibilities.Life ain't no damn football game. Life ain't just a bunch of high spots.You're a 30 -year-old kid. Soon you'll be a 50 -year-old kid pretending you hear cheers when there ain't any. Heroes in the real world live 24 hours a day, not just two hours in a game.The truth is pain and sweat. The truth is dreams that don't come true and nobody prints your name in the paper till you die.

This should be read to all the Idols contestants, all the budding sports stars, everybody that dreams of sudden fame and fortune. It may sound dark and pessimistic, but it strokes with the reality of many more people than does the myth of fame that television and magazines try to sell us.

I often think that something is going wrong with my life when things are hard, that I must be doing something wrong, or that I must be in the wrong line of work. But reading something like this on a blue Monday morning is oddly reassuring. It reminds me that life is not all moonshine and roses. And that it is normal to have to make an effort and for some things to be difficult some of the time.

You can read the rest of the stunning script here: www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/c/cat-on-a-hot-tin-roof-script.html

So how do you feel about that?

2010-04-19T05:26:00.000-07:00

Great conversationalists like Truman Capote or Oscar Wilde derived more pleasure from chatting than most. They were masters of the bon mot and knew things about people that no-one else did. Perhaps that is why they specialized in conversations of the tête-à-tête variety.

A lot of what passes as conversation is no more than a boring repetition of what we have been doing. Oscar once said that the only civilized question to ask someone is what they have been thinking, not the more common 'what have you been doing'. That question yields interesting results, but can be a little tricky to ask. It is socially acceptable to ask 'so what have you been up to lately'. But to ask 'what have you been thinking?' can sound a little odd. One way is to ask people how they feel about whatever they are talking about. This gets the focus onto them and makes it a whole lot more likely that they will tell you the interesting and juicy bits that you are after.

You also need to get the spotlight away from yourself and onto the person that you are talking to. If you want to hear amazing things, change focus from talking to listening. From answering to asking questions. Just see Capote in action:

JUANITA QUINN: My husband says you're an old friend of Jake Pepper's.
TC: I've known him ten years.
JUANITA QUINN: Why does he suppose my husband has any connection with this thing?
TC: Thing?
JUANITA QUINN (amazed): You must have heard about it. Well, why does Jake Pepper think my husband's involved?
TC: Does Jake think your husband's involved?
JUANITA QUINN: That's what some people say. My sister told me -
TC: But what do you think?

Another technique of Capote’s was to confide in others. As a result they felt free to confide in him in return. But the risk of this technique is getting carried away with your own story. Share it, but be ready to stop when they try to interrupt you to tell theirs. You have hooked your fish! Time to stop casting and to start reeling in. Shut up and start listening! As Capote says about Willa Cather: “Like all authentic conversationalists, she was an excellent listener, and when it was her turn to talk, she was never garrulous, but crisply pointed.”

But perhaps the most important ingredient in quality conversation is time. Good conversation has to be leisurely and languid. This is perhaps why all the great conversationalists were also great idlers.

The greatest of these is love

2010-04-13T23:50:00.000-07:00

I wrote the blog below after a nasty disagreement:

Greet them from a distance

I like to maintain good relationships with people around me. That makes me friendly and approachable (mostly) but also causes discomfort when not reciprocated. Sometimes my response is to put up a wall of passive aggressive silence or withdrawal. But I normally end up trying to 'clear the air'.

If something seems wrong in a relationship with someone, but I don't have any problems with them, it is their job to tell me what bothers them. I am not responsible for their inability or unwillingness to speak their minds. So my efforts at mending fences that appear to broken compromises my dignity - I am not the only one responsible for keeping things kind. Some people don't want to make the effort required to maintain a good relationship. And continued effort to win and keep their good favour only brings pain and turmoil.

There is a story about Ramakrishna who was wronged by someone. When asked why he was avoiding that person he responded "I still love them and I will greet them when I see them, but from a distance." Being kind doesn't entail being a sucker for punishment.

After I finished writing this, I decided not to publish it. I didn’t want to hurt the parties involved. In its current form, this piece also sounded nasty and a little cliché’d – like all the self-help nonsense about ‘setting boundaries’ etc. So I left it at that. But in its typical way, my sub conscious kept working on it.

First I realized that I was actually scared of how the relevant people would react. And I felt that a writer worth his or her salt should be prepared to publish in the face of such a risk.

Then this morning as I was preparing to start work, the words from 1 Corinthians 13 came to me from nowhere:

[Love] covers all things,
it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,
it endures in all things.

But now remains
faith, hope, love
these three;
but the greatest of these is love.

I don’t have much religion left in me, but these words went straight to my heart. They speak to the sort of person that I want to be and to what will heal our broken world. Given one choice I would rather cover all things, hope all things and endure all things, than greet people from a distance.

Living like a Bird of Prey

2010-04-05T22:37:00.000-07:00

In my previous post I assumed a distinction between work and idleness. I took 'work' to mean that which I do for money and professional prestige and 'idleness' to mean 'doing nothing'. On reading that post, my wife commented that I don't really do nothing when I don't work. When I stop working, she observed, I don't idle. What I have been calling 'idleness' is not doing nothing. This made me wonder about the nature of the things that I have been calling 'idleness' and the nature of what I call 'work'.

Here is what I do when I am not doing the work that I get paid for: reading for pleasure, jogging, doing yoga classes, cycling, napping, washing dishes, sleeping at night, doing errands, walking with my wife, kids and dogs, driving the kids around, watching TV, writing my diary, talking to my wife, playing with the kids, looking after the kids, going to our holiday house for weekends and holidays.

Mark Twain defines work as that which you do from a sense of obligation, what you do because you feel you must. He tells a story of people who drive their horse carts for long distances over the weekend and call it fun. But just make it their job (say to cart people or goods), and they would hate it. After my wife's comment I realized that a lot of what I have been calling 'idleness' is really a form of work, given that it includes things that I do from a sense of obligation, not in the search of fun: doing errands, doing the dishes, sometimes looking after the kids, sometimes doing exercise. Apart from this unpaid labour, even the rest of my nonwork activities, even the ones I do for pleasure, like reading or yoga, have a lot of 'doing' in them. No wonder I am exhausted half the time.

Sports scientist Tim Noakes claims that one of the key differences between elite athletes and the average plodder is the difference between the speed of their slowest and fastest training sessions. Plodders may do as much training as the professionals, but they never really go very fast or slow down enough to rest, they just plod on somewhere between the two. Worse still, they are stuck in a vicious circle: they don't go slow enough when they should be resting, which keeps them tired, and the resulting fatigue makes them too slow when they should be sprinting. So their very plodding prevents them from ever being rested enough to go very fast.

Rather than always going at 50%, I have been dreaming of living like a bird of prey. They sit around for 95% of the day. But when they are active for the other 5%, it is intense and decisive and their prey stands no chance. Long periods of pure idleness is followed up by a flurry of very efficient and effective activity before settling down to rest again. As Samuel Johnson says:

"The idler, though sluggish, is yet alive, and may sometimes be stimulated to vigour and activity. He may descend into sublimity; for the diligence of the idler is rapid and impetuous... But these vehement exertions of intellect cannot be frequent."

The Courage to be Idle

2010-04-01T02:45:00.000-07:00

It is easy to be more efficient. The self help gurus have taught me to cluster tasks, to prioritize, not to multi-task etc. If I make a list of what needs to be done in a day, prioritize it and focus hard, I can do an excellent amount of work in 4 or 5 hours rather than 9 or 10.

More challenging than being efficient, is to be bold enough to enjoy the time that I save. I am lucky enough to have control over a lot of my time. Having fun with the rest of the day, once I have finished being efficient, would probably be even harder if my life were regimented by office hours.

In the 4HWW, Tim Ferris warns of the temptation to fill up this time with more work. But this is only part of the problem. The reason why I feel compelled to fill up this time is that I feel guilty for not working while everybody else seems to be working. Why? I read somewhere that we take being busy and stressed as outward signs of success. We think that being busy means that we are needed and useful. And feeling needed and useful is quite nice really. That is why it is so hard to do nothing while all around me are running.

Interestingly I don't feel this need to be useful when I am travelling. When I am in a place where I don't know anybody, I can happily watch the world go by at 10 am on a Monday morning. I don't understand how this all works, but it looks like this 'work guilt' is self-imposed and can therefore be unlearnt. But 'idler theorists' are divided on this issue. Tom Hodgkinson thinks we can escape from it and claims to know some people who have. Tom Lutz came to the conclusion that we can't after reviewing 400 years of 'idle literature'.

I have also discovered that this problem is more acute when I am 'other directed', rather than 'self-directed'. When I am very clear about my own life and goals, I derive satisfaction from doing things that get me closer to these. And I am happy to stop working when I have done enough of these things in a day. When I forget what I am about, I tend it get swept along by the current of others' preoccupations and even my assumptions about others' preoccupations.

Another reason why I find it hard to stop working after the day's work is finished is that I connect to other people through work. Sad as it may seem, we socialize through work. So when we don't work when everyone else is working, we feel lonely and isolated. If you have never felt this way, take a week's leave midyear while everyone else is working. Day one and two are OK, day three starts getting hard. The following dialogue of Samuel Johnson depicts this problem perfectly:

"Boswell: We grow weary when idle.

Johnson: That is, sir, because others being busy, we want company; but if all are idle, there would be no growing weary; we should all entertain one another."

So what to do? I am still firmly in the clutches of this problem, but I have found some ways to avoid it at least. There are still some places where I can enjoy guilt free idleness during working hours. Click here to see a previous blog about such places.

Another opportunity to escape the treadmill is the point where I have completed the tasks that I put on my to do list for the day. That is the point to stop or at least to take a long break. But I often trap myself into 'checking email one more time' or 'quickly doing one or two more things'. I can often lose a valuable hour or two before I stop wasting time with these wheel spinning activities.

To get past this sink hole in the day, it helps a lot to have at least the first post work activity planned. If I can bridge the gap of the first hour away from my desk, my chances of success are much higher. Jogging or walking, cleaning the pool, or reading a book have all worked for me. Planned like this, I can log off and go straight to the first non-work activity rather than hovering over my desk to just 'quickly check email'.

One other trick is to read about all the amazing people that sang the praises of idleness: Samuel Johnson, Friedrich Nietzsche, Albert Einstein, Oscar Wilde, Bertrand Russell, Robert Louis Stevenson, Herman Mellville, Jean Jacques Rousseau, Walt Whitman, Anton Chekhov, the list goes on and on.Try Stephen Robins's The Importance of being Idle. They remind us that in the end idleness may not be the opposite of productivity after all.

Albert@Next Small Step

Time pressure is good for you

2010-03-29T08:08:00.000-07:00

George Sheehan writes beautifully about how fighter pilots got depressed when they came home after WWII. Why? Because what they did everyday didn’t seem to matter anymore. In a fighter plane in the middle of a war, every move counts. Making coffee and going to the office doesn’t seem to matter quite as much as that.The challenge, writes Sheehan, is to find a way of making everyday life matter as much as the moves of a fighter pilot. How? The world is littered with self-help literature that helps us to connect with our inner purpose. You know where to read more about that.

But a lot of what we have to do has nothing to do with our life’s purpose. Paying bills, cleaning gutters, washing the dishes. What about those tasks? How to do those without feeling like you are lost in a hell of pointlessness? I have found that putting time pressure on those tasks helps. Make a list of tasks that are longer than what you think you can reasonably achieve. Then run like hell to finish them within the deadline. If a task can’t be meaningful in itself, at least you can give it some direction through time pressure.

This game works best if you have something nice to do after that like going for a run, hanging out with your kids or watching a movie. Doing one thing at a time is also central to the success of this trick. Don’t multitask! That just leads to stress and confusion; the complete opposite of what we are trying to achieve.

Working in this way, I have discovered that you can do these chores much faster than you think possible. And after that you can idle and have fun with a clear conscience.

How to stick to your plans Part 4

2009-10-01T21:29:00.000-07:00

OK, it has taken more than 2 weeks to post this last installment :-) I started writing this series of tips on how to stick to your plans.... But then I couldn't stick to my plan of writing the series!

The good news to be gathered from my stumble is that the knowledge of what we ought to do is never lost. Even when we turn away from it for a while. I got wrapped up in other projects and neglected my writing. But the 'knowing' that I ought to be writing did not go away. It just silently gnawed away at me until I finally got back to it. Yesterday a friend told me about a book on how to write a dissertation on 15 minutes day. And that was all I needed - I knew I could give 15 minutes a day to writing - every day. In fact I couldn't believe that I had not been doing this. And of course as soon as I started, I was happy to do more than 15 minutes!

I once read a book on Christian meditation that described this inner reminder as 'Jesus knocking on your door'. The author generously reassures us that even when we ignore it, Jesus keeps on knocking until we answer. Once returned to do doing what you ought to, one does however feel some regret for the time wasted.

So then, back to business: Part 4 of the series.

Keep getting up if you are knocked down.

I think it was Churchill who defined success as getting up one more time than you are knocked down. Just like Rocky!

We need to guard our dignity as human beings and keep on fighting. This is your life! How can you ever think of giving up on your efforts to live it as best you can? You MUST keep on making the best efforts that you can. The alternative is misery and depression.

And whether we see success doesn't even matter that much. We discover dignity in the effort, not in the result. Maybe that is why the French love their cycling heros even more when they lose than when they win. They just love seeing their heroes battle on against all odds. We don't always control the success of our efforts. But we can always keep on trying.

Do it NOW!

Sometimes we simply forget to eat well, go to bed early or write. As I have discovered again, life can be fast and disruptive and before you know it, a day or a week passes that you have not been drinking enough water or writing your journal. Then comes the moment when you realize this. The common response at this point is to feel guilt. A better response is to return to your project immediately.

Have you been eating badly? Make the next meal a healthy one. Not been getting exercise? Go for a run NOW! At this point it doesn't really matter how small the effort is.What matters is that you have turned the tide. Momentum is going back in the right direction. A 10 minutes run will do it. Or 5 minutes of quality time with your partner or children. Just leave the guilt behind and get back to what you should be doing right away.

Is there no end to our efforts?

So there you have 11 of my best tips for sticking to your plans. Can you add to it?

Some of you may be wondering whether we are doomed to this cycle of boom and bust? Will our enthusiasm forever run down and need renewal?

A few of the famous Ethiopian runners have said that their goal is to train so regularly that they feel no resistance to training. Some of the Hindu masters say that once we reach 'enlightenment', everything looks new and fresh all the time. Even Pythagoras encourages us to: “Choose always the way that seems the best, however rough it may be; custom will soon render it easy and agreeable”

So maybe we have a rainbow to aim for after all. If we stick to it, one day we may get over the top of the hill and doing the right thing will be second nature. Until then we have to do the best we can with as much enthusiasm as we can.

How to stick to your plans Part 3

2009-06-30T22:23:00.000-07:00

Here is part 3! Click here to see the previous parts in this series. Have you tried any of the previous tips? What works for you?

Here are some more tips. The fourth and last installment will follow in about 2 weeks.

Look ahead

You don't have control over your past failures or successes anymore. If your goal is to improve in the future, the only question is what you do next. So whether you ate healthily or badly at lunch doesn't really matter anymore. What matters is whether you are going to snack before dinner and what you have at dinner. So forget your successes and failures and focus ALL your energy on what you do next.

Think about what works

Einstein once said that "Insanity = doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." By this definition we are often insane when we try and establish good habits. We tell ourselves that we should simply 'try harder'then do the same things as the previous time we tried to change our behaviour. The alternative is to learn what works and to adapt your efforts accordingly.

Some things work in establishing routines and disciplines. Others don't. And this is all highly personal. All of us have discovered that brute will power only gets you so far. So if we are to succeed, we need to think about what helps us to establish disciplines and what breaks them down.

For example, I have tried all sorts of plans to get to my ideal bicycle racing weight -with varying success. I have now decided to cut bread out of my diet. I will watch the results of this carefully at the scales over the next two weeks. I don't know if this will work, but that is exactly the point - at the end of this experiment I will know if it works.

Reflect on your experiments. Document them. Collect as much information as you can. When do you lapse on your diets? I find that dinner and after dinner poses a particular risk to my eating reforms. My cycling comebacks are at risk when significant non cycling events happen in my life. Spare no efforts in learning about what leads to success or failure.

Approaching this as an experiment also has the fringe benefit of keeping you interested. The focus is away from your willpower and whether you are 'strong' enough to stick with it. Instead the focus is on the experiment and its results. Even if I don't lose weight from this scheme, I am still interested in the results of the experiment. The success/failure model is taken out of the equation.

Reward yourself

I have had a bit of resistance to meditation and retreats for the last while. This last weekend's retreat was particularly hard. But I lasted for the whole thing from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. When I got back home my wife congratulated me with sticking it out. This reminded me to reinforce positive behaviour. Even it is just a mental pat on the back.

I tend to make huge efforts and simply move on when they have been completed. This approach turns life into a list of chores to knock off and ordeals to get through. The alternative is to reward your good behaviour. For one thing it is more fun than punishing your failures.

How to stick to your plans Part 2

2009-06-24T00:09:00.000-07:00

How to stick to your Plans Part 1 gave some tips on how to keep doing the things that we know we are supposed to do. Those good habits that keep on sneaking away from us like a rainbow. This post has three more ideas for how to stop feeling guilty about not doing these things and to start doing them.

Don't change with the times

Whenever a new fashion or fad comes along we are tempted to drop what we are doing and to run off to Tae Bo, Pilates, Alpha Mind Power or whatever the new thing is. Resist the temptation. Remind yourself that you will fall in and out of love with the new thing as well. Stick with your first love. Reap the benefits of sticking with the same thing for a long time. 'Be there' when you have been meditating or running for 20 years. If nothing else, this will give you bragging rights. Check the running streak guys out for some inspiration.

Establish routines

It only takes 21 days to establish a habit. Imagine if your other good habits could become as ingrained as brushing teeth or eating with a knife and fork. No agonizing, no big efforts and committments. Just doing what needs doing.

And this is entirely possible. Why shouldn't meditating twice a day or drinking 5 glasses of water a day become as 'second-nature' as having a shower in the morning? The only difference that I can see is habit.

So here's a challenge: stick to whatever good behaviour you are trying to establish for 21 consecutive days. And maybe try the other things that help establish habits: Do it at the same time every day, Do it in the same place if you can, Maybe even wear the same clothes - anything that can help you train yourself to turn to this task routinely.

Hang out with likeminded people

The main reason why I have kept on cycling more or less continuously for the last 25 years is that I have good friends and family that ride. Seeing these people and hearing their cycling stories (again and again :-) has inspired me to keep going or to make a bigger effort. There is always somebody ready to go for a ride or talk about riding. All that I have to do is to keep on hanging out with these people.

Look out for part 3 in this series in 10 days or so!

How to stick to your plans Part 1

2009-06-01T00:23:00.000-07:00

All of us have things that we know we are supposed to do, but that we somehow neglect to do. Drinking enough water, getting enough exercise and sleep, or eating healthily. We learn about things like this from a class, a friend or a good book. And it is as if we fall in love. We start doing exercise or meditating and we love it and the way that it makes us feel.

This lasts for some time and then slowly the initial thrill wears off. We still know that this thing is good for us and that we should do it. We even feel good when we do get around to it. But by and large the fervor is gone. And it seems to become a constant battle to not neglect doing it.

In many cases we just give up, but the guilt and knowledge of what we should be doing never goes away. So what to do if you don't want to play the guilt and shame game? Here are some of the remedies that I have experimented with.

Confess!

I have often been re inspired by simply talking my slackness through with someone else. Someone that you respect works best. But a good friend with similar interests will also work. I sometimes just get too wrapped up in my own problems and dramas. Simply 'putting it out there' is often enough to burn off the smog.

Just do a little

Cyclist Greg Lemond used to tell himself that he would just train for 20 minutes and would give himself permission to turn around if after that time he still did not feel like training. Invariably after 20 minutes he would be having fun and complete a full training session.

I have had some success with the same approach with writing, meditation and healthy eating (tell yourself that you will have some of the healthy stuff first). With a bit of luck you discover that the hardest part is to get yourself to start.

Remind yourself why

Many times we simply forget why we embarked on this discipline in the first place. Take some quiet time and ask yourself why you started running or reading good books in the first place. Chances are that you will remember that you really love it or that it makes you the kind of person you want to be.

In Haruki Murakami's "What I talk about when I talk about running" he writes beautifully about how daily running is woven into his life and career. If you can rediscover your personal connection with a discipline, chances are that you will stick to it.

I will post some more tips over the next few weeks. But in the meantime, tell us what else has worked for you?

Discover yourself in Boredom

2009-05-19T02:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the best thing that you can do is nothing at all. Yet most of us dread being at a loose end: That space after the completion of a big project or the end of a relationship or just being stuck in traffic or when there isn't anything good on television.

When we get to the point where we don't have anything pressing to do or we are waiting for someone else, we make a phone call, send a text message, check email or generally fidget around with whatever we can lay our hands on. As Carol Johnson says in her recent article The Joy of Boredom :

"Increasingly, these empty moments are being saturated with productivity, communication, and the digital distractions offered by an ever-expanding array of slick mobile devices."

The Fear of Boredom and Loneliness

Johnson also points out that the fear of boredom is linked to fear of loneliness and isolation:

"Today, there is a growing fear of the prospect of being untethered in the world without the security blanket of a cellphone. There is this hyper-anxiety over feeling lonely or disconnected," said Kathleen Cumiskey, a professor of psychology a…who says her stepdaughter sleeps with her cellphone at arm's length and considers turning the device off unthinkable. "Our society is perpetually anxious, and a way to alleviate the anxiety is to delve into something that's very within our control, pleasurable, and fun. . . .It feels like it has all the makings of addiction."

This is luckily not the only way of thinking about boredom and loneliness.

The value of Boredom and Loneliness

As Friedrich Nietzsche tells us: "If you stare into the Abyss long enough, the Abyss stares back at you." Or in the famous Zen story Nan-in tells the Professor that he can't teach him Zen because his mind is too full; that he needs to empty it out before anything new will go into it.

When we let ourselves experience loneliness and boredom, we come closer to the space from which creativity and contentment emerge. It is out of the disorientation of isolation that new ideas and peace of mind are often born. As Johnson says:

"The most creative people… are known to have the greatest toleration for long periods of uncertainty and boredom… steeping inuninterrupted boredom may be the first step toward feeling connected. It may take a little bit of tolerance of an initial feeling of boredom, to discover a comfort level with not being linked in and engaged and stimulated every second," said Jerome C. Wakefield, a professor of social work at New York University and co-author of "The Loss of Sadness."
"There's a level of knowing yourself, of coming back to baseline, and knowing who you truly are."
'If you think of boredom as the prelude to creativity, and loneliness as the prelude to engagement of the imagination, then they are good things,' said Dr. Edward Hallowell… 'They are doorways to something better, as opposed to something to be abhorred and eradicated immediately.'

In the end the words 'boredom' and 'loneliness' are just negative ways of looking at fundamental parts of human experience.

How to be bored

The trick to benefitting from being bored or lonely is simply to allow it. When you find yourself being bored or lonely or even just scared of being bored and lonely - don't resist it. Just let yourself experience it.

Another way of discovering the gifts of boredom and loneliness is to spend some time doing nothing at all on purpose. Simply set an alarm to mark the time, go and sit on the couch and do nothing at all. No cell phones, no company, no books, no television, nothing.

You could start with as little as 2-3 minutes and stretch it to longer periods as you become more comfortable with it. But be warned, 3 minutes of nothing can feel like an eternity.

Even more importantly, you will start noticing what is going on in your mind and body. And that is where the fun starts! Let me know what you find.

Supple Body, Supple Mind

2009-05-10T00:03:00.000-07:00

Stretching is a free pleasure that you should avail yourself of. Not all spiritual work is physical. Sometimes working on the body goes directly to the source of the problem.

Apart from being fun, a supple body works better, recovers better and can do more things.Twenty years of yoga and stretching has also convinced me that suppleness of the body translates to suppleness of mind. When I stretch regularly I become more resilient and accommodating in general.

Stretching also combines well with almost any other form of exercise. Want to run or cycle faster? Want to chase better in tennis or squash? And to relax after a long day of work? Stretching is the answer.

So where to start?

Easy does it.
Regularity does it. Start with a few minutes every second day.
Its is best to start under the supervision of an instructor. A beginners yoga class is a good entry point.
When it hurts, back off.
Hamstrings and quads are the most important. The dogstretch does your hammies well. Youtube shows you how. Your quads are done like this.
Stretching is about relaxing, not competing.
If you have only a few minutes a day, learn the Salute to the Sun. Learn how on youtube.
When you are starting off, make sure you keep yourself hydrated. Dehydration stiffens you up further.
If backpain is your problem, try the Cat stretch (See it in Youtube)

Two amazing books

2009-05-06T09:37:00.000-07:00

Blog posts can't always be systematic, coherent and make a point. So some random thoughts on two amazing books that I have just read.

Treading your path

First Haruki Murakami's What I talk about when I talk about running. A colleague told me about it some months ago, and then I stumbled on it while looking for a birthday present for my brother, a runner.

After completing a triathlon Murakami reflects: "Even if, seen from the outside, or from some higher vantage point this sort of life looks pointless or futile, or even extremely inefficient, it doesn't bother me... Whether its good for anything or not, cool or totally uncool, in the final analysis what's most important is what you can't see but can feel in your heart... There may not seem to be much logic to it, but its the life I have chosen for myself."

A little later he says: "My time, the rank I attain, my outward appearance - all of these are secondary. For a runner like me, what's really important is reaching the goal I set for myself, under my own power. I give it everything I have, endure what needs enduring, and am able, in my own way, to be satisfied."

Soaring from an Eagle's Throat

Then I followed Michael Ondaantje's recommendation to read Annie Dillard. By chance I found Teaching a stone to talk in a second hand bookstore. A short essay in it, "Living like Weasels" is pure gold.

She tells the story of how a friend found an eagle with the dry skull of a weasel still attached to its throat. She guesses that the eagle caught the weasel, but that the weasel got hold of the eagle's throat and hung on to the very end and beyond. This sets her off on the following reflection: "I think it would be well, and proper, and obedient, and pure, to grasp your one necessity and not let it go, to dangle from it limp wherever it takes you. Then even death, where you're going no matter how you live, cannot you part. Seize it and let it seize you up aloft even, till your eyes burn out and drop, let your musky flesh fall off in shreds, and let your very bones unhinge and scatter, loosened over fields, over fields and woods, lightly, thoughtless, from any height at all, from as high as eagles."

Somehow these two extracts seem to be talking about the same thing. About determination, about how we play the game, and about keeping our eyes on the ball and not on the scoreboard. One step at a time.

A story about minding my own business

2009-04-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

Twice before I have posted on the need to focus on our own actions rather than other people's (click here to read those).

Here is a description of my ongoing real life experiments in minding my own business:

THE SCENARIO

Last week I was returning to my Karate classes after a short absence. There had been some changes in class times because of holidays and I texted our coach to ask what time the class would be, but got no response. Later I checked class times on the dojo website. When I arrived at the class, it turned out that my class was at another time.

By now I was fuming. I confronted the coach who told me that 'holidays were over' and class times were back to normal. I told him that that was not what the website said. He looked at me sceptically, was nowhere near apologizing and asked if I could come back later for my class. I said that I would see what I could do, but pretty much walked out being very angry and frustrated.

MY FIRST REACTION

Driving back I felt that he didn't care about me, was wasting my time, and didn't embody the spirit of Karate etc etc. I was very angry and wanted to quit.

MY SECOND REACTION

My 7-year old son goes to the same dojo and I started thinking about what my quitting in a huff would be teaching him. That rocked me back to sanity.

A little later I realized that the only question that I needed to consider was really whether I enjoy going to Karate and whether I wanted to keep on going. Easy one: Yes. Could I come back later for my class. Easy again: Yes Did it matter what he did? No Did I have to react to what he did: No

In the end what the coach did or didn't do is not my business . My business is what I want to do. And I was limiting my options by my desire to get back at the coach in some way.

Forgetting about what he did and I focusing on what I want to do left me feeling completely free. I think Epictetus and Byron Katie would have smiled.

Are you successful?

2009-04-18T22:16:00.000-07:00

As 40 approaches, I find myself harassed by questions of whether I have been a success at work, writing, cycling etc. Reminders of my own transience drive me to questions of whether I have done all that I could have with my life.

About the recipes for success...

I am as inspired as the next guy by the success literature out there. You know the books & blogs that tell us that we can have it if we believe it etc. But most of these seem to contribute more to the author's success than anybody else's. I suspect that we need something more balanced than some of the recipes that are sold to us: It's never just about what we do or think. Or even about what others do or think. And most of our definitions of success probably need work as well.

In panicked moments I feel like I have stopped short in key aspects of my life. In calmer moments I also see a lot that I am proud of. I don't have any solutions to these trains of thought...

BUT HERE ARE SOME PROVISIONAL IDEAS ABOUT SUCCESS:

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards - philosopher Kierkegaard.
I have very little idea of what the consequences of my actions may be or where they may lead to. Some casual pursuits blossom into big things. Some huge efforts come to naught.

Also, some 'successes' and 'failures' I never even hear about. Like when a friend tells me about how a blog post that I wrote a few ago helped a group of his students. Yet, at the time that I wrote it, I didn't think that it attracted much attention.

No man is an island.
The results of what we do depends as much on what other people and things do or don't do as what we do ourselves. Just ask Vincent van Gogh. So taking all the blame or credit for success or failure is never honest.

Also, some of my greatest opportunities had little to do with my own efforts. But being patient, relaxed and open to these possibilities does seem to play a role in the regularity with which they present themselves.

“It doesn't get easier; you just get faster” - cyclist Greg Lemond.
As I grow and age, I set my standards higher and higher. I become blasé about past achievements. What once seemed impossible pales into insignificance once I have achieved it.

If I REALLY want it, I should never, never, never give up.
George Foreman became world boxing champion at age 45. Vladimir Kotov won the grueling Comrades Marathon aged 46. A friend's grandmother had her first art exhibition at age 87. It's never over.

"I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it." - comedian Jonathan Winters
Success is normally closer than I think. Taking genuine steps towards my deepest ideals are often reward enough in themselves. For me this means taking time for writing, reading, cycling, family.

The only useful question to ask is what my next move is.
Dwelling on the success or failure of what I did in the past leads to either nostalgia or regret. And neither of those produce anything that I find useful. The more useful question is what is the best that I can do now...

Can you you take my musings one step further?

PS You can now follow me on Twitter. It fills the sometimes longish gaps between blog posts.

Concentrate or die

2009-04-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

A few days ago Leo at Zenhabits posted on an "Ultra-simple 3-Step Productivity System for Getting Amazing Things Done " His post deals with prioritisation and concentration. But I found what he had to say about concentration the most interesting. (What he calls 'Something Amazing' is whatever task you have prioritised):

"clear away ALL distractions: notifications for email, IM, Twitter, and anything else that might pop up or make a noise, your phones, all mobile devices any clutter in front of you (just shove it in a drawer or put it on the floor to clear away later), and most importantly, The Internet. Yes, turn off the Internet... If possible, go somewhere where there are no distractions and no Internet connection. Tell everyone you work with that you will be incommunicado for an hour or three working on an important project...

Once you’ve holed yourself up, don’t work on anything except the Something Amazing. Seriously. Resist any urges to switch tasks or check on something or get up and talk to someone. Those urges will come up, trust me. It’s like an addiction — you just have to get through them. Steel yourself, and just sit there breathing deeply (with your head between your legs, if that helps) until the urge passes. Then get back to work on the Something Amazing."

Concentration is a noun AND a verb

Concentration is not just a noun, it is also a verb. It is not just something that we acquire an ability to do. It is also something that we are doing or not doing. So the complaint that I can't concentrate today is not the whole truth. It is also true that I am not making the effort to concentrate. As Leo says: when we don't concentrate we are simply choosing to go with the distractions that present themselves.

Concentration feels good, is fast and getting even faster

Applying yourself to one task 100% is astonishingly efficient. It is always hard to believe how much I can get done in a short time. Sit down and concentrate on that one thing you need to do and you will be amazed by how quickly you get it done. It seems we spend more time thinking about things than doing them :-)

More good news is that your concentration investments will be rewarded exponentially. As it works out, concentration has momentum. I have found that when I make the effort to steer past the first few distractions, concentration becomes easier. I suspect that when we dodge the first few distractions,we become so absorbed in the task that we don't notice as many distractions as before.

Applying my faculties in a concentrated manner always leaves me feeling good. Sure there is some sense of accomplishment. But it goes further than that. Making a real fist of a task shows me what I am really capable of. For so much of our lives we potter along at 25% of capacity. Turning the engines on full blast serves as a reminder of how great we can be.

Concentration = Being Alive

But the practice of concentration is not just about efficiency and getting work done. In one of the old classics of self-help literature, How to Live on 24 Hours a Day , Arnold Bennett argues that "without the power to concentrate--that is to say, without the power to dictate to the brain its task and to ensure obedience--true life is impossible. Mind control is the first element of a full existence."

When we don't make the effort to concentrate, we stay on the surface of things. Whether it is talking to our significant others, working or playing sport. Jumping from one distraction to the next leaves us dissatisfied and looking for meaning in our lives.

Try it! The next time you start feeling dissatisfied with something in your life, give it some undivided attention for an extended period of time. In my experience I always come away from this excersize with more enthusiasm, love and compassion. But try it yourself.

Concentration is only about you

I know, it seems as if the odds are stacked against concentrating on anything for longer than a few seconds. But as Epictetus tells us, our ability to apply our minds is ultimately "free from hindrance, subject to no compulsion, unimpeded, and entirely in our own power". Or as Arnold Bennet says: "nothing whatever happens to us outside our own brain; nothing hurts us or gives us pleasure except within the brain."

As Leo says, we are addicted to distraction. But addiction is a disease. And we can heal ourselves by fighting one distraction at a time. Fighting distraction is literally fighting for our lives.

A few small changes & And a birthday

2009-04-08T06:11:00.000-07:00

I've made a few changes to the Next Small Step that will make it easier for you to comment and share. I've also changed the 'look'. Let me know what you think.

Albert

Don't be a hindrance to yourself

2009-03-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

I think that I have made some progress in understanding Epictetus's "Of things which are in our Power, and not in our Power." I hope you have had a chance to look at the Epictetus quotes in last week's post - he definitely rewards the effort of repeated reading.

Anyway, if I can be so bold as to summarise such wisdom, Epictetus seems to be saying two things:

First that we should "be content with what has been given to us". By this he means that we should practice being content with the things that are under our control and with all the things that are not . He mentions examples of the wind not blowing when we want to go sailing or that the authorities can decide to put you in jail or cut your head off (in some countries :-). Here he is really talking about what Byron Katie calls God's business and other peoples' business. Being content with what we have and don't have would already be amazing, but Epictetus goes further.

His second point is that we "should not be a hindrance to ourselves". By this he seems to mean that while we don't have control over all things, we limit ourselves even further by the limits that we impose on ourselves. So in addition to the external things that limit us, we impose a second layer of limits ourselves.

Thinking about myself, I am a hindrance to myself when I act on the basis of what I think other people may think. This doesn't mean that I want to become a Jim Morisson that does whatever he wants and to hell with the rest. But often I could just ask the relevant person whether they would be bothered by what I want to do, rather than limiting myself outright.

Or lets say that I am at a really boring party or conference where I don't know anyone and I am not really finding anyone to talk to. I would often keep on trying or feel awkward about being alone in a crowd. Whereas one could go sit somewhere quiet with a book or go home. I think that Epictetus' point is that we are a lot freer than we allow ourselves to be, especially in the small everyday social interactions.

Let me not create the illusion that I have all of this figured out and working in my life. I like these ideas and am trying to use them on a daily basis. So I would love to hear what you have found in similar situations.

What is 'my business'? Help from Epictetus

2009-03-27T01:20:00.000-07:00

A while ago we posted on Byron Katie's distinction between my business, your business and God's business (click here to read). I like this distinction, but in practice it is not so easy to figure out which category the thing in front of you falls into. It is easy enough to say that deciding whether I want to do what my boss asks of me is my business. But if I say no and he fires me, did I not bring this on myself? Did something I did as 'my business' no cause something that is 'his business'?

It is with these questions in mind that I have been studying Epictetus "Of the things which are in our Power, and not in our Power". Epictetus's 2000 year old Discourses will put any modern day self-help guru to shame. And it is freely available from a number of internet sites. So put away your Eckhardt Tolle and get stuck into Epictetus!

I haven't really digested his wisdom, so I decided to give you some extracts from "Of the things which are in our Power, and not in our Power". Once I manage to put some of his insights into practice, I will post my own thoughts. Enjoy the master! But a word of warning: read this a few times if you want full benefit!

... that which is best of all and supreme over all is the only thing which the gods have placed in our power, the right use of appearances; but all other things they have not placed in our power. Was it because they did not choose? I indeed think that, if they had been able, they would have put these other things also in our power, but they certainly could not. For as we exist on the earth, and are bound to such a body and to such companions, how was it possible for us not to be hindered as to these things by externals?

But what says Zeus ? "Epictetus, if it were possible, I would have made both your little body and your little property free and not exposed to hindrance. But now be not ignorant of this: this body is not yours, but it is clay finely tempered. And since I was not able to do for you what I have mentioned, I have given you a small portion of us, this faculty of pursuing an object and avoiding it, and the faculty of desire and aversion, and, in a word, the faculty of using the appearances of things; and if you will take care of this faculty and consider it your only possession, you will never be hindered, never meet with impediments; you will not lament, you will not blame, you will not flatter any person."

"Well, do these seem to you small matters?" I hope not. "Be content with them then and pray to the gods." But now when it is in our power to look after one thing, and to attach ourselves to it, we prefer to look after many things, and to be bound to many things, to the body and to property, and to brother and to friend, and to child and to slave. Since, then, we are bound to many things, we are depressed by them and dragged down. For this reason, when the weather is not fit for sailing, we sit down and torment ourselves, and continually look out to see what wind is blowing. "It is north." What is that to us? "When will the west wind blow?" When it shall choose, my good man, or when it shall please AEolus ; for God has not made you the manager of the winds, but AEolus. What then? We must make the best use that we can of the things which are in our power, and use the rest according to their nature. What is their nature then? As God may please.

What then should a man have in readiness in such circumstances? What else than "What is mine, and what is not mine; and permitted to me, and what is not permitted to me." I must die. Must I then die lamenting? I must be put in chains. Must I then also lament? I must go into exile. Does any man then hinder me from going with smiles and cheerfulness and contentment? "Tell me the secret which you possess." I will not, for this is in my power. "But I will put you in chains." Man, what are you talking about? Me in chains? You may fetter my leg, but my will not even Zeus himself can overpower. "I will throw you into prison." My poor body, you mean. "I will cut your head off." When, then, have I told you that my head alone cannot be cut off? These are the things which philosophers should meditate on, which they should write daily, in which they should exercise themselves.

Thrasea used to say, "I would rather be killed to-day than banished to-morrow." What, then, did Rufus say to him? "If you choose death as the heavier misfortune, how great is the folly of your choice? But if, as the lighter, who has given you the choice? Will you not study to be content with that which has been given to you?"

What, then, did Agrippinus say? He said, "I am not a hindrance to myself." When it was reported to him that his trial was going on in the Senate, he said, "I hope it may turn out well; but it is the fifth hour of the day"- this was the time when he was used to exercise himself and then take the cold bath- "let us go and take our exercise." After he had taken his exercise, one comes and tells him, "You have been condemned." "To banishment," he replies, "or to death?" "To banishment." "What about my property?" "It is not taken from you." "Let us go to Aricia then," he said, "and dine."

This it is to have studied what a man ought to study; to have made desire, aversion, free from hindrance, and free from all that a man would avoid. I must die. If now, I am ready to die. If, after a short time, I now dine because it is the dinner-hour; after this I will then die. How? Like a man who gives up what belongs to another.