Nibble & Spew

Phone Interview

2015-03-05T12:10:00.000-05:00

Say that again?

2014-12-23T06:53:00.000-05:00

Comic from summer 2013.

For the culturally otherwise, Dick's Sporting Goods is a chain of stores in the USA.

How to Be Merp

2014-11-20T13:47:00.000-05:00

Haiku Under the Influence

2014-10-25T16:52:00.000-04:00

Another interesting choice I made during summer 2013. Was I going to make a series out of this? Who knows?

At the Doctor

2014-09-14T22:36:00.001-04:00

Lifestyle Blogs Hate Her

2014-09-05T01:43:00.001-04:00

Today, I attacked a stack of papers that has been on my desk since June. This yielded surprising results--cartoons I drew months ago and never posted! This one is in honor of my general lifestyle.

What to Name Your Baby

2014-07-04T21:06:00.000-04:00

Mom vs. Deer

2014-06-19T11:40:00.001-04:00

I've gotten a new computer since the last post, and this one has zero image-editing capabilities. So the comics are going to be dark for a while.

Portmanteaus

2014-01-15T23:23:00.002-05:00

my camera is terrible
the light in my room is terrible
but at least we have each other

and this

Merp Gets an A

2014-01-04T02:05:00.000-05:00

Cet automne, j’étais très occupée. J’ai assisté à mes cours et j’ai fait presque tous mes devoirs. Vers la fin du semestre—non, je plaisante, c’était malheureusement le milieu—je commençais à m’ennuyer pendant l’un de mes cours de psychologie. J’ai décidé alors d’arrêter la façade de taper des notes avec un air sérieux et assidu. À partir de cet instant, je passais les cours en dessinant avec Microsoft Paint. (Le crayon mâché des logiciels pour dessiner.) Mais je gardais l’air sérieux et assidu.
This fall, I was very busy. I went to my classes and did almost all of my homework. Near the end of the semester—just kidding, it was unfortunately the middle of the semester—I started to get bored during one of my psychology classes. I decided to stop the façade of typing up notes with a serious, diligent look on my face. From then on, I spent these classes drawing in Microsoft Paint. (The chewed pencil of drawing programs.) But I held on to the air of seriousness and diligence.

Aujourd’hui, c’était Halloween. Une fille s’est déguisée comme Andy Warhol. On a appris que dépenser de l’argent pour les autres nous donne plus de bonheur que dépenser pour nous-mêmes. J’avais eu trop de caféine. On a parlé des femmes qui vendent leurs ovules.
Today was Halloween. Someone dressed up as Andy Warhol. We learned that spending money on others makes you happier than spending money on yourself. I had had too much caffeine. We talked about women selling their eggs.

J’avais vraiment eu trop de caféine. Le professeur a erré hors sujet. On a parlé de donner son sang et la hiérarchie de Maslow.
I had really had too much caffeine. The professor lurched off-topic. We talked about donating blood and Maslow’s hierarchy.

Beaucoup d'aspects du comportement des humains sont irrationnels, surtout nos moyens de chercher le bonheur. L’argent. Personne ne lit de livres académiques.
Many things about human behavior are irrational, especially the way we seek happiness. Money. No one reads academic books.

La technologie n’est pas bonne pour les cerveaux et les rapports, mais on l’aime comme un fou quand même.
Technology isn’t good for our brains or our relationships, but we are crazy in love with it anyway.

On a un moi privé et un moi public. Les « millennials » ne savent quoi faire avec des tas de papier. On traite les autres des machines « sur demande. » Rectangles.
We have a private self and a public self. Millennials don’t know what to do with heaps of paper. We treat others like on-demand machines. Rectangles.

Je suis distraite. On n’entend pas ce qu’on ne veut pas entendre. Le prof a une question pour nous.
I am daydreaming. We don’t hear what we don’t want to hear. The professor has a question for us.

Juice Lawn: The Cheese Amplifier

2013-09-24T01:40:00.001-04:00

I've decided to turn to a random word generator for post titles when my Ouija board produces inconclusive results. This has the disadvantage of making post titles read like spam. I am pleased.

J’ai décidé de m’adresser à un générateur de mots aléatoires pour intituler mes posts quand mon planche de Ouija ne produit pas de résultats satisfaisants. Cela a l’effet de faire rassembler les titres des posts au spam. Ça me plaît.

Playing with markers--ah, what precision!

Jouer avec des feutres fins—quelle précision!

Lana del Rey, "Diet Mountain Dew"

This is Merp College.
C’est Merp College.

I refuse to take an art class;

2013-09-02T21:33:00.000-04:00

I prefer not to know what I'm doing.

TWO DRAWINGS:

In honor of those who are flying back to college.

Pour ceux qui prennent l’avion pour retourner à l’université.

In honor of dog people.

Pour ceux qui aiment les chiens.

Forgetting Stuff is Easy

2013-07-29T22:59:00.000-04:00

This time, I forgot that I drew a bunch of comics several weeks ago. Comics that are sitting around and waiting to be used. See below.

This one is from a road trip with Le Dad. We had stopped at a rest area to eat snax, and a haggard-looking woman approached us.

And this one, like so many others, is unfortunately based on real life.

When You Are Sick on the 4th of July

2013-07-05T14:22:00.000-04:00

Moyens de s’amuser le 4 juillet quand il fait 32 C, on a une fièvre, et il n’y a pas de climatisation

Habille-toi pour fêter l’anniversaire du pays.

Puis, arrache tout parce que 1) ta température corporelle a grimpé en flèche, et 2) tu vas passer toute la journée seule dans ta chambre quand même.

Remplis deux bouteilles à eau. Mets l’une dans un frigo. Bois l’autre.

Reremplis celle qui est maintenant vide. Mets-la dans le frigo. Bois celle qui est maintenant froide. Répètes.

Toute la journée.

Divises ton temps également parmi ton lit...

...ton plancher...

...et le canapé dans le bâtiment climatisé le plus proche.

Personne n’a dit que tu ne peux pas acclamer la parade pendant que tu es affalé(e) sur ton bureau!

Établis une relation intime avec ton ventilateur.

Marche à quatre pattes à la cantine pour manger.

Mange seul(e) et sans énergie. Passer la peste à ses amis, ce n'est pas très patriotique.

Aies des hallucinations dues à la fièvre qui compensent pour le fait que tu as tout raté.

How to Conduct Modern Warfare

2013-06-26T20:38:00.001-04:00

I left my brother a note.

(J’ai laissé un petit mot pour mon frère.)

S'il te plaît, ne laisse pas tes cheveux ni sur le lavabo ni sur le comptoir.

He responded with this.
(Il a répondu comme ça.)

Aucun accès à l’eau courante

Frère laisse des cheveux dégoûtants sur le lavabo

Graduation Ceremony Awards That Won't Put You to Sleep

2013-06-10T21:29:00.000-04:00

FRANÇAIS

(English version after)

Recemment, j’ai eu l’honneur d’assister à la remise des diplômes du lycée de mon frère. Les cérémonies et les sottises ont duré presqu’une semaine. Il me faut dire que si jamais j’écoute un autre discours qui commence en définissant une idée comme « la justice » ou « le temps », ou qui inclue une citation de Dr. Seuss, je me lèverais et je vomirais en direction de l’orateur. Un autre effet secondaire de la semaine passée est que maintenant je suis vaccinée de la musique classique.

Pendant la Cérémonie Traditionnelle de la Remise des Prix Supplémentaires aux Mêmes Cinq Personnes, ce qui avait l’audace de retarder encore le Renoncement Final des Diplômes, je rêvais un peu et j’ai inventé par accident un tas de nouveaux prix.

Bourse de Sneed H. Bargleworth

Pour ce/cette terminale dont le nom gagnerait le plus des points dans un jeu de Scrabble.

Coupe de Calvina B. Nerble

Pour ce/cette terminale qui a changé de coiffure le plus de fois pendant le lycée.

Bourse de Hamlet E. Bickering

Pour ce/cette terminale notoire pour être le/la plus grand(e) geignard(e).

Prix de Merp Merpson

Pour ce/cette terminale qui étudia dans ce lycée pendant au moins deux ans, sans jamais réussir à se distinguer d'une quelconque façon.

Coupe de Borfling T. Tinderson

Pour ce/cette étudiant(e) que les professeurs ont reconnu(e) comme l’auteur des compositions les plus ennuyeuses dans toute la promotion.

Coupe commémorative de Pol Kwoi Tai Chu

Pour ce/cette terminale d’extraction asiatique dont les parents refusent de lui permettre de retourner chez eux sans gagner de récompense.

Prix de Frère de Merpson

Pour ce/cette terminale qui arrive aux cours en retard le plus souvent sans être expulsé(e).

Prix de Herbert C. Biscuit

Pour ce/cette terminale qui a commandé à emporter le plus souvent au lieu d’aller à la cantine.

Bourse de Bradford N. Bobblehead

Pour ce/cette terminale qui a déjà plus de prix qu’il/elle ne peut en porter dans les bras.

Bourse de Hermania Suupkachalutt Vogh-Everson di Cioccolati

Pour ce/cette terminale qui porte le nom le plus long et/ou le plus « ethnique ».

Coupe de Barbara Kleinglass

Pour ce/cette terminale qui n’arrivait pas à « montrer » au lieu de « dire » dans ses compositions. Venez me voir à la fin du cours.

Prix de Bob “M’sieur Peufiable” Olmsted

Pour ce/cette terminale ou ce groupe de terminales jugé(e) le/la plus responsable pour le pire scandale de l’alcool ou de drogue de l’année.

Comme toujours, n’hésites pas à me laisser un commentaire si j’ai fait une faute en français, ou si, par coïncidence, j’ai nommé la bourse fondée par ton arrière-grand-père.

...

ENGLISH

I recently had the honor of attending Sibling's graduation from high school. The ceremonies and bluster lasted nearly a week. I have to say, if I ever hear another speech that begins by defining a concept like "justice" or "time", or that includes a Dr. Seuss quote, I will stand up and projectile-vomit at the speaker. Another side effect of this past week is that I am now immune to classical music.

During the Customary Awarding of Supplementary Prizes to the Same Five People, which had the audacity to further delay the final Relinquishing of the Diplomas, my mind wandered and I accidentally invented a slew of new awards.

Sneed H. Bargleworth Scholarship

To be awarded to that member of the graduating class whose name would get the highest score in Scrabble.

Calvina B. Nerble Cup

To be awarded to that four-year senior who has changed his or hairstyle the most times during high school.

Hamlet E. Bickering Scholarship

For that senior widely recognized as the most whiny member of the graduating class.

Merp Merpson Award

Awarded to that senior who, having attended this high school for two or more years, has completely failed to distinguish him- or herself in any way.

Borfling T. Tinderson Cup

To be awarded to that student whom the faculty have recognized as the author of the most boring essays in the graduating class.

Wai Yu Fe-Il Memorial Cup

To be awarded to that senior of Asian descent whose parents will not let him or her return home without an award.

Sibling de Merpson Award

For that senior who has arrived late to class the most times without being suspended.

Herbert C. Biscuit Award

To be awarded to that senior who has ordered takeout instead of going to the dining hall the most times.

Bradford N. Bobblehead Scholarship

Awarded to that senior who already has more prizes than he or she can carry.

Hermania Suupkachalutt Vogh-Everson di Cioccolati Scholarship

To be awarded to that senior with the longest and/or most “ethnic” name.

Barbara Kleinglass Cup

For that member of the graduating class who most consistently “told” and did not “show” in his or her written assignments. See me after class.

Bob “Ol’ Unreliable” Olmsted Award

For that senior or group of seniors deemed most responsible for the worst alcohol or drug scandal of the year.

As always, don’t hesitate to comment if I’ve made a mistake in French or if I’ve coincidentally named the scholarship that your great-grandfather founded.

New Markers, French Coffee, Nose Ring, and more

2013-05-25T14:40:00.000-04:00

J’AI ACHETÉ DE NOUVEAUX STYLOS
I GOT NEW MARKERS

French coffee: size vs. effect

Tu ressembles à celui-ci le jour où tu obtiens un anneau de nez...

mais tu as l’impression de ressembler à celui-là

“Ma famille d’accueil est formidable! Je crois qu’ils m’aiment plus que vous m’aimez.”

“Ils ne sont obligés que te supporter un semestre. Nous, nous t’avons pour la vie.”

“Ça n’aide pas votre côté, Maman et Papa.”

Is there life after Nutella?

2013-05-14T13:17:00.000-04:00

Je suis enfin revenue de la France. Le semestre était bien passé en général, grâce aux Français et Américains qui ont accepté de devenir amis avec moi. C’était une expérience singulière. Heureusement, la plupart de mes blagues se traduisaient assez bien.

Je ne voulais pas retourner aux Etats-Unis. Mais dans l’avion, coincé entre un type qui inclinait son siège à 3 cm de mon nez et un petit garçon qui utilisait le dos de mon siège comme un punching ball, je me suis mise à penser aux choses heureuses qui m’attendaient au Pays de la Liberté Débordante. Voilà le fruit de mes efforts. Et comme d’habitude, laissez-moi un commentaire si vous trouvez une faute dans mon français.

I’ve finally returned from France. The semester was generally well spent, thanks to the French and Americans who agreed to be friends with me. It was a singular experience. Fortunately, most of my jokes translated rather well.

I didn’t want to return to the States. But on the plane, stuck between a guy who’d reclined his seat to within 3 cm of my nose and a small boy who was using the back of my seat as a punching bag, I started thinking about the happy things that awaited me in the Country of Overflowing Freedom. Here are the fruits of my efforts.

Qu'est-ce que j'anticipe le plus aux Etats-Unis?
Porter des pantalons de survêt. Ouaiiis.

Effrayer mes parents avec mon anneau de nez

LE BEURRE DE CACAHUÈTES

Courir sans subir des regards comme ça

"Bonjour. Je n'ai aucune idée de comment il faut faire les choses comme adulte dans ce pays, mais je viens de les faire toutes dans ma deuxième langue dans un pays étranger, donc je crois que je peux me débrouiller. Capische?”

“Je ne voulais que vérifier si vous aviez besoin de plus de temps pour choisir.”

“en fait oui s’il vous plaît”

"Ce caca va être...”
“RAMASSÉ.”

“Non, merci, je ne bois pas d’alcool.”

“Ce phrase n’est pas seulement grammatiquement correcte, il a aussi du sens dans cette culture. Tu veux du jus?”

"Fang! Fangy! TU ME MAAAAANQUAIS! FAIS BISOUS!"
"bof"

“Excusez-moi, avez-vous des toilettes?”

“Bien sûr! Au bout du couloir à gauche, et là-bas à côté de la machine à Coke, et en bas, et en haut, et juste derrière vous, et en fait je suis assise sur une toilette maintenant! Vivent les toilettes!”

How to Clean Your Computer Screen

2013-03-10T13:52:00.000-04:00

yuck...i have to clean my computer screen.

now that i'm standing up, i have to pee.

i'm hungry. is there any muesli left?

darn, i forgot to put away my clothes that are dry.

but i have nowhere to fold them until i make my bed.

oh. this is due tomorrow.

Looking ze Gift Horse Right in ze Bouche

2013-03-04T16:23:00.000-05:00

(English below)

Je suis intelligente, oui, mais je ne suis pas toujours une bonne étudiante. En particulier, j’ai du mal à trouver la motivation pour tout ce qui est plus difficile qu’être avachie dans ma chaise, regarder des images amusants sur Internet, et manger du chocolat. Il me semble que quand je me débrouille toute seule, mon état naturel est celui de la paresse et la dégénérescence.

Donc le manque de nouveaux posts. J’essaie une stratégie différente maintenant, dont le but est tout simplement de me forcer à accomplir quelque chose. N’importe quoi. Cette stratégie est caractérisée par l’attribution au hasard des priorités différentes à mes tâches. Comme ça, les objets de haute priorité ne sont pas toujours les plus difficiles. Je peux donc me démarrer en éliminant des choses plus faciles et prendre de la vitesse de là.

Demain, mes examens partiels commencent. Il me faut étudier. C’est pourquoi j’ai une nouvelle bande-dessinée pour vous aujourd’hui. Je suis contente parce que j’ai accompli quelque chose.

Comme toujours, écrivez-moi un petit mot ronchon si j'ai fait des fautes en français.

I'm smart, yes, but I am not always a good student. In particular, I have trouble finding motivation for everything that is more difficult than slouching in my chair, looking at funny pictures on the Internet, and eating chocolate. It seems that, when left to my own devices, my natural state is one of sloth and degeneration.

Hence the lack of new posts. I'm trying a different strategy now. The goal is simply to force me to accomplish something. Anything. This strategy is characterized by the random attribution of different priorities to my tasks. That way, the high-priority items aren't always the hardest ones. I can thus start off by eliminating some of the easier things and gain momentum from there.

Tomorrow, my midterms start. I have to study. That's why I have a new comic for you today. I am happy because I have accomplished something.

As always, write me a grouchy comment if I've made a mistake in French.

"Shoot, I forgot my wallet."
"Don't worry, I can buy them for you. Your birthday's in 2 weeks, right?"

"That's true. Thanks!"
"Don't mention it."

"Actually, this is a lousy gift...crackers and tissues? You cheapskate."

Striving for Bilinguability

2013-01-27T13:22:00.003-05:00

Pendant mon séjour en France, je vais écrire Nibble & Spew en français ainsi qu’en anglais. Français en premier, et traduction en anglais après. Je vais aussi faire beaucoup de fautes. Veuillez me corriger en ajoutant vos remarques au bas de la page.

Voici des dessins de mon cahier! Jusqu’à maintenant, les cours ne sont pas trop difficiles donc je passe le temps en prenant mes notes en bandes-dessinées. Je crois que ça m’aide a m’en souvenir mieux.

While I am in France, I’m going to post on Nibble and Spew in French as well as English. French first, and the English translation after. I am also going to make plenty of mistakes. Feel free to correct me by adding a comment at the bottom of the page.

Here are some comics from my notebook! So far, classes haven’t been too difficult, so I amuse myself by taking notes in comic form. I think it helps me remember them better.

"Hello, my name is Merp."
"NO! We have to do the cheek kiss!"

"Pleased to meet you."

Je ne savais pas si je devrais faire la bise avec un homme que je ne connaissait pas. En bref, oui.

I didn’t know if I should do the cheek-kiss with a man I didn’t know. Apparently, yes.

My lunch with friends

Oh my god, there are palm trees!

Un signe que l’hiver ne durera pas toujours. J’étais stupide et je n’attendais pas qu’il fasse froid au sud de la France. Vraiment, un jour il neigeait. J’étais triste.

A sign that winter won’t last forever. I was stupid and didn’t expect that it would be cold in the south of France. One day it actually snowed. I was sad.

And a machine that sells coffee!

C’est très bon marché à 50 centimes. La tasse est petite, mais elle me suffit bien.

It’s very cheap at 50 euro-cents per cup. The cup is small, but definitely enough for me.

"Let's be friends!"
"No."

Top row: "Pardon?" "Hey, taxi!" "I'm tired."
Bottom row: "I'm sick of it/I've had enough!" "Hello?" "Pleased to meet you." "So-so."

Nous avons appris des phrases communs et les gestes qui les accompagnent. Selon mon partenaire de langue, personne ne dit plus “hep, taxi!” mais c’est bon quand même d’apprendre des choses.

We learned some common phrases and the gestures that accompany them. According to my language partner, no one says “hep, taxi!”anymore, but it’s good to learn stuff anyway.

The City that Didn't Mug Us

2013-01-11T14:03:00.000-05:00

For New Year's Eve, Sibling and I traveled to New York City to visit our respective friends. Even though we are both old enough to order the New and Improved Dink Bros. 3-Way Toaster/Cell Phone Holder/Dog Walkers from late-night television (six easy payments of $19.99!), our mother could not get over her fear that something terrible would happen to us in the city. She was even afraid that, I don't know, Sibling would spontaneously leap out of the bus to NYC while we were still on the highway.

Our father had a stronger belief in our ability to take care of ourselves.

Although Sibling put the bag with his lunch in the cargo section under the bus

(rendering it inaccessible),

and although we both missed the ball dropping

(because he was dealing with a nosebleed and I was on the subway),

and although he forgot to charge his phone on the day we were supposed to come home

(making it difficult for me to yell at him to get to the bus stop on time),

nothing terrible happened. It was a small miracle.

The Least Fun Kind of All-Nighter

2013-01-02T20:36:00.001-05:00

As previously mentioned, I had to get an EEG several weeks ago to check that my brainbox was functioning properly. (Surprisingly, it is.) EEG stands for electroencephalogram, which comes from the Latin words electra, "electrodes", cephalum, "stuck to your head", and gramus, "with a paste that makes your hair stiff and gross". It eavesdrops on your brainwaves to make sure that there aren't any irregularities. And you have to stay up all night beforehand if you are over the age of seven, because you need to be sleep-deprived while the test is done. Being sleep-deprived makes the irregularities more prominent.

While reading the info sheet on how to prepare for the EEG, I couldn't help but think, "I'm so glad that I'm not the mother of an eight-year-old child who needs an EEG." So there's always a silver lining. At least I'm old enough to stay up all night on my own. I drew a lot of cartoons to keep myself awake--roughly one every hour.

Mercifully, I had my appointment soon thereafter. And as soon as I got back to my dorm, I leaped into the seductive embrace of Morpheus.

Awooo! The Hunt is On.

2012-12-23T01:04:00.001-05:00

The past three weeks have seen an unprecedented level of pandemonium, procrastination, and hospital visits. Let it suffice for me to say that I appear to be in good working order and that no one should be alarmed. I even made a good series of drawings when I had to stay up all night before the EEG--every neurological exam has a silver lining, right? Those will go up soon.

The big project now is finding meself a job for the ol' summer. I tackled my college's career office website for the first time tonight. That was a mistake.

I fumbled through the labyrinthine website and found a job search engine. After lightly restricting the search results to "during the summer" and "in the United States," I scrolled through 132 consulting jobs with increasing rage. I think the problem is that I'm not interested in grown-up things like "implementing media campaigns" or "providing financial advisory services". My interests are a bit more elemental, like "eating" and "not dropping crumbs on myself while eating".

I tried to prod the search engine into giving me something that wasn't consulting by putting in keywords related to my interests. The formerly infinite job list erased itself. "Share and Enjoy!" smiled the career counselors from their homepage. After another twenty minutes of fiddling with the Advanced Search Options, I ended up with a handful of things that didn't sound awful--but none of them were paid. I let out a velociraptor screech and dragon-kicked my computer across the room.

What am I looking for? Well, my IDEAL job would probably be Humor Filter, if housing was included.

To help myself out, I decided to brainstorm a list of my skills:
--I can read really fast
--I can walk on my hands
--I can run long distances without getting bored
--I can speak French proficiently (and I hope to be fluent by this summer)
--I can curl my tongue and make a lot of startling faces
--I can draw cartoons in response to realtime stimuli (and I've got more coming soon)
--I can make people laugh
--I can write and edit very well under pressure (according to my parents, it isn't really good that I've discovered this about myself)
--I can beat almost anyone in Bananagrams
--I can organize and take responsibility like nobody's business
--I can wake up early, no problem
--I can hang out in the woods at night without getting scared
--I can cook really good fried eggs
--I can bellydance a little bit

Huh, that's not so bad. What I'm NOT good at is managing my time and finishing things by their due dates. Sixteen and a half years of schooling have gradually numbed my reaction to deadlines to the point where I have basically become immune to them.

"I lose 1 out of 10 points if this is late? Ehh, that's not so bad," mumbles my complacent brain. And another night of frivolous time-wasting slides by. I think the part of me that used to be afraid of academic consequences up and died sometime during my freshman year. That would explain the smell, anyway.

Unfortunately, potential employers think the ability to complete tasks is really important for some reason. So I'll have to try attacking the job hunt from a different angle. I'll do that later.

I'm Thinking of a Number

2012-12-03T20:02:00.000-05:00

Sometimes writing essays is like a game. The professor says, “I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a billion. Guess.” But the number is an essay and if you don’t write the one the professor’s thinking of, you fail.

"Now I'm thinking of a letter between E and G..."