Maybe it was the idea that someone was looking out for me. There was a person/energy/spirit that was with me to give me guidance and to keep me safe. Every night I would pray, and if I ever forgot I wouldn’t fall asleep as easily. I could make amends anything I had done wrong, ask for protection and care for friends and family, and it felt good.

Death has always scared me and it does even today. The fact that when I died I would go to heaven and live an everlasting life was a great comfort to me. It took a bit of the worry away from the concept of being dead.

From around the age of 16, I drifted away from the church. It was because I started working Sundays and I couldn’t make it to church every week. I was still a Christian, but I just didn’t go to church. I did some Work for the Dole when I was 22 at a Christian organisation, and I realised that I still had an interest in Christianity. I ended up not going to their church because I got a job in Brisbane instead but I knew that it was still inside me. It had just been dormant.

After a while I guess I didn’t really care as much any more. I was probably agnostic more than anything. There were still this core belief system about a god, a heaven and spirituality, but it didn’t really come into my life very much. I then met Natalie.

Natalie challenged the very core of my belief system with the concept that there is no god. That there is nothing out there and this is it. I went through so much torment and agony and working through the concepts and the information almost broke me mentally. Even if I didn’t care much about God and Christianity, it was still a core part of my system of living. It was still a crux that I could rely on.

I eventually accepted that the concept that there is a god is illogical and that the only thing that made sense was Atheism. I consider myself “unborn again”, but I certainly respect the rights of those who want to believe their own set of religious beliefs. It isn’t my place to convert people; I only really discuss it if someone asks.

Today I’ve come to realise that I miss it. I miss the idea of there being a god out there to protect me and care for me. I miss the idea that at the end of this life there will be something more waiting for me. I miss the concept that there is someone or something who cares for us and looks after us. I miss having a god to look upon and believe in and a religious structure that provided friendship and support.

I’ve never really filled that hole in my life with anything else. I have to face the fact that when I die, I’m dead and there ain’t much more to life than that. I don’t have the comforting concept that there is something else helping me and guiding me. I have to face the big, dark world on my own and sometimes it just sucks.

So what is the point of this ramble? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s that I wish religion could be true, but I know it isn’t. The make believe that is the Christian religion would be wonderful if it was true. But it isn’t. None of that is. And yet I feel a need for something. Some sort of spirituality or something. It’s hard to explain.

I’m not looking to be converted. What I’m interested to know, I guess, is how do atheists fill that “god-shaped hole” as (I think) Richard Dawkins put it quite nicely?

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I am a cis-gendered hetro man. I have been known to see a lady in passing and notice that they have fantastic eyes, or great hair, or a nice body. I’ve been known to think to myself “mmm, nice x”. X could be hair, eyes, butt, smile, boobs, or something else.

I like to think of myself as a “progressive man of the world”, whatever that means. I would like to think that I’m a feminist, at least in training. And yet I’m still out there noticing women and going “mmm, nice x”.

When I catch myself, I feel a little guilty on the inside. On the other side of the coin, I figure that it is natural to notice people around you and to find some features of a person attractive. I think it would be totally awful to wolf whistle or cat call or whatever anyone, or to stare at someone and make them uncomfortable. Basically I wouldn’t want to be a creep.

So that leaves me with the thought that perhaps even seeing someone and thinking that they look nice could be considered creepy. Where’s the line? The obvious line to me is at least taking any action that makes someone uncomfortable. But is there a line that is even earlier than that – is thinking that someone is attractive, or a feature of their body is nice, crossing the line?

Just the stuff that goes through my head from time to time, that’s all.

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I swear a little bit, so be warned.

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Fashion is not my thing. I’m no where near being a fashionista. However something caught my eye in the paper today.

There is an article today on the Courier-Mail Online about how Alex Perry is being a douche bag again. Since most of us know this already, I’m going to skip over it and talk about the last part of the article.

Certainly, the criticism of Moone’s body size stands in contrast to the decision by Melbourne Spring Fashion Week organisers to only use models with a healthy BMI on this year’s runways.

Models will be vetted by casting agents to ensure they are not too thin before they are signed up.

You might be surprised to find that I have an issue with this.

As a fat activist, I have been on record time and time again talking about how the BMI is not a good guide of health. The BMI does nothing to tell you the health (or ill health) of a person. It tells you the ratio of weight to height squared, and that’s about it. It is as if humans were designed to have the same height to weight ratio, but I don’t see how this can be so. I therefore have a issue with BMI being used to decide whether a model is ‘healthy’ enough to be on the catwalk.

I’m not a model so I don’t know what it is like to be in the fashion industry. From what I read, there is a lot of pressure to be a certain size and shape to make it. I have all kinds of issues with that. I read about models who are starving themselves to fit the mould of what the industry thinks is acceptable and it is really disgusting that people think they need to go as far as having eating disorders to maintain this ‘ideal size’. Yet excluding models because they don’t fit the BMI classification of ‘healthy’ is a bit rich as well.

I read a few months ago the story of Cody Young, a Queenslander who is making it big in international modelling. One of her shoots recently was for TOPSHOP and a British tabloid published claims that she was “danger to anorexics”. Cody came out swinging and talked about what it was like growing up being a young, tall and slim woman.

Throughout my entire childhood I was called anorexic and people would ask if I was bulimic. And it was really hard sometimes for me to deal with as I have always been this way .

The article doesn’t talk about her BMI but it would be interesting to see if she is considered ‘healthy’ by the BMI scale. Would she end up excluded even if in her own words “naturally skinny”?

I don’t want people to judge me based on my BMI. I don’t think anyone should be judged based on their BMI. This focus on a number meaning anything is just crazy crap. What we should do is somehow take the pressure of models to be this mythical perfect size. Perhaps then their beauty would shine through without them feeling they need to starve themselves or worse.

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AUSTRALIA WILL BE HOLDING A CENSUS IN AUGUST
DO NOT LEAVE THE “RELIGION” SECTION BLANK. BE SURE TO AT LEAST TICK CHRISTIAN (OR YOUR OWN FAITH).
1,000,000 MUSLIMS WILL TICK THEIR BOX.
10,000,000 AUSTRALIANS WILL LEAVE IT BLANK THEN WONDER WHY CHRISTMAS CAROLS ARE BEING BANNED IN SCHOOLS!
PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS.
IT’S NOT ABOUT RELIGION, IT’S ABOUT KEEPING OUR WAY OF LIFE .

I wonder what would happen if the following was sent out:

AUSTRALIA WILL BE HOLDING A CENSUS IN AUGUST
DO NOT LEAVE THE “RELIGION” SECTION BLANK. BE SURE TO AT LEAST TICK MUSLIM (OR YOUR OWN FAITH).
1,000,000 CHRISTIANS WILL TICK THEIR BOX.
10,000,000 AUSTRALIANS WILL LEAVE IT BLANK THEN WONDER WHY RAMADAN IS BEING BANNED IN SCHOOLS!
PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS.
IT’S NOT ABOUT RELIGION, IT’S ABOUT KEEPING OUR WAY OF LIFE .

I can imagine the uproar.

What I would prefer to see is this:

AUSTRALIA WILL BE HOLDING A CENSUS IN AUGUST
IT WOULD BE GOOD IF YOU COULD FILL IN THE RELIGION SECTION AS THIS WILL GIVE THE GOVERNMENT A TRUE PICTURE OF RELIGION WITHIN AUSTRALIA. TICK NO RELIGION IF YOU ARE NOT RELIGIOUS
BUT SINCE WE LIVE IN A FREE COUNTRY, IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO FILL THAT SECTION IN THEN THAT’S OK TOO.

I’m glad to see that there is still room for the use of religion to scare people into doing what you want. Which is what this is all about. *sigh*

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It’s not like when something happens to you and you can feel the effect it is having on you. It’s not like I’ve consciously been worried or concerned about moving. I guess it’s more of a slow burning thing that sits in the pit of your stomach and you have to process it to realise what it going on. For me, the process I use to work out these things is writing.

I normally write in private and keep the thought process to myself but I thought that if I am going to have a blog that is about me and is true to my identity, I should try and attempt to post the outcome for the world to see. I suppose it might help others who feel the way I do to know that this is how I deal with things and it is an option they can try. Of course I still have the option to decide not to post anything if I decide not to. I can’t really lose.

So here I am, sitting in front of the laptop. I close my eyes and I try to let the feelings that I have wash over me and I try to decipher what they mean to me and what the source is.

I think that some of this feeling is about moving. I’ve lived here in Coorparoo for such a long time now and Brisbane even longer. I love the city and the places that I’ve lived and I feel like this place is home. I know all the local haunts, and have made wonderful friendships. My doctor is just down the road and she is such a wonderful person, let alone medical professional.

There is so much of me invested in this place and in the things that make up this space. It’s not the items themselves but the emotions attached to them. I’m currently sitting in the room where I proposed to Natalie, and where she said that she would be my one and only. I’m in the room where we shared our first night together as a couple living together. This house is where our relationship got really serious, not that it wasn’t serious before.

Living with someone is a whole new ball game. You learn so much about a person when you are around them each day and each night. You learn new things off each other and come to form some new world views. My foray into fat activism began in this house. My life has changed in so many ways in this house and there are so many memories wrapped up in it.

Some of it might be to do with the fact that I’m returning home. We are moving back in with my mother. Sometimes I wonder if this means I’ve failed to be as independent as I’ve strived to be. Will the new living arrangements work out? How will it affect my relationship with my mother and with my wife? There are so many questions and I have to wait for them to be answered.

I really started my march towards independence in this city. I came into my own and I suppose I became a man. All of my recent life history involves being in Brisbane and soon I’m off to another city. It’s a city I know well, but it’s been over ten years since I last lived there, and by George it has changed.

Life is bringing me to a new chapter and it is a little bit scary. I don’t exactly know how the next six to twelve months are going to go, but I suppose that is the same no matter where I am living. Life can throw me a curve ball whether I am here, or there or anywhere for that matter.

I guess when it comes down to it. The reasons for moving are sound. It will help us save some money so that we can start to plan the next phase of our future. Mum is sick at the moment so it will be nice to be there with her and help out if she needs it. I think it will be nice to get a different perspective on some of the things that I have been struggling with by moving to a new place and looking at them through slightly different glasses.

And so that ends my process. It’s a bit of a ramble but it’s what I do when I feel a bit unsure of what I’m feeling. I’ve never been particularly good at working out my emotions and I have to sometimes force the process so that I can understand what is going on. At least these days I identify that there is something there and know what I need to do to work through it.

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I always had a dream of working from home. I never thought that it would be realised, or at least thought that I would have to work for myself to make it happened. So when the chance to switch from public sector finance to working in IT (my dream) and do it from home, I didn’t hesitate. Well, I did have to think long and hard because I was making such a big change, but the pros far outweighed any cons.

So quite some time on, I have had some great times and some challenging times with this new setup. I thought I might talk about them since I know there are others who may be considering the change of working from home. It is something to really think carefully about, as it isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

Firstly, there isn’t the same sort of structure that going to work day in, day out forced me to have. There is no commute to the office to put a definite break between work and home. I have to somehow switch my brain onto work mode in order to focus on the tasks for the day. It is very easy to be sitting at the computer and think “I know, I’ll go put a load of washing on.”

Now in my view there is nothing inherently wrong with that. As long as I manage my time well and you don’t try and bill for my load of washing, it can be a great benefit. It can become a problem though if I then think “oh, I could do a little bit of washing up” or I see some rubbish on the floor and tidy the lounge room up. Soon that five minute break is up to two hours and you’ve got yourself a long night of work ahead to catch up.

Another thing I struggle with is that it can be easy to be distracted by non-work things. If the computer you use for work is also the computer you use for other things, this means you can wander off and be doing something and feeling productive, only to find you you’ve just wasted 45 minutes on a Facebook debate or something else without even realising it. Worst still is that you can be constantly available to your colleagues if you leave your instant messaging client open or outlook open. And it can be temping to finish off a little bit of work if you have left it open by accident. Now have two logins on my computer – one for my work stuff and the other for my personal stuff. There are plans for me to get a work computer in the future and I can use a KVM switch to change between the two. That will be even better.

The two login thing works on two levels. Firstly, the moment I login to my work account, I’m at work. It is a little reminder to myself that now is the time for working. At the end of the day it is awesome to logout of that account and back into my normal account and feel like I’ve left all my work behind. Secondly, having two accounts means that I have two different sets of skype and IM contacts, and so people know if I’m at work or not and how available I am. It really helps with that.

Something I’ve had to force myself to do sometimes is to remember to have breaks. I’ve also had to force myself sometimes to return from that break. But on the other hand, it can be good when work is getting the better of you to just walk out for an hour and watch some TV or go to the shops and grab a coffee, knowing that you can come back later and work on it. You aren’t restricted to the work hours that an office locks you into. If you are awake at 12am and want to get some work done, it’s great. It means I can have some time off at some other point and still be on my way to my targets for the week. If I have an appointment during the day,  I can go do that and still get work done later, or get up earlier and get it done.

I still struggle with structuring my work day though I think I have improved. What I would love to know is how you go about being productive, even if you aren’t working from home? What things do you do to know that you are still on track with your work? How do you lock out distractions? Are you lucky enough to work from home and want to share your story? Please, get in touch because I’d love to hear from you.

Ultimately I love working from home. It is allowing me to move from Brisbane to the Gold Coast and not have to worry about a daily commute. It allows me flexibility and autonomy. It has challenges and responsibilities that go with it, but I think they are well worth it at the end of the day. Could you do it? Have you, or do you, work from home? Let me know below.

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I learned very early with computers the GIGO principle – Garbage In, Garbage Out. It doesn’t matter how good a computer is, or how good the software is. If what you put into it is tainted, or skewed, or wrong, what comes out of it will be tainted, skewed or wrong. This principle applies to scientific research, news and other information just as much as computers.

I think it is important to analyse information that is presented to me. I think the Australian media should do a better job of getting facts right and making sure that what is reported isn’t biased or at least mentioning any conflicts of interest that people interviewed may have.

I’ve been in the media a couple of times to talk about being fat and the discrimination against fat people. It might be fair to suggest that I am biased, and perhaps even some people who see me on these programs would think that. The thought could run across someone’s mind that I am against fat discrimination and believe in fat acceptance, health at every size and other principles only because I am fat. “Perhaps he should just stop complaining and put down the fork” might be a response from some people in the community.

When a doctor or academic talks about these sorts of things, it might be fair to think that there would not be any bias. They are there to take information and make informed decisions that are based on the facts in front of them. Why would there be any need for them to promote fat acceptance or weight loss? If an academic says that a fat person can be healthy, or that childhood obesity is on the rise, there doesn’t seem to be a need to question it.

Yet I think that everything should be questioned.

For example it was reported back in 2008 that childhood obesity rates are not rapidly increasing as per the media scare campaigns. Yet we are still bombarded in the media with the message that kids are getting fatter and fatter.

Which was the main point put across in a story on Today Tonight called Obese Kids. Such an original title. But I’m getting petty.

The obesity expert presented this evening was Dr George Hopkins. He talked about how obesity was on the rise in children and the types of medical issues that obese children could look forward to later in life, like Type II Diabetes, Heart Disease, and even increased risk of Cancer! Yup, the big C. I’ve never seen that one used before but there is probably some research out there that supports this view.

He also went on to talk about how he was having great success rates with bariatric surgery on kids up to 13 or 14 years old. 13 or 14 years old. I couldn’t help but scream at the television. I’m not a doctor, but I am a human. I can’t imagine how someone that young could be in the right state of mind to make a decision about bariatric surgery which has so many repercussions in later life.

So who is this Dr Hopkins, obesity expert? Well Dr Hopkins is a bariatric surgeon (surprise!) who runs the Brisbane Gastric Banding Centre. He has a link to the LAP-BAND® website as the second and third links on his links page. His first link is to the Obesity Surgery Society of Australia and New Zealand (OSSANZ), of which he is a member..

I suppose that it would make sense to link to your professional body on your website when you are a member. If you wish to know who sponsors OSSANZ, you need to email them. I didn’t bother, but in a submission to the 2008 Australian House of Representatives’ Inquiry into Obesity in Australia, Coviden made a submission which included the following paragraph:

In Australia, Covidien has been closely involved in supporting the work of bariatric surgeons treating obesity and its co-morbidities since 1996. Our early commitment to this important field of surgery began by working with a small group of surgeons to help grow the Obesity Surgery Society of Australia and New Zealand (OSSANZ) to the point where it now has membership of approximately 150 bariatric surgeons. Throughout the last 12 years, Covidien has also been responsible for supporting the training of many General and Gastro Intestinal surgeons in the latest techniques used in the rapidly advancing field of metabolic surgery.

Who are Coviden? Well Coviden and Allergan joined forces in 2007 to co-promote Allergan’s LAP-BAND® Adjustable Gastric Banding System. So presumably they would be quite for lap banding procedures. And I’m sure that Coviden would not provide OSSANZ with any support for research into lap banding. (Well I’m not sure either way).

Oh, I forgot to also mention that you can find Dr Hopkins through the website “Gastric Banding Procedure” which just happens to be run by Allergan. Take a look at the site. Unless you knew that Allergan wast the company that made the LAP-BAND®, you would think it was a general information site. Surely there is no agenda there.

This story is a beat up and just a promotion by people who stand to make a large amount of money by having kids sent to them to have bariatric surgery. This makes me mad.

A little sidenote is that the Today Tonight website links to Baker IDI. You would hope that they are a completely unbiased organisation. Well let’s look into that.

The International Diabetes Federation (IDF) Taskforce on Epidemiology and Prevention of Diabetes released a paper called Bariatric surgery: an IDF statement for obese Type 2 diabetes.

Professor Paul Zimmet was one of the authors on this paper. The paper notes: “PZ has received a consulting fee from Covidien Australia.” He is also Director Emeritus and Director of International Research, Baker IDI Heart and Diabetes Institute and Professor (Hon) Monash University.

Associate Professor John Dixon was another author on this paper. He is Associate Professor, Department of General Practice, School of Primary Health Care, Monash University and Senior clinical scientist, Human Neurotransmitters Laboratory, Vascular & Hypertension Unit, Baker IDI Heart & Diabetes Institute. In the paper it notes that “JD is a consultant for: Allergan Inc, manufacturer of the LapBand System®; Metagenics, manufacturer of Bariatric Advantage® nutritional supplements; and Scientific Intake, manufacturer of the SMART® device. […] His institutions, Monash University and Baker IDI Heart & Diabetes Institute, have received support for his research from Allergan Inc, […].”

No, surely they aren’t getting money from the companies who sell the very same products that their research promotes and recommends? This should be an outrage! But it isn’t. The media don’t ever look at it. They don’t care.

So I say that it is important to make my voice heard. Even one small voice can make a difference. Hugh props to Dr Samantha Thomas and Frances Lockie for standing up for the rights of fat people and telling it how it is, without corporate backing.

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I watched an episode of Law and Order: SVU last night that dealt with some really tough issues. Actually I was working and went out to the lounge for a smoke break and ended up watching the last 15 minutes because I couldn’t look away.

The story was of a young lady who was raped by a knife wielding bandit. The story went that a lady had come across the scene and fought off the attacker and then slipped away into the world to hide. She was an illegal immigrant who had come to the US from the Democratic Republic of Congo.

As the story went on, she went on to talk about how rape is used as a weapon of war. The character was raped by soldiers and watched her five year old daughter be raped as well. She watched her daughter take six days to die from her injuries and was cast out by her husband because of the shame she now brought onto him.

She then went to a refugee camp, and was eventually beaten, raped repeatedly and forced into marriage by one of the sides in the conflict. She finally escaped to America as an illegal immigrant.

During the rest of the show she testified to the grand jury, and in one scene talked about what happened to her and how she could identify the act of rape so readily. She was then locked up by immigration, released thanks to the help of the Assistant District Attorney and then testified to see the attacker locked up. She was so overjoyed that she was responsible for seeing a rapist locked up.

At the end of the show she was offered residency but decided to go back to the Congo and take the fight up against the rape and attacks on women. The Assistant District Attorney ended up taking leave to work at the UN to look into victims of gender-based war crimes.

I realise that it is just a TV show, yet I know that there is some basis for the story. The character’s story might not be that of one person, but the stories of many people melded together. The fact that rape is used as a weapon of war is not disputed and I’m sure there are stories far worse than that presented in this fictional TV show that do not get heard about.

What shocked me is that when the leading female characters were talking through the awful things that had happened to this woman, it was mentioned that rape and gender-based war crimes were not an acceptable reason to apply for asylum. This seems disgraceful. A quick Google search seems to tell me that this situation is still not clear and that it can often be a case by case thing.

I’m really thankful that this was presented in such a format. I mean, I was aware that rape is an issue when civil war and unrest occurs. But to have this graphic account of the horror that this character had gone through placed in front of me just made me angry and upset. I was angry because I knew that this story, although fiction was believable and that many women are out there who are being tortured and wounded through gender-based war crimes. It made me upset that it was a fictional program that brought it into the lounge rooms of millions of people.

I would have expected to have heard more about this sort of thing in the news, or in documentaries. Perhaps I don’t watch the right things. It just seems abhorrent that there are people out there being denied help and asylum because the system doesn’t recognise these crimes as being worthy of it.

I don’t have the answers. I don’t have the ability to go there and stop these things. I can talk about them. I can be one voice in the crowd. The crowd which can grow stronger and louder only if we talk about these things.

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I’ve been working on a major project for quite a while now and we are at the point of running through testing scripts to see if there are any major issues with it. I’ve come to love and hate testing since I entered the full time world of software development. On the one hand, there is great satisfaction in running through all the tests to find that there are no errors and that something I created does exactly what it is meant to do. On the other hand, there are the times where I just feel like there is no end to the issues I am finding.

In a perfect world, every piece of software would run without fail from the moment it was written. There would never be any bugs or errors and the client would be happy with what I’ve produced. This perfect world doesn’t exist and quite often I will find things that I just wasn’t looking for when I was writing the code. Often it isn’t that the software doesn’t work right when I give it all the correct information but that the software takes incorrect information and doesn’t handle it gracefully, or even worse outputs some results which seem right but don’t make any sense.

I’ve come to appreciate just how much effort is required to test and review something and how hard it is to test something that I’ve made myself. I know what it should be doing and I know how things should be done. Often it is when people do things that I don’t expect that the big issues come up.

It’s a bit like life really. Sometimes it’s not until someone else comes along and points something out to me that I realise the error in my ways. It works perfectly for me from my point of view, but with the benefit of an outsider I can see things that need to be tweaked or thought through differently.

I know that in the last five years or so my viewpoint on the world and even myself has changed a great deal. This is because Natalie has been challenging me to open up my view of the world and to take a look at things a little differently. It’s like she is testing my internal software and saying “Hey, have you considered this?”

I know at first I struggled with it a lot. Sometimes I felt like she was breaking my brain. There were times that I just had to go off and process through the information she had given me and take time to absorb it.

It’s a bit like a programmer who has worked on a project for so long to be told of errors and they haven’t seen, and they just don’t want to see them. They get a bit cranky and upset and perhaps throw a tantrum. But if they are a decent programmer they eventually have to come back and analyse the information.

Sometimes the programmer will decide that there is no reason to change the software and that the result is as expected, or that the cost to change the program might be too much of a challenge. Sometimes though the programmer knows that they just have to suck it up and get in there and make the fixes that are needed. And it is the same with my internal software.

Sometimes it is just too hard to make the changes and I just let it go. It might be for a short time until it comes up again and I see it in a different light, or I have more time to deal with it. It might be something that gets mulled over for six months or more until I come up with a solution that fits the problem and fits me. But often I just realise that change is a must and get on with it.

It is amazing the things I have learnt about myself from what I do for a living. I’ve come to love my developer job, even though there have been challenges making the transition. And the things I learn about myself are just the icing on the cake.

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