When we first met, he was already following me on Twitter and sent me a message that he ran into me on the Muni one day. After hanging out for a while, he got to know the ‘real me’ and see beyond what is just online. I started to realize that he expected me to break down or jump of a bridge at a moments notice, and didn’t like that he had already had those thoughts in the back of his head about who I was based solely what he read online.

So, I’ve been posting less, trying to post more positive things, and cut out the negativity. It is difficult to find someone to spend time with and get to know on a deeper level (anywhere you go, but it seems to be especially true in the gay community and in San Francisco). I don’t want to start off things 10 steps behind because of something they read online or heard about me from a friend.

So I am trying to ‘re-image’ myself, and get rid of the negativity from my life. I am not going to tolerate seeing negative posts and comments on my Facebook account, and will be removing people who want to push their negativity upon me.

I am also closer than ever to getting my Nick Tuck surgeries, and estimate that I will be able to afford them this upcoming January, well within my goal of getting it done before I turn 30. I am very excited about this and look forward to completing the transformation I started over 2 years ago when I first moved to San Francisco to discover myself and become the best version of myself (mentally, physically, emotionally, etc) that I can be.

I am sick of people trying to blame me exclusively for not being able to get a second date with a guy…so let me run down my history of dating thus far with guys. This is a list of guy’s I’ve legitimately gone out with and we both knew it was a real date.

Michael P- I talked to Michael online, bumped into him at a bar one night, etc. I was never really that attracted to him in the end, plus sexually we weren’t a match, well at least I thought so. We hung out for a while because our friends were mostly the same and we ended up in the same places together. We went out on our own but ultimately I wasn’t into him and we weren’t dating/exclusive/etc and I hooked up with someone else and that is how that ended.

Jovan - A hookup which lead to a dinner, and no where else. I didn’t even want to go on the dinner with him.

Junior - He passed out in the bathroom of the cocktail mixer we were attending because he was on a number of drugs at the time. I tried contacting him numerous times after this, and eventually heard from him months and months later. Something about a rough time in his life, embarrassed because of what happened, etc.

Ben - Ben and I went and had a great time together at this tech event at 21st Amendment. We heard about this other party thru a friend, and with this friend headed to the other party. The next morning the host of the party and my iPhone were missing. Ben was blamed, I was blamed, it turned into this huge controversy online, police were called to question Ben if he took the phones, and after that he wanted no part of hanging out with ‘my friends’ or people like that at the party who would blame him simply b/c they didn’t know him. To this day no one knows who took the phones, as they were ‘anonymously returned.’

Michael D- Michael was the closest to a …well…I don’t even know. When we first met we hooked up, we would see each other nearly every day, but it was more as friends. We didn’t kiss, we didn’t hold hands, we never had sex again. In the end we hated each other and no longer talk.

Alfredo - He was such a great guy. We hung out and while we did end up having sex on the first date, we still talked and things seemed to be going well. He invited me out to brunch a few days later, which one might think would be a date, but it was to tell me that he was accepted to college in Santa Barbara, and would be leaving in the next few weeks, and didn’t want to get emotionally involved in a situation where he knew he would be leaving.

Dawson - We hung out and had a great evening. Later on that night, after we had parted ways, I find out that he had a great evening the night previously with my neighbor. I’m not sure if he found out that I knew he was going out on dates with multiple people or not, and I did hear that he changed rehab programs and was staying in a different rehab facility, but never heard from him after that.

So it isn’t like I’m saying something stupid to scare these people away…it just hasn’t ended up working out. Things seem to come up which screw up what could be a good thing, but alas maybe that is fate, and maybe I am destined to just be single forever, but don’t say that is MUST be my fault, and that I always sleep with the guy on the first date.

As of this week, I will be approaching around $2,000 saved. It would be more if there weren’t a few major financial snafu’s along the way this past month, but hopefully that won’t happen again.

I really only have slept in five total spots around the city outside so far. The first was where I slept the first night, outside my old apartment on the cold sidewalk, and don’t plan on doing anymore sidewalk sleeping if I can help it. The other locations I am keeping to myself as I don’t want them compromised and it is a pain to scout out new ones.

The biggest issue I’ve run into is bugs. I didn’t realize how many there are here in SF. Currently, I can easily spot over 35 bug bites on my face, and numerous other ones all over my body. When I sleep I usually keep my face outside the sleeping bag to keep cool, but also it isn’t really long enough. I’ve bought bug spray, but it hasn’t seemed to help much.

Besides my giant 23+lb backpack I really am not outwardly showing any of the signs associated with most homeless people, namely bad smelling, darkened and hardened skin, worn out clothes, etc. I shower daily after my 30 minutes of cardio at the gym and change my clothes on a daily basis after putting on a bit of cologne.

I am really hoping to save up the $8,000 necessary for major surgery, my abdominoplasty, by Chirstmas Day, and hopefully the projections show I will be able to. We will see.

I do have two great friends who are offering their couches, which fold into beds on pretty much one night a weekly basis right now which helps break up the stress, fear, bug bites, and everything else associated with sleeping outdoors. Thanks again to them.

I guess that is it for this update one month in…oh my birthday is September 11th, less than 2 weeks from now. I had a credit with SWA so I am flying up to Seattle to see some guys I know up there and get out of San Francisco for a weekend. I also am traveling back home to Florida to see my family and to spread my grandfather on my father’s side ashes as he just passed away.

Because I grew up heavy and my entire life until I decided to diet and exercise I was overweight, I have excess skin from a lifetime of being fat. I’ve had consultations with a few different plastic surgeons, who ALL agree that the proper procedure for me is an abdominoplasty, aka tummy tuck.

So don’t lump me in with these fat gross messes who choose not to the weight on their own…I FUCKING DID! I just want to complete the process, and finally feel good about how I look with my shirt off.

It is a bit time consuming for me to answer everyone’s questions each and every time they are asked, especially since most of the questions are repeated, so I will list them here, answer them, and update this post if need be.

Q) Why are you homeless? Is it some sort of social experiment?

A) No it isn’t some sort of social experiment. I have gone through this answer numerous times here, here, here, and here. The bottom line is that I lost 100lbs and I for  my body to adjust properly to the weight loss, it is recommended by multiple doctors that I get an abdominoplasty, aka tummy tuck, to get rid of the excess skin and residual fat. To get my torso in the most presentable fashion, it is also recommended that I get my flanks fixed as well as the removal of my Gynecomastia, aka male breasts, treated.

Q) Why not just save up and live some where?

A) I’ve NEVER been good with money, as evidenced in the course of my 20-some years here on earth. I have a horrible credit score, I have wage garnishment for my student loans, and basically live paycheck to paycheck. I can’t get financing for a $300 credit card, and was barely able to find a bank to offer me a checking account. I’ve been with my current job a little over a year now, and lived in one of the cheapest places I’ve ever seen in San Francisco at $775/month. I would scrape by paycheck to paycheck, often not having enough for food or anything else by the time the next paycheck came along.

I lived in my car for a little over a year before, and find rent to be one of the largest and unnecessary expenses in my life. I KNOW that 99.99% of you don’t see it this way, but I do, so fuck off. While living in my car, I didn’t have a set goal, like I do now for the surgery, but I was able to afford the things I wanted and live my life in a happy manor.

Q) Where will you shower?

A) I prepaid for a 2 year gym membership at 24 Hour Fitness through this offer at Costco for $299. That works out to just under $12.50 a month. I’ve NEVER seen a gym deal that good ever. This also gets me in the gym more often, aka every day in order to work out and subsequently shower.

Q) Are you crazy?

A) Read this. Short answer no, I just don’t think the same way, or have the same priorities as you may have.

Q) How soft is cement?

A) Not at all. After my 1st night on the streets, I need to get some sort of padding, or more cushy sleeping bag.

Q) What about a hostel, or cheaper place to live?

A) A hostel in San Francisco is around $25-$45 a night, and thus more than I was paying for rent before. I want to get to my goal of $8,000 as fast as possible. This is the quickest way I know. Check out this listing for apartments in San Francisco. Do you see ONE which is less than the $775 I was paying?

Q) Where does your mail go? Where do you keep your stuff?

A) I got a PO Box 1 block away from work, and I have a friend who has graciously offered his garage to me for a 2nd time since moving to San Francisco during this period to store my stuff.

Q) Are you gay?

A) Umm yes read this.

Q) How long will this last?

A) I am trying to save up the $8,000 needed for just the abdominoplasty part of the surgeries I want. This will take around 6 months by saving on my own. I would LOVE to get all of three procedures done at the same time, but the cost is around $15,000 for all three. The tummy tuck is the one considered most prominent by the doctors I’ve seen and thus it is the one I want the most.

Q) What can I do to help?

A) Well I am taking donations on this site, just click the Nick Tuck logo. Also if you have a place to crash for a night, few nights, etc. I’ll sleep in a garage, couch, backyard, etc I don’t care. Anything is better and safer than sleeping on the streets. Other than that referrals to Doctors who might perform the operation at a lower cost/pro bono, or just an encouraging word or email goes a long way.

Q) How much are you saving per month?

A) Well with my estimated expenses and based on my income, I am able to save around $1,500 a month, which is around 5 months and a few weeks to reach my goal. I am also trying to cut back as much a possible, and spend less than $20 a day on food and all other expenses. You can follow a Twitter account I made for that goal here (@20aDay). Also my main Twitter account is @NickStarr and I have one for my procedure @NickTuck.

I hope this answers a majority of the questions I have been getting in some fashion or another. Please feel free to leave more in the comments, on Twitter, Facebook, etc and I will add them to this list.

Updated:

Q) Why don’t you buy a junk car and park in a paid parking lot? (Mary from the comments)

A) Mary you most likely don’t live in San Francisco. Parking lots in the city range from $300+ per month in terms of parking. I HIGHLY doubt that they allow for people to live in cars in these lots either. Paying al this extra money for expenses which I don’t need such as a car, registration, insurance, and a garage will set me even further back on my goals.

Right now my life and the progression of it seems like it is stalled…its like this horrific vicious circle that I can’t get out of.

I can’t get a boyfriend, why?
Because I am fat and have loose skin whereas, why?
Because I lost a bunch of weight, but still don’t look like what I look like, why?
Because I can’t get a guy to go out with me or sleep with me more than once (and/or get a boyfriend), why?
… and so on and so on …

First let me remind you that I don’t subscribe to the whole “you can’t get someone to like you if you don’t like yourself first,” and I’ve detailed my thoughts on that here (so don’t even try to use that excuse).

Well I am breaking the circle. I am doing something about feeling better about myself, and how I look. That is why I am moving out of my apartment onto the streets of San Francisco in order to save up money for my surgery to get rid of the excess skin, fat and glands which are preventing me from looking like a normal citizen of the gay 20-something culture in San Francisco.

Do you agree? I doubt it, but look at it from my perspective. My 20’s are more going than coming these days. I’ve NEVER had a boyfriend, relationship with a guy, or so much as TWO dates with a guy who I liked or liked me. These are ALL things that every single person my age who I hang around with in SF have accomplished.

I see a fixable solution to my circle, and I am taking it. I am doing what needs to be done in order to accomplish my goals the fastest way I know. I’ve now had a few friends suggest that I sell my body for money in order to reach my goals faster. I don’t think they understand….I HATE MY BODY! My BODY has gotten me no where in terms of guys wanting to be with me after they see me nekkid once. Why on earth would someone pay to be with me, when I can’t even get someone to be with me more than once on my own?

Anyway, this is my decision. I am sticking to it for as long as I can. It is going to be a rough road ahead, but I look forward to looking back in a few months from now and realizing that the journey, no matter how rough, difficult, and unconventional it may be, will be worth it.

Nick Starr, 28, of San Francisco, weighed more than 250 pounds last year. Through diet and exercise, he shed more than 100 pounds, but he’s left with sagging skin and desperately wants plastic surgery to fix it. Always overweight, he’d wanted plastic surgery as long as he could remember but originally thought liposuction was the answer.

“I realized a tummy tuck was the better procedure for me now, since I have excess skin and fat which won’t go away, no matter how much I’ve worked out in the past year,” he said, adding that his consulting surgeon also suggested love-handle lipo and a breast reduction.

Starr admitted he’s never been good at managing money, so he’s taking an extreme measure to raise $8,000 for his abdominoplasty: becoming homeless.

“I had to change something. I was homeless, living in my car once before,” he explained, adding that now he doesn’t have wheels. “I figure I can do it without the car with a few months while I save up money for the tuck.”

Starr dubbed his journey Nick/Tuck and is chronicling his progress and accepting donations on his blog at www.nickstarr.com.

Like so many others, Starr feels plastic surgery is the solution to finally being happy inside out. Yaremchuk believes strongly that plastic surgery can be life-changing by improving appearance and boosting self-esteem, but he cautions patients that it’s not always the answer to “solve all life’s problems.”

Read

The result of growing up in size “hefty” and being overweight my entire life has left me with certain problem areas which won’t go away even with as much diet and exercise as I’ve been doing since deciding to lose weight. I’ve had personal trainers and my stomach, chest, and flanks just don’t seem to go down to a level where I would feel comfortable taking my shirt off in public, let alone in private.

I’ve decided to take some extreme measures in order to save up the money as quickly as possible, but living on the street is not a fun experience. The total cost of the Abdominoplasty alone is $8,000, but the surgeon recommended a $4,500 Gynecomastia, and $3,700 liposuction on my flanks, for a discounted total of $15,200. I’ve got thousands of friends on Facebook, Twitter, the blog here, may other social networks, and most importantly in real life. If you can offer any sort of assistance in my quest to become the best me I can, it is appreciated. A place to crash, a recommendation to a surgeon, a discount, a part time job, or even a simple donation it would be appreciated.

Feel free to email me or leave a comment, question, concern, etc. I appreciate any / all feedback and can’t say thank you enough for supporting me throughout all these years.

Those are the words I heard the plastic surgeon said Friday when I went for my consult. I explained that I had lost 100lbs starting January 2008 and got to 160 by Pride (end of June) last year, and have maintained a weight in the 150-140s ever since then. He explained that it was a good thing that I lost the weight when my body is still young enough to heal and not be so stretched out.

If I would of let myself go and not lost the weight when I did, I might be left with more extreme measures, but as it turns out my procedure won’t even be THAT major. Now any time you go under the knife it is a big and life threatening experience, but I don’t need a a belt lipectomy, I just need a simple tummy tuck. The surgeon will remove an amount of skin from the top of my belly button down to my public hair from hip bone to hip bone. The skin from my chest will then be pulled down and reattached to the lower part, thus making a flatter, tighter toroso.

Sounds sort of painful, but it is something that I’ve wanted for years.

I explained where I work and what I wanted out of the procedure. He even tried to explain to me that if I got lipo on my sides and chest that the results would be less than desirable and I would end up with flappy areas of skin. I was shocked that he wasn’t trying to “upsell” me, but rather turned me away with good reason on certain procedures.

The cost for this surgery will be signifigantly less than the full lower body lift I had origionally thought of. He is going to mail me a full quote, and I am going to see another few doctors for other opinions, but he extimated his fee at $5,000, the hospital fee of $1,300 plus $300/hour, and the anesthesiologist fee of $150/hour. I am thinking the cost will be around $7,000-$9,000 (which seems to be the average on most local doctor’s sites I’ve seen).

I still don’t have the funds for the surgery, and with my paycheck as it is this week, and with all the Pride activities, iPhone 3GS purchase, etc I won’t be able to afford my rent this month, so my plans of moving out are unchanged. In order to save up the needed $7,000 minimum, I estimate 3 1/2 months if I didn’t spend a single dime, but more likely 5-6 months living without an apartment.

Any help that you can provide will be appreciated. I will have donation buttons on the site soon, and if you have a sleeping bag, pillow, side project, part time job, an Atkins friendly meal, or place to let me crash for a night or two it would be GREATLY appreciated. It is going to be a long ~6 months, but I hope to make the best of it, and can’t wait to see the results of my dedication and efforts. The doctor took before shots, and I will see about taking some myself and posting the progress.

I also will be working out quite a bit more, and concentrating on my upper chest to get that in a presentable condition so that by the time I have my surgery I will feel comfortable with my shirt off at the beach, pool, or at some circuit party. I’ve ALWAYS wanted to go to Gus Presents Underworld party (I have a huge underwear fettish), but been too scared to with my current looks. Underworld will be the first event I go to post surgery healing with my new toroso. I am so excited and can’t wait for what the future has in store.

P.S. The picture of the before/after is not me, but a picture from the surgeon I saw today’s site.

My ENTIRE life I have been overweight, fat, picked on, teased, mocked, etc. My parents in 2nd grade started to take me to a therapist to talk about the bullies at school. This was not the first nor the last time I was in a shrink’s chair.

Throughout grade school I saw another doctor or two for talk therapy…the only thing which stopped the bullies and the people picking on me was moving to a school where no one knew me, and I could start over fresh.

After high school I became even more suicidal and depressed. I moved to Alabama with this girl I was seeing, but didn’t really like when I was around age 21. When we separated and she stole all the money out of my bank account, I walked in front of a Semi only to be saved by my room mate. My parents came up and brought me back home to stay with them. A few days later my mom tells me that she called bill collectors and made payment arrangements for me…something I didn’t ask her to do, nor did I ever plan on paying them back. I didn’t know what to say so I gave her the silent treatment on the ride home from work.

She called both my psychologist and psychiatrist which I started to see and they had me put in the mental ward as they thought I had blanked out like I did when I walked in front of the semi. I hadn’t and was just mad at my mom…now was even more pissed b/c she got me locked up for about 3 weeks.

This wasn’t the first nor the last trip to the mental ward. There were numerous trips over the next few months & years. I saw more doctors outside of the hospital…I tried so many combinations of pills all of which had no effect on me or my mental state. Talk therapy didn’t work…locking me up didn’t work (I literally escaped on 2 or 3 occasions…once I got so far as to hop in a cab in the hospital parking lot, but the rush of hospital workers pouring out of the hospital to try to get me stopped the cabbie.)

I have been so screwed up for my entire life. Hell the New York Times even published a story of my suicidal ideations in relation to Twitter. I’ve been in and out of mental wards, in and out of so many doctors couches for therapy my entire life…it just doesn’t help.

Since moving to San Francisco and being able to feel free about who I am and come out, I have been healthier…mentally and physically. I lost 100lbs since I moved out here and have really only had one major suicidal outbreak, although the thought still plagues my thoughts most nights.

As I mentioned before…as long as I knew of such a thing, I wanted weight loss surgery. I LOST 100 POUNDS ON MY OWN…BY GOING TO THE GYM AND EATING RIGHT. I am sick of people telling me, “just go to the gym” or “just eat right” …I FUCKING DO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have 100 pounds of weight loss to prove it you assholes. I now also have skin left over from being overweight my entire fucking life. I want to get rid of that, and I need to (both for my physical state, but also for my mental state).

So don’t fucking tell me to just go to the gym or start dieting…I have…and don’t tell me to just seek help…it doesn’t work. I will live my own life, you live yours.

That was one of the most devastating days of my life emotionally…and I will never forget it until the day I die.

I never really had a good childhood. I grew up being made fun of and picked on all throughout elementary and middle school. I went to a high school full of nerds, called the Center for Advanced Technologies where no one knew me and I could start over fresh. I wasn’t picked on…I became anorexic for a summer and dropped a ton of weight, and had a pretty successful stream of girlfriends (although I didn’t lose my virginity until after high school).

Fast forward 10 years later. I ballooned upwards of 245lbs and was above 200 for a number of years. My body type (apparently) and years of not eating right had expanded my body in ways I am not proud of. I literally don’t go swimming, and in the rare case I do, I wear a shirt. I try to make it a point to leave my shirt on during sex. I wear black every day to hide what horrific scenes lie under my shirt.

I’m a mess….I hate how I look. I want to be able to go to an even with my friends…take off my shirt, dance, and feel free. I can’t do that without the fear of feeling different and having people look at me and think how ugly my body is.

I also can’t afford liposuction or what I really now want, a full body tuck (belt lipectomy). I have a stomach that won’t go away and love handles which would be corrected by such a surgery. At my lowest weight ever I was at 145 a few months ago when I was seeing a personal trainer, but still couldn’t shake the excess fat stored from when I used to be 100 pounds heavier. So…

I’ve decide to stop going out so much, stop spending my money on frivolously things and save every dime which I don’t need to live on towards a surgery which is estimated to cost between $13k-$20k. I’m not sure how much anyone has followed my life, but rent is one of the most frivolous expenses to me. I’ve moved into my car twice in my life, once for over a year. I have no problem living that lifestyle (even though I don’t have a car anymore…meaning I would literally be on the streets), so I am going to put in my 30 day notice (which I pre-paid my last month when I moved in) to my landlord at the end of the month and move out. I plan on saving every dime I make, getting a second job, and in the hopes that in maybe 6-8 months I can afford the procedure.

This is something I need to do for myself mentally as much as physically; I don’t think I will ever get over my hatred of my body until I do. I have a friend who has offered to let me store a box full of my stuff that I don’t sell at his place, and I plan on downgrading my life significantly for the time being. Hopefully, if everything works out sometime around the new year I will be a new thinner, more average man. I don’t want to fear being shirtless anymore.

One year later I couldn’t even imagine going back to being in the closet. It was such a liberating feeling. My family was accepting, my friends were accepting, and I think that the country has become more accepting. Every few weeks there are news stories about other states lifting gay marriage bans. It is really an amazing time to be living in for people in the community.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbWDNM0wuAc[/youtube]

I can’t say that everything the past year was easy, but I’ve been a happier and healthier person. I used to experience severe fits of depression, and they are very few and far between now, and less severe. I’m still keeping the weight off which I lost last year. I am just healthier than I’ve ever been in most of my life, mentally and physically. 

I still haven’t found a relationship or a really close friend, but I think I am becoming better friends with the ones I have, and I dated someone for the first time in over 7 years. I’m sure happiness and love will come in time, until then just ignore my rants on Twiter about love not existing.

If you are thinking about coming out…do so. It will be one of the best things you could ever do. I haven’t regretted doing it for a moment. 

Read my coming out post here.

That being said, what is the average amount or percent which I should set aside for myself? Right now I estimate that after bills, not including food, I have around $1300 extra a month left over. I just got my tax return, so I am in the green right now (although it might be going towards a deposit on a new apartment). I would like to set aside $250 into a seperate savings account, which is already setup through work, but I always end up needing to pull it every paycheck. Now that I am ahead right now, I am going to try to build that up. 

So with food costs being miniminal…I maybe spend a few hundred a month on food. With the $250 savings, and lets say food is another $250, I have around $800 per month in which I can “play with.” A night out typically consists of pulling $40 out of the ATM, and spending most, but never all of it. Going out on JUST Friday & Saturday every week is about $320. I typically go out on Thursdays and often Sundays as well. With all of that, it brings my total to $640 on going out…..only $160 left of my disposable income. 

Ugh…I think I need a second job.

I have been single since 2002, when I was dating this girl (yes a girl) who was married and had children, but was in the beginning stages of a divorce. It was a VERY messy breakup, and things went horrifically wrong. The girl and I were ….well let me explain this first. I am VERY codependent. In this girlfriend I found someone who was like me in more ways than I ever imagined possible. Ultimately it didn’t work out, and we separated. I moved back to Florida and moved on with my life. 

Before 2002 and this girlfriend, not during, but after the breakup I have been attracted to men and gone on to do things with other guys. This is really no secret, but the entire time which I have been attracted to guys, not ONCE have I had a boyfriend. Now the last relationship was in 2002. Here is where I get pissed off when people say, “Sometimes you need to stop looking.” Since 2002….SEVEN FUCKING YEARS AGO, I have gone through periods of REALLY doing anything I could to get in a relationship, and MANY times where I just couldn’t be bothered with one. Hell I lived in my car for over a year, and that entire time there was no way that I was looking for a relationship. So…by your “logic” when I’m not looking I am bound to find a relationship…WRONG!

Okay, let’s take into account that I’ve only been “datable” looking (I was really fat before… and still have fat left over, but I’m hoping to get Belt lipectomy sometime within the next year) for say 7 months now. During that time frame I have been working, going out, making “friends”, etc. I have had periods where I was far too busy to concentrate on looking for a boyfriend. Only until recently, did I actively start looking for one. I signed up for Chemistry.com on Christmas Day, and spent $159 for a 6 month membership. Since then I have had not one….not even ONE…person contact me back on there, and apparently I’ve gone so far as exhaust all available “candidates” in San Francisco, that Chemistry is now trying to connect me with people as far away as Sacramento (remember I don’t have a car). 

I really don’t want to be mean sounding, but I can’t stand hearing people say, “Just stop looking and it will happen.” That ISN’T TRUE…and don’t believe it when people tell you it is. If you want something you have to go out of your way to get it yourself. You can’t count on anyone in this world but yourself, and if you want something you must be willing to fight tooth and nail for it.

My friend Martina and I were talking earlier in the day when I was deciding if I wanted to go. I sort of thought the guy was attractive, but felt like I might be forcing myself to like him if things didn’t go well because I want a relationship, or as Marcus says, “I’m relationship orientated.” Actually Marcus said that about Andy (the guy from last night).

After dinner we go to The Mix and it is really loud. I’m getting over a cold and with the loud noise, I had to speak louder then normal, and wound up nearly losing my voice by the end of the night. Here at The Mix is where things started to go downhill. He would mention this guy or that guy was hot, and I sort of just brushed it off, or was like, oh yeah I guess…. Well this didn’t stop there.

Oh let me explain the title of this post. I sort of went off my diet between Christmas day and New Year’s…so I decided to re-start the induction phase of Atkins, which means no more then 20 carbs a day, and no BAD carbs..aka beer. I’ve never liked the taste of alcohol at all, and can only barely stand the taste of beer & wine, so when I go out that is what I drink. I haven’t had a drink in about a week now, so I’ve been drinking diet coke and water when I go out.

We head to The Lookout for Social Club and blow right by the $4 cover as we were on the list and knew the promoter. Some other friends were there including Marcus, Aaron, and a number of other people. Andy is drinking vodka cran’s all night and I don’t mind while I’m drinking my waters and diet cokes. It was very busy at The Lookout with tons of hot guys, and Andy kept pointing that out.

Subplot: I ran into this guy at The Lookout who I apparently I had spoken with during a party at The Castro Street Fair. I unfortunately couldn’t remember him, but we talked for a few minutes and he seemed like a really nice guy…and cute.

Andy late in the night (around 1am) tells me he wants to go to Badlands because…AND I QUOTE, “I can tell I am not going to meet anyone here tonight.” Now here is where the evening really took a turn for the worse. Marcus had asked me when we go to The Lookout how it was going, 1 being OMG AMAZING, and 5 being shoot me now. I said 2 at the time…once Andy said this, I texted Marcus and said that the evening, “turned into a 4.”

We head to Badlands and it is packed, but not nearly as many hot guys. Andy gets pretty drunk at this point…while I’m drinking my water…and by the end of the night wants to dance…I barely dance when I’m drunk…sober, not going to happen. I go out to the dance area and stand there while he dances a bit, then sees a guy and goes over to start talking him up. I think the night is pretty much at level 5 now. He does a shot at last call and some guy buys him another one right after that. Him and this other guy (not even the one he was talking to) are now DRUNK.

Back to the subplot: While I was walking out, the guy from The Lookout was leaving Badlands as well. We talk for a bit and he says, “enjoy later tonight.” I explain to him that there I am going home alone tonight..and won’t be going home with Andy whatsoever. He says he is too, now we are being shuffled out the door, and I jokingly say, “oh really? Where do you live?” He was already out the door and I really had to go to the bathroom so I run back and go….STUPID ME! I should of gone out side and at least gotten his number. He was with this other guy all night, and I guess they were just friends by his last comment. I didn’t realize that until then, hence why I wasn’t more outgoing earlier. Hopefully I will see this guy again….

Well after I leave the bathroom I see Andy and this other drunk guy still inside. I am outside now, trying to find the guy who I was was mentioned in the subplot. I see the 33 bus coming and realize it will take me 3 blocks from home…it is REALLY cold last night and I didn’t feel like walking the 1 mile home, so I run to catch the bus and head home.

Andy texts me asking where I was…I said I was heading home…It seemed like I was a fall back if he didn’t find someone else. I didn’t really like that feeling, and while my actions with subplot guy were friendly, they weren’t out of line like the comments Andy was making all night.

He texted me this morning, and literally 10 seconds ago asking what I was up to. I think I’m going to hit up the gym then who knows what. I am sort of proud of myself that I didn’t say, ehh it is just sex and go home with Andy anyway.

Well…until my next “dinner” I guess…although they are unfortunately too few and far between.