As with a lot of people I was unsure of how, or why, I should use Twitter - I even thought it could be detrimental to your online reputation if no-one followed you! I just did not get it at all. However I signed up anyway and started experimenting. Within a few hours I’d had a slightly bizarre but amusing ‘conversation’ about bears in captivity (don’t ask) with one of my new followers. Think of it as a huge place to hang out and pick up conversations about anything and everything. Some of it will interest you and some won’t - it’s up to you to work out how you want it to work. You can follow some very funny people here (my personal current favourites are Stephen Fry, Alan Davies and Jonathan Ross - but then I’m English) and hosts of some of the gurus of online marketing and promotion. Their tweets (the name for the 140 character message that you put up) are an informative insight into their lives and personalities - which is one of the reasons YOU should be using it. It’s a great way for your fans, both new and old, to see what you’re up to, what goes on back stage, how the new album is going, let them know about the blog you’ve just published (you have a blog right??)…. Let them get to know you better, interact with them, invite them to interact with you - and they may be more willing to buy stuff later on!

I am by no means an expert on Twitter and its many possibilities, far from it, but I know a man that is! Bob Baker specialises in online promotion for musicians and has written a very comprehensive guide on how and why musicians should use Twitter for marketing. I urge you to go and have a read - any questions or doubts you may have will be answered here.

If you fancy trying it out, why not sign up and follow me on Twitter. It’s free and if you hate it, don’t use it - but give it a month to really try it out, you’ll be surprised.

Are you already using Twitter? What are your feelings about it? Has it helped your community or fan base grow or does it just distract you from getting down to work? Please let me now in the comments below.

I did, and I found parts of it, like parts of the entire campaign, disturbing. Poor Senator McCain felt hurt at the comments of Senator John Lewis. I almost shed a tear - not. I wonder if Senator Obama felt ‘hurt’ at being, for all intents and purposes, called a terrorist. Or at having people shout ‘Kill Him’ when his name was mentioned by that odious little woman, Palin. I found it interesting that Senator McCain should call her a role-model for all women. Should a role-model encourage racial tension or quote from the works of W. Pegler, a mid-century writer known for his fascist, racist and violent rhetoric? Uh, don’t think so really.

Please read this article from the New York Times and the truly disturbing aspects of the McCain/Palin campaign.

Many, many non-Americans are taking great interest in this election, possibly far more than at any other time in history. Whether we like it or not, the USA is a superpower in every sense and as such affects the world in a multitude of ways - just look at the current economic crisis. The election is about economics, health, taxes as usual but unfortunately, as proven by some recent Republican comments, the subject of racism still, sadly, hangs around in the background. Americans now have a chance to not only make a huge change for the good of the country but to show how much they have grown as a tolerant people.

While the rest of can but watch to see what they do with that chance, we can only hope they choose wisely.

I digress slightly. There are only a handful of TV programmes that I watch at home - mostly because I don’t have time but also because even the scripted shows aren’t as good as when I was growing up. One of my favourite is Californication, a show to which I have caught onto late in the day (I’ve only just bought the first series on DVD and the second is about to start in the U.S.). Created by Tom Kapinos, it stars David Duchovny as the acerbic Hank Moody, a famed writer who is suffering from writers block, pines after his ex-girlfriend, is trying to help raise his pre-teen daughter and who copes with it all by having excessive amounts of drink, drugs and sex. Don’t you love him already? Tom Kapinos wrote this screenplay originally as an exercise to break through his own writers block by writing the first thing that came to mind - and it is partly that premise that gives the show it’s unique air.

One of Hank’s more appealing traits is his candour. He makes no apologies for who he is and he speaks his mind with very little thought for the consequences. Through his scathing, yet mostly eloquent comments, Hank deals with people and situations the way that most can only dream of after the event has occurred. While his comments may offend they are not necessarily offensive. There are plenty of extremely offensive people in the world but being offensive for offensive’s sake is asinine at best - morons without a cause. To put down the annoying guy at the coffee machine or the queue jumper or the arrogant bank manager and to do so with articulate wit is far more effective. Hank is a modern day rebel, a fictitious, politically incorrect beacon of hope in a non-fictitious world drowning in it’s own apathetic blandness. With so many uninspired and uninspiring male roles around we need more extreme characters like this. We need Hank Moody!

There is another aspect of the character of Hank Moody (and by default his creator Tom Kapinos) with which I can relate too completely - his complete intolerance of stupid people and his dismay at the degradation and dumbing down of the English language. As most of you know, I am trying to play my part in the fight against the growing tide of illiteracy and abuse of the English language both online and off. I am beginning to find other like-minded souls online and will be adding them to my blogroll. If you know of an intelligent, articulate writer or blogger that you think I should get in touch with and add to my list, then please let me know. I’d love to hear from you.

In the meantime, I’m going to end with some comments from Hank in an episode of Californication, entitled LOL. It’s from a scene where Hank is doing a radio interview and it perfectly captures my opinions on the subject of the internet and the English language - in fact it could be me! The irony of writing this in a blog is not lost on me!

Henry Rollins: So, what’s your latest obsession?

Hank Moody: Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber, you know? I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically 4 figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratise us but all it’s really given us is Howard Dean’s aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. You know, people …. they don’t write anymore, they blog; instead of talking they text, no punctuation, no grammar, LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me that it’s just a bunch of stupid people pseudo communicating with a bunch of other stupid people in a protolanguage that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King’s English.”

Rollins: Yet you’re part of the problem. I mean, you’re out there blogging with the best of them

Hank: Hence my self-loathing

Click here for more superb quotes from Hank Moody.

I suppose it’s fitting that the last day off the tour should be the biggest balls up. We were all told to be ready for an 11 a.m. pick-up for the airport. Our flight was at 1.15 and we had a TV broadcast to do before the gig (actually they booked it before the sound check just to ensure we sounded our best!). By 11.15 there was no bus but one of the guys had overheard one of the producers saying the pick-up had been changed to 11.30. Nice to be told! By 11.30, nothing. Judy rang both of the producers and got no reply. She then went to their respective rooms and banged on the door - no reply. Eventually one of them came downstairs and started trying to ring the driver to find out what had happened, behaving as if this wasn’t their fault. It’s now mid-day. So, we have to get 5 taxis to take us to the airport in a rush. Note to Jazz Festival Brasil - don’t hang out after your bedtime if you can’t handle it … which you obviously can’t. You need to be awake early everyday to sort out the inevitable cock-ups which you have arranged for the day!!!

We make the check-in just on time - to discover the flight is delayed. No lunch? We are promised hot food at the theatre because we will have just enough time to get changed at the hotel before the TV show. As I’ve mentioned before, jazz musicians have a much lower tolerance of waiting around than most people. If you include the time at the hotel, we were waiting around for just over three hours before the flight. When we arrived at Recife we were told the TV show had been cancelled. Nice. So now, at least, we have time to go for lunch. We were taken to an amazing place called ‘Mingus’ (yes, the owner is a jazz fan). Superb food and a beautifully relaxing locale was just what we need. Just as the file mignon with mustard sauce etc. arrived, we were informed that we had to leave as soon as possible because the venue was over an hour from the hotel, and we still had to get to the hotel! Rushing again, we got to the hotel with 30 minutes to shower and change - once again, do you see the pattern? One of the guys was pretty ill from something he ate, so Judy spent the first 15 minutes of that half hour sorting out medicine and a cab to take him to the gig at the last minute. So she had even less time than the rest of us! The air-conditioning in the hotel had broken, so the rooms resembled a sauna on full blast! Then the lift that Judy was in broke down for 10 minutes on the way down! Anyway, we got to the venue in time for a sound check and a bit of sit down time before the gig. By the way, the hot food we were promised consisted of a plate of sandwiches and some cake!

The gig was, as we had hoped, the best one. Everyone was on fire, the audience loved it and were extremely responsive. There was a degree of sadness after the show, as there usually is after a tour with a band like this. Although we are recording in New York next week, the next tour hasn’t been booked yet, and may not be until next year. It is so rare these days to have a band who thinks SO alike, on so many levels, that when you have this kind of connection, both musically and personally, it is very hard to see it end. We just want to keep playing and hanging out.

Up until this point I hadn’t been told what time my flight is to get home. During the afternoon I found out that I arrive at 1.30 p.m. and that the e-ticket has been emailed to me. The most direct route is to go Recife-Salvador-Belo Horizonte and takes around 3 hours. So, I figure I’ll check in around 9 a.m.. When I picked up my emails however, I discovered that my flight is at 6.30 a.m. to Sao Paulo, wait 3 hours in Sao Paulo and then fly back up to Belo. The trip will take me 7 hours instead. The ticket had been emitted that day, therefore the festival had forgotten to buy it beforehand and discovered the only route left was that one. Can these people be any more retarded? Really? So my check-in was at 5 a.m.. Judy, Dan and Dave were heading up to Belem for one last gig (the festival were too tight to pay for the entire band) and their flight was at 5.20 a.m.!! It was just as easy to leave the hotel at 4 with them and have some breakfast at the airport.

After the gig, we went back to the great restaurant for a meal and final celebration of another successful tour. After some excellent food and wine, and a great hang, we got to the hotel around 2. So there was no point in going to bed. I just took a shower, watched some TV and packed. Then re-packed just because I had some time left over! By the time I got home it was around 3.30 Friday afternoon and I’d had only 5 hours sleep since Tuesday night! Boy, did I feel good. Still, it was worth it. Thanks again Judy for getting us together again - and keeping us sane!!

More thoughts and comments

I often have discussions with people about what it is to be a professional musician. Some really believe that if your sole source of income is music, then you are a professional musician. That’s so wrong I’m not even going to go down that road. There are many, many aspects that make up a professional musician. Absolute dedication to the music and your instrument, punctuality, respect, care in your appearance … the list is long. There is however one aspect often overlooked, and it is this;

Despite everything that can happen during the day, all the setbacks and delays and cock-ups; despite the fact that you may not have eaten for almost 12 hours or only slept for 4 or feel ill or only had half an hour to change having spent all day travelling ….. when you walk past the curtain and onto the stage, you HAVE TO BE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. You have to put on a perfect show. You have to be 100% and nothing less. You have to be able to focus completely on the music at a moments notice, and block everything else out. The audience isn’t interested in anything else. They have paid their hard earned money to come and be entertained, and that is what we are there for. This is probably the hardest part of being professional and it is something that most people don’t think about and find it hard to comprehend.

My hope, through all these posts, was to give you an idea of what it’s like being on the road. I don’t know if I wrote them well enough to get that across - maybe it’s just something that you have to do, to really understand. Although who wanted to go on tour just to see what it’s like should be committed!

Please let me know if you enjoyed this series or how you think I can improve for next time. Have you been on the road with a band? How did you find it and how did you cope with the trials of being on tour? I’d love to hear from you.

I didn’t think there was enough traveling going on during this tour, so I decided to go home in between gigs! Actually, it was my wedding anniversary, so I popped home on the day off. It’s actually between Rio and Aracaju, so it kind of made sense. I needed an injection of sanity - and nothing does that quite as well as being beaten up by my 3 year old daughter!! Had a great day, although I’m not looking forward to a 5 am wake up call - oh well, my fault

Day 11 - Aracaju

Well, I was wondering why my ticket said a 5 hour trip, when it should have been around 3. I had 2 stop overs on the way, just to make it fun. Of course I worried the whole journey that my suitcase would make the same connections …… otherwise no clarinet and no clothes for the gig!!

All was fine, thankfully. Hotel is nice, right by the beach - although I won’t have time to use it. I really need to get some practicing in. I wasn’t happy with the gig in Rio, purely from my own point of view. I’m getting pretty set now in my tenor style but finding a comfortable equivalent on clarinet is proving tricky.

Tonight was one of those nights. They moved the sound check to 7 p.m. saying there would be food at the theatre and it would be easier to stay there in between sound check and gig. So, we spent over an hour trying to get a decent sound, which left us half an hour to eat … but there was no food. Well, there were some cheese twists and little sweets, but no real food. The gig was great, again. Everyone played there asses off tonight, although Judy, Dave and Dan excelled themselves. By the time we finished, and left the theatre, it was around 11.30 p.m.. Got back to the hotel to eat, and discovered they would only do sandwiches. And even those took almost an hour to arrive! So, apart from lunch, no food until breakfast. Whee hee!!!

After thoughts

I have a pretty fiery temper and these days tend to react and speak without necessarily thinking. In the world of the blog, theoretically you have time to open your mouth, so to speak and then review those thoughts before the outside world hears, or reads, them. I am, however, the first to admit when I make a balls up or a mistake. In my last post, I criticized Gunhild and Max Carling for basically being themselves, and that was both wrong and unfair. I stand by my comments that Chris Flory shouldn’t be part of the group, but that wasn’t their fault - the festival put them together without thinking. My anger was aimed at the festival and I took it out on them instead. So, I’m making an apology. I’ve just been hanging with Max and he is a very humble, wonderful person. Sorry guys, you didn’t deserve that!!

Another day off, so I invited the band over for lunch. Excellent day, we played some 2-on-1 basketball downstairs and hung out by the pool before sitting down for a long and relaxing lunch. All was going well until we went to the theatre to see the evenings shows. I’ve never written a review or critique of a band before and I normally don’t pay much attention to critics - on this occasion I feel compelled to write something. I could have written this Saturday night but it would have been an obscene diatribe - I needed some time to cool off.

With the exception of Judy’s band, there are two bands per night during this festival with one set each. The first band this evening was put together just for the festival. It was billed as the Gunhild Carling Band with Chris Flory, although there was no room made for poor Chris - the trumpet player and drummer were from Brazil, with Chris on guitar and Lee Hudson on bass, Gunhill on various instruments and her brother Max on reeds. Where do I start? If I had been in a circus tent I would have, perhaps, felt a bit better. I have never in my life seen such a pile of complete bollocks on stage as I did that evening. Incensed doesn’t even come close. Gunhild is actually a good trombone player and a very nice singer but when she played Stardust on a recorder I started giggling. The sort of uncontrollable, body shaking giggling that you did at the back of class when you were a teenager. This turned very quickly into shock, when she started tap dancing and singing through a megaphone, to disbelief when her brother Max started juggling. Then the anger came forth and I’m afraid I became somewhat verbally abusive. The audience, of course, loved it (the show, not my explicit remarks on human reproduction). They knew no better. It was entertainment - albeit of the very worst sort. The final straw came when he started juggling - badly. It would have been more acceptable if small razor blades had been handed out before hand so you at least had the option of ending it early. The Carling family are known for this type of show - and I have no problem with that. It does NOT, however, belong in a jazz festival.

I would like to make something VERY clear at this point. The pain that was felt by every musician on behalf of Chris Flory and Lee Hudson is almost indescribable. That great musicians such as these should be placed in, effectively, a circus band is beyond comprehension. THIS IS CHRIS FLORY FOR F**KS SAKE - HE SHOULD NOT BE DOING THIS!!!!! The ONLY moment of real music from this evening was when the stage was handed over to Chris, Lee and Bo, the drummer, for a feature. Chris played a superb version of ‘If I Were a Bell’. His sense of time and feel is a pleasure to listen to. He is such a wonderful musician and human being that it is truly heartbreaking to see him in this situation.

Thankfully my sanity was preserved, and my belief in music salvaged, by the second band - that of Leroy Jones. He is one of my favourite trumpet players these days, and he played as beautifully as I had hoped he would. I spent some of last week hanging out Mitchell Player, who plays bass with Leroy and it was great to finally see him play. One of the highlights was the last number in which Leroy’s pianist, Paul David, stretched out in a wonderful McCoy Tyner-esque solo. Their set was a good mix of standards and New Orleans favourites. It’s a great band with great musicians playing great music - pay attention Jazz Festival Brazil!!

Day 8 - Rio de Janeiro

I always feel that Rio is a bit like a beautiful model. From afar it is stunning in its beauty. A closer look, however, reveals imperfections in the facade. The decadence in Rio is sad. Once grand buildings and streets have become worn and uncared for. Areas that were once thriving cultural centers have become homes for the dregs of humanity. Such is the neighborhood where the festival organizers have thoughtfully placed the musicians. It was once the heart of the entertainment district, full of art-deco cinemas. They are still here, although the films they mostly show these days are not rated PG! The hotel where we are staying was built in 1949 and I think that was probably the last time anyone decorated the rooms. The foyer retains a certain charm from that period - marble walls with some gold leafing and a large chandelier. As soon as you leave the elevator that charm dissipates rather quickly. A small, dingy corridor leads you down to a even smaller, dingier room. It has a look of great comfort to something with four legs. An immediate concern it what you might catch by lying on the bed, although as Dave Blenckhorn pointed out the acrylic bedcovers would have surely killed any germs off! There is an odd window built into the door that really adds to the sensation of being locked away!

Judy, Dave, Charlie and myself had no desire to stay any longer than we had to here, so we went over to Copacabana beach for a walk. We ended up having some Mojitos and Caipirinhas at the ever majestic Copacabana Palace Hotel, enjoying the regality of what remains one of the most beautiful hotels in the world. We then went a bit further up the Avenida Atlantica to a very nice Italian restaurant and splashed out on a lovely dinner with great wine. It was a superb evening, with each of us in turn regaling the others with various stories of being on the road. To be honest, we needed this - it’s very easy to descend into depression and despair when these circumstance arise on tour. To anyone who asks the question “why do so many musicians drink and do drugs?”, this hotel and the first set last night is the perfect answer!

Day 9 - Rio

Long day of waiting around for the sound check and gig. Raining here, so not much to do. Sound check went fine, although the sound in the theatre was pretty dead. Having waited all day, doing nothing, we then had a 30 minute turnaround between the sound check and gig - no dinner then! Just some snacks at the venue … and NO beer for after the gig. What’s with that!!!!

Gig was great. The band played very well under tough circumstances. Ed has screwed up his left leg, so he was playing without a hi-hat, and the airline company managed to break the pick-ups on Dave’s guitar. He managed to rig an acoustic setup which worked really well though. Judy called a varied, well balanced program tonight, featuring everyone in good doses and swinging like crazy. There are really very few bands around that can touch this one!!

Stayed in the hotel bar for a while having a drink and hanging out. 7 am leave tomorrow - deep joy!

Day 3 - Sao Paulo

A relatively relaxing day, up until the sound check. The usual arguments ensued …. The sound guys saying that we need to mic everything and not to pay too much attention to the sound because when people come in it will change (like we’ve never done this before!!). However, we believe (and I am extremely vocal in this!) that if the audience is given the choice of having to listen or not be able to hear, then they will listen. If you force them to listen by turning up the volume, then they talk louder …. thereby making the sound engineers turn up the volume more, and so on. If the band is acoustic and the audience is listening, then a very intimate atmosphere can be created. Far better than shouting, right?

The gig was great. The audience did listen, were very attentive and really dug what was going on. I love being right!!

The only food available after the gig was in the hotel foyer. After an eternity of waiting, it finally arrived allowing us to get to bed around 3.30 am. Ready for an 8 am wake up call.

Day 4 - Brasilia

And we’re off! The flight check in wasn’t too early so there was time for breakfast at the hotel. Then the rush started. We we’re delayed leaving Sao Paulo and arrived in Brasilia to ……. no-one. The bus wasn’t there, so we waited another 20-25 minutes until someone arrived. They’d been waiting at another gate - oh really! No time for lunch, just straight to the hotel with enough time to check in and then drive to the venue for a sound check. At which point the driver informed us that the traffic would be SO bad when we left the sound check that we would have to turn around and come back to the theatre to make the show on time. Sound check went well - still no lunch. By now it’s 5.15. As promised, we had about 30 minutes to have a shower and change before having to rush back to theatre - where finally there are some sandwiches. Lunch at 7 p.m.!!

Show was great. Very nice venue (the memorial to former Brazilian president Juscelino Kubitschek) with very responsive crowd. We were taken for a meal after the gig and finally got to the hotel around 1.30 am. As it was an Express hotel, there was nothing available there anyway, so off to bed. Up at 6 am for check in.

Day 5 - Belo Horizonte

Flight was, unsurprisingly, delayed and we arrived an hour or so later than expected. You’re beginning to see the trend, right? Popped home for lunch and then straight out for a sound check. Back home for shower and change and off we go again. The gig was a fund raiser dinner for a local charity. People paid a fortune to come, and then talked and ate throughout the entire show. Which was a shame, not least because we played our asses off - perhaps because we were beyond caring by then? We had a ball, sod them!! We knew that would be the deal anyway … it always is for these kind of events. Got home around 3 am.

Day 6 - Belo Horizonte

Day off, although there was a workshop planned. It went very well - Judy is very good at talking and explaining things and for her, as for most of us, workshops like these are an opportunity to get younger people interested in jazz and try to explain a bit more about what it is we do. Another unannounced TV crew turned up - without a translator!! How retarded can these people be???? So, I have to translate for them - including on the TV show. Neither Judy nor I are particularly well dressed for this. It would have been nice if somebody would actually TELL US about these things!!

Night off tonight, so we’re all going to a Churrascaria - a Brazilian steakhouse where the meat is brought out on skewers. Cooked however you want it (if too rare, than back it goes to the flame grill to cook more) and flavoured only with rock salt, the meat is the most succulent you’ve ever tasted. That’s made my mouth water, so I’m off.

All this meant a few hours of ‘are we, aren’t we’ waiting around. There is a certain tiredness that comes about when waiting that is different from normal ‘late night’ tiredness and jazz musicians have a particularly low threshold when it comes to sitting on our respective asses doing F. all.

Anyway, the ‘about a 10 minute walk’ to the studio turned out to be nearer 20 minutes. So, by the time we got there and set up we only had about an hour left!! We had to be out by 4pm because another band had booked it. Turns out there was no band, they just wanted to go home earlier. Nice for them. Still, we ran through a fair amount of stuff and the band is already beginning to cook! First gig tomorrow (Tuesday) so we’re chomping at the bit, so to speak.

Very nice meal/hang time at the hotel tonight with everyone talking about everything from Greek amphitheaters to baseball to mental hospitals to politics (the two obviously go hand in hand) to Wagner, Stravinsky and Rachmaninov! Also a great relief that Hurricane Gustav didn’t directly hit New Orleans.

These are seven of the most extreme personalities that you can have, and the humour is sharp enough to cut through anything. A great deal of laughing to be had. And not light, polite giggling but the real, belly aching, tear producing kind that comes along all too infrequently these days. We hang out together not through a lack of any other options but because we genuinely enjoy each others company, both musically and socially. It is a wonderful experience, and a rare one, to get a group of musicians together, who are all on the same page in so many respects. You will never have a more entertaining night than to hang out with people like this.

Currently listening to the Harry Allen and Joe Cohn Quartet “Hey, Look Me Over”. Great playing and great music. Highly recommended.

Well anyway, here I am in Sao Paulo on the first day of the tour. I’m currently in the hotel cafe with Judy discussing, and trying to laugh off, the first days cock ups and stresses!

The flight down was fine and the trip to the hotel without problems. After MUCH arguing, Judy managed to sort out a rehearsal space for us this afternoon. The idea being to run through some numbers for the TV show tomorrow. In fact, the ONLY reason that we’re all here 2 days earlier than need be (the first show of the tour is Tuesday night) is for the TV show. Everyone could be at home working or staying with family an extra day. So why, when we discovered this evening that the tv show had been canceled, were we the only ones NOT surprised. There are some types of musicians who great this news with delight - paid piss up time. We are all of the other type - when there is a night off or a canceled show, we could be at another gig. Money is money and bills don’t pay themselves, apart from the fact we’d rather be playing than just sitting around!

Great start to 2 weeks.

A while ago I asked you to send me questions or topics that you would like to read about. One of the replies was about being on tour - is it really all parties and laughs?

Well, coincidentally, I start a tour on Sunday with the Judy Carmichael Septet. So I thought I’d use this perfect opportunity to show you what it can be like ‘on the road’. What I will try to do is write a post at the end of each day of the tour, including the days off. If, as quite often happens, the flights are delayed and/or the theatre has screwed up the sound check and we end up waiting around for hours on end and/or there is no food available ANYWHERE after the gig - well, then the posts might not be entirely suitable for younger readers!!

This is the first tour I’ve ever done where I’m not 100% leading up to it - in any way, shape or form. I’m still trying to get it together, both musically and physically, after my bout of pneumonia in June. I can’t begin to describe the frustration of having to work SO hard just to get back to a reasonable level of proficiency, let alone anywhere close to level I was in June. I’ve had to soften my reeds and, on the clarinet, drop down a facing on my mouthpiece. This, in turn, brings a general imbalance between the instruments - not good when you’re doubling a lot.

So, it may well be an interesting few weeks in many respects. But, for now, I’m just looking forward to getting back on the road - and telling you all about it!