Nina's Blogged Life

Why I'll Vote Obama

2012-06-29T19:27:00.001-07:00

Basic rights are just that. They are basic. I don't see why they are debated. To me, the most basic of all rights is equality. It is the right to be treated the same with the treatment being based on your actions and not any inherent trait you can't control.

For the 2012 voting cycle, my biggest issue is equality in all senses of the word. I want there to be no gay hate. I want people to get the same amount of money for the same job. People are just people. They aren't any different than the ones we are the most comfortable with. To me, that gives a truly great country that we were once proud of.

That really only leaves me with one candidate that I would vote for in the presidential candidate. The only person I would really ever consider in this race is Barack Obama. His outspoken view about gay marriage is something that makes me feel safe in the way that nothing else really does.

He has other qualities that make me really happy. I just think that within the republican candidacy there is just no good that comes out of it. I see people backsliding into the past when all we should be doing is looking to the future. The future where equality and diversity is not something that seems strange or weird but seems delightfully normal. I've always thought that it seemed weird that more people don't have a worldview that appreciates diversity, but I need it. It makes life more interesting. The way to encourage that is to make it easier to be different, to be equal.

by YourLocalSecurity.com

Experiencing a Moment

2012-06-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

Some experiences take a long time and some happen all at once. It's this brilliant way of being human that is so fantastic and so incredibly strange, but in all of its glory, very very beautiful.

It's not that I've never noticed this before. I notice it all the time, but somehow today, it seems worth talking about. Maybe it's because I've had so many experiences today that I've generally been truly grateful for.

I've gotten to go and see a great person and share my stories. I've gotten retweeted by someone I care about their opinions. I've gotten to see one of the nicest and cleanest roadside stops on probably this face of the planet. These are all really kind of instant things but they've all built from little things in me.   They've all built up from a string of incidents in my life.

The stories are something I'm proud of, but I don't want to share them with my family. I think I'm scared of their judgment because I like them. This is my talent and I like it too.   I mean there are these two things that I want so much for people to like and it's just hard blending those two things together.

Getting to share those stories with soemone who cared, it might be something to take the chance on. Maybe I should just email them to her and get her opinion. I don't know how they are right now and who knows maybe she has some inspiring piece of story to help me along in my career.

With the idea that I've got someone who I like replying to me on twitter, I've liked a lot of things. I like people. I like things.   And I've gotten into a crazy world that I adore. And I've met people I adore through it. So when someone new and good comes into this circle, it's great. As an actor, he's wonderful and seeing him vlog was just something amazing, it's a little piece of what I like in people.

And I feel I need to tell people that I care. I love people.   They need to know that their work is flourishing and the idea that comment made an impact makes me smile. I've never wanted anything in my life other than to make comments that matter and/or touch people in a personal way.

That cleanest rest stop, well, let's just say i've seen walmarts smaller than it. It's a place where people are connected by this crazy idea that they're all going somewhere. They are all meeting family or friends or going to a new place and it's all just everyone is connected by this strange happiness. It's happiness is reflected in it's ability to defy all expectations of rest stops and be bright and shiny.

Maybe we've all been exactly where I am now. Maybe we haven't. All I know is that life is crazy and complicated and beautiful in ways that I've never expected and that makes it fun. Life is always worth living, even if someone tells you otherwise. Maybe especially then. Enjoy the experience and the ride because it's all crazy but no one gets to make your artwork. You have that job. Make it what you want to be.   And mine, well it's bright colors and wonderful pattern.

Love Ya,
Nina x

Another Book Finished!

2012-06-24T08:57:00.001-07:00

I finished Delirium which was such a good book. It took me a little while longer because some of the parts were really slow but once you got to the last twenty percent, oh my god, I was hooked. There was just so much in that last bit that fulfilled me in so many ways. I really loved it because it was just, it was different. It was different than a lot of the things I've read in the dystopian setting. The people weren't aware of how bad it was.

Honestly, it actually reminds me of what I liked so much about Brave New World even though everyone around me hated it. I liked it because I knew things were bad and I was getting this glimpse into life that they didn't see. This is what could have been. People are complacent with the way things are and that is a terrifying future. It just holds so much illusion that this world is prettier than it is for people.

So on that note, I'm really glad I get to put it in the read book list. I think now, I'm going to read pride and prejudice, along with probably the Hunger Games again. I really want to reread that book because this was just moving and I know that the two books couldn't be farther apart but I'm so into the dystopia right now, it's a little bit crazy. Only two books away from completing another resolution of mine. This is insane. I've never finished one resolution, let alone two. This is a happy and spirited time for me and I hope that all of you are having just as good of a time as I am.

Novel Excerpt: Novel As of Yet Untitled

2012-06-20T14:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, so let me tell you a little bit about this, it's an excerpt of my novel as the title suggests and the basic rundown is that it is about a woman caught in the middle of three love stories that kind of collide into each other. This is one of the really sad moments.

I was determined to make that day more productive with everyone. I wanted everyone to be a little bit happier and I tried to do that. No one really noticed. Jon was distracted by his damn phone all day and it was driving me crazy. I didn't say anything. I didn't want to set things off again. God, it was really hard though.

When I came home and saw Don though, he didn't really want to do anything either. He was either busy researching or doing some work. I wasn't even sure where they had gone, but they certainly left me behind.

I let it go on for a few days like that, until I was just done with it. I was done with them both. I was done with the way they were treating me and how this was coming out. I was not someone they could idly toss away like a gum wrapper. I knew that I would have to do something drastic with each of them. Jon was fairly easy. I would just not go to work. Don was a little harder to plan for because I had never really wanted to get his attention this badly. I didn't know what worked on him. I would have to find it.

So on Friday, I didn't go into work. Donovan looked a little confused when he left for work. He didn't ask but he knew something was up.

My normal time for being at Jon's came and went. He called and I didn't answer. This was the way things had to be, I told myself. You have to keep up this or he won't get it. He facebooked and I deleted the messages. He DMed on twitter and I didn't bother. I had to cut him off from everything. Eventually he would come around. He stopped everything for awhile. I could tell he was trying to work without me. It lasted than it normally did, but that wasn't really surprising to me. He had built up some tolerance for being on his own but he would come around.

I did other things while he tried to work. I watched television. I cooked lunch for myself. I put my hair up. I looked up actors. Anything to not give into the urge to go to him. It was always like this. It was a battle but I would do it. I would do it.

At about Four in the Afternoon, my doorbell rang. I fluffed up the pillows and arranged them perfectly and let it wait for a minute.

The ringing became more incessant and I smiled. I went over and opened the door and he just walked on in. I had won. I had won. He was over here. He couldn't stand it. “What the hell is wrong?” He asked, a little angry but I tried not to let it hurt. I knew it was for the best. I knew that this was what he needed. He only yelled and he was only angry because he cared about me.

“What's wrong? You mean beside you and Don completely acting like I'm not even here? Besides that there's nothing wrong.” I told him.

He looked hurt. “I don't do that.” He admonished.

“Yes, you do, Jon. You were so distracted with your phone yesterday that you didn't even care what I had to say. I know because during that time you promised to take me and Don to the eiffel tower.” I told him.

“What?” He asked.

I shook my head, “That's exactly my point. You didn't even care. I need to be able to give myself over to you and if you're not going to listen to me, I'm not going to come to work. You knew that this was coming.” I told him.

“What happened with you and Don?” He asked.

I didn't want to talk about that with him, not right now, “Babe, I love you, I want you to know that, but Don and I right now is something completely different than me and you. And right now, I'm dealing with you, so we're not talking about it.”

“Look, I'm sorry for the phone thing, I'll try to stop.” He said.

That made me angry. He wasn't even going to give me a straight answer. “Look, this isn't about trying this, is about actually stopping. Who were you texting or whatever anyway?” I asked.

He looked like he might lie to me for a minute. I didn't even want to hear that kind of thing, “Look, Jill, it's not that simple.”

“How is it not that simple? I asked you a simple question. Who are you texting that's taking time away from our work time? That's a simple question with a simple answer.” Why couldn't he even tell me what I wanted to know. Why couldn't we get to the bottom of this? That's all I wanted. So we could work together in awesome harmony together again.

“I can't tell you. You'll get mad.” He said.

“I'm more mad that you won't tell me than whoever it could possibly be. So why don't you just spit it out?”

“Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you.”

“Fine.”

He looked at me like he still wasn't sure. God, this killed. I wasn't even sure I could handle it, “I've been texting Jayne. She's really nervous and she likes having someone she can talk to. She's just been hard on her luck lately, Jill.”

I just sat there and blinked at him. He wasn't telling me something. And it was killing our relationship. That phone and Jayne and all of it was killing our relationship. “It's not just that she's nervous.” I told him. I didn't even ask.

“No, technically not.”

I was furious and up to my eyeballs in the “technically” crap from everyone. I was done with it.

“Just cut the crap, tell me the truth Jon. You know as well as I do, I'm not dumb and I know something is going with you” I shouted.

“I'm sleeping with her. We're dating.” He said. It was like a slap in the face.

“Get out.”

“What?” he asked. He didn't even know what was happening.

“You heard me. Get. Out.” I didn't even look at him.

“You've got to be kidding me Jill,” He said. I didn't even want him in here. I wanted him gone. I wanted to cry. I wanted him to just understand that this was a lot to go through right now.

“You can't even telling me that you're dating her before you ignore me. Get. Out. Of. My. House.” I said as a lone tear streamed down my face. It couldn't even wait.

“Jill,” He said and he tried to make it up. I couldn't even take it.

“Go. Away.”

I never understood what people meant about being heartbroken until that day. Donovan didn't come home until late and I was wrapped up in our comforter, tear tracks stained on my face, eyes red and puffy, and he didn't say anything.

That was when he started figuring things out. Something was wrong.

I didn't even want to get out of bed the next day. I didn't want to go to work. So I didn't. Donovan brought me coffee. I didn't drink it. I didn't do anything. I just kind of stayed there in my caccoon and cried and ate a little bit.

He didn't call, didn't text, didn't facebook, didn't twitter, didn't email, didn't come over.

Part of me was upset with how pathetic this looked, but I hurt and I couldn't even find the will to get very far. I got my computer and started writing again. I did what I had to do. I kept emails short and impersonal when sending them to Jonathan. He did the same. We were detached from each other. We didn't even look like we cared.

Thoughts on Resolutions

2012-06-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

Hi darlings,
It's me again. I know, I haven't been keeping very good track of what I'm doing and I'm genuinely sorry for that. Now, I will try to update you guys at least once a week with the various comings and goings of my week.

I've realized very recently...like today recently, that I'm very nearly done with my new year's resolutions. I had three very specific ones and they're all very close to me. I wanted to read more, so I set myself the challenge of 15 books for the year. That way I wouldn't be too burdened during the school months and stress myself out more but I was actively seeking books to read and finding myself in a good place. I think I'm about three off that score. I'm about a fourth of the way through another book and have a couple rereads that I want to go through. So all in all, that should be done by the time I go back into school in the fall.

The next goal I set for myself is to write a novel this year. Well, that looks like it is rapidly approaching completion because I've started Camp NaNoWriMo. I'm now about 42K words into the whole thing and about 21K into my actual NaNoWriMo part of that. Which means I'm about half way done with nano part. This makes me super excited because seriously, it took me the first twenty years of my life to write a full length novel and now I've almost written two of them. That's a freaking craziness. By the time I reach twenty one, I could have written almost three novels. That just totally blows my mind away. It makes me so proud.

The other one I haven't really done is getting through all of the vlogbrothers videos and make Nerdfighter Challenge videos on it. Even then, I got through the first year which was probably a very good chunk of them. About 200 or so videos. So I'm pretty happy about all that.

The thing about all of these things is that I would have never gotten them done any other year. I never would have had the willpower. Being in college made me different yes, but more than that, meeting these people, these internet people, who inspire me everyday to do better has helped me so much. It makes me want to be a better person. It makes me want to achieve my dreams. And I'm so proud of that. People give the internet a pretty bad kind of name, but I love it so much. I love the people I get to see everyday because of this great technology.

So since it's June and it's the halfway point in the year, how do you think you are doing on your new year's resolutions? any outstanding progress? if so, what's it attributed to? and if not, why do you think that is? I mean it's a marathon, that's true but sometimes it feels so good just to get that sprint out of the way, that you don't know what it was like just going so slowly. You want to feel that floating sensation everyday.

DFTBA darlings,
Nina x

It's Been Awhile

2012-05-30T19:02:00.000-07:00

It's been more than a week and I'm sorry for that. I will try to keep a bit better tabs on this thing. But let's talk about this week and why I've been a bit too busy to entertain you. The main reason is that I contracted the tiny chickens disease.

For those of you who are not nerdfighters, that means I came down with a cold. What happened was kind of like this. Day one: Bad Headaches. Day Two: Bad headaches and appetite kind of out of wonk. Day Three: Snot and Crap. Day Four: Oh my god, please let me die, because this is just horrible. So yeah, I have been sick now for about a week and things are finally starting to turn up. There's no headaches. Finally, there's starting to be less snot and stuff, but the chickens seem to be evacuating my nasal cavity so that is all good.

The other things are that I like to be extremely loud when I type so on Sunday on the worst of me being sick, we (meaning me, my three younger siblings, and our five dogs) were relegated to the upstairs and had to be super effing quiet because my mother was filming in our downstairs which was more or less a nightmare for me. So typing was basically, in my room, trying to be as quiet as I possibly could while being sick and kind of just hating life in general.

On monday, I went to go babysit some kids and just didn't think to blog. Probably wouldn't have been that interesting anyway.

But I have also finished another book to add to the Books I've read collection page, so I'm glad to have done that. I read Maureen Johnson's "13 Little Blue Envelopes" and it was FANTASTIC. It was an easy read. I started it on Monday and finished it today but I really only read in chunks of like one or two hours.   So that was nice. It was really super quick and something I would recommend to a few people.   Because it was like being on an adventure without having to pay for it.

Oh, I've also written words. I don't know if I told you last time how many words I was at, but currently I'm at 18K, almost 19K and so it's going along smoothly. Once I finish it, I will tell you what it's about but the crazy thing about my brain is that I don't like to tell anyone. I keep the goal inside or else I'll never do it.   And so I thank you guys for your patience, but it's gonna be here I promise.

Video blogging is a thing I should get back to. I haven't done it in awhile and that's something I want to do again. I wasn't going to do it while I was sick and there was a couple of other things that were just affecting a lot of stuff. But I'm back on being on the road to completing things.   Hopefully, you'll see me soon.

DFTBA Darlings,
Nina x

Finished the Book!

2012-05-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

For the first time ever, I have FINISHED the book "Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West" and I have to say that I liked it. This would have been a book that had someone told me kind offhandedly about one thing that happens at the very end of the book to a relatively uneventful character that you don't meet until the last fourth of the book, I wouldn't have read it. Why you ask? Because that character is a dog and it dies. Having five dogs of my very own and already having lost one, I'm very big on my pups, but it isn't even because of that. It's because I have this thing where I can't handle an innocent dying. Like I just can't handle it.

And I mean this could be construed as I'm a pro-life stance in politics, but no. Sorry to those you who think I think that. I'm pro-choice. I would rather you get rid of your child before it experiences any pain or suffering if you are not ready in any way. But no, the killing of an innocent upsets because they don't know what they did or why they are dying. They don't know how to come to that conclusion and it's really just something that's emotionally stressful. Like if [enter serial crime drama here], the killer kills the dog or cat before taking out the human or I see that. I cannot watch that episode. Like the worst thing a killer could do to me is hurt my pets and hurt my animals because they are innocent.

And I mean like I can get behind some pretty gruesome murders when it comes to adults because I can sort of kind of justify that they did something or knew something that changed their life forever and they got to experience most of what life had to offer. They also knew what the world was like. They knew the world was a bitch and cold an indifferent. You could murder a whole bus full of adults and it still wouldn't have the same emotional impact on me than killing one dog or cat or one child. It just wouldn't.

But yes, other than that small detail which turned into a very long talk, I think it was a good book. I liked it a lot. I enjoyed reading. It was broken up into chunks big enough to be interesting and short enough to be manageable from day to day things. I mean the pacing could have picked up. I think that was one of the issues of why I had picked up this book so many times and failed to finish all the way through until today. The characters also could have had a little more interaction or made me care about them a little more. I just for most of the character I didn't care if they lived or died which presented kind of a moral dilemna with some characters because you're supposed to care and you're supposed to have these big moments about their death when you don't care enough about it.

But yeah, overall a good book. I think that I would recommend it to a few people, but definitely not most people. Just because it takes a while to get into it and for most people that just won't work.

Writing and Design.

2012-05-19T16:59:00.000-07:00

With all the craziness of school and a couple of other things, I've neglected my poor little blog and I'm sorry for that. My dad is leaving tomorrow and I've already had the pangs because I know he's going to leave.   And that kind precognition does not make things easier.   As I've grown up and understood more of the fatality around the world, it gets scarier to let him go without a swell of emotion.   But this isn't entirely about that.   This is about being in a place where I can write again.

I'm writing what could concievably become a book.   I've written about 6K in words and I'm very excited for this.   Because it means I'm writing again. And it doesn't mean it's great, but I just want to get back into it. I want to say this first and foremost, my books don't particularly mention race, so they could be given to the mind's eye as whatever color the reader feels comfortable with, but in my mind, I've always seen them as white. It's not because I don't like other races, it's just that's what I'm most comfortable with.

I feel like if, hypothetically, I were really rich and famous from my books and I were to come out and say that even though my books do not portray skin color as a defining factor of that I might be ostracized because I don't care.   I mean the color of the person on the book doesn't really matter to me so much as the people inside the book.   And I tend to get books that have less of a person on them and more with an abstract design that totally represents some part of the book. It's not that I don't like books with people on the covers, because that's not true, but it's just something I've been thinking about.

Because I eventually want my books to go into print and I want them to be accessible to all readers, not just the ones who pick it up because they like the person on the front of the book.   That's silly. I don't like to do it that way.   But I'll be updating you guys on how this is going and hopefully it will become something wonderful.

Let's just say that if I could finish two novels this year, I would be extremely happy. I would be over the moon.   That would just be so incredible.   I've always wanted to do this. I've always wanted to be a novelist, but up until recently, I've never found that I could complete them.   Maybe this has started a new chapter in my life and if it has, I'm incredibly excited to see where it leads because this is just as much of a mystery to me as it is to you.   Thanks for being with me.   Thanks for taking the time and knowing I had to relax. I'll always come back to you guys though. I always do.

Beda: Day 30: Thoughts from the end.

2012-04-30T21:14:00.000-07:00

So this is the last Blog in a row for BEDA but there's a lot going on.   I want to do a lot and this blog was certainly one of the best things that I've done in a long time. Doing a bunch of creative projects at the same time, while having to deal with pesky things like finals and family.

Still in the place that I've been put in, I can't say I'm not glad to have it be done with the whole thing. I mean I've been having some trouble keeping up with the whole thing.   I want to just sleep and relax a little and while not doing the blog for a couple of days might let me do that, it's more about the fact that I'm going to be done very soon with the finals and things.

It is really nice having this blog though to record my voice and thoughts.   It'll be nice to get back to it eventually.   Hopefully, it won't be too long before I get back to it.   Because enjoyment is the spice of life and I'm getting it from doing this.   Even just typing the words on the keyboard gives me some joy.

I haven't been especially creative this month in anything else other than vlogging and blogging and doing the photo, but I'm doing it.   I'm figuring it out and I think that's all I can ask for.   Just to have it work out.

I hope anyone out there reading this is doing well.   Keep it going and show some love to someone you think could use it.   Because who knows, you could very well make that person's and it's something beautiful.

Living is something that's hard enough, but when we get bogged down with all the crap, it's very hard to see the great things staring us in the face.   And while I'm in that place bogged down with all the crap, it's getting easier to see through the fog.   Being tough is not necessarily my way of life, but it is something I try to do whenever I can.

Beda: Day 29: sleeeepy.

2012-04-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

It's one of the last days of April which means VEDA, BEDA, and PADA are coming to a close and I'm feeling wistful but at the same time like not wanting it to be over.   Still, I've got a couple of things planned for the future.

This is not the last you'll see of me. I promise you.   I'll be doing daily videos everyday for the most part and when I don't I will try to get in a blog post.   I'll also try to get more photos and put them up on the Photo Life Nina because it's awesome.

For now, I need some sleep, so I'm going to bed.   Hopefully after finals you will get better, more quality posts after this whole shindig.

Beda: Day 28: Seeing Sissy.

2012-04-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

I loved Today.   Today was a good day in so many ways.

The biggest being that I got to see my sister.   My sister who is in AIT and can't stay over for a weekend likes to hand out with us still and I'm just lucky to have her.   She likes to do things with me and it was just glorious.   Due to respect to her, I didn't film anything in the day, but it was so cool.

We got lunch, did some shopping, went to get coldstone, did some more shopping and then came back home and ate dinner and watched a bit of TV together.   Sounds like a freaking awesome day I know.   You wish you were living my life.

But in all seriousness, that was probably one of the first times that I've been out of the house for something that wasn't school related in a long time.   and i'm just so stinking glad I got out of the house.   it was one of those things, like cleaning, that I had been putting off for a long time and finally did and realized how much easier life would have been if I had done that a whole lot sooner.   All reinvorgorated and stuff.

So yeah, that was my day and now after walking around so much my leg hurts and I'm tired but I wouldn't change it for the world.   Because it's what I wanted and what Needed.   Anyone telling me otherwise is wrong.

Beda: Day 27: Nothing. I got nothing.

2012-04-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

God, I'm tired but I swear on my life I'm getting these things out everyday. I'm not really gonna post anything special. In fact, only a couple of lines of text and I'm about done. Early on in the evening I drank something I knew would make me sleeping before editing, it's not BEDA's fault or VEDA's fault for doing that, it's mine. But honestly, nothing happened today but that I had a bunch of brats in my face because people send me their kids for an hour. I don't like kids. At all.

Beda: Day 26: Keeping up.

2012-04-27T04:56:00.000-07:00

Coffee in bed is wonderful. Especially when you have only the nightstand light on, it's like starring in a film that's written about you.   The weird and strange you that people find quirky but loveable and while Coffee is certainly a great goddess in my life, she's not the thing I want to talk about, those she does make me look quite film-ly.

Today, I thought would be good for some introspection on how we've been doing. Now, other than that mishap this week of essentially falling asleep while I was doing 80 million things and forgetting to post, I've done this everyday for 26 days.    That's pretty amazing.   Honestly, it's what I wanted from this blog.   I wanted it to be a daily thing full of love like this.   With weird little dabbles of what I've been up too and funny stories from me.   That's what I wanted.   I wanted something that my kids could say mommy was crazy or mommy had some strange antics and opinions. This is something I've wanted.

I've also been trying to be good about doing them at consistent times with sometimes changing it up a little bit because some creative challenges are good for the soul.

But yeah, we're keeping it up because we're cool kids like that.    I never thought that this dream would become a reality. a place where I can live my thoughts and memories behind and then getting into theatre and fillm is just brilliant and there are so many things to do.   I mean there were so many people that I want to please but there are also so many people that I don't give a fuck about it.   But this is for everyone.   This is who I am and who I want to be.   The crossrads seems a definite choice right now that's a not a very hard choice to choose from

Beda: Day 25: Creative Chaos.

2012-04-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

You know, there's something that feels so right about being in a clean room.

I'm not saying that for no purpose.   Good news on the productivity front, I cleaned my room today and god it feels so good to be in a clean room rather than one that has everything everywhere.   I mean I like all the stuff being in the room but sometimes you have to get some of the stuff out of your life.   I don't care who you are. It's just part of life and growing up.   Sometimes, the best way to detox is to throw stuff away.   My 13 year old self would not believe I would be giving myself this advice, but it's true 13 year old me.   We're throwing stuff away and you're going to like it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my creative chaos as much as the next person and it's all very nice to have that freedom of putting things anywhere, but sometimes you just need to contain it to boxes.   And really I guess that was all I was really looking for. Because I mean things were getting everywhere and I just I couldn't think with all the things thinking at once and being like "Hey, we need lives too.   You're gonna pay attention to us right?"

On the list of successful things I've done today, that has not been the only thing though. I got a photo done. And I got my dance paper turned in.   Not sure if the paper made any sense or I just repeated the one sentence in different words a bunch of times, but who know?   I don't even care.   I'm just gonna be superfly right now and just be like "fuck it, I get what I get" I know that's not a great attitude to have towards classwork, but it's been a long semester and I just want to finish.   I however, have not, started on my makeup morgue which I actually need to get cracking on.   So I suppose tomorrow when I have free time I should do that.

For right now, I'm going to count the little things.   I've been very good about getting stuff done on time and when it needed to be turned in.   So I have confidence in myself that I'll do it this time too.   Just can't worry.

Seriously, being in a clean room makes me really relaxed and it didn't even take that long. Only a couple of hours and most of that was sorting through some of the junk that I was like, um, I should probably throw this out already and I already have that file stored on my computer, I can junk it. But hey, sometimes you just got to think about those moments.

Hope everyone had a great day and I wish you all the best for tomorrow.

Beda: Day 24: Successes.

2012-04-24T20:56:00.000-07:00

There were lots of successes today.   School work while not being especially kind to me, does provide me with that key motivation toward success.    Even in creative projects like this one, probably most especially in creative projects like this one because I get so inspired when I have to do something else that I don't want to do, that I can't help but come and write at my computer for hours, in the name of career and art.

But today in English we took a citizenship test which I knew I could past most of it. I knew I knew most of the answers and even with just these thirty questions, there was a good sampling of easy and hard questions, but evne hearing some of my class mates try to declare that there were 52 states today just made me weep a little bit.   These are all people registered with the state to go to college, so they are all residents and they don't know how many freaking states there are.   I mean above all other things at least know how many freaking states there are.   Have a little dignity.

Then there was acting where I got to act like a mean southern lady which never ceases to be of enjoyment.   It was just something to be marveled at.   I think we pulled it off rahter well, especially being one of the first female couples to go on.

And then it was home to do my dance paper and that took for freaking ever. Partially because it took forever to even work up the motivation to get to it and then I had to be looking for little plug in points and it just wasn't fun.   I mean eventually it got finished, but dear god the whole thing is a meshugunah.   And yes, I probably partially mad that word up, but you know what? Don't care.   Not my problem.   So yes, that's done though and it's so fantastic.   Especially for getting some of these assingments on Monday, I think I did reasonably in coping with the pressures of everything.

But overall, very kind of calm day, there were just a lot of assignments that I did not find highly amusing and you know what? I'm in college and these things happen, but I just need to remember to take a deep breath and just float alone like the wonderful butterfly that I am.

Hope you guys thoroughly enjoyed your night and are going to have a good morning because seriously, I need to bed right now.   And this is goodbye.

Bye x,
Love you.

Beda: Day 23: Failure.

2012-04-24T03:16:00.000-07:00

So yes, technically I failed for Day 23 but I was really busy with other things like writing upwards of four papers during the day, creating two video blogs, and still not picking out two of my three monologues I have to do. I'm sorry, things got in the way and I got so tired I forgot about BEDA, but it won't happen again. I'm actually really proud of myself up till this point. I've only missed one day on both BEDA and PADA and I'm still even going back and making it up to myself because I need the consolation of thirty.

Beda: Day 22: Video Editing.

2012-04-22T18:08:00.003-07:00

Well today was interesting.   I filmed a video at two thirtyish and didn't really want to edit.    And for me that's kind of an alarming sign.   Because I like editing videos. I'm not very good at it. I'm quite frankly, probably terrible at editing, but I do like do it. I like having that time with a video to make it good.   And Not wanting to make it good and not even caring to edit, means I'm not that interested in the raw materials which is worrisome.

Honestly, I didn't want to edit that video because I didn't like it. I had no passion for it. It didn't have my voice.   There was nothing really said in it.   That's a problem.   I did however, watch some YouTube videos by people I really like and one of my friends posted how she didn't feel like her video self the past couple of days.   And that inspired my video.   My video was taking my two lives and kind of conceding that I had them.   It's not that I never talked about my personal life on a video, it's just that there was the weird in between space that I was slipping into.

And out of that, even though I had to distort the color and find ways to make it look better, where you could see my whole face, I really enjoyed the video.   Maybe it wasn't the best sound or video editing, but I did like the video and that's really important to me.   I want to put out products that I like and I want to keep watching again and again.   And in those moments in that video I was very real. I was the person that I wanted to be.

So the video was a success.   In other news, I haven't done any editing of the novel today. I should probably edit chapter 3 before bed.    I'm going to do that.   Editing the book is a treat even if it is abnormally long to do so.   I just think there's so much potential for this book to go places.   I don't know if there is another book on the market like it, but I love it.   I love it. I love that I spent so much time writing it.   And even then, to most people thirty days is nothing. To me that's a commitment that I don't take lightly in the slightest.   And I like month long challenges. It makes it easier to manage.   I can tick off days.

I mean look at what we've done here.   Blogs this month make up over half of this blog and I'm proud of that. I don't know if I'll keep up daily blogging, but I'm certainly going to try. This is freeing and this is also part of who I am.   I'm a writer through and through and if I didn't write how my day went everyday, where would I be? I don't know, but I certainly love doing it.

And with that, I think I'm going to go. I still have another page of a paper I have to write as well as getting some sources down.   Don't worry though, I'll be back tomorrow and you'll have a grand ol' time.   Go put on some music and dance.

Beda: Day 21: My Editing Process.

2012-04-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

I never knew how exactly hard yet easy it was going to be to edit a novel. I mean I've written things before and reworked them and gone back and cringed at old work I had sitting on the internet, but revising this is an entirely new ballgame.

First of all, it's not something I can just do on my computer. I actually had to print it out so it was easier to read and see what changes I wanted to make.   Mostly because if I don't agree with these changes later, I don't have to make them and I can throw the draft out.   And by throw out, I do mean recycle because that would a lot of paper to just waste on putting in the wrong bin.   Seriously this manuscript is over 60 pages.

It's easy in the fact that this doesn't really feel like my work. I can critique at a distance and put the much needed edits into it.   Which is something I never thought I would be able to do.   I'm typically more assured in my work than that and it's often not till several years later when I'm bored and decided to have a read at some of my old work that I realize how much I could have used an edit button.   I truly mean that.   But no, that part is actually going remarkably great.   I'm also not at that point where everything is total crap, like writers often go through. I just I have the distance and that's what I needed.

It's hard in the fact that it is very technically time consuming. I often have to read paragraphs or sentences over again because I'm not sure how they feel.   I have to mull them around.   And that's a little bit frustrating.   As someone who virtually has a judgment on something the second she is presented with it, this mulling process is fairly long and laborious.   And that maddens me a little bit.   For the past two days I've been editing on and off and I've only gotten through 8 pages.   Not even 8.   Like 7 and 3/4.   And that was only the first two chapters.   There are at least like 20 Chapters in the whole thing.   I don't exactly remember.

This manuscript has all the words I wrote and I'll always be incredibly proud of that, but I'm really glad I'm taking this time to make it better.   To see what else to do with it. And I think this is making me a better writer. I can see what works for me and what doesn't. And no, I'ven't finshed the novel for this year. It's still on my list of things to do, but I work best under pressure and I wrote this novel in November, maybe I'll write all my novels via NaNoWriMo.

Maybe in November when NaNoWriMo comes around I'll have to blog about how well things are going without giving any details away because then I'm never motivated to finish.   And I'm determined to write a novel this year.   Again.   Because I like writing.   And While I love doing blogposts, my heart is with the fiction.

Beda: Day 20: Sympathy.

2012-04-20T21:13:00.003-07:00

Getting to see my sister this month is a treat. We only really get to see her on weekends because that's when she's allowed off post and there's usually food of some kind involved.   Seriously, I don't know what it is about family and food but they just go together so perfectly and yes, that includes crazy sisters that when you were younger you wished you didn't have.

But I do get sympathetically sick fairly easily and one of the things my sister was talking about was getting a stomache at dinner and that was all fine and good and then guess what? I got one and it was not all good anymore. It was not good at all. But these are the little moments.   And even with getting my stomach ache it's still not worse than what she has to, plus several other things. So I'm feeling lucky and counting my blessings, who knew that making these time could be your best time.

Atleast so far, from what I've hear, being an adult is pretty cool and maybe I'll try it out one day.   Who knows? Right now I'm just having with my inner kid.   Bye Guys and I'll see you guyes tomorrow.

Beda: Day 19: The Problem With Person X.

2012-04-19T06:31:00.000-07:00

It's early in the morning and we need to talk.   This is something that I would never put on the video blog because this is for the people who really want a deeper perspective on me and this is not something I would really ever share on my video blog. I've had someone very recently come up, I won't tell you their relation to me or call them by their name because who knows who could be reading this out there, so for now, I want to tell you about person X.   Person X has been in my life for a long time but never really a part of it.

My problem with Person X is that they don't really seem to care about me.   They don't seem to care about my feelings or interests and due to the somewhat forced bond we have, it's hard to just cut X out of my life completely.   That's what I want to do though.   This person has made no effort to understand who I am as a person.   X doesn't care if they hurt my family members with the way they use their words. And they just generally have no idea with what's going on in my life.

Normally, if this was anyone else, I wouldn't care.   X, it would seem, is different because they can make the people around me feel inadequate and I'm just I want to be done with it.   We're never going to have the relationship that we should and so I should just be able to drop it, shouldn't I? I mean there's nothing wrong with people who don't want to be friends and/or family to me.   I'm cool with that. I don't have to have everyone like me.   What seems to be the problem is that I'm kind of bowing to social pressure by having this relationship with Person X in the first place.

In an ideal world, I could tell Person X to fuck off with their bullshit, that I live my life they way I want to and if they disapprove then they can go marry a squirrel for all I care. I know that would hurt a lot more people than just Person X though.   Because unfortunately, by doing that, I open up the possibility that they go after someone else that I deeply care about and I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of hiding but I'm also tired of the fake faces.   Just tell me who you are.   I don't want to guess. I'm not an audience member and this is not some high art play about the importance of beauty.   This is real life and it shouldn't be as complicated.

I guess the moral of this story is that being an adult blows.   Especially when you realize you can't just tell the bully in your life to go blow some hot air out their ass.   Person X has ceased being important in my life and if they don't want to be their for the defining moments, I don't care.   I have plenty of family and friends who love me just the way I am and couldn't be happier to be at the moments that will make my lifetime up. Person X, don't be surprised when you're not invited to my awesome wedding.   If you don't accept me now, you'll never accept me when I'm married to a great man or woman of my choosing.   Have a nice life.

It feels good to say it.   If only for a second and with vague details surrounding it.   I'm me and that's all I'll ever hope to be.

Beda: Day 18: An Inspirational Quote.

2012-04-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm going to make this one kind of quick, not that I don't love the blog, it's just that I've got like four other things to do and right now, I don't really have anything interesting to say.

Basically, I wrote my paper which I need to get from my paper and I need to go get a shower and do the picture for today, and that will take some incredible time. So for these reasons, I think I will impart on you, at least for now at this very juncture, a quote from a great person on twitter.

"You came from a woman, so you have no right to disrespect one." -- AyyLucky

Now, I will tell you that this quote is incredible because it came from a dude. I mean I love dudes. I find them hilarious, but seriously? That's freaking amazing. And it wasn't a retweet, that was all him and just it blows my mind whenever people do something like this, that restores a little faith in humanity. Because there are people out there who know what's right and will keep fighting for it, even if it's not going to benefit them in any way!

Beda: Day 17: Watching Stuff.

2012-04-17T18:41:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting day. I'm trying not to like go to my instant start out for the blog which I notice I do quite a lot last night.   I was scrolling through and was like "Wow, I use the same phrase or a small deviation quite often."   So I'm trying to curb that thing, but yeah. In the realm of Nina news, today was kind of a boring day.   You guys won't get much in the way of like super input on this one, but today I did watch a fantastic movie.

I'd been meaning to see it for awhile and today I just had the time, so I did it. I watched Closer.   This is a movie, I distinctly remember watching when I was younger than I am.   We've had it for several years.   And when I was younger and definitely more of an unfocused mind, I didn't find it that interesting.   I didn't really get the concept. I was also too young to really understand like the severity of some of the things that happened in the movie.   I really enjoyed it though. I mean it's a cautionary tale for anyone who thinks that there is the perfect romance out there, but it's good. It raises some interesting questions about how humans especially now, with the internet, deal with love and sex.

And then there is the wonderful beauty that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 3 because it makes me feel better. I had kind of a shite day with the partner sitch and Faith in season three just makes me feel way more five by five.    I mean she just makes feel a lot less violent because I get to be violent through her.   Does that make any sense?   I don't really know.   But yeah, she's awesome and she's totally one of my favorite characters of all time. She's also portrayed by Eliza Dushku and I'm pretty sure Eliza as Faith was the first person I'm pretty sure I ever had sexual feelings for. Not weird, just a thing.

So yes, I've pretty much had a really lazy day and you know what? I'm kind of okay with that because tomorrow is going to be an interesting day.   I live for these kinds of weeks when I can alternate the crazy intense days with the lazy days because then I have a chance to relax.   I have a chance to regenerate.   Hopefully you'll forgive me for this kind of strange little blog today.   This was kind of an indulgent one for me, but I'm trying not to talk about the same things in the vlogs and I say a lot in the vlogs.

Beda: Day 16: A Rage Within?

2012-04-16T19:56:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I've changed my background.   And to be quite honest, I'm not sure if I'm happy with it. I mean I like the color of it, but I don't know, maybe it's the pattern or how there is not a lot of color in it, that's not agreeing with me. But I'm not totally in favor of it.   But I did want something that was new and different and for now, that seems to be circles.   Tell me if you hate it, please? Because if you hate it then I'll change it right away, but for right now, I guess it can stay.   Maybe I'll get used to it and like it for awhile.   I'll give it about till day 20 in BEDA and if I'm still not impressed then we're going to be changing, how about that?

So today, I got to play with clay which is one of the most thrilling experiences I've had in College.   Like I've met a lot of cool people and learned a lot of really neat things but really, none of that comes with the thrill factor of getting to work with some clay.   I mean I just love it.   I find it to be really relaxing and soothing and knowing what i'm doing is always a plus. That's always fun.   I really enjoy that part.

Mondays and Wednesdays are my very artistic days.   I go from Stage Makeup to Dance class which I currently just kind of watch, because of my bummed out leg, and then I go to Anthropology in which we are doing a facial reconstruction which starts out very artistically.   And so I do enjoy that part of my week.   It's very fulfilling to sit there and go to class and just have my mind exploded with all of this art. Because ultimately that's what I want to do with my life is to create some kind of art.   I've said it before but it really can't be overstated. I want to come out of somewhere and go that's what I want to do everyday and that's never happened if it hasn't been for my art.

Tomorrow I have to wear a skirt or a dress.   I'm still debating. I was supposed to decide tonight but obviously that didn't happen.   I wish it had, but I can't exactly beg for anything.   Still, I just hope my partner knows her lines and everything goes smoothly.   Seriously, I might get violent if it doesn't because I worked really hard on this scene for it to be wasted by another person.   That's just not going to happen.   I won't let it.   I refuse to let someone sink my ship.   And maybe she had a good reason for bailing on me, but I can't really ever see that when she had more than enough oppurtunities to schedule with me, but didn't.   And yes, I was a little bit of a bitch and didn't answer her text today, but I was legitimately in class and that's exactly what I'm going to tell her tomorrow.   She doesn't like, she can suck it.

Oh and this was nearly late, because I almost forgot about it, but hey it's all good now right? Because I got to you guys and you guys got a nice long slightly rant-y diatribe about what's happening in my life.   Sorry bout that. Maybe it'll be different tomorrow.

Beda: Day 15: Philosophical Musings.

2012-04-15T19:20:00.002-07:00

So today for everything I've done, I have little to show for it.   And I guess I'm being honest with you guys, that's nice.   That's a good thing.   We've got this anything goes honesty policy here.   I've been a lot more candid in writing stuff than I ever have been on the video blog. Mainly because I express really well through writing. I know that I can piss people off even if it isn't my intent in writing and I think that's oddly freeing.   Like I'm so worried about how people perceive me on the video blogs and I take like constant recognition of the numbers, but here it's less of that. I'm more open and more to the point, I don't really care.

You'd think because of my background and everything that it's pretty much sunshine and roses through my life, but it's not and I accept that as fact. I accept that as something that happens in my life.   I find that kind of comforting as well.   But I love bright colors and I love fun fonts and that is something that makes me happy.    So if it makes someone else happy even for just a split second and reading my accounts of my day connect with someone than this really has done it's job.   And that's a good thing.   I feel a lot more that I don't have to have a lot of stress.    This serves a better ratio of pleasure to words ratio.

In other news that isn't strange and philosophical, I found a great song.   Like freaking fantastic. It's beautiful and intensely creepy but it's something that I enjoy so much, so I'm going to share it with you.   This is from the guys who made Repo! The Genetic Opera, so you have something to compare it to and if you haven't seen that then you need to get yourself down to a video store and rent it sir or ma'am.

I mean isn't it fantastic? It's so delightfully creepy. I can't wait to see if they make this one into a movie like Repo! and if they do I'm going to go see it. Because it's soo good. And Terrance Zdunich is so gorgeous in makeup. Seriously, he's fairly normally looking without it but god, when he has the makeup on, he instantly has hot factor.

Beda: Day 14: Pottermore and Libraries.

2012-04-14T20:33:00.000-07:00

Today had some exciting moments in it.   I mean I know it's Saturday and I stayed at home all day but no, it was actually really cool.   I had a really good time.   The main thing being I'm still on track for all of my April Challenges. I'm still doing really well and that's great. I get these feelings and it's good stuff. It's high energy and it's the works.   And I want to finish. Like it's seemed like even though I'm doing all of these projects at the same time that April has kind of stretched out and decided to lounge a little bit, which is nice, but also a little bit distressing.

But onto the first good thing that happened today, and that is that Pottermore opened. I mean I've been excited about Pottermore ever since it was announced. Then it took forever for it to be released to the general public and I was checking the Insider everyday to see what was happening.   But today was the day I could get in and get rolling with it and it was awesome. I signed up and started getting into the first book which was pretty amazing. The first book is the hardest to read even though it's on a very basic reading level because it has to set up so much stuff for the later books. With Pottermore it was actively engaging and I could see where it might not be as boring to read anymore.   So that was definitely a great advantage.

I didn't go far into it, I only finished through about chapter seven which I suppose is a little than half of book one, but still, it was so nice to see the dream finally coming to life.   I said I didn't really care about this part, but I lied. I did care.    I cared a lot about this part and now that I have it, it's wonderful to see what good and new things are coming out of it.

The only kind of bittersweet thing about this is that I couldn't tell my best friend about it the second I got into it because he's at some kind theatre boot camp thing.   But I guess that will make it even more exciting when he comes back.   It's one of those things I'm really excited to share with him.   Because Harry Potter formed a big part of our bond and it's exciting to have this new information to discuss and share with each other and gab about.

And I went on a little bit of a Google Image Search for wallpapers and found plenty of amazing ones. I don't tend to go with anything except really cool designs that are very futuristic, very sci-fi.   I know that I'll even go and put very specific video game titles in the search along with city scape to get the kind of wallpaper I'm looking for. But today was cool libraries and futuristic libraries and boy did I find plenty? I'm just super glad to find that kind of design element to put as my wallpaper because what could express more of my personality? I don't really think anything could.   And so with that I bid good night.   I hope everyone is having a great weekend and I'll see you tomorrow.