NES Nintendo Nerd

Review A Great Game Day: TMNT II: The Arcade Game

2013-04-07T11:43:00.001-05:00

After first hearing about Review A Great Game Day from the wonderful folks at 1MoreCastle.com I thought it would be difficult choosing a game. There were no restrictions for modern or retro, Nintendo or any other platform, just simply review a great game. But when I think of great games I'm quickly led to the NES library, a system with simple controls issuing challenging commands, game plots told through landscape and architecture, colorful sprites dashing and jumping and attacking, a special gray box that was my entry into the world of video gaming. I was sure I'd have to make a tough decision selecting The Legend of Zelda over Metroid or Super Mario Bros. 3 or Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! or Contra. These are my top 5 games on the Nintendo Entertainment System. But the first game that popped in my head was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game, a game I play through every year, and as recently as last Christmas.

Unlike the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game on the NES, a challenging platformer and 1989 Nintendo Power Game of the Year winner, TMNT II is a Foot Clan bashing beat 'em up. As the title suggests, it was ported from the immensely popular arcade game. While the arcade version had crisper graphics, a boss fight against Rocksteady and Bebop, and allowed for four-player co-op, the NES version was limited to two-player co-op, but benefited from expanded levels and two levels were added with new bosses (Tora and Shogun).

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were one of the hottest properties of the late 80's and early 90's. From their humble beginnings as red bandana ninjas in the comics to the shell kicking cartoon and movie series, we were fortunate enough for Konami to acquire the license and develop some of the best video games during the 8 and 16-bit era. I first experienced the arcade version at a video rental store that had a small niche loaded with arcade consoles. I met one of my oldest friends playing this game there, and allowed him to share his birthday money with me to play co-op. I was so excited when I read in Nintendo Power the arcade version was being ported to the NES, I eagerly awaited each new issue for any tidbit or screenshot, and nearly died waiting for the game to arrive in my stocking Christmas morning.

I love beat 'em ups. You get to mindlessly kick ass and face off against larger than life bosses. TMNT II: The Arcade Game exceeded all expectations in every category. Plus, Pizza Hut offered a coupon for a free pizza inside the game box. Needless to say I took a short break from playing the next day to eat my free pizza. My turtle of choice is Michelangelo, because nunchucks are awesome and he was the party dude and lover of pizza. There is really no strategy in turtle selection in the game, since each character has the same attack range with their specific weapon, unlike TMNT III where it is advantageous to choose Donatello or Leonardo because of their long-range attacks. After turtle selection, it is up to you to save April O'Neil in her hot yellow jumpsuit and that dope Splinter (he seems to be more of a liability than an aid in the Turtles adventures) from the vile clutches of the Shredder and the Foot Clan. Along the way, you'll battle it out with Foot Soldiers, Mousers, Missile firing Snow-Men, and a impressive boss list: Bebop, Rocksteady, Baxter Stockman (twice), Tora, Shogun, Granitor, Krang, and Shredder. If you fail the Shredder will dine on turtle soup.

The controls in TMNT II are smoother than Stephon Urquelle, and supply three methods of attack with only two buttons--regular attack, jump kick, and jump-and-slash. The jump-and-slash is performed by pressing B and A nearly simultaneously (press the B button less than half a second after holding A), and eliminates enemies in one hit instead of the two that are needed with the regular attack or jump kick. One way TMNT II separated itself from other beat 'em ups on the NES was how enemies came out of nowhere. The Foot Soldiers weren't just waiting to fight in fixed positions until Michelangelo side-scrolled to the right screen or only came out of nowhere at random from the left or right. The Foot Soldiers burst from background objects like windows and doors, from behind Pizza Hut billboards and sewer manholes, and the back doors of creepy-guy vans. Before TMNT II, backgrounds mostly served the purpose of conveying atmosphere, whether it was a dark or light-hearted game. They were there to be pretty, not interact with gameplay. There was nothing cooler than walking through April's fire-blazing apartment building the first time and be shocked how the Foot Soldiers broke through doors to attack you. One cool note about the first level is if you pause the game the fire will still blaze in the foreground.

There's a great assortment of enemies to fight, most of which are six variants of Foot Soldiers. Each color Foot Soldier has his own unique attack and weapon. My favorites are the ghost-like white and gray ones that jump as high as NBA Jam players and try to strike you down with their katana. The boss battles are a bit repetitive, since the best method to defeat most of them is the jump kick, but there are different strategies on when and where to attack each boss. The only thing I will say about fighting Shredder at the end of the game is it's one of the best end boss battles on the NES.

TMNT II is one of the best looking games on the NES. It may not be as crisp as a Capcom Mega Man game, but Konami did an excellent job capturing the look and spirit of the cartoon series. The Turtles and Foot Soldier sprites are quite large compared to other NES beat 'em ups like Double Dragon and River City Ransom, the bosses are a huge intimidating presence, and very well detailed. Shredder just looks like a straight up bad ass. Each level is unique with its own theme and the cut-scenes between levels was a impressive bonus of animation that I had never believed possible on the NES. The music is borrowed from the cartoon series intro and remixed throughout the game. It never gets stale and helps pace the frenetic action of the game. Catchy upbeat tunes that make you believe you should be eating cereal while kicking ass.

It was easy to select TMNT II: The Arcade Game for the first annual Review A Great Game Day, based purely on the fun factor. There's no grinding or suffering through dull moments to get to the heart and fun of the game. That's why I love beat 'em ups, there's no waiting, you need to start slashing now before Splinter is kidnapped again for being a lazy master ninja or April is taken hostage by Rocksteady because of her awesome yellow jumpsuit. TMNT II plays extremely solid, is visually impressive, an amazing experience for not just fans of beat 'em ups, pizza, and yellow jumpsuits, but all video games.

Retro Funkin' LJN's The Karate Kid

2013-04-04T10:17:00.002-05:00

Is The Karate Kid really that bad?

In my last blog post (which you can find here), I had this to say about The Karate Kid: "give this game a non-licensed title and it's your average hard-ass Data East game." Not long after posting I second-guessed this preposterous statement. Was I insane for suggesting this famously terrible LJN game was anything but poop? Had I forgotten the Typhoon stage with cheap enemies, flying debris, and getting knocked backward with each hit. Or am I just sticking up for the little guy, LJN, everyone's favorite punching bag developer on the NES? I had not played The Karate Kid in about five years, when I bought it at a flea market not long after I was consumed by Retro Gaming, and beat the game within a week. I attributed my narrow victory (I had one health bar left) to pure luck, maybe ten percent skill. After finishing I thought I'd never play it again, and suffer through the many frustrations and abrupt ending to the game with Mr. Miyagi telling me I was now a Martial Arts Master. But I'm older now, not wiser, just old, lazy, and tolerant. So I put Metroid Prime on hold (which wasn't easy to do since I'm a quarter of the way through the game) and began playing The Karate Kid on the NES.

I will not try to say The Karate Kid is a great game, there are flaws, but you get to kick and punch karate jerks. I can only think of one thing more enjoyable: watching the episode of Growing Pains where Mike Seaver has a dirt-bike accident and has to stuff pillows in his sweatpants to soothe his ailing bum. The only thing that really bothers me about this game now is that it doesn't feature a synthesized version of Joe Esposito's song "You're the Best (Around)." I loved this game as a kid and rented the game numerous times from an appliance store that rented movies and games. Why didn't the game frustrate me then? Was I so desensitized from getting my ass kicked from quarter munching arcade games? I believe I was just happy to play any video game I could get my hands on, especially a game based on one of my favorite movies.

The Karate Kid consists of four stages. It begins with a karate tournament where you learn the button actions and take down four easy opponents in one-on-one matches. Stages two through four have light platforming and beat 'em up action, mini games found in dark doorways, and boss fights at the end of the level. Sounds pretty straightforward, right? Learn the controls in tournament play then move from left to right kicking and punching your way to a boss fight. There are also two special moves you can earn to perform on your foes as well: the Drum Punch and Crane Kick. Each can be performed by pressing the A or B button. If you want to save them make sure you use the directional pad when kicking or punching or you will waste them. I don't bother with them, they are not needed to beat this game, and I always seem to use them without intending to. Since I don't conserve my special moves I also avoid the mini games, which allow you to earn additional Drum Punches or Crane Kicks depending on the game. There are three mini games: the Chopsticks Fly Catch, Ice Block Break, and Swinging Hammer, and the only one I've ever earned bonus points and special moves is the Chopsticks one. Apparently these mini-games are not in the game for a fun break in the action, they are here to teach you the ways of Miyagi-do, and become the best around.

It took me four tries to beat The Karate Kid again, and my gaming skills are maybe slightly above average. There were no fits of rage this time through, though. This game can be beaten in about 10-15 minutes, and with minimal controller tossing, face-palming, blasphemous swearing, or proclamations of pseudo-retirements from gaming. I knew what to expect, and I accepted the video game's shortcomings. I love beat 'em ups, and while The Karate Kid doesn't boast the fluid gameplay and graphical marvel of a TMNT game, it was still fun to play and kill fifteen minutes. Here are four tips to enjoy The Karate Kid and beat the game.

1. Don't Play the Mini-Games. You're only here to kick ass and punch flying debris. They are a waste of time and you don't need any extra boosts of power to beat bosses in this game. In fact, you can even bypass the boss in level 3 by climbing the wooden ladder to save the little girl. Reach her and the level is over. It's similar to how you can walk away from the boss fight with Chintai in Double Dragon and advance to the next level by climbing down the ladders.

2. Watch the Joe Esposito video of his song "You're the Best (Around)" on YouTube before you begin playing to get pumped up. You can't beat this game without inspiration. Just like it is dangerous to go alone in Hyrule without a wooden sword, the same can be said about playing this game without rocking out to this classic 80's video montage.

3. Don't Get Consumed By the Dark Side of the Typhoon Stage. Having to jump by pressing Up on the d-pad while the typhoon and enemy hits knock you backward is difficult. If this weren't challenging why would you bother playing. Kick the karate jerks and punch typhoon debris. At some point during your gameplay you will be pinballed by two karate jerks into a corner where there is seemingly no escape. Just remember that nobody puts Baby in a corner, and button mash jump your way out of there. If you die, so what, it's just a video game. Try again.

4. Remember You Are The Best Around. At any given point in this game you will never face more than two enemies on the screen. On the last stage, the karate jerks will now wield spears. Talk about escalating quickly. Stand at the left side of the screen and try to jump over them. They will chase you for nearly the entire stage. Just make sure to keep them on screen and not fall victim to the black hole that was the screen you just left, otherwise new enemies will appear at your right and left. Once you reach the end and face that bastard Chozen, mash the kick button until he falls to his death. Then ready yourself for some awesome 8-bit Miyagi.

LJN's Karate Kid is a lot like the television show Blossom. It's decent, but it's nothing to get a boner about. It's surely not one of the worst movie license games on the NES (I'm looking at you Ghostbusters), and if you can accept the game's challenges (that's my nice way of saying flaws) you'll enjoy this simple beat 'em up platformer.

Every time you beat a level, Tommy makes this face.

What the Glitch!?#@

2013-03-06T10:24:00.002-06:00

You dirty glitch. For two years I had swabbed and scrubbed The Punisher cartridge with rubbing alcohol to no avail. No picture, just a gray screen mocking me, probably calling me a douchebag as well. I tried the Q-tip and rubbing alcohol method at least once a month, usually on a night I'm picking out carts to play for a retro gaming marathon. It was always near the top of the stacks, tempting me to believe, "Hey, this might be the day it works." But I never saw a single credit, a glimpse of the title screen, no splattered pixels or alien-like symbols. Nothing. Then one day with great luck and help from Twitter I finally got the game to play only to be let down shortly after. I wish I could tell you why I didn't just buy another Punisher game. They are fairly common and can be easily found for five bucks or less. Sheer determination to suffer through this broken cart or laziness? I don't care to answer.

I won't blow a cart unless I've had at least five beers, or if the game provides a sweet cheat code like extra lives or continues.

The funny thing is I never intended to buy The Punisher. I was shopping eBay for NES games, saw a box cover shot of Strider and bid, failing to glance at the item name or description. I guess at this point in time my life was too important to waste on such minor details. When the package arrived I ripped open the manilla bubble mailer to find not the game I thought I'd won, but a licensed game with the dreaded LJN logo--The Punisher. During this period my mind had been warped by the hilarious AVGN videos, and I believed all licensed TV and movie games were garbage, especially games made by LJN, even if I had never played them. LJN games may not live up to the high standards set by the movies they're based on, but does not mean they are not at least playable or fun, i.e. Jaws, Back to the Future, Karate Kid (give this game a non-licensed title and it's your average hard-ass Data East game). Once the fury from getting an LJN game instead of Strider subsided, I checked my "items won" history to discover I was an idiot for not reading the auction details and just bidding on a picture. But for a total of five bucks that included shipping, a game's a game, and popped the cart into the control deck. Then the gray screen bitch slapped me.

I recently bought a N64 from a friend on Twitter and initially had trouble getting a few games to play. I immediately went to Twitter seeking advice and Brandon Whaley from dojoretro.com fame suggested using Weiman Glass Cook Top cleaner. It wasn't long before I picked up a bottle and carton of Q-tips. The Weiman Glass Cook Top cleaner worked brilliantly and I was able to play Goldeneye and Rogue Squadron for the first time since college. After playing a few games and growing tired of Natalya not following me and standing around like a goober I started cleaning all my NES carts that had ever given me the least bit of trouble. I had won Baseball in a group lot auction and had never gotten it to work. A quick clean with the Weiman cleaner and a Q-tip and I had it running, only to turn off the game a few innings later because it's Hilary Swank-acting terrible. Plus I couldn't wait to clean The Punisher, a game I had never played. If I could get Baseball to work, surely I would be gunning down thugs as Frank Castle in mere moments.

I spent fifteen mintues cleaning The Punisher cartridge. I had no doubt a game that went to great lengths not to be played by me would rank in the same company as a Metroid or Castlevania-type game (it's possible I sniffed the Weiman cleaner and became delirious). It was like I had to earn the right to play this game. I waited for the pins to dry before popping it into the console. I jiggled the cartridge from side to side. I unplugged the controller, examined it, then plugged it back in the port and made certain it was secure. I pressed Power, the gray screen appeared, and I cursed the game, the TV, the Nintendo, my daughter's Winnie the Pooh doll (don't worry she wasn't around). Once I calmed down I tapped the cartridge gently with my index finger to the left two times and pressed Power. I couldn't believe it, a black credit screen with the Punisher logo instead of grayness, then the LJN logo, a skull rising to the middle of screen as Frank Castle's body is illuminated by machine gun fire, the title screen with ominous music. I was actually going to play this goddamn game.

I eagerly selected the Hitman stage and began play. The Punisher is an auto-scrolling shooter, similar to Lethal Enforcers and T2: The Arcade Game (two of my favorite light gun arcade games), where you gun down baddies and objects to gain power-ups. Frank Castle is visible from the waist up at the bottom of the screen and can move from left to right. The D-pad moves Frank Castle and also acts as the machine gun's sight, and can be aimed up or down. My first impression was this was a very detailed game, though a bit dark in some areas where it was difficult to identify what you were looking at. But that also may have been the developer's design choice, since this scene takes place at night in the city. Controlling The Punisher from left to right was a bit stiff, but aiming your weapon was smooth. The Punisher may not have lived up to the hype of being a Metroid/Castlevainia-type game for all the hell it put me through, but it was damn fun to play. There were weapons and ammo to discover by shooting boxes and street signs. It was like no other game I had played on the NES, but I wondered if this game may have been better suited as a light gun game using the seldom used Zapper, or at least been an option. Character movement would have been lost, but the pace of the game would have been intensified by needing to take down all enemies from a stationary position.

My gameplay was short-lived, though. Within five minutes the game glitched on me. Nothing but letters, numbers, purple and black segments. I reset the game and was welcomed once again by the gray screen. I cleaned the cart again. Nothing. I jiggled and nudged the cart in several directions. Nothing. As a last resort I blew into the cartridge and was thanked with the blinking power button.

A few months have passed since then with no luck, and I have no desire to purchase another Punisher cartridge. Maybe I wasn't meant to play this game. Each day I discover a new game or someone shares a story about a game I've missed and never played. The backlog forever grows. I'm currently playing Metroid Prime for the first time, fully immersed in the 3D gameplay and loving it, but still I'm searching for more games to add to the collection to play one day. But I'm beginning to stop and wonder why. I don't need to play every video game, right?

10 Radical NES Box Covers

2013-02-28T08:11:00.004-06:00

Box covers once served a great purpose aiding a gamer's decision to purchase. In the NES days, there weren't gameplay videos to watch on your computer or smartphone. Young gamers had to rely on Nintendo Power and word of mouth. The publisher had to nab your attention so you would check the backside and see screenshots of gameplay and read about the main objectives of the game. When I see a NES box cover now, I can easily place where I first viewed the game, whether at a friend's house or video rental store, or hidden behind a glass cabinet at Toys 'R Us. This list could have been an all-Konami game list--they were that good depicting the rocking action on the box cover that you would experience in the game, but I had to give love to some to the other developers of NES games. NOTE: placing a Bandai NES box cover next to one of these games will decrease it's awesomeness by 75%.

BUCKY O'HARE

The rabbit looks evil, he's wearing a costume from Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, and firing a laser. And this game is made by Konami? What are 4 reasons I will steal money from my sister to buy a video game, Alex. This cover is actually from the Larry Hama (of Marvel G.I. Joe fame) Bucky O'Hare comic book issue #7.

CONTRA

This cover looks like what would happen if you mixed Arnold Schwarzenegger movies Predator and Commando, and the end result is awesome. Never mind the alien in the background, you'll be too busy looking good in a headband and vest, spreading fireballs at your enemies with a Labrador-sized machine gun. The awesomeness exploding from this cover extends to the actual game, and is seemingly never ending with the Konami code. If you don't get a boner (either physically if you're a guy or mentally if you're a girl) just by looking at this NES box cover you may need to reevaluate why you are gaming.

Castlevania

My mom wouldn't let me buy this game because the cover looked so scary with that smiling bastard Dracula in the background. What she didn't get was that He-Man looking dude in the loincloth and whip was on his way to the castle to knock Dracula down a peg, as well as help renovate the castle by destroying bricks and light fixtures. Whenever I would go shopping with my mom at a store like Target I'd convince her to stop at the video game section. There I would hold the Castlevania box, brush away imaginary dirt or dust with my fingertips, and look at it with such longing you would think a loved one's ashes were inside the box. I figured she would realize how much I wanted this game and buy it for me. My plan failed miserably and I downloaded it on Virtual Console 21 years later.

JOURNEY TO SILIUS

Has a solar eclipse ever looked so cool in the backdrop of an 8-bit video game? I don't care for the vertical text on the side but this is one of the most mysterious NES box covers of a truly excellent gem of a game. Little did we know back then that Journey to Silius was originally developed to be a Terminator game, until Sunsoft lost the license near the end of development and had to tweak the sprites.

The Legend of ZELDA

At the time of Zelda's release the NES was popular enough to drop the simple black box cover with pixelated art, a marketing ploy to distance themselves from Atari's method of selling a box cover that was nothing like the game. Nintendo still called their video game cartridges "game paks," though. The only place I ever heard someone refer to a NES game as a game pak was in Nintendo Power. Zelda was such an awesome game it didn't need to show gameplay, the hero, the landscape, or virtually anything at all. Just a gold box with "ZELDA" in dark red letters. Inside this box was the most beautiful gold cartridge that shined as bright as C-3PO at the end of A New Hope.

KARNOV

A bald Russian fat guy with a mustache kicking ass on dinosaurs? Sign me up. Maybe the next Jurassic Park movie will borrow from this Data East arcade classic. At one time a circus strongman, Karnov has the ability to spit fireballs and from the look of this cover, belly bounce his enemies straight to hell.

NINJA GAIDEN

Look at me. A city in ruins burning behind me and I've got this sweet ninja pose. Every time I see this cover I smile then cringe, thinking about stage 6-2. This game is advertised as "A Strategic Encounter" in the lower left hand corner. I'm not sure if Tecmo was suggesting this game had strategic elements like a Zelda title, or it was hinting the strategy you will encounter will be conserving your power-up weapons and not getting your ass kicked by birds and jetpack ninjas.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

Did you know that in the original comic book the Ninja Turtles all wore the same red mask? It wasn't until the cartoon where they all got their own color to initiate distinction and create identities, similar to how in the Real Ghostbusters cartoon each guy had his own color jumpsuit. When I was a kid, it drove me nuts that Leo, Mike, and Donny weren't wearing their own colors: Michaelangelo (orange), Donatello (purple) Leonardo (blue). I'm surprised I wasn't bitch slapped by some die-hard Ninja Turtles nerd.

THE ADVENTURES OF BAYOU BILLY

During the late '80's we were blessed with the Crocodile Dundee phenomenon. Though we never received a licensed Crocodile Dundee game, the good folks at Konami gave us the next best thing: Bayou F'n Billy. A beat 'em up/driving/light gun game. This cover has everything you could ask for: snakes, crocodiles, 80's inspired bandana wrapped around the thigh, a bosomy gal in short jean shorts being accosted by a fat dude. Though I wouldn't have minded another thong leotard shot of Linda Kozlowski.

XENOPHOBE

With a cover this cool, how could it suck? I'll tell you how: poor weapons and poop-inspired graphics and level design. It's hard to believe this is a Sunsoft game. Seeing an awesome cover like this that disguises the poop-filled cartridge reminds me of Atari games and how the game never lived up to the box cover art. Utter poop.

Sassy Mike Tyson's Punch-Out Quotes

2013-01-30T10:32:00.000-06:00

Mike Tyson' Punch Out gave gamers some of the greatest characters on the NES. Are they stereotypes? Yes. If you removed their country of origin would they be less memorable? No. The country of origin or stereotype does not matter to the gamer, only the outlandish theatrics each boxer brings to the ring. These sprites were larger than life, with personalities emerging from their body language, facial expressions, and sassy dialogue. Below you will find the famous quotes of each boxer in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

Glass Joe

Glass Joe is a bigger punching bag than LJN games. And not just because he has a hairy crotch. There aren't many foes on the NES who are slower or pack a softer punch them him, save for maybe a Goomba. I may be one of the few who gets great satisfaction uppercutting Glass Joe right after he sasses me. "Woh, woh, woh, woh!"

"Do I have time to nap before the fight?"
"Make it quick...I want to retire!"
"This is my last match! I'm too old for fighting!"
"Watch the jaw!! Don't hit my jaw!"

Cutting Room Floor Quote:
"My hairy junk has a better chance of knocking you down!"

Von Kaiser

Von Kaiser is proof that all men with mustaches are dastardly villains. Dr. Wily, Adolf Hitler, and Rollie Fingers. If Von Kaiser was bald he would've reminded me of the bulked up Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark who meets his untimely demise with an airplane propeller.

"I was a boxing teacher...at the military academy!"
"I'll teach you a lesson. You will fall down!"
"Surrender! Or I will conquer you!!"
"Your punch is soft...just like your heart

Cutting Room Floor Quote:
"Heil Tom Selleck's mustache!"

Piston Honda

This dude was bad-ass looking with a 'roided up cool name. Too bad he was as tough as hippy Steven Keaton and nosy neighbor Skippy Handelman combined. At least you received a password after beating him so you wouldn't have to endure more hard-fought contests with Glass Joe and Von Kaiser.

"I'll give you a TKO from Tokyo!"
"Sushi, kamikazi, fujiyama, nipponichi..."
"You should wear a helmet when you fight me."
"Where is the NHK TV camera! Hello Tokyo!"
"I still remember our first fight. Now I'm gonna pay you back. Banzai!!"

Cutting Room Floor Quote:
"I'd like to Tune in Tokyo on Super Macho Man!"

Don Flamenco

Hey! Is this Glass Joe's brother? They have the same body but different heads and colors! Bitch, you just been palate swapped. Flamenco had the second best ring entrance with a little dance and rose in his teeth. He also scored extra points with me for two Star Wars references. Unfortunately he also suffers from hairy crotchitis.

"Carmen, my love...I dance so sweet for you!"
"Hey! Mr. Referee Mario...I like your hair!"
"People like my hair. Don't mess my hair."
"Flamenco strikes back!! Return of Don!!"

Cutting Room Floor Quote:
"Carmen and Mario, I believe the term is menage trois."

King Hippo

Rumor has it Tipper Gore tried to ban Mike Tyson's Punch-Out in the United States. And not because the game depicted the French as pansies and Russians as drunks. She was enraged that King Hippo would drop his trunks every time he was socked in the gut. She believed King Hippo was soliciting his goodies to our young impressionable minds. This sort of behavior by Mrs. Gore is easily identified as having a Power Glove stuck up your buns.

"Do you like my new trunks! They are size XXX Large! Ha, ha, ha!"
"I feel like eating after I win. Let's go to lunch! Ha, ha, ha!"
"Ha, ha, ha! I am the king! Ha, ha, ha!"
"I have my weakness. But I won't tell you! Ha, ha, ha!"

Cutting Room Floor Quote:
"Ha, ha, ha! Underpants! Ha, ha, ha! Wink!"

Great Tiger

Did you know the Great Tiger is editor-in-chief at Cat Fancy magazine? He's also the one who started the funny cat video craze on YouTube. He had to have a back-up career plan since that damn ruby on his turban kept projecting his next punch.

"A kitten is no match for a tiger."
"So a pussycat wants to fight a tiger!"
"Beware my tiger punch!"
"I have purred long enough. Now hear me roar!"

Cutting Room Floor Quote:
"I have the Purrrrfect pussy punch!"

Bald Bull

Retro Confession: when I was a kid for the longest time I thought his name was Bald Bill. I never really looked at his name. I was too busy mashing the select button for Doc to give me a sweet-ass shoulder rub and regenerate health. Plus I had an uncle Bill who was bald. Sorry I'm a alliterate moron.

"Doc can't help you now. Will you beg me for help?"
"Hey! Little Mac! Maybe Doc should throw you a towel!"
"My barber didn't know when to quit...do you?"
"This time I'm gonna charge right over you!"
"Zip your lip, Doc. Little Mac is mine now."

Cutting Room Floor Quote:
"I eat Jive Turkeys for breakfast!"

Soda Popinski

You're not fooling anyone, Soda. We know you're a drunk who wears underwear trunks. We also know that a lifetime dedication to getting all sauced up will cause your skin to turn pink. Who needed movies like Sixteen Candles that promoted anti-teen drinking when you learned from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out that alcoholics turn radioactive pink.

"I drink to prepare for a fight. Tonight I am very prepared!"
"Would you like some punch to drink? Ha, ha, ha!"
"I can't drive, so I'm gonna walk all over you!"
"After you lose, we'll drink to your health! Ha, ha, ha!"
"I'm gonna make you feel punch drunk!"

Cutting Room Floor Quote:
"My name is Vodka Drunkenski you over-sensitive Americans!"

Mr. Sandman

Mr. Sandman is the ugliest dude in the game and the entire NES library. When you sock him in the gut one eye nearly pops out of socket. He looks like the love child of Sloth and Mama Fratelli. He's also a part-time salesman for Sleep Number beds, which explains his obsession with sleeping.

"Welcome to dreamland baby!"
"Bedtime for Little Mac!"
"Hey! Mac Baby...Say Goodnight!"
"I think you're gonna have a nightmare tonight!"

Cutting Room Floor Quote:
"U-G-L-Y. You ain't got no alibi. You Ugly!"

Super Macho Man

Nobody can flex man boobies better than Super Macho Man and that's why he is the winner for the coolest entrance to the ring. For a California guy who loves to tan he was abnormally pale. I bet Global Warming has something to do with this. Totally.

"I don't smoke...but tonight, I'm gonna smoke you!"
"My body is just so totally cool!"
"I work on my tan harder than I"ll have to work on you!"
"My super spin punch is totally tough!"

Cutting Room Floor Quote:
"My left boob weighs more than you!"

Mike Tyson

Before we found out he was crazy and raped women, Mike Tyson was the coolest boxer of all time. He was also dating the black chick from Head of the Class, one of the most underrated TV shows of the 80's that for some reason isn't in reruns where I live. There was nothing more radically awesome than fighting Mike Tyson for the first time after entering code 007-373-5963 and getting your ass handed to you in about 30 seconds from 3 uppercuts from the champ.
Did you know that if you (the reader) found out where I worked you would be able to access my work e-mail account by entering the Mike Tyson code? Shhhh. It's a secret to everybody.

"Hey! Is this kid a joke? Where's the real challenger?"
"You think the speed of your fingers can match the strength of my fists?"
"They say I can't lose. I say you can't win!"
"Your experience doesn't match mine. Go home and practice!"
"Great Fighting!! You were tough, Mac! I've never seen such Finger Speed before."

Cutting Room Floor Quote:
"Just like J.J. from Good Times I'm Dyno-mite!"

Little Mac

Little Mac was smaller than Rudy but kicked more ass. And thank God he wasn't a green wireframe like in the original arcade game. Little Mac taught me that the size of your muscles didn't matter in a fight, only your heart. No it didn't, all this game taught me was that Nintendo games rocked.

"I'm Tired Doc!"
"He's Hurt Me Doc"
"I Can't Win"

Cutting Room Floor Quote:
"F U Doc! I'm trying!"

Doc

With such sage advice as "Dancin' like a fly, bite like a mosquito," how could Little Mac not win the World Video Boxing Association (WVBA) belt to set the stage for the Dream Fight with Mike Tyson. And who else but Doc could get Little Mac to wear that adorable pink sweatsuit. Maybe the pink sweatsuit was Little Mac's initiation into joining the Nintendo Fun Club.

"Join the Nintendo Fun Club today! Mac!"
"Dancin' like a fly, bite like a mosquito!"
"Listen Mac! Dodge his punch then counter punch!"
"Yes you can Mac!"
"Keep your guard up!"
"Stick and move, stick and move!"

Cutting Room Floor Quote:
"That is what the jazz is all about!"

2013 Retro Gaming Resolutions

2012-12-19T20:19:00.001-06:00

Instead of eating healthier, exercising, drinking less, and cease swearing and shaking my fist at hippies for my upcoming New Year's resolutions, I've decided to redirect my efforts on something more important: Retro Gaming. Resolution lists tend to focus on limiting or eliminating some aspect in your life. But I want more retro gaming, I want it to reach 1980's excess proportions, with more pixels and Konami codes. More spread guns and Ice Wave Beams. More pick up and play 2D platformers and beat 'em ups, codes written on scraps of paper, maps drawn on graph paper or napkins. I want to spend half a Saturday trudging through flea markets (no matter the smell) searching for old video games amidst the boxes of used Hot Wheels cars and extension cords. I want more awesome, so without further ado, I present my 2013 Retro Gaming Resolutions.

PLAY THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: OCARINA OF TIME
Rumor has it this game is good, like Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge good. It's also considered the best title in the Legend of Zelda series. And I've never played it. *Gasp* I've also kept myself from reading reviews because I want to experience it unfiltered, without any opinions possibly swaying my own. I was a Playstation boy and the only N64 games I played back then were multi-player like Goldeneye, Smash Bros., and Mario Kart. I picked up a N64 a month ago and Ocarina of Time shortly afterward. As a husband and dad with a young daughter, it's difficult to play games for long stretches. I'm waiting for the perfect rainy day to pop this cart in the console, maybe a rainy day or two where I play hooky from work. This is my easiest resolution.

BEAT NINJA GAIDEN AND KID ICARUS
I obviously would like to defeat more than two games next year, but these two are at the top of my list. I've been stuck on Stage 6-2 in Ninja Gaiden since Perfect Strangers was a hit sitcom on ABC. Don't be ri-dic-u-lous. I never hated birds/hawks until playing this game, and flying backward after taking a hit is one of the most frustrating parts of this game. But I keep coming back for more because the gameplay is awesome: whipping stars, the jump and slash, wall-spring jumps. The pace is fast and the bosses are B.A. Baracus tough. The sad thing is, if I beat this game I may never want to play it again after the years of torment. Good thing there's a part 2 and 3 on the NES.

Kid Icarus is a game I played very little of when it was first released. It was difficult, plus it didn't have Mario or Link in the game. I play this game in streaks--one day I'll be progressing then hit a tough spot and then I set the game aside for months. It's one of those I games I don't want to see end so I slow play it. The game is tough, but as you progress and are able to upgrade the strength of your bow and endurance the game does get easier. I had the same feeling about this game as I did with Metroid--I didn't like it at first because I didn't know what the hell I was doing, but as I got deeper into it I grew to love the game. I'm currently at Stage 1-4 and continually getting my ass handed to me by the Eggplant Wizards. Fucking Eggplants are standing in my way of glory.

GIVE SUPER MARIO 64 MORE LOVE
I'm a 2D Mario platformer guy, so I'm having a hard time engaging with this game. I get why it's popular, and I do enjoy playing it, but I currently don't care if I ever beat it or if I ever play it again. I've never felt this way about any Mario platformer. The reason this game is still on my radar is because my two-year old daughter loves to watch me play it, and press the jump button at inopportune times. FADE [Bowser Maniacal Laugh]

WRITE MORE ABOUT RETRO GAMING
I enjoy writing about video games almost as much as playing them, but writing is exhausting. More exhausting than beating Dr. Wily, or being a bad enough dude to save the President. By the end of the day it's easier to sit down and play a mindlessly fun game like Super Mario Bros. than write an article about why the Super Star Wars trilogy on the SNES is the greatest video game trilogy on any system. I'm sure I'll need Old Ben's help writing that one and to fight off the bombardment of others questioning my sanity. I'd like to get more involved with other retro gaming sites that are more community based. I consider my site as a hub to my favorite retro gaming sites and a place where I can look at the box covers of every NES game, but I need more content with substance. I will be devising a schedule to help get me back on track writing articles on a regular basis, so I can avoid a six month hiatus like the one I had last year.

BUY A HANDHELD DEVICE
I've never owned a Game Boy or any other portable gaming device. I like playing on big TV's, with a controller in my hands instead of hunched over with a Game Boy inches from my face. But this sentiment is waning, and the two that interest me are the Game Boy Advance and the 3DS. What intrigues me about a portable is the pick-up-and-play nature of nearly every game. Gaming in short bursts, wherever I happen to be. I'm leaning toward the 3DS because of their current selection of games as well as there will be a new Zelda and Smash Bros. game, but also because of the old Game Boy titles you can download. I am dying to play Metroid II.

GET TO THE SUPER MARIO BROS MINUS WORLD
At the end of level 1-2 in Super Mario Bros. a player can reach the famous Minus World glitch by perfecting a crouched jump off a pipe to the right and walking through the wall into the warp zone room and entering the first pipe. I've only tried a handful of times but I've failed each time. I don't know if it is even tough to accomplish. The Minus World is exactly like the underwater world 2-2, except for when you reach the end you can't pass through the pipe. You either die by enemies or by time limit, and then you start the Minus World all over again until you run out of lives. I can't explain exactly why I want to do this, other than it's one of those fun glitches to perform on old video games done for the pure thrill of it instead of progression.

That's it for this year. If you were hoping I'd throw in "Make Less Growing Pains References on Twitter," I'm sorry. Show me that smile again. And don't waste another minute on your cryin'. Please share in the comments what your plans are for coming year in the realm of retro gaming. At the end of 2013, I will revisit these resolutions, and report my successes and/or failures. Happy New Year! Now Do The Mario!

Your Ass Better Zap Somebody

2012-11-19T20:09:00.001-06:00

The NES Zapper and light gun games for the Nintendo Entertainment System are on the brink of extinction. Graves have been dug, obituaries written, longtime NES fan Willie Aames (from Charles and Charge fame, as well as the Celebrity Profile in the May/June 1990 issue of Nintendo Power) has been booked to perform the ceremony. The clock is ticking, because a CRT (bubble screen) television is required to play these games. And how many retro gamers will hold onto a CRT TV to play any of the 16 licensed games compatible with the NES Zapper? As each year passes I'm finding it harder to rationalize why I should keep my 27'' CRT TV when I only have 3 light gun games (Duck Hunt, Hogan's Alley, and Wild Gunman). I can't remember the last time I played any of them, or even considered them when stacking the cartridges I intend to play on a retro gaming night. TV's take up space. Why waste space with a TV I may use to play a light gun game maybe once every few years, when the space could be better utilized with a cardboard stand-up of Perfect Strangers' Cousin Larry and Balky (assuming one exists), or something else just as mint.

The reason there is only 16 light gun games on the NES is because they are average games. Fun in short doses, and at times a welcome break from Super Mario Bros. The Zapper games simply aren't as engaging as the platformers, shooters, and RPG's on the NES. Hogan's Alley is fun but if I have an hour to play some games I'm going after Bowser, Dr. Wily, Mother Brain, or fighting in Blades of Steel. A novelty act that had a longer shelf life than R.O.B. the robot? I don't believe so, but Nintendo wasn't committed to making light gun games, or didn't have the hardware capabilities to produce a high-caliber game.

As I write this my CRT TV lays dormant in storage. Next to a boombox that may or may not work, and a three-foot tall Santa Claus that's missing a hand. I hope one day to create a room dedicated to gaming, where the CRT will find a permanent home, and not just be a nuisance to pull out of storage to shoot some baddies in Wild Gunman. Not only to play light gun games, but to display as a reminder of the games I've played on it. I beat Super Mario Bros. and the Legend of Zelda on that TV. Raced and pinballed Sonic the Hedgehog all over the screen. Scored two-hundred plus goals with a player I created on NHL '95. Lounged effortlessly for hours with friends for marathon sessions of Mario Kart and Goldeneye. Final Fantasy X. The TV survived four console generations and many moves until I upgraded to an HDTV before I picked up the Wii. That TV is half my life. If I were any nerdier I would have named the TV Glen or Betsy.

There will come a time when my CRT TV no longer works, and there simply isn't a replacement. So before the NES Zapper and accompanying games go the way of cassettes, long division, and Dave Coulier, I pledge to give them some love, to enjoy while I still can. Two of my favorite arcade games are light gun ones--Area 51 and Lethal Enforcers--and without the NES Zapper success (however modest) these games may not have been possible. The great thing about light gun games is they're relaxing. You don't need to worry about item collecting and maps or scour through Nintendo Power or walkthroughs on the internet; just react and shoot. To simply play a game for enjoyment instead of accumulating trophies or achievements. Zap somebody.

LIST OF LICENSED ZAPPER GAMES

Adventures of Bayou Billy

Barker Bill's Trick Shooting

Day Dreamin' Davey

Duck Hunt

Freedom Force

Gotcha! The Sport

Gumshoe

Hogan's Alley

Laser Invasion

Lone Ranger

Mechanized Attack

Operation Wolf

Shooting Range

To the Earth

Track & Field II

Wild Gunman

My NES Holy Grail Game

2012-11-13T17:48:00.003-06:00

My NES Holy Grail Game stems from the 1989 May/June issue of Nintendo Power. Nintendo Power used to conduct Player's Poll contests, where you filled out a postcard that rated the current issue and favorite games, list games you want reviewed, whether or not you want your subscription renewed, etc. The postcard was your entry into the Player's Poll contest where you could win anything from NES games, accessories, and clothing. This issue was awarding a Grand Prize of a mountain bike and helmet (modeled by Howard Phillips), a second place prize of 15 autographed copes of the game WWF Wrestlemania signed by Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, and Andre the Giant, and for third place, 50 Nintendo Power jerseys. I already had a Redline bmx bike to rock out tricks like in the movie Rad, a jersey would have been cool but it was not a video game I could play. I needed the wrestling video game, signed by one of three of the biggest wrestling stars of the 1980's.

My 80's childhood was revolved around 3 things: NES, Star Wars, and wrestling. I had the LJN rubber wrestling figures and ring, sticker books and trading cards, a Hulk Rules t-shirt purchased at a house show. My dad taped Saturday Night Main Event for me because it was on so late and I'd watch it before church the next morning. I still have a few tapes that I need to transfer to DVD, one in particular that has Hulk Hogan squaring off against Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff in a steel cage, as well as a rockin' video montage of the year's highlight's from 80's legend Billy Ocean singing "When the Goin' Gets Tough." I used to rent old Wrestlemania tapes from a video store that doubled as a burger joint. One of my favorite Wrestlemania's is IV, where a tournament was held for the vacated heavyweight title. It was brilliant, as we watched The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase pay off his opponents to lay down and witness the transformation of Macho Man from heel to face with the beautiful Miss Elizabeth at his side, not to mention the Hulkster--and thankfully for Macho, no George the Animal Steele nearby to chew up turnbuckles and present her the stuffing as a gift Although I loved the NWO days of wrestling, it doesn't compare to the colorful characters like Jake the Snake Roberts, Rowdy Roddy Piper, and Superfly Snuka I watched as a kid.

Most retro gamers and collectors seek out the Gold or Gray Nintendo World Championships NES cart, or the Bandai Stadium Events cart that was pulled off the shelves once Nintendo wanted to release it as a first-party title. The attraction to obtaining these games is similar to collecting baseball cards, wanting the rarest cards available for your collection and to display. But I have no desire for these games, namely because I don't care if I play them, and they don't feature Hulk Hogan or have his signature. I would consider the signed game pak of WWF Wrestlemania rarer than the World Championships and Stadium Events cart. Only 15 copies were sent out to little snots that weren't me. Even though I could probably get Hulk Hogan to autograph my current Wrestlemania cart, it would not be the same because it was not awarded from the Player's Poll contest in my beloved video game bible Nintendo Power.

For a more detailed article on rare NES games, check out Racketboy.com's article here.

WWF Wrestlemania isn't much of a wrestling game. You can punch and kick and headbutt, and Bam Bam Bigelow can do cartwheels, but there's no grappling. No sleeper holds, power bombs, or figure-four locks, or steel chairs when the ref isn't looking or getting caned by Mr. Fuji. The best way to describe the wrestlers came courtesy of @Syd_Lexia, in that the wrestlers look like they pooped themselves and were trying to not let the poop spill out. The animations are decent, they look like the actual wrestlers, but the sprites did not jump out as charismatic characters like they were in the real WWF. But once you pop in the cartridge you get this awesome title screen of Hulk Hogan, so you start eating your vitamins and saying your prayers that this is a damn good video game. Your hear the synthesized versions of "Real American" and "Pomp and Circumstance." But it's not a good wrestling game--trying to pin a opponent will drive you nuts and bodyslamming feels like a nearly impossible feat (or maybe I just suck). However, this game offers some fun multi-player. It is a button masher and you can have four players that each control a wrestler in tournament mode. We used to draw straws to see who would wrestle as Hogan in his hot pink tights. Nobody ever wanted the Giant or the Million Dollar Man. They were slow and looked like turds. Honky Tonk Man didn't have his guitar to bash over Hogan's head so he was pretty much worthless. Bam Bam was my next favorite, he could cartwheel all over your ass in the ring. Among my friends, Hogan and Bam Bam won nearly every tournament. But if you chose Macho Man, you had free reign to yell "Oh, yeah!", but only during the match. Violation of this rule cost you a Wayne Gretzky or Jose Canseco card. Only once did the Million Dollar Man win, and that's because Terry Haumschild was the second coming of Jimmy Woods.

Although Pro Wrestling is my top choice for NES wrestling games, this was the first NES wrestling game that featured real WWF superstars, and simply because of that it will always hold a spot in my gaming queue. And while I would like to get some hard-to-find/expensive NES titles like Snow Brothers, Duck Tales 2, and Darkwing Duck that were released late in the NES lifecycle, they don't have the same allure as the autographed Wrestlemania cart that was dished out by my childhood magazine Nintendo Power.

I will admit I have not actively sought my holy grail NES cart. I've been too busy gobbling up other common NES games that I either loved or missed out on as a kid from the nearly 800 game library. But I intend to, after a quick tournament of WWF Wrestlemania while wearing my Hulk Rules shirt. Brother.

NES Memories: Kung Fu

2012-11-03T14:03:00.001-05:00

I played very little of Kung Fu growing up. In fact, I knew of only one friend (let's just call him Guttenberg) who owned the game. Guttenberg was the first kid on our block to own a Nintendo so naturally every scoundrel on Larch Circle gravitated toward his house any time school wasn't in session or at home sleeping, dreaming of flattening Goombas and knocking turtles out of their shells with fire balls. Not only did Guttenberg have Super Mario Bros., but he had Excitebike, Hogan's Alley, Duck Hunt, and Kung Fu. He was the luckiest bastard in the world while I simply had Parsec to play on Texas Instruments (this is not a slight on Parsec, an awesome game I hope to dig out of my parent's basement one day, but it didn't hold a candle to Super Mario Bros.). Luckily for the rebel scum of Larch Circle, Guttenberg never shied away from sharing his gaming sessions with us. We played in his basement with the lights off and blue screen buzzing. We snuck in Mountain Dew and Nerds candy in Nerd-shaped containers in our backpacks. We elbowed for position for better view of the TV screen. Somehow it was a mix of hysteria and hush whenever a player entered a level we hadn't seen before.

As you can expect, Super Mario Bros. was the game of choice, followed by Excitebike, and then Duck Hunt and Hogan's Alley if Guttenberg's dad came downstairs to play. On rare occasions, Kung Fu was popped into the deck at the end of a gaming marathon. But it seemed like every time it was my turn to play Guttenberg's mother walked in to turn the power off. One of her favorite phrases was "How would you like to pay my electricity bill?", another common remark was "You guys smell." For the small handful of times I played Kung Fu I loved it. I liked the simplicity, the simple kicks and punches as I moved from right to left, then left to right and so on. Kung Fu was my first entry into the wonderful world of the beat 'em genre. What I enjoyed about Kung Fu was that it wasn't about simply jumping from platform to platform while trying to not get hit or touched by anything. You actually got to fight the baddies instead of jumping over them. But by the time I received my NES on that glorious Christmas day in 1988, Kung Fu was a distant memory with Double Dragon on the scene. Sylvia would not be saved and Mr. X's maniacal laugh would be silent.

After my triumphant return to the world of retro gaming via the Wii Virtual Console, I grew tired of Nintendo's few and far between releases after steadily rolling out hit games for two-plus years. So I picked up an NES on eBay and then went treasure hunting in flea markets and pawn shops. The closest gaming store to me that sells retro games is about an hour away ( a trip I try to make at least once a month). I had wanted Kung Fu on Virtual Console but Nintendo never released it in North America. Dickfors. I knew my first purchase would be Kung Fu and I was lucky to land it on my first trip, along with Jaws and Strider. Jaws was also a game I deeply wanted, having rented it once for the weekend at the cabin (do I smell another NES Memory?). There aren't enough sharks in video games. I bet there are probably more eggplants than sharks in video games. At least in retro games. I needed Kung Fu on the NES all to myself, without Guttenberg's mother lurching around extinguishing my turn, and with the hope of recapturing the excitement of playing a simple beat 'em up game. No thinking required, just sit down and play.

Kung Fu is a good but not great game, and I knew that beforehand, but it's a beat 'em up game and that's all that mattered to me. The tune is cool, the sound decent, there's bees and snakes breathing fire at you in this dojo--a no mercy dojo I might add. Someone could hand me the biggest piece of shit sidescrolling beat 'em up, and I could play it for hours (this includes Karate Kid, which I've done). But Kung Fu is actually fun. Unlike Super Mario Bros., Kung Fu has different bosses that require different strategies at the end of each level (stage/floor?): a stick man, a boomerang man, Sandman's fat uncle, a hobo wizard, and Mr. X, who could possibly double for Cobra Kai sensei John Kreese. The enemies are also hilarious in that A) they don't attack you but run into you, and B) they're circus jumping midgets and purple vested thugs flailing their arms. I beat the game the first night I played it and wasn't let down like I some times am after defeating a game, knowing the game is over. I knew I could come back to it, again and again, beating up midgets and Piston Honda lookalikes whipping knives. It's the perfect pick-up-and-play game because you can finish it in 5-10 minutes, and at my age with a young daughter, that is all you can ask for while sneaking in a gaming session. For this reason the NES is my go-to console.

5 NES Games to Punish Your Children

2012-04-23T20:00:00.001-05:00

Children are animals, and should be treated as such. Not really, but wouldn't it be more fun for you as the parent to creatively punish your child? To point and laugh at their suffering through some of the most frustrating NES games of all time. Yes, you can ground a kid to a room or have them sit in a chair. But where's the fun in that?

My daughter is only two years old so the worst punishment she receives is a stern, "No, no." After creating this little list I'll be ready when she does get in trouble. Is it sad I'm actually looking forward to it? My NES method of tough love provides the following: punishment of your child, entertainment for you, and a deterrent for your child to stay on the straight and narrow so they never have to play these brutal games again.

My method will only work if your child has zero familiarity with these games. If your child refuses to play, promise them the only cell phone they'll ever own is a Nokia from 1998--with the Snake game included!

Mike Tyson's Punch-Out

What's this? How can playing Mike Tyson's Punch-Out punish my child? It's one of the greatest NES games of all time, Goober! I'm well aware of this game's credentials, and I have it ranked in my top 5 of best NES games. But here's the deal, your child is not allowed to fight anyone in the game but Mike Tyson. No Glass Joe, no Piston Honda. No socking the band-aid "X" on King Hippo's belly. No drunk Popinski or big titty Super Macho Man. No build-up to the dream fight learning how to fight and dodge, recognizing each boxer has a pattern. Just Tyson and his first minute and a half of uppercuts that take Little Mac down with one punch. "Oh, you lost, Billy? Only 27 seconds in? I've had this code memorized for 25 years so I'll have you fighting Tyson again in mere moments." It is highly recommended to snicker every time Little Mac is dropped to the canvas. If your child is some sort of Jimmy Woods from the movie The Wizard and takes down Tyson you may never punish your child again.

10-Yard Fight

This punishment is for the child who has played modern football games like Madden. They will be abhorred there are no NFL teams or player names, no season. Not even team names. There are no plays to choose from--you either run it or pass it to the lone receiver on your squad. 10-Yard Fight is a blob of a mess on screen. It was dull in 1985 and even worse now. To add a little extra salt to your child's wound after playing this game, have them watch you play Tecmo Super Bowl, and remind them this is what good children get to play.

Ghosts 'N Goblins

Ghosts 'N Goblins is one of the hardest games in video game history. There are cheap enemies, flying birds (every hard game seems to having some sort of flying bird), and Sir Arthur can only withstand two hits before he dies in his underwear. This punishment is for the whining kid. Because no matter how bad your life sucks at age 7 or 8 nothing compares to getting your ass kicked repeatedly in Ghosts 'N Goblins, and after a death having to hear that quick little tune and see a screen of the map to show how far you still need to go. Taunting you, because you will never beat this game. You'll be lucky to get past the ogres in the mansion. It is recommended to have your child play this game in a padded room, while also having them wear a helmet or hat to prevent them from pulling their hair out in frustration.

The Karate Kid

Some times you need to show your children who's boss, and that's when you dust off The Karate Kid cart. This is easily one of the most frustrating video games I've ever played. Even though there are only four stages this game, your children will be begging for you to turn off the power once they reach the Typhoon Stage (stage 3). The wind pushing you back while sticks and birds fly into you, coupled with how far you get knocked backward when struck by an enemy is one of the worst punishments in gaming history. I was lucky enough one day to beat this game and I haven't touched it since. Too many scars of being hit by an enemy and flying backward into a deadly pit of water. The enemies are cheap and if they get you trapped against a wall or brick, they'll keep cheap shotting you until you are dead, because there's no escape. Did I mention you have to press Up to jump, kids? Have fun with that.

Mach Rider

This game should only be used as a last resort for punishment because the child will actually feel physical pain from playing it. Mach Rider is a fast moving biker race game that is sure to induce nausea and headaches. The screen is jumpy from the fast pace, blinking center strip, enemy bikers, oil puddles, barriers, etc. It's like watching The Blair Witch Project but worse. Should your child withstand 30 minutes of Mach Rider punishment, visit your eye doctor immediately to check for symptoms of opsoclonus--the "crazy eyes." Examples to use "Playing Mach Rider to Punish Your Child" include: young Billy looking at dirty websites, or young Sally watching inappropriate night time television. The abuse that playing Mach Rider plays on their eyes is all the deterrent they need.

If none of these punishments seem to invoke the fear of Ganon in them, you may need to try something a bit more extreme:

*Watch the complete series of the t.v. show Sister, Sister

*Listen to Jesus-freak Kirk Cameron speak at a seminar

*Watch the last season of Roseanne after they won the lottery

NES Memories: Baseball Stars

2012-03-27T20:55:00.001-05:00

To this day, Baseball Stars on the Nintendo Entertainment System is still my favorite baseball game. Though it lacks an MLB license and realistic graphics of games today, the gameplay is superior to any baseball game I've ever played. From infielders diving to outfielders climbing the wall with an outstretched glove hand to rob a home run to the timing of hitting the ball on the sweet spot of the bat--this game was simple to play yet took time to master, without a frustration period games usually give you while learning the mechanics and controls. Other than the gameplay the coolest feature about Baseball Stars is the ability to create your own team and players, a first on the NES.

I was first introduced to Baseball Stars by a friend who was as ambitious as Dr. Wily. He wanted to create a six-person league where we would create our own teams and hold a draft to pick the names of our favorite ball players, like Kirby Puckett, Roger Clemens, Jose Canseco, and Ken Griffey Jr. My friends and I gathered at his house early into the summer after our sixth grade year to conduct the draft. It was brilliant. Though the players bared no resemblance to the Major League players names you drafted, it was still cool to own a team of our favorite players (that is, unless your buddies sniped you and drafted them first). Draft positioning was decided by highest score in Tetris.

All I cared about was getting Jose Canseco on my team, and with the second overall pick I was assured to land him. Especially since the owner of the first overall pick was a diehard Andre Dawson fan. The draft commenced with plenty of heckling and trash talking to dissuade others of drafting a player's name you wanted. In essence, it was a precursor to how our fantasy football drafts would be held many years later. Believe it or not, a trade actually occurred on draft day between the owners of the third and sixth picks. The pick six owner had to have Ken Griffey Jr. on his roster so he traded his 1985 Topps Mark McGwire rookie card to the pick three owner to swap picks for the first round--a pretty significant card of value back in the day before eBay. I can still remember the majority of my pics and how I shortened their names to fit (you could only use six letters). Canseco was CNSECO. Ricky and Dave Henderson were R.HEND and D.HEND. Don Mattingly was MTTNLY. Terry Steinbach was STNBCH. As you can see, I was a huge Oakland A's fan. When I received Baseball Stars for Christmas later that year my whole team consisted of A's players, with myself manning centerfield. Sorry for demoting you to the bench, Dave Henderson.

It was mandatory to create one player with a silly or crude name. My second baseman's name was NUTSAC. Other beauties around the league were ASSMAN, FARTER, DICK, and FU. Drafting and creating players was almost as fun as playing the game itself.

Once the draft had concluded we devised a schedule to meet every morning that summer at nine a.m. to play. We spent the next few hours creating our teams, ripping each other for drafting losers whose baseball cards weren't worth shit or guys with mustaches. In our minds, everyone who had a mustache looked like Rollie Fingers. We agreed not to use the cheat code to create a maxed out team (a maxed out team started you with players rating 85 or higher on a scale to 100). Every team would start out inexperienced, and need to show some skill to win games and money to boost individual players attributes.

The Baseball Stars draft day is one of my favorite gaming memories with friends, even though draft day featured very little gaming at all. Maybe because our season only lasted a few weeks is why I look back so fondly on the draft and not the games. After the first week, one kid dropped out because he was going to his grandparents for the summer. When pressed about why he was leaving so abruptly he simply said, "I forgot." Another kid was kicked out of the league for stealing another owner's lamborghini Micro Machines. Next there were baseball camps and fishing trips, groundings for sneaking out of the house at night to jump on a neighbor's trampoline. We only seemed to have two or three guys each day to play. By the third week our league commissioner, evil genius of the Baseball Stars league, erased all data because he wanted to start a new league with his cousins. I'd like to say I punched him in the mouth, instead I said, "Let's play Contra."

Wanted: The Future (of Gaming)

2012-03-15T20:17:00.002-05:00

After reading Syd Lexia's hilarious articles on his website "Fun With Search Engines" where he lists all the searches that brought readers to his site and comments on them I decided to check my own stats and came across the search keywords "the future" that brought two visits to my site. It was such an odd search that delivered people here and a neat little writing prompt. So I started thinking about the future, whether apes will take over, or if I'll ever beat Ninja Gaiden, and about the future of video games. Will I still be interested in current video games in five to ten years? Or will I be steadfastly holding onto the past, clutching my NES Advantage with the clay Super Mario Bros. 2 Nintendo Power on my nightstand? Then I remembered it won't even matter because we'll all be dead at the end of 2012, as we face the same fate as Melmac. Even with certain doom cast upon the earth, I still felt obligated to offer the two anonymous readers my thoughts on the future.

If you haven't been to Syd Lexia's site, you're doing yourself a great disservice if you love retro pop culture and video games. Check it out here.

Search Keywords: the future

I haven't been struck by lightning ala Screech Powers where he can temporarily see the future. I'm just a nerd retro gamer stuck in the past so how did two people search "the future" and find my dinky website. Google must have punished them for so typing such a bland search and routed them to my site. Either way, I feel guilty for not offering these poor readers a few nuggets of wisdom related to the future. For instance, in the future, boys will actually wear pants above their boxers, and dogs will stop barking at leaves fluttering and brushing across the pavement. Apple will market 4 new iPhones per year, one per season. Tyler Perry will be served a cease and desist letter ordering him to never make another movie or TV show again--he won't even be allowed to own a television. Wart from Super Mario Bros. 2 will make his triumphant return.

Or perhaps these two poor souls wanted to know the future of gaming? Where are we headed with the Wii U set to debut late this year, with Playstation and Microsoft not far behind launching their next-gen consoles? Are tablet controllers, more motion control games, and slightly enhanced HD graphics really considered next-generation? Will we finally start seeing some new original titles instead of sequels and clones? Will we become so bored with the same first-person shooter and sports games with updated rosters that we will actually devolve back to 8 and 16-bit gaming? I sure hope so. Polygonal worlds be damned, gimme bits.

There are only two games I enjoyed using motion controls on the Wii: Wii Sports and The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. Sadly, Skyward Sword came at the end of the Wii's life cycle and is pretty much the last great title for the console, and the only bright spots for this year will be Xenoblade Chronicles and The Last Story. Nintendo has pretty much ignored the Wii for the past year, which is what they always do during a transition from one console to the next, with the lone exception of the NES (they released games for the NES four years after the Super Nintendo launched). I may be in the minority, but I prefer holding a controller in my hands instead of waving around a remote like a conductor. That is why I'm looking forward to the Wii U, and why my Wii is currently a retro gaming console with all the titles I've downloaded on Virtual Console.

The future of gaming needs to take a step back into the future. Great Scott! Games are too easy today, all you need to do to complete a game is follow the endless tutorials littered throughout. And I get it, for the money spent on video games today you should be able to beat the game, but there should be a process. You need play the game over and over, developing your hand-eye coordination skill. If all else fails, find a P Wing. Bring back the side-scrolling beat 'em up where you don't need a guide or a pop-up to tell you that you need to move from left to right, beating, stomping, or shooting the shit out of everything in your path. Imagine an awesome game like Contra III for the SNES updated with HD graphics. New Super Mario Bros. Wii was one of the greatest platformers I've ever played, because it was simple and fun. The gaming world needs more platformers, beat 'em ups, and shooters (Life Force anyone?) instead of the same first-person shooter games rolled out each year with slightly better graphics but no significant changes to gameplay.

Online gaming is another area in need of a re-vamp. Instead of the same old multi-player games where you spend hours upon hours mindlessly gunning and sniping other gamers, how about something new like an online multiplayer beat 'em up in the mold of a classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game? Or a co-op Gradius with HD graphics? I'm tired of wandering around in 3D worlds. I just want to go from point A to B, eat mushrooms, and shoot a spread gun. And if I'm tired of playing the game by myself I'll find other gamers online to help me destroy Red Falcon once and for all.

The gaming world is on the verge of a serious shift as the consoles battle it out with smartphones. What will the big 3 (Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony) do to keep consoles relevant when you can play all the games you want on your phone, downloaded almost instantly, without loading a disc, and waiting, waiting, waiting. The convenience of playing a quick game on your phone with only a few buttons to tap has taken the casual gamers away from the motion control games on the Wii, PS3, and Kinect. We are also starting to see less and less of independent retail video game stores (but that could be said of nearly any hobby). Do we really need to go to a Best Buy or some other retail store to buy a disc and case just to play the game we want? We've already seen a small sample of this from Microsoft and Sony for full retail titles available for download. A person's time has now become almost as valuable as money itself. We shouldn't need to search all over town or online for a game title. We should only need to go to the console's online shop or network, click, pay, and download the game of our choice--the same way we are currently downloading retro titles.

This is what I expect for the future of gaming. A return of the sidescrolling beat 'em and run 'n gun genre. 2D sidescrolling with HD graphics needs to become prevalent. A farewell to motion controls--casual gamers and non-traditional gamers have moved on to smartphones, Angry Birds, and Minecraft. Full retail digital downloads--no more cases, discs. Although no more discs will rankle those who like to show off collections. Lastly, a new franchise to emerge in the likes of Super Mario, Zelda, Metroid, Mega Man, and Castlevania to emerge. That's not too much to ask for, is it?

Starting with the NES, the fads in gaming have gone from platformer to beat 'em up to fighting to first-person shooter and multi-player to motion control games. What is next? Hopefully not tablet controller time fillers like Angry Birds. I want to be blown away like the first time I played Super Mario Bros. and Zelda, then Super Star Wars and Super Metroid. I want to care about new video games like I used to.

"When this blog reaches 88 posts, you're going to see some serious shit."
--Hunk Sparrow

MagMax: An NES Nerd Review

2012-02-23T22:57:00.000-06:00

MagMax

Publisher: FCI

Year: 1988

Dear God,

Aliens have taken the planet hostage. They created a mechanical monster named Babylon, a three-headed dragon killing machine that has us puny earthlings on the verge of extinction. Please send help by way of a transforming robot--but not fully assembled. I'd like to traverse the land collecting the parts and transform into MagMax.

Cheers,

Unnamed Pilot

I wasn't expecting much from MagMax, published by a company I've never heard of before. I found it on one of my bi-weekly trips to the pawn shop, scrounging around for some homeless NES carts. It was stuffed in a cardboard box with about twenty copies each of Major League Baseball and Track and Field II. I thought I'd give it a shot since the cover depicted a robot about to strike a three-headed robot dragon with a lightsaber. Sadly, there is no lightsaber in this game at all.

GAMEPLAY

I very much dislike looping games, which is one reason I never got too crazy about Donkey Kong or Popeye. I need an ending, a final boss fight. High scores mean nothing to me. MagMax has four different screens/levels (there is no stoppage in play, there are four different environments) that repeat, during which you will fight the three-headed robotic dragon boss Babylon twice. He is extremely easy as are the rest of the enemies in this game, most of which you don't need to kill and can simply avoid.

As the unnamed pilot, you begin your mission to save humankind in a small ship, but can boost your weaponry by picking up the three robotic pieces scattered throughout each level. The three pieces are: a torso with head and arms, a wave beam, and legs. One innovative feature in this game is the ability to choose to fly above or below ground by entering random gray Warp Halls. But where this innovation fails is there is no purpose or goal for going one way or another. The choice is merely there to reduce boredom by alternating above and below ground. It also doesn't matter if you're only a small ship or the robot MagMax. Both maneuver slow. The ship can avoid the sweeps of forgettable foes with minimal firepower. MagMax is large and while he has more weaponry at his disposal to take down multiple enemies, his slow body makes him more vulnerable to hits.

For a more challenging game, play below ground (picture right)--there's less space to maneuver and the enemies are slightly more difficult. Whether you're above ground or below, you fight Babylon twice, and will be frustrated that a cool looking boss is so easy to defeat.

GRAPHICS/SOUND

The quality of the graphics is mixed in this game. After acquiring the three power-ups to transform into MagMax, the finished product of the robot looks pretty cool. The majority of the thirty types of enemies are weak looking (there's one that looks like a sailboat that zips around like a dradle) but the boss Babylon looks amazing. Each robotic head is moving and firing at you, and it's quite large compared to the rest of the enemies. It's unfortunate he's so easy to beat. Above ground the landscape is dull with non-descript barriers and one color screens--there's a plain brown screen for the desert and all blue screen for water. Below ground is a different story, with living organism walls similar to Life Force. If you can forget about the fact that the game is looping, the below ground levels are quite detailed with landscape and more vibrant enemies.

As with the graphics, the sound is a terrible looping mess above and tolerable below. The sound effects of destroying your enemies and powering up are equally as bland as the soundtrack. After five minutes, you'll turn the sound down to play your own music.

AWESOMENESS

MagMax lacks much awesome. The transformed robot and Babylon are cool looking, but that's pretty much it. This game may have been more enjoyable if you started the game piloting the robot, equipping greater power-ups along the way. As well as if there were consequences to flying above or below ground. Like if there were greater power-ups below ground that you had to overcome an onslaught of unrelenting enemies to acquire. Not to mention an actual ending to this game and a more challenging boss fight.

REPLAY VALUE

None, even if you want to play alternating two-player mode in a quest for high score. Play this game once and whip through a couple of loops to tell your friends you beat the game. They may even give you a high five.

BUY OR POOP ON?

This game is only for collectors and die-hard Shooter fans. I won't say "Poop On" only because I liked the graphics of the boss Babylon. If you pay more than $3 for this game I will confiscate your entire NES collection because you're just not ready for this type of responsibility.

SCORE: Out of 10

5 NES Games to Play on Valentines Day

2012-02-10T22:08:00.000-06:00

It's true that flowers, jewelry, a nice dinner out are perfectly acceptable for Valentines Day. But why not celebrate this glorious day sharing your passion with your loved one--retro gaming. You play together, you die together, you continue together, and beat the game. I have five old school Nintendo games that are guaranteed to offer you and your partner a hardcore rocking time. Even if you disagree with my choices pick one NES game to play on Valentines Day and don't quit until you have beaten it. I dare you to accept this challenge. One other thing, don't use any on-line walkthroughs or gameplay videos. The only acceptable guide you may use is an old dog-eared and soda-stained Nintendo Power. You have to figure out the game together. And the only cheat you can use is the Konami code--it would be a sin to play a game without it. Good luck and Happy Valentines day. Here's 5 NES games to get you started.
SUPER MARIO BROS.
Super Mario Bros. is what got most of us to love video games. Why not play the iconic game in 2-player mode, with rock-paper-scissors deciding who gets to play as Mario? The second you turn on the game and hear that familiar Mario tune you'll be instantly transported to your childhood, amazed with bright colors and depth of the sidescrolling levels. Dash and stomp your way through the Mushroom Kingdom to save the Princess from the dreaded Bowser. Remember to ask the Princess why she is only protected by Toads wearing mushroom caps with Goombas and Koopa Troopas on the loose.

TETRIS
Tetris was so addictive that even my grandmother used to come over when I came home from to school to play it. Have even more fun besting your partner by betting on high scores. Winner gets back rub, and so on, and so on. Or even better, NES carts or a night in the near future of uninterrupted retro gaming.

CONTRA
The run and gun classic game Contra is sure to boost your partnership's teamwork. Use the Contra code, when one of you dies offer a few lives for you to both continue. Warning: rocking Contra while listening to Guns 'N Roses as you plow through the game and defeat Red Falcon may cause an unexpected pregnancy.

DONKEY KONG
Donkey Kong was the first great love story of video gaming. Girl is kidnapped by ape, ape has many barrels at his disposal to chuck, an unsuspecting plummer in the fight of his life to save his girl. It's more romantic than any romantic comedy movie, except for maybe the love story of Captain Lone Starr and Princess Vespa in Spaceballs.

BUBBLE BOBBLE
I will admit I have never played this game. But since it's a co-op my wife and I will be playing as Bub and Bob on Valentines Day. As a kid, just looking at the box art I thought it was a game for my younger sister who loved blowing bubbles in the driveway. If it sucks I'll rant on Twitter to my fellow retro gamers, and then go buy my wife a present, something real nice, like the powerglove.

NES Memories: Spy vs Spy

2012-01-31T21:40:00.000-06:00

I was terrible with money as a kid. I've improved slightly as I've aged (at least I hope) but when it came to money in my childhood I had to spend it as quickly as possible. I received an allowance for light chores--cleaning my room, shoveling the driveway, picking up dog shit--and when I was paid I would invariably head down to the local card shop or arcade. At the card shop I could get a box of Topps hockey cards for $20. Even if I already had the complete set from that year I'd still buy more boxes because I loved ripping open packs and getting doubles of my favorite players like Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Patrick Roy, and Brett Hull. Though arcades were starting to thin out in the late 80's due to home video consoles, our local arcade was still the hub of the video game community in town. Plus, playing the arcade version of Double Dragon with your buddy was infinitely more entertaining than playing the NES port. At the arcade, high score games were challenged and bested, tips and cheats shared, new swear words learned, and even NES carts bartered or swapped. There was always one kid with a cup full of quarters willing to share because he wanted to beat a four-player game like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Some days (such as allowance days) I was that kid in Jams and a Rude Dog t-shirt, willing to share my toiled-for money to beat a video game and enter my initials on the fingerprint-smeared glass screen. So after a few hours, allowance money spent, I'm back at home, scheming for a way to squeeze more money out of my parents.

I had two magazine subscriptions as a kid: Nintendo Power and Mad magazine. The latter my mother vehemently argued against--she considered it as smutty as Playboy. My dad had a subscription to Mad as a kid and convinced my mother to get me a subscription by saying he would peruse the magazine beforehand to seek out questionable content for my ears and head. I never missed an issue.

Whenever I wasn't reading Nintendo Power I had a Mad magazine in my hands. My favorite Mad departments were The Lighter Side of..., Don Martin, any Star Wars spoof, and Spy vs Spy. I went through them quickly and reread back issues. I had an Alfred E. Newman shirt that read "What, Me Worry?", and the Mad Magazine board game, which played similar to Monopoly but the object of the game was to lose all your money. My dad found his old collection at my grandparents' house and gave them to me in a Coca-Cola wooden crate. I created my own Mad magazines, with my own Spy vs Spy and Don Martin strips, as well as a character named Spider-Moon who had a head shaped like a crescent moon. His shtick was that he was always running out of web and falling on his head. I still have them, tucked in a box somewhere in my house, probably near my Star Wars and He-Man action figures.

I bought only one NES cartridge in my childhood--all others I was lucky to receive as birthday and Christmas presents. My birthday is in December so sometimes my aunts and uncles would lump the two together to give me an NES game. The rest of the year I rented or temporarily traded with friends for new NES carts. That one lucky game I bought with mostly birthday money was Spy vs Spy.

I don't recall how I first found out about Spy vs Spy. Most likely a little snippet from Nintendo Power like "We are 'mad' about the Spy vs Spy game coming to you from the great people of Kemco." All I knew was that if there was a video game about Mad Magazine characters I had to have it. It didn't matter that I hadn't read any reviews or actually played the game. The only thing that mattered was that Mad Magazine would be on my Nintendo Entertainment System.

The day after my birthday my dad drove me to Toys 'R Us. Quite possibly the slowest drive of all time--every stoplight was red, endless throngs of people crossing the street, a goddamn frog trying to weave himself through traffic. After pulling into the parking lot the second my dad put the pick-up in park I was out the door. I was already in the store by the time he locked up and lit a cigarette. I cruised past the G.I. Joe aircraft carrier and Real Ghostbusters action figure displays. I glared at a kid as he loafed by pinching a video game slip between his fingers. There would be hell to pay if he grabbed the last slip for Spy vs Spy. (Quick aside. In the old, old days video games at Toys 'R Us were locked behind the register. If you wanted to buy a game you snagged a slip from the video game display box if there were any left and the clerk would retrieve your game behind a locked glass case). I was locked in, ready to ignore every NES game not named Spy vs Spy. I shuffled down the row looking for my familiar white and black spies. When I reached the "S" games my hands began to sweat. I rubbed my hands on my corduroys, glimpsed a display box that might look like Spy vs Spy, but were there enough slips left? I closed my eyes, lifting one lid slowly. There was a whole stack of Spy vs Spy game slips! I couldn't believe my luck. I peeled the slip from the pad as careful as I could, somehow afraid if I tore it I wouldn't be allowed to purchase the game. I held the slip in both hands, like I had just found the Golden Ticket in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. My dad came up from behind me and said the whole store smelled like cat piss.

I had the box open and manual read by the time we reached home. I was concerned the manual didn't have any Mad gag humor and that Aflred E. Newman wasn't mentioned, but figured he had to have some roll in the game. After all, how could Alfred E. Newman be omitted from a game starring characters from Mad Magazine. I dashed into the house and nearly leaped down the entire flight of stairs to my bedroom and popped the cartridge into the control deck. No blows into the cart, not even for good measure, this new game was pristine. I played for about an hour before I realized Alfred would not be waiting in a room for me to either give or take away a power-up, or that a Don Martin character wouldn't be yukking it up in a barber chair before his ears were cut off by mistake. I searched every room for something to like about this game but couldn't. The deaths were nothing funny like in the magazine, the hand-to-hand combat sloppy and boring, and the only humor was when someone died and floated to heaven. I expected every time a spy would die it would be because of a hundred missiles were fired at him at once or he was pushed off the ledge of a building and fell into a pool of razors. I hated the game for not being what I had imagined in my head.

For the next month I tried to force myself to like the game. I mean, come on, it was a Mad Magazine game! But it was nothing more then a Kemco game featuring characters from my favorite magazine. Had the game not had a dust sleeve, it would have collected dust. I lamented my purchase, knowing I could have bought a Mega Man or Castlevania game, or the new Zelda game. I exchanged the game with friends as often as I could for one of their games, but they were quick to return it back. I was stuck with it, an expensive decoration on my bookshelf, and reminder to research video games before you purchase.

Spy vs Spy is not a terrible game. It's average or slightly below. If I hadn't had the expectation this would be a silly Mad Magazine type video game, I may have enjoyed it. When I got back into retro gaming a few years ago and began to collect games like mad on eBay, Spy vs Spy was one of the first games I won for a measly price. I can't tell you why, I just needed to have it for my collection. Perhaps as a nostalgic reminder of the NES era I grew up with, or I'm still clinging to the fact that I could force myself to like the game. I guess it doesn't matter, because I still hate the damn thing.

Why I Play Retro Games

2012-01-18T20:28:00.000-06:00

I retro game because I'm awesome, good looking, and really dig getting sucked down green warp tunnels. Maybe the first two aren't true but you better believe I have a serious addiction to retro gaming--specifically the NES. I'm constantly checking the Twitter app on my phone looking for retro games other Tweeters recommend. I wait all week for Thursday to see if the Wii Virtual Console has returned from the dead. I read anything I can about NES games on Wikipedia and read reviews at GameFaqs, and blogs from other retro gamers. I check eBay for game lots, old Nintendo Power issues, the Power Glove, NES Advantage, the 1987 Official Nintendo Player's Guide for good deals. I brag to my wife about beating Super Star Wars for the billionth time. I take pictures of my daughter holding an NES controller. I've taken a vacation day from work just to play NES games I picked up at a flea market. I am a full-time Nintendo geek and I love every minute of it.

I'm one in about a million people who blog about video games and I understand that maybe what you read here you've probably already read elsewhere in some form or another. So why do I do it? Very simple: I love talking/writing about retro games as much as I enjoy playing them. I don't have many friends any more at my age who will play anything other then current-gen consoles, if they play video games at all. Which is fine--today's games are great--but today's games lack the simple-to-the-eye-yet-challenging pattern recognition that addicted so many gamers in the late 70's and 80's. I feel like when I play a game like Goldeneye on the Wii I become mindless, not really clear on why I bother playing the game other than to register more kills than the next player to get a fancier weapon.

I play retro NES games because of the discovery and wonder each game brings, of memorizing pattern recognition and timing it perfectly, of mastering new power-ups or jumps developers innovated with only two buttons to work with(one of my favorite's is Batman's wall jump), for having limited lives and not regenerative health, for needing to practice a level over and over through trial and error instead of just bulldozing through with muscle-flexing guns to reach the end point. It seems like every time I play Super Mario Bros. I discover a new hidden block of coins or a 1-up. I enjoy wandering Hyrule in The Legend of Zelda just to explore, listen to sweet tunes, and shoot swords at my enemies for rupees so I can gamble them away. I will only play Mike Tyson's Punch-Out--Mr. Dream is a pussy. Give me a sidescrolling platformer no matter how bad (i.e. Simpsons: Bart vs the Space Mutants or Karate Kid) and I'll be set for the night. I can always find at least one good reason to play any NES game.

As you get older it gets harder to find time to play video games. There's work, family, children (who will hopefully one day share your passion), and other chores, errands you never had to worry about as a ten-year-old gamer feverishly mashing buttons while playing Contra and guzzling Mountain Dew. I have to sneak in little gaming sessions. A quick run of Gradius while my wife gets our daughter ready for bed or a few levels of Double Dragon during her bath time. Pick up and play, no loading, no updates, maybe a few blows into the cartridge to ensure no glitches. Then it's a time warp to a more simple time in life--childhood.

NES Memories: WWF Wrestlemania

2012-01-07T11:35:00.000-06:00

It's easy to look back now and say WWF Wrestlemania for the Nintendo Entertainment System stinks, sucks, and licks butts. Not to me, however. I recently picked up this NES gem at a Pawn Shop for a measly $2, with enough money left over to get Demon Sword and Double Dragon III for under $12. I try to limit myself to spending ten bucks each time I go out adventuring for my favorite gray cartridge goodies, which usually means at least two games, and keeps me from going broke. I had serious 8-bit fever for WWF Wrestlemania as a kid, who like everyone else, loved Hulk Hogan and his 24-inch pythons, brother. I didn't own this one when I was a kid but had many hardcore tournaments at a friend's house with four or five other buddies. When my friend Jay first popped the game pak ( I still love that deceptive nomenclature, Nintendo) and a huge picture of the Hulkster's face flashed on the set-up screen I was blown away. I couldn't believe the graphics were that realistic and also couldn't imagine how home video games could get better. (Quick side note: I had this same thought on nearly every new NES game I played. It was just so cool to finally have arcade-like graphics on the Nintendo to play at home). My friends and I then drew cards to pick wrestlers--lowest card equaled first pick, which was always Hulk Hogan. Although there are only six wrestlers in the game, Acclaim at least chose six of the most popular of that era: Hogan, Andre the Giant, Honky Tonk Man, Bam Bam Bigelow, Macho Man Randy Savage, and The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase. Dibiase was always picked last--most likely because you didn't have Virgil's help outside the ring in this game. We played tournaments one after another, which usually led to everybody getting to use Hulk Hogan at least once. We cheered for the Hulkster's theme song "Real American," a cool little 8-bit rendition. We overlooked the fact that Hogan's trunks weren't yellow and were some weird kind of red/pink, and that there weren't any "real" wrestling moves except for punching and kicking. We also threw many controllers because it was difficult to have your wrestler pin your opponent due to funky controls. After a few tournaments we'd take a break to eat a snack my friend Jay invented--chocolate syrup melted over marshmallows. Directions: dump marshmallows on large plate and douse with chocolate syrup. Microwave for 45 seconds. Enjoy, and be sure to drink it down with some Mountain Dew.

Twenty-plus years later that is what I remember about WWF Wrestlemania. Hanging out with friends to play a rocking Wrestling game. Before last week I had not played the game since that brief period where Wrestlemania on the NES was all we could think about. I had read a few reviews, mostly bashing it for a few of the reasons I mentioned above, and the scores were around the 2-4 out of 10. I won't say this is a great game, far from it, I'm not even sure I'd call it a good game. But fond memories sometimes outweigh shoddy NES games. Not exactly a AAA NES game, but fun to pop into the console after a few blows into the cartridge, just to remember how it felt when Hulkamania was runnin' wild on the Nintendo Entertainment System.

Old NES Games Box Cover Art Variations

2011-12-29T11:41:00.000-06:00

Here are few variations of box cover art between North America and Europe. The NA box cover art used sprites to more accurately reflect what the gamer would be playing. Nintendo employed this tactic because of Atari's box cover art looked nothing like the game--and pretty much the Atari games sucked. E.T. anyone? I'd rather play the Typhoon stage in The Karate Kid then even touch the E.T. cartridge. Contra was released as a completely different game in Europe, with robots instead of Arnold Swarzenegger Commando rip-offs in the American release. At least the Konami code worked with both versions. Mega Man box cover art is some of the worst in history (and has been written about many times before so I won't go into it) and it looks like whatever continent the game was released on the box cover art was doomed to suck balls. It's amazing anyone bought the damn thing. That's it for now, just wanted to show off some cool box cover art variations I found. I will say the European ones were way sweeter.

3 New Old Nintendo Games Added to the Collection

2011-12-13T10:13:00.000-06:00

I just picked up 3 more NES games for $12 at Pawn America to bring my collection to a grand total of 67. I know Wrestlemania sucks but I had to own it, for some stupid reason I loved this game as a kid. But it is the dumbest f'n wrestling game ever made. My favorite wrestling game on the NES is Pro Wrestling, and Tecmo World Wrestling is pretty sweet too. All you do is punch and kick and hope to hit the right combo to pin your opponent. The only upside is it makes me feel like a kid again, holding tournaments with our buddies and hoping I didn't get the short straw and have to use Ted "The Million Dollar Man" Diabase as my wrestler. I missed out on Demon Sword as a kid but am having fun with it now. The controls are fluid with jumping from tree to tree and power-up ninja stars are cool. By the time Double Dragon III came out, I had already been playing Sonic and NHL Hockey on the Sega Genesis for a few years. I'll be playing the hell out of that bastard tonight.

I'm starting to wonder if I should try and collect all officially licensed Nintendo games, which there are nearly 800. I'll probably be 40 by the time that happens--will I even be gaming at that age. I sure hope so.

Finally watched the VGA's this morning. It sucks owning a Wii and seeing all these cool games like Skyrim V and Batman: Arkham City for Xbox 360 and PS3. At least the Wii has Zelda: Skyward Sword--which I'll be getting soon. I sent some compromising photos of Mrs. Claus to Santa so I'm guaranteed this game in my stocking. I can't wait for the Wii U next year so I can start playing AAA video games again, not to mention the sweet tablet-style controller. NOW YOU'RE PLAYING WITH POWER!