Nintendo Relaunch

REVIEW: Popeye

2011-05-08T18:03:00.004-04:00

Game: Popeye
Original Launch: June 1986
Relaunch: May 2011
Rating: 8 stars

Son, sit down next to me, as I want to tell you a tale. Once upon a time, many moons ago, there existed magical halls of lights and sounds. These vestibules of joy were filled with flashing colors, loud, eclectic noises, and change dispensers. The walls were lined with cabinets aglow, blaring wondrous light from their cathode-ray tubes. No, I don’t know what a cathode is. Yes, it’s on Wikipedia, but you’re getting off track. OK, OK… A cathode is an electrode through which electric current flows out of a polarized electrical device. There, now may I continue? Thank you. You’re worse than your sister.

Anyways, in these days of yore, within those hallowed bevies, tall boxes of glass, wood and plastic stood, and a miraculous alchemy of silicon and electricity brought forth amazing journeys of the mind; racing against the clock down beach-lined roads, protecting the world from alien invasion, destroying space rocks in a never-ending quasi-limbo, eating pellets. These halls of joy, dear son, were called Arcades. And for a very long time, Arcades were the home of the best possible graphics. Consider! To see the cutting edge of graphics technology, the state-of-the-art, as they say… No, I don’t know who “they” are. A Facebook group? “They” are a Facebook group? Son, we’ll discuss this later… wait, when did you get a Facebook account? You’re 5 weeks old. ANYWAYS, to partake in the era’s high water mark of gaming, one had to LEAVE THEIR HOUSE and GO TO A BRICK AND MORTOR PLACE OF BUSINESS. For some, the journey to the Arcade was an adventure itself. Sometimes it included hitchhiking. Sometimes, favors. Look, all I’m saying is if we ultimately got to the arcade and had money to play, the ends justified the means.

Arcades were the benchmark. The term “Arcade-quality graphics” sent young protonerds into a tizzy. The thought of having such visual candy in one’s own bedroom! Perish it.

*This strange device contained only one game. I kid you not.*

That is, until a small Japanese playing card company brought that reality to the cusp. The Nintendo Entertainment System, while not the leap to “Arcade-perfect graphics” many pined for, harkened in an age of digital glory, leaving behind the blocky dark ages of the Atari 2600 (although the 2600 really led to a deepening of one’s imagination to compensate for the simpler visuals, but I digress) and heralding “Arcade-close graphics.” Suddenly, the 4th wall disintegrated. The meta became meta-meta. Dogmatic notions crumbled. Arcade games could be played at home, and they almost-just-about-more-than-before resembled their Arcade counterparts! Heavens to Murgatroyd!

And so, my son, I hope you now grasp the importance of my task at hand: to review the Arcade-port of Popeye for the NES.

*Popeye volleyball is not a part of the official story arc.*

But first, backstory! Popeye is a sailor man. He comes from an age when heroes were ugly, damsels in distress were uglier, and obese men were fast. The premise of the Popeye canon (wow, it pains me to call it “canon”) is that Popeye, when not sailoring, is cyber bullied, back when it was called “bullying”, by the corpulent Bluto, or Brutus, depending on which fanfic you subscribe to. Bluto’s sole purpose in life is to butthurt Popeye’s “girlfriend”, an anorexic bulimic that cannot stay in the kitchen named Olive Oil. Olive Oil is a shrill, cold women that could squeeze blood from a stone just by talking to it. There is another overweight fop named Wimpy. Wimpy is a pan-handler with a meat addiction. There is also a baby involved in this fiasco by the name of Sweet Pea. The parents of this child are unknown, and I can only imagine that the psychological scarring incurred by this infant led to the child entering into the arena of flapper throwback porn in the early 1950’s. Sad, but probably not true.

Popeye was a cartoon star from the 1930’s that some genius felt would be a proper basis for a video game some two generations after he was actually relevant. The name of that genius is none other than Shigeru motherfucking Miyamoto, beeyotch. That’s right. Donkey Kong was supposed to be a Popeye vehicle. Read that line again. Bricks have been shat, your diaper is full, and you just lost The Game. Wikipedia that shit, if you think it’s just another one of my fatherly tall tales. And son, again, Popeye was a sailor. That gives me free reign to cuss like one.

*Bluto is now human, your argument is invalid.*

Popeye is a fine example of arcade action from the glory days. You play as Popeye (sorry for the spoiler), running around on one of three levels, chasing after shit that Olive Oil drops. These things include hearts, musical notes, and the letters H E L P, although she was clearly asking for it. What? Asking for what? Oh, um, cookies, son. She was asking for cookies. Anyways, you are constantly being chased by Bruto as you scurry to nab Olive’s cries for attention before they land in the drink and sink. If but a single whine drowns before you can get to it, its game over, sailor. This game taught me exactly what the term “anxiety” meant way before adulthood would drive the point home; once in the water, the subtle background music changes to a tune that replays in my head whenever I’m on a deadline. The music says IF YOU MISS THIS YOUR DEATH IS IMMINENT AND YOU DON’T LOVE OLIVE YOU SHIT.

While collecting Olive’s droppings, you face even more anxiety in the form of Blutus. Bruti chases you around each level, throwing beer cans whenever he gets a bead on you. Add to this a Sea Hag on the later levels, vultures that hate you, and Popeye’s inability to swim (he’s a fucking sailor!) and you begin to realize that you’re trapped in a looping limbo. Ahh, arcade games! Popeye does experience some respite, in the form of cans of spinach. The cans will phase in and out of reality, and if Popeye is lucky enough to punch one while its on our plane of existence, he will acquire the strength to kill the Blutos. Apparently, Popeye has a spinach allergy; once a can is punched, he turns all red. The allergic reaction (and the strange coincidental occurrence of his theme music) lets Broto know to high-tail it the fuck out of there. God help you if the allergy ends moments before knocking Brulo out; Popeye will be within ass-whipping distance of that massive load.

*You caught all of my hearts! Now do it again, and mean it this time.*

In this reviewer’s humble opinion, my dear son, the arcade experience did not come home until Nintendo released the Nintendo Entertainment System. While the NES didn’t have the high resolution to be found within arcade cabinets, the gameplay was smoother and closer to their arcade counterparts than ever before. Popeye for the NES, a vehicle surprisingly made by Mr. Mario himself, is a fine example of this. It’s an entertaining pick-up-and-play arcade game. It provides a descent difficulty curve, throwing more obstacles your way as you progress through the game. The game also provides some tactical elements when it comes to manipulating Brotus to go a certain way. And with the erratic way the objects float down, the game never plays the same twice.

I bestow upon ye 8 stars, Popeye der Matrose Menschen.

Oh, dear Dream Machine, how I miss thee.

Review in a Haiku

Olive Oil’s hearts.

She makes Popeye go get them;

It’s never enough.

REVIEW: Gumshoe

2011-02-19T18:22:00.008-05:00

Game: Gumshoe
Original Launch: June 1986
Relaunch: February 2011
Rating: 8 Stars

If you want space ships, commandos, or dragon slaying, the NES has you covered. You’ve got tons of sports games, jet fighters out the wazoo and more ninja than you can shake a wakizashi at. But the NES didn’t get many gritty noir thrillers and if we are being honest, this isn’t one of them. What we have here is a light gun platformer that offers something lacking in a lot of NES games, originality.

*Where am I going to find a 5 inch Black Panther?*

You play a P.I. named Stevenson who runs constantly to the right. Bottles, rocks, gangsters and all sorts of enemies will fly at Stevenson and it is the player’s job to keep him safe. Shoot the enemies before they can hit you and shoot Stevenson to make him jump. You can keep shooting Stevenson to effectively make him fly but often you have to divide your attention between his jumping and eliminating enemies. You don’t have a life bar so one hit kills you and sends you back to the checkpoint. And unless you are using the continue trick you only have a few lives to beat the game. Did I mention that you have limited ammo and have to keep picking up balloons to add ammo? Running out of ammo means you can’t shoot or jump and leaves you dead within seconds. And don't forget about the time limit.

*Not pictured: Unceasing death and aggravation.*

Stevenson is out to save his daughter who was kidnapped by King Dom and to do this he needs to find 5 black diamonds. These diamonds may not appear unless you pick the right path through a level (over or under specific platforms) and missing a diamond means having to repeat levels 1 through 5 all over again. The enemies are a strange and random mix of the obvious to the bizarre. I can see why mobsters want you dead, but why do armadillos hate you? If you make it to the end of level 5 with all of the diamonds you get to fight the one-eyed fireball spitting demon in charge of the mob. They should have ended Godfather 3 the same way.

The important part here is that this game is fiercely difficult. Without using the continue trick (shooting like mad at the Game Over screen) I could barely make it to level 2. The levels get progressively tougher so expect to wear out a Zapper or two if you intend to beat the game. The enemies are typically tiny and fast and most of the time a miss means death. The game is packed with cheap kills and frustration. The game play experience is comparable to playing a blisteringly difficult gun game (“To The Earth” comes to mind) and Balloon Fight at the same time. I remember beating this game back in the day and I remember the last boss fight being pretty slick. However I couldn’t come close now so either I must really suck in my old age or I must have been sitting right on top of the TV back then. The road to hell is paved with broken controllers.

*Diverse environments and a wide variety of enemies will all dance on your grave.*

It might sound like I didn’t enjoy Gumshoe but the fact is that it is one of my favorite NES light gun games. Gumshoe was the first light gun platformer for the NES and this is a light gun sub-genre that isn’t particularly well represented. The game is teaming with strangeness and the bizarre mix of themes keep things fresh right up to the end. And then there is the difficulty. This game is old school hard and it doesn’t apologize. If you can’t hack it, go back to Duck Hunt. But this game rewards the player for time invested in it and fans of light gun games will find themselves coming back again and again. It is by far the most robust and complete game experience of the first generation NES gun games and if you can deal with the difficulty you will have fun.

Review in a Haiku
Kicking like Luigi
Sam Spade dies a thousand deaths
Noir bullet hell.

REVIEW: Urban Champion

2010-12-20T18:27:00.005-05:00

Game: Urban Champion
Original Launch: November 1985
Relaunch: December 2010
Rating: 2 stars

Wow.

Wow.

This game needs a re-boot.

Oh, “Hi” again loyal flock. Simon here and I've been cursed with two related obsessions:
1.I love fighting games.
2.I love NES classics.

The two used to be mutually exclusive and, except for the occasional “River City Ransom” or “Karate Champ”, I had never seen a fighting game similar to the likes of Street Fighter II. Until now.

Urban Champion!
With AWESOME 2 Player options!
Urban Champion!
With multiple stages!
Urban Champion!
With large characters......
Urban Champion!
With a crappy fatality!!!
Urban Champion!
With pure unadulterated 8-bit sound!
Yes, I said a fatality!

Before we get to that, let's go over the logistics. It's a 1 to 2 Player head-to-head fighter. It's set in a non-descriptive urban locale. You have 5 colors on your character (as opposed to 4) and FIVE different attack and dodge functions!

As the game starts out, you are a nameless street warrior bent on getting to the right side of the screen. But you have a secret...you are slowly dying of what I can only describe as a sentient Lou Gehrig disease with a sense morality. Each time your aggression gets the better of you and you attack, you lose health. But what challenges do you face you ask? You must fight your palate-swapped evil twin brother, COM. Along the way to defeating COM, you are assaulted by flowerpots that violate terminal velocity and the shame that you get from playing this game.

Your moves list are as follows:
A+Down= Low Jab
A+Up= High Jab
B+Down= Body Blow
B+Up= Hay-maker
Left= Dodge

Not too bad for a reeeeellllllllllyyyyyyy crappy game. What? I didn't warn you ahead of time? Well, if you want to get out of the car now when we're almost done with the trip, I wouldn't blame you.
I was throwing haymakers the whole time and, if I didn't want to live anymore, I would have been punching COM into the sewer forever. (Can 'forever' be two words? For ever. Naahh, it doesn't look right.) When you knock out your opponent, or when you get knocked out, the intended target falls into an open manhole. (Can 'manhole' be two words? Man hole? Yeah, it looks funnier that way.) When COM falls into the man hole, another COM pops out of nowhere to take his place. I think the best way to make this game salvageable would be to put you in black leather, a black trench coat, and sunglasses and put COM in a black suit and call it Neo vs. Agent Smiths.

I can't wait until Urban Champion II: Warring Warriors Warring

Review in a Haiku
Urban Champion
Don't think about playing this
You thought, didn't you

-Simon-

REVIEW: Hogan's Alley

2010-12-10T09:30:00.001-05:00

Game: Hogan's Alley
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: December 2010
Rating: 3 Stars

Do you love light guns but are sick of laughing dogs? Do you think target identification is the best part of a shooter? Do you have difficulty shooting the broad side of a barn? Then Hogan’s Alley may be for you! Hogan’s Alley is a light gun shooter that attempts to replicate a police training simulation. I guess law enforcement standards are slipping because the game allows you a ton of mistakes and the enormous stationary targets are nearly impossible to miss.

*PROTIP: Pick GAME C.*

You get three game modes to choose from. Hogan’s Alley A is a strict target range simulation with three targets presented. When the targets are revealed, the player will have a limited amount of time to identify and shoot the criminals in the batch. The best thing about this mode is that it actually could help hone your skills on target recognition as a practical skill. However, sticking with the convention of rolling out the targets and then flipping them is tedious and unnecessary. You can expect to spend much more time waiting for targets to slowly roll onto the board than you will spend shooting at them. Imagine Duck Hunt if you had to spend 10 seconds watching the ducks paddle around in a pond before you could shoot them. Also, while the time available to shoot tends to decrease as the rounds go on, it is still variable and may one round may give you significantly less time than the next. It would make more sense if it gradually and steadily decreased as the player progressed.

*The Professor and his identical meth head brother.*

Hogan’s Alley B is similar to A but has a bit more atmosphere. The target range gets an urban setting and the target layout and behavior changes slightly. This mode is a bit more interesting than the first and it does cut down on the waiting between rounds, but it still gets old pretty quickly. After your first time through the different screens, you will have seen all there is to see. You are still picking targets and avoiding civilians, but when the tedium sets in, it is difficult not to blast everything in sight. Of particular note is the Professor who dresses EXACTLY like one of the gang members in an attempt to draw your fire and bait the department into a costly law suit. If you can avoid shooting him out of spite, you are a better man than I.

*This is as good as it ever gets.*

They saved the best for last with Trick Shot. In this mode, tin cans will fly onto the screen from the right and you must shoot them to keep them in the air and moving all the way to the gaps on the left side for varying amounts of points. There is a bit of strategy in that the more dangerous lower gap give you more points and it will take quick and accurate shooting to keep scoring. This mode is by far the most entertaining and there is a bit of strategy in how you keep the cans aloft and how to maximize your score. There is plenty of shooting here and the smaller, moving targets does ratchet up the challenge. Probably the best part is that Professor jerk face is nowhere to be found.

*It's like using a Colt to sort your recycling.*

It’s unfortunate that the main modes of Hogan’s Alley just aren’t much fun. It might be worth some time if you are actually trying to cultivate target recognition skills, but it’s going to take a lot of patience. You have to make 10 mistakes before the game ends, and I’m not sure why the game gives you so many chances. Three would have been sufficient, even for the faster paced Trick Shot mode. Ten chances stretches the games out for far too long. Trick Shot is quite an amusing shooting mini-game, and any enjoyment to be found in Hogan’s Alley is here. If the other modes were as fun, then we could have had a bull-eye here. As it stands, most people will have more fun with Duck Hunt.

Review in a Haiku
Shooting and snoozing.
Self inflicted light gun wounds.
Thank god for the cans.

REVIEW: Donkey Kong Jr.

2010-12-05T19:03:00.008-05:00

Game: Donkey Kong Jr.
Original Launch: June 1986
Relaunch: December 2010
Rating: 6 stars

Greetings all nerds!

(For those non-nerds reading, I will try not to exclude you any further. I will try to horn in some words to garner your attention. Like football, Monster truck, rabies, candelabra, and rap-music.)

Simon here and I've been given the opportunity to review the near and dear classic, Donkey Kong Jr. The game itself is a breaking of tradition from the original Donkey Kong. This sequel's name actualy makes more narrative sense. Why would you name a game after the penultimate villain? It's like calling Super Mario Brothers, "Koopa." Tetris, "Z-Block." Football, "The Other Team." Or Metroid, "Mother Brain."

The dialog that I assume occurred after the events of Donkey Kong, go something like this:

Mario: Pauline! I'm-a so happy my carpentry skills of-a swingin' a hammer has-a freed you!

Pauline: Oh Mario!

Mario: This-a giant ape with purple and yellow stars orbiting his unconscious head has-a to pay for his barrel throwing and kidnapping!

Pauline: But Mario, what court in the world would prosecute this 16x16 pixel brute?!

Mario: They won't-a have to! I'm gonna build a cage and capture some tiny alligators and other assorted animals to hinder anyone who may have a soft spot in their heart for this 2-dimensional being!

Pauline: Oh Mario! Your aggression towards animals makes me so happy!
Mario and Pauline embrace.

Donkey Kong Jr. glares at them from behind a flaming barrel and runs off around the corner.

This all happened in 1982.

Let's begin the actual game review. The game pops right up with a catchy tune with a selection of 1 Player or 2 Player. It's a very solid presentation. Retro enthusiasts will adore the simple black background, which is present throughout the entire game. It gives the moving characters that certain “pop” that you can't get with any other game.

The control. (If I could put a Picard Facepalm right here, I would. That's one thing I give the ancient Egyptians: they had a whole cartouche to work with: Bird, wavy water, Picard, bird.) This Jr. Kong handles worse than a Monster truck doing the job of a Zamboni. And, to top it off, the “I can touch that“ meter is waaaay off. For one, you'll be climbing up a vine and your hand easily makes it past the encephalitic red alligator and all of a sudden, he bites your teeny tiny toe and you plummet to your pre-diabetic death. So, you've now assumed that, “Hey, the tiny overlap of 4 pixels applies to damage. Awesome, I can balance my primate off of this minuscule precipice.” ---- “FFFFFFFUUUUUUUU” And you fall. Three feet. And die. One out of three, gone.

You only have one action button, A for jump and the D-pad for the obvious. Also, if you make yourself walk into anything that isn't a fruit, chain, or vine, you will die. Ideal for those with terminal rabies.

The first level is easy enough. The vine you need to get started is literally right there above the crotch-exposing Donkey (I'm assuming that “Kong” is his last name, like the Mario Bros.) Just a couple of fruit-grabbing arm stretches; you are a couple of jumps away from tea-bagging Mario. Why Donkey just stands on the platform after he bests Mario confuses me.

“Ahhh! That purple buzzard bit my butt!!!” Is all you'll be emitting in the second level. Surprisingly, the 3^rd level, TRON, is pretty easy.

*Not TRON, but close enough*

The 4^th level must be the final level I assume, because Donkey senior is at the top and dead center. And I never passed it. (That's a lie. The game just cycles back around to the first level like sampled rap-music) And, after the futuristic Metropolis of level three, there is nowhere else one can go.

The way the vines hang exactly like an upside down candelabra just teases Donkey from rescuing his dad. The variation of music when you “free” your dad is unexpected for a first gen Nintendo game. The only sense of “defeating” is the frustration you get after falling because you hit your head on the floating platform.

Overall, the graphics are nice and crisp, something I'd like to see in Super Mario Crossover. Sound effects, heavy handed (walk left, blurp-tee, blurp-tee, blup-tee.). The music was surprising. But the replay value is horrendous.

Review in a Haiku

Must rescue my Dad!
That banana's not worth it.
This level again?

-Simon-

REVIEW: Wrecking Crew

2010-11-29T07:56:00.012-05:00

Game: Wrecking Crew
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 8 stars

Wrecking Crew in an action puzzle game that pits Mario as a construction (destruction?) worker whose job it is to break stuff.

*I encourage you to click play and listen to Wrecking Crew's great tunes while you read the review.*

Mario's tool of choice is his trusty hammer, which he apparently stole from the Donkey Kong work site. The objective of the game is to smash all that is smash-able. While attempting to ruin a lot of hard work put in by others, non-jumping Mario must stay one step ahead of those that pursue him: disturbing walking wrenches named Gotchawrenches, which give me nightmares, and guys dressed in Intel clean-room bunny suits named Eggplant Men. Eggplant Men are normally found at constructions sites, so this makes perfect sense. If you think about, these guys are the real heroes of the game, as they are trying to protect some unfortunate developer's financial interests from some Italian asshole with a hammer.

Anyways, dick around too long without breaking anything, and a fireball will manifest and stream across the level at which the dilly-dallying occurred. So move your ass and get to the vandalizing. Once all blocks are busted and breakable ladders are down, the level is complete. There is also an NPC named Spike the Foreman that shows up during bonus levels and on some regular levels to interrupt your flow. I'll expound upon that dumbass in a bit.

I need to point out early on in this review just how much I love the music of Wrecking Crew. When you start a level, you are greeted with a quick little tune as the level is revealed to you from the top to the bottom. The tune says to me, "Do-do do-do-do do do, Here's a construction site, now go and start breaking shit up." (Go ahead, sing that when a level starts, it fits.) Once the level begins, the background tune is the happiest fucking music to break stuff to, ever. It's a cool, flowing melody that I find myself humming while I break stuff in real life. Also, it's a relatively long tune for an NES game, especially a release title. The tune doesn't loop for a while. The music fits this game; it's advantageous of you to stay in motion as much as possible, what with the constant threat of aliens and angry tools, and the music reflects this, while not lending itself to a heightened sense of anxiety. Even the death tune is kind of like, "Oh well, you died, but maybe you'll do better next time" (You can't sing along with that verse.)

*Never to be heard from again, it is believed that Spike the Foreman was given a "cement nap" by Mario after level 100.*

Wrecking Crew has an interesting twist in the way of Spike The Foreman, an NPC that shows up to break stuff along side you. Initially, you only see him on the bonus levels, but then he shows up on some regular levels. Spike is annoying, because while he increases the challenge, he can ruin a level by smashing a required breakable ladder or by hammering a bomb before you ascend said ladder to take out blocks, forcing a mulligan. Dumb fuck. If you're going to compete with me, don't ruin it for the both of us.

Speaking of annoyances, shouldn't a hammer work as a weapon? Not in this game. An enemy touches you, and you are dead. There are a few ways of dealing with enemies, none of which include direct skull bashing. There are doors on some levels; if opened while an enemy walks toward them, the enemies will automatically enter and roam around behind the scenes. This takes them out of the picture for a little bit. You can also stun enemies buy hammering a bomb while they are on the same level, or by destroying a breakable ladder that they are climbing. There is one other way of managing them, which requires ninja-like gaming reflexes: trap them in a barrel. There are breakable pillars that are not a part of the required breakables, some of which have barrels over them. Although the odds of death are high, time it just right and the pursuing enemy will be trapped within the fallen barrel for the duration of the game. Time it wrong, and you are in the barrel. Pro tip: trap that asshole Spike to prevent his level-ruining shenanigans.

*This won't end well. If only I had a hammer... oh, wait.*

The game is fun, but not without some minor frustrations. There are occasional dead ends. You can circumstantially ruin a game by falling between two barrels, getting caught in a falling barrel, or destroying a ladder that leads to unbroken breakable objectives. With the exception of being trapped in a barrel, you must either allow an enemy to kill you, or await the Fireball of Impatience to put an end to your futile effort. If you're within a barrel, you're fucked, as you will have to reset the game by pressing select and thus lose your current score. Overall, though, this isn't a big deal.

I think that there is something primal within all human beings that enjoys the act of breaking shit. Go ahead, smash a beer bottle, I'll wait. See? Feel that adrenaline rush? It's a caveman response to thoughtless action that stays with us today. That's the appeal of Wrecking Crew. We love breaking shit. Rawr! HULK SMASH! And while there hasn't been a sequel to Wrecking Crew (outside of Japan, that is,) breaking stuff is a part of most current games. Ever play Burnout? How about Boom Blox? Perhaps a little-known series entitled Grand Theft Auto?

So, you see, even 25 years ago, Nintendo knew to tap into that primal element of humanity through a video game. Add to this some of the catchiest tunes ever and 100 levels of puzzle challenge, and Wrecking Crew holds up. I'm giving Wrecking Crew a solid 8 Stars, the Terrific Tunes stamp, the Praiseworthy Puzzler stamp, as well as the coveted Test of Time stamp.

Review in a Haiku
"Under construction"?
That's just an invitation
to smash everything.

REVIEW: Golf

2010-11-24T06:54:00.002-05:00

Game: Golf
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 6 Stars

Golf on the NES is a game where a Mario knock-off guy tries to hit a tiny ball into a tiny hole 18 times. In keeping with the spirit of the links (the grassy kind, not Zelda’s boyfriend) I will attempt to review this game in scorecard format.

Above Par

+ Golf has an excellent club selection with 14 clubs. All your irons, woods, wedges and a putter are represented.

+ Have you played Wii Sports Golf? Then you will recognize the course right away. The 9 holes of Wii Sports golf are based on the holes from NES Golf.

*ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!?!?!*

+ Timing the swing was tricky enough to be consistently challenging. Adjusting the force of your club swing never feels unfair.

+ The first time I actually hit par on a hole was oddly thrilling. Pulling off the shot you want is a rewarding experience.

+ Intuitive enough that a non-sports gamer like myself felt comfortable with the interface after the first hole.

+ Aiming putts is consistent and accurate. I wish I could putt this well in Wii Sports Golf.

+ Two player mode is fun and competitive.

+ Fills the elusive “Games my Mom Could Play” niche.

+ Mario! Sort of. Because the features aren't quite spot on it feels like Mario concept art and that gives it some small degree of street cred.

In the Rough

- Golf?! Really?! That’s the best name the chimps in marketing could come up with?

- The course design feels random. Often you will find the fairway to be a series of islands.

*A course is a course, of course, of course.*

- There is a line of trees to indicate the Out of Bounds line, but beyond that is all blackness. It’s like the Langoliers ate the rest of the world.

- There is no distance indicator/estimator built into the interface. The only way you know how far your stroke of any given club will go is by your own experience.

- The lack of a running score card makes it difficult to chart your progress per hole.

- The view of Mario swinging the club is useless. The change in terrain that shows at his feet seems random and does not add any new information to the screen.

- The aiming for the drives and chips is horrible. Why not use the excellent aiming present when putting?

- Since the game is turn based, they could have implemented 4 players easily by sharing a single controller. This would have really helped since sports games tend to be more fun in groups.

- No in-game music. And a congratulatory theme after each hole would have been nice. Sound is sparse.

*Slow, SLOW DOWN, WHY WON'T YOU STOP ROLLING!!*

I believe Mark Twain defined Golf video games as good sit spoiled. This prototypical Golf game seems to hit birdies and bogies in equal number. It would make sense to score this game right down the middle, but the fun factor counts for a lot. Even though I had decided before I started that I was going to hate this game, I ended up having a lot of fun with it. I can see myself coming back to Golf in the future. One could do worse than to spend some time with Golf.

Review in a Haiku
Swing, cheer, swing, grumble,
Swing, swear, swing, throw controller,
Swing, sigh, putt, putt, plop.

REVIEW: Baseball

2010-11-22T10:31:00.000-05:00

Game: Baseball
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 6 stars

*Don't say they didn't warn you*

The NES launched in America with several sports games: Football, Tennis, Golf, and Baseball. Baseball might be the best of the bunch. It has a fair amount of issues, for sure; but the controls are fairly in depth for a sports game of its time, and the multiplayer can be pretty fun.

Baseball has one mode: a 9-inning exhibition game that you can either play against the computer or a friend. You can choose from one of six teams: A, C, D, P, R, or Y.

*The old school rivalry: A vs R*

The letters are supposed to represent the Athletics, Cardinals, Dodgers, Phillies, Royals, and Yankees. No specific players are mentioned in the game, however the color schemes for each team are about right.

Pitching is my favorite part of the game, even though it can be frustrating at times. You have four pitches to choose from (fastball, changeup, curve, and screwball), and you can actually move the pitch left and right after you throw the ball. You can even try to pick off the baserunners, though I've never been successful. (On the other hand, every time I even think of stealing a base, the computer picks me off.) If you make a mistake or throw the ball right down the middle, the computer will usually make you pay. And similar to Nintendo's Tennis game, if the ball is out of the strike zone, the computer will rarely swing at it.

*This ball hit me in the face, and I still swung*

Hitting is pretty simple. Swing the bat, hit the ball. You can stop your swing halfway to try to bunt. The timing of your swing determines where you hit the ball. Unlike the computer, who's plate discipline is uncanny, I will swing at pretty much every piece of crap they throw. [SPORTS JOKE ALERT] If the computer is Tony Gwynn, I am Mario Mendoza.

So far, this game sounds pretty good, right? That's because we haven't talked about the fielding yet. Sweet Sammy Sosa, the fielding is atrocious in this game. There were times I wasn't even positive my controller was plugged in. The developers even knew the fielding mechanisms were terrible, but apparently, they figured this disclaimer would be good enough:

I really can't tell you how annoying the fielding is. If the computer's hit made it into the outfield, the ball invariably rolled past my guys all the way to the wall. Then I just ran in circles like a bumbling idiot while the computer circled the bases. Is the computer controlling my defenders? Am I controlling the left fielder or the center fielder? Do I have a mental disability? I honestly don't know after playing this game.

The two player mode is much more enjoyable. The fielding is still just as terrible, but at least you're both swinging at balls in the dirt and getting inside-the-park home runs on grounders to the short stop. The game kind of drags on, especially with no music (except during home runs) and few sound effects. Expect to take the better part of an hour to play one game.

*Game set, team P!*

Baseball for NES got a lot of things right. The pitching and hitting set the bar for games to come like R.B.I. Baseball and Baseball Stars. I love that you can choose from some actual MLB teams, even if it doesn't really mean anything. Unfortunately, the fielding is so bad, Baseball loses most of its replay value.

Review in a Haiku
Errors in the field,
Overshadowing the game,
It is a damn shame.

Coming soon...Wrecking Crew!

2010-11-19T09:22:00.002-05:00

REVIEW: Clu Clu Land

2010-11-16T13:41:00.004-05:00

Game:Clu Clu Land
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 5 Stars

When I was a kid, I honestly thought this game was about the dudes with the white pointy hats. I mean it always struck me as kind of odd that they would have their own game, and I kind of assumed they were the bad guys in said game...but I didn’t get the plumber-mushroom-turtle connection with Mario either so I just wrote it off as one of those strange Japanese things. It turns out the hat guys have a slightly different name, and Clu Clu Land is actually about Bubbles the Bubblefish trying to recover the treasure of the sea kingdom from some jerk face sea urchins called the Unira.

*Clu Clu review, Mrs. Robinson.*

The catch is that the treasure is invisible and you are being chased by the angry sea urchin critters. You run all over the field and trip over the gold bars (which look like Rupees from Zelda) by chance. Typically the treasure is laid out in a symmetrical pattern to make a picture so that once you find enough, you can estimate the rest by anticipating the design. Clu Clu Land plays a bit like a wide open version of Pac Man if all the dots and the occasional obstacles were invisible. You can stun the enemies with your Sound Wave (sea urchin have ears?) and crush them into walls for bonus points.

*Avoid the Unira. Which are probably contagious.*

The hook to the game play is the directional control. When you change direction, you hang an arm out to grab hold the poles that make up the grid and spin yourself around. You can tap the D Pad to make a quick turn, or hold it down to spin around and around. This is probably the most original feature of the game, and while I found it to be originally quite off-putting, I grew to appreciate the strategy that it added. You can’t just head off to the other side of the screen, you have to plan a path based on obstacle and enemy locations and use careful timing to pull it off successfully. That being said, the control is never quite intuitive and causes more deaths than the enemies do.

*Clu Clu Land on cards?! What a deal!*

What replay value that Clu Clu Land has comes from trying to top your previous high score. This may be fine for old school gamers, but don’t look for an ending to this one. The game has 22 levels and if you can get that far, it repeats with having to run over each bar twice. There is also some fun to be had with two player mode which is simultaneous. Trying to score higher than player two leads you to take more chances and is generally more fun than playing by yourself, but not by much.

Clu Clu Land is the first NES entry into the maze game genre. However, Pac Man is still the biggest shark in that pond, and when you compare the two games side to side, Clu Clu loses badly. This is one of those times when the designers go out on a limb and try something new and it doesn’t quite pan out. On its own, it was a fun diversion that manages to be briefly amusing despite the handicap of its controls scheme.

Review in a Haiku
Try to play Pac Man
Blindfolded and with your feet.
Behold! Clu Clu Land!

Duck Hunt shirt

2010-11-15T07:50:00.000-05:00

Woot has a cool Duck Hunt shirt for sale (today only!) for $10.

Play It: Wrecking Crew

2010-11-14T18:00:00.000-05:00

To prepare for tomorrow's review, play the underrated puzzle game Wrecking Crew.

REVIEW: 10-Yard Fight

2010-11-12T14:09:00.004-05:00

Game: 10-Yard Fight
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 2 stars

Sometimes there are some games that come along,
These games aren't very fun or very strong,
They need to be reviewed; all of them do,
But we don't want to bore with the review,
So in an effort to help you tonight,
In iambic verse is how I'll write:

There are five difficulties in this game,
While they grow strong, your skill remains the same,
In order to advance to the next round,
A touchdown is the goal that must be found.

There is no point in attempting a pass,
The defense always intercepts your ass,
If they are even slightly in your way,
They pick the ball; they always make you pay.

*Not only is he humping my face, he is also intercepting my pass.*

There are occasions when they're kind of dumb,
Like on kickoffs or just a simple run,
Criss-cross the field, run backwards if you must,
They won't catch you; they will just eat your dust.

*Pro tip: run all the way to the left, then block them all at once.*

Though you can beat all of the other guys,
There is one thing you do that I despise:
It's like your cleats are filled with lead or stone,
You move so slow, it makes me have to groan.

Frustration is the theme of 10-Yard Fight,
It's rarely fun and doesn't get much right,
With so much wrong with it, it isn't whole,
I cannot wait till I play Tecmo Bowl.

Review in a Haiku
Diagonal lines:
Run in them, and you will score.
Computer is dumb.

25th Anniversary Super Mario Brothers Cake

2010-11-10T09:43:00.001-05:00

The cake makers at Pink Cake Box have made the best Mario cake you'll probably ever see.

Shigeru Miyamoto cut the cake in Rockefeller Center, celebrating Nintendo's 25th anniversary:

Junior, I am disappoint.

2010-11-10T09:18:00.000-05:00

If Bowser was smart

2010-11-07T13:03:00.000-05:00

REVIEW: Donkey Kong Jr. Math

2010-11-05T05:45:00.002-04:00

Game: Donkey Kong Jr. Math
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 4 stars

Donkey Kong Jr. Math was a bomb. It was the worst selling NES launch title. It was an "edutainment" game that did so poorly, Nintendo canceled the Education Series in the U.S. and shot the person who came up with the word "edutainment." It's widely regarded as awful, embarrassing, confusing, and just plain boring.

But I kind of liked it.

*I think I'm doing it wrong.*

The main menu gives you three options: Calculate A, Calculate B, and +−×÷ Exercise. Calculate A is two players, where player 1 controls Donkey Kong Jr. and player 2...also controls Donkey Kong Jr. Well, a pink Donkey Kong Jr. Perhaps a sister? Perhaps just a fashionable friend? According to the manual, it's not nearly that exciting. The characters are Junior (I) and Junior (II). Papa (Donkey Kong) holds up a number, and the players race to make a math problem that equals that number.

It's pretty simple when you're just trying to add up to 49. Grab a 7, a multiplication sign, another 7...BAM. You win the round.

*WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME!*

But when you're trying to get to -649 and other negative numbers in Calculate B, it's a little harder. The winner of the round gets an apple. First player to five apples wins a spot standing next to Papa while the other Junior is left having a seizure down below.

This mode can actually be pretty fun when you have a second player (assuming you are both nerds).

*WHO AM I!*

Maybe I'm just too competitive, but I like stealing the division sign out from under my opponent or laughing at him when he falls in the water and Junior's eyeballs bulge out. You should be able to get a few rounds of fun from this mode every once in a while. And if you need to make things a little harder, use only multiplication and division signs.

*I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!*

You can pretend you're doing math homework with the +−×÷ Exercise mode. If you're OCD and aiming for a perfect score, this mode is frustrating as hell. There are 10 questions, each worth 100 points. If you get a digit wrong or hesitate for even a second, you lose points. It's hard to tell exactly what digit you're selecting since the numbers are on one side of the screen, and you're climbing a rope on the other side. If you climb even ever-so-slightly past the correct digit, kiss your perfect score good-bye. If you really can't figure out the math problem, you can just skip it, but you don't get any points.

Donkey Kong Jr. Math can be a fun game. It's not great, but it's not as terrible as most people are making it out to be. You're not going to get hours of enjoyment out of it. You're not going to take a picture your high score and have your mom put it on the fridge. But if you've got a friend and are tired of Scattergories, pop this in for a few rounds. If the one-player mode had tighter controls, this game would get a better rating.

Donkey Kong Jr. Math is barely educational. If you don't already know your multiplication tables, you're going to struggle. But it is mildly entertaining, even if it's only for 15 minutes at a time.

Review in a Haiku
Monkeys doing math,
disguised as an arcade game,
It's Edutainment!

Play It: Donkey Kong Jr. Math

2010-11-04T09:36:00.000-04:00

You know you're bored right now. So prepare for tomorrow's review and play Donkey Kong Jr. Math in your browser.

Oh, and you'll need to study this too.

Koopa Gets a Star

2010-11-04T06:02:00.000-04:00

Can you jump over the flagpole?

2010-11-03T19:47:00.000-04:00

Video Games | Pop-Fiction | Episode 2: Mario Flagpole

XBox 360 | Playstation 3 | Nintendo Wii

I refuse to believe this. I REFUSE!!

If Super Mario Bros. was made in 2010

2010-11-03T13:59:00.000-04:00

It's funny because it's true. And kids today are dumb.

Awesome job here by Zack Hiwiller. Check out his site.

REVIEW: Super Mario Bros.

2010-11-03T06:37:00.002-04:00

Game: Super Mario Bros.
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 10 stars

I can hardly imagine a reader audience that would need a basic description of Super Mario Bros. In the event that you are under the age of 8, I’ll tell you that this is a game in which Mario runs and jumps through dozens of levels to defeat Bowser and save the princess. This game is the quintessential archetype of the scrolling platform action genre. Super Mario Bros. is the mold from which thousands of subsequent games have been cast. It is impossible to overstate its importance when discussing modern video gaming.

*Every sprite in this game is making $7 million a year in royalties.*

Super Mario Bros. (SMB) created or popularized a huge number of video game characteristics. Background music played during game play, scrolling levels that extend beyond a single screen, the entire platform hopping mechanic, swimming levels with alternate control schemes and warp zones that allowed crafty players to skip levels were traits that were popularized by SMB. It also featured tight and responsive controls that allowed for influencing speed and direction in mid-jump and secret rewards designed to emphasize creativity and exploration while traversing levels. These elements may have been used previously, in other platform games such as Pitfall 2, Jungle Hunt or the original Mario Brothers, but SMB elevated them in such a way that it is nearly impossible to point to a NES game since that did not seek to emulate some or all of the elements laid out by SMB.

*Total hotness*

The music in SMB also deserves particular attention. The tune itself is enduring enough to be catchy to this day and has been rewritten, updated and integrated into dozens of Nintendo titles up to present day. While earlier games did not typically include music during game play, almost all games after had to have it as the bar had been raised. Even if removed from its historical context, the music is wonderful, catchy and thoroughly appropriate for the game.

Anyway, back to the review. Super Mario Bros. holds up remarkably well. The game is still fun and challenging without being old school hard. If you played it back in the day, your hands will still know what to do. If you have never seen it before, then you’ll still have a great time with it. The graphics, sound and control all outshine every other NES launch title by a long stretch. There can be no debate that SMB is king.

In the end, Mario didn’t just save

*Seriously, this game needs to be played.*

the princess. He saved video games. At the time of the video game crash of ‘84, most retailers thought video games were proven to be a burned-out fad. Interest in the game industry was at a huge low point, and if the NES didn’t take off, console gaming would be set back even further. PCs might be the only way to play games today if Mario hadn’t shown up. And for that, maybe the original Super Mario Bros. deserves another look.

Review in a Haiku
Thank you, Mario.
Twenty five years of castles
and no end in sight.

Super Mario Bros. on a curb

2010-11-02T14:35:00.001-04:00

In preparation for our Super Mario Bros. review tomorrow, here's something ten times more awesome than anything you'll ever do. And yes, that includes curing cancer.

The video:

The making of:

REVIEW: Stack-Up

2010-11-01T19:30:00.017-04:00

"Game": Stack-Up
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 1 star, awarded for the jumping animation, and only because we nixed the 1/2 star system.

Stack Up isn't a game; it's a jumping simulator. Although the animation of the scientist jumping is very nice, that's not enough to carry this title beyond 1 star, in my oh-so humble-opinion. It would have been better served if the commands were entered via text. Ahh, good ol' text adventures...

I remember the first time I played a text adventure. My mind was entranced by the concept that I could tell the game what to do, and it might work! GO EAST. OPEN BOX. SEX GIRL. Well, some of them worked. Text adventures mixed the joy of reading with grand adventure, creating a truly interactive crossover experience. I was really blown away by the idea as a kid. I was sucked in.

*I own this game today, box and all. Thanks, eBay.*

My favorite was Adventure Land on the Commodore VIC-20. I think it was my favorite becuase I actually completed the game. A text-based game. Beaten. By me! I was so proud of myself. I can remember trying over and over again to work out the situations that I was confronted with. I remember giving a bear honey, catching mother fucking chiggers from climbing a tree (oh, the nightmares I had...) and finally figuring out to how to kill them: USE MUD, ON ARM. I remember seeing the sleeping dragon, and stealing a treasure from its lair. All of this, as if it were a book being played out by interrogative conjecture.

I played The Count, another text adventure for the VIC-20, but I never beat that one. I remember getting stumped on a bridge leading to his castle early on and deciding that watching TV would be more fun. I also recall playing a Rambo-based text adventure on the PC, inspired by memories of Adventure Land. I never got beyond going to a beach and looking at a river.

Try this thought on for size: the VIC-20 used cartridges for text-based games. That's 16,000 bytes of data on a chip, surrounded by plastic, with a label. Logistically speaking, the same amount of physical space nowadays can hold around 256,000,000,000 bytes. That's a lot of text. It would make for quite the advantageous text adventure.

*It's a cartridge. It's a text adventure. They cared enough to make a text-adventure cartridge. Thank you, those that cared.*

Wait. This is supposed to Stack-Up review. Fuck. OK, here goes nothing.

In Stack-Up, you jump from one tile to the next... and that's it. I'm guessing that R.O.B. would move pieces around its little plastic platform in conjuction with your on-screen actions (at least the ones that either the dog or I didn't swallow.) From what I've read, the game requires you to keep score for yourself, which screams of hax and cheatzors. If Stack-Up were a text adventure, the only keywords would be JUMP and a direction, and you'd never make progress, because fucking infinity.

At its best, Stack-Up could be considered a "tech demo" for R.O.B. If I where a 12-year-old and had received Stack-Up, I would have given up on video games altogether. Perhaps I would injure the gift giver, or more than likely just mutter under my breath (I was a scrawny little boy, rather incapable of damage-dealing.) I probably would have used the light-gun with Stack-Up just to try to make it interesting. There is a two-player mode, but no I refuse you can't make me I won't do it fuck you Dan you slave-driving fuck.

So, in closing, and if you ever get the chance, download the original Scott Adams Adventure Land and enjoy the graphics of your mind.

Review in a Haiku
Stack-Up is such shit;
It isn't a game at all.
Stupid tech demo.

Nintendo Halloween Cards

2010-10-31T10:57:00.001-04:00