Chucks Musings

Tech Support - College Style - The Full Story

2013-04-16T17:20:00.000-07:00

Hello Tech Support - may I help you?

Yes, well, I'm having trouble with my word processor program.

[Instant voice-recognition: I know it's a particularly ditzy blonde professor with whom I have had prior dealings.]

What sort of trouble, Dr. B?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Went away?

They disappeared.

And it went rapidly downhill, from there.

Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Nothing.

Nothing?

It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

Are you still in the word processor, or did you close the window?

How do I tell?

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]

Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?

What's a sea-prompt?

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

[Ah--at least she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if she's kicked out her monitor's power plug.]

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

What's a monitor?

It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

I don't know.

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

[sound of rustling and jostling]

[muffled] Yes, I think so.

Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

[pause] Yes, it is.

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

No.

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

[rustle rustle]

[muffled] Okay, here it is.

Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

[still muffled] I can't reach.

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

[clear again] No.

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark.

Dark?

Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Well, turn on the office light then.

I can't.

No? Why not?

Because there's a power outage.

A p--!

[ARGH!]

This woman was good friends with my supervisor, who was also a professor (still is, matter of fact--and in addition, she's now also my wife), so I couldn't deal with her the way I really wanted to, and was forced to explain sweetly and gently to her that computers needed power just like office lights, and if the office lights were out, then the computer was too, and that yes, if she hadn't saved her work she had probably lost everything she'd done so far in the document. But I could still fantasize.

A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Really? Is it that bad?

Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!

[slam]

But that wouldn't have been a very nice thing to do, now would it?

Now having posted this, I should point out several details, which you will need to know if you are reading this any time after 2005. Details are to be written. And I will give credit to this narrative, as the inspiration, to Simon Travaglia, the author of The Bastard Operator From Hell.

Such A Neat Way To Get Readers? Not!

2012-11-22T07:38:00.000-08:00

In another way to convince me to never read your blog or website, we see "Viral Lock - Like, Google+1 or Tweet to Unlock", the latest third party viral WordPress accessory.

For a fee (you pay CodeCanyon, for this privilege), you can designate a portion of your WordPress blog as protected access.

Simply wrap the content you want to protect with the [viral-lock] shortcode and the content will be protected until the users shares your page.

Your reader gets to read your wisdom, only after they vote for it - sight unseen - using Facebook, Google, or Twitter.

Another reason to avoid WordPress. This is a type of spam.

More likes and tweets = More money for you.

Riight.

The Trifecta, Of My SciFi Library

2012-06-06T12:19:00.003-07:00

Now, all gone.

Isaac Asimov - 1992.

Ray Bradbury - 2012.

Robert Heinlein - 1988.

Hummingbird

2011-08-12T12:04:00.000-07:00

The media are constantly pounding us with stories about the South American Rain Forest - whether it's the ecological disasters that are happening, or the indigenous people there (making most of us think of uneducated "savages").

Lou Gold spends his life traveling through rural Brasil, and taking pictures of the country, and the people. Nowhere in his blog, that I've found, does he talk about "The Rain Forest", "savages", or the "tribal natives". He just shows you the country, and the people. You get to realise on your own, that this is the "Rain Forest", and the people there.

»http://www.youtube.com/v/fGybpOizmSU

»VisionShare: FLIGHT OF THE FLOWER-KISSER

Microsoft Windows And Zen Based Error Reporting

2011-07-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

Legend has it that some computers in Japan are running a Zen like error reporting program, which issues error messages in Haiku.

The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped.
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Manpower Optimisation - Not

2011-07-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

Last week, I went to a new restaurant, where they use real plates and metal cutlery. I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. This seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, we noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. When I looked around, I saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. Curiouser and curiouser, as Alice would have said.

A little later on, the owner visited our table as he made the rounds of his patrons.

"Why the spoons?" I asked when we'd shaken hands.

"Well," he replied, "we hired a consultant to revamp all our processes. It was a fascinating exercise! Do you know that, after several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. They showed us that it represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If we were better prepared, we could reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen to replace spoons, saving 15 man-hours per shift!"

His logic was incredible. How simple! Carry the cutlery with you rather than going back to the kitchen. Yet I'd never seen this solution in any restaurant I'd visited. Manpower optimisation, at its simplest.

While eating dessert, I dropped my spoon. The waiter immediately replaced it with his spare.

"Sir, please accept this spoon. I'll get another the next time I go to the kitchen, thereby..." he thought hard, searching for the right word, "...enabling you to better enjoy your dessert."

I was impressed - he'd obviously been prepared with a script but it still felt great - great service! I ate my dessert, happily.

Looking around while eating, I noticed a string hanging out the waiter's fly. A quick scan of the restaurant confirmed that all the waiters also had strings, hanging from their zippers.

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" I asked the waiter as he was about to leave our table. "Oh, certainly! Well done sir! Not everyone is so observant." He beamed at my discovery then, leaning forward conspiratorially, he lowered his voice.

"We recently had some consultants come in," he said, "they were the ones who told us about the spoons. But they also worked out out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of my member, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands. This reduces the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent!"

"That's amazing," I said, "but after you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"They're still studying that question," he replied, "So I use the spoon."

Tech Support - College Style

2010-12-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

Hello Tech Support - may I help you?

Yes, well, I'm having trouble with my word processor program.

[Instant voice-recognition: I know it's a particularly ditzy blonde professor with whom I have had prior dealings.]

What sort of trouble, Dr. B?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Went away?

They disappeared.

And it went rapidly downhill, from there.

(See The Full Story, if you wish - since the Jump Break below may not work).
Read more »

More Things That Make You Say "Oh F***"

2010-10-08T07:27:00.000-07:00

»http://www.youtube.com/v/Ge9VfALthLI

Maybe this guy is a fan of the "Jackass" movie series?

Diagnosis And Treatment

2010-08-17T08:16:00.000-07:00

A guy goes to the doctor, and reports pain, all over his body.

Doctor, doctor, I hurt all over!

If I touch my face, it hurts.

If I touch my chest, it hurts there too!

If I touch my knee, the same!

The doctor checks him out, and puts a splint on his finger.

You have a broken finger.

Anybody Want Ice Cream?

2010-06-14T16:40:00.000-07:00

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor - "Barocky Road".

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken from the cone, and given to the person in line behind you, at no charge to them.

You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.

My First Trip To New Yawk City

2010-01-28T12:34:00.000-08:00

Long years ago, I was young and innocent.

I had heard for years, how psychotic New Yorkers were. I vowed to never go there, because I can't stand harsh treatment.

One day, I had to go on a business trip, yes to NYC.

I was outside the hotel, and while looking for a cab, I smelled fresh bagels. Coming from the nearby bagel cart.

Yumm,

I said to myself,

but the guy selling the bagels looks like a total sleeze!

But I was hungry, so I asked him

How much?

Whadda ya want?

his reply.

Bagel and cream cheese, please, if not too much trouble, sir.

I was being as polite as I could, and I knew that he saw me as a rube, from out of town.

"Four dollar."

OK, I had cash, and I was hungry. So, I let him rip me off.

He fixed a nice fresh bagel, and loaded on the cream cheese. I think he threw in a lox too.

Then he looks at me and says

Beg.

OK, I knew that the psycho was about to cut me. He had that big ass knife too.

Oh shit.

What now?

OMG, I'm never going to get to the office either, and they will fire my ass for getting mugged on the street.

Then it got weirder.

I saw a cop watching me. Then I knew that I was in the shit.

And the cop walked up behind me.

And I addressed the bagel man, very politely

Sorry to be too much trouble, but did I not pay you enough?

And he replied, very patiently

Do ya vant it in der beg or do ya vant it in der hands?

So I said

A napkin would be fine.

And I got my bagel, and left.

And the cop said to the bagel man

Thank heavens I thought you would never get rid of dat schwartzer! I told you last week if you keep selling here, you get too many loonies from out of town!!

Teacher Carrying Weapons Of Math Instruction Detained By TSA

2010-01-26T15:41:00.000-08:00

A teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-Gebra is a problem for us,

the Attorney General said.

They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said

If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

West Virginia Ghost Story

2009-11-14T10:35:00.000-08:00

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country of West Virginia - and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a really dark night in the middle of a thunder storm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride really bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take, and jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped the bar, and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other:

Look Bubba, there's that idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain.

The First Woman

2009-11-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

One time in the garden of Eden, Adam was out hunting for food for the two of them.

Adam finally came home late at night. Eve said

Adam, where have you been so long?

Adam said

I have been out hunting and gathering food.

Then Adam said

You know, Eve, that you are the only one in Creation.

That night, after Adam fell asleep, she counted his ribs.

Excellent Trade

2009-11-03T17:27:00.000-08:00

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says:

Nice pigs, sir.

The President replies

These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says,

Excellent trade, sir.

Heavenly Beliefs

2009-08-04T10:03:00.000-07:00

Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama go to heaven,

God addresses Al first

Al, what do you believe in?

Al replies

Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve my country. And I've come to understand that now.

God thinks for a second and says

Very good. Come and sit at my left.

God then addresses Bill

Bill, what do you believe in?

Bill replies

I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.

God thinks for a second and says

You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.

Then God addresses Barack

Barack, what do you believe in?

Barack replies

I believe that you're in my chair.

Save The President's Life

2009-07-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

The new President was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said

I want to go to Disneyland!

Barak said

No problem, I'll take you there on Airforce One. You can have the entire park to yourself for one whole day.

The second kid said

I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.

Barak said

I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them and spend an afternoon playing ball with you!

The third kid said

I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and WiFi LAN!

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said

But you're not handicapped.

The kid said

I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? #2

2009-06-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

»http://www.youtube.com/v/ge4WC23koG0

It's not a KK, probably better (in the eyes of the customers there, anyway).

Nectar Of The Gods

2009-05-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

»http://www.youtube.com/v/DJVtFpZl7-Y

What more need be said?

A Word Of Advice To Those Seeking Technical Advice

2009-02-20T09:03:00.001-08:00

I'm a techie, and I'm pretty good at giving technical advice, in the subjects where I provide advice. Like many techies, I'm not always as patient as I'd like to be.

Sometimes, my advice includes mild (or even blatant) ridicule. If I ridicule you, in the process of asking you for details about your problem, or I advise you to ask for help in a more conventional manner, please don't take my remarks personally.

When you ask for advice in an open forum, you will not always get the respect that you might get in more protected society. Free advice has a price.

»http://www.youtube.com/v/0OnpkDWbeJs

Lighten up, Francis.

Sharp Sticks

2009-01-28T10:41:00.000-08:00

Advice given in another forum, far, far away.

If it hurts every time you poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick (AOHell), the obvious solution is to quit poking yourself in the eye with a sharp stick (AOHell).
If you absolutely MUST poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick (AOHell), then feel free to seek assistance from the maker of the sharp stick (AOHell).

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

2009-01-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it wartime for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here. DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Nice Bit Of Trance

2008-12-14T21:58:00.000-08:00

If you've ever installed Windows XP, and enjoyed the deep mellow trance audio track that plays when the installation is complete, maybe you've wondered how to find it later.

I have. Never found it, though. Until today, courtesy of Nick ADSL UK at DSL Reports Forums. It's over 5 minutes of really mellow trance, and it loops pretty cleanly too.

C:\WINDOWS\system 32\oobe\images\title.wma

Enjoy!

Test Your Memory

2008-11-29T19:10:00.000-08:00

Just the thing to forceably clear away cobwebs from your holiday partying.

The Short Term Memory Checker

Simple to learn, impossible to play long, impossible to stop playing.

Jesus Vs Satan

2008-11-28T21:27:00.000-08:00

One day the devil got his new laptop, and decided to drop in on Jesus.

As they talked they started arguing about who was the best on the computer.

They argued for a while and then decided that they would just have a competition to see who was the best, so they setup a LAN party.

They both sat down at their computers, and started working.

They did spread sheets, typing, programming, web design, surfing the web, playing games, and more!

All of a sudden there was a flash of lightning and the power went out!

The power came back on, and both computers restarted. The devil started screaming, cursing, and throwing a fit because all of the work he had done over the last few hours had been lost!

The devil looked over at Jesus and saw him sitting calmly smiling and printing his work.

The devil screamed

You must be cheating! - - How can you be printing your work when we just lost all of it???

Jesus just shrugged and said

It's easy........Jesus Saves