Nixon's News

Nixon's 2nd Birthday Party: Sesame Street Theme

2012-10-29T14:48:00.001-07:00

Nixon's 1st Beach Day

2012-05-29T15:55:00.001-07:00

My close friend and former college roommate BreAnna is an amazing photographer and recently decided to pursue her passion for film by starting a photography business. BreAnna photographed Nixon a month or so after she came home from the NICU, and the shots she took are, to this day, some of my favorites. I’m still not sure how she is so masterfully able to capture my daughter’s personality, but one look at her work and it’s obvious that she commands the camera.

BreAnna took these at the beach near her house in the Belmont Shores area of Long Beach. It was Nixon’s first trip to the beach, and she was beautiful in her fearlessness. She ran right up to the water, let the waves lick her legs, and when they knocked her over she laughed, splashed, and played in the salty water. Even after shoveling a handful of sand into her mouth and realizing it didn’t taste very good, Nixon had a blast. She was so fascinated and curious. It was such a special time, and Adam and I loved watching her excitedly explore the beach, and I’m so happy BreAnna was there to capture the moment.

My little Strawberry!

Nixon discovering wet sand

She LOVED the sand and how it felt when she rubbed it into her skin. She did not however like the way it tasted!!!

This is my absolute favorite!

Adam being a good sport about posing for a picture!
Nixon was naked after we rinsed her off and removed her sandy swim suit.

Silly Face

I cannot get enough of this face!!!

Nixon eating her favorite: Barrrrrbque Pirate's booty

Posing on the Strand after lunch at Tequila Jacks

I love Nixon's Cindy Loo Who hair!

Seriously! Could she be any cuter?

Nixon Loves BreAnna too!
She kept reaching out to give her hugs!

Thank you again BreAnna for enabling me to obsess over how adorable my daughter is, and enshrine her in photographs while I can. I don’t know what I’m going to do when she turns into a moody teenager who is too cool to pose for a picture! Thank God those days are quite a few years away.

To see more of BreAnna's work, or to set up your own photo shoot, check out Her Facebook Page

https://www.facebook.com/pages/BreAnna-Martinez-Photography/366674420063413

There are a lot more pictures to come, so check back for updates!

Baby Shower

2012-05-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend I threw my BF Azra a baby shower, and I thought I'd post the pics so everyone could see how adorable everything turned out! Azra and her hubby Brandon decided on a black, white, and red nursery with gray accents, so I ran with those theme colors when I decorated:

Beautiful Dessert Table

This table skirt was one of my favorite projects! I just looped tulle over a white ribbon like a giant tutu! I am totally going to reuse it this fall for my daughters 2nd birthday party- It's going to have an Elmo theme!

The beautiful "Sugar & Spice" banner was made with the help and expertise of my other BF Amanda.

She has an adorable ETSY shop specializing in weddings, but she obviously needs to branch out into party decor!

Find her @: http://www.etsy.com/shop/couturecuts

And what baby shower would be complete without pink champagne!

Yummy Food!

Delicious Caprese!

Red Velvet Cakepops!

The Beautiful Mamma and the Host

It must be in the water....

Azra & Shabina

The photo album prize couldn't have gone to a better party guest!

The lovely Ms. Martin with Azra
(gift table in the background)

All of the guests brought a letter to decorate the nursery!

Oh, and this was the front of the invites, courtesy of
http://www.etsy.com/shop/couturecuts

Fifty Shades of Turned On

2012-05-08T12:40:00.000-07:00

The book Fifty Shades of Grey has been seducing the country, and for good reason- its salacious discourse is sparking our libidos and warming up the bedrooms for our husbands. I mean, who can resist the charm of the alluring Christian Grey- a charismatically dominant man with piercing eyes and strong capable hands who makes us giddy at the thought of being naughty, and then spanks us for it.

Personally I picture Christian as Bradley Cooper, and I revel in the imagery of him sauntering around the bedroom in his loose fitting pajama bottoms, toned and muscular, grinning deviantly as he concocts new and exciting ways to arouse me (and I say me because, in our minds, we are ALL Anastasia Steele, aren’t we?). He may or may not be holding a riding crop....

Personally I can’t get enough, and I am sad that there were only three books. Heaven knows that my marriage has benefited from all of the exposure to Christian’s “kinky fuckery,” which is why I’ve practically insisted that all of my friends read the series. My Husband Adam and I have enjoyed a new level of intimacy after we started enjoying the book together- listening to it on audible.com.

I hadn’t intended for him to listen to it, it was kind of my own secret outlet, and then I accidentally left it on late one night, after Adam had gone to bed, and I fell asleep. Adam apparently woke up in the middle of a particularly spicy session between Christian and Ana, and, as he put it, what they were doing “sounded like a good idea,” so he rolled me over, woke me up, and …. well… followed Christian’s lead.

We are now in the market for a larger (King Size) bed, new sheets, and possibly a new tie for Adam. I think I’ll look for a nice silky grey one… ;)

Romantic Weekend in Vegas

2012-04-30T11:10:00.001-07:00

After realizing earlier this year that dropping over $1000 on tickets and lodging for Stagecoach this year wasn’t the best use of our resources, Adam and I decided that we’d do the next best thing- see the one bands that we REALLY wanted to see (practically the only band performing at stagecoach that we haven’t already seen live), the Eli Young Band.

After perusing their website we realized that they were playing in Vegas the night after they were scheduled to perform at stagecoach, and tickets were cheap- only $45 a piece for VIP tickets! We booked our hotel reservations and bought our concert tickets that night.

The concert was better than I could have ever anticipated, and we found ourselves enjoying Eli Young Band’s amazing vocal capacity from the very front row! My hands were on the stage (when they weren’t in the air), and it was like they were singing directly to me! To further amp up my excitement, if that was even possible, at the end of the show the lead guitar player and half the band’s namesake James Young reached down and handed me his guitar pick!

After the concert Adam and I took a cab to Stoney’s for some dancing. It was so much fun to put all of the things we’ve been learning in our lessons to use, and I could tell Adam was super proud of himself as he spun me gracefully around the dance floor!

We had a great time in Vegas together, a wonderful concert experience, and a romantic weekend alone. What more could a girl ask for?

Rampage

2012-04-25T11:49:00.001-07:00

Patience is a virtue that I don’t have a ready command over. I embark on most endeavors anticipating immediate results, and in the real world, immediate results are few are far between.

This is particularly true of my recent resurgence into the world of mma rooted kickboxing and Muay Thai. This is NOT the same thing as the more dance inspired 24 hour fitness style turbo kickboxing classes, but rather an aggressive, hard hitting workout targeted at building stamina and technique for battle in the cage. I trained years ago, when I was in much better shape, and I loved it. It helped me tone up and work out all of my muscles in a succinct and high impact format. It was the perfect outlet for my repressed anger and carnal urges to fight, and I sweated it out at least a couple nights a week.

I signed up for Rampage Fitness Academy a few weeks ago, eager to reconnect with my inner fighter, and in hopes of shedding the pounds that seem to weigh down every aspect of my life lately. Boy was I in for a shock. Not only had my endurance plummeted to an all time low, but my stamina and overall strength might as well have been registering in the negative.

Talk about an epic fail.

I’ll be honest with you- I threw up 45 minutes into my first workout. Pale and flustered, I rejoined my class to finish the last few minutes of the session, but my pride lost more than my stomach did and I was thoroughly embarrassed. My next few sessions were equally as challenging but since I was (thankfully) able to retain my lunch, so I considered them successful.

Due to the fact that each and every workout leaves me drenched in sweat and exhausted, and that I’m working out nearly every day, I had expected the weight to fall off of me, revealing my old self, pretty much instantaneously. I mean, even in my heyday I wasn’t sweating this hard, pushing my limits this far, or training this often. So, nearly a month later my impatience is peaking and I’m annoyed at my overall lack of progress as it pertains to the scale. Sure, I feel better, and I can see the definition in my legs and arms beginning to develop, but come on!!!

As my 10 Year high school reunion looms only a few short months on the horizon, my impatience is rampant. I know that my efforts will pay off, I only wish they would pay off a little quicker…

Spring Cleaning

2012-04-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

This has been a whirlwind of a year so far, as evidenced by the fact that it’s the end of April and this is my first post of 2012. Adam and I have been consumed with the struggles of maintaining a two income household, raising a beautiful and rambunctious toddler, finding time to Sneak in some romantic time together, and dedicating time to participate in our own separate hobbies.

Adam has taken up mountain biking again; he used to ride with his buddy Jordan and he’s really getting into fixing up his bike and taking on new and more challenging rides. We even got Nixon a bike trailer so that when Adam wants to take on a less rocky route they can cruise together. Nixon absolutely LOVES riding in her trailer, and she can be heard squealing with delight while she’s in tow.

I’ve taken up kickboxing/Muay Thai again, and although it’s been challenging to work up the momentum and physical endurance, I’m confident that I’ll be able to regain a lot of the strength and fluidity that I possessed when I trained in 2007. Kickboxing really works every muscle in my body and I have yet to finish a class not drenched in sweat. Heck, I start sweating within the initial 5 minute warm up period! Hopefully I’ll get my bikini body back in time for summer, especially since my 10 year high school reunion is slated for late June.

Adam and I have also started taking two-step lessons again. We had a ton of fun learning new spins and couples dances before our wedding, but with all of the hustle and bustle of work and parenting, we seldom get out to go dancing. As many of you know we actually met at a country bar, and we’ve been missing our old haunts, the dancing, our bar friends and the laid back ease that helped us connect years ago. We’re going to try to make it out to either The Ranch or In Cahoots at least once a week, most likely Sunday at The Ranch, for some boot scootin’ fun. All of you are welcome to join us of course!

This year has also been exciting because so many of my friends are going through big changes! Our close friends Nick and Amanda Valbuena just bout a gorgeous home in Yorba Linda and we were so excited when they finally got their keys! Also, over a dozen of our friends are pregnant, and come summer there will be lots and lots of new friends for Nixon. Motherhood is the most rewarding and fulfilling experience, and I am eager to see my friends blossom and mature as they bond with and nurture their babies. I am especially eager to welcome baby Ayers into the world, as her parents Brandon and Azra have been trying for some time now to conceive. I’m hosting Azra’s baby shower in May, and it WILL BE the most fabulous shower ever! Only the best for my niece!!!!

That’s all for now. I’ll be more committed to updating my blog throughout the remainder of 2012, so you can expect lots of pictures, opinions, recipes and updates! I'll do some Spring cleaning and post some pictures and videos from the past few months. My goal is to check in at least a couple times a week; I’m thinking of dedicating my lunch hour to blogging, since I feel my time is largely wasted sitting around on my break.

Anniversary Letter to My daughter

2011-12-31T11:51:00.000-08:00

Nixon,

Today is a very special day for your daddy and me; today we celebrate when we were finally able to bring you home from the hospital, 77 days after you were born. For those 77 days we cried and prayed and held your hand. We cuddled you skin to skin for hours at a time and anxiously watched the monitors to make sure your vital signs were okay. We bribed staff with cupcakes and made friends with nurses to make sure everyone around you took extra special care of our little princess. Every couple hours I pumped milk for you to drink, and, when you were big enough, we fed you and burped you. I hummed songs to you, and told you every day that you were the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen, and that is still true. We clapped our hands with joy when you made progress and we wrung them when you struggled. And every second of every day since you were born we’ve loved you with all our hearts.

Nixon, you are our entire world, and we are so blessed that you are healthy and happy and beautiful. You are proof that God loves us, and you renewed our faith in miracles.

Favorites

2011-12-30T10:54:00.000-08:00

Nixon's grandma Julie just emailed me these photos and I am now in the market for a new heart, because mine melted instantly when I saw them.

Rule Breaker!

2011-12-28T10:00:00.000-08:00

So, we've totally had our hands full since our little peanut started walking. Her favorite place to go is, of course, the one place she's not allowed: the kitchen. I HATE fussing with baby proof drawers and cabinets, so I decided that for now she's just not allowed to go in the kitchen. It looks like that has to change VERY soon.

Keeping the kitchen off limits was basically our first rule for Nixon. Well, our clever little daughter has picked up on this rule, and, as to be expected, she exacts great joy out of breaking it. Every chance she gets she runs as fast as she can into the kitchen, straight to the oven, touches it, shrieks in victory, and then runs out. I usually wait until she's right next to the stove and snatch her up, play yelling "no babies in the kitchen!" but every now and then, just to hear her excitement, I let her win, and her smile couldn't possibly get any bigger than the moment her little fingers smack that oven.

Tonight I decided that I had to share this "game" with you all, so here it is for your viewing pleasure:

Matthew & Nina's Post Christmas Wrap-up Party

2011-12-27T21:15:00.000-08:00

Adam and I were very excited for Matthew and Nina's 2nd Annual Post Christmas Ugly Sweater Party.

The best sweaters of the night

I <3 my hunny!

Gotta love Cindy's tree skirt sweater!

RAWR!

Matching Sweaters!

Our favorites!

"Nina, can you get your balls out of my husband's face?"

Such beautiful sisters!

Adam's sweater TOTALLY should have taken 1st prize!

matchy matchy!

Christmas Morning

2011-12-25T22:00:00.000-08:00

We had Christmas morning at our house this year, and Nixon's Grammy Lisa(my mom), her Grandma Julie and Grandpa Bill were all in attendance.

I thought She'd love unwrapping presents, but Nixon seemed to lose interest in the paper pretty quickly.

She did however LOVE the tags and bows.

(I always say a present can never have too much ribbon!)

Out of all of the expensive and elaborate gifts, I think Nixon's favorite "present" was this cheapy little silver ball of bells that I grabbed last minute from Michaels when I was checking out. She clung to it all day long!

Nixon reaching for the doll her Grandma Julie made her

Nixon was worn out from waking up early to open presents, so she took a snooze with Daddy!

then it was back to playing with her new toys!

If that expression doesn't make you smile nothing will!

she loves flipping the page (over and over again)

Taking a cat nap before Auntie Azra and Uncle Brandon come over for dinner!

We decided to start a fun new Christmas tradition, so Azra and Brandon came over to our house for Christmas dinner. Next year We'll probably have Christmas dinner at their house because they'll have a new baby and we'll want to spoil him!

I decided to cook this year, and after surfing the web for some holiday suggestions, I settled on Green bean casserole and Shepherds pie.

With these for dessert:

(Check out the recipe section of my blog for these dishes!)

All in all it was a great day and we feel very blessed to have such great friends and family to celebrate with.

Red Velvet Whoopie Pies

2011-12-24T19:18:00.000-08:00

I found this tasty recipe on Paula Deen's website and it's a keeper!

Ingredients:

For the pies:
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons unsweetened cocoa powder
1 1/2 cups canola oil
1 teaspoon white vinegar
One 1-ounce bottle red food coloring
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs
1 cup buttermilk
For the filling:
5 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1 cup milk
1 cup sugar
8 tablespoons (1 stick) butter, softened
1/2 cup solid vegetable shortening, such as Crisco
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions:

*Preheat the oven to 350°F.
*Lightly grease two cookie sheets.
*Sift the flour, baking soda, and cocoa together.

*In a separate bowl, combine the oil, vinegar, food coloring, and vanilla.

*Using an electric mixer, beat the sugar and eggs together until they turn pale and double in volume.
*Add the oil mixture and beat to combine.
*Add the flour mixture and buttermilk alternately in five small additions, starting and ending with the flour.

*Drop the batter by teaspoons onto the baking sheets, allowing 1 inch between drops, as the cookies will spread. You’ll be making 48 cookies. Bake until the cookies are firm but not crisp, about 12 minutes.

*Transfer immediately to racks to cool.

To make the filling:

*Put the flour into a medium saucepan and slowly add the milk, whisking until smooth.
*Set over medium heat and cook, stirring constantly with a whisk, until very thick, about 3 minutes.

Allow to cool completely.

*Cream the sugar, butter, shortening, and vanilla with an electric mixer.
*Add the cooled flour mixture and whip until fluffy.
*Spread onto one cookie and top it with another to make a sandwich; repeat with the remaining cookies and filling.
*Cover the filled whoopee pies with plastic wrap and store in the refrigerator.

I bought a whoopie pie pan from Jo Ann's crafts, to ensure uniformity. I disregarded the recipe's instructions for cookie scoop size, and consequently my cookies were a little too big, and they ended up a little pointy on the top. So, if you use a whoopie pie pan be careful not to overload it!

Oh, and I only used one .3 oz bottle of food coloring (the one that usually comes in the set) and it was more than enough to get the cookie batter red. A full ounce seems like it would be overkill.

Green Bean Casserole

2011-12-23T19:12:00.000-08:00

Ingredients:

1/3 stick butter
1/2 cup diced onions
1/2 cup sliced fresh mushrooms
2 cups sliced green beans
3 cups chicken broth
1 (10 3/4-ounce) can cream of mushroom soup
1 (2.8-ounce) can French-fried onion rings
1 tsp: salt, pepper, garlic powder
1 cup grated Cheddar (optional)

Directions

*Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

*Melt the butter in a large skillet.

*Saute the onions and mushrooms in the butter.

*Boil green beans in chicken broth for 10 minutes and drain. (you can skip this if you're using canned green beans)

*Add the green beans, mushroom soup, onion rings, salt, pepper and garlic powder to the onion mixture.

*Stir well. Pour into a greased 1 1/2-quart baking dish.

*Bake for 20 minutes, then top the casserole with the Cheddar and bake for 10 minutes longer, or until the casserole is hot and cheese is melted.

*I don't add cheese because Adam thinks it's weird that way, but I've heard it's yummy.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

2011-12-22T15:00:00.000-08:00

Eagle Hill Christmas Lights 2011

Like most children, I loved to go look at Christmas lights when I was little. I have never grown out of that, and every year I look for new places to satiate that love. Nellie Gail Ranch is a contender for the best lights, as is Candy Cane Lane, but I have never seen Christmas lights done as well as they are at Eagle Hills in Brea. EVERY house in this community participates in an outrageous and inspiring display of Christmas spirit, and year after year they never disappoint. There are even carolers, hot chocolate vendors, and street musicians playing holiday favorites.

Whether you want to delight your kids or share a romantic night with your honey, Eagle Hills is by far the best place to go for a magical holiday experience.

This year we went to Eagle hill with our favorite couple Nick and Amanda Valbuena. We stopped at Buca di Beppo first for dinner, and then it was off to see the lights.

It was a great night with great food, great friends and AMAZING lights! Here are a few shots of some of the elaborate displays:

This is my favorite house. It's at the end of the best street (Primrose) and it's just so elegant and classy!

Here are some additional pictures of the lights at Eagle Hill

This spectacular neighborhood in Brea is located at Kraemer and Birch one block north of Imperial Highway.

If You're going to walk at all, Primrose is the street to do it.

Drive the rest- there are way too many houses to walk in the cold.

Balsamic Chicken

2011-12-22T10:45:00.000-08:00

This recipe was actually created by necessity; a recipe I was following called for Italian dressing, which I I didn't have. I didn't feel like making another trip to the store, so I improvised, and substituted balsamic. I also substituted soy for salt. The results were delicious!

Balsamic Chicken with mashed potatoes, and Green Beans w/bacon

Ingredients:

4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 cup balsamic vinegar salad dressing (I use Newman's)
1 TSP of each: parsley, basil, oregano, crushed red pepper, pepper, garlic powder
3 TBSP soy sauce
1/2 cup grated Parmesan or Romano cheese (I was out so I used the powdered Parmesan kind)

Directions:

Place chicken in bottom of Crock Pot. Add balsamic dressing, sprinkle with the spices and grated cheese (make sure cheese pretty much covers the chicken- you really don’t need to measure it out).

Cook on low for about 6 hours, or until the chicken is tender.

Chicken in Crock Pot after a few hours on LOW. Chicken is done when you cut chicken and the juices that run out are clear (not pink)

As shown in the first photo, the sauce remaining in your crock pot is actually REALLY delicious- add some to the chicken after you plate it, and to mashed potatoes if you make them as a side.

*Adam said this is his favorite chicken recipe that I’ve ever made

Self-Defeating Behavior

2011-12-21T13:56:00.000-08:00

My good friend Jason posted this article on facebook a few days ago, lamenting that he was guilty of almost all 30 of the self-defeating actions listed. Upon reading the list I realized that I too was guilty of most, if not all 30.

Here are my top 5:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.

11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

For me, numbers 1, 6, and 18 go hand in hand. I used to be so good at cutting people out of my life- I'm not sure why I've spent the past couple of years trying to force puzzle pieces together that were obviously never meant to fit. My sister is always reminding me that I can't change other people, I can only change myself. In 2012 I won't perpetuate these mistakes; I'm going to surround myself with my wonderful and loving friends, and disassociate COMPLETELY with the people that bring me down and infringe upon my happiness.

I also see a connection between numbers 10 and 11, however keeping busy and making myself happy were never on my radar before as things I needed to consciously do. Until recently I was always hyperactive and on the go, and consequently I was in pretty good shape. I think it was only after we had Nixon, and I was saddled with all of the emotional baggage that comes with being a part of a family that hates you, that I really began to hide and become introverted. I started using all of my free time to over think and analyze my failed relationship with my in-laws, and in doing so I picked a lot of unnecessary fights with my husband. In 2012 I am going to break free and start actively living my life like I used to. I am not going to allow negative people to take up space in my head, and I am going to focus on making myself happy, and my husband and my daughter REALLY happy.

I also think I need to dust off my boots and take up line dancing again, and dance away some of the physical and mental baggage I let consume me in 2010. Oh, and I'm sure chasing Nixon around will help too- our little peanut is a maniac now that she's walking/running!

Spaghetti Monster

2011-12-20T14:14:00.000-08:00

One of Nixon's favorite foods is spaghetti. She usually lassos each noodle before actually trying to eat them. She has so much fun eating and playing with it- it's worth the mess!

Candy Cane Lane 2011

2011-12-19T15:38:00.000-08:00

We were super excited to take Nixon to see Christmas lights this year, since she was still in the NICU last Christmas. Nixon LOVES any type of lights, so we were eager to see how she would react to thousands of them.

She was VERY facinated- almost overwhelmed. We could tell she loved it, but there was so much going on that she didn't know where to look!

Nixon is wearing the Chirstmas outfit her Grandma Julie bought for her.

Oh, and there were a bunch of great nativity scenes:

Holiday Craft

2011-12-19T10:18:00.000-08:00

Time to Let Go

2011-12-14T23:59:00.000-08:00

As I’ve blogged about recently, the holidays have never been very pleasant for me. I was REALLY hoping that would change when I got married and I looked forward to big family parties and new traditions. But that never happened. The Christmases I’ve endured since marrying Adam have been some of the worst, and I decided it was up to me this year to keep history from repeating itself.

So I sent out an email to Adam’s family, hoping that maybe, JUST MAYBE, we could let go of the past and come together as a family, so that my daughter could experience how Christmas is SUPPOSED to feel (happy).

Here is that Email

My inner masochist was thrilled, as I was sure to get nothing but grief from this naïve mission, however noble my intentions. Nonetheless, I tucked that pessimistic voice away, I prayed my letter would work, and began preparing for a holiday together. I bought lots of really fun presents, I made ornaments, I baked desserts (yummy red velvet cakepops, freezer safe, of course). I even set up a secret photoshoot for Nixon and her cousin Jaxson, to surprise my mother in law with, framed, on Christmas.

But, sure enough, Adam’s hateful, self-righteous sisters declined my request to put the past behind us, proving once and for all that his family is a lost cause, and any attempts at “winning them over” are foolhardy at best.

How stupid am I? How many times am I going to delude myself into thinking I can “fix” things with this intolerable gaggle of bitter women? After all, I didn’t do anything to deserve their hatred, so how idiotic am I to think that anything I do will ever make things better?

The only time his younger sister has been nice to me was after Nixon came home from the hospital and she needed help editing her final paper for college. After reading what she had written, I quickly realized why it had taken her over 7 years to graduate, and I spent hours completely rewriting it. I even did additional research to fill in where her arguments lacked. No sooner than I finished it, she was back to being a hateful bitch.

His older sister is just as bad, if not worse; she pretended to be my friend for two years before Adam and I got married. It was only when we got pregnant with Nixon did it become clear that she was never my friend at all. She was jealous and bitter that we got pregnant before she did (I’d probably be jealous too if my marriage was as frigid and loveless as her's is). She wrote me a five page email ranting about how her whole family hates me, and that none of them thought we were capable of raising a child. After sending me that email, she continued to harass me nonstop for over a week causing me stress, headaches, high blood pressure, and the eventual onset of the preeclampsia that nearly killed both my daughter and myself.

The obvious question is: why do I care about reconciling with these sanctimonious bitches? Tonight I think I finally found the answer: I don’t, and I'm done.

Reconciliation

2011-12-14T23:56:00.001-08:00

(A Letter to my In-Laws)

This letter is not an easy thing to write. I’ve thought about how to properly and effectively express myself for a few weeks now, and drew blanks. I figure the best way to start is just to start, so forgive me if I seem a bit scattered.

The past few years between us have been tumultuous at best. There have been some intermittent times of harmony, but for the most part there has been grief and rejection and hatred and frustration. Nothing seems natural anymore, and the jovial times that made me fall in love with all of you (not just Adam) have long since dissipated. I look back on family dinners and holidays before Adam and I got married and I can’t help but wonder what the hell happened?

And that’s what I’ve spent the past few years asking myself. What have I done to precipitate so much animosity and bitterness? This question has plagued me, and until very recently, I have dwelled upon it, desperate for an answer and a solution to this feud.

But, after a morning with Nixon watching Sesame Street, I realize now that the answer is irrelevant. As ridiculous as it sounds, Elmo clarified things for me in a way that dozens of articles and books about repairing families written by professionals couldn’t; Elmo said that a family is a family whether they agree or not. Elmo said that despite our differences we should love each other and accept each other for who we are, because that’s what families do. Even when they’re wrong, we should love everyone in our family.

This might seem like a remedial notion, but I didn’t grow up in the typical family environment. My childhood home was turbulent and violent at times. When raising our voices failed to resolve fights, the next step was almost always someone leaving, doors slamming, which is eventually how I ended up in a group home. Even now, I find it easier to walk away from a conflict than to resolve it. I’ve severed so many ties and relationships over the years it would be impossible to count them all. I dread confrontation and raised voices, and I would rather walk out and end a relationship then put myself back in a hostile environment like the one I endured as a child. So Elmo’s notion of what a family really is is actually very foreign to me. And for Nixon’s sake, I want to change that.

So, basically, I was hoping this year could be the last year of this crisis that we’ve let steal the past few years. I don’t want Nixon to miss out on what I missed out on as a child. She deserves a family that encompasses more than just her mom and dad and grandparents. She deserves aunts and uncles and cousins, and big holiday parties and lots and lots of kisses.

But this isn’t going to work if everyone isn’t onboard. If even just one person holds back and refuses to let go of the resentment and hostility that we’ve been clinging to, it will only serve as a painful reminder of everything that has happened and none of us will truly be able to move forward.

Let’s let 2012 be a better year for our family. Let’s reinstate family dinners and let’s start new traditions with the kids and really embrace each other.

Tiny Babies

2011-12-13T03:20:00.000-08:00

I’ve been having a hard time sleeping lately; the holidays do a pretty good job of wringing out my heart and sending my mind out on painful trips down memory lane, and I just can’t stop thinking enough to sleep. Sometimes reading helps, and last tonight, while browsing through the news on Google, I came across this article about two exceptionally healthy and thriving micro-preemies.

9.9 ounce baby madiline mann, now a college student

Born even smaller than our little peanut, the two girls featured in the article are a true testament to how strong we (humans) truly are, how far technology has come, and how early life truly begins. “One is a healthy first-grader, the other an honors college student majoring in psychology. Once the tiniest babies ever born, both girls are thriving, despite long odds when they entered the world weighing less than a pound.”

Their survival and the survival of preemies everywhere are proof that prayers are answered, and that life is so valuable. They are a reminder not to take our children for granted because so many have lost theirs.

One of the hardest days for me in the NICU was when one of the babies in Nixon’s pod didn’t make it. I was there when the doctors turned off the little guy's machines and I will never forget his mother’s cries. She just kept saying “I’m so sorry” over and over and over, trying to beg forgiveness from the baby that her own body forced her to give up 15 weeks too soon. I cried with her, as silently as I could, behind the curtain that separated her from where I sat holding Nixon. For hours she cried and apologized. I was face to face with my worst nightmare, and with my own guilt, and all I could do was hold my baby and cry and beg God not to take her because I couldn’t possibly live my life without her.

Adam holding Nixon's hand 3 days after she was born

So, reading this article a little less than a year after we brought our daughter home from the NICU, I think maybe I’ve been focusing too much on the bad in my life and not enough on our blessings.

Thank you God for blessing us with a beautiful, healthy and perfect daughter. We are truly grateful for her, and for all of the other miracle micro-preemies you’ve delivered out of NICUs around the world.

More Santa Pictures

2011-12-05T15:30:00.000-08:00

Nixon Meets Santa

2011-12-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

Adam, his parents and I took Nixon to the Shops at Mission Viejo yesterday to meet Santa, and it went really well. As expected, she wasn't afraid of him, and she didn't cry; she just sat in his lap, peered interestedly at his beard, and let us snap photos of the whole event. I am probably a horrible mom, because secretly I REALLY wanted one of those photos where the kid looks mortified of St. Nick, and is screaming in terror. That being said, the photos we DID get are great, and I'm happy our daughter is still fearless.

Here are some of the shots from today (the rest you'll have to wait for in the mail)!

I caught an elf!

The people at the MAC counter thought we put blush on her- We had to explain that she's just naturally BEAUTIFUL!


The candy cane bow is from Danica's Chic Bowtique, and her adorable outfit (minus the tutu) is from SewSimplySweetShop

Thanks again to my close friend Amanda Valbuena for coming with us and playing photographer!
You did a great job!