No Better Forum

The Only Thing You Have to Change

2013-08-23T11:54:00.000-06:00

I had a nightmare last night. I was walking down the street with my kids and they started to run off. I shouted for them to come back. Suddenly a shadow was cast over the street. Looking up, I saw a tsunami of lava (in dreamland tsunami + lava = tsunami of lava, kind of like a Sharknado). The lava tsunami was upon us before I could react. I was dead but somehow my soul was bound to the spot where I died. I lay there, silently screaming for my kids, for all eternity.

So that was awesome.

I don't want to become a "sobriety blogger" just as I don't want to become a "mom blogger," a "political blogger," or any other genre. I write what's on my mind, and I suppose what's on my mind recently is sobriety.

When I went to rehab eight months ago I was told that "the only thing you have to change is everything." I thought this applied to everyone except me. Obviously it meant people who have a bunch of drug friends and spend all their time partying, not happily married stay-at-home moms with a drinking problem. The only thing *I* needed to change was drinking too damn much.

I never got to the root of my drinking problem in rehab. Yeah, I had some issues, but mostly my life is pretty great. I must just have an "addictive personality."

My first few months back in the real world were spent with my head in the sand. I basically stayed in my house, played video games, and tried not to think too much. I was afraid of unexpected triggers in social situations.

I felt more confident as time passed. I began investing a little more in friendships and allowing myself to start facing problems.

Now I'm ready to put my head back in the sand. I'm realizing why I self-medicated for so many years. The feeling reminds me of that children's rhyme "Going on a Bear Hunt":

Going on a bear hunt, I'm not afraid.

Got a real good friend by my side.

Uh, oh! What do I see?

Oh look! It's some tall grass.

Can't go over it.

Can't go under it.

Can't go around it.

Got to go through it.

Bear hunts were a lot more exciting when I was eight:

I'm in bankruptcy-level debt.

My house is always a mess.

I'm obese.

I'm concerned my son is autistic.

I don't have close friends because I have trouble connecting with people.

I'm terrified of natural disasters.

I think the atheists are right about god.

Where do I even start with that list? I've got a doctor's appointment for my son. I've been focusing on keeping basic chores around the house caught up. I'm starting on Dave Ramsey's "Baby Steps" plan for getting out of debt.

None of that feels like enough. It's completely overwhelming. I have zero coping skills because I've always coped by consuming alcohol, tobacco, or prescription drugs. The only thing I can do is go through it, like the song says, and hope I can figure it out along the way.

Speaking of hope. The atheism thing. I always thought atheists were happy about being atheists, and thus I could never be one because I wanted to believe in something greater than myself. I think now, however, that many atheists also want to believe but they simply cannot.

I read this on Yahoo! Answers the other day in response to the question "Where do atheists find comfort and guidance in life?":

If by 'comfort and guidance' you mean the same type experienced when you believe in a god/afterlife, in most cases there is very little that can give you the same level of reassurance. However, it is somewhat comforting to know that you don't have to live your life based on the law of a religion but instead follow your own moral code; it is comforting to know that you don't need to spend your life worrying about some eternal punishment that is far more terrible than anything in this life; it is comforting to know that we won't live for all eternity but rather have a limited amount of time on this Earth and that we must not spend too much time worrying about the absence of god but rather try and make the most of our lives and do what we can to help others in need so that they might also make the most of their lives.

I can't speak for all atheists, but for me nothing will ever fill the void of the reassurance I once received from believing in god, and my lack of faith is something that I just had to adjust to. However, life is still just as beautiful; there's music, art, poetry, science, films, friendship, family, love, literature, sport, nature and all the other things that make life amazing. It is easy to simply turn to religion to tell you what the meaning of your life is, however it is more fulfilling to discover your own purpose for yourself.

Yikes. I've heard the "music, art, poetry, blah blah blah" stuff before and it doesn't do anything to make me feel better. My family is the only thing that gives me true meaning without the supernatural and they are so fragile, so breakable, so mortal.

Feel uplifted yet? Yeah. Me neither.

I do feel optimistic. It's kind of like cleaning a teenager's room. You take all the dirty dishes, love notes, school books, electronics, stinky socks, etc. and throw them on the bed. It looks insurmountable, but as you start chipping away at the pile you feel better. The pile will never be gone, in this analogy. There will always be stressors and unexpected life events. Once I've developed coping mechanisms that work, however, the mess will be smaller and easier to clean.

I hope.

-Kim

Non-Celebrity Rehab

2013-06-26T17:18:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow (June 27, 2013) marks six months of sobriety for me.

I spent 28 days in rehab and then spent the next five months figuring out why they taught us what they taught us. I'm very much a "why" person (as a parent I realize this is genetically going to bite me in the ass).

The gist of my situation is that I started smoking cigarettes in my teens, started drinking heavily after I quit smoking at 29, and have always struggled with compulsive overeating and various prescription drug abuses. I've also been diagnosed (before all this) with ADHD, generalized anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder.

It's super fun here in my head, join me!

Rehab is intensive - with vast amounts of information being conveyed in a very short time - but a few salient points stuck with me:

1) Addiction is a disease* involving the reward pathway in the brain;

2) All aspects of my life must be balanced in order for me to succeed;

3) I can't do it alone. Honestly I don't know how anyone does it alone or with a shaky support system, because I have the best support and the best situation I can imagine for this and it still sucks.

So in my entire adult life I have never had a properly functioning release of dopamine, the "feel good" chemical in the brain. Chemical stimuli have led my brain to believe that it needs 1,000 hypothetical units of dopamine to feel okay when the most I can obtain through normal activity (cuddling kids, exercise, etc.) is 48 units.

Notice I said "feel okay." The truth is I feel pretty blah most of the time. I love my life, don't get me wrong, but I actually *feel* bored. My inclination is to fill this with video games, fatty foods, etc. which are quick fixes in the same way a beer would have been a quick fix.

I am trying to learn the second point above - balance. The best way for me to function is to maintain a balance of physical exercise, spiritual fulfillment (meditation = the bomb), friendships, and healthful eating. A low glycemic diet is amazing for addiction recovery, I can testify to this.

It's taken me five months just to get to the point of realizing the stuff that's in that last paragraph. Slow learner.

Now I've got to actually *implement* it. I'm ADHD, so that's basically like saying "The answer is underneath that sleeping bear, just go pick it up."

Since I've been out of rehab I've been on a low glycemic diet, I've exercised, I've meditated, but doing it all at the same time is rough. I have to look at it in terms of progress: I didn't do anything with anyone for quite some time when I first came home. I was scared to leave the house because I didn't know how to handle stress or temptation at all. Now I do things with friends about once per week. I meditate daily. I'm starting to get on track again with keeping the house tidy (a huge obstacle for me).

I still feel like a newborn baby, though. Sometimes expectations are the worst. I realize that other people often think I need to "get used to" being around alcohol eventually. Not actually the case. If I were allergic to dogs would I need to "get used to" them?

We all know that guy who has been in recovery for 19 years and goes out to bars with his buddies, no problem. I'm not that guy. I'm someone who drank WAY too much for way too long and now I'm learning how to live without it. Some days keeping a cool head takes all my focus. If I am overtired, stressed, sick, or just plain ready to strangle the kids I have to find a way to calm myself down so I don't go into the danger zone of wanting to drink.

This perception our society has of people in recovery being self-righteous goody two-shoes - what in the actual fuck?! Don't get me wrong, I used to feel that way too. But this takes more strength than anything else I've ever done.

I have a secret weapon, though. My super rad tattoo reminds me why I did it:

Atomic Art Tattoo

Have you hugged an addict today?

-Kim

*I don't want to debate semantics. It may or may not be a "disease" in the strict definition of the word. Whether or not it's physiological prior to the addiction it is absolutely physiological once the addiction has begun.

What Does a (Lazy, ADHD) Stay-at-Home Parent DO All Day?

2013-05-09T15:02:00.001-06:00

(This post is a response to one of my favorite blogs, Family Organic.)

I was a career woman before I had kids. I admit, I thought that the stay-at-home life looked pretty easy. I mean, you take care of a child (or two, or three, or seven) and keep the house tidy and make dinner. How hard is that?

If you've ever wondered what, exactly, stay-at-home parents do with their time, I thought I'd give a glimpse of a typical day in our life. Wednesday, to be exact.

A Day in the Life of a (Lazy, ADHD) Stay-at-Home Parent

5:00 am - Sleep. Drool a little.

5:20 am - Husband's alarm goes off. Grunt and roll over.

6:00 am - Hear the house alarm beeping as husband resets it on his way out.

6:15 am - Sleep.

6:30 am - Sleep.

7:00 am - Sleep.

7:30 am - Alarm goes off. Kids are starting to stir. Grin at their coos, then curse and turn off the baby monitor as they begin their morning ritual of shouting "HELP! THIS IS NOT MY MOM! HELP! THIS IS NOT MY DAD!" to see who can do it loudest.

8:00 am - Roll out of bed. Pick out kid clothes. Assemble "car breakfasts" on plastic plates (Fiber One bar, banana, multivitamins, raisins... OMG! Two fruits! I did it without even trying. Suck it, Sara!) and portable milk sippy cups.

8:30 am - Leave for preschool.

9:10 am - Arrive at preschool. What is UP with the traffic lately? Deposit one child at the school.

9:45 am - Grocery store with toddler. I actually enjoy going to the store with just one kid. Not as much as I enjoy sitting on my couch, mind you, but somewhat.

11:00 am - Get 3/4 through checking out with a full cart of groceries and realize I left the debit card in my car. Remedy the situation then return home to unload.

11:30 am - Leave to get kid from preschool.

12 n - 1:00 pm - Retrieve child, go to car wash / bank / gas station.

1:15 pm - Race into the house before I pee my pants. Wash hands then prepare lunch.

1:45 pm - Restart the load of stinky laundry I forgot to dry (okay, "didn't want to get off my ass and dry" is more accurate) last night. Set the stove timer for one hour then sit down to play Plague, Inc.

2:45 pm - Timer goes off. Grumble. Unload dishwasher, change laundry loads, reset timer, return to video game.

3:45 pm - Timer goes off. Grumble. Change laundry loads, "tidy" for five minutes, dye hair purple. Shower.

5:00 pm - Prepare dinner for kids.

6:00 pm - Bathe kids.

7:30 pm - Daddy comes home. Brush teeth / potty / jammies / bedtime stories / lullabies / bed.

7:45 pm - Husband prepares himself dinner.

8:00 pm - Watch Dexter.

9:30 pm - Husband shaves and goes to bed.

10:00 pm - Video games.

12 m - Soothe child who has inexplicably begun screaming. Then go to bed.

7:30 am - Start over.

In comparing my day as a stay-at-home parent to my colleague's I see one or two teensy areas that could be improved. Just the entire afternoon is all. And the eating dinner as a family thing. Cooking for my spouse. Just those things.

Still, best job ever.

-Kim

(Typed with a four-year-old literally on my back who is explaining why she didn't bring the grasshopper she found at school home for a pet. She also wants to know if corn snakes actually eat corn. And if the mole on the back of my neck has brains in it. Perhaps there is a little more to this job than I give myself credit for.)

Windows 8 Preview: A Scientific Analysis

2012-05-05T11:55:00.001-06:00

I downloaded the Windows 8 Consumer Preview onto my Netbook. I couldn't wait, it sounded so awesome.

And it's okay, I guess.

Here's what I expected: All my documents, games, etc. would be smartly imported into a slick, new, super-intuitive interface. Screen shots like the one below gave me a mistaken impression.

Kewl! My PC will be like an iPad!

Here's what I didn't realize: there's still a regular old desktop. The Metro interface (above) sort of replaces the Start Menu. It feels like my PC has a split personality. Actually it feels like they got halfway through some great ideas and said Fuck It! Good enough. We'll finish up in Windows 9.

My Windows 8 desktop:

It's so innovative, so slick, so... exactly the same.

They're not done with Windows 8 yet. They disclaim when you download the preview that the actual release may be significantly different. I hope so, because my Control Panel doesn't look anything like this:

Promotional image of Control Panel.

My Control Panel looks, just, regular.

There is plenty of noteworthy new functionality available with Windows 8, but I'm just writing about my initial impression.

Windows had a long way to go to catch up with everyone else. In that sense, I guess, I'm impressed. But they just copied everything everyone else has been doing for years ("Ooh! We need an app store!").

With the recent death of Steve Jobs leaving Apple's future slightly uncertain, Microsoft had a big chance here to take back some market share. Instead they built a great big yawn.

I'll just keep switching back and forth between my PC and my iPad because they both have things they do well. -Kim

Exclusive Recipe: Easy Rainbow Bonbons

2012-04-30T10:33:00.002-06:00

This is the second installment in my series of original recipes by Cordon Bleu Chef James Morgan. View the first recipe here. Enjoy! -Kim

Chef Morgan: These simple-to-make treats are my colorful versions of the Brazilian Brigadeiro. They are very popular at birthday parties.

Time: 30 minutes of active preparation

Number of bonbons: About 16

Ingredients:

1 can sweetened condensed milk
3 Tbsp cocoa powder
1 Tbsp butter
Rainbow sprinkles

Printer Friendly Version

Instructions:

Spray a plate with cooking spray.
Mix the milk, cocoa, and butter in a nonstick sauce pan.
Stir constantly over medium heat for 10 to 15 minutes until the mixture thickens (becomes like soft fudge). To tell if it’s ready, when you tilt the pan, the mixture will fall easily away from the side of the pan.
Pour the mixture onto the sprayed plate. Allow to cool completely to room temperature. It should be taffy-like after cooling.
Pour a nice pile of the sprinkles into a bowl.
Lightly moisten the palms of your hands (to keep the candy from sticking to them).
Place a tablespoon of the fudge into the palm of your hand.
Roll it into a ball between the palms of your hands.
Roll the candy ball in the sprinkles.
Put the resulting bonbon onto a clean plate.
Repeat until all the fudge is used up. Chill the candies to set their shape.

Biography

Chef James Morgan is a graduate of Le Cordon Bleu Culinary Academy. He has appeared on the TV programs Bobby Flay’s Food Nation, MasterChef USA, and Taste of Louisiana.

Chef Morgan has served as chef at several restaurants, including: The Pointe Tapatio, Phoenix, Arizona; White Oak Plantation, Baton Rouge, Louisiana; and LaFitte’s Landing, Donaldsonville, Louisiana.

He is the author of the textbook Culinary Creation: An Introduction to Foodservice and World Cuisine, available at Amazon.com. Spanish version also available.

Men's Rights Movement

2012-04-21T13:06:00.001-06:00

http://www.nobetterforum.blogspot.com/2012/04/mens-rights-movement.html

The men's rights activists on Reddit don't want to talk to me. I made the mistake of identifying myself as a "feminist" when I first started posting and it's gone downhill from there. For some bizarre reason they seem to think feminists are a single organized group of man-hating psychos.

All feminists

In my ignorance I was going by the Merriam Webster definition:

The advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.

Forgive me if I sound bitter, but I wasn't exactly welcomed into the fold. In fact I was eventually told:

"We don't want you, we don't need you, fuck off."

Well, sir, I happen to be raising a man and I care a lot more about him than I do about you. If our society promotes injustice against men it will affect him so, with all due respect, you fuck off.

The men's rights movement, like any other group, is filled with humans. Some are assholes, some aren't, and even some of the assholes have valid points.

My favorite comment sums up many of the men's rights issues beautifully:

"We are vulnerable because we are expected to be invulnerable."

Wow.

Here are a few points I can sink my teeth into.

Nobody cares about domestic violence against men.

Women (and gay men) can be abusive, too, but society doesn't provide any protection for men in dangerous relationships.

Consider the case of Katherine Knight, the Australian murderer who carved up her partner with her own professional butcher knives, then cooked him into steaks.

Prior to becoming dinner the victim contacted Katherine's ex-husband in terror and attempted to learn how he escaped the marriage. On the day of his murder the victim told co-workers that she was going to kill him, but he had to return home for the sake of his children.

Men have nowhere to hide when they are victims of abuse.

We assume men are always receptive to sexual advances.

I did it myself in this post.

"Let's face it, the best possible outcome of every conversation for a man is a blow job."

I apologize.

I won't go into detail about the implications of unwanted sexual advances because they are the same for men as they are for women.

Men are consistently screwed when it comes to child custody.

I'll be honest, as a mom I hate this one. I know a woman who had custody taken away from her by a judge who wanted to win one for Team Dad. She's a great mom and there was no good reason for the kids to be removed from her custody.

Think about this, though: that happens to dads constantly. Dads don't get custody unless mom is dead or a junkie (usually). What happened to my friend wasn't fair, but what happens to dads isn't fair either. Instead of the joy of parenting, dads are saddled with the enormous financial burden of child support.

We need a better system. On the topic of dads...

Dads aren't considered real parents.

I've already written about this. It's my top post of all time (look at the sidebar). My article was published at The Good Men Project. The subject obviously resonates with many people.

Women are trying to have their cake and eat it, too.

If we claim to want equality we need to behave as equals. Here's a great illustration of the problem (click to enlarge):

I don't agree with everything they have to say, but the Men's Rights Movement has validity and deserves respect.

By the way, a person who seeks equality for everyone is called an egalitarian. I guess that's how I should have introduced myself. -Kim (an egalitarian)

http://www.nobetterforum.blogspot.com/2012/04/mens-rights-movement.html

Additional reading:
What We Stand For
MensActivism.org
Wikipedia Men's Rights

The Obesity Boogeyman

2012-04-13T15:24:00.000-06:00

http://nobetterforum.blogspot.com/2012/04/obesity-boogeyman.html

Some New York parents want to ban ice cream trucks near parks where children play.

"Mom Sarah Schenck shared with the Post: 'Nobody wants to be a crank, but one in three kids are going to be obese or diabetic by high school,' she said. 'When my kids see other kids get ice cream, they just start begging me. I just don’t think these are the fights we should be having.'"

Have these people never read a parenting book? (Parenting With Love & Logic, my personal fave).

Very simple solution:

"I WANT ICE CREAM! ROGER HAS ICE CREAM! IT'S NOT FAIR!"

"Roger's mommy is in charge of Roger and it's none of your business. You had a lollipop at the bank today and I think that's enough sugar. I've got some snacks in my purse for you if you'd like."

"NOOOOO I WANT ICE CREAM WAH!" (My daughter actually says the word "Wah").

"You have three choices: You may go play, you may have a snack, or we can go home. Which would you like to do?"

The ice cream seller is not a drug dealer. Obesity is not a ravenous child-eating demon poised to devour your daughter the moment you relent.

Children must be exposed to temptation in order to understand the benefits to healthy eating choices. They must be taught the difference between "treats" and just pigging out on junk all the time.

I have a dear friend who chooses to feed her family mostly home grown produce and organic treats. She steers the kids away from high fructose corn syrup and makes an effort to provide nutritional snacks for the kids.

She does not, however, forbid her children from ever having candy. Instead she focuses on communicating with the kids after they eat sweets. She asks them to describe how they feel after devouring that fistful of Peeps. Because, of course, we all feel like ass after overindulging in sweets. We just try to ignore it.

I think this is a great approach!

A recent study from the University Of Louisiana actually indicates that children who are given sweets on a fairly regular basis are 22% less likely to become overweight or obese.

I'm obese. I've gone up and down my entire life. Right now, I'm up. What metabolically endowed folks don't seem to understand, however, is that we fat folks are very attuned to our children's health. Many of us are working to keep our children active (in fact teach them to enjoy exercise). We also do a lot of reading on the subject and consult with our pediatricians.

We understand, more intimately than many, the psychology of fat.

Teach your child to love an active lifestyle;

Don't forbid sweets;

Help them understand from an early age what good nutrition can mean for them throughout their lives.

Or, you know, just ban ice cream trucks. That'll take care of the problem. -Kim

http://nobetterforum.blogspot.com/2012/04/obesity-boogeyman.html

The Conservative Challenge

2012-03-29T12:28:00.000-06:00

I want to debate a conservative blogger on sociopolitical topics.

"Debate," to me, means to discuss in a calm and rational manner. Frankly our current political climate frightens me. We've fallen into the habit of shouting our opinions into the wind, metaphorically, through social media outlets. Politicians and pundits can't seem to refrain from name-calling, exaggeration, and fear-mongering.

My opponent must enjoy this sort of thing. If you feel stressed out just thinking about discussing politics then this challenge probably isn't for you. If we can develop an amicable relationship the conversation may go on indefinitely.

My positions:

Abortion. I've posted on this already, I probably agree with you for the most part.

Gay marriage / adoption. I'm bisexual. Bring it on.

Gun control. This would be fun. I'm liberal but married to an outdoorsman / hunter / fisherman. I'd love to debate this.

"Obamacare." Very much pro-Obamacare.

Separation of church and state. I think some of the statements being made by the right, such as Bryan Fischer's assertion that Islam should not be granted First Amendment rights, have no basis in fact.

These are just a few, I'm open to ideas!

Here are my rules for debate:

Respect the humanity of the person you are debating. Neither side is inherently evil or out to destroy the fabric of society.

No name-calling. Be nice.

Avoid inflammatory verbiage. Example: "Conservatives will never be willing to protect women's rights." The words Never and Always are especially inflammatory.

Be willing to concede points. Nobody is right about everything.

Smile. It's just a conversation.

If you know a conservative blogger please send them this link. If you are a conservative blogger just dive right in! Post something then comment below with a link to it. I wouldn't mind debating several people, so don't be bashful.

You could also respond to one of my controversial posts:

The Homosexual Agenda

Abortion, Part II

The Trouble With Gender

Sarah Palin: Betrayal of Nowhere

Let's show the world that even hot-button topics can be discussed calmly and productively. -Kim

Bullies, Born or Bred?

2012-03-28T15:32:00.000-06:00

I tried to commit suicide at age 13 as the result of bullying.

Needless to say I've been following the recent media focus on bullies quite closely. The It Gets Better Project is wonderful but we need to be aware of bullying as an issue for non-LGBT youth as well (I am bisexual but that wasn't the source of my problems).

The message of the It Gets Better Project is critical. The reason kids are committing suicide is because all they can see is TODAY. They are incapable of understanding the big picture, and just how temporary school is in the grand scheme of things.

What creates a bully? Why do they feel compelled to make other people feel worthless? I don't know.

The girl who shoved me off the brink was my "best friend." I knew her for many years. She came from a perfectly normal family. Maybe they weren't as involved in her life as they should have been, but I certainly never saw evidence of any type of abuse.

Yet, over time, this child became increasingly cruel. She was obsessed with popularity. Her chubby, intelligent, fashion-backward best friend blocked the path so she found a way around. She made fun of me with her "popular" friends, played tricks on me, berated me in private, and even physically assaulted me on several occasions.

This happened gradually, of course. My best friend and confidant didn't become my worst nightmare overnight. As her focus on popularity grew so did her contempt for me.

Middle school is a bitch, ain't it? I don't think there is a person alive who recalls seventh grade with fondness. Middle school is like purgatory for adolescents.

POOF! You have breasts!

POOF! You have pimples!

POOF! You're almost to high school, and those kids drive cars, man, so if you aren't cool enough they're gonna eat you alive!

Certainly it was where my situation reached critical mass.

Tyler Long committed suicide in 2009. Ellen DeGeneres interviewed his parents, who are featured in the movie Bully. While it is obvious that Ellen cares, it's also obvious that she has no idea what to say. I love Ellen. I'm not picking on Ellen. But what needed to be said was this:

Parents alone can't do it.
Teachers alone can't do it.
EVERY adult in a child's life needs to be aware of bullying and work to put an end to it.

It bothered me how much emphasis Ellen put on the bullies themselves. She implied that they should feel guilt over what they said. Of course they feel guilt! They were kids at the time. What kind of stupid shit did you do when you were a kid? Do you feel guilty? At least it didn't cause someone to end their life.

Ellen also said that children "don't just do" something like that (bullying), they have to be taught. I disagree. Kids are assholes*. They must be taught kindness.

My advice to concerned parents is to teach your children empathy from a young age. Don't assume your sweet little angel will never be a bully, they will. The pack mentality of children will almost always incite them to pick on the weaker members.

You must also teach them strength. If I had rolled my eyes and said "Whatever!" the first time my friend tried to make me feel bad about myself I would have been better off. If I had sought friends who built me up instead of tearing me down I would have had a happier childhood.

Parents alone can't do it.
Teachers alone can't do it.
EVERY adult in a child's life needs to be aware of bullying and work to put an end to it.

Please make a difference to the children in your life. Start by seeing the movie Bully, in theaters March 30th. -Kim

*I want to elaborate on the statement "kids are assholes." My 3.5 year old daughter has a weekly play date with two boys of the same age, Charlie and Marco. Charlie and Marco play nicely together, Bethany and Charlie play nicely together, but when the three of them play they ALWAYS leave Marco out. Marco often ends up on his mom's lap with a sad face.

Charlie's mom and I work with our kids in private to help them understand what they are doing to Marco. I ask Bethany "How many friends are you playing with today?"

"Two."

"What are their names?"

"Charlie and Marco."

"Are you playing with Marco, or just Charlie?"

"We're all playing!"

"That's not what I'm seeing, sweetheart. I see you and Charlie playing without Marco. Do you know what Marco said? He said you and Charlie are his best friends. Do you think you're being a good best friend?"

"Yes."

"How would it make you feel if Charlie and Marco played together and never played with you."

"It would make me feel sad."

"How do you suppose Marco feels when you and Charlie play without him all the time?"

"Sad."

"I think you're right. What do you think you could do to make him feel better?"

"I can give him a hug!"

"That's a great idea. Then maybe you can ask him to play with you."

Children must be taught kindness and empathy. It doesn't come naturally to most of them.

Agape Sunday: Homosexual Agenda

2012-03-25T13:23:00.001-06:00

Agape /äˈgäˌpā/

Noun: Christian Love

On Sundays I try to bridge the gap between the left and the religious right.

We cannot ask our opponents to listen to our point of view if we are unwilling to listen to theirs. Our nation will never find peace if we don't learn to communicate.

The media darling for the religious right is American Family Association, parent group of One Million Moms.

We've all heard the phrase "homosexual agenda." Many Christian conservatives use this to describe what they believe LGBT people wish to achieve. Most liberals aren't entirely certain what it means, but it sends our hackles up nonetheless.

AFA spelled out exactly what they fear will happen if homosexuals accomplish their agenda in this article: Click Here.

Liberals: set your indignation aside and read it.

If you believe they are wrong, why are they wrong?

Could you rewrite this article and make the same points without using inflammatory verbiage?

Do they have any valid points from which you could launch a productive discussion?

Example: "It would be very difficult to conceive of any 'organized effort' seeking to attain an end that does not have an agenda."

True statement. Maybe we should stop getting angry at the term itself. LGBT persons DO have an agenda.

Conservative Christians: set your own beliefs aside and read it.

Do agree with the article 100%? Why or why not?

Are you comfortable with AFA essentially representing you in the media?

Can you find any concession points from which you could launch a productive discussion with a homosexual person?

Example: "The critical first step towards this end occurred in 1973, when gay activists succeeded in forcing the American Psychiatric Association (APA) to remove homosexuality from its list of mental disorders."

This quote cites no reference and is written in an inflammatory manner. Would it be fair to rewrite the segment about the APA as follows:

"The critical first step towards this end occurred in 1973 with a controversial decision by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) to remove homosexuality from its list of mental disorders."

(Extra credit for both sides: What goals do you believe are on the homosexual agenda? Why?)

If this post made you think, please take a moment to post to Facebook or email to a friend. I look forward to reading your comments below. -Kim

Strange Things. Scary Things.

2012-03-23T11:02:00.000-06:00

A while back I posted about abortion. I was voicing support, from a liberal perspective, for the proposed requirement for women seeking abortions to have a trans-vaginal ultrasound prior to the procedure. In the comments beneath that post one reader told me:

"You give them an inch and they will take a mile. Starting down the personhood path will lead to things you don't like but it will be too late to turn back the clock."

I'll be honest. At the time I thought the comment was a bit alarmist. It turned out to be some kind of crazy accurate prediction.

Since I wrote that post the following news items have surfaced:

An Arizona lawmaker suggested women be required to watch an abortion prior to receiving one.

An Alaska lawmaker suggested the father be required to give permission for an abortion.

An Idaho lawmaker suggested that physicians probe more deeply when a woman comes in with a "rape issue" (pregnancy resulting from rape) to determine if she's telling the truth or if the pregnancy is actually the result of normal marital relations.

The Arizona Senate passed a bill protecting physicians who choose not to disclose fetal medical conditions which may cause the pregnant woman to consider an abortion.

AZ Rep. Terri Proud

NO!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!

When I wrote my post I stupidly assumed that we were talking about legislation written with sensitivity and forethought. I assumed women who were pregnant from non-consensual sex would not be part of the bargain.

I stand by my original post, but I would rather 10,000 unnecessary abortions be performed than watch our rights and our dignity be stripped away.

Conservative women, I implore you - we are looking at more of the same under a Romney or Santorum administration. Please consider your gender when heading to the polls. I'm not even suggesting you change sides, but find a more reasonable candidate! I know you are angry and feel the Democratic White House has caused more harm than good, but if you over correct and elect someone who does not support basic civil liberties we may be thrown back into the last century. -Kim

Letters to Target

2012-03-20T16:27:00.000-06:00

While looking at Target's Facebook fan page I discovered a treasure trove of delight! I think I'll make Target's fan page part of my daily online routine. And add "Target customer service representative" to the list of jobs I'll never, ever apply for.

Ahem...

Target you are one fail use of a company, how can you fire one of my good friends for something that happened in 2009 when it's 2012? I hope your company burns. -Colt Royster

This is absolutely DISGUSTING, If this is true!! I am a loyal customer of Target for both Grocery and personal items. I shop at your store at least 2-3 a week. If this does not change soon I will be forced to take my grocery shopping somewhere they do NOT sell beef with Pink Slime!!!!!!!! -Jamie

(Target's response to the "pink slime," FYI: "Target is committed to providing high quality and safe products to our guests. We place great emphasis on sourcing food and products from industry leaders for safety and quality. Our ground beef vendors do not use an ammonium hydroxide treatment in their production processes.")

ARE WE IN AMERICA????? YOUR COMMERCIALS ARE AN INSULT TO ME....I UNDERSTAND THE WORDS ONLY BECAUSE MY FATHER SPEAKS FLUENT FRENCH!!! THIS IS AMERICA AND IF YOU BROADCAST ON OUR TV SERVICE OUR COMMERCIALS AND EVERYTHING ELSE NEED TO BE IN ENGLISH!! I CHOOSE NOT TO BUY ANYTHING FROM YOUR STORES AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT ADVERTISE IN OUR ENGLISH LANGUAGE.....WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???? -Renee

If you are going to become more successful, you have to get out of denial and face what isn’t working in your life. Is your marriage failing? Sales on a 3 month downward trend? Are you in denial about your lack of energy and excess weight? Successful people face these circumstances squarely, heed the warning signs, and take appropriate action, no matter how uncomfortable or challenging it might be. -Jack Canfield

WELL BACK FROM Target WIT NESSA HAD FUNN WENT 2 marshals & GOT THISS CUTEE HOLISTER SHIRT :D BUT ME & NESSA WANA NOO SOMEN. . . . !!
LM$ WHO LIVE BY CENTRAL PARK THO. . . . ??
#R.I.P LISHAA ♥ -Andrenika

My personal favorite:

How does Target honor celebrate God--Jesus at this time of year? What about fans of end-time prophecy. Does Target cater to this new phenom.? What about the new Messianic Judaism, Jewish people who celebrate Jesus--Yeshua, His death & Resurrection with Passover, how is this handled? Bible prophecy after the great war at Har Megiddo where God Yeshua ha Mashiach Jesus Christ in english helps Israel by destroying all the nations that come against her to surround her in that valley at the north of Israel and the south of Syria ezekiel 38, Matthew 24, Revelations, Zachariah 12-14. Her enemies will be the sons of sheth, moab edom, the arab nations with meshach rosh and tubal, russia, asian confederacy, a 200 million man army, but God defends her, they come after the temple is built and the false messiah / worship system of the beast stands in it, the beast is Europes symbol, the antichrist comes from the reunified roman empire he stands in the temple and commands worship, the jewish people realize it and tear their robes, the temple is destroyed, the war starts. Then destruction comes from heaven. Confess Jesus today all Israel will it is written Yeshua Ha Mashiach Ben Adonai comes, Maranatha, blessed is He Who comes in the name of the Lord Hosanna. Baruch haba ata B' Shem Adonai. Olam haba aharitha yamin. End of days prophecy. A great blessing and revelation of Jesus today. It brought such peace, strength victory against the attacks of satan. It silenced the roar of the lion. Just Jesus. He is our Savior, He is the Word of God, He is the Way, the truth and the life. The Word of God "discloses" Jesus to us, God desires "truth in the inward parts." The Bible alone is truth, Jesus is truth. God hates signs and wonders, He is the true sign and wonder, as it is written. 2010 years ago people were commanded to look for the sign of a baby lying in a manger with His mother and "behold a virgin shall be with child." Here is your sign. Then the sign of the son of man is like Jonah in the belly of the whale--speaking of His death and resurrection, "3 days and 3 nights He shall be in the belly of the earth". But He shall rise again. Here is our sign. For our generation we are to look for a sign in the heavens, the sign of the coming of the son of man. Jesus on the clouds of heaven coming with great glory and might (Matthew 24). This is the true sign and wonder, not the lying sign and wonders gospels out there. If it is not Jesus in the flesh or as the Word of God, it is a lying false sign and wonder. It has no power only the gospel of Jesus Christ has power. it s "the power of God to save." What is more important than salvation? "Is there anything too hard for the Lord." "Many shall come out of great tribulation."The Bible "discloses" Jesus to us, the gospel of His death and resurrection, this is all we need, "we must be born again." No other gospel can exist, no other work can compare to the work of God through Jesus Christ. "All our righteousness (works) are as filthy rags." We don't have to do anything-- Christ did it all, paid the full penalty for our sins on the cross and "sat down on the right hand of the majesty on high." "It is finished." So live! we are free in Christ Jesus. "If Christ has set you free you are free indeed." Anything plus the gospel is a lie. The ultimate test of any sign or wonder or claim to doctrinal truth is, is it Jesus in the flesh, our sign to watch for in this generation "look up your redemption draws nigh." Or is it the Full Word of God "behold in the volume of the book is it written of me to do Thy will." "cast out the bond servant." Prepare for the marriage supper of the Lamb that was slain. "Behold I come and My reward is with Me." --The Bible alone is Spirit and life, Jesus is the Spirit of God, He alone is Almighty God, Jehovah, in the flesh. No other sign or wonder can live up to these two witnesses the Word of God and Jesus Himself. "Out of the mouth of two or three witnesses a thing is established." It is time for the church to repent the day of the Lord draweth nigh." "righteous and true are Thy judgements Oh Lord." Prepare to see the Earth reaped and the dead stand by the Spirit of God--Jesus. There is no other sign. Jesus is the "glory of God". "Every eye shall see, every tongue shall confess Jesus is Lord." Hallelujah. "The knowledge of Christ shall cover the Earth as the waters cover the sea." "Great is Thy faithfulness Oh Lord my God." He cometh to judge the quick and the dead." "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you and your house shall be saved." It is easy "only believe." Our Master and God's requirement for life eternal. We do not have to wear ourselves out doing any work, physical or spiritual. We can "enter His rest" Just Live, "just do it."
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 Jesus is LORD AND GOD YESHUA HA MASHIACH BEN ADONAI CKNU KADOSH KADOSH. I hope Target Corporation learns from this message and it fans. God Bless you all, Amen. - Saul

Me too, Saul. Me too.

Exclusive Recipe: Twenty Bunny Pie

2012-03-18T17:19:00.001-06:00

As promised - the first in No Better Forum's exclusive guest posts with original recipes by Chef James Morgan (see biography at the end of this post). Enjoy! I know I will.

-Kim

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Twenty Bunny Pie

Chef James Morgan

This delightful dessert consists of a graham cracker crust topped with layers of chocolate, caramel, bananas and whipped cream. The pie is surrounded with 20 colorful Marshmallow Peeps® bunnies.

Prep Time: 45 Minutes
Cool Time: 45 Minutes

Complete Ingredient Listing:

1-3/4 cups graham cracker crumbs
1/4 cup sugar
1 cup butter
8 oz dark chocolate, chopped
1 cup heavy cream
4 tsps corn syrup
1 Jar Smucker's® Hot Caramel Ice Cream Topping
2-3 bananas
1 tbsp cocoa powder
10 oz Cool Whip®
20 Marshmallow Peeps® Bunnies

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Graham Cracker Crust Layer

1-3/4 cups graham cracker crumbs

1/4 cup sugar

1/2 cup melted butter

1. Preheat oven to 350°.

2. Mix the ingredients in a bowl.

3. Press the mixture evenly into the bottom of a 10” springform pan.

4. Bake for 15 min.

5. Let cool completely to room temperature

Chocolate Layer

This layer is a chocolate "ganache."

Before beginning this process, separate 20 Marshmallow Peeps Bunnies of various colors and have them ready.

8 oz dark chocolate, chopped

1 cup heavy cream

4 tsps corn syrup

3 Tbsp butter

Place all ingredients into microwave-safe bowl.
Place into microwave oven.
Microwave for 1 minute.
Stir thoroughly with a wooden spoon.
Microwave 30 more seconds.
Stir again.
Continue until the ganache has a smooth, uniform consistency. Heat it only just enough to melt the chocolate. Do not overheat it or it may separate.
Pour ganache onto cooled crust in pan.
Swirl gently to distribute it evenly.
Allow the chocolate to cool for a few minutes.
Place the Peeps bunnies around the inside of the pan, with their eyes facing out.
Place pan into refrigerator to cool and set.

Chocolate layer with bunnies arranged

Caramel Layer

This one is easy. Spread a layer of Smucker's Toppings Hot Caramel Sauce (don’t heat it) over the top of the cooled chocolate layer. (This product is available in the ice cream toppings section at your grocery.)

Banana Layer

Slice about 2 or 3 bananas, about 1/4” thick.
Distribute slices evenly over the caramel layer.

After addition of caramel and bananas

Whipped Topping

Spread about 10 oz of Cool Whip over the pie. (I use Cool Whip in this because it is more stable than whipped cream, and easier to use.)
Dust with cocoa powder.
Carefully unsnap the ring and lift it from the pie.

Now watch it disappear!

Biography

Chef James Morgan is a graduate of Le Cordon Bleu Culinary Academy. He has appeared on the TV programs Bobby Flay’s Food Nation, MasterChef USA, and Taste of Louisiana.

Chef Morgan has served as chef at several restaurants, including: The Pointe Tapatio, Phoenix, Arizona; White Oak Plantation, Baton Rouge, Louisiana; and LaFitte’s Landing, Donaldsonville, Louisiana.

He is the author of the textbook Culinary Creation: An Introduction to Foodservice and World Cuisine, available at Amazon.com. Spanish version also available.

Sarah Palin: Betrayal of Nowhere

2012-03-16T15:08:00.000-06:00

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Beautiful, isn't she?

Sarah Palin looks like someone I'd like to have a couple of beers with. Down-to-Earth. Friendly.

I lived in Ketchikan, Alaska, from 1999 - 2009. I was there when she ran for governor, and I wanted to vote for her. As a feminist I loved her. Outspoken. Powerful. Yet, still relatable.

I couldn't vote for her, of course. She didn't stand for anything I held dear. But privately I was pulling for her. I wanted to see her succeed.

She understood Alaskans. She held town hall meetings throughout the state during her gubernatorial campaign. No small feat when you keep in mind that Alaska is huge, and its population is spread amongst countless tiny hamlets, many of which are inaccessible by road.

Southeast Alaska faces obstacles and misunderstanding at every turn by the rest of the nation. Some examples:

Jobs depend on the declining timber industry and fisheries that face tougher regulations every year. The Lower 48 seems to think it's some sort of free-for-all.

Bozos like Greenpeace come charging in when the weather is nice (Ketchikan gets roughly 160 inches of rain per year) and pass out flyers to locals telling them how things ought to be.

My husband and I hunted in unimaginably remote areas. We saw declining deer populations due to wolf overpopulation. It seemed we found fresh carcasses everywhere we went. The wolves (at the time, at least) were severely throwing the ecosystem off balance. (Remember the wolf control controversy?)

Ms. Palin seemed to understand all that. She was poised to become our defender and our advocate.

Now let's talk about The Bridge. You know the one. The Bridge to Nowhere.

Does the media ever get a story entirely right? No. Especially in situations like this where they can't possibly have all the information.

I'm not going to get it right, either, but I was there and I'd like to flesh out the bits I know to be true. The Bridge to Nowhere became such a media circus and an apparently flagrant example of pork barrel spending that Sarah Palin's utter Judas moment was lost in the shuffle.

That's why I want to write this article. Ms. Palin has become a much larger player and this story deserves to be told. I'm not out to get her. To be honest with you I never gave two craps about the bridge, personally. As a regular citizen it had little impact on my life. But I know people who did give a crap, and who had a lot invested in the outcome of the thing. Good people.

It's all there, if you look. Unfortunately nobody is looking anymore.

Let's start with some basic information about Ketchikan:

With a population of approximately 13,000 residents, Ketchikan is the 5th largest city in Alaska.

At the time of the bridge fiasco Ketchikan was headquarters to at least two major Alaskan businesses: First Bank and Northern Sales Company of Alaska. Many other businesses call Ketchikan home. The largest hospital in the area, Ketchikan General Hospital, provides critical Medivac service to many surrounding communities which are inaccessible by road. The Alaska State Troopers provide police support to the same communities. A sizable branch of the University of Alaska is located in Ketchikan.

Ketchikan itself is inaccessible by road. The only ways to arrive are via airplane or boat. Not a quick boat trip, either, but a multi-day ferry with beds and restaurants. Imagine the obstacles local businesses face bringing in product and distributing it to their customers on surrounding islands.

Ketchikan is located in the midst of the Tongass National Forest (a subtropical rainforest). Understandably there are countless restrictions to building on National Forest property so local businesses also face the odd problem of space restrictions on such a huge island.

Ketchikan's airport (the second largest in Southeast Alaska) is located across a narrow channel on Gravina Island. To get there you must cross the channel, in the rain, hauling your luggage up and down steep ramps. Locals don't mind, they're used to it. The bridge was never about getting locals more conveniently from point A to point B.

In 2007 Ketchikan saw 1,714,000 visitors (tourists). One million, seven hundred fourteen thousand tourists. Guess what Ketchikan's primary industry is?

Of these, 46% arrived by air. 49% arrived by cruise ship. I worked one block from the cruise ship dock for nine years, so I can tell you firsthand that this is an obscene number of people. Have you ever been close to a cruise ship? One of those mega liners? We were easily seeing four of those per day in the summer, sometimes up to six.

The above statistic means that nearly the same number were arriving by air. Do you know who those folks were? Sport fishermen, the rich guys on a summer getaway to their favorite lodge. Do you suppose those fellows are excited about lugging their equipment up and down steep ramps in the rain? Nope. Sort of bad for business, isn't it?

Nobody mentions that when they talk about the bridge to "Nowhere." Nor do they mention the fact that it had to be built so high because the cruise ships / commercial fishing boats / giant yachts had to pass beneath it.

Still, that wasn't part of Ms. Palin's betrayal. She blatantly betrayed the local business people who counted on her promise to build the bridge so they could have room to expand.

Quoted directly from Wikipedia:

Photo Source

In September 2006, during her campaign for Governor, Sarah Palin visited Ketchikan to express her support for the Gravina Island Bridge project. At a public forum, Palin held up a pro-bridge t-shirt designed by a Ketchikan artist, Mary Ida Henrikson. The legend on the shirt was "Nowhere Alaska 99901," referencing the buzzword of "Bridge to Nowhere" and the primary zip code of Ketchikan. In her public comments, referring to her own residence in the Matanuska-Susitna Valley, she said: "OK, you’ve got Valley trash standing here in the middle of nowhere. I think we’re going to make a good team as we progress that bridge project" in response to an insult expressed by the state Senate president, Ben Stevens.

In October 2006, when asked, "Would you continue state funding for the proposed Knik Arm and Gravina Island bridges?" she answered: "Yes. I would like to see Alaska's infrastructure projects built sooner rather than later. The window is now – while our congressional delegation is in a strong position to assist." Later that month, at a Chamber of Commerce meeting in Wasilla, Alaska, Democratic candidate Tony Knowles criticized Palin for supporting the Knik Arm Bridge, the Gravina Island Bridge, and a road north out of Juneau instead of rebuilding the Parks Highway. The Ketchikan Daily News noted that, of the gubernatorial candidates, "Only Palin is consistent in support all of the projects."

~Time passed and she decided to sell us out to further her career.~

Quoted from the same Wikipedia article:

On August 29, 2008, when introduced as Republican presidential nominee John McCain's running mate, Governor Palin told the crowd: "I told Congress, thanks but no thanks on that bridge to nowhere" — a line that garnered big applause but upset political leaders in Ketchikan. Palin's campaign coordinator in the city, Republican Mike Elerding, remarked, "She said 'thanks but no thanks,' but they kept the money." Ketchikan's Democratic Mayor Bob Weinstein also criticized Palin for using the term bridge to nowhere, which she had said was insulting when she was in favor of the bridge.

Although Palin was originally a main proponent of the bridge, McCain–Palin television advertisements claimed that Palin "stopped the Bridge to Nowhere." These claims have been widely questioned or described as misleading in several newspapers across the political spectrum. Howard Kurtz called this a "whopper," writing: "She endorsed the remote project while running for governor in 2006, claimed to be an opponent only after Congress killed its funding the next year and has used the $223 million provided for it for other state ventures." Newsweek, commenting on Palin's "astonishing pivot," remarked: "Now she talks as if she always opposed the funding."

...

While discussing the Gravina Island Bridge during an ABC News interview that aired on September 12, 2008, Charles Gibson made the following comment: "but it's now pretty clearly documented. You supported that bridge before you opposed it. You were wearing a t-shirt in the 2006 campaign, showed your support for the bridge to nowhere." Palin interrupted Gibson and insisted, "I was wearing a t-shirt with the zip code of the community that was asking for that bridge. Not all the people in that community even were asking for a $400 million or $300 million bridge."

Many media groups in the U.S. noted that Palin changed her position regarding the bridges, and concluded that she exaggerated her claim that she stopped the proposals from going through. According to the Los Angeles Times, for instance, while seeking votes for her governorship race, Palin told Ketchikan residents that she backed the "bridge to nowhere"; as governor, she spent the money elsewhere and moved ahead with a $26-million road to the nonexistent bridge. (emphasis mine)

After canceling the bridge, Palin's administration spent more than $25 million to build the Gravina Island Highway, which would have connected with the proposed bridge. According to Alaskan state officials, the road project went ahead because the money came from the federal government, and would otherwise have had to be returned. Because "no one seems to use" this road, it has been called the "road to nowhere" by CNN, many local Alaskans, and hundreds of other media sources.

CNN reporter Abbie Boudreau took a helicopter over the road. "There's no one on this road," she said. "It kind of just curves around then it just stops. That's where the bridge was supposed to pick up." Boudreau spoke to Mike Elerding, Palin's former campaign coordinator. When asked if he felt the road was "a waste of taxpayer money," he responded, "Without the bridge, yeah."

My question to you, Palin supporters, is simple: What has the "Valley Trash" promised you, and how much do you think it would take for her to sell you out, too? -Kim

My Meandering Financial Advice

2012-03-13T22:39:00.000-06:00

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Our family got hit by the bad economy. Hard. It didn't help that we made a major move and had two children right in the midst of it.

At one point we consulted a bankruptcy attorney. When he spoke to me about liquidating our assets I became determined to find another way to survive. Although I'm in no way materialistic I think I would sink into a deep depression without my wedding ring. Unfortunately it is quite valuable (I wouldn't care if it was tin and cubic zirconia). After 30+ years of being single - then finding the perfect Yin to my Yang - I just can't bear the thought of being without it.

I lost it once. I knew my daughter was involved. She's three. I grilled her mercilessly. I promised her the world in exchange for my ring back. I dug through weeks of disgusting garbage, piece by piece, in case it wound up in there somehow.

Weeks later she was playing near my husband's pool trophies (he's quite good). Bethany said, casually, "Mommy, the man has a crown! Look at his crown!"

I've never in my life felt relief like I did at that moment, when I turned around and saw this. The ring hasn't left my finger since.

None of this is the point.

I was a bank officer for many years. I've got a vague idea about finance. If you want real advice visit The Motley Fool. They are WAY smarter than me. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

I'd like to share some simple tips I've learned by trial and error. I sincerely hope they help you.

1. Write down your (reliable) monthly income. Write down your (recurring) monthly expenses. Compare.

I recommend using Mint.com (free!), but the basics are here:

Income:

Sally - $1,900

Bob - $1,200

Expenses:

Rent - $1,200

SUV - $530

Van - $250

Vehicle insurance - $310

Cable - $115

Cell (Family) - $136

Electric - $60

DSL - $75

Water - $65

Credit Cards - $250

You have $109 per month expendable income. No wonder you aren't making it! Groceries, fuel, entertainment, clothing... this all comes out of a small pittance of excess income each month. Credit card debt piling up? Of course it is.

2. You don't need a car payment.

YOU DO NOT NEED A CAR PAYMENT. Sell your newfangled rigs for a couple of older, well-maintained, fuel efficient, ugly mofos. Fuel is only going up in price. Craigslist is a beautiful thing. If you can buy something fuel efficent outright - POOF! No car payment. Car Talk suggests that it costs less to repair a car than it does to buy a new one. BONUS - less $ to insure.

3. Is the plan too complex for your needs?

Cable. Cell phone. DSL. Are you actually using all the features you are paying for? Can you afford them? Is there another provider offering the same service cheaper? Review your plans and determine if you can downgrade or cancel completely.

4. 401(k)

Are you fortunate enough to have an employer who offers a 401(k) plan? Think you can't afford it? Does your employer match contributions? If you aren't contributing the maximum matched amount you are throwing away free money.

401(k) loans - There is never a good reason to do this. Please believe me. We are currently paying hundreds of dollars per month on a loan we took out to remodel a house we no longer own. We never expected to be so broke. Who does? Of course the money is being paid to ourselves, but that's a small consolation when we can't afford, well, anything.

5. Walmart Brands

This is a serious insider secret. Listen closely to the following conversation:

Brand X: "Hello, I represent Brand X toothpaste. We're very interested in doing business with you."

Walmart Buyer: "Cool! We love Brand X! Here's my proposal: sell us your product, but package half of it in a tube that says 'Equate Toothpaste' and charge us half the price."

Brand X: "But, but... how will we sell our product? We can't afford to do that!"

Walmart Buyer: /click/

Terrible, unethical, evil... cheap. Try it. You may be surprised. It's literally the same stuff.

6. Do your own taxes.

Don't be scared. There's software that makes it super simple. I had to take mine in to have done professionally last year and was SHOCKED at the cost.

I've got a deal for you: Save 15% on H&R Block At Home Software Premium & Business

This is the program I've been using myself for years. They save your information from year to year, making it painless to import the mundane details. You can usually even pull your W-4 data without having to enter it manually.

7. Take control of your investments.

Can't afford to invest? Yes, you can.

Every time we get paid I transfer $25 to a peer-to-peer lending site. The premise is that borrowers apply for loans and private investors fund them. Because there is less overhead the rates are better for borrowers and the return is significant for investors.

If you spread your investment out over multiple loans you decrease your loss in the (inevitable) event that the borrower defaults. Any investment involves risk, make sure to minimize yours by putting your eggs in as many baskets as possible.

Don't understand stocks? Neither do I. Build a balanced portfolio (risk vs. stability) on a peer-to-peer lending site and see returns comparable to stocks.

DO NOT PAY A FINANCIAL ADVISER. Understand and control your own investments. If you understand the stock market, there are several online venues to simplify that type of investment.

There are also several online venues for peer-to-peer lending. The largest is Prosper.com. They've been operating since 2006.

Check out Prosper Marketplace here.

8. Pay off your credit cards.

You are losing your ass on them. Pay more than the minimum payment and stop using them.

9. Equity, schmequity.

If you're in dire straits, it makes more financial sense to rent a living space from a reputable landlord than to own a home. The landlord is responsible for maintenance and renter's insurance is much cheaper than homeowner's insurance.

10. Check your credit report annually.

You don't have to go through a service with cutesy ads. The credit monitoring services are required by law to give you a free annual report: Equifax, TransUnion, Experian. No sense in working hard to repair your credit only to have an error mar your good name for years. -Kim

Charlotte's Last Stand

2012-03-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

http://nobetterforum.blogspot.com/2012/03/charlottes-last-stand.html

I don't wear my contacts in the shower. A steamy shower can be so relaxing but not if I can see the soap scum under the shampoo or the mildew starting to form on the curtain.

Or a spider with a vendetta.

A couple of weeks ago I posted this on Facebook:

I'm not particularly afraid of spiders but I think I've met my match. One was pacing back and forth across the window in my room. When I came close - I swear this to you - it looked over its spidey shoulder and glared at me. I'm pretty sure it is rabid. When I mustered the courage and squished it I pulled the tissue back and it was gone. Still haven't found it. Probably plotting an overthrow of the current regime in this house.

When a friend expressed concern, I replied:

Well, it wasn't a hobo or a recluse so I don't think I'm in actual danger but the baby sleeps in my room. I can just see the spider thinking 'Hmm... she seems to care about that loud, slobbery thing. Perhaps I should lie in wait in its crib then STRIKE!'

I'm a pest control aficionado. I pretty much put the spider out of my mind because I knew I had traps all over the house (see link at end of post). They don't look like much, but when I swap them out (every six months or so) I find them plugged full of spiders and other assorted vermin. Last time there was a freakin' centipede in there. Ew.

I wasn't always obsessed with pest control, but our subdivision is built on recently reclaimed farm land. When we moved in we had to contend with gophers, ants, mice, spiders, earwigs, bees, wasps, flies... you get the idea. At one time our idea of a fun family evening was to open the top of the compost barrel and watch the neighborhood cats chase mice. Maybe I shouldn't admit that.

Back to my steamy, relaxing shower. I stepped in, let the water run over my face, and tried to think about nothing for a minute. My zen was interrupted by a sharp sting on my foot. I gasped and looked down to see a dark shape floating toward the drain.

REALLY, SPIDER?!

WAS THAT YOUR BIG PLAN?

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD "THE ITSY BITSY SPIDER"?

IT DOESN'T END WELL FOR THE SPIDER!

ENJOY THE SOAPY SLIDE OF DEATH, STUPID!

-Kim

Kim's Pest Control Necessities (I practically buy these in bulk):

The Spider Trap

Discreet, Yuck-Free Flypaper

Gophers Be Gone!

Kill the Ants Before They Get In

One Million Moms PLUS INFINITY (Neener, Neener)

2012-03-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

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If you're not familiar with One Million Moms, count your blessings. They are a group of women who are somehow under the delusion that the world must be kept sterile "for the sake of the children."

My favorite comedian, Louis CK, has an awesome quote on gay marriage that can be applied to pretty much anything people try to hide from their children:

"It doesn't have ANY effect on your life. What do you care? People try to talk about it like it's a social issue. Like when you see someone stand up on a talk show and say 'How am I supposed to explain to my child that two men are getting married?' I dunno, it's your shitty kid, you fuckin' tell 'em. Why is that anyone else's problem? Two guys are in LOVE but they can't get married because YOU don't want to talk to your ugly child for five fuckin' minutes?"

A little crude but it gets straight to the point. The rest of us have interests and lifestyles that may not correspond to your worldview. ~Free country~

The absolute most ridiculous thing about One Million Moms, to me, is that a majority of their complaints are against television programming. Ladies, it has an OFF button. Stock up on some Veggie Tales DVDs and unsubscribe to cable. Problem solved.

Here's how it works: moms register to join their email list. When OMM gets a bug up their butt about something they send an email for the moms to Take Action! and harass the sponsor, producer, manufacturer, or whatever until their demands are met. This is bullying, in my opinion.

Let's Take Action! of our own. Register for the OMM email list. When you receive an email about an issue with which you disagree, send an email to the "target" (poor bastard) and say "Hey, just wanted to let you know I LOVE that commercial where the guy takes his shirt off. Keep those creative ads coming! Have a great day." Or something along those lines.

Repost, tell a friend, let's try to counteract these busybodies so we can all focus on our OWN families.

One Million Moms Mission Statement

One Million Moms Sign Up

-Kim

The Trouble With Gender

2012-03-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

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When I was married the first time my mother-in-law called me "disgusting." Yeah, she was a treasure. The offense? I had wrapped my maxi pad in tissue and thrown it in the bathroom trash. Don't ask me what the hell she expected me to do with it. I thought that's why we had trash cans in bathrooms.

That insult stayed with me these many years. I can think of few words that hold more sting than "disgusting." It's almost violent in its hatred.

I saw it the other day, in the comments beneath this article. A transsexual man (born with female reproductive organs) gave birth to a child in Britain. Scrolling through the comments I saw a herd of mean, uninformed cows. And I saw the word disgusting.

Gender issues have been making headlines recently. The transgender girl scout has apparently provoked a cookie boycott. Here in Idaho the Senate refused to add the words "sexual orientation and gender identity" to the Human Rights Act. They were so proud of that one that they didn't even print the bill for fear of reprisal.

Here's the thing, folks: doctors have been covering up alternate genders forever. It's not a conspiracy. They believed, as many still do, that any deviation from male or female was something to be corrected medically. The number of people receiving surgery to "normalize" genital appearance from 1955-1998 was 1/1,000. One person in every 1,000 was either so disturbed themselves, or their parents were disturbed, by their non-standard genitalia that they had surgery to correct it. (source)

Intersex is the term used to describe persons with biologically non-specific gender. You can weep and gnash your teeth all you want, but it happens all the time and it is medical. It's not "confusion" or something to be pitied, it's how they were born. The confusion comes when they are forced to assimilate into a society that doesn't allow them to be who they physically are.

Of course there are questions of gender identity that aren't medically apparent, such as transsexualism. Research is being done to determine if there is a genetic component, but I think we can rest assured that it's not "all in their heads." Would you choose to change your gender, just for kicks? How would it feel to tell your spouse / parents / coworkers / children / best friend that you're changing your gender? That's how it feels for them, too.

Love your fellow humans. Give them the benefit of the doubt. We're all we've got.

Be informed about Intersex.

Be informed about Transsexualism. -Kim


Bobby Montoya

"Now, the Star-Belly Sneetches had bellies with stars. The Plain-Belly Sneetches had none upon thars.

Those stars weren’t so big. They were really so small.You might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.

But, because they had stars, all the Star-Belly Sneetches would brag: 'We’re the best kind of Sneetch on the beaches.'

With their snoots in the air, they would sniff and they’d snort: 'We’ll have nothing to do with the Plain-Belly sort!'

And, whenever they met some, when they were out walking, they’d hike right on past them without even talking.

When the Star-Belly children went out to play ball, could a Plain-Belly get in the game? Not at all. You only could play if your bellies had stars and the Plain-Belly children had none upon thars.

When the Star-Belly Sneetches had frankfurter roasts, or picnics or parties or marshmallow toasts, they never invited the Plain-Belly Sneetches. They left them out cold, in the dark of the beaches. They kept them away. Never let them come near.

And that’s how they treated them year after year."

-Dr. Seuss, The Sneetches

Abortion

2012-02-21T15:59:00.003-07:00

I'm as liberal as they come. I will march in the streets for civil rights, subsidized healthcare (aka "socialized healthcare," the last of the great fear-mongering phrases), or just about anything other good old-fashioned bleeding heart cause.

But not this one.

We have GOT to take a step back and remove religion and gender from the equation. This remains a hot-button topic after decades of debate because both sides are missing the point entirely: When does a fetus become a human being?

Should a woman have the right to change her mind about her pregnancy at 35 weeks? Pop out to the doctor and get an abortion? Of course not. At 35 weeks we're obviously dealing with an infant capable of independent life.

Hmm. Should that be the defining characteristic of "life"? Then after about 20 weeks we're getting into an uncomfortably gray area. That's only 1.3% of the total abortions performed, though, so what about the ≤20 weeks crowd?

An infant can survive outside the womb, pretty reliably, at 24 weeks gestation. Anyone who has been pregnant knows that one. 24 weeks is a sigh of relief when you *want* the baby.

Can we safely say, then, that an abortion after 24 weeks is not okay? So here's the question: when does it become okay? Is it a "blob of tissue" at 16 weeks? 10 weeks?

I lived in Alaska when I was pregnant with my daughter. The doctor did a routine ultrasound at 8 weeks gestation. My husband and I held hands while we gazed at the vaguely circular smudgy area amidst several other smudgy areas.

Because I was an older mom it was important to me that I have what they call a nuchal translucency test at 12 weeks. This screening determines if your child is likely to have Down Syndrome. If there is a genetic problem then you theoretically have time to "take care of it."

I had to fly to Seattle to get the test because they didn't perform it where I lived. I arrived at the hospital and was ushered into the ultrasound room. When the image showed up on the screen I was shocked. I said to myself "Self, sometime during the last four weeks that smudge started sucking its thumb." Much to the dismay of the total stranger performing the exam I began to cry.

I knew in that moment that there was no way I would ever "take care of" the pregnancy. If they had come back into the room and told me the child had no brain and six legs I would have carried her to term. There, on the screen, was my baby and I loved her with all that I was.

There has been much debate in Virginia about legislation requiring women seeking an abortion to get a trans-vaginal ultrasound. It has been called "state-sanctioned rape" because it's so "invasive."

Let me get this straight. Women, 100% of whom recently had their vagina "invaded" by a penis, and who are perfectly comfortable with a doctor scraping the inside of their uterus, are objecting to a medical professional showing them what they are about to remove? If I were having an organ removed I suspect I'd see that on a scan at some point. Why not a "blob of tissue"?

The vast majority of abortions are performed when the "blob" is too small to see with a traditional ultrasound, especially for overweight women. That's why they have to do the trans-vag.

If you have sex, with or without contraception, you are accepting the responsibility of possible pregnancy. At least have the nerve to handle it like an adult.

I'm not comfortable with anti-abortion legislation. There are an infinite number of reasons a woman may be seeking an abortion and I'm not willing to argue all of them. I'm not even willing to say that there's not a time when it's okay. But a law requiring women to be armed with information? What the hell is wrong with that?

Addenda 3/23/12: More on this topic Click Here. -Kim

Statistics quoted from this source

The Nativity of Saint Nicholas

2011-12-03T21:34:00.001-07:00

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On the drive home from dinner tonight, in a not-so-desirable neighborhood, I saw something out of the corner of my eye.

It was past the kids' bedtime and they were both cranky and crying. They had a busy day. And yet...

"Jerry. Turn around."

"Why? No!"

"I'm not turning around."

"TURN THE FUCK AROUND. IT'S IMPORTANT."

~~Three minutes later~~

"Pull into that cafe. Drive casual."

"Why. Are. We. Here."

(from the backseat "waaaaaaa!!!" "can we go home?!")

"Jerry. That's baby Jesus in a fireplace. With a reindeer."

"What? No, that's a manger."

"Mangers don't have chimneys."

"Where are you going?! Those people are looking at you!"

"I'm taking a picture of their gorgeous decoration! What's the problem?"

"Oh my God."

Now, dear Reader, I share this with you. Sorry about the quality. I didn't want to be forced to squeal like a pig if I could avoid it.

I'm hoping it represents the birth of Santa, because the alternative - burning baby Jesus in effigy - is much more ominous. This may actually tie everything together! Christmas isn't pagan or Christian. Santa was born in a fireplace (where he now delivers gifts, hello!) under the adoring eye of Mary, Joseph, three wise men, and a reindeer. Cordoned off by a picket fence and some giant candy canes.

Or is this what they use for Festivus? -Kim

I Hate Married Men

2011-09-06T15:03:00.007-06:00

I'm a stay-at-home-mom. I spend lots and lots and lots of time interacting with other moms and kids. It's wonderful.

Sometimes I encounter dads. And dads all have the Exact. Same. Problem.

They think I'm hitting on them.

Here's a hypothetical situation that happened to me this morning at my daughter's gymnastics class:

"Hey! Are you Anna's daddy?"

/cautiously/ "Yes."

"Oh my gosh, she is the best kid in class! I'm so glad you're getting a chance to watch her. She's patient, she's a great listener, and she's extremely talented! My kid looks like the Tasmanian Devil next to her. You should be very proud."

"So, you've met my wife then?"

"Uh. I don't think so. Doesn't your nanny normally bring her?"

"Yes."

ForTheLoveOfChrist

I turn to another mom: "Blah blah blah ~something about my husband~ blah."

Then the guy is my BFF for the rest of class.

WHAT IS THIS, MEN?! I DON'T GET IT!

I said: "Your daughter is top notch. You should be proud."

He heard: "Your ass is smokin' in those Dockers. Brown loafers with tassels make me wet. How about you and me hit the back seat of my minivan while the kids are in class? Let me just go move the stuffed monkey and burp cloths out of the way. Sure, finish your latte. Absolutely."

First of all (and completely beside the point) white collar guys make me want to barf. Give me a bearded mechanic, a tattooed punk rocker, ANYTHING but some dumbass with a Bluetooth babbling about paradigm shifts.

To be fair, single guys do it too. I can have a conversation with a single guy, though. Why?

Single guy: "She totally wants a piece of this. She's fat and old, but whatever. It's a slow day. I guess I have time for a little doggy style."

Married guy: "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"

There are only two reasons married men may behave this way. One is that they don't want to have sex with me.

~yeah, right~

We are talking about men. Let's face it, the best possible outcome of every conversation for a man is a blow job.

So, as a woman / wife / feminist I am sad to admit that they are afraid of... their wives.

Oh, god. Are we women that bad? Are our poor men so henpecked that they look over their shoulder whenever they come within 10 yards of a vagina?

Lighten up, ladies! Are you wives or are you jailers? Are you that afraid of betrayal? Because, frankly, if he's that easily led astray you're better off alone.

The only thing a husband OR a wife should avoid is disrespecting their spouse. If my family is out to dinner and I spend the whole meal making eyes and a handsome young soldier then I am totally disrespecting my husband! If I go to gymnastics and have a conversation with a man about our kids, the weather, or when Rules of Engagement is coming back on it has nothing to do with my marriage.

Argh.

I'd love to see the look on these women's faces if they got a text from their husband saying: "This chick in front of me at Wal Mart is practically naked! Too bad the camera on my phone makes a clicking sound. I wonder if I can disable that."

Or if their husband came home and said: "There's a really hot woman who works in the building next to mine and I haven't seen her in ages. Maybe she quit. That sucks."

My husband does stuff like that all the time! Why should I care? He's married, not dead.

If I'm being honest I guess I'd welcome a sister wife, as long as she doesn't mind vacuuming. I really hate vacuuming. I'll take the toilets instead if that's cool.

You may be surprised to learn that I didn't make an outline for this post. -Kim

Hypothesis: Something taken to be true for the purpose of argument or investigation; an assumption. Yeah, I totally know what it means. Has that been bothering you this whole time? Awesome.

Homeschooling?! Wait. What?

2011-08-27T20:43:00.001-06:00

I am incredibly fortunate. I have readers involved in all aspects of the schooling spectrum, and I want to hear from each and every one of them on this topic.

I have never, ever considered the possibility of homeschooling my child. Why? Four very solid reasons:

1) I want my children to have lifelong exposure to many opinions other than my own;

2) I believe the classroom setting prepares children to cope in the real world. I'm not talking about socialization, I'm talking about learning responsibility and respect for authority (even if you don't like the authority figure very much);

3) Teachers spend years in college learning how to educate children. That's why school is *there*, for heaven's sake; and

4) Teachers are specialized. I guarantee that any history teacher - at any school - knows more about history than I do. Even the creepy one who picks his nose while the kids are taking a test.

But...

My daughter is, like, crazy smart.

And we're starting to get the comments. You know the ones. "You do realize she's going to have to skip a grade, don't you?" "She's going to be bored." "You might have to put her in private school."

Dude - I've totally tried everything! We watch hours of TV, I buy her video games, give her coloring books instead of blank paper. Nothing helps. She just keeps getting smarter and smarter, and I'm all, STOP! Be stupid like everyone else, Jesus.

"I want to watch PBS Kids!"

"NO! You are going to sit there and watch Tom & Jerry and you are going to LIKE IT."

"What's this word, mommy? C says 'kuh,' A says 'aa,' T says 'tuh: 'kuh' 'aa' 'tuh' ... does it say 'CAT'?"

"No, GAWD, shut up and eat your Froot Loops. And make sure to spell 'fruit' like that."

Okay, I'm done.

But seriously. She's ridiculous. She turned three in June and she does addition and subtraction, simple phonics, she's starting to tell time (she can handle hours but she's not quite there with the minutes), the list just goes on and on.

I was a "gifted" student. The biggest lesson I've learned regarding IQ is that it is not, by any means, the most important factor in living a successful life. Let's take a moment to discuss it with Albert Einstein:

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."

"If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales."

"Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school."

"The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking."

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

That last one is my favorite. Any measure of IQ is going to be biased. But, really, that's a different post altogether.

The point is that, in the interest of keeping an open mind, I've been reading about homeschooling. Part of me is horrified. Part of me is intrigued. Part of me is wondering when Rules of Engagement will be back on.

Horrified: Anyone can homeschool. There is no certification process. There is no mandatory curriculum or testing standard. Legally you can never leave the house, watch Dr. Phil all day, and teach your children to wait patiently for the Sacred Toast Goat that will be appearing in the bathtub to take them away to Planet Xerox.

Intrigued: Should the government have a right to mandate what the nation's children are being taught? If children can't be required to learn about evolution or sex then why should they be required to learn about algebra or phonics? Where is the line?

In a more focused, less hypothetical vein - would this be a better option for my child(ren... who knows about the baby, he's probably a total moron. Seriously, he can't even crawl yet.)? At least for a while, until she is old enough to decide what she wants to do.

But then again... I was bullied in school. Might I inadvertently bias her against it?

I feel like my whole paradigm has shifted in one afternoon of Googling. I hate that. Stupid technology.

Wondering when Rules of Engagement will be back on: What the hell?! Why does TV just totally disappear in the summer? Repo Games and Tosh.0 were new for a while, now they're gone. Doesn't TV understand that some of us aren't playing at water parks and camping and flying to Orlando? ENTERTAIN ME, TV!

All hail the Sacred Toast Goat, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and TV. Oh yeah. Education. All hail education. -Kim

Breastfeeding. Oh yeah. I'm going there.

2011-08-11T13:53:00.007-06:00

After I gave birth to my son in February I broke down crying and yelled at a nurse in the middle of the night. I refused to let her take my baby again after that, choosing instead to keep him in my room and lose any rest I may have gotten otherwise.

What happened?

When my daughter was born I refused a blood transfusion and I attributed the fact that I couldn't breastfeed successfully to the severe anemia I experienced. I was living in a remote area at the time with no real access to breastfeeding support, so I eventually gave up trying since my daughter was obviously starving (this was after multiple phone calls, research, and talking to the pediatrician).

This time I was prepared. I read The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, bought a copy of Medications and Mothers' Milk, spoke with several friends and lactation consultants ahead of time, and even got myself a hooter hider. I looked up the La Leche League meetings in my area and wrote down their contact information.

We had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days because I'm Group B Strep positive and they wanted to monitor the baby to make sure he hadn't been exposed. I was still a patient because I hemorrhaged badly (again) after the delivery. I requested a transfusion as soon as the hemorrhaging began. The nurse was chuckling and said "Let's just hope it doesn't come to that." I know my body, though, and I wanted my feelings clear in case I became less lucid.

I had been fortunate enough to get my son started on my breast for an hour or so before they discovered the hemorrhage. The bleeding was internal and didn't manifest until I stood, so I cuddled and fed and delighted in the baby until I started feeling very ill and asked my husband to take him away.

Hemorrhage, blood transfusion... back to the baby. I breastfed that little SOB all night long while they were transfusing me. Folks, let me tell you: I CARED. I was GOING to breastfeed my son. I knew all the benefits of breast milk (to both mother and child) and I was absolutely determined to make it work this time.

Over the next couple of days, while I was recovering, I continued to breastfeed him. I noticed that every nurse coming on shift had a different opinion about what I should be doing. One nurse gave me a nipple shield, then the next nurse rolled her eyes and said "I can't believe so-and-so tried to get you to use a nipple shield" and proceeded to convince me to stop using it. Several of the nurses commented on my son's weight loss and brought me formula, then got bent out of shape when I refused it (because this can be detrimental to the breastfeeding process).

Sure, they had a "lactation consultant." She spent 10 minutes cracking jokes, making sure he was latching properly (yes, I know what a good latch is, thanks), and left. Oh yeah, she also had negative things to say about the advice I'd been given from various nurses.

So. The very last night in the hospital. I was utterly exhausted because my son (with whom I had not bonded at all) would not stop screaming. The shift nurse came in around 1:00 am and said she had weighed the baby and that I needed to start feeding him formula because he'd lost too much weight.

I snapped.

Here is what I said (through tears): "I do not want to talk to you about breastfeeding or formula feeding. I do not want to talk to you about anything except whether my son has been exposed to Group B Strep. When I get discharged I will take him to his own pediatrician and will follow her advice. Every nurse coming in here has had a different opinion about how I should be feeding my child, and nobody will just sit down and HELP me! I'm done with you guys."

Nurse (angry): "I'm going to check his bili level and if it's too low the doctor is going to insist that you give him formula."

Me: "That pediatrician is not Kellen's pediatrician. I don't care what he insists upon, I'm not doing it. I'm being discharged tomorrow and I will deal with my son's health myself." (Keep in mind I'd been given tons of fluids during labor. I suspected that his weight loss was from that but nobody would talk to me about it. The lactation consultant acknowledged it could be a possibility but the pediatrician shot her down.)

Nurse: "The doctor will not discharge him if he's not satisfied with his condition."

Me: "Will I be arrested if I just leave with the baby?"

Nurse (stunned): "I don't know."

Me: "If the bili test is non-invasive you can go ahead and do it, but you're not fucking sticking him with any more needles. He came back from his PKU bleeding like a goddamn pig."

Nurse: "It's non-invasive."

Me: "Go for it. Then please leave us alone."

Quick flashback - I nearly died when I gave birth to my daughter, and I was treated horribly by the doctors (the nurses were awesome). My newborn had a painful IV in her arm for five days. I never said ANYTHING negative to ANYONE during that process. I was a model of kindness. I just want to be clear exactly how backed into a corner I was feeling.

The next day everyone seemed angry with me. The new nurses were skittish, the lactation consultant confronted me about my claim that nobody had helped me and the pediatrician had his hackles up when he walked into the room.

What did I do? I smiled and told them all exactly what they wanted to hear. Why? Because I genuinely felt like they were holding my son hostage. I acted completely sane and baffled that the night nurse would make such claims, she must have misunderstood what I said.

They discharged me, and I took my son to his own pediatrician immediately. When the doctor walked into the room she found me sitting on the floor with a screaming infant, near tears myself, desperately trying to get into a position where he could latch.

How did she handle it? Mercy. Compassion. She held the baby, sat down, and told me a story about a friend of hers. This friend had six children. She breastfed the first five. She was a die-hard advocate of breastfeeding, and poo-pooed other mothers' reasons for not breastfeeding. Then she had her sixth child, and was unable to breastfeed him. It was a life-changing, humbling experience for her.

The pediatrician told me she wanted to do everything she could to help me breastfeed my son successfully, but if I couldn't do it she would never judge me. She gave me the number for a lactation consultant at a different hospital and called ahead to get me an appointment. I rushed right over there.

What does a real lactation consultant do when a mother is having trouble feeding her infant? I found out. She sat with me for a long time, talking about the childbirth experience, watching him latch, and weighing him before and after feedings to see how much he was getting. It wasn't enough by a long shot. The trauma to my body, transfusion aside, had been enough to severely impact my milk supply.

She then worked with me on a plan to try and breastfeed long-term. She advised a process of breastfeed, formula feed, pump, then feed the pumped milk with each and every feeding.

Having been treated like an adult and having been shown kindness instead of coldness, I was able to make informed decisions about my son's health. I talked it over with my husband and we decided to formula feed. I just didn't feel that I had the time to go through that lengthy process for an indeterminate amount of time (I was anemic for a looong time after my daughter was born). If I only had one child, yeah, but with two it didn't seem feasible.

Once the decision had been made I went ahead and moved on with my life. I refuse to second guess or wallow in regrets, it is what it is. I have two amazing children and I'm not dead. Fantastic! -Kim

PS - I hope it's clear that I am all about breastfeeding. Do it. Preferably in public with one of these hats on your baby's head. There are so many benefits to breastfeeding your child that they discover like 20 more each day. I only wrote this post to speak for those of us who are educated about breastfeeding but, for one reason or another, are unable to make it happen. We're not all ignoramuses, formula feeding so that our boobs don't sag or because it's "icky."

Full Disclosure

2011-07-31T10:43:00.005-06:00

It seems like the topic of the moment for me is What Not To Say to my three-year-old.

I don't have much of a filter. I do have one, but apparently it's a different brand of filter than everybody else is using. I was the kid in grade school reading Forever by Judy Blume and The Color Purple by Alice Walker (this actually got confiscated from me in third grade because the teacher didn't believe I was allowed to have it). Although my mom and I went through a bit of a religious phase when I was in high school, most of my upbringing was pretty feminist and direct.

Now that I have a kid who can talk I am confronted with the question of how much actually needs to be said. We don't swear around our kids. We don't allow our kids to watch adult TV. But if she asks me a question I answer it. And I say what's on my mind.

Let's break down some recent events:

1) On the show Go, Diego, Go! a jaguar and a duck were singing about how nice it is to be friends. I said "In real life that jaguar would eat that duck." My mom turned to me in horror and said that was a terrible thing to say to a three-year-old. Was it? My husband hunts and fishes. Exactly how long is my daughter going to make it through life thinking ducks and jaguars can pal around happily?

A counterpoint to this: when we visited the new butterfly exhibit at the zoo recently my daughter killed a butterfly. She didn't mean to. When we entered the exhibit the guide told us the butterflies may land on us but we absolutely were not allowed to touch the butterflies. I repeated this to Bethany at eye level, making sure she understood. The minute we entered something happened. I'm not exactly sure what. I think the butterfly flew down by her feet and she sort of stepped on it or kicked it or something. But the dead butterfly ended up in her hand.

I took her out of there, and led her (and my screaming infant) down the path a ways to a place where we had some privacy. I put the baby in the stroller and sat down on the ground to have a talk with her. I explained that the butterfly was alive when we walked in but now it was dead because she touched it. The lady told her she wasn't allowed to touch the butterflies and she did anyway, and now the butterfly was dead. She didn't seem too concerned so I asked if she felt sad that she killed the butterfly. She said no. I told her she should feel sad, and that we always need to be gentle with anything that is alive. If we hurt something or someone it should make us feel sad.

I wasn't yelling at her. I was having a frank conversation about what had occurred. I gave her a big hug and kiss, told her I loved her very much, and we went on to have a fun time during the rest of our visit at the zoo. The next week I took her back and we went through the butterfly exhibit without incident.

How else is she going to understand these things? Sometimes emotions and situations that may seem obvious to us are confusing to small kids.

2) A few days before my hysterectomy, I was explaining to Bethany that mommy was going to be in the hospital for a few days. I told her that the place in my tummy where she and her brother had lived was broken and the doctor had to cut my tummy open to take it out. I showed her a couple of pictures online of where the uterus is. I told her that yes, it was going to hurt but mommy would be okay and I'd get better.

This time it was my husband whose jaw was on the floor. He said "Why can't you just tell her you're going to the hospital and that your tummy is going to be sore for a while but you'll be fine?"

I dunno. That's just who I am. When I got home from the hospital she asked if she could see my owie and I yanked my pants down without a second thought. She looked appalled at first but she's seen it several times now and it doesn't phase her anymore.

3) An acquaintance was telling me about how her nine-year-old asked about condoms in the grocery store and she didn't know what to say. I thought about it later and went, wow, by the time my kids are nine I'm pretty sure they are going to know all that stuff. I'm also pretty sure that if my three-year-old asked me about condoms I would say "Those are called condoms." If pressed for more detail I'd say "Grown-ups use them for making babies." I might roll my eyes but I wouldn't break a sweat over it.

Am I doing the right thing? Should I shelter her more? I know I'm not going to change because this stuff just comes out without much thought. I don't consciously register a difference between "What's that?" "A bunny" and "What's that?" "A condom." Somebody else has to bring it to my attention in order for me to second guess it.

I'm down with Santa and all that kind of stuff. I don't want to destroy the magic of childhood. I just don't feel like I'm doing her any favors by letting her think a duck and a jaguar could be pals, or by not emphasizing the gravity of killing a living thing. Yes, we hunt and fish but it is for meat, not for trophies. I believe this is a much more humane way to get meat than to raise animals for food in cramped little stalls, but I guess that's a whole different post.

What's going to give her more nightmares: wondering why that butterfly stopped moving and the zookeepers were glaring at us, or knowing why the butterfly stopped moving and wondering what happens when something dies? Poof! She's caught up with the rest of us. -Kim

Casey Anthony - My Two Cents

2011-07-05T14:08:00.002-06:00

I did not watch this trial, but I'm not deaf and blind so I have an opinion. Have you ever served on a jury? The trial is a completely different animal behind those doors.

One time I served on a jury that had to decide which of two unsavory gentlemen was driving while intoxicated when a bad accident occurred. They both claimed the other was driving, of course. Some point or another hinged on the fact that the seat belt on the passenger side was broken.

When the trial ended and deliberations began we had no idea which of the guys was telling the truth. There's so much nonsense and misdirection taking place in a courtroom that sometimes it leaves your head spinning.

Then we began to review the evidence. We watched a tape of the vehicle owner speaking to the police on the night of the accident. Our eyes were kind of glazing over when one sharp juror said "Wait! What did he just say? Rewind that please."

We turned up the volume and tuned our ears back in to hear the guy complaining about his shoulder pain from "that damn seat belt."

This was never presented in court. Not even the attorneys knew how we came to our verdict. But it was clear proof, in our minds, that this man was driving the vehicle at the time of the accident.

Sentencing someone to prison or death is nothing to be taken lightly. It's a sobering responsibility that citizens of this country have to bear.

Stop and think for a moment, please. Casey Anthony is not a wealthy celebrity like O.J. Simpson. She is a previously unknown young woman who will now be spending the rest of her life as one of the most hated persons in the country. What kind of life will that be?

And what if she really isn't guilty? What if she really is just a confused, mentally ill person who can't manage to distinguish truth from reality? Either way she will never have the opportunity to feel happy or safe again.

Caylee Anthony died days before my daughter was born. I couldn't watch this trial because it hits way too close to home. I want her killer's head on a stake as much as everyone else, believe me.

But I also want to believe our justice system works, so I'm willing to accept that Casey Anthony didn't kill her daughter. Now let's find the son of a bitch who did. -Kim