Life is just plain hard right now. For many reasons.

I have really struggled with this post. Even going back and forth on a possible topic.

I thought it was going to be about foster care. Then attachment. Then our new normal at 10 weeks home.

But no. None of that. Not this month anyway.

Our “baby boy” as he loves to be called is 6, almost 7.

On paper. He became someone’s baby boy—our baby boy—at 5 years, 18 days old. He is but 23 months old in our family … as our son … and in many ways, I see a 22-month-old in him.

August 2006, a visiting American wrote this about our son, who was 14 months old at the time:

There were two special needs babies there. One was a little boy—cleft lip and palate—both unrepaired. He was tiny and had obviously not been thriving. However he blossomed under attention. …What was hard to witness—even though we knew it to be true before we went—was seeing the special needs kids ignored. They were never picked up that we saw and we were even discouraged from picking them up at first. Very hard to take. I think they were a little shocked at our interest in these children. On our team was a family that had adopted a CL/CP boy and when they showed before photos of him to the nannies, and then they could witness how great he looked after, they were amazed. They had no plans to get surgeries for either of these kids. I think access to healthcare there is a big issue.

Please excuse me while I piece back together my shattered heart.

How could anyone do that to a precious baby? Our BABY BOY—truly a baby at that time. Just 14 months old and “ignored” because he had special needs.

And how do I lay to rest the fact this little boy who with cleft lip and palate is now our precious son was IGNORED, never picked up one single time by the caregivers who were the only care he had when no one else was there?

Ignored.
Never picked up.
Shocked that anyone is interested in him.

How have I missed this all along?
I say a lot that “he seems to have been loved.”

But honestly, I now wonder as I notice the little things that are not so little. And then I read this, and I’ve talked to some of the people who were on that team. And they saw it with their own eyes.

I had formed an ideal of his reality in my mind. I’m not sure why. I guess I wanted it to be so, but that doesn’t make it so.

I had read this account above before, but lately, I’ve been seeing things in him, things that point to past neglect … at best. So I’ve been rethinking my earlier thoughts that our “baby boy” was unconditionally loved.

How could I, a seasoned adoptive parent, have been so naïve? So unaware of what was right in front of me?

He is such a precious and loving soul.

And he is so very tenderhearted. Just today out of the blue, he said, “I wub you so much, Mommy!” and came over to wrap his arms tightly around my neck.

He knows he belongs now. He knows food is always available.
He knows he doesn’t have to hover over his plate, averting his eyes to the left and to the right, protecting it like a animal protects his freshly killed prey.
He knows no one will take it from him. He knows he will not go to bed hungry.

I have never seen a child of 5 eat like an animal until we brought our baby home.

He weighed just 24 pounds when we met him in China. He had just turned 5 years old. His age is not off, or at least not by more than a few days, because we have photos and video of him from as early as when he was one. He looks about one, so I know he was around 5 when we met him.

And he weighed 24 pounds. He was skin and bones as they say. He is not now.

How do I reconcile it though? How do I accept that he was treated with disdain? IGNORED?

How do I get over that? I know I can’t.

My heart is broken right now over it. Why did he have to wait so long in those conditions? Why could we not have found him sooner? Why, why, why?

It is so unfair. And it makes me more than a little angry.

Our sweet lovely amazing daughter is delayed.

I don’t want it to be that way.

But it is.

And it’s no surprise either.

We went into international adoption with our eyes wide open, preparing for the worst and praying for the best. Her delays were completely expected.

There’s a dichotomy in my heart. I want everything to be perfect for her. I want it to be easy. And yet I don’t. I know that there are wonderful blessings in overcoming. But then I see and hear how wonderfully the other children adopted from her orphanage around the same time and/or same age are doing. How “advanced” they are. Potty trained. Speaking words and sentences. A vocabulary so big it’s hard to keep track. Gross motor skills beyond her’s. Better muscle tone and strength.

And she’s just not.

And it’s ok.

I’ll continue repeating my mantra… there are blessings in overcoming.

So why is there something in my heart that takes pause when I think about the delays my girl has? I mean, I expected this, right? I was mentally prepared for this… right?

So why does the label hurt?

Maybe being mentally prepared and having your child that you’ve fallen so amazingly and deeply in love with, officially labeled are two different things entirely.

Yet, we’re thankful that we have the resources to get the assistance she needs.

Enter – Early Intervention.

Both Tess and Jude qualified for Early Intervention when they were 1 year old. So I referred Mimi to be evaluated as soon as came home from China. Yes, you can refer your own child. And yes, I did it online because in reality I’m more likely to follow through with things that are easy peasy. I Googled “Early Intervention” and my state and quickly found the referral form and clicked send. I received a phone call within a couple days and had an evaluation in our home in a couple weeks after that. They evaluated Mimi in many areas, including, gross and fine motor skills, speech, cognitive delays. She qualified with significant speech delays.

Mimi has speech therapy, in our home, once per week.

Enter – Betsy, our speech therapist and now my friend.

Through Early Intervention, we had 8 therapy sessions a week with Tess and Jude. They were 12 months old when they came home so truth-be-told, 1 session per week now feels like cake. So far with our 3 kiddos that have been in Early Intervention we have had speech therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, eating/food therapy, cognitive/emotional assistance, and a couple more specific programs I can’t remember.

A few take away notes.

—For the most part, we schedule times that work for our schedule. I’m not horribly picky about times, but then again, it doesn’t do us much good if 6 other kids are mulling around interfering during speech therapy. So we usually schedule morning sessions when the other children are out of the house.

—Almost all the therapy we’ve done has been in our home. No need to load up in the car and spend time driving to and from appointments. It’s taken me a bit to get past the therapists seeing my dust bunnies and morning hair. But they really don’t care.

—Early Intervention services run till our child is 3 years old. At the child’s 3rd birthday, the program (and I believe it’s this way in other states) transfers to a pre-school setting run by our local school district.

—Therapists differ in their styles. If therapy feels like a waste of your time, (and I had a couple that were) ask for a different therapist. For the most part, I think we really had wonderful very professional and knowledgable therapists that loved their jobs.

—I love the fact that while I sit and watch these therapy sessions, and sometimes helping out, I’m learning how to help and interact with my child all day every day. These weekly reminders of how to help her are invaluable.

—Every week I have an opportunity to talk with a professional and ask questions. Just this week I asked our speech therapist, Should we be building her vocabulary at this point or putting more effort into combining 2 and 3 words phrases? Could she be loctose intolerant? and How many words should a 26 month old be speaking? It’s a wonderful resource at my fingertips every single week.

—Almost all the sessions we’ve had, have been entirely play based. We play and learn all at the same time. The children have loved their therapy and genuinely look forward to it. They are giddy when they hear the doorbell ring and run to greet their friend (therapist) at the door.

—It takes a while to get into the Early Intervention system, get evaluated, and get therapy scheduled. So this go around, we wasted no time getting Mimi referred. It took about 2 months from the day I sent her referral till the first therapy session. And since it only lasts until she is 3 years old, I’m glad we didn’t waste any time. After all, studies prove that the earlier services are started, the better they work.

—Did I mention that all of this is free to us? And that even the evaluation is free? Yea, it is! Would it happen if it wasn’t? Maybe not.

3 and a half years later, Tess still qualifies for speech services. When she starts Kindergarten in the fall, she will continue to get extra assistance. Even though Mimi was adopted a year older than Tess, Mimi’s delays aren’t as significant. And we don’t think Mimi will need the therapy as long as her older sister.

try it.

Like I mentioned, I wish our sweeties didn’t need the extra help. But I’m so so very thankful that I live in a community that helps us get that help when we need it.

Because after all, there really are blessings in overcoming.

She’s 6 1/2 years old, healthy, and loves dancing and art. In 2008 when “Lottie” was not even three, although she was the youngest in her orphanage family, “she studied hard and became the star. She could recite ‘Three Character Primer’ frequently and won the most applause which was her proudest and happiest.”

She loves reading, listening to stories, and “can write Chinese characters and numbers carefully.” She also draws and dances. “In spring of 2009, her beautiful dance and lovely smile won applause on performance.”

Over two years ago, “she took her bag to arrive at the kindergarten. She was adapted to the new group. She was gentle, easygoing, clever, active, and helpful. All the teachers and friends liked her very much. She became the star of the kindergarten.”

And then, if you’re not already in love with the girl, they say this:
“Families, uncles and aunts all praised her, but she was never proud of that. She drew the nutrition for her life and became more strong like a nightingale. Let’s applaud for her and wish her to be more brilliant in her future life.”

Lottie is a special focus child, listed through Lifeline. Her special need does not impact her daily life and she takes medications twice a day. Surely, this beautiful bird has a family looking just for her.

E-mail Lifeline for more information here.

As always, if you are a traveling family, or have posted something, or read something, that you’d like to share here on No Hands But Ours, please let us know at nohandsbutours@gmail.com.

In the blog world:

Alea, a little one with a very serious liver disorder, is being cared for at New Day Foster Home. She desperately needs a liver transplant to survive. Find out how to get involved in giving Hope for Alea.

Amy Eldridge, at Love Without Boundaries, has begun writing a series of posts entitled “Realistic Expectations” in an effort to better prepare all adoptive parents for the day they finally meet their long-anticipated little one. I’d consider these a must read for anyone in the process to adopt from China.New this week, Amy shares about expectations on food issues.

And our beloved Tonggu Momma shares some great thoughts on the best books for speech delayed children.

Traveling Families:

And lastly, if you’re like all of us around here, you’ll want to take a few moments (or hours!) and travel vicariously with these families currently in China to bring home their children.

Ainsley’s Little Sister
Our Journey to XiangJun
The Hatley Home
Our Chinese Princess
Journey to Joshua

In the weeks before I left, she asked me dozens of questions about those things. I always answered, and I tried to do it patiently. After all, the questions she really wanted to ask were ones she couldn’t or wouldn’t.

Will you come back?

What will happen to me if you don’t?

Though she never spoke them, I could hear those words as I got on the plane and flew to Maryland. My first night there, I called home. Cheeky asked about my day. She also asked when I would be home.

“Next Friday,” I responded, even though I had already answered the question many, many, many times.

“What time will you be home?” she asked, and I mentally rolled my eyes, because I had answered that question many times, too.

“Not until late,” I said. “Maybe eleven o’clock.”

“Oh, then I’ll be in bed, and I won’t see you until Saturday.” She sounded truly disappointed about it, and I gave her a blithe and easy answer.

“Don’t worry. I’ll come in and give you a kiss goodnight when I get home.”

“Even if I’m asleep?” she asked.

“Of course.”

“Really?”

“I promise,” I said, and then I didn’t give the conversation another thought.

Two days later, my sisters, mother and I boarded a cruise ship and headed for Bermuda. Our first night on the ship, we went to one of those rather cheesy cruise ship shows. It wasn’t bad, really, but I was tired, and I found myself watching the people who were watching the show rather than actually watching the show. There were couples and families. Young people. Elderly people. Groups. A few people who seemed to be alone.

And, then, there was……them.

A man and woman about my age. They were obviously a couple, but that night, they weren’t sitting side by side. A man was sitting between them. A few years older or younger than the woman, he had thinning hair and a round face. I think he may have had Down syndrome, but I’m not sure. He’d fallen asleep, his head on the woman’s shoulder, his mouth slack. As I watched, she patted his hand, the gesture tender and sweet.

I saw them together several times during the next five days. I noticed them not because of the man’s obvious differences, but because there was never a time when the woman was not holding his hand, touching his arm, gently urging him this way or that. It seemed as if all of her love for him was contained in those sweet and tender gestures.

Seeing them reminded me of the way it is with Cheeky. She is a physically demonstrative child. She loves to give hugs and to receive them. When we are together, she leans against my shoulder or touches my arm or kisses my cheek. I know that she didn’t hug or kiss her foster parents. Nor did they ever hug or kiss her. She’s told me that often. No hugs. No kisses. No birthday parties. No presents. She was like a dormant seed, waiting for sunlight and water and warmth so that she could sprout.

Here, each of those things that she did not have before is a celebration of family. Something to be cherished and enjoyed and repeated over and over again. Is it any wonder, then, that she craves those things so desperately?

All during my flight home, I thought about that man and woman. About those gentle touches. About Cheeky and how she needs the same thing.

When I arrived home, she was sound asleep, her arms wrapped around the hideous doll that she loves so much.

I leaned down and kissed her cheek. She never woke, but somehow she knew that I was there. She let the doll go, her arms wrapping tightly around me. Even asleep, she clung as if I were her everything. And, you know what, friends? She never let go. That is the thing I will always remember about the moment. Sound asleep, her arms stayed tight, and I finally had to unwind them and wrap them back around her doll.

That hug said so much more than Cheeky’s words ever will. Her lifeline, her anchor, the star around which her world orbits, that is who I am to my youngest child.

Since that moment and that hug, I have thought about how important it is to keep her reality in mind when I am dealing with my daughter. To not let time diminish the truth that Cheeky lives every day. Two weeks ago, I blogged about how her past has become our family’s past. Those seven years that she lived without us has become part of the story that we tell about us. In telling it and embracing it, though, I can’t ever lose sight of how it impacts my relationship with my daughter. At ten, she needs me much more than my other children did at the same age. Her past has made her hungry for assurance about the things that my other kids would never think to question – my love, support, sincere affection.

Who am I to put a time limit on that need? To say, “Today will be the day when she no longer needs to be reassured” ?

Only Cheeky will know when the deed is done, the bond complete, the relationship assured.

In that sleepy silent hug, she told me something that I needed to hear: I hold her heart in the palm of my hand. It is a gift that has been given to me, and I can only suppose that God felt I was worthy of it. Some days, I think that I am not. Some days, when she is particularly needy and I am particularly tired, I think that I should be doing more, being better, working harder to nourish and to nurture, because she just needs that so much.

Still and all, I carry it gently, that heart of hers. Because, she deserves no less than that.

~~ Shirlee

Jizelle is a girl who is thin and tall in a white dress. She has fair skin and can give you happy smiles exchanging with you. She is outgoing, shy and quiet. She can understand the orders. She can respond to others with unclear pronunciation. She is slow in expressing her needs. She likes to watch cartoons, pleasant sheep and big big wolf and so on. She likes to play blocks, toys and books. She is defter in left hand. She has no strength in the right hand but can use it to help the left one. She can take on or off clothes and eat by herself. She is slow in walking and abnormal in walking postures. She needs help in passing obstacles. She is loving and knows to take care of younger brothers and sisters. She gets on well with other children.

UPDATE:
She is an active and lovely child, she can take care of herself, she is outgoing, she talks and smiles a lot, she is polite, her speech is slurred, but she loves talking.

She can share her things with others, when someone gives her sweets, she will keep them, then take them back and share with her young sisters and brothers, if they are not enough for everyone, she will leave them for her siblings. She can walk, but when she walks up and down stairs , she needs to hold the guardrail.

Please email me at annie.hamlin@lifelinechild.org to review her file.
–
Annie at Wonderful Waiting Kids

This adorable child is 8 years old and is listed as having “postoperative pes varus operation\ postoperative both lower extremities arthrogryposis.” Please read what was written about this sweet little girl back in 2008!

Casey is a lovely and clever girl with round face and small mouth. She has healthy skin and pleasing eyes. Under the excellent training of teacher, she can walk, but not so concordant. She likes to walk with her hands supported on knee. She goes to sister class to study. She is clever and able to sing lots of children’s songs. She can wash face, have a meal and go to toilet without help.

Please ask about adorable Casey!!! Email me at annie.hamlin@lifelinechild.org to review her file!

–
Annie at Wonderful Waiting Kids

ComicCon 2012 – what better way to say “Thanks Mom!”

I hope Mother’s Day was great for everyone… lots of flowers, and chocolate, and other such things. Our Mother’s Day, well, it was… different.

This year, ComicCon came to town. For the first time ever. So naturally, it happened to fall on Mother’s Day. And what better way to celebrate Mother’s Day, than with a trip to a conference center filled to capacity with Star Trek Red Shirts, Halo Master Chiefs, Sailor Moons, smelly middle aged men in Captain Americas with their bellies hanging out, Captain Canuck (our Canadian knock off version of Captain America, except instead of catching bad guys, he just randomly apologizes to people and gives them Tim Hortons Coffee and bacon), and the obligatory various of Princess Leias, both Slave Girl/Gold Bikini* and Ambassador Leia. There were Zombies, Aliens, Vampires, even some normal looking people… but not many.

The girls and Sailor Moon

Apparently, there ARE MANY BETTER ways to celebrate Mother’s Day.

Huh. Who knew?

You would think a Mom would have enjoyed ComicCon.

While waiting to take this picture, many “middle aged smelly men” kept pushing the girls out of line to get their pictures taken

I mean, my Wife does happen to like Super Hero Movies, Firefly, and Star Trek. And she DID want to go to ComicCon. She brought it up in the first place. I mean, we saw some Moms there, who were obviously dragged there by their children or husbands. And good on ‘em for going!

Boba Fett and a prisoner

There were younger couples there, some obviously on a date. Some guy dressed up as the Bounty Hunter Boba Fett from StarWars… The girl, wearing a nice outfit, obviously missing the meaning of ComicCon, and looked as if she was ready for a night on the town. This was a very different kind of date.

There were even some Dads, who were dressed up, one in particular who was dressed up as Captain America. His daughter standing beside him was trying to cover her face in shame.

But I loved seeing one (single?) Mom, who was sitting on the floor with her two young boys. Both boys were jacked up, and dressed up in costumes. The Mom looked tired, but was smiling and encouraging her boys to have a fun time. I’m sure she brought them after much begging and pleading on their parts. And good on that Mom, who embraced what her boys liked, helped them get dressed up and take them out for an afternoon of comic books.

Head Crab from the Half Life video game

See Moms are amazing. I don’t think the girlfriend really wanted to be there… judging by her body language, I don’t think Boba Fett was going to get a 2nd date. Even the daughter of Captain America, who probably used to chase her father around the house asking for hugs and kisses, seemed to want to run away from him now. But the Moms there, well, they seemed to enjoy it… at least some of them… because they saw their 35 year old husband get to meet Jayne from Firefly!!! Err, I mean, they got to see their children have a great time geeking out with fellow comic book and Sci-Fi fans, and in typical Mom fashion, managed to put the happiness of their family before their own, and find some measure of enjoyment in it.

Anakin and Obi Wan, how predictable

I guess every family is a little odd. I know ours is. Mother’s Day at ComicCon seemed to work for us. Is it for everyone? Nah. But it works for us.

I’m glad our family is a little odd… because I think normal is boring. If I wanted normal, I would not have had 5 beautiful children… I think that’s just crazy.

Apparently, Bing would not take his eyes off Wolverine

What other Moms get treated to breakfast in bed, home made cards, flowers, chocolate, and then get to meet Captain Jack Sparrow in the afternoon? Are we a different family? Maybe. Is it because of adoption, faith, country we live in… or just because we’re all a little crazy. I think it’s probably the crazy.

Meeting Captain Jack – I think Miss G is actually blushing in the picture

I guess part of growing up is finding out what Family really means to you. And ain’t no backpacking ’round Europe gonna help that. But you find what family is to you, however it looks, and love the family you are given. Single Mom, Single Dad, Step Mother/Father, Step Sister/Brother, Adopted… maybe there is no normal family anymore, except for a family built with love (sadly, that is not as normal as it should be).

When my children are 30 years old, and in professional counseling, that poor psychiatrist will never be able to figure out the root cause of my childrens’ “issues”…

… but that psychiatrist will be able to identify many many many different ways our children felt loved, and accepted in this odd little family, no matter how different (or crazy) everyone is.

* = Despite my pleading, the boys did NOT want to get their picture taken with Slave Girl Leia. *siiiigh* Maybe next year. Next year.

Well, I don’t have any miraculous words or tips to hasten the wait. But I do have something beneficial that you can be doing to bide the time. Get connected. There are Yahoo, Facebook, and various networking sites for nearly every province, city, special need, and even age group. You can gather information ranging from a province’s cultural preferences to SWI insights to expectations for the particular age range of your adopted child.

While waiting to adopt our 13-year-old, I gained an incredible amount of information and wisdom from an online group of families who had also adopted older children from China. From them, I learned what games and activities in which we could engage our tween without the struggle of the language barrier. I made notes on different habits or characteristics I might have to teach Caroline (which I would have already assumed she knew). But the most amazing blessing of all came simply from stumbling upon a question in the daily digest of group posts I have emailed to my account. A woman in England who had once managed a sponsorship program for Caroline’s orphanage was asking whether three particular children had ever been adopted. I was stunned to see that one of the Chinese names listed was our waiting daughter!

I immediately emailed the woman and informed her that we would be traveling that next month to bring home one of the girls she had inquired about. She confirmed the identity by emailing a picture to us. While she couldn’t send anything else until we were home and the adoption was finalized, it was worth the wait. We recently received a package full of pictures of our 13-year-old from over the years (the earliest picture seems to be from six years of age), periodic reports and updates from her foster family, and even two pieces of artwork that Caroline had made 5-6 years ago. What a priceless gift! My heart skips a beat when I imagine if I’d never known about these treasures from Caroline’s history. And if I hadn’t gotten connected with this particular networking group, I would never have known these remnants of her childhood were out there.

It might seem like a silly suggestion to “get connected.” However, it’s easy to focus only on your waiting child and what you know through paperwork and updates. It’s time-consuming making preparations for his or her arrival into your home. And sometimes online networking seems like a waste of time. But I urge you to check out any resources available to you because you never know what wisdom, surprises, or valued knowledge you might gain. Some information you discover may not be pleasant, but even hard-to-hear details can better prepare you to parent your new child. In the matter of adoption, ignorance isn’t typically bliss. Information and education is important and vital for both you and for your child…particularly down the road when they try to piece together their background. And you never know what incredible blessings or friends you might find in the process.

Last week we celebrated five years of “Forever” with our first adopted daughter, Ruby Mei. It was a time to reflect on a very special time in our life. It was a time to remember that feeling of anticipation as we waited to see whom God had chosen for our family. It was a time to reflect on the red thread that brought us to her and her sisters that would come later. It was a time to ask, why we were blessed to have this path chosen to grow our family, and finally a time to give thanks for the miracle of it all.

I am guessing that many of you who read this blog are in the waiting process for your adopted child. Or, you are considering the process, or you are researching special needs. Whatever your reasons, I hope you walk away encouraged. Encouraged that your wait will be worth it. Encouraged that growing your family through adoption is one of the most amazing things you will ever be called to do. Encouragement in taking the leap of faith it takes to bring a child with special needs home. Are there days it will be hard? Definitely? Will the good outweigh the bad? I believe it will! Why am I authorized to say that? Because I have experienced it first hand. It’s personal, it’s hard work, it’s exhausting some days, and it is full of blessings! Do you think I would travel to China three times if I didn’t see the miracles in this labor of love! Every day I see moments that remind me that God called me to Mother these children. He has equipped me with no “Manual” to do my best! This gives me the hope I need to make a difference in their precious lives!

Yesterday I was approached by the Children’s Pastor at our church about our family. It seems they are (finally) starting an adoption ministry at our (very large) church. This Pastor asked Jeff and I if we would get involved. I can think of nothing I would rather do to serve! You see, five years later I can see why God called our family to this. I have been in a position to share our stories through various medias. I have met women that amaze me everyday. I have seen children come home that many people would not have the courage to love. And, I have seen the difference of what faith, hope, and love can do!

If you are waiting, and the days are getting long do not give up! Adoption is a gift worth waiting for! And you just never know what God’s plan is for your family. I hope you can look back five years from now and understand the “why’s” and the “what if’s” you may be experiencing today!

Wherever you are in your adoption journey, I wish you great joy in the wait, and blessings in the outcome!