Remembering when ........

Just Stuff ...

2012-11-01T06:45:00.003-07:00

November 1, 2012

Thursday and is the day after another Halloween here, I am a bit tired and run down, have got a cold I can not seem to shake and is getting me down physically, I am just exausted. Last night we went out to West Hollywood, to the Carnival, with over 350 thousand other crazy people with and with out costumes. It was all right. I think I would of had a much better time if I had better company, or is it that I am not well in crowds that big anymore?! Who knows? It didn't seem to be that many costumes as in the past when there would be a sea of amazing costumes to look at and admire for their creativity etc. but as the years go by and the event gets bigger and bigger, the costumes seem to get less and less. There seem to be a lot of problems as well last night and as I said, as the event gets larger, so brings the chance of people wanting to cause problems, shootings last night etc. Why would someone have to do something so crazy in such an event. All over the city there were shootings that had gone on.

The company I was in last night was so crazy, so much bickering it drove me nuts! One person, who likes to call himself my friend, seemed to be bickering the most, mostly directed at me, from the amount of sweetener I put in my coffee to just about anything, talking to me like I was some child, he was my father or even my boyfriend, which he is not. So all this crazy behavior and the tone reached a boiling point and I just flat out told him not to speak to me or disrespect me in that tone and he flipped out and ran off into the crowd like some little boy who did not get his way. It was so hillarious and he refuses to talk to me. Good grief, I guess friends don't come in colors like that one.

Just Stuff ...

2012-10-25T12:05:00.001-07:00

October 24, 2012

What a fucked up, crazy day this has begun to turn out! Once again, we are going to the rescue of a friend who has decided to relapse and to pull us back into his drama of being sick, shitting his pants and just complete insanity! What a great way to have this bullshit up front and in your face when you are going through some shit of your own to keep it real and fresh and what it is like to go back out there and use drugs because it DOES not get any better, ANY easier AT ALL! To see this shit up in your face twice in two weeks is a bit much to deal with and also not fair to us, his friends to continue to ask for help when we were there for him last week when he ended up with pneumonia due to his last stint of drug use. It was not pretty to see how he just is completely destroying his body and his mind to this disease and not only the destruction of himself but he continues to pull his friends into his nightmare. I don't mind being of service to people who want to be and to get sober and who are serious about getting the help they need and are willing to accept defeat and to move into a better situation for themselves. But this is now bringing me down and I now understand the true definition of tough love and what that now means and what we as friends must do to help him recover is we now have to pull away if we truly care about him and his well being and if we truly want him to get sober and recover and to get on a path of a healthy way of living and life in general.

I am trying to stay calm and level headed through all this today but I am pissed off and completely irritated. I am not sure how to feel about the way I am feeling and if the way I am feeling is a selfish way of me dealing with this crap because we had so much to accomplish today and get done, that this is completely a unnecessary distraction and once again we are having to come to the rescue and he his pissed off at us for helping him in a way that is protecting us and our sobriety which complete bullshit! WTF! There are several ways and meanings of being of service but when it starts to interfere with your own sobriety, THREATEN your own sobriety, it is time to pull back before it is too late!

Just Stuff ...

2012-10-21T13:59:00.001-07:00

October 21, 2012

Wow, coming up on another year of sobriety. This, though, is my fourth one year and I am not sure how I am feeling write now. I will be celebrating my anniversary or birthday on November 8th and again, since I have had a few of these, how am I, how am really? Today is a dark and cloudy day outside which is a nice break from all the intense heat we have been having in Los Angeles lately, so I am enjoying the nice overcast, Seattle-like weather for a change. Yes, I am missing Seattle, but will talk about that a bit later in my post, but for now, what is really going on in my head as I approach that "special" day "again".

We AA'ers usually or should be looking forward to a day like this as it is quite an accomplishment no matter how many times one has had a certain amount of time under their belt and lost and have come back and has achieved the amazing miracle of that one year of sobriety once again. I am not quite feeling that excitement as of yet. I am sure, or should hope that the excitement and the idea that I have come up on quite something very special and that is that I am sober, consecutively for one year! What the hell is wrong with me right now though?! Could it be that I have not really or at all accomplished anything this past year and that I continue to stay in my depression and not feeling worthy, feeling greatful for the fact that I have stayed sober through all the bull shit that has come and gone last year. The fact that I had almost committed suicide this past Easter weekend and made it through that with the help of prayer, family and friends and my deep belief in my higher power, God.

This posting is rather short, but I wanted to check in and write some feelings down on paper and get them out of my head so that they do not fester and create space in my head that is none to have anyway.

A friend visits ...

2012-10-20T02:01:00.003-07:00

September 5, 2012

It was Labor Day weekend and I had a very busy weekend, fun, but busy and I am burnt to a crisp! The weekend was so full! Trips to Catalina Island, Disneyland and to Santa Monica Beach to ride bikes and then to end the weekend with an amazing BBQ on top of a an amazing building overlooking the beach, actual right on the Venice beach's boardwalk and end up watching the sun set.

A friend arrived here last Thursday, August 30, a friend I had met last year, actually, it was exactly a year or so, we met here in Los Angeles when he was out here on vacation. We met while hiking on the top of Runyon Canyon. We were able to stay in touch through out the year and touch base with one another from time to time. After last summer and he went back to Tuscon he was to ship out for Afghanistan a few months later. Very proud of him and all our men and woman in the armed services. We have the best well built, strongest military in the world and contrary to popular believe to people here and around the world, we do a lot to help people around this globe! We have a responsibility to make sure tyranny does not survive and that freedom and democracy flourishes. He ended up shipping out in the winter and was gone for six months. We emailed back and forth since it was the only way to hear from him and was the easiest way as well.

We actually did not see each other until the day after he arrived here in LA. on Friday. He picked me up that morning at 6:30am to head down to Long Beach, Ca. to catch the Catalina Express to go over to Catalina Island, which we found out is still privately owned to spend the entire day on the Island. What a Beautiful day. Our activities for the day began with para sailing! To be up 800ft. in the air above the ocean just floating on a hot summer's day and to be up there and at peace with God was truly an experience I will never forget. I wanted to just reach over to Jamaal and give him a gentle kiss on the cheek, but I was too strapped in to do it. We were finally able to share a quiet moment together after all this time. We were in the air a total of 8 to 10 minutes. The ride was only to last the 8 minutes but the guys gave us a few more minutes because we volunteered to go first which was great and I could of stayed up there all day. It was that beautiful! Every moment from taking off and ascending into the air slowly and feeling the warm ocean breeze on our cheeks to having our legs dumped in the water up to our hips was truly an experience I will never forget.

We made it back to the shore from the para sailing where Jamaal and I decided to go get a bite to eat first before the day that he had planned ahead of us since we had some time to spare until our next adventure, Zip lining. Zip lining was so incredible! What a feeling or a rush when you are rolling down that cable at about 45 - 50 mph for some lengths of 1050 ft. to the other side and we did that about 5 times. The cables were not all that length but all were exhilarating in the themselves. He had our day planned by the hour it seemed. I loved it and it was all a wonderful surprise to me until we had gotten there. There was a group of us that were put together for the day of Zip lining and was pretty nice. There were all very friendly and we all had a great time. This point in the day, he and I started to get a little closer to each other, I mean, we started getting more intimate with each other by touching one another and being romantic and stealing a kiss here and there from each other when the others were not looking. We finished the zip line and we had a couple of hours to spend before our next adventure. We decided to go ahead and hit the shops on the bay to the main part of town. We did a lot of window shopping. The shops were so cute too. But before we did that, I thought it would be nice to hang out on the beach for awhile a d take in the beautiful day and so I could swim in the crystal blue water Catalina had to offer. You could actually see the bottom of the ocean. It was like being in the Bahamas, not that I have been there, but according to all the pictures I have seen, (laughter). I laid out for about an hour or so. While laying next to me with his beautiful caramel skin tone, he gently fell asleep for a few minutes. I caught myself gazing at this gorgeous man, not only how sexy he was laying there, but I was thinking how great it was to be there with him.

I wanted so bad to roll over closer to him and put my arm around hm and kiss him gently as if no one else was around us or there on the beach ... just the two of us. We finished laying in the sun and on that beautiful beach in the harbor in Catalina and got up and put our clothes back on over our swimming suits and headed to the shops to do some souvenir shopping before our final adventure for the day. Well, not much of an adventure as it was an amazing was to end such a beautiful day and that was an hour and half message. The message was wonderful. Just to be able to lay there on that table for the entire hour and half was truly heaven! I had never had a message before and I was in shock in how amazing it felt. It was so relaxing and as expected, I did doze off during the message because I had gotten so relaxed and at one point I thought I had let out a little snort as to begin snoring. So that had woken me right back up. God forbid I started to snore on her table, I would be so embarrassed, but she would probably be flattered knowing she is doing a great job. For my first one, she was not that bad, since I have nothing to compare it too, but could have been a little bit harder in her touch. I really enjoyed it regardless. The message went right up to 15 - 20 minutes before our boat had to leave back to the mainland. As the ladies had finished and allowed my friend and I to gather our things and get dressed. We started to get ourselves together up and off the tables. We both stood there face to face, half naked and not a word was said, just some soft whispers and then he moved in closer to me and we put our arms around each other and began to kiss passionately. I was so turned on by the feel of his warm, hard muscled body I mine that I wanted to make love to him right there on the message tables. The moment was so hot and passionate that I could of finished off right there with him. With his body and those tender lips pressed against mine. I wanted that moment to last forever. The way he kissed me was truly amazing. We finally got our clothes on and things together and headed out to the boat and made it just in time for the 6:40pm to leave on time back to the San Pedro port. We made it back around 8pm and he drove me home and we called it a night since we were going to do it all over again the following day at Disneyland. We kissed and said goodnight.

The next day he picked me up early, well around 11am in West Hollywood to head on down to Disneyland for the day. The ride down in the car is interesting and was the beginning of some our most intense conversations as of late. Of course after the prior day at Catalina Island, I thought we were heading in a different direction, meaning, I thought he was genuinely interested in possibly pursuing something more with me on the romantic side. I was completely surprised with what was to come out this day. His mood changed dramatically as if the prior day had never happened at all, the kiss, all the little romantic moments we shared together, meant absolutely nothing. I am the kind of person, who, if interested in someone, like to be affectionate with that person, kisses, holding hands etc, but not in an overbearing way. Some like it and love it, but you come across those who just are not comfortable with attention or affection at all. For the last few times, the people I have met are very uncomfortable with it, so obviously it didn't work out with those people. I begin to think, well should I change my behavior, the person I am, and become someone I am not, or am not comfortable with, absolutely not and no one should. I believe in compromise, yes, but not changing the person you are. I have learned through the years that I am who I am and that I am an amazing man, someone who has so much love to offer and I know that some day, all of me will be recognized and appreciated. God made me this way and that I don't have to change who I am at all.

Driving down to Anaheim was interesting. he was or seemed a little shy and uncomfortable around me. I was doing the same thing or behaving in the same manner in which I did the day before and he seemed to have no problem with it then, actually it was a beautiful day, but the day we went to Disneyland was much different. A bit distant with me, which was fine, but I sure could tell a difference in his demeanor. The conversation got a bit deeper as well. Maybe too deep for me, not that I wasn't willing to have a conversation like that with him, but just was or seemed a little weird or uncomfortable to have since we had really only hung out twice before. The day before and the first time we met, which was a whole year before. I could tell that the day would be a little more challenging with him. He became very philosophical and everything was a discussion with him. We made it to Disneyland and we showed are tickets or passes and finally made into the park. Once we were in, I was like a little boy all over again, that park does that to anyone. I was in a hurry to get in and to the park itself, but as soon as I a started to pick up my walking pace, he mentioned to me that he was not going to rush through and wanted to make sure he took his time to take the entire experience in and go at his own pace. I felt like I was a child again, literally. But he had said it in a negative tone, which, along with the car ride there, pretty much set the mood for the day, unfortunately. Luckily I quickly snapped out of it and went back into a happy mood.

So we made it through the main gate of the park and walking towards the entrance to the Magic Kingdom itself. The music began to get louder as we came closer to the second gate. The sound of kids laughing and running through the park was pleasant to hear. The kind of sound that makes the park what it is, a place for all ages, even the parents or adults. I still get a huge smile on my face every time I walk through the park. I love Disneyland. The smell of popcorn and many other delicious smells flooded my senses with so many different tastes that I was immediately hungry. It's the kind of place that brings out my personality, happiness, joyous and bubbly. Laughing and just always having a great time no matter what I'm doing or where or what environment I am in. I wanted to take pictures of everything since he hadn't been there before. He didn't like to and was not that big on it. I talked him into taking some in the very beginning.

The day at Disneyland was sort of a short one. We did not stay very long because he wanted to get back and watch a football game, so we only stayed for a couple of hours. During that time, we only had ridden one ride, the Log Jammer. During our time waiting in line for the ride is when we really had time to really talk to each other and get to know one another. We talked a lot about our families then. I opened up more to him about my upbringing. How my childhood was and how many times my mother and father has been married and the abuse I had endured during that time with my mom's third husband. Wow, I am 41yrs old and every time I bring that bastard's name up, I get very upset and angry all over again. He found out that day what I'm about and why, let's put is that way. I am still dealing with the feelings of pain that comes with the years of physical and emotional abuse and how my mother was so afraid to do or say anything about for fear of him leaving or even hurting her as well. So she did nothing and I used to blame her, but I now know she did the very best she could with what she was taught but I think she did a much better job than her mother, my grandmother, because my mother was not selfish in a way that my grandmother was and still is. I love my grandmother, don't get me wrong, but behavior is learned and I'm so glad that behavior was present in my mother.

We finally made it onto the Log Jammer ride and it was a wet one. We didn't get wet much but the people in front of us did. The ride ended and we decided to go get a bite to eat at this point. We were bother very hungry. We started walking back through the park to find a place to eat and came across a New Orleans style restaurant which was truly amazing. The food was so delicious! We ate and decided to go home after we were done. He wanted to see his football team's opening game so we left Disneyland and headed back to my place to watch the game. We made it back to my place and started watching the game. I walked my dog and then came and sat next to him and laid my head down in his lap to take a little nap while he watched the game. It was a college football game, I am not too crazy about college football, only the NFL, so I took a nap during his game.

The game was over and his team had won the game. My head was still laying in his lap at this point, we both started to get a little aroused at this point and we began to touch and feel each other all over. I began rubbing on him, pulling his shirt up and kissing his stomach gently and I can feel his manhood getting harder during this time. As I was kissing his torso and working my up his amazing and hot chest, I started to lick his nipples and then I reached up and grabbed his head and pulled him down to me and we started to kiss each other very passionately. It was so incredibly hot! We made out for several minutes before our shirts were completely off of one another. I then positioned him on his back on the sofa so Ii could start licking his whole body at this point. His chest was so sexy I could not stop paying attention to it along with his cut and lean stomach as well. We caught a glance of each other eyes as we were so caught up in the moment so I began to undo his pants at this point. He warned me or he informed me that he had a "Prince Albert" . I was surprised a bit because it didn't fit him on the outside, so either way, he removed the piercing so it would not be in the way. As you can imagine what happened next, well we completely were in our birthday suits and enjoyed a magical evening together.

Just Stuff ...

2012-09-28T21:39:00.002-07:00

August 28, 2012

It's 3am on Tuesday morning and I have been awake now since 1am. This pattern has been creeping up on me since last week. It started at 4am and has gone up since then. I really don't know why or what this is all about with my sleepless nights or what it is that is making me wake up at these hours so early in the morning.

I am staying with my previous roommate, Larry, which has been a blessing, really. It is odd or funny how things have a way of working themselves out or coming full circle. Larry was my last roommate and I had asked him to move out. That whole mess was due to me being completely over zealous about him using my things, personal care items without asking and it drove me absolutely crazy. It was a time in which I was still in a downward spin. Last year I found out I was HIV Positive and I had been trying to hold onto my Dodge Charger and make the payments on that car every month at $496.00 a month. Pay my car insurance and I finally lost my car and was the final nail in the coffin of my depression that I was beginning to experience during that time and as a matter of fact continue to experience today. It sent me spiraling downward from there and not to mention my awful relapse on Crystal Meth back in November of 2011. My poor roommate had to witness that as well. He had the tools to make it through that humiliating ordeal with me by sharing about it in meetings in a general way so that he can tell people what he was going through and share his experience so that someone listening could learn from it and in turn if someone had already been through it, to be able to give him advice on how to deal and move through it.

We both moved on from that or should I that he has. When he let me move into his apartment in the middle of Hollywood and close to all my meetings, i was completely grateful and excited to be able to be back on the West side of town again and in the middle of everything and close enough to be able to walk to anything with having to get on the freeway every time I needed to go home. We did have a little disagreement on how much rent he thought he was getting back from me when he moved out and I explained to him that we had already discussed that and that the amount is all he is getting back for reasons he was well aware of. Overall, we are moving forward and I consider Larry to a very good friend even after all we had been through.

It is now 4:30am and I have been writing for about a couple minutes and have taken my dog out for her morning walk and fed her and put her back to bed where I should be at the moment. All the while I have now put on a clay mask on my face and I am sitting back at the kitchen table writing some more as this clay mask on my face hardens to cement before washing it off to shave and then take my shower and all this before the break of dawn. (laughter)

Why the lack of sleep all of a sudden these last couple of days I have no clue as to why this is happening. I mean I am going to through a lot of "stuff" right now, but that has never kept or have woken me up like this before or if it has I have been able to go right back to sleep. I do take some sleep aid to "knock" me out, and enough to put a horse to sleep too, but like clock work, here I am, up and about, wide awake. All this insomnia could be related to the dog bite case I am just dealing with at the time. Not sure of what the outcome will be or is going to be etc. I go to therapy once a week and yesterday was pretty intense for me, butt at the same time I think I made progress. I am starting to connect the attack to the abuse of my step father, my mom's third husband. The viciousness of the attack is in comparison to how Bob, his name, was toward us, my sister's and I, but mostly me. It seems as though his anger or hostilities were always vented at me and I was the one being punched, kicked, etc.

Later on in the day ... it is now 6:30pm in the evening and I am at the laundry mat and just exhausted! Finally at a little after 5am, I had decided to to head over to the gym since it was now open. I then went to my AA meeting that starts at 7;30am and really started my day off right. It was an amazing day actually. After the meeting, I hung out with a friend of mine and chatted. It really ended up to be a beautiful day.

Just Stuff ...

2012-07-22T14:25:00.003-07:00

July 22, 2012

It is a very HOT Sunday afternoon and I was watching the remake of Fright Night thinking of how my last week had gone, I know of all the movies be reflecting on, anyway, I was thinking of how I had the flew, realizing I had not prayed in quite awhile, and starting to feel alone, not in a way of being around people but being alone spiritually and it is all because I have not had my daily conversation with God. I can tell the difference in how I feel and how I am with others. Being able to ask God to open my heart and mind to Him and allow myself to be free of hate and bitterness, and most of all anger. Anger not only at myself, which ultimately leads to my depression, but anger and being inpatient with others around me, whether the others are my friends, family or complete strangers that I come across throughout the day. Being able to have that conversation with Him really helps me get in touch with my spiritual self and have a day that is full of happiness and being free from all the negative distractions that may arise out of the blue that could trigger my anger within myself.

Every Sunday we have an AA meeting and a general house meeting where I am living. The meeting this morning was the first time since living here that I felt connected to my housemates here and was able to be open and express what is going on with me and be honest with my feelings and share and start to create a bond with the other housemates and allow them to be able to get a little closer to me and for me to start bringing down those walls of distrust and allow people to get to know me on a level I have never been able to do. The only person that has ever had that opportunity died in 1995 of AIDS. He, Orlando, was my best friend, the brother I never had. We had a friendship that was full of laughter, love and and companionship that allowed us to become close and share things that I would not think of sharing with even my own sister or any other person. I have not been able to put closer to that, maybe it is because I want to be able to hold onto all those wonderful memories we shared together and all the laughter as well. I know that if I could accept that Orlando is no longer here, I would be able to allow myself to let others into my life in a way that I have not been able to since he died. I feel that if I do put closer to his death and allow myself to heal from it, that I am going to betray our friendship and that is why I have not done so yet, plus, I also feel if I was to move on from that part of my life, I would be shutting the door on the memories of that part my life and I am afraid to do so. I afraid that I will not be able to replace those times with new ones, new experiences and friendships. Friendships that could be long lasting and worth building upon but I just can not let go and let that happen. I really love and miss him extremely and he is thought of regularly and another reason for not shutting that door is that if I do, I will slowly forget about him and that I just don't want to do.

I miss you Orlando .....

Just Stuff ...

2012-07-17T19:15:00.000-07:00

July 17, 2012

It's Tuesday evening, the weather is pretty mild now since it is setting into evening here in Los Angeles. I am here at home resting since I have been a little under the weather last couple of days. I have not been keeping up on my writing lately and I can sure feel a difference from when I was bleeding out my feelings on this and letting people in and letting you all know how and what I am feeling at the time or in that very moment. I don't know why I have tapered off so, I just know that I feel so closed in and trapped in my own head. I want to get back to letting my thoughts come out, no matter how unimportant I may think they are, just do it!

So I am sitting here tonight trying to figure out where to start or how to begin because as it is common with me, so much "stuff" has gone on since we were last together. I don't know if I mentioned in my last post that I have moved out of East Los Angeles and back into Hollywood, where I am able to attend my AA meetings more regularly. See, when I was living in East Los Angeles, I was so isolated from the my AA world, my AA family and friends, my network or support group. Having a support group and friends to rely on and to have them rely on you has been very important to me and is the building blocks of my sobriety. So being over there away from all of it had taken a toll on me and I started a descent into complete despair and loneliness. The feeling of being totally lost in my self pity. Which ultimately ended up being a severe case of depression which then led to a suicide attempt.

I am so happy I have came through all of that and am now back in the middle of all of it, well not completely in the middle, but not completely on the sidelines either. I am at my AA meetings on a daily basis at 7:30 am in the morning, and the gym right after that. I am having issues though due to a dog attack I suffered on April 15th of this year by two rottweilers and have a little bit of a fear, actually, it is whole lot of fear to go back hiking. I have been diagnosed with severe Trauma and PTSD as a result of it all and am in intense therapy and hope to be done with it in a few months and back to what I love doing.

On a lighter, more happier note, my sister celebrated her 40th birthday on July 7, 2012. My mom and her husband came down for it and was down here from July 4 - July 8, 2012. What an amazing time we all shared together. I truly miss her and was so sad to see them go. I admit I am a true mommas boy. We had a busy week while they were here. We took them to Venice Beach and they love it. We went to Universal Studios and what a blast we had there too. It was just an overall amazing time we all shared together. I really miss them so much and have made a commitment to see them for Christmas this year and possibly for Thanksgiving as well.

Just Stuff ...

2012-06-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

June 30, 2012

My dog has been very sick all week and I was able to take her to the doctor today and my little baby is very dehidrated and has a parasite in her stomach. I am very worried about her and she is my life and it is true of people say, animals become such a huge part of you who we are and our lives that it is such a horrible feeling when something is happening to them. The Doctor gave her some fluids to help make her hungry and an anitbiotic. We will wait and see but I am so worried that something serious is wrong with her.

I have been home all week watching her and since I am not working at the moment, I have been running all over town looking for medical care for her since I have no money to pay for it and finally yesterday I finally got the help I needed, and it is the place I signed up last year, PAWS/LA is a great place for people with disabilities like myself with HIV. My poor baby has not left my side since she became sick. Poor thing.

Since she has become sick, I also have not been able to go to my AA meetings and am feeling a little squirrely. I am just afraid to leave her alone. Am I too worried? I am praying that she comes out of this safe and sound.

Just Stuff ...

2012-06-27T13:30:00.001-07:00

May 26, 2012

It's Saturday around 6:00 in the evening and I have just been lounging, or better, lazy all day today. I have been on my new job now for two weeks and really seem to be liking it. The owner is really pushing me to take over the every day operations of the company and I feel blessed. I know I can do the job and am looking forward to the challenges that it may bring. I feel I am back in the game once more. It has been almost two and half years since I last worked or had a real job. It has been so rough lately trying to find something and the economy is not helping the matter and was making it much more difficult. It's a smaller company with big profits and it is only going to get bigger which makes it much more exciting to be at the ground level of this and to see it expand to bigger opportunities.

June 24, 2012

Almost a whole month later since I wrote. As always, so much has happend within a month, it is just incredible, but I seemed to make it through and stay sober through it all. My last post above on the 26th of May I shared that I was so excited about my new job and how that was going so well, as fate may have it, I am no longer there. As much as I wanted to make that job work and that I was the perfect fit for the position, it did not work out as I planned or had hoped it would. The company was just in too much dissarray and the company was and is in danger of closing its' doors. So I was only a temporary employee there and they had to let me go because they were not making that much money to keep me on. Back to the drawing board.

June 27, 2012

Today began with a little anxiety. I woke up and noticed my dog, Maddy, was sick. She was very lethargic and had no energy and also had blood in her stool. I completely fell apart and did not know what to do and panicked. I made some rice for her with some chicken broth and watched her and rubbed her tummy and kept her close to me. She is a little Shi-tzu and to me, she means everything. My little baby.

I also had a follow up doctor's apointment today to go over my blood work taken a few weeks ago and I am completely estatic with the news I received today. I am HIV Positive and last Novemember I needed to go on HIV medication and was completely distraught about it, not because of having to go on the medication but because my HIV virul load sky rocketed and my CD4 or white blood cells had fallen from 1126 down to 720! Of course when I heard the news from the doctor, I fell apart and started to cry. He assured me that everything will be alright and that he recommended at that time that I start my HIV medication. I agreed, but my head was trying to convince me that I was going to die. I immediately started my medication and was lucky that it was only one pill at night and am completely grateful for the fact that I had become positive in a time when the science of it all has progressed to the point where I can live a complete and fruitful life and that this is like having the common cold and not to be frightend about this and to live my life to the fullest.

My apointment today confirmed that I can live that long and fruitful life because my doctor informed me that I am now UNDECTABLE! There is no sign of the HIV virus in my system! I could not be any more grateful. I was doubtful in the begining and her we are completely turned around and healthy as a horse. I thank God for listening to all my prayers.

Raw and Un-Edited Journals from my past ... ABSOLUTELY INSANE! (Cont.)

2012-05-05T15:34:00.000-07:00

April 2, 2010

It's Friday in the late afternoon and I'm at work. I am waiting for the end of my shift and going to down to San Diego for the night to meet Kevin. I am not sure what is going to come out of this, and not getting my hopes up because to be honest it is still too soon to date anyone. We have chatted all week on the phone so he seems pretty nice and looking forward to meeting up with him and having dinner. Yes, I am going to be staying the night, so what! I need some attention and maybe a little ego boost too. Again, there are no expectations from either one of us, just to enjoy each others company, for pete's sake, he lives in San Diego anyways. Too far for anything else.

April 15, 2010

So it has been quite a month and I am finally over Anthony now at this point. It sure was quite a difficult process to go through and all, but I did it. I am putting myself back together and back into AA. I mean deep into the program. What I have going on with me now is that I am continuing to look for my next boyfriend like "he" will be the fix to my problems. I am so codependent. I am getting a little more attention lately and not sure where all that is coming from, but whatever I can get at this point. (haha) I am working out a lot more than usual to try and lose my excess fat I gained when with Anthony, boyfriend fat as I call it. I got a new job today and as a result of all my prayers and positive thinking and of course the constant footwork! I am very happy now and I can play catch up with everything, mainly my car! I am also on the books to do a "movie" at the end of the month so that should do the trick.

Raw and Un-Edited Journals from my past ... ABSOLUTELY INSANE! (Cont.)

2012-05-05T11:25:00.005-07:00

March 26, 2010

Sitting here at work at the 76 gas station on my first hours of my shift and I have already begun obsessing about my life. This is a dangerous place to be for me right now. I finally really ended it with Anthony. It finally came to a breaking point with him. I am willing and want to make my life better and I'm taking the steps I need to have it happen. What is my part in all this? Well, I am trying to figure it all out. I know I should have been more aware of his needs and wants and not been so angry all the time, etc. I just started to get resentful about the fact that he was not working and never took the initiative to find work and would always depend on me to pay for everything. I did not mind at first, but that was when I was managing the law firm before I was laid off and now I don't make all that money anymore and now work at this gas station to try and pay my bills. I felt like he was taking advantage of me and I resented that whole heartily.

I know I have some work to do and I am taking the first steps toward getting well. I'm not going to pretend that all this doesn't hurt or my heart is not in so much pain that I would rather be home on the couch with my dog feeling sorry for myself. I am doing the contrary action which is working, a bit at a time, I guess, baby steps. I am reaching out to people and trying to be of service. I have been slowly starting to hang out with other people again. There is one person, Danny, of course I am so into him ... we are both going through the same thing currently regarding our ex's and I am sure it's obvious. I get so intimidated when I am around him that I can not speak or fumble my words, good grief like a high school girl! He is such a sweetheart of course and has an amazing heart and I think that is what is so attracting about him, is he is so humble. My head is telling me that he is also feeling the same way, is it because I am feeling so vulnerable right now and anyone who looks at me I will fall in love with!? Who knows!? Of course I want to "be" with him, but I know exactly where that would lead to, and then it would become very weird because we are friends. See how my thoughts immediately go to sex and relationships!? Insane behavior that always gets me in trouble.

With Danny, I truly want to do things differently and I know my flirting will always be a problem until i start my therapy. This is when I'm going get better. Not have to seek the validation of someone else to make me feel good about myself. Right now I do feel like I need something to fill the void, again because my heart is so broken right now, I am looking for anything to fill or mend it, whatever comes along, scary. I am finally in my life going to get the help I need to get past all the pain I have built up until now in my lifetime. I have full faith that this is going to be the "light" at the end of the tunnel for me. I am just exhausted and done with being sad and depressed all the time.

March 27, 2010

I had an interview today at LA Fitness and they want me to meet the GM. Today has been busy. Well, I mean I "kept" myself busy. Went to the gym and had an amazing workout. After my workout, I had an incredible day. At work now and this is driving me crazy being here when I really want to be at the CMLA Convention tonight. I want to get more involved with the program. Working Friday, Saturday and Sundays are really making it hard and I miss my regular meetings. This is day two of finally calling it off with Anthony and I'm getting through it better than I thought. I think I fell out of love with long ago and this was a blessing in disguise. As the days go by, I know I am going to heal and get over and through this. I am not thinking about him much anymore, which is a good thing. I made a few calls today to some people to try and reach out. No one called me back, but that's OK, at least I am doing my part and trying to participate in my recovery. I just can't wait for my therapy to begin. Then my life really can start to move forward in a positive manner.

March 31, 2010

Well, I am back at work on a Wednesday and it has been a pretty OK week so far except for Monday. Monday is when I completely let Anthony know that we are not going be friends either at all! This entire time he has been lying to me regarding his new boyfriend. He has been stringing me along like some fucking dog! I know that going into Jordan's, Anthony's new boyfriend, facebook page was not going to help matters much but I wanted to see what this kid looked like. So I then felt as though I had to leave him a message in his in box letting him know what Anthony has been doing. I was so mad and so hurt so with that I am completely done with him at this point, no more chances with this ass hole! I can't even be his friend at this point either and don't think I ever will. So here I am once again trying to heal from the latest episode with Anthony. This far the meetings of AA and meeting with my sponsor has been helping. I am meeting new people both in AA and outside the rooms. This person on facebook requested to be friends with me, so I accepted and as a result he has been pursuing me and his name is Kevin. He lives in San Diego and we have spoken a few times to get to know each other. I am not sure if I am ready to jump into anything right now, but willing to meet and get to know each other at least. We have made plans to go ahead and meet with each other and I am going down there in a week or so.

I haven't heard back from Mid-Wilshire therapy. I hope I do soon so I can start digging into my deeper self. I am totally motivated to get my therapy started and to stop feeling the way I do, up and down with my mood swings. I also called our old consulting attorney while I was manager at my previous law office regarding employment and he is willing to hire me so I am very excited! I will know on Friday whether I am starting soon or not. I hate working at the gas station now. I have to find a job that is going to be Monday through Friday because I really need to be with my AA friends.

Just Stuff ...

2012-05-05T10:56:00.001-07:00

May 5, 2012

What an amazing morning this has been! I am continuing to feel so much better and I honestly feel I am finally coming out of my "rut" that I have been in for so long! What a journey this has been and a such a struggle, but I somehow have had the faith I needed, whether it was conscious thoughts or in my sub-conscious, either way, I made it, or better yet, I am making it to that light at the end of the tunnel I have mentioned before so many times and I felt that it was dimming quickly and becoming out of my reach. Life with all it's challenges and ups and downs are "only challenges" that one can overcome with a little hard work and faith in God and your friends and things will turn around. That is a far stretch from where I was a few months ago. Faith has carried me through thick and thin and "stuff" always seems to work itself out, BUT in the eleventh hour for me, but none the less, still works out.

As we say in AA, sponsor's play a key role in our lives if we let them. If we trust and learn to open up our feelings and be utterly honest with who we are and how we are feeling they can become the "light" that some of us are looking for. I have been around the block with the amount of sponsor's I have had. Some time ago, I was being called the "Elizabeth Taylor" of sponsor's, meaning like her many husbands, I have gone through just the same in sponsors and due to my part because of the fact I was not willing to take a look at myself. Take a look at who I was and try to find the root or the cause of all my resentments and anger toward, really toward everyone because I was not willing to do the work that was only "suggested" of me. I was, and still am to an extent, someone who wants to be "well" now damn it! But how long did it take for me to become the person I was, a life time, so trying get "well" overnight is completely impossible and that is why I "fired" so many sponsors in the past because I was unwilling to accept the direction they were giving me for fear I was being "told" what to do. I now understand the reasoning behind all of it. It is because a couple of factors, one is because these people truly cared and loved me for who I am and saw the person inside that was screaming to be able to shine through all that hate and anger, and also the resentments I was harboring deep down in my soul, two is because they also gave so freely of their time and effort to be able to make sure that I would be able get through all of that "stuff" I had pushed and kept hidden all those years.

The sponsor I have now, I have had for over two years now and I could not have been any luckier than I am to have found him. He, like all my other sponsors, is so compassionate and loving, and so caring of who I am, and I think God had presented this person right in the time in which I would be ready and willing to accept any and all direction or suggestions he would and has given me thus far. He is so generous of his time with me and takes that time out of his own life to make sure I am put in the right direction and on the right path to finally enjoying life and accepting the person God has made me to be and to let all of the "issues" go, because in the sceam of things, they are not all that important and as I mentioned above, they are all part of life's challenges and they are meant to be overcome or God would not have put them there to begin with and knowing that I would be able to some day be the man I am intended to be.

I am truly grateful ..... I am starting to sound like a broken record, but these things are so important for me to remember and keep close to me and to NEVER forget where I have been and where I am going in life on this incredible journey of ours.

My Best friend .... My Mother .... My ROCK!

2012-05-04T20:11:00.004-07:00

I saw a segment on the TV today about women who are diagnosed with breast cancer and it immediately took me back a few years ago when I was in my early twenties and finding out that my Mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer and how that made me feel at the time, and actually how amazingly fresh it still is in my thoughts. They are sad thoughts, not so much now, but I still remember that phone call. I was living here in Los Angeles by then with my dad when I received the call. I was really nervous and scared for my Mother. Of course my head went straight to her not making it through this, not that I didn't want her to, but I had the "what if" thought and I started to cry on the phone with my Mother, which isn't hard to do. I take after her in that we are definitely emotional, passionate people. I cry on Kodak commercials, that should give you an idea. Anyway, after I was done crying, my Mother comforted me and told me that she is going to be fine and will make it through this because she is a strong woman and that she was not ready to leave us yet. She was comforting me, I should have been the one comforting her and telling her that everything will be OK. I sort of fell apart because, as much as I hate to admit it, but I am a Momma's boy and always have been. There are times when just the sound of her voice makes everything better for me.

She was only forty years old when the first bout with the cancer came and she went in and had the surgery and had the lump removed and also some of her limp nodes as well under her armpit area. She needed to go on radiation and keemo therapy to make sure the cancer had not spread anywhere else in her body. We were lucky, she was in God's hands and was taken care of and He heard our prayers. We thought that this would be the end of us seeing our Mother having to go through this ever again, well, we were wrong and it came back about five years later but in the other breast and it came back with a vengeance this time. The doctor's did the same procedure and she had to go through all the treatment again and because she was older, her body was a little more weak to be able to handle the treatment of both the keemo and radiation at the same time but she made it through once again. Again, we were taken care of and in God's hands one more time. By the time she was almost fifty, again the cancer came back but this time to the original breast this all began with and we were very concerned at this point because the doctor told her that she probably would not make through the treatment after surgery this time. He told her that she had no choice but to have a radical mastectomy. My Mother was so stubborn and I understand now, and that it would be the same if I were to have my testicles removed that I would feel less of a man and that is how my Mother was faced with the fact that she would wake up out of surgery and have her woman hood taken away from her. We children and the rest of the family told that she had no choice and that her decision affected all of us and just not her, so she finally gave in and the doctor offered to do a new procedure that had been introduced and that she would not have fake breasts but breasts that were made of her own tissue. Fat from around her mid section was extracted to rebuild her breasts. She ended up with a tummy tuck and bigger breasts. She woke up out of surgery and was so happy.

My Mother has so much strength in her and for what she has gone through in her life, from raising three kids to having husbands that abused her both mentally and physically and for her to still be an amazing woman, Mother and my best friend is truly what I can say is the definition of a Mother! As I right this I am a little emotional, full of happiness and so proud to be able to have been born to her and how God has granted my two sisters and I the most incredible Mother anyone could ask for. I love her with all my heart and soul and now that I am in Los Angeles and she is up in Washington State, I don't see her very much and she is now sixty years old and I know there will come the time for me to say good bye to her, but until then I want to cherish EVERY moment and breath that I have and she breaths because she "Is my ROCK!", and I am her number ONE fan!

I love you Mom ...

Mom and my sisters and I at Xmas time

Just being gorgeous

I used to love to watch her get ready, so pretty

My beautiful Mother at her wedding to current soul mate

Just Stuff ...

2012-05-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

May 4, 2012

I woke up this morning a little anxious. So much on my mind ... has kept me in my thoughts way too much. After sharing all my previous journals from a few years back and having read all of those for the first time since I wrote them at that moment, I felt a little unsettled a bit. I think it is because I have been thinking if my life has even changed at all since then. Well, I know for thing, I AM not so crazy about being with someone, that was so insane to read journal after journal about the same thing, over and over again. Good grief how much "crazy" was in my head at the time and how I made my existence revolve around whether I had a boyfriend or not or whether someone liked or not and I spent so much energy and so many days just thinking about that and only that. How I would determine whether I had a good or bad day based on that crap I continued to write about. Did I have a problem or was I just insane? Who knows at this point but I am relieved I have moved my focus on other things such as my health, and by that I mean since I became HIV positive it has been a challenge to stay positive, no pun intended, and keep out of the misery or the depression I seem to find myself dipping into a lot lately. Lately the depression has been taking me to very dark and lonely places, only because I have been allowing it to progress to a point where I start to consider suicide and start to even plan it and how it would be done.

The last few weeks have been a challenge but I have amazingly stayed strong and not stress out over it. I was planning on moving because I was behind in rent due to the fact that I can not find work and now that we are in the age of the internet and social media craze, we are not allowed to go directly into a business and physically apply for a job anymore. They require you to go online and do it that way. Now I totally understand the reasoning behind it, but I don't have to agree with it. How is someone going to be able judge your character by a computer screen. When I was a manager of a huge law firm downtown Los Angeles, I would require you to come in because I needed to see how you present yourself and react to the questions I would ask and see how you are dressed. I may have an impressive resume, but if I am not able to sit face to face with you, how are you going to truly find out what kind of person I am!? So the whole process has been very defeating and such a hit to my self esteem and moral or energy and motivation.

A couple of days ago I got another therapist to help me deal with some underlying issues that I have compressed so deep inside that I don't even know what they are any more, but I know that I tend to fly off the handle at any given moment in a rage or start crying. And I have a lot of anger towards my dad and can't seem to put that behind me. I am of course going to my AA meetings on a regular basis, so those are encouraging and very helpful. Always nice to seek outside help, and there is NOTHING wrong with it!

Prayers that I like to voice ....

2012-05-03T20:39:00.001-07:00

Third Step Prayer ... (Page 63 out of the Big Book of AA)

"God I offer myself to thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power. Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May do Thy will always!"

Seventh Step Prayer ... (Page 76 out of the Big Book of AA)

"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to your and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do your bidding, Amen."

I Pray this as humbly as I can ...

Lord thank you: for all the blessings that you have poured on me, my family, and my friends. Thank you for my health, my job ... for everything Lord.

Grant those the opportunity that don't know you and to those that have forgotten about you ... to know you as I know you, as the God of eternal kindness, grace and mercy. As the Father who lovingly watches over us, daily taking care of our every need, who will never leave us nor forsaken us and is always available, at anytime, to listen to our every word.

Thank You for always loving and caring for us even when no one else does. Thank You for making me your child because you loved me enough to forgive my sins (past, present and future) by sending your blood (Jesus Christ) to keep me from an eternal death in hell! I trust you with my life and I can't do anything with out you! Continue to guide me and strengthen me to further be of service to you and others.

Amen ...

Powerlessness ...

2012-05-03T20:26:00.003-07:00

I want to begin this posting first by reciting something we in AA call ...

THE PROMISES ...

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will eave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. we will suddenly realized that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are this extravagant promises? We think not! They are being fulfilled among us - Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

(Pages 83-84 of the Big Book of AA)

As I wrote out my journal's I was a bit scared to share them with anyone for fear of judgement or laughter for that matter. But what it did for me is show me how my thoughts were back in those days. As those were a number of years ago, when I read them, they seemed to be real fresh and I remembered every single entry I made and how I was feeling at the time. Sometime as I read them again as I wrote them here for all of you to read, I found myself enthralled in my writing, and what I mean by that is I sometimes cried and sometimes felt so much joy with my failures or disappointments and of course the joy I felt when I achieved a milestone in my sobriety or even just landing a job, which back then was a huge thing for me because my head was still a little bit crazy from doing the drugs for so many months in a row, 5-7 times a week and with a needle I injected my drugs, which is a whole different recovery in itself and takes a lot of dedication to keep on the path to recovery.

Alcohol and drugs have been a huge part of my life since high school when I started to drink, and drink only to fit in of course. I found that it became a weekend thing and I definitely had to get drunk or my night was ruined or just would not be the same unless I had a VERY good buzz going on. I even took it a step further and I would get behind the wheel of my car and drive around town completely wasted with my sipper cup, and this thing was a 32oz full of Southern Comfort and 7up. I liked the sweet taste of it, made it go down better, easier and I "fucked" so much quicker. It was not only me in the car either, I would have 5-6 people in my car with me at all times. I would do anything to fit in. I remember one weekend I and four of my sisters girlfriends were cruising downtown, which was only a six block radius, with all of drinks right in the open for all to be able to see, and we were all drunk. I remember being pulled over by the police and having stopped my car right in front of my Mom's business downtown, but even better, I did not even pull all the way up to the curb! We were all taken to the police station and I was booked for DUI. My mom had to come down and get me and she was incredibly pissed off at me, and believe me I got my punishment! The Monday after that weekend when we all went back to school, it spread like a wild fire and as kids go, I was "cool" for a moment, say my fifteen minutes of fame. I am not proud of that, that is for sure and when it came time to go to court for the DUI, I had to relive it all over again with my Mom and she was upset all over again. I can't believe the mess I had gotten myself into and without any regard to how it would affect others, especially without any regard to the girls in my car with who all got in trouble by their parents as well and embarrassed my Mom completely.

Powerlessness over alcohol and drugs have been a VERY difficult journey for me. It has been about trying to understand how being powerless over my thoughts and the actions that lead up to me using alcohol or drugs, mainly drugs. By doing the work, hard work, and committing to staying sober and trying to be a better son, brother and friend and respecting my addiction and knowing how strong my addiction is and what it does to me when I give in to my weakness, and understand that the only choice I have now is to stay clean and sober and to be there for others as they have so unselfishly been there for me, time and time again.

Raw and Un-Edited Journals from my past ... ABSOLUTELY INSANE! (Cont.)

2012-05-03T19:48:00.002-07:00

February 1, 2005

I am in a great mood. Although today was not so good. The job I'm at is really starting to take a toll on me. I feel that I'm a punching bag for Daddy Don. He's bitchy with me all fucking day. Gave me such a huge headache. I don't like to be his punching bag. It makes for a very bad work environment. Anyway, I get home after and my roommates have been changed. I actually wanted that. The one I did have was horrible. It was always about him. He's gone now and went to my meeting and it was pretty good. I keep thinking about this guy I met on Saturday at MJ's. I went over to his house last night and it was so nice to be with someone all night! To have him in my arms all night. The sex was incredible and he is such a great kisser! We'll see what happens, but I do kind of like him.

February 3, 2005

So I'm being completely obsessive with new guy and not in a way with him and not at him, but in my thoughts and that is not a good thing. Taking too much space in my head over a man could lead to bad things. I'm still going to my meetings but starting to loose focus. What do theses feelings mean? I know I like this guy. Just let things happen, yeah right!

February 8, 2005

Good morning. I went to my Monday meeting last night and first meeting in three days. I can see the behavior coming back and that is not good. The insanity. I'm not crazy but before I get there I need to get back on track with my meetings, which I have. My roommates are getting on my nerves. They never pick-up or do their dishes. LAZY! People relapsing all the time in the house and being able to stay. Oh well. The job area of my life is going OK. I think I may have an interview sometime this week making some good money. I'll just turn it over to God and see what happens. Working for Daddy Don has been a blessing but the amount of respect that he gives me is minimum and that is not encouraging at all. I get so pissed off at him for treating me like that. At least I have a job though. Still I don't need to be treated that way or disrespected.

February 10, 2005

Wow, yesterday was such a roller coaster ride! First, the day was great, I went on my interview and only sat down with the lady for a maximum of ten minutes and she loved me and hired me on the spot. Sobriety honey is good but I still have my doubts. The job is going to be great. So close to where I live. I can't express how happy I am. Now I am also getting paid $14/hr. Yeah! It will be a good thing. I'm so excited! I am going to start tomorrow, on Friday. Now about how my day took a turn downward. I came home after the interview and the one of the guys brought home someone who was kicked out last weekend and he was still high on meth and just fucking left him with me to go hang with his boyfriend. How selfish! What an asshole! So then he calls me on the phone and begins to tell me I need to be more compassionate. This is my sobriety and I have to guard with my life. So FUCK him! Anyway he was asked to leave also. The was overall good, and got my HIV test and was negative again. YEAH!

February 11, 2005

Good morning! Today I have 60 days sober! I'm so happy and so proud of myself. I have worked hard and have been through so much you know? If I sit and think about my life, it has not been so bad. I have my health and friends. I'm so grateful for this. I'm so grateful for God. I would not have made it this for without His help. Today is my last day with Daddy Don. He has been such a blessing! He even said that if it doesn't work out with my new job that I can always come back and work with him. He has been so helpful in my life and my sobriety. I'm going to miss Don. I'm looking forward to my new job though. This is going to be so great for me! The money is wonderful. So convenient to everything. Home, meetings etc. Now that I want to move out! But I want to make a commitment and stay for four more months. Just stay put and stay sober, and be patient!

February 12, 2005

Good morning. OK, 61 days and I'm sad. Well, I'm starting to isolate again and obsess about what everyone else is doing and loosing focus of what I need to be doing. Why am I such a drama queen!? Why am I so hard on myself?! I should be proud that I have the time that I have, but I am still not accepting it. Overall, I'm OK but now and then I started to get depressed and it is all about men mainly. God has given me a chance to make something of myself and I do not want to mess this up I'm healthy and am very lucky. I have a wonderful life.

February 13, 2005

Good morning. Well, I made it through another day sober. Thank God! Last night I went to my meeting at Hollywood Squares, was a good meeting. Afterwards, we went to MJ's and I had a blast! The only thing is, I had seen the group of guys I had relapsed with before and I got just a little nervous! But I was OK. I made sure know one left me alone. Maybe I should stop going out for awhile because that was too close for comfort. It was kind of nice to see them in a way because I look a lot better than I did the last time that little Latin boy saw me on my very last time I had relapsed and the look on his face was classic and I will never forget that! That alone should keep me sober! I also watched "The Passion of the Christ" and it just put me back into perspective about how my life is not that bad and that I need to be more grateful about the way things are. At least I'm healthy and not DEAD!

February 14, 2005

Good morning. I'm excited today. I start my new job at Legalzoom.com. I have a good feeling about this job. I am going to do my best and learn from my past mistakes and other jobs. Just know and keep in my head that I am there only to do a job and that is it. I want to go far with this company. It is a .com company and I have a feeling it will be a good thing. My own company is somewhat the same type of business and I am very excited to get that going. Other than that, the weekend was overall OK. Yesterday all I did was just rest and I feel great this morning.

February 15, 2005

Good morning. Well my new job went well. I think that I am going to be a good fit. Wow, the people are nice and I feel pretty good about the whole job. We'll see though. I don't want to get my hopes up then come crumbling down. I'm starting to get lazy and not going to meetings again. I have to snap out of it real quick or things, bad things, are going to happen. I want to make myself a promise and to go to a meeting everyday this week no matter how I am feeling period!

February 16, 2005

This is NOT a good morning. The owner of the house has gone behind all our backs and let someone who has relapsed three times move back in the house and has upset me to no end! I can not believe it. The first thing I want to do is run away and move out! I just saw a segment on the news about a kid who has cancer and it made me realize that all my complaints and problems are nothing compared to what this kid is going through. So God, thank you for my life.

March 5, 2005

Things have been really hectic with me. I've managed to stay sober almost 90 days on the 11th. I was working out this morning and on the treadmill I was all tense. I then started to think about all the things I'm grateful for, which is a few. It started to make me feel a lot better. Well a little bit. The sober living is somewhat better. I am trying to stay here for at least 6 months so I only have 3 more to go. I'm so angry all the time. Feeling very isolated, which of course is of my own doing. I'm trying to reach out but it only lasts for only a short while, is it because I'm so mean or a mean person. No one wants to hang out with me. Or if they do, it turns into us having sex! I wish I knew how to set boundaries. I'm starting my fourth step now and I've been working on my resentment list and I feel that it is not that thorough, so we'll see.

April 15, 2005

Good morning God. Been a long time since I wrote. A lot has happened. I have 4 months of sobriety now and I feel GREAT! I am learning to let things go more and not obsessing as much. People still get on my nerves quite a bit, but I am trying to reach out more. I am almost done with fourth step. Good feeling and I am trying not to get involved with any men and work through my feelings and it's not easy!

Raw and Un-Edited Journals from my past ... ABSOLUTELY INSANE! (Cont.)

2012-05-03T10:39:00.001-07:00

January 10, 2005

Coming up on thirty days tomorrow again. Other than being sick, I feel OK. Over the weekend I had to move rooms, I was so mad at first but it has turned out to be a blessing. My new roommate is a nice kid, I'm lucky. It's Monday and I'm getting ready for work. Talk about being humble. The job is OK but I'm barely paying my rent. All I can say is I am learning something. Trying to be patient and know that God will take care of me. I feel like I am starting to isolate again. That's a scary place to be.

January 11, 2005

It was a good day today. I spent the day working at Daddy Don's, slow day. I celebrate thirty days again today. Also, God, I went to visit my friend Kris who lives next door. He looks very sick. Well he is very skinny and makes me sad and scared for him. But it also makes me realized how lucky I am and how much I appreciate life and what you have to offer me God! I love you for that. What is it that you have in store for me, I don't know yet, but, I promise you, I am going to try and stay sober for us. I want to have that chance to fall in love with your lord!, and have respect for myself and the confidence you want me to have. To be able to fulfill and live out my dreams. I know that without you that it won't happen. I can't do this alone. I'm starting to find this out.

January 13, 2005

I'm having those lonely feelings again. I understand that it is supposed to be this way, but I would love to have the physical companionship. I want to be touched and held and kissed. There is nothing wrong with that? Help me Lord get through this. Help me build that relationship with you. knowing that you are by my side makes everything so much better.

January 15, 2005

Saturday and I'm getting ready to go to work. It was a shitty day yesterday. I had an interview at Target and the pay is only minimum wage and then last night I over heard one of the roommates call me a bitch. Fuck him! Am I a bitch because I like to live in a clean house. I'm really starting to resent living here. I don't have anything in common with these people. Of course the first thing I want to do is just run. I wish I could be more patient and to be tolerant of people who just get on my nerves!

January 16, 2005

It's Tuesday night, just got back from mens stag meeting. OK ... How HOT is this, my friends Mark B and Kevin just had sex in the garage! We are all good friends and this was spur of the moment and it was GREAT! (laughter) Just what I needed (laughter) and there was no weirdness at all! Anyway, the overall day was GREAT! I worked all day, got a raise of $40 more a week. I like working with Daddy Don for now. He is someone I can talk to during the day to get my shit out and off my chest. The sober living (loosely said) is so pathetic. This is more like a flop house than anything else. There is no rules, people use drugs and get away with it. My sponsor said just don't follow them for me and don't worry about what else is going on. Which is not of my business. I know that I am doing what I need to do.

January 22, 2005

Well, good afternoon. It's been a good day so far. Just doing laundry and some cleaning. I did some work last night with my sponsor. Things are starting to click with me. Thoughts of using are going through my head but come and go quickly. I'm really happy with where I'm going. I love life! It may not be what I want it to be right now, but I am trying to let God take control of it for now. What I would like to know is why I am so caught up in so much drama. It's going to get me in trouble. Why do I thrive on it?! I wish I could just worry about myself and go from there.

January 24, 2005

Monday and what a day! A couple of people had gone out and I feel sort of strange inside. It was weird coming home to one of them still very high. It affected me but not in a way that I would use. But made me very angry that he came here the way he was. Very inappropriate behavior. Drama! Anyway I went to my meeting and my number was called again. I'm glad I was supposed to share. I'm not afraid to open up at that meeting. Sobriety for me this time means so much more this time. I love it!

January 30, 2005

It's Sunday morning and my thoughts are going wild. Not that I want to use but I had a dream last night and i my dream I was being teased and made fun of. I remember back in grade school when all the other students would make fun of me. It would make so sad and I was alone all the time. I feel like that here. Last night went out and these guys poked fun at me and it made me angry. Why do people have to be so cruel?! I have to admit I have to watch myself. I just feel like isolating myself today and not doing a thing with anyone at all. I still have not talked to my sister since she hung up on me a few weeks ago. What should I do?

Raw and Un-Edited Journals from my past ... Absolute INSANITY!

2012-05-01T20:46:00.002-07:00

April 13, 2002

Good morning, well not really. My sister and I are still not talking to each other. I'm really upset at how she doesn't want to understand what I'm going through. How I'm, and I quote "out doing my own thing". What is that supposed to mean? I know I am doing the right thing and is all that matters! Yes it is all about me right now and my sobriety, and I can not let anything stand in my way of that! So I may seem a little selfish right now, oh well! I was always doing things wrong the last time, now time to do the right thing and move on with my live because who knows what tomorrow will bring me. Sometimes I fee as though Andrea doesn't care what I'm going through because she isn't going down the road to her recovery. I wonder if I or we can ever or will ever have a close relationship as brother and sister. We won't until she takes her initial step towards understanding how I feel. She will always be angry with me. Good Bye!

April 15, 2002

Well, Monday night and what a crappy day. I feel as if I will never get well. What does "well" mean anyway? If being well means being like an asshole or judge mental towards other people than I'm at a deli ma. See tonight I went to a straight AA meeting and I wanted to share and as soon as I was called on I identified myself as a "drug addict", well, I was immediately interrupted and was told I can not do that here. Well, I got pissed off and embarrassed at the same time so I ended up not sharing at all. I felt as though I didn't belong again. I started to pout and build a resentment toward the man who did that to me, but realized that was old behavior and just told myself there are other meetings, but at the end of tonight's meeting so many people came up to me and made me feel so welcome. I snapped out of my anger quickly. Good Night.

P.s. I'm going back to that meeting!

April 20, 2002

Good morning, wow, what a couple of days I have had! I haven't been to a meeting in a couple of days. I feel OK, though I know I need to go, I had a huge pimple that abscessed and made my whole right side of my face swell up. I also was in a whole lot of pain. I ended having to go to the hospital and have it lanced so it could drain. It turned out to be a spider bite. It is so ugly. I am so afraid to out in public for fear of people starring at it because it is so ugly. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but I'm afraid of what people will say or more importantly, not attracting anymore. Stupid, but that is how I feel. Tonight I do have to give a friend a birthday cake for his one year AA sobriety tonight at the Hollywood Squares meeting. I made Van a commitment, so I will be there no matter what.

May 1, 2002

Good morning. So much has happened since the last entry! Found out who some people really are. My "sponsor" is no longer my sponsor, I have stopped going up to L.A. for meetings due to the fact I found myself falling back into the same rut I was in when I walked through the doors of AA before. Old Behavior, so I am now starting with meetings down here in Long Beach. Meeting new friends and so on. I feel alright though. My dad and I are on the right path back to a relationship, which feels great. I know we have a long road ahead of us but it's a start. A couple of days ago I was honored to meet someone, very attracting. My emotions aren't in overload like they usually are when I meet someone like him. I feel pretty confident about myself. He is interested in me. Whatever happens will. I know I need to keep my head on straight, and not make him my higher power.

May 4, 2002

So, as expected and turns out to be a weekly routine, my sister and I got in a fight again and as usual over something stupid. She like to pick fights just to create drama. This time I had a date! She asked if we had sex and I told her "none of her business". Well, she didn't like that one bit. Told that she hates me! Well, fuck her! I'm so through with all this fighting. I can not wait to get a job. I'll pay her back and get out. Not have to deal with her anymore if that is how she feels. She loves to put words in my mouth or tell me things she said and then try to make me feel guilty about it, but she never sees have the shit. She is trying to say that she wanted to go to a meeting with me last Saturday when that was such a lie. I'm always asking her. She is so full of shit! I'm only nite to her when I need money, another fucked up lie! I refuse to talk to her or tell her anything anymore!

May 6, 2002

Good news, I finally got a job. It's supposed to be for a long time, but we'll see. Looking forward to it and to finally be working again! I'm not shutting any doors though. I'm waiting to hear from Well's Fargo Bank. I'm still not talking to Andrea. I'm really getting sick and tired of all this! Now that I have the job I'm going to start to look into the sober living house because she is gonna push me over the edge - maybe. It will be for the better that I move to a sober living anyway. That way I will be around people who know what I am going through. Although I do appreciate what she has done for me and what she is doing but this is not working out for me! The person I met also thinks I am getting too serious because I'm getting too romantic. Well, just because I like to kiss and snuggle and be a little affectionate does not mean I'm falling in love. What is the matter with people. Get a grip! I can't have a relationship now. I think he is the one who is falling quicker than he wants to and that's why he keeps bringing up the fact that he does not want to get involved with anyone but he says he will not shut the door to the po0ssibility to having one. WEIRD PEOPLE!

January 11, 2003

Wow, what has happened since the last time I wrote!? So much, my sobriety took a turn downward for awhile. I don't know if I finally hit my bottom this time or not but pretty close. I fell out of the meetings last August of 2002 and now I am finally getting back into them. I don't know how to feel about that yet, but I have to admit I do feel great! Over the summer things went OK. I had a chance to work for a good friend of mine, Jeff Gahn, AKA Karen Dior, in Hollywood. He and his boyfriend flew me to New York for my first time. It was Gay Pride too that weekend. I helped them prepare to be in the parade. It was sort of fun but Jeff's boyfriend was such a freak! Always screaming and yelling at me and Jeff. I came back from NY early actually. I finally got my dream job at Wells Fargo Bank. Ended up being a supervisor too! (happy) I'm quite happy OK! Now it also is the night before my beau moves down from Seattle and I have mixed emotions right now. He has been flaky with me the last few weeks and now I don't know how to feel about all this. He call the night before he comes down?

We'll see what happens ...

December 7 2003

There is this boy I really like and is making me so crazy, I don't know if he even reciprocates the feelings. I just don't know what to do. I am only 34 days clean again and going completely nuts. I'm feeling lonely again. I do try to reach out to people but they start to let me down. I want to love! How do I love myself? I do pray for help, but it sure is slow process.

January 19, 2004

So, things are pretty good today. Tor and I are hitting it off pretty good and going at a slow pace, but I do love him. I just wish that he would tell me more about his feelings toward me. He does who me though and that is so wonderful but of course I always want more! He's a great guy though. He does give enough. Personally I need to grow a lot more. Be me and more secure with myself. People do love and care about me and I have to learn to trust in that and not second guess it all the time. I have started to open up more and more to my sobriety family which is nice. The response has been incredible. I'm finally meeting with my sponsor today. Kind of nervous, but excited at the same time. As I was all stressed out a few weeks ago. I feel pretty calm now. Coming up on ninety days again, YEAH!

January 20, 2004

It is so nice to wake up in the morning and not feel like crap! It's nice to feel again. Tor came in my room last night. I realized how I enjoyed his company when he slept over with me. He is such a beautiful man. I told him I loved him yesterday. It sort of scares me, because I don't want him to run away from me now! I find myself thinking of the future with him. This time around I am not trying to look that far ahead of me. I love him and he is a great guy, but all we have is today with each other and I plan on making it a great day because I am sober!

October 9, 2004

Wow, what a busy week and good one at that. Once again I'm coming up through my thirty days, but you know right now it is not bothering me at all. I've been keeping busy. It feels really good. I've been getting closer to my friend Kenny and he's a wonderful friend. It's been to be able to be there for someone else. I haven't been to a meeting all week so need to get to one.

December 20, 2004

Today is Monday and I was let go from my job today. Just moved back into sober living. The house is very comfortable, and has a great feeling. I'm coming back off a three month relapse. This one has literally kicked my ass. It sent me to a place I hope I never have to visit again. Those days are so vivid in my head. So just got back from my meeting at Melrose and Mansfield. It was a good meeting. This weekend I crossed paths with an old friend and don't know where the feeling are at but would like to have something with him, mostly a friendship.

January 1, 2005

Well, it's 2005. A New Year and another fresh beginning. A chance to forget about last year and the pain and anguish that I put myself through. what a year 2004 was. Time to move on. So I am having feelings of sadness, rejection and loneliness. These feelings are very difficult to deal with. Why can't I just learn to trust in God and just know that my time will come to have that someone to love and trust but until then I have to be trustful and turn it over to you Lord. You are my relationship that I need right now! Please help me get through this!

January 3, 2005

It's Monday morning and I made it through the New Year and another birthday. I'm sober and somewhat feel pretty good. I was able to work through my problems and feelings. My friend Mark B. was very helpful in getting through them. I did pray a lot also. It's still hard for to just turn it over to God but I'm trying. An old friend contacted me over the weekend, which surprised me. Carlos, hmmm, we'll see how this turns out. But I sort of like Brad. So cute and nice. Oh, but I have to stay focused and just learn to love myself.

January 8, 2005

My last relapse was, I hope and believe was the worst one. The insanity of it was something that I ho0pe I will never forget, and to do that I want to sort through my feelings and the thoughts of those last four days. Those days of feeling completely alone and isolated. Feeling of despair and heartache. My life at that point was meaningless. I was not thinking of ending it, but I had lost all hope and the motivation to go on. To much pain but not knowing where it was coming from. Not knowing how to make it go away. What I did was try to kill myself unknowingly. All I wanted to do was to continue to get tweaked out. The days rolled into each other and soon four days of being completely out of my mind. Unconcious to any feeling or any thought. It's so painful. complete selfishness. When I finally came down enough from being high to realize what I had put my body through, physically and emotionally, I looked in the mirror and saw no reflection, a ghost! A dead man looking back at me. It was so frightening. I couldn't look any more, and I went to lie down because I was feeling naucious. It was then I saw he real destruction I had caused to myself. There was blood everywhere. I couldn't figure out why there could be blood. I mean so much, on everything. The wall, toilet, bathroom floor, tub and all over my comforter. I was so disgusted in myself, but was so tired and worn out that all I could do is flip over the comforter so I could get some rest. I had this guy I would mess around with before, he called me the last night I was up this time. Let's talk about being demoralized. He came over one last time and I caught him looking at me in amazement and a state of shock with the way I looked. I will never forget the look on his face. That was my bottom. I have never been so embarrassed in my life, but did not realized it until I had come down from being so high a day later. Then finally reached my bottom. The realization of what I still did with him. I still slept with him. How humiliating. The reason why is because knowing that he did not want to be there with me was too much. I went through the motions anyway. he stayed for awhile after but then soon left. Those days I hope I never have to repeat if I stay close to God and make sure that I never run away again.

January 9, 2005

Sunday and I have been sick all weekend. In the house as well. Not been to a meeting all weekend either and by can I feel the difference. I feel so uncomfortable here. I do not like some my roommates. Where is the hate coming from? One of them called me a big mouth and I totally resent that. Well, he will up shooting himself sooner or later.

My First Love ... (continued)

2012-05-01T13:06:00.000-07:00

As the months went by and Bob landed a job here at a bank that is no longer around and closed some years back during the Savings and Loan mess and how all or most of them failed and closed down, California Federal was one of them. I know how proud he felt and I was so excited for him, but I also never doubted that he would find something quickly. He is a very smart when it came to the banking arena and I loved the way he looked in his suits, so handsome. Bob was so excited to land this job. He was a Supervisor and really knew what he was doing. Once he started working and all of us got settled and got used to being with each other in that two bedroom, four of us all together, Bob's mom came out to visit us for a few days and he was so excited to have her here. Of course I was a nervous wreck, but seemed to make it through. Somehow, she intimidated me. I never told Bob that, but good grief. She was the mother in law and we all know how that is. She was truly an amazing woman and what made her happy was to see her son happy. I did my best to make him happy with what I knew at the time. We had such an amazing time when she was out here. We went to Disneyland and that was my first time going and we stayed the entire day and just enjoyed the park. Bob had mentioned to her that I was having problems with my car, which was a 1970 Volkswagen Beetle, yellow in color, but I still loved it. His mom, on behalf of Bob, decided to co-sign on a car for me. Wow, I was so excited and so grateful to her and to Bob for this wonderful gift.

As the months went by, things began to get a little too cramped for all of living in that two bedroom with four people. We started having some minor issues with our roommates. All of us moved from our current apartment on the 7th story down to the 1st level into a corporate unit that was completely furnished, since none of us had any furniture at the time. That is when things really got ugly with our roommates and we thought it would be best to find our own apartment. So Bob and I started the search for our own place. We found a cute little one bedroom not too far away from the current place and thought it would be fine for the two of us. We gave our roommates notice and moved out.

Once Bob and I got settled into our new apartment, Bob and I had the opportunity to be able to grow closer and closer to each other. Sure we had our ups and our downs, but as I look back at it now, I always loved him. We started to have more downs than ups towards the end of our relationship. Bob did everything in his power to make it work, but I was such an asshole to him, that nothing he would do or say made it any better. I was finally taking after my dad. The mental and physical abuse I put Bob through was unacceptable, but that is all I knew how to be, was a complete jerk to someone who loved me with all his heart. I didn't know how to react to being loved or even, for that matter, give love back in return. Sure I always told him that I love him and I really did, but in a fucked up way. A way that finally drove him crazy and depressed and he lost a lot of weight through all of this. We broke up and got back together so many times, all I would have to do is beg and I would beg and promise that I would change and I would be back in his good graces. Things quickly went back to the way they were. His heart was broken so many times, too many.

I look back at that relationship and I am so grateful that I had the pleasure and opportunity of spending the time I did with him. We really did have many good times, and I would like to think that those outweigh the rough and turbulent times we went through with each other. We connected in so many ways, sexually, spiritually and became very good friends while we were together. We crossed paths not too long ago and I am so blessed to be able to have him in my life today. He has not changed a bit, and still looks like he is in his twenties. My sister called me up one night back in the late nineties about this new sitcom that was on TV and that I should watch and then let her know what I thought of the show. That show was "Will and Grace" and the reason why she wanted me to watch it was because the character Will looked and acted just like Bob in every way. I do have to admit that every time I watched the show, I was reminded of him. My sister loves him and thinks the world of him. I remember one night all three of us went out to our usual place, the Motherload, and I had turned away for just a second and looked back and they were making out! All I could do is just laugh and shake my head because I knew she had nothing on me.

Asking for Forgiveness ...

2012-04-05T22:29:00.004-07:00

Relying on a higher power comes quite difficult for me and it stems from a person who always needs to be in control of his life. My reliance is in doubt when I question who I am, what I am and where I am going. Taking control of my life seems to be getting in the way of me completely giving all that control over to God and to Jesus Christ. Relying on Him and the Son of God and knowing that things are always going to be the way they are made to be. They happen and are happening and will always happen for a reason. Just believe. Believe and have faith and to just get out of the my own way and let Him in is all I need to do.

I just finished watching "The Passion of the Christ" It was no coincidence that I happened to be channel surfing and saw this on, a miracle, and as I watch this profound movie I always feel so renewed with faith and hope afterwards. It may sound weird to some, but it is hard to describe the feeling. I have seen this movie over and over again and every time I feel the same way. After watching this. I start to feel a little ashamed for how I let my thoughts get to be so out of control and how negative my thoughts get. These thoughts tend to go completely south and the Devil soon takes over and I start thinking of ending my life because it would be so much "easier" than to continue to work and continue to struggle through it and make it to the light and definitely much easier. It would be so much easier to be wrapped up in my misery and deprive myself of the unwavering love of the Almighty. It would be so much easier to hate myself than to love myself because when I am feeling down, it becomes much easier for the evil to enter my soul and my heart than to let the good God and Jesus has so unselfishly given into my life and most of all into my heart and soul.

Working to have that everlasting love fill my soul and lift my life up again and to be able to see that smile that I see when I look at all my childhood photos of myself. How happy I was when I was a little boy. The love I felt from my mother and my sisters and the rest of my family was overwhelming. God and Jesus was truly there. Life has been so full of ups and downs for me. My struggle with drugs and alcohol. Trying to find out what my purpose in life is and what I am supposed to be doing. What am I here for? Just an on going struggle between loving myself and hating myself. A constant struggle with having God in my life on a continuous basis, not only for the good times, but having him in my time of struggles.

When I speak of the "evil" I am mostly referring to the abuse I put my body through. I don't know how many times I have tried to get sober through out my life. I am coming up on six months this time around and I feel so much despair in my life and just feel lost. I feel the weight of the devil on my chest most of the days. Some days and more often than none, I feel that life to me is over and I might as well give up. I know that is the devil talking to and filling my heart and soul with darkness. Those thoughts have consumed my life on a daily basis lately. I wrote a piece about how desperate I was feeling a few weeks ago and how I wanted to check out of my life end it and leave this world and everything and everyone behind. I now know what happened but then I had know idea what was going through my head at the time but I reached out to some people through the social media site,l Facebook. I had an out of body experience that morning and felt the air quickly escaping me and I just could not catch my breath. When I woke up that morning I proceeded to move from my bed directly to my sofa. I laid crying on my there for what seemed like an eternity and my body felt so heavy and my face was covered in tears. All of a sudden something pulled me up and I went to my computer and started to write a posting on Facebook about how I was feeling, but in a third person kind of way and asked "How do you stop someone from thinking about suicide?" Once I completed typing, I made it back to my sofa and lied back down and cried for an hour more or so. I finally got up and went to my bed and completely collapsed and fell asleep.

I awoke a few hours later and felt groggy a bit. I still felt like I was having an out of body experience. I felt more exhausted than ever, but I decided to get up. I walked to my computer again, not really knowing why, but I was going to check my emails and just go out to watch TV and lay on the sofa. My computer screen still had my facebook page up and it showed all the responses I had been getting from my post earlier that morning. I started to cry again in amazement. Something flushed over me, and I was amazed at how many people had posted comments. Comments of concern for me and my well being. People had been offering their support to me and were frightened for me. So many people were responding out of honest concern and said that they would be praying for me. Many people expressed their love for me and how they would miss me if anything were to happen to me. I was truly loved by so many people that I had know idea what this was posting would do and what it would all mean when I posted that comment earlier that morning. I now know that it was God intervening in my life and the Holy Spirit taking control of my mind and body and showing me how much I am adored by Him and how much He loves me through the out pouring of support through my friends and family. The outpouring of love and support that came through my computer in the form words and thoughts and all the prayers from people were so overwhelming but in an amazing way. Prayers were coming from people I barely even knew who were send their love and concern for my well being and reaching out to me and that meant so much.

How could I be so selfish in my despair to the point that I wanted to take my own life. How dare I even think of such a selfish act. After watching "The Passion of the Christ" again and seeing the amount of suffering Jesus went through for us it was an eye opener for me and knowing that what I am going through shall pass and in the scope of things is completely trivial compared with what He went through for us. Understanding the meaning of the word "Passion" means so much to me now. When I watch that scene of Jesus carrying His own cross to the top of the hill through the city streets being beat and ridiculed by all the bystanders, it broke my heart. I can actually feel the pain that He went through. Feeling all the cuts on his body. When He finally reached the top of the hill and they laid Him down on His own cross and then nailed Him to it and lifted Him up and when the cross hit the bottom of the whole that would hold up His cross until He passed on, I could feel my gut just wrench with sadness, but also a feeling of peace knowing that He did all of that for us. He is in my heart and in my soul. I am asking for forgiveness on a daily basis and pray that I am sheltered and will always be in the comfort of His arms.

My First Love ...... (Continued)

2012-04-04T21:34:00.003-07:00

After Bob moved here from Chicago, things were amazing. I was in my very first adult relationship, and with another man. I was still hiding my identity from everyone, my family mostly. Everyone at work knew though, half the branch was gay, so of course. It was nice to finally have him here and right before the Holidays. We were able to spend our first Thanksgiving and Christmas together. New Years was very special as it was also my nineteenth birthday and what a wonderful way to spend it than to spend it with someone as special as he was to me.

Thanksgiving was incredible. I did most of the cooking, the turkey and all the trimmings. I was pretty amazed on how everything turned out actually because it was my first at cooking a turkey, it came out very good. I had a lot of fun. We truly enjoyed the day together. Our roommates joined us for dinner as well and all of had an amazing day. We all had a great relationship and had a lot of fun together and never had any issues. It was like a family, which meant a lot since I did not have my own around and was estranged from my father by this time. I leaned a lot on Bob for emotional support around this time and he was always there to make things better for me and was able to put a smile back on my face when I was feeling a little down.

When Christmas came, we went tree shopping and that was a special time for us. At the time, I had a Volkswagen beetle and so we had to put the tree on top of that thing. We had the tree flocked and looked amazing. Once we got it back to the place we started to decorate and our roommates joined in as well. Sounds pretty cheesy but we had a great time and wanted to include them as well. At the end, the tree looked amazing. Christmas time was so beautiful to be able to wake up next to the man of my dreams, reach over and kiss him on the cheek and wish him merry Christmas was truly a blessing. We woke up and opened our gifts and enjoyed the day. We again made Christmas dinner and called our families and wished them a very merry Christmas and that we missed them terribly.

New Years was just as wonderful as I had hoped it would be. We all got dressed up and went out to a club and brought the New Year in by dancing the night away until way after midnight and they all sang happy birthday to me at midnight and I never felt so special to have all my friends and the one I love there on my birthday and on top of that, it being New Years as well. We carried on until very late. I will never forget that year, one because it was our first New Years together but also because we lived across the street from an apartment complex being built at the time. When we were turning onto our street from coming home from being out, we were greeted by a bunch of police that had barricaded off the access to the street where we lived and could not enter. The reason was that someone had been found murdered, actually cut to pieces in the construction across the street from our building. Oh my GOD! We were all completely freaked out and scared, but the police said it would be alright to head home into our building because they had swept the area and it was safe. Well we did not take any precautions so we all slept with butcher knives by our beds. Needles to say that was a New Years that none of us will ever forget.

My First Love ......

2012-04-03T20:35:00.001-07:00

Sometimes now and then I feel as though I am reaping what I sew. The mistakes I have made and the people I have hurt in the process. All that has been going through my head that last couple of years but more now than ever before. I guess because I am single at the moment and feel at a very low point in my life.

Back in the fall of 1989 after I had moved out of my dad's place and into my own sharing with roommates, new friends I had met while going out in West Hollywood, I had met someone one night. A week or so prior to moving in with my friends I was on my way out to West Hollywood to meet them at one of the bars we always hung out at, the Motherload. It was a small little bar, a "stand and model" type of bar as we used to call them back in the day. There was no dancing at this one, just a lot of us standing around listening to great music and having a great time.

It was a Saturday night and I was a little early coming through Laurel Canyon, a shortcut I would take and it would dump me right on the edge of West Hollywood. Since I was early and did not have to meet my friends for about another hour or so, I was driving down Santa Monica Blvd and saw this other bar with people hanging outside who looked like there were like me, so I decided to stop in and see what it was all about. It was the Gold Coast, an Icon to the city of West Hollywood, been there forever. Anyway, I went in, ordered me a beer and found a nice place to stand and just check things out. It was another one of those "stand and model" bars.

I was there for a good half hour before I noticed this guy up by the pool table and we both caught each others eyes. He smiled and I was very nervous and quite shy so I froze there for a moment before I smiled back. He was so incredibly good looking, I was very insecure about it too. He finally waved me up to meet me and I went up there and stood by him, shook his hand and we introduced ourselves. I stayed there with him for awhile until I had to leave to go to meet my friends. We had great conversation and got to know each other a bit more. He was out here on vacation from Chicago visiting his best friends for awhile. I was lucky enough to walk in that bar and to meet him when I did. I could tell that I was really into him. We talked and talked for a very long time. We ended up kissing each other and I have never felt like this before in my life. Sure I had been kissed, but not like this, and not by someone like him.

I wanted this night to last forever! I had to leave to go meet up with my friends, so I asked if he and his friends would like to join me and head on over to meet with my friends, he said he would love to. I told him I would love to spend more time with you, so he ended up coming with me in my car. We made it to the place where all my friends were and I introduced him and all his friends and the night went on. It was the best night of my life so far. Of course I was in love the very first time we met our eyes on each other. The way he smiled at me. He was a beautiful man and still is. We all had such a great time that night. My friends told me that they really liked him and that he seemed to be a real great guy. Well, as it turned out, he was and we ended up spending the rest of his vacation together.

I was truly heart broken to see him go back to Chicago, but we promised each other that we would stay in touch and that we would see where things would go from there. I absolutely fell head over heals for him the moment I saw him and knew that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. We continued our long distance relationship for a few months. He and I decided to make a plan and he would move out to Los Angeles to be with me. I was so excited and so flattered to know that he was doing this for me. His family was so happy for him and invited me out to Chicago and paid for the plain ticket and everything. They had a going away party for him and all his family and friends were there to say goodbye. His family was so nice and accepting to me, I was completely caught off guard, mainly because I was still in the closet to my family and to see his treat him the way they did and me as well was just truly God sent. He finally ended up moving here and in with me and my roommates. This was the beginning of our relationship and our story.

The New Chapter ... (continued)

2012-04-02T20:27:00.000-07:00

Moving out of my dad's home and into my own place, well with my new friends as roommates, was so much fun. I remember moving in around the end of summer time. Summer time in Los Angeles lasted quite a long time, all through the end of September and even well into October sometimes. So I had plenty of time to "play" and be free as the nights were still longer and had the summer feeling to it. I remember smelling the Jasmine in the air all the time and when I smell it now, so many of those memories come back to me. They were fond memories. Going out all the time, laughing and just having a real good time. I was lucky to be able to get into the clubs at the age of eighteen. I don't know how I did it, but I just smiled and flirted my way in.

I was still working at the bank in the valley at the time, so the commute was pretty rough. My step mother would come into the bank often to make their deposits and we would visit and catch up, but I never saw my dad. He was pretty upset with me since I moved out and left home. We did not leave on good terms and he never wanted me to be in Hollywood. He still had no idea that I was gay at this point either. They never found out, or my whole family never found out for a good time after I moved out of my dad's place. It was nice to see my step mother and my little baby sister when they came in to the bank.

I really enjoyed working at the bank at the time. It was my very first professional job where I was able to where a suit and tie to work and feel like was important. I did very well and excelled at the bank. I was hired in as a teller and moved on up to be second in line to run the sales department in new accounts. From the very first day I started there, I made sure I let the branch manager know that if there was ever a spot over in new accounts, I would love to be considered for the position and only three months later I was promoted. Everyone there was really nice and we had a lot of fun. My assistant branch manager was gay, the annuities guy was gay and there was another teller that was gay, so I guess you can say that the "gays" had the branch covered. I was friends with everyone and during the holiday seasons, we decorated for all of them and even dressed up for Halloween. Good times.

I am still friends with the assistant branch manager after twenty some years. He just passed away in February of this year. I am pretty sad about it. We re-connected a few years ago when I used to live in Long Beach, California. Another friend and I would get coffee and walk along the beach on Sunday mornings, and one day we were walking up from the beach to get more coffee and we passed him walking his dog in front of his house right by the beach. He heard my voice and recognized me as we walked passed him and called out my name and I was so happy to see him! We connected again and started to hang out and go out on the weekends and I was just so lucky to be able to spend those last months with him. God puts people in our paths or "back" in our paths for a reason, and I am truly grateful that God put Don back into mine. I miss you Don ......

Politics of a Thriving, Leading and Powerful Nation ... A Beacon of Light around the World

2012-04-01T09:25:00.002-07:00

The United State of America, a leader in every sense of the word!

A Beacon of Light to those who want freedom.

Lately my country has been under some less than admirable leadership. In all branches of Government, especially in our Executive and in our legislative branches. Every four to two years, these branches go through a change in leadership. The Executive can be longer at every eight years if the person holding that office is cunning enough or lucky enough or even manipulative enough to have the American people vote them in another four years into office.

The last eleven and half years have been less than admirable, to say the least! It is no secret to my family and friends that I am no fan of our current leadership and had hoped that we would of had a woman President for the first time in our Nations history, in that of a woman named Hillary Clinton. I believe, in my own opinion, and that of many others, that she could have led us out of the chaos our Nation found itself in after the very long and tumultuous leadership of the last President, George W. Bush.

I love this opinion of George W. Bush posted online ......

"...In order to hold such a reality-free opinion, one would have to believe that the office is not besmirched by . . . using unethical election tactics (with plausible deniability) to get into office,
. . . economic policies that tend to widen the gap between the rich and the poor,
. . . proclaiming the ex-KGB thug who was then leading Russia to be some kind of kindred spirit,
. . . the unilateral abrogation of international treaties (ABM),
. . . scorning the opinions of allies,
. . . lying (or at least being willingly deceived) in order to lead the country into an illegal war of aggression,
. . . grossly mishandling the execution of the war, turning it into a quagmire,
. . . authorizing the commission of war crimes (torture),
. . . believing that history will look kindly on such inept leadership, and
. . . having the temerity to publish a book defending those things..."

I could go on and on with my own opinion about this ruthless, in genuine, ignorant leader, so-called, leader, but I would waste my time. We as citizens of America are very lucky that we have term limits so that idiot's like this can not serve more that two terms in office!

From one aggressive leader to one of a very weak nature, we have done no better with the current one in office. As he approaches another election to keep himself in office, I find that we are bombarded with speeches he had made while campaigning back in 2007 - 2008. His "hope" speeches were very hypnotic and convincing, I do have to admit, but I was never convinced that he would lead our nation out of the turmoil the previous President put us in. I never believed that he was strong, smart, or convincing enough for me. I also did not believe he would be able handle the politics of Washington. I was right!

Granted, our country has slowly started to rebound, but under what circumstances? The non-stop bickering of the Congress and his administration, the unwavering compromises he has made or not made for that matter as well as trying to work with the Republican Congress and to get them to compromise as well. I believe he has compromised way too much of our Nations values and that of the Democratic party. I believe that he has just "settled" and in the meantime, has pissed off the base of the party. He is not the President the people thought he would be.

I would like to see our Nation become the greatness it once was under the leadership of Bill Clinton. Our Nation rose to such greatness when he was our leader. The country thrived in every corner, and every aspect. We became that "Beacon" of light again that the world looked up to for it's leadership. Our economy was the strongest it has ever been. We brought peace through out the world. I would like to see those days come back and I believe we could have that in Hillary Clinton.