No More News Blues

Game Over Man!!

2015-05-07T15:04:00.002+01:00

Shawshank State Prison escapee Frank Freshwater (really?!) has been recaptured after 56 years on the run. No,this is not Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) who featured in the film The Shawshank Redemption. It appears he is still on the run. The Shawshank State Prison was also known as the Ohio State Reformatory.

The GAMEOVER Task Force has arrested a fugitive who escaped from an Ohio prison in 1959. 79-year-old Frank Freshwater was arrested yesterday at 1200 Jones Road, Melbourne, after information was received from the Cold Case Unit of the U.S. Marshal’s Northern Ohio Violent Fugitive Task Force in Ohio that Freshwater might be in the Brevard Count.

See the full story here:

https://www.facebook.com/topic/The-Shawshank-Redemption/108403499184483?source=whfrt&position=1&trqid=6146128477025921440

Horse in McDonald's: Rider fined after 'drive-thru' refusal

2013-07-22T12:57:00.000+01:00

Copied from Sky News - I can't add anything to this except that it brightened my day up no end, and much more interesting that waiting for news of the Dutchess of Cambridge in labour! NJ

A woman has been fined for taking her horse into a McDonald's restaurant in Greater Manchester.

Police said the woman, who has not been named, was in the saddle when she was initially turned away from the drive-through kiosk on Bury New Road.

The woman then led the animal inside, where it "ended up doing his business on the floor", a Greater Manchester Police (GMP) spokesman said.

McDonald's said it was unable to serve customers on horseback.

'Distress to customers'

A spokeswoman for the company said: "On 20 July a woman allowed her pony to enter our restaurant in Whitefield after being refused service in the drive-thru lane.

"The incident caused distress to customers and disruption for the restaurant, and the police issued the woman with a fixed penalty notice."

She added: "The health and safety of our customers and staff is our top priority, and for this reason we are unable to serve pedestrians, bicycle riders or customers on horseback through the drive-thru."

Greater Manchester Police said: "The sight and smell of this caused obvious distress and upset to customers trying to eat, as well as staff members.

"Officers arrived at the location and the woman was issued [with] a fixed penalty notice for causing alarm and distress to other customers and staff."

Mercury Heads for 32 Degrees C

2013-07-17T16:01:00.001+01:00

That was the heading today on the Sky News website - what? The temperature on the surface of Mercury should be around 426 degrees C!! Is the sun dying? Or has Mercury spun off into an orbit much, much further from the sun?

Mercury ... no the planet silly!!!

Don't worry! The heading was very misleading - clicking on this astonishing link on the Sky News main page takes us to a more sensible headline: "Weather : Heatwave Health Alert as Mercury Rises". But why oh why does it have to include a negative slant on what really is brilliant news? The temperature in the UK hovering around 30 degrees is great news - as William Paxman put it, "It's amazing ... I've used my barbecue more times this year than in the past 6 years!"; last year Mr Paxman was calling it "Game over, man" as he was concerned the summer was over.

According to Sky News:

After five consecutive days basking in 30C-plus temperatures, forecasters said Britain was in the midst of its first prolonged heatwave since 2006.

The Met Office responded by issuing a "level three heat health watch" for London and the South East and advised "alertness and readiness" for those in the North West and North East.

Level three warnings are only one notch below the most serious alerts and are put out when high temperatures place the very young, the very old and those with chronic diseases at risk.

Forecasters said Wednesday could break the record for the warmest day of the year, with temperatures expected to creep as high as 32C (89.7F) in parts of England.

I say let's have some more ... and can it be extended up to Aberdeen? It's ok here just now but a few more degrees would be nice.

Why do news websites have to focus on negative aspects of any story and give the bad news rather than the good news. NMNB is a positive and happy website - we see the glass half full rather than half empty ... and long may it continue!!

Science Finally Dumbed Down Enough to Matter

2012-06-22T09:38:00.001+01:00

Football enthusiast, apparently

In an interview with BBC Breakfast this morning, celebrated particle physicist Prof. Brian Cox and his colleague Jeff Forshaw were hammered with inane questions regarding quantum physics until they finally broke down and described science in the most mundane terms imaginable.

"As an example of quantum physics," enthused the one-time pop star, "we now know that all the particles that make up your finger, although your finger may seem solid and to remain in roughly the same place, we know that all those particles are also off exploring the universe-"

"Huh?" interrupted glassy-eyed Breakfast presenter Charlie Stayt.

"Well, each particle in the universe is known to exist in two places at once," continued the scientist, as co-host Susunna Reid apeared dazzled by the light reflecting off her shoes. "In a demonstration of what we call wave-particle duality-"

"So when you looked at that Ronaldo goal we just showed, you must have been thinking, 'Woah, look at those particles! Look at the physics happening in that goal!'" blurted Stayt to his nonplussed guests.

"Did you know the Euro 2012 football has, like, many sides, and that makes it spin?" chimed Reid. "That makes it spin. That's physics, isn't it?"

Looking defeated, Cox and Forshaw admitted that football, along with everything else, was in fact governed by the laws of physics. Cheers from the studio and chants of "Football! Football!" from the presenters drowned out all further discussion by the physicists.

Game Over?

2012-06-22T08:29:00.003+01:00

Scorchio? Not in the UK!

"Game over man, game over! Summer is spiralling away and I've only used the barbecue once so far!", said William Paxton earlier. And I can understand his concern - the summer solstice is over and the longest day of 2012 has passed us by. We've only had one really nice day so far.

So what is happening to our weather? Is this the beginning of the so called 'End of Times'? Are we heading for Armageddon? Who knows, but recently news broke that the 'End of the World' date had been cancelled, so that seems very positive and good news.

Every cloud has a silver lining ... or so the saying goes. So what is the silver lining? Well the weekend ahead looks gloomy - rain is forecast throughout. We're wet already so a little more rain won't harm, and anyway it's a good excuse to take the kids to the new exhibition at Satrosphere! And to add to the optimism the week ahead is forecast to start well with a sunny Monday.

Some might say that t his is not a good news story but a bleak story about the horrible weather we are currently enduring. But we should celebrate the fact that we live in the northern he fantastic variety of weather we experience in this country and look forward to an excellent summer ahead. It always gets better after the summer solstice - just wait an see.

"Game over"? Not yet, it isn't!

Thank you, Mr Carr!

2012-06-21T10:33:00.001+01:00

Jimmy Carr doing what he does best ...
certainly not his tax return!

Award-winning comedian Jimmy Carr made a statement on his Twitter account saying he "made a terrible error of judgement" and is no longer involved in the K2 tax shelter. Jimmy also confided that "people expect me to 'make light' of the situation, but I'm not going to in this statement". Whether he will make light of this issue in his 'usually-funny' act is another matter, and we at NMNB (usually pronounced 'num-nub') certainly hope he feels free to do so once this terribly-debilitating issue has blown over. He is, after all one of the UK's top (and highly-paid!) comedians.

Said Jimmy, "I met with a financial advisor and he said to me 'Do you want to pay less tax? It's totally legal'". Of course he said "Yes" ... who wouldn't! It appears his 'terrible error of judgement' was that, as the Prime Minister said, it was "morally wrong" to legally avoid tax and was unfair to the people who pay to watch the comic perform that he was not paying taxes in the same way as they did.

"I think some of these schemes - and I think particularly of the Jimmy Carr scheme - I have had time to read about and I just think this is completely wrong", said David Cameron, the current Prime Minister.

"People work hard, they pay their taxes, they save up to go to one of his shows. They buy the tickets. He is taking the money from those tickets and he, as far as I can see, is putting all of that into some very dodgy tax avoiding schemes.That is wrong. There is nothing wrong with people planning their tax affairs to invest in their pension and plan for their retirement - that sort of tax management is fine.

"But some of these schemes we have seen are quite frankly morally wrong. The government is acting by looking at a general anti-avoidance law but we do need to make progress on this.

"It is not fair on hard working people who do the right thing and pay their taxes to see these sorts of scams taking place."

The good news, though is that Jimmy Carr is no longer involved in this tax avoidance scheme and will hopefully from now on pay his fair share of tax just like the rest of us. With an extra £million or so in the economy that certainly is good news.

Good for you, Mr Carr and for that we thank you!

Crisis as 'Good News' Blog Falls Out of Favour

2012-06-20T12:03:00.004+01:00

Panic on the streets of London

It began life as a feel-good news site, reporting only the happy occurrences from around the world and leaving the doom and gloom to more established broadcasters. Early examples included a story about former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney's 70th birthday and another about gorillas using 'baby talk' sign language with their infants.

However, the mood at No More News Blues (num-nub for short) quickly turned sour as previously good-natured reports became bitter, sarcastic jibes chiefly about the weather.
Protests began this morning in the capital, with students demanding justice for long-term readers of the blog.

"It's basically just The Onion, but not as funny," commented one erstwhile reader.

"They used to be so happy," lamented another. "Now they give me the blues, like every other news source. They totally sold out, man."

Despite the backlash, readership figures today broke previous records for the site and are still on the rise.

Florida Youth is OK After Spear through the Head

2012-06-20T10:52:00.001+01:00

Good news as Yasser survives

A 16-year-old youth is recovering well in a Florida hospital after being shot through the head with a fishing harpoon!

While fishing with a friend, the weapon accidentally went off and shot Yasser Lopez, entering above his right eye, penetrating his brain and exiting through the back of his scull, as can be seen from the X-Ray.

Yasser was awake as he was airlifted and taken to a Miami hospital for surgery.
Surgeons worked for three hours using a high-speed drill to remove the spear, and miraculously there was no major damage to his brain. Yasser cannot remember the accident but was communicating with the hospital staff after his surgery.

Summer Takes Nation by Surprise

2012-06-20T09:03:00.002+01:00

'Unbelievable'

As Earth continues its seemingly endless journey around the sun for the umpteenth time, the northern hemisphere enjoys a temperate season of longer days and shorter nights, with the occasional thunderstorm thrown in for good measure.

The season is expected to continue much in the same way, as it has since the spring equinox, until the summer solstice, when experts predict the days will then shorten and the nights will lengthen.

"I can't believe how light it is in the evenings now," exclaimed one Aberdeen resident. "I went to bed at about ten to eleven last night and it was still broad daylight outside!"

"This heat is so weird, isn't it?" quipped Sarah Morrison, 38. "I know I've experienced 37 similar seasons in my time, but I just can't believe it!"

Similar scenes of disbelief and exhilaration can be witnessed in parks and public spaces up and down the country, as people walk about with smiles on their faces or gaze up into the featureless blue sky muttering about the heat.

Trip to the Moon - only £100m

2012-06-19T16:45:00.003+01:00

Want to go to the moon? Got £100m to spare? Then you're in luck!

Soviet-era Soyuz FG rocket recently bought second hand

An Isle of Man firm has bought four second-hand space capsules and two disused space stations from the Russians and is offering members of the public a chance to go to them moon ... well very close to the moon anyway. Budding space travellers with the readies will have an opportunity to orbit the moon.

The space equipment, which dates back to the Soviet era, is currently undergoing a re-fit with the latest electronics and software at the Exhalibur Almaz site in the Isle of Man.
The IoM is home to half the world's satellite companies, thanks to a 10% income tax rate and zero tax rate for space projects.

Each trip could last up to 8 months, stopping off via one of the space stations before travelling over a quarter of a million miles to the moon. "This is a private expedition, it's not tourism", according to EA. "It's like the expeditions to the South Seas years ago that made Britain so rich".

Great news if you have the cash, and great news for the IoM economy then!

NuMNuB Celebrates Its First Non-Editorial Follower

2012-06-19T14:43:00.002+01:00

Today we gained our first follower who is not on the payroll. Granted, Mr Norman Bain is a colleague, but he was under no obligation to follow this blog after being given ample opportunity to peruse the drivel within. Thanks for humouring us, Norman!

Loud, Scary Thunder over Aberdeen

2012-06-19T14:01:00.003+01:00

Not war

There are reports of loud rumbling and crashing noises in the sky over Aberdeen this afternoon, sometimes preceded by flashes of lightning and often followed by heavy downpour. Town elders pronounce this terrifying phenomenon to be thunder, a common climatic occurrence at this time of year.

Sighs of relief could be (figuratively) heard across the coastal city when it became clear this wasn't the onset of another German invasion. This marks the 73rd consecutive year free of German invasion in Europe. Celebrations are scheduled to begin this evening.

Duran Duran Feared 30-Year Career Was Over ... but it's not!

2012-06-19T12:54:00.000+01:00

The key players: Duran Duran recently

Singer Simon Le Bon was 'howling' like a wolf rather than Hungry Like a Wolf recently!

Megagroup Duran Duran were distraught when the acclaimed lead vocalist lost his voice during their recent tour. Drummer Roger Taylor (yes that's right, there's an identically-named drummer with Queen!) is quoted as saying, "It was a pretty scary moment for the band because he's the one guy you can't replace", but we think otherwise - Duran Duran wouldn't be Duran Duran without any of the key players - don't put yourself down, Roger!

Apparently unprompted by Sky News, Le Bon revealed: "I have a lot of respect for the Arctic Monkeys, They write great songs they have a fantastic rhythm section which is the heart of any band."

Gorilla Mums Use 'Baby Talk'

2012-06-19T11:56:00.000+01:00

Lady with Baby Gorilla

The BBC reports today that gorilla mothers use a special type of 'baby talk' when communicating with their infants. Analysing hours of video footage, a team of scientists found that parents augmented their wide repertoire of communication gestures with repetition and increased tactility when talking to young gorillas.

A video on the BBC website shows a mother repeatedly laying her hand on her child's head, in a bid to tell her infant to "stop it", researchers say. It is thought that these observations may give us insight into how human language developed.

Source: BBC News

Microsoft unveils Surface Windows 8 tablets

2012-06-19T11:37:00.000+01:00

The New Microsoft Surface Tablet

Now this is very good news!

The Apple iPad has been a huge success and has been followed by Android tablet devices that allow you to complete a multitude of tasks, but compatibility with Microsoft Office documents has always been a problem for me. I create or edit a document using Pages (Apple) or another third party office application, carefully making sure it looks the business. Then when I open the document on my Windows
notebook to view and print it, the formatting is all wrong! Damn!

What I need is Microsoft Office on my iPad or Android tablet, but it's not available.

Microsoft to the rescue once again! And in their usual classy style ... not just a new version of Office but a whole new tablet! And just look at it here.

Now that is stylish ... It's called Surface ... and I want one ... NOW!

Paul McCartney Turns 70

2012-06-18T16:08:00.000+01:00

Sir Paul

Former 'Fab Four' favourite Sir Paul McCartney was born on the 18th of June 1942 and today celebrates his 70th birthday. Some news sites might jump at the chance to inform us that Sir Paul is another year older and as such is one step closer to death, but here at NMNB (pronounced num-nub) we prefer to look on the bright side as we think back on his illustrious career as an entertainer and animal rights activist.

Happy 70th, Sir Paul! May you have many more.

P.S. By the way, Sir Paul was in the Beatles in the 60's.

Good News, Everyone!

2012-06-18T15:40:00.000+01:00

Professor Farnsworth

If you're tired of the barrage of doom and gloom offered up daily by the leading news networks, you've come to the right place. Our news coverage is the perfect antidote to the news blues: we only report stories that make you smile and give you that warm, fuzzy feeling inside. If you have any happy stories to share, please send them in to see them on our front page!